Greetings all,
I had heard on the radio that JLo is now a judge on AI and that Simon and Paula are not on it anymore. I ended up checking on Youtube clips of the show. I am surprised she is on that show. She is like an A list celebrity and doing sitcoms (technically it's not a sitcom) but typically doing a show like this to me is a lower status show. I think JLo is alright. I don't care for her voice but her songs are danceable for the most part and she can dance well so I think she has some talent and respect her enough. I just don't think she has the same skill of singing that she and the other judges are looking for in the contestants. Now I guess she has something of value to say because she knows what it takes and I think she is proof that you don't need a big booming voice to be successful in this industry.
I felt she was overdressed and overdone. She had way too much make-up and always looks so overly dressed. It's American Idol, not the Oscars. I think she should dress a bit more casual.
I was reading now how everyone is gushing about her on Youtube and I remember years ago she was so hated. I remember when she was starting to get famous, she seemed really stern and she seems more relaxed on the show. I heard her in an interview that she learned that people love you one day and hate the next so this is probably what people are doing. I remember the Ben Affleck years and there seemed to be nonsense about that.
She seems like she is settled and happy so maybe people react to a celebrity because they don't like certain things about them. Maybe now because she's married with kids, that might be a factor in her likeability but as well, maybe it has softened her and helped her be less self absorbed? Who knows.
Monday, April 25, 2011
The Media
Greetings all,
I don't have cable and I don't read the newspaper or really follow the news. I really don't pay attention to what is going on in the world. I don't have cable since I don't watch tv and can't justify the cost of a tv subscription. I am at my parents for Easter so this is when I get to watch tv and generally it feels weird to watch since I just don't have the attention sometimes to watch a show. I managed to watch Celebrity Apprentice. I think for me, if I don't feel interested in watching it in the first few minutes, I just can't be bothered. There are so many other options out there. As well, I don't find much shows engaging and tv is such a passive activity that I don't care for it much. I watched a lot of tv when I was a kid but when I hit first year university, I just stopped and watched on occasion. I think tv is limiting and I was more attracted to being engaged in the real world. Although I do think tv can be useful, it mostly is garbage.
Anyways, I am now hearing about Prince William's wedding on tv. And I hear of all other stuff. And all of it, I don't care about. The main reason I really don't like to hear news is because I find it's not necessary information. Most news out there isn't going to affect me and I can't do anything with the info. It's a waste for me so I end up not listening to anything, which I think can potentially have a downside. But I end up hearing about shit anyways. I heard about the Japan earthquake (how can you not). Important news usually gets shared by people. I think I consciously chose to not put info in my head that I don't need, because I want to keep my mind clear. I have read that always reading about the news is depressing and they have done studies on this. I think that's the main reason. I need to feel good about my life and I think always reading depressing stories is disempowering. Sometimes knowledge is not power. It's just depressing because we can't do much about it. I suppose we could with stories that really touch us but I think with the majority of info out there, we probably are not going to do anything with this information. If I can't act upon info, then it's useless to me. I really feel that most of what happens, we don't need to know. I already know there are murders and wars going on or how people screw each other over. I don't need to know this and it doesn't help me in any way really.
So I was watching Celebrity Apprentice, which happened to be 2 hours. So here I am thinking I have a short attention span but apparently I can sit down for 2 hours and watch something, if I find it interesting. Trump asked the remaining contestants if they would vote for him if he were running for President and they all said yes and he said he'd fire them if they didn't. I honestly think I would have said to him that I would consider him as an option but would base my decision on who else is running and what their platform is. As well, just because he has business skills, doesn't mean he has the skills to run a nation, which require a different skill set, although having business skills is one of them. Being a President requires other skills. I would tell him that maybe running for an entry level position would be better to see if he likes the field as being President is a 4 year commitment. If you don't like a business, you can quit at any time but not as President.
I was also surprised how some of the women on the women's team were catty with each other. This was a show that the winners get money for their charity. They were a bit mean about it and I didn't agree with that. It's for charity! I find though it always seems that the men can learn to deal with their differences but women just get so catty and emotional and I have seen a few of the Apprentices where the women end up behaving this way. I just don't get it. It makes me wonder too because obviously men have a capacity to get along but yet they are more prone to violence and usually start wars. So that is what I don't get! Surely if men can handle their differences in small groups, they can be less violent in the world. Doesn't make sense.
I don't have cable and I don't read the newspaper or really follow the news. I really don't pay attention to what is going on in the world. I don't have cable since I don't watch tv and can't justify the cost of a tv subscription. I am at my parents for Easter so this is when I get to watch tv and generally it feels weird to watch since I just don't have the attention sometimes to watch a show. I managed to watch Celebrity Apprentice. I think for me, if I don't feel interested in watching it in the first few minutes, I just can't be bothered. There are so many other options out there. As well, I don't find much shows engaging and tv is such a passive activity that I don't care for it much. I watched a lot of tv when I was a kid but when I hit first year university, I just stopped and watched on occasion. I think tv is limiting and I was more attracted to being engaged in the real world. Although I do think tv can be useful, it mostly is garbage.
Anyways, I am now hearing about Prince William's wedding on tv. And I hear of all other stuff. And all of it, I don't care about. The main reason I really don't like to hear news is because I find it's not necessary information. Most news out there isn't going to affect me and I can't do anything with the info. It's a waste for me so I end up not listening to anything, which I think can potentially have a downside. But I end up hearing about shit anyways. I heard about the Japan earthquake (how can you not). Important news usually gets shared by people. I think I consciously chose to not put info in my head that I don't need, because I want to keep my mind clear. I have read that always reading about the news is depressing and they have done studies on this. I think that's the main reason. I need to feel good about my life and I think always reading depressing stories is disempowering. Sometimes knowledge is not power. It's just depressing because we can't do much about it. I suppose we could with stories that really touch us but I think with the majority of info out there, we probably are not going to do anything with this information. If I can't act upon info, then it's useless to me. I really feel that most of what happens, we don't need to know. I already know there are murders and wars going on or how people screw each other over. I don't need to know this and it doesn't help me in any way really.
So I was watching Celebrity Apprentice, which happened to be 2 hours. So here I am thinking I have a short attention span but apparently I can sit down for 2 hours and watch something, if I find it interesting. Trump asked the remaining contestants if they would vote for him if he were running for President and they all said yes and he said he'd fire them if they didn't. I honestly think I would have said to him that I would consider him as an option but would base my decision on who else is running and what their platform is. As well, just because he has business skills, doesn't mean he has the skills to run a nation, which require a different skill set, although having business skills is one of them. Being a President requires other skills. I would tell him that maybe running for an entry level position would be better to see if he likes the field as being President is a 4 year commitment. If you don't like a business, you can quit at any time but not as President.
I was also surprised how some of the women on the women's team were catty with each other. This was a show that the winners get money for their charity. They were a bit mean about it and I didn't agree with that. It's for charity! I find though it always seems that the men can learn to deal with their differences but women just get so catty and emotional and I have seen a few of the Apprentices where the women end up behaving this way. I just don't get it. It makes me wonder too because obviously men have a capacity to get along but yet they are more prone to violence and usually start wars. So that is what I don't get! Surely if men can handle their differences in small groups, they can be less violent in the world. Doesn't make sense.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Love Triangle Revisited
Greetings all,
I had written back in January and February about a 'love triangle' that was going on in my group. Anyways, it was the guy's birthday on Sunday and he invited some of us out for dinner. I felt like there is just so much attraction that I feel and I was thinking how maybe I have to pursue this to see where it goes so after talking with my friend, I emailed him asking if the offer to cuddle was still open.
He was open to meeting up and we had coffee last night. Some of us planned to attend a BBQ on Good Friday and he emailed me that he planned to kiss me. He said he would try last night but I wouldn't let him. I think it kills the moment if you announce that you plan on kissing someone. Just do it and be spontaneous about it!
Anyways, I felt like he didn't get me and somehow we started talking about personalities and I said mine was up there. He took this to mean I am cocky but I'm just a confident person. I had joked when I went to my yoga retreat back in December that I attained enlightenment and he said that was an example of my cockiness. I said that was a joke. He just doesn't get me.
I told him how I was pissed that he went and danced with the girl and separated from our group. He apparently doesn't remember doing that. How convenient they don't remember doing this. They are both feeling types but it goes to show that even feeling types can be insensitive and unconscious about their actions and hurtful. I said because of that I don't trust him anymore. He told me he asked her out. The good thing is he didn't ask me out because no one likes to be #2 and at least he has some awareness of this.
He made it seem like there was something wrong with me. He feels I'm blocked and sees I am sensitive but I don't think he gets that he's probably sensing something in him and is just projecting onto me. I don't know what he is talking about. I am fine as I am.
The organizer is big into the Myer-Briggs personality and one aspect of a person's personality is that they are a thinker or feeler. I get the vibe that they think they are so much more sensitive then us thinkers because they are feelers and that what they feel is right. A Steiner quote that I remember is that thought is the father of feeling. So to me this means that your thoughts are what gives birth to feelings and that a thought can enlighten us to what we feel. Steiner has talked about how thoughts can reveal deep feelings and are not purely cold.
I thought as well, that as a thinker, I don't always think the 'right thoughts' and I'm sure the same thing applies to feelers. They may not interpret their feelings in the 'right way'. They may feel something but they can misinterpret it. It takes skill and emotional intelligence to interpret a feeling accurately just as it takes skill to think correct thoughts.
The bottom line is he is an ass and I gave him a 2nd chance and he just proved he's not worthy of my time or attention. I just wish I didn't feel this physical attraction to him. I'm not sure if I'll stay with this group for long. Idiots are everywhere and running away isn't a solution.
I had written back in January and February about a 'love triangle' that was going on in my group. Anyways, it was the guy's birthday on Sunday and he invited some of us out for dinner. I felt like there is just so much attraction that I feel and I was thinking how maybe I have to pursue this to see where it goes so after talking with my friend, I emailed him asking if the offer to cuddle was still open.
He was open to meeting up and we had coffee last night. Some of us planned to attend a BBQ on Good Friday and he emailed me that he planned to kiss me. He said he would try last night but I wouldn't let him. I think it kills the moment if you announce that you plan on kissing someone. Just do it and be spontaneous about it!
Anyways, I felt like he didn't get me and somehow we started talking about personalities and I said mine was up there. He took this to mean I am cocky but I'm just a confident person. I had joked when I went to my yoga retreat back in December that I attained enlightenment and he said that was an example of my cockiness. I said that was a joke. He just doesn't get me.
I told him how I was pissed that he went and danced with the girl and separated from our group. He apparently doesn't remember doing that. How convenient they don't remember doing this. They are both feeling types but it goes to show that even feeling types can be insensitive and unconscious about their actions and hurtful. I said because of that I don't trust him anymore. He told me he asked her out. The good thing is he didn't ask me out because no one likes to be #2 and at least he has some awareness of this.
He made it seem like there was something wrong with me. He feels I'm blocked and sees I am sensitive but I don't think he gets that he's probably sensing something in him and is just projecting onto me. I don't know what he is talking about. I am fine as I am.
The organizer is big into the Myer-Briggs personality and one aspect of a person's personality is that they are a thinker or feeler. I get the vibe that they think they are so much more sensitive then us thinkers because they are feelers and that what they feel is right. A Steiner quote that I remember is that thought is the father of feeling. So to me this means that your thoughts are what gives birth to feelings and that a thought can enlighten us to what we feel. Steiner has talked about how thoughts can reveal deep feelings and are not purely cold.
I thought as well, that as a thinker, I don't always think the 'right thoughts' and I'm sure the same thing applies to feelers. They may not interpret their feelings in the 'right way'. They may feel something but they can misinterpret it. It takes skill and emotional intelligence to interpret a feeling accurately just as it takes skill to think correct thoughts.
The bottom line is he is an ass and I gave him a 2nd chance and he just proved he's not worthy of my time or attention. I just wish I didn't feel this physical attraction to him. I'm not sure if I'll stay with this group for long. Idiots are everywhere and running away isn't a solution.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Greetings all,
My meditation experience was interesting last night. Things seem to keep revolving around the same issues and I am probably just chipping away at it slowly. Last night I felt like I just don't believe in myself. And I think this is the root of my fears and what holds me back.
As I said before, I have been aware that I am looking externally for answers but I know intellectually it's internal. Looking within on an emotional level is different then just understanding it in theory.
I guess I have to self determine and basically I know this. It's just I am working through all this emotionally and this is the challenge. It does boil down to self confidence and this is what I think I am working on.
My meditation experience was interesting last night. Things seem to keep revolving around the same issues and I am probably just chipping away at it slowly. Last night I felt like I just don't believe in myself. And I think this is the root of my fears and what holds me back.
As I said before, I have been aware that I am looking externally for answers but I know intellectually it's internal. Looking within on an emotional level is different then just understanding it in theory.
I guess I have to self determine and basically I know this. It's just I am working through all this emotionally and this is the challenge. It does boil down to self confidence and this is what I think I am working on.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Madness!
Greetings all,
I had another challenging week. For the past few days I was really feeling down, again I think this was due to my meditation. I had one of my most intense meditation experiences with Sat kriya on Wednesday. I went out during the evening and in the morning had spoken to an employment counsellor. I am 2 points shy of qualifying for Second Career, so It would be difficult for me as according to the labour market, it does not say office administration is a dying field. If it was, I'd have a good chance for my case. So now I am left with what to do with myself. I can still find a job and go to school part time.
Anyways,I had been feeling down and I have been doing my sodarshan for 22 minutes and I did Sat Kriya for 22 minutes and at the 11 minute point, I just had enough of things and felt myself standing up to the bullshit in my life. I was really pushing past some deep seated fears and it was intense. It was weird and emotional at the same time. I felt better the next day but I still feel there is more emotional debris lodged in my head and I just want it out. All out! I just don't know how long it will take, as I have done lots of emotional work on myself. I have made progress.
I find sodarshan hard at times, because I think it is really challenging to my ego and the negativity I hold on to.
I went out Wednesday night and felt really out of it and spacey. I was glad that I cleared out my emotional stuff Wednesday night as I felt better on Thursday.
I don't believe in books like The Secret, because based on my own experience, I find the only way to become more positive is by really feeling the negative feelings and letting them go. A kundalni book mentions this that many techniques just force you to replace one thought with another, but that never gets to the root of the issue. The point is to get to the core belief and really experience the pain behind it.
I feel I am looking for some permanency in life but most of what we experience is only temporary. I know in theory, the only permanent thing is our soul and spirit. Experiencing it is another story. I do feel like my mind is so untrained and that I have over identified myself with my mind. I have experienced this feeling before but I am experiencing it on a deeper level. I do feel like my mind is supposed to serve me, but it has a mind of its own, which is no good for me.
I have felt these past few days that I am looking outside of my self for answers that I know intellectually are inside of me. I feel like I am trying to see what others have done and I think if I do what they did, maybe I can figure out what to do but I have to really accept that I am unique and that my path is unique. Maybe I am afraid of my own light and strength because I don't want to stick out or something. Maybe by being great, I feel that it separates me from people. I am not sure yet how to interpret this. I have a hard time accepting this at times because I want some formula to success that I can copy but it doesn't work like this. I don't know if I'll ever be successful. It's obviously important to me, but success is really something I determine for myself. No one can tell me if I am a success or not. It's up to me to decide.
I feel as well, that I need to be at peace with myself and what happens around me. I think this meditation has brought to my awareness, the thoughts that aren't nice but I have to acknowledge them.
I just want to be free but I see how I am limiting myself and basically imprisoning myself.
Time seems to move so fast. You just want to make it stop. I think on some level, the way time moves, it is scary. I have no control over it and we can't make it stop.
I had another challenging week. For the past few days I was really feeling down, again I think this was due to my meditation. I had one of my most intense meditation experiences with Sat kriya on Wednesday. I went out during the evening and in the morning had spoken to an employment counsellor. I am 2 points shy of qualifying for Second Career, so It would be difficult for me as according to the labour market, it does not say office administration is a dying field. If it was, I'd have a good chance for my case. So now I am left with what to do with myself. I can still find a job and go to school part time.
Anyways,I had been feeling down and I have been doing my sodarshan for 22 minutes and I did Sat Kriya for 22 minutes and at the 11 minute point, I just had enough of things and felt myself standing up to the bullshit in my life. I was really pushing past some deep seated fears and it was intense. It was weird and emotional at the same time. I felt better the next day but I still feel there is more emotional debris lodged in my head and I just want it out. All out! I just don't know how long it will take, as I have done lots of emotional work on myself. I have made progress.
I find sodarshan hard at times, because I think it is really challenging to my ego and the negativity I hold on to.
I went out Wednesday night and felt really out of it and spacey. I was glad that I cleared out my emotional stuff Wednesday night as I felt better on Thursday.
I don't believe in books like The Secret, because based on my own experience, I find the only way to become more positive is by really feeling the negative feelings and letting them go. A kundalni book mentions this that many techniques just force you to replace one thought with another, but that never gets to the root of the issue. The point is to get to the core belief and really experience the pain behind it.
I feel I am looking for some permanency in life but most of what we experience is only temporary. I know in theory, the only permanent thing is our soul and spirit. Experiencing it is another story. I do feel like my mind is so untrained and that I have over identified myself with my mind. I have experienced this feeling before but I am experiencing it on a deeper level. I do feel like my mind is supposed to serve me, but it has a mind of its own, which is no good for me.
I have felt these past few days that I am looking outside of my self for answers that I know intellectually are inside of me. I feel like I am trying to see what others have done and I think if I do what they did, maybe I can figure out what to do but I have to really accept that I am unique and that my path is unique. Maybe I am afraid of my own light and strength because I don't want to stick out or something. Maybe by being great, I feel that it separates me from people. I am not sure yet how to interpret this. I have a hard time accepting this at times because I want some formula to success that I can copy but it doesn't work like this. I don't know if I'll ever be successful. It's obviously important to me, but success is really something I determine for myself. No one can tell me if I am a success or not. It's up to me to decide.
I feel as well, that I need to be at peace with myself and what happens around me. I think this meditation has brought to my awareness, the thoughts that aren't nice but I have to acknowledge them.
I just want to be free but I see how I am limiting myself and basically imprisoning myself.
Time seems to move so fast. You just want to make it stop. I think on some level, the way time moves, it is scary. I have no control over it and we can't make it stop.
Friday, April 08, 2011
Sodarshan Chakra Kriya
Greetings all,
For the past few weeks I have been working with Sodarshan Chakra Kriya which has been labeled as the highest meditation to do in Kundalini yoga. I tried it last year a few times and noticed nothing. I first tried it for 10 days and then months later for 30 days. I didn't feel very much so I never bothered to finish my 40 day discipline. I am starting it up again and for some reason, it actually seems to be bringing up stuff and has been intense emotionally.
I have been reading some people's experiences with this meditation and other meditations in general and there seems to be a lot of emotional stuff that comes up and gets processed and for some it would cause some depression if they did it too much.
These past 2 weeks have been hard for me, especially since I've been job searching for over 6 months and I am in some sense giving up. You can't put all this effort into something and get no payoff.
This week I have been feeling really heavy and I think it's the meditation. Last night was intense emotionally for me but I still feel some heaviness. I was posting on the forum how doing this can make you feel like you are crazy and sometimes you wonder if you are addicted to the negative emotions. But I think it can be hard to realize there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I know with other meditations I did, it was intense in the beginning and eventually calmness would be experienced and it wasn't always about feeling anger or sadness, etc.
I definitely felt myself resisting something and I just surrendered to it, although with great difficulty and reluctance.
I have to make sure I stay grounded so I do navel sets and might go back to doing nahbi kriya. I was doing various ones and it's important to do navel work so that it keeps you grounded but also helps to maintain the effects of meditation longer. I am cleaning my apartment today so that is good.
For the past few weeks I have been working with Sodarshan Chakra Kriya which has been labeled as the highest meditation to do in Kundalini yoga. I tried it last year a few times and noticed nothing. I first tried it for 10 days and then months later for 30 days. I didn't feel very much so I never bothered to finish my 40 day discipline. I am starting it up again and for some reason, it actually seems to be bringing up stuff and has been intense emotionally.
I have been reading some people's experiences with this meditation and other meditations in general and there seems to be a lot of emotional stuff that comes up and gets processed and for some it would cause some depression if they did it too much.
These past 2 weeks have been hard for me, especially since I've been job searching for over 6 months and I am in some sense giving up. You can't put all this effort into something and get no payoff.
This week I have been feeling really heavy and I think it's the meditation. Last night was intense emotionally for me but I still feel some heaviness. I was posting on the forum how doing this can make you feel like you are crazy and sometimes you wonder if you are addicted to the negative emotions. But I think it can be hard to realize there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I know with other meditations I did, it was intense in the beginning and eventually calmness would be experienced and it wasn't always about feeling anger or sadness, etc.
I definitely felt myself resisting something and I just surrendered to it, although with great difficulty and reluctance.
I have to make sure I stay grounded so I do navel sets and might go back to doing nahbi kriya. I was doing various ones and it's important to do navel work so that it keeps you grounded but also helps to maintain the effects of meditation longer. I am cleaning my apartment today so that is good.
Monday, April 04, 2011
Greetings all,
I had a group interview on Friday. I'm tired of job searching and I think if I don't get this job, I'm going to go back to school. Just fed of not finding anything. I have had more interviews and sent out more resumes then back in 2009 and it's just ridiculous. Not sure at this point if I would go to university or college. College might make it easier to get a job and I might potentially qualify for Second Career and get my schooling paid for. My only problem is that I have really nothing that I am drawn to. I would want to go take a program that the graduates are in demand. Too many schools just crank out diplomas to make money, not really paying attention that their students may not find work in their field.
If I go to university, there are many programs I could take. I just know comedy is something I am interested in but I don't see how going to school would be useful so I probably would take something like math or economics. I like psychology or environmental science. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I am not sure where I see myself.
The other option was to just take a crappy job like a waitress and pursue my comedy on the side. I think either way, I will pursue comedy because I think doing that makes me most happiest. I think to be a professional, I have to hustle more and I'm just not at that level and that might take time.
I hate my life sometimes. Damn karma!
I had a group interview on Friday. I'm tired of job searching and I think if I don't get this job, I'm going to go back to school. Just fed of not finding anything. I have had more interviews and sent out more resumes then back in 2009 and it's just ridiculous. Not sure at this point if I would go to university or college. College might make it easier to get a job and I might potentially qualify for Second Career and get my schooling paid for. My only problem is that I have really nothing that I am drawn to. I would want to go take a program that the graduates are in demand. Too many schools just crank out diplomas to make money, not really paying attention that their students may not find work in their field.
If I go to university, there are many programs I could take. I just know comedy is something I am interested in but I don't see how going to school would be useful so I probably would take something like math or economics. I like psychology or environmental science. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I am not sure where I see myself.
The other option was to just take a crappy job like a waitress and pursue my comedy on the side. I think either way, I will pursue comedy because I think doing that makes me most happiest. I think to be a professional, I have to hustle more and I'm just not at that level and that might take time.
I hate my life sometimes. Damn karma!
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