Today is Halloween.
Halloween I'd have to say is probably my all time favourite holiday.
Sure life sucks sometimes, you have to deal with prices of things always going up, people being ignorant etc, etc, however when Halloween rolls around and people open their doors to children giving them candy, for this one evening, I feel all is well with the world.
Think about what Halloween represents. It's an event where we all agree to give candy to kids that we don't know all because they get dressed up.
Halloween touches my heart because I love candy and Halloween was something I always got excited for. I wasn't into getting dressed up, I was just in it for the candy. I always thought the getting dressed up part was lame. Just get a mother fucking pillow case to hold your candy and fucking go. Fuck this costume crap. The whole getting dressed up part takes the focus away from the main purpose of Halloween: getting the most free candy as possible in the shortest possible time.
Halloween was about candy efficiency. You never waste your time going down a 30 house block where only 5 are lit. You go to the streets with the most lit houses.
I didn't give out candy this year (worked late), but I did last year, which was my first time. I had this fear of the children. I usually feel some level of fear when meeting people for the first time so that was part of why I didn't want to give candy to children. My mother usually does it. But I overcame my fear of giving out candy last year. I took my guitar with me on my porch and would play and give out candy. Not too many kids come in my neighborhood. Usually 10-15. It felt good to give back to the community, to give what I so enjoyed taking from people.
I had myself a date on Saturday. I enjoyed it. I'm now wondering when should I put out. I hear stories of married women who didn't even kiss their to-be-husband in the beginning. When is a good time to put out? I'm not a slut. I like sex though. I am mindful with my sexuality. I like to feel some level of intellectual and emotional connection as well.
My dictionary defines slut as: "a promiscuous woman".
Frankly, I was quite disappointed with this short entry. I specifically bought this dictionary because it had swear words like fuck, pussy, cunt and asshole. All of these definitions had several long descriptions.
I'm not lying, these words are really in my dictionary. It's the Canadian Oxford paperback.
So my question is, does having sex early on in a relationship make the woman appear easy?
I don't like the idea of waiting to have sex. I find it better to get it over with early on in the relationship, otherwise all I'll think about is wanting to get laid and wondering what he's like in bed. At least if we have sex early on, we can better focus on getting to know each other because we'd have fulfilled our sexual needs.
Frankly I'll just use a metafuckaphor to better explain because that's what I like to do.
If your hungry, which is a basic human need, you hit a certain point where if you are not eating and getting your basic needs met, all you do is think about food. If at least you ate something, then your body will be satisfied and your mind will be able to focus on other important things instead of food.
So I probably should have sex with this person asap otherwise I'll never really get to know him. I'll just be too busy fantasizing...
One argument for waiting to put out goes as following:
From a man's perspective, if a woman puts out early, doesn't that just make you lose interest to a degree? Isn't it about the thrill of the hunt? Once you get your prey (i.e. sex), really where is the thrill?
My counter argument goes as following:
The thrill is the continual getting of some. This whole idea of thrill of the hunt is ridiculous.
Frankly if you are a man who is just into chasing you need to grow the fuck up.
Fuck the woman.
Then fuck her again.
Then fuck her some more.
How fucking hard is that?
Monday, October 31, 2005
Friday, October 28, 2005
Financial Times
I found out that the new job I'll be going to has moved the start date from the 16th to the 21st. So that means I have to temp for 3 more weeks! They gave me a work schedule and I don't know how often they change schedules but I at least get my Thursdays and Sundays off which means I'll be able to attend things that I value, like my improv and my study group.
I've purchased last week these 3 mantra programs from amazon.ca by Thomas Ashley-Farrand. I took out a mantra cd of his from the library entitled A Beginners Guide to Mantra Meditation. I really liked it as an introductory to mantras and have decided to undertake a 40 day mantra meditation. I am meditating on my throat chakra and the seed sound for that is ham (sounds like hum). I began it on the 17th and will do it for 6 weeks. I've done mantra chanting before and find it to be an effective tool for clearing the mind and bringing subconscious or unconscious issues to awareness. I have a few issues I would like to work out. I've been consciously working on my inner self for about 8 years and I can actually say I am getting to the point where I feel that I have transformed myself to the person that I have envisioned myself to be. There are a few more things to work on but I really feel solid inwardly.
One of my areas which I am trying to be at peace with is my relationship to money. I was always a saver as a child and I didn't understand how people can be so frivolous with their money. But I also have a greedy aspect with that in that I just want to keep it all and keep acquiring. I just want to hoard the money.
I spent some time reading books on how to manage your money and various philosophies on money management. I have attended one or two financial workshops as well. I decided to get into small businesses that didn't really require much of my time. I came across an ad a few years ago where you could purchase debit terminals and a company would manage that and you would get a portion of the user fee. I decided to make that investment because point of sale terminals are becoming quite popular. I purchased 12 of them and took out a loan. There's a difference between good debt and bad debt. Bad debt is wasting all your money on useless things that in time, will never put money in your pocket whereas good debt will. I figured that I would be making enough money to cover my loan. I took a 4 year $30,000 loan which would cost me approximately $764 a month. I was expecting to make $900 a month. The company gave information on projected profits and I thought $900 was a reasonable profit. Or maybe that was the greed. I completed my business transaction December 19, 2002.
I ended up making around $500 to $530 a month. I was upset because here I was thinking I'd be making more and I wasn't. What did I do wrong? Things weren't going according to plan. I was supposed to make $900 and take a small profit and in 4 years, can work less.
This year the company made an offer to trade in the terminals you own into stock. I did that and I now get a quarterly dividend cheque. Unfortunately I now had to pay my monthly loan in full with my own money, which become really hard since I got let go at my job in February due to not enough work. I was on Employment Insurance for 6 months. I was reluctant to collect it; I'm a rugged individualist, I don't like handouts. I realized that I pay into it and I have a right to collect it. And I probably may not need to use it at all in the future so I didn't need to feel ashamed about needing help, especially if I've paid into it.
A few months after I purchased these terminals, I heard about a small business convention in Toronto which I attended. I saw 2 businesses that looked like I could do and that could be profitable. I wanted money so that I could move out on my own and live a decent lifestyle. I was getting sick of working as a temp and I wanted more free time so that I could pursue a creative lifestyle. I'm not a highly materialistic person. I just wanted enough money for a car, clothes and books and other miscellaneous fun stuff.
I ended up going with the 2 businesses, one of which I'm still too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone. I paid that one with cash, $8000 of which I wonder if I'll ever get to see back. About 1 month into the business, I realized that I didn't like doing it. I don't know the legalities of small business but I wanted my money back. I wrote them a letter last year but haven't heard from them. I don't know if I should speak to a lawyer but I read my contract and it doesn't look like I can get my money back.
The other business I got into was a gumball vending machine business. I went with 25 of them (which was the lowest package offer the had). They had a package for 50 or 100 machines. I thought this one would do well based on the company's projected profits. I thought I could make $1000 a month. I got a lease and the company has a company that they deal with for leases. My lease is 3 years and it's $540 a month.
Part of my proceeds goes towards a charity and that's one way of being able to secure a location. I collected about $200-300 a month. I now service half every other month and the rest as well, every other month.
I just have so much hatred for this business that I am responsible for. I want to sell it or maybe the leasing company will take it back. I just don't want it! Maybe there is someone out there who would enjoy this task, but not me. Every business has problems but if you like what you do, then you probably can tolerate the problems. But I was just in it for the money, and so whatever problem I am encountering in this business, frustrates me. I don't care about it and it's just not healthy to be involved in activities that you don't care about. I still do a good job but I'm so unhappy in this small area of my life.
So one of the programs that I purchased from Thomas Ashley-Farrand is his Financial Abundance program. I've used Wayne Dyer's Meditations for Manifesting where he uses 2 mantras, one for focusing on what you want to create and attract into your life and the other one for focusing on the things in your life you are grateful for. I enjoyed doing them. I've meditated silently before but I think using a mantra and chanting out loud, is more potent and effective. I'm not sure but I feel more active when I chant.
There's 2 mantras, one for removing obstacles towards abundance and the other for abundance. There are a bunch more but on the CD program, it lists these 2 as the basic. I am starting my 40 day discipline today and have already done my daily practice today.
I realized a few days ago that I am not at peace with myself in this area. I want to find the right person soon and get married. That means I will merge my life with someone else. How can I merge my financial life with someone else if I don't even have peace with my own financial life?
I've got to clean up this mess and develop a healthy relationship to money. I am at war with myself. I feel so ashamed about my mistakes. I feel so stupid.
My greed... who are you?
What are you?
So I'm taking control and I'm going to kick this financial problem in the ass. My ego is going to take a beaten' but peace is all I want.
I've purchased last week these 3 mantra programs from amazon.ca by Thomas Ashley-Farrand. I took out a mantra cd of his from the library entitled A Beginners Guide to Mantra Meditation. I really liked it as an introductory to mantras and have decided to undertake a 40 day mantra meditation. I am meditating on my throat chakra and the seed sound for that is ham (sounds like hum). I began it on the 17th and will do it for 6 weeks. I've done mantra chanting before and find it to be an effective tool for clearing the mind and bringing subconscious or unconscious issues to awareness. I have a few issues I would like to work out. I've been consciously working on my inner self for about 8 years and I can actually say I am getting to the point where I feel that I have transformed myself to the person that I have envisioned myself to be. There are a few more things to work on but I really feel solid inwardly.
One of my areas which I am trying to be at peace with is my relationship to money. I was always a saver as a child and I didn't understand how people can be so frivolous with their money. But I also have a greedy aspect with that in that I just want to keep it all and keep acquiring. I just want to hoard the money.
I spent some time reading books on how to manage your money and various philosophies on money management. I have attended one or two financial workshops as well. I decided to get into small businesses that didn't really require much of my time. I came across an ad a few years ago where you could purchase debit terminals and a company would manage that and you would get a portion of the user fee. I decided to make that investment because point of sale terminals are becoming quite popular. I purchased 12 of them and took out a loan. There's a difference between good debt and bad debt. Bad debt is wasting all your money on useless things that in time, will never put money in your pocket whereas good debt will. I figured that I would be making enough money to cover my loan. I took a 4 year $30,000 loan which would cost me approximately $764 a month. I was expecting to make $900 a month. The company gave information on projected profits and I thought $900 was a reasonable profit. Or maybe that was the greed. I completed my business transaction December 19, 2002.
I ended up making around $500 to $530 a month. I was upset because here I was thinking I'd be making more and I wasn't. What did I do wrong? Things weren't going according to plan. I was supposed to make $900 and take a small profit and in 4 years, can work less.
This year the company made an offer to trade in the terminals you own into stock. I did that and I now get a quarterly dividend cheque. Unfortunately I now had to pay my monthly loan in full with my own money, which become really hard since I got let go at my job in February due to not enough work. I was on Employment Insurance for 6 months. I was reluctant to collect it; I'm a rugged individualist, I don't like handouts. I realized that I pay into it and I have a right to collect it. And I probably may not need to use it at all in the future so I didn't need to feel ashamed about needing help, especially if I've paid into it.
A few months after I purchased these terminals, I heard about a small business convention in Toronto which I attended. I saw 2 businesses that looked like I could do and that could be profitable. I wanted money so that I could move out on my own and live a decent lifestyle. I was getting sick of working as a temp and I wanted more free time so that I could pursue a creative lifestyle. I'm not a highly materialistic person. I just wanted enough money for a car, clothes and books and other miscellaneous fun stuff.
I ended up going with the 2 businesses, one of which I'm still too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone. I paid that one with cash, $8000 of which I wonder if I'll ever get to see back. About 1 month into the business, I realized that I didn't like doing it. I don't know the legalities of small business but I wanted my money back. I wrote them a letter last year but haven't heard from them. I don't know if I should speak to a lawyer but I read my contract and it doesn't look like I can get my money back.
The other business I got into was a gumball vending machine business. I went with 25 of them (which was the lowest package offer the had). They had a package for 50 or 100 machines. I thought this one would do well based on the company's projected profits. I thought I could make $1000 a month. I got a lease and the company has a company that they deal with for leases. My lease is 3 years and it's $540 a month.
Part of my proceeds goes towards a charity and that's one way of being able to secure a location. I collected about $200-300 a month. I now service half every other month and the rest as well, every other month.
I just have so much hatred for this business that I am responsible for. I want to sell it or maybe the leasing company will take it back. I just don't want it! Maybe there is someone out there who would enjoy this task, but not me. Every business has problems but if you like what you do, then you probably can tolerate the problems. But I was just in it for the money, and so whatever problem I am encountering in this business, frustrates me. I don't care about it and it's just not healthy to be involved in activities that you don't care about. I still do a good job but I'm so unhappy in this small area of my life.
So one of the programs that I purchased from Thomas Ashley-Farrand is his Financial Abundance program. I've used Wayne Dyer's Meditations for Manifesting where he uses 2 mantras, one for focusing on what you want to create and attract into your life and the other one for focusing on the things in your life you are grateful for. I enjoyed doing them. I've meditated silently before but I think using a mantra and chanting out loud, is more potent and effective. I'm not sure but I feel more active when I chant.
There's 2 mantras, one for removing obstacles towards abundance and the other for abundance. There are a bunch more but on the CD program, it lists these 2 as the basic. I am starting my 40 day discipline today and have already done my daily practice today.
I realized a few days ago that I am not at peace with myself in this area. I want to find the right person soon and get married. That means I will merge my life with someone else. How can I merge my financial life with someone else if I don't even have peace with my own financial life?
I've got to clean up this mess and develop a healthy relationship to money. I am at war with myself. I feel so ashamed about my mistakes. I feel so stupid.
My greed... who are you?
What are you?
So I'm taking control and I'm going to kick this financial problem in the ass. My ego is going to take a beaten' but peace is all I want.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Rant Time
Greetings and Salutations successful embryos,
I feel like ranting and so that is what I will do.
You have been warned!
I am bored now and have already amused myself these past few days with reading, guitar and qigong. I also made an icosahedron from construction paper. I made a dodecahedron last month but I did not make my pentagons precise enough (it's composed of 12 pentagons). Whereas my icosahedron is composed of 20 equilaterial triangles, which is easier to make precisely.
That's right cocksuckers, I'm a fucking math and geometry nerd. That's right when I was a kid I excelled at math. I secretly enjoyed doing all sorts of math formulas and was quite delighted in grade 4 when we made geometric shapes out of paper. Yeah fucking cyclinders are cool. I liked math.
There mother fuckers I'm coming out the closet!
One day I will create new math, just like Newton.
I've even had dreams about math formulas I've never seen. Mind you that's happened a few times and I was not able to make sense of them. But all in due time folks, all in due time, the world will bow to my inner genius!
People like me are so misunderstood. They do not see what lives in our souls. It is only the sensitive and socially aware people who comprehend great souls such as myself.
Delusional you say? Filled with egotism?
Delusional no, filled with egotism why yes of course.
That's why I entitled this entry, rant time.
It is time for me to lash out at the world.
Time for me to complain!
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
Damn you all narcistic fools!
Damn all of you folks in your little cocoons, unable to go beyond your small existence!
Do you not concern your souls with the meaning of life?
Do you not concern yourself with death and life?
Do you not concern yourself with who really are the people that you meet?
Do you not concern yourself with how much garbage and useless stuff we are creating on this earth? What is the solution to our excessive consumer and industrial waste?
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
The world is lucky that great souls such as myself, inspite of our rage, have great compassion and tolerance for the ignorance, shortsightedness and selfishness of people.
Damn you world!
My only choice is tolerance and compassion!
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
Why can't I be cold and heartless!
Why can't I turn my back against the world!
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
I feel like ranting and so that is what I will do.
You have been warned!
I am bored now and have already amused myself these past few days with reading, guitar and qigong. I also made an icosahedron from construction paper. I made a dodecahedron last month but I did not make my pentagons precise enough (it's composed of 12 pentagons). Whereas my icosahedron is composed of 20 equilaterial triangles, which is easier to make precisely.
That's right cocksuckers, I'm a fucking math and geometry nerd. That's right when I was a kid I excelled at math. I secretly enjoyed doing all sorts of math formulas and was quite delighted in grade 4 when we made geometric shapes out of paper. Yeah fucking cyclinders are cool. I liked math.
There mother fuckers I'm coming out the closet!
One day I will create new math, just like Newton.
I've even had dreams about math formulas I've never seen. Mind you that's happened a few times and I was not able to make sense of them. But all in due time folks, all in due time, the world will bow to my inner genius!
People like me are so misunderstood. They do not see what lives in our souls. It is only the sensitive and socially aware people who comprehend great souls such as myself.
Delusional you say? Filled with egotism?
Delusional no, filled with egotism why yes of course.
That's why I entitled this entry, rant time.
It is time for me to lash out at the world.
Time for me to complain!
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
Damn you all narcistic fools!
Damn all of you folks in your little cocoons, unable to go beyond your small existence!
Do you not concern your souls with the meaning of life?
Do you not concern yourself with death and life?
Do you not concern yourself with who really are the people that you meet?
Do you not concern yourself with how much garbage and useless stuff we are creating on this earth? What is the solution to our excessive consumer and industrial waste?
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
The world is lucky that great souls such as myself, inspite of our rage, have great compassion and tolerance for the ignorance, shortsightedness and selfishness of people.
Damn you world!
My only choice is tolerance and compassion!
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
Why can't I be cold and heartless!
Why can't I turn my back against the world!
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
Monday, October 24, 2005
My experience at the World Rock Paper Scissors Championship
Greetings and Salutations fellow homosapiens,
I attended the World RPS tournment which was on the 22nd of October. I went by myself and my focus was strictly on competing to win. The venue was in Toronto at the Steam Whistle Brewery. It was a nice venue as I believe they make beer there as well. I had to wait in line in the rain for about 30 minutes and as soon as I got there, a long lineup started to form behind me.
Behind me was this group of French speaking youngins' who had black and white skeleton makeup on. I saw a lot of people dressed up in team uniforms. There were some normal people there as well not dressed up. At least half the people were dressed up. The age range seemed predominantly people in their early to mid 20s. There were older people there as well.
I pre-registered online so I was guaranteed a spot. There's only a certain number of people allowed to compete. I was number 418. They give all contestants a RPS pin and a RPS card game. Seriously why is a game like this in card format?
Anyways, there are 16 areas set up and I was set to participate in wave 4 of the preliminary rounds.
I started scoping out the scene to see what kind of throws people would throw out first. There was a group of guys dressed up in Blue Jay outfits and someone on their team was dressed in a wedding gown. I went over to my area and asked when wave 4 begins but they were on the second wave. I was getting bored because I wanted to play. When you register, they give you $5 in fun bucks and you use that to compete with others when participating in Street RPS. At first when I read about street rps online I thought it meant that people would actually be on the street competing but it meant that people are competing in the venue for fun. So if I challenge someone to street RPS, I'd put down my fun money and they as well and whoever wins best 3 of 3 keeps the money. In the end of the night, the top 4 compete for real money.
I was observing the street RPS and there was a team from Norway. Three of them were young and one of them was probably around 9. I'm not sure how old he was but when I started watching him compete in street rps, he seemed undefeated and I saw him compete several times and win. I thought the age requirement was 19.
A part of me didn't want to see this kid get beaten. But at some point this kid will lose a round. Who wants to see a kid learn this lesson at such a young age? And whoever beats him is probably going to feel some level of guilt because the money they take was money from a kid.
On the other hand, I wanted to see this kid lose. An RPS competition like this should be for adults. Have a separate event for kids! If a kid is always winning, he'll get arrogant. And why should a kid win just cause he's a kid. If he wants to play with the big boys, we shouldn't have to throw a game just cause we're playing with a kid.
Also a few people had videocameras and cameras and some guy got this girl to lift her top off while he cupped her boobs in front of a camera and video. I don't know if the guy knew this girl.
American slut I bet.
Seriously, no other girl was behaving like that. I don't have a problem with chicks flashing their boobs but it all depends on the context of the situation.
Attention grabbing American slut I say!
At one point I sat down and some guy chatted up with me. I get quite restless sometimes so I had to move around some more and then sat back down. I was sitting again near the washroom when some guy asked me if he could trust me to hold his beer as he went to the washroom since you can't take beer in there. I didn't have to think twice about my trustworthiness and I said yes. He said I could drink some if I wanted to but I'm a Guiness girl. Drinking regular beer is like drinking water for me. He seemed to be taking a long time and I just felt like leaving because I was getting restless again. He did come out and I walked around some more.
Eventually it was my time to compete. A wave consists of 8 people competing and only 2 get to make it to the second 2 of 128. So the maximum number of people allowed to compete in this competition was 512. My first round was against some guy and he said it was okay for me to throw rock. Now I'm not stupid but I read about this in the advanced tactics on the RPS site. The psychology of that is that you won't throw rock and that means it would be safe to throw scissors. But I threw rock anyways and he threw paper.
Cunt.
He ended up winning the first match but I wasn't going to let that bother me. I didn't want to lose in the preliminaries. What an embarrassment!
I ended up winning that match because I tapped into the RPS zone. Every cell in my body was focused on winning and not letting some pretty boy cunt get to me.
I had a second match and I also won that.
I was glad that I made it to the round of 128. There was some still lots of time until the next round. When I passed by the people I won, I felt humbled. I think if you win, you've got to keep yourself grounded and focused.
The number they assign us has a tag on it that says 'currently undefeated' and if you lose, they detach it from your number.
I saw many people after my round who didn't have the 'currently undefeated' on their number. I felt for them because I'm sure it sucks to get defeated so early. Those who get to go on to the next round gets a tag to hang around your neck. I attached my number onto my tag and was proudly wearing it as I was meandering about. I could see the envy in some people's eyes.
I unfortunately got defeated in the second round by Burlington pussy. He was throwing slowly and you have to be in sync when throwing and I was used to throwing faster. That may have been a factor in throwing me off. When he competed again in this round, I wanted to see him win but he didn't. If someone beats you, you at least want to see them go on to win. I didn't stay very long afterwards as it was late and I was getting tired.
I felt a bit disappointed because I did want to win. I wanted to make it to the round of 32. Maybe I will attend this again but I think I'd like to go with someone.
I enjoyed myself though. I was smiling on my way home.
In other news...
It looks like the gods of finance are throwing some good fortune my way. My parents got some significant inheritance money in Italy and they wanted to give some money for me and my brother. I have a couple of business and investment debts and they gave me money to pay off a loan I had. At first I felt weird that I got money from my parents. I want to take care of myself and do things on my own, I don't want free money for no reason. But since it was an inheritance, which was money from my late grandmother, she'd probably want me to have some and the money was used productively and not frivolously. I'm a rugged individualist. I don't like relying on people much.
But it was a huge relief and so now I'm not stressing over money as much.
I also got notified on Tuesday that I have a new job. Someone I knew from high school works there and we have a mutual friend in common, who told me about how they need people to work there. It's call centre customer service basically, which was something I wanted to move into as I've been doing factory/warehouse work for so long that I wanted an office position.
It's going to be weird for me to work in an office environment. The temp agency had me at an office last week, which is not something they normally do and it felt weird. I'm used to wearing tattered clothes and swearing. Now I actually have to wear nice clothes and be polite.
Office people are a completely different breed of people then factory people. Factory people, while some are ignorant and stupid, have an honestness to them. They might be fucked up and dysfunctional but they don't pretend to be something they are not. Most office people seem to put on this polite facade and that drives me batty sometimes. I hate working in factories/warehouses but at least people seemed interesting sometimes.
I'd just like to say not all factory people are stupid. Many are normal and intelligent people who prefer working with their hands and doing physical work.
I start my training on November 16 for 4 weeks. I'm not really nervous. I'm not sure what to expect. I hope I like it but I really don't know what to expect.
In Anthroposophical news...
I finished reading Towards Social Renewal a few days ago and am reading Social Issues. I want to read Goethe's World View but am deciding if I want to reread these social issue books that I read last year. There's 4 in total (including Social Issues but not TSR) I think this concept of the social order and society are quite necessary to think about because I am 26 and I have been thinking quite sometime about society and the individual and how societies should be structured. And how society needs to be structured in order for individuals to be free to unfold their own inner impulses.
TSR was much easier for me to read this time around. There were a few things I really just didn't get. Like how he talks about creating wages.
I've encountered many people who didn't agree with our capitalistic society, however, capitalism benefits people in certain ways and can be destructive as well. TSR addresses this and points out how the way certain things in society and economics are not clearly understood creates problems.
It's like a 2 edged sword but people seem to focus on the negative. TSR is a call to change our thinking and to develop correct observations and clear thinking on what is really going on in the social organism.
I was in an online study group where they were reading TSR. I wasn't heavily active but one question I thought was relevant to ask was "can we imagine a society without capitalism?". It was something like that, I don't remember exactly but the point was to develop some positive feelings towards capitalism. People don't seem to realize that everything they have is a result of people working together. The ideal of capitalism, as far as I understand is about economic brotherhood. It's about individuals working together to create services and products for others and in turn we all become 'better off' economically. Problems are arising because certain things that are mixing together should be separate.
The ideal of politics is about rights. It's essense is to protect people.
These two realms and the realm of culture, arts and education should all be separate and governed autonomously. The economic realm should not be setting the agenda of education. The educators should be setting the agenda and the economic realm should not be perverting and influencing areas other then the economic realm. This is partly why capitalism is creating problems in society.
Ideals and ideas are real. Ideals are something to be striven for. They may never be attained but that is not the purpose of ideals.
Ideals live in people and that is a fact about humans.
People may turn cynical and scoff at this but this is reality.
Ideals provide a way of doing things, a methodology if you will. But they are not designed to be fulfilled because life is dynamic and not static.
I wish I can talk more about Steiner's social concepts, however, I think in time I will be able to grasp them more clearly.
What I have discussed is just the mere morsels of what I understand. There certainly is more for me to grasp so please accept what limited knowledge I have provided.
There were 2 people who came to the study group, who left for the States in 2003 and also were in BC. They are an elderly couple and will be returning to Brantford as they have family there.
I attended the World RPS tournment which was on the 22nd of October. I went by myself and my focus was strictly on competing to win. The venue was in Toronto at the Steam Whistle Brewery. It was a nice venue as I believe they make beer there as well. I had to wait in line in the rain for about 30 minutes and as soon as I got there, a long lineup started to form behind me.
Behind me was this group of French speaking youngins' who had black and white skeleton makeup on. I saw a lot of people dressed up in team uniforms. There were some normal people there as well not dressed up. At least half the people were dressed up. The age range seemed predominantly people in their early to mid 20s. There were older people there as well.
I pre-registered online so I was guaranteed a spot. There's only a certain number of people allowed to compete. I was number 418. They give all contestants a RPS pin and a RPS card game. Seriously why is a game like this in card format?
Anyways, there are 16 areas set up and I was set to participate in wave 4 of the preliminary rounds.
I started scoping out the scene to see what kind of throws people would throw out first. There was a group of guys dressed up in Blue Jay outfits and someone on their team was dressed in a wedding gown. I went over to my area and asked when wave 4 begins but they were on the second wave. I was getting bored because I wanted to play. When you register, they give you $5 in fun bucks and you use that to compete with others when participating in Street RPS. At first when I read about street rps online I thought it meant that people would actually be on the street competing but it meant that people are competing in the venue for fun. So if I challenge someone to street RPS, I'd put down my fun money and they as well and whoever wins best 3 of 3 keeps the money. In the end of the night, the top 4 compete for real money.
I was observing the street RPS and there was a team from Norway. Three of them were young and one of them was probably around 9. I'm not sure how old he was but when I started watching him compete in street rps, he seemed undefeated and I saw him compete several times and win. I thought the age requirement was 19.
A part of me didn't want to see this kid get beaten. But at some point this kid will lose a round. Who wants to see a kid learn this lesson at such a young age? And whoever beats him is probably going to feel some level of guilt because the money they take was money from a kid.
On the other hand, I wanted to see this kid lose. An RPS competition like this should be for adults. Have a separate event for kids! If a kid is always winning, he'll get arrogant. And why should a kid win just cause he's a kid. If he wants to play with the big boys, we shouldn't have to throw a game just cause we're playing with a kid.
Also a few people had videocameras and cameras and some guy got this girl to lift her top off while he cupped her boobs in front of a camera and video. I don't know if the guy knew this girl.
American slut I bet.
Seriously, no other girl was behaving like that. I don't have a problem with chicks flashing their boobs but it all depends on the context of the situation.
Attention grabbing American slut I say!
At one point I sat down and some guy chatted up with me. I get quite restless sometimes so I had to move around some more and then sat back down. I was sitting again near the washroom when some guy asked me if he could trust me to hold his beer as he went to the washroom since you can't take beer in there. I didn't have to think twice about my trustworthiness and I said yes. He said I could drink some if I wanted to but I'm a Guiness girl. Drinking regular beer is like drinking water for me. He seemed to be taking a long time and I just felt like leaving because I was getting restless again. He did come out and I walked around some more.
Eventually it was my time to compete. A wave consists of 8 people competing and only 2 get to make it to the second 2 of 128. So the maximum number of people allowed to compete in this competition was 512. My first round was against some guy and he said it was okay for me to throw rock. Now I'm not stupid but I read about this in the advanced tactics on the RPS site. The psychology of that is that you won't throw rock and that means it would be safe to throw scissors. But I threw rock anyways and he threw paper.
Cunt.
He ended up winning the first match but I wasn't going to let that bother me. I didn't want to lose in the preliminaries. What an embarrassment!
I ended up winning that match because I tapped into the RPS zone. Every cell in my body was focused on winning and not letting some pretty boy cunt get to me.
I had a second match and I also won that.
I was glad that I made it to the round of 128. There was some still lots of time until the next round. When I passed by the people I won, I felt humbled. I think if you win, you've got to keep yourself grounded and focused.
The number they assign us has a tag on it that says 'currently undefeated' and if you lose, they detach it from your number.
I saw many people after my round who didn't have the 'currently undefeated' on their number. I felt for them because I'm sure it sucks to get defeated so early. Those who get to go on to the next round gets a tag to hang around your neck. I attached my number onto my tag and was proudly wearing it as I was meandering about. I could see the envy in some people's eyes.
I unfortunately got defeated in the second round by Burlington pussy. He was throwing slowly and you have to be in sync when throwing and I was used to throwing faster. That may have been a factor in throwing me off. When he competed again in this round, I wanted to see him win but he didn't. If someone beats you, you at least want to see them go on to win. I didn't stay very long afterwards as it was late and I was getting tired.
I felt a bit disappointed because I did want to win. I wanted to make it to the round of 32. Maybe I will attend this again but I think I'd like to go with someone.
I enjoyed myself though. I was smiling on my way home.
In other news...
It looks like the gods of finance are throwing some good fortune my way. My parents got some significant inheritance money in Italy and they wanted to give some money for me and my brother. I have a couple of business and investment debts and they gave me money to pay off a loan I had. At first I felt weird that I got money from my parents. I want to take care of myself and do things on my own, I don't want free money for no reason. But since it was an inheritance, which was money from my late grandmother, she'd probably want me to have some and the money was used productively and not frivolously. I'm a rugged individualist. I don't like relying on people much.
But it was a huge relief and so now I'm not stressing over money as much.
I also got notified on Tuesday that I have a new job. Someone I knew from high school works there and we have a mutual friend in common, who told me about how they need people to work there. It's call centre customer service basically, which was something I wanted to move into as I've been doing factory/warehouse work for so long that I wanted an office position.
It's going to be weird for me to work in an office environment. The temp agency had me at an office last week, which is not something they normally do and it felt weird. I'm used to wearing tattered clothes and swearing. Now I actually have to wear nice clothes and be polite.
Office people are a completely different breed of people then factory people. Factory people, while some are ignorant and stupid, have an honestness to them. They might be fucked up and dysfunctional but they don't pretend to be something they are not. Most office people seem to put on this polite facade and that drives me batty sometimes. I hate working in factories/warehouses but at least people seemed interesting sometimes.
I'd just like to say not all factory people are stupid. Many are normal and intelligent people who prefer working with their hands and doing physical work.
I start my training on November 16 for 4 weeks. I'm not really nervous. I'm not sure what to expect. I hope I like it but I really don't know what to expect.
In Anthroposophical news...
I finished reading Towards Social Renewal a few days ago and am reading Social Issues. I want to read Goethe's World View but am deciding if I want to reread these social issue books that I read last year. There's 4 in total (including Social Issues but not TSR) I think this concept of the social order and society are quite necessary to think about because I am 26 and I have been thinking quite sometime about society and the individual and how societies should be structured. And how society needs to be structured in order for individuals to be free to unfold their own inner impulses.
TSR was much easier for me to read this time around. There were a few things I really just didn't get. Like how he talks about creating wages.
I've encountered many people who didn't agree with our capitalistic society, however, capitalism benefits people in certain ways and can be destructive as well. TSR addresses this and points out how the way certain things in society and economics are not clearly understood creates problems.
It's like a 2 edged sword but people seem to focus on the negative. TSR is a call to change our thinking and to develop correct observations and clear thinking on what is really going on in the social organism.
I was in an online study group where they were reading TSR. I wasn't heavily active but one question I thought was relevant to ask was "can we imagine a society without capitalism?". It was something like that, I don't remember exactly but the point was to develop some positive feelings towards capitalism. People don't seem to realize that everything they have is a result of people working together. The ideal of capitalism, as far as I understand is about economic brotherhood. It's about individuals working together to create services and products for others and in turn we all become 'better off' economically. Problems are arising because certain things that are mixing together should be separate.
The ideal of politics is about rights. It's essense is to protect people.
These two realms and the realm of culture, arts and education should all be separate and governed autonomously. The economic realm should not be setting the agenda of education. The educators should be setting the agenda and the economic realm should not be perverting and influencing areas other then the economic realm. This is partly why capitalism is creating problems in society.
Ideals and ideas are real. Ideals are something to be striven for. They may never be attained but that is not the purpose of ideals.
Ideals live in people and that is a fact about humans.
People may turn cynical and scoff at this but this is reality.
Ideals provide a way of doing things, a methodology if you will. But they are not designed to be fulfilled because life is dynamic and not static.
I wish I can talk more about Steiner's social concepts, however, I think in time I will be able to grasp them more clearly.
What I have discussed is just the mere morsels of what I understand. There certainly is more for me to grasp so please accept what limited knowledge I have provided.
There were 2 people who came to the study group, who left for the States in 2003 and also were in BC. They are an elderly couple and will be returning to Brantford as they have family there.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Rock Paper Scissors International Championship
I have registered today to participate in the RPS International Championship. It's in Toronto this year on the 22nd of October.
I read about how there are rock paper scissors tournaments around the world in Reader's Digest when I went to get my hair cut.
I'm psyched for the competition, as I've never been in the competition before.
The link is http://www.worldrps.com.
I'm going to kick some mother fucking ass eh!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I have begun my training because I want to win this competition as I can be highly competitive when I want to be.
Evil laugh.
Muuuaahhh ahh ahh.......
I read about how there are rock paper scissors tournaments around the world in Reader's Digest when I went to get my hair cut.
I'm psyched for the competition, as I've never been in the competition before.
The link is http://www.worldrps.com.
I'm going to kick some mother fucking ass eh!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I have begun my training because I want to win this competition as I can be highly competitive when I want to be.
Evil laugh.
Muuuaahhh ahh ahh.......
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Fuck the Pressure
Well some of my friends now know that I have a blog. I have only told a couple of people and maybe one person actually knew the actual address. I wanted to keep it my secret and anyone who was detective enough, would figure out to find it via the wonderful google.
Now I've placed pressure on myself to produce writing that is compelling, interesting, intelligent, exciting, deep and profound.
I want to be perceived as intelligent, witty, funny and exciting.
But the reality of my existence includes ....
Zoning out
Slow to think
Boredom
Being Wrong
Idleness
Non-logical
Excessively logical
Obsessiveness
Mildly Neurotic
And then I looked up the word neurotic to make sure that I am using the word correctly.
I must get a hold of myself.
Whew, okay there, there we go. What is my intention?
What would Oprah do?
Okay, do I want to talk about what I've been reading and talk about mundane things?
Or do I want to talk deep and profound concepts and experiences?
I just don't feel deep and profound today.
I can't be deep and profound all the time!
Anyways, I finished reading Study of Man and am reading Steiner's Towards Social Renewal. There are some ideas and thoughts that I found relevant for today. I usually don't like to share my comments about RS books right away because I usually let the thoughts and ideas digest themselves subconsciously.
Even in my study group, I don't like to comment on things right away because I think that we need to let ideas work on us. I find too many people always have to have an opinion on something and are always quick to refute things.
I get the impression from others that being quick to refute things is a sign of intelligence.
I also finished reading Freakonomics. I thought the book was okay. When I read in the preface or the side flaps how everyone thinks this is such a brilliant book, I get a bit intrigued because I'm always hungry for brilliants ideas and thoughts. It was interesting but it's not brilliant! I'm sorry but I study anthroposophy. Whatever drug produces the best high(I'm not really 'street' smart so I don't know which drug is like top of the line high. Maybe it's meth I don't know.), then that's what anthroposophy is. I'm used to great highs and then so called intellectuals brag about getting high, which to anthropops such as myself, is like getting cheap pseudo highs.
I like metaphors. Is this a good metaphor? If only I knew what drug produces the best high. Damn it, I like to be accurate about my information.
The book is probably the better of the mainstream books. I like the authors' methodology and questioning of things.
I'm not sure if I want to tell this to people but I might as well because I have been thinking about posting it in my blog.
I tend to get horny when I read and I whack off a bit. I can whack off and read at the same time. I don't find it distracting. Sometimes I have to put my book down to finish my business and then I'll go about my reading.
I guess this is why I like to read a lot.
I wonder why I do this. Is my reading stimulating one part of my brain and whacking off stimulating the other half of my brain?
Have I unconsciously tapped into whole brain thinking?
My parents will be returning from their 4 week trip to Italy. They'll be back around 10 but I can stay up since my shift for work got cancelled today. I wonder if our cat missed them.
Now I've placed pressure on myself to produce writing that is compelling, interesting, intelligent, exciting, deep and profound.
I want to be perceived as intelligent, witty, funny and exciting.
But the reality of my existence includes ....
Zoning out
Slow to think
Boredom
Being Wrong
Idleness
Non-logical
Excessively logical
Obsessiveness
Mildly Neurotic
And then I looked up the word neurotic to make sure that I am using the word correctly.
I must get a hold of myself.
Whew, okay there, there we go. What is my intention?
What would Oprah do?
Okay, do I want to talk about what I've been reading and talk about mundane things?
Or do I want to talk deep and profound concepts and experiences?
I just don't feel deep and profound today.
I can't be deep and profound all the time!
Anyways, I finished reading Study of Man and am reading Steiner's Towards Social Renewal. There are some ideas and thoughts that I found relevant for today. I usually don't like to share my comments about RS books right away because I usually let the thoughts and ideas digest themselves subconsciously.
Even in my study group, I don't like to comment on things right away because I think that we need to let ideas work on us. I find too many people always have to have an opinion on something and are always quick to refute things.
I get the impression from others that being quick to refute things is a sign of intelligence.
I also finished reading Freakonomics. I thought the book was okay. When I read in the preface or the side flaps how everyone thinks this is such a brilliant book, I get a bit intrigued because I'm always hungry for brilliants ideas and thoughts. It was interesting but it's not brilliant! I'm sorry but I study anthroposophy. Whatever drug produces the best high(I'm not really 'street' smart so I don't know which drug is like top of the line high. Maybe it's meth I don't know.), then that's what anthroposophy is. I'm used to great highs and then so called intellectuals brag about getting high, which to anthropops such as myself, is like getting cheap pseudo highs.
I like metaphors. Is this a good metaphor? If only I knew what drug produces the best high. Damn it, I like to be accurate about my information.
The book is probably the better of the mainstream books. I like the authors' methodology and questioning of things.
I'm not sure if I want to tell this to people but I might as well because I have been thinking about posting it in my blog.
I tend to get horny when I read and I whack off a bit. I can whack off and read at the same time. I don't find it distracting. Sometimes I have to put my book down to finish my business and then I'll go about my reading.
I guess this is why I like to read a lot.
I wonder why I do this. Is my reading stimulating one part of my brain and whacking off stimulating the other half of my brain?
Have I unconsciously tapped into whole brain thinking?
My parents will be returning from their 4 week trip to Italy. They'll be back around 10 but I can stay up since my shift for work got cancelled today. I wonder if our cat missed them.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
A message for Whitney Houston
Dear Whitney
I think that you have a really strong voice and I like some of your songs.
However Whitney, you are going down a dark path with your drug addiction. Please Whitney don't be giving me that nonsense about you not having a drug problem.
You do.
I know the press is saying it's all Bobby's fault that you are turning out this way. I don't know what's the story but you still need to get your act together girl.
I'm sick of hearing about you being drugged out during performances or while giving out awards. And get some meat on your bones, you've become quite sick and the anorexic look is so 1994.
I want the old Whitney.
The "I wanna know if he really loves me" Whitney.
I want the innocent Whitney.
Honestly woman, you grew up in a good home with good musical genes and famous relatives. What's your fucking excuse for being black trash??
I'm telling you this Whitney because I want to see a stronger, drug free Whitney.
This is a call Whitney to fight your inner demons.
Do you accept my challenge?
I think that you have a really strong voice and I like some of your songs.
However Whitney, you are going down a dark path with your drug addiction. Please Whitney don't be giving me that nonsense about you not having a drug problem.
You do.
I know the press is saying it's all Bobby's fault that you are turning out this way. I don't know what's the story but you still need to get your act together girl.
I'm sick of hearing about you being drugged out during performances or while giving out awards. And get some meat on your bones, you've become quite sick and the anorexic look is so 1994.
I want the old Whitney.
The "I wanna know if he really loves me" Whitney.
I want the innocent Whitney.
Honestly woman, you grew up in a good home with good musical genes and famous relatives. What's your fucking excuse for being black trash??
I'm telling you this Whitney because I want to see a stronger, drug free Whitney.
This is a call Whitney to fight your inner demons.
Do you accept my challenge?
Sunday, October 02, 2005
A message for Chris Rock
Hello Chris,
I was watching your newest stand-up show yesterday on the Comedy network. I can honestly say Chris, that I just don't find you funny at times. I really like you though Chris. You seem very sincere and honest. But Chris you just seem so angry sometimes. Why? I don't know. But Chris, you need to transcend your angry nature. You are not your anger. Yes you experience anger, but you are much more then that.
I must say Chris, although most of your jokes I just don't find funny, many of your jokes from last night I found funny. I found myself saying to myself, "That is so true". Chris it's hard for comedians to make me laugh but Sir, you have last night.
I was watching your newest stand-up show yesterday on the Comedy network. I can honestly say Chris, that I just don't find you funny at times. I really like you though Chris. You seem very sincere and honest. But Chris you just seem so angry sometimes. Why? I don't know. But Chris, you need to transcend your angry nature. You are not your anger. Yes you experience anger, but you are much more then that.
I must say Chris, although most of your jokes I just don't find funny, many of your jokes from last night I found funny. I found myself saying to myself, "That is so true". Chris it's hard for comedians to make me laugh but Sir, you have last night.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Back to Earth
Greetings and Salutations my fellow Terrestrial colleagues,
My anthroposophical vacation has officially ended on the 18th of September (attending my study group doesn't count... I just haven't studied Steiner's work for 2 months). I started reading RS's Study of Man. This is the older translation. The book also has a different translation entitled The Foundations of Human Experience.
Steiner introduced a new methodology for education and helped to launch Waldorf Education. See North Americans are primates as far as I am concerned. Rudolf Steiner is more well known in Europe, particularly in Germany (he is Austrian).
This book I'm reading is for teachers. Obviously anyone can read it but it talks about the 12 senses. It's kinda weird and I've had a bit of trouble getting back into my studies but reading about the 12 senses is really neat. Reading anything of RS is neat. I wish more people knew about him but I ultimately realized that I don't care if everyone doesn't know who he is. As long as he gets respect. I think the scientific community and general population will take a few more years before they have the mental capacity to give props to Steiner.
After I finish this book, I'll start on his more conceptually harder to understand book entitled Towards Social Renewal. I read it 2 years ago I think but I didn't really get it. He talks about his idea for a 3-fold social order. It's really demanding to understand it because you really have to be able to sharply define concepts that are based on reality. For budding thinkers, it's a challenging place to start! A huge problem in education and society in general is that people speak abstractly and particularly when it comes to economic, political and social issues.
Anyways, he wrote this book around 1900s. He lived from 1867 - 1925 but his work and ideas and observations are still relevant for today. So when I read it, I try and see how it relates to me, a female Canadian living in the year 2005, an age of information, television, media and celebrity.
My study group has decided to start reading RS's Theosophy. This is one of his earlier works. It's an easier read then the book we finished before summer (Intuitive thinking as Spiritual Activity aka Philosophy of Freedom).
For those who wonder why the hell does Steiner have 2 names for some of his books. Well his work is recorded in German and sometimes it gets translated by different people. I don't know why they give such differing titles but isn't that the nature of the German language?
I respect Steiner so much but I always wonder what he was like when he wasn't lecturing and just being a normal person. Did he like sex? Did he like desserts? Was he friendly? Just silly things I wonder about. Actually I'm just more curious about him sexually. I guess I always wonder what people's sexual thought are and how they relate to sex, particularly when they are so highly intellectual and intelligent. I think sex is good. I guess I assume intellectuals are not that interested in it, that they are more interested in mental pursuits.
I finished learning the Wild Goose second 64 movements. I didn't quite clearly grasp doing the last 2 sections but my mind just doesn't seem willing to get it. I've just picked up on bits and pieces of the last 2 main moves. This is harder to learn than Wild Goose I (the first 64 movements). It's harder because when I watch the video, I have to think about moving like a mirror. So it looks like he's lifting his left arm, but really it's his right and so then I have to reverse what I see when I'm watching and also the direction since it is a moving qigong.
Well maybe in a month's time I'll be able to be more clear on all of the movements.
Lately I have been wondering who I am. I feel like I don't know who I am. This question about who I am is always something that I'll ask myself but it feels like I've never asked myself this question, although I have. So I am living with this question "who am I?".
My anthroposophical vacation has officially ended on the 18th of September (attending my study group doesn't count... I just haven't studied Steiner's work for 2 months). I started reading RS's Study of Man. This is the older translation. The book also has a different translation entitled The Foundations of Human Experience.
Steiner introduced a new methodology for education and helped to launch Waldorf Education. See North Americans are primates as far as I am concerned. Rudolf Steiner is more well known in Europe, particularly in Germany (he is Austrian).
This book I'm reading is for teachers. Obviously anyone can read it but it talks about the 12 senses. It's kinda weird and I've had a bit of trouble getting back into my studies but reading about the 12 senses is really neat. Reading anything of RS is neat. I wish more people knew about him but I ultimately realized that I don't care if everyone doesn't know who he is. As long as he gets respect. I think the scientific community and general population will take a few more years before they have the mental capacity to give props to Steiner.
After I finish this book, I'll start on his more conceptually harder to understand book entitled Towards Social Renewal. I read it 2 years ago I think but I didn't really get it. He talks about his idea for a 3-fold social order. It's really demanding to understand it because you really have to be able to sharply define concepts that are based on reality. For budding thinkers, it's a challenging place to start! A huge problem in education and society in general is that people speak abstractly and particularly when it comes to economic, political and social issues.
Anyways, he wrote this book around 1900s. He lived from 1867 - 1925 but his work and ideas and observations are still relevant for today. So when I read it, I try and see how it relates to me, a female Canadian living in the year 2005, an age of information, television, media and celebrity.
My study group has decided to start reading RS's Theosophy. This is one of his earlier works. It's an easier read then the book we finished before summer (Intuitive thinking as Spiritual Activity aka Philosophy of Freedom).
For those who wonder why the hell does Steiner have 2 names for some of his books. Well his work is recorded in German and sometimes it gets translated by different people. I don't know why they give such differing titles but isn't that the nature of the German language?
I respect Steiner so much but I always wonder what he was like when he wasn't lecturing and just being a normal person. Did he like sex? Did he like desserts? Was he friendly? Just silly things I wonder about. Actually I'm just more curious about him sexually. I guess I always wonder what people's sexual thought are and how they relate to sex, particularly when they are so highly intellectual and intelligent. I think sex is good. I guess I assume intellectuals are not that interested in it, that they are more interested in mental pursuits.
I finished learning the Wild Goose second 64 movements. I didn't quite clearly grasp doing the last 2 sections but my mind just doesn't seem willing to get it. I've just picked up on bits and pieces of the last 2 main moves. This is harder to learn than Wild Goose I (the first 64 movements). It's harder because when I watch the video, I have to think about moving like a mirror. So it looks like he's lifting his left arm, but really it's his right and so then I have to reverse what I see when I'm watching and also the direction since it is a moving qigong.
Well maybe in a month's time I'll be able to be more clear on all of the movements.
Lately I have been wondering who I am. I feel like I don't know who I am. This question about who I am is always something that I'll ask myself but it feels like I've never asked myself this question, although I have. So I am living with this question "who am I?".
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