There's this interesting web site that features surveys and I'll occasionally amuse myself by taking some of them. They have one that I've taken 4 times and it's related to the chakras. As someone who is interested in spirituality, I am quite familiar with them and what they are. Also referred to as 'power centres' by Caroline Myss, a term more appealing to us crazy Westerners. The web site is http://www.tickle.com.
The first time I took it, I assumed that my 3rd chakra would be the most highest as I tend to have a pretty strong will. If you take the test, they will give you more info on what each chakra is responsible for and what are signs of imbalance. But much to my surprise, I found that my heart chakra was the highest. Only one time was it not the highest and that was because my crown chakra was a 9.8 whereas my heart was 9.0. I'm not a huge fan of these quizzes but I think it had some accuracy to it. They only give you 4 options to choose from but they should give a 5th because for some of the answers, like maybe 2 or 3, I felt more neutral to the question.
I'll copy the description from today's test. I've placed in bold, the text that pissed me off.
This chakra is located in the center of your chest, near the heart. The fourth chakra represents higher emotions, such as love, tenderness, and compassion. In your case, this chakra appears to be clear and unblocked so that positive energy can flow from it freely. Radiating positive energy from your fourth chakra indicates that you've cultivated higher wisdom concerning the important life lessons associated with this energy center. You're apt to possess an emotional maturity and depth that allows you to empathize with others. Whether you're interacting with strangers or the people closest to you, your fourth chakra conveys the kind of true compassion that can set others at ease.So when loved ones have problems, yours is the shoulder that they're likely to cry on. Perhaps they simply know that you'd be a good listener, or they sense your deep appreciation of people and their problems. It's not that you're always drowning in emotion; you have the ability to be self-contained. It also doesn't mean that you're so focused on others that you fail to care for yourself. It just implies that you have a ready knowledge of and connection with other human beings. This is a gift. Another gift that comes from strong fourth chakra energy is that of forgiveness. Being able to look past others' trespasses is a valuable life skill that has surely served you well in your relationships.
Your fourth chakra is a level 9.8 out of 10. This means that right now, you appear to be the epitome of embodied compassion. As a result, you likely feel an unconditional acceptance of most people with whom you come in contact. You're also much more able than most people are to make your heart open and available to others. This is sure to engender not only positivity in your fourth chakra but also positivity in your life.
I feel rage at the above statement. I don't think it's true. But I keep taking this test and keep getting the same answer. Damn it I'm narcisstic and self absorbed. Maybe people who read this entry should take this test and tell me if you find it to be somewhat reputable or accurate.
To take the test you need to create an account, which doesn't cost you anything. (if you want a more detailed report on some of these tests, then there is a fee, but I just take the free information that they gave as it is sufficient. Taking the chakra test below is free unless you want to upgrade. I personally do not upgrade) The link to the test is http://web.tickle.com/tests/chakra/index.jsp.
The tests done on this site claim to be PhD certified premium tests.
I could have scored high simply because I am delusional. Either that or the test isn't really well constructed. See for yourself folks, particularly those who have some knowledge about chakras.
What an insult... to be called the embodiment of compassion...
Fuck
That
Shit
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Monday, December 26, 2005
Reality TV
I must admit that I like reality tv. I don't watch much tv but since I've been off the past 3 days, I've allowed myself to vegetate in front of the television. I was watching The Surreal Life. I've also enjoyed watching Big Brother (BB) this season. I watched BB the first time it aired and it was so lame and yet I continued to watch it. Everyone was all nice and saccharine to each other. This was because it was the audience who decided who was going to get evicted. The following season they decided to adapt some show techniques from Survivor and decided to let them vote each other out, making the show somewhat more palatable. I think I just followed the first 2 seasons and maybe caught an episode here and there since, but this year I actually followed along the whole season. I think this year's season was one giant metaphor of what's wrong with America. It was a microcosm of the macrocosm. The people ended up splitting into 2 groups, the self-righteous people who stated they played the game with integrity but in reality all they did was trash talk the other team and the regular intelligent people who knew they were flawed but didn't act all self righteous. And then there was the floater guy who attempted to pit the 2 sides against each other. A Senator if you will.
The winner of this show was one of the people from the self-righteous group. It was eerie because this person really believed she played the game right and that her 'team' were good people. I see this as a representation of what's wrong with America because the intelligent people allowed themselves to be duped by the self righteous people. They believed that when the self righteous people said they were going to follow through with the plan that both groups decided on (i.e. they both agreed at one point in the game to oust the Senator, however when the self righteous people had power, they went against their word and voted against someone from the intelligent group).
The key fact that the intelligent people ignored about these self righteous people is that they are delusional. They will always think they are doing what is right when in reality, they are just out to please themself and only take care of their own self-centered needs. People like this are not trust worthy and yet these intelligent people in their naivety, placed their trust that these people would follow through with the agreed plan.
Again doesn't this sound a little familiar America?
Intelligent people naively and falsely trusting the untrustyworthy?
Other reality shows I have watched and enjoyed, include The Surreal Life and America's Top Model. When I first saw commercials for the Surreal Life, they just paint the participants as such washed up losers but when I watch the show, they seemed like decent humans. Well some of them were weird, but I could see through to their humanity inspite of their highly eccentric or self centeredness behaviour. I don't understand however, Omarosa. She seems highly sociopathic. She says this is her new profession - to be an actress for unscripted television. So it seems like she sometimes plays an evil and villanious person and she sometimes plays a nice person. Omarosa, you got issues. If you think people watch you for your outlandish behaviour and can't stand you if you are being yourself and being 'real', then woman you've just issues and you need to reassess your life.
I also liked America's Top model because models to me are something I personally despise and it was interesting for me to watch, because I could see their humanness, they weren't just pretty faces. Sure many of them were not bright but there was the odd one who was and some of them had a sweetness to them. My feelings of despise had been greatly minimized. Models are people too.
I must confess as well that I enjoy watching the reruns of Pamela Anderson's VIP show. That show has such lame plots and it's so unrealistic but for some reason I find it entertaining. And I like Pamela. She doesn't seem stupid in real life but she plays a ditz in the show and it's funny. Maybe I like it because the show doesn't take itself seriously. I don't watch the show often but if it's on, and I'm in the mood to watch television, I will watch it. It is a mystery as to why I like this show.
The winner of this show was one of the people from the self-righteous group. It was eerie because this person really believed she played the game right and that her 'team' were good people. I see this as a representation of what's wrong with America because the intelligent people allowed themselves to be duped by the self righteous people. They believed that when the self righteous people said they were going to follow through with the plan that both groups decided on (i.e. they both agreed at one point in the game to oust the Senator, however when the self righteous people had power, they went against their word and voted against someone from the intelligent group).
The key fact that the intelligent people ignored about these self righteous people is that they are delusional. They will always think they are doing what is right when in reality, they are just out to please themself and only take care of their own self-centered needs. People like this are not trust worthy and yet these intelligent people in their naivety, placed their trust that these people would follow through with the agreed plan.
Again doesn't this sound a little familiar America?
Intelligent people naively and falsely trusting the untrustyworthy?
Other reality shows I have watched and enjoyed, include The Surreal Life and America's Top Model. When I first saw commercials for the Surreal Life, they just paint the participants as such washed up losers but when I watch the show, they seemed like decent humans. Well some of them were weird, but I could see through to their humanity inspite of their highly eccentric or self centeredness behaviour. I don't understand however, Omarosa. She seems highly sociopathic. She says this is her new profession - to be an actress for unscripted television. So it seems like she sometimes plays an evil and villanious person and she sometimes plays a nice person. Omarosa, you got issues. If you think people watch you for your outlandish behaviour and can't stand you if you are being yourself and being 'real', then woman you've just issues and you need to reassess your life.
I also liked America's Top model because models to me are something I personally despise and it was interesting for me to watch, because I could see their humanness, they weren't just pretty faces. Sure many of them were not bright but there was the odd one who was and some of them had a sweetness to them. My feelings of despise had been greatly minimized. Models are people too.
I must confess as well that I enjoy watching the reruns of Pamela Anderson's VIP show. That show has such lame plots and it's so unrealistic but for some reason I find it entertaining. And I like Pamela. She doesn't seem stupid in real life but she plays a ditz in the show and it's funny. Maybe I like it because the show doesn't take itself seriously. I don't watch the show often but if it's on, and I'm in the mood to watch television, I will watch it. It is a mystery as to why I like this show.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Pretty Boys suck!
We had our improv gift exchange. I enjoyed watching what other people got. I got what I wanted which was a capo for my guitar. Again thank you Santa! You rock! I chose to remain anonymous and my victim enjoyed their gift, which I am glad that it was enjoyed.
For several years I've been wanting to come up with my own way of celebrating Christmas, instead of the typical spend lots of money and go frantic for 2 weeks. I've never officially come up with my own Christmas ritual but I guess maybe I have my own unconscious ritual. On my days off of work I like to spend time in my room thinking. I guess I would be considered highly introspective because I enjoy thinking and solitude. I always wonder what other people do. Am I the only one in the world who needs solitude on a regular basis? I reallly don't think so but sometimes it just seems like that to me.
With my new job, I have to be nice and polite to people all the time because it is customer service type work. I really don't think I'm a mean person but I'm not exactly known for being polite. In fact I would rather just be blunt and direct with people and tell them they are stupid. It just saves so much time. But now I am learning how to tell people they are stupid in a non-direct way - in a subtle, polite manner if you will. This goes against my whole nature. It's called 'soft skills'. This seems to be a skill inherent in women but I somehow seemed to be missing that gene.
We got moved to our desks on Thursday and that guy in my training class - the one who I said I flirted with a bit in the beginning - is now sitting behind me. The arrangement of the office is open style cubicles of 4 and they are back to back. So in my little area, there's 8 of us. I don't know why I flirted with this guy but now he just pisses me off. He's just some annoying pretty boy. A social butterfly. A slut.
He's Oakville pussy!
Some of my classmates were teasing me that now we are together, but I really don't want him around me. I don't find him attractive at all. He just looks like he's had an easy life. Never experienced pain. Living a carefree life and getting drunk all the time and fucking many girls with not a care in the world.
Why the hell would a guy like that annoy me? Pretty boys like him are a dime a dozen. He thinks he's great in bed. I've never actually met ANYONE who stated that they were horrible in bed.
Here's a scenario:
Me: So what are you like in bed? Are you good at pleasing the ladies?
Some guy: No. I'm horrible in bed. My dick is small and all I can think of is having my own orgasm.
No one ever admits to people their sexual inadequecies.
I don't know where I'm going with this.
Anyways, maybe he bugs me because my inner nerd just wants to be noticed and is jealous that he doesn't notice me, an attractive and wonderful single person.
Yeah maybe that's it...
I wonder if I try and read into people too much but I just wonder with him if there is anything more to his personality. I can't believe that he is just a pretty boy and that maybe he possesses some substance or has experienced some hardship. But maybe that's all he is. Maybe he is shallow. I find it hard to understand people like that because I really want to believe that people have some substance, even if it is a tiny speck. I can't fathom someone being 100% shallow.
I never grew up with the concept that I was beautiful or pretty (I was like a tomboy) so I tended to rely on my personality and intelligence. Whenever I meet a woman who is considered 'beautiful' by North American standards, I always wonder how much substance she has. Or if she is just superficial, incapable of intelligent thought. I've seen some girls at work who look 'fake' (someone pointed out a chick who looked fake and I agreed. This was one of the many chicks 'pretty boy' is chasing) and there's an automatic assossociation of fake with that of stupid or vacuous. She seems like an okay person. I can't really say.
But an intelligent person can be vacuous, they can choose to be shallow, to be vain and sacrifice their intelligence.
Why does it take so long to get to know people???
For several years I've been wanting to come up with my own way of celebrating Christmas, instead of the typical spend lots of money and go frantic for 2 weeks. I've never officially come up with my own Christmas ritual but I guess maybe I have my own unconscious ritual. On my days off of work I like to spend time in my room thinking. I guess I would be considered highly introspective because I enjoy thinking and solitude. I always wonder what other people do. Am I the only one in the world who needs solitude on a regular basis? I reallly don't think so but sometimes it just seems like that to me.
With my new job, I have to be nice and polite to people all the time because it is customer service type work. I really don't think I'm a mean person but I'm not exactly known for being polite. In fact I would rather just be blunt and direct with people and tell them they are stupid. It just saves so much time. But now I am learning how to tell people they are stupid in a non-direct way - in a subtle, polite manner if you will. This goes against my whole nature. It's called 'soft skills'. This seems to be a skill inherent in women but I somehow seemed to be missing that gene.
We got moved to our desks on Thursday and that guy in my training class - the one who I said I flirted with a bit in the beginning - is now sitting behind me. The arrangement of the office is open style cubicles of 4 and they are back to back. So in my little area, there's 8 of us. I don't know why I flirted with this guy but now he just pisses me off. He's just some annoying pretty boy. A social butterfly. A slut.
He's Oakville pussy!
Some of my classmates were teasing me that now we are together, but I really don't want him around me. I don't find him attractive at all. He just looks like he's had an easy life. Never experienced pain. Living a carefree life and getting drunk all the time and fucking many girls with not a care in the world.
Why the hell would a guy like that annoy me? Pretty boys like him are a dime a dozen. He thinks he's great in bed. I've never actually met ANYONE who stated that they were horrible in bed.
Here's a scenario:
Me: So what are you like in bed? Are you good at pleasing the ladies?
Some guy: No. I'm horrible in bed. My dick is small and all I can think of is having my own orgasm.
No one ever admits to people their sexual inadequecies.
I don't know where I'm going with this.
Anyways, maybe he bugs me because my inner nerd just wants to be noticed and is jealous that he doesn't notice me, an attractive and wonderful single person.
Yeah maybe that's it...
I wonder if I try and read into people too much but I just wonder with him if there is anything more to his personality. I can't believe that he is just a pretty boy and that maybe he possesses some substance or has experienced some hardship. But maybe that's all he is. Maybe he is shallow. I find it hard to understand people like that because I really want to believe that people have some substance, even if it is a tiny speck. I can't fathom someone being 100% shallow.
I never grew up with the concept that I was beautiful or pretty (I was like a tomboy) so I tended to rely on my personality and intelligence. Whenever I meet a woman who is considered 'beautiful' by North American standards, I always wonder how much substance she has. Or if she is just superficial, incapable of intelligent thought. I've seen some girls at work who look 'fake' (someone pointed out a chick who looked fake and I agreed. This was one of the many chicks 'pretty boy' is chasing) and there's an automatic assossociation of fake with that of stupid or vacuous. She seems like an okay person. I can't really say.
But an intelligent person can be vacuous, they can choose to be shallow, to be vain and sacrifice their intelligence.
Why does it take so long to get to know people???
Friday, December 23, 2005
Thoughts on Christmas
I have been meaning to write my opinion on Christmas. I went to my friend Karl the bunny's blog (which I list on the right column). He had some interesting points which also are similar to my view of Christmas (see his What is Christmas? post)
I do not agree with buying stuff for people. I've participated in a work secret Santa and this year I'm participating in the improv secret Santa. I don't mind buying one person a present but I think the holidays are for becoming introspective.
December 21st marks the Winter Solstice and the winter is the most ripe time for introspection and deep soul searching. It is a 'yin' season and like the bear, we are meant to 'hibernate'.
Instead the collective consciousness still believes in spending and keeping busy.
And searching in vain for the coveted 'toy of the year'.
I love this time of year but can't stand the Christmas part. I normally don't feel guilt because I try and do my best and if I fall short then I try to learn and move on. And it's hard to manipulate me with guilt. I seem to have been born guilt-resistant as a manipulation tactic.
But I feel like I'm a bad person because I don't believe in buying stuff. I feel like I'm some cold uncaring Scrooge and that who I am and how I treat people isn't good enough, that I have to buy them something. And it can't just be anything, it has to be good.
I've already mentioned that I have this issue with money and spending it so maybe that's part of my issue but I also don't care to receive presents. Obviously if someone wants to give me something, I'm not going to object.
I think this time of the year is designed so that humans can get into a quiet soul state so that they can listen to their heart and what the spirit of the universe has to say to them. It's a season that is ripe for listening and realizing profound spiritual truths. The soltice is like a portal and this portal is most easily accessible during the winter. This portal is particularly ripe until the 6th of January.
But what do people do? Completely ignore the portal and go the other way, the path of materialism. Products and material wealth is meaningless. They have a place in our life because realistically, if I didn't have food, clothes, shelter etc, I would be suffering. But if you don't get the basic idea that without love and without operating from that place, you have nothing. All the presents in the world will never fulfill that vacuum in your soul.
My training class officially graduated yesterday and we got moved to our new desks. My normal hours start Tuesday and I work from 1 to 9.30 pm. I'm sharing my desk with someone on the night shift but I got to see him this morning as he was done at 8.30. It was nice to meet my deskmate. Today was not a good day but it wasn't horrible either.
Humans are fickle!
I do not agree with buying stuff for people. I've participated in a work secret Santa and this year I'm participating in the improv secret Santa. I don't mind buying one person a present but I think the holidays are for becoming introspective.
December 21st marks the Winter Solstice and the winter is the most ripe time for introspection and deep soul searching. It is a 'yin' season and like the bear, we are meant to 'hibernate'.
Instead the collective consciousness still believes in spending and keeping busy.
And searching in vain for the coveted 'toy of the year'.
I love this time of year but can't stand the Christmas part. I normally don't feel guilt because I try and do my best and if I fall short then I try to learn and move on. And it's hard to manipulate me with guilt. I seem to have been born guilt-resistant as a manipulation tactic.
But I feel like I'm a bad person because I don't believe in buying stuff. I feel like I'm some cold uncaring Scrooge and that who I am and how I treat people isn't good enough, that I have to buy them something. And it can't just be anything, it has to be good.
I've already mentioned that I have this issue with money and spending it so maybe that's part of my issue but I also don't care to receive presents. Obviously if someone wants to give me something, I'm not going to object.
I think this time of the year is designed so that humans can get into a quiet soul state so that they can listen to their heart and what the spirit of the universe has to say to them. It's a season that is ripe for listening and realizing profound spiritual truths. The soltice is like a portal and this portal is most easily accessible during the winter. This portal is particularly ripe until the 6th of January.
But what do people do? Completely ignore the portal and go the other way, the path of materialism. Products and material wealth is meaningless. They have a place in our life because realistically, if I didn't have food, clothes, shelter etc, I would be suffering. But if you don't get the basic idea that without love and without operating from that place, you have nothing. All the presents in the world will never fulfill that vacuum in your soul.
My training class officially graduated yesterday and we got moved to our new desks. My normal hours start Tuesday and I work from 1 to 9.30 pm. I'm sharing my desk with someone on the night shift but I got to see him this morning as he was done at 8.30. It was nice to meet my deskmate. Today was not a good day but it wasn't horrible either.
Humans are fickle!
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Drunken Wanton
I've had quite a psychologically demanding week this week.
At my new job we finally began taking live calls on Tuesday. I was quite terrified. I have this fear of people. I'm usually afraid of meeting people who are new. Someone has to break that initial unknowingness and I'm certainly not one who likes to do that. Usually if I'm surrounded by my friends, I am more brave.
So why the hell am I in a field where I have to help people out all day?
It's a fear that I've got to get over. It has been a life long struggle to be comfortable with people. I don't understand where this mistrust of people comes from, because I haven't experienced torture or extreme suffering in this life.
I can't say I believe in reincarnation but of the 3 existential possibilities (1. we just live once and go to heaven, 2. we just live, there is no afterlife or 3. our spirit is eternal and we come back so that we can make up for past errors and to grow), reincarnation is the one that makes most sense to me.
I recall listening to Gary Zukac when I was around 18 and he was talking about past lives and I remember just not agreeing with that and doing all the numbers to not support his statement. I eventually pondered these 3 possibilities and over the years I have found myself gravitating towards the concept of reincarnation.
For me reincarnation doesn't mean you can spend your life slacking because you'll make up for it later. When I was a child, growing up Catholic, I was exposed to the idea that you die and go to heaven. That didn't make much sense to me either. What the hell do you do up there for eternity? It seems boring to me. And what's the standard of goodness for going up to heaven? Not everyone is virtuous. And those who aren't virtous aren't really evil enough to go to hell. Is there a remedial heaven for these people? A heaven for the mediocre?
Anyways, I digress. I read earlier this year a book by Dr. Brian Weiss who is a psychologist and his book is entitled, Many Lives Many Masters. It talks about how he had a client and he was just using regular hypnosis and this person ended up sharing stories from her previous life and because she was able to resolve the pain she experienced, her life began to improve and her highly neurotic personality was becoming more calm, confident and loving. Dr. Weiss was skeptical about this because he considered himself to possess an academic mind and this was not something he learned about. It's an interesting read and I recommend looking into it.
Obviously there is the possibility that people have false ideas planted into their mind through hypnosis, but people need to know that there's good hypnosis sessions and bad ones and the bad ones are where your subconscious is being misguided or manipulated.
I use hypnosis but I think a better term is to call it a guided meditation.
I bought one of his books that included a regression session. I think I tried it for about a month and a half. I don't know what I got out of it but I had one interesting experience as I was getting ready to go to bed. I had this feeling that someone kicked a stool from underneath me and I saw this quick flash of someone being hung.
I don't know what to make of that experience. It would make sense that my mistrust of people comes from an experience like that. For now, I've just made a mental note that I've had this experience. I don't know what to make of it but it is something I will keep in mind and perhaps I will get an answer or maybe realize that it meant nothing.
I had this interesting dream a few weeks ago that I think occured because of my eye mantra discipline. I just finished my 40 days on that one and am continuing another 40 days because I think it is something that needs to be worked on.
Anyways, in this dream I was talking to a healer. This healer happened to be some middle aged black woman. I can't explain how cool she was. She had a no-nonesense sass to her. She had this ability to look into people's bodies and find out what's wrong with them and so I asked her to look into my eyes and tell me what's wrong with my eyes because I want to heal my myopia. So she looks into my eyes and just breaks down and cries. I got this feeling from her that she saw someone who has experienced alot of suffering.
I believe many times my dreams are just based on things I unconsciously noticed in my day and my dream is just a way of processing these things . But somethings I think my dreams are revealing a message to me and that dream was certainly revealing something to me.
I know sometimes my blog seems really personal but since I already keep a personal journal and tend to write my more intimate thoughts there first, my blog is something that I am comfortable sharing with anyone. I just feel like I'm talking to an invisible friend. I don't know who you are but I know that you're there.
Anyways, some of us from work went out for a drink. I had a pizza at this sports bar and it was really good. My training class is also going out after work on our 'graduation' day which is on the 21st.
I ended up missing my study group last Sunday. I think it was because my family went to the Mandarin. We went along with my widowed grandmother (this is our first Christmas without our grandfather) and my aunt and uncle came, along with my 2 cousins and their wives. Whenever we all go out for a family gathering, it's usually to the Mandarin and frankly I get sick of going there. I enjoy eating the food when I'm there but I just don't like how I feel sick afterwards. And I don't eat to excess since it is a buffet and normally at a buffet, people gorge.
My obsession with jazz continues. I've learned a few more. I'm focusing on jazz licks from the Swing era. There's 14 in this book and I'm going to learn 11 of them which is 79%. I decided to focus on a section at a time and just learn the ones I like and/or are challenging. It's actually quite fun and I am getting more of a feel for this music and getting a feel of the speed.
It's fucking hard eh!
At my new job we finally began taking live calls on Tuesday. I was quite terrified. I have this fear of people. I'm usually afraid of meeting people who are new. Someone has to break that initial unknowingness and I'm certainly not one who likes to do that. Usually if I'm surrounded by my friends, I am more brave.
So why the hell am I in a field where I have to help people out all day?
It's a fear that I've got to get over. It has been a life long struggle to be comfortable with people. I don't understand where this mistrust of people comes from, because I haven't experienced torture or extreme suffering in this life.
I can't say I believe in reincarnation but of the 3 existential possibilities (1. we just live once and go to heaven, 2. we just live, there is no afterlife or 3. our spirit is eternal and we come back so that we can make up for past errors and to grow), reincarnation is the one that makes most sense to me.
I recall listening to Gary Zukac when I was around 18 and he was talking about past lives and I remember just not agreeing with that and doing all the numbers to not support his statement. I eventually pondered these 3 possibilities and over the years I have found myself gravitating towards the concept of reincarnation.
For me reincarnation doesn't mean you can spend your life slacking because you'll make up for it later. When I was a child, growing up Catholic, I was exposed to the idea that you die and go to heaven. That didn't make much sense to me either. What the hell do you do up there for eternity? It seems boring to me. And what's the standard of goodness for going up to heaven? Not everyone is virtuous. And those who aren't virtous aren't really evil enough to go to hell. Is there a remedial heaven for these people? A heaven for the mediocre?
Anyways, I digress. I read earlier this year a book by Dr. Brian Weiss who is a psychologist and his book is entitled, Many Lives Many Masters. It talks about how he had a client and he was just using regular hypnosis and this person ended up sharing stories from her previous life and because she was able to resolve the pain she experienced, her life began to improve and her highly neurotic personality was becoming more calm, confident and loving. Dr. Weiss was skeptical about this because he considered himself to possess an academic mind and this was not something he learned about. It's an interesting read and I recommend looking into it.
Obviously there is the possibility that people have false ideas planted into their mind through hypnosis, but people need to know that there's good hypnosis sessions and bad ones and the bad ones are where your subconscious is being misguided or manipulated.
I use hypnosis but I think a better term is to call it a guided meditation.
I bought one of his books that included a regression session. I think I tried it for about a month and a half. I don't know what I got out of it but I had one interesting experience as I was getting ready to go to bed. I had this feeling that someone kicked a stool from underneath me and I saw this quick flash of someone being hung.
I don't know what to make of that experience. It would make sense that my mistrust of people comes from an experience like that. For now, I've just made a mental note that I've had this experience. I don't know what to make of it but it is something I will keep in mind and perhaps I will get an answer or maybe realize that it meant nothing.
I had this interesting dream a few weeks ago that I think occured because of my eye mantra discipline. I just finished my 40 days on that one and am continuing another 40 days because I think it is something that needs to be worked on.
Anyways, in this dream I was talking to a healer. This healer happened to be some middle aged black woman. I can't explain how cool she was. She had a no-nonesense sass to her. She had this ability to look into people's bodies and find out what's wrong with them and so I asked her to look into my eyes and tell me what's wrong with my eyes because I want to heal my myopia. So she looks into my eyes and just breaks down and cries. I got this feeling from her that she saw someone who has experienced alot of suffering.
I believe many times my dreams are just based on things I unconsciously noticed in my day and my dream is just a way of processing these things . But somethings I think my dreams are revealing a message to me and that dream was certainly revealing something to me.
I know sometimes my blog seems really personal but since I already keep a personal journal and tend to write my more intimate thoughts there first, my blog is something that I am comfortable sharing with anyone. I just feel like I'm talking to an invisible friend. I don't know who you are but I know that you're there.
Anyways, some of us from work went out for a drink. I had a pizza at this sports bar and it was really good. My training class is also going out after work on our 'graduation' day which is on the 21st.
I ended up missing my study group last Sunday. I think it was because my family went to the Mandarin. We went along with my widowed grandmother (this is our first Christmas without our grandfather) and my aunt and uncle came, along with my 2 cousins and their wives. Whenever we all go out for a family gathering, it's usually to the Mandarin and frankly I get sick of going there. I enjoy eating the food when I'm there but I just don't like how I feel sick afterwards. And I don't eat to excess since it is a buffet and normally at a buffet, people gorge.
My obsession with jazz continues. I've learned a few more. I'm focusing on jazz licks from the Swing era. There's 14 in this book and I'm going to learn 11 of them which is 79%. I decided to focus on a section at a time and just learn the ones I like and/or are challenging. It's actually quite fun and I am getting more of a feel for this music and getting a feel of the speed.
It's fucking hard eh!
Monday, December 12, 2005
Jazzified
Since last night, Jazz has officially taken over my soul. I keep hearing these various jazz riffs in my head and now all I want to do is play jazz on my guitar.
At improv we are doing a Secret Santa. I got my 'victim' their gift already. I put on my wish list that I wanted a capo for my guitar. I asked someone a few months ago how much a capo is and it was within the budget we were given. I don't really care if my Santa gets me a capo, because a surprise would be okay. But really it's not up to me!
I'm a really practical person so I don't like it when people give you things that you can't use. At work last year we had a secret Santa and I said I wanted a Green Day cd and that's what I got and I listened to it a lot. I still listen to it since I love Green Day.
My birthday will be coming up soon. My birthday is January 13th and I will be turning 3 Cubed. My birthday is also on a Friday and the last time my birthday was on a Friday the 13th was when I turned 16 - which is 4 Squared.
Coincidence? I think not!
I was hoping that I'd be getting magical powers.
So when I turn 3 cubed, I am hoping that this time I will be getting magical powers or something. I used to watch Out of this World when I was a kid and the main character Eve, could freeze time by having her index fingers touch each other. So when I was 16, I did that in hopes that I had that gift.
Hey you never know unless you try!
Anyways, we all know that 3 is a magical number and so now I'll be 3x3x3 (3 3s) and so that's got to have some sort of significance. When I was 23, I had this feeling that when I turn 27, things in my life will start to come together.
I am excited to be at an age where I can state my age as a math equation.
The last time I was able to do that was when I was 5 Squared and I thought that my next chance is when I'm 6 Squared, which seemed so far away. I was quite happy when I realized I could cube 27.
I explained this story to a few of my co-workers but they didn't really get it. You have to be into numbers in order to appreciate my story.
At improv we are doing a Secret Santa. I got my 'victim' their gift already. I put on my wish list that I wanted a capo for my guitar. I asked someone a few months ago how much a capo is and it was within the budget we were given. I don't really care if my Santa gets me a capo, because a surprise would be okay. But really it's not up to me!
I'm a really practical person so I don't like it when people give you things that you can't use. At work last year we had a secret Santa and I said I wanted a Green Day cd and that's what I got and I listened to it a lot. I still listen to it since I love Green Day.
My birthday will be coming up soon. My birthday is January 13th and I will be turning 3 Cubed. My birthday is also on a Friday and the last time my birthday was on a Friday the 13th was when I turned 16 - which is 4 Squared.
Coincidence? I think not!
I was hoping that I'd be getting magical powers.
So when I turn 3 cubed, I am hoping that this time I will be getting magical powers or something. I used to watch Out of this World when I was a kid and the main character Eve, could freeze time by having her index fingers touch each other. So when I was 16, I did that in hopes that I had that gift.
Hey you never know unless you try!
Anyways, we all know that 3 is a magical number and so now I'll be 3x3x3 (3 3s) and so that's got to have some sort of significance. When I was 23, I had this feeling that when I turn 27, things in my life will start to come together.
I am excited to be at an age where I can state my age as a math equation.
The last time I was able to do that was when I was 5 Squared and I thought that my next chance is when I'm 6 Squared, which seemed so far away. I was quite happy when I realized I could cube 27.
I explained this story to a few of my co-workers but they didn't really get it. You have to be into numbers in order to appreciate my story.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Don't you just hate it when, after putting in a good week of work, you wake up on your day off tired? I'm all tired and restless and I have errands to do.
We have completed our 3rd week of training. I find the process of integrating so slow. Many have been stressed this week because we've been getting tested. We had Q.A. mark our calls yesterday morning and everyone was tense. I was nervous as well and I just started writing so I could focus my mind. We're having a written 'test' this Monday and we were told to study as we wait for our mock phone call. So here I am sitting in class just writing away my thoughts because I just couldn't focus on studying. Calmness was washing over me and then I began writing poetry. I produced some really nice lines that perhaps have potential to become something more.
At the end of our training period, we need to have 2 consecutive calls at 80% in order to become certified, which I think they will do by the end of next week. We got our scores back in the morning and I think everyone passed. It's not that hard really, I just don't know why people get so worked up. I averaged 86%. One person got 100% but she studied and was so nervous about failing.
I was always one of those people who - whenever everyone else started stressing over something like a test and got anxious about pressure - would always stay calm.
I only seem to get stressed and anxious (not that that happens a lot) when everyone else is calm.
I ordered these 3 books (from the same author) that features 101 licks (aka riffs) in Rock, Jazz and Blues. I've been learning jazz licks this week. I thought I should just focus on one lick at a time but I found I would get frustrated a lot and decided it would be better if I focused on several at a time and keep learning new ones and reviewing ones that I've memorized.
Jazz is really fast and I haven't been able to keep up to the speed yet. I'm not really a jazz fan either. I took guitar lessons when I first started for 2 months and my teacher kept raving about jazz. I'm feeling some of the jazz, but some of it I just don't get. I'm learning licks from the swing section.
I find memorizing the licks easy because I'm good at pattern recognition and memorization. I want to be really good at the guitar but it is so slow. I started in July 2004. I want to comfortable playing in front of people too because I'm still self-conscious about my skills.
Anyways, I've learned 4 for this week. I'm not going to learn all 101 because many of them sound similar and I don't think it's necessary.
I finished my first 2 40 day mantra discipline this week and will continue for the full 120 days. My eye mantra discipline will finish next week. I read that stubborn issues may need a full 120 practice. I think these disciplines have had an effect on me and I definitely think fruit will bear within the 120 days. I've had some interesting experiences so I think it will be worth doing them for 120 days (i.e. 3 40 day disciplines). I'm just taking it a day at a time to see how they go.
I've got so much self-discipline coming out of my ass. Does anyone need self-discipline because I've got lots of it...
I'm giving it away folks, take it!
We have completed our 3rd week of training. I find the process of integrating so slow. Many have been stressed this week because we've been getting tested. We had Q.A. mark our calls yesterday morning and everyone was tense. I was nervous as well and I just started writing so I could focus my mind. We're having a written 'test' this Monday and we were told to study as we wait for our mock phone call. So here I am sitting in class just writing away my thoughts because I just couldn't focus on studying. Calmness was washing over me and then I began writing poetry. I produced some really nice lines that perhaps have potential to become something more.
At the end of our training period, we need to have 2 consecutive calls at 80% in order to become certified, which I think they will do by the end of next week. We got our scores back in the morning and I think everyone passed. It's not that hard really, I just don't know why people get so worked up. I averaged 86%. One person got 100% but she studied and was so nervous about failing.
I was always one of those people who - whenever everyone else started stressing over something like a test and got anxious about pressure - would always stay calm.
I only seem to get stressed and anxious (not that that happens a lot) when everyone else is calm.
I ordered these 3 books (from the same author) that features 101 licks (aka riffs) in Rock, Jazz and Blues. I've been learning jazz licks this week. I thought I should just focus on one lick at a time but I found I would get frustrated a lot and decided it would be better if I focused on several at a time and keep learning new ones and reviewing ones that I've memorized.
Jazz is really fast and I haven't been able to keep up to the speed yet. I'm not really a jazz fan either. I took guitar lessons when I first started for 2 months and my teacher kept raving about jazz. I'm feeling some of the jazz, but some of it I just don't get. I'm learning licks from the swing section.
I find memorizing the licks easy because I'm good at pattern recognition and memorization. I want to be really good at the guitar but it is so slow. I started in July 2004. I want to comfortable playing in front of people too because I'm still self-conscious about my skills.
Anyways, I've learned 4 for this week. I'm not going to learn all 101 because many of them sound similar and I don't think it's necessary.
I finished my first 2 40 day mantra discipline this week and will continue for the full 120 days. My eye mantra discipline will finish next week. I read that stubborn issues may need a full 120 practice. I think these disciplines have had an effect on me and I definitely think fruit will bear within the 120 days. I've had some interesting experiences so I think it will be worth doing them for 120 days (i.e. 3 40 day disciplines). I'm just taking it a day at a time to see how they go.
I've got so much self-discipline coming out of my ass. Does anyone need self-discipline because I've got lots of it...
I'm giving it away folks, take it!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I'm almost finished reading Steiner's World Economy book and around the 7th lecture, it started getting really awesome. The beginning, he's just talking weird stuff and then his concepts all start to come together. He completely 'revolutionized' the concept of supply and demand and how they really interact in the real world.
If I were a Steiner groupie, I'd blow him.
Anyways, I finally found myself a nice pair of black shoes to wear for work. It was so hard to find a decent pair. I wanted one with a low heel and that was stylish but so many shoes have high heels or just look cheap.
This is what is upsetting me with the quality of shoes. They are producing such shoddy work with poor material. I can't even stand looking at Walmart or Payless most of the time because so many of the shoes they have are just so damn cheap looking. Oh sure they might have the occasional nice decent shoe, but I have a keen eye for quality.
Have you noticed how they now create a wooden look to the heel of the shoe by just placing some sticker that looks like wood? I bought these pair of shoes about 8-10 years ago and the heel is actually made out of wood. The majority of the heel is rubber, but they have enough interest in their product to create a centimetre layer of wood that goes around it. That is acceptable to me.
Not placing a fucking 'wood' sticker over cheap plastic to create the illusion of wood.
Next time ladies and gents, take a good look at how the heel of the shoe looks like.
I also bought myself another pair of runners. They are so cool. They are brown and pink.
I like runners. I have a bunch but I tend to wear one pair most of the time. I don't mix it up much.
I have grown to detest shopping. It's too hard to find stuff that I like and it just takes too much time. You go to a bunch of stores and sometimes find nothing. My shopping habits are becoming more and more like a man. I just want to quickly go in, buy something and move on.
But I struggle because I tend to operate on the principle of quality. I want quality clothes and quality fabric. I'm not a fashion diva but I do not like buying clothes that look cheap. Get some decent fabric! It makes such a huge difference.
We only have 2 guys in our training class, one of which is single. He sat next to me for a few days as we had our seats changed. He's cute and we were flirting a bit. He's interested in some girl (not in the training) but she's all wishy washy and doesn't know what she wants. He's pretty open, like I am and because we flirt, he just comes out and asks if I'm interested in him. He's a bit younger then me and he's cute.
Here's a secret guys, I don't know if other women are like this or if it's just me.
I usually envision myself with someone and if that idea doesn't appeal to me, then I generally show little interest in someone (sexually). I think pretty much every guy I've ever met, I always mentally analyze if he is someone who I can potentially mate with. It's largely done unconsciously and on an instinctual level, however I am more conscious about my own mental inner workings then the majority of the population.
So I don't really find myself attracted to this person.
Of course I can just sleep with him because I want to up my numbers.
But as I've previously mentioned in another entry, it's just a lot of work in getting involved with someone new and finding what they like sexually and becoming comfortable with each other.
I am currently with an excellent service provider.
I see no reason for leaving my service provider. I get good, reliable quality service and I feel understood as a person.
Where are the incentives?
Oh the vicissitudes of life!
If I were a Steiner groupie, I'd blow him.
Anyways, I finally found myself a nice pair of black shoes to wear for work. It was so hard to find a decent pair. I wanted one with a low heel and that was stylish but so many shoes have high heels or just look cheap.
This is what is upsetting me with the quality of shoes. They are producing such shoddy work with poor material. I can't even stand looking at Walmart or Payless most of the time because so many of the shoes they have are just so damn cheap looking. Oh sure they might have the occasional nice decent shoe, but I have a keen eye for quality.
Have you noticed how they now create a wooden look to the heel of the shoe by just placing some sticker that looks like wood? I bought these pair of shoes about 8-10 years ago and the heel is actually made out of wood. The majority of the heel is rubber, but they have enough interest in their product to create a centimetre layer of wood that goes around it. That is acceptable to me.
Not placing a fucking 'wood' sticker over cheap plastic to create the illusion of wood.
Next time ladies and gents, take a good look at how the heel of the shoe looks like.
I also bought myself another pair of runners. They are so cool. They are brown and pink.
I like runners. I have a bunch but I tend to wear one pair most of the time. I don't mix it up much.
I have grown to detest shopping. It's too hard to find stuff that I like and it just takes too much time. You go to a bunch of stores and sometimes find nothing. My shopping habits are becoming more and more like a man. I just want to quickly go in, buy something and move on.
But I struggle because I tend to operate on the principle of quality. I want quality clothes and quality fabric. I'm not a fashion diva but I do not like buying clothes that look cheap. Get some decent fabric! It makes such a huge difference.
We only have 2 guys in our training class, one of which is single. He sat next to me for a few days as we had our seats changed. He's cute and we were flirting a bit. He's interested in some girl (not in the training) but she's all wishy washy and doesn't know what she wants. He's pretty open, like I am and because we flirt, he just comes out and asks if I'm interested in him. He's a bit younger then me and he's cute.
Here's a secret guys, I don't know if other women are like this or if it's just me.
I usually envision myself with someone and if that idea doesn't appeal to me, then I generally show little interest in someone (sexually). I think pretty much every guy I've ever met, I always mentally analyze if he is someone who I can potentially mate with. It's largely done unconsciously and on an instinctual level, however I am more conscious about my own mental inner workings then the majority of the population.
So I don't really find myself attracted to this person.
Of course I can just sleep with him because I want to up my numbers.
But as I've previously mentioned in another entry, it's just a lot of work in getting involved with someone new and finding what they like sexually and becoming comfortable with each other.
I am currently with an excellent service provider.
I see no reason for leaving my service provider. I get good, reliable quality service and I feel understood as a person.
Where are the incentives?
Oh the vicissitudes of life!
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Gail
I have to tell these amusing stories about my training at work. They are probably jokes that you could only understand if you were there or if you had a sense of my personality.
I will tell my best anyways to recreate the day.
Part of our training involves doing these role playing exercises done via the telephone. We haven't gone into dialogue training in depth, just doing basics. So when I play the customer, I get into improvisor mode. See there's a switch in my brain that I can activate when I want to get into this spontaneous, creative mode. It also has various levels, i.e. I can put it to 10 (which is the highest). I usually keep it at a low 2-3 level so that I can 'fit' in with the normal people of society.
I never really turn this switch off, I just keep it low so I can integrate into society.
We had been assigned partners and we got to switch roles as well, so I did get a chance to be serious. When I was the customer (improvisor mode), I was making unusal requests (but appropriate and relevant to the training) and using an accent of some sort. I hate to say it but I had so much fun being the customer. I obviously was also paying attention to what my partner was doing and making sure that we both were doing things right and learning what we are supposed to be doing.
Being in improvisor mode is about messing with people's minds and throwing things at them that they aren't used to. It's about waking people up from their slumber. Getting their chemical soup going.
Our trainer took a few people and we played that "who am I?" game where you are only allowed to ask questions that will produce a yes or no answer. We were asked to come up with people for them to be. I was thinking about who is someone who is famous but obscure? Someone shouted out Oprah Winfrey and I associated obscure and Oprah and shouted out "Oprah Winfrey's best friend Gail". Again I accelerated into improvisor mode because I wanted to come up with someone whom they could never figure out. For all of you who don't know, Oprah's best friend Gail has appeared on her show at times as a guest correspondent. Her full name is Gail King and I think she works as a television reporter.
I'm generally quiet in class and every once in a while I burst verbally. I'll use a metafuckaphor to clarify: I'm like a bolt of lightning on a clear sunny day.
We had someone re-do their person because our trainor accidently gave away the answer. Our training assistant wasn't there when I first shouted out Oprah Winfrey's best friend Gail and so I thought I'd go with that answer again and shouted it out and that surprised the assistant and she laughed pretty hard. They didn't go with my answer.
I will tell my best anyways to recreate the day.
Part of our training involves doing these role playing exercises done via the telephone. We haven't gone into dialogue training in depth, just doing basics. So when I play the customer, I get into improvisor mode. See there's a switch in my brain that I can activate when I want to get into this spontaneous, creative mode. It also has various levels, i.e. I can put it to 10 (which is the highest). I usually keep it at a low 2-3 level so that I can 'fit' in with the normal people of society.
I never really turn this switch off, I just keep it low so I can integrate into society.
We had been assigned partners and we got to switch roles as well, so I did get a chance to be serious. When I was the customer (improvisor mode), I was making unusal requests (but appropriate and relevant to the training) and using an accent of some sort. I hate to say it but I had so much fun being the customer. I obviously was also paying attention to what my partner was doing and making sure that we both were doing things right and learning what we are supposed to be doing.
Being in improvisor mode is about messing with people's minds and throwing things at them that they aren't used to. It's about waking people up from their slumber. Getting their chemical soup going.
Our trainer took a few people and we played that "who am I?" game where you are only allowed to ask questions that will produce a yes or no answer. We were asked to come up with people for them to be. I was thinking about who is someone who is famous but obscure? Someone shouted out Oprah Winfrey and I associated obscure and Oprah and shouted out "Oprah Winfrey's best friend Gail". Again I accelerated into improvisor mode because I wanted to come up with someone whom they could never figure out. For all of you who don't know, Oprah's best friend Gail has appeared on her show at times as a guest correspondent. Her full name is Gail King and I think she works as a television reporter.
I'm generally quiet in class and every once in a while I burst verbally. I'll use a metafuckaphor to clarify: I'm like a bolt of lightning on a clear sunny day.
We had someone re-do their person because our trainor accidently gave away the answer. Our training assistant wasn't there when I first shouted out Oprah Winfrey's best friend Gail and so I thought I'd go with that answer again and shouted it out and that surprised the assistant and she laughed pretty hard. They didn't go with my answer.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Random health thoughts
I got sick on Monday afternoon and ended up getting a fever of 101 when I woke up on Tuesday. I didn't want to miss my training for work, because we were actually going to be doing live work.
I never thought I'd utter those words in my life... wanting to go to work, not wanting to miss work. It sends me shivers but it is true. My trainer told me we'd be doing more live work next week so that's good.
I think I'm like most people in that sometimes it's better to be thrown to the lions. I understand the necessity of class training but really things don't gel until you know what you're doing is for real and not just practice.
I was feeling better on Tuesday afternoon as my fever seemed to reach its peak when I woke up in the morning. I've been taking it easy this week and just attending my training.
I care alot about my health and inspite of my young age, my health and vitality is something I value. It's my top priority to make sure my body is in the best state it can be.
I don't like being one of those people who go into work even though they are sick. You're not helping yourself or those around you when you show up for work sick. The body has certain needs and if you don't give it what it needs, it's going to become sicker, maybe not immeditately but most definitely in the long term.
For me, my body is my 'temple'. I enjoy exercising, particularly doing qigong. I think a lot of problems in our society can be solved if people choose a physical discipline and stick to it.
The body needs to move around, period.
If it doesn't get that, people start getting anxious and restless and fidgety and fat and unfocused.
I started doing yoga when I was 18 and abandoned that practice this year because I started learning qigong and found it to be more relaxing, without the muscle soreness.
I think a few months into my yoga practice, I started becoming aware that I had an anxiety problem and that becoming anxious over life events was a common reaction for me. I eventually learned how to relax and I think I get anxious once in a while but I feel pretty calm most of the time. And plus I don't hold onto my anxiety. Our bodies hold onto negative emotions and through exercises like qigong or yoga, you slowly learn how to release them. You also start to learn that you are not your emotions and that emotions come and go. It's important when negative feelings come up to just witness and acknowledge them and let them go.
Who would have thought you could learn emotional maturity through mindful exercises such as qigong and yoga??!!
I learned a back qigong routine in August (see my archive where I briefly mention about the routine) and I had this pain on the right side of my back. After doing this routine a few times I felt anger towards my mother one day and that night I had this dream about how my mother would force me to go to church when I was a teenager and I didn't want to go (as a side note, my mother felt attending church was important and I just didn't like church anymore but was coerced against my own will. My mother has stopped this coercing once I went to university. She wasn't violent but said if I wanted to take the car to school, then I had to go to church. Every Sunday morning was a bitch because we'd always argue. I hold no resentment towards my mother and my mother is usually an understanding and decent human).
I had a lot of anger and thought I had 'dealt' with this issue. I woke up and wrote about this dream in my journal and started to cry. That pain that I had in that area of my back disappeared.
The body doesn't lie!
Because I've been learning qigong, I've also been looking briefly into the theories of Chinese Medicine. I haven't studied it extensively so please keep that in mind that my research is not indepth. In North American medicine, diseases are basically seen in terms of cause and effect. It looks into medicine in mechanical terms and doesn't really seek to grasp the whole of the person and how they may be making lifestyle choices that are making them sick or more vulnerable.
Chinese medicine is based on the whole yin yang concept but it also recognizes the key role our internal organs play into our health. So someone may have a problem that may not be directed related to their organs, however the problem can be because one organ is weak or is too dominant.
I find it interesting to compare these 2 different views on health and they are quite opposite.
I read a long time ago but every year the psychiatric society or something, keeps adding a list of diseases and keeps 'discovering' illnesses.
Our society is so fucked up, it's funny.
Why do we have a medical view that is so clearly negative and just focuses on what's wrong with us? Why are we so pathogen-centric?
Our natural state is health. It's not disease and yet we consider feeling like crap or being mentally dysfunctional as something normal, when it's not. Everyone is pretty much on some sort of drug and maybe people need to realize that you don't need to be.
I'm not anti-drug, but I just think taking drugs should be your last choice and so should surgery. You should look at your diet, your lifestyle and whether you are engaging in activities that are not healthy. You also need to look at your environment because it could be a reaction to chemicals. And most of all getting quality sleep.
But here's something interesting that I've been pondering for a while that shows the key role our organs play in our health. I'm not sure if I'm stating this correctly, but what does the body do when it gets into a coma (it's basically the body has some sort of crisis and I think it's a coma but I'm not 100% sure. Maybe it's hypothermia)?
The body protects the inner organs first. It conserves its energy and directs it towards the major organs.
Nobody cares about the organs in our Western culture. Nobody even talks about them unless they are in serious trouble.
I'm getting tired but probably will discuss health in the future.
But I will say one quick thing.
I have 2 brothers with a serious mental illness and this happened when I was 11. I've always wondered what is the real cause to this problem because the doctor's claim it was stressed induced and it's a brain chemical problem (again this to me demonstrates the doctor's don't really understand mental illness. The brain is more then just chemical reactions and processes).
I basically think we don't understand what mental illness is.
But I'm wondering if maybe mental illness is really a problem that starts in our organs.
According to Chinese Medical theory, our anger is related to our liver. They also attribute various emotions to the organs, but the one that I remember is anger and liver. So people that get angry alot may have too much energy(aka chi or qi) in that area and it's creating an imbalance. Chinese Medicine talks about chi (aka life energy) which is something we don't even have an English equivalent for. Qigong basically means working with qi. I do not know if chi is real based on my qigong practice but I definitely feel warm when I practice qigong. How can moving slowly make you feel warm and make your toes warm too?
Anyways, that is just my speculative theory on mental illness.
I don't know anything about anything!
I never thought I'd utter those words in my life... wanting to go to work, not wanting to miss work. It sends me shivers but it is true. My trainer told me we'd be doing more live work next week so that's good.
I think I'm like most people in that sometimes it's better to be thrown to the lions. I understand the necessity of class training but really things don't gel until you know what you're doing is for real and not just practice.
I was feeling better on Tuesday afternoon as my fever seemed to reach its peak when I woke up in the morning. I've been taking it easy this week and just attending my training.
I care alot about my health and inspite of my young age, my health and vitality is something I value. It's my top priority to make sure my body is in the best state it can be.
I don't like being one of those people who go into work even though they are sick. You're not helping yourself or those around you when you show up for work sick. The body has certain needs and if you don't give it what it needs, it's going to become sicker, maybe not immeditately but most definitely in the long term.
For me, my body is my 'temple'. I enjoy exercising, particularly doing qigong. I think a lot of problems in our society can be solved if people choose a physical discipline and stick to it.
The body needs to move around, period.
If it doesn't get that, people start getting anxious and restless and fidgety and fat and unfocused.
I started doing yoga when I was 18 and abandoned that practice this year because I started learning qigong and found it to be more relaxing, without the muscle soreness.
I think a few months into my yoga practice, I started becoming aware that I had an anxiety problem and that becoming anxious over life events was a common reaction for me. I eventually learned how to relax and I think I get anxious once in a while but I feel pretty calm most of the time. And plus I don't hold onto my anxiety. Our bodies hold onto negative emotions and through exercises like qigong or yoga, you slowly learn how to release them. You also start to learn that you are not your emotions and that emotions come and go. It's important when negative feelings come up to just witness and acknowledge them and let them go.
Who would have thought you could learn emotional maturity through mindful exercises such as qigong and yoga??!!
I learned a back qigong routine in August (see my archive where I briefly mention about the routine) and I had this pain on the right side of my back. After doing this routine a few times I felt anger towards my mother one day and that night I had this dream about how my mother would force me to go to church when I was a teenager and I didn't want to go (as a side note, my mother felt attending church was important and I just didn't like church anymore but was coerced against my own will. My mother has stopped this coercing once I went to university. She wasn't violent but said if I wanted to take the car to school, then I had to go to church. Every Sunday morning was a bitch because we'd always argue. I hold no resentment towards my mother and my mother is usually an understanding and decent human).
I had a lot of anger and thought I had 'dealt' with this issue. I woke up and wrote about this dream in my journal and started to cry. That pain that I had in that area of my back disappeared.
The body doesn't lie!
Because I've been learning qigong, I've also been looking briefly into the theories of Chinese Medicine. I haven't studied it extensively so please keep that in mind that my research is not indepth. In North American medicine, diseases are basically seen in terms of cause and effect. It looks into medicine in mechanical terms and doesn't really seek to grasp the whole of the person and how they may be making lifestyle choices that are making them sick or more vulnerable.
Chinese medicine is based on the whole yin yang concept but it also recognizes the key role our internal organs play into our health. So someone may have a problem that may not be directed related to their organs, however the problem can be because one organ is weak or is too dominant.
I find it interesting to compare these 2 different views on health and they are quite opposite.
I read a long time ago but every year the psychiatric society or something, keeps adding a list of diseases and keeps 'discovering' illnesses.
Our society is so fucked up, it's funny.
Why do we have a medical view that is so clearly negative and just focuses on what's wrong with us? Why are we so pathogen-centric?
Our natural state is health. It's not disease and yet we consider feeling like crap or being mentally dysfunctional as something normal, when it's not. Everyone is pretty much on some sort of drug and maybe people need to realize that you don't need to be.
I'm not anti-drug, but I just think taking drugs should be your last choice and so should surgery. You should look at your diet, your lifestyle and whether you are engaging in activities that are not healthy. You also need to look at your environment because it could be a reaction to chemicals. And most of all getting quality sleep.
But here's something interesting that I've been pondering for a while that shows the key role our organs play in our health. I'm not sure if I'm stating this correctly, but what does the body do when it gets into a coma (it's basically the body has some sort of crisis and I think it's a coma but I'm not 100% sure. Maybe it's hypothermia)?
The body protects the inner organs first. It conserves its energy and directs it towards the major organs.
Nobody cares about the organs in our Western culture. Nobody even talks about them unless they are in serious trouble.
I'm getting tired but probably will discuss health in the future.
But I will say one quick thing.
I have 2 brothers with a serious mental illness and this happened when I was 11. I've always wondered what is the real cause to this problem because the doctor's claim it was stressed induced and it's a brain chemical problem (again this to me demonstrates the doctor's don't really understand mental illness. The brain is more then just chemical reactions and processes).
I basically think we don't understand what mental illness is.
But I'm wondering if maybe mental illness is really a problem that starts in our organs.
According to Chinese Medical theory, our anger is related to our liver. They also attribute various emotions to the organs, but the one that I remember is anger and liver. So people that get angry alot may have too much energy(aka chi or qi) in that area and it's creating an imbalance. Chinese Medicine talks about chi (aka life energy) which is something we don't even have an English equivalent for. Qigong basically means working with qi. I do not know if chi is real based on my qigong practice but I definitely feel warm when I practice qigong. How can moving slowly make you feel warm and make your toes warm too?
Anyways, that is just my speculative theory on mental illness.
I don't know anything about anything!
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Reception Clearing
Last night I went to a fundraising fair (I guess that's what it was called) that a person from my study group was involved in. She and someone else runs a Waldorf kindergarten class in the school. So I'm guessing the money goes to the school. Some people from my group said they would attend and so I decided to join along as well. I'm not really a festival/fair person but I thought I'd go socialize with my fellow anthropops. Usually in our weekly gathering, we spend about 30 - 45 minutes just socializing and talking about what's going on in our lives or in the world before we actually begin with our reading.
There was a silent auction and a whack of children there.
I hate kids. I really do. All that unbridled energy. I'm so glad I'm not a teacher. Actually I don't mind kids, there was just so many of them.
I purchased some desserts and saw one of the couples from the group and joined them. They were that older couple who went to the US and BC and came back to Brantford and rejoined our group. I really wanted to talk to them because I was curious about them and wanted to know more about their history. The man has been reading Steiner for 28 years and his career was as a chemistry teacher. He is like the Yoda of the group and he's also good at explaining anthroposophical ideas. I didn't get a chance to talk to his wife because she spent time with her granddaughter and taking her to the children's play area. She's a Waldorf teacher and is quite social and outgoing. She's good at opening people up and seems to have insight into people.
I've finished my first week of training at work. It seems to be going slow and I feel like I can learn more. There's 20 of us so maybe if it were a smaller group, we'd be progressing faster.
I sat with some people from my class during lunch and this one girl was going on about her boyfriend again. I was with her the other day and she spent all her time discussing her boyfriend because they plan on getting married. She seems like a nice girl. She's only 23 so I think back to when I was 23 (which really is only 3 years ago) so that I can better understand where she's coming from. Some of the girls in the class are around 22 or 23, some of the woman are over 30 and married with children and probably 2-3 or us are single and over 25 (which is where I fit in). We only have 2 guys, one who is 30 and married and the other 22.
This girl mentioned how her boyfriend puts her down and as soon as I heard that, a red flag goes up in my head. At the table is a married woman with a child (I'll call them MWC for short) and another 22 year old girl. So the MWC, a nice lady seems sweet, is giving advice to this girl. The 22 year old girl talks about her boyfriend and how sometimes they will yell and argue with each other - outdoors, while one is on one side of the street while the other is on the opposite.
Holy begeezers batman talk about dysfunctional relationships. It's just not healthy to be relating to someone like that. Yelling at each other on the street, at 3 am? Putting someone down?
Relationships are funny though.
I'm contemplating on whether I should completely withdraw myself from 'the dating scene'. I have a lot of things I want to learn and do, a lot of personal work that I am doing and I frankly just don't have the patience to invest my time meeting someone new wondering if this relationship is going to go anywhere.
I understand the idea life is a journey and a process but sometimes I just want to hurry it up and get everything done. Maybe it's because I'm from the instant gratification generation. I was more impatient when I was younger.
Being single sucks. I don't have a problem spending time by myself because I enjoy my company. Being single sucks when you want someone but can't find anyone suitable!
I'm not someone who likes to bitch and moan about stuff like this. After all, being alone, in the grand scheme of things, is not such a bad thing. I have my health, I live in a peaceful country, my home life is stable.
It sucks though.
I usually like to imagine myself in the future and using timelines to help me gain some perspective on events. A week feels like a month to me so I'll do a mental timeline. Here's an example: If I think about when I'm say 35, let's assume I find the right person when I'm 30. So that would mean I would be alone or dating freaks for 4 years but in the end everything works out. I as the 35 year see how unnecessary it is to get worked up over being single because dating freaks and being single for 4 years is not so bad. And since everything works out, what is the point of getting upset.
See using timelines is good for maintaining equanimity!
I feel better when I utilize timeline exercises like that, because I'm not really objective about time and doing them gives me some objectivity.
There was a silent auction and a whack of children there.
I hate kids. I really do. All that unbridled energy. I'm so glad I'm not a teacher. Actually I don't mind kids, there was just so many of them.
I purchased some desserts and saw one of the couples from the group and joined them. They were that older couple who went to the US and BC and came back to Brantford and rejoined our group. I really wanted to talk to them because I was curious about them and wanted to know more about their history. The man has been reading Steiner for 28 years and his career was as a chemistry teacher. He is like the Yoda of the group and he's also good at explaining anthroposophical ideas. I didn't get a chance to talk to his wife because she spent time with her granddaughter and taking her to the children's play area. She's a Waldorf teacher and is quite social and outgoing. She's good at opening people up and seems to have insight into people.
I've finished my first week of training at work. It seems to be going slow and I feel like I can learn more. There's 20 of us so maybe if it were a smaller group, we'd be progressing faster.
I sat with some people from my class during lunch and this one girl was going on about her boyfriend again. I was with her the other day and she spent all her time discussing her boyfriend because they plan on getting married. She seems like a nice girl. She's only 23 so I think back to when I was 23 (which really is only 3 years ago) so that I can better understand where she's coming from. Some of the girls in the class are around 22 or 23, some of the woman are over 30 and married with children and probably 2-3 or us are single and over 25 (which is where I fit in). We only have 2 guys, one who is 30 and married and the other 22.
This girl mentioned how her boyfriend puts her down and as soon as I heard that, a red flag goes up in my head. At the table is a married woman with a child (I'll call them MWC for short) and another 22 year old girl. So the MWC, a nice lady seems sweet, is giving advice to this girl. The 22 year old girl talks about her boyfriend and how sometimes they will yell and argue with each other - outdoors, while one is on one side of the street while the other is on the opposite.
Holy begeezers batman talk about dysfunctional relationships. It's just not healthy to be relating to someone like that. Yelling at each other on the street, at 3 am? Putting someone down?
Relationships are funny though.
I'm contemplating on whether I should completely withdraw myself from 'the dating scene'. I have a lot of things I want to learn and do, a lot of personal work that I am doing and I frankly just don't have the patience to invest my time meeting someone new wondering if this relationship is going to go anywhere.
I understand the idea life is a journey and a process but sometimes I just want to hurry it up and get everything done. Maybe it's because I'm from the instant gratification generation. I was more impatient when I was younger.
Being single sucks. I don't have a problem spending time by myself because I enjoy my company. Being single sucks when you want someone but can't find anyone suitable!
I'm not someone who likes to bitch and moan about stuff like this. After all, being alone, in the grand scheme of things, is not such a bad thing. I have my health, I live in a peaceful country, my home life is stable.
It sucks though.
I usually like to imagine myself in the future and using timelines to help me gain some perspective on events. A week feels like a month to me so I'll do a mental timeline. Here's an example: If I think about when I'm say 35, let's assume I find the right person when I'm 30. So that would mean I would be alone or dating freaks for 4 years but in the end everything works out. I as the 35 year see how unnecessary it is to get worked up over being single because dating freaks and being single for 4 years is not so bad. And since everything works out, what is the point of getting upset.
See using timelines is good for maintaining equanimity!
I feel better when I utilize timeline exercises like that, because I'm not really objective about time and doing them gives me some objectivity.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
I'm Becoming a Corporate Drone
Greetings and Salutations Fellow Trapped and Unfree Humanoids,
I began my new job this week. I don't want to be giving out too much information as it is too early for me to piss people off there. I will have plenty of time to do that later!
Anyways, we have 4 weeks of training and I feel I am getting used to the corporate environment and the company. I've spent most of my life as a temp and have had a few actual jobs. About 3 I believe, one of which was a 4 month contract position.
I've spent much of my early working years not tied to a company and it enabled me to witness the work environment and the general unhappiness that goes on in companies.
Now I am actually part of a corporate environment and actually need to show some concern about my environment and what's going on.
I can no longer just be a witness.
I'm learning the corporate policies and the corporate slogans. I'm having to listen to those quaint expressions companies use to motivate their employees.
Not only that but I get pictorial representations of their values!
By golly geepers aren't pictures just so pretty? And they are so much easier on the brain.
I'm not knocking the company.
Honestly it seems... I don't want to call it cool because well...
It's a company!
It's a corporation!
I don't want to become one of those people who go on and on about how they love their company and how their company saves lives, helps people and makes a difference in their lives.
Anyways, I've previously mentioned that it's an office and that I'm used to working in factories or warehouses and about how office people seem so much different from factory people. If you haven't read it, read it!
Anytime I meet someone in management - even if it was a factory, or an office worker, I always wonder what they are really like outside of work. Are they really angry people when they get home? Are they wife/husband beaters?
I think maybe I read into these things too much. Maybe they are just really boring and just go home eat watch tv and read porn.
We met most of the main management staff on our first day and I was amused by this one woman who spoke for about 7 minutes with us. She would speak and then smile. Speak and smile. Speak and smile.
It creeped me out a bit. It seemed so unnatural. I'm sure she's a nice person though.
I was getting horny in class as well today. The beginning of this week, was somewhat stressful for me since I was meeting a bunch of people and being dumped with information. It was around the middle of the day, around 1 or 11 when I was getting horny.
Some people might think it's fun to get horny at work, but it's not.
My vagina just screams out to me how it feels empty and wants a dick inside it. And I can't do anything about it while at work.
I can think about it, but I can't actually do anything about it.
Well I'm sure I won't become corporatefied.
I will maintain my individuality.
Thank you for visiting Lucid I - random thoughts from a Canadian. Smile.
It was a pleasure amusing you. Smile
Please come again! Smile.
Pull out gun.
Smile.
I began my new job this week. I don't want to be giving out too much information as it is too early for me to piss people off there. I will have plenty of time to do that later!
Anyways, we have 4 weeks of training and I feel I am getting used to the corporate environment and the company. I've spent most of my life as a temp and have had a few actual jobs. About 3 I believe, one of which was a 4 month contract position.
I've spent much of my early working years not tied to a company and it enabled me to witness the work environment and the general unhappiness that goes on in companies.
Now I am actually part of a corporate environment and actually need to show some concern about my environment and what's going on.
I can no longer just be a witness.
I'm learning the corporate policies and the corporate slogans. I'm having to listen to those quaint expressions companies use to motivate their employees.
Not only that but I get pictorial representations of their values!
By golly geepers aren't pictures just so pretty? And they are so much easier on the brain.
I'm not knocking the company.
Honestly it seems... I don't want to call it cool because well...
It's a company!
It's a corporation!
I don't want to become one of those people who go on and on about how they love their company and how their company saves lives, helps people and makes a difference in their lives.
Anyways, I've previously mentioned that it's an office and that I'm used to working in factories or warehouses and about how office people seem so much different from factory people. If you haven't read it, read it!
Anytime I meet someone in management - even if it was a factory, or an office worker, I always wonder what they are really like outside of work. Are they really angry people when they get home? Are they wife/husband beaters?
I think maybe I read into these things too much. Maybe they are just really boring and just go home eat watch tv and read porn.
We met most of the main management staff on our first day and I was amused by this one woman who spoke for about 7 minutes with us. She would speak and then smile. Speak and smile. Speak and smile.
It creeped me out a bit. It seemed so unnatural. I'm sure she's a nice person though.
I was getting horny in class as well today. The beginning of this week, was somewhat stressful for me since I was meeting a bunch of people and being dumped with information. It was around the middle of the day, around 1 or 11 when I was getting horny.
Some people might think it's fun to get horny at work, but it's not.
My vagina just screams out to me how it feels empty and wants a dick inside it. And I can't do anything about it while at work.
I can think about it, but I can't actually do anything about it.
Well I'm sure I won't become corporatefied.
I will maintain my individuality.
Thank you for visiting Lucid I - random thoughts from a Canadian. Smile.
It was a pleasure amusing you. Smile
Please come again! Smile.
Pull out gun.
Smile.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
The Boot
I've been without internet since Tuesday as I had a friend, who is simply known as "My Beloved Compatriot" fix the battery charger for my laptop. So I have had internet access since last night.
I don't know what's worse.
A week without internet or a week without sex?
I have taken a week off from working as I start my new job this Monday. I have been temping since June or July. I didn't call in available for this week but they put me on the availability list anyways. They called me twice after I even told them that I start a new job. They wanted me to work nights as well. Like I don't work nights, what makes you think I'd suddenly accept them? I've worked nights years ago and it was too physically draining for me.
Oh well.
I don't really know what to expect with this new job. My friend from high school works there and she says she enjoys it. I hope I do as well, but you just never know what's going to happen. You never really know what an employer will do.
I was a bit sick yesterday and today I was feeling worse. I basically slept most of my afternoon. I now have enough strength to ask people for sympathy.
Ahem... sympathy please...
I hate being sick but it's also an enjoyable feeling as well. Not like, you know having an orgasm enjoyable. I think the soul appreciates all experiences of life, even if they are 'negative'. I know it sounds strange. Being sick is a process of life and any process of life deserves respect.
I'm so helpless when I'm sick. I don't have the energy to do anything. I just like wallowing in my own misery in my bed.
Anyways, my post is entitled the boot because last Saturday, the guy I was seeing gave me the boot. Oh well. It sucks getting the boot. Even if you've only gone out twice and chatted on the phone several times.
At least I learned from him how to mute my guitar strings. I've gotten some guitar tabs and sometimes they place an x on a string and that means you don't play it. So in one of my guitar chords books, it features an x on the second or third string and I just didn't get how you can not not play a string that's in the middle. I can understand not playing the first or the last string but how you can strum and avoid a string in the middle? It boggled my workin' class mind! So I asked the guy I was seeing as he plays guitar as well, how to play a chord like that. So now I know.
I can at least take that positive experience from seeing him...
Speaking of guitars, I went yesterday to Costco with my mother in Burlington and they had an electric guitar with an amp and I was playing with it for a while.
That's right cocksuckers I was rocking out amongst Burlington pussy.
I am the sole individual who made the Costco in Burlington significantly less uptight and more rocked out!
Woooooo doggy!
We're farming now!
I went shopping as well and got a neat black hat with a skull on it. I normally don't like those types of clothes, you know the ones with weird things like skulls, but I thought it was cool. Plus the eye sockets are shaped like hearts.
And in anthroposophical news...
I finished reading Social Issues a week ago I think. I might talk about it later because I feel quite tired. One quote I found was quite interesting and it was related to medical science.
I started reading World Economy as well. It's got 14 lectures. His style is interesting. He's presenting such expansive concepts and what he talks about in the beginning of his lecture cycle, doesn't start making sense until the end. I've finished lecture 4. I read this book about 5 years ago. I think it's important to really understand what economic science is about and really grasp the concepts of what is an economy. Accurate observation and the formation of precise concepts and ideas are things you train when you get into and make an effort to understand his work. Well life in general teaches you this, however, anthroposophy accelerates this task.
I don't know what's worse.
A week without internet or a week without sex?
I have taken a week off from working as I start my new job this Monday. I have been temping since June or July. I didn't call in available for this week but they put me on the availability list anyways. They called me twice after I even told them that I start a new job. They wanted me to work nights as well. Like I don't work nights, what makes you think I'd suddenly accept them? I've worked nights years ago and it was too physically draining for me.
Oh well.
I don't really know what to expect with this new job. My friend from high school works there and she says she enjoys it. I hope I do as well, but you just never know what's going to happen. You never really know what an employer will do.
I was a bit sick yesterday and today I was feeling worse. I basically slept most of my afternoon. I now have enough strength to ask people for sympathy.
Ahem... sympathy please...
I hate being sick but it's also an enjoyable feeling as well. Not like, you know having an orgasm enjoyable. I think the soul appreciates all experiences of life, even if they are 'negative'. I know it sounds strange. Being sick is a process of life and any process of life deserves respect.
I'm so helpless when I'm sick. I don't have the energy to do anything. I just like wallowing in my own misery in my bed.
Anyways, my post is entitled the boot because last Saturday, the guy I was seeing gave me the boot. Oh well. It sucks getting the boot. Even if you've only gone out twice and chatted on the phone several times.
At least I learned from him how to mute my guitar strings. I've gotten some guitar tabs and sometimes they place an x on a string and that means you don't play it. So in one of my guitar chords books, it features an x on the second or third string and I just didn't get how you can not not play a string that's in the middle. I can understand not playing the first or the last string but how you can strum and avoid a string in the middle? It boggled my workin' class mind! So I asked the guy I was seeing as he plays guitar as well, how to play a chord like that. So now I know.
I can at least take that positive experience from seeing him...
Speaking of guitars, I went yesterday to Costco with my mother in Burlington and they had an electric guitar with an amp and I was playing with it for a while.
That's right cocksuckers I was rocking out amongst Burlington pussy.
I am the sole individual who made the Costco in Burlington significantly less uptight and more rocked out!
Woooooo doggy!
We're farming now!
I went shopping as well and got a neat black hat with a skull on it. I normally don't like those types of clothes, you know the ones with weird things like skulls, but I thought it was cool. Plus the eye sockets are shaped like hearts.
And in anthroposophical news...
I finished reading Social Issues a week ago I think. I might talk about it later because I feel quite tired. One quote I found was quite interesting and it was related to medical science.
I started reading World Economy as well. It's got 14 lectures. His style is interesting. He's presenting such expansive concepts and what he talks about in the beginning of his lecture cycle, doesn't start making sense until the end. I've finished lecture 4. I read this book about 5 years ago. I think it's important to really understand what economic science is about and really grasp the concepts of what is an economy. Accurate observation and the formation of precise concepts and ideas are things you train when you get into and make an effort to understand his work. Well life in general teaches you this, however, anthroposophy accelerates this task.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Where's the Rhythm?
My life feels so rhythmless now. I want some routine in my life. I do have some routine. I'm going to be starting a new job on the 21st and I'm going to take a week off. I've been doing temp work and so my schedule is unpredictable. I have a somewhat high tolerance for unpredictability but I long for routine and order.
My 2 current 40 day mantra meditation disciplines are going well. I am experiencing emotional purging. I choose to not share my experiences at this point as I am still in the middle of the process.
I have also added on another 40 day mantra discipline and I started on Sunday. It is for my eyes. I thought I'd have to do 2 mantras, but I only have to do one as the other was for blindness (I believe literal blindness, not metaphorically).
I have been working on improving my vision for over a year. I have done lots of research and experimenting and I know that it is possible for me to strengthen my eyes. I have actually managed to improve my vision in the beginning of this year by .5 diopter in both eyes. I do not wear a full prescription as well. I wear 20/40 or is it 40/20? prescription most of the time. I wear an even weaker prescription when reading or at home. I found when I wore my full prescription, it was a stress on my eyes. My eyes and the area around my eyes hold such a great deal of tension. I do massage around my eyes but the tension is so stubborn. I do eye stretches and circular rotations and sometimes do zooming near/far exercises.
I've tried a hypnosis program for vision improvement and a few days afterwards I had a dream where I could see clearly. I think that program has helped my mind learn how to see because there was a nice session where you visualize yourself being able to see like an eagle and seeing precise details from a distance.
I tried another hypnosis session. It tackled the vision problem from another angle and so after listening to it like once or twice, I also had a dream where I could see clearly.
Like these dreams were specifically about me being able to see clearly. I believe many health disorders have a psychological component to them as well. So I think healing oneself emotionally can have a vast affect on the health of the individual.
I started learning qigong this April and learned about an eye qiqong workshop. I took one in Toronto and most of the exercises we learned was stuff I already knew. The instructor was a Qigong Master and so he knew how to send out qi (or chi) to people to help them.
That night I had a dream where I was able to see clearly.
For a few weeks I would palm my eyes and I talk to them silently, letting them know they are safe and loved.
This whole process has been so long but I believe my glasses are a crutch for me. I've had too many dreams where I can see clearly so I know my subconscious knows it's possible. Even last month I had a dream that I was able to see clearly and I wasn't doing anything new or what not. I was able to produce that dream out of my own inner volition.
I don't want to get laser eye surgery because I think that's the lazy man's way to a solution.
My whole philosophy in life is to get to the core of problems, to explore issues deeply.
I don't settle for simple and superficial bandaid solutions.
My eyes are my last defense system.
I just need the right exercise to tip the scales and break down the resistance.
So this is where I think my mantra discipline fits in. In the first few minutes I used it, I was crying. I don't understand the science of how mantras work but I definitely believe using sound, particularly your own voice, can create change in oneself.
I'm scared though but I can see the bigger picture and that vision I can see is much more powerful then my fear. This vision I have is what keeps me going.
All I can do is surrender.
My 2 current 40 day mantra meditation disciplines are going well. I am experiencing emotional purging. I choose to not share my experiences at this point as I am still in the middle of the process.
I have also added on another 40 day mantra discipline and I started on Sunday. It is for my eyes. I thought I'd have to do 2 mantras, but I only have to do one as the other was for blindness (I believe literal blindness, not metaphorically).
I have been working on improving my vision for over a year. I have done lots of research and experimenting and I know that it is possible for me to strengthen my eyes. I have actually managed to improve my vision in the beginning of this year by .5 diopter in both eyes. I do not wear a full prescription as well. I wear 20/40 or is it 40/20? prescription most of the time. I wear an even weaker prescription when reading or at home. I found when I wore my full prescription, it was a stress on my eyes. My eyes and the area around my eyes hold such a great deal of tension. I do massage around my eyes but the tension is so stubborn. I do eye stretches and circular rotations and sometimes do zooming near/far exercises.
I've tried a hypnosis program for vision improvement and a few days afterwards I had a dream where I could see clearly. I think that program has helped my mind learn how to see because there was a nice session where you visualize yourself being able to see like an eagle and seeing precise details from a distance.
I tried another hypnosis session. It tackled the vision problem from another angle and so after listening to it like once or twice, I also had a dream where I could see clearly.
Like these dreams were specifically about me being able to see clearly. I believe many health disorders have a psychological component to them as well. So I think healing oneself emotionally can have a vast affect on the health of the individual.
I started learning qigong this April and learned about an eye qiqong workshop. I took one in Toronto and most of the exercises we learned was stuff I already knew. The instructor was a Qigong Master and so he knew how to send out qi (or chi) to people to help them.
That night I had a dream where I was able to see clearly.
For a few weeks I would palm my eyes and I talk to them silently, letting them know they are safe and loved.
This whole process has been so long but I believe my glasses are a crutch for me. I've had too many dreams where I can see clearly so I know my subconscious knows it's possible. Even last month I had a dream that I was able to see clearly and I wasn't doing anything new or what not. I was able to produce that dream out of my own inner volition.
I don't want to get laser eye surgery because I think that's the lazy man's way to a solution.
My whole philosophy in life is to get to the core of problems, to explore issues deeply.
I don't settle for simple and superficial bandaid solutions.
My eyes are my last defense system.
I just need the right exercise to tip the scales and break down the resistance.
So this is where I think my mantra discipline fits in. In the first few minutes I used it, I was crying. I don't understand the science of how mantras work but I definitely believe using sound, particularly your own voice, can create change in oneself.
I'm scared though but I can see the bigger picture and that vision I can see is much more powerful then my fear. This vision I have is what keeps me going.
All I can do is surrender.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Save me from the furniture
My parents are homebodies. They just spent some of their inheritance money on furniture like a sofa and one of those television cabinets. The problem is there is enough clutter and excessive furniture in the house. My grandfather passed away this year and my granny moved into a retirement home so we got some of her furniture. We got their dresser from their bedroom and other useless nitnacks like fridge magnets and dishes and towels. My parents have our old sofa out in the garage and we now have a tv cabinet in our kitchen.
I told my mother we have more furniture in our house than a furniture store.
I told my mother that they need to get rid of stuff and simplify. I reminded her that when they die, that I don't want to be the one to have to clean up and get rid of their excessive - and useless I might add - possessions. She knows what a pain in the ass it is to deal with people's stuff when they die.
I often use death as a motivator in my life.
When I was in high school, I had a crush on this guy who was 2 years older then me (I was in grade 11). Our school had some event where we could send roses to people for Valentines Day. There were 3 colours, one for love, one for friendship and one for a crush. So I had one sent to my crush and for months I wanted to ask him out or talk to him or something but I was too scared. Soon June arrived and since he was in grade 13, I figure I have to tell him that I sent him the rose because I'll never see him again. I passed his locker and chickened out but I saw one of my friends in the hallway and told her I wanted to tell him and I received enough confidence to go up to him to tell him.
My god he was tall and hot.
So I went up to him and my hands are shaking and my palms are sweating and my voice is shaking and I'm extremely nervous.
He asks me why am I shaking.
I was too focused on what I needed to say and so I told him it was me that sent him that rose. He asked me which way I was going. Although I figured out before where he goes for his classes and I knew which class he had and where it was, I actually responded that I was going upstairs, in the opposite direction he normally goes.
It took me a while to realize afterwards that that was his way of being friendly and maybe something could have happened between us.
What motivated me to tell him that I had a crush on him?
It was because I thought that I don't want to let fear keep me from living.
The teenage years are an intense period.
The thought of possibly dying without telling this guy whom I had a huge crush on and whom I so adored was too painful. He consumed my thoughts during school and after school. So this is how death motivated me.
Death still motivates me today.
I don't want to waste my time getting angry over things or being fearful of things that never happen.
I don't want to die with unfinished business.
I told my mother we have more furniture in our house than a furniture store.
I told my mother that they need to get rid of stuff and simplify. I reminded her that when they die, that I don't want to be the one to have to clean up and get rid of their excessive - and useless I might add - possessions. She knows what a pain in the ass it is to deal with people's stuff when they die.
I often use death as a motivator in my life.
When I was in high school, I had a crush on this guy who was 2 years older then me (I was in grade 11). Our school had some event where we could send roses to people for Valentines Day. There were 3 colours, one for love, one for friendship and one for a crush. So I had one sent to my crush and for months I wanted to ask him out or talk to him or something but I was too scared. Soon June arrived and since he was in grade 13, I figure I have to tell him that I sent him the rose because I'll never see him again. I passed his locker and chickened out but I saw one of my friends in the hallway and told her I wanted to tell him and I received enough confidence to go up to him to tell him.
My god he was tall and hot.
So I went up to him and my hands are shaking and my palms are sweating and my voice is shaking and I'm extremely nervous.
He asks me why am I shaking.
I was too focused on what I needed to say and so I told him it was me that sent him that rose. He asked me which way I was going. Although I figured out before where he goes for his classes and I knew which class he had and where it was, I actually responded that I was going upstairs, in the opposite direction he normally goes.
It took me a while to realize afterwards that that was his way of being friendly and maybe something could have happened between us.
What motivated me to tell him that I had a crush on him?
It was because I thought that I don't want to let fear keep me from living.
The teenage years are an intense period.
The thought of possibly dying without telling this guy whom I had a huge crush on and whom I so adored was too painful. He consumed my thoughts during school and after school. So this is how death motivated me.
Death still motivates me today.
I don't want to waste my time getting angry over things or being fearful of things that never happen.
I don't want to die with unfinished business.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Girth is Good
Today is Halloween.
Halloween I'd have to say is probably my all time favourite holiday.
Sure life sucks sometimes, you have to deal with prices of things always going up, people being ignorant etc, etc, however when Halloween rolls around and people open their doors to children giving them candy, for this one evening, I feel all is well with the world.
Think about what Halloween represents. It's an event where we all agree to give candy to kids that we don't know all because they get dressed up.
Halloween touches my heart because I love candy and Halloween was something I always got excited for. I wasn't into getting dressed up, I was just in it for the candy. I always thought the getting dressed up part was lame. Just get a mother fucking pillow case to hold your candy and fucking go. Fuck this costume crap. The whole getting dressed up part takes the focus away from the main purpose of Halloween: getting the most free candy as possible in the shortest possible time.
Halloween was about candy efficiency. You never waste your time going down a 30 house block where only 5 are lit. You go to the streets with the most lit houses.
I didn't give out candy this year (worked late), but I did last year, which was my first time. I had this fear of the children. I usually feel some level of fear when meeting people for the first time so that was part of why I didn't want to give candy to children. My mother usually does it. But I overcame my fear of giving out candy last year. I took my guitar with me on my porch and would play and give out candy. Not too many kids come in my neighborhood. Usually 10-15. It felt good to give back to the community, to give what I so enjoyed taking from people.
I had myself a date on Saturday. I enjoyed it. I'm now wondering when should I put out. I hear stories of married women who didn't even kiss their to-be-husband in the beginning. When is a good time to put out? I'm not a slut. I like sex though. I am mindful with my sexuality. I like to feel some level of intellectual and emotional connection as well.
My dictionary defines slut as: "a promiscuous woman".
Frankly, I was quite disappointed with this short entry. I specifically bought this dictionary because it had swear words like fuck, pussy, cunt and asshole. All of these definitions had several long descriptions.
I'm not lying, these words are really in my dictionary. It's the Canadian Oxford paperback.
So my question is, does having sex early on in a relationship make the woman appear easy?
I don't like the idea of waiting to have sex. I find it better to get it over with early on in the relationship, otherwise all I'll think about is wanting to get laid and wondering what he's like in bed. At least if we have sex early on, we can better focus on getting to know each other because we'd have fulfilled our sexual needs.
Frankly I'll just use a metafuckaphor to better explain because that's what I like to do.
If your hungry, which is a basic human need, you hit a certain point where if you are not eating and getting your basic needs met, all you do is think about food. If at least you ate something, then your body will be satisfied and your mind will be able to focus on other important things instead of food.
So I probably should have sex with this person asap otherwise I'll never really get to know him. I'll just be too busy fantasizing...
One argument for waiting to put out goes as following:
From a man's perspective, if a woman puts out early, doesn't that just make you lose interest to a degree? Isn't it about the thrill of the hunt? Once you get your prey (i.e. sex), really where is the thrill?
My counter argument goes as following:
The thrill is the continual getting of some. This whole idea of thrill of the hunt is ridiculous.
Frankly if you are a man who is just into chasing you need to grow the fuck up.
Fuck the woman.
Then fuck her again.
Then fuck her some more.
How fucking hard is that?
Halloween I'd have to say is probably my all time favourite holiday.
Sure life sucks sometimes, you have to deal with prices of things always going up, people being ignorant etc, etc, however when Halloween rolls around and people open their doors to children giving them candy, for this one evening, I feel all is well with the world.
Think about what Halloween represents. It's an event where we all agree to give candy to kids that we don't know all because they get dressed up.
Halloween touches my heart because I love candy and Halloween was something I always got excited for. I wasn't into getting dressed up, I was just in it for the candy. I always thought the getting dressed up part was lame. Just get a mother fucking pillow case to hold your candy and fucking go. Fuck this costume crap. The whole getting dressed up part takes the focus away from the main purpose of Halloween: getting the most free candy as possible in the shortest possible time.
Halloween was about candy efficiency. You never waste your time going down a 30 house block where only 5 are lit. You go to the streets with the most lit houses.
I didn't give out candy this year (worked late), but I did last year, which was my first time. I had this fear of the children. I usually feel some level of fear when meeting people for the first time so that was part of why I didn't want to give candy to children. My mother usually does it. But I overcame my fear of giving out candy last year. I took my guitar with me on my porch and would play and give out candy. Not too many kids come in my neighborhood. Usually 10-15. It felt good to give back to the community, to give what I so enjoyed taking from people.
I had myself a date on Saturday. I enjoyed it. I'm now wondering when should I put out. I hear stories of married women who didn't even kiss their to-be-husband in the beginning. When is a good time to put out? I'm not a slut. I like sex though. I am mindful with my sexuality. I like to feel some level of intellectual and emotional connection as well.
My dictionary defines slut as: "a promiscuous woman".
Frankly, I was quite disappointed with this short entry. I specifically bought this dictionary because it had swear words like fuck, pussy, cunt and asshole. All of these definitions had several long descriptions.
I'm not lying, these words are really in my dictionary. It's the Canadian Oxford paperback.
So my question is, does having sex early on in a relationship make the woman appear easy?
I don't like the idea of waiting to have sex. I find it better to get it over with early on in the relationship, otherwise all I'll think about is wanting to get laid and wondering what he's like in bed. At least if we have sex early on, we can better focus on getting to know each other because we'd have fulfilled our sexual needs.
Frankly I'll just use a metafuckaphor to better explain because that's what I like to do.
If your hungry, which is a basic human need, you hit a certain point where if you are not eating and getting your basic needs met, all you do is think about food. If at least you ate something, then your body will be satisfied and your mind will be able to focus on other important things instead of food.
So I probably should have sex with this person asap otherwise I'll never really get to know him. I'll just be too busy fantasizing...
One argument for waiting to put out goes as following:
From a man's perspective, if a woman puts out early, doesn't that just make you lose interest to a degree? Isn't it about the thrill of the hunt? Once you get your prey (i.e. sex), really where is the thrill?
My counter argument goes as following:
The thrill is the continual getting of some. This whole idea of thrill of the hunt is ridiculous.
Frankly if you are a man who is just into chasing you need to grow the fuck up.
Fuck the woman.
Then fuck her again.
Then fuck her some more.
How fucking hard is that?
Friday, October 28, 2005
Financial Times
I found out that the new job I'll be going to has moved the start date from the 16th to the 21st. So that means I have to temp for 3 more weeks! They gave me a work schedule and I don't know how often they change schedules but I at least get my Thursdays and Sundays off which means I'll be able to attend things that I value, like my improv and my study group.
I've purchased last week these 3 mantra programs from amazon.ca by Thomas Ashley-Farrand. I took out a mantra cd of his from the library entitled A Beginners Guide to Mantra Meditation. I really liked it as an introductory to mantras and have decided to undertake a 40 day mantra meditation. I am meditating on my throat chakra and the seed sound for that is ham (sounds like hum). I began it on the 17th and will do it for 6 weeks. I've done mantra chanting before and find it to be an effective tool for clearing the mind and bringing subconscious or unconscious issues to awareness. I have a few issues I would like to work out. I've been consciously working on my inner self for about 8 years and I can actually say I am getting to the point where I feel that I have transformed myself to the person that I have envisioned myself to be. There are a few more things to work on but I really feel solid inwardly.
One of my areas which I am trying to be at peace with is my relationship to money. I was always a saver as a child and I didn't understand how people can be so frivolous with their money. But I also have a greedy aspect with that in that I just want to keep it all and keep acquiring. I just want to hoard the money.
I spent some time reading books on how to manage your money and various philosophies on money management. I have attended one or two financial workshops as well. I decided to get into small businesses that didn't really require much of my time. I came across an ad a few years ago where you could purchase debit terminals and a company would manage that and you would get a portion of the user fee. I decided to make that investment because point of sale terminals are becoming quite popular. I purchased 12 of them and took out a loan. There's a difference between good debt and bad debt. Bad debt is wasting all your money on useless things that in time, will never put money in your pocket whereas good debt will. I figured that I would be making enough money to cover my loan. I took a 4 year $30,000 loan which would cost me approximately $764 a month. I was expecting to make $900 a month. The company gave information on projected profits and I thought $900 was a reasonable profit. Or maybe that was the greed. I completed my business transaction December 19, 2002.
I ended up making around $500 to $530 a month. I was upset because here I was thinking I'd be making more and I wasn't. What did I do wrong? Things weren't going according to plan. I was supposed to make $900 and take a small profit and in 4 years, can work less.
This year the company made an offer to trade in the terminals you own into stock. I did that and I now get a quarterly dividend cheque. Unfortunately I now had to pay my monthly loan in full with my own money, which become really hard since I got let go at my job in February due to not enough work. I was on Employment Insurance for 6 months. I was reluctant to collect it; I'm a rugged individualist, I don't like handouts. I realized that I pay into it and I have a right to collect it. And I probably may not need to use it at all in the future so I didn't need to feel ashamed about needing help, especially if I've paid into it.
A few months after I purchased these terminals, I heard about a small business convention in Toronto which I attended. I saw 2 businesses that looked like I could do and that could be profitable. I wanted money so that I could move out on my own and live a decent lifestyle. I was getting sick of working as a temp and I wanted more free time so that I could pursue a creative lifestyle. I'm not a highly materialistic person. I just wanted enough money for a car, clothes and books and other miscellaneous fun stuff.
I ended up going with the 2 businesses, one of which I'm still too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone. I paid that one with cash, $8000 of which I wonder if I'll ever get to see back. About 1 month into the business, I realized that I didn't like doing it. I don't know the legalities of small business but I wanted my money back. I wrote them a letter last year but haven't heard from them. I don't know if I should speak to a lawyer but I read my contract and it doesn't look like I can get my money back.
The other business I got into was a gumball vending machine business. I went with 25 of them (which was the lowest package offer the had). They had a package for 50 or 100 machines. I thought this one would do well based on the company's projected profits. I thought I could make $1000 a month. I got a lease and the company has a company that they deal with for leases. My lease is 3 years and it's $540 a month.
Part of my proceeds goes towards a charity and that's one way of being able to secure a location. I collected about $200-300 a month. I now service half every other month and the rest as well, every other month.
I just have so much hatred for this business that I am responsible for. I want to sell it or maybe the leasing company will take it back. I just don't want it! Maybe there is someone out there who would enjoy this task, but not me. Every business has problems but if you like what you do, then you probably can tolerate the problems. But I was just in it for the money, and so whatever problem I am encountering in this business, frustrates me. I don't care about it and it's just not healthy to be involved in activities that you don't care about. I still do a good job but I'm so unhappy in this small area of my life.
So one of the programs that I purchased from Thomas Ashley-Farrand is his Financial Abundance program. I've used Wayne Dyer's Meditations for Manifesting where he uses 2 mantras, one for focusing on what you want to create and attract into your life and the other one for focusing on the things in your life you are grateful for. I enjoyed doing them. I've meditated silently before but I think using a mantra and chanting out loud, is more potent and effective. I'm not sure but I feel more active when I chant.
There's 2 mantras, one for removing obstacles towards abundance and the other for abundance. There are a bunch more but on the CD program, it lists these 2 as the basic. I am starting my 40 day discipline today and have already done my daily practice today.
I realized a few days ago that I am not at peace with myself in this area. I want to find the right person soon and get married. That means I will merge my life with someone else. How can I merge my financial life with someone else if I don't even have peace with my own financial life?
I've got to clean up this mess and develop a healthy relationship to money. I am at war with myself. I feel so ashamed about my mistakes. I feel so stupid.
My greed... who are you?
What are you?
So I'm taking control and I'm going to kick this financial problem in the ass. My ego is going to take a beaten' but peace is all I want.
I've purchased last week these 3 mantra programs from amazon.ca by Thomas Ashley-Farrand. I took out a mantra cd of his from the library entitled A Beginners Guide to Mantra Meditation. I really liked it as an introductory to mantras and have decided to undertake a 40 day mantra meditation. I am meditating on my throat chakra and the seed sound for that is ham (sounds like hum). I began it on the 17th and will do it for 6 weeks. I've done mantra chanting before and find it to be an effective tool for clearing the mind and bringing subconscious or unconscious issues to awareness. I have a few issues I would like to work out. I've been consciously working on my inner self for about 8 years and I can actually say I am getting to the point where I feel that I have transformed myself to the person that I have envisioned myself to be. There are a few more things to work on but I really feel solid inwardly.
One of my areas which I am trying to be at peace with is my relationship to money. I was always a saver as a child and I didn't understand how people can be so frivolous with their money. But I also have a greedy aspect with that in that I just want to keep it all and keep acquiring. I just want to hoard the money.
I spent some time reading books on how to manage your money and various philosophies on money management. I have attended one or two financial workshops as well. I decided to get into small businesses that didn't really require much of my time. I came across an ad a few years ago where you could purchase debit terminals and a company would manage that and you would get a portion of the user fee. I decided to make that investment because point of sale terminals are becoming quite popular. I purchased 12 of them and took out a loan. There's a difference between good debt and bad debt. Bad debt is wasting all your money on useless things that in time, will never put money in your pocket whereas good debt will. I figured that I would be making enough money to cover my loan. I took a 4 year $30,000 loan which would cost me approximately $764 a month. I was expecting to make $900 a month. The company gave information on projected profits and I thought $900 was a reasonable profit. Or maybe that was the greed. I completed my business transaction December 19, 2002.
I ended up making around $500 to $530 a month. I was upset because here I was thinking I'd be making more and I wasn't. What did I do wrong? Things weren't going according to plan. I was supposed to make $900 and take a small profit and in 4 years, can work less.
This year the company made an offer to trade in the terminals you own into stock. I did that and I now get a quarterly dividend cheque. Unfortunately I now had to pay my monthly loan in full with my own money, which become really hard since I got let go at my job in February due to not enough work. I was on Employment Insurance for 6 months. I was reluctant to collect it; I'm a rugged individualist, I don't like handouts. I realized that I pay into it and I have a right to collect it. And I probably may not need to use it at all in the future so I didn't need to feel ashamed about needing help, especially if I've paid into it.
A few months after I purchased these terminals, I heard about a small business convention in Toronto which I attended. I saw 2 businesses that looked like I could do and that could be profitable. I wanted money so that I could move out on my own and live a decent lifestyle. I was getting sick of working as a temp and I wanted more free time so that I could pursue a creative lifestyle. I'm not a highly materialistic person. I just wanted enough money for a car, clothes and books and other miscellaneous fun stuff.
I ended up going with the 2 businesses, one of which I'm still too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone. I paid that one with cash, $8000 of which I wonder if I'll ever get to see back. About 1 month into the business, I realized that I didn't like doing it. I don't know the legalities of small business but I wanted my money back. I wrote them a letter last year but haven't heard from them. I don't know if I should speak to a lawyer but I read my contract and it doesn't look like I can get my money back.
The other business I got into was a gumball vending machine business. I went with 25 of them (which was the lowest package offer the had). They had a package for 50 or 100 machines. I thought this one would do well based on the company's projected profits. I thought I could make $1000 a month. I got a lease and the company has a company that they deal with for leases. My lease is 3 years and it's $540 a month.
Part of my proceeds goes towards a charity and that's one way of being able to secure a location. I collected about $200-300 a month. I now service half every other month and the rest as well, every other month.
I just have so much hatred for this business that I am responsible for. I want to sell it or maybe the leasing company will take it back. I just don't want it! Maybe there is someone out there who would enjoy this task, but not me. Every business has problems but if you like what you do, then you probably can tolerate the problems. But I was just in it for the money, and so whatever problem I am encountering in this business, frustrates me. I don't care about it and it's just not healthy to be involved in activities that you don't care about. I still do a good job but I'm so unhappy in this small area of my life.
So one of the programs that I purchased from Thomas Ashley-Farrand is his Financial Abundance program. I've used Wayne Dyer's Meditations for Manifesting where he uses 2 mantras, one for focusing on what you want to create and attract into your life and the other one for focusing on the things in your life you are grateful for. I enjoyed doing them. I've meditated silently before but I think using a mantra and chanting out loud, is more potent and effective. I'm not sure but I feel more active when I chant.
There's 2 mantras, one for removing obstacles towards abundance and the other for abundance. There are a bunch more but on the CD program, it lists these 2 as the basic. I am starting my 40 day discipline today and have already done my daily practice today.
I realized a few days ago that I am not at peace with myself in this area. I want to find the right person soon and get married. That means I will merge my life with someone else. How can I merge my financial life with someone else if I don't even have peace with my own financial life?
I've got to clean up this mess and develop a healthy relationship to money. I am at war with myself. I feel so ashamed about my mistakes. I feel so stupid.
My greed... who are you?
What are you?
So I'm taking control and I'm going to kick this financial problem in the ass. My ego is going to take a beaten' but peace is all I want.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Rant Time
Greetings and Salutations successful embryos,
I feel like ranting and so that is what I will do.
You have been warned!
I am bored now and have already amused myself these past few days with reading, guitar and qigong. I also made an icosahedron from construction paper. I made a dodecahedron last month but I did not make my pentagons precise enough (it's composed of 12 pentagons). Whereas my icosahedron is composed of 20 equilaterial triangles, which is easier to make precisely.
That's right cocksuckers, I'm a fucking math and geometry nerd. That's right when I was a kid I excelled at math. I secretly enjoyed doing all sorts of math formulas and was quite delighted in grade 4 when we made geometric shapes out of paper. Yeah fucking cyclinders are cool. I liked math.
There mother fuckers I'm coming out the closet!
One day I will create new math, just like Newton.
I've even had dreams about math formulas I've never seen. Mind you that's happened a few times and I was not able to make sense of them. But all in due time folks, all in due time, the world will bow to my inner genius!
People like me are so misunderstood. They do not see what lives in our souls. It is only the sensitive and socially aware people who comprehend great souls such as myself.
Delusional you say? Filled with egotism?
Delusional no, filled with egotism why yes of course.
That's why I entitled this entry, rant time.
It is time for me to lash out at the world.
Time for me to complain!
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
Damn you all narcistic fools!
Damn all of you folks in your little cocoons, unable to go beyond your small existence!
Do you not concern your souls with the meaning of life?
Do you not concern yourself with death and life?
Do you not concern yourself with who really are the people that you meet?
Do you not concern yourself with how much garbage and useless stuff we are creating on this earth? What is the solution to our excessive consumer and industrial waste?
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
The world is lucky that great souls such as myself, inspite of our rage, have great compassion and tolerance for the ignorance, shortsightedness and selfishness of people.
Damn you world!
My only choice is tolerance and compassion!
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
Why can't I be cold and heartless!
Why can't I turn my back against the world!
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
I feel like ranting and so that is what I will do.
You have been warned!
I am bored now and have already amused myself these past few days with reading, guitar and qigong. I also made an icosahedron from construction paper. I made a dodecahedron last month but I did not make my pentagons precise enough (it's composed of 12 pentagons). Whereas my icosahedron is composed of 20 equilaterial triangles, which is easier to make precisely.
That's right cocksuckers, I'm a fucking math and geometry nerd. That's right when I was a kid I excelled at math. I secretly enjoyed doing all sorts of math formulas and was quite delighted in grade 4 when we made geometric shapes out of paper. Yeah fucking cyclinders are cool. I liked math.
There mother fuckers I'm coming out the closet!
One day I will create new math, just like Newton.
I've even had dreams about math formulas I've never seen. Mind you that's happened a few times and I was not able to make sense of them. But all in due time folks, all in due time, the world will bow to my inner genius!
People like me are so misunderstood. They do not see what lives in our souls. It is only the sensitive and socially aware people who comprehend great souls such as myself.
Delusional you say? Filled with egotism?
Delusional no, filled with egotism why yes of course.
That's why I entitled this entry, rant time.
It is time for me to lash out at the world.
Time for me to complain!
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
Damn you all narcistic fools!
Damn all of you folks in your little cocoons, unable to go beyond your small existence!
Do you not concern your souls with the meaning of life?
Do you not concern yourself with death and life?
Do you not concern yourself with who really are the people that you meet?
Do you not concern yourself with how much garbage and useless stuff we are creating on this earth? What is the solution to our excessive consumer and industrial waste?
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
The world is lucky that great souls such as myself, inspite of our rage, have great compassion and tolerance for the ignorance, shortsightedness and selfishness of people.
Damn you world!
My only choice is tolerance and compassion!
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
Why can't I be cold and heartless!
Why can't I turn my back against the world!
I shake my fist in the air in rage!
Monday, October 24, 2005
My experience at the World Rock Paper Scissors Championship
Greetings and Salutations fellow homosapiens,
I attended the World RPS tournment which was on the 22nd of October. I went by myself and my focus was strictly on competing to win. The venue was in Toronto at the Steam Whistle Brewery. It was a nice venue as I believe they make beer there as well. I had to wait in line in the rain for about 30 minutes and as soon as I got there, a long lineup started to form behind me.
Behind me was this group of French speaking youngins' who had black and white skeleton makeup on. I saw a lot of people dressed up in team uniforms. There were some normal people there as well not dressed up. At least half the people were dressed up. The age range seemed predominantly people in their early to mid 20s. There were older people there as well.
I pre-registered online so I was guaranteed a spot. There's only a certain number of people allowed to compete. I was number 418. They give all contestants a RPS pin and a RPS card game. Seriously why is a game like this in card format?
Anyways, there are 16 areas set up and I was set to participate in wave 4 of the preliminary rounds.
I started scoping out the scene to see what kind of throws people would throw out first. There was a group of guys dressed up in Blue Jay outfits and someone on their team was dressed in a wedding gown. I went over to my area and asked when wave 4 begins but they were on the second wave. I was getting bored because I wanted to play. When you register, they give you $5 in fun bucks and you use that to compete with others when participating in Street RPS. At first when I read about street rps online I thought it meant that people would actually be on the street competing but it meant that people are competing in the venue for fun. So if I challenge someone to street RPS, I'd put down my fun money and they as well and whoever wins best 3 of 3 keeps the money. In the end of the night, the top 4 compete for real money.
I was observing the street RPS and there was a team from Norway. Three of them were young and one of them was probably around 9. I'm not sure how old he was but when I started watching him compete in street rps, he seemed undefeated and I saw him compete several times and win. I thought the age requirement was 19.
A part of me didn't want to see this kid get beaten. But at some point this kid will lose a round. Who wants to see a kid learn this lesson at such a young age? And whoever beats him is probably going to feel some level of guilt because the money they take was money from a kid.
On the other hand, I wanted to see this kid lose. An RPS competition like this should be for adults. Have a separate event for kids! If a kid is always winning, he'll get arrogant. And why should a kid win just cause he's a kid. If he wants to play with the big boys, we shouldn't have to throw a game just cause we're playing with a kid.
Also a few people had videocameras and cameras and some guy got this girl to lift her top off while he cupped her boobs in front of a camera and video. I don't know if the guy knew this girl.
American slut I bet.
Seriously, no other girl was behaving like that. I don't have a problem with chicks flashing their boobs but it all depends on the context of the situation.
Attention grabbing American slut I say!
At one point I sat down and some guy chatted up with me. I get quite restless sometimes so I had to move around some more and then sat back down. I was sitting again near the washroom when some guy asked me if he could trust me to hold his beer as he went to the washroom since you can't take beer in there. I didn't have to think twice about my trustworthiness and I said yes. He said I could drink some if I wanted to but I'm a Guiness girl. Drinking regular beer is like drinking water for me. He seemed to be taking a long time and I just felt like leaving because I was getting restless again. He did come out and I walked around some more.
Eventually it was my time to compete. A wave consists of 8 people competing and only 2 get to make it to the second 2 of 128. So the maximum number of people allowed to compete in this competition was 512. My first round was against some guy and he said it was okay for me to throw rock. Now I'm not stupid but I read about this in the advanced tactics on the RPS site. The psychology of that is that you won't throw rock and that means it would be safe to throw scissors. But I threw rock anyways and he threw paper.
Cunt.
He ended up winning the first match but I wasn't going to let that bother me. I didn't want to lose in the preliminaries. What an embarrassment!
I ended up winning that match because I tapped into the RPS zone. Every cell in my body was focused on winning and not letting some pretty boy cunt get to me.
I had a second match and I also won that.
I was glad that I made it to the round of 128. There was some still lots of time until the next round. When I passed by the people I won, I felt humbled. I think if you win, you've got to keep yourself grounded and focused.
The number they assign us has a tag on it that says 'currently undefeated' and if you lose, they detach it from your number.
I saw many people after my round who didn't have the 'currently undefeated' on their number. I felt for them because I'm sure it sucks to get defeated so early. Those who get to go on to the next round gets a tag to hang around your neck. I attached my number onto my tag and was proudly wearing it as I was meandering about. I could see the envy in some people's eyes.
I unfortunately got defeated in the second round by Burlington pussy. He was throwing slowly and you have to be in sync when throwing and I was used to throwing faster. That may have been a factor in throwing me off. When he competed again in this round, I wanted to see him win but he didn't. If someone beats you, you at least want to see them go on to win. I didn't stay very long afterwards as it was late and I was getting tired.
I felt a bit disappointed because I did want to win. I wanted to make it to the round of 32. Maybe I will attend this again but I think I'd like to go with someone.
I enjoyed myself though. I was smiling on my way home.
In other news...
It looks like the gods of finance are throwing some good fortune my way. My parents got some significant inheritance money in Italy and they wanted to give some money for me and my brother. I have a couple of business and investment debts and they gave me money to pay off a loan I had. At first I felt weird that I got money from my parents. I want to take care of myself and do things on my own, I don't want free money for no reason. But since it was an inheritance, which was money from my late grandmother, she'd probably want me to have some and the money was used productively and not frivolously. I'm a rugged individualist. I don't like relying on people much.
But it was a huge relief and so now I'm not stressing over money as much.
I also got notified on Tuesday that I have a new job. Someone I knew from high school works there and we have a mutual friend in common, who told me about how they need people to work there. It's call centre customer service basically, which was something I wanted to move into as I've been doing factory/warehouse work for so long that I wanted an office position.
It's going to be weird for me to work in an office environment. The temp agency had me at an office last week, which is not something they normally do and it felt weird. I'm used to wearing tattered clothes and swearing. Now I actually have to wear nice clothes and be polite.
Office people are a completely different breed of people then factory people. Factory people, while some are ignorant and stupid, have an honestness to them. They might be fucked up and dysfunctional but they don't pretend to be something they are not. Most office people seem to put on this polite facade and that drives me batty sometimes. I hate working in factories/warehouses but at least people seemed interesting sometimes.
I'd just like to say not all factory people are stupid. Many are normal and intelligent people who prefer working with their hands and doing physical work.
I start my training on November 16 for 4 weeks. I'm not really nervous. I'm not sure what to expect. I hope I like it but I really don't know what to expect.
In Anthroposophical news...
I finished reading Towards Social Renewal a few days ago and am reading Social Issues. I want to read Goethe's World View but am deciding if I want to reread these social issue books that I read last year. There's 4 in total (including Social Issues but not TSR) I think this concept of the social order and society are quite necessary to think about because I am 26 and I have been thinking quite sometime about society and the individual and how societies should be structured. And how society needs to be structured in order for individuals to be free to unfold their own inner impulses.
TSR was much easier for me to read this time around. There were a few things I really just didn't get. Like how he talks about creating wages.
I've encountered many people who didn't agree with our capitalistic society, however, capitalism benefits people in certain ways and can be destructive as well. TSR addresses this and points out how the way certain things in society and economics are not clearly understood creates problems.
It's like a 2 edged sword but people seem to focus on the negative. TSR is a call to change our thinking and to develop correct observations and clear thinking on what is really going on in the social organism.
I was in an online study group where they were reading TSR. I wasn't heavily active but one question I thought was relevant to ask was "can we imagine a society without capitalism?". It was something like that, I don't remember exactly but the point was to develop some positive feelings towards capitalism. People don't seem to realize that everything they have is a result of people working together. The ideal of capitalism, as far as I understand is about economic brotherhood. It's about individuals working together to create services and products for others and in turn we all become 'better off' economically. Problems are arising because certain things that are mixing together should be separate.
The ideal of politics is about rights. It's essense is to protect people.
These two realms and the realm of culture, arts and education should all be separate and governed autonomously. The economic realm should not be setting the agenda of education. The educators should be setting the agenda and the economic realm should not be perverting and influencing areas other then the economic realm. This is partly why capitalism is creating problems in society.
Ideals and ideas are real. Ideals are something to be striven for. They may never be attained but that is not the purpose of ideals.
Ideals live in people and that is a fact about humans.
People may turn cynical and scoff at this but this is reality.
Ideals provide a way of doing things, a methodology if you will. But they are not designed to be fulfilled because life is dynamic and not static.
I wish I can talk more about Steiner's social concepts, however, I think in time I will be able to grasp them more clearly.
What I have discussed is just the mere morsels of what I understand. There certainly is more for me to grasp so please accept what limited knowledge I have provided.
There were 2 people who came to the study group, who left for the States in 2003 and also were in BC. They are an elderly couple and will be returning to Brantford as they have family there.
I attended the World RPS tournment which was on the 22nd of October. I went by myself and my focus was strictly on competing to win. The venue was in Toronto at the Steam Whistle Brewery. It was a nice venue as I believe they make beer there as well. I had to wait in line in the rain for about 30 minutes and as soon as I got there, a long lineup started to form behind me.
Behind me was this group of French speaking youngins' who had black and white skeleton makeup on. I saw a lot of people dressed up in team uniforms. There were some normal people there as well not dressed up. At least half the people were dressed up. The age range seemed predominantly people in their early to mid 20s. There were older people there as well.
I pre-registered online so I was guaranteed a spot. There's only a certain number of people allowed to compete. I was number 418. They give all contestants a RPS pin and a RPS card game. Seriously why is a game like this in card format?
Anyways, there are 16 areas set up and I was set to participate in wave 4 of the preliminary rounds.
I started scoping out the scene to see what kind of throws people would throw out first. There was a group of guys dressed up in Blue Jay outfits and someone on their team was dressed in a wedding gown. I went over to my area and asked when wave 4 begins but they were on the second wave. I was getting bored because I wanted to play. When you register, they give you $5 in fun bucks and you use that to compete with others when participating in Street RPS. At first when I read about street rps online I thought it meant that people would actually be on the street competing but it meant that people are competing in the venue for fun. So if I challenge someone to street RPS, I'd put down my fun money and they as well and whoever wins best 3 of 3 keeps the money. In the end of the night, the top 4 compete for real money.
I was observing the street RPS and there was a team from Norway. Three of them were young and one of them was probably around 9. I'm not sure how old he was but when I started watching him compete in street rps, he seemed undefeated and I saw him compete several times and win. I thought the age requirement was 19.
A part of me didn't want to see this kid get beaten. But at some point this kid will lose a round. Who wants to see a kid learn this lesson at such a young age? And whoever beats him is probably going to feel some level of guilt because the money they take was money from a kid.
On the other hand, I wanted to see this kid lose. An RPS competition like this should be for adults. Have a separate event for kids! If a kid is always winning, he'll get arrogant. And why should a kid win just cause he's a kid. If he wants to play with the big boys, we shouldn't have to throw a game just cause we're playing with a kid.
Also a few people had videocameras and cameras and some guy got this girl to lift her top off while he cupped her boobs in front of a camera and video. I don't know if the guy knew this girl.
American slut I bet.
Seriously, no other girl was behaving like that. I don't have a problem with chicks flashing their boobs but it all depends on the context of the situation.
Attention grabbing American slut I say!
At one point I sat down and some guy chatted up with me. I get quite restless sometimes so I had to move around some more and then sat back down. I was sitting again near the washroom when some guy asked me if he could trust me to hold his beer as he went to the washroom since you can't take beer in there. I didn't have to think twice about my trustworthiness and I said yes. He said I could drink some if I wanted to but I'm a Guiness girl. Drinking regular beer is like drinking water for me. He seemed to be taking a long time and I just felt like leaving because I was getting restless again. He did come out and I walked around some more.
Eventually it was my time to compete. A wave consists of 8 people competing and only 2 get to make it to the second 2 of 128. So the maximum number of people allowed to compete in this competition was 512. My first round was against some guy and he said it was okay for me to throw rock. Now I'm not stupid but I read about this in the advanced tactics on the RPS site. The psychology of that is that you won't throw rock and that means it would be safe to throw scissors. But I threw rock anyways and he threw paper.
Cunt.
He ended up winning the first match but I wasn't going to let that bother me. I didn't want to lose in the preliminaries. What an embarrassment!
I ended up winning that match because I tapped into the RPS zone. Every cell in my body was focused on winning and not letting some pretty boy cunt get to me.
I had a second match and I also won that.
I was glad that I made it to the round of 128. There was some still lots of time until the next round. When I passed by the people I won, I felt humbled. I think if you win, you've got to keep yourself grounded and focused.
The number they assign us has a tag on it that says 'currently undefeated' and if you lose, they detach it from your number.
I saw many people after my round who didn't have the 'currently undefeated' on their number. I felt for them because I'm sure it sucks to get defeated so early. Those who get to go on to the next round gets a tag to hang around your neck. I attached my number onto my tag and was proudly wearing it as I was meandering about. I could see the envy in some people's eyes.
I unfortunately got defeated in the second round by Burlington pussy. He was throwing slowly and you have to be in sync when throwing and I was used to throwing faster. That may have been a factor in throwing me off. When he competed again in this round, I wanted to see him win but he didn't. If someone beats you, you at least want to see them go on to win. I didn't stay very long afterwards as it was late and I was getting tired.
I felt a bit disappointed because I did want to win. I wanted to make it to the round of 32. Maybe I will attend this again but I think I'd like to go with someone.
I enjoyed myself though. I was smiling on my way home.
In other news...
It looks like the gods of finance are throwing some good fortune my way. My parents got some significant inheritance money in Italy and they wanted to give some money for me and my brother. I have a couple of business and investment debts and they gave me money to pay off a loan I had. At first I felt weird that I got money from my parents. I want to take care of myself and do things on my own, I don't want free money for no reason. But since it was an inheritance, which was money from my late grandmother, she'd probably want me to have some and the money was used productively and not frivolously. I'm a rugged individualist. I don't like relying on people much.
But it was a huge relief and so now I'm not stressing over money as much.
I also got notified on Tuesday that I have a new job. Someone I knew from high school works there and we have a mutual friend in common, who told me about how they need people to work there. It's call centre customer service basically, which was something I wanted to move into as I've been doing factory/warehouse work for so long that I wanted an office position.
It's going to be weird for me to work in an office environment. The temp agency had me at an office last week, which is not something they normally do and it felt weird. I'm used to wearing tattered clothes and swearing. Now I actually have to wear nice clothes and be polite.
Office people are a completely different breed of people then factory people. Factory people, while some are ignorant and stupid, have an honestness to them. They might be fucked up and dysfunctional but they don't pretend to be something they are not. Most office people seem to put on this polite facade and that drives me batty sometimes. I hate working in factories/warehouses but at least people seemed interesting sometimes.
I'd just like to say not all factory people are stupid. Many are normal and intelligent people who prefer working with their hands and doing physical work.
I start my training on November 16 for 4 weeks. I'm not really nervous. I'm not sure what to expect. I hope I like it but I really don't know what to expect.
In Anthroposophical news...
I finished reading Towards Social Renewal a few days ago and am reading Social Issues. I want to read Goethe's World View but am deciding if I want to reread these social issue books that I read last year. There's 4 in total (including Social Issues but not TSR) I think this concept of the social order and society are quite necessary to think about because I am 26 and I have been thinking quite sometime about society and the individual and how societies should be structured. And how society needs to be structured in order for individuals to be free to unfold their own inner impulses.
TSR was much easier for me to read this time around. There were a few things I really just didn't get. Like how he talks about creating wages.
I've encountered many people who didn't agree with our capitalistic society, however, capitalism benefits people in certain ways and can be destructive as well. TSR addresses this and points out how the way certain things in society and economics are not clearly understood creates problems.
It's like a 2 edged sword but people seem to focus on the negative. TSR is a call to change our thinking and to develop correct observations and clear thinking on what is really going on in the social organism.
I was in an online study group where they were reading TSR. I wasn't heavily active but one question I thought was relevant to ask was "can we imagine a society without capitalism?". It was something like that, I don't remember exactly but the point was to develop some positive feelings towards capitalism. People don't seem to realize that everything they have is a result of people working together. The ideal of capitalism, as far as I understand is about economic brotherhood. It's about individuals working together to create services and products for others and in turn we all become 'better off' economically. Problems are arising because certain things that are mixing together should be separate.
The ideal of politics is about rights. It's essense is to protect people.
These two realms and the realm of culture, arts and education should all be separate and governed autonomously. The economic realm should not be setting the agenda of education. The educators should be setting the agenda and the economic realm should not be perverting and influencing areas other then the economic realm. This is partly why capitalism is creating problems in society.
Ideals and ideas are real. Ideals are something to be striven for. They may never be attained but that is not the purpose of ideals.
Ideals live in people and that is a fact about humans.
People may turn cynical and scoff at this but this is reality.
Ideals provide a way of doing things, a methodology if you will. But they are not designed to be fulfilled because life is dynamic and not static.
I wish I can talk more about Steiner's social concepts, however, I think in time I will be able to grasp them more clearly.
What I have discussed is just the mere morsels of what I understand. There certainly is more for me to grasp so please accept what limited knowledge I have provided.
There were 2 people who came to the study group, who left for the States in 2003 and also were in BC. They are an elderly couple and will be returning to Brantford as they have family there.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Rock Paper Scissors International Championship
I have registered today to participate in the RPS International Championship. It's in Toronto this year on the 22nd of October.
I read about how there are rock paper scissors tournaments around the world in Reader's Digest when I went to get my hair cut.
I'm psyched for the competition, as I've never been in the competition before.
The link is http://www.worldrps.com.
I'm going to kick some mother fucking ass eh!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I have begun my training because I want to win this competition as I can be highly competitive when I want to be.
Evil laugh.
Muuuaahhh ahh ahh.......
I read about how there are rock paper scissors tournaments around the world in Reader's Digest when I went to get my hair cut.
I'm psyched for the competition, as I've never been in the competition before.
The link is http://www.worldrps.com.
I'm going to kick some mother fucking ass eh!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I have begun my training because I want to win this competition as I can be highly competitive when I want to be.
Evil laugh.
Muuuaahhh ahh ahh.......
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Fuck the Pressure
Well some of my friends now know that I have a blog. I have only told a couple of people and maybe one person actually knew the actual address. I wanted to keep it my secret and anyone who was detective enough, would figure out to find it via the wonderful google.
Now I've placed pressure on myself to produce writing that is compelling, interesting, intelligent, exciting, deep and profound.
I want to be perceived as intelligent, witty, funny and exciting.
But the reality of my existence includes ....
Zoning out
Slow to think
Boredom
Being Wrong
Idleness
Non-logical
Excessively logical
Obsessiveness
Mildly Neurotic
And then I looked up the word neurotic to make sure that I am using the word correctly.
I must get a hold of myself.
Whew, okay there, there we go. What is my intention?
What would Oprah do?
Okay, do I want to talk about what I've been reading and talk about mundane things?
Or do I want to talk deep and profound concepts and experiences?
I just don't feel deep and profound today.
I can't be deep and profound all the time!
Anyways, I finished reading Study of Man and am reading Steiner's Towards Social Renewal. There are some ideas and thoughts that I found relevant for today. I usually don't like to share my comments about RS books right away because I usually let the thoughts and ideas digest themselves subconsciously.
Even in my study group, I don't like to comment on things right away because I think that we need to let ideas work on us. I find too many people always have to have an opinion on something and are always quick to refute things.
I get the impression from others that being quick to refute things is a sign of intelligence.
I also finished reading Freakonomics. I thought the book was okay. When I read in the preface or the side flaps how everyone thinks this is such a brilliant book, I get a bit intrigued because I'm always hungry for brilliants ideas and thoughts. It was interesting but it's not brilliant! I'm sorry but I study anthroposophy. Whatever drug produces the best high(I'm not really 'street' smart so I don't know which drug is like top of the line high. Maybe it's meth I don't know.), then that's what anthroposophy is. I'm used to great highs and then so called intellectuals brag about getting high, which to anthropops such as myself, is like getting cheap pseudo highs.
I like metaphors. Is this a good metaphor? If only I knew what drug produces the best high. Damn it, I like to be accurate about my information.
The book is probably the better of the mainstream books. I like the authors' methodology and questioning of things.
I'm not sure if I want to tell this to people but I might as well because I have been thinking about posting it in my blog.
I tend to get horny when I read and I whack off a bit. I can whack off and read at the same time. I don't find it distracting. Sometimes I have to put my book down to finish my business and then I'll go about my reading.
I guess this is why I like to read a lot.
I wonder why I do this. Is my reading stimulating one part of my brain and whacking off stimulating the other half of my brain?
Have I unconsciously tapped into whole brain thinking?
My parents will be returning from their 4 week trip to Italy. They'll be back around 10 but I can stay up since my shift for work got cancelled today. I wonder if our cat missed them.
Now I've placed pressure on myself to produce writing that is compelling, interesting, intelligent, exciting, deep and profound.
I want to be perceived as intelligent, witty, funny and exciting.
But the reality of my existence includes ....
Zoning out
Slow to think
Boredom
Being Wrong
Idleness
Non-logical
Excessively logical
Obsessiveness
Mildly Neurotic
And then I looked up the word neurotic to make sure that I am using the word correctly.
I must get a hold of myself.
Whew, okay there, there we go. What is my intention?
What would Oprah do?
Okay, do I want to talk about what I've been reading and talk about mundane things?
Or do I want to talk deep and profound concepts and experiences?
I just don't feel deep and profound today.
I can't be deep and profound all the time!
Anyways, I finished reading Study of Man and am reading Steiner's Towards Social Renewal. There are some ideas and thoughts that I found relevant for today. I usually don't like to share my comments about RS books right away because I usually let the thoughts and ideas digest themselves subconsciously.
Even in my study group, I don't like to comment on things right away because I think that we need to let ideas work on us. I find too many people always have to have an opinion on something and are always quick to refute things.
I get the impression from others that being quick to refute things is a sign of intelligence.
I also finished reading Freakonomics. I thought the book was okay. When I read in the preface or the side flaps how everyone thinks this is such a brilliant book, I get a bit intrigued because I'm always hungry for brilliants ideas and thoughts. It was interesting but it's not brilliant! I'm sorry but I study anthroposophy. Whatever drug produces the best high(I'm not really 'street' smart so I don't know which drug is like top of the line high. Maybe it's meth I don't know.), then that's what anthroposophy is. I'm used to great highs and then so called intellectuals brag about getting high, which to anthropops such as myself, is like getting cheap pseudo highs.
I like metaphors. Is this a good metaphor? If only I knew what drug produces the best high. Damn it, I like to be accurate about my information.
The book is probably the better of the mainstream books. I like the authors' methodology and questioning of things.
I'm not sure if I want to tell this to people but I might as well because I have been thinking about posting it in my blog.
I tend to get horny when I read and I whack off a bit. I can whack off and read at the same time. I don't find it distracting. Sometimes I have to put my book down to finish my business and then I'll go about my reading.
I guess this is why I like to read a lot.
I wonder why I do this. Is my reading stimulating one part of my brain and whacking off stimulating the other half of my brain?
Have I unconsciously tapped into whole brain thinking?
My parents will be returning from their 4 week trip to Italy. They'll be back around 10 but I can stay up since my shift for work got cancelled today. I wonder if our cat missed them.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
A message for Whitney Houston
Dear Whitney
I think that you have a really strong voice and I like some of your songs.
However Whitney, you are going down a dark path with your drug addiction. Please Whitney don't be giving me that nonsense about you not having a drug problem.
You do.
I know the press is saying it's all Bobby's fault that you are turning out this way. I don't know what's the story but you still need to get your act together girl.
I'm sick of hearing about you being drugged out during performances or while giving out awards. And get some meat on your bones, you've become quite sick and the anorexic look is so 1994.
I want the old Whitney.
The "I wanna know if he really loves me" Whitney.
I want the innocent Whitney.
Honestly woman, you grew up in a good home with good musical genes and famous relatives. What's your fucking excuse for being black trash??
I'm telling you this Whitney because I want to see a stronger, drug free Whitney.
This is a call Whitney to fight your inner demons.
Do you accept my challenge?
I think that you have a really strong voice and I like some of your songs.
However Whitney, you are going down a dark path with your drug addiction. Please Whitney don't be giving me that nonsense about you not having a drug problem.
You do.
I know the press is saying it's all Bobby's fault that you are turning out this way. I don't know what's the story but you still need to get your act together girl.
I'm sick of hearing about you being drugged out during performances or while giving out awards. And get some meat on your bones, you've become quite sick and the anorexic look is so 1994.
I want the old Whitney.
The "I wanna know if he really loves me" Whitney.
I want the innocent Whitney.
Honestly woman, you grew up in a good home with good musical genes and famous relatives. What's your fucking excuse for being black trash??
I'm telling you this Whitney because I want to see a stronger, drug free Whitney.
This is a call Whitney to fight your inner demons.
Do you accept my challenge?
Sunday, October 02, 2005
A message for Chris Rock
Hello Chris,
I was watching your newest stand-up show yesterday on the Comedy network. I can honestly say Chris, that I just don't find you funny at times. I really like you though Chris. You seem very sincere and honest. But Chris you just seem so angry sometimes. Why? I don't know. But Chris, you need to transcend your angry nature. You are not your anger. Yes you experience anger, but you are much more then that.
I must say Chris, although most of your jokes I just don't find funny, many of your jokes from last night I found funny. I found myself saying to myself, "That is so true". Chris it's hard for comedians to make me laugh but Sir, you have last night.
I was watching your newest stand-up show yesterday on the Comedy network. I can honestly say Chris, that I just don't find you funny at times. I really like you though Chris. You seem very sincere and honest. But Chris you just seem so angry sometimes. Why? I don't know. But Chris, you need to transcend your angry nature. You are not your anger. Yes you experience anger, but you are much more then that.
I must say Chris, although most of your jokes I just don't find funny, many of your jokes from last night I found funny. I found myself saying to myself, "That is so true". Chris it's hard for comedians to make me laugh but Sir, you have last night.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Back to Earth
Greetings and Salutations my fellow Terrestrial colleagues,
My anthroposophical vacation has officially ended on the 18th of September (attending my study group doesn't count... I just haven't studied Steiner's work for 2 months). I started reading RS's Study of Man. This is the older translation. The book also has a different translation entitled The Foundations of Human Experience.
Steiner introduced a new methodology for education and helped to launch Waldorf Education. See North Americans are primates as far as I am concerned. Rudolf Steiner is more well known in Europe, particularly in Germany (he is Austrian).
This book I'm reading is for teachers. Obviously anyone can read it but it talks about the 12 senses. It's kinda weird and I've had a bit of trouble getting back into my studies but reading about the 12 senses is really neat. Reading anything of RS is neat. I wish more people knew about him but I ultimately realized that I don't care if everyone doesn't know who he is. As long as he gets respect. I think the scientific community and general population will take a few more years before they have the mental capacity to give props to Steiner.
After I finish this book, I'll start on his more conceptually harder to understand book entitled Towards Social Renewal. I read it 2 years ago I think but I didn't really get it. He talks about his idea for a 3-fold social order. It's really demanding to understand it because you really have to be able to sharply define concepts that are based on reality. For budding thinkers, it's a challenging place to start! A huge problem in education and society in general is that people speak abstractly and particularly when it comes to economic, political and social issues.
Anyways, he wrote this book around 1900s. He lived from 1867 - 1925 but his work and ideas and observations are still relevant for today. So when I read it, I try and see how it relates to me, a female Canadian living in the year 2005, an age of information, television, media and celebrity.
My study group has decided to start reading RS's Theosophy. This is one of his earlier works. It's an easier read then the book we finished before summer (Intuitive thinking as Spiritual Activity aka Philosophy of Freedom).
For those who wonder why the hell does Steiner have 2 names for some of his books. Well his work is recorded in German and sometimes it gets translated by different people. I don't know why they give such differing titles but isn't that the nature of the German language?
I respect Steiner so much but I always wonder what he was like when he wasn't lecturing and just being a normal person. Did he like sex? Did he like desserts? Was he friendly? Just silly things I wonder about. Actually I'm just more curious about him sexually. I guess I always wonder what people's sexual thought are and how they relate to sex, particularly when they are so highly intellectual and intelligent. I think sex is good. I guess I assume intellectuals are not that interested in it, that they are more interested in mental pursuits.
I finished learning the Wild Goose second 64 movements. I didn't quite clearly grasp doing the last 2 sections but my mind just doesn't seem willing to get it. I've just picked up on bits and pieces of the last 2 main moves. This is harder to learn than Wild Goose I (the first 64 movements). It's harder because when I watch the video, I have to think about moving like a mirror. So it looks like he's lifting his left arm, but really it's his right and so then I have to reverse what I see when I'm watching and also the direction since it is a moving qigong.
Well maybe in a month's time I'll be able to be more clear on all of the movements.
Lately I have been wondering who I am. I feel like I don't know who I am. This question about who I am is always something that I'll ask myself but it feels like I've never asked myself this question, although I have. So I am living with this question "who am I?".
My anthroposophical vacation has officially ended on the 18th of September (attending my study group doesn't count... I just haven't studied Steiner's work for 2 months). I started reading RS's Study of Man. This is the older translation. The book also has a different translation entitled The Foundations of Human Experience.
Steiner introduced a new methodology for education and helped to launch Waldorf Education. See North Americans are primates as far as I am concerned. Rudolf Steiner is more well known in Europe, particularly in Germany (he is Austrian).
This book I'm reading is for teachers. Obviously anyone can read it but it talks about the 12 senses. It's kinda weird and I've had a bit of trouble getting back into my studies but reading about the 12 senses is really neat. Reading anything of RS is neat. I wish more people knew about him but I ultimately realized that I don't care if everyone doesn't know who he is. As long as he gets respect. I think the scientific community and general population will take a few more years before they have the mental capacity to give props to Steiner.
After I finish this book, I'll start on his more conceptually harder to understand book entitled Towards Social Renewal. I read it 2 years ago I think but I didn't really get it. He talks about his idea for a 3-fold social order. It's really demanding to understand it because you really have to be able to sharply define concepts that are based on reality. For budding thinkers, it's a challenging place to start! A huge problem in education and society in general is that people speak abstractly and particularly when it comes to economic, political and social issues.
Anyways, he wrote this book around 1900s. He lived from 1867 - 1925 but his work and ideas and observations are still relevant for today. So when I read it, I try and see how it relates to me, a female Canadian living in the year 2005, an age of information, television, media and celebrity.
My study group has decided to start reading RS's Theosophy. This is one of his earlier works. It's an easier read then the book we finished before summer (Intuitive thinking as Spiritual Activity aka Philosophy of Freedom).
For those who wonder why the hell does Steiner have 2 names for some of his books. Well his work is recorded in German and sometimes it gets translated by different people. I don't know why they give such differing titles but isn't that the nature of the German language?
I respect Steiner so much but I always wonder what he was like when he wasn't lecturing and just being a normal person. Did he like sex? Did he like desserts? Was he friendly? Just silly things I wonder about. Actually I'm just more curious about him sexually. I guess I always wonder what people's sexual thought are and how they relate to sex, particularly when they are so highly intellectual and intelligent. I think sex is good. I guess I assume intellectuals are not that interested in it, that they are more interested in mental pursuits.
I finished learning the Wild Goose second 64 movements. I didn't quite clearly grasp doing the last 2 sections but my mind just doesn't seem willing to get it. I've just picked up on bits and pieces of the last 2 main moves. This is harder to learn than Wild Goose I (the first 64 movements). It's harder because when I watch the video, I have to think about moving like a mirror. So it looks like he's lifting his left arm, but really it's his right and so then I have to reverse what I see when I'm watching and also the direction since it is a moving qigong.
Well maybe in a month's time I'll be able to be more clear on all of the movements.
Lately I have been wondering who I am. I feel like I don't know who I am. This question about who I am is always something that I'll ask myself but it feels like I've never asked myself this question, although I have. So I am living with this question "who am I?".
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Pampered
Greetings and Salutations fellow Earthlings,
Today I went to the mall and ended up buying myself a few items to pamper myself. I went to check out this one booth that has this moisturizer with Dead Sea Salts. My mom had the product and so I was curious about this product. I had one of the sales person give me a demo of this nail product and it's some buffer thing and it made my nail all shiny like it had clear nail polish, but without the polish. I've never heard of a product that can make your nail shiny by just using a buffer. I'm not really into vanity stuff and wearing makeup, etc, but this seemed to suit my minimalist personality.
I also bought some Dead Sea facial peel, which works as an exfoliant. I used it today and I thought it was neat.
I continued wandering through the mall as I recalled my initial intention in heading out to the mall. I wanted this hair inhibitor but I couldn't find it at any drug store.
I went to some speciality beauty shop and found one. I did some research last night on it but I heard of a cheaper alternative which could be found at stores like Walmart. Since I didn't find it I had to go with this product. I will try it. The sales woman said she uses it but you don't see results right away. My body hair grows too fast so I'm hoping this will help out. I went to some online review board on hair removal and I was so surprised to find so many people interested in hair removal and having excess body hair (men and women).
I was so impressed by that nail buffer I must say. I did the rest of my nails but it didn't come out as good like the way the sales woman did. I was too gentle doing it, not that you have to be hugely aggressive. She obviously has more experience. She also said that you can do it every month.
Low maintenance beauty. That's what I'm talking about!
I enjoyed my Labour Day weekend. It was quite enlightening for me in the love department. My ex was there and so I was able to observe him. It became really clear to me that he's really not mature for me and has a lot of life lessons to learn. He hung out with the same 3 people for pretty much the whole weekend. It just showed me that he doesn't feel socially confident because he was so attached to the other people (whom were 3 chicks who used to go to high school with him). He is younger than me and is the first young guy I have gone out with.
I also began wondering why and how I fell in love with this person. I haven't spent much time analyzing this because sometimes I think over analyzing something is not good for you. Anyways, maybe I fell in love with the (here comes the lame cliche!) man inside the boy. I thought he was more mature but I really saw how he's just a typical 18 year old (who is in second year university). I really don't know why I fell in love with his person...
By the way I'm 26 and I could never fathom dating someone so young so it was a surprise to me that I was attracted and interested in someone young because I like people who are mature, intelligent and funny.
This realizing I do not love this person anymore has made me feel a bit disillusioned. I will let this experience simmer in my soul because I will not get answers or make sense of this if I analyze it.
I also realized when I got home and pondered my weekend that I was a bit possessive of him. It was a mild feeling.
I realized I have a great need to be in a serious and loving relationship with someone. I think I wanted that from this person but he really wasn't reciprocating.
I have been in 2 long term relationship but mostly I have just been in short term relationships usually 3 months.
My mild possessiveness resulted because my ego had a need that controlled it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a longterm relationship but there is something unhealthy when I let this need control me. Feeling the pain of not having this desire allowed me to gain control over myself.
Denial of pain and suffering is the root of many psychological problems.
The experience of pain and letting it work upon your soul can be liberating.
I hope I have liberated myself from my unhealthy attachment to this person and maybe in doing so I have liberated him as well.
I went swimming as well. I went on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I got some colour. Most people there are fair skinned. I am of Italian descent so I'm more olive skin toned. I also like to call myself Mediterrean (well call my skin tone Mediterrean. I'm a mother fucking Canadian!!!).
We did improv as well at this hobby palace where we do it every year.
No one pissed me off and I felt really comfortable socializing and being around people. Ususally being with people is draining for me but it didn't happen. I also went to bed early Saturday because I wanted to think. I think my Wild Goose qigong has helped me feel more comfortable socializing. I will learn the second set of 64 movements on Saturday. I also did some qigong on the beach on the weekend.
Today I went to the mall and ended up buying myself a few items to pamper myself. I went to check out this one booth that has this moisturizer with Dead Sea Salts. My mom had the product and so I was curious about this product. I had one of the sales person give me a demo of this nail product and it's some buffer thing and it made my nail all shiny like it had clear nail polish, but without the polish. I've never heard of a product that can make your nail shiny by just using a buffer. I'm not really into vanity stuff and wearing makeup, etc, but this seemed to suit my minimalist personality.
I also bought some Dead Sea facial peel, which works as an exfoliant. I used it today and I thought it was neat.
I continued wandering through the mall as I recalled my initial intention in heading out to the mall. I wanted this hair inhibitor but I couldn't find it at any drug store.
I went to some speciality beauty shop and found one. I did some research last night on it but I heard of a cheaper alternative which could be found at stores like Walmart. Since I didn't find it I had to go with this product. I will try it. The sales woman said she uses it but you don't see results right away. My body hair grows too fast so I'm hoping this will help out. I went to some online review board on hair removal and I was so surprised to find so many people interested in hair removal and having excess body hair (men and women).
I was so impressed by that nail buffer I must say. I did the rest of my nails but it didn't come out as good like the way the sales woman did. I was too gentle doing it, not that you have to be hugely aggressive. She obviously has more experience. She also said that you can do it every month.
Low maintenance beauty. That's what I'm talking about!
I enjoyed my Labour Day weekend. It was quite enlightening for me in the love department. My ex was there and so I was able to observe him. It became really clear to me that he's really not mature for me and has a lot of life lessons to learn. He hung out with the same 3 people for pretty much the whole weekend. It just showed me that he doesn't feel socially confident because he was so attached to the other people (whom were 3 chicks who used to go to high school with him). He is younger than me and is the first young guy I have gone out with.
I also began wondering why and how I fell in love with this person. I haven't spent much time analyzing this because sometimes I think over analyzing something is not good for you. Anyways, maybe I fell in love with the (here comes the lame cliche!) man inside the boy. I thought he was more mature but I really saw how he's just a typical 18 year old (who is in second year university). I really don't know why I fell in love with his person...
By the way I'm 26 and I could never fathom dating someone so young so it was a surprise to me that I was attracted and interested in someone young because I like people who are mature, intelligent and funny.
This realizing I do not love this person anymore has made me feel a bit disillusioned. I will let this experience simmer in my soul because I will not get answers or make sense of this if I analyze it.
I also realized when I got home and pondered my weekend that I was a bit possessive of him. It was a mild feeling.
I realized I have a great need to be in a serious and loving relationship with someone. I think I wanted that from this person but he really wasn't reciprocating.
I have been in 2 long term relationship but mostly I have just been in short term relationships usually 3 months.
My mild possessiveness resulted because my ego had a need that controlled it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a longterm relationship but there is something unhealthy when I let this need control me. Feeling the pain of not having this desire allowed me to gain control over myself.
Denial of pain and suffering is the root of many psychological problems.
The experience of pain and letting it work upon your soul can be liberating.
I hope I have liberated myself from my unhealthy attachment to this person and maybe in doing so I have liberated him as well.
I went swimming as well. I went on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I got some colour. Most people there are fair skinned. I am of Italian descent so I'm more olive skin toned. I also like to call myself Mediterrean (well call my skin tone Mediterrean. I'm a mother fucking Canadian!!!).
We did improv as well at this hobby palace where we do it every year.
No one pissed me off and I felt really comfortable socializing and being around people. Ususally being with people is draining for me but it didn't happen. I also went to bed early Saturday because I wanted to think. I think my Wild Goose qigong has helped me feel more comfortable socializing. I will learn the second set of 64 movements on Saturday. I also did some qigong on the beach on the weekend.
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