Key Chain

Greetings all,

I was at the Hamilton airport earlier last week as I was flying to Florida. I had purchased a key chain that I found there. It lists a birthday and then says what traits go with that. My birthday is January 13 and it describes those born on that day as follows:

Those born on January 13 are very goal oriented and strive for upward mobility; devoted to self-improvement, often having a remarkable memory and great sense of optimism. They can be opinionated and stubborn yet are lively and never boring.

I had thought this described me to a tee, especially the last sentence since I am opinionated and lively. I think because I have a good memory as well, people might see that if I bring something up from the past, it means I am petty. It does not. It just means I remember things accurately. I am just gifted with a good memory.

Winter Solstice

Greetings all,

I decided to take a week off and participate in a kundalini yoga winter solstice event. It takes place in Florida so it was a chance for me to get some sunlight and take a spiritual vacation as well.

I was tired a lot as 3 of the days were spent doing white tantric yoga where we have a partner. In the mornings we did 3 62 minute meditations and the afternoon was around 2 62 minutes meditations and maybe one or 2 31 minute meditations. There were slight variations during the 3 days with the number of meditations we were doing. We did different ones too and didn't repeat them. Most of them involved locking eyes with our partner. I noticed by the end of the last meditation that I felt pain more on my right side. According to yogic philosophy, the right side is the male energy and left is female so right is about giving and left is about receiving. I might have to work on being more giving and clearing the blocks. I'll probably ask the email group I am in about this to get some more experienced perspective. I heard some people experienced a lot of emotions coming up during the first day but for me, since I did a lot of clearing at home this year, I didn't have that sort of experience. I probably felt more physical pain rather then emotional pain. My mind was fairly calm during the 3 days. After the first day I had a pain in my right hip and on the third day during a meditation some pain was experienced around my right shoulder. They were offering workshops during the rest of the days and in one workshop, I noticed again there was some pain and discomfort on my right shoulder area.

At the end of the tantric portion, I felt I had to really muster my strength to do the second last meditation as the last one just involved holding our partner's hand so that was easy. I felt at the 2nd last one while on break, the concept of 'all for one and one for all'.

I feel pretty good now and had a great time. I think with all the kriyas and meditations we did, it'll take a few days to process all that energy. I really liked it since the week before Christmas, people get all stressed about buying gifts and they waste so much energy on materialism when this time of year (the winter solstice) has so much spiritual energy. It's too bad people are not sensitive to that but get suckered into the nonsense.

I sent out a lot of resumes the week before I left so I saw that someone called me so I will have to call them back to arrange for an interview.

I miss the sun though. It's dark here in Hamilton as I am staying at le Hotel Parents and there's some snow here. But it's good to be back in 'civilization'

There was the option of camping in a tent or staying in a cabin but I chose to tent it. It was cold at night but my sleeping bag was warm once I realized that if I put my blanket inside my bag, it would help. The first night I had my blanket over my bag and I think the heat is retained better once it was inside.

The next day after we finished the 3 days of white tantric yoga, a woman who was tenting near me was yelling at I am guessing her boyfriend. I guess work like this can bring out stuff you don't want to deal with and she was basically complaining about the relationship and called him an asshole. I was laughing a bit to myself as I thought this was not really the appropriate way to handle your anger, especially in a spiritual environment. I didn't hear the man yell back...

I had thought if he's an asshole, then why are you with him? Take responsibility for your choice in a man.

They have a summer solstice event in New Mexico and usually more people show up, usually over 2000 people. Here there was probably around 500.

As an introvert, I found it hard to socialize as there was so many people it's overwhelming. I met one woman from my previous retreat in Atlanta so I was more chatty with her. I think if I were to see these people again I might open up more. The conversation usually was just about where are you from, how long have you been doing kundalini. Nothing really too deep.

You have to do 'karma' yoga as well to help out and mine was being a veggie chopper. I managed to survive a week without internet, Nutella and no meat. I had thought I had an internet addiction but I guess it's just a habit since I can survive without it. We had a special Christmas eve dinner. On the white tantric days we got a vegetarian burger so that was a nice change. We basically ate the same foods every day. Breakfast was a soup made with onions, potatoes and celery. Dinner was mung beans, hot sauce (basically something made with onions), beets (which I didn't eat) and salad. Lunch was quinoa tabuleh and potatoes.

I brought chocolate raisins as a snack and they had a bazaar so I managed to finish my chocolate and bought some organic chocolate and kale chips, which were actually tasty.

Overall I enjoyed myself even though I didn't do too much socializing.

Men

Greetings all,

More thoughts on men from me. I think this was the year I was hoping to find the right man and it looks like that didn't happen. When I thought about it, it bothered me. How many years have I been wanting to find the right man and it doesn't happen? I just think now I don't care anymore. I don't know if that's a sign of maturity or a sign that I just don't think it will happen.

I don't have a lot of guys after me and it makes me wonder. I mean, I know I am good looking and I think I'm great but you would think that would translate into having a lot of suitors, which is not the case for me. Some people seem surprised I am single but I'm not desperate and am not just going to settle. Sometimes I think I should but it's not really my style.

I'm just trying to listen to my intuition but I am not getting any clear signals. I think I am wasting my time on on-line dating and I doubt I will be successful but I will try anyways. I am least want to feel like I am doing something and being proactive.

Parents

Greetings all,

My parents annoy me. I had went down to visit them this weekend as we had a family lunch in honour of my grandma who passed away since we would usually get together on her birthday and celebrate Christmas as a family with my aunt and uncle and my 2 cousins and their family.

I as well had a sleep study done which I didn't like. My doctor is making me take this since I have went back in September to see her about feeling sleepy. I had blood work done and do have low iron. I know it's seasonal affective disorder since I feel normal around March since the days are getting longer again.

First of all, the sleep clinic called me a few weeks before the appointment but they never left a message. I thought this was strange since no one called to confirm my appointment the week before. When I got there they said I wasn't on the list. I had told them that no one left a message, I just saw they called. Their notes said someone left a message. Obviously this means that someone didn't do their job!

Luckily there was a bed available for me. I had to wait quite a while before the technician started getting me ready. I had all these wires hooked up to my head and then I had one wire on each leg and two on my chest. I had some piece on my left index finger which measures oxygen levels. I get some nose test shoved up my nose and then I get some mic attached tot check if I snore.

Now I normally sleep at midnight and wake up at 8. I think I went to bed by 11 and I would be woken up by 6. I don't know how long it took me to fall asleep but I woke up probably around 5. I didn't know what time it was as I was trying to get back to sleep but then the technician came in to wake me up.

We had to fill out a questionnaire and one of the questions was how was your sleep, was it better or worse then usual. I wrote that yes my sleep was worse than usual but it was because of all the wires. How can you sleep like that?

I won't find out for a few weeks what the results are. I was asking my technician about the job and I find it ironic that they work nights and can't sleep in order to test our sleeping.

Anyways, this brings me back to my parents and how they annoy me. I stayed with my parents another night and for supper my mother made ravioli soup. I was eating my salad and continued to use my fork to eat the soup. My mother was getting upset at me and wondered why I wasn't using a spoon. I said, what's the big deal as ravioli is something you can eat with a fork or spoon. She was saying how I need to drink the broth with a spoon and then I said I can just drink from the bowl. Then somehow this conversation led to how my mother thinks I am difficult and that I can't get along with people.

I challenged her conventional belief and I still don't know how we got onto this topic. I mean, really why can't she just accept that this was how I chose to eat my soup in this moment of time. She had to be a brat and comment on it.

I frankly would not want to be with a man like my mother. I want to be accepted for who I am not lectured or made to feel bad all because of how I eat my soup. How trivial! Here I am trying to understand the world and what kind of contribution I can make to society and she demonstrates this petty mentality.

My dad as well complains that I don't eat enough vegetables. All the time. Hey I eat what I want to eat. Then he complains about the holes I have in my socks. Some of my socks have developed holes and I have taken my sweet time in getting rid of them mainly because I don't like throwing things out.

I don't nag them like they nag me. I don't like how my mother is obsessed with food and acquiring food books. I don't nag my dad about the smoking that he does and how he should quit or how he watches too much tv.

We all know nagging doesn't work. And when you nag it just means you don't accept the person for whom they are. I guess I will have to nag them about how they nag too much.

Eharmony

Greetings all,

I am back on eharmony, although just for 3 months. I noticed they had a 3 month special so I thought I'd try it again since I did meet someone whom I liked although it never went anywhere since he lived in England and didn't seem serious about wanting a relationship. I know on the site there are people who start out long distance and it works out so I decided to not limit my search. Most of my matches are local anyways. So far no dates yet.

I've had a few people close me out and it does suck to be rejected. I am the woman, I am the one who is supposed to reject!

Some guys I thought maybe would be interesting to meet but they would close me as a match. I wonder if some of them are making a mistake by judging so prematurely. How can you really be certain that you are picking the right people online? How do you know if you are rejecting someone who might be right for you?

I've tried online dating for so long and I know it does work. I am okay with being alone and I think I just don't care anymore if I find someone. I'm not really sure if I feel negative about my chances about finding the right person

Let's Get Physical

Greetings all,

I noticed when I took advantage of my free week at a fitness center for women that it made me feel better doing some cardio and physical workouts. I enjoy doing kundalini and it definitely has some physical benefits but doing more high intensity workouts gave me a bit of a boost.

My seasonal affective disorder is making me so sleepy that at 1.30 I was yawning. I think I was still sleepy when I worked out but at least I felt a bit energized.

I think I've decided that I'll take advantage of other gyms that offer group classes like zumba or cardio. So far the few I've looked at give you a 7 day trial or a 3 day so I think I will try that since I have to watch my money since I am still looking for work.

* * *
Last week I had a job interview so it's been my second in my search. Tomorrow I have a phone interview with another company so we will see how that happens. I am so bored with myself so I just want to work again and have more money coming in.

The Boards

Greetings all,

I'm sure I've written about how I am on some board for women to talk about relationships. I think I have mentioned there were primarily 2 people who seemed to get everyone the most riled up and seem to be the rudest. They happen to be good friends as well on the board so they haven't turned against each other.

I probably am more sympathetic to one of them as I think she is probably more intelligent and so I am less offended by her whereas the other to me seems like a red neck. She has bragged at one time that she slept with so many famous musicians when she was young as she was a groupie and she was quite proud of this 'accomplishment'. Frankly I don't understand why banging so many men is an accomplishment because it's not. Just because they are famous doesn't mean anything. If you follow them around enough they'll give in just because you're there, not because you are special.

This woman annoys me the most. I guess my previous post was about another woman who lives in England. These 2 live in Texas (although not originally from there) so it just reinforces all the negative stereotypes we Canadians have of Americans (namely they are dumb and violent, which is not always the case).

She recently put up a post apologizing to people on the board. I initially thought it was a bogus apology but didn't say anything for a few days. I had enough of her posts and didn't see a change and had to comment. As well there was previous discussion about getting a moderator and since these 2 people are primarily the trouble makers, I had figured the woman who owns the board probably spoke to them and she just posted the apology as a good faith act to show that she isn't a complete bitch.

Lo and behold, all these people comment on this thread and my one 'negative' comment lead to much discussion, which I hadn't followed. I guess I am assuming I stirred the pot. I think I am entitled to expressing my opinion if I think an apology is a bogus one. I think it's more important to act sorry and change your behaviour. How many politicians apologize and it's meaningless? In improv a rule is: show me don't tell me.

This woman to me, has to show us she is sorry. Words don't mean anything. I think I have the right to be skeptical towards her. I have good reason. I have seen how nasty and pompous she can be on the boards. People just need to accept the fact that when you apologize, maybe not everyone is going to accept it. It's their right. You as the apologizer have to accept this and keep on living your life and maybe they will turn around and start believing you. I only trust people when I see their actions match their words. When I don't see the actions match the words, I don't give them anything. They are not worth my energy. People seem to forget that they have to earn respect. You can't abuse people and then suddenly think they will forgive you if you say a few little words. Words hurt. Sometimes people say, oh it's just a board. As true as that it, there are people behind these boards. Some are being real and others just use it as a place to hide.

I am starting to wonder why I go on the boards. In my real life, I have no drama and make no excuses for drama. But here there is some drama and I try to not engage in it but sometimes I just have to speak out about what I perceive is crossing the line or bullshit.

Lately, I have been having a hard time with my seasonal affective disorder and being out of work so I am more prone to irritableness but there is a difference between someone being a nice person with bitchy moments and someone who is a bitch with nice moments. I think I am the former and the other woman, the later.

I will have to think about what I get out of that board. I just don't understand some of the cattiness. I know I've been annoyed by some people but I really see an injustice and so have to speak out.

Deserted

Greetings all,

I have had another rough week. I am getting tired of job searching and I am losing faith that my life will ever improve. In other words, I feel deserted. I feel like the universe has abandoned me. I have not heard from any employer for an interview. Nothing from temp agencies. Just this silence.

I applied for the Toronto Fringe festival but I never got a spot. I should take this as a sign that I should just quit. Why bother trying anymore?

I hate my ex-boss for letting me go. Am I just singled out because I'm single? Do they think it's easier for a single person to be unemployed then someone with a family? Because it's not. At least if I had a family, I'd have a husband to support me emotionally and mentally. On my own, I just have me and I have not much to give.

What do you want from me world? Why does my life meet with constant frustration? Why are others leading better lives? Why am I living in poverty? When will my needs be met?

Annoying Neighbor Part 2

Greetings all,

My elderly neighbor has been bothering me again. Last week she had to go to the rehab centre across the street and she asked me to take her, which I agreed to, mainly out of guilt. She wanted me to stay with her which I thought was ridiculous. I may be out of work but I have my own life. I don't think this was fair how she has been treating me.

I had spoken to the super and she had said she's given her information on government services that can help her but she didn't seem to take the suggestions. It's not my responsibility to help her. She has no family and her sisters live in Winnipeg (so she says).

I've seen ads about abuse towards the elderly but they do not talk about how the elderly abuse others. She came by my place again today and asked me to take her to the rehab centre. I gave her some phone numbers to contact and she was getting mad and not listening to me. I refused to help her this time around and she said I was not going to go to heaven.

I'm just going to have to ignore her. I am hoping she leaves me alone. This is abuse as far as I am concerned. She has no right to harass me. She seems to have this entitlement mentality and she has to realize that there are resources for her and she's going to have to utilize them and stop pestering the neighbors.

I had spoken to the super again today and she said she already told her a few days ago to not bother me. I guess she didn't listen. I really have zero tolerance for this type of drama. Why do some of these elders think they can place these unrealistic expectations on others?

I will just have to ignore her. It makes me regret helping her with small favours in the first place because now she just thinks she can ask me for anything and that I will not object. I think all of this could have been avoided had I not been willing to help her with small things. Sometimes with some people, once you give them help once, they expect it always. The ol' give 'em an inch and they take a mile.

Greetings all,

I was at a mixed drinks convention back in the summer where you basically get to sample all sorts of different alcoholic drinks. I'm not really a drinker so this was me stepping out of my comfort zone. I so don't understand why people are so into drinking. I would try various drinks and enjoyed some of them but I don't think I'd want to waste my money on making these at home. Maybe it is because I am cheap. Or simple. But I am content with drinking ginger-ale and my water!

Anyways, I got a free week at a fitness centre for women. They do various classes like pole dancing, stripping dances, zumba, boxing, etc. Basically they have a variety of fun classes but just for women. The company was doing a demonstration and they were giving out these free week passes. I had finally gotten around to using it as I want to make sure I can attend as many free classes as possible.

Last night I went and took my first zumba class. I think this was the most challenging class for me and I was losing my energy probably at the last 10 minutes. I sweated a lot and worked my heart a lot. I had half hour breaks between my classes so the next was boxing. For about 10 minutes we did tai-bo type exercises and then did partner work where we would do punches, jabs, hooks, upper cuts and kicks. As the partner, we would have to wear punching gloves so our partner used that as a target. At least doing that I could rest a little so I didn't find this class too strenuous. As well, there were some kundalini yoga exercises where we would have to punch continuously so I've built up endurance for that and that skill seemed to be transferable.

My last class was a sexy strip dancing and we were learning a dance routine to a Patty Labelle song. I was laughing during it because it's really not my style to be dancing like that and to be seductive. I was being a bit of a dork but who can take doing this so seriously? Are we trying to seduce a man? If that were the case, I'd just make him some dinner and tell him how right he is! I don't see the point of shimmying my hips or doing floor work where I spread my legs.

I'm going tonight to take an MTV choreography class. I might consider going to something like this once in a while. Right now money is an issue. I certainly think it is a more interesting way to get some cardio and get your heart rate up. With my kundalini, I can get my heart rate up but I do not sweat much or get sweaty. Maybe I'm not much of a sweater.

Annoying Neighbor

Greetings all,

I have an elderly lady neighbor and she gets annoying at times. I don't see her often but since I've been home more because I'm not working, I tend to see her more. Now I don't think it's right for people to automatically sympathize with the elderly.

Some people are just annoying and we shouldn't just give them sympathy because they are old now. They probably were equally annoying when they were young. I can think of many young people and coworkers, who are annoying. One day they will become old and be annoying to those younger then them.

Sometimes this neighbor will ask for help on small things. Like one time she wanted help on opening the lid on some item. She was doing it wrong so I showed her how to do it. I generally am willing to help once and a while. If it becomes a habit, then she should consider going into a retirement home because I and others who live in the same building, can't be expected to always help her.

I had gotten a few grocery items for her last week that she missed on her trip as I had planned to go as well to get some groceries. She was complaining to me earlier about the neighbor who takes out her recycling and her garbage. She said the neighbor wouldn't take them out right away. Now I saw in her recycling bin, there was one item - a milk carton. She also said she would take out her garbage twice a week. I live alone as well and it probably takes me 2 weeks to fill a garbage bag.

I started lecturing to her about being environmentally responsible because she was producing too much garbage and that there was no need to take out garbage twice a week. Then she was complaining about how animals would get to the garbage if it wasn't taken out. Excuse me, but you live in an apartment. There are no animals that would get to your garbage. They only get to it if it's outside.
No wonder the neighbor doesn't always take out her items!

I wait until my recycling bin gets full and then I take it outside. Tuesday night is when they take out the garbage so I tend to empty it out on Wednesday, after it's been emptied.

So this elderly woman is just bitching about something when really she needs to be more considerate about the neighbor who helps her out. Instead of expecting others to serve you and accommodate you, maybe you are the one that has to change. Regardless of how old you are.

I think she needs to socialize more. I would think being isolated leads to this type of ignorant and self centered thinking.

Comedy Class Show

Greetings all,

I had my stand up comedy class show on Thursday and it went well. The instructor had her 2 classes in one show so it was broken up into 2 parts. I was the first person in the second half and we had two different hosts. My friends and I didn't like the host for the second half as we thought she was not funny and was being shocking but with no punchline or jokes. She would talk about her rape fantasy and mostly sexual stuff. One of her jokes was how someone told her she wasn't damaged enough to be a comic, but there was really no joke. This just seemed like a premise. I think if that's the style (shocking) that she's going to stick with, she'd better work to make it more clever because it's not interesting for the audience and it made some people in the audience uncomfortable.

I was told by the instructor's wife (she's a lesbian) that I was the highlight of the show. The thing is that I've been doing this for 2 years and for most of these women, this is their first show. So yes, I should hope I am the better of the performers.

The host introduced me in, what maybe was an insulting manner, I couldn't tell. She said that I needed therapy (I'm guessing she was trying to be funny, but it didn't seem like it) and when I got on I said that I did but that I would rather have a rim job. The host joked that she gave someone a rim job as penance so I thought I'd play off on that.

I did well on my set and actually improvised a line that made one of my jokes funnier. I forgot one of my jokes. I am not sure why I bombed on the Sunday but I definitely think it was related to the energy work and to the yoga class I had. I probably didn't feel like performing and just wanted to be alone and maybe the audience picked up on that.

But I figured as well that I shouldn't let one show get me down. The flip side is that I shouldn't let one good show keep me up. I think it helps to pace yourself. Sort of like Dollar Cost Averaging.

Bombed

Greetings,

I had a show at Second City but it was not organized by SC, but just the space was used. They created a facebook page which said the show started at 8 pm. When I got there, it was already starting and apparently the show was to start at 7 pm.

It wasn't a big deal that I arrived late. Earlier on that day, I was doing Sat Nam Rasayan work. I took a workshop a few weeks ago by Hari Nam Singh, from Los Angeles. We used partners and did individual work during the 3 hour workshop. Someone asked about having a regular class to practice and continue the work we learned so that started up on the Sunday. It's just for 1.5 hours. After that I decided to stay for a kundalini yoga class and then I went home.

I don't know if the fact I did alot of energy work affected my performance. As well I do feel sleepier with the shorter days, it affects my memory. I did my set and I tried this technique someone said when doing a talk. She said to anchor your feet and breathe in and pause. I tried that and sighed. Maybe that threw off the audience. I don't know what happened. I just didn't connect with them. I think I didn't want to be there either because I think I just wanted to be alone but I had booked this already so I didn't want to bail.

I might have got a couple of laughs but it was by far the most awkward show I did. There was a decent size audience. I ended up not talking about 2 things and I didn't end well either and just got off the stage. I was probably not up there long. We were allotted 7 minutes.

The host was nice to me after it was done and told me to sign up again. This has never happened to me and I just don't know what happened. I'm really hoping it was just the energy work I did and I probably was better off staying home.

I got home and I felt so humiliated and had cried. I felt bad as well the next day and it might have been related to the energy work and not so much the show. This experience made me wonder if I'm just wasting my time doing stand up. I know I can be funny but I'm not feeling I'm clicking. But that could just take time to get good.

Job Want Ad

Wanted: Employers who will not give me benefits. Who cares about having good teeth and having prescription drugs? Your health is not important and I want to be with an employer that gets this.

I don't want a job, I just want to be on contract because I love not being certain about my life and knowing if the next day I will have a job. Since I don't want to invest in my future and buy real estate and plan for my retirement and for my funeral, please don't give me job security. That's overrated. I want to fly by the seat of my pants and stress.

Please be the type of employer that keeps bad employees and let the good ones go. No company ever succeeded with smart and accurate employees. Companies always thrive when incompetent employees are the norm.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Greetings all,

I've been going to the library more often because I'm out of work. I mainly go to job search and so it gets me out the house. I used to go in the afternoon, but around 3pm, students come and it gets loud. I do not understand why people are allowed to be loud in the library. It's a library, it should be quiet. People should be whispering. It almost gets as loud as a mall!

In the morning it is quieter but sometimes people use the phone and make personal calls. One time one woman was talking to her computer. I think she was on skype or something. She looked crazy holding the computer up to her mouth. Last week, a woman was talking on her cell next to me. I was in a bad mood to begin with and had to complain to a staff member. She was talking at least for 20 minutes.

What is wrong with these people? Is it just this library? There is another library close by but I'd have to drive to it. This one is close to my apartment.

Is nothing sacred anymore???

One time I had my cell phone ring and I had some red neck get mad at me and a security guard came up to me and told me to turn it off. I didn't even talk to anyone.

As well, I live in an up-and-coming ghetto so there are some mentally disturbed people that occasionally make their presence known. I at least can understand if they talk but they still need to keep it down.

The security guards are useless here. Honestly why have them here if people can get away with being loud. It's time for me to complain!

Psychic Experience

I had some weird psychic experience or something last night. My mom phones me today because they are thinking of letting my older brother move in with them because he's been on welfare and having a hard time finding work and got some part time work. hey The government is cutting his money back so he might not be able to pay rent and my parents might need to give him some money. They were giving him some money to cover rent before he got his part time job. My dad wants him to save money for a car as well since his car is over 10 years and probably does not have much left.

My mom called me to get my 2 cents. I don't get along with my brother much and he's been a problem for me at times and it's hard for me to not react to him. My dad and him don't get along sometimes which I think they should get counselling for. It was my dad's idea to have him move back. My parents had a rule that they would not let you move in once you moved out but I think considering what's going on economically, they might adapt for this.

My mom said last night my dad couldn't fall asleep because he was worried for my brother. For some reason last night as I was sleeping, I kept getting this image of my dad. I got some negative vibe from this image, like he was unwell or dying so having my mom tell me that he couldn't sleep was confirming that I had some psychic connection.

I had just said that it's up to them to decide. It's not any of my business. They should discuss things and discuss what's the maximum time he can stay. As well he should have some responsibility like doing dishes or something.

I prayer for my family as much as I can because I hate to see the suffering that's gone on so maybe this will be good for them. Who knows. I don't run the show.

Coffee Date

Greetings all,

I went on a coffee date this Thursday with a guy. He called me Wednesday and he seemed decent and nice. The coffee date went okay. I didn't feel much chemistry but I would have given him another chance.

We exchanged a few messages as I had agreed to go out with him again since I'm willing to give someone 3 dates. He then suggests that he:
"would love to take a drive with you, go for a nice lunch, cuddle, hug and stuff."

WTF? Cuddle and stuff? So you buy me a coffee and now you think you are entitled to groping and touching me? Cuddle is just a female-friendly term for I want to make out with you and hopefully fuck you. I'm sorry but you just don't say that kind of stuff to a woman after the first date. You don't even say it. What kind of a hunter are you? If you plan on making the moves on a woman, you just don't tell her. Ever! You just do it.

The other problem was he was 38 and still living with his parents. His parents are Indian so I don't know how much an effect this had on him but he was born in Canada. He had a good job and his parents didn't need a caretaker so he had no excuse to be living with them. It's a big problem if you are over 30 and still living with your parents. You have to have a really good reason to be with them. I've been laid off twice after I moved out but I never went back to my parents. I didn't want to. It's wrong unless you are in school and needing to save money. Or are taking care of them. Again, there has to be a real legitimate reason to live with them. I think too you just don't learn full independence and I want a man who is self sufficient. I do not want a mama's boy. If you live with your parents, you just don't struggle as much because you know you have them to cushion you.

I emailed him back saying I wasn't comfortable being with someone who suggested to hug and cuddle and wished him good luck. He comes back saying it was just a suggestion and asks me what to do.

Some men just don't get it.

Wear Purple Campaign

What currently seems to be popular on facebook is the event to wear purple to support the gays that commit suicide. I frankly don't support that cause. I'm all for gay rights but what I have a problem with is that tonnes of students experience trauma in high school and have to deal with the issue of not fitting in. A lot of students kill themselves, not just gays. I don't think it's an issue with being gay, although gays are at risk. It's a mental/emotional health issue.

I think if young gays are killing themselves, there's got to be more to the story. It's symptomatic of a deeper issue. No one just goes and kills themselves because they aren't fitting in. They do it either because they are in deep pain that may or may not be related to their sexuality or they don't really understand the consequence of taking their own life and do so to hurt others.

The fact is there are a lot of young people who hate themselves. Who hate life. Who hate their peers. They are gay and straight.

Maybe these gay teens have an unsupportive home life and their parents are the ones who have a problem with homosexuality.
Or maybe they have an undiagnosed mental illness and were already mentally/emotionally unstable

Here's one incident I read about that was one of the students that spawned this purple campaign:
The recent attention comes in the wake of nine recent suicides stemming from bullying, including Tyler Clementi, a Rudgers University freshman who jumped off the George Washington Bridge after his freshman roommate filmed him without permission having a "sexual encounter" in his dorm room and broadcast it over the Internet.

My take on this, is that this is certainly an ignorant way to handle this. I can imagine how humiliating this would feel but I wouldn't take my life over this. This incident probably has happened to straight students but maybe it's not as newsworthy as a gay person killing themself. Frankly this student could have sued them. It certainly makes me wonder why they thought killing themself would be a solution. Again, was this person stressed from school and this was just the last straw? It's not fair to assume the suicide is related to their sexuality.

I think I just don't support this cause because it doesn't talk about why this is going on. It's a fact that lots of teenagers commit suicide. It's not just gays.

Is this campaign about suicide? What is it really about?

Of course this is unfortunate that teens kill themselves and I sympathize, but why are they doing this? Is it the environment? Is it a mental/emotional problem they have?

Is this what we teach our children? That everytime there is a problem, we choose a colour and then get people to rally behind us? This isn't teaching anything.

As well, since I think this is more a mental health issue, what does wearing purple teach people? We should be educating people on how to handle their problems and how to deal with their anxiety, fear, anger and pain. Telling people to wear purple just lets them know that gays are dying but it's not a real solution

Gays are more at risk for committing suicide but it would make sense to educate them on dealing with their sexuality and what the social discrimination they will experience so that they can be prepared. I think it would be more practical to launch a campaign for this then some lame fashion campaign that really isn't going to empower the gay community.

I just think people support this campaign blindly and don't really think about the overall social pressures teens and young college/university students experience. As well we just don't teach people to be strong. We teach people to seek acceptance from material things and we don't teach them to love themselves. Maybe because we still don't know how.

As well there are plenty of gays that learn to deal with not fitting in and are happy and secure. Why don't we start focusing on the behaviours and mental attitudes of gays that succeed in life and are happy? I'm sure there are plenty who have faced social difficulties but they chose to make the best of things.

My final point is it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight or have a mental illness, you have to learn to stand up for yourself. You have to grow some balls in life and learn how to fight for yourself. Instead of getting people to change their clothes, why don't schools and parents teach their children empowerment classes? People need to learn that you're not always going to fit in, so it's more important to love yourself and not care what people think. Not everyone will like you and it doesn't matter your sexual orientation.

PS
Don't tell me that that I've proven this purple campaign succeeded because I've written about them. I'm just pointing out how short sighted I think it is. It certainly has some work if they want to take their work seriously.

First Impressions

Greetings all,

I had met someone who said they were taking a communications course from Landmark. I believe I've heard some negative things about them but there seems to be some people who like them.

I met this person a few weeks ago but he was talking how in the communications course they ask you to ask people what their first impression of you is. There were 3 questions, which I couldn't remember. It is basically pointing out that your first impression of someone is right but for me and I think most people, my first impression is not accurate.

Sometimes I meet someone for the first time and I form no impression. Maybe on some unconscious level I do but I think it takes time to get to know someone. I'm generally a skeptical person.

There are people though, who I genuinely do not like initially and sometimes it never changes.

I think there is some truth to what your initial impression of someone is but I think it can limit you. Then you think you know all there is to know about the person. Then you don't bother getting to know them on a deeper level.

I read this article that mentions at the end that we stereotype people based on their physical features. I think this is true. I have an innocent looking face and look young for my age. I tend to be serious and not smile much, maybe as a way to look older?

I tend to take my first impression of people with a grain of salt. Sometimes I am right but I believe in giving people a chance.

Comedy Class and the Drama that Goes with it

Greetings all,

I am taking a standup comedy workshop just for women. This is the 2nd level, which is basically identical to the first. I took it last year and one woman who was in my class last year is in this one. The woman who teaches it is a comedian so I don't really want to say anything negative about her especially if I have to ever work in the future with her. I have no intention of burning bridges.

There were a few females who are 24 in my class and it makes me feel really old because one of them is really outspoken and though she is probably really a decent human being underneath it all, I find she seems a little vapid and hostile. I don't know her well enough to say. She has a valley girl voice. One of the girls in the class is her roommate as I think they met earlier on this year at the first level and hit it off and decided to move in. Her friend said she was smart. I don't know if this is true or not. You know how dumb people say their friend is super smart but really it's relative to that person. But I don't think that the other female is stupid. I think calling this female super smart is a bit of a stretch.

Since I'm so smart, I think it's best if I decide whom I think is smart or not. So I'm giving this chick a chance. She's self publishing a book so I may be a little intrigued. It shows initiative, which I think is a sign of intelligence. However it is possible that this book sucks. She has said it's a collection of boyfriend stories and I guess guys she's dated.

I listened to her on a podcast for comedians, which now I am trying to get on since she was on it and I've been involved in standup a little bit longer and think I'm a little bit more funnier.

In the podcast there was a discussion on what is it like being a female comic and discussing if it is tougher. She said it was and I have to agree. I think you probably have to be better to get the same amount of respect a man innately gets on stage. She had said that she sometimes will say things randomly to shock people to get their attention. Since I haven't seen her perform, it makes me wonder if she's doing that because she doesn't have enough substance or charisma on stage. If anything it suggests to me that she's not confident in herself and is insecure. I don't think I've ever had to resort to throwing out random shock lines. I know I get laughs and maybe others get more laughs but I don't take the entitlement attitude with me. I get the laughs I get but I know this is something one has to persist in. And I am confident that I am funny. I may not be that great at writing standup but at least I am working towards it and am naturally funny.

My feelings are neutral on this young woman but we'll see what happens.

The other woman who was in my class last year is taking this 2nd level again for networking purposes. This basically means she is not willing to work hard in standup and is basically looking for someone's coat tails to ride. Or maybe she just wants to socialize with those in this scene.

She is a bit older and I think early 50s. In last year's class, I think out of the 8 of us performing, she was the least funniest. I was the funniest. There is a bit of drama going on with her and the teacher and it was really apparent on Monday's class. I had talked to her briefly about the class we had on Thanksgiving. There was only 3 of us that showed up. I took this class because I was curious as to what new stuff she would teach but it was basically the same stuff that she was teaching in the first level. I wasn't even sure if I got anything out of the 1st level. I had standup experience already when I took the first level. I had read books and a dvd program. I was just looking for a system that I can produce jokes but maybe that's just not going to work for me. I know about how to write jokes and about set ups and punchlines and act outs, etc but I was really wanting some method that works for me. The dvd I got had some useful techniques and the basic format for joke telling but the teacher's style was constricting to me.

Maybe I just have to create my own system of making jokes. I get ideas randomly and then jot them down. I probably need to rewrite most of my stuff but I hate that and it's work. But since I am an improviser, sometimes what I joke while performing can be written down so I need some system that is flexible. I did tape a few sets and have a digital recorder and maybe listening to that can help.

Anyways, I took the initial risk of starting to talk bad about the teacher. I was saying I wasn't sure if it's me that's getting annoyed at myself or I'm getting annoyed at the instructor. Either way, I was annoyed. This woman said she was feeling the same way. When I talked about my ideas, some of them weren't being taken to the direction I wanted to go in and standup is about self expression. I had coffee with some friends on Sunday and they gave me better direction for my joke. I think if anything, she probably needs to learn to teach better because it's really about us finding out the essence of what we are trying to say. Or to make us realize an idea or observation we have may not be suitable for a joke.

During the class the woman threw out a suggestion to someone's joke. It may not have been funny but the teacher was a little rude to her. But then the woman can play the child role and be helpless. So I think I see both sides of their drama and they both need to smarten up a little. If you're a teacher, you should have inexhaustible patience or you are in the wrong profession!

It's been an interesting but I think now I have officially decided I probably will not take any more. I don't think it's worth the price of admission.

Irked

Greetings all,

I've been irked these past few days. First of all I will start to say one woman on the relationship forum I am on (where we discuss men and relationships) has been irking me. We'll call her SM. I had started a topic about the difference between work and effort, i.e. basically it's not healthy to be working really hard on a relationship and that it is symptomatic that you are not in the right relationship. I had said that putting effort is required but you're not struggling to make it work. I was inspired to start this discussion because I've seen a few women on the board basically putting too much effort and thinking about the men they were interested in. The creator of the forum has her own ebook. Her basic premise is to focus on your life and make yourself happy and work on your confidence and self esteem. I was good at this since I always did this kind of stuff and didn't give up my hobbies when I started to date a guy.

Now this one woman SM, irks my chain. I've stated to her in another thread that I just don't like her style. She does a bit of story telling but for me I find it hard to follow her train of thought. It's not concise at times. Sometimes she makes good points but I find it's too convoluted for my taste. I have seen the occasional newbie mention her style is confusing. Some people seem to really like her and specifically request her help in threads and I don't think that's right but now that I think about it, they are probably the really fucked up women and maybe that's why they like her so much.

There are some mighty fucked up women that show up here on occasion and I sometimes just can't handle that. I think they need professional help and the board just is not enough for them. There are normal women though who may just have minor issues with men, women like me who have a pretty good head on their shoulder but maybe experience some man glitches. But you know, some women are martyrs and so can sit down and try and dissect their dysfunctions. It's too much for me. I have my own life to worry about. I encourage people but you really have to deal with your own drama and just grow up. It's that simple but it's hard to do. SM tends to focus on these 'meatier' women and so can write alot about their situation. Some of which I think is not necessary. I don't know but as I said, these women have to learn to help themselves. I think it would be wiser for her to advise them on books to read or actions to take. But there's a lot of analyzing that goes on. I'm an action oriented person so I know analyzing your situation can only do so much. Then it's time to turn to action. I mention that I do yoga to help me deal with things and I basically recommend people do that. There are other tools out there and that's what these women need to focus on. Not analyzing men. I think women just need to empower themselves and focus on themselves.

I think with SM in that she can really analyze something. Sometimes she is right about what she says but sometimes I think she is off the mark and sometimes I think she is hypothesizing something that may not be true. But she's very confident and I think a know-it-all and maybe that's what irks me. Know-it-alls are my biggest pet peeve.

There was one thread a few months ago that I commented on. SM and I were giving different advice. The woman was pining for an ex and he happened to be living with a woman who was a girlfriend. At the time it was not verified that he had a girlfriend already but the poster was suspect of him. I have always advised that it was time to let go and move on. However SM advised her to stick it out. That this is just a test. I really felt I was the only one on the thread who know that this woman pining for this man was wrong. It wasn't going to work out. She had to let go of her obsessions. SM said she was running a marathon and had to let him act out whatever was going on with this woman and that he probably still loved her since he would contact her.

It made me cringe because SM is so popular on the board but she was guiding her along the wrong path. Eventually this woman gave up on this man (like I suggested, although I don't think my advice got into her thick skull) and was seeing someone else and seemed happier. In essence I was right. In a case like that, it doesn't matter if the man still loves her. He's with someone else. You have to let go and move on and not talk to him. Some people didn't get that not talking to him, didn't mean you were cutting him out of your life. Sometimes I don't talk to people but that doesn't mean I've burned a bridge.

Some people are codependent on the board and I think SM advocates codependency. This is extremely unhealthy. I don't think she's aware of how she acts sometimes.

So back to my thread that I started. I was inspired to start that thread on the difference between work and effort in a relationship because SM and I were having the same disagreement on another thread that was similar to the thread I just mentioned. Women here think their situation is so unique but they are not. Many people experience similar problems and we really are not that much different from each other.

SM wants her to tough it out and be patient and that this guy she was interested is just confused and figuring out things. But this has been going on for too long and I said to move on. Now when I say to move on, it means to focus on yourself. If the man comes back to you, it's because you were focusing on your own happiness. You are not trying to make him love you or want a relationship. That's impossible.

SM totally disagreed with my thread and used an example of how she used to play a piano and worked really hard to learn it. Her point is that people now-a-days give up too easy when things get tough. I was not against that, but that was not the perspective I was talking about. I think I was carrying some frustration from a previous thread because I may have been hostile but in the end I was trying to be civil. It is hard when you are dealing with someone a bit crazy. But then maybe I should not deal with crazies!

She could not argue my counter argument and did her fancy nonsensical analyzing and ended up saying I was annoying. I was pushing her buttons but that's how it goes sometimes. I had said that a piano does not have free will like a man. A piano can't up and leave. A man can. And that wasn't the kind of work I was against. Her playing the piano gave her a sense of fulfillment. Many of these women are struggling to make something work with these men but there is no sense of happiness or fulfillment. I think I made some good points but she couldn't see my perspective and it irked me. How many times do I have to say my point? Then she says I keep saying the same thing. Hello, I'm just trying to get you to see my perspective.

A good relationship doesn't require work. I've seen many happy couples in my life. One key ingredient is chemistry. It's there or it isn't. The second is compatibility. That covers a lot and basically you have to have some solid compatibility or the relationship will be too rocky. Both are important and obviously there is give and take but both parties are happy and no one compromises to the point of unhappiness. Sure there may be some issues that you struggle with but that's called growth and pushing past your comfort zone. But it's not the struggle that drains you in the end. It's struggle that fulfills you.

I finally said that we will have to agree to disagree, that it's a stalemate. I think she just doesn't understand what I am saying. But I understand what she is saying. Working hard is like fire. It has to be applied appropriately. I think I read Steiner saying this in a lecture about evil. Sometimes hard work is right and appropriate but sometimes in the wrong case, it just causes more trouble.

There have been 11 responses since my post last night so I will have to check that out. I think I'm done with her. There was hostility on both parts but I think she was carrying over stuff from other threads that just aren't appropriate. I feel frustrated that no one now seems to be mediating between us but then maybe they are too afraid? I may have been hostile but it's because I see someone misleading someone and it's not right. I suppose I can cut her some slack, but because she's so insistent she knows better, it's hard. I just need to realize she doesn't have as much power as she acts like. I had said in another thread it's like she's the Wizard of Oz and I'm Toto, and have pulled the curtain away to reveal an ordinary woman. She just acts so great and is not aware of it.

* * *
Another thing that has irked me this week is that I posted on my facebook that I was in post-Scranton bliss. I really enjoyed my road trip. I had an idea and made it happen thanks to some friends of mine who were open to the idea.

My improv friend had said anything after Scranton would be bliss. I said he was jealous and then he got upset and said what's there to be jealous of. Then we bantered and he was really being foolish in his comments, making assumptions. He called me a lemming because I went because of the Office. He didn't know how I came up with the idea and was being judgemental. He said I should go on a real vacation. I had said that I was out of work and wanted to go to Peru but have to watch my money. Going to Scranton would fulfill my need for going somewhere but within my budget.

I wish he had some balls to realize how ignorant he was but he was just lashing out. I deleted the comments. He was quite rude. Who are you to judge me and say I'm a lemming? Scranton is like going to Montreal. People take road trips all the time. So I'm an Office fan. Big deal. I don't go on your facebook and be rude.

I really truly feel he was jealous and was just lashing out on me. So not appropriate!

He's good friends with the other improviser whom I unfriended on facebook because he was too hostile towards me and I had enough. This guy is not nearly as mean. Maybe because he's married and so has some sane woman keeping him grounded. But he can be insensitive like the other improviser. I probably won't unfriend him, but I'll certainly keep this in mind. If he needs a favour, probably won't get one from me.... unless he does something to redeem himself.

* * *
The final thing that has me irked is that I've had a reoccuring dream that I am getting my old job back and this happened last week, a few weeks ago and last night. I don't know what it means. Does it mean I am still pining for my old job and needing to let go?

I want to find a job. Hopefully I can find a better job. Hopefully I can figure out my life and start doing work I enjoy.

Blah!

Men

Greetings all,

I'm in a meetup group and am an assistant organizer. The group is for introverts. It has probably been the one group I am most active in. I don't know if introvert men are like this or if it's just some random people but some of the men I find in the group to be very passive. I don't think many of them have had a lot of girlfriends in their life.

I have noticed a couple seem like they have low self esteem and lack self confidence. Sometimes I wonder if people like that just join the group. That is not what an introvert is.

From this site the following is a definition of introvert.

an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

One guy in the group has stopped coming because he got upset after a meetup that someone was suggesting that we go to a Tim Horton's with outside food. He stormed out at the suggestion but we all thought he was joking. He has been out of work for probably a few weeks so I think he was just stressed and being pissy and overreacted. I had contacted him saying that we were just talking about it and didn't carry it out. He said it went against his beliefs. I had given him a day to cool off and realize that he's overreacted but that didn't help. I organized another meetup and this time around he rsvped maybe so that was a sign he was starting to realize he's been overreacting.

The man is however 50 and so I find it immature. It wasn't like he didn't know about his job getting let go, they were notified 4 weeks in advance. As well he has only been there for 2-3 years so it's not like he's worked there for 30 years and has to start over.

I like to trade barbs at people but most of them aren't into that. Is that an extravert trait of mine? To me it's like how two puppies fight each other. It's all in fun and I want to see how intelligent you are and how you can spar. One guy says I was being mean. I don't think I was but it makes me wonder if these guys are just too sensitive. I want a man, a real man. One who can put up a fight if necessary. Not a pansy that I have to worry about if I hurt his feelings. Life is a challenge and I want a man that can tough it out and not hide in a corner.

I don't know if I want to stay in the group so much. The women are fine but the men are just perhaps too sensitive for my liking and I'd like to be around more aggressive men. Not too much, just a touch more.

One of them I can say doesn't seem like a pansy. I don't know all of them well enough to say so I'm just thinking out loud here. There have been a few people with social anxiety but I don't know why they join. Not that there's anything wrong with doing so. I just find it annoying. I've had social anxiety but I've dealt with it for the most part although I can still feel anxious.

I think at the end of the day, a nice, strong and balanced man is what I would like.

Scranton Road Trip

Greetings all,

This weekend was Thanksgiving weekend for us Canadians and so I decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to go to a Scranton road trip as Scranton is where the NBC show, The Office takes place. I had threw out this idea on my Facebook and a couple of my friends were up for the adventure.

I had googled the distance from Scranton to Toronto and it's basically the same distance as driving to Montreal (5-6 hours) so it didn't seem too crazy of an idea. On the first day we did some shopping at an outlet mall in the US. We then made our way to Hornell NY. The next day we made our way to Scranton and stopped at Corning to see the Glass Museum. They had some modern glass pieces and some historical glass on display. There also was a section that talked about the science of glass.

When we arrived at Pennsylvania, we stopped at the tourist centre and got a booklet that featured Scranton. Apparently The Office does official tours once a month so we were not able to make that.

We finally arrived there and got to take some pictures. It was getting late so we didn't have too much time. I took a picture of one of the buildings that is featured on the opening credits and at the Steamtown mall there is the Welcome to Scranton sign that is featured in the opening credits as well.

I didn't get much sleep the first night, maybe a few hours. I slept better the second night. To cross to the US, we had to wait for 2 hours so I ended up stretching in the backseat but also doing some car dancing. I also stuck my head out the window and pretended to be a dog.

What else can you do in these situations???

Coming back from the border probably only took 30 minutes and then I had dinner with my family. I had bought a Pirate costume for Halloween since that is what I am going as this year and so I wore my Pirate hat and hook for a while during dinner.

I am in Post-Scranton bliss!

The Experienced Newbie

Greetings all,

I recently decided to take a Second City workshop. I was quite hesitant because I already have improv experience, however I decided I would like 'official' training. I've been doing improv at the Staircase theatre for about 8 years. I learned alot about being an improvisor there. The intention of this theatre is to make improv more accessible to the community. Second City is a for profit organization and so offer more training, but I guess one can see that as creating cash opportunities.

At the Staircase, it was more simpler. There was a beginning workshop and an advanced. And at one point there was an intermediate.

So I took a Level A intensive which I finished last weekend. It ran during 2 weekends, which was easy for me since I didn't have to drag it out over 6-8 weeks. Some of my classmates I told that I was here just for the official training and already have experience. I checked the SC web site and if I wanted to audition for their Conservatory program, my improv experience may not be recognized. Now that I've taken a level, it might help me look more appealing. There are 5 levels and the conservatory has 5 levels as well which you pay for. So essentially there are 10 levels. A little nuts if you ask me.

My teacher didn't know I have improv experience so I probably looked good as an improvisor.

Tonight, however I learned there was a musical improv jam and I decided to go down. The woman running it asked me as I arrived early about what class I took and I said A, not saying I also have other experience. I've taken a comedy song writing class at Bad Dog theater years ago and made 2 original musical songs. I took a musical improv class a long time ago at the Staircase as well and on the rare occasion we would get a chance to do music.

I finally got to play a musical game and it was the last game of the night. I did well and the host whom I told earlier that I was at Level A, had centred me out in front of the jam participants. The spotlight was on me, she embraced me and was patting my back. Told everyone that I was Level A and did such a great job. She said how brave I was for coming up as a Level A student. Everyone was cheering for me and clapping. I felt so embarrassed and felt like I was a bit of a fraud. The musical game we did was new to me as it was one I never did. Some of them I don't think I've tried but I certainly didn't feel right receiving such praise when in fact I am experienced.

I wanted to get the hell out of there as soon as possible and I did.

A Documentary about the Porn Industry

Greetings all,

I had watched today a documentary called 9 to 5: Days in Porn, which is a documentary about the porn industry. I was a little disappointed because I was hoping it would show more about the dysfunctional side of the industry, however I felt it was portraying it as a regular job.

The porn industry is obviously a big one, and I as a female who does not watch porn does not understand why. I personally would rather make my own porn for myself then profit off of it, although I see nothing wrong in doing so.

One porn star Sasha Grey was a regular porn watcher and went into the industry because she really wanted to create better porn. I think she was the most interesting because she knew what she wanted. She also was wanting it to be more creative and wanted more creative control.

They showed a former porn star who is now a doctor and works to test those in the industry. I think the industry has changed since she was in it. She talked about the negative side of the industry, however I wanted to see more of this. I just didn't feel the movie covered the darker side.

I had found out on Wiki after researching the following 'dr'. She actually has a Phd from one of those unaccredited degree mills (like Dr. Doreen Virtue I am guessing) in sexuality and was the founder for this organization that tests the porn stars. So this movie was misrepresenting her as on the dvd it calls her a Dr. which she is not a real one.

They all seem to enjoy their work and don't feel it's degrading. I would have liked to hear more about the male porn star. They only showed one and didn't cover him too much. I don't think any of them had drug problems but I'm sure there must me some. They all seemed pretty professional in this field.

At the end of the documentary they show the actors and say where they are now in their life and I was amused as an anthroposophist to learn that at the end, one of the porn actresses in the documentary was said to be wanting to send her child to Waldorf kindergarten. I was surprised because usually those who know what a Waldorf school are either enlightened or have lots of money.

Most of these people had relationships that were long term.

Greetings all,

I had gone to my doctor last week because I have been feeling sleepy since the beginning of September. I am still with my doctor in Hamilton and will need to find a Toronto doctor. I've contacted one place but they weren't accepting new patients. I may go down to that clinic since it had multiple doctors. I am currently with a female and prefer a female doctor, although maybe having a male would not be so bad.

I have not been feeling fatigued tired, just sleepy tired. Like feeling drowsy. I've been yawning all day and generally want to sleep although I can't. I had a blood test done so it looks like my iron is low and has dropped from last year. I was taking iron pills for 6-8 weeks and then was to take them during my period. I was doing this for a few months but didn't notice much of a difference in my sleepiness. I had figured that it was because of getting less sunshine due to the winter that I was feeling sleepy so that was why I went to the doctor. I was hoping there would be some medicine to increase my alertness so that I wouldn't feel sleepy all the time.

It's possible maybe I needed to stay on it longer. Back in December my iron was at 16, prior to that 25. Now it is at 10.

I had given blood a few times this year and someone told me black molasses was high in iron so I would start drinking that a few times a month. You just put in a tablespoon in a glass of hot water. I've read that giving blood can lower your iron so maybe that was why, however I would take the black molasses the day I gave blood and a few days after it. I had stopped giving blood because I felt too drained afterwards and felt like it took a bit too long to feel normal again. I felt a little low energy. When I took the black molasses, I felt like my recovery time was fast and I didn't feel that drained the next day. I had figured taking some black molasses would help with my iron issue.

I don't know if low iron is my problem or if it's symptomatic of a larger issue. I eat meat every day.

I'll be seeing the doctor again in November, so we'll see how much my iron levels improve.

Greetings all,

My mom had informed me this morning that my grandmother passed away last night. We were expecting it as last week she had low oxygen levels. She was taken to the hospital and she got sent back to her nursing home after a few days with kidney issues and water in the lungs. Now I have no more grandparents.

With the fall just around the corner, I feel death in the air. Everything is just coming to an end, to its death. Having this is just making me feel like I have no control anymore in life because time is the ruler. Everyone gets older and there is nothing we can do.

I would love to turn back time or to just freeze it but I can't. We are all prone to death and it's scary. We think by keeping busy and filling up our lives that that will keep at bay death but it doesn't.

Life seems so short and so fleeting. I just want to hold on to it but I can't. It's about letting go.

Youth does seem to be wasted on the young.

Greetings all,

I had applied for EI last month and got a phone call from the case manager yesterday. She had notified me that on my Record of Employment it said I was dismissed. I have not had the chance to see my ROE since the company sent it directly to the government and I am having problems logging on to the Service Canada website. I had written on my application that I was downsized due to restructuring. Because that's how I interpreted their reason which they said was 'human resource'. Pretty vague reason to let someone go. They had moved someone from another department into ours because her department was being transferred to another city. As well things were slowing down a bit so that's what I figured.

I was pretty pissed because now I am wondering if employers can access this information and as well, the company lied to me. They had stated it was a 'human resource' reason. Is this now the new code for 'you're fired'. That is utter nonesense. I will be seeking legal advice on this because this better not result in me not getting EI. I had a performance review months ago and my review was favourable. We had a new team leader so maybe he just didn't like me but that is no reason to get rid of me. I think he is a pussy and have lost all respect for him. I think there were others there who should have gotten let go whose performance was not up to par.

This is why I don't trust companies. They do what they want anyways. And they want me to work and slave for them???? Hell no! I want a balanced life and am not going to be so committed to an organization that only cares about itself and it's profits.

* * *
I decided to take this standup comedy class for only females. I took it last year and they also have a level 2, which is what I am taking. It started yesterday and what irks me is that some of the people in the class didn't take level 1 so I don't understand why they are in this class. The level 1 is on Thursday so maybe that was not a good day for them but I don't think it's right that they are taking it. As well it seems like the teacher is basically teaching the same things again and not doing any new writing exercises. I am not sure if this is good for me to take. I saw on facebook that they did a class show and had these cool posters. Maybe it's just a good chance to be seen.

I am also annoyed by one of the girls in the class. She was going to do a joke on this guy friend she invited to her place and made him think he was going to get sex but she was just calling his bluff and was not going to sleep with him. She had him naked on her roommate's bed with a condom on, ready to go. I don't know what their relationship was but I understood that they were friends.

What pissed me off is that this girl was being a cocktease and being disrespectful towards this guy. She's just playing with him in a way that I didn't think was cool and was cruel. What pissed me off more was everyone thought what she did was okay. I frankly thought it was mean and just a sign of her insecurity. And it's a way for these insecure people to feel better about themselves. It's not how a woman behaves, it's how an immature baby behaves! If a guy friend wants to fuck you and you don't want to, it's better to just tell him or dump him as a friend. I fail to see how being a cock tease is going to teach him a lesson.

I can understand wanting some revenge but I think it's better to take the high road with people. It reminds me of that Carrie Underwood song Before He cheats where she basically sings about her revenge on an ex. It's cute as a song but to me when a woman acts on her vengeful tendencies, that is scary and there is something wrong with the person. It's one thing to have thoughts of hurting someone but to act upon the destructive thoughts... well that is just wrong!

The girl was 24 and was a non stop chatter so I was really annoyed. As a woman, I was a little offended. I want to see females do something a little more intelligent instead of doing mean jokes about guys they jerk around with psychologically.

The other thing that irked me is that the teacher was telling me to turn my joke on me (so it ends up being self deprecating) whereas with this girl, she didn't tell her to do the same. The girl was being a cocktease so she should be making fun of what a trollup she is. Or not make the joke at all!

My style of comedy is not self deprecating at all and comedy doesn't have to be self deprecating. Some of the funniest jokes I can think of aren't self deprecating.

I wonder if this class will be good for me. I hope so.

I went down to my parent's on the weekend usually we say our goodbyes at my car. I think when I was leaving, I was starting to become aware that I think they actually love me.

* * *
I started to feel sleepy again on Monday. I was thinking it was because now the days are getting shorter. I think last year I was starting to get sleepy around the end of October. Now I am starting to wonder if I have some other problem and not seasonal affective disorder (SAD). I tried the light box, vitamin d and calcium and iron and those things didn't help. Maybe I have some other issue. I am thinking maybe it's hypothyroidism or an adrenal issue. I've been reading a site a friend recommended called stop the thyroid madness. I've taken my morning temperature and it seems to be a bit low according to what the site is saying is normal. I'll have to speak with her because she has a thyroid issue and used over the counter meds and they helped.

Facebook Status Updates

Greetings all,

Some people are really annoying with what they post on facebook. I have some friends who I have to put their news feed on hide because of what they post. Now you may ask, what is the point then of this? I can still visit their profile but at least I am somewhat in control of what I see.

I have a few friends that play those farmville games or mafia wars. I don't need to see that in the feeds and I don't know why they hide this from making the feeds. It's quite annoying.

I have alot of friends who I've met on the standup scene and some of them promote their events in their status updates. Now not all the people that do that are annoying but I have a couple(as in 2 people, not boyfriend/girlfriend) of friends that I find are self absorbed and always seem to talk about how great their life is or always promoting themselves.

I think there is nothing wrong with that but to be mindful that it's rude to be constantly promoting yourself or to be so self absorbed.

One of these people is a woman in her mid-40s. She lives in Toronto but has recently moved to London. She was one of those people that had kids young so she probably didn't get to explore life much and probably started comedy when her kids were more grown. It's annoying actually to hear her constantly brag about how great her life is. I'm not jealous or anything but I am wondering if she is overcompensating for her (I'm guessing) previously boring house wife life. She always brags about if she is in a commercial or has some show. She is currently travelling in Paris. I on occasion visit her page so she is currently bragging about seeing things in Paris. Things I already saw when I was 28.

She also has some video blogs on her facebook but I find them really annoying and actually childish for a woman that age. She does a whole series on breaking up with her husband (which isn't true). I watched them and I just find her over the top but too much so that it no longer is funny. All of her friends are constantly saying how pretty and wonderful she is and her work and I just think that feeds her starving ego.

I don't know her well enough but this is just from what I gather. I have seen some of her standup and while I think she does get how to make jokes, her sets have primarily been sexual (I would say 90% have a sexual tone to it) and I personally cannot respect anyone whose entire set is just sexual jokes. It's too easy. As an improviser, the sex jokes, the jokes about piss and shitting. Those are the easy jokes. It takes skill to actually do 'clean' jokes and talk about things more intellectual.

I think she has came in second place for some contest where people vote who the winner is. There are a few out there for comedians. Some of those are just popularity contests and those are easy to win if you have lots of friends and are persistently bugging them to vote for you. Which she did. And which I didn't vote for her. I think I voted for someone else whom I thought was funnier.

I have decided that I will vote for those who I actually like, not if you are my friend. I think in the long run it's for people's good. It forces them, I hope, to keep persisting and working on their material. If they are always winning things because their friends vote for them, they don't actually work on their craft. Obviously in the entertainment world, not all who are successful have skill (like Justin Bieber) but at least overall most have some talent and skill.

I have one friend who is currently in Korea. I think it's cool. She's not bragging and so I don't find her annoying. The woman I mention is showing off and that is what is annoying. I'm not jealous of her successes and probably would respect her more if I didn't get the vibe that she was narcissistic.

The other guy that annoys me basically is the same way and constantly talks about himself and his projects.

I don't intend to unhide their feeds because their personalities are so annoying. I don't consider them my friends but more as acquaintances, otherwise I would unfriend them.

The Office

Greetings all,

I have been watching the Office lately. Not the British version, the American one. I'd like to see the British and see what the differences are.

I normally don't watch tv, however, last week I decided I'd actually rent a movie. I NEVER rent movies and maybe have done so once or twice in my life. The reason being is that I no longer use television and movies to fill up my time. I usually spend time thinking alone or on the internet or going out and doing stuff.

Now I have too much free time. I will probably start job searching next week. I am waiting to hear from an employment counsellor since I was considering becoming an event planner. It was so weird but I went to the mall where their office is and I felt really spaced out. I don't know if I was dehydrated or just tired from last night.

Anyways, last week I decided to throw caution to the wind and let myself zone out by watching television. I decided to rent The Office and I am on this $10 plan where I can take out as many movies as I want for a month. The catch is I'm allowed only to take one at a time. So far I am up to Season 3, Disc 1.

My favourite character is Dwight Schrute. I see a little bit of me in him. One episode he was saying he was going to punish people. Now I have felt that way at my last job at times. I felt some people were just so sloppy that they should be punished or fired. Dwight is more out there.

The thing I don't like about office people in general is that sometimes they don't come out and speak directly. Basically you have to learn how to read between the lines. I notice this in email correspondences as well. It is aggravating. I understand the need for professionalism but why not speak directly? What is wrong with saying what you don't like? I guess people just don't want to speak the truth and just would rather use the 'I don't want to hurt your feelings' as an excuse.

And I think the Jim character is cute. The actor was born in the same year I was and he's married already so I don't think I have much of a chance.

In the first season, I found the people so serious. I didn't understand why they wouldn't laugh at their bosses jokes. Some of them were funny. I think that was the funny part. It showed they had no sense of humour at all. I think the boss Michael is bringing in something useful to the corporate world. He is not that great at managing but he believes in being friends with people and he brings this human element to the office, even though he is out of touch with reality at times.

But isn't that part of being in the corporate world? Because he is wanting to be their friends, he is breaking the boundaries that the corporate world sets. But I think perhaps work would be more enjoyable if people did try to be more friendly and open and laugh.

Some of the stuff that goes on is sexual harassment so I find I have a hard time accepting that portion of the show. I have a hard time suspending my disbelief and that's probably also why I don't like to watch television or movies.

My Brothers

Greetings all,

I don't have the greatest of relationships with my brothers and I thought I'd discuss it and get my feelings out.

I don't get along mainly with my oldest brother. I have 3 brothers. Two are twins and they are mentally ill with schizophrenia. They are 9 years older then me. The other is 12 years older then me.

My oldest brother is not the nicest of people. We sort of got along when I was younger, however he doesn't handle stress well it seems and he has abusive tendencies. Back when I was in grade 7, we had a family dog. My friend would come over sometimes for lunch and one day we did. Somehow our dog ran away and I told him and he freaked out and went to hit me. I don't remember if he did but I made myself fall to the ground to protect myself because I didn't want to get hit. I was probably 13 and he was 25 and 6 feet tall. I probably was around 5'4 at the time.

When I was in high school, we had issues with the telephone and if I were on it and he wanted to be on it, he would get angry at me. I think he would rudely get on the phone and demand that I get off of it. I was not someone you mistreat and I would give him attitude back. Sometimes when he didn't get his way, he would call me abusive names. He has called me a slut and a whore several times. And in an angry and abusive manner. He was probably 28 at the time and I never had a boyfriend until I was 19.

He pissed me off so much while I was on the phone one time that I snapped and threw the phone in my bedroom. I made some damage to the wall. It's still there.

When I was 23 and came back to my parents from my summer of working in Yellowknife, he ended up getting himself in jail for harassing a woman. He had spent 2 weeks there.

I feel ashamed to have him as a brother at times. He is out of work and on welfare. He finished taking a course on how to be a truck mechanic and hasn't found work and doesn't seem willing to take any job. When I was in high school and he worked at Camco (which is shut down now), he would complain that he always meets these women on welfare and then would complain about how many single mothers are on welfare in Hamilton. I find it ironic that now he is one of them (on welfare). It's not right to be so judgemental towards people.

I am angry at my parents as well since I told them about the incident in grade 7 over the dog and they did nothing about it. They did nothing about how he's been mean to me. I think they have tried to talk to him but nothing improves. My dad and him do not get along too well.

My parents should have kicked him out. Or forced him to go see a psychiatrist, considering the family history of mental illness. I think as parents they have failed because they should have protected me from him and they didn't. They continued to let him misbehave. They needed tougher rules and to actually enforce them.

As a result, I have tendencies to be hostile towards and to be mean back. It's understandable because once someone crosses that line and starts abusing you, it's normal to become defensive towards them.

And then my mother blames me for the fact that we don't get along. We don't get along because he can be an abusive asshole and I won't just sit there and take it.

I keep my distance from him and sometimes he will email me to ask me how I am doing. It's unfortunate but it would be nice to have a nice, caring brother but I find he is too dumb and too selfish and too nervous and dysfunctional. I feel like an only child at times since I don't feel any connection to my other mentally ill brothers. I don't feel like I can turn to them, even though they are supposed to be the older and wiser ones. I'm actually the wiser one in the family.

Three brothers and none of them I feel close to.

I guess it would be nice to end on a positive note. I try to keep working on my happiness and confidence and try not to react to them. I try to stay neutral. Some times it's easier then others. I pray for my family though since I feel there is some dysfunction.

Greetings all,

I have been slowly getting out of my depressed funk. My apartment has been getting really messy as probably since I've lost motivation to maintain it. I've been slowly cleaning it up. I was starting on Friday and emptied out some of the stuff in my freezer. I had gotten rid of a lot of crap in my fridge when my ex roommate left and so haven't actually gone through my freezer to see what needed to be chucked out. I was happy about that.

I have thought about going back to school in January. I am one conflicted individual. I was thinking of going in event planning and I think maybe some of those skills would be useful for an aspiring comedienne. Then I was also thinking I should just become one but I am still on the fence with that. I am hoping to speak to an employment counsellor this week.

The thing is as well is that I consider myself an intellectual and so look down on college. I would rather go to university, however I am not clear on what to take there. At least with college there are certain technical skills that maybe more useful for me.

* * *
I feel like I am being defeated. Is this a good thing? A bad thing? Who knows at this time.

Rant Time

Greetings all,

I have a couple of things to rant about in this post. First of all, I went out briefly today and I have noticed that when I walk alone on the sidewalk, and two or more people are walking towards me (like a couple or friends), they will not move and I seem to be the one that is always moving. Well I am tired of being the one who always moves and I don't know what is wrong with people. Is it just the people of Toronto who act like this and think they are entitled to hog the sidewalk or is this just how people typically act?

No more Ms. Nice Woman anymore. I am not moving and adapting to people. Wake up people!

* * *
My other rant is hearing people have sex. I have a house that is close to my building. I have no a/c and so I have to keep my windows open to maintain some coolness in my apartment. I hear one neighbor whose baby cries alot. It's annoying. I always wonder what they are doing wrong. Babies usually cry for a few reasons. 1. they are hunger 2. they need their diaper changed 3. they are teething or are sick 4. they want attention and are bored 5. are tired or 6. they are just easily irritable.

So I always wonder if the mother is just being irresponsible as the daily crying makes no sense to me. Anyways, that annoys me, however I understand a baby doesn't know any better.

But what truly annoys me is hearing the neighbors going at it. I don't know if they are the neighbors next door or if they are the neighbors in my building.

Today I was having my dinner at 7pm and I heard the neighbors. This irks me and is my BIGGEST pet peeve. I have really good hearing too and that just makes it more annoying. I just think it's rude. They could have music playing so that people wouldn't hear.

So instead I decided to play some of my mantra meditation music and I was blasting it out the window. I don't know if it made them realize they were behaving inappropriately but I hope so. I hope it annoyed them as much as they annoyed me.

Selfish people suck!

Down down down

Greetings all,

It has been a rough week for me as I have been feeling rather unmotivated and depressed. I had stayed at my parents for a few days and for the rest of the week I stayed at my place and had become depressed about my life and my work situation.

I just don't understand anymore my life and it hurts. I wonder often what is wrong with me?

I am smart, attractive and funny and yet there is something not clicking in my life and I just don't understand.

I've been trying to stay positive but I think I am better off accepting my situation and my pain. I really feel hopeless and I feel maybe I just will not get the things I want (family, job that I enjoy).

I feel beaten down and I don't like it.

I want certain things to materialize in my life and maybe it just won't happen. Why fight it? Why work hard in vain?

Why do others seem to have life so easy and are leading happy and productive lives? Life just doesn't seem fair.

Moving On

Greetings all,

I had written a few years ago about a gumball machine business I had and other confessions about my financial woes. I am getting ready to sell them. I have taken a few out and plan on selling them individually as I think in the long run I will have more success in finding people to buy them, rather then selling the whole route. As well, over the years I have had a few stolen so my original 25 is now some weird number like 21. I have insurance on them and didn't bother to replace them since I had the intention of selling them.

I've had a few machines get stolen as I had picked up a few these past 2 days. They were stolen because the business owners probably went bankrupt and didn't bother to contact me to pick up the machine. This has happened a few times and the problem is that I don't chain them to something sturdy but also these owners are being irresponsible.

One of my machines was at a location of my ex friend Mike whom I talk about back here. I wasn't sure if he would be there as my machine was at his work place, a truck washing place. They have 2 shifts and he was the supervisor. I don't know if he still works there so I was nervous about what to say if I run into him since I didn't want to deal with him since he decided to not be my friend anymore. My mom has been accompanying me these past 2 days and I had told her that Mike was there and I didn't know what to say. We had talked and I realized I can just be polite and say I am taking out the machine. I don't need to be friendly or anything, just be professional.

Well luckily he wasn't there. I spoke to someone there to say I was removing the machine but I never bothered to ask if he still worked there.

I've had some issues with my dad because he didn't really like this idea of me investing in a gumball machine business. At the time, I really felt I could make decent money and maybe quit working so I could have more free time to pursue creative endeavors. He basically pulled an 'I told you so' yesterday and I told him off. At dinner tonight, I calmly told him my feelings about the situation. At the time I was doing what I thought was best. In the long run it didn't work out as I wanted it to but I did learn something from doing this. In that sense I don't think it was a mistake. Lots of successful people try things that don't work out they way they initially planned but they persevered and became successful.

I just want to get these out of my hands and move forward in my life. At least I tried and took a risk. I am upset at myself and do feel bad about it not going as I had thought. Of course I feel a sense of failure but there's no point in continuing to beat myself up. I've done enough of that anyways. Being responsible for these machines has felt like a burden so I will feel much better and lighter when I begin to sell them.

Unemployed Woes

Greetings all,

it's been my first week of not working and it's been weird. I've had a chance to settle down after my yoga retreat. I didn't do much this week and just did some yoga. I will have to start getting myself organized next week.

My mind has been all over the place and today it has settled a bit. I was thinking that at least with a job, I had a routine and my mind was occupied. Now I have too much free time and I end up getting absorbed too much into myself.

I will also miss the social aspect of work. I feel now that I will become too withdrawn. That happened a bit to me last year. I don't know if it's because I'm an introvert and since I don't have much external obligations, I just withdraw because of my introvert nature?

I want to get active again and I feel I've lost some momentum but I think I need to start finding work I enjoy. I know there are people out there who like what they do so it's not unrealistic.

I don't feel this getting laid off again is a blessing but maybe it is

Yoga Retreat

Greetings all,

I had arranged to go to a yoga retreat a few months ago in Dahlogena Georgia, which is about an hour north of Atlanta. The couple that teaches the workshops for the weekend were Ana Brett and Ravi Singh. I have been following their dvds that they produce along with having my own practice.

It was challenging at times and I am still a bit sore. I was disappointed that I was laid off the day before and it almost has an ominous feel to me. I've never been to a retreat before so I was happy to go there.

I decided to fly out of Buffalo since it looked a bit cheaper. My flight was for 6 am and I ended up not sleeping. I tried to rest a bit at the airport. I was feeling some anxiety over my job loss and anxiety over getting there since I really hate flying.

When I boarded the plane, I felt this wave of panic at my throat centre and I just wanted to get off of the plane. I didn't know if I was intuiting something negative on the plane or just having a freak out over flying. I had never experienced this intense feeling of panic. I had felt so confined and trapped and I didn't like it. I was hoping this would be a safe flight but I was starting to feel like maybe this plane would crash.

I think because I didn't get sleep and because of getting laid off, I probably was more stressed then usual. My flight home was easier. I just felt some mild anxiety.

On the flight to Atlanta, I ended up crying a bit and tried to be discreet about it. The guy sitting next to me asked if I was alright and I said I was feeling better. He worked as an airflight simulator and I told him about how I felt confined and trapped and not being in control of the situation and not knowing what's going on. I know intellectually flying is pretty safe. I just think I'd like to know more about flying.

I was the lone Canadian in my group. I had thought there would be more international people. One woman was telling me someone she knew said that Canadians didn't like their health care and she didn't believe that. She asked me for my opinion and I said we all know it's not perfect but we certainly would not want to give it up and pay for it ourselves. I have not met anyone in my life who was against having health care. Complaining about it is one thing, wanting to get rid of it altogether is another story!

Americans honestly frighten me and I think it's largely due to the media portrayal. A gun loving nation with no health care and lots of violence and an addiction to the belief that there's a god.

They all seemed like normal people and I wanted to stay neutral about my feelings towards them. There are stupid people everywhere and I didn't want to automatically dismiss or judge any foolish thing they said based on the fact that they were American. But they mostly all seemed sensible.

I had taken a car ride to the airport with a couple and they had begun talking about the Afghanistan situation. I was hoping they weren't brainwashed that the whole war is just a scam but they seemed to be aware that this was not the right thing to be doing.

The Americans get fed alot of lies by their government and sometimes you wonder if they can discern through the nonesense. It's very scary when people cling to ideas that don't correspond to reality.

I felt out of it and I think it might take a day or two to adjust to the experience. You just end up going to a different place mentally. I didn't get an epiphany about what direction to take my life but I'm hoping that will come soon.

One of the people that was staying an extra night (as the last class was Sunday and I left Monday) let us use her rental car to go see some water falls in the area. We had went into town for lunch and she had scheduled a massage for the afternoon so we went back to the resort to drop her off. I thought that was generous of her since most people may not be comfortable with letting strangers use their rental car. The water falls were about 15 minutes from the resort so they weren't too far.