I found out that the new job I'll be going to has moved the start date from the 16th to the 21st. So that means I have to temp for 3 more weeks! They gave me a work schedule and I don't know how often they change schedules but I at least get my Thursdays and Sundays off which means I'll be able to attend things that I value, like my improv and my study group.
I've purchased last week these 3 mantra programs from amazon.ca by Thomas Ashley-Farrand. I took out a mantra cd of his from the library entitled A Beginners Guide to Mantra Meditation. I really liked it as an introductory to mantras and have decided to undertake a 40 day mantra meditation. I am meditating on my throat chakra and the seed sound for that is ham (sounds like hum). I began it on the 17th and will do it for 6 weeks. I've done mantra chanting before and find it to be an effective tool for clearing the mind and bringing subconscious or unconscious issues to awareness. I have a few issues I would like to work out. I've been consciously working on my inner self for about 8 years and I can actually say I am getting to the point where I feel that I have transformed myself to the person that I have envisioned myself to be. There are a few more things to work on but I really feel solid inwardly.
One of my areas which I am trying to be at peace with is my relationship to money. I was always a saver as a child and I didn't understand how people can be so frivolous with their money. But I also have a greedy aspect with that in that I just want to keep it all and keep acquiring. I just want to hoard the money.
I spent some time reading books on how to manage your money and various philosophies on money management. I have attended one or two financial workshops as well. I decided to get into small businesses that didn't really require much of my time. I came across an ad a few years ago where you could purchase debit terminals and a company would manage that and you would get a portion of the user fee. I decided to make that investment because point of sale terminals are becoming quite popular. I purchased 12 of them and took out a loan. There's a difference between good debt and bad debt. Bad debt is wasting all your money on useless things that in time, will never put money in your pocket whereas good debt will. I figured that I would be making enough money to cover my loan. I took a 4 year $30,000 loan which would cost me approximately $764 a month. I was expecting to make $900 a month. The company gave information on projected profits and I thought $900 was a reasonable profit. Or maybe that was the greed. I completed my business transaction December 19, 2002.
I ended up making around $500 to $530 a month. I was upset because here I was thinking I'd be making more and I wasn't. What did I do wrong? Things weren't going according to plan. I was supposed to make $900 and take a small profit and in 4 years, can work less.
This year the company made an offer to trade in the terminals you own into stock. I did that and I now get a quarterly dividend cheque. Unfortunately I now had to pay my monthly loan in full with my own money, which become really hard since I got let go at my job in February due to not enough work. I was on Employment Insurance for 6 months. I was reluctant to collect it; I'm a rugged individualist, I don't like handouts. I realized that I pay into it and I have a right to collect it. And I probably may not need to use it at all in the future so I didn't need to feel ashamed about needing help, especially if I've paid into it.
A few months after I purchased these terminals, I heard about a small business convention in Toronto which I attended. I saw 2 businesses that looked like I could do and that could be profitable. I wanted money so that I could move out on my own and live a decent lifestyle. I was getting sick of working as a temp and I wanted more free time so that I could pursue a creative lifestyle. I'm not a highly materialistic person. I just wanted enough money for a car, clothes and books and other miscellaneous fun stuff.
I ended up going with the 2 businesses, one of which I'm still too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone. I paid that one with cash, $8000 of which I wonder if I'll ever get to see back. About 1 month into the business, I realized that I didn't like doing it. I don't know the legalities of small business but I wanted my money back. I wrote them a letter last year but haven't heard from them. I don't know if I should speak to a lawyer but I read my contract and it doesn't look like I can get my money back.
The other business I got into was a gumball vending machine business. I went with 25 of them (which was the lowest package offer the had). They had a package for 50 or 100 machines. I thought this one would do well based on the company's projected profits. I thought I could make $1000 a month. I got a lease and the company has a company that they deal with for leases. My lease is 3 years and it's $540 a month.
Part of my proceeds goes towards a charity and that's one way of being able to secure a location. I collected about $200-300 a month. I now service half every other month and the rest as well, every other month.
I just have so much hatred for this business that I am responsible for. I want to sell it or maybe the leasing company will take it back. I just don't want it! Maybe there is someone out there who would enjoy this task, but not me. Every business has problems but if you like what you do, then you probably can tolerate the problems. But I was just in it for the money, and so whatever problem I am encountering in this business, frustrates me. I don't care about it and it's just not healthy to be involved in activities that you don't care about. I still do a good job but I'm so unhappy in this small area of my life.
So one of the programs that I purchased from Thomas Ashley-Farrand is his Financial Abundance program. I've used Wayne Dyer's Meditations for Manifesting where he uses 2 mantras, one for focusing on what you want to create and attract into your life and the other one for focusing on the things in your life you are grateful for. I enjoyed doing them. I've meditated silently before but I think using a mantra and chanting out loud, is more potent and effective. I'm not sure but I feel more active when I chant.
There's 2 mantras, one for removing obstacles towards abundance and the other for abundance. There are a bunch more but on the CD program, it lists these 2 as the basic. I am starting my 40 day discipline today and have already done my daily practice today.
I realized a few days ago that I am not at peace with myself in this area. I want to find the right person soon and get married. That means I will merge my life with someone else. How can I merge my financial life with someone else if I don't even have peace with my own financial life?
I've got to clean up this mess and develop a healthy relationship to money. I am at war with myself. I feel so ashamed about my mistakes. I feel so stupid.
My greed... who are you?
What are you?
So I'm taking control and I'm going to kick this financial problem in the ass. My ego is going to take a beaten' but peace is all I want.
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