Working with Sopurkh Again

Greetings all,

I wrote a while ago that I was working with the mantra Sopurkh. I did write how I had some dreams but I didn't feel it was working. I decided to work with it again, although I can't remember when I stopped chanting it.As I previously wrote, I was hoping it would help my brother and my dad and also help me be in a meaningful relationship.

When I stopped, I didn't have these things manifested, although as I mentioned in that post, I did have some healing dreams about my ex. I actually think the shabad did work, although it didn't work right away. As mentioned, I wanted my dad to be more healthier, exercise and quit smoking. He started having issues with his one leg as he would have difficulty walking for more than 5 minutes at a time. It took a while to figure out what was wrong with him but eventually the doctor said it was because he smoked as it was restricting the blood flow in his leg. He was advised to quit smoking. This was back in November and my dad stopped smoking. It's been about 6 weeks.

I think when I was reflecting on this, this week, I realized maybe my chanting did have an effect, although a delayed effect. Lots of the women who chanted this would notice immediate changes so that's also why I was skeptical about the value of this. Maybe it's because the men in my family are very stubborn. I've been telling my dad to stop smoking ever since I was a child because he was a smoker since he was like 14. I was always worried that he would get cancer and die from it and my mother found a note I typed on a typewriter as a child, advising him to stop smoking so that he wouldn't die.

The other person I was chanting for was my brother. He seems to be getting worse and is even more nervous. He was diagnosed with ADHD but I'm not sure I believe in that. He was on different medication a few months ago but it just made him worse. He's still living with my parents and is still jobless for 3 years. He's a constant pain in the ass when I visit my family and is constantly verbally abusing me. My father and him don't get along and I hope the chanting helps my brother out because he's so messed up and really needs to grow up and get his life together.

I still am chanting for myself because I want to be with my soulmate, the man whom I can spend my life with, have a family and grow old with.

I had 3 objectives and 1 of them has been achieved. Maybe if I continue with it some more, I can attain my other objectives. I guess it may not manifest right away but I do hope things get better

SAD is in full effect

Greetings all,

My Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) has kicked in big time this week. It seems like the changing the clocks back an hour makes me feel ever worse and I don't remember if I ever get better the rest of the season. I started feeling sleepy and tired about 3 weeks ago but now I feel massively depressed. I can barely smile and have very little motivation to do anything. I think I stayed home all day Tuesday!

I might just go on anti depressants this year. I've been suffering for almost 10 years and have tried all types of supplements to see if I get a mood boost but to no luck. I've tried the fish oil and the St John Worts and many other supplements. I am going to try one more because I came across an article that said they tried this product called Progressive Labs Pineal Concentrate and that helped with their SAD. I couldn't find any other positive review about this product but I'm desperate so I'll try one more thing.

I felt really bad on Tuesday. I felt like all of my flaws were heightened and I felt like I was just a really bad person and a monster. I know it's not true but when your flaws get magnified and you are feeling very vulnerable, it is tough to deal with this. Depression is not fun.

I don't have much motivation to exercise and my body aches. My ex boyfriend would make it seem like this was something I could just easily treat with exercise but even when I did exercise, I felt like it had no effect on my system and I felt maybe good for a few minutes and not long term.

I hate this time of year, I really do. I will move south if I can't manage this disorder and live a normal life.

My Opinion on this Whole Jian Ghomeshi News

Greetings all,

Today is my day off so I spent it by indulging in online news and the main news story seems to be the Ghomeshi sex/violence story. I heard about this on Facebook on Sunday (I think) when he first posted his Facebook status saying how some 'jilted ex' is ruining his career. When I first read it, I knew it was BS because I've seen that type of behaviour from abusers. They take no responsibility for what goes on in their life and then blame someone else for the bad that occurs. A lot of people were hating this woman who stepped up and basically it was all about blaming the woman.

I never followed his radio show but when I first saw him, I thought he was gay and good looking so I'm surprised to learn that he would go after women. He seems likeable too and because he was good looking, I think people probably had a hard time grasping he could be like that but I know that you can never trust someone until you know them personally for several years because different scenarios reveal different sides of a person. It is sad when you see someone who seems like a good person and then learn of this evil. His behaviour is definitely evil. A flawed human we all can love and accept but this is just evil and wrong.

Now we are hearing more stories of women coming out, 8 to date and now everyone who was hating on this woman is now hating on Ghomeshi. I checked out his facebook profile and lots of people were spewing hate, calling him a monster, etc.

I think he's guilty but I don't think it's right to call him a monster and to basically lash out at him. Is it going to make him change? I doubt it. There's obviously something wrong with him but is it something he can change with psychotherapy or is he just like a sociopath who basically does not have the capacity to change?

The other thing that bothers me is how people think these women are lying because they didn't report it right away. I haven't experienced sexual abuse and there was a couple of incidences of weird/scary sexual behaviour I've experienced but I wouldn't think to report it because it would be a waste of time. I read too that false accusations only occur 2% of the time and the vast majority of sexual abuse goes unreported.

I think it's sad that we as a culture and on a global scale, have this negative belief on sexual abuse and blame the victim. Why is it with other crimes, we don't treat them the same way? Is it because the crime is sexual and sex is something where the lines can be easily blurred? I had a woman attempt to steal my purse and I was shaken badly. I called the cops but nothing was done anyways. I wasn't made to feel like a criminal and had a witness. But on some level, even I too felt like I hope they don't think I'm making this up.

And people like Ghomeshi know full well they have power and they abuse it and can get away with it. If I were a victim, I probably would just avoid him and move on with my life. People just assume you want a piece of them, when really all you want is justice.

All this sexual abuse that I read about, not just Ghomeshi but like one woman somewhere in the Middle East was recently hung because she killed or attack a man that raped her, just really makes me realize how scary and hard it is to be a woman.

I think for me, I just grew up accepting that you have to be tough but because society is so cruel to women in so many ways, it makes it difficult to want to vulnerable. I feel deep down I am very gentle and vulnerable, like most people and yet society forces you to be tough and to protect yourself. There really is not much you can do other than be mistrustful of people and cut out all the rotten apples out of your life.

Society has a lot of negative programming to fix, particular when it comes to the rape culture and the hate there is about women.

Meditation Woes

Greetings all,

I only did ganapati kriya for a week so I didn't commit myself officially to doing a 40 day discipline. I had midterms this week and I find that with my being so busy with school. I don't have the discipline to do a 40 day discipline. I don't meditate daily. I do qigong pretty much on a daily basis and maybe in the span of 40 days, I miss a couple of days but I do have at least a consistent practice.

I think too, I get different things out of ganapati and Bound Lotus. I feel they are both complementary to each other but frankly I don't have the time to be dedicated to either of them in terms of a discipline. When I worked, it was easy to do 40 day or 120 day disciplines but because school is so demanding, I want to use that discipline energy towards school. I've only got so much discipline and it needs to be directed towards school!

I like the feeling of bowing and surrendering in Bound Lotus but sometimes I feel like nothing is happening. I like chanting and doing Ganapati and I feel chanting it has a healing and soothing energy to it. They are both quite different and I feel I would have to do both. When I do Bound Lotus, I feel like I am missing something and when I do Ganapati, I feel like I just need to surrender. I am sitting up and feel like I just want to rest my head. I wonder if I can combine the postures but usually doing that is not advised. Maybe I can bow and do Ganapati?

Ever since I started doing qigong this year, I was telling my kundalini yoga friend I feel it's harder to do disciplines because qigong is so meditative and yet because I've always done KY meditations, I feel odd not doing any but qigong makes me feel pretty good.

The Improv Clown

Greetings all,

I joined the improv team at school. Two groups had auditions and I joined this group last year and was surprised there were having auditions because they didn't last year. The other team was a long form and I guess I wasn't good enough for them. My 15 years of improv experience, just wasn't enough! I figured that group was more of a clique and they probably knew already who they wanted.

Anyways, I wasn't able to go to the short form group last year because they had their improv on Monday nights and that's when I would go the Math Aid centre. School takes precedence over improv. This year the Math Aid hours have changed and it is on Monday afternoon and the improv team meets on Thursdays so now I can be more involved with improv.

I went to improv 2 weeks ago and met one of the players. My first impression was that she looked like a clown. She had way too much eye make up on and her eyelashes looked like spider legs. She then had too much blush on and to top it off, had the fake tan look going on. I learned she was a math major. She looked vaguely familiar. When I got home, I realized she was in one of my math classes but sat on the other side of the lecture hall. I remember noticing from quite a distance she had too much make up on and I automatically classified her as a bimbo because she was the stereotypical skinny, tall blonde with too much make up.

I didn't get a chance to talk to her but she seemed like she was a nice girl and she didn't suck at improv. I just don't know if her friends have told her she has too much make up on, or maybe they are all like her and wear too much make up and think it's normal, or maybe they have told her and she doesn't care. I'm not going to say anything but if we were to become friends, I'd have to point it out. She probably would be better looking if she didn't have any make up on. That's what I find silly. She's not ugly and doesn't really need to look like a clown.

Back to Ganapati Kriya?

Greetings all,

I am going through some personal challenges again. I think part of it is because my Seasonal Affective Disorder is kicking in but also school related. I had a test in one of my courses this Friday and it brought up a tremendous amount of anxiety. The night before I was massively worried and I did briefly a meditation we regularly did in my Sat Nam Rasayan class and then I decided to just do a meditation I used to do regularly, Ganapati Kriya.

I cried a lot but I still felt lots of anxiety and stress. I had my test Friday morning and then felt massively bad about myself. Our instructor is new to teaching this particular course and he gave us a practice test. My friend said he said it was the hardest of the 3 he wrote but I think the actual test was harder! I also found out it was challenging for other students and a couple of people didn't finish the test on time. The test was 50 minutes and had 5 questions but they all had like 3 sub questions. I don't think he realized it was probably too long. Would have been better to make 3 questions with 3 sub questions.

I don't think he's a bad person but I feel he just isn't that effective as a teacher and probably has to work at it. My friend and I agree that the way he presents the material just doesn't have a focus. A lot of the time, I feel like "where you taking us?". I know with other professors, I feel they are more structured. He's semi structured. I've seen worse professors

Anyways, this bad experience from the test made me feel bad on Saturday as well. I felt like I should just quit university. Why am I studying math and stats? I also felt like if I were to quit, I wouldn't know what to do. I've tried comedy and that didn't work. I don't know what else to study in school that would help me get a good job. I felt stuck and trapped and GP is usually good for these types of feelings. I reread a journal entry from 2 years ago and was going through the same struggles in school. I felt like, am I making a mistake and wasting my time? I did Ganapati again and while I didn't cry on Friday, I cried alot last night. I got the message "Don't give up". I thought afterwards, in what sense? Don't give up on school? Don't give up on finding a loving relationship? Don't give up on both? Don't give up on Life? I've been longing for a relationship. I'm frustrated with my feeling of not feeling successful and feel like I'll never amount to anything in life.

I tried my best in preparing for this test and I felt like I'm not going to get a respectable grade and yet I need one in this course. I felt like all this work for nothing. It felt like a waste! I maybe had one moment where I thought, all that work at least may not have been enough to ace the test but it does help in terms of understanding the material.

The test may be graded on a curve and I hope so. We have a 2nd test in this course and he may make it easier. That happened in one of my courses. The prof made the first test so hard and bumped up the grades and then made the 2nd test easier. I just don't know what's wrong with these people! As a mature student too, I feel like I am making a sacrifice to be there and am paying what I think, good money to be there. These people should be bending over backwards to help us understand the material and learn but it seems like it's just a game and sometimes it doesn't seem like it's about learning.

Maybe I will go back to doing the Ganapati kriya. Since I mentioned that I feel qigong is meditative, I don't feel the need for meditating but maybe I need to go back to GP for a while and do a 40 day discipline. I guess I am feeling frustrated with my life and my life as a student. I've been dabbling in Bound Lotus but not sure about doing a discipline with it.

It's been a while since I've done GP, I think several months at least so maybe I can try it out again. It's always been good for me so I guess I can't go wrong.

Warning: A Sorta Sexual Poem

Greetings all,

I was reading my drafts and this was a post that I guess I didn't publish it. I think because I thought it was a lame attempt to be sexual and maybe that's why I didn't publish it. Well I'll publish it anyways, even though I don't feel it's particularly sexual as a poem. I don't remember when I wrote this and don't remember who my crush was at the time but here's the original post:

I'm dedicating this poem for my current crush and to all the future crushes I will have.

You are so unsuspecting.
Thinking we're just friends.
You haven't got a clue.
Let me lead you into my thoughts.

Throw me down.
Tie me up.
Throw one into me.
And lick me all about.

I know what you are thinking.
So please just whisper it to me.
I know that you want me.
So please just let me hear it.

I know you've got some fantasies.
And I'll just play them out for you.
Don't think I will laugh at them.
I will treat them with the utmost care.

Aren't you glad it's over?
Aren't you glad I let you have your way with me?
Aren't you glad I want to do it again?

Sat Nam Fest

Greetings all,

I've been wanting to go since last year to the Sat Nam Fest which is run by Spirit Voyage. It's basically a 4 day festival where they have musicians from the Kundalini Yoga community and they play their music. Some of it is music they wrote but most of it are Kundalini chants. I have one musician who is a favourite, Gurunam Singh. I have a few of his individual songs which I downloaded but would eventually like to get a full album.

They usually have these festivals in October or February but these are bad times for me because I am in school and cannot skip out of town. Like it's this weekend and in Pennsylvania. I could go for 2 days maybe but it's too much effort to go to since it's in the US

I learned this year they are doing one at the end of December in Mexico. Last year I went away to the Dominican after Christmas since I have seasonal affective disorder and find it helps lift my spirits to be in a sunny environment. I also enjoyed spending  New Year's Eve in another country and thought last year that should be my new tradition.

I've been to Mexico a few years ago and this festival is taking place near Mexico city, which I have not been. I'm someone who likes to visit new countries. I've just been to Cancun and Cozumel and not to this part of Mexico. If I can go scuba diving on the west coast of Mexico, I can make it worth my time. I was originally thinking of going away to Costa Rica after my first semester but I feel my heart would rather go and chant for 4 days and then I can spend time site seeing and swimming.

Sadly so far Gurunam isn't going to be a performer but I sent his web site an email encouraging him to attend since I don't have a chance to make the Sat Nam Fest this weekend. He's got a really deep, masculine voice and I like his vibe.

Leadership Conference

Greetings all,

I had a conference at school on Friday on Leadership. They invited people earlier in the summer to give feedback on how to format the conference and I decided to attend it because they were offering treats and I am easily seduced by treats.

I made some suggestions on what I wanted to see at the conference and they actually did my suggestions so I was pleased about that. One suggestion was based on Susan Cain's book Quiet. I wanted them to discuss how Leaders can be introverted as our culture seems to only think a Leader is someone who is extroverted. I didn't go to this workshop but I heard people enjoyed it. I think it was something others needed to know about because our culture is biased towards people with quiet confidence.

I also made a suggestion on a workshop that utilizes some concepts from improv, like Yes and. That was what they called the workshop. Yes and is basically an exercise that underlies all of improv. It's the idea that you take what someone says and Yes and it. Improv is not about blocking. It's about accepting and I think to be a good leader, you need to learn how to accept things instead of blocking things. Like for example, in improv if the offer is someone says "Hey I like your hat", you can say "Yes and my hat makes me want to go to the movies", then the other person can say "Yes and going to movies makes me want to buy popcorn" and is followed by "Yes and popcorn reminds me of how much my mother loves me".

Obviously if we spent that seen arguing and blocking, it would go nowhere. "No don't like my hat..."
And that goes no where.

Same idea for leadership. People don't need to say no and can work with what's given them.

The workshops I did was on Resilience and Leadership is...The Leadership is... workshop was more about having smaller discussions with people on various social topics. It was interesting.

I liked the Resilience one more. It actually raised more questions for me like how do I know if I'm resilient? I don't think I'm resilient and I was told to try online quizzes. One of them said I was average and another above average. I don't really feel I am resilient. I feel I don't have much of a choice anyways. You have to move on in life. You still keep on living so why not just do what has to be done. I have been through a lot of financial difficulties but I don't feel that makes me resilient.

One trait of resilient people is that they have a social network. I feel for me, when I am stressed I don't look to others, I turn within and so I wasn't really sure if having a social network is what leads to resilience. I am an introvert and so as an introvert I seek validation and comfort internally and then I decide if I need external help, to seek it out.

I guess I don't classify myself as resilient and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I don't like dealing with difficult things and rather have a comfortable, easy life.

Foodies Make No Sense to Me!

Greetings,

There are several meetup groups out there that are just on food and going out for dinner. I think I joined one once and never went to it. All they did was regular coffee and brunches but they were on Sundays and usually I had other things to do.

One woman has a group going that aims to be budget conscious, under $20 for the meal but I find several of the meetups are well over this range.

I never really understood the popularity of these groups. I can understand going out for dinner once a month but that's all these people do and that would be super boring for me. There's so much to do in Toronto but why just eat all the time?

This one woman has a blog on food and its super boring. This person is like obsessed with eating and I think it's rather unhealthy. Someone was telling me people can be like that if they are obsessed about being thin. This woman is rather thin but I think she needs a hobby besides food.

I myself have several hobbies like qigong, meditation, yoga, walking, improv and live music. I have more interests and I would rather spend my money on fun things that involve exploring the city instead of just eating. That would be super boring for me.

I was told the appeal for dinner meetups is that it gives people the chance to socialize and eat, which is a common activity. I find sitting down for 2 hours mind numbing. I want to get up and move. It's hard to circulate too as a host if you have to eat.

I really just don't it. And these foodie groups always take tons of photos of their food. Who cares? It is just so gluttonous to me because there are people starving in this world and all these people seem to care about is their own food. I find foodies are too small minded for my liking. There's more to life than just eating.

Another Sad Love Song

Greetings all,

I went camping for the long weekend since I didn't go last year. I had a good time and the last time I went was with the introvert group. I found camping triggered some emotions from when I went camping 2 years ago. I had to share my tent with a guy this year. Normally I have the tent to myself. We started having deep conversations in the morning because we were the only ones up. We talked about relationships. He came with me cottaging so we talked about relationships up there and did have more conversations. I shared my experiences with my ex and being that I was talking to a guy, he gave me a different perspective on my ex's behaviour that most of my female friends didn't provide, probably because we are female.

I hadn't thought much of my ex but it got me thinking a bit. Maybe I was harsh but I was really hurt by everything and how everyone treated me cruelly. My behaviour is justified in my mind. I ended up sending an email to my ex saying that I went camping and it brought back positive memories. This was last week and obviously I didn't hear back from him.

My intention wasn't to get back with him. After I sent it and didn't hear back right away like when I recontacted him after running into him at Menchies, I started to regret it. I thought he was an asshole and why do I keep being the good person, trying to make amends? He just ignores me and doesn't deal with the issues. He probably is in a relationship with aimee, why make myself the fool?

I don't think it would work out. I want marriage and a family and he's not officially divorced even though he is not remotely involved with his ex, other than in dealing with his son. It would have been nice to be on speaking terms, but I was not sure if I'd want to be friends. My trust in him was shattered.

I guess it really is over, friendship and all and in a way it's sad.

I know when I was in a long distance thing with someone, we had this same on/off dynamic that I had with my ex and I am not sure why this happens. I'm not sure if it means I'm with the wrong person and just sticking around for attraction purposes or if I need to improve my communication and relationship skills. Maybe instead of breaking up, I need to just step back? I don't know what it is yet but we'll see what happens when I get into another relationship.

My Review of Poopourri

Greetings all,

I saw this ad on Youtube a while ago for a toilet spray called Poopourri. Basically you spray the toilet bowl surface before you poo and it prevents odors from occurring. I have been meaning to try it and this weekend bought online one for my house and for my parent's as I currently am in town visiting them.

We got our order today and I tried it and it worked. My mom got the Lavender and Vanilla scent. I got Sh*ttin' Pretty which is a blend of rose, jasmine and citrus. I'm not too crazy about the scent of my mother's Poopouri but she likes it. She actually didn't want any scents with fruits as many of them had fruit scents like No. 2 which is a blend of berries and peaches. I don't know what my mother has against fruit smells, but whatever!

Here's the video of the product

Waiting for Python

Greetings all,

I wrote my deferred python exam back on August 13 and still haven't received my grades. Apparently other students have received their grade. I think my grade hasn't been calculated because I wrote a deferral exam. I hope I get a good mark. The class average was C+ which is 65-69%. I think I did good on the exam. I gave myself about a month to prepare for the final exam and my friend Henry was helping me and answering my questions about the material since he self taught himself C++

I also am enrolled with Accessibility Services and so get special accommodations for writing tests and exams because I have test anxiety. I get very nervous and I was seeing a counsellor for my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) a few times in the winter. I was recommended to enroll by an Academic Adviser in my College. I get a bit of extra time but also I have the option of writing the test in a private room or in a cubical. I went with a private room. It was stuffy but I think it was because of the weather. Overall I liked using the room and felt it made me less anxious. I find when I am in the exam hallway waiting to write the exam, I get really anxious and all the noise is upsetting to me because there will be hundreds of students in the hall waiting as well to write the test. I like arriving early for things but that doesn't help me much.

I've been struggling with writing tests and exams and I think some of it has to do with having test anxiety. I know in high school I was always in a state of anxiety and I didn't realize it until I was older. Also at the time, we didn't have any special accommodations for people with test anxiety. It's surprising how allowing some students privacy and extra time can make them feel better and relieve the suffering that comes with writing tests.

I Miss Having a Boyfriend

Greetings all,

A couple of weeks ago I was dreaming about my ex. We didn't break up on happy terms and sometimes I find I pine for him. When I reflect upon the situation, I really think it boils down to yearning for a boyfriend. I don't think he was a good boyfriend and I think it's over for a reason. It's been well over a year of being single and sometimes it's hard.

Last week I was at Menchie's having frozen yogurt with a male friend and next to us a couple with a young child sat next to us. I really wish I was part of a family and had a devoted husband. It makes me sad sometimes because I don't know if it's in the cards for me. The older I get, the more I think it may not happen to me.

I broke up with my ex because I felt like he was in love with a female friend. What if I was wrong? What if it was just friendship? I still couldn't take him back because I have pride in myself. What if I was right? That would be even worse. Either way, I could never be friends with him. My pride, his crime. Either way a friendship is not possible. I guess that's how my thinking goes.

Anyways, I miss having a boyfriend and have been on a few dates. It's been pretty dry though. I try to be positive about it and hopefully one day the right man will come along.

Fuck You Facebook!

Greetings all,

About 2 weeks ago, Facebook put my account on hold simply because I was using a nickname and not my full name. This pissed me off greatly that I decided to deactivate my account and I don't miss Facebook at all.

For me, people can search for me if they have my email address. I don't want my full name being posted when I comment on things because I do comment on various social/political sites and on other sites and just want to maintain some privacy.

I feel forcing me to use my name when I don't want to, it a violation of my wanting some privacy so I just decided that I had enough of Facebook.

I used to like it because I was subscribed to some groups that dealt with feminist issues or about economic issues so it was informative. I also was a fan of George Takei since I also like funny posts.

Fuck you Facebook, you are a waste of my time!

A New Man

Greetings all,

I've been on okcupid for several months and landed 3 dates. It was really tough to get dates and the men weren't interesting. I decided to take a break from that site and maybe a man in real life will show up and actually a new man has entered my life. I am not sure where it will go but he's really upbeat and I find him attractive. We've had a few dates. It's still early but we'll see how it goes.

*   *   *

I sent my introvert friend a text since I didn't hear from her for over a month. I asked in the text how she was doing since I didn't hear from her in a while. I got no response. I think my ex Mike officially had something to do with this. Probably manipulated her, which isn't fair.

Mike's mom had depression and she ended up being on meds that made her suicidal. She ended up taking on her own life when Mike was in high school. I thought Mike of all people would understand mental health issues. When the introvert friend told me how condescending Mike and aimee were to her and her boyfriend earlier this year when they hung out at Mike's house to play euchre, it made me upset. I know aimee is a catty person because every so often she would make catty remarks towards me. Women do that when they are insecure and feel threatened. I knew she was threatened by me, even though I wasn't a real threat. I was always encouraging her to be a better person and to be conscious of her actions, pretty much how I treat everyone in my life. Every so often she made a catty remark towards me. She was just insecure and so it made her feel better to take me down a notch. It hurt my feelings but it never hurt my self esteem because the self esteem I have built over the years by my spiritual practice cannot be destroyed by petty comments.

I remember one evening Mike, Carolyn (the introvert friend) and I were having pizza at Pizza Hut. She opened up about her mental difficulties and Mike was rather sympathic towards her. I was too because I can understand mental health issues being that I have it in my family and suffer from it as well. If it were aimee instead in my position, I don't think Mike would have been sympathetic at all.

Mike is a very different person around aimee. He was not a nice person. I wasn't surprised when she told me how he treated her that night. He should have known better. It angered me as well that someone with his history would go along with aimee and be mean towards someone who was vulnerable.

I think the fact that she is tossing away this friendship and choosing Mike is not a good choice and I may not want to be her friend again should she chose to contact me. On some level they all know aimee manipulates Mike and does not bring out his best.

I don't know why Mike and aimee feel it was okay to indirectly put someone down like Carolyn. Actually I do know why. They are both insecure and it makes them feel better to act superior over someone vulnerable like Carolyn. It's disgusting. Mike and aimee disgust me and lack basic human respect. It's quite sad that people need to put others down to feel good about themselves but it reveals alot about their character.

*   *  *

I have gone back to working with the shabad Sopurkh. I have done several disciplines with it and never felt I got anything out of it. It's supposed to be help women uplift men. I was chanting it in the past to help my brother and father because my brother seems to be having life issues and just doesn't seem to get his shit together. My dad has several bad habits, namely watching tv all the time, smoking and not getting exercise since he watches tv all the time. I never felt anything happen. Spirit Voyage has done an 11 day discipline earlier this year and I didn't notice anything or feel anything.

I decided again to work with it because I feel like I want to find the right man and be in love and start a family. I also want to help the men in my family and overall help men in general because I feel like men are so inferior to women in some ways. I also want to be surrounded by better men, especially since the majority of men in the Introvert Social were emotionally immature and dysfunctional.

A few days ago I was starting to feel the energy of this shabad. One night I just chanted it more then usual. I decided to just do 3-5 reps a day instead of the typical 11 repetitions because it takes 30 mins to do that much and I just didn't want to spend 30 mins. I also decided to not do 40 days but just do it for as long as I felt necessary. I think it will be easier to do this longer since I am not required to do so many at once.

I had a couple of dreams earlier this week and one of them was about aimee and my ex Mike. They were together and it just angered me. After I had this dream, I just felt like I didn't care about them anymore. I felt like Mike should have been more honest with me. That's what is important to me. If he's in love with aimee and wants to be in a relationship with her, go for it but he was being dishonest to me about his true feelings because I could tell from his actions he was in love with her. He did anything for her. It doesn't take a genius to figure that he obviously was in love with her. Maybe she was afraid to be with him. I don't know. But there was no need to lie to me about what was going on.

I had another dream about some other guy that now I can't remember. But it was encouraging that I felt some energy while chanting this because I had practiced it for so long with not feeling like anything was going on.

I do feel I am healed now from my experience with Mike and aimee and the Introvert Social. I could care less what these people do with their lives because they are not the kind of people I want in my life. I want people who have good communication skills, who are emotionally mature, open and honest and are confident in who they are and believe in treating people with kindness. 

Just because I am an introvert, doesn't mean I shared the same values as these people, even though they themselves were introverts.

Getting Some SNR

Greetings all,

The ashram where I used to do my Sat Nam Rasayan (SNR), stopped running our biweekly practice I think in the beginning of the year. The woman who started it a couple of years ago when Hari Nam came to Toronto to start teaching us this got the ball rolling and she was leading regular weekly practice sessions. We then started doing it biweekly because she didn't have time to do it every week and we also probably had other things that we wanted to do as well and doing it every Sunday wasn't easy on our personal schedules. Eventually she had back issues so one of our regulars took over. Our group was a small one. It basically was the 3 of us and when this woman got her back issues, it was 2 of us at times. Sometimes we would have a couple of people show up once or twice but we never really seemed to get a crowd going. We were starting to get one woman as a regular but then it ended up getting cancelled because I think some other woman was taking over for the woman that was substituting.

As well for me, I wasn't able to go as much and my participation in it dwindled this year. I usually try to visit my family every other week or every 3 weeks and sometimes I was too busy with school. At one point, I did feel like it would be nice to have a break but now that it's not running regularly, I miss it and I definitely miss the community, even if it was just a couple of us.

My Sat Nam Rasayan practice was important to me and it really helped me get better at meditation and helped me to become less reactive and more neutral. I was also not able to attend workshops since they would run 3 times a year and have been on Tuesdays. I've been having classes on Tuesdays for the most part so it made it difficult for me.

I was quite happy to go to this workshop because I haven't seen the instructor Hari Nam in over a year or 2. I remarked to one of the regulars at SNR that he has a really strong energy. We were having a conversation about people's energy and I wondered about my own energy impact on others because sometimes I am around people whose energy I do not like and wondered if they had that awareness of their own energy.

It's usually uncommon for me to meet people who have strong energies and he has a nice energy. Although I think personally, having an energy that feels good, doesn't mean the person is good. I liked my ex's energy but he was not a good person. Another woman who ran a meetup group had energy I liked. I didn't know her well but she sent out emails to members about her own sexual abuse and she seemed really like someone with emotional issues. I'm not here to judge someone's personal life but I didn't feel it was appropriate to send out some mass email like that. I didn't know her well enough. I can understand wanting to open up to people whom you were closer to or to people in person.

Anyways, my point is that good energy doesn't mean the person is a good person or emotionally stable like these 2 people I mentioned.

We ended up doing 2 meditations and did lots of partner work. He had us focus on a variety of things but the focus was different from other sessions. He wanted us to focus on our partner's self awareness and inner perception and their insecurity. He also wanted us to say who we were in conflict with and I guess the healer doesn't have to know the person but relates to the feelings associated with that person when the patient thinks about them. We did 2 rounds of this. I first thought of my brother. I seem to be in conflict with him and he is just very difficult to get along with. On the 2nd round, I thought of my ex and said 'ex'. Hari Nam said we can say boss or ex or coworker if we didn't want to give a name. When I said ex, I also thought of aimee. I guess when I think of my conflict with my ex, I can't help but think of aimee. She was definitely part of the problem and enjoyed manipulating him and in a way turning him against me, although I don't know if that's what she was intending. Her intention simply could have been to use him and causing a rift between us was a by-product. But I'll never really know. I don't know if I'll ever get over the feeling of betrayal but I probably will. It's been over a year anyways but when people betray you like those my ex and aimee, it can take a very long time to heal from those wounds. Those wounds were pretty deep.

Overall I found the partner work was interesting and different from previous sessions we've done. A lot of sickness I think can stem from a person having a faulty perception of themself or of being insecure and not feeling good about who they are. I would never thing to feel someone based on that perspective. Basically it seemed like it was about opening up ourselves to how a person feels themself, which I think would be a really powerful thing if one gets good at it.

I can pick up on certain things about people and I do feel I can hone my feeling ability with this practice.

I was pretty tired this morning and I do feel a bit out of it.

The meditations we did were ones he taught us before but I definitely felt like I got something out of this workshop even if the meditations were the same. We also had a lot of new people as well. We didn't have time to do another meditation he mentioned that was good to practice and it was a meditation called Meditation for the Intuitive Intellect. I remember that he taught us this meditation before and I will do a 40 day practice with this meditation. He said yesterday it was a good meditation and a way to know things. I want to know things, so I thought I will try this.

The other strange thing that occurred was about a few days before this workshop, I started feeling weird. I knew my period was coming and I was feeling more irritable and emotional. I ended getting my period as well but was also crying a lot and feeling very emotional. I wasn't sure what was going on because as I mentioned before, I was chanting alot of the mantra, Har Singh Nar Singh and wondered if that was clearing up stuff because I felt so drawn to it. Normally when I get my period, I am not that moody. Sometimes I have been but I wondered if that catharsis was related to my chanting.

My SNR friend said that it was probably related to this workshop. On some level, I was probably preparing for this workshop and clearing up stuff. She said when Hari Nam worked on her, the week leading up to her private session, she felt irritable and he was like 'okay'. I don't know if that's true but it certainly defies a lot of things I have come to believe. Like how is that possible? Who's bringing this stuff up for emotional release? Am I part of the SNR chain because of my past experience practicing so this is how I am energetically connected?

It was odd. I don't know what was going on emotionally with me and it may take me a few days to process this week and what I've been through.

Gone?

Greetings all,

I haven't heard from my introvert friend after she brought up how my ex was all pissed off at her about what I wrote on my blog about him. I wonder if it's because he bullied her into no longer associating with me. Or she's going through another depressive phase and feeling unsocial.

It's been a few weeks and I wonder if he forwarded her my email about warning him not to stalk me online anymore. I had a feeling he was and the fact that she verified shouldn't be held against her.

I honestly have to say, this was by far the worst breakup I ever had. Even when things ended with my eharmony british interest, I was deeply heart broken but I didn't lose my 'friends'. I never had an ex have my 'friends' all turn on me and take his side. I never had a guy cheat on me and deny it the way he did. His behaviour was ridiculous. I never had a group ignore my efforts in helping make the group succeed.

One boyfriend, 3 traumatizing ways to damage me. Never had that happen.

Yesterday I actually felt grateful I am no longer with him. Maybe my heart will heal from the abuse I experienced.

Har Singh Nar Singh

Greetings all,

These past few days I have been listening to Nirinjan Kaur's Har Singh Nar Singh mantra and I feel hungry for it. I've had a few times where I just want to listen to a particular mantra. I usually don't know why but I have had a few times in my spiritual practices these days where all I want to do is hear the mantra and really immerse myself in the sound. I am having that moment again with this mantra. I don't know why but I will go with it. I am not sure if I should do a 40 day discipline or just write down when I started doing this and see how long it lasts for.

I like it and it feels good. According to Spirit Voyage's Mantrapedia, this mantra is for making one a conqueror of evil and that it works on the evolution of energy, and the strength of the masculine energy. 

Maybe it's related to the issues I had with the Introvert group. Aimee was a rather evil person and perhaps this is protecting me from the negative energy of that group.

http://www.spiritvoyage.com/mantra/Har-Singh-Nar-Singh/MAN-000048.aspx

Dealing with Loneliness

Greetings all,

This past week has been intense for me emotionally. I have been feeling really lonely. Part of it is because I am still trying to make new friends since I lost the ones I thought I had last year but also because I have been single for a year and haven't really had much male prospects.

I googled a bit on it and really just wanted to rid myself of this awful feeling. The thing too is that because I felt alone, I wanted to withdraw more from people, which is probably the opposite of what I should be doing.

I am feeling better now and have continued with my qigong practice. I also did some chanting and for now, I am 'over it'.

I haven't had much of a chance to talk about my spiritual practice but I stopped doing kundalini yoga last year. I did not complete my sadhana goal of 1000 days of Bound Lotus. I basically stopped at around 6 months. That was the longest consecutive discipline I did. I don't know why I stopped but I did and I was a little disappointed but I felt I had enough with it.

I also started doing qigong again, although I was learning from a new teacher. I was studying Master Teresa. She did a few sessions where she just did energy work and I was able to attend one and the next day I felt it cleared out some emotional stuff and it motivated to go back to learning qigong. This form she teaches is different from the other forms and I feel it is more gentle and subtle than the other styles I learned. I have learned set I of tai chi shibashi and a wild goose style. I got a whole bunch of videos years ago on the wild goose form.

I am currently practicing set II of the tai chi shibashi but have also learned from Master Teresa, Level 1-3. I am primarily doing level 1 and 2. We got dvds so it enables us to practice at home so I am alternating between the different sets for variety, but I find Level 1 by Master Teresa is more powerful. I feel more relaxed and it makes me feel happier. There have been a few times where it cleared out stuff and I was rather down but after a few days I felt good again.

I am not sure if my loneliness that I experienced was related to that. I got some reiki done last week and I didn't feel good after it for about a week. A friend of mine had said sometimes when we are doing this energy work, it can get worse before it gets better.

I think I am tired of being single, but it's not like I am not trying. I am on okcupid but I find it hard to find dates. I also was thinking of getting a match.com account but that costs money. I had reiki done last summer and the woman I knew her from a meetup group she used to run, said that I am energetically connected to a man so it's just a matter of divine timing. I trust her as I met another woman who was part of the spiritual arts and ran her own meetup group, but she was evil. This woman I feel I can trust her. I hope she is right but I wonder when will it happen? I already find being single for a year is too long and now I wonder if I'll ever find someone. Now that I've been single for so long, it makes me wonder if I can make it work with someone because now I am just more self absorbed and only think of myself and what I want.

I think it's hard to be single too because you start wondering why men online aren't approaching me. I think I have a good profile and look attractive. I think I'm pretty awesome and just don't understand why I'm not getting enough interest.

Maybe I'll be single for another year. I'm busy with school but that doesn't mean I can't make the time for a relationship. I still think I can find a man that is supportive of my education and the time required to pursue it. I know my last boyfriend was an unsupportive jerk but I'm sure there are better men out there that can manage not always having their girlfriend around.

Anyways, I hope I find someone soon. Too many people I know are getting married and I am feeling left behind. I am a good person and have lots of love to give and it would be a shame to not have someone to share my life with.

Fatigue and My Menstrual Cycle

Greetings all,

I'll be talking a bit about my period. Don't worry, it's not gross or anything but I thought I'd post an issue I was having for several months during my period. I think back in October or September of 2013, I started feeling more tired during my period and some times I was just quite exhausted. I went to see the doctors at school to see what was going on. I had gone to see my previous doctor before and had my iron levels checked out, which seems to be a common issue for women, i.e. low iron.

I was already taking iron during my period as my previous doctor said to so my levels were fine, although for me I want my numbers to be up to 70-90. Last time I had them checked at school, my iron was around 40. Low, but not super low. I think the lowest I had was 16 or something around that.

I've also had my B12 checked out. I've heard it should be over 500 but the way our system works, they consider over 300 (I think), normal. So my B12 was around 300 so 'normal'.

A few months ago I bought this hemp protein at a health food store by my place. In the beginning, I would drink it almost daily and I found that, that helped my energy levels during my period. The problem is that this protein doesn't dissolve like regular protein shakes and so it wasn't the most convenient thing to take. Also the protein bits would get stuck between my teeth. So the next month, I wouldn't take it as often but noticed my energy levels went down when I had my period again.

I had a bottle of Borage oil pills, which contains a fat called GLA (gamma-linolenic acid). I would take them once and a while but last month I decided to take it more consistently, I think every other day. When I last got my period in April, I noticed my energy levels were fine and my period was much lighter (i.e. I was losing less blood). High blood loss can use up a lot of iron so maybe this can help with my iron levels instead of needing to take iron pills.

I bought evening primose oil pills, which also have GLA as well. These 2 products seem to be the best items for containing GLA. I googled GLA and learned that hemp protein contains it as well so this was why I noticed I wasn't fatigued during my period.

What frustrates me is that our medical system doesn't properly help people because when I went to my doctor at school, I asked about getting my fat levels checked out and I think they may have checked out a few but I did read online someone had fatigue and got their GLA checked out and it was low. They were taking lots of fat supplements like omega 3,6 and 9 but that didn't help. 

What's the point of having a doctor if they can't figure out what is wrong with your body? I have to figure it out on my own and this is silly. I will probably go back to the doctor and talk about this. I need to know now how much GLA I need. Maybe now I can take a few tablets a week, instead of every other day or every day. I am also not sure if one can have too much GLA in their body so that is something I have to research.

I haven't taken as much GLA this month and maybe I will see more fatigue during my period but at least I know what is causing the issue.

Unfriending

Greetings all,

I unfriended a couple of people on my facebook. These were people that I met at the Staircase improv but hardly saw them anymore. One of them I dated for about 2 months and he was banned apparently from the Staircase. I was living in Toronto at the time so I actually don't really know why.

I had noticed that a lot of people like to act as posers on the internet. The ones that irk me the most are those who claim to be nerds/geeks when they are not and those that claim to be spiritual when it's just an interest.

For me, these posers irk me the most because these are identities I resonate with and I don't think they are seriously into it. One of the people who was from improv for the past 2 years from what I can tell has become more into spirituality. I don't know her very well but when I first met her and her boyfriend (they are now married), they both struck me as angry people. Even on her facebook page, she comes off as rather angry at times. Being that she is part native and part white (not sure if 1/4 native, etc) but she looks like a white girl and my biggest pet peeve was how 'political' she would get about white privilege and about native issues and how white men stole the land.

This kind of talk to me is useless and frankly does not motivate me to support native issues because it just makes them come off as whiney. The big issue she would bitch about is how white people use native imagery. This is known as native appropriation, which is something many in this community seem angry about. First of all, this is one thing I strongly disagree with because all cultures are borrowing from each other. I'm Italian. We are automatically associated with being in the mafia. There are lots of stereotypes on tv about us but do I get angry? No. I think it's a waste of my time and energy. It's like the natives seem to think they are the only culture that is experiencing this but they personalize this and fail to realize that other cultures experience it as well and are not as offended about it as they are.

I think what angers me most when they get angry over the 'appropriation' is that they don't realize people like the head dresses and feathers because it's cool looking. The native look to me is associated with being a warrior and I think this is why some people invoke it and use it. I see it as a compliment to the native community because we associate strength with that culture. This part native Laura, would post on how people would boycott some clothing designer who did an ad campaign that utilized native attire. So many white people got angry and to me this was all just silliness.

They are getting upset when they don't realize that people's intentions aren't to hurt natives. Then they have the balls to compare it to black face, which it isn't. I think the biggest mistake the native community is getting angry about trivial issues, which is what I see this whole appropriation nonsense as. They also get upset over the sports teams logos and forget that most people don't give a shit about sports!

I would rather talk about meaningful issues. Like the poverty issue they face. Not this superficial nonsense. How is getting angry over people dressed in feathers going to help elevate their status? Seriously it isn't. I just think for me, it's better to deal with the real issues like the living circumstances and their political rights and health, not these trivialities.

Anyways, this Laura was quite the hypocrite because on one of her 2 facebook accounts, she posted something on encouraging people to buy native fashion wear. Face palm.

She runs her own fitness business doing nia classes and now seems to be branching into native medicine wheels. Again, she is just a white girl who probably had some exposure to the native culture growing up and attended a few pow wows because of her part nativeness but... she grow up in the white man's world and I highly doubt that she immersed herself to the point where she would be qualified to teach people about medicine wheels. Frankly I think that's a huge disservice to the native community. I would rather learn about that from someone who is living the native life, not some white girl who has some exposure to the culture. I can't imagine learning anything deep from her because I just feel she is so superficial and is really more about looking spiritual than actually being spiritual and having a discipline.

As part of her health and wellness business, she labels herself as a spiritual geek. This was what inspired me to write my facebook statuses about people who are geek/nerd posers and spiritual posers. She happens to be both. What makes her a spiritual geek? Because she's read a couple of books? No that doesn't make one a geek. How can you even be a spiritual geek? I just don't get it. I've read lots of Steiner/anthroposophical books and have read many New Age/Spiritual books but I wouldn't even dare call myself a spiritual geek. I mean really?

There are several images of her marketing where she utilizes native imagery and dresses up in the gear but why is it okay for her to do this? She is exploiting her own native history for profit and frankly that's more inappropriate than the white people she bitches about appropriating her 'culture'.

I just felt like this person is so image obsessed but is truly superficial and I wouldn't listen to a word she says. She even has the balls to create memes and quoting herself, or quoting herself on her facebook status. Most of her 'quotes' aren't really inspirational or intelligent or meaningful. It's all just pompous sounding. It's all just BS to make her look and sound spiritual when people like me, who have actual spiritual practices, can tell the inauthenticity.

She has friends that constantly praise her and so her ego eats it up and yet I won't engage in that ass kissing because that's what it is. It's just boosting her ego and not actually making her a better, spiritual person.

I realized a few weeks ago that her husband unfriended me. I was a little hurt because I didn't have much against him but I just thought it was rude to do that. I maybe see him once every few years but still I feel because I go to the Staircase every so often, it's sort of the bond that connects me to these people that I don't get to see often.

I decided to unfriend her as well because the truth is that they are angry, pot smoking people and I frankly had enough of her fake ass 'I'm spiritual and I'm native so I'm super amazing'. I just find her overall arrogant and I notice that some people from that community are arrogant but since I moved to Toronto, it has humbled me and these people are just so small and insignificant but are so convinced of their greatness, when they are just ordinary people.

Anyways, I didn't unfriend her 2 accounts until after I unfriended the ex I dated for 2 months. After my status voicing how I felt about spiritual posers, he made some rude comment about me and I replied back, "when was the last time you talked to me?" No reply. I haven't seen him in probably 6 years and I've changed a lot and have grown as a person and his comment was a way to belittle me, which he is known for doing.

He generally doesn't comment on my posts but the few times he did, it had that same belittling tone. A common issue I had with some members from the Staircase back in the olden days was how belittling some people were to me. I guess I accepted it but as I grew older, I realized it was unnecessary. I already unfriended one person who doesn't go to improv anymore but whom was part of the community and a facebook friend. His name was Ash and he was rather verbally abusive towards me in the sense that he would belittle me. This ex, Craig was good friends with Ash and I'm not surprised. Like attracts like.

Ash was good friends as well with Gary, part native Laura's husband. Again, I would characterize these people as angry and this is why they would belittle me at times. Gary also belittled me at times but not as much as the others. They all think they are super funny and talented but I think they are all deluded.

I emailed Craig saying I was going to unfriend because his behaviour was inappropriate and all he did was reply back LOL. This was pretty much how my email conversation went with Ash when I unfriended him a few years ago and sent a goodbye email. He didn't seem to give a shit that he was being mean and hurtful. Just made it out to be my problem that I felt hurt.

I don't need people like that in my life, even if it's just my facebook life so I unfriended the rest of the toxic people I met from improv.

I remarked on facebook how I was uncomfortable with certain people in improv but never had the courage to voice how they were verbally abusive i.e. their belittling of me. Now that I am older, I won't put up with it but also have been exposed to more different types of people and realize there are better people out there that are funny and not abusive towards others. It's wrong frankly. This experience made me very wary and cautious towards the new people that come out to improv but I notice I don't get this belittling from them. It's frankly not right. I've had to brush off a lot of hurtful things and eventually I realize what they said was wrong. It's not easy to be sensitive and be around people who are toxic. I hope one day they clear their emotional garbage but who knows.

I'm a deeply sensitive person but I don't talk about it and hide it well for the most part but it's there and I need to avoid these types of people. They are nothing but garbage.

I am Rashional

Greetings all,

I had to take Amoxicillan, an antibiotic when I got my wisdom teeth taken out 2 weeks ago. I ended up getting a rash about a week afterwards. I only had a week's worth of antibiotics and finished them up. I noticed the soles of my feet had a burning sensation and then I experience the runs all day, which for me is rather embarrassing since I have to share my bathroom with my housemate. Then I noticed a rash breaking out on my elbows and the side of my hips. I thought maybe I have bed bugs but I emailed my mom the pics and she said it was a rash. My brother had bed bug bites and she said they didn't look like them.

I also had an intense stomach ache on Sunday night. I went out to see a documentary and in the middle of it, my stomach hurt so bad that I wanted to throw up. I stuck it out to the end and went home. I didn't throw up. I googled what to do and read that you can drink baking soda, which is what I did. I went to bed and woke up fine. Then yesterday I has having the runs again and our toilet wouldn't flush properly so I had to email the owner to fix it. Again, that was embarrassing. Our toilet has been known to not flush properly and of all the times to act up, this was not a good time!

When I started getting the rash, I phoned the pharmacist so I should be fine as what I got was a delayed reaction to the medication and I should be fine after a week. I thought this was ridiculous. I had 2 of my wisdom taken out 10 years ago and I don't remember going through this amount of BS. I am never taking an antibiotic again in my life! I don't know how common amoxicillan reactions are, but I am never taking it again and hopefully I won't need to.

Hopefully this will be the end of my rash, stomach ache, runs.

My Critique of Laughter Yoga

Greetings all,

I did Laughter Yoga for the first time tonight. It was something I've been meaning to try. Basically you are guided through various activities where you are forcing yourself to laugh. The theory is that your body can't tell the difference between a fake laugh and a real laugh so either way, laughing is good for you. Forcing laughter generates real laughter. For me I didn't find that happening. In my own life yes sometimes forcing a smile makes me smile but I felt this whole one hour was forced so it didn't make me genuinely laugh. It was much too long.

I thought I would like it, but I just found it creepy. I've been doing improv for over 10 years and this laughter yoga had some similarities but it felt very contrived and actually odd. I prefer doing improv over this to laugh and have a good time. We introduced ourselves by saying our name and than laughing. There was one guy who has been tried to be a laughter yoga leader and he was quite the extrovert and overall annoying because he'd be talking back to the instructor. I think he was just being his extroverted self but I felt he was being disruptive. It just didn't jive with me.

There was one guy who also was trained to be a leader and he laughed so much. I think he had a good laugh but it just made me wonder. I forced myself to laugh but at the same time, I felt myself retreating inside my own head. It was just weird!

At the end they have us lie down in a circle where our heads are in the middle and we were to laugh for 10 minutes. I found it hard to laugh that long and probably after 3 minutes, my laughter was so fake and my jaw started to hurt as well because of my wisdom teeth. I think I took a break from the laughing because at that point it was annoying!

One of the games we did was to double high 5 someone and say 'your alright', although at some point I wanted to say 'you're awesome' because that's what I tell myself.

We also played some game where we were mud slinging and than we had to hug each other because the mud covers what we look like and so we are all the same. Again, it seemed really contrived to me.

I don't think I'd want to go back. It wasn't my thing and I prefer improv. Laughter yoga is like the creepy older uncle of Improv. The games aren't really that fun like in improv and it just seems like a lot of forced laughter. At least for me, I'm not a believer in forcing things and I think that takes away from the humour. I feel like I'm in that fake laughter mode and hopefully I'll get out of it. My qigong practice makes me feel good for the most part and I feel pretty happy in life because of it. I don't feel I am repressed. I guess laughter yoga isn't for me. It just was too creepy and I'm definitely one not afraid to step out of my comfort zone so if I find something creepy, it usually is because it is since I am not one that gets creeped out too easily.

Why Be Hatin' on Hello Kitty?

Greetings all,

A friend of mine on facebook posted Avril Lavigne's new video Hello Kitty. Lots of people complained how awful the song and video is but I think these people don't understand that it probably was made to be a silly video. Why do regular people forget that these people are artists and sometimes just want to put together a silly and funny video, without it necessarily having to be amazing?

I actually like it and think it's very colourful. I find it funny too. Many people were overreacting and called her a racist but it wasn't racist at all. The asian back up dancers were just like dolls and it made sense. I don't get the hate but it reminded me of how my favourite Canadian musician did a similar music video but he wasn't criticized because he's not terribly famous. He spent a lot of time touring in Japan and other Asian countries so he probably got influenced by their culture. I think Avril probably had the same experience and wanted to do something based on her own time there. It's not racism but it just goes to show, people want to be miserable and unhappy. If you don't like the song, don't listen or watch it. I'm not an Avril fan, I find her annoying at times but I can relate to how artists are and where their thinking is coming from since I used to do improv and comedy and am creative so I can relate to just wanting to be experimental. Avril has proven herself and has been in the industry for a long time. She can do what she wants!

I can like a song even though the artist is not a favourite but I guess other people are more intolerant and once you don't like an artist, you just don't like them at all.

The other thing is the public doesn't like when artists branch out to do new things or try different sounds or looks. They bitch how they want the old musician back. People want the old Avril in her beginning but even when she came out, people hated on her and complained how her image is all manufactured. People say they liked her back then but even back then they didn't. They just liked her old image when they see this new one.

Artists are meant to explore different styles and looks and people shouldn't get so upset about it. I like the video due to its silliness. At the end of the day, it's just a video and people need to chill out.

Hawksley's We Dance to Yesterday:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeJdIuAYpHY

Avril's Hello Kitty:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkY3Quj8BSA

Losing My Wisdom

Greetings all,

Yesterday I got my last 2 wisdom teeth taken out. I had my top 2 taken out about 12 years ago. On my right side, my tooth was starting to erupt and had managed to become visible. I had been wanting it out for the past 6 months but because I got busy with school, it was difficult to schedule a day for a consultation.

I wasn't sure about getting my left tooth out because it was below the surface but I figure I should get them both out because I am on a student dental plan so might as well take advantage of it as who knows if the left tooth will ever cause me trouble down the road.

My right tooth would sometimes give me pain as I could feel it when it was pushing through my gums. It was more of a nuisance pain. I was rather happy getting the surgery yesterday. I'm not sure what other patients are like but they kept saying I was doing good. Are they just saying that or am I really a good patient? I was just on the local anesthesia and not the laughing gas. For the most part I was fine although there was some times where it hurt a bit.

They worked on my left side first as that required more work. They had to drill a bit on my right and made incisions but I thought it would have been easier to remove that one since it was already coming out. It took maybe a bit longer than I expected.

My left cheek is very swollen now and I hope it goes down soon but they said it would take about 3 days. I am putting ice on it but I don't know if that is helping.

I have an antibiotic to take and also percacet (not sure of spelling) and ibruprofen. I also have a mouth rinse to use. I don't think I've ever used so many drugs in my life.

I have one more exam to worry about but I don't think my surgery will impact my studying. I am going to study a bit today and hopefully get focused solely on this exam over the next few days

Gyppity Gypped Gyopped

Greetings all,

For one of my courses, we have an online forum where we can ask the instructors questions and our peers or the instructors answer them.

For my one course, we got a new instructor after reading week. The last class before reading week, our prof at the time never showed up for class. Most students stuck around for a bit but after 30 minutes, people started leaving and so did I as next door at the Part Time student union, they were offering free massages and they happened to have a free spot. Free massage or wait for a prof that may not come? I made the obvious choice.

Last week, I think I sent a private post to the person who runs this course and I asked if we get a make up class or something because we 'got gypped out of a class'. Apparently my school is very PC and the prof said I was being insensitive and frankly that really hurt my feelings because it implied I was a racist, which I am not.

First of all, I know the 'gypsies' do not like to be called 'gypsies'. They are now officially known as 'Roma'. Okay fine. If that's what you guys want to be called now, fine, I don't care. They are just words, they don't really mean anything. It's just a label. Just like being Italian is a label. It really doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

I posted a question on my facebook saying something about when did the word 'gypped' become PC and one of the female alphas from my improv community in Hamilton commented on it and basically seemed to be rude about it. Again, implying I was some racist. If she didn't like what I asked, there are other more effective ways to make a point without coming off as antagonistic (I don't think this person realizes that she comes off that way sometimes, mainly when she disagrees with my opinion. I am a sensitive person so pick up the emotionality of people very quickly. I would not classify her as a rational debater, rather more of an emotional debater).

Wouldn't it be politically incorrect for me to say I got Roma-ed? Or I got Rom-ed?

This blog will now be about how I don't agree with this banning of words bullshit. I am very anti political correctedness and this does not make me a racist. I consider myself a realist and feel that banning words really does not address the issue of racism. In fact, I think it white washes the real issue. Do you honestly think that banning a word or making a word taboo is going to eliminate racist behaviour? Because if that were true, we wouldn't have discrimination anymore.The Roma people would be respected, the black community wouldn't be automatically stereotyped as criminals and gay people would be able to get married in the US and all over the world.

Am I saying it's okay to use words that may offend people? No but I'm offering a more realistic perspective.

We need to start examining people's tone and intention when they speak. We can't just assume someone is being racist just because they use a word. You can be a racist without using racist or derogatory words. I think probably the biggest issue I have with banning words or being so anal about people's use of words that may not be the best is that it really ignores the fact that it's not actually words that communicate the message, it's the tone, it's the emotionality, it's the intention. As I said, you can have the most closed minded and ignorant mentality and yet use the most beautiful words. It's all how you say things and the actions you take towards people that speak volumes. Or it's your lack of words (eg read my blogs about aimee buxton who totally embodies this quality) and your body language that conveys your racist attitude towards people. You can be a racist and an asshole without saying a single world to someone! One of the biggest things I learned in my Catholic school days was there was a type of sin called Sins of Omission which basically where sins where you didn't take action when you could of, think of the Good Samaritan and the people before him who didn't bother helping out the person that was in need, but his so called enemy, the Samaritan, saved his life. So you can ignore people and demonstrate that your racist because you're just too good to talk to them. But no one would call you racist if you actually never said anything. You're deemed not racist, which we all know is not the truth of the situation.

I'm a blood donor and if a 'gypsy' needed my blood, I wouldn't object. I'm not a racist and if I ever saw a Roma person who needed genuine help, their cultural background isn't going to impact my decision on whether I would help them.

I'm sorry but I am not going to stop using the word 'gypped'. I see no harm in it and if people want to be offended, that's there business.

I know in Pakistan, calling someone a Paki is common and not racist but in North America, it's considered racist. Again, words in and of themselves have no meaning. We ascribe the meaning. Clearly when I made this comment in the forum for my course, there was no attack towards anyone.

I have another example of over PC behaviour at my school. There is a regular Thursday afternoon coffee discussion gathering. I thought I would check it out. When I was there, I realized everyone seemed...well gay. When they started the topic discussion about Positive Space, I realized this was a group for gay people. Positive Space are these logos that are plastered all over the school that are safe places for gay students. For me, I actually don't like them because as a straight person, it makes me feel like I'm not wanted. I kept quiet the whole time but I wanted to speak out on some of their issues. I wanted to offer a straight person's perspective who isn't homophobic. There was one key topic that came up, I can't remember it now, I would have to check my journal as I think I wrote about it but I just wanted to tell them that they shouldn't give a shit what others think of their sexuality. I think lots of them felt insecure but they are all probably in their early 20s so most people feel insecure anyways at that age. Eventually as you get older, you realize most people don't care about your sexuality and are too self absorbed with their own life. Just be happy and be yourself.

The other comment that was brought up that irked me was how they were getting offended by how people use the word gay in a derogatory manner, like if someone wears something odd, they will say 'that's so gay'. I'm sorry but I remember the word 'queer' was highly derogatory and now they use that all the time and it's not. Gay used to mean happy.

The point is that the meaning of words change. This again proves my point in a logical manner that words in and of themselves have no meaning. It's the meaning we give it. And words can have multiple meanings.

I think the bottom line is this reaffirms my theory that people just want to be offended. People cannot just be happy and let people be. They have to find something to be offended by, even it really has no direct impact on them. People have been very hurtful to me and as an Italian, there are lots of racist attitudes I have experienced but because I am white, it doesn't really matter.

I think people just get so caught up in these little details and I am a big picture person. I look at the big picture and that's why most things don't upset me. I think if people weren't so reactive about being PC, we may as a society be able to become more progressive because we are giving people the opportunity to express themselves, rather than banning words and giving ourselves a false sense that we are eliminating the problem by simple not using a very small percentage of words.

For me, I just have a different world view from this prof. I believe more that's important to have free speech. Usually these PC people are obsessed about hurting people's feelings but for me, that's not something I value too much because I value freedom of speech more. Doesn't mean I don't care about people's feelings, it's just that freedom is my highest value and something I will protect.

My New Dating Rule

Greetings all,

I came up with this dating rule last year but I thought I'd share with others one of my new rules. The new rule is basically I will not even consider dating a man that has children. I've dated 2 of them and both seem to complicate things unnecessarily. I read an article in the Spectator this morning about how a man left his wife and kids to be in a new relationship and the children are not very nice to the girlfriend.

I can relate to this as my last boyfriend's son was very cold towards me and would rarely say anything. It made me feel like I was the bad guy and I wasn't. I tried to talk to him but it was like talking to a wall, much like what it was like to be around aimee, in fact I would say it was worse. It's bad enough that my ex made me look like the bad guy in front of our friends but now I have to feel like that when the son was around? It was a little too much for me.

I can understand why kids act that way towards a new love interest. It ruins their fantasy that mommy and daddy are not together and may never be. I don't know what it's like to come from a broken home because my parents are still married and maybe if I were him, I would be resentful. I have some understanding towards this type of situation, but this is where the parent is to step in and teach the child that it's not appropriate to treat someone like that, especially if they have never done anything wrong. But obviously my ex sides with his son and believed that I was the mean one and that I didn't like the son. I don't know how my ex would feel if the tables were turned. Would he like it if I had a daughter who basically said nothing to him and was rude when he tried to make conversation towards her? After experiencing that a few times, wouldn't he just not talk as much and be polite so as not to experience the cruelty of the silence and unspoken rejection?

Maybe the mother was making me look like the bad guy, I don't know but why would I, a grown woman, have anything against a pre-teen? Let's just say my ex was not a very rational and logical man so he tends to react to things emotionally so I can see where he is irrationally coming from.

When I dated a divorced man with 2 children 10 years ago, his children really liked me, although they probably thought I was weird. And I probably was considering most adults didn't act silly like I do. They still seemed to like me as my weirdness is endearing to most people.

I think these men with children are better off sticking with 'their own kind'. My ex with the 2 kids ended up remarrying and remarried a woman that had kids so they probably understand each other and he probably wanted a mother figure for his children since his ex wife was not a good role model, considering she never worked and probably suffered from depression. I've seen what his wife looks like (the new one of probably 5 years) and she looks very working class (What do you expect from Hamilton anyways?) i.e. she was ugly as a boot.

When I told my friend this a few years ago, she pointed out how he probably was looking for a mother and I never really thought about this. This was probably why he stopped loving me when I went away to Yellowknife to work for 4 months.

The sad thing I learned about this ex is that his son, now 18 or 19 already had a child at the age of either 17 or 18. My theory is that the son never felt loved and cared for by his mother and so was probably desperate for female affection. I know most kids have sex at that age but usually they are responsible. It's sad because in a way he may struggle for years trying to find a good job to provide. You change so much from 18-25 and I doubt that relationship will last, although he does seem happy and in love but I chalk that up to youthful naivety.

On some level it bothers me, because I want to have children and be married but the older I get, I wonder if it will happen. I am in school too and I might not feel ready to have a child until I finish school and by that time I may be 39 and that's old!

I don't know what my ex's son's relation to his mother is like but I think he may be on the same path if he is not adequately receiving love from a woman caretaker. My ex painted his ex as a demon but that's his perception. Maybe she is nice and a good mother. I don't know and it's not my business.

I know our society talks about girls who don't have positive father figures in their lives and how they act out this deficiency by seeking love by being promiscuous and confusing sex with love. We don't seem to make the connection that boys that grow up with out receiving adequate love from a mother figure end up acting the same way and I think my ex's son is a perfect example.

The other reason why I am no longer even going to consider dating a man with kids is that the men don't seem to realize the sacrifice you make as the single person with no 'baggage' (are kids really baggage? in some sense they are). I didn't get to spend as much time with my last boyfriend because he required time to be with his son. My other ex with the 2 kids was primarily a full time dad and I didn't get to spend too much time alone with him because the kids always came first.

I clearly can handle being on my own but not my ex. When I had to temporarily live out of town with my parents, he couldn't handle his alone time and started pursuing a relationship with another woman. I could have been an asshole while we were dating and spent time with other men while he was in daddy mode but I never did. I am an honorable woman and being disloyal is not in my nature.

He never said a kind word about my sacrifice. I could have pursued any man I wanted to and probably should have pursued a man that had a more simpler life.

The other issue I had was that he seemed to think somehow being a dad made him more special than everyone else. One example was I would visit him using my parent's car while I was temporarily living with them. This was the period when we were trying to get back together after the 'titles' issue. I parked on the street and he kept saying I wouldn't get a ticket as I stayed until 12.45am and the law states you cannot park on the street after midnight without a permit. I ended up getting a ticket and he said he would pay for it. He never did. I broke up with him a few days later because he lied to me that night about how he went to Hamilton with friends. He told me a week before he was planning to clean his house (which seems to be a common excuse) and then after that weekend passed said he went to Hamilton and that the day trip was planned for the weekend a week ahead. We all know, I can't handle liars. Normally a white lie may not have phased me but we were trying to get back together and I was getting suspicious of how he was defending aimee (his current girlfriend, the Mighty Leader of the Introverts!). I don't know but I can't handle someone lying but I can't handle someone whom I am starting to mistrust because I could tell something strange was going on between him and another woman.

My parent's car is obviously in their name and I couldn't pay the ticket because I was in school and not working. I told my mom about the ticket and how he said he would pay but never did. She emailed him (and I am guessing he thought it was me but it wasn't) but the asshole ignored her. She even said she would accept half the cost of the ticket. Sadly she ended up paying for it since I didn't have the money (I was on welfare at the time too. I was literally poor). I just don't get people that don't take responsibility for their actions. If you said you were going to pay for it, man up and pay for it. Just because I broke up with him for being an asshole and lying about going to Hamilton, doesn't make it right to shirk responsibility.

My parents are important to me and are just as important to me as his son is to him but he didn't seem to care and the fact that he never paid the bill was ridiculous. My mom was disappointed by his behaviour as well. My parents are my only family at this time in my life and I really respected their car and how they allowed me to use it. I used to use their past cars when I was a teenager and I was not the best of drivers and so I have caused some damage to their car and it made me feel bad. Now that I am an adult, I try to take care of their things and my ex at the time wasn't being helpful and supportive when I wanted to move my car so that it wouldn't get ticketed.

My ex was a very selfish, yet charming 'man'. I do realize I need to pick better men and at least I realized eventually that he would not make a good life long partner due to his selfishness. I have decided to have dating rules and not dating dads is one of them. As mentioned in previous posts, I have done lots of reading about relationships and basically I am looking for a man that meets the following criteria (based on the dating coach Evan Marc Katz): kindness, consistency, compromise, communication and values.

My Hair

Greetings all,

I started bleaching my hair last year and basically had blonde hair. I realized at the end of last year that I could do more funky things with my hair so I decided to start colouring it a variety of different colours. A couple of months ago I got it coloured pink. I was like Jem, a child hood show that I used to love. And I actually still have my own Jem doll from childhood.

Two weeks ago I coloured it aqua and now the colour is fading so it's looking a bit like a light sky blue. The colour I got is semi permanent colour so it's only supposed to last a few weeks. The day after I coloured my hair aqua, I felt like I was a super hero. And I liked it!

My parents however, do not like it and constantly bitch to me about it. They bitched a lot when I bleached my hair to be blonde and now they complain how they prefer the blonde. My mother admits she likes my blonde better, even though she would bitch when I was blonde, she liked my natural hair colour.

Honestly I do not see what the big deal is. I am allowed to experiment with my hair and I might as well do it now since I am in school. It's just hair but it seems to be this massive topic of conversation in my family. It's like, fuck I have coloured hair. Big deal. Can we talk about partial derivatives or something more interesting?
You don't like my hair, I get it. Now shut up about it. I have to hear about it constantly.

I don't like when my mother perms her hair. She looks like a poodle. But I don't bitch every 5 minutes about it. They need to get lives. They ask me if other students have their hair coloured. Maybe a few but mostly there are Asians in my school and Asians aren't really known for being experimental with their hair. I've seen a few, but the majority of kids at my school are not wild or creative with their hair styles.

I don't get it. I do what I feel like doing. I don't copy people. I do my own thing. I follow the beat of my own drum. You don't like what I do? Okay. Whatever. I'm going to live my life the way I want to.

It's very annoying to have such conservative parents like mine. For most people, it's not a big deal but for them that's all they seem to talk about. Annoying. But I'm not going to change. I'm a free spirit and I change for no one!

What Does it Mean to Act Like a Man?

Greetings all,

I read this newspaper article that talked about what does it mean to act like a man? This was something I talked about with a previous boyfriend I had and I would always comment that men are only allowed to show certain emotions. 1. lust (within reason) and 2. happiness. That's it. I don't want to deal with a man that is fearful, angry and insecure.

I've done a lot of reading about men and their inner lives, mainly because I was wanting to be in a relationship and wanted to get a better understanding of men and have read how many times men's emotional lives get repressed because it's not considered 'manly' to be emotional.

One point from the article that I have heard before in books that men complain about when they do attempt to open up to their wives or girlfriends was as follows:
A friend once remarked, "My wife always says I should open up, but when I do she doesn't want me to have the feelings I have."

Most women I know want a man to be a protector and at least a provider (now-a-days sometimes they are the bread winner so at least they want a man that makes money, not necessarily more than them). Most women want a man to make them feel safe. I know I do. But how can a man make a woman feel safe if he always goes on about how scared he is of stuff? Or if he is always angry?

From this perspective, I totally feel these common responses of women toward men are justified. We want to feel safe and we only want to hear certain things from our men. I don't think hearing other men talk about their fears would bother me as much but if my man is so fearful and insecure, it's just a turn off.

I think there is a fine line between being vulnerable and being insecure. Openly talking about if you feel worried about something would be fine or maybe you have a small fear. But if you all you do is go on about how insecure you are or how you are always worried, it's just not attractive.

If a woman was the same way, I think eventually it would wear a man down. I think women as well need to talk responsibility for their thoughts and feelings and if they are in a state of always insecure, that's not healthy either.

I keep a journal and have done so for over 10 years. I write my most darkest thoughts and insecurities there but I don't go sharing it with everybody. If I do talk about my feelings, I give people the processed feelings for the most part because I want to be able to self reflect. I expect this from my man as well. I do not use men as emotional dumping grounds and if I were to be married or in a relationship, I would expect the same courtesy. Take some time for yourself and do some self reflection and then come open up to me about how you feel. I certainly would be more receptive to that.

Maybe in that quote I quoted earlier, the man was just dumping on the wife. No one wants that.

The only other point I had to make was that sometimes people can only handle the insecurities of others that they are comfortable with and have worked out for themselves. If you are fearful about something and your man or a friend brings up something that triggers this fear or insecurity, you are less likely to be receptive to them.

For example, if you as a woman already have deep fears and insecurity when it comes to money (like me for example), you don't want your man to come talk to you about his own fears about money because you may not have gotten around to being more at peace with your issues so you react and be triggered and just don't want to hear his fears or insecurities. If you were in a more better emotional state and dealt with your stuff, then you wouldn't have that reaction.

So to me if a woman does react to a man bringing up his fears appropriately, it to me signals she may have issues about that particular subject. Either way, we should not be making men and women feel bad about their fears because most people are insecure to some degree. Some more than others.

The other point I wanted to make was since I read a lot about men, I have read how men do not like women baring their full emotions so this article may not totally be accurate and just a whine piece. Men do not like when a woman gets angry and I have read that if you are to approach a man and are angry, you have to do it a certain way. I think in general this applies to everyone. If you are angry, there are ways to deal with it and be approachable.

I think men can tolerate a woman being more insecure because men are still to be the protector and so it's cute if a woman is insecure but after a while, if the woman is always insecure, it turns off the man.

To me everyone needs to work on their emotions and improving their emotional intelligence. Men and women. This isn't a gender issue but a human issue. I have seen many women demonstrate low emotional intelligence by not dealing with problems and running away from things all the time or just ignoring the feelings of others and being passive about what happens. There is really only one way to be and that is to take responsibility for your inner world and how you communicate with others your inner world.  While we may not always communicate gracefully, it should be something we strive for in our relationships and friendships.