I have been really feeling drawn to the colour green these past few months. I bought myself a green top and have green runners. Blue was one of my favourite colours but I now am just smitten with green. The green of the trees and of plants and grass. It is so rich and wonderful.
I have been searching on google to see the symbolic meanings for the colour and came across this colour test. I didn't care for it much but I'll post it anyways. My comments are italicized.
Paula's Existing Situation
Active, outgoing, and restless. Feels frustrated by the slowness with which events develop along the desired lines. This leads to irritability, changeability, and lack of persistence when pursuing a given objective.
Irritable? Fuck you I ain't no.... you know you have such lovely eyes. Do you have any chocolate?
Paula's Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.
Look I just have an unsatisfied need for power and status. I just want to rule and dominate the world and control people. I don't care for having standards for myself, I would rather seek to enforce unattainable standards for the ignorant and the not-absorbed-with-Paula- people.
Paula's Restrained Characteristics
Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Not true. I put out on the second date. And I pretend in a very convincing manner that I am enjoying myself.
Conditions are such that she will not let herself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.
Paula's Desired Objective
Seeks the determination and elasticity of will necessary to establish herself and to make herself independent despite the difficulties of her situation. Wants to overcome opposition and achieve recognition.
It would have been more simpler to say that I seek global domination and the relentless adoration of millions.
Paula's Actual Problem
Afraid that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants and therefore demands that others should recognize her right to them.
That's funny...that I'm afraid of not achieving things I want. I am fabulous. How can I not follow through on my plans for global domination?
Paula's Actual Problem #2
Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards.
I agree whole-cold-heartedly. Respect me people. Value me.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Chi-ified
Greetings and Salutations Fellow Biological Misfits,
I had a good weekend. I took this intensive qigong workshop in Etobicoke. It was 3 days and the total instruction time was about 15 hours. It was a Tibetan Solar qigong. I wasn't sure how to integrate this new qigong into my life. There are 2 levels and the first one should be done for about 3 months before you practice the second one as the second one requires you to build up your energy. I had to think about what my intention would be for this and I did come up with a clear intention so it will make it easier for me to motivate since I have my purpose in mind.
I already am doing enough meditatively and spiritually. I am interested in my mantra work and I don't want anything to take away my focus on that. I think I can devote the proper time and effort to practicing this particular qigong.
I stayed at a hotel on Friday night because the workshop ended at 10 and the Saturday workshop started at 7 am and I thought it would be easier for me to do so. I ended up getting off work an hour extra. I made good use of the whirlpool prior to my workshop and I made an even better use of the whirlpool after the workshop. I had fun with the jets. You know not ordinary fun like using it to destress my tense muscles. I had sexual fun.
My parents have left for Italy today for their pilgrimage. I have 3 brothers and my one brother has his own place. He used to live in a house 2 blocks from us but he sold it and now lives in an apartment that is further away from here. He comes over several nights a week to watch television. He has a small tv but only has basic cable. He would come over several times a week and at one point was experiencing some serious mental/emotional problems that resulted in him not being allowed over. He is better now but has wormed his way back into watching tv.
My brother is stupid and I don't like him very much. He has been diagnosed with depression and has medicine. I don't know if that's even a good diagnosis because he harbours a great deal of anger within and being on medicine I think doesn't really solve his problems. I think it is just a blanket solution, never really getting to the core of the issue. I think he has emotional problems because he simple doesn't want to experience his emotions. I seriously believe that people can make themselves sick and disturbed, particularly if they do not learn how to express their emotions and work with that energy in a positive way.
Now that my parents are gone for 2 weeks, I don't want him here. The last time they went away, he would come over and watch tv. It's just not normal. And I'm not talking about not normal in the sense that he might kill someone, but it's just not normal that he has this dependent relation with my parents. He's 39 years old I might add and is unemployed and has been so since November or December 2004. My parents are typical old fashioned Italians so they want to help their kids out but sometimes they need to be tougher and more assertive.
My mother said he was only allowed to come over for 2 days and tonight he wanted to come over for football. He also planned on coming over Friday and Saturday but I told him she said he's only allowed 2 nights. So now he's disputing this with me. We argue like children and it's ridiculous. He seems to be under the impression that he can come whenever he wants. My mother should be calling tonight and he wants her to straigthen it out.
It doesn't matter what she says because he usually ends up doing whatever he wants. He just doesn't listen.
If my parents had a more extensive social network, then maybe they would realize that how they let my brother come over to watch tv is not normal and maybe they'll realize that they are not heartless if they tell him that they don't want him to just come over and watch tv.
I can go on and on about the dysfunction of my one brother and why I don't like him but the tale might be too depressing.
I want to move out soon. I will but it depends on what happens with my new job. I'm still in that probation stage which is for 3 months so that means for sure next January or February I'll feel more comfortable moving out. I am thinking of getting a condo or a house where I can have roommates. I don't like the idea of giving rent money to someone. It's like making someone else rich and at least if I own my property, I won't feel like I'm throwing my money away. On the other hand I can start out with an apartment, just for the sake of getting out of the house. My parents drive me batty sometimes.
I feel a bit stupid/embarassed because I still live with my parents. But I don't believe in living with someone and most people just end up living with a partner, never really learning how to be self-sufficient. I could be like most young women my age(and younger) who move out of their parents home and move in with a boyfriend. But that's not my style and I want to be on my own for a while or have a roommate before I decide to move in with a boyfriend (I don't have one but I still wouldn't move in with him if I did).
I had a good weekend. I took this intensive qigong workshop in Etobicoke. It was 3 days and the total instruction time was about 15 hours. It was a Tibetan Solar qigong. I wasn't sure how to integrate this new qigong into my life. There are 2 levels and the first one should be done for about 3 months before you practice the second one as the second one requires you to build up your energy. I had to think about what my intention would be for this and I did come up with a clear intention so it will make it easier for me to motivate since I have my purpose in mind.
I already am doing enough meditatively and spiritually. I am interested in my mantra work and I don't want anything to take away my focus on that. I think I can devote the proper time and effort to practicing this particular qigong.
I stayed at a hotel on Friday night because the workshop ended at 10 and the Saturday workshop started at 7 am and I thought it would be easier for me to do so. I ended up getting off work an hour extra. I made good use of the whirlpool prior to my workshop and I made an even better use of the whirlpool after the workshop. I had fun with the jets. You know not ordinary fun like using it to destress my tense muscles. I had sexual fun.
My parents have left for Italy today for their pilgrimage. I have 3 brothers and my one brother has his own place. He used to live in a house 2 blocks from us but he sold it and now lives in an apartment that is further away from here. He comes over several nights a week to watch television. He has a small tv but only has basic cable. He would come over several times a week and at one point was experiencing some serious mental/emotional problems that resulted in him not being allowed over. He is better now but has wormed his way back into watching tv.
My brother is stupid and I don't like him very much. He has been diagnosed with depression and has medicine. I don't know if that's even a good diagnosis because he harbours a great deal of anger within and being on medicine I think doesn't really solve his problems. I think it is just a blanket solution, never really getting to the core of the issue. I think he has emotional problems because he simple doesn't want to experience his emotions. I seriously believe that people can make themselves sick and disturbed, particularly if they do not learn how to express their emotions and work with that energy in a positive way.
Now that my parents are gone for 2 weeks, I don't want him here. The last time they went away, he would come over and watch tv. It's just not normal. And I'm not talking about not normal in the sense that he might kill someone, but it's just not normal that he has this dependent relation with my parents. He's 39 years old I might add and is unemployed and has been so since November or December 2004. My parents are typical old fashioned Italians so they want to help their kids out but sometimes they need to be tougher and more assertive.
My mother said he was only allowed to come over for 2 days and tonight he wanted to come over for football. He also planned on coming over Friday and Saturday but I told him she said he's only allowed 2 nights. So now he's disputing this with me. We argue like children and it's ridiculous. He seems to be under the impression that he can come whenever he wants. My mother should be calling tonight and he wants her to straigthen it out.
It doesn't matter what she says because he usually ends up doing whatever he wants. He just doesn't listen.
If my parents had a more extensive social network, then maybe they would realize that how they let my brother come over to watch tv is not normal and maybe they'll realize that they are not heartless if they tell him that they don't want him to just come over and watch tv.
I can go on and on about the dysfunction of my one brother and why I don't like him but the tale might be too depressing.
I want to move out soon. I will but it depends on what happens with my new job. I'm still in that probation stage which is for 3 months so that means for sure next January or February I'll feel more comfortable moving out. I am thinking of getting a condo or a house where I can have roommates. I don't like the idea of giving rent money to someone. It's like making someone else rich and at least if I own my property, I won't feel like I'm throwing my money away. On the other hand I can start out with an apartment, just for the sake of getting out of the house. My parents drive me batty sometimes.
I feel a bit stupid/embarassed because I still live with my parents. But I don't believe in living with someone and most people just end up living with a partner, never really learning how to be self-sufficient. I could be like most young women my age(and younger) who move out of their parents home and move in with a boyfriend. But that's not my style and I want to be on my own for a while or have a roommate before I decide to move in with a boyfriend (I don't have one but I still wouldn't move in with him if I did).
Friday, September 15, 2006
So I found out on google that Hawksley Workman is gay. I thought he was because my gaydar was slightly going off. Well at least I never have to worry about dating a man who is gay and is hiding it, thanks to my trusty gaydar.
My best friend in high school dated a guy for 4 years in high school and he told her he was gay either when they broke up or afterwards. I knew he was gay the first time I met him. He didn't treat her well either but I guess she tolerated it because she was so desperate to be in a relationship.
Gaydar (i.e. the ability to identify homosexuals) should be biologically studied. Maybe gay people emit some pheromone that is different from straight people.
My parents will be going on a pilgrimage to Rome with the church (they are Catholics)at the end of the month for 2 weeks. There is an itenerary and they haven't received more specific details on what they will be doing. We were at Red Lobster for dinner tonight and I asked my parents what they will be doing there. My mother said that 2 bishops and a priest are also going with the group for this pilgrimage tour. They will get to attend a mass at the Vatican. My mother said that they will get to visit churches and stay at a monastary. I asked her if you're allowed to have sex at the monastary. I think I would totatly love to have sex at that sort of environment. It would be kinky. Maybe even a gang-bang if I felt more adventerous! She didn't give me an answer but I think it's an important question. Because we all know ideally the priests that stay there shouldn't but if you are a guest and are married... then I think you would have some sort of obligation to be fruitful and mulitple.
I think it would be fun to be conceived in a monastary. It can be the new trend. Monastary sex.
They'll start making bumper stickers that say "I was conceived in a monastary" or "Conceived in the house of the Lord".
I went to a Catholic school and basically was forced by my mother to attend mass up to the age of 17 or 18. I think around 14 I started questioning everything about the church and I started to see it as an unnecessary stage in my spiritual development. I always liked Jesus and the stories that I learned about him. I thought Jesus was someone I would like to be like because he was not judgmental and was compassionate. Everything else about religion and church didn't seem to matter. I didn't get the whole repetative nature of mass. I liked the homilies somewhat(i.e. when the priest spoke) but I thought it would be more interesting if we all could discuss our issues and struggles. My mother would motivate me to go to church by letting me use the car if I went. I would only go so I could get the car. Every Sunday I had to fight and argue with her about how I didn't want to go. It was awful and I just wish she would understand. She still wishes I would go to church but I don't understand her fixation on going to church.
I always thought Jesus was the type of guy who had a good sense of humour. Even though I might make Jesus jokes or religious jokes that may have not been found 'acceptable' to others, I always thought that at least Jesus would understand because he probably knew that my intention wasn't malicious and he probably would appreciate my mischieveous and twisted sense of humour.
My study of Anthroposophy is a Christ centered philsophy. However, many of Steiner's work do not necessarily discuss Christianity, for example his works on social issues and his Philosophy of Freedom. He does talk about spiritual beings and personalities such as Buddha and the Christ. My study group has decided to read Christianity as Mystical Fact and then we will read the book that I suggested, The Renewal of the Social Organism.
Steiner's ideas on spiritual beings, particularly about the Christ, strike a particular cord in me. I feel a deep and intimate connection about what he has to say about the Christ. It's a little bit different from what is traditionally taught. He discusses the impulse that Christ brings to the earth and for me it makes sense in a way that is hard to describe.
Christianity as Mystical Fact was the second Steiner book I read way back when I first started studying Anthroposophy. I took a bunch of books out from the library as my boyfriend at the time thought I might be interested in Steiner's spiritual philosophy. CMF is considered a basic book but I really don't think it should be. I read through it and thought about how stupid this Steiner guy is. It wasn't until I read Theosophy that I really started to understand where he was coming from. My group read about 8-10 pages on Sunday and I had a much better appreciation of this book.
My best friend in high school dated a guy for 4 years in high school and he told her he was gay either when they broke up or afterwards. I knew he was gay the first time I met him. He didn't treat her well either but I guess she tolerated it because she was so desperate to be in a relationship.
Gaydar (i.e. the ability to identify homosexuals) should be biologically studied. Maybe gay people emit some pheromone that is different from straight people.
My parents will be going on a pilgrimage to Rome with the church (they are Catholics)at the end of the month for 2 weeks. There is an itenerary and they haven't received more specific details on what they will be doing. We were at Red Lobster for dinner tonight and I asked my parents what they will be doing there. My mother said that 2 bishops and a priest are also going with the group for this pilgrimage tour. They will get to attend a mass at the Vatican. My mother said that they will get to visit churches and stay at a monastary. I asked her if you're allowed to have sex at the monastary. I think I would totatly love to have sex at that sort of environment. It would be kinky. Maybe even a gang-bang if I felt more adventerous! She didn't give me an answer but I think it's an important question. Because we all know ideally the priests that stay there shouldn't but if you are a guest and are married... then I think you would have some sort of obligation to be fruitful and mulitple.
I think it would be fun to be conceived in a monastary. It can be the new trend. Monastary sex.
They'll start making bumper stickers that say "I was conceived in a monastary" or "Conceived in the house of the Lord".
I went to a Catholic school and basically was forced by my mother to attend mass up to the age of 17 or 18. I think around 14 I started questioning everything about the church and I started to see it as an unnecessary stage in my spiritual development. I always liked Jesus and the stories that I learned about him. I thought Jesus was someone I would like to be like because he was not judgmental and was compassionate. Everything else about religion and church didn't seem to matter. I didn't get the whole repetative nature of mass. I liked the homilies somewhat(i.e. when the priest spoke) but I thought it would be more interesting if we all could discuss our issues and struggles. My mother would motivate me to go to church by letting me use the car if I went. I would only go so I could get the car. Every Sunday I had to fight and argue with her about how I didn't want to go. It was awful and I just wish she would understand. She still wishes I would go to church but I don't understand her fixation on going to church.
I always thought Jesus was the type of guy who had a good sense of humour. Even though I might make Jesus jokes or religious jokes that may have not been found 'acceptable' to others, I always thought that at least Jesus would understand because he probably knew that my intention wasn't malicious and he probably would appreciate my mischieveous and twisted sense of humour.
My study of Anthroposophy is a Christ centered philsophy. However, many of Steiner's work do not necessarily discuss Christianity, for example his works on social issues and his Philosophy of Freedom. He does talk about spiritual beings and personalities such as Buddha and the Christ. My study group has decided to read Christianity as Mystical Fact and then we will read the book that I suggested, The Renewal of the Social Organism.
Steiner's ideas on spiritual beings, particularly about the Christ, strike a particular cord in me. I feel a deep and intimate connection about what he has to say about the Christ. It's a little bit different from what is traditionally taught. He discusses the impulse that Christ brings to the earth and for me it makes sense in a way that is hard to describe.
Christianity as Mystical Fact was the second Steiner book I read way back when I first started studying Anthroposophy. I took a bunch of books out from the library as my boyfriend at the time thought I might be interested in Steiner's spiritual philosophy. CMF is considered a basic book but I really don't think it should be. I read through it and thought about how stupid this Steiner guy is. It wasn't until I read Theosophy that I really started to understand where he was coming from. My group read about 8-10 pages on Sunday and I had a much better appreciation of this book.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
I got my new laptop on Friday and have finally decided to use it. I had to figure out how to get my internet going because I still use a dial-up service. I'm going to have to transfer my files from my old computer to my new one later on. I have a wide screen which is a little weird for me.
I've been surfing for a hostel to stay near the Toronto airport as I'll be taking this qigong workshop in the Toronto area in a couple of weeks and the schedule is Friday 7.30 to 10 pm, Saturday and Sunday 7.30 - 10 am and I figure I'm better off staying close by for the Friday night since it starts so early. I've been searching for a while since I don't really want to spend much. I was starting to get irritated about my lack of hostel prospects as I was getting sucked into this internet void. I began to think about the tasks that I need to do in the real world and then I realized that I haven't masterbated in a couple of weeks.
That's so unlike me. I usually do so once a week. And to think I can't remember when was the last time I satisfied myself.
Sad really.
I saw one of my favourite performers this Thursday night at The Underground. I saw Hawksley Workman and the Wolves. I saw him in Yellowknife a couple of years ago at a music festival. I wanted to yell out to him on Thursday if he remembered me from Yellowknife. During one of his performances in Yellowknife, some of us got up to dance near the front of the stage. I was pretty close to him and would make eye contact and I think we had a brief moment where we connected. I really felt like we had a moment, brief and fleeting, but a moment nonetheless.
The Underground was a standing room venue with a small seating area at the back. I was in the second row behind some short girls so when it was time for Hawksley to perform, I had a good view. During the middle of his performance some ignorant ho pushed her way through the small crowd and managed to push me aside a bit to my left. I was standing next to some tall guy and there was probably a small gap between us. I didn't appreciate her being so ignorant. I was totally absorbed in the music and performance. She was bouncing around like some drunkin' Slavic bimbo. She was starting to annoy me. I decided to not let this Slavic whore ruin my Hawksley experience and she ended up leaving the area.
I don't find myself attracted to Hawksley. I don't know if he's gay or bi but he is a bit flamboyant as a performer. I'm usually good at spotting homosexuals but somehow my gaydar does not know what to make of him. He was actually cute in Thursday's show. He normally seems pale and white but he was tanned and had a hat on.
Some of my friends and I had a gathering for a friend who was going to be leaving us for Yellowknife soon. A bunch of people from my high school were there and we were going through the yearbooks. I hated highschool. It was ackward and it took a while for me to feel comfortable and to feel some sort of social confidence among my peers. I have met people who say they liked high school. What was there to like?
Grade 9 was awful because I got picked on by these 2 girls who I basically felt bullied by. They made me uncomfortable throughout my whole high school years. I got teased by a couple of other people as well. I had glasses and didn't seem confident making me a prime target. They were a year older then me. One was in my drama class and the other in my english.
There are more stories of my sucky experience in highschool but I've moved on in my life and I don't care to explore my past. I think I've learned what I needed to learn from that time.
I starting reading Steiner's lecture book called Secret Brotherhoods. The lectures are unusally long and I don't know why. My study group will be meeting tonight and we haven't for about 3 weeks. We haven't decided what to read.
I finished another 40 day mantra discipline on September 3. This was the first time that I forced myself to just stick with one mantra. I had so many objectives but it can dilute the process if you do multiple mantras, unless they pertain to the same issue. I achieved my objection around day 34 and so had to continue with it anyways. The discipline lost much of its intensity after I achieved my objective but obviously you have to complete the discipline. I started another one on the 7th. I wrote out my objective. I wanted to use this mantra while I was doing the other one. I learned it while I was doing the other one but I didn't commit myself to a discipline. I enjoy saying it. It's a bit long but I like it.
I've been surfing for a hostel to stay near the Toronto airport as I'll be taking this qigong workshop in the Toronto area in a couple of weeks and the schedule is Friday 7.30 to 10 pm, Saturday and Sunday 7.30 - 10 am and I figure I'm better off staying close by for the Friday night since it starts so early. I've been searching for a while since I don't really want to spend much. I was starting to get irritated about my lack of hostel prospects as I was getting sucked into this internet void. I began to think about the tasks that I need to do in the real world and then I realized that I haven't masterbated in a couple of weeks.
That's so unlike me. I usually do so once a week. And to think I can't remember when was the last time I satisfied myself.
Sad really.
I saw one of my favourite performers this Thursday night at The Underground. I saw Hawksley Workman and the Wolves. I saw him in Yellowknife a couple of years ago at a music festival. I wanted to yell out to him on Thursday if he remembered me from Yellowknife. During one of his performances in Yellowknife, some of us got up to dance near the front of the stage. I was pretty close to him and would make eye contact and I think we had a brief moment where we connected. I really felt like we had a moment, brief and fleeting, but a moment nonetheless.
The Underground was a standing room venue with a small seating area at the back. I was in the second row behind some short girls so when it was time for Hawksley to perform, I had a good view. During the middle of his performance some ignorant ho pushed her way through the small crowd and managed to push me aside a bit to my left. I was standing next to some tall guy and there was probably a small gap between us. I didn't appreciate her being so ignorant. I was totally absorbed in the music and performance. She was bouncing around like some drunkin' Slavic bimbo. She was starting to annoy me. I decided to not let this Slavic whore ruin my Hawksley experience and she ended up leaving the area.
I don't find myself attracted to Hawksley. I don't know if he's gay or bi but he is a bit flamboyant as a performer. I'm usually good at spotting homosexuals but somehow my gaydar does not know what to make of him. He was actually cute in Thursday's show. He normally seems pale and white but he was tanned and had a hat on.
Some of my friends and I had a gathering for a friend who was going to be leaving us for Yellowknife soon. A bunch of people from my high school were there and we were going through the yearbooks. I hated highschool. It was ackward and it took a while for me to feel comfortable and to feel some sort of social confidence among my peers. I have met people who say they liked high school. What was there to like?
Grade 9 was awful because I got picked on by these 2 girls who I basically felt bullied by. They made me uncomfortable throughout my whole high school years. I got teased by a couple of other people as well. I had glasses and didn't seem confident making me a prime target. They were a year older then me. One was in my drama class and the other in my english.
There are more stories of my sucky experience in highschool but I've moved on in my life and I don't care to explore my past. I think I've learned what I needed to learn from that time.
I starting reading Steiner's lecture book called Secret Brotherhoods. The lectures are unusally long and I don't know why. My study group will be meeting tonight and we haven't for about 3 weeks. We haven't decided what to read.
I finished another 40 day mantra discipline on September 3. This was the first time that I forced myself to just stick with one mantra. I had so many objectives but it can dilute the process if you do multiple mantras, unless they pertain to the same issue. I achieved my objection around day 34 and so had to continue with it anyways. The discipline lost much of its intensity after I achieved my objective but obviously you have to complete the discipline. I started another one on the 7th. I wrote out my objective. I wanted to use this mantra while I was doing the other one. I learned it while I was doing the other one but I didn't commit myself to a discipline. I enjoy saying it. It's a bit long but I like it.
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