Greetings all,
Today is my day off so I spent it by indulging in online news and the main news story seems to be the Ghomeshi sex/violence story. I heard about this on Facebook on Sunday (I think) when he first posted his Facebook status saying how some 'jilted ex' is ruining his career. When I first read it, I knew it was BS because I've seen that type of behaviour from abusers. They take no responsibility for what goes on in their life and then blame someone else for the bad that occurs. A lot of people were hating this woman who stepped up and basically it was all about blaming the woman.
I never followed his radio show but when I first saw him, I thought he was gay and good looking so I'm surprised to learn that he would go after women. He seems likeable too and because he was good looking, I think people probably had a hard time grasping he could be like that but I know that you can never trust someone until you know them personally for several years because different scenarios reveal different sides of a person. It is sad when you see someone who seems like a good person and then learn of this evil. His behaviour is definitely evil. A flawed human we all can love and accept but this is just evil and wrong.
Now we are hearing more stories of women coming out, 8 to date and now everyone who was hating on this woman is now hating on Ghomeshi. I checked out his facebook profile and lots of people were spewing hate, calling him a monster, etc.
I think he's guilty but I don't think it's right to call him a monster and to basically lash out at him. Is it going to make him change? I doubt it. There's obviously something wrong with him but is it something he can change with psychotherapy or is he just like a sociopath who basically does not have the capacity to change?
The other thing that bothers me is how people think these women are lying because they didn't report it right away. I haven't experienced sexual abuse and there was a couple of incidences of weird/scary sexual behaviour I've experienced but I wouldn't think to report it because it would be a waste of time. I read too that false accusations only occur 2% of the time and the vast majority of sexual abuse goes unreported.
I think it's sad that we as a culture and on a global scale, have this negative belief on sexual abuse and blame the victim. Why is it with other crimes, we don't treat them the same way? Is it because the crime is sexual and sex is something where the lines can be easily blurred? I had a woman attempt to steal my purse and I was shaken badly. I called the cops but nothing was done anyways. I wasn't made to feel like a criminal and had a witness. But on some level, even I too felt like I hope they don't think I'm making this up.
And people like Ghomeshi know full well they have power and they abuse it and can get away with it. If I were a victim, I probably would just avoid him and move on with my life. People just assume you want a piece of them, when really all you want is justice.
All this sexual abuse that I read about, not just Ghomeshi but like one woman somewhere in the Middle East was recently hung because she killed or attack a man that raped her, just really makes me realize how scary and hard it is to be a woman.
I think for me, I just grew up accepting that you have to be tough but because society is so cruel to women in so many ways, it makes it difficult to want to vulnerable. I feel deep down I am very gentle and vulnerable, like most people and yet society forces you to be tough and to protect yourself. There really is not much you can do other than be mistrustful of people and cut out all the rotten apples out of your life.
Society has a lot of negative programming to fix, particular when it comes to the rape culture and the hate there is about women.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Meditation Woes
Greetings all,
I only did ganapati kriya for a week so I didn't commit myself officially to doing a 40 day discipline. I had midterms this week and I find that with my being so busy with school. I don't have the discipline to do a 40 day discipline. I don't meditate daily. I do qigong pretty much on a daily basis and maybe in the span of 40 days, I miss a couple of days but I do have at least a consistent practice.
I think too, I get different things out of ganapati and Bound Lotus. I feel they are both complementary to each other but frankly I don't have the time to be dedicated to either of them in terms of a discipline. When I worked, it was easy to do 40 day or 120 day disciplines but because school is so demanding, I want to use that discipline energy towards school. I've only got so much discipline and it needs to be directed towards school!
I like the feeling of bowing and surrendering in Bound Lotus but sometimes I feel like nothing is happening. I like chanting and doing Ganapati and I feel chanting it has a healing and soothing energy to it. They are both quite different and I feel I would have to do both. When I do Bound Lotus, I feel like I am missing something and when I do Ganapati, I feel like I just need to surrender. I am sitting up and feel like I just want to rest my head. I wonder if I can combine the postures but usually doing that is not advised. Maybe I can bow and do Ganapati?
Ever since I started doing qigong this year, I was telling my kundalini yoga friend I feel it's harder to do disciplines because qigong is so meditative and yet because I've always done KY meditations, I feel odd not doing any but qigong makes me feel pretty good.
I only did ganapati kriya for a week so I didn't commit myself officially to doing a 40 day discipline. I had midterms this week and I find that with my being so busy with school. I don't have the discipline to do a 40 day discipline. I don't meditate daily. I do qigong pretty much on a daily basis and maybe in the span of 40 days, I miss a couple of days but I do have at least a consistent practice.
I think too, I get different things out of ganapati and Bound Lotus. I feel they are both complementary to each other but frankly I don't have the time to be dedicated to either of them in terms of a discipline. When I worked, it was easy to do 40 day or 120 day disciplines but because school is so demanding, I want to use that discipline energy towards school. I've only got so much discipline and it needs to be directed towards school!
I like the feeling of bowing and surrendering in Bound Lotus but sometimes I feel like nothing is happening. I like chanting and doing Ganapati and I feel chanting it has a healing and soothing energy to it. They are both quite different and I feel I would have to do both. When I do Bound Lotus, I feel like I am missing something and when I do Ganapati, I feel like I just need to surrender. I am sitting up and feel like I just want to rest my head. I wonder if I can combine the postures but usually doing that is not advised. Maybe I can bow and do Ganapati?
Ever since I started doing qigong this year, I was telling my kundalini yoga friend I feel it's harder to do disciplines because qigong is so meditative and yet because I've always done KY meditations, I feel odd not doing any but qigong makes me feel pretty good.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
The Improv Clown
Greetings all,
I joined the improv team at school. Two groups had auditions and I joined this group last year and was surprised there were having auditions because they didn't last year. The other team was a long form and I guess I wasn't good enough for them. My 15 years of improv experience, just wasn't enough! I figured that group was more of a clique and they probably knew already who they wanted.
Anyways, I wasn't able to go to the short form group last year because they had their improv on Monday nights and that's when I would go the Math Aid centre. School takes precedence over improv. This year the Math Aid hours have changed and it is on Monday afternoon and the improv team meets on Thursdays so now I can be more involved with improv.
I went to improv 2 weeks ago and met one of the players. My first impression was that she looked like a clown. She had way too much eye make up on and her eyelashes looked like spider legs. She then had too much blush on and to top it off, had the fake tan look going on. I learned she was a math major. She looked vaguely familiar. When I got home, I realized she was in one of my math classes but sat on the other side of the lecture hall. I remember noticing from quite a distance she had too much make up on and I automatically classified her as a bimbo because she was the stereotypical skinny, tall blonde with too much make up.
I didn't get a chance to talk to her but she seemed like she was a nice girl and she didn't suck at improv. I just don't know if her friends have told her she has too much make up on, or maybe they are all like her and wear too much make up and think it's normal, or maybe they have told her and she doesn't care. I'm not going to say anything but if we were to become friends, I'd have to point it out. She probably would be better looking if she didn't have any make up on. That's what I find silly. She's not ugly and doesn't really need to look like a clown.
I joined the improv team at school. Two groups had auditions and I joined this group last year and was surprised there were having auditions because they didn't last year. The other team was a long form and I guess I wasn't good enough for them. My 15 years of improv experience, just wasn't enough! I figured that group was more of a clique and they probably knew already who they wanted.
Anyways, I wasn't able to go to the short form group last year because they had their improv on Monday nights and that's when I would go the Math Aid centre. School takes precedence over improv. This year the Math Aid hours have changed and it is on Monday afternoon and the improv team meets on Thursdays so now I can be more involved with improv.
I went to improv 2 weeks ago and met one of the players. My first impression was that she looked like a clown. She had way too much eye make up on and her eyelashes looked like spider legs. She then had too much blush on and to top it off, had the fake tan look going on. I learned she was a math major. She looked vaguely familiar. When I got home, I realized she was in one of my math classes but sat on the other side of the lecture hall. I remember noticing from quite a distance she had too much make up on and I automatically classified her as a bimbo because she was the stereotypical skinny, tall blonde with too much make up.
I didn't get a chance to talk to her but she seemed like she was a nice girl and she didn't suck at improv. I just don't know if her friends have told her she has too much make up on, or maybe they are all like her and wear too much make up and think it's normal, or maybe they have told her and she doesn't care. I'm not going to say anything but if we were to become friends, I'd have to point it out. She probably would be better looking if she didn't have any make up on. That's what I find silly. She's not ugly and doesn't really need to look like a clown.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Back to Ganapati Kriya?
Greetings all,
I am going through some personal challenges again. I think part of it is because my Seasonal Affective Disorder is kicking in but also school related. I had a test in one of my courses this Friday and it brought up a tremendous amount of anxiety. The night before I was massively worried and I did briefly a meditation we regularly did in my Sat Nam Rasayan class and then I decided to just do a meditation I used to do regularly, Ganapati Kriya.
I cried a lot but I still felt lots of anxiety and stress. I had my test Friday morning and then felt massively bad about myself. Our instructor is new to teaching this particular course and he gave us a practice test. My friend said he said it was the hardest of the 3 he wrote but I think the actual test was harder! I also found out it was challenging for other students and a couple of people didn't finish the test on time. The test was 50 minutes and had 5 questions but they all had like 3 sub questions. I don't think he realized it was probably too long. Would have been better to make 3 questions with 3 sub questions.
I don't think he's a bad person but I feel he just isn't that effective as a teacher and probably has to work at it. My friend and I agree that the way he presents the material just doesn't have a focus. A lot of the time, I feel like "where you taking us?". I know with other professors, I feel they are more structured. He's semi structured. I've seen worse professors
Anyways, this bad experience from the test made me feel bad on Saturday as well. I felt like I should just quit university. Why am I studying math and stats? I also felt like if I were to quit, I wouldn't know what to do. I've tried comedy and that didn't work. I don't know what else to study in school that would help me get a good job. I felt stuck and trapped and GP is usually good for these types of feelings. I reread a journal entry from 2 years ago and was going through the same struggles in school. I felt like, am I making a mistake and wasting my time? I did Ganapati again and while I didn't cry on Friday, I cried alot last night. I got the message "Don't give up". I thought afterwards, in what sense? Don't give up on school? Don't give up on finding a loving relationship? Don't give up on both? Don't give up on Life? I've been longing for a relationship. I'm frustrated with my feeling of not feeling successful and feel like I'll never amount to anything in life.
I tried my best in preparing for this test and I felt like I'm not going to get a respectable grade and yet I need one in this course. I felt like all this work for nothing. It felt like a waste! I maybe had one moment where I thought, all that work at least may not have been enough to ace the test but it does help in terms of understanding the material.
The test may be graded on a curve and I hope so. We have a 2nd test in this course and he may make it easier. That happened in one of my courses. The prof made the first test so hard and bumped up the grades and then made the 2nd test easier. I just don't know what's wrong with these people! As a mature student too, I feel like I am making a sacrifice to be there and am paying what I think, good money to be there. These people should be bending over backwards to help us understand the material and learn but it seems like it's just a game and sometimes it doesn't seem like it's about learning.
Maybe I will go back to doing the Ganapati kriya. Since I mentioned that I feel qigong is meditative, I don't feel the need for meditating but maybe I need to go back to GP for a while and do a 40 day discipline. I guess I am feeling frustrated with my life and my life as a student. I've been dabbling in Bound Lotus but not sure about doing a discipline with it.
It's been a while since I've done GP, I think several months at least so maybe I can try it out again. It's always been good for me so I guess I can't go wrong.
I am going through some personal challenges again. I think part of it is because my Seasonal Affective Disorder is kicking in but also school related. I had a test in one of my courses this Friday and it brought up a tremendous amount of anxiety. The night before I was massively worried and I did briefly a meditation we regularly did in my Sat Nam Rasayan class and then I decided to just do a meditation I used to do regularly, Ganapati Kriya.
I cried a lot but I still felt lots of anxiety and stress. I had my test Friday morning and then felt massively bad about myself. Our instructor is new to teaching this particular course and he gave us a practice test. My friend said he said it was the hardest of the 3 he wrote but I think the actual test was harder! I also found out it was challenging for other students and a couple of people didn't finish the test on time. The test was 50 minutes and had 5 questions but they all had like 3 sub questions. I don't think he realized it was probably too long. Would have been better to make 3 questions with 3 sub questions.
I don't think he's a bad person but I feel he just isn't that effective as a teacher and probably has to work at it. My friend and I agree that the way he presents the material just doesn't have a focus. A lot of the time, I feel like "where you taking us?". I know with other professors, I feel they are more structured. He's semi structured. I've seen worse professors
Anyways, this bad experience from the test made me feel bad on Saturday as well. I felt like I should just quit university. Why am I studying math and stats? I also felt like if I were to quit, I wouldn't know what to do. I've tried comedy and that didn't work. I don't know what else to study in school that would help me get a good job. I felt stuck and trapped and GP is usually good for these types of feelings. I reread a journal entry from 2 years ago and was going through the same struggles in school. I felt like, am I making a mistake and wasting my time? I did Ganapati again and while I didn't cry on Friday, I cried alot last night. I got the message "Don't give up". I thought afterwards, in what sense? Don't give up on school? Don't give up on finding a loving relationship? Don't give up on both? Don't give up on Life? I've been longing for a relationship. I'm frustrated with my feeling of not feeling successful and feel like I'll never amount to anything in life.
I tried my best in preparing for this test and I felt like I'm not going to get a respectable grade and yet I need one in this course. I felt like all this work for nothing. It felt like a waste! I maybe had one moment where I thought, all that work at least may not have been enough to ace the test but it does help in terms of understanding the material.
The test may be graded on a curve and I hope so. We have a 2nd test in this course and he may make it easier. That happened in one of my courses. The prof made the first test so hard and bumped up the grades and then made the 2nd test easier. I just don't know what's wrong with these people! As a mature student too, I feel like I am making a sacrifice to be there and am paying what I think, good money to be there. These people should be bending over backwards to help us understand the material and learn but it seems like it's just a game and sometimes it doesn't seem like it's about learning.
Maybe I will go back to doing the Ganapati kriya. Since I mentioned that I feel qigong is meditative, I don't feel the need for meditating but maybe I need to go back to GP for a while and do a 40 day discipline. I guess I am feeling frustrated with my life and my life as a student. I've been dabbling in Bound Lotus but not sure about doing a discipline with it.
It's been a while since I've done GP, I think several months at least so maybe I can try it out again. It's always been good for me so I guess I can't go wrong.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Warning: A Sorta Sexual Poem
Greetings all,
I was reading my drafts and this was a post that I guess I didn't publish it. I think because I thought it was a lame attempt to be sexual and maybe that's why I didn't publish it. Well I'll publish it anyways, even though I don't feel it's particularly sexual as a poem. I don't remember when I wrote this and don't remember who my crush was at the time but here's the original post:
I'm dedicating this poem for my current crush and to all the future crushes I will have.
You are so unsuspecting.
Thinking we're just friends.
You haven't got a clue.
Let me lead you into my thoughts.
Throw me down.
Tie me up.
Throw one into me.
And lick me all about.
I know what you are thinking.
So please just whisper it to me.
I know that you want me.
So please just let me hear it.
I know you've got some fantasies.
And I'll just play them out for you.
Don't think I will laugh at them.
I will treat them with the utmost care.
Aren't you glad it's over?
Aren't you glad I let you have your way with me?
Aren't you glad I want to do it again?
I was reading my drafts and this was a post that I guess I didn't publish it. I think because I thought it was a lame attempt to be sexual and maybe that's why I didn't publish it. Well I'll publish it anyways, even though I don't feel it's particularly sexual as a poem. I don't remember when I wrote this and don't remember who my crush was at the time but here's the original post:
I'm dedicating this poem for my current crush and to all the future crushes I will have.
You are so unsuspecting.
Thinking we're just friends.
You haven't got a clue.
Let me lead you into my thoughts.
Throw me down.
Tie me up.
Throw one into me.
And lick me all about.
I know what you are thinking.
So please just whisper it to me.
I know that you want me.
So please just let me hear it.
I know you've got some fantasies.
And I'll just play them out for you.
Don't think I will laugh at them.
I will treat them with the utmost care.
Aren't you glad it's over?
Aren't you glad I let you have your way with me?
Aren't you glad I want to do it again?
Sat Nam Fest
Greetings all,
I've been wanting to go since last year to the Sat Nam Fest which is run by Spirit Voyage. It's basically a 4 day festival where they have musicians from the Kundalini Yoga community and they play their music. Some of it is music they wrote but most of it are Kundalini chants. I have one musician who is a favourite, Gurunam Singh. I have a few of his individual songs which I downloaded but would eventually like to get a full album.
They usually have these festivals in October or February but these are bad times for me because I am in school and cannot skip out of town. Like it's this weekend and in Pennsylvania. I could go for 2 days maybe but it's too much effort to go to since it's in the US
I learned this year they are doing one at the end of December in Mexico. Last year I went away to the Dominican after Christmas since I have seasonal affective disorder and find it helps lift my spirits to be in a sunny environment. I also enjoyed spending New Year's Eve in another country and thought last year that should be my new tradition.
I've been to Mexico a few years ago and this festival is taking place near Mexico city, which I have not been. I'm someone who likes to visit new countries. I've just been to Cancun and Cozumel and not to this part of Mexico. If I can go scuba diving on the west coast of Mexico, I can make it worth my time. I was originally thinking of going away to Costa Rica after my first semester but I feel my heart would rather go and chant for 4 days and then I can spend time site seeing and swimming.
Sadly so far Gurunam isn't going to be a performer but I sent his web site an email encouraging him to attend since I don't have a chance to make the Sat Nam Fest this weekend. He's got a really deep, masculine voice and I like his vibe.
I've been wanting to go since last year to the Sat Nam Fest which is run by Spirit Voyage. It's basically a 4 day festival where they have musicians from the Kundalini Yoga community and they play their music. Some of it is music they wrote but most of it are Kundalini chants. I have one musician who is a favourite, Gurunam Singh. I have a few of his individual songs which I downloaded but would eventually like to get a full album.
They usually have these festivals in October or February but these are bad times for me because I am in school and cannot skip out of town. Like it's this weekend and in Pennsylvania. I could go for 2 days maybe but it's too much effort to go to since it's in the US
I learned this year they are doing one at the end of December in Mexico. Last year I went away to the Dominican after Christmas since I have seasonal affective disorder and find it helps lift my spirits to be in a sunny environment. I also enjoyed spending New Year's Eve in another country and thought last year that should be my new tradition.
I've been to Mexico a few years ago and this festival is taking place near Mexico city, which I have not been. I'm someone who likes to visit new countries. I've just been to Cancun and Cozumel and not to this part of Mexico. If I can go scuba diving on the west coast of Mexico, I can make it worth my time. I was originally thinking of going away to Costa Rica after my first semester but I feel my heart would rather go and chant for 4 days and then I can spend time site seeing and swimming.
Sadly so far Gurunam isn't going to be a performer but I sent his web site an email encouraging him to attend since I don't have a chance to make the Sat Nam Fest this weekend. He's got a really deep, masculine voice and I like his vibe.
Monday, October 06, 2014
Leadership Conference
Greetings all,
I had a conference at school on Friday on Leadership. They invited people earlier in the summer to give feedback on how to format the conference and I decided to attend it because they were offering treats and I am easily seduced by treats.
I made some suggestions on what I wanted to see at the conference and they actually did my suggestions so I was pleased about that. One suggestion was based on Susan Cain's book Quiet. I wanted them to discuss how Leaders can be introverted as our culture seems to only think a Leader is someone who is extroverted. I didn't go to this workshop but I heard people enjoyed it. I think it was something others needed to know about because our culture is biased towards people with quiet confidence.
I also made a suggestion on a workshop that utilizes some concepts from improv, like Yes and. That was what they called the workshop. Yes and is basically an exercise that underlies all of improv. It's the idea that you take what someone says and Yes and it. Improv is not about blocking. It's about accepting and I think to be a good leader, you need to learn how to accept things instead of blocking things. Like for example, in improv if the offer is someone says "Hey I like your hat", you can say "Yes and my hat makes me want to go to the movies", then the other person can say "Yes and going to movies makes me want to buy popcorn" and is followed by "Yes and popcorn reminds me of how much my mother loves me".
Obviously if we spent that seen arguing and blocking, it would go nowhere. "No don't like my hat..."
And that goes no where.
Same idea for leadership. People don't need to say no and can work with what's given them.
The workshops I did was on Resilience and Leadership is...The Leadership is... workshop was more about having smaller discussions with people on various social topics. It was interesting.
I liked the Resilience one more. It actually raised more questions for me like how do I know if I'm resilient? I don't think I'm resilient and I was told to try online quizzes. One of them said I was average and another above average. I don't really feel I am resilient. I feel I don't have much of a choice anyways. You have to move on in life. You still keep on living so why not just do what has to be done. I have been through a lot of financial difficulties but I don't feel that makes me resilient.
One trait of resilient people is that they have a social network. I feel for me, when I am stressed I don't look to others, I turn within and so I wasn't really sure if having a social network is what leads to resilience. I am an introvert and so as an introvert I seek validation and comfort internally and then I decide if I need external help, to seek it out.
I guess I don't classify myself as resilient and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I don't like dealing with difficult things and rather have a comfortable, easy life.
I had a conference at school on Friday on Leadership. They invited people earlier in the summer to give feedback on how to format the conference and I decided to attend it because they were offering treats and I am easily seduced by treats.
I made some suggestions on what I wanted to see at the conference and they actually did my suggestions so I was pleased about that. One suggestion was based on Susan Cain's book Quiet. I wanted them to discuss how Leaders can be introverted as our culture seems to only think a Leader is someone who is extroverted. I didn't go to this workshop but I heard people enjoyed it. I think it was something others needed to know about because our culture is biased towards people with quiet confidence.
I also made a suggestion on a workshop that utilizes some concepts from improv, like Yes and. That was what they called the workshop. Yes and is basically an exercise that underlies all of improv. It's the idea that you take what someone says and Yes and it. Improv is not about blocking. It's about accepting and I think to be a good leader, you need to learn how to accept things instead of blocking things. Like for example, in improv if the offer is someone says "Hey I like your hat", you can say "Yes and my hat makes me want to go to the movies", then the other person can say "Yes and going to movies makes me want to buy popcorn" and is followed by "Yes and popcorn reminds me of how much my mother loves me".
Obviously if we spent that seen arguing and blocking, it would go nowhere. "No don't like my hat..."
And that goes no where.
Same idea for leadership. People don't need to say no and can work with what's given them.
The workshops I did was on Resilience and Leadership is...The Leadership is... workshop was more about having smaller discussions with people on various social topics. It was interesting.
I liked the Resilience one more. It actually raised more questions for me like how do I know if I'm resilient? I don't think I'm resilient and I was told to try online quizzes. One of them said I was average and another above average. I don't really feel I am resilient. I feel I don't have much of a choice anyways. You have to move on in life. You still keep on living so why not just do what has to be done. I have been through a lot of financial difficulties but I don't feel that makes me resilient.
One trait of resilient people is that they have a social network. I feel for me, when I am stressed I don't look to others, I turn within and so I wasn't really sure if having a social network is what leads to resilience. I am an introvert and so as an introvert I seek validation and comfort internally and then I decide if I need external help, to seek it out.
I guess I don't classify myself as resilient and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I don't like dealing with difficult things and rather have a comfortable, easy life.
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