Good Bye Sally

Greetings all,

This afternoon the family cat Sally has died. She was about 2 months shy of being 20. We knew her time was coming to an end. I wasn't planning on visiting my family in Hamilton this weekend because I had things planned as I had a yoga workshop and planned to study but my mother told me that Sally didn't eat today or last night and I knew that meant she didn't have much time to live. I took the bus to Hamilton and I saw that she was lying down but she looked exhausted and like she was dying. I started to cry and lay down beside her, holding her front paws. I spent some time with her and we thought she died for a moment but then I noticed she was still breathing but she didn't have much energy and her eyes weren't really focused. She also was twitching a lot.

I placed her on my chest because I wanted to hold her one last time. I went to lay on my parent's bed and let her lie on me. I told her how much I loved her and what she brought to the family with her sweetness and presence and how much she meant to me. I continued to hold her and then she stretched and looked at me. I was a little freaked out by her sudden movement. I had my mother pick her up and we placed her back in her box. After about 3 hours of my being there, she passed away. I am very sad and will miss her presence. I love you Sally and you are my fur angel.

I'm going to miss kissing her and holding her and smelling the outside of her ears. Rest in peace my angel!

Blurred Feminism

Greetings all,

A few weeks ago a friend in real life who is a friend on Facebook seemed to be really upset about facebook and people commenting on stuff. One thing this person was upset about was people reacting to the song Blurred Lines. He declared his love of the song and then posted the video. I tend to be opinionated on things and politely articulated that this video was sexist. While the lyrics are not about rape as many women seem to think it is about, the uncensored video involves the women being fully naked while the men are dressed in suits.

I've been a bit more interested in female issues over the year and am calling myself more a feminist. To be exact I call myself a Cock-loving feminist because people seem to think feminists hate men, which is certainly not true for me and most other feminists as I joined last year a Meetup group for feminists and we usually are talking about issues, not man bashing which is utterly unproductive.

So back to this video. It is a very sexist video because the women are naked and the men are not. I mean, clearly it's about the man being dominant. If everyone was naked, then it would not be sexist but it's sexist because the women are prancing around naked. My friend is one of those people where on facebook everybody praises him constantly and I think for him, hearing the truth was not something he wanted.

He reacted rather dramatically about it and for me, I am not one to be rude about expressing my opinions. I do try to be diplomatic. I did feel that if you don't want people to comment on what you post, then don't share things on facebook. To me facebook is about sharing stuff and part of sharing stuff means hearing opinions of people that you may not agree with.

For example, I posted how I thought it was gross that Patrick Stewart is engaged to a woman half his age. I think she is probably using him on some level because most 35 year old women (like me) would never want to marry a 70 year old man unless we had intentions of getting his money. Seriously no normal woman would date a man that old and I could care less if he was Patrick Stewart. Women like that are gold diggers. Many people disagreed with me but I didn't throw a hissy fit over it. I accept that people have different opinions. I have only removed one friend because his differing opinions was rude and disrespectful towards me (I removed him about a few years ago well before this recent Patrick Steward comment. This was a regular pattern of his and I had enough. Had he been more polite, I would have not removed him. He was just too antagonizing towards me and has anger issues). I certainly do not want to upset my friends and that is usually why I try to be diplomatic on my opinions.

This stuff all happened when the Music awards came out. People can get so reactive to things. I really don't understand why women think that song was about rape. I read the lyrics and the only explicit line was about "tearing your ass in two". Overall I felt this song was about a really horny guy and that quote was really him expressing his interest in anal sex. It had nothing to do with rape. Unless he sang "I'm going to fuck you against your will and fuck you even though you are fighting back and shouting no", then yes I would say he's singing about rape.

Sometimes I can't believe how reactive people are. I guess people are projecting their own sexual issues onto this song which is the perfect scapegoat.

I really wish my friend would have acknowledged that yes the video is sexist. You can still enjoy the song but to not acknowledge that the video is degrading to women and is sexist is disrespectful. This person is a minority as he is gay and so if the situation were reversed, i.e. a bubbly song that had a hateful message to gay people, I think many people would not support the song.

This basically goes back to something I have read about namely how Feminism is not a respected movement in comparison to liberating other minorities like gays, racial issues, etc. It's not okay to support things that put women down and basically show them as sex objects. I think most of all that was sad was that someone who belonged to a marginalized group was partaking in this marginalization of women. If your part of a sub culture that was abused and invalidated, it's not right to promote the abuse and invalidation of other equally marginalized groups like Women.

Head Stand

Greetings all,

I did a workshop a couple of weeks ago at the Sivananda centre by my place as I am on their email list. I don't regularly practice their yoga style as I tend to do kundalini yoga but they did offer a one hour workshop on doing headstand and that was one of the few postures in yoga that I have not mastered but want to. The other ones are crow, scorpion, peacock and hand stand.

Half of being able to master the pose is having enough strength and a solid base. The other half is mental. Fortunately the amount of strength required isn't too intense. If you can do dolphin pose, then you should have enough strength to master this.

When I was first doing it, it just made me laugh. The posture is just funny to be in, at least it was for me. It took a couple of tries and I was able to do it. One of the instructors was lightly holding my legs.

I was glad that I went to this because head stand is definitely the type of posture that requires having an experienced teacher showing you the proper mechanics, otherwise it could be dangerous.

I tried it a few days later and got myself into half head stand. I was okay with that and didn't want to push myself. I tried again today outside at my parent's house and did a few times just being in half head stand. They said it's good to just stay comfortable in half head stand because from there, getting the legs up is easy. I really wanted to feel this feeling of being upside down in this position so I did allow myself the chance to relax in it.

Eventually I decided to lift my legs up and I was able to hold it for a minute or 2. I am not coming down totally with control. A couple of times I had partial control. That's key too; to be able to come down with the same grace and control as when you go up. I'm really pleased I was able to do it on my own today. It's a sign to me that I'm becoming a yogini. I mean, I always was but this is one of the major poses to be able to do and it really isn't hard. It just requires some patience

I think I will continue to practice this and really get comfortable with it. It's truly an experience to support yourself on your elbows and have your feet suspended. It's different then say lying on your back and lifting your feet up.

Finding Dimes

Greetings all,

Today I found a dime when I went to reschedule an appointment with the school counseling services (more for managing my seasonal affective disorder). I found one a couple of days ago and one on Sunday so this week alone I've found 3 dimes. I also found one or two during the past few weeks so I'm starting to wonder if it's someone from the spiritual world trying to hint that they are with me. I don't know, but it's starting to seem more then just a coincidence since I normally don't find dimes. I hope they start dropping larger denominations like toonies or even $5.

My Bound Lotus Practice

Greetings all,

My Bound Lotus (BL) practice has been going okay. I started it on May 13 and may do a 1000 day discipline. I've done 40 day, 90 day and 120 day disciplines many times but never a 1000 day. There's no intermediary discipline, although I probably could aim for 500. If I do decide to do 1000 days, I'll probably finish it by the time I graduate school so maybe this practice will guide me through my math and stats courses.

I've been purging and clearing a lot of stuff emotionally. The emotional theme that I seem to be constantly going through is that of feeling my heart break. I'm not even sure what it's about, just that I feel so much pain that it breaks my heart.

I'm experiencing deep sadness so I guess it's good that it is being cleared but I am a little frustrated because I do not know the source of my heart break. Is it past life traumas coming up to surface? I've cleared a lot with my Sat Kriya and Gan Pattee practice so wonder why it seems I have so much to purge.

Last night was a bit different because I started to feel anger. So far I haven't really felt anger in this meditation. I felt angry towards god and I felt abandoned by god. Now I'm agnostic so I am not a believer or disbeliever in god. I'm just not sure if a god is real. I don't feel I've had enough experiences to indicate there is a god. Based on my own experiences, I would guess there isn't a god but I choose to be Agnostic, because hey who knows if there is.

I've felt this way before, namely feeling abandoned by god and it is heart breaking. If God was real, shouldn't he be there for you? I felt abandoned because I feel I have been a good person in this life and all that I experience is pain and suffering. I want a normal life. I want a comfortable life, not one always filled with pain. I want good friends, not ones that turn on me and hurt me. I want a good boyfriend who will become my husband in time so that we can have a family. I don't want someone that isn't loyal to me and would rather spend time with other women. I want a good job instead of always being laid off and I want to make more money and have time to travel.

I just don't feel this life has been easy for me whereas for others it seems everything comes easy. They are no better then me. Here I am doing my spiritual practice and trying to be a good person and yet I get no reward for it. It is painful. My life has been very difficult and painful and people just invalidate my pain. You haven't walked in my shoes, you don't feel what I feel. You don't know what I've been through emotionally.

I'm not sure what to make of this feeling abandoned or the constant feeling of my heart breaking but I will just have to continue with my practice. Others on a facebook group has commented on how BL makes them feel strong but I am not at that point. I feel very weak and also very heart broken. Hopefully BL can help me heal things quickly because I would like to feel clear and happy again.

A Moment of Enlightenment

Greetings all,

I was reading a blog that was commenting on an article about how we are not the same person entitled, You Won't Stay the Same. The blog that directed me to this is a dating/relationship advice blog that I regularly read. Basically when we look back on our lives, we don't know as much as we think we do until we gain more experience. For example, I can't relate to who I was when I was 28. This person is different from who I am now, not as mature and still learning. This was one of the subjects that I've been mulling over for some time, namely because it seems like we are always changing. I feel I've changed a lot due to my kundalini yoga and meditation practice and I have wondered how can I ever find the right person if I am always changing?

Since I've been doing KY for about 5 years, I've really grown and I was leaving a few responses on the blog about my own KY experience and then I realized that it's not so much we change, but what changes is our perception. There is a self that never changes and I think what confused me was I was thinking because my perceptions are changing, it means I am but that's not the reality. It's just my perceptions are changing. I think my current Bound Lotus practice might have had something to do with this insight but it is also something I heard in Sat Nam Rasayan workshops and BL is using the same principles of SNR so that made me feel really enlightened today. SNR talks about how we have to accept all perceptions and that none is better then another. We are always reacting rather then observing our reactions and responding from a neutral place.

This whole insight made my day. It's not me that is changing. It's just my perceptions. I'm still the same person but it's my perceptions that are changing, evolving and being refined. It's a grounding, centered thought.

Team Atheist

Greetings all,

I decided I will be an atheist. For a week or two. Just to see as an experiment. I wrote back in December last year how I thought about becoming an atheist. As an anthroposophist(spiritual philosophy), it's a bit of a 'taboo' to not believe in god since much of anthroposophy discusses spiritual beings and I have read a lot about this subject and not just the spiritual parts as Steiner talks about other things not just spiritual beings.

I decided, why not? Let's try not believing in god for a while. It's not going to hurt. I think maybe I was afraid to go down that route but why not try as an experiment? So we'll see how it goes.

Fuck you god! Not that it matters since you're not real anyways!

Bound Lotus

Greetings all,

I started working since last week I think with the Bound Lotus meditation. I've worked with it before but could never really get into it. I still enjoy doing my Sat Kriya and Gan Pattee Kriya but those involve chanting and Bound Lotus basically involves no chanting. I just feel like I want to sit and do nothing. I've done other silent meditation but in Bound Lotus the goal is to wrap yourself in full lotus and have your hands behind your back, grabbing your toes while you bend forward.

It looks like this:


I'm not officially doing a 40 day discipline but I probably should. In the beginning, I felt like it was supporting me and I really enjoy bowing my head. Bowing the head is good for surrendering but also for feeling a sense of humility, which is a quality I feel our society is sorely lacking.

Spirit Voyage did a Global Sadhana a few years ago so you can learn more here

This is a good meditation for Sat Nam Rasayan practitioners such as myself since it helps get us to a state of stillness. Right now I am doing it in half lotus and can just grab my elbows but it's an interesting sensation and maybe it'll help me more in life.

Moving

Greetings all,

I was apartment hunting and found a place. It's pretty hard to find something decent in Toronto. The vacancy rate is about 2%. I will be within walking distance to my school and I will be living in the trendy neighborhood known as The Annex and not the up-and-coming-ghetto known as Parkdale.

I was looking for shared accommodation since it's a bit cheaper then getting a 1 bedroom. I will be moving into a house. I was looking at a few places last year and in the beginning of this year but didn't really find anything that I liked. I looked at one earlier this year before my semester started that was by the school but the room was super tiny and would not work for me.

I looked at a few places last year but they mostly were slightly too far. Still within walking distance but more like the walking would be 40 minutes. Not bad and something I could manage but since it was still early, I decided to keep on looking.

Last week I looked at a place and the woman was a therapist. She talked like one and I think for me, it would drive me batty to be living somewhere where I always have to talk about my feelings and dialogue. I'm a doer damn it, sometimes I just don't want to talk and want to get things done! I already had my reservations about the place going in because she had a few other tenants and they all participated in this shared cooking arrangement where you cook one meal a week for everyone and so does everyone else. I think 4 people would be in the house so you would have to cook for yourself 3 nights of the week. It's not too bad sounding and she seemed flexible about the arrangement but I think for me, it may not work and may feel too stifling. I am a very fussy eater and I wouldn't want to burden someone else with my weird food quirks and basically limit what they prepare for me since there are so many foods I don't like to eat. They did have someone in the house who had to eat gluten free but I think my level of fussiness surpasses that.

The room ended up being too small for my liking and was basically smaller then my old room. And that room was pretty small to begin with!

I am glad that I don't live in my old apartment as I was having issues with roaches and that's always a drag to have to live in. I guess I could have moved and put effort into finding a new place as I was there for 3 years but I hate moving and I at least knew my place was in my budget. I really think if I had a better job, I'd be able to have a better life and be willing to spend more but I remember reading that your housing costs should be 1/3 of your income but it never has been in my case. It usually ends up being 50% of my living costs.

The thing with living with the roaches was that it wasn't horribly bad. It seemed worse in the summer because they would probably hide in the winter in the walls. I would use my own baits. I would use orange juice with a bit of dish washer fluid. I also used boric acid with peanut butter.

The super would get someone to come in to use some special dusting to get rid of them. It would help but because it wasn't done regularly, after 3 months you would start seeing more.
The person who lived above me who is no longer there said he had roaches too but the super lived a few rooms down from him and said she had no problems. I wonder if she was just lying because her room wasn't that far away. My building was a small one and only had 3 floors and a basement so I think it was possible that the whole building probably was infested.

It made me feel very shameful to have to live with that. It wasn't always bad as there were times when I wouldn't see any for about 4 days and then I would see 3-5 in one day. I think when I first moved in, I didn't see a problem for about 3 months. I think the place probably got sprayed about 3 times in the entire 3 years I was there. I think it made me paranoid.

I hope my new place doesn't have any. I would Bed Bug Registry to check out places to make sure they didn't have pest issues. Unfortunately when I was looking online at apartments, I did notice according to that site that some places had a pest issue as people also list roaches and not just bed bugs. It certainly was a handy resource because it would save me the time from visiting places that have this problem.

I think the probability of having roaches is pretty slim in a house, although I had one friend tell me his parents had them in their home because of their neighbor. I didn't notice any reports for my new place. I guess it's possible but I am hoping there isn't. I didn't notice anything particular.

My room is a fairly decent sized room. I will have to leave my kitchen table at my parents because it has a kitchen already. There is no living room but I did look at another place in a nearby neighborhood had also didn't have a living room. This place was better since the room was bigger. It would have been nice to have a living room but I didn't want to risk not being able to find a place for the fall since I am planning on going to school full time and didn't want to commute every day from Hamilton.

Sally

Greetings all,

Who is Sally? Sally is the love of my life. We met over 19 years ago at the Hamilton SPCA and it was love at first sight. We made her part of our family and I have been in love with her every day ever since. She is the cat of my dreams and now that I am back with my parents I am back to my old ways of going on about how beautiful and gorgeous she is.

Now that she is 19 years old, I have noticed a change in her personality. She is super skinny. The vet thinks she has some illness. She weighs 6 pounds and still eats. She seems grumpier now and when I pick her up to give her some love, I can sometimes hear her bones crack.

She has also become the family beggar as my mother has been feeding her their food more often so now she spends a lot of time sitting in the kitchen. She gets tuna, steak, mortadella and sometimes chicken. She is by far the most cutest beggar I have ever seen because she will just sit politely and wait for her food. No meowing, just quiet politeness. We could all learn from her patience and grace.

I've been letting her go outside now since the weather is warmer and because of the sun. She doesn't go very far like she used to and walks around really slowly. She still likes to roll around on the patio so it's nice to see her have a moment of being playful since she seems more grumpy.

Sally also needs her nightly cuddle time with my brother and she lies on top of him every night while he watches tv. I will come home and see them two together. On the one hand it looks sweet, but this is how my brother spends every night of his life and I feel more pity for him if anything. He uses the cat as an excuse but I think Sally could survive if she didn't get her cuddle time.

She also cries a lot in the morning. She might be lonely or hungry but she never used to cry. She cries at like 6 in the morning, waking us all up. At first when I heard her cry in the morning when I first moved back, it worried me but now I just know she does it for some reason unknown to us and it doesn't mean she is in danger.

It's been quite an experience watching my own cat age. She is now a senior and her glory days are behind her. But she's still beautiful to me.

Separate Bills

Greetings all,

I did a meetup recently where we went out for ramen, which is basically Japanese soup. I found one place online that was fairly new in the city and from the review looked like a cool place. We had a good time but when I asked for separate bills in the beginning they said they didn't do that. There was 9 of us so by the time the bill came, it was a nightmare calculating it because it took so long and people had to wait until others were done calculating their amount. It almost worked out but we were short $10 and we figured because one guy who just stepped out to pay his parking was probably short because he didn't factor in the taxes for his alcohol.

I think I felt embarrassed because I want things to go smoothly and I think everyone was enjoying themselves but then we have to deal with the stress of figuring out what we owe. It took away from the experience in my eyes. We went to a bakery nearby where we had coffee and we got to pay separately so the night ended on a positive note.

I thought about what I could do as an organizer and thought should I be calculating people's bills separately? I will be the one responsible if there is a shortage and I have to take charge since it's my group. I talked about it with a friend and it seems other organizer just don't go to restaurants where they do not do separate billing. I think I will do that from now on. The bill is definitely the finishing touch on the night and if it is stressful, it ruins the night and people do feel resentful if they pay extra, even if it is a small amount. I do not want to fund someone's fun, especially if I don't have much money to begin with and also don't order a lot.

As far as I am concerned, I am sick of these restaurants that don't do separate billing. To me it's part of the experience of dining out and to have the customer have to figure out what they owe just makes it stressful when they should be the one doing the heavy lifting.

Restaurant owner and wait staff, hear out this message. You are here to serve your customers and give them the best dining experience. Your job is to make our lives easier. That is why we come out to eat at your establishment. If you choose to not do separate billing, people like me will no longer want to dine at your establishment. You are in the service industry so provide a service and do not do a half assed job. Being able to get separate checks is part of the service that we receive at your restaurant and wanting separate bills is really not an unreasonable request.

Thanks!

Project Blonde

Greetings all,

For the past few years I have been wanting be blonde. I never really did much with my hair, namely for 2 reasons. The first being the cost and the second being the regular maintenance of getting your hair done, which basically boils down to cost. I decided this year that my goal will be to get my hair blonde.

Now I have really dark brown hair so I went to my hairdresser and told her that I wanted to look like a natural blonde. I contemplated doing my hair by myself at home but I didn't want to risk it in case I did a bad job at it. My hairdresser had to do foils twice on my head. I went in January and then again in March. I thought the process was strange because she didn't bleach my whole hair because when I got home, I noticed I still had a lot of dark hair left. I don't know what the standard procedure was for making a brunette a blonde, but foils are basically the process of highlighting the hair and this wasn't quite the look I was going for.

So today I decided to go to one of those Hairdressing schools because they offer hair services at a discount because students are working on your hair. I told them what I wanted and I was there for over 3 hours because they were basically sifting through my hair, weaving out the dark hair pieces and highlighting them. I was so bored but the 2 girls working on my hair didn't really talk to me. I am a fan of Tabatha's Salon Takeover and they basically did a terrible job in the Customer Service department because I basically felt ignored and it would have been nice if they made some conversation with me but they seemed more focused on doing the work. That's great and all but part of being a hair dresser is also being able to converse with the client.

At the end, the one girl was taking forever to blow dry my hair and by that point I was starting to get antsy because I didn't have lunch and I just wanted to get out there and eat. The irony is that it was raining outside and I didn't have an umbrella so my hair got a bit wet from the rain.

The other students there seemed like idiots half the time. At one point this girl next to us was gossiping about how she is no longer friends with some people but was cussing about them and saying how she wanted to punch them out. Most of the students also didn't seem very busy. Some had clients but if you didn't have a client, you had a mannequin's head to work on and I saw a lot of them just standing around doing a whole lot of nothing. I wanted to go Tabatha on their asses but I was not impressed with the students. Where was their passion for their job?

I did wonder if I was better off doing my hair by myself because it just seemed like it took forever to finally have my hair light enough where I could pass as a blonde. I do wonder if my hairdresser was doing the job properly.

I do like my hair though and I think it makes my brown eyes pop out more. Now my other goal for this year is to get a motorcycle license so I can drive a scooter.

Finding the Right Man

Greetings all,

I also like to read Evan Marc Katz's blog and one of his recent entries was on why he does his blog. He said his advice usually falls into one of two cateogories:
1. Dump him
2. Accept him

He was commenting that women love the 'dump him' advice but tend to have a hard time dealing with the accepting part. I think for me, I probably feel the same way. It is easier to just dump someone but obviously in real life we learn to accept people in situations that we don't control. If I am at work and have a coworker that is annoying but the rest are great, I learn to accept them because finding a job might be harder.

I think for me at least I still feel like I have tried to accept a man and 'make it work' but sometimes it's too much work and not worth it because I don't see him making the effort. I know for me I am not going to put effort into something if I don't see the other is doing the same.

I think for me that is why I am more then happy to dump someone but I think it's a simple way to treat men you date or are in relationship with. Accept or Dump.

It's certainly seems like a fine line between when to accept someone and when to dump them. I've had a couple of guys I was involved with that I thought could be the right man for me but that didn't work out so it does make me question myself and what I think I know. I always thought I would know if I am with the right man but now I don't know how I would know.

I think with my last boyfriend, I had a hard time accepting the fact that he looks older. I am in my mid 30s and he was only 12 years older but he had all white hair (like Steve Martin) but was only 12 years my senior (same age as my oldest brother). I found him attractive but a part of me had a hard time with it because I look like I am in my mid 20s and he in his 50s as a result of the white hair and I felt self conscious that others would think he was a sugar daddy or that there was a bigger age gap then there was. So kissing him in public was not something I was comfortable with. If he looked younger, I probably would be more affectionate in public.

I didn't dump him for that but that was something that was hard for me to accept. Maybe it played a bigger role in me ending things that I may not be aware of but I know for me I wanted to get married and have children and not sure if he wanted to go through with that since he had been married and has a son whom was very aloof towards me and also made me feel like he didn't like me.

While I agree with the Accept or Dump mentality, I do feel some things are just not so easy to accept and not so easy to reject. I think these shades of grey area are what causes problems for women and men in general. I guess we have to really focus on how we feel and what is important because we either have to find the strength to move on or have the openness to let go and accept.

Greetings all,

My semester is almost over and I have one week left of school and then exams. It has been a challenge figuring out calculus but basically this was all to learn about calculus. The 2nd year of calculus, which I will have to take if I want to get into statistics is multivariable calculus so basically the same thing but with multivariables. I wonder how much harder it could be. Calculus doesn't seem so bad now that I am almost finished with it but it still isn't something I grasped easily. I hope I can pass my course and need to do well on the final exam. My first 2 tests I did not do well but I continued on because I was doing well on the assignments. I did better test wise this semester (this is a 2 semester course) but not doing as well I want to be doing. I have had to use the math aid centre a lot because I needed so much tutoring and that was probably why I did better on the assignments since I had more help.

* * *I heard about 2 weeks ago from the Introvert group from the infamously lame Vice President. He was going to have a dinner party for his girlfriend's birthday but I did not want to go. Here I am moving on with my life and then I have to deal with these idiots trying to weed their way back into my life but without actually having to do anything to rectify what they did wrong. I kept getting emails from others since they were replying all and I sent an email saying
"I'm sure this was sent in error but I no longer want to receive any private introvert invites especially since I am so emotionally unstable and prone to brainwashing. :)"

I sent an email the following day explaining I appreciate the gesture but that I could never hang out with these people again, especially since Bishop thought I was emotionally unstable for having my opinion and Aimee thinks I am brainwashing Michelle for speaking out on my behalf. Like why would I want to hang out with people that think this way about me? One of the regulars in the introvert group doesn't like her picture posted but no one makes her feel bad about her opinion. Why is it okay to put me down? It certainly isn't okay in my book.

Then this morning I see Wannabe Chairman's son sends me a facebook request. At first I thought it was sweet and almost touching but then I got suspicious. I emailed Wannabe about it as I wondered if he encouraged him or something. The only way to find me is by searching my email address. It was a little odd but in the end he told me not to accept it so I rejected his friend request. I have nothing against the son but what would I say to him? I don't want to be your friend because your Daddy is an asshole?

Ironically I was tempted the day before I got a facebook request from his son to email him because as an ex-boyfriend of mine, I did miss him a little but then I realized that if I contact him, it's like I'm allowing his actions. These guys are the ones who need to grow up, drop their titles and apologize. Simply apologizing isn't or wasn't enough. I have to stick to my principles and morals and thankfully I restrained myself. Unfortunately I was put into a situation where I had to contact him because of his son's facebook request but at least I am over the situation.

I know someone out there is googling my name with the word blog so obviously someone out there wants to read my blog. If it's one of you lame introverts, all I can say grow up already.

* * *I did a projection of how big my group will get and it looks like my group won't hit 1000 until March 2014. By the end of this year it will hit 800. I have a theory that groups grow at a faster rate once they hit 1000. I think people join groups that are popular simply because of the size. I think once my group gets that big, people will join it just because it's popular. So many people joined the introvert group because it was busy. Many of them aren't introverts or even care it's for introverts.

I realized after a meetup I did on Saturday that my numbers may not surpass that group and I was okay with that. I guess I don't need to feel in competition with them and I just need to focus on having a good time in my group.

I am also really glad I got rid of that high maintenance member. There is an organizer group on meetup for organizers and I posted my situation there so now other organizers know. He is not in many groups and one guy has him in his but since the group has older members, he doesn't seem to be much trouble there. Hopefully he won't get himself kicked out of anymore but it's not like it's my fault because he did this to himself.

My 3 month anniversary of my group is on April 13th and I had scheduled a long time ago a pub night so I think by that point I will have 200 members. I think my group is doing well. I want it to get larger. It's been a challenge doing it on my own but I hope to have people who want to be event organizers so that I don't always have to do things.

Global Sadhana - Open to Love

Greetings all,

I've done a few of Spirit Voyage's Global Sadhanas. They seem to be on a trend lately to do 11 day sadhanas rather then the typical 40 day sadhana. A sadhana is basically a spiritual discipline and to do one properly you are to not skip days and commit to doing a particular meditation for that period.

I started the 11 day sadhana few days early and I really like it and think I will do a 40 day discipline. It feels really good to practice and the theme of it is 'Open to Love'. I think considering the issues I had with my ex friends, something like this is timely and hopefully can heal my heart and open me to receive new and more loving friends into my life as I still feel a sense of betrayal and hurt.

The sadhana has video instruction and can be found at
http://www.spiritvoyage.com/globalsadhana/opentolove

Sense of Failure

Greetings all,

There has been a re-occurring theme in my meditation practice of feeling like a failure. For me, I feel I am fairly ambitious and have goals of wanting to be successful but it seems my whole life, any attempt at success gets thwarted so I do feel I am not successful. I've struggled with seeing people have careers with ease and they do the appropriate schooling and get experience. These feelings of failure have been coming up a lot in my meditation and I figure if I keep at my practice, eventually they will clear out and I will feel better in my life. At this point, I am trying to pinpoint why this is occurring and what can I do about it so that I can deal with it and move on.

Is there a lesson the universe is trying to teach me? I think that there is a lesson but I am not sure what it is. I think the experience is making me feel more humble in life. I think for me at this point, I am just trying to get to the core which I am sure will happen with continued practice. I definitely do not feel at this point in time I know where my life is going. There are stories of people who keep trying at something and 'fail' many times at it and then be successful. I think at this point I am not neutral with this concept of failure because it obviously makes me emotional when I face it in meditation. Is this a way to teach me more inner strength? To be more neutral with failure? To be persistent? I think if failure didn't bug me, I would keep at things. So is this more about I have a fear of failure and I am confronting it in meditation?

I know I am doing some thinking out loud here but I think at some point I can really deal with this at the root. At this point, I am not sure what exactly is going on but it sounds like I have a fear of failure?

Anyways, the bottom line is that I have many negative feelings come up when I face this concept and I definitely do not feel successful in life and I deeply desire to make something of myself. All I can do is keep at my practice and trust that in time I will get the inner strength and be ready to deal with it and no longer be affected by my sense of failure in life. It has been very heart breaking to deal with and it has been coming up a lot in my practice.

There She Blows

Greetings all,

It looks like I finally broke through my plateau with my meditation practice. I have been building up my time in sat kriya and did up to 3 sets of 8 minutes and then 3 sets of 9 minutes and then eventually did 31 minutes in sets of 11 mins and 2 10 minutes sets.

I must have hit through a major block because I had been crying so intensively during sat kriya for the past 3 days and that usually does not happen. I cried a lot when I first started doing kundalini yoga and then after a few months, I didn't have much crying to do because I cleared alot of emotional debris. I did feel I still had a way to go and I think I am finally hitting my deepest fears and blocks.

It has been intense emotionally these past 3 days and I hope I can move through this.

Last night I just felt so much pain inside my forehead and released some of it. My forehead has had a tremendous amount of tension and it has been very difficult to break down my defenses in that particular area of my body and hopefully I can really break through.

A few weeks ago, I really felt like I want to evolve my consciousness. I think I am tired of my life circumstances and just want to be happy and at peace with my life. I do feel I have more work to do on myself. While I feel I can see what other people's issues are, I feel I must devote my energy to working on myself and liberating myself.

I've been through this before and when you are going through such an emotional time, it can be confusing because you are clearing out a lot of emotional debris and ideas that no longer serve you. Depending how long this period lasts, it can take a while to settle in to the new energy and new way of being.

I definitely do not feel confident at this point in time but I know with continued practice I can make it through. I've been through this before and survived. I know it is for my own good and am accepting the process, no matter how painful it is.

My First Meetup

Greetings all,

I had my first meetup with my new group. It went well. I had 18 people show up, including myself. I was feeling a bit nervous but I hope that eventually I'll relax more into my position as being the head organizer.

I had some people ask me why I left the previous group I was in. I figured this would come up and I really didn't want to get too much involved so I ended up talking neutrally about what happened. I didn't really go into how Aimee punished a new organizer or how someone came to my blog to comment on how I was missing from the group. I just said that I didn't find the joke about the titles made was funny and I felt very strongly about it and felt that those titles was ego driven and not about being a team player since I feel we are all contributing to making the group a success and no one should try and be better then anyone, especially if they have done nothing for the group. I also mentioned that we have hung outside of meetup so I truly felt they had become my friends and was let down that they couldn't respect my feelings.Many people understood where I was coming from and I think for me, this validated my experience and made me feel relieved that I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I did about the titles. I was truly friends with the wrong people.

I know for me, I can't be friends with people who can't respect my feelings on something where I felt strongly about. I made it clear too to people who are still in that group that I don't want them to feel like they have to pick sides. Its up to them to go to meetups they want and I just have to focus on making my group a success. I can't go around trying to be like anyone else and have to be myself.

I told some of the people in my book group about what happened. They are all older and more experienced in life. One woman was very involved in many groups in her life and was telling me as soon as people start taking on these professional sounding titles, it usually ends up with the group falling apart. I think her groups had actual objectives so I am not sure if that will be the case for this group since it's just a social group. The group might end up becoming more successful without me. I know I was in a meetup group where it was about Angels and the woman Yvonne was very ego driven and narcissistic. She attracted many people to her meetups. Her group has grown since I left. She ran her own business and did Angel readings and she ended up dumping negative energy on me when I had a private consultation with her. I met other people who saw what I saw (her ego) and left her group so in my mind, I felt her days running that group would be numbered but it seems to be going strong and she has more members. So just because organizers are jerks, doesn't mean groups can't grow and appear successful.I am still carrying some hurt from the experience but I think this was good for me. I need people who are more evolved and not so egoistical and insecure. I need people will respect my feelings, not just dismiss them and belittle me.

It seems like making the most painful decision is sometimes the best decision.

21 Stages of Meditation

Greetings all,

I wrote previously how I was at a crossroads with my meditation practice and found reading the book 21 Stages of Meditation by Gurucharan helpful in making sense on what to do with my practice.

I was explaining to someone how I enjoyed this book but I also realized that this book was not covering the stage I was experiencing, even though the book gave me some sense of why one meditates.

I realized that I was going through the state of Doubt in regards to my meditating with Gan Pattee kriya. I had done many 120 day disciplines and during that time, it cleared a lot of mental and emotional garbage. I did wonder if there was anything more that I could do with this meditation because I wondered if I had 'exploited' it to the max. I tried using sodarshan chakra kriya which Yogi Bhajan said was the highest meditation one could do but never really enjoyed doing that.

I think what I was going through was Doubt. I was doubting if I was using the right meditation for me. I was doubting if it would have anymore impact in my life. I doubted if meditation was worth doing. None of this was really covered in this book and I do wonder if Yogi Bhajan talked about it at all.

I think Doubt is probably that middle stage between starting out and attaining 'enlightenment'. I think the only way to progress is probably experiencing this stage and then becoming aware of it and moving on. I am glad I shared my opinion of this book with someone because now that I reflect upon it, Doubt has been plaguing me for a long time and I think now I can practice with more faith. I may not know what fruits my meditation practice will bear, but it will bear fruit at some point in time. All I need to do is Keep Up as Yogi Bhajan advises.

My Meditation Practice

I've been doing Kundalini Yoga (KY) for about 4 years now. I learned about it years ago but never practiced it as I was practicing hatha yoga and then qigong. When I first was learning KY, I felt it was by far the most effective technology for helping me gain emotional and internal strength. I began doing hatha yoga at 18 and was very much into practicing mindful activities like yoga because I felt they helped with my anxiety and fears in life and gave me a tool to help cope with the stresses of life. Kundalini yoga took me to a whole other level. It was by far the most fastest tool to help clear old emotional debris and to help me process my anger, fears and frustrations in a positive manner. I found working with the meditation Ganpati Kriya (GP) was a very powerful meditation for me.

It was emotional to work with and many tears were shed during this meditation. It was also soothing and it would leave me feeling more relaxed and more at peace. Sometimes it took me on an emotional roller-coaster but that is to be expected when one decides to begin the process of cleaning the mind and subconscious.

For over a year, however, I felt like I had plateaued in my kundalini yoga and meditation practice. Back in 2010 I was learning the healing technology called Sat Nam Rasayan, which is under the umbrella of Kundalini Yoga. That took my meditation practice to another level. I was learning a lot about being non-reactive and learning how to accept all experiences instead of rejecting the negative and learning how to be neutral. Even though I was doing a lot of growing and learning with the Sat Nam Rasayan component of Kundalini Yoga, I was still feeling like I was plateauing in my personal practice.

I currently am working towards increasing my time in Sat Kriya. I've worked with this kriya a lot and even though I'm quite experienced in practicing it regularly, I still feel with that kriya I have something to strive for. I don't doubt with that kriya that I've hit a plateau like I do with ganpati kriya. I was stuck at doing 11 mins and decided if I wanted to be more comfortable with doing 31 mins, I would have to figure out a different approach. I learned about the Sat Kriya workout and this method involved doing sat kriya in 3 or 5 mins increments. I started to do that and am now able to doing 15 or 20 mins more consistently and with less struggle. Eventually I hope to be able to do 31 mins on a more regular basis.

Ganapati kriya was very transformative for me but I did wonder if I got all that I could with the meditation. I wondered if it was time to commit myself to other meditations. I tried sodarshan chakra kriya which Yogi Bhajan said is the highest meditation there is in kundanlini yoga. I tried it many times and have done a few 40 day disciplines but I could never click with this meditation. I never felt 100% about it being the best meditation for me.

I asked some of the regulars in my Sat Nam Rasayan group if it was possible to tap out all the benefit from a meditation but their response was that you can always learn and get something from a meditation. It never stops. I also posted this question on another forum for KY and the response was similar. Meditation is a life process and is supposed to be like cleaning your teeth except you are cleaning your mind. You never stop cleaning your teeth and if you use the best toothpaste and brush, you still have to practice it. You can never be done with cleaning your teeth. It is just part of your daily care.

I did do GP a few times after taking a break from it. I did it last night and I enjoyed doing it. I was yawning a lot, which is usually a good sign since it means it is something I am relaxing to.

I felt like maybe I am expecting too much from ganpati. Who knows how it will enhance my life. Maybe it seems like not much is going on but maybe it is working on a deeper level of my consciousness that I probably don't even have the capacity to be aware of at this stage in my life.

I recently got the book by Gurcharan The 21 Stages of Meditation and I think that was helpful in helping me figure out what to do with my practice. I was wondering why do I meditate. Why practice? I think the book was helpful in giving me a context with which to understand why I meditate and what the stages one can experience the more experienced they become.

I think the best thing for me to do with my practice in the long run is to make Ganpati kriya my default meditation and if there are meditations that look intriguing or strike my curiosity then I should try them. I don't need to go looking for the 'right' meditation. I think maybe I've found it already.