Youth Initiatives

Greetings all,

One of the things that some people in my new book group are organizing is some sort of initiatives young anthroposophists can do. We had a meeting a couple of weeks ago and today had another one. Being that I am an introvert, the meeting was from noon to 4.30pm and was way too draining for me. I am one of these people that can't stand being with people where we spend long hours talking. I like talking to some degree but any sort of meeting for more then 2 hours is just too much and it starts making me turn sour. I need my time to think!

As well, I don't really consider myself a young anthroposophist. The group is for those 16-35 and I'm 31. I don't consider myself young anymore. I am not too sure if I'll be able to make much of a contribution to this group and I'm not sure what initiatives we potentially can work on. The thing is, I don't want to invest too much of my time. I don't want this to get in my way for my plans of global domination!

I've always wanted to do something practical with anthroposophy. I am doing my you tube videos on Philosophy of Freedom, so that is something. I'm just not sure if this is the right time for me. I need to focus on my career and as a creative performer. I am slow in getting things done and I don't want to spread myself too thin.

As well I'm in my practical phase of life. I don't want to waste too much time trying to change the world, which is a common impulse youth feel. While I think that impulse has it's place, sometimes I think it's easier to change yourself and that is what I am focusing on since I have had an active kundalini yoga and meditation practice.

I know when I was in my early 20s, I wanted to change the world, shake things up. I think as you grow older, you learn how difficult it is to change things and so you learn to adapt more realistic concepts of what can change and what cannot. So I shun lofty ideals to some degree. (I don't know why I still want global domination though, that is some form of a lofty ideal).

I think that's one thing I've struggled with in my 20s is where does the practical side of Anthroposophy fit into my life. I mean, maybe for my karmic purposes, reading it and discussing ideas is enough for me to get the spiritual nourishment that I need.

Anyways, another thing I am thinking about is that I think people don't get this concept of 3-folding. I think maybe they think we have to overhaul current society to follow it but I think it's much more simpler then people envision it. I think because it requires some creative thinking and finding out ways in which we are not keeping these spheres separate is what needs to be done. I think what makes it challenging is for people's own individual impulses can guide them to help create some sort of change.

As well, I think society does have some sense of this concept on an instinctive level.

For me, I am interested probably in human rights and economic issues. That may be something I will be more inclined to tackle in my late 40s or 50s as I do also want to get married and have children in the next few years

Is This Evolving?

Greetings all,

I have noticed, thanks to my daily meditation practice, that I just don't get angry or irritated by things as much. But on some level it freaks me out a bit as I wonder if it means that I'm evolving or becoming more passive. I think becoming a passive individual would freak me out too much but I guess it is a good thing to not have things get you riled up all the time.

I guess meditating makes you accept things but I don't think accepting things means you're being passive. I think it's a good thing to accept things because then you can do something constructive or tune it out altogether. But that's why it can become a freaky experience to relax and let go of thoughts and feelings that don't serve you anymore and to accept them, even though they may be painful and ugly.

Donation

Greetings all,

I have to rant about this topic of Donation. I was in a meetup group and the guy was running a meditation group and he advertised in other places. Typically with meetups, I think the site is geared more for socializing but some people use it to promote their own services, which I am okay with to some degree.

I think meditation groups should be free and if you run them, it should be by pure donation. Most people who run a group, there is a monthly fee and usually some charge a small fee and the rest goes to charity.

Now I have been to one of his concerts as he had meetups for sound meditation and he is a musician as well and occasionally performs. For the meetups and for the concert, they write 'a suggested donation of $10'. For a meetup he just writes on the site the suggested donation. I think $10 is much too much for a meditation group. It's not so bad for an hour concert. Usually people charge a toonie every few events. As well, I feel if I am meditating in a group, I as a meditator am helping the people in the group because I have read that when you meditate in a group, we essentially are helping each other out because some of us are clearer then others in certain areas and I may be blocked in one area and for another, that area might be clear so by being in a group with them, it helps me and vice versa. I feel it is a very personal and co-operative experience. I understand there may be costs but sometimes I think the cost is a little too much

Anyways, the point is making a donation is a free deed and you should not tell people how much they should be donated, because then it no longer becomes a donation. You are telling me what to pay and acting like a retailer!

I've been reading a book called Predictably Irrational and the writer/economist had some interesting concepts. One that I enjoyed learning about was that people would rather do something for free then to do it on a reduced fee. If I wasn't told how much money I should be donating, maybe I'd offer more and maybe they'd collect more.

I feel guilty on some degree since I wind up not paying the suggested donation and it is a turn off and demotivates me. The guy hasn't had any meetups lately but I haven't wanted to go simply because I don't like the idea of being told how much I should pay as a donation.

Suggested Donation is an illusory term!

Ya Gotta Wonder Sometimes

Greetings all,

I had a friend post some article on facebook about how people's EI runs out and they still have no work.

That's what happened to me. My EI ran out in June and I didn't have a job until September and I had a few temp assignments in August so I was without income for 2 months.

I survived because I had savings. Mind you this was money I was going to use eventually for a down payment on a condo and I had lost some money because of this recession so this was a very traumatizing experience for me, especially since I am naturally a saver. So now I am focusing on rebuilding my savings but also on keeping my spending low so I can build up my savings again.

I think people need to realize that it's not up the government to take care of you and while they have a bad reputation and I think sometimes get too much flak, we the people have to take responsibility for our own lives. We complain if the government is doing too much regulating and messing in our lives but then when things go awry, we just blame them. Sometimes the blame is justified, other times it's not.

I think people need to reexamine how they spend their money and focus on saving it and that's not something the government can do for you. Sure maybe they can provide some incentives.

Security seems to be a myth these days so we have to create our own sense of security. If I didn't have my savings, I'd probably be freaking out more when I was out of work with no income (I could have asked for money from my parents but didn't want it to get to that point)

It's not realistic to live in the moment all the time. You have to think of your own future and plan to some degree and be prepared. There are setbacks in life and your best solution is to be prepared.

What Goes Around Sorta Comes Around

Greetings all,

I did my first stand up show 2 years ago back on February 4 at The Rivoli. I found out as well that for the show Last Comic Standing, they had open auditions at the Yuk Yuk's in downtown Toronto. This was on Valentine's day so I skipped work and made my way down there.

I didn't know what to expect but I managed to get interviewed by the host. I don't know if I made it to air, but I think I stood out from the crowd because I was wearing my Canadian olympic winter hat which has the Canadian Leaf around it. Some of the comics that got to go in were already booked space via their agency so the people waiting in line were essentially unpaid extras. I was there for half the day at least waiting in the cold. They were going to let 25 go through and get a spot for the show last night. We got to go in small groups to try our jokes. I heard in line they were looking more for characters, so the one guy in my group did a character and actually got to be in the 25 that got to performed.

I know Yuk's has this annual contest where they award the winner some money. I actually found out from someone they are doing warm up type shows so I'll actually get to perform for one of them on Valentine's day. This will be my first show at Yuk's as I've been getting my experience in independently run open mics. I've tried a few times to get a spot on Yuk's but to no success and now that my book group meets on Tuesday, I haven't really bothered trying again.

I don't know what to expect from this but it is sort of a moment of what goes around comes around.

I am not a Man Hater!

Greetings all,

I know lately I seem to be bitching about men. I was bitching at lunch at work earlier this week and was hissing at my male co-workers as a bunch of us usually go down to the underground food court to eat lunch (there is no lunch room in our building). Somehow we talked about men and I was frustrated in general about them.

I really don't hate men but gees louise sometimes I just don't get men and what they do. I just find their behaviour illogical at times!

Why can't men just behave the way you want them to or the way you think they should??!!

Yes I understand that you really can't control anyone and that people need to have their freedom respected.

Men, if you are frustrated by the women in your life, believe me you probably frustrate us as much and possibly more!

My Job

Greetings all,

I've actually been trained last week on doing something new for my job. I'm in administration for an international insurance company. I am now issuing and doing billing for this new customer group. I find though, this company doesn't train the employees properly and they need to be more stricter and having actual training guides. Since I've had so many jobs, I know and expect to be properly trained. Their style of training seems to be 'on the fly' and they need to do something about it because sometimes the trainee doesn't receive all the necessary details to do the job properly.

I was as well being trained by a new person who's only been at the company for a month. I've been there since September. While she has been as compentent as possible about how to handle this new group, it's really the job of the company to make our jobs as clear and simple as possible.

I don't think it was smart of them as well to be putting new people on this new group. It was messy enough to deal with but as well having to deal with learning new processes, it would have made more sense to have experienced people doing this and training us on something else.

I think that's what I find frustrating about this job. It has so many members but it seems so disorganized and frankly I think management needs to run a tighter ship! I've made a few errors on billing, simply because I wasn't properly trained and usually the mistakes result from a simple changing of some date in the system.

It angers me because then I feel stupid. I am a good worker and don't like making errors like this. And then it creates more problems down the line and in the end is an annoyance for customers. I know it's not my fault. It would be my fault if I was told and kept making the same mistake. It really is the responsibility of the employer to ensure people are properly trained and to know the processes.

Sometimes I wonder if I should quit my job and find something else and work for a company that is at least a bit more organized in training. I know not all companies are perfect but it makes me wonder.

The flip side is that I want to be a professional comedian so I don't want to be changing jobs all the time. But then, why should I stay at a place that gets annoying at times?

I hate suffering and frankly wonder, how much BS should one tolerate? When should one walk away? How do you know when to tough it out or leave?

Anyways, I'll see what happens in the next few months. It is a hassle after all to find a job and I'd rather focus on my comedy.

Ball-less men

Greetings all,

I feel like I'm pretty tough and that you just can't mess with me. Sure I may seem soft spoken at times but if I need to, I have no problem standing up for myself or for others.

I sometimes feel like I have more balls then most people, which is frustrating at times - because people would rather cower in fear than stand up for you or for themselves. People who are fearful like that and lack courage, are not to be trusted in my eyes.

But most of all, sometimes I feel like I have more balls then most men, which means I'll probably have a harder finding a good, strong, courageous, reliable man.

Oh well, I am sure they are out there somewhere!

I want a Boyfriend!

Greetings all,

I haven't had an official boyfriend in probably like 4 years. I was at the Dollar Store and they've got Valentine's stuff up already. I'm not desperate or anything but I'd like a boyfriend. They can be such fun to play with sometimes!

A Prized Possession

Greetings all,

I thought I'd talk about my favourite possession. This is an object that I bought that makes me happy that I bought it. I was actually quite reluctant to buy it. The reason being is that I don't like to accumulate too much stuff and having things that I don't use. I am definitely an anti-knick-knack person. My philosophy is if I can't use it and enjoy it, I have no use for it and will not buy it!

This object is a drinking glass, that I use strictly for water, since I am a habitual water drinker. This is what it looks like:


Now just to point out, that pill bottle on the left is my Vitamin D pills, I am not on any medication, contrary to public suggestion.

This is a glass that obviously shows my sign - Capricorn. I'm not really into horoscopes, I'm open to the possibility that there may be some truth to them but at my core, I am a skeptic - a skeptic of everything. This glass was something I was skeptical to buy.

I didn't want to be one of those flaky hippy type people who believe in horoscopes and actually own a possession related to horoscopes.

I am not sure exactly why I like this glass. The message on it reads:
Capricorns have a most endearing sense of humour, they have great insight and patience is one of their virtues.

Do I like the message of it? I think I do have insight and a sense of humour, but patience? I mean I know I am not patient. I want what I want when I want it! Maybe patience is a virtue I am being trained to learn by the universe.

The other good thing about this glass was the price. I bought it at the Dollar Store for a dollar. I wasn't sure if I wanted to buy it and make that investment. Yes I know in hind sight, it was only a dollar plus tax but I am one of those people that tends to save and usually if I buy something, I have to think about buying it (unless of course my parents are buying it, then I just think less!)

Now we will take a look at the other side of the glass, which features this lovely goat:


Now again, we see a different pill bottle in the background, but that is just my iron pills which my doctor told me to buy since I am on the low side of the normal range. I am not a drug addict!

The goat is nice and maybe has a bit of me in it. It looks like something you don't mess with as the head is slightly lowered and it is showing its horns. It's not a sissy goat and maybe that is why I like it. It's got some spunk, kinda like me.

Finally the text is in green, Capricorn being white and the goat is outlined in brown so overall I like the look of the glass since I find green to be a soothing colour.

Thanks Mom...

Greetings all,

Today I told my mom I planned to go to Peru and Brazil in 2010 for a vacation since I never got to go anywhere for vacation, being that I was out of work this year. I've been debating over to go to Peru or Brazil but then I decided I can do both. I really just want to see Manchu Picchu in Peru and then probably spend most of my time in Brazil. I have a major need to travel and explore and 2 weeks in those countries should satisfy my craving for travel.

She told me I want to do too many things. I try to keep active and busy (but within reason). I've mentioned a while ago that I'd like to get involved in a charity but she just complains that I want to do too much.

I'd rather go out and enjoy life then do whatever she does. Like knit or go to church or obsess about food.

Not my cup of tea!

So I asked what should I be focusing on then? And her response was to get married.

Wow, thanks for throwing that in my face. My mother is such a bitch!

Like I enjoy being single at 30! Of course I want to get married and have babies but I'm not going to sit at home and feel sorry for myself and make finding a husband my life's priority.

I've put myself out there and frankly I am taking a break from men. They just aren't worth the effort. I don't think I'll find anyone anyways. I've tried enough and maybe it's not in the cards for me so I might as well be happy and do whatever the fuck I want.

I know she's wanted me to get married, but her stating it should be my focus is just ridiculous!

Hate Moving

Greetings all,

I have read on some relationship forum for women and have heard other stories from men who were in relationships, how they would move in with someone quickly, like say after 3 months of dating.

Frankly, I hate the whole idea of moving and I can't even imagine rushing into something like that. I am thinking about if I should move out of my apartment, but it's such effort to find a place and then pack everything and then I'd have to hire movers, but I'd have to research them since the last ones I had were assholes.

I guess if you move in with the person you are dating, you don't worry about finding a place, but I know I like where I live, and I am fussy about where I live.

Anyways, I wonder why these people rush into relationships like that by moving in with someone that they have only known for 3 months. I know with my last ex-roommate, we didn't know each other, but that is a different scenario but I just can't fathom moving in with someone so quickly

Merry Christmas!

Greetings all,

I spent my Christmas in Hamilton and left work on the 24th at 2. We were supposed to stay until 3 but frankly I was getting fed up of work and took off. My boss already took off early too and it seems other people in other departments were so I don't think it was much of a big deal. I was sick with a cold all week so I was irritable as well and just wanted to get out of there and get ready for Hamilton.

My Christmas with family is usually boring. I did some kundalini yoga yesterday and took it easy. Today my mother and I went for a hike but first we went by the casino, near the falls and I ended up winning $200 after playing a couple of slot machines for about 5 minutes. I played a bit more and then we left to go for a hike. Sometimes I would hike first and then go to the casino but I felt that it was better to end on a positive note since sometimes when I went to the casino, I wouldn't win much. I felt as well going for a hike was a more 'spiritually' oriented activity and gambling 'sinful' so I would rather do the sinful act first and atone with something evolved.

They really are quite opposite environments. The casino being loud with all the noise, people being mindless, whereas Hilton Falls is more calm, inspiring.

Good Riddance 2009!

Greetings all,

I have made plans to go out for New Year's and hopefully will enjoy more then last year's (which was for 2009). I will be glad when this year is officially over. It has been the worst year of my life. And it didn't even start out well as I made plans for New Year's and ended up buying tickets for the wrong event. I was looking forward to New Year's this year and the event I was at was not as fun as I wanted it to be. Major letdown, but life goes on. It was full of older people. I tried to make the best of it but I think it was symbolic of how the rest of the year, every thing was falling apart.

Things were looking better for me in September. So 2/3s of the year were hellish and difficult but because the majority of the year was so bad, I feel it overides the rest of the year where things were better.

My year in a nutshell:
- dealing with a roommate who went psycho and made my life miserable for a month. followed by stalking me in my home for several days after she officially moved out (creepy!)
- dealing with a woman who ran a spiritual meetup but was a spiritual poser and had sent me negative energy. being that I was emotionally vulnerable, I was not as quick to discern that she had no spiritual authority, although she was rather arrogant and cocky that she did
- having some crazy woman try to steal my purse after I spent an afternoon job hunting at the library
- finding out my so called friend stole my wallet and said her 2 year daughter took it and used it to make a purchase at the grocery store. It took me a while to even decide to report this to the police but she had moved to PEI at this point so it was too late
- being unemployed for 8 months (not including the 4 months from last year) and having no money coming in for 3 months, thanks to this recession
- having feelings for someone whom I have known for a couple of years (long distance situation) and realizing that things weren't going to go anywhere, even though I thought this situation had some chance to work out and then deciding to end it (we were not officially a couple, which is what I wanted and that didn't seem to be happening) and officially deleting all my saved emails and my skype account
- having to deal with this all on my own, and wanting to kill myself because some days the pain was just too intense

All of this bullshit happened while I was unemployed. Life is stressful already when you are unemployed but this was just too much to deal with.

This whole year has shaken me and my ego and I am now trying to make something out of my life. This year was a blow to my ego and I am still licking the wounds. I need no patronizing and to be told to focus on the positive. The positive was just a drop in the ocean of misery I was in this year.

The good things that happened were:
- moving to Toronto. My apartment is not the greatest and I think my super is lazy and an ass but I like living in this city. There is always something to do
- finding a job. It's not my ideal job but it is paying my bills while I figure out what to do with my life
- joining an anthroposophical book group for young people where we are discussing Towards Social Renewal
- learning violin. I have gotten a new instructor, whom I think is probably better then the last so I should hopefully progress more

I have a lot of work ahead of me but I should hope next year things will get better. I hope this year will just be a year to forget and a distant memory.

Speed Dating

Greetings all,

I went on a speed dating event on Wednesday as it was free for me. It was free because I went to one of their other events and I guess they have me on their mailing list and someone cancelled so to keep the number of men and women as balanced as possible, they were giving away a couple of free spots.

I didn't get any matches. I must have said yes to 4 or 5 different men out of probably 20.

I've done speed dating twice and a speed hating event, which is really speed dating with a twist - you talk about what you hate.

I'm somewhat annoyed that with all 3 events, I never managed one match. I am trying not to take it personally but how the hell does that happen? Not even one match and I've done this 3 times??

Well I don't think speed dating is for me. I wonder what the success rate is. I feel it's hard to decide in 3 - 5 minutes if this person is right for you, but then again maybe really that is all it takes to formulate a decision. I would think in some cases, chemistry is instant but in others it can build over time.

Chemistry is definitely noticeable in the beginning and this time around this is what I focused on. I felt some attraction for the guys I said yes to.

here's an article that suggests it's a better form of dating
http://www.love-sessions.com/speed_dating.htm

I'm taking a hiatus from dating so I probably shouldn't have gone to this but they had appetizers and I wanted some free food. They had pizza and it was so good. I think the pizza was the best thing of the night. As well someone talked to me about books and he gave some good book suggestions

Review of Steve Harvey's Book "Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man"

Greetings all,

I was at the library and one of the books I took out was Steve Harvey's book "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man"

I got a couple of chapters into it and he talked about there are 3 ways men show love. The 2 I remember was protecting you and providing for you. I forgot the 3rd P.

He shares a story about how he was on a boat with some people and his wife was scuba diving. He did not go with her and he started freaking out and threatening those on the boat that she better be alive or they all have to save her.

I was thinking, he doesn't sound like he is protecting her, he sounds more like a control freak. The kicker for me was when he said that she was an adventurous girl and now doesn't do as much of the stuff she used to (like para sailing, etc)

I would think this is not demonstrating he is protecting her.

As well, this wife has probably lost an important piece of her personality as she has ended up sacrificing hobbies that made her happy - just to keep her man calm, when in reality he is the one that needs to deal with his issues. This is not the basis of a happy and emotionally balanced relationship.

I think this is sending a dangerous message to women - that it is okay to tolerate a control freak, who claims he is protecting you. That to me is showing that you are concerned about her safety and trying to protect her in healthy ways.

I would think if he were concern, he'd fret about making sure she was prepared with her oxygen tank, etc and ensuring she was properly certified.

Another example was that he shares a story of his dad threatening to kill the insurance man who was being rude to his wife. Threatening one's life is taking it to the extreme. I can understand speaking to him and telling him to stop harassing them but again that shows to me that this is an unhealthy form of protecting a woman.

Steve Harvey is condoning violence and that is not cool!
I would not want to be with a man who was a control freak. I'd rather be happy alone!
That is not love!

Towards Social Renewal

Greetings all,

I recently joined a new anthroposophical book group and we started meeting last week. I just found out about them as well last week in the Steiner Centre e-newsletter. The guy who hosts lives near where I live. When it warms up I potentially can walk as it's probably a 20 minute walk but since it's so damn dark so early, I'd feel safer driving.

The group is for young anthroposophists, although we have one guy who is 'old' but I think he knows some of the people in the group. There are some guys in my group, a few which are 'hotties'. There's about 5 or 6 guys and one other girl (not including me). It's a switch from my last book group which had mainly older women and one guy close to my age and one older man (everyone was pretty much over 40 when I joined).

I read the book for the first time probably when I was like 23 or 25 so it's been quite a long time. The biggest thing I remember was that the spheres of economy, politics (rights) and culture/spirit, had to be autonomous. I wonder what I'll get out of reading this book again.

Steiner wrote it after the first World War, so a lot I think has changed but I am sure the principles are still timely and relevant. I know lots of people are cynical about the way our society is but I think humanity is evolving and progressing, I just think it takes time and I think we sometimes don't look back to how far we have come.

I think it would be foolish to say there aren't things that need to be worked out, rights that need to be established, laws that need to be honoured, evil that needs to be dealt with.

I think in the past 1000 years there has been progress. People have various rights and have access to education and other resources. I think humanity is trying to work together to some degree.

Anyways, I think change is possible but I think it requires as Steiner talks about, social will.

I think humanity is evolving, although maybe not as smoothly as possible, but I think nevertheless, progress is being made. I know that might sound naive but I really feel it's possible, it just takes some time and effort.

Besides, most of the problems that are created, are really problems humanity has created for itself so I think as well that is why these things can be solved. Society is a human construct so if it's a mess we made, then surely it can be a mess we clean up.

How do You Stay Sane?

Greetings all,

I wonder how people in this world stay sane and emotionally centered and calm. I am very disciplined in my spiritual practice, although I don't talk about it to others.

I have done hatha yoga for 8 years, qigong for 3 and now have been doing kundalini yoga for over a year and a half. I also have experience working with sanskrit mantras for 4 years.

I also keep a journal to write down my fears, anger, frustrations, etc.

I often wonder, how does everyone else keep sane?

I think I'd be in a mental institute or massively fucked up if I didn't make use of these calming spiritual tools. This world seems mad for me and I shudder to think how stressed I would be if I didn't have access to this information that is readily available to people.

I'm sure people centre themselves in other ways but I wonder how effective it is in helping them to truly relax.

Is there something wrong with me?

Greetings all,

I think many people probably feel this way about themselves, i.e. that they feel like something is wrong with them. Today I was wondering if maybe what I really am feeling, is me becoming aware of some of my 'weaknesses' that I may not have wanted to acknowledge. I know that I do have some limitations and weaknesses and for the most part I accept them but maybe I'm becoming aware of other things. I guess we all possess strengths and weaknesses.

Being that I possess a raging ego, maybe this is sort of a process of humbling.

I feel that I am socially ackward too. Like people scare me. I think once I get used to seeing the same people, the fear dissipates.

I don't know if I've mentioned this already, but when I took my career exploration workshop back in August, we got to take the official Myers-Briggs personality test. I was an INTP. I got to keep the test and technically I am an INTJ as well since my J(judging) and P(perceiving) were tied and the way they structure the test is that P takes precedence if there is a tie.

My thinking and feeling were the ones with the most difference. My introvert (I) and extrovert were quite close as I probably have become more extroverted over the years. My score for thinking was 20 and my feeling was 4.

I wonder if this is why I feel like something is wrong with me. Maybe I am too strong of a thinker. A lot of things people do doesn't make sense to me. I guess maybe because I can be so logical, alot of emotional decisions people make just doesn't make sense to me.

I think this affects how I feel as a woman as well, because typically we women are the 'emotional' ones but I actually have a high ability to shut out my emotions, which I find can be an unhealthy thing so that is why I consciously try to talk about my feelings but it's not natural for me.

Sometimes when I am around women, I just can't relate to what they talk about. I don't really like shopping. I know actually I am not the only one as I mentioned to some other women and I know at least a few that aren't shoppers. I know women don't always talk about this stuff but sometimes they do and I just don't get it.

I am trying to increase my emotional intelligence but it is hard. I can just be very cold about situations simply because I look at them logically but I think as a thinker, I do care about being fair and compassionate.

I am in a very weird place in my life. I am almost done being 30 but I feel odd. I am no longer able to slack off in life, like in your 20s, you can get away with doddling but now it's crunch time, otherwise by the time I hit 40 I'll be messed up and unhappy.

I have read that Marriage is one of the big markers into adulthood. I wonder though if I would gain some 'credibility' as an adult if I were to get married. I also had this fear that I would settle but then I realized I probably wouldn't because it's just not in my nature to settle.

I don't have the 'career' thing going.

It is frustrating because I know of several people my age who have nice careers and are married with children. I still feel like a child, even though I am responsible at work and pay my bills. I get the freedom to do what I want. When am I going to start feeling like an adult?

I think these are my current neurotic thoughts and insecurities going on.

My Rapper Name

Greetings all,

I went to an event in Toronto called Hip Hop Karaoke on Friday night. It's a little different then regular karaoke because first of all, it focuses on hip hop songs and secondly it is like going to a concert with the singers as the performers.

There was a stage and people would dance in the crowd. There was not too many places to sit. The place was packed and it had the vibe of a concert. It was cool to be there. Also some people from NYC showed up because they do this in New York as well.

I decided that I needed to come up with a rapper name and so I came up with it last Saturday, in my car driving to Hamilton.

My rapper name is MC Cussalot. Because I cuss a lot. Bitch

(that is my tag line as well)

I rapped Maestro Fresh Wes' song Let Your Backbone Slide. I apparently did good and someone was telling me that he heard I 'destroyed' the house. I memorized that song a few years ago but with most rap songs, if you are going to perform them, it certainly helps to know the words.

They have this once a month so I think I would like to go back there again.

The Violinist

Greetings all,

I have been taking violin lessons starting I think in October. I'm renting my violin because I wanted to rent one out first to see if I liked the instrument. I actually enjoy playing it so I plan on actually buying myself one.

My instructor is 21 but has been playing it since 4. I think she went to a school for it. She is British as well. I am not sure if I like her though. She seems to be doing an okay job as an instructor but I wonder if she is too hung up on how her teachers were. For example, I got to learn a piece from the Suzuki book but she didn't want me to write down anything and she made notes on my book (with my permission). I personally learn better when I write things out and she didn't want me to get into the habit of writing out what each note is or how to play it. I think that I'm new to this so it would make sense to do it in the beginning and eventually I won't need to.

Also she doesn't seem to want to show me how to tune the top part of my violin because it's 'too difficult'. There are tuners on the bottom and they do the job fine. I don't know if others would agree that I don't really need to learn that but I'm one of those people that if I want to know something or have a question, I want answers or how to do it!

I could probably try another instructor but I am not sure.

She has said playing violin is one of the hardest instruments. Is she saying this because her teachers have told her it is? Because violin has to maintain this image of being hard because it's a classical instrument? I think playing the guitar is harder because I have experience playing it. I am doing well as a beginner and I think maybe that's because of my guitar experience. A violin has 2 less strings and it is more compact to play. One thing in the beginning I kept doing was overstretching my fingers but that's because that's how you have to play the guitar so I think my muscles are now learning a new set of skills.

The only thing tricky I find is that you have to be precise in violin and where you are to put your fingers, is not clearly identified as in a guitar (by the frets)

I don't think violin uses chords so that's another reason why I think it's easier to learn. I am enjoying it though and find it soothing to play.

Just Can't Shake It

Greetings all,

Well I haven't seen my ex roommate since February. That was almost 9 months ago but I still think about her. I told my bookgroup peeps my situation several months ago and one of them said that he was in a similar situation where someone was quite hurtful to him and it took months to shake off the hurtful comments.

I guess I was aware of some level she was a bitch but she was an emotional whack job and needs some counselling. I was at a gaming store and saw the gaming systems and I was reminded that she wouldn't even let me play with her Wii. She just kept it for herself. What kind of selfish person behaves that way?

The thing though is my big thing was being able to pay rent on time. She was good at that so I guess I didn't care so much about other things like sharing the Wii or what not. I guess I could tolerate some of her drama queen behaviour because in my mind I already decided that I really didn't like her much.

I guess this was a learning experience. Although I wanted a roommate and got one, this one was not the kind I liked. I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust living with someone again. I know it'll take me a while to even consider moving in with someone or getting a roommate. I hate the hassle of searching for one if it doesn't work out.

Materialistic Thinking at its Finest!

Greetings all,

I was in a meditation group and the organizer briefly showed the group a book by Masaru Emoto. I am not sure which one exactly it was but I was already familiar with his concepts and was initially exposed to it via the pseudo-science/cult film 'What the Bleep Do We Know'.

I took out a couple of books from the library since as I was flipping through, one section looked worthy of my attention. I took out 'The Healing Power of Water' and 'The Secret Life of Water'. I flipped through the books and looked at the pretty pictures and then I realized, that its not water that is healing. Water is merely the medium. It is thinking that is the true healer.

Again, we encounter gross materialistic thinking at its finest.

Here we have these 'spiritualists' who now seem to think of water as this miraculous and wonderous thing (hey I drink water all the time, it's great but there is a very serious error in thinking here) when in reality, it is our Intention and what we Think that is causing these effects.

Again, this just reaffirms to me the Anthroposophical concept of Clear Thinking and Clear Thinking is so lacking in today's intellectual and spiritual groups.

One of the Errors in Feminist Thinking

Greetings all,

I started to read a book called At the Root of this Longing: Reconciling a Spiritual Hunger and a Feminist Thirst by Carol Flinders. Basically it is about feminism and spirituality and is about how "many feminists have been skeptical about traditional spirituality, and their mistrust has not been entirely unfounded. The forms of self-sacrifice often required by the spiritual life--including silence and suppression of desire--are conditions that have been imposed on women for centuries." (amazon.ca)

I have a hard time with this very concept of Feminism. First of all, I read an interesting book that talks about how having a Patriarchal society, is not only detrimental to women, but also to men. Men and Women both have feminine and masculine qualities and it is unhealthy for both to deny these qualities.

Anyways, I think the fundamental error in Feminist thinking is they can only see themselves as the victim and fail to see many people in this world are suffering. True it does not justify the wrongs that have been and are still being done to women. Women still have more bullshit to deal with as we continue to evolve. Hell, in the Middle East, women still aren't receiving rights that they should be.

There are other groups that experience suffering. For example, the Proletariat versus the Bourgeois. People complain endlessly how the Worker suffers but the Capitalists have their own issues to deal with but we just take one side.

Or the Natives. Being that today is Thanksgiving, we can argue that we basically stole their land and raped them of their culture but many leave their reserves and enjoy the materialism and perks of today's society.

Or the Blacks. They suffered and have a history of being slaves.

There are many groups and people that suffer every day in this world. I have only listed a few, there are still more. I just find Feminist thinking fails to see the big picture - they are just one group of the many groups that have to deal with suffering and not being treated equally.

What good though does it do to point out these injustices? It's good to acknowledge the wrong and to move forward but to keep pointing out how women have been victimized over the past thousands of years doesn't help us. Instead we need to focus on how far society has progressed and what areas need to be improved.

I think it boils down to Forgiveness. Holding on to the hurt and injustices done only hurts the Holder. People do need to deal with their pain and to eventually rise to that level and recognize that people hurt out of ignorance and egoism. Accepting the injustice certainly does not justify it and take away from the wrongness. Rather we can move forward and start creating laws, etc and doing something about the occurences.

Humanity didn't start out all evolved and all knowing and slowly we as a species are learning to be a little more nicer but realistically we still have a lot of evolving to do.

Again, part of what I find is the fundamental flaw is failing to see that everyone suffers to some degree. According to Buddha, life is suffering. Her whole argument has no validity. If feminists are skeptical about spirituality, maybe it's because they only want to believe that they are the ones that have experienced suffering. Isn't typically typical of victims to only see their own suffering and not that of those around them?

Although I agree with the point that women have been made to be silenced, the reality is no one likes to hear the Truth sometimes and it doesn't matter who says it. I watched someone on The Jon Stewart Show call him a Communist - just because they didn't like his opinions. Clearly women aren't the only ones that piss people off.

Life is painful but it can also be beautiful.
But that's life.

The Elder

Greetings all,

My job is pretty boring. Entry level office. I'm glad though, that I have a job because I was out of work for so long. I'm still figuring out what direction I want to go with my life. Being that I am a deep thinker and all, these things tend to take me a while to figure out.

I started my job with 2 other people at the same time. One of them is 26 and quite extroverted and outgoing and warm. The other is 22 and is fresh out of school. The later is a bit annoying but I am making the conscious decision to step back and make fun of the situation.

I find that she has no concept of the work world and she was complaining a bit about how stupid our job is and how a 7 year old could do our work. True, our work is easy but it's a job and it has to be done. I know when I was 22, I didn't like the jobs I had but I didn't complain about them. I mean, I couldn't figure out what to do with my life so really I had no one else to blame.

A funny thing she said the other day was how in school at least she could nap. I think these youngins' just don't get that school only prepares you to some degree about 'the real world' and that to be in school is a luxury.

And sadly doesn't teach you the harsh realities of work. The 9-5 world. The dealing with egos. The dealing with bosses. The dealing with doing repetitive tasks.

I honestly wonder why the hell did she apply to this job?

I guess I am seeing some expectation mentality in her.

Today we were having lunch with a guy who sits in between us. I am starting to crush on him - mainly because he has curly hair and I find curly hair drives me wild. We started to discuss about colds and how going out with wet hair can make you sick. Me and Curly Hair boy both agreed that it doesn't make you sick but the Youngin was insistent on being right and that it compromises your immunity. But really you'd have to be exposed to it for a long time for it to really make you sick and most people aren't outside long enough to make you sick.

I argued though that neither of us are doctors so really none of us can be sure but she seemed rather insistent on her position.

I have read that that is a myth and that most colds can be prevented simply by hand washing. She just couldn't accept that I was right and I was comfortable enough with my self where it didn't bother me.

I think I'll enjoy pushing her buttons because now I am starting to see that instead of getting mad at how annoying she can be, maybe I should push her buttons and laugh at her own youthful foolishness.

The thing though is I see a bit of me in her but I still think I will try and push her buttons. Afterall, it seems fairly easy.

When is it My Turn?

Greetings all,

I've been fairly busy with work and doing things around the city. I had to go to a baby shower yesterday for a relative and there were 5 other women pregnant as well.

I told my mother on the way home that I feel like I'm being left behind. All these people who are my age or younger are getting married and having babies. I wonder when am I going to find the right man and have my own?

It gets frustrating but I can't really do much about it so I am just enjoying life.

I had a potluck with the book group back in Dundas that I used to regularly attended. Someone in the group, their mother didn't get married and start having kids until 40 and someone in my group as well had been married again and had her first kids in her 40s.

I really don't want to be that 'old' to start having kids and finding the right man but do I really have any choice? I can't force things in life and it's not like I'm not going out and trying dating.

Again I keep coming back to this idea of relaxing and enjoying life.

Considering that I like to plan things and be in control, this relaxing stuff and waiting is just bullshit!

Over and Done With

Greetings all,

As mentioned a few posts earlier, I was talking again with the 'english muffin'. I last spoke to him on Skype near the end of July and haven't heard from him since. I have been online a few times and a couple of times I honestly think he was avoiding me because he would hop off like about 2 or 3 minutes after I made myself visible. I noticed he was online alot and so I thought maybe he wanted to chat with me and congratulate me but the couple of times I would make myself visible, he just never bothered.

I poked him on facebook back in the middle of August and we exchanged a few messages.

I just decided that I don't need someone like that in my life so I officially decided to be over and done with him.

I really don't think he was into me and maybe was to some degree, but not enough to make him come and visit me.

Or make the effort to talk to me.

I really just don't understand him and this on/off friendship has gone on long enough. I gave him a chance and let him lead.

I was upset since he didn't even bother to congratulate me on finding a job as I posted it on facebook and many of my friends congratulated me.

I just don't understand why he would play around with me but I don't need someone like that in my life.

I deleted my skype account last Monday and sent him a quick note this morning that I have enough friends and that removing him was nothing personal. I have known him long enough so I wanted to at least give him a polite goodbye, since I think I have class, although maybe I shouldn't since he lacked courage and balls to end things.

I also don't understand why he would keep me as a friend on facebook but cowardly avoid me on skype. Well it's over and done with and I'm just not into him anymore. He has proved himself to be unworthy of my attention!

A New Holiday

Greetings and Salutations,

I have created a new holiday called "I Think I Am Awesome Day" and this holiday is for those who think they are awesome or for those who are lacking some confidence to focus and look within to discover their own Inner Awesomeness.

We have many holidays that celebrate things such as the birth of a Saviour, or the beginning of a New Year, or even for those in Love. But what we lack is a holiday to acknowledge our own self confidence and self worth and so that is why I have decided to create this holiday. We all need to stop and take the time to look within and acknowledge our own Inner Awesomeness as it is easy to forget.

So if you think you are Awesome, today is the day to celebrate!

Tell your friends!

Happy I Think I Am Awesome Day!

Redirect the Flow

Greetings all,

Because I am interested in spiritual topics, the concept of 'going with the flow' is always brought up. I am currently into kundalini yoga and have done 8 years of regular yoga and 3 years of qigong. I know that it helps to relax, instead of trying to fight and struggle.

But sometimes, I wonder if people misapply this concept of 'going with the flow' because sometimes you can't go with the flow and maybe need to redirect it or put a halt to it.

Sometimes you just have to make a decision in life and make things happen. While I think it's important to realize what you can and cannot control and stay relaxed, sometimes you need to nudge a little, probe a little and push a little.

I understand sometimes life is going to teach us some things so it's just best to 'go with the flow' and learn but life isn't always like that. I think since I am a creative person, I know from experience, I don't just come up with ideas from no where. I put some thought into things and get observations. I am proactive and eventually something comes out of that but it comes out because I put effort into it.

Clearly in life, you need to put effort and other times you don't. I guess it takes wisdom to know when to do what.

Tethering Dogs and it's Relation to Human Behaviour

Greetings all,

I was driving a few days ago and heard John Tesh on the radio and was briefly listening to him. Now I personally hate John Tesh but what he was talking about what interesting. I hate him because he makes what I perceive to be common sense knowledge, into something revolutionary. Like okay, this is good to know, but really this is not going to enhance the quality of my life that much.

He was talking about how tethering dogs is not good and there is research to support this since dogs are social creatures and if they get tied up, it makes them more territorial and thus more aggressive because they are not allowed to roam free.

So it would be better to let them run free so they are happier.

I thought about how this parallels to human behaviours.

We humans are social creatures and we need each other, whether we want to admit or not. But you can see how if people try to control each other, it just fosters aggression in humans.

We can look at political structures where democracy is not allowed and see that eventually it leads to rebellions, civil wars and alot of angry people.

Or in corporations where if people aren't listened to and given freedom to do their work, it can lead to strikes or to people just quitting the jobs.

Or in personal relationships or marriage. Can result in people cheating or people withdrawing emotionally because they do not like being controlled and having their freedom taken away.

I'm sure there are more examples out there but basically we humans have something in common with dogs in that in order for humans to be healthy, they must have freedom and it is a necessity. Denying people freedom is just going to create aggressive behaviour.

So if we want to live in a more peaceful world, it makes sense to give people some freedom instead of trying to control them.

Job Finding

Greetings all,

I had an interview on Tuesday and was notified the next day I got a job. I will be working for an insurance company. I interviewed with them before for a different position at a different location but I saw one day they had an office downtown and so applied again for some other positions. I didn't like the other location because it was a bit too north for me but I decided I wanted to work downtown so I am glad it worked out this way.

I am glad that I have a job to pay my bills but at the same time I realized that I still have more inner work to do. I have to figure out if I want to go back to school or if I want to be a professional comedian. I have to figure out what I want to do with my life and I have to think about it. There are lots of people that have jobs they like and they feel they are putting their intelligence and skills to good use. I would like to feel like that too as I feel like I am just not doing the right work for me.

Getting the call for the job was bitter sweet. I had been unemployed for so long - 1 year - and not by choice and it was starting to get to me. This recession took something from me and I wonder if I will recover. I feel I have lost something important. Maybe it's the whole Saturn Return concept I mentioned in an earlier post, I don't know.

I don't think it's fair that I've had to struggle to find work during a recession. I got laid off just before this recession happened. It is what it is but it certainly was not easy to live with. This whole year has been quite emotionally difficult so maybe the last 4 months of the year, things will pick up. Too many bad things have happened to me and it's got to turn around

Rude Employment Counsellor

Greetings all,

I have been using some government assistance in finding a job and initially went to a counsellor last month who referred me to a centre that does career exploration. I spoke with her again because I need a job and said I would be willing to get job finding help.

I've had 6 interviews (one arranged by an agency), so I am having some luck with my resume. The counsellor referred me to another agency to help specifically with finding a job. I spoke with the counsellor today but I did not like her one bit. I basically thought she was an insensitive bitch and she reminded me of my ex-roommate.

Her name is Shaila Shafique and she questioned my motivation and said I didn't seem motivated and seemed tired. She failed to show empathy for my situation and I felt she wasn't showing warmth and I felt she was disorganized. She didn't even bother asking me about my job search history and maybe if she did, she would have learned that I am experiencing some success. While I am open to feedback, I don't think she knew what she was talking about. She said a resume has to be 1 page. Mine is 2 and I have read online that the 1 page rule is not strictly followed.

I have weeded my resume and it is not my fault I have various job experiences.

I left a message with the other employment counsellor because I want another one. This woman was a bit insensitive. I have been out of work for 1 year, how would she feel if she was job searching for several months and wasn't finding anything? Her spirit would be just as weary as mine, maybe more.

Plus I moved here in April and am still trying to make friends, and I am not someone who opens up easily to just anyone.

I really think there was something wrong with this person. I come here for a service, I am not the one to be expected to be happy and smiling. I don't come either expecting them to do all the work for me so I didn't appreciate her ignorance.

Decisions, decisions

Greetings all,

I spoke to an employment counsellor a few weeks ago and she told me about a program that helps you to explore careers that would suit you. I was taking that this week and we just have one more session and a private meeting with one of the counsellors.

I think being at my age, I feel like I am at a major crossroads and I need to make the right decisions and honest, truthful decisions, other wise I will go through the same bullshit again.

So thankfully I am doing a helpful meditation that is helping me to look at things that I probably didn't want to.

So I am facing alot of ugliness in my soul but I think it is for my own good, which hopefully in the long run will pay off. I am facing my own imperfections that I didn't want to deal with. I feel I am becoming more honest about my own flaws. While I have always strived to live authentically, I am going through another layer.

There seems to be so much to let go of. My existence is muddled but hopefully soon I will get the direction I am searching for and forge my way through this world.

I hope to be at peace with myself.

Crazy Neighbors

Greetings all,

I live in a low rise apartment with 4 floors. So there are 6 units each floor with the basement holding possibly 4 units. So that means there are 22 units, one of which resides the super.

For some reason I have what I think is a lot of crazy neighbors in a small building.

Last night one lady who has a son was yelling at around 10 pm-ish about how she was locked out of her apartment and I think she couldn't get the super as maybe they were out but she kept yelling and freaking out for about 10 minutes. I don't know if she is being evicted but it did sound like she was able to get into her apartment. And I wonder if she forgot her key, which means being locked out was her fault and she really shouldn't be yelling like a lunatic.

Two weeks ago there was some yelling going on and I heard someone running through the hall and then went outside. Did they do something wrong to the yeller or were they running in fear because there was some verbal spat going on?

Finally we have what I call the Crazy Cat Lady. One day she kept calling for her cat. She would say 'kitty, kitty'. Now as you all know most cats are rather independent and do not come when you call them unless you are offering food. This woman did this one day for at least 10 minutes and again did the same thing. She has been good lately or maybe she just keeps the cat indoors. Earlier on this month, some couple was moving out and I think the night before she was yelling at them because the next day they were arguing. The guy was trying to stay calm but the Crazy Cat Lady kept spewing nonesense. The man was trying to rationalize with her but when it comes to crazy people, you just leave them alone and do not antagonize them.

One day in June I believe the CCL was yelling about how the door to get in was locked and that it shouldn't be locked at 9pm. The south doors are open during the day to get into the building since we do not have a buzzer but they usually close around 9 or 10 by the super usually. The north doors are locked all the time so you would need a key. All I could think was 'why don't you have your key since this wouldn't be a problem'. I don't know about you but usually if I go out, I lock my apartment and so would need my key.

I did get to see what she looks like earlier this month. All I could hear was her voice and so I built up this image of her in my mind. She had a husky, red neck voice. When I saw the Crazy Cat Lady she was just as I envisioned her: possessing a roughed, worn out and beaten looking face, confused looking with a hint of blue eyeliner and a cigarette in her left hand.

There is an old lady on my floor with a hunchback. I thought she was crazy the first time I encountered her but I think she is just a harmless old lady with bad hearing so I wouldn't put her in the same category as these people.

The funny thing though is I can relate, which I'm sure we all can, to these people freaking out. Normally I try not to let myself get out of control like that but I'm sure it happens to the best of us. You think you are in control and making a statement but when you freak out like that you just look silly and out of control.

I also neglected to mention that we had an incident where someone fell off the roof. I don't know the details but thought what the hell is someone doing on the roof?

Sick of the Economy

Greetings all,

I am still unemployed and am sick to my stomach about my situation. I had a couple of interviews last week but didn't get the job. I had someone call on Monday so if they want an interview, they said they'd call by the end of the week.

I went to talk to an Employment Counsellor and if I want I can try and go back to school for January as part of the Second Career program, which would subsidize my education and living costs. The thing is I still need a job and have no money coming in.

I've applied to some service jobs and haven't heard from anyone yet.

All I want is to find meaningful employment and some money but things are just getting worse and worse. I hope things turn around soon. I am feeling so much despair and anger. It's hard not to take unemployment personally. I'm more then qualified for the jobs I apply to but there is too many of us out there looking for work.

* * *
I found out a few weeks ago that my 'friend' stole my credit card and used it to buy groceries. She is 34 years old and has a 2 year old daughter. She moved back to her family in PEI on July 1 because she was diagnosed with bone cancer. I knew about it then but I didn't call the cops to charge her with theft and I was too upset to confront her about it and deal with the drama of the situation.

I sent her a message the other day and I'm sure she has responded to me by now but I can't bother to read the email. I was disappointed with her and disgusted because I arrived home back in May after visiting her and realized my wallet was missing. She said her daughter probably stole it. Two days later she found some of the contents in her daughter's back pack. The next month I got a statement from my other credit card that I do not use and it was for groceries at the store by her house and on the day my wallet was missing.

I thought it either was her or someone from her daughter's day care who stole my wallet. I thought she was not the type to do something like that and so brought it up and she said she didn't.

I notified the credit card company that I did not make the purchase and eventually I got a copy of the charge and it looked like her hand writing. I got a sample of her hand writing and it matched.

There really is no excuse for this and she knows I was under stress since I didn't hae a job.

I will end up having to look at my inbox at facebook as that's where I sent her the message but depending on her response I will have to contact the police and press charges. I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone like that.

Maybe she was under a lot of stress but you just don't do that kind of stuff to your friends.

Toronto Fringe Festival

Greetings all,

I am a volunteer this year for the Toronto Fringe Festival. I've been seeing alot of shows these past few days and they have certain free shows for the volunteers as well as comps for the shifts that we do.

There is one play that is about some gay mother getting married. I didn't see it but frankly I am not interested in seeing anything about gays. I don't have a problem with gays but I am just so damn tired of the subject. I know in Canada, homosexuality has been decriminalized 40 years ago, which really isn't a long time. And sure there are still people who aren't comfortable with coming out but I think most people are progressive about this issue.

I'm just tired of some gays thinking it's a big deal to discuss gay issues. I don't know but I feel, like dude I get it your gay, let's move on!

I know in the USA, they are still quite backwards on this issue so maybe they should take the show there where it can generate some controversy.

I don't get the Pride festival either. I'm sure they feel great to declare their sexual orientation considering how repressed they have been but can we just move on already! You've got your civil rights already!

Now I didn't see that show but I'm just basing my opinion on the title and description. Maybe it's funny and interesting. Maybe it's not.

Another show I saw dealt with the topic of women's body issues and talked about plastic surgery, throwing up to maintain weight. This was another subject that I felt was done to death. The performer/writer mentioned at the end that there is a Q & A after the show to talk about this 'sensitive issue'. No offense but this was a sensitive issue back in the 90s (or maybe even earlier) when 90210 did some episode about this.

I just don't understand these writers/performers who take a topic that has been discussed to death and then claim their show is addressing a unique issue, when in reality they are tackling with an issue that has been in the media for decades.

Maybe it could work if things were done in a fresh and innovative way. But in this case, it was not.

Now I saw this show and thought it was super bland. I was glad at least that it was 40 minutes. Maybe the young woman putting on the show thought she was empowering women but I didn't think so. Not all women have body issues. Most people don't like themselves 100% and there is always something one wants to change but most people don't go to the extreme of having surgery, obsessing over diet and exercise and becoming anorexic or bulimic. Those extremes are a sign that the person is sick and has some major issues.

But most of all what was annoying was the show was put on by a skinny bitch. I really wonder what was her experience with this subject because she looks like she is one of those people who are naturally skinny. It's like hearing Paris Hilton talk about the struggles of being poor.

Not Always 'On'

Greetings all,

I'm quite annoyed as I was speaking to someone who posted an ad looking for presenters. Since I have improv and stand up experience, I mention that in my cover letter and I got to speak to the person today.

The person thought I was reserved and was expecting someone more gregarious. This is not the first time I met or talked with someone who expected that someone in comedy to be more outgoing.

The reality is, yes I am reserved but I'm not reserved all the time and sometimes enjoy being on stage and being gregarious. I am not always on and I get angry as well because I know I am funny and a good performer but because I am reserved at times, people will just judge me on that.

First of all, I think these people just go on this stereotype of how funny people should be. We are not always outgoing and many of us can be quiet and pensive. I think if I were to be outgoing and joke all the time, I would feel like I am not being myself and not being authentic. I try to be myself and sometimes I am cautious and sometimes I take risks and do strange things.

I'm not going to change who I am but people need to start changing their perceptions of how they think someone should be.

People are always full of surprises so stop having expectations of how you think people should be.

Karma

Greetings all,

I read on some forum someone asking if you believe in karma. The responses were typical - showing that many people don't even know what the concept is and merely stating that it's about 'what goes around, comes around'.

What the hell does that even mean? I just find people don't get the concept of karma and it's a vast concept. Steiner did over 8 volumes on that topic alone! And it's also a major tenet in some religions such as Buddhism. Why people gloss over it and fail to give the proper respect that it deserves is beyond my comprehension!

First of all, it doesn't matter whether you believe in karma or not. Based on my understanding of the world, there are certain 'rules' and karma is about 'cause and effect'. We all have certain thought and behaviour patterns that we get into the routine of. Eventually these things 'bear fruit' and we may not see the consequences of our thoughts and actions, potentially not even in this lifetime.

It has nothing to do with 'what goes around comes around'. You have the free will to do whatever the hell you want but if you go around screwing and hurting people, people will not like you or help you out. It's about living with the consequences of our actions. A mentality like that can only get you so far.

I find though that people use the word karma as a form of being self righteous towards someone. Usually if that someone is doing something hurtful - usually to them. I think it is inappropriate to have that mentality - that of delighting that someone will suffer because they hurt you - because it just fosters hatred and negativity. The whole point of life is to develop compassion and love and getting off on someone's ignorance is a sign of egoism. We all have egoism but the point is to purify ourselves.

This is where the concept of changing your karma comes into play. I learned through my mantra meditation practice that you can use things like mantra to create change and help ease difficulties. I am sure there are other techniques out as well to help deal with the blockages we ignorantly create in our lives and in past lives. I still believe in free will and we can chose if we want to change our life or not, we can chose to let go of pain and be more compassionate and peaceful. When we do that, we do change our karma and possibly open the gate for positive karma.

The whole reason for having compassion for someone is mainly because we create things and problems out of ignorance. It's like an employee new on the job and who is making mistakes. The person could be making all these mistakes out of ignorance because they weren't properly trained. Is it fair to be judgmental and harsh towards them?

I would like to learn more about Karma from an Anthroposophical perspective because I think there is so much to learn about this concept and I feel I have only scratched the surface. Steiner has some interesting examples where he talks about how karma plays out in personalities over several lifetimes and those were interesting to read and gave karma a more practical approach.

Falling Apart

Greetings all,

I am still actively looking for work and had an interview yesterday, although I do not think I was interested in the company because I couldn't understand the interviewer, who would be the future boss.

I am watching my life spiral out of control. I am doing my best but it's not good enough. I can't even seem to have luck with employment agencies because there is so much competition.

I would like to say that I'm losing my mind but I'm past that point already.

I've lost my mind and am having a hard time staying optimistic. My employment insurance is done and now all I have is my savings, which I had to buy a condo or house.

All of my dreams and hopes are going down the sink.

I'm digging deep but I keep coming up short. I've had enough and all I can say is I hope things work out. I just can't go on living and feeling this way.

I have no one to turn to. My friends can't help me find a job or figure out what direction is best to go. It's either sink or swim and it's all up to me.

Words of encouragement will have little meaning.

Everyone else is moving forward. Having babies. Getting married. Going to school.

I am just stuck and wanting to move forward.

Name Change

Greetings all,

I think I have decided to start spelling my name Pahla. I have not legally changed it to that but will be doing so because I have seen several people with different ways of spelling their name and thought that I might as well.

Purse Snatching

Greetings all,

I experienced my first purse snatching yesterday afternoon. I was not impressed. I was on my way to the bank as I just finished job searching at the library. I like to go to the library to get out of the house and use the wifi internet. I was actually sitting at a different table then where I normally sit.

At the table, a woman said she was going to watch a video and asked if that would be a problem. She wasn't talking to me because I guess the other people were closer and then the people at the table were talking with her. The other 2 people knew each other and apparently this woman was researching organ donation for her husband as he was in need of a donor. Although these people probably couldn't have helped, I thought it was sweet how the man was showing concern for her situation and encouraging her to tell people and get the word out about the situation.

I thought wow what nice people. I don't know if it's because I have introversion tendencies but I usually am quite fearful to initiate conversations with strangers (although I will speak to them if they start a conversation). I would never be like that with someone and be helpful. I'd be a bit nervous.

So I had left the library to go to the bank as I had some cheques to cash. I am maybe a 2 minute walk from the streetcar stop when I feel someone from behind me try to grab my purse. I have a hand bag for a purse. My friend makes fun of me because it has 3 compartments, 2 of which are open and the other is zippered. I like the purse because it makes me feel like a doctor. I bought that purse a couple of years ago and had a hard time finding one I liked.

I turn around and start pulling my purse away from her. I had to yell and I dragged her towards the street in hopes of getting a car involved and I eventually freed myself from her. I also was kicking at her and fought for my purse. If she had a weapon, maybe I would have not fought.

I was quite shaken up and went to the hair salon since it was the closest business and I told them what happened. Since I was still shocked, it didn't occur to me to call the cops but they told me to call the cops which I did.

One guy who was waiting at the streetcar stop gave me some information about her and where she went and I think he might have tried to follow. He had to leave for work but I asked him to give me his number and write out information for when the cops arrive.

The cops came and they were already looking for the person but didn't find her. They took me down the street where the guy told me she went down and we didn't find her.

I eventually got angry about what happened and I felt violated. This is my neighborhood and although this happened about a 10 minute walk from where I live, I don't appreciate it and I want to feel safe when I walk.

I joked to the cops though that she probably should have waited until after I went to the bank if she wanted my money, not before.

I told my friend and she thinks because I have a hand bag, it makes it an easy target to snatch so she gave me a couple of her purses (I paid some money for it) that you wear over your shoulder and hopefully that will make my purse not look so enticing to purse snatchers.

The irony of it all was I was wearing my Threadless (it's the name of an online store) shirt that said "Canada: living the American dream without all the violence since 1867".

I also read online at the site for the local police that it's best to release your purse if someone is trying to steal it to prevent injury. I think that makes sense if they have a weapon but I had fought back and succeeded. This woman was probably an inch or 2 shorter then me so I had a good chance of succeeding.

I was also surprised that my handles could withstand this because there was a lot of tugging going on. There were no damages to it either and my purse was made in China! China apparently can manufacture good products since my purse was not damaged as there were lots of tugging and pulling was going on. Yeah China!

So my day begins with being exposed to kind people showing concern to dealing with some criminal trying to steal my purse. Humans are quite strange!

Kicked out!

Greetings and salutations,

I got kicked out of my second meetup group last week. I emailed the organizer and asked why but she never got back to me. I attended 2 events so I don't know why she'd kick me out. I was thinking of leaving it anyways but I would have preferred to leave then get kicked out!

I showed up later for the last event but that was because we had dinner and I had to watch my money and didn't want to waste $20 on dinner and I am wondering if that's why. The group is for single women to hang out downtown and the organizer writes on the site that we women need to stick together! They spent probably an hour and a bit complaining about men. Maybe she could see I was getting bored and annoyed (or maybe I hide it well) during those conversations.

Most of the women were all bitching about the same thing (not all of them).
Bitching about things like:
How Men can't commit
How Men online lie about who they are
About Men who still live with their parents

This was going on as well during the first meetup and we were at a more fancy restaurant. I was riding home on the streetcar with another woman from the meetup, who was older then me, who I thought was nice. She remarked that it wasn't appropriate for them to be complaining in such an environment since other people were there wanting to enjoy themselves as well. I agreed since I found it pointless. So it seems to be a pattern going on.

I'm all for self expression and ranting because sometimes that can be productive but I don't know if that was what was going on. I felt like they weren't taking responsibility for what was going on. I mean, if a man is lying about who is online, isn't it up to you to figure that out? There obviously are men out there that need to mature and grow up before they are ready for a responsible relationship and all you can do is be aware of the men that you date and get involved with.

Since I've done some reading on relationships and, I think it needs to be acknowledged that because the genders sometimes react differently to things, there maybe some behaviours people are doing that are making it difficult for them to get someone to commit.

Anyways, we're only responsible for ourselves so why complain about the losers that are out there. We don't have to fix them!

I think all women should just accept the fact that all men are stupid and that only the smart ones realize how stupid they are (I think this applies to all humans though)! The faster you realize that, the easier it is to understand them! I just don't understand the endless complaining, it just makes them look bitter and unattractive.

Hating the 'Rents

Greetings all,

Sometimes I just don't like my parents. They are really different from me in many ways and sometimes I just don't connect with them.

Being that I am unemployed and still seriously job hunting, I get frustrated that my dad had it easier then me. He immigrated to this country when he was 23, knocked up my mother when she was 18. He managed to get a good paying job, considering he only had grade 3 education.

By the time he hit my age - 30 - he already had 3 kids and a house and a good paying job.

I don't even have that and I am not even close to having that!

I am a fucking genius who failed Mensa by 1%. I have never had a really good paying job and have had to struggle to find a good job. I want to be a comedian and here I am making nothing at this point.

I don't even have a boyfriend.

All I have is an upset uterus that wants to fuck men and have babies but I keep telling it to wait and relax.

It isn't fair! I have the will to work too so it's not like I can say I am lazy and that is why I am not having a good job.

I think my dad would collapse if he was born in another generation.

It really just boils down to luck.
And anyone that says anything about hard work is probably living in a bubble. Even if you work hard, that guarantees nothing.

I've done more and put more effort in work then he ever has but I am not even remotely ahead. He comes here to make a better life for himself but all 4 of his kids struggle to make it. They probably want us to be happy and successful but it really doesn't matter what a parent does because at the end of the day, we all will fend for ourselves.

I fucking hate you guys sometimes!

And He's Back!

Greetings all,

I had previously mentioned in my last post that there was someone I was interested in and that I would tell y'all another day. Well today is the 'another day' although technically it really is just a few hours. I did a show tonight and was in no mood to write.

Well the person that I was wondering if he was interested in me is none other then the English Muffin. I decided to send him a message back in April and we have been chatting since.

I had last written about him at the end of the year. To quickly recap I was getting all frustrated that we were just emailing each other since we started talking again. I believed I was slightly brainwashed from a relationship book I read and didn't come out directly to say that I wanted to chat on Skype.

Anyways, I figure he wasn't chasing after me because of how I abused my Facebook status updates, letting him subtly know that I was dating others because I didn't want to sit and wait around while he decides if he wants a relationship with me or not. I probably broke his sad little heart so I just messaged him back in April and asked if I upset him but apparently he decided to just ignore me since he thought I was on some mission on how he should and shouldn't talk to me.(which I could see how he would interpret that as such)

I didn't want to come off as demanding because I just find it easier to talk on Skype but like I said earlier, I was slightly brainwashed by a relationship book.

Anyways, I was still not sure if he was interested in me. I mean I know I was interested in him. He left little clues behind in his emails that made me still think he was interested but I'm a big fan of direct communication so I still had some doubts. He'd have to say 'I am still interested in you' and I think I would clearly get that message, so that's why I'd use the relationship forum.

I wonder if guys spend this much time analyzing girls because on that forum, these women spend alot of time. I enjoy analyzing but even I put a stop to it because it can get out of hand. I don't think there is anything wrong with analyzing a situation. A little bit of it can do some good and so I did ask for some opinions online since I guess I needed some feedback/assurance that I think he still was interested.

I admit to stalking him online. I mean I know he has a photo album up and I was hoping that he doesn't have something like Blog Patrol where you can see what countries are following you. I would look at them occasionally and see if he uploaded any new pictures.

It's not really stalking though, it's research!

So the other day he messages me and says he was looking at some of the pictures of when we were in Bath and asked if I wanted to come over again.

I was pleased to see that he was showing he is sappy like I am and probably was lusting at my picture much like how I would lust at his photo.

So now I plan on having 'my revenge' at the relationship forum to let the poster know that she was wrong in saying that he was interested but now he no longer was interested.

Okay I'm not really vengeful but it would be funny to post about it.

I let him know that I would like to meet him again but since I am unemployed and have to watch my money, it would be awhile but I let him know that it's his turn to visit me. I think though that since he has told me he has been thinking for the past few years that he would like to leave England for Canada, he probably should be doing more visiting then me since I know I am not willing to move to England any time soon.

And so the drama unfolds...

I Hate Online Know-it-Alls

Greetings all,

I have written back that I hate Know-it-alls but now I officially hate Online Know-it-alls.

I am guessing KIA are like this because maybe they are insecure about their intelligence or insecure in general but they are still annoying to be around.

I was on some online forum where everyone supports each other about their relationship experiences. The people are all pretty much single women and not married women giving advice.

I had explained my current situation and asked for feedback on various things and I thought most people gave good responses but one woman starts to turn on me and basically says I am not listening to the advice. I of course get angry because I am listening. It was like this person was creating a problem that wasn't there - accusing me of not listening.

And how does one determine someone is not listening? Am I going to get quizzed at the end of this message?

I am taking a few days break from these dumb asses to calm down but another person was agreeing with her. I was listening and I don't understand their problem!

First of all, most of these women desire a long term relationship but none have achieved that so there is going to be some flaw in their advice (a happily married woman probably could give better advice or not but at least one could argue these women haven't achieved their goal therefore what do they know?)

This person on the board was withholding her opinion which was basically she thought this person I was interested in was no longer interested in me (which others already thought he was interested). This person was withholding because she didn't think I was listening so there was no point in saying her opinion.

So as I write out my situation here on my blog, I can see the absurdity of this person.

I call people like that "Spiritual Growth" Nazis but I wonder if it really is applicable. I call them that because they are pushing you to grow but really it's their ego at work.

I will tell you all about this person who I think is interested in me another day (this person showed me that there still was interest just after this forum incident).

I will have to get back on the forum to let this ignoramus know she was wrong.

I think we are all entitled to our opinions even if they are contrary but why would someone act that way?

But what disturbs me more is that I let it get to me. I share my experience and make myself vulnerable, only to have someone act like they have my best interest at heart but they really don't, and only want to be perceived as the relationship expert.

In real life, I'd avoid a KIA but I like going to that board and it's difficult to avoid this KIA but I think as long as I am conscious of what is going on, then maybe this dumbass won't get to me as much.

Cops Can Be So Ignorant!

Greetings,

Today I was in my apartment, job hunting in the afternoon. There are 2 door entrances you can exit. I had to run a quick errand and went using the North door in my building to access the parking lot.

There is only one driveway to get out and as I made my way to the exit in my car, I saw a cop car blocking the driveway. If I had exited in the South door, I would have seen them and told them to move. I thought how ignorant of them to be blocking the only driveway we have to get out of here. They could have parked on the street and not have been so ignorant.

Well I honked my horn at them. I am not afraid of cops and frankly find many of them arrogant and many have an entitlement mentality. Like they think you should fear them because they have 'power'.

I do not have fear for people who abuse their power like that. I felt these cops were abusing their power by blocking the driveway. They were just sitting there for no reason.

The one cop comes out and starts giving me attitude because I honked at them. He accused me of having road rage. I didn't appreciate him overreacting to my honking. He expected that I get out of my car and tell them politely.

That is BS!

The cop shouldn't have taken my honking personally but as a common signal from one driver to another, to get out of the way.

I took down his name and he gave me his badge #. His attitude already put me in defensive mode. This is my territory and they were in the way for no legitimate reason only because they were too lazy to park on the street.

I also didn't appreciate him saying I have road rage because I am actually a calm and laid back driver.

He proceeded to tell me that a man fell out of the window (there are only 3 stories and a basement in my building) and that there were ambulances. I didn't hear any sort of that nonesense going on and either that person attempted suicide or he was 'pushed' out because this building has no balconies. He clearly was trying to guilt trip me and make me feel bad but doing that kind of psychological abuse doesn't usually work on me.

If there an ambulance blocking the driveway, I probably would have not honked because ambulances usually don't have this power mentality that I find cops tend to have and usually they are busy working and not taking the easy way like these cops were doing as they clearly could have been parked on the street. Their job did not require that they block this driveway.

I will complain to the police department about the arrogance of this cop because his partner yelled at me as well for honking. Talk about childish! Afraid of a civilian honking their horn? (personally I think cops like this are weak on the inside and only gravitate towards jobs like this so they automatically get this feeling of power and authority... people with real power are humble and do not feel the need to act tough to intimidate people, which I find many cops try to do)

I came back to my apartment after an hour and a half and these lazy jerks were still blocking the driveway. Clearly there was no need for them to be doing so, so it just proves that they were being lazy asses in the first place and they were just giving me attitude because I called them out on their laziness.

Where's the Work?

Greetings all,

I am still looking for a job and managed to have an interview last week. I don't know if I got the job so I am still looking. Where is the work? My Employment Insurance is running out in 2 weeks and I am getting desperate for work!

I hope something comes up soon as I may have to temp until I find a permanent job.

Yes I am in Love with Stewart Griffin

Greetings and Salutations,

I do not have cable and so I don't get to watch The Family Guy too often. I will usually check out an episode on my friend's tv when visiting (no I do go visit my friend because I like her not just to watch her tv).

But let me confess that there is something about Stewart that just makes me want to have his baby. Something about him just turns me on.

I found out that his character is gay, but that doesn't stop the love that I feel for him. He is the first gay person I actually desire romantically. You know how there are chicks out there who are just so darn drawn to gay men. I was never like that.

But now I am.

I think what makes me want him is his desire for World Domination. That is something I desire as well. Me and Stewie think alike and maybe that is why I love him and desire him so.

I know if Stewart and I were to hook up, it would be wrong because he is under age and that would be criminal. The fact that he is animated... well I think we could work around that.

But I would wait for Stewart. Mind you, I'd have something on the side and when he becomes a full adult, I would try to persuade him. I don't know if I'd be successful but I'd at least give it a whirl!

I just want to hold you and love you Stewart. Make love to you and tell you all my secret fears and my desires for World Denomination. And then we can eat ice cream with sprinkles - together.


Wouldn't we make a good couple?

Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

Greetings all,

I have always thought this expression was total bullshit and I still do. For some reason I cannot accept it. Things do happen but sometimes it is just random. I may have experienced a few serendipitous moments in my life but when things don't work out, I don't feel the need to constantly just say, everything happens for a reason.

Why do people always need to find some catchy expression to make sense of what goes on in their life? I mean, I guess for most people, it is a form of delusion. For me, I think I am comfortable accepting things as they are and instead of falsely comforting myself with trite expressions like 'everything happens for a reason', I just think 'whatever' or 'c'est la vie'.

What annoys me too is it gives people the license to just stay passive. I understand in life that we can't always press upon the universe for certain things when we want them - maybe they will occur at another time - but I also believe in being persistent and there is a fine line between being persistent and forcing things.

Sometimes I think people just say that as a way of giving up. Sometimes I find it justified but most of the times I don't.

For example, I had an appointment with someone and I had to cancel it due to a snowstorm. Does it make sense to say that this happened for a reason? It just happened and it was probably best for me to not venture out into the snow unless I had to. It just happened and common sense would dictate not to do anything that was potentially risky (i.e. driving during a snow storm for a non essential task). Why attribute meaning to a meaningless event? Who knows, maybe I missed out on something profound but no one will ever know.

* * *
I keep a blog because I like to express myself through writing. I am actually a little disappointed to learn that someone was reading my blog, not to hear my opinion and to read about what is going on in my life, but was only interested in satisfying their insecurity and was 'spying' on me, so to speak.

All I can say is that this person had a professional relationship to me and crossed the line and thus showed their own unprofessionalism.

If you run a business, then there may be people out there who do not appreciate or respect your services/work and that is their right. It is rather unprofessional to stalk them online and try to convince them otherwise that their business is sound and gets positive reviews.

I have blog patrol for a reason!

Life in the Big City

Greetings all,

Well I have been here in Toronto for just over a month and I think I am settling in well. I am looking for work still and hopefully something will come up soon.

I will be taking a workshop on doing a one person show so maybe that is a possible route for me to go. I just have so many comedy ideas and am trying new stuff that I am not sure which direction to go. It's just so hard being a comic genius!

I have managed to get over my fear of riding the TTC streetcar. For some reason I just was scared to get on it but one day I got over it and took it down to the Eaton Center so that I can indulge myself in Pretzel Maker goodness!

I managed to take my parents to the CN Tower on Monday as my dad has never been there and he has lived in this country for 42 years!

I haven't done too much sight seeing yet and I have 4 months to do touristy type activities. I have to be in a certain mood to do tourist stuff and frankly I am not there yet. There are some museums and other things I would like to see during the summer.

I haven't gone clubbing yet although I think I have been to a dance club here once a while ago.

I still think Barcelona is my favourite Big City. I have been to Vancouver, Toronto, Chicago, Paris, London and Barcelona but I think I liked the vibe of Barcelona the best.