My Bound Lotus 1000 day discipline sadly has come to an end and I did not manage to do the 1000 days. I started doing it about 2 days ago. I started it May 13, 2013 so that was about 8 months worth of practice. For the past few weeks, I just wasn't feeling it anymore with it and was craving something else. I am not sure if I will attempt another 1000 day discipline. It wasn't easy for me to decide to end it but I felt it wasn't meeting my needs at the moment.
Currently I have gone back to doing qigong. I did various qigong styles before I got into kundalini yoga and decided to practice it again. I took an eye qigong workshop years ago by Grandmaster Wu but he passed away and he passed on his qigong to his pupil, Teresa so now she has her own web site and markets herself as Wu and Yeung qigong. I've been on their mailing list for years but never went to any of their classes. She recently ran classes to clear out negative energies and I went to that and felt it brought up some stuff. I was pretty angry and irritable for a couple of days but then felt better.
I took her beginner workshop a few weeks ago and now am regularly practicing her style but also learning other styles/movements.
I feel too that it is difficult for me to continue with my kundalini practice because my room doesn't have much space but also because I feel I need more gentle movement. Maybe it's the winter, which is very difficult for me to deal with, that makes me yearn for more gentleness in my life because the winters here are too harsh for me. Hopefully one day I will move to California or be a snow bird and spend the winter months traveling.
I've also lost some of my interest in chanting. I used to chant Sanskrit mantras on my own for years and then started to do more chanting with the kundalini mantras and doing a few monthly chants at the ashram like the Guru Ram Das mantra or the Adi Shakti mantra. I feel I want a break from it. I wasn't heavily into chanting with kundalini mantras but would try to go more regularly at the ashram. I took a bit of a break when I wasn't living in Toronto.
I think for me, I want to chant and have tangible benefits in my life. I just wasn't feeling like I was getting them. I know when I stopped doing sanskrit chanting, I strongly felt like I wanted tangible benefits. They had mantras for prosperity or good luck or for a husband but none of these things manifested for me.I might have blogged about it but for years I was doing various disciplines and felt it just made my life more chaotic.
I may go back into chanting but for now, I'm just not getting what I want out of it and I wonder why continue doing it if I don't feel like I am getting any benefits from it?
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Recently I wrote about how someone from the Introvert cult contacted me. I have hung out with this person a few times and at first I had a lot of doubts about it because I wasn't sure if she was reporting back to the group or trying to convert me or whatever. My one friend thinks she just probably wants a friend and that if she had ulterior motives, I would know about it.
The unfortunate thing is that she has invited me a couple of times to go to a movie with her boyfriend, the 'Vice President' and one who got this whole BS started. She also invited me to hang out with the introvert cult for New Years but I already had plans. I did text her that I wasn't wanting to be around Mike and Aimee since they make me very uncomfortable. I really haven't explained to her the whole details about what happened because she doesn't know about how Mike McLeod cheated on me with Aimee Buxton or how Aimee Buxton told a newly appointed Event Organizer that I was brain washing her (not true by the way). She doesn't know how when I approached Lynn Chackery to talk about how I felt, she didn't hear my side of the story and yet already had an opinion that I was 'wrong' as apparently someone in the group was gossiping about me and probably making me look like I was the bad guy when in reality I was expressing how I felt unappreciated and disrespected and didn't find their insider joke funny.
I didn't want to bring up the past with her and relive all the pain but she does need to know why I refuse to associate with these bullies.
I did go out shopping with her for a few hours and her boyfriend joined us in the last hour but I didn't have much of a choice. I couldn't stand being around him, even though I think we both were trying to be on our best behaviour. Maybe because he's Sicilian. I just can't stand him. The next morning I just felt gross about being around him. You know how some people just make you feel gross because their shit is bringing you down? That's what it was like with him. He's not a happy person. He's cocky but his cockiness comes from the fact that he's still a baby and is insecure and unhappy deep down. He is not a mature, responsible man. He still lives with his father (a healthy one I may add). Any one that is over 35 and still living with his parents, needs a reality check.
I had this conversation with my friend about it and she was like 'oh you can't judge people'. Well I am. To me there is no reason to live with your parents unless they are sick and require your help. In his case, his dad is healthy so this is not the reason why he lives with his family. Temporarily, sure I can understand. I did it briefly but I wanted to get the heck out. I think I left when I was 27. All adults should be out of the house by 30. That's my opinion and unless you have experienced being on your own, you are still a baby. Her boyfriend Joseph, is still a baby in my eyes. I don't care if he's worked and can cook. If he was a real adult, he'd have his own place and work.
I just find him to be a downer and uptight. Yes life is tough but there's no need to put on this BS bravado. People like me can see through that. It's very obvious when people are unhappy with their lives and he's one of those people.
I don't have the heart either to tell her I can't stand her boyfriend. But all I can do is not hang out with them together. One of my other friends said I might have to tolerate him as he's like that uncle at family functions no one likes but you have to put up with him to be around the other people you like. Not sure if I agree with that but I'd rather not be around him. I generally get along with people but some people are too much and have too much attitude. He's not worth being around because he doesn't bring enough to the table to justify the shitty attitude. He's not good looking, he's not smart, he's not funny and he's not kind. He's not rich, he's not powerful. Usually people put up with people with shitty attitudes because they have one redeeming quality but for me, there is nothing he brings to the table that makes me want to tolerate his infinite flaws. Sadly I can say similar things about most of the people in the Introvert cult because most of them do not bring much to the table.
