Mensa Wannabe-er

Greetings all,

Today I did the Mensa Home Prep Test to see if I have a chance at passing the real Mensa test. Mensa is an organization for people who possess the top 2% IQs in the world.

Why the hell would I try out for this organization? Well I've been professing for the past 10 years that I am a genius so I figure I probably should actually put it to the test since I've never taken a real IQ test, only online ones. I think if I don't pass this Mensa prep test, at least maybe I'll take a real IQ to see how smart I am intellectually.

If I pass this Home Prep Test, then I can either submit an IQ test that was supervised or take their monthly supervised tests.

I actually took a bit longer to do it and actually was expecting more math type questions, much like a typical IQ test. There were 6 sections in this test categorized as follows: Synonyms, Classification, Opposites, Analogies, Completion (paragraph missing some words, which you choose from a list of possible words) and Inferences.

I found it was too much word selection and it started messing with my head. I think I did okay but I mailed it back today and will have to wait to see my results. As mentioned earlier, I was disappointed that it didn't have more math questions, because I'd probably be done faster.

I read a book a few years ago entitled Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind by Deborah Ruf. It talked about the difficulties these gifted children experience and it also had classifed the various levels of giftedness. I always thought perhaps I was gifted and after reading that book, I concluded that if I am gifted, I am probably on the lowest rung because what some of these kids thought about at a young age was impressive.

I know I am probably smarter then average. I probably seem insecure about my intelligence but the reality is I am. I chose to drop out of my first year university, not because I was doing poorly, in fact I excelled in many of my courses, but because like many people my age, I didn't know what I wanted to major in and I saw little point in investing $4000 to go take something that I was unsure of.

I love learning but I had to say goodbye to the intellectual world because somewhere in my heart I knew what I needed to learn, I could not learn in an academic setting. So I went into the world of work and have struggled to find my place in this world. I long to be a comedian, a performer, an artist.

But I can never get that academic recognition that my nerd heart so desires.

I need to know how smart I am. I know I am not the highest level of genius. Maybe I am not a genius at all. But I need to know how intellectually smart I am.

I think being above average intelligence can have it's drawbacks, which I learned about in Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind. Lots of thoughts and ideas about things go through your mind and learning can become an obsession. There is a loneliness as well because sometimes some people are just not smart enough to get what you are saying or understand your ideas.

Over the years I keep looking for smart people to be my friends because at least I take comfort in that. Being around stupid people is just too painful for me.

Even if you are not intellectually minded, being kind and being open to learning is just as fine.

Modifying my Relationship Strategy

Greetings all,

I have previously informed my wonderful readers that I have been following a book entitled Getting to I Do by Patricia Allen as it is a relationship book to help you use the right strategies to get married.

I recently read Why Men Marry Bitches by Sherri Argov and I personally found this to be a more simple strategy. It, like many other dating books, point out how the woman has to let the man chase her in the beginning but also to live your own life and make yourself happy first. (duh...that's what I've been doing for the past 30 years so I've gotten that covered)

I liked the part where she points out how the woman acts after sex is what is important and that to be cool and calm and move on with your life and not get so attached to the man and basically let him come after you.

I liked that advice since I never have read anywhere or heard anyone talk about how to behave AFTER sex. I am not sure how I act after sex since it's been so long but I don't think I was overly clingy anyways. Although I like to cuddle for a bit after it's over.

In Pat's book she talks about giving the man the exclusive talk after you've been dating for a while and he wants to take things on a physical level. Namely, you ask to be exclusive and monogamous and expect this to be continuous and not a one night stand. Also to state your desire that you are eventually looking to get married, although it may not be with him.

I thought about this and I realized if I were a man and a woman I dated started talking to me like that, I'd probably just say yes to shut her up, even if I wasn't willing to marry and I already knew I wasn't willing to marry her.

Some woman has to be the woman before the Wife. It just might be you!
No worries!

The reality is guys will say anything to get into your pants and you can't be so fixated on getting married, that you forget to screen and scrutinize your suitors. You have to look for someone whose company you enjoy.

Besides if you bug a man for marriage early on, it'll make him less likely to want to do it. Much like in real life, if you nag people or pester people, it makes them not want to do that very thing you want them to do!

I am in an email group for people following the Pat Allen strategies but I am thinking of leaving that group. Some of these women are desperate losers. One of them is still pining for her ex and he is already in a relationship with another woman who is more then 15 years younger then him. She's let him recontact her at least 3 times since she dumped him. The new girlfriend even snooped through his email to contact her and she actually had conversations with the new girlfriend. If that were me being contacted, especially by the new girlfriend I'd say 'get lost!'

It's called moving on. You are now just 'the other woman'.
You never will know how to be a winner unless you know how to accept loss!!
This sad soul is in her early 40s by the way.

There is another woman as well who is 53 and was recently telling us of a married man whom she fell in love with whom she met online but naively didn't know he was married. There is another man whom she rejected back in the day and he married and had kids and has entered her life and I think she maybe thinks they might hook up.

Ummm, does marriage not mean anything to these women?
But isn't it ironic though, these women who so desperately want marriage, think it's okay to interfere with men who are already in monogamous relationships, whether they are married or not.

I don't know but I have never been in a situation like this where I go after exes who have girlfriends or let myself fall in love with a married man. I know better. I'm smart and have self respect but most of all I have this thing called morals and ethics. Ah yes pesky ethics!! I tried telling these women how wrong they were but they do not seem to get it and think I am being harsh.

The truth is if they will do it with you, they will do it to you. (Thanks Dr. Phil for that one)

I find the members in this email group take her work too seriously and focus too much on being Yin (since that is what they have chosen... the concept of the book involves choosing an energy style - yin or yang). I find they try too hard and complain alot about their mistakes. I personally think you need to just accept who you are and not try to be someone you are not. You lose so much of who you are when you try to follow these rules and try and be perfect.

Anyways, I will take some of her advice and use what works for me because I think the book has some useful points. I will also take from the other book as well whatever tips that will help me out.

I don't think I will follow GTID strategies on getting a commitment from a man or how to get them to marry you. In WMMB, the author states you can get a man to propose without even using the M-word.

And isn't that what men really want? Don't they really want to believe marrying a woman was THEIR idea? What kind of person would I be if I insisted on it??!!

I know for me, the best thing I have been doing is dating multiple men and letting them chase after me and pretty much not having sex too early. Following those pieces of advice has helped me out alot and so that's probably why I don't stress as much on what I say to men or how I act since I am overall a good person.

Roommate Update

Greetings all,

Well my roommate had her party on Friday and I thought she would do the right thing and finally do the dishes she has stopped doing since january 13th. I arrived home at 2.30 am and thankfully the party was over. Two of her friends slept on her couches.

The roommate did some cleaning up, like took some bottles away and wiped down my glass dining table but the place was still messy.

When I went to have breakfast, I noticed that the large plates that she normally uses were not there. So I wondered, where are my dishes then since they were no longer in her sink and I assumed she did them? I opened the sink cupboard and lo and behold are her dirty dishes!



So yesterday I took away some of the remaining dishes and saw that she used a couple of my small coffee mugs, you know the ones for cappucino? I figured she probably would start cleaning but since she hasn't, I took away pretty much all the dishes and left only what utensils were remaining, like the knives, forks, etc.

I think that's pretty sad and pathetic for a 27 year old woman to be doing that and it's sad that I've had to do this. I feel like I am disciplining a child. It is absurd.

It gets me angry though but I am trying to relax because she wins if I am angry. I am tired of her and look forward to her ugly ass out of my place. I will have to find out from the supers when she booked the elevator.

While I was having breakfast Saturday morning, I was scanning my book shelf as it is in the common area and noticed someone stole my Peach Schnapps. I don't drink often but certainly do not appreciate some punk stealing my alcohol.

Six more days! Counting the days!

Stomach Flu?

Greetings all,

I think I got a stomach flu on Saturday night. I went over to a friend's and my stomach was starting to ache and we were playing Rockband. My favourite is the drums so I always make sure I get to play that since I always enjoy hitting things.

The night didn't end well since my dinner chose to revisit me. I went home only to see more of my dinner revisiting me.

My stomach hurt for Sunday and Monday. I was better on Monday and now my stomach has mild pain. I had a fever as well on Sunday. I am not sure if this was food poisoning or a stomach flu but I read the symptoms for stomach flu and not food poisoning so that's why I figure it must be the stomach flu.

I am quite tired now but I am going out since I have been cooped up for 2 days.

I have never been sick like this as my stomach has never caused problems for me.

The Blair Witch Project

Greetings all,

I was actually watching the Blair Witch project at my friend's last night. I never actually watched it when it first came out 10 years. I was in high school and it seemed like everyone was talking about it.

I think the concept of the movie was decent and thought it was put together well enough but the realist in me just gets angry at the choices the characters make in the film. This movie is a mockumentary and so is imitating the style of documentaries.

I don't know how old the characters are supposed to be in the movie but I am assuming they are supposed to be around 25. They all looked like they were people who probably finished high school and bummed around for a few years and then decided to go back to school so they don't seem too naive to me and the Heather chick just looked old so I figured she was a mature student like the rest of her crew mates.

I worked up in Yellowknife back in 2003 for the summer so I know a bit about the reality of being out in the bush and although they are supposed to be film makers, they were not well prepared for life in the bush.

First of all, if you are going into an area where there are no trails, you use trail markers to help you find your way back so that you don't get lost. These idiots probably wouldn't have gotten so lost if they just brought fucking trail markers!!!

Secondly, the crew seemed like a bunch of wimps. Especially that Michael guy.
oooooooo you're lost Michael, now you gotta pull a hissy fit and make a big scene about being lost! What kind of man whines about being lost? You're never lost if you are a man, there is always a way out.

Honestly, if you are lost, what good does it do to yell and freak out? Then eventually Heather yells at him and has her dramatic freak out.

People, what ever happened to team work and to toughing it out!!!
Stick together and shut the fuck up!

They had a compass too and you mean to tell me they couldn't find their way out?
There was a river too and they could have just walked along side the river, either up stream or down stream, depending on where it would go. Everyone knows most rivers don't go in a circle!

So as you can see, I was very angry watching this movie.

I didn't even see them eat and I think that angered me as well. How can you be out on the bush doing all this hiking without eating??? You need to eat! Maybe Michael was so angry about being lost because he was really hungry.

Finally the ending I did not like. What are these idiots doing going into an abandoned house at night? You guys just lost Josh and are asking for trouble! The screaming at the end by Heather was cliched as well. Like okay, we get it you are scared. But nobody made you go into this abandoned house at night eh!

I hated this movie by the way...

Can a Dumbass Outsmart a Self Professed Genius?

Greetings all,

Well last night I went out and the roommate was taping up some boxes and our neighbor across from us was helping her (why... she must have been brainwashed to!). As I put my coat on the roommate, again in an attempt to piss me off, said she is glad to be getting out of here.

You know I'm probably the best roommate one could possibly have because I, 1. am laid back 2. am financially responsible 3. nice and willing to compromise and 4. keep things fairly clean and organized.

It annoys me because I know I have been a good person during her stay here and she just doesn't seem to appreciate me. I am not someone who gives and gives but I think I was respectful enough towards her and here she is continuously disrespecting me. I am aware that is her issue and I do not need to look to her to know that I am a good person.

Anyways, she is having her party on Friday so I am hoping it doesn't get out of hand. It usually doesn't so I will just keep to myself and hopefully go out as well.

When I came back, most of her boxes were gone and she finally took out the garbage. I figure for her party she will do her dishes. At this point I am just keeping to myself and praying to the good Lord to protect my furniture and belongings.

I realized last night as I was making my way out to a meetup that she probably only said that she was staying until the 15th because that's what she's paid for as a trick to get me to give her back the deposit. Since I've lived with her, I know she is one of these people that just can't seem to accept a loss graciously and so I know she has been plotting with her friends and perhaps family to figure out how to get the deposit back.

In my mind, I am entitled to 6 weeks notice and so I am keeping the deposit. She must think I am stupid or something but I am not compromising. I am sure she will be out by the 1st. I think perhaps the worst is over. She may be realizing that I will not give in to her childish ways.

I spoke to a lawyer yesterday and he said I could change the locks on her without notice but I may be at risk to be taken to court since it was not written in the contract. So that is something to keep in mind folks if you have someone move in with you to include a clause for changing the locks without notice.

I think even if I were to change the locks, I just think it would make things worse. This is what is odd for me to accept. All I really have to do is keep staying calm and do nothing and not enforce the rules in the contract. As much as I want to clarify things to her again, she doesn't want to listen and there is no point trying to force someone to listen when they aren't even there emotionally and are just in an unstable emotional state.

The Necessity of Rules and Structure

Greetings all,

I have been thinking about this concept of structure and rules. I have always been a bit of a rebellious person and usually despised structure and rules because I always felt they were stifling. As a creative person, rules and order seemed evil.

I have grown up over these past few years and have begun to see that having structure and rules in one's life does not have to lead to stifling of creativity.

I never liked the way this Western society was structured. It was too rigid for me and I always felt like there's more to life then just doing things by the book - doing the whole typical go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, retire and die. I think in my search for meaning in this life I did realize that there is nothing wrong with pursuing those things because pursuing those things can lead to happiness.

I guess it boils down to creating a life that you desire and many of us actually desire the same things. Being fulfilled, love, friendship, etc. All these inner qualities must manifest in the physical world to attain true happiness. You can't have one without the other. You can't just have the inner qualities without the materialized and you can't have some material object or desire without some understanding of your inner world.

I think the simplest example from my own personal life is that of my desire for a companion and love. I have many lovely and supportive friends but there is that feeling of missing something. Some people may be happy to be single but it causes me a certain discomfort. I am still happy for the most part but having that companion would make things happier for me. You can never have too much happiness! This inner desire can only be fulfilled when the corresponding materialization appears.

Anyways, I see structures like governments and businesses as just inevitable. I think I got over my detest over the government early on because I understand why we have governments. They are necessary structures to have to keep humans organized. We have so many people in a country and there has to be a way to organize things to maintain some level of peace and order. There are always going to be people trying to organize ways that are unhealthy and destructive but the ideal is to have these structures that foster healthy human behaviour and the peak of attaining a structure and system is one where people feel freedom and feel in control of their own lives.

I guess if you look at countries in the world where there is a lack of government, there is quite a lot of violence, ignorance and disorder. There's that as well in democratic countries but not to the same degree. There is still that sense of law, order and justice. I see the lack of democratic government in these nations as well as a result of a lack of education but does not the desire for education stem from the realization of needing things to be organized? To have structure?

I probably have more to say on this topic but perhaps another time.

Messages from Someone with Issues

I will just let these photos speak for themselves!


Bosley is her dog.


The red cup she wanted me to replace. I just washed it instead. Good as new!


I was using her desk chair since she moved in since she got rid of her desk.


I think she feels this message was worth posting twice to me.


Someone does not want to take out the trash


Someone has been not doing dishes since the cops were called


Smoking is not allowed as stated in contract but someone is retaliating because the cops were called


The roommate says she will stay until the 15th of February unless I give her the deposit back (we were told by the police to not speak to each other anyways). She told me this last night and I politely told her to take out the garbage and dishes. She just had to write this the next day.

One of those Days

Greetings all,

You know there are some days where nothing bothers me and I am highly confident. Well today has not been one of those days. I'm sure I'll get back to being my normal confident self soon but things are looking rough for me.

Everything just seems hopeless and bleak and I feel like I'll never achieve my goals and dreams. I'll just be in this state of endless searching and never acquiring what I desire deep in my heart.

Fear and anxiety are riddling my mind. I must dig deep and keep hope alive.

The Last Straw - The Roommate Saga Continues!

Greetings and Salutations all,

I had my birthday gathering on Saturday and many people didn't show up due to the weather. I had plastic cups and I accidently used one of my roommates since mine were at the back of the cupboard. She went ballistic on me again the next day and I tried to explain that it was an accident.

I had sent her an email earlier saying to clear her stuff in the living and her dog's toys. She never cleared her dog's toys and there were empty boxes in the kitchen with some empty beer and wine bottles. I found them to be unsightly and although I never told her to put them away, I decided they shouldn't be there and so I put some on her book shelf and the 2 big boxes in her room, along with the dog toys. Of course she has her little fit when she comes home and yells 'Paula stay the fuck out of my room'. I really don't know why she acts that way. Does she really think she is scaring me? I open my door, only to find that she has all the boxes and toys all out in the hallway, making a mess.

Here's what the boxes looked like in the kitchen when she put them back. It looked like this before as well so it's understandable why I would put them away.


So she demands that I replace her beer cups. I only used one and so I washed it... but she continued to demand that I replace it. She writes on the whiteboard 1. beer cups 2. deposit. I erase this and she writes it back up again on the board.

I went out to a meetup on Monday night and left early to wonder the downtown of Oakville because being in my apartment has been so stressful. When I returned home the roommate was still demanding the deposit and that I replace her beercups. I already washed the one cup that I communicated to her that I mistakenly used. She told me in a threatening manner that she will make the next 3 weeks difficult for me. She wasn't saying this nicely. She was yelling to me. I had to contact the police on Monday night and so they had talked to me and to her. I was shaking and scared. She is terrorizing me and making me feel unsafe and I had enough. I am not sure the cops understood what I was feeling because I didn't just call the cops for no reason. She was bullying me and there was nothing that I was saying that was sinking in and she just kept behaving worse and worse. I felt verbally assaulted and frankly I think it should be illegal to yell at someone.

I went out for my birthday with my family yesterday. When I came home from my parents and took a bath my roommate was calling a friend and deliberately talking about me and how I have gone off the deep end. She said once she gets the police report, she is going to file a civil suit against me. She was telling her friend as well that the cop thought I was crazy. I will have to see what they wrote in the report because she seems to think it made me look like the crazy person. She was saying to her friend that she is worried I will hack her dog so she is going to keep him in her room.Since I have 2 mentally ill brothers with schizophrenia, she said 'now her parents have 3 crazy children'. So like a bully - to use information gained against the person to cause harm.

She also started smoking in the house. I smelled it yesterday and saw her smoking today. She is not allowed to smoke because that was what was written in the contract. I just started documenting things as well and taking photos. I will have to take the photo of the ashtray that she left out in the living room.

She was also telling her friend about how I want to be a stand up comic and I'm sure she was making fun of me but I didn't hear. It's pathetic but whatever information I told her, she is using it against me.

She is keeping her dog in her room while she is gone. She wrote on the whiteboard to stay away from her dog. This morning as well she kept telling her dog she is keeping her safe from the crazy lady and when she returned she would ask him if he was safe from the crazy lady.

Today she slammed her bedroom door really hard as I came out of the bathroom. Not once though, twice about 10 minutes later. To prove a point I'm sure but it just makes her look like an ass.

Also she hasn't been doing her dishes and has not been taking out the garbage in the kitchen. She stuffed the trash can and it is overflowing with garbage.

I have come to the conclusion that on some level she is jealous of me and ever since that day where I wouldn't switch rooms with her so she can put her couches, she has been power tripping on me. Someone pointed out to me that she wanted my room because she wants what I have.

She has been packing since yesterday and I look forward to her leaving.

I think she is lame and fucked up. A bully and a pathetic one when she doesn't get her way.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Greetings all,

Today is my 30th birthday and it is snowing, much like the day that I entered this world, 30 years ago.
Today I will try to forget my worries and enjoy a nice dinner with my family.

Drinking Wine at a Young Age

Greetings all,

I was on a date last night and was talking to the guy about how my family grew up drinking wine at the table and so for me, I was never really into getting drunk and neither were my brothers.

My family is Italian and I remember having wine with my gingerale all the time as a young child. I am not sure how old I was when I started drinking wine but I do remember probably around the ages of 9-12 (I really can't be sure so I will give it a good range) and telling my mom at the supper table that I was no longer interested in drinking wine.

And that was the day that I stopped drinking wine at supper.

My parents never made drinking a taboo. I always wondered if this was why growing up I never understood the whole concept of getting wasted and drunk. I remember in high school hearing people talk about how much beers they can drink. I wasn't impressed. They can claim to drink 10 beers at what, 4.5% alcohol? I was drinking approximately 8-14% alcohol when I was a child! Beat that!

Seriously, it never made sense to me to brag about how much beers you can drink before you get drunk. If you really wanted to get drunk, wouldn't it make sense to drink beverages that have a high alcohol content?

I'm an efficient drunk (I've probably only gotten drunk twice but I would rather get a good buzz). I don't waste time drinking all these wimpy drinks. If I want to get drunk, I go for 10% beer. It tastes alright. I usually buy the foreign kind from like Amsterdam or Germany. It gets the job done usually in one and a half bottles, if I drink it quickly enough.

I think I have other relatives as well that served wine at dinner. It looks like most of them as well aren't big drinkers but I'd probably have to ask to find out. I just know in my family we are not.

Since I don't drink wine at the table anymore, maybe I will have to once I have kids so that they don't think drinking is a taboo and will have little desire to become big drinkers!

No Your Never Gonna Get It!

Greetings all,

The drama with my roommate continues. She told me yesterday she will be out on the 1st of February and expects her deposit back. I said the contract says to give 6 week notice and she said it doesn't matter because my Facebook status update was considered slanderous.

Her dad runs his own business so she claims he knows all about the law. He probably told her that it's slander because he has such an influence in her life. He even told her how to vote and she listened even though she was going to vote for someone else.

She has clearly been having a power struggle with me and for no reason. The apartment is on my name and we signed our own agreement. I'm probably not going to waste my energy chasing after her is she doesn't pay her rent.

I will have to find a place for April so I should be fine, although I will be uber tight on money now, especially since I don't have a job.

I told the supers about my situation and there were other people in the office as well, maybe they lived in the building as well. But they agreed that she sounds like she is a control freak and on a power struggle after I told them that her dad runs his own business and apparently knows alot about law.

When I told the people there how she thinks my facebook status was slander, they thought that was silly and that it's my opinion and that you can't prove it's slanderous (especially since I can delete it from my wall).

This whole experience is causing me a lot of stress. I am a peaceful person. I'm a tree hugger damn it! I am not confrontational but I'm also not going to take abuse from someone.

I told them as well ever since she brought those couches in she has been on some power trip. I think those couches may be cursed!

A Look Back Over My 20s

Greetings all,

My birthday will be coming up soon on January 13th this coming Tuesday and I will be turning the big 3-0. I will be saying goodbye to my 20s and I am a little sad. My 20s was a time where I could get away with being arrogant but since I have been nearing the 30s, I am being forced to quickly get rid of some negative habits that I just can't seem to shake.

I've always considered myself a spiritual person and did believe in leading an ethical life at a young age. I also went through much existential angst in my 20s as well. But at the same time I had lots of work to do on myself and I was aware of it and was working on myself since I began yoga at 18. I knew somewhere in me there was a good, compassionate and prosperous person inside but many times anger and arrogance and general confusion and depression would hide it.

I think by the time I hit 27 or 28, I really started to take things more seriously. In my early 20s, I still wanted to take life seriously and get my life in order because it just felt so chaotic but getting close to 30 made me become more intense about the ideas and goals I had when I was younger.

I have been shedding lots of false ideas since I was 18. Looking at people and myself in a different way and learning how to let go of lots of pain I've had.

I don't have any more excuses now that I'll be 30.

The period from 20-23 was by far what I call my spiritual dark age. I turned to the philosophy called Anthroposophy by Rudolf Steiner. I mention this in a post about my journey of becoming an anthropsophist. I was driven to study Steiner's work for about 6-7 years. He isn't so much a central figure in my life now but I hope to return to him in the future, although I am working on my own Anthroposophical project which I mention here.

I had wanted to end my life many times in my 20s but reading Steiner gave me much spiritual nourishment and so that's why it was so hard to stop reading him. If I didn't have someone introduce me to him, I may not have found the strength to live and may have ended my life. It's hard to explain to people that you feel like you are being put through a test and many times in my early 20s I would experience these pangs of intense pain. I had wanted to die and end my suffering but I knew I couldn't.

I quit first year university. I was quite bright but somehow I felt the world of academics was not where I needed to be. I was tired of just being in school. I wanted to get out into the real world for a change. I started to work in factories and I worked in temp jobs. I didn't want to settle down with a regular job and liked that I could work in different places. But I felt like I had 'fallen from grace'. Here I am someone so smart, couldn't figure out life and what direction I wanted to go in as a career. I was stuck doing work that I felt was beneath me. I'm smart, why the hell am I stuck doing menial work? I knew I didn't want to be in school and this seemed like a karmic burden I had to carry because I was not wanting to go to school.

I had wanted to be a comedian at 16 and tried stand up at my high school and at Yuk Yuk's but I felt so awkward so I just stopped. I was fortunate when I was 21 that I was watching a show called Whose Line is it Anyways? and realized that I could do that and so I looked on the internet to see if there was anywhere I could try improv and I found a place called The Staircase and so I began my journey as an improviser. I obsessed over improv because I knew I could be good at it but I held back alot. I was quite afraid and many times sat on the bench. I was in my head too much. Second guessing myself all the time. Over time eventually I overcame this, although I might sometimes have a relapse.

I was a bit of a loner in my teens but my 20s I made the step towards being socialable and interacting with people more. It was hard. It seemed everyone else had an easier time expressing themselves but I was just stuck in my head. I find for me it was easier socializing on a one-on-one basis rather then in a group but eventually I learned how to interact with people more positively. I was probably very angry as well and I'm not sure but I think people probably sensed that in me and probably were uncomfortable with me to some degree. Or maybe they didn't notice, I'm not sure either.

I began exploring sexually by the time I hit 23 and I had lots of unexpressed sexual energy. I had a few boyfriends but many of my relationships were brief, usually ending around 3 months of dating. I was always a little bitter about the fact that I never had my first boyfriend until I was 19. Most people have sex and maybe even a kid by that point. I was almost like a man and I didn't care about being in a loving relationship. I just wanted sex and nothing more. I had a couple of friends with benefits. One that maybe lasted for a few months and then ended. Another was where we started out dating but it didn't work out after 8 months. I didn't want the sex to end and so we agreed to continue having sex. I had dated a few people during that period and would go back to him. I was quite sad when my special friend ended up ending our friendship for the new woman in his life. We were friends for 5 years. I always thought we were genuinely friends since we did have times where we just hung out in a non sexual manner.

I eventually came across a book last summer entitled Getting to I Do by Patricia Allen and had to seriously evaluate what the hell I wanted. I was at the point where I was wanting a relationship and figured I must be doing something wrong because things weren't working out the way I wanted to with a prospect I was interested in (aka English Muffin). The book pointed out how having sex prematurely is not good if you want a long term relationship. I had to sadly realize that if I wanted a serious relationship, I had to put a lid on my libido. I reluctantly did but I had a good reason. I wanted love and when I believe in something, I am willing to do what it takes to get the job done. I had an ideal to follow and I had to maintain a sense of purity with my sexuality. No sex without commitment became and is my current mantra.

I started to experience some moments of happiness when I was around 24. I got to eventually work up in Yellowknife for a summer where my job was to help my friend and we did lots of hiking. I was lazy but because it was part of the job to hike, it got me into the habit of enjoying walking, which I still do today.

I eventually settled down on temp work and was at one job for just over a year. Which for me is quite a long time. After getting laid off I took a few months off and I had a few jobs that didn't work out. I discovered qigong as well when I was 26 and explored many different styles and found myself sticking to the style called Tibetan Solar Qigong. I was no longer attracted to yoga, although recently I have gone back to doing kundalini yoga exercises. I also eventually discovered mantras probably around the same time and since that time I made mantra a part of my spiritual practice. I eventually landed my recent job, where I eventually got laid off again after 2 years.

Around 27 or 28 I kept seeing myself on stage - by myself. I wanted to try stand up again but had so many doubts. I kept improvising regularly but improv was not consistent were I was practising. I eventually got over my intense fears and doubts and finally got to do a stand up show last year after a 10 year hiatus. For me, getting started is the hardest part

It seems like everything in my life happens slower then everyone else and that always bothered me. I haven't achieved the success I desire but now is my time. I desire a life as a comedian, creative performer. I desire a husband, a companion, someone to share my life with. I long for inner and world peace and to be someone that is highly respected. I want to give back to this world, to do some sort of community work or to volunteer.

I have spent my 20s working away on myself and I feel I have set a firm foundation on which to build my life upon. I have worked to plant positive seeds and I know they will bloom soon. I am sad to say goodbye to my 20s but I am looking forward to the fruits that will blossom in my 30s. I long for earthly and spiritual joys and my Golden Age shall begin.

Happy New Year

Greetings all,

It is a new year!

I went out for New Years and ended up going to a dance party. I am part of the site called meetup.com and I'm in a bunch of groups. Two groups had scheduled an event to go out to a party. One of the groups said she was linking up with the other and gave out a # for tickets. It turns out this was for a different party and I RSVPed to the other event, thinking the ticket was good for that event. The one I wanted to go was already sold out and Russell Peters was going to host.

I was quite disappointed but tried to make the best of things. The organizer for the event didn't RSVP to her own event so I thought I'd be going to this event alone but the guy whom I bought my ticket from was there and he said she'd be here so I at least was glad to not spend it alone.

I saw the other meetup group members in line because I didn't realize the hotel where these parties were, had multiple parties going on. I showed them my ticket and they said that it was the right one but when I went back in line, they said it was not the right ticket.

The party I went to had alot of older people and couples over 40 and so I didn't feel comfortable about that. I dressed sexy for guys my age, not to be lusted over by older men!

* * *
My birthday is coming soon and will be on the 13th. I decided to have a party at my place and invited all of my friends from facebook. My roommate won't be around and her birthday is 5 days before mine. When she first moved in she told me that she doesn't want her friends over when she is not around, meaning basically that I couldn't become friends with her friends if she wasn't around. She told me that happened at the last place she moved in and one of her friends started hanging out there when she wasn't with her other roommates and she didn't like that.

I thought that was strange and thought 'don't your friends have their own minds and do what they want?'

Anyways, one of her friends is my friend on facebook. I invited everyone, even those who live in other provinces - mainly because I didn't have time to sort through who lives too far away, etc. I invited her friend and she told me today to remove him from the guest list. I said he can just reply no. And she responds "remember what I told you" in a threatening sort of tone.

I called up my friend because frankly, this is crazy to me and she agreed with me as well. I feel like she is some sort of Hitler and I just don't feel comfortable living with her. I don't even feel like I can relax in my own place when she is around.

I am not sure how to proceed with things because I do want to move to Toronto and don't see the point of kicking her out and getting a new roommate (or not) for 2 or 3 months.

I was told to send her love as a means of protecting myself and to send people love when they hurt you. I am going to have try that because I don't want to fall down to her level.

* * *
Well I talked to my roommate just now. Actually she confronted me. I wrote on my facebook status that I feel like I am living with Hitler and she read that and told me she is going to look for a new place. She bullied me as well asking me how do I bully her? I tried explaining and what not but she is a bully and said I was being childish about my status. She was attacking me and I tried to calmly explain my side but she just kept attacking and digging and interogating. I told her that if she felt like I was bullying her, I would be concerned but she didn't seem concerned that I felt bullied because she doesn't think she is one.

It's hard not to let this bother me but she is going to make me look like the bad guy when she should have looked at how her own behaviour is making me uncomfortable. I told her how I don't feel safe and she just bulldozed through what I said, not paying any attention to my feelings.

I honestly think that a normal person would want to know why this person feels this person is being bullied. I can understand feeling hurt but people don't write those things for no reason.

Dealing with her is like dealing with a rabid Chihuahua.

* * *
You know this was supposed to be the year that everything falls into place for me and so far it sucks! I started to read this book called "Why Men Marry Some Women and Not others". I read some of it yesterday. I feel panicky about ever being able to find the right man to marry. It talked about how women need to start looking for a man at 28. I am only up to chapter 4 but reading it is making me too stressed.

I just got to relax and hope things in my life will work out.