I'm actually going to highlight that which I think is true about me. I have been labelled as a lizard. I like lizards as I think they are cute and I also appreciate their tongue skills.

Maya * Aztec Astrology Report

Introduction - The Astrology of Time
The ancient Maya and Aztec astrologers studied the mysterious influence of the rhythms of the sky on earthly life. Everyone knows the Sun rises and sets every day -- this is the basic rhythm of life around which we set our clocks and calendars. What the ancient astrologers discovered was that other time cycles existed that were multiples of this basic day cycle. This fact was discovered about 100 years ago in Europe and these cycles (there are many of them) are now called biorhythms.

The most important time cycles in ancient Mayan and Aztec astrology are those of the day, 9-days, 13-days, and 20-days. Additionally, years are counted also, in groups of 4 and 13. Each day is then part of several other cycles, so no two days are exactly the same. Your Maya/Aztec horoscope below shows exactly where in each of the cycles you were born. Each category below examines a specific cycle and a specific aspect of your personality. Keep in mind that our personalities are complex and contain many contradictions. All of us present a different "face" depending on who we meet. The delineations below will reflect this, but they will also give you a clear picture of who you really are. The true value of astrology lies in self-knowledge, the first step to wisdom.

Your Most Personal Traits -- The Day-Sign of Your Birth
Here are your strongest and most obvious personality traits. The delineation below describes who you are and how you appear to others, at least on the surface. In Aztec astrology this part of is your horoscope is your Tonalli, or Day-Sign, the form bestowed upon you by the Sun.

Lizard: You are a true individual. You compromise only under extreme pressure, and then resent it if you have to. You often attract attention by being different, but this action often meets your "performance needs." More often, you are simply too involved in your own interests to even care what other people think about you.

Because you have a strong desire to appear before the public in some way, it is highly likely that you do work that is creative or performance oriented, and you are probably very competent, possibly outstanding, at what you do. Your standards are always high and you are probably an influential force in your world. You have natural leadership instincts and are not hesitant to take charge of situations when necessary. Others respect your competence and will follow your lead.

You do not tolerate superficiality. You take your interests very seriously, these often being "heavy" subjects like science, philosophy, religion and metaphysics. You are a powerful thinker and you are not easily swayed by argument. It is this mental determination that allows you to accomplish as much as you do. Down deep, you are very serious about your life.

In relationship matters, sexuality is a major issue for you. You are probably a highly sexed individual who needs to have an outlet for all that primal energy roaring within you. Many Lizard personalities channel this energy into work, music, ritual or other rhythmic and artistic projects. You may need to find a balance between overt sexual aggressiveness, which can lead to unstable and controversial relationship patterns, and sexual repression, which can cause just as much damage.

Like lizards, which perch on rocks or branches waiting for their meals to come to them, you may often appear on the surface to be lazy. But in reality, you are a passive stalker who works in full public view. You are quick to react to opportunities and make contacts with the right people and this allows you to move upward socially without offending many people.

Your Deeper Self -- The 13-Day Week of Your Birth
Each of us reacts to the world around us in different ways. Our reactions are mostly unconscious; they represent what our deeper self needs. Our reactions both attract and repel us from things, people, and situations. What we like, what we like to do, and who we really are is shown by the 13-day week called the Trecena that we were born under. Each of these periods begins with the number 1 and the name of the day-sign that starts it. A number is attached to your position within the 13-day period that may be an important number for you.

This is the tenth day of the 13-day period beginning with 1-Eagle. Beneath your surface personality you are a person with powerful faculties of discrimination. You really know the differences between things and also know how to express them. You may also be outstanding at articulating your feelings and emotions, or at least focusing them through a creative or artistic project. You are also probably somewhat pyschic and may find that your unconscious is your best friend, once you know how to listen to it. Freedom and independence is a major issue for you. You resist working for others and often become involved in self-employment that is creative or artistic. You are also probably quite fussy and tech-minded.

Try your sample Maya Aztec Reading

Pure Nerd 86 % Nerd, 17% Geek, 26% Dork For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd. The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful. Congratulations! THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

The Liberated Lover 68% partner focus, 61% aggressiveness, 65% adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that: You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own. This places you in the Lover Style of: The Liberated Lover. The Liberated Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and forms the kind of free-thinking, sexually-exciting, self-confident lover that society once condemned but that a liberal-mind cherishes and exults. The Liberated Lover is a treasure to find, though it can sometimes be difficult to do so because they are often already engaged in relationships or are in high-demand if "in the market." In terms of physical love, the Liberated Lover is possibly the most thrilling and demanding of all, with the one potential drawback being that it is possible to feel 'overmatched' at times by their prowess and selfless giving. Given trust and understanding, and the right lover, the Liberated Lover can be a delight in bed. Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Exotic Lover (most of all) or the Carnal Lover, or the Suave Lover. THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST

The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test

the Asserter Thanks for taking the test !

you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger"). "I must be strong" Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective. How to Get Along with Me Stand up for yourself... and me. Be confident, strong, and direct. Don't gossip about me or betray my trust. Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side. Give me space to be alone. Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me. I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack. When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am. What I Like About Being a Eight being independent and self-reliant being able to take charge and meet challenges head on being courageous, straightforward, and honest getting all the enjoyment I can out of life supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me upholding just causes What's Hard About Being a Eight overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to being restless and impatient with others' incompetence sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it never forgetting injuries or injustices putting too much pressure on myself getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right Eights as Children Often are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit are sometimes loners seize control so they won't be controlled fugure out others' weaknesses attack verbally or physically when provoked take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings Eights as Parents are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted are sometimes overprotective can be demanding, controlling, and rigid Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele The Enneagram Made Easy Discover the 9 Types of People Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages You liked the test? so please don't forget to RATE it... but remember! it had only two questions!!! ;-) you wanna know MORE? so check out, what Google found about your type... Take The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test

Confessions from my mind

Okay, I have come to a point now in my life where I have to admit that I think too much. I know I thought alot about why I think too much or how can I think less so that I don't have to think too much. I thought about how much thinking do I really need to do in my life.

Ugh, yes I admit. I have a problem thinking too much. I think over the years I am getting better at it by being more of a doer and feeler rather then just a thinker. I'm not so much in my head. I know I am stubborn. I hate how it makes my life unneccessarily difficult.

Yes I am getting better at being more superficial.

When people ask how you're doing, you don't need to give them the truth of how you are feeling. You just answer fine. It's just a way to exchange social pleasantriness.

I have been lusting for another guy at work these past few weeks and again I have realized I am thinking too much about the situation. I one day said hello. It seemed so easy. The fear in my mind has been dissolving. My perception of things change when I start to deal with my emotional state. What is reality?

This guy I usually would see at my lunch which I would take at around 12.45 but now he has lunch at a different time from noon to 12.30. I have been planning how I can run into him at lunch and the only way I'd be able to do it was if I caught him 2 minutes before he finishes. I thought that I didn't really need to have lunch the entire time he was, I just need a minute or two to say hello and perhaps ask how his day was going. He started his shift 2 hours earlier then I did as I start at 10 am and so eating at noon would be too early. But I also couldn't do this everyday otherwise he might think it was weird. I would think how he would think about what a coincedence that now I am eating at the same time he does. I was trying to think about the situation from his perspective. I would think how he would probably think I was creepy if I were doing that so I'd have to execute my plan a maximum of 2 days of the week.

Then on Friday he was on my floor, no longer on the upstairs floor. Does he notice me? I am looking at him as he walks by but I don't think he notices me. I kinda thought he likes me but then maybe now I don't. Is he aware of where my desk is? Does he notice the stuff on my desk. You know you can gather information about people by observing what's on their desk.

So I think too much about this guy and how can I tell if he likes me. I wrestle with myself. Why am I thinkig this. Does he even think half of what you think? Ask him out. Too bold for you? Talk to him. Converse with him. These things aren't too hard.

I am thinking too much.

I can stop.

And I did. I just said that's enough mind. I know it's difficult to ask out someone from work. Let's not overanalyze the situation.

There have been times in my life that I wish I was dumber. Having an analytical mind such as the one I possess is a mighty force to possess and it takes great skill and patience to tame this beast. It can be my best friend or my worst enemy. It will create inaccurate perceptions skewing my sense of reality or it will give me the most pristine and brilliant thoughts.

My mind will lead me either to my great demise or to great success.
It will either push me to ask questions that have not been asked and send me to new conceptual realms or it will send me to this dark abyss where I keep cycling the same thoughts over and over.

I am not alone. This is something many humans go through.

Merry Christmas

Belated Merry Christmas everyone!

Did nothing terribly exciting for Christmas. I personally do not celebrate Christmas as it is a religious holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus. Y'all remember Jesus don't you? He's the whole reason why malls were invented and why we desperately need to spend our money on our loved ones and surprise them with gifts they may or may not like. It's all to atone for our sins. Shopping frantically the week before or even shopping a month in advance is what will make Baby Jesus happy.

I wonder what were Jesus' first words?
Virgin mama?
*
I was watching Oprah's Christmas special for about 15 minutes. It showed what she and her staff did last year for Christmas. They gave children from various regions of South Africa gifts. They gave them a back pack with school supplies, black dolls for the girls, balls for the boys and runners. I thought it was nice but I kept thinking where were the gifts made from? Underpaid children in China?

I should hope not. It seems a bit foolish to want to help make people feel special by getting them stuff that comes from people who do not receive a living wage.

Kudos anyways.
*
I get an extra day off work tomorrow which is nice. I like not working. I did some Steiner reading and have almost finished his book entitled Colour. I got a few weeks ago several martial arts dvd, one being a qigong dvd, the other a kung fu and the other is called water boxing or Liu He Ba Fa, which is an internal martial art. I began practising the water boxing form the other day. It's 9 minutes but it more complicated to learn then the qigong dvds I have because you are moving in more directions. I always find myself a bit overwhelmed when learning these things but I always have to remind myself to break down the task into smaller pieces.

*
I decided to go to the mall today to check out what it is like. I normally don't go shopping at boxing day. The mall I went to was crazy busy. I went with my mother and we might have been there for 2 hours. All the stores we went that had clothes my mom liked didn't have much people whereas the ones I liked had an abudance of teenagers. We went out of this one store and there was just a row of men who were standing outside waiting for their women to be done.

Shopping isn't really fun for me. Over the past few years going to the mall or looking for things to buy was pure drugery. I spend more time looking at things that I do not care for. I'd rather just go in, buy what I need and get out.

The only good thing I got out of going to the mall was realizing that I have the things I need and that there was nothing there I particularly cared for.

But I really would have liked to find a matching baby blue hat and scarf set.
And a sweater.

*
I have already made out my goals for 2007. I have 3 major ones and one of them is to move out. I can move out now and rent but I am interested in owning a condo. I have my budget all set up and have been pre-approved for a mortgage over a month ago. I have my 5% down payment. I am looking to move out to Burlington or Mississauga as I hate Hamilton. I'm just not feeling this city anymore. I think it sucks and there are many low lifes in the core.

I have no idea what to expect for next year but damn it I'm going to make my goals happen. It's time I grow up and make my mark and give the universe one good cosmic bitch slap and declare my material desires and ambitions.

I am in LOVE!

Greetings and Salutations Children of a drunken g-d,

I am in love. My parents bought a canary and he is flaming orange. I get to name him. He has a name but it's not clear to me yet what it is. I know a name will come to me soon. We used to own canaries. We had 2 males (at different times) years ago and they were both yellow. This one is so cute. I looked at him today and he was actually acting shy around me. He would turn his head slightly down and to the side.

Adorable, adorable, adorable.

I just want to open the cage, grab him and squeeze him and kiss him. He is just so cute!

My dad is retired and so thought getting canaries would be a good hobby for him. He wanted to get a female but was told that if you get the female with the male, the male won't sing. So my parents decided to go the selfish route and decided to just get the male so that it would sing.

When we had our second canary, we ended up getting a female months later. They are supposed to be gradually introduced i.e. not to share the same cage right away. We did that and the female (Rosie) laid eggs. The male (Bobby) destroyed them and Rosie began attacking and fighting with Bobby and we had to separate them.

I think it is quite sad that the male will only sing when alone. These animals get to be creative but only in solitude. Their only companions are the human hands that feed them. They experience loneliness for our enjoyment.

Oh the plight of the lone canary.

The pet store also has a 30 day policy. If he doesn't sing, we have 30 days to return. He has done some chirping but nothing spectacular. Our previous canaries weren't shy and were singing right away.

Here is a picture of my new love.

My seduction style

Sick greetings

Word up my peeps,

Today I woke up sick. I thought I was just getting lazy because I did nothing yesterday but it turned out my throat is not doing well. I'm feeling a bit better now. I'm strong enough to hurl insults but not for a sustained period.

*
I've given up on my crush at work. I never see him. So now I have no one to lust for in my life. It makes for a meaningless existence when you can't go beyond your own little world. I can only self-lust and proclaim my hottness and desirability for so long. I'm bored with thinking about myself and I'm too lazy to be more altruistic. I want to direct my lust to someone else. It's not fair!

*
I got one of the most depressing Christmas e-greeting from someone who used to be in my Steiner book group. She's moved back to Germany and sent an e-update about her life. She was preggo when she left Canada and she sent pictures after her son was born. In this e-update she talked about how she got sick a lot only to discover that she had mono. She went on how she misses Canada. I like the woman. I didn't know her well but she seemed like a chipper woman.

Maybe she doesn't realize that you can bullshit when you send these updates. Or at least put a positive spin on the negative like any reliable news source would.

Banana Nanna

Greetings and Salutations Children of a Non-Existent G-d,

Normally I will have a banana at lunch when I am at work. I don't eat bananas on the weekend, usually just at work. I also use a knife to cut open my banana as many times there are parts of the banana that are a bit mushy so the knife comes in handy. It's become a habit for me to analyze and dissect my banana. I won't even eat that stringy peel part that's on the banana. I don't know what the correct term but the consensus at work (yes I've had to ask a few people if they know what the correct term is. Clearly none of us are banana experts.) is that they are the fibers of the banana.

I won't even eat the fibers of the banana and will pick away at it. I like to use the knife to lift it up just enough so that I can pull it off with my fingers.

I've had someone comment to me last year when I was at work (not where I am currently working but some other company) enjoying my lunch about how I eat my banana. I guess they never saw anyone use a knife. They weren't being rude or anything but that day I lost my innocence about using my knife. I didn't think using a knife to open a banana was such a big deal. That day was the day I realized that most people don't use knives.

That day I realized that the way I ate my banana was different from how everyone else ate their bananas.

Last month at work I was eating my banana. There were 2 new guys in the lunch room. I was using my knife to cut open my banana and had to cut off the mushy parts. As I was eating, I noticed one of the guys was looking at me. I looked at him. Neither of us said a word. At first I thought he was looking at me because I'm hot but then I began thinking how he probably thought it was weird that I used a knife on my banana.

So today I thought I'd break out of my comfort zone with always using a knife. I went without one. It felt awkward. I felt like I had slid down the evolutionary chain. I no longer was superior to animals. I became one of them. I had to struggle to rip open the banana. There was a brown spot on the banana and all I could do was pick at it with my finger. The tip of the banana was mushy.

I lost my humanity today but tomorrow I will gain it back.
Tomorrow I will use a knife.

Gettin' Older

Greeting and Salutations Humanized hemoglobinites,

I went shopping with my mother this weekend for a new coat as that will be my present for Christmas from them. On the way to the store, my mother asked me when I was going to get married. She has not asked me this question before. I will be 28 next January and so I guess this is one of the markers that I am getting old. I also don't have a boyfriend. She thinks I should get married by 30. She believes that if I don't get married when I am young, it will be difficult for me to get along with someone.

I don't really like the term marriage. I have many negative associations with that word. Associations such as slavery, lack of freedom, being controlled, conforming to society and losing your individuality.
I do however want someone with whom I can spend many many years with. Someone who is funny and intelligent and understands my weirdness. I have many things in my life to entertain me and I'm not going to stress like many other single ladies about how they 'need to get married'.

I think my mother also expects me to get married in a church but I certainly would not do that. I do not like organized religion and certainly want to have as minimal contact with religion as possible.

* * *
I seem to have this addiction to gum. I will eat several gums throughout the day at work. I'm also a swallower of gum. So I might have a bunch of gum in the span of 10 minutes. I remember watching some tv show when I was kid that debunked the myth that gum stays in your body for 7 years. So ever since that time, I freely would swallow my gum because I knew that it would get digested.

* * *
I had an interesting conversation with some people last week about sex. These people are in relationships and have gone several weeks without getting some. I have a friend who helps me. So I get it regularly. I'll get it 3-4 times a month. On average I'll get it every week or once every 10 days. Now I am not here to judge these people's sexual activity. I am bringing this up because every once in a while there will be in the news the average number of times people have sex in a week. I've heard the national average being 2-3 times a week. So here I am thinking I am below the national average. How accurate are these stats? I am sure that many people lie about their sex lives.

Who is having all this sex?

Deal or No Deal

Greetings and Salutations,

I was watching last night Deal or No Deal and I'll occasionally watch it with my parents. Now many of the contestants have a strategy for picking cases. One of them is to pick a case that has some sentimental value to them. For those who don't follow the show, there is a million dollars in one case. You get to choose one case which is yours. During the game, you want to pick out anything low and leave the million dollar case in play(this is assuming that your case isn't the million and the odds are you probably do not have a million in your case). There are several high values ranging from 100,000 to 750,000 followed by low amounts such as 1 cent, $5 or $1000.

This is what I don't understand about this particular strategy. People are seeking to get rid of the lower value cases and they do so by choosing numbers that mean something to them. For example, I was born on the 13th so I might pick case 13 hoping that it is a low dollar value. Wouldn't it make more sense to pick numbers that I didn't like or had a negative association? For example, my grandfather died on the 28th, so I'll go with case 28. Or I dumped the love of my life on May 4th so let's open up case number 4.

This whole idea of picking cases that have some positive association seems rather counter intuitive to me.

* * *
My informant has informed me that my crush has been absent due to possible strep throat. I have forgotten what he looks like. If I do not see someone, usually if I have feelings for them or am irritated by them, I usually forget my feelings unless I see them and they are around me and then I seem to remember my feelings towards them. That's true to some degree as some people from my past haunt me even though I do not see them and haven't heard from them in years. I think every encounter we have with someone leaves some imprint on your soul, whether you are aware of it or not and whether it was positive or negative.

Um... another warning

Ok I'm going to give some background information on what led me to state my previous entry. So again I will have to warn you this could get a little too much for the timid.







Alright folks, what led me to this profound observation that I cannot chew food and trim my pubic hairs at the same time? Well I was in a rush one evening and had to quickly finish my hamburger. I was in a rush because I was going to get me some sex. I hadn't done my maintenance work in about 2 weeks I think and I wanted to be presentable to my sex partner. That's right, I am a considerate and kind sex partner. References are available upon request.

Now there are many ways one can maintain their pubic hairs. Someone I know had laser done on them to permanently remove them. Or you can get them waxed, shave them or trim them with scissors. I have chosen the method of trimming with scissors as shaving makes you rather itchy and waxing is too painful.

I figured that I would be able to eat and do my maintenance at the same time but I was shocked that I had some difficulty coordinating these 2 simple activities. It begs me to ask, how can chewing affect my ability to trim my pubic hairs? Let's look at the task of chewing. It is a simple act of moving your mouth around. One can do many tasks and chew at the same time. I can read and chew. I can dance and chew but I cannot seem to seamlessly chew and trim. I believe this is because trimming pubic hairs requires you to pay a bit more attention to what you are doing. You are handling scissors and you do not accidently want to cut yourself.

I think this observation would be helpful to those scientists who study the brain and how various activities stimulate the various parts of our brains. One of my dreams is to be able to make a contribution to science and I hope that perhaps this observation can be used to further advance humanity in brain research.

Um warning...

Seriously I am warning you. I will be making a crude statement about pubic hairs and food. Seriously if you don't want to read what I just discovered... just ignore this post. See I thought I'd share this thought because it could potentially be used by science. Perhaps it can help unlock the mysteries of the brain or help us to learn more about the various centres of the brain. Anyways, this is my perverted contribution to science.




I just discovered that I can't trim my pubic hairs and chew food at the same time.

Vote

Greetings and Salutations fellow future worm food beings,

Today we are having a municipal election so all those who are in Canada, VOTE or give up your right to complain. I know that many people mistrust the government but we all as members of a democratic society must exercise this right. We become too complacent in life. Living in a democratic society requires that we as individuals become more responsible about what goes on. Voting rights weren't given to women until the 1920s. Let us not forget that there are people that fought damn hard for what we now think is a complete waste of time. Voting only takes a few minutes of your time.

Do it.

* * *
Many of my loyal readers may have noticed that my last few entries all have one theme in common, that is: my need to get a man and get laid more.

I may or may not have been so direct about my needs but my excessive discussion of sex is simply because I am a lonely and intensely horny woman. I seek companionship. I am a picky woman as well and so it makes for the process of mate selection a much more gruelling process.

So folks, I know how y'all like hearing me talk deep thoughts on spirituality, the meaning of life and about how wonderful I am, but those will all be brushed aside with my lusty thoughts on sexuality. It will continue until I find a new man. I will have y'all know that finding a man is not one of my only priorities in life. I do have a life and many things that entertain my mind.

Tropical Blowjobs

I went to my cousin's baptism dinner for his son a couple of weeks ago. In a previous entry I wondered why he would do so, etc etc. I will have you all know that although I may not agree with how people run their life, I usually like to be nice and civilized towards them, unless of course they are doing something evil. I am a proponent of free will.

Anyways, my cousin emailed me some pictures that he took from the baptism. One of them was of my twin brothers and me. I decided not to smile. I wasn't angry, it was a neutral pose. I was surprised by my hotness in the photo. I haven't figured out how to smile and not look goofy on camera because usually when I do smile - it's goofy looking. I was also surprised by the fact that in that photo, I looked...normal. Wow! I never look normal in photos.

From now on no more smiling in pictures!

* * *
I ended up having a flat fire on my way home from work. I thought there was something wrong with the tires and I had to pull over a couple of times but couldn't see the problem. Someone honked at me to inform me I had a flat tire. There was alot of traffic on the road so I ended up going really slow anyways. I pulled over at the mall which normally is a 5 minute drive and that was when the flat tire was visible. I had to call CAA and they were there quickly. I'm not really into cars but I figure I should learn how to fix a flat tire. I had a tire go flat about 2 years ago during a really bad snow storm and luckily someone choose to help me out since I was on the highway with no cell phone. It looks fairly simple to do. The CAA guy had some simple looking jack that looked stable and I asked where I could find something like that. Princess Auto or Crappy Tire (he didn't call it Crappy Tire, that's just what I called it). So I think I'll do that. I liked that jack. It looked simple to use.

* * *
I am beginning to think my informant at work is starting to have a crush on me. My crush at work seems to be sick as the past 2 weeks his schedule states he is absent but now it says for next week he is off. Perhaps my informant has injured him physically in an attempt to divert my lusty feelings for my crush towards my informant. My informant has probably realized that I am easily distracted at times and so has gotten rid of all competition in an attempt to win me over.

This will never work. So many men lust and desire me. I am almost the perfect woman. I have the innocence of a child and the sex drive of an whore, but not one who's into crack, but a whore who is into nature and trees. A tree-huggin' whore if you will. Yes I have the innocence of a child and the sex drive of a tree-huggin' whore.

Every day I always think some man desires me. Some man at work or some man on the street. Every day. I will think 'this person wants me'. I'm either arrogant or delusional. I like to think I'm arrogant because they haven't developed medication for arrogance.

Or maybe I just think about lust and sex too much. I probably lust for men almost as much as I think they lust for me. Perhaps all my thinking about how men desire me is really all about how much I desire them.

Damn it everything always seems to come back to projection...

* * *
I have finished last week reading Steiner's Broken Vessels. I liked that book. I will start reading this weekend his book on Colour. It is based on Goethe's Theory of Colour.

I have a laptop that has wireless internet but I currently use a dialup service. I can't make a connection in my room to any available outlets, or whatever the technical term is, however I can get wireless in my living room or upstairs, directly above my living room. Dial up sucks but I am not willing to paying $20-30 for cable because I think it is overpriced. So when I was using the wireless, I was able to download pictures and connect to sites instantly. It was most awesome.

* * *
I have not seen my current crush at work for the past 2 weeks. He was away for a couple of days about 3 weeks ago so I am wondering what is going on with him since I do not know. My informant has not provided me with any information to help me assess this situation. Has he been let go or quit or did he pick up my psychic lust vibes and was overwhelmed by the sheer strength of my awe inspiring lust, which frightened him - in a good way - and this has caused him to become so ill that he needed a few weeks to recuperate. Yes that's right. My lust is so powerful it will make you sick if you are not man enough to handle it. Fear the wrath of my unrelenting vagina!

* * *
Since I have not been able to successfully lust after anyone, where were my lust energy go? Where will this potent force travel? If I direct to myself, it will cause me to self implode. What is this sexy beast to do?

What level of divine power do you have?

You are one the Chosen. one of the few privileged mortals that gods can work through.
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Well I am glad now that this quiz has confirmed what the voice in my head has always been saying... sigh... the pressure...

Baptism

I am going to attend this family dinner this Sunday to celebrate my cousin's new baby getting baptized. My mother - a regular church goer - helped them arrange the baptism at her Catholic church and fill out the required papers and make the appointment for the baptism. My mother did this a few weeks ago and it sparked this huge argument.

First of all, I like my cousin and do not know why they are baptizing their new son. The mother is Anglican and my cousin and his parents (i.e. my aunt and uncle) are not religious, church going people. They all have been baptized and did the Confirmation thing. Confirmation is done at 14 and it is basically like baptism except without all the water. You 'consciously' choose to be Catholic when you do this sacrament.

My mother telling me that she was helping them get a baptism arranged triggered a great deal of anger in me. I didn't know why they would want to get the son baptized. My cousin is the creative artsy type, sort of like me and it didn't make sense that they would want to baptize their son. Creative arsty people usually don't believe in religion, especially one that is archaeic in its views.

I somehow got angry at my mother after she told me this. I started getting angry about why they would want to do this and then this somehow led us to how my mother would force me to go to church when I was younger. She would always force me to go to church even though I didn't want to. Around 13 and 14, I started questioning life and the whole idea of church just didn't make sense. And it was boring. By 14 and 15, I would get angry every Sunday and strongly protest how I didn't want to go. She wouldn't listen to what I had to say and she said I had to go because that's what you are supposed to do. I told my mother during this argument that what she did to me was spiritual rape. They were strong words but that's what she did to me whether she wants to accept it or not. You don't force your spiritual/relgious beliefs onto anyone. You don't make them do spiritual/religious practices that they do not agree with.

My dad was also present and he has the same mentality as my mother. He thinks religion is great but I've heard too many horrible history stories to respect any religious institute. The stupidiest thing he said that night was "Religion gives you freedom". Wow, that quote is dumb enough to be a Bush quote! I could have ranted on about how religion is the complete antithesis of that statement. Religion has never given people freedom. Religion takes away people's freedom. It is people who have to fight for freedom from religion.

Finally I felt that my cousin may potentially be acting like a hypocrite. Religion is something that you practice. Each religion is different. Catholicism has certain requirements and going to church on a regular basis, as far as I understand, is part of being Catholic. I don't know if he plans on going to church because he can start going. If that is the case, then he wouldn't be a hypocrite.

As far as I am concerned, if you plan on making your child join a religion, then you have to be a good role model and practice your religion the way that the religion dictates that it should be practiced. A Catholic isn't a Catholic because they are baptized. It takes time and some effort to practice this religion. A musician isn't a musician just because they have an instrument. They practice. A tennis player isn't one because they've taken a few lessons. They practice.

Although I despise religion, if you are going to have a religion, then you better make sure you are going to give it the proper attention and committment, otherwise there is no point in joining.

My mother also 'counter argued' that I should go to church because I got Confirmed. Frankly, I think the Church sets the age for it too low. I had my doubts about Confirmation and wasn't even sure I wanted to do it. There were only 1 or 2 people who didn't do it because I think they weren't Catholics. Everyone else in my class was doing it and so I just went along with what everyone else was doing. I was 14. How many 14 year olds have enough courage to go against the crowd? If Confirmation was to be done at 16, I probably would have not done it because by that age I had enough courage to go against the crowd and do what I thought was right for myself. It looks like the church knows how to guilt and manipulate people and get them 'in' at the right age.

Dangerously Deprived

Greetings and Salutations Wondering Heathens,

I now have an informant at work who knows about my blog. We have mutually agreed to exchange blog addresses. I'm a bit of an internet exhibitionist but I was selective about whom I would share this information. To my fellow coworker: You are a chosen one! Honor this privilege and humbly go forward.

In a previous entry, I wrote about a guy at work whom I was not sure if I should lust for him. He had some pros and cons. My informant has figured out who this person is. Neither of us know his status (i.e. if he's got a woman). I don't think he has a woman. That would be a pro. A con if one of your hobbies is being a homewrecker.

I was lusting for him sexually last night. I had trouble sleeping last night. Normally I don't like to fantasize about guys. When I was shy and afraid of boys in elementary and high school, I would constantly imagine myself with the guy that I had a crush on. I would have a crush on someone in high school for a whole year and not do anything about it. As I have grown and evolved, I have increased my confidence with the opposite sex. I like to make my thoughts reality instead of just day dreaming about.

Okay so I spent some time thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him. I also wondered about his own sexual history. A lot of people don't seem sexual or sensual. I can understand at work that people aren't going to be sexual/sensual but usually you can tell if someone has that aspect to them. But some people seem a little reserved and I always wonder if they have a sexual/sensual side to them. He seems like he is a little reserved. He's a bit of a geek/nerd and he possibly looks like someone who may have had 1-2 girlfriends in his entire life.

I should hope that he is good in bed. I no longer am taking on any young male prodigies to teach them the way of the vagina and clitoris. Students are in my past and I only seek experienced professionals.

But I must confess. I have regressed. I do wonder if he likes me. I do wonder if should ask him out but I am too chicken. I don't talk to him much and perhaps if I did, it might be easier. You would think being a young and attractive and arrogant woman would make it easier for me to make a move

My one friend thinks I should just ask him out for coffee. I have been known to ask guys out and be successful at getting a yes. But the thought of asking him out seems terrifying. I think the world needs to know that sometimes pretty chicks like me are scared to ask out people too.

* * *
I think I'm going to be buying myself a condo. I've been looking online and I'm thinking in the next 6 months I should find something. I've already worked out a budget and I think I would like a 2 bedroom so I can have a roommate. I am not 100% sure on the roommate idea but I am leaning towards having one since I like people to some degree.

* * *
I went to get laser done on my legs and bikini on Saturday. It was my fourth session and every time I've gone, I've had a different woman. I make sure that I wear this certain underwear that I have. It's appropriate for when you have to just be in your underwear around some woman who will be torching your bikini and leg hairs. The first time I went, I had to think about which one of my underwears is most suitable for this. You can't wear thongs because it's just not socially appropriate for these people who are providing this service, to see your ass. I know I have an awesome and perky ass, but I have enough social grace not to flaunt that in situations such as getting laser done.

I had other sexy underwear that weren't thongs but again I did not feel it would be appropriate to wear. So I have this simple maroon underwear. It's a few years old but still does the job. Because it's a dark colour, it also does not expose my pubes, because we all know that if you wear light colour underwear, your pubes are visible.

I also find being alone with the person who is giving the laser treatment a little ackward. I try and make conversation so that I feel more relaxed. I think however, that they should have been more initiators in conversation. The woman yesterday asked me about my hobbies. With the other ladies I had, I usually was the one asking questions about what were their hobbies, so it was nice that she had some initiative.

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I don't even like Winnie the Pooh. I never watched it. I was just reading someone else's blog and decided to take this quiz.

Tacticidal Maniac

Well my parents have returned from their pilgrimmage in Italy. They came back Thursday at 5 pm. I asked for a top. Last year when they went, my mother brought back a nice top and so I wanted another nice top. I didn't get that. I just got a pack of gum and some necklace. It was fake silver I believe. I prefer having authentic jewelry. So I'm thinking I should print up a shirt that says, "My parents went to Italy and all I got was this pack of gum".

My brother didn't call for the second half of the week. The asshole had the nerve to ask me for money and when I asked why, he gave me some lame ass reason, something about him having trouble accessing his account (I have forgotten his exact words) at the bank machine. I know he's lying. I am usually good at telling when people lie. I wonder if there is any science supporting the science of lying. When I observe people lying, I can usually tell in 2 ways. One way is that if you probe and ask questions, you start realizing that there are holes in their story. It is not logical and the facts don't make logical sense. Another way I can tell when someone is lying is I can hear it in their voice. I don't know if other people have had this same experience and I also don't know if there is some research about this. I know that the inflection in their voice changes slightly and there's this hollow quality to the voice.

I have read there are body language signs but I can mainly tell through their voice. There voice changes from their regular talking voice. This doesn't always work but many times I notice when I spot a lie, the voice sometimes alters.

I think it's unfortunate that my brother manipulates my parents. He has these emotional freakouts and I don't know if it's the result of chemical imbalances or if it's just simply him being immature and not controlling his anger.

**********
I finally finished summarizing the remaining chapters of Philosophy of Freedom last Saturday. There is a revised appendix and a short chapter entitled Ultimate Questions. That's right Mr Steiner ends this book with questions, not answers! I think I will summarize those as well. I also finished reading his Secret Brotherhoods and was a bit disappointed with it. Sometimes I think I should just abandon my whole interest in spirituality and become a pure materialist. I just won't care about whether there is a god or spiritual beings. Maybe I just should believe in what I can perceive with my 5 senses and a microscope.

**********
TO LUST OR NOT TO LUST
**********

I have been eyeing this one guy at work. He's somewhat cute. I got to shadow him doing phone calls as some of us will be trained to do phone calls. When our department was slow, they would send us upstairs to shadow. I've shadowed with several people now and my training was for this week but it has been rescheduled. It's a nice way to meet the various employees. I noticed this guy before and he seemed rather nice. He was helping out some new person in my department to find a ride by asking a few people if they live near her area. He seemed uber nice because he seemed to go above what was needed.

He has some cons. The first being that he is skinny. I do not like skinny guys. I've gone out with a couple of skinny guys and when you are attempting to get it on, it is not nice to have his hip bones digging into yours. I don't know how skinny he is because I can't tell as his clothes are baggy. But let's face it. If I really enjoyed the feeling of bones against my body, I would either dig up corpses and entertain myself or go to some med school and fool around with the skeleton model that they use for teaching purposes.

Another con is that he smokes. I don't smoke. I'm really health conscious and I have only gone out with one person who smoked. He actually didn't smoke too often which was good since that meant that his breath didn't really smell smokey.

Another con is that he has a monotone voice. While shadowing, I noticed that he sounded very boring and monotone. I don't know if I would like to be around someone like that. I'm a bit fiery. I've gotten some spunk. I need someone who's got some spunk, some fire.

I don't really know much about him so if I were to consider asking him out, it would be until I had a better sense of his personality. I did notice that he had these really nice eyes during shadowing. He would explain something and then look directly at me. I don't know how to describe the eyes. Was it the colour that made them striking? I haven't found the right word.

I also noticed that he wore this maroon dress shirt alot. I noticed that he wore it twice this week. There is an unspoken code that you do not wear the same top to work more then once in a week. Many men do not understand this, however, it is common knowledge among women. This is not my rule, this is a fashion rule. At home, it doesn't matter but if at work, you must have a different top each day for the week. I was 85% sure that he was going to be wearing the maroon top this Friday (which is a casual dress day). I was looking out for him and I typically see him around 3.30 as that seems to be when he has his break. He did not have the maroon dress shirt on.

This would be another con of his... that he has proven me wrong.

**********
As you can see I have entitled my post, Tacticidal Maniac. The question is, who is this tacticidal maniac? Me and/or my brother?

EVIL LAUGH
MUU AHHH AHH AHH AHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Green

I have been really feeling drawn to the colour green these past few months. I bought myself a green top and have green runners. Blue was one of my favourite colours but I now am just smitten with green. The green of the trees and of plants and grass. It is so rich and wonderful.

I have been searching on google to see the symbolic meanings for the colour and came across this colour test. I didn't care for it much but I'll post it anyways. My comments are italicized.

Paula's Existing Situation

Active, outgoing, and restless. Feels frustrated by the slowness with which events develop along the desired lines. This leads to irritability, changeability, and lack of persistence when pursuing a given objective.

Irritable? Fuck you I ain't no.... you know you have such lovely eyes. Do you have any chocolate?

Paula's Stress Sources

Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.

Look I just have an unsatisfied need for power and status. I just want to rule and dominate the world and control people. I don't care for having standards for myself, I would rather seek to enforce unattainable standards for the ignorant and the not-absorbed-with-Paula- people.

Paula's Restrained Characteristics

Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Not true. I put out on the second date. And I pretend in a very convincing manner that I am enjoying myself.
Conditions are such that she will not let herself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.


Paula's Desired Objective

Seeks the determination and elasticity of will necessary to establish herself and to make herself independent despite the difficulties of her situation. Wants to overcome opposition and achieve recognition.

It would have been more simpler to say that I seek global domination and the relentless adoration of millions.

Paula's Actual Problem

Afraid that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants and therefore demands that others should recognize her right to them.

That's funny...that I'm afraid of not achieving things I want. I am fabulous. How can I not follow through on my plans for global domination?

Paula's Actual Problem #2

Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards.

I agree whole-cold-heartedly. Respect me people. Value me.

Chi-ified

Greetings and Salutations Fellow Biological Misfits,

I had a good weekend. I took this intensive qigong workshop in Etobicoke. It was 3 days and the total instruction time was about 15 hours. It was a Tibetan Solar qigong. I wasn't sure how to integrate this new qigong into my life. There are 2 levels and the first one should be done for about 3 months before you practice the second one as the second one requires you to build up your energy. I had to think about what my intention would be for this and I did come up with a clear intention so it will make it easier for me to motivate since I have my purpose in mind.

I already am doing enough meditatively and spiritually. I am interested in my mantra work and I don't want anything to take away my focus on that. I think I can devote the proper time and effort to practicing this particular qigong.

I stayed at a hotel on Friday night because the workshop ended at 10 and the Saturday workshop started at 7 am and I thought it would be easier for me to do so. I ended up getting off work an hour extra. I made good use of the whirlpool prior to my workshop and I made an even better use of the whirlpool after the workshop. I had fun with the jets. You know not ordinary fun like using it to destress my tense muscles. I had sexual fun.

My parents have left for Italy today for their pilgrimage. I have 3 brothers and my one brother has his own place. He used to live in a house 2 blocks from us but he sold it and now lives in an apartment that is further away from here. He comes over several nights a week to watch television. He has a small tv but only has basic cable. He would come over several times a week and at one point was experiencing some serious mental/emotional problems that resulted in him not being allowed over. He is better now but has wormed his way back into watching tv.

My brother is stupid and I don't like him very much. He has been diagnosed with depression and has medicine. I don't know if that's even a good diagnosis because he harbours a great deal of anger within and being on medicine I think doesn't really solve his problems. I think it is just a blanket solution, never really getting to the core of the issue. I think he has emotional problems because he simple doesn't want to experience his emotions. I seriously believe that people can make themselves sick and disturbed, particularly if they do not learn how to express their emotions and work with that energy in a positive way.

Now that my parents are gone for 2 weeks, I don't want him here. The last time they went away, he would come over and watch tv. It's just not normal. And I'm not talking about not normal in the sense that he might kill someone, but it's just not normal that he has this dependent relation with my parents. He's 39 years old I might add and is unemployed and has been so since November or December 2004. My parents are typical old fashioned Italians so they want to help their kids out but sometimes they need to be tougher and more assertive.

My mother said he was only allowed to come over for 2 days and tonight he wanted to come over for football. He also planned on coming over Friday and Saturday but I told him she said he's only allowed 2 nights. So now he's disputing this with me. We argue like children and it's ridiculous. He seems to be under the impression that he can come whenever he wants. My mother should be calling tonight and he wants her to straigthen it out.

It doesn't matter what she says because he usually ends up doing whatever he wants. He just doesn't listen.

If my parents had a more extensive social network, then maybe they would realize that how they let my brother come over to watch tv is not normal and maybe they'll realize that they are not heartless if they tell him that they don't want him to just come over and watch tv.

I can go on and on about the dysfunction of my one brother and why I don't like him but the tale might be too depressing.

I want to move out soon. I will but it depends on what happens with my new job. I'm still in that probation stage which is for 3 months so that means for sure next January or February I'll feel more comfortable moving out. I am thinking of getting a condo or a house where I can have roommates. I don't like the idea of giving rent money to someone. It's like making someone else rich and at least if I own my property, I won't feel like I'm throwing my money away. On the other hand I can start out with an apartment, just for the sake of getting out of the house. My parents drive me batty sometimes.

I feel a bit stupid/embarassed because I still live with my parents. But I don't believe in living with someone and most people just end up living with a partner, never really learning how to be self-sufficient. I could be like most young women my age(and younger) who move out of their parents home and move in with a boyfriend. But that's not my style and I want to be on my own for a while or have a roommate before I decide to move in with a boyfriend (I don't have one but I still wouldn't move in with him if I did).

So I found out on google that Hawksley Workman is gay. I thought he was because my gaydar was slightly going off. Well at least I never have to worry about dating a man who is gay and is hiding it, thanks to my trusty gaydar.
My best friend in high school dated a guy for 4 years in high school and he told her he was gay either when they broke up or afterwards. I knew he was gay the first time I met him. He didn't treat her well either but I guess she tolerated it because she was so desperate to be in a relationship.
Gaydar (i.e. the ability to identify homosexuals) should be biologically studied. Maybe gay people emit some pheromone that is different from straight people.

My parents will be going on a pilgrimage to Rome with the church (they are Catholics)at the end of the month for 2 weeks. There is an itenerary and they haven't received more specific details on what they will be doing. We were at Red Lobster for dinner tonight and I asked my parents what they will be doing there. My mother said that 2 bishops and a priest are also going with the group for this pilgrimage tour. They will get to attend a mass at the Vatican. My mother said that they will get to visit churches and stay at a monastary. I asked her if you're allowed to have sex at the monastary. I think I would totatly love to have sex at that sort of environment. It would be kinky. Maybe even a gang-bang if I felt more adventerous! She didn't give me an answer but I think it's an important question. Because we all know ideally the priests that stay there shouldn't but if you are a guest and are married... then I think you would have some sort of obligation to be fruitful and mulitple.

I think it would be fun to be conceived in a monastary. It can be the new trend. Monastary sex.

They'll start making bumper stickers that say "I was conceived in a monastary" or "Conceived in the house of the Lord".

I went to a Catholic school and basically was forced by my mother to attend mass up to the age of 17 or 18. I think around 14 I started questioning everything about the church and I started to see it as an unnecessary stage in my spiritual development. I always liked Jesus and the stories that I learned about him. I thought Jesus was someone I would like to be like because he was not judgmental and was compassionate. Everything else about religion and church didn't seem to matter. I didn't get the whole repetative nature of mass. I liked the homilies somewhat(i.e. when the priest spoke) but I thought it would be more interesting if we all could discuss our issues and struggles. My mother would motivate me to go to church by letting me use the car if I went. I would only go so I could get the car. Every Sunday I had to fight and argue with her about how I didn't want to go. It was awful and I just wish she would understand. She still wishes I would go to church but I don't understand her fixation on going to church.

I always thought Jesus was the type of guy who had a good sense of humour. Even though I might make Jesus jokes or religious jokes that may have not been found 'acceptable' to others, I always thought that at least Jesus would understand because he probably knew that my intention wasn't malicious and he probably would appreciate my mischieveous and twisted sense of humour.

My study of Anthroposophy is a Christ centered philsophy. However, many of Steiner's work do not necessarily discuss Christianity, for example his works on social issues and his Philosophy of Freedom. He does talk about spiritual beings and personalities such as Buddha and the Christ. My study group has decided to read Christianity as Mystical Fact and then we will read the book that I suggested, The Renewal of the Social Organism.

Steiner's ideas on spiritual beings, particularly about the Christ, strike a particular cord in me. I feel a deep and intimate connection about what he has to say about the Christ. It's a little bit different from what is traditionally taught. He discusses the impulse that Christ brings to the earth and for me it makes sense in a way that is hard to describe.

Christianity as Mystical Fact was the second Steiner book I read way back when I first started studying Anthroposophy. I took a bunch of books out from the library as my boyfriend at the time thought I might be interested in Steiner's spiritual philosophy. CMF is considered a basic book but I really don't think it should be. I read through it and thought about how stupid this Steiner guy is. It wasn't until I read Theosophy that I really started to understand where he was coming from. My group read about 8-10 pages on Sunday and I had a much better appreciation of this book.

I got my new laptop on Friday and have finally decided to use it. I had to figure out how to get my internet going because I still use a dial-up service. I'm going to have to transfer my files from my old computer to my new one later on. I have a wide screen which is a little weird for me.

I've been surfing for a hostel to stay near the Toronto airport as I'll be taking this qigong workshop in the Toronto area in a couple of weeks and the schedule is Friday 7.30 to 10 pm, Saturday and Sunday 7.30 - 10 am and I figure I'm better off staying close by for the Friday night since it starts so early. I've been searching for a while since I don't really want to spend much. I was starting to get irritated about my lack of hostel prospects as I was getting sucked into this internet void. I began to think about the tasks that I need to do in the real world and then I realized that I haven't masterbated in a couple of weeks.

That's so unlike me. I usually do so once a week. And to think I can't remember when was the last time I satisfied myself.
Sad really.

I saw one of my favourite performers this Thursday night at The Underground. I saw Hawksley Workman and the Wolves. I saw him in Yellowknife a couple of years ago at a music festival. I wanted to yell out to him on Thursday if he remembered me from Yellowknife. During one of his performances in Yellowknife, some of us got up to dance near the front of the stage. I was pretty close to him and would make eye contact and I think we had a brief moment where we connected. I really felt like we had a moment, brief and fleeting, but a moment nonetheless.

The Underground was a standing room venue with a small seating area at the back. I was in the second row behind some short girls so when it was time for Hawksley to perform, I had a good view. During the middle of his performance some ignorant ho pushed her way through the small crowd and managed to push me aside a bit to my left. I was standing next to some tall guy and there was probably a small gap between us. I didn't appreciate her being so ignorant. I was totally absorbed in the music and performance. She was bouncing around like some drunkin' Slavic bimbo. She was starting to annoy me. I decided to not let this Slavic whore ruin my Hawksley experience and she ended up leaving the area.

I don't find myself attracted to Hawksley. I don't know if he's gay or bi but he is a bit flamboyant as a performer. I'm usually good at spotting homosexuals but somehow my gaydar does not know what to make of him. He was actually cute in Thursday's show. He normally seems pale and white but he was tanned and had a hat on.

Some of my friends and I had a gathering for a friend who was going to be leaving us for Yellowknife soon. A bunch of people from my high school were there and we were going through the yearbooks. I hated highschool. It was ackward and it took a while for me to feel comfortable and to feel some sort of social confidence among my peers. I have met people who say they liked high school. What was there to like?

Grade 9 was awful because I got picked on by these 2 girls who I basically felt bullied by. They made me uncomfortable throughout my whole high school years. I got teased by a couple of other people as well. I had glasses and didn't seem confident making me a prime target. They were a year older then me. One was in my drama class and the other in my english.

There are more stories of my sucky experience in highschool but I've moved on in my life and I don't care to explore my past. I think I've learned what I needed to learn from that time.

I starting reading Steiner's lecture book called Secret Brotherhoods. The lectures are unusally long and I don't know why. My study group will be meeting tonight and we haven't for about 3 weeks. We haven't decided what to read.

I finished another 40 day mantra discipline on September 3. This was the first time that I forced myself to just stick with one mantra. I had so many objectives but it can dilute the process if you do multiple mantras, unless they pertain to the same issue. I achieved my objection around day 34 and so had to continue with it anyways. The discipline lost much of its intensity after I achieved my objective but obviously you have to complete the discipline. I started another one on the 7th. I wrote out my objective. I wanted to use this mantra while I was doing the other one. I learned it while I was doing the other one but I didn't commit myself to a discipline. I enjoy saying it. It's a bit long but I like it.

Online Dating

Ok I will admit it publicly. I've tried those online dating services before. I tried them a few years ago. I've gone out with a couple of people once or twice. It never works out. I have my profile up on a popular one now. I really don't have high expectations. I'm not even really interested in finding someone now anyways. I'm just addicted to checking my account every day to see if anyone is interested in me and in checking out available hotties. All of the guys I send online smiles to don't respond back and all the guys that like me are guys who I don't find attractive. I would rate them a 5.5 out of 10. Why am I not attracting hotties?

I guess the internet doesn't really capture my mojo.

I like checking out the guys. It's hard to tell if you have a chemistry with someone just by looking at their picture and profile but I really think you can have some sense of whether maybe something could evolve.

Today was interesting though. I was scoping out the guys and I believe I came across the profile of a former boss of mine from a job I had about a year ago. I was at this job for just over a year when I got let go. (not my fault this time!) He was my team leader and he was quite the hottie but also an asshole. He was only about 1-2 years older then me. He was a 'let's go out and get drunk at the pub' kinda guy. Also had very little activities to stimulate himself. His hobbies? Work and beer.

Yeah he's one of those guys.

Anyways, I had this huge crush on him for the longest time. Like a schoolgirl crush. Maybe if he weren't a jerk, I'd ask him out.
I found out one day he had a girlfriend.
And then another day that he hadn't.
Then a week later I would hear he had the same girlfriend.

Yes he was one of those guys who always had this on-again off-again thing with his woman. I hate people like that. I really do. I just hate indecisiveness. Or do I? I'm not really sure. Oh no wait... maybe... ma y b e
I DO.

I understand the doubting yourself when you dump someone. Or wanting them back if you've been dumped, thinking that maybe you two were really meant for each other and he's just afraid of his feelings. I get that but I just don't get people who break up and then get back and do it again and again.

You either like the pussy/cock or you don't.
It's real binary people.

Anyways, I sent an email to this person and asked him if he was my former boss. The profile stated he was a non smoker but I know my former boss smoked. And I know my former boss always secretly had a thing for me so perhaps this will be an opportunity for him to profess his undying love for me, because I know somewhere, there must be someone who has some undying love for me that they are too afraid to profess to me.

Yeah for Materialism!

I've been the materialistic whore this weekend. I ended up buying myself a laptop. I was aiming for under $900 but threw caution to the wind when I realized that I would be happier with a 17" monitor versus a 14.1" monitor. My current laptop is a 17" and so I think once you go big, you can never go back.

I also took Friday off and drove to Toronto with my parents and their new Buick Lucerne. Bulky mo-fo, if you ask me. It's 13" longer then the Malibu I drive and I'm not sure exactly how much wider it was but it certainly felt a bit wider. I wanted to check out this store called Zara which I learned about in this book called The Wisdom of Crowds. My parent's new car is also equipped with OnStar for free for one year and this was an excuse for us to test it out.

Let me tell you OnStar sucks ass. There are 4 Zaras in Toronto (there are currently none in Hamilton) and I chose the one on Bloor. Since my parents are sheltered people and generally do not go far or to many places other then the market, the gym or Italy, they can not fully understand how I felt when I was trying to express how horrid the directions were. If they were more familiar with Toronto, such as myself - although I claim no expertise - they would be able to participate with me in complaining about how stupid OnStar is.

Let me say it again.
ONSTAR YOU SUCK ASS.
ONSTAR YOU PROVIDE INEFFICIENT DIRECTIONS

We were on QEW and around the Erin Mills exit, I decided to ask for directions. I figured I'd give myself ample time to contact OnStar. How it works is you speak to a live person and tell them where you are going. I think there are other things they can help you with but we were only interested in directions. You can have them give you all the directions at once or they tell you step by step as you progress towards your destination. The live person programs the system and then when you're done with them an automated voice directs you.

First instruction was to stay on the QEW for X number of miles. As I got closer to Toronto, it told me to take Highway 2 (i.e. Lakeshore). So I did that. This is where it confused me. It said to stay on the right. Then a minute later it tells me to turn left on Jameson. I ended up missing my exit because there was no time to change lanes and then we had to contact them again.

Onstar was better off in telling us to stay on the Gardner and get off on Spadina. Anyways if you are considering OnStar, please don't. You are better off using a map. Poor directions. It's always better to stay on the highway then to drive through the city to get to your destination (in most cases).

I ended up buying a top at Zara. I wasn't feeling the style of clothes there so I'll probably never go again. Maybe I'll consider going to the Yorkdale one. It was uber busy though and I had to wait in line to try my shirt and to pay.

I also won some ebay auction yesterday for a Green Day calendar.

I've just been all spendy mcspender this weekend.
It is unusal for me.

It was also the first time I drove with my dad. I was a bit nervous because my father is critical and somewhat judgemental. I know when I drive with my mother, she'll correct me if I don't signal for a lane change. I'm a good driver but really sometimes I'm not going to signal every single time I move, especially if no one is around. Signalling is to communicate to other drivers what you are doing. If none are around, why signal?

Well after the trip my dad did say I did good.

I will also be starting a new job tomorrow. A real job! A job I found by myself! There is 2 weeks of training. I hope to have a good experience there. I have been temping in between so as not to get so bored. I finished my census job back in July and had some assignment from the agency that would last for the summer. I was still looking for work and had a couple of interviews and so I am glad that this worked out for me.

My future feels like it can take a new direction at any time.
I hope good things start happening to me because I deserve it!

New Release!

This just in!
The Official Membership Card for Bisexuals.
Not available in stores.
Quantities are limited.

Coming soon; the Official Membership Card for Homosexuals.

Rapture

For all of those who don't know my father is a CNN junkie. Attracted to the American propaganda and the US media's grandiose perception that it's the only evolved democratic country in the world. Every day my psyche is exposed to this hogwash and one story really got my attention. It was about the Rapture. They did this commerical asking 'is this the end of the world?'. I was disgusted by this commercial. I am sure somewhere in America there are many uneducated people who really believe whatever they see on their tv. They probably really believe that hey maybe we are reallly in for the apocalypse. So a few days later they actually air this piece discussing the rapture. They interviewed these religious fanatic leaders who really believe that it is the end of the world. This piece aired a few days after this Israel war began. They believed that this war is a sign that was clearly outlined in the bible. They also said that we have had many signs leading up to this rapture. Signs such as floods, tsunamies and earthquakes. The Rapture is discussed in Revelations and these people believe that the Rapture was going to occur soon after this war began and that the apocalypse will take place. The Rapture is where all the good people go to heaven and will return to earth when the apocalypse is over. Then Jesus will come down and they will have peace for 1000 years.
CNN actually interviewed a regular priest who argued that the war going on has nothing to do with the apocalypse but was because humans were responsible for this problem. Yes someone speaking rational thoughts. Mmmmm rational thoughts.

Anyways, don't these Rapture believers realize that you have to be dead in order to go to heaven?

Update

Greetings and Salutations Homosapiens,

As previously mentioned I have planned to shave my hair and donate it for cancer patients for Labour Day weekend. I have to delay this plan as the minimum hair length is 10 inches. My hair is layered so parts of it are 8 inches whereas other parts are 9 inches. Unless my hair can grow 2 inches in 4 weeks, this plan will have to be delayed. I will either wait until next Labour day or just wait a couple of months and get my hairdresser to do it.

It's raining terrorists.
Hallelujah.
It's raining terrorists. Every specimen.
Tall, blonde, dark and lean.
Rough and tough and strong and mean.

Whatever

I'm noticing that I'm saying whatever more then I should. Really how much is too much? I say it several times a day. So many things in life are not worth caring about so... whatever. I consider myself fairly articulate and so because I use the word whatever frequently, it makes me seem less articulate. But I honestly do not care to always be articulate. It's work and damn it I have a right to be linguistically inadequate occasionally.

My whole issue may possibly be a sign of my regression back into the teen years where excessive use of whatever was prevalent. I may unconsciously be yearning to go back to an earlier period of my life where I wasn't faced with the task of being a full adult and therefore my use of whatever is symbolic of my unwillingness to accept my entrance into adulthood.

Whatever.

I'm melting

Damn you bloody heat!
Damn you to bloody hell!

It's hot, bloody hot. There's a heat warning. Great time for economists and politicians to push that whole global warming issue.

Anyways, I'm announcing that I plan on shaving my head bald for Labour Day weekend. What is motivating me you might ask? I've never been bald in my life and probably never will. It will be an experience. My hair grows fast too so it'll probably take 6 months before my head looks presentable. What's 6 months of looking a little weird in comparion to my possible lifespan of 85 years?

In my study group, we finished reading Anthroposophical Leading Thoughts. Usually in the summer we'll do art like paint. Last year we did the Platonic solids using clay. Or we'll read random lectures. I started reading some Steiner again. I haven't really been reading much of his work for several months. I've only sporadically been summarizing the chapters of Philosoophy of Freedom. I've been focused on other things. It's good to get back into my own personal study. I read other books all the time but I always find his work to be more stimulating and challenging.

I went to the library last week and saw one of those women who's wearing that religious outfit where their entire face is covered, except for their eyes. I forget what they are called. I am not threatened by seeing people wearing that but when I see a woman like that, it upsets me. I see that outfit as a symbol of female repression and as anti-female. If you want to wear a head covering, I don't care, go for it. But I just don't see how this extreme behaviour of covering your face has anything to do with being humble. Let's be honest and real. Some religions are sexist and unfortunately there are still countries that see women as sub-humans. Maybe this woman naively believes that she's being humble but maybe she doesn't realize she looks and is treated like a second class citizen. I'd like to have the courage to start a conversation with someone like that to see where they are coming from.

I saw this program about a Muslim community on a local station several months ago. The Mosque must have been in Mississauga but it was discussing how women aren't being treated equally in this Mosque... which is in Canada! You would think here in Canada the Muslims would be more evolved but this group in Mississauga seems to be one big old boys club. The Mosque had built a separate room for the women and they no longer felt part of this community. The documentary also featured some other Mosque I believe in Alberta. No where in the Koran it said women had to be treated like this. I believe it did say the women were to be behind the men during prayer but not that they had to be in a separate room. The men's behaviour was extremely childish. I don't know why these women tolerate this. The men just really wanted to keep the women out. It was ridiculous the sexism that is pervasive in that religion. I find many religions to be sexist anyways. I don't support any organization that doesn't give women the respect they deserve. I don't care if you are Muslim, Catholic, whatever. Most religions teach that being loving and respectful to others is what is important. Human egos create all these other ridiculous rules that end up taking people further away from the 2 simple truths of love yourself and love others.

Less of Me

Greetings and Salutations,

I have been working out with kettlebells since June 29th. It's a unique exercise tool that looks like a cannon ball with a handle. I've been using a 26 lb kettlebell. I got a dvd entitled From Russia With Tough Love for a Femme Fatale along with the kb. I got it at this site where I also purchased a qigong video. I decided to try it because it sounds really efficient for a workout. It combines cardio and strength training. I actually sweat when I do use this tool. I've lost an inch on my hips and for me, losing there has always been difficult. My goals are basically to get more upper body strength and tighten my hips and inner thighs.
The site's products I find are slightly overpriced but there are not many kettlebell resource sites on the internet. I did find one site that sells the kettlebell for much cheaper. I will probably buy a second from that site and hopefully it's good quality.

I have spent about 20 minutes, 2 to 3 times a week exercising. That's what I like about using this. It's efficient and I get a good workout. I hate working out so I like knowing that I don't have to put in alot of time and the workout does require that I concentrate. I've never been of fan of mindless exercise and I find my kb challenging. It also utilizes many of the muscles during an exercise. I definitely feel that it's better to do exercises that demand that all of you is involved rather than isolating certain parts like many exercise machines do. Here are some links to amuse yourself.

Wikipedia Definition
A kettlebell company
Cheaper kettlebells

Oh yeah, I am in no way affiliated with these sites.

Run me over

Greetings and Salutations,

Yesterday was a lovely day. Quite bloody humid. Plus my car broke down on my way home from work. There was a problem with the car on Friday and that battery light came on. My father got a new battery but that light was still on when I went out on Sunday. I'm taking the QEW highway home and suddenly all my gauges go to zero. This is probably around the bridge area. I was on the highway like this for 5 minutes and then my exit comes and by the time the exit comes up, I notice that I can't accelerate anymore. So around the lovely curve I go as I exit off the highway and it was a bitch to turn that steering wheel. My car was slowly decelerating and then it stopped going. I couldn't pull over so I ended up blocking the lane. I was quite pissed because my father let me drive this car. I got out of the car and started walking. I didn't have a cellphone but 5 minutes from my car, I saw someone had pulled over and he let me use his cellphone. I called our lovely CAA and the guy called the police because he was concerned it would get hit. He was kind enough to drive me back around to my car. Karma points for you Mr. I don't know your name. I struck up a conversation with him as well. I also chatted with the tow truck man. I was surprised by my chattiness. The whole situation amused me. The last time I had to pull over my car was during a really bad snow storm. I find it ironic (is this irony?) that I have had to pull my car over during extreme weather days, like it's either bloody hot or freaking snowing a lot. The situation didn't really bother me. Sure it was an annoyance and I was pissed for about 2 minutes but I was cool after that.
Anyways, the problem was with the alternator.

I never understood this whole idea about chicks who enjoy dating the 'bad boy'. Is this true? Do guys know of girls who enjoyed dating bad boys or is this some sort of mythical dating propaganda? I don't really like dating bad boys. I have this low tolerance for jerks. I might have gone out with someone who was 1/4 jerk and insensitive but they had at least enough qualities to redeem them.

Happy Anniversary!

I'm celebrating my 7th year anniversary studying the philosophy known as Anthroposophy. I don't know the exact date that I started but I do know I started around the end of June or July so today I'll celebrate this anniversary. I think 7 years is important and I feel I have ended a cycle of my life. A new cycle will begin for me. Not now of course, after the summer. I'm in chill mode now. I couldn't stress about my future if I tried.

I changed my picture in my profile. I'm not going for the messiahic look or anything. It's a nice picture that I took of myself by myself.

It's hot out and it's humid. I'm choosing to stay indoors.

World Cup and the Italians Rant

Okay. Let me start out by saying my parents are both Italians and so that means it's okay for me to be derogatory towards Italians. (or this is just my own excuse)
Anyways, I decided on Saturday night to use that window paint on my car. Well actually it's not paint it's more like this coloured washable polish. My parents have been busy cleaning up the garage and so they found this box of paint polish I got from this place I uased to work at 3 years ago. I was inspired to paint the car windows since we had 3 colours: white, green and red, which happen to be the Italian flag colours. So I paint on the side windows so as not to obstruct my view. I did the other side and then I was inspired to write (because hey I enjoy writing. I'm not really a graphically inclined individual) and so I did. I wrote Italians do it better and then on the left bottom bumper I write Eh! because hey, I'm a patriotic Canadian. Then I felt like writing on the right bumper Bush U suck ass. My dad saw what I did and got upset at me and he stated that I shouldn't mix politics with sports. I almost felt 'bad' for insulting the US president but that quickly went away. All my happy feelings of self expression disapated due to that comment. Who wouldn't want to be supporting a sports team and criticize a politician at the same time? It's efficient.
I chose to wash the Italian flags the next day because I realized that I actually didn't care about this whole World Cup thing anyways. My writing was gone so my parents probably washed that off.
I know I'm 27 and I'm getting reprimanded for expressing myself?
Loki is untameable!

I actually thought Italy was going to lose. Why? Because Italians can be little pussys. I thought they'd lose and then complain how it was fixed and how there were people who didn't want them to win.

I had to go to my study group and there was traffic and I had to drive around these fans so that I could get to where I needed to go. Not everyone driving was celebrating Italy winning and some of us actually had to use the road to drive. I know crazy isn't it?

I saw people who didn't look Italian celebrating in cars. I should know because I can usually spot Italians from non-Italians. It's like gay-dar, only it would apply for spotting similar nationalities. Like nationality-dar. I think these people really just wanted to drive up and down the city to honk their horn and just needed some excuse. They probably had a France flag in handy just in case France won.

I actually harbour some dislike towards Italians in general. I don't understand this whole celebrating my cultural ethnicity. I was born and raised in Canada and so I can only muster up feelings for Canada and not for Italy. My parents play the Italian music at home (among other music), they speak Italian 35-40% of the time, we eat pasta, my mother uses plastic to cover the furniture. Clearly I've been influenced by the Italian culture but I don't have any interest or romantic feelings towards the country. I'm also a first generation Canadian. I don't romanticize Italy. I've only been there once but I really don't identify with the country.

I like the term paesano (which means country man. Paesana is the feminin). I've called a couple of people my paesano but that's because it sounds good and I like the word as well.

Giving Up Thinking

Greetings and Salutations Earthlings,

I am officially giving up Thinking.
It's the summer and I have decided to abandon all activities related to thinking. That means for me, no more introspection. No more analyzing. No more caring.
It means I'm giving birth to a new me. A more shallower me.

I am pleased with my decision and feel that it is time for me to give up thinking.
I may get back with thinking in the fall but for now we have chosen to go our own separate ways so that we can work on our own separate solo careers.

I bid adieu Thinking.
Fare thee well!