Reception Clearing

Last night I went to a fundraising fair (I guess that's what it was called) that a person from my study group was involved in. She and someone else runs a Waldorf kindergarten class in the school. So I'm guessing the money goes to the school. Some people from my group said they would attend and so I decided to join along as well. I'm not really a festival/fair person but I thought I'd go socialize with my fellow anthropops. Usually in our weekly gathering, we spend about 30 - 45 minutes just socializing and talking about what's going on in our lives or in the world before we actually begin with our reading.
There was a silent auction and a whack of children there.
I hate kids. I really do. All that unbridled energy. I'm so glad I'm not a teacher. Actually I don't mind kids, there was just so many of them.
I purchased some desserts and saw one of the couples from the group and joined them. They were that older couple who went to the US and BC and came back to Brantford and rejoined our group. I really wanted to talk to them because I was curious about them and wanted to know more about their history. The man has been reading Steiner for 28 years and his career was as a chemistry teacher. He is like the Yoda of the group and he's also good at explaining anthroposophical ideas. I didn't get a chance to talk to his wife because she spent time with her granddaughter and taking her to the children's play area. She's a Waldorf teacher and is quite social and outgoing. She's good at opening people up and seems to have insight into people.

I've finished my first week of training at work. It seems to be going slow and I feel like I can learn more. There's 20 of us so maybe if it were a smaller group, we'd be progressing faster.
I sat with some people from my class during lunch and this one girl was going on about her boyfriend again. I was with her the other day and she spent all her time discussing her boyfriend because they plan on getting married. She seems like a nice girl. She's only 23 so I think back to when I was 23 (which really is only 3 years ago) so that I can better understand where she's coming from. Some of the girls in the class are around 22 or 23, some of the woman are over 30 and married with children and probably 2-3 or us are single and over 25 (which is where I fit in). We only have 2 guys, one who is 30 and married and the other 22.
This girl mentioned how her boyfriend puts her down and as soon as I heard that, a red flag goes up in my head. At the table is a married woman with a child (I'll call them MWC for short) and another 22 year old girl. So the MWC, a nice lady seems sweet, is giving advice to this girl. The 22 year old girl talks about her boyfriend and how sometimes they will yell and argue with each other - outdoors, while one is on one side of the street while the other is on the opposite.
Holy begeezers batman talk about dysfunctional relationships. It's just not healthy to be relating to someone like that. Yelling at each other on the street, at 3 am? Putting someone down?
Relationships are funny though.
I'm contemplating on whether I should completely withdraw myself from 'the dating scene'. I have a lot of things I want to learn and do, a lot of personal work that I am doing and I frankly just don't have the patience to invest my time meeting someone new wondering if this relationship is going to go anywhere.
I understand the idea life is a journey and a process but sometimes I just want to hurry it up and get everything done. Maybe it's because I'm from the instant gratification generation. I was more impatient when I was younger.
Being single sucks. I don't have a problem spending time by myself because I enjoy my company. Being single sucks when you want someone but can't find anyone suitable!
I'm not someone who likes to bitch and moan about stuff like this. After all, being alone, in the grand scheme of things, is not such a bad thing. I have my health, I live in a peaceful country, my home life is stable.
It sucks though.
I usually like to imagine myself in the future and using timelines to help me gain some perspective on events. A week feels like a month to me so I'll do a mental timeline. Here's an example: If I think about when I'm say 35, let's assume I find the right person when I'm 30. So that would mean I would be alone or dating freaks for 4 years but in the end everything works out. I as the 35 year see how unnecessary it is to get worked up over being single because dating freaks and being single for 4 years is not so bad. And since everything works out, what is the point of getting upset.
See using timelines is good for maintaining equanimity!
I feel better when I utilize timeline exercises like that, because I'm not really objective about time and doing them gives me some objectivity.

I'm Becoming a Corporate Drone

Greetings and Salutations Fellow Trapped and Unfree Humanoids,

I began my new job this week. I don't want to be giving out too much information as it is too early for me to piss people off there. I will have plenty of time to do that later!
Anyways, we have 4 weeks of training and I feel I am getting used to the corporate environment and the company. I've spent most of my life as a temp and have had a few actual jobs. About 3 I believe, one of which was a 4 month contract position.
I've spent much of my early working years not tied to a company and it enabled me to witness the work environment and the general unhappiness that goes on in companies.
Now I am actually part of a corporate environment and actually need to show some concern about my environment and what's going on.
I can no longer just be a witness.
I'm learning the corporate policies and the corporate slogans. I'm having to listen to those quaint expressions companies use to motivate their employees.
Not only that but I get pictorial representations of their values!
By golly geepers aren't pictures just so pretty? And they are so much easier on the brain.

I'm not knocking the company.
Honestly it seems... I don't want to call it cool because well...
It's a company!
It's a corporation!
I don't want to become one of those people who go on and on about how they love their company and how their company saves lives, helps people and makes a difference in their lives.

Anyways, I've previously mentioned that it's an office and that I'm used to working in factories or warehouses and about how office people seem so much different from factory people. If you haven't read it, read it!
Anytime I meet someone in management - even if it was a factory, or an office worker, I always wonder what they are really like outside of work. Are they really angry people when they get home? Are they wife/husband beaters?
I think maybe I read into these things too much. Maybe they are just really boring and just go home eat watch tv and read porn.

We met most of the main management staff on our first day and I was amused by this one woman who spoke for about 7 minutes with us. She would speak and then smile. Speak and smile. Speak and smile.
It creeped me out a bit. It seemed so unnatural. I'm sure she's a nice person though.

I was getting horny in class as well today. The beginning of this week, was somewhat stressful for me since I was meeting a bunch of people and being dumped with information. It was around the middle of the day, around 1 or 11 when I was getting horny.
Some people might think it's fun to get horny at work, but it's not.
My vagina just screams out to me how it feels empty and wants a dick inside it. And I can't do anything about it while at work.
I can think about it, but I can't actually do anything about it.

Well I'm sure I won't become corporatefied.
I will maintain my individuality.

Thank you for visiting Lucid I - random thoughts from a Canadian. Smile.
It was a pleasure amusing you. Smile
Please come again! Smile.
Pull out gun.
Smile.

The Boot

I've been without internet since Tuesday as I had a friend, who is simply known as "My Beloved Compatriot" fix the battery charger for my laptop. So I have had internet access since last night.
I don't know what's worse.
A week without internet or a week without sex?

I have taken a week off from working as I start my new job this Monday. I have been temping since June or July. I didn't call in available for this week but they put me on the availability list anyways. They called me twice after I even told them that I start a new job. They wanted me to work nights as well. Like I don't work nights, what makes you think I'd suddenly accept them? I've worked nights years ago and it was too physically draining for me.
Oh well.
I don't really know what to expect with this new job. My friend from high school works there and she says she enjoys it. I hope I do as well, but you just never know what's going to happen. You never really know what an employer will do.

I was a bit sick yesterday and today I was feeling worse. I basically slept most of my afternoon. I now have enough strength to ask people for sympathy.
Ahem... sympathy please...

I hate being sick but it's also an enjoyable feeling as well. Not like, you know having an orgasm enjoyable. I think the soul appreciates all experiences of life, even if they are 'negative'. I know it sounds strange. Being sick is a process of life and any process of life deserves respect.

I'm so helpless when I'm sick. I don't have the energy to do anything. I just like wallowing in my own misery in my bed.

Anyways, my post is entitled the boot because last Saturday, the guy I was seeing gave me the boot. Oh well. It sucks getting the boot. Even if you've only gone out twice and chatted on the phone several times.
At least I learned from him how to mute my guitar strings. I've gotten some guitar tabs and sometimes they place an x on a string and that means you don't play it. So in one of my guitar chords books, it features an x on the second or third string and I just didn't get how you can not not play a string that's in the middle. I can understand not playing the first or the last string but how you can strum and avoid a string in the middle? It boggled my workin' class mind! So I asked the guy I was seeing as he plays guitar as well, how to play a chord like that. So now I know.
I can at least take that positive experience from seeing him...

Speaking of guitars, I went yesterday to Costco with my mother in Burlington and they had an electric guitar with an amp and I was playing with it for a while.
That's right cocksuckers I was rocking out amongst Burlington pussy.
I am the sole individual who made the Costco in Burlington significantly less uptight and more rocked out!
Woooooo doggy!
We're farming now!

I went shopping as well and got a neat black hat with a skull on it. I normally don't like those types of clothes, you know the ones with weird things like skulls, but I thought it was cool. Plus the eye sockets are shaped like hearts.

And in anthroposophical news...
I finished reading Social Issues a week ago I think. I might talk about it later because I feel quite tired. One quote I found was quite interesting and it was related to medical science.
I started reading World Economy as well. It's got 14 lectures. His style is interesting. He's presenting such expansive concepts and what he talks about in the beginning of his lecture cycle, doesn't start making sense until the end. I've finished lecture 4. I read this book about 5 years ago. I think it's important to really understand what economic science is about and really grasp the concepts of what is an economy. Accurate observation and the formation of precise concepts and ideas are things you train when you get into and make an effort to understand his work. Well life in general teaches you this, however, anthroposophy accelerates this task.

Where's the Rhythm?

My life feels so rhythmless now. I want some routine in my life. I do have some routine. I'm going to be starting a new job on the 21st and I'm going to take a week off. I've been doing temp work and so my schedule is unpredictable. I have a somewhat high tolerance for unpredictability but I long for routine and order.
My 2 current 40 day mantra meditation disciplines are going well. I am experiencing emotional purging. I choose to not share my experiences at this point as I am still in the middle of the process.
I have also added on another 40 day mantra discipline and I started on Sunday. It is for my eyes. I thought I'd have to do 2 mantras, but I only have to do one as the other was for blindness (I believe literal blindness, not metaphorically).
I have been working on improving my vision for over a year. I have done lots of research and experimenting and I know that it is possible for me to strengthen my eyes. I have actually managed to improve my vision in the beginning of this year by .5 diopter in both eyes. I do not wear a full prescription as well. I wear 20/40 or is it 40/20? prescription most of the time. I wear an even weaker prescription when reading or at home. I found when I wore my full prescription, it was a stress on my eyes. My eyes and the area around my eyes hold such a great deal of tension. I do massage around my eyes but the tension is so stubborn. I do eye stretches and circular rotations and sometimes do zooming near/far exercises.
I've tried a hypnosis program for vision improvement and a few days afterwards I had a dream where I could see clearly. I think that program has helped my mind learn how to see because there was a nice session where you visualize yourself being able to see like an eagle and seeing precise details from a distance.
I tried another hypnosis session. It tackled the vision problem from another angle and so after listening to it like once or twice, I also had a dream where I could see clearly.
Like these dreams were specifically about me being able to see clearly. I believe many health disorders have a psychological component to them as well. So I think healing oneself emotionally can have a vast affect on the health of the individual.
I started learning qigong this April and learned about an eye qiqong workshop. I took one in Toronto and most of the exercises we learned was stuff I already knew. The instructor was a Qigong Master and so he knew how to send out qi (or chi) to people to help them.
That night I had a dream where I was able to see clearly.
For a few weeks I would palm my eyes and I talk to them silently, letting them know they are safe and loved.

This whole process has been so long but I believe my glasses are a crutch for me. I've had too many dreams where I can see clearly so I know my subconscious knows it's possible. Even last month I had a dream that I was able to see clearly and I wasn't doing anything new or what not. I was able to produce that dream out of my own inner volition.
I don't want to get laser eye surgery because I think that's the lazy man's way to a solution.
My whole philosophy in life is to get to the core of problems, to explore issues deeply.
I don't settle for simple and superficial bandaid solutions.

My eyes are my last defense system.
I just need the right exercise to tip the scales and break down the resistance.
So this is where I think my mantra discipline fits in. In the first few minutes I used it, I was crying. I don't understand the science of how mantras work but I definitely believe using sound, particularly your own voice, can create change in oneself.
I'm scared though but I can see the bigger picture and that vision I can see is much more powerful then my fear. This vision I have is what keeps me going.
All I can do is surrender.

Notch

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Save me from the furniture

My parents are homebodies. They just spent some of their inheritance money on furniture like a sofa and one of those television cabinets. The problem is there is enough clutter and excessive furniture in the house. My grandfather passed away this year and my granny moved into a retirement home so we got some of her furniture. We got their dresser from their bedroom and other useless nitnacks like fridge magnets and dishes and towels. My parents have our old sofa out in the garage and we now have a tv cabinet in our kitchen.
I told my mother we have more furniture in our house than a furniture store.
I told my mother that they need to get rid of stuff and simplify. I reminded her that when they die, that I don't want to be the one to have to clean up and get rid of their excessive - and useless I might add - possessions. She knows what a pain in the ass it is to deal with people's stuff when they die.
I often use death as a motivator in my life.
When I was in high school, I had a crush on this guy who was 2 years older then me (I was in grade 11). Our school had some event where we could send roses to people for Valentines Day. There were 3 colours, one for love, one for friendship and one for a crush. So I had one sent to my crush and for months I wanted to ask him out or talk to him or something but I was too scared. Soon June arrived and since he was in grade 13, I figure I have to tell him that I sent him the rose because I'll never see him again. I passed his locker and chickened out but I saw one of my friends in the hallway and told her I wanted to tell him and I received enough confidence to go up to him to tell him.
My god he was tall and hot.
So I went up to him and my hands are shaking and my palms are sweating and my voice is shaking and I'm extremely nervous.
He asks me why am I shaking.
I was too focused on what I needed to say and so I told him it was me that sent him that rose. He asked me which way I was going. Although I figured out before where he goes for his classes and I knew which class he had and where it was, I actually responded that I was going upstairs, in the opposite direction he normally goes.
It took me a while to realize afterwards that that was his way of being friendly and maybe something could have happened between us.
What motivated me to tell him that I had a crush on him?
It was because I thought that I don't want to let fear keep me from living.
The teenage years are an intense period.
The thought of possibly dying without telling this guy whom I had a huge crush on and whom I so adored was too painful. He consumed my thoughts during school and after school. So this is how death motivated me.
Death still motivates me today.
I don't want to waste my time getting angry over things or being fearful of things that never happen.
I don't want to die with unfinished business.