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Would you buy me if I were a doll?


How would I market myself? I would be an intellectual and a thinker. Direct and to the point Barbie. Twisted sense of humour Barbie. Keeps a messy apartment Barbie.

I was at some event called Elle Fashion event and this was one of the displays as they had a fashion show and vendors. Some of the fashion designers designed a type of outfit and accessories for Barbie. I can't remember why, maybe it was for charity or to celebrate an anniversary. They had this giant box, which you could pretend you're a Barbie.

But I think this Barbie would be most marketable:



I call this: Casual Wear Gangsta Barbie. She'll bust a cap in your ass, but you would never suspect her because she so don't look gangsta!

Moving On

Greetings all,

I had mentioned about my email I sent to this guy I was interested in last week. I figured I should have heard from him by this weekend but I didn't and that was it for me. I'm officially done with him and am no longer interested. I'm no longer wasting any mental or emotional energy on this situation.

I would think one would get back to someone within a week. If he thinks I will bug him for a response, he is mistaken.

I was a bit upset yesterday and I had thought that at least I did my best. If he chose to delete it or not read it, that's his problem. The situation is out of my control and I see no point in worrying over it. If he hasn't gotten back to me by now, then he's probably not the right man for me.

Relationships are 2-way streets and you can't expect only one person to be open and honest in the relationship. It takes two. For whatever unknown reason, he's not into me and while that hurts my feelings, I have to move on and find someone who will give me the love and care and honestly and all that other stuff when it comes to being in a relationship, that I deserve.

I truly believe with all my being that I will find the right man and that someone better will come along.

Onward and upward for me!

Review of Sinol, nasal spray for Allergies

Greetings all,

I started to have my seasonal allergies start up 2 weeks ago. I went to Hamilton and figured it was from my parent's cat as I stayed overnight. When I came back to Toronto, I was still sneezing and feeling stuffy the next day so I figured my seasonal allergies probably kicked in. It was pretty bad. Last year I only relied on my neti pot and it worked good enough.

Now I used my neti pot a few times and I use it occasionally during the rest of the year but that didn't help out my allergies. I decided to look for Naseleze, which was a product I tried a couple of years ago and liked but haven't needed to use it so I only had it for one year.

I went to a few health food stores in the area and couldn't find it. I wondered if they took it off the market or something because I would have thought I'd have found it. I wanted a naturopathic product and I saw a few at one place but I wanted to at least review them online so I just wrote down the names of them.

I ended up checking Zellers and actually found Sinol. Now I decided to buy it even though I saw a couple of other products at the health food store and wanted to research first before I made the investment. Maybe it was the attractive design of it that prompted me to just buy it.



It's a nice shade of blue isn't it? Baby blue, delicate and soothing.

I don't think the other products had the same design but maybe that's why I bought it. I ended up picking a winner. Hey, I did read the label and examined the product thoroughly before I bought it.

You are to spray each nostril 3-12 times a day. My first day I used it 9 times. I had decided to go to the washroom at work so that my coworkers wouldn't be offended by the snorting sound I would make as you have to inhale deeply into your nasal cavities. I personally wouldn't care what people thought, but you know, I have to be professional.

Each time I went to the bathroom, sometimes there was one person already in the stall so they wouldn't actually see what I was doing. They would just hear what I was doing and sometimes I would wonder if people thought I was doing drugs or something. And technically I was, but they were legal drugs!

One time the director of our department came in and I was snorting up and holding the product in my hand. So I felt a bit awkward about that.

Technically the product I was using is a homeopathic drug, although I think they only labeled that for legal reasons. It contains water, aloe, rosemary extract, sea salt, vitamin c and benzalkonium chloride. The active ingredient however is capsicum or the ingredient commonly found in red peppers.

So when you use it, there is a bit of a zing to it but it goes away quickly and it actually relieves the symptoms quickly. It's supposed to desensitize the mucous membrane and as a result makes them less irritated by stuff.

My headache from the allergies were pretty bad and it ended up taking a full day for the pain in my head to subside. I don't have to use it much and by my second day of using it, I only used 5 sprays and now I just use it twice a day.

I'm not sure how long I'll need to use it since I probably just experience symptoms for a month but the weather has been weird so hopefully by May I won't need to use.

I really enjoy using Sinol and recommend it.

Life Hurts

Greetings all,

This post will be depressing so I thought I'd give a heads up first.

I've mentioned that I've been into kundalini yoga for about a year and a half now. I used to do hatha and qigong and have always made it a point to have some sort of physical activity that is mindful and brings calm in my world.

I am doing a meditation discipline as mentioned called ganapati kriya and I have some dvds by this couple that brand themselves as Raviana. I've also practiced and learned from books so essentially I do my own home study and maybe would like to someday attend a class, although I do attend regular group meditations.

I've decided to do another discipline for a kriya called sat kriya. I've read that it's one of the most potent kriya to work with and it has been said this is one of the 3 Yogi Bhajan says one should do if all the meditations were lost and that should not be lost as a teaching.

It's been pretty intense at times and it's a nice compliment to the ganapati I'm working with. I'm building up my time and have started out with the minimum of 3 minutes. I got up to 11 minutes so now I am building up to 22 minutes. In kundalini yoga, they have certain times to build things up to and they are 3, 11, 22, 31 and 62 minutes. As well, if you decide to undergo a discipline, you have to commit to it for 40 days and cannot skip a day. So with my 2 disciplines, no matter what I do, I have to make sure I do it before I go to bed. I'm pretty disciplined so that's not an issue.

Anyways, it's been intense to work with sat kriya because I might do it for 2 days and feel relaxed and nothing really emotional comes up and then when I try it again, all sorts of emotional stuff comes up and it's just so damn painful and scary. It hurts so bad but I know it's for my own good, because in a sense I am cleaning out my subconscious and am dealing with stuff I've repressed, and possibly traumas from past lives. I'm still on the fence about past lives but I feel there's so much emotional stuff I've had to process, it's the only logical answer. I have had some frustrations in life but my life was not that traumatizing.

I know in the long run I am happier and don't get as angry at things and am less triggered and more secure with myself, however, some days are really depressing for me because sometimes really painful stuff comes up and it's hard to process. There are some days where I just want to slit my wrists and kill myself and just end this miserable experience called life. I know that I shouldn't and I've never attempted suicide but it's just really painful. It runs it's course and then I'm okay and eventually will again repeat this cycle but there are some days where I feel good and optimistic. But sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I normally don't like to tell people how I feel because I don't want to bring people down and I think as well, unless you have an active meditation practice like I do, you probably just wouldn't understand what I'm going through. So I do feel lonely at times about my own suffering.

The last time I felt this type of pain was in my early 20s when I was experiencing an existential crisis and it last for about 3 years and happened around 20-23. I'd experience these bursts of pain and turned to anthroposophy for my spiritual nourishment, which seemed to help. I figure I am going through another intense spiritual phase and I think it started around 28 so I think it will be over soon but I think it's for my own good.

This is why as well I don't believe in the theory of Positive Thinking. Because I think you have to penetrate into the subconscious level to create lasting change in an individual. I think if someone just thinks positive thoughts all day, it will just create superficial change and I would think it's treating the symptom and not the cause. I feel because I am clearing and dealing with these buried issues via meditation, I naturally have an easier time to maintain a positive attitude and it's not something I have to work hard to do, I'm working hard on the level to actually get to the root of the problem.

I Must Be Crazy!

Greetings all,

I had mentioned in a recent post, about my current dry love life and how I had decided I wasn't going to contact the 'english muffin' whom I've been frustrated with over.

I have to admit that I like this guy so much, that I actually did a flow chart about whether I should email him or not. A FLOWCHART!!

I think a week earlier I had mentioned I wrote out an email, which I had no intention of sending, and I tossed it mainly since I was still angry and was not expressing that in an adult manner as it was tinged with some frustration. I decided to write something more dignified, which acknowledged the situation but was not conveying neediness or frustration.

In my flow chart, I basically attributed this status update to be what triggered the ignoringness so I was listing the possible reasons for why it occurred, and I came up with misinterpretation or his own insecurity or a form of passive aggressive. I had thought it would be justified to contact him if it was for the former but I wrote out the risks for the later as if he is insecure, this is going to cause problems down the line.

I can't believe I did a flow chart...

Anyways, I spoke with one of my male coworkers, asking how he would interpret the status and his mind thought it was dirty too.

I had emailed him yesterday afternoon and I don't care if I hear from him or not (I would like to hear from him, but I really have to not be attached).

I have thought that if someone wrote me a note like that, I probably would acknowledge it right away, but being he is a man and he basically ignored me for no legitimate reason and it was merely a misinterpretation issue, I figure he is going to mull this over, since guys don't like to admit too easily when they make a mistake.

I still can't believe I did a flow chart....
the things I do for love!

I figured as well though, if he ignored me and was offended by this status, it probably means he likes me, otherwise it wouldn't have bothered him.

Anyways, he has reasons to be a little mistrustful towards me. He was in the process of 'making the kill' and then I say this and he takes it the wrong way (I am assuming that this update is what triggering the lack of conversation between us). we've been doing this on again/off again nonesense and the last time we stopped talking, because I was getting frustrated with not having him visit or things get clearly labeled (i.e. him calling me his girlfriend). Way back when after we had experienced another period of not talking and we became friends again on facebook, one of my status updates was that I have a hot date, again me wanting to push him to want to label me as his girlfriend and to hurry it up because some other man will claim me. That seemed to work against me!

So yes, I think I have to admit things have not been progressing as smoothly with him as I would have liked. I figured I maybe should extend some sort of olive branch. I think this could work. He is probably one of few people that when I talk to him, I never feel bored and I always smile.

I'm just trying to learn my lessons and do what I think is right.

a flow chart!!!
I am crazy!

Making the Right Decisions

Greetings all,

I had started wondering if making decisions was an issue for me because there are times when I feel I am indecisive and unclear about what to do next. So I had thought that maybe I'll take out a book on Decision theory, which I managed to find.

I am up to Chapter 6 of a book with 13 chapters and I can already tell I probably will not like the rest of this. The book is called "The Right Decision" by James Stein, PhD. He is a math professor.

So he starts out by saying that people who are successful typically make good decisions in life so it makes sense to strengthen this faculty in yourself so that you can make better decisions. He constructs these quizzes and gives you points on which answer you give. Obviously, the best decision is the one with the most points.

He's used some examples from history to create the quizzes from. I liked taking the quizzes because I'm a nerd so taking quizzes makes me feel smart. Some of the questions, I chose the best answer and if you choose the best answer, it's worth 5 points. Second best choice can be worth 1-3 points and the worst choice is worth -1 to 1. Some questions I didn't make the right choice but I didn't agree with his line of thinking and I actually think I made the right decision, inspite of what he thought was the right decision.

He is a critic of Malcolm Gladwell's book The Power of Thinking Without Thinking and he briefly mentions that people don't like thinking because it's hard work so that's probably why the above book was so popular (or maybe he's just jealous of MG?). I totally agree with this since thinking does require effort and it's important to use this thinking muscle and push it. I'm sure most of my readers know that I am into philosophy, particularly the philosophy known as Anthroposophy and I think reading some of these books have really trained my thinking faculty so I think I can probably out think most people. But I have to be in the mood, because sometimes I just can't be bothered to tear apart people's faulty belief structures. Mainly because it would take some time and I'd probably have to care... and frankly I could think of better ways to spend my time.

One of the questions is based on history and is about Christopher Columbus and in this question, you are the queen of Spain and it asks if you should fund him. Logically it would not be a good decision to go with this suggestion of this man who wants to sail to Asia, especially since at that time people thought the world was flat and it was a crazy notion. The correct decision according to the quiz was to turn him down. However the reality of history was that the Queen did say yes and well we all know what happened from there. America was discovered, yada yada yada...

I think his whole book loses credibility because he himself says sometimes the wrong decisions, lead to the right results. So then working on my decision making skills is not really going to help me?

Who knew what the hell the Queen of Spain was thinking and what made her decide to think this whole Columbus voyage could work out.

Since I haven't read the rest of the book, I skimmed through the remaining and it doesn't look like he's going to explain this issue of why sometimes illogical decisions can be good decisions.

I think his book loses all its value because he's just contradicted himself. You can't say successful people make successful decisions because in the above case, success occurred with a bad decision. There are countless other examples in history where people are trying to discover one thing and accidentally discover something else. So making the 'right' decisions, which really are logical decisions, do not necessarily lead to success.

I got this book from the library so I don't actually own it. Which I think was a good decision.

This is Me. Take it or Leave it!

Greetings all,

This entry I will be discussing my romantic life, or really the lack of it. Anyways, I had mentioned back in September how I had decided to stop all communication with the guy I was into who was living in england.

I finished rereading that entry and I did not mention why he was ignoring me. I am pretty sure he was upset at one of my facebook status'. I wrote for an update 'my inner thighs are really sore'.

Okay now my thighs were sore because the night before I was working out with a new kundalini yoga dvd and it was quite challenging and it really worked my inner thighs. They literally were really sore! Being that I have a dirty mind and a twisted sense of humour, I came up with this status in the morning. I didn't think much of it and thought it was funny. I came up with another status the next day saying I drink expired milk. Which was true since I don't use milk often and usually I will keep it for a few days past the expiry date since its still good for the most part and I don't believe in wasting food and the milk that day I was drinking was expired. He commented on this status and not the inner thigh one, which means he most likely read the inner thigh status.

I think it was around this time that he actually starting to ignore me. Eventually I started to think that maybe he took my status the wrong way and assumed my inner thighs were sore from having sex - which was far from the truth since at that time, I didn't have sex in such a long time that I don't even want to mention it! And the truth is that the less sex I have, the more dirtier my updates get! I wasn't sure what to do so then I decided to write the same type of status but to add that my thighs were sore from exercise. I did that and still did not hear from him.

And then back in September I decided that if he's going to ignore me, I just won't deal with him and so I removed him as my youtube friend, facebook friend and I deleted my skype account and all the emails we exchanged that I had kept in a separate folder.

I was hoping maybe things would have worked out between us because I think there may have been something worth pursuing. I have been pining for him on and off but I had some personal issues to sort through and I just decided to focus on my own happiness and peace of mind because dealing with a long distance situation is just too frustrating for me.

I had a wave where I wasn't really thinking much about him but then in March I had been thinking about him again. I made a list of his pros and cons and I thought he had more pros then cons. I started to write an email, I didn't plan to send it to him but just to write my feelings and wanting to clarify that I'm assuming my status about my inner thighs were sore was why he ignored me.

I felt in the email like I was chasing after him and I just saved the email. I deleted it the next day and wrote as my facebook status that 'I bow to no cock, dick or testicle. Feminine power forever!'

I'm not going to chase after a man. I want a mature man who can understand who I am. I am not going to compromise my sense of humour for anyone. I am who I am. I have a dirty mind and if you don't like it, too bad. If you don't like me, get lost because I'm not interested! I'm only going to change because it comes from within me, because I want to, not because some man is overly sensitive. I will not change for anyone and will be true to myself always and put myself first!

I want to be fully accepted for who I am and I'm sure in time I will find the right man who will appreciate me for the wonderful person that I am!

When I had my first boyfriend at 19, at some point he kept saying that the relationship wasn't working out because of me, I had trust issues and didn't listen to him, etc. None of this was true and I was and am a good person to get along with. He was a mind fucker and I vowed to never be in that type of mentally abusive situation ever. And that was really the only time I experienced that. I have dated some guys. Most were decent, although they weren't right for me.

This situation with Daniel was a bit similar because I think being British, maybe he was too uptight and I am not willing to be with someone who I feel I have to walk on eggshells. If he's so insecure with himself and can't take a joke then I don't want him! We've known each other long enough, he should know by now my sense of humour.

I want to be free to be who I am. Weird, funny, brilliant, horny and compassionate!

I deserve better and expect to be accepted for who I am.

This Ain't Art Asshole!

Greetings all,

I had went to the Art Gallery of Ontario (AGO) last Sunday as I had went to see the King Tut exhibit. I went with a friend and we had a chance to see other exhibits. I saw this one piece of 'art' and I was just irritated. We were on the modern artists floor and generally I hate that sort of stuff because what many of these modern 'artists' create is not real art. It's shit. Bullshit. I'm no art connoisseur but I can appreciate art and I know good art when I see it! This was not good art.

This is the piece that really pissed me off:



Here is the description of what the artist intended to do with this creation:



Okay, now I agree with the concept. I totally get it. The sink fascinates you and you want to express that artistically. I get that, I really do. What a great concept!

The 'art' he created is not true art. Art by definition involves being creative. Being creative usually involves imagination and imagination involves taking something that exists and transforming it into something different.

All this lazy asshole did was get some giant board, crazy glued a sink to it and spray painted some black around it. That is not being creative. That's just what we call another day at Home Depot!

If he had say destroyed a sink and then made a mosaic out of the broken pieces, then yeah I'd say, that's some interesting shit. But you can't take an object and glue it on something and claim it's art. It's not!

No transformation had taken place with this piece.

Back to the drawing board Jim!