Tax Refund Spam

Greetings all,

I regularly get spam like everyone else. I have a gmail account so pretty much all spam goes into its own folder which I don't have to deal with. I do review them when deleting them to make sure some legitimate emails do not get put in the wrong folder.

Today I got an email from someone who claimed they were from the Canada Revenue Agency, the taxman for Canadians. It claimed I had a form to fill out so I could get my refund of fifty some odd dollars. I knew it was a scam but filled out the form for fun. Please see below for my response.




To learn more about these scams visit the following links:
http://www.itworldcanada.com/news/canadians-duped-by-tax-refund-scam/108709
http://www.hoax-slayer.com/canadian-tax-refund-scam-emails.shtml

It's pretty sad that there are people out there that try to screw over people and do so with intent.

The Direction Whisperer

Greetings all,

I have decided to name myself The Direction Whisperer among my other names such as Meandering Falls, Dances with Ikea Furniture and my favourite Your Royal Awesomeness.

Now there is a reason for why I have chosen to name myself as such.

I have encountered many times in Toronto where people ask me for directions. For whatever reason, people like to approach me and ask for directions. I happen to be good at it since I am geographically inclined and I always keep a compass on me so I always know where magnetic North is. I, by the way, am not a native Torontonian as I am a long time Hamiltonian.

Back in October of this year I had noticed more and more people were coming up to me asking for directions when I would go outside for my breaks at work. I tend to walk around my area as I need to get away from my computer and get somewhat fresher air and exercise. I work in the University and Dundas area.

I would have someone asking me where the Embassy was. I didn't know but I asked for the address and said it was across the street and he found the place.

One week I had up to 4 people asking me for directions. I was walking down to my office and was part of a large crowd of people who just got off the subway and one woman comes from behind me and asks if she was going the right way and I asked for the address and told her where. Another time that week I was just browsing through a store, eating an apple. The clerk didn't want me to dirty clothes so she offered me a tissue. I declined and ended up leaving because I could tell she was paranoid that I'd ruin the clothes, even though I was very careful. I walked around the block and some woman came from a building and asked me which way was Dundas and I pointed to the street and kept on enjoying my apple. If I didn't leave that store at the moment that I did, I never would have been able to give directions to that woman. I am just in tune with those who are lost and directionally challenged and in need of direction.

Even when I didn't know where the place the person was looking for, I happened to be with someone who knew. I was with a co-worker and one day we were going the Market that occurs at City Hall. This person needed to see some doctor on a street I never heard of but my co-worker knew. I was just the conduit that day.

I just decided to simply name myself The Direction Whisperer. I guide the lost and directionally challenged in Toronto and ensure they get to their destination. I humbly embrace my new calling.

Stop Online Spying

Please sign the epetition to stop Online Spying.

The government is trying to push through an anti-Internet set of electronic surveillance laws that will invade your privacy and cost you money. These bills will force every big Internet provider to monitor, record and surrender our personal information to "authorities" without a warrant.

If these bills pass a range of "authorities" will have the ability to invade the private lives of law-abiding Canadians and our families using wired Internet and mobile devices, and the cost of those millions of dollars of spying technology will be passed down to YOU.

This bizarre legislation will create Internet surveillance that is:

Warrantless: A range of "authorities" will have the ability to invade the private lives of law-abiding Canadians and our families using wired Internet and mobile devices, without justification.
Invasive: The laws leave our personal and financial information less secure and more susceptible to cybercrime.
Costly: Internet services providers may be forced to install millions of dollars worth of spying technology and the cost will be passed down to YOU.

If enough of us speak out now the government will have no choice but to stop this mandatory online spying scheme.

If enough of us speak out now the Government will have no choice but to stop this mandatory online spying scheme. Sign the Stop Online Spying petition now.

Goodbye Gumballs!

Greetings all,

I have written a few times about a gumball machine business I owned and that last year I had begun the steps to close it down.

Well this week I officially have put this beast to rest and all I have to do is just put together my final book keeping for income tax purposes for next year.

Last year in August I managed to take out all the machines in Hamilton. I had a few in Burlington and for some reason I thought it was best to find a job and then I can finish with getting the machines out in Burlington.

I got them out a few weekends ago and I thought I should have done this when I had more free time, when I was out of work. It took 2 weekends to sort out everything because I began disassembling the gumball machines the first weekend. I had my parents and brother empty out the sand in the stands as I put sand in them to give it weight. I initially emptied one stand but found it difficult. The sand was damp so my dad thought it would be best to let it air dry so I think it made it easier for my family to empty them.

The following weekend I got the other machines in Burlington out. Altogether I had 17 machines, which means I had 8 missing over the years that I didn't replace since I was no longer interested in the business. I found out that one of the machines I placed in a mechanic shop in Burlington wasn't there so that was annoying. I just don't know why people don't notify you of these things.

I had my mother take the metal portions of the gumball machines to a metal scrap company and I got $47 out of it. I was hoping to scrap my plastic parts and get some money out of it. The globe was made of polycarbonate and the stand was made of polyethelene. I had my mom contact a few places in Hamilton but only one was in business and they don't give money. I called a couple of places in my area and one place said that they only accept plastic at the minimum of 10,000 lbs. My stands weighed 9.3 lbs so the weight in total would be well under 200lb and not accepted.

We decided the best option was to go with the company in Hamilton to dump the scrap. Unfortunately my parent's useless Cadillac would have to make 3 trips to get all the globes and stands out so they got them to pick up the plastic for $15.

I was upset about this because I wanted some money out of the plastic. Maybe I could have called a few more plastic companies but I figure they are all the same.

I was sad about how things turned out. I had a dream that night that a woman was going to start her own gumball machine business and I was giving her advice. I told her it's important to have passion for what you do. I told her that some locations do better then others so if you have one in a poor location, to relocate it and you do better if you were the type of person who didn't mind making cold calls. I had someone find me locations but that cost money. If I were more extroverted, I probably would have made calls but I had alot of fear and lack of skill in this area.

* * *
I also had to put an end to another business endeavor which didn't end favourably for me which I wrote about years ago. In that post I briefly discussed how I purchased those point-of-sale machines back in 2003. The company became public and the monthly money I was getting got converted into shares. I had noticed some time ago that their stock was no longer viewable on the TSX and so I eventually found out that their company was private and that I was forced to cash in my shares. I have to look into this because I didn't know that a public company can become private. I went yesterday to fill out the forms to claim my shares. I won't get much money back. I did all the right things and this was a business that went well until they became public. It's hard to not get upset about the loss. My attempts to improve my life financially didn't seem to go in my favour.

I decided that I'll put whatever money that comes to me from that company into my RSP so that I can use it for a down payment for a house as I have learned that first time home owners can take out money and pay it back in 15 years with no interest.

* * *
I don't know if I'm over these failed business endeavors. I do know that I need to move on and learn from these experiences and hopefully prosper and make better decisions.

Time to Say Good Bye!

Greetings all,

I have been mulling this over in my mind for a while now. I have not been doing stand up comedy very often these past few months, mainly because this year I was stressed about not having work and focusing on that. Once I found a job, I wasn't really doing much shows.

I decided officially it's time to say goodbye to stand up and to improv. I have met many interesting and funny people but I just don't think I have what it takes to become professional, which was something I was hoping for.

A few years ago I kept seeing myself on stage, alone and it took me months before I found the courage to try stand up again. I did stand up at my high school talent show and had a hard time with it, even though I did well. I began doing improv and loved it and it helped me to gain confidence as a performer.

For whatever reason, I just feel like I just don't have what it takes. I realize it takes dedication to become at the level I had envisioned myself at and frankly I just don't think I have that dedication. I don't know if I ever will. I thought comedy was a lover I was devoted to but my experience has made me think otherwise. I am very dedicated to my kundalini yoga and meditation practice so I know I have a capacity for commitment and discipline but right now I cannot devote that attention to it as it was quite hard for me. Some days it's hard and I just think it's time to move on. Maybe in a few years time I'll want to try it again but I have lost all motivation to perform and I'm okay with that.

I have always felt conflicted as a stand up person mainly because improv is my background. I liked being spontaneous in improv but liked that in stand up I could express my own ideas and opinions. Stand up obviously requires good writing skills and an ability to stick to some routine, which for me was hard. I could not reconcile within myself these two components of my personality that I have - the spontaneous performer versus the writing stand up performer. Improv gaves me a certain satisfaction that stand up doesn't provide and vice versa, mainly because they are different forms.

I do believe that if something were meant to happen it will and right now my motivation is not there and I'm okay with that. I have other things that I want to focus my attention on. Comedy, whether through improv, humour columns or stand up has always been a part of my life. It will be sad to not have this in my life but that's how it goes.

Stand up seems very individual driven and I do like that to some degree as that's why I wanted to go back to it after many years of improv experience. It also seems like a hostile environment for women, although there has been a movement towards having more women involved as I took a few workshops just for female performers.

I think I as well had challenges connecting with my audience and rejection is difficult to accept on a regular basis. I don't think I was unfunny but at times I felt like people just didn't get it. I guess this is what doing open mics can do to you because the occasional shows that I did that had a more positive audience and not filled with other comics I felt good about.

Maybe I am an open mic burnout or just had enough of stand up? Who knows but I am done with it in my mind and we'll see if I ever feel drawn to perform again. I do tend to follow my intuition so maybe this is a blessing for me and to take a step back and refocus my priorities.

Winter Time

Greetings all,

I decided to email Old Man Winter last week because I was missing him and seriously wondering if I was being too premature in dumping him. We talked on the phone for a while on Thursday and then went out for dinner on Friday. It looks like we are back together. He does have some traits that I don't particularly care for but at this point it is tolerable. I am not sure where this will go but I will give him a chance and see what happens. I normally don't like to take someone back because people who are on again/off again are annoying.

I've asked myself if I'm just missing him because I miss sex but I don't think so. We spent a significant time not having sex and so I think I actually enjoy his presence and company.

I know I've expressed doubts about this and perhaps it won't work out but I think I have to give this a try and see where it goes.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Greetings all,

After reading about Seasonal Affective Disorder on Wikipedia and talking to a friend who has tried fish oil that contains omega 3, I decided that I would try Fish oil that contains omega 3. The reason being is that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and according to Wiki:

Winter depression is a common slump in the mood of some inhabitants of most of the Nordic countries. It was first described by the 6th century Goth scholar Jordanes in his Getica wherein he described the inhabitants of Scandza (Scandinavia). Iceland, however, seems to be an exception. A study of more than 2000 people there found the prevalence of seasonal affective disorder and seasonal changes in anxiety and depression to be unexpectedly low in both sexes. The study's authors suggested that propensity for SAD may differ due to some genetic factor within the Icelandic population. A study of Canadians of wholly Icelandic descent also showed low levels of SAD. It has more recently been suggested that this may be attributed to the large amount of fish traditionally eaten by Icelandic people, in 2007 about 90 kilograms per person per year as opposed to about 24 kg in the US and Canada, rather than to genetic predisposition; a similar anomaly is noted in Japan, where annual fish consumption in recent years averages about 60 kg per capita. Fish are high in vitamin D. Fish also contain docosahexaenoic acid (DHA), which has been shown to help with a variety of neurological dysfunctions

I've tried various things with little luck. I've taken Vitamin D, I've exercised and I've used a light box. I would still feel tired and my energy low. I didn't have my liveliness either. Considering that I don't eat fish at all as I am a fussy eater. The only fish I eat is a tuna and anchovy spread my mom makes that you use on crackers. And that I eat sporadically. I thought I'd try some fish oil to see if there is any positive effect on my system.

I went to briefly see a Naturopath last week who said that a Homeopathic remedy would be used. I looked into that and found one online which I ordered. If it doesn't help me I will probably see the Naturopath to get one that is more taylored for me rather then a general formula.

I have been on the Fish oil since Thursday so in the 5 days I do feel better and I think this has improved my symptoms a lot.

I also have been using a product that I had shipped to where my parents were staying when they were in Italy as they don't ship to Canada. The product is called Valkee. It basically is like a light box but you put into your ears as it's been on the theory that your brain can receive light not just through the eyes (as that's how the light box delivers it) but also through the ears. I've been using it for about a month now. It helps a bit but is still not enough. It helps me yawn less but it didn't help with my energy levels. It's certainly better to use then a light box as I hated having to sit in front of the light box for 30 minutes in the morning. I use it for 6 minutes twice a day.

The fish oil I have contains 800mg of EPA and 500mg of DHA so I am taking a very potent amount. I have Vitamin D that has some EPA and DHA, 42 and 50 respectively but that is not enough. We'll see how I feel by the end of the week and I'll see how my energy levels are. I may stop using my Valkee maybe next week to see if the fish oil alone is enough. By next week I should get that homeopathic remedy.

I felt really bad last year by December 21. Having SAD has and is a horrible experience. My energy levels were so low and there is a feeling of heaviness and mild depression. I would motivate myself to do things but they just seemed so much more difficult because of this problem and that in and of itself just made me feel bad because it would drag me down more. Two years ago my symptoms appeared by mid October and last until March. Last year and this year it started in mid September. It lasted until April I think and it seems like it has gotten worse.

I've had this problem for 6 years now. I had went to see my doctor 2 years ago about this problem initially and then again last year. She had me take a sleep study test and I had spoken to a counsellor who said I had mild depression. The doctor also tested my thyroid and vitamin D levels and for the most part I was normal. I knew I had SAD but they had to rule out this things.

I didn't want to be on anti depression meds because I was thinking there has to be a better way. So I'll see how the rest of the week pans out for me with the use of the fish oil. The fish oil I think has helped a lot.

Occupy Toronto!

Greetings all,

I decided to participate in the Occupy Toronto movement that is part of the Occupy Wall St. This was my first protest and it was interesting. My friend has been following this so that's how I learned about it. She actually went to New York to observe and film what was going on there.

A couple of us were there and when we started to march to the location from King and Bay, I ended up getting disoriented and lost my sense of direction. There was so many people and it was easy to lose track of where we were in the city. I didn't make a sign but I wanted to be there.

It was interesting to read what some newspapers have been saying about this movement. Many criticisms going on and I think it goes to show that they just don't get it.

I probably won't camp out since I have a job and really don't want to take time off work. I may camp on a weekend but it's a bit too cold and I think I can just visit. Camping is not really my thing.

I've always wanted to see some sort of movement and protesting going on in this country. Canadians seem so docile. We should be more like the French who protest all the time. For me it was interesting to be a part of something bigger where we all understand that something is wrong with the way things are in the world and we are at least expressing our dissatisfaction.

I don't know what this will lead to but it's interesting that it has spread across other countries. America has quite the influence but at the same time, something like this spreads because there is some sort of unsatisfaction and frustrated with the external world.

Many people came together for many different reasons. It appears Adbusters is the one who initiated this so it does make me a little suspicious of their motives. My friend seems to think the issue is really the banks. I think it's a bunch of things like the banks, the government and corporations. There was some anti rich sentiment but I don't think it necessarily means they are against people with money.

It will be interesting to see how things unfold. I'm on their Facebook group and you can see how hostile people can be towards each other. It's just a microcosm of the macrocosm as there will be people not agreeing and having different opinions.

I should hope some change comes to the world. I have done my inner work and I do wonder if people use this as a distraction from working on themself. It might feel better to make corporate greed a scapegoat. But then you can still be happy and just are genuinely opposed to their behaviour.

I can still hear reverberating in my body the words of the crowd "we are the 99%" and "we want justice".

Greetings all,

The other thing with Old Man Winter is that I didn't feel comfortable calling him my boyfriend. I would think after 2 months of dating, I should feel comfortable but for some reason, I just couldn't do it so it didn't make sense to keep dating.

Since we are in the same social circle, I saw him yesterday as our group went for a hike and we chatted about why I ended things. He seemed upset about it, which I'm not really used to seeing in a man. I told him the reasons and it just seemed like this week, he pissed me off with these minor annoyances.

Since I'm looking for something long term, I just don't see it going anywhere so why keep dating? I think he might have taken it a bit personally but for me I just think it was time to move on and yes I'll miss the good sex but I think I'm just looking for something long term.

I want to be with a man that I feel proud to declare he's my boyfriend and for whatever reason I just couldn't do it with him. I think that he and I both deserve better and it's really just a case of being mismatched and always best to not take it personally.

Ciao Old Man

Greetings all,

I ended up ending things with Old Man Winter. We have been dating for 2 months. I had been wanting to go away to Vermont for Thanksgiving weekend, which is this weekend. He didn't tell me until Monday that he had his son for this weekend (He had him last weekend and normally gets him every other weekend) I was upset about this because I really wanted to get out of this country because I haven't been travelling with much, considering I was out of work again. I couldn't shake off the anger and disappointment I felt over this. Normallly I can move on with things but the fact that I couldn't get over it means it was probably time to move on.

There have been a couple of things going on that have bothered me and although I didn't plan to end things with him last night - I did.

I say 'I guess' a lot in conversation. Some of my friends don't like it but that's how I am. I'm not going to change for anyone. I try to accept people for who they are and don't try to change them so I especially don't like how he'd bring it up a lot. It was like he couldn't tell if I meant no or yes. Usually it means yes. The other night he was bugging me about in conversation and I snapped and said that if you want a cheerleader, go out and date one as that's not how I roll.

I'm part choleric and part melancholic. So I'm not always going to be upbeat about things all the time. I'm not always going to be filled with enthusiasm. If you can't accept me for how I am, I just don't care anymore.

The other thing I was thinking was that he should be well ahead of time of when he gets his son and he seems like he's on the fly with it sometimes. I would think that you should have your schedule worked out a few months in advance and if it's been agreed that holidays are treated differently, you should know well ahead of time when you get him. I like to plan things and I'm already thinking about early retirement so I can't be with someone who's a little flakey when it comes to being organized.

I did wonder if I made a mistake and was being too quick but sometimes these things just get worse instead of getting better and sometimes you just need to nip things in the bud.

I sometimes feel like I am destined for spinsterhood. I hope not. I want to start my own family soon.

I knew this going in but I was skeptical about dating a man with a child. I thought I'd give him a chance since I felt attracted to him for so long. I guess it's okay if things don't work out but I do hope to find someone. I am just not sure if I want to try dating again. I just get so frustrated with the process and it takes so much out of me, the rejection and disappointment. Why bother with love and its search? I can take care of myself.

Death and Meditation

Greetings all,

Lately during meditation, I have observed that I am feeling this fear of death. I almost feel panicky. I'm not sure if it's an ego death that I am feeling or more so the fear of the death of the physical body. Various thoughts come up about death and dying and it obviously freaks me out. Lately I've been experiencing more of these feelings but then they pass.

I'm not really at the point where I am fearless towards death because I don't know at this point if death is really the end. I know we all talk about how the spirit never dies but I think this is sort of what I am experiencing at times - the fear that this is it.

Obviously I need to keep at my practice and see where this takes me and work with confronting the fears about death that come up but I do wonder if others have experienced this same fear about death. I almost feel alone in this but I'm sure on some level, we all think about death and ignore our fears about it.

Pubes

Greetings all,

I purchased last month a product for maintaining your pubic hair. I was thinking that there has to be some product that trims this area. My current method of womanscaping involved using scissors. Now I didn't cut myself, it was just a way to trim them and I thought it was an okay method.

I decided to do some online research and came across the following review of a trimmer. I ended up purchasing this product so now I'll be leaving my opinion on it.

I like the Ladyfair trimmer. I thought it trimmed the area fairly closely and did it quickly. It was a bit shocking for me to see all that hair gone. It was like being pre-pubes and it was a little awkward. I didn't care for the Body Bare buffer, which supposedly is to smooth out your area after you've used the trimmer. You cannot use it unless you've trimmed the area. I didn't really notice that it made that area smoother so I don't recommend that.

My current man does not like the all shaved look so I let grow out. It's obviously better then using the scissors so I can go longer without womanscaping.

Old Man Winter

Greetings all,

I have mentioned I am dating a guy in my meetup group. I found out he is not 10 years older then me but is actually 10.5 years older then me. That half a year makes a difference!

I've nicknamed him Old Man Winter because he has pre-mature grey. The one thing that bothers me when we are out in public is when we engage in PDA. I generally feel a bit uncomfortable holding his hand or kissing him mainly because he looks older then his age. He is 43 and I think he looks like he is in his early 50s or late 40s. I am 32 and tend to look younger. People think I am in my mid 20s. So obviously this looks awkward in my public. Normally I don't care what people think but being publicly affectionate with him makes me uncomfortable. I don't want people to think that he's some dirty old man macking on a some hot, innocent, young and impressionable lady.

I also found out his birthday is close to the birth date of the English Muffin. The English Muffin was born on July 6 and Old Man Winter was July 5.

I must say I enjoy having sex with him. He's got some girth on him and after having sex ,my vagina usually feels worked in for at least 24 hours. He is also pretty good at oral and I think he has set the bar. I had one guy I was with who has set the bar on what constitutes amazing oral. What I liked about him and what made him good was his passion. I could tell when he went down on me that he really enjoyed licking the female anatomy. While OMW may not have the same passion and enthusiasm, he certainly knocked my socks off. I think his passion is more subtle. But men that is the key to performing good oral - being passionate.

We've been dating for just over a month. I haven't labelled him my boyfriend and at this point I just don't feel comfortable doing so. He is one of those guys that is relationship oriented which is probably the first time I ever encountered this so he seems like he wants to call me his girlfriend. We went out last week for my first time to a golf driving range and he showed me how to golf. Afterwards we went to his place and had wonderful afternoon sex and then hung out for the rest of the day. He remembered it was his dad's birthday and he called him and they talked for a bit. He left the room we were in and then came back and he said he was seeing a girl in the meetup group. I haven't told my parent yet and usually I don't feel comfortable telling my mom I am dating someone. She knew about the English Muffin but it took me a while to tell her because I didn't think she'd get it.

My friend thinks it's weird that I haven't called him my boyfriend. She thinks that means we can still date other people. Yes that is true we probably can date others. I'm not dating anyone else at this point and I feel quite turned off from the online dating thing. I told her I didn't care for a label at this point and that even if he was my boyfriend, that is not going to stop him from dating other people. People have affairs all the time. The label in and of itself doesn't determine the person's faithfulness. A label isn't bad anyways. It just isn't the be all and end all.

Car

Greetings,

My parents went to Italy for 3 weeks so I thought I'd ask them if they'd let me borrow their car for the time they are away. They let let me so I was happy to have a car. Their car is a Cadillac. I ended up filling it up the day before I returned it and it cost me $60 to fill it and I didn't fill it all the way. It probably would have cost $65 to fill 'er up. I didn't think such a car was such a gas sucker.

The Cadillac accelerates nicely but it was a bulky car and I've driven it with them before and I never cared for the mirrors. I preferred the mirrors on my Malibu. I found the rear mirror too small and it made the objects appear smaller and I am a firm believer in having good mirrors.

So having access to a car for 3 weeks has solidified my decision to get a car. I had initially said I'd go 6 months without one to see how I like it. It's been about 3 months and I really don't like it. I'm a driver. I don't mind taking the streetcar to work because I work downtown so it's just easier but to go to my book group and my yoga on Sunday and visit my family in Hamilton, it just makes more sense. I hate having to wait all the time for the streetcar. I like just being able to hop in a car and go.

I have a few friends who have used cars so I think I will go with that as they are probably more affordable. I am not in a rush to buy a car so that's a good thing for me. I'm still going to wait and save up my money because I can do without one for now.

My parents bought me my car, although they didn't initially buy it for me. It was a car that my mom and I used and then they decided to let me be the owner. My dad is very opposed to the idea of buying a used car because he thinks it might be in poor condition. I probably would make sure I get a good one and also I think you can get the history of the car.

I'm more interested in getting a fuel efficient car like the Hyundai Accent or Ford Fiesta or a Yaris. I am looking for a car that can last a while and my friend has a Nissan which she recommends getting a Japanese make.

I think I'd like one of those lime green cars. I've been seeing a few in Toronto and think they are really cool as a colour and look bright and fun. I like the colour red but I think as a car I wouldn't go for it because I think they are more prone to get tickts. That' my theory but I am not sure how accurate it is.

Fatalism

Greetings all,

Lately I just feel like no matter how much effort I put into self improvement, I can never really improve my life. I feel like my life is probably already predetermined and there is really only so much I can do to make my life better. I might as well give up trying to have a better life. I want to have a better job, have some sort of power and authority but I just think that I'm only going to go so far with my life so why bother if I think life is already mapped out.

I know it seems pessimistic but maybe this is the reality of life. I believe in karma and reincarnation so for me, maybe I've experienced alot of good times in the past and this life I have different things to learn.

I'm not even interested in comedy right now. I'm not really interested in anything. I guess I'm just in a lull right now. Not worried that I'm in it or anything.

Back into Dating

Greetings all,

I recently have been dating someone who is in my introvert meetup group. I said in a previous post (Friends with Benefits) that I was lusting for this guy and so we actually started to date. He's taken me out for dinner and has cooked for me. I was a little skeptical about going after him but I've been lusting for him for a while and it didn't seem to go away.

He's a little out of my age range as he's 10 years older then me. He also is divorced and has a 10 year old son. I dated a man back when I was 23 who was separated and had the kids full time so I didn't want to get involved with someone that has been married, mainly because they have more baggage to deal with.

I thought I'd give him a chance but I'm taking it slow for now. Our group had a few barbecues at his place and he'd pick me up at the subway station (as he's in the suburbs of Toronto). I really liked his eyes so that was a selling point for me.

It's nice to be dating someone and having them touch you and be with you physically. I fell hard for someone who lived in England and even though we never were in a relationship (did meet once), I had a hard time getting over him because I felt we were so compatible and I thought it was possible to overcome the distance.

My attitude is to just take it one day at a time and see where it goes. I don't know if he is Mr. Right but I'll just enjoy the time of dating. He will be the first guy I date from meetup. Meetup is for socializing and so I didn't really want to use it to date people since I think it's for socializing but you know sometimes when people hang out more they become attracted to people and date. It is inevitable that some romance blooms.

I actually went to one meetup on Friday and some guy in the introvert group, whom I only met once, actually asked me out on a date. I was wearing a skirt as I am trying to be more feminine. It's really hard because it's not my style as I prefer shorts and pants and jeans so maybe dressing up makes me attractive to men.

I know for me, I was tired of doing the online dating thing. I honestly felt like the universe was cock blocking me because it seemed like things just weren't clicking for me and dating was a chore. It's nice to meet someone in person so we'll see where this goes.

Fuck you CNE!

Greetings all,

I'm pretty pissed today. I've been agitated since yesterday and my patience has been short. But today, the Security Guards at the CNE really pissed me off. I take the Go train to see my parents and have to cut through the CNE to access it. Normally I have no issues but now that the CNE is running (CNE is a family park that offers rides at the end of the summer and only runs for 2 weeks), I had difficulty today accessing the route I normally take. I wanted to take the 12.46 train and usually leave by 12.20 and I walk at a brisk pace.

The route I normally take was blocked and so I had walked through the entrance. A young woman said I had to pay but I notified her that I was taking the train and didn't want to be late. She called the security guards and they were after me. I told them I had to see my parents and that I would be late and this was the route I normally take. They wanted me to go take another way but I was not in the greatest of moods. There were 3 of them ganging up on me and I suggested to get escorted but they still were giving me attitude. I told them twice but they wouldn't allow me.

I had to access the train from the north side of the train tracks. Normally I access the south because the pay machines are on the south. I fortunately made it on time but I was pissed and rushing to get there. If I missed my train, I'd have to wait another hour and I didn't want to go through this.

I got home to my parents and called them to complain. They said they would speak to them. I didn't get the name of the person I was speaking with but I will do a follow up call tomorrow.

I just find it ironic that some organization that is for families, intentionally makes it difficult for someone who is trying to access the train so that they can see their family. My parents were also leaving to go to Italy this Tuesday so this was important for me to see them on time.

Friends with Benefits

Greetings all,

Some of my friends and I went to see a movie called Friends with Benefits, which stars Justin Timberlake. I was having a conversation with one of my friends whom I have been having lusting for. We were having a conversation about the concept of having a Friends with Benefits (short form is FWB) arrangement. I said everyone has probably experienced being in this type of arrangement. Or at least you should have had this experience. To me, you haven't lived if you haven't had been in a FWB. I said I did this type of arrangement a few times in my 20s and to me that's almost standard behaviour for that age group. He apparently was the type of person who was always in a relationship and never really did this type of stuff.

I see being in a FWB as a smart way to sow your oats. Instead of always fucking random people when you aren't ready to commit to anyone, you can have consistent sex without the worry of getting a sexually transmitted disease.

Now for me, these past few years I have been wanting a meaningful relationship so I haven't engaged in this type of arrangement. He asked me what was the longest relationship I have had and most of them are short. I think with my first boyfriend, it was about a year and another guy I think it was just under a year, probably around 8 months.

I've spent most of my life single anyways and not actually involved with someone. This doesn't mean I was always in a FWB situation. I felt a bit awkward with this conversation because it was almost suggesting that I am not the type to be able to be in a relationship. For me, I just feel like I am fussy so I'm not going to stay in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I'd rather be on my own. I obviously could handle being in a strictly sexual relationship but not everyone can. I probably could still do it and not get emotionally messed up but I'm just mentally and emotionally in a different place so it's not something I want to be involved with.

My friend thought this guy is probably gathering some data about me but I did say I'm in a different stage so looking for something more meaningful.

As well, just because someone is always the type to be in a relationship, doesn't mean they are good at it or that they are in healthy relationships. Someone who is just in FWB situations can be just as healthy or unhealthy emotionally as someone that is the relationship type.

At the end of the day, I don't think it matters if one has slept with lots of people before they meet the right person or if they have to plough through lots of relationships. The point is to be happy with yourself, regardless and hopefully find the right person. To me, there is no right or wrong way to live so I don't think the fact that I've been in a few FWB arrangements means I don't have what it takes to be in a meaningful long term relationship.

Creating Reality

Greetings all,

I have been feeling these past few weeks that I am creating my own reality. I've known this intellectually however it is starting to take deeper root into my being. I think because of my yoga practice and meditating, it really is giving me a deeper self awareness and consciousness about my life and the power that I have in my life.

I as well have been realizing that, although I am fairly open minded, there are ways in which I am limiting myself. And I can do something about it and not get trapped by my self imposed limitations. It's certainly liberating to understand that we create our reality.

What I notice is that if something bad happens to someone, they think it only happens only to them. People fail to realize (I think this is just common human psychology) that there are others out there going through the same thing and that they are not alone. I think getting to that stage, helps one to empower themselves too since they don't take the pain so personally. Definitely seems like an ego game we play - that we think we are the only ones suffering or experiencing difficulty in the world. It really is all about perception of events at the end of the day. Thank goodness for Sat Nam Rasayan as well (I am an avid practitioner). It's so key to not react to things and just accept what occurs. That helps to empower one as well since you can handle things better instead of fighting against reality. Most of suffering I would say is because we aren't accepting the reality of what is being presented to us.

Need vs Want

Greetings all,

I was trying to have this discussion with my male friend about needing a relationship and wanting a relationship. We have a mutual friend, which I have mentioned in a previous post, that I think always has a need to be with a man as I think she is desperate on an emotional level. He seems to think what she is doing is okay because she is lonely. I probably know this person more then the male friend I was having this discussion. I know that she's not doing her inner work, she's done some but obviously there is more to do. I just know from a few conversations that she is looking for happiness in a man and the reality is, that will never happen because it's not the way reality works.

I know I obviously can't make someone wake up to the mistakes they are making and it's something they can change when they are ready and willing to change. I'm optimistic that she can learn her lessons when it comes to relationships. She might learn the lessons this year or 5 years. Who knows but if one is wanting a meaningful relationship, they are going to have to do some real inner work and soul searching to get to that place.

My friend whom I was talking about this female friend, just doesn't get the concept. He seems to think her needing a man is okay. I want a boyfriend. I don't need a boyfriend. I feel fine emotionally and don't seek a man to fill an emotional void. There's nothing wrong with wanting a man. The difference between the two is that needing a man is coming from an emotionally unhealthy place, where you unconsciously believe it's someone else's job to make you emotionally fulfilled and happy. Wanting a man is coming from the place where you realize you can and do fulfill your own emotional needs. Your wanting a man comes from a secure place.

Wanting a man, means I have something to share. Wanting a man makes me more discerning because I don't waste my time with men who I am not interested in or don't think would be good matches. If I need a man, I will take whatever comes my way. I may display some discernment but because I don't know myself or invest enough time in myself, I tend to 'settle' and use men as emotional fillers. Needing a man means you are not bringing anything to the relationship. In fact you are arriving at it at a deficit, which to me is doomed to failure and doomed to cause drama for the participants

I think my male friend probably is a touch emotionally needy himself and maybe this is why he doesn't get what my point is and why I think she is needy, which is not healthy. All the healthy relationships I know of that work are ones where people want a relationship and are not emotionally needy. Looking outside of yourself for your own peace and happiness are just recipes for disaster. We all know it intellectually but it has to be something learned on an emotional level.

Job

Greetings all,

I actually get to start a job tomorrow. I had the interview on Thursday and they said they would get back by Friday if I got it. I didn't hear from them Friday so I figured I didn't get it. The interview felt weird to me and I was late by a few minutes because the streetcar was going really slow in one spot. I gave myself plenty of time to get there butt I guess it wasn't enough. The company does planned giving and in the cover letter they wanted people to write about planned giving. I talked about how I was in a book group and we read World Economy by Rudolf Steiner and he talked about how gift money is the most productive money out there - in comparison to loan money or purchase money.

It is downtown so I am glad about that because I wanted to work downtown again. I think it's cool to be downtown.

I credit finding this job o the Job Mantra Stack that I did. I think my getting a cold was related to this because I have read that sometime around day 33 of the meditation, sometimes something may occur, like getting sick or things going wrong.

The stack is as follows:

Om (Gum Gum Gum)* Shrim Shrim Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Namaha
Om Shrim Gum Ganapatyei Namaha
Om Lakshmi Ganapatyei Namaha
Om Kshipra Prasadaya Namaha
Ha Sa Ka La E I La Hrim x2 (2 reps = 1 mantra)

*Note: When I chant this I add the 3 Gums before the 3 Shrims. It gives a wonderful momentum/energy to this mantra.
The benefit of each would be:
1. Om Shrim Shrim Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Namaha - Blessings of abundance from Maha Lakshmi
2. Om Shrim Gum Ganapatyei Namaha - Removing obstacles by Lord Ganesh
3. Om Lakshmi Ganapatyei Namaha - Asking Lakshmi and Ganesh to work together to bring about our desire
4. Om Kshipra Prasadaya Namaha - Immediate help from Lord Ganesh
5. Ha Sa Ka La E I La Hrim
Ha Sa Ka La E I La Hrim
This Kubera mantra is specifically about the prosperity of $$ money $$ because Kubera is God's treasurer.

Our experience is that this stack is powerful and quick. Repeat each mantra at least 108 times every day. If you are concerned and have time, you could do the stack once in the morning and once in the evening. But, as Namadeva says, be ready, "cause this one could really blow your socks off."

These mantras are in various CDs of Namadeva's work, which you can learn about at Sanskritmantra.com. I've used his mantras years ago and then started doing kundalini yoga and not spending so much time chanting. I decided to start to chant again. I was skeptical to use this stack but it seemed to work. I've done lots of disciplines and I could never tell if they helped me. I was more into seeing drastic, real physical things manifest. I know working with Kali mantras, I was able to manifest things so I do know they work.

I know for me, I am a little shocked. Lately I have been realizing that I am creating my own reality and this is a big thing. It's one thing to know it intellectually but another thing when you start to really get it on a practical level. I've been more aware of various thoughts and have challenged them. I think I have limited myself and I am starting to realize that there is more out there then we could imagine.

I really know this is the beginning for me. I am wanting to be a comedian. Maybe I have to revise this but maybe now I can really take it to the next level. I need a day job for now. Who knows what will happen. Work and prosperity have always been issues for me and maybe I am finally able to resolve things.

Ah Neighbors...

Greetings all,

I recently kept running into one of my neighbors. We saw each other a few months ago and acknowledged each other a few times. He has a bit of an issue with his leg so he bends to his side and looks like he is lifting his leg. In my head, I nicknamed him Hobbie McHobbster (or something like that), since he hobbles when he walks.

Now the neighbor above me I hear sometimes having sex and so I have been curious to know who is above me. Now I just hear the bed noises, I don't hear moaning or anything. So it's annoying for me. Earlier on in the year, the bed noises had a certain rhythm to them and had a certain strength to them but lately they have been weaker sounding but also the rhythm has changed. I wondered if a new couple moved in or if it's a girl/guy who now has a new partner. As well, I had thought maybe it's a different man but it's possible the difference in sound is the woman being on top. Lots of theories floating about in my mind. As well, this neighbor would indulge in 5am sex, which was annoying for me as it would wake me up. I can't imagine having sex on a weekday. Weekend morning sex, sure I would indulge. But on the weekday? It's too much. I prefer night time so I can decompress. People would tell too if I indulged in morning sex. I'm just too obvious.

So Hobbie McHobbster I found out is the neighbor who lives above me. I was joking to myself that I bet he was the neighbor above me and I asked him and lo and behold he was.

We became friends on Facebook and he sent me a message saying he was interested in me. I declined and said we could be friends. He wanted to 'embrace the woman' in me. Translation: I want to fuck you because you are so close to me geographically.

I figured he was probably a player because he probably sleeps around or has a fuck buddy so I took his comment with a grain of salt. He was making his move about 2 weeks ago and just last Saturday I heard him going at it. Ah the joy of players!

Summer Love

Greetings all,

A few people in my social circle have started dating and are now in the early stages of coupleness. My one friend recently broke up with someone, only after 2 months of dating and being a 'couple'. I didn't think they would last long because I didn't think the guy was right for her personality. And of course, I was right. As usual.

I think I am at this point in my life where - because many of my friends are single and only seem to partake in short term relationships - I don't really get too concerned if they announce that they are part of a relationship. I mean, I think to be a real couple you have to be together for over a year and to be a real, real couple at least for 5 years. I just notice that some people 'date' and are exclusive but then break up but they call themselves a couple in the process. I really don't see people as a couple until they have been together for quite a while. So if people want to play the game, that's fine but I won't take it serious until some time has elapsed.

Back to my friend whom recently broke up with someone. I didn't tell her I didn't think it would work out, because I knew right away after we had a conversation about how their relationship was going. We hardly had a chance to talk because as many people spend all their time together in the early stages. If someone is not happy and already bringing up their issues, it's just not going to work out. I mean, the truth is a relationship can last but it can be unhealthy but it is a working relationship and obviously is serving the needs of the participants. It doesn't mean they genuinely love each other.

My other friend I have learned is recently with a new boyfriend but I don't think it will work out either because from what I have observed in her, is she has this need to always be in relationships. She was living long term with someone and moved out last year but was quick to find a boyfriend. But as well, she seemed desperate to find someone and felt lonely. I don't feel lonely that often and I have been single for so long. I am used to figuring out how to spend my time on my own. I enjoy my company. While I prefer having a partner, I haven't met anyone that floats my boat. I think socializing with others helps. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy life. Which I think this person just hasn't done yet. She has yet to discover who she is and I think is seeking someone to fill the void that is lacking in herself that is really her responsibility to fulfill.

Is it really wise to tell people what you see is a mistake they are making? I guess we can hope they figure things out but what if they don't or are taking way too long (long of course is a relative term)? I'll be hanging out with these people tomorrow night and I know I can't make anyone change but I can certainly speak my mind and make observations and basically just have a conversation about what I observe.

Thoughts on the Census

Greetings all,

We are almost done doing the Census in my district and now we are dealing with the scum of scum! Some people just think they can outsmart the government. It is stupid. Some people have said they mailed in the Census. Then the postal strike started and ended. Some people actually really did mail in their Census as it was received quickly after the strike was over. Others just said that to get us to go away. Do they honestly think that lying would work? The past few weeks I have been making visits to people who have claimed they did it and it was not received or processed. If it doesn't get processed in a certain time frame then it is safe to say they were lying. This time you can do your Census online and maybe doing it online created some glitches but some people said they did it online and it just wasn't processed. It takes a day for it to register on our end it was done.

I think for me, doing this job has gotten annoying. Are people that stupid where they think the government is not going to notice that it hasn't arrived. Do they think they not keep track of things, especially in this day and age with computers?

I try not to take the lying personally but it really irks me. It is your duty as a citizen of this country. Other countries force you to join the military and serve for your country. Canada, however, just asks that you fill out a form that takes less then 5 minutes to do. It asks your date of birth, marital status and languages you speak. It's really not asking for a lot isn't it? I think this is a pretty good country if you ask me. It's not perfect and yes some of the people that run the show are idiots but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do your Census.

The other thing is people don't understand is that they think all government departments are the same. The government has different departments, like Health and Fisheries etc so if you don't like Harper, that doesn't mean you have to hate all government departments. Harper hates us and that is why the long form is not mandatory this time around. We just gather data and make it public. We probably are the nerdiest department out there. Maybe this is why I am so passionate about doing the Census.

Sick

Greetings all,

I actually getting a cold since Saturday afternoon. I wasn't sure if I was getting sick for real because twice this year, I would feel like I am getting sick but I never did. I was just grazed. By Sunday, I was starting to feel worse and it looks like this is the first time this year I actually got sick. I have a cold and missed work last night. I am not sure if I want to work today because sometimes the best thing to do is rest and take it easy. Since I am an enumerator, my job requires I walk and at this stage in the game, I am dealing with idiots so maybe I need to take it easy? It is our last day working in this district and then we'll probably work to help another district.

Overlooked?

Greetings all,

I am in an email group for Sanskrit Mantras and many people from the group are using a 5 mantra stack that is good for finding work and so I have decided to give it a try. I am half way through this job stack discipline. So far, no prospects. Dry as a well, no calls for interviews at this point. I am hoping that something will appear.

Anyways, I am doing part time work doing Census and we were told yesterday our crew leader assistant has been moved to another district as a crew leader so that meant someone had to take her place on our team. Someone else got this role from our team, which I am a little upset about since I was the only person on my team who had previous experience and I think I probably should have gotten it. I am not sure if I should ask my boss the selection process because it wasn't like they asked us who would be interested. I feel offended that I wasn't picked and sometimes I think it's because people are threatened by my intelligence and skill. Would it be unprofessional to ask why I wasn't picked? I don't think so and I am thinking of sending her an email.

This position wouldn't have lasted long anyways because our time doing the Census will be coming to a close and so I am telling myself that something better is coming my way but I can't help but feel upset about this. I feel I have a lot of talent and intelligence and sometimes I feel it is overlooked. What do I have to do to get noticed and promoted?

Men Patterns

Greetings all,

I have been aware of a pattern where I pine for an ex for quite some time after it's over. These are usually people whom I have fallen for, not all of the guys I have been involved with. I have a full life and always make myself a priority, however I notice that I pine for a past ex until I find someone new whom I enjoy and really like. I am also quite fussy about who I like so it takes me quite a long time to stop this pining. Some days I think of the person and others I am fine and don't care.

I wonder how common is this as I am sure I am not alone in this. I had thought of the best way to deal with this but I think the best thing is to accept that I do this as it is human. I guess I have to accept my mind pines for a while after I've fallen for someone. It doesn't make sense to fight it.

The Dogma of the People

Greetings all,

I've heard many negative attitudes towards Catholic schools and churchs. I went to a Catholic school, elementary and high school. Some people seem to think we are brainwashed. In my education, we were not brainwashed. We were taught subjects like everyone else. We were taught math, physics, chemistry, biology, history, etc as they taught in regular schools. God was not mentioned at all.

The only difference between a Catholic school (in my day) was that we had to wear a uniform and we had to take religion class. This is where we learned about our religion. In grade 11, we had learned about the major religions of the world. I don't know if in the public system they learn anything about other religions. Maybe they don't get exposed to religion education until they get to university.

The other thing was sex education. I think we had our first sex ed class in grade 6. It wasn't until high school where they advocated no sex until marriage. We all know this was poppycock because the teenagers probably experimented by the time they brought this up.

I went to church a lot as a child because my mother is a regular church goer. I don't think I mind going until I hit 14 and then I started questioning religion. I remember in grade 8, everyone was getting confirmed and it was about consciously choosing to be Catholic. I was skeptical about doing it but only did it because everyone else did. I think 2 people in my class didn't because they weren't Catholic so I don't think it would have been a big deal to not do it.

We didn't have pedophiles for priests in my church. As far as I know. My mom is involved in church life, such as giving out communion so I'm sure if stuff like that was going on, she may have told us.

So many people think it's unfair that Catholics get their own school. Obviously when it first got started, it was a reflection of the people - the population was mainly Catholic. Now times have changed and more people are either agnostic, atheist or humanist.

I personally support Waldorf education so for me, I would rather see Waldorf become mainstream.

I've had my own beef with the Catholic church but I don't think religion will go away. People will always desire religious community in some form. I just would like people to be more open minded towards religious schools and not assume we who have gone through it are brainwashed and poorly educated.

The other thing that bothers me is that people think if you have a religion, you obviously believe in all its theories. The truth is that many people do not agree with 100% of what a Church stands for. It's like a company. Chances are you belong to a corporate environment but you do not 100% believe everything they do and believe. But you still belong to it.

The Church has to have a tenant of beliefs to stand upon. They have to have values that all churches of the same belief 'agree to'. Does this mean all Catholic people believe in it? No. How about we talk to people as individuals instead of lumping them all and assuming they all share the same beliefs.

Religious freedom means letting people have the freedom to decide whether they want to associate with a religion or not.

Missing the Car

Greetings all,

It's been my first week without a car and I hate it already. I have to take 2 streetcars now to get to my Sat Nam Rasayan class on Sundays. I stopped by Kensignton Market and bought something for my dad for the upcoming Father's Day after my class. Usually I feel spacey and don't want to be around people so the ride home was awful for me because there was so many people and I feel more vulnerable to the energy around me so it just grosses me out. In my car, I just get a little flustered from all the traffic, but at least I have some feeling of privacy.

I had a job interview today and it was all the way up on Sheppard and Dufferin. It probably would have taken me about 40 minutes by car to get there but I have to take the bus and then a subway stop and then back on the bus. It took about an hour. I went home a slightly different way and took the subway all the way to Bloor and took the bus home but waiting for the bus took over 10 minutes and then 2 of them come along.

My patience is short to begin with and I am missing the convenience of a car. I have to get a job first before I can even consider a car. As well I want a condo and that costs money too. It just seems like every time I try to move forward in life, I just get pushed back. I'm tired of fighting and struggling. I've been out of work for almost a year now and this is looking bad on my resume. I've been job searching since September. I am poor! We talk about poverty in other countries. Fuck that, it's happening here!

Goodbye Car!

Greetings all,

I put my car down on Thursday. It was a sad moment for me but I knew it was coming. I took my car last week to another mechanic as I got a groupon for an oil change and inspection. I wasn't able to use it, because they wouldn't work on my car due to spring issues. I decided to go this week to my regular mechanic for their opinion and they said driving my car would be dangerous. I've also had some problems with some fluid leaking. Can't remember which but he said that fixing these things would be too expensive.

I'll miss my car. I've had it for 12 years. I've had sex in the backseat. I'll miss blasting music around and my freedom.

I am thinking of getting one of those 3 wheel scooters by Piaggio called MP3. I don't know how I will do without my own car. I mean, living in Toronto, I have fairly decent transportation but I have an independent spirit and like doing things on my own. Maybe the scooter is just what I need so I don't feel stifled. I have read people can use them all year round. They are safer too because of the 3rd wheel. They cost a lot, but not as much as a car. And they save on gas too. Parking it around the city would be free.

Greetings all,

I had this really amazing dream Sunday night, which I think was related to my Sat Nam Rasayan class. We only had 3 people show up and so I had 2 people working on me and then we switched. I wonder if having 2 people work on me created this type of shift internally.

My dream was about 2 men and I am not sure if they were the same man. They were my love interests but with the second man, he radiated such love and it felt amazing. It was nice to feel such love emanate from someone towards me, even if it was just a dream.

Success

Greetings all,

I've been pondering this concept of Success lately. For me, I have been wanting to achieve material success for quite a while but never really felt like I have. I have friends who've gotten their degrees and gotten good jobs and have homes. I think in some way they are lucky. For me, I don't see myself going to school. Maybe when I am older. I have considered going to school but just don't feel drawn to it. I have the intelligence to go through it but if I don't feel drawn to something, it's hard for me to muster the motivation to do it. I have to believe in it I guess.

I have one friend who has worked at the same company for 10 years. I think she is lucky and think this 'success' was little of her doing. I on the other hand have worked at over 50 different companies (I was a temp for 3 years) and have been laid off 3 times in my 10 year work life. The difference is that I don't have a science degree but I do know of some people who have these kinds of degrees and still struggle. A degree doesn't guarantee you anything, although it does help some people out. I'm not against education but the truth is some schools are just in it for money and are a business.

From an Anthroposophical point of view, I see this more as an issue of karma. I am not sure I can 100% believe this but it seems to me to be the best way I can make sense of it.

People have good things happen to them and they do not earn it. I see it as a gift from the universe. Two people can do the same actions but yet one can end up with more success then the other. Why is that?

I don't want my belief in karma to seem as some fate thing because I do believe we have some choice in life. We may have difficult karma to work through but I know there are tools out there like yoga and mantra that can help us attract and work through what we want. I just think it's foolish for some people to deny that they have been blessed in their life and the blessings they have received are probably not their doing.

I don't believe in using the term god, I use the word universe. It does seem like the universe favours some more then others.

Greetings all,

I had an interview for a job about 2 weeks ago. Didn't get it. I had an interview this afternoon and another next week. I've applied to 500 positions and probably have had about 6 or 7 interviews already. It's really bad out there and some days it's tough to handle. I am trying to stay positive. I really feel lost and I am not wanting to go to school. My comedy takes a backseat and this is unfortunate. I don't have any ambition to be creative when I am stressing financially. Some people can handle it but not me. I like some financial stability and that was probably why I felt more comfortable doing comedy when I had a day job.

My first week of doing the Census work was good but now I am no longer gong-ho about it and it feels like a drag. I have 5 assignments and basically that's all I'll get to work on and hopefully I can finish it in the next 2 weeks. Once we close our district we can help others. I'm hoping by that time I can get a full time job because I am not sure how long this job will go for.

I seem to get hit on by men. Like some are flirting with me and I can't tell if they are just flirting for fun or if they want more. Obviously, I try to be professional. One guy said he liked my energy and my eyes and hair and said I can visit him again in the future. He tried to make me laugh. Now I wasn't sure if he just wanted to make me laugh because I tend to be serious or if he really was interested in me.

One guy last week, I visited him while he was on the phone. I told him I could come back later as I was in an apartment building and had other people to see. I came back and he was quite rude and didn't want to do the census but halfway he said he had to do something and came back and was all friendly with me. We ended up talking about the rapture and talking about religion. It was weird the change. Not sure if he thought I was someone doing random surveys and maybe he realized I was with the government. Odd.

Chiropractic

Greetings all,

I recently started to go to a chiropractor. When I went to the Kundalini yoga winter solstice retreat, during the meditations I became aware that I have an imbalance on my right side. A few months later I went to a Yoga conference and they had chiropractors. I went to 2 booths there and they have this area where you stand and they measure how much weight you carry on each side. I was carrying about 12 extra pounds on my right side. This prompted to see if going to a chiropractor would help.

I am on Onespout, which is a site that basically you can subscribe to and get all the info for online coupons. Online coupons like Wag Jag or Groupon have become popular, so this site collects all the deal and makes it available in one email, which is what I like.

So I ended up getting a voucher for a chiropractor visit. The one I went to has 28 years experience and I think I got a good deal as I got an assessment and 2 treatments with this package.

I had x-rays done. I was mainly complaining how I feel certain vertebraes in my neck bother me and how I have this nuisance pain in my right shoulder. He was saying it is related to the issue in the neck as they affect various nerves in the body. He is suggesting I get treatment 3 times a week for 4 weeks and then 2 treatments for 6 weeks and then I'll be on some maintenance plan.

It was interesting seeing the x-rays and I could see how some parts of my vertebrae were a little out of alignment. I will probably want to see x-rays 6 months from now, to see if there is a real physical improvement in my spine.

Greetings all,

I had my enumerator training yesterday and today. I did the Census job 5 years ago but I guess I have to go through the training again. I get paid, so I guess it's not so bad. It was pretty boring for me as I already know how to do the job. There was probably a few minor changes but essentially it's the same process.

I tried to be a crew leader for the Census but I guess I didn't get the job. So technically my boss was my competition and I found out on Facebook that she is 2 years younger then me so that just adds salt to the wound.

She seems overly enthusiastic about the Census, to the point of madness. She really believes being a part of Census will help my neighborhood since it's a ghetto neighborhood and probably underfunded for some things. Census can be used to help planners determine what areas need funding for things like age old homes or schools.

I'm not sure if I should be nice to her. I mean, I am bitter a little that she has a job that really should be mine. She has no experience as an enumerator. I guess because she was a talker and probably so 'passionate' about this job, she won them over, whereas I wasn't so gong ho.

This time around, we're getting paid by the hour instead of by piece work. I think this is probably good since sometimes when you visit people, if they are not there you drop off a Notice card and sometimes people end up calling in their information because of this Notice. Unfortunately I don't get credit for that, even though eventually it will get crossed off my list.

As well, our crew leader said that we can probably do blitzes and work as a team and do this for various apartment buildings. We didn't do this before so this would be a good thing. Our area has a low response rate so they want us to get started on doing the follow ups.

I had planned to take this job, whether I had found a job by now or not. I am only going to be able to put in 20 hours a week since I am on EI still and if I work 40 hours, I might lose my benefits. I will still have to keep searching for a job.

Realistic vs Being Negative

Greetings all,

I have been thinking lately the concept of being realistic and being negative. I think many times people mistake one for the other. Like they may be negative when they think they are being realistic or they are realistic but think they are being negative. How is one supposed to know? What makes something realistic? What is being negative all about?

I think for me, something is realistic if I think I can execute it. But on the other hand, maybe I don't think I can execute something because I am being negative about it?

Who knows really and I think the only way to know is through paying attention to your mind. I thought I had more to say on this topic but at this point, this is all I got!

American Idol

Greetings all,

I had heard on the radio that JLo is now a judge on AI and that Simon and Paula are not on it anymore. I ended up checking on Youtube clips of the show. I am surprised she is on that show. She is like an A list celebrity and doing sitcoms (technically it's not a sitcom) but typically doing a show like this to me is a lower status show. I think JLo is alright. I don't care for her voice but her songs are danceable for the most part and she can dance well so I think she has some talent and respect her enough. I just don't think she has the same skill of singing that she and the other judges are looking for in the contestants. Now I guess she has something of value to say because she knows what it takes and I think she is proof that you don't need a big booming voice to be successful in this industry.

I felt she was overdressed and overdone. She had way too much make-up and always looks so overly dressed. It's American Idol, not the Oscars. I think she should dress a bit more casual.

I was reading now how everyone is gushing about her on Youtube and I remember years ago she was so hated. I remember when she was starting to get famous, she seemed really stern and she seems more relaxed on the show. I heard her in an interview that she learned that people love you one day and hate the next so this is probably what people are doing. I remember the Ben Affleck years and there seemed to be nonsense about that.

She seems like she is settled and happy so maybe people react to a celebrity because they don't like certain things about them. Maybe now because she's married with kids, that might be a factor in her likeability but as well, maybe it has softened her and helped her be less self absorbed? Who knows.

The Media

Greetings all,

I don't have cable and I don't read the newspaper or really follow the news. I really don't pay attention to what is going on in the world. I don't have cable since I don't watch tv and can't justify the cost of a tv subscription. I am at my parents for Easter so this is when I get to watch tv and generally it feels weird to watch since I just don't have the attention sometimes to watch a show. I managed to watch Celebrity Apprentice. I think for me, if I don't feel interested in watching it in the first few minutes, I just can't be bothered. There are so many other options out there. As well, I don't find much shows engaging and tv is such a passive activity that I don't care for it much. I watched a lot of tv when I was a kid but when I hit first year university, I just stopped and watched on occasion. I think tv is limiting and I was more attracted to being engaged in the real world. Although I do think tv can be useful, it mostly is garbage.

Anyways, I am now hearing about Prince William's wedding on tv. And I hear of all other stuff. And all of it, I don't care about. The main reason I really don't like to hear news is because I find it's not necessary information. Most news out there isn't going to affect me and I can't do anything with the info. It's a waste for me so I end up not listening to anything, which I think can potentially have a downside. But I end up hearing about shit anyways. I heard about the Japan earthquake (how can you not). Important news usually gets shared by people. I think I consciously chose to not put info in my head that I don't need, because I want to keep my mind clear. I have read that always reading about the news is depressing and they have done studies on this. I think that's the main reason. I need to feel good about my life and I think always reading depressing stories is disempowering. Sometimes knowledge is not power. It's just depressing because we can't do much about it. I suppose we could with stories that really touch us but I think with the majority of info out there, we probably are not going to do anything with this information. If I can't act upon info, then it's useless to me. I really feel that most of what happens, we don't need to know. I already know there are murders and wars going on or how people screw each other over. I don't need to know this and it doesn't help me in any way really.

So I was watching Celebrity Apprentice, which happened to be 2 hours. So here I am thinking I have a short attention span but apparently I can sit down for 2 hours and watch something, if I find it interesting. Trump asked the remaining contestants if they would vote for him if he were running for President and they all said yes and he said he'd fire them if they didn't. I honestly think I would have said to him that I would consider him as an option but would base my decision on who else is running and what their platform is. As well, just because he has business skills, doesn't mean he has the skills to run a nation, which require a different skill set, although having business skills is one of them. Being a President requires other skills. I would tell him that maybe running for an entry level position would be better to see if he likes the field as being President is a 4 year commitment. If you don't like a business, you can quit at any time but not as President.

I was also surprised how some of the women on the women's team were catty with each other. This was a show that the winners get money for their charity. They were a bit mean about it and I didn't agree with that. It's for charity! I find though it always seems that the men can learn to deal with their differences but women just get so catty and emotional and I have seen a few of the Apprentices where the women end up behaving this way. I just don't get it. It makes me wonder too because obviously men have a capacity to get along but yet they are more prone to violence and usually start wars. So that is what I don't get! Surely if men can handle their differences in small groups, they can be less violent in the world. Doesn't make sense.

Love Triangle Revisited

Greetings all,

I had written back in January and February about a 'love triangle' that was going on in my group. Anyways, it was the guy's birthday on Sunday and he invited some of us out for dinner. I felt like there is just so much attraction that I feel and I was thinking how maybe I have to pursue this to see where it goes so after talking with my friend, I emailed him asking if the offer to cuddle was still open.

He was open to meeting up and we had coffee last night. Some of us planned to attend a BBQ on Good Friday and he emailed me that he planned to kiss me. He said he would try last night but I wouldn't let him. I think it kills the moment if you announce that you plan on kissing someone. Just do it and be spontaneous about it!

Anyways, I felt like he didn't get me and somehow we started talking about personalities and I said mine was up there. He took this to mean I am cocky but I'm just a confident person. I had joked when I went to my yoga retreat back in December that I attained enlightenment and he said that was an example of my cockiness. I said that was a joke. He just doesn't get me.

I told him how I was pissed that he went and danced with the girl and separated from our group. He apparently doesn't remember doing that. How convenient they don't remember doing this. They are both feeling types but it goes to show that even feeling types can be insensitive and unconscious about their actions and hurtful. I said because of that I don't trust him anymore. He told me he asked her out. The good thing is he didn't ask me out because no one likes to be #2 and at least he has some awareness of this.

He made it seem like there was something wrong with me. He feels I'm blocked and sees I am sensitive but I don't think he gets that he's probably sensing something in him and is just projecting onto me. I don't know what he is talking about. I am fine as I am.

The organizer is big into the Myer-Briggs personality and one aspect of a person's personality is that they are a thinker or feeler. I get the vibe that they think they are so much more sensitive then us thinkers because they are feelers and that what they feel is right. A Steiner quote that I remember is that thought is the father of feeling. So to me this means that your thoughts are what gives birth to feelings and that a thought can enlighten us to what we feel. Steiner has talked about how thoughts can reveal deep feelings and are not purely cold.

I thought as well, that as a thinker, I don't always think the 'right thoughts' and I'm sure the same thing applies to feelers. They may not interpret their feelings in the 'right way'. They may feel something but they can misinterpret it. It takes skill and emotional intelligence to interpret a feeling accurately just as it takes skill to think correct thoughts.

The bottom line is he is an ass and I gave him a 2nd chance and he just proved he's not worthy of my time or attention. I just wish I didn't feel this physical attraction to him. I'm not sure if I'll stay with this group for long. Idiots are everywhere and running away isn't a solution.

Greetings all,

My meditation experience was interesting last night. Things seem to keep revolving around the same issues and I am probably just chipping away at it slowly. Last night I felt like I just don't believe in myself. And I think this is the root of my fears and what holds me back.

As I said before, I have been aware that I am looking externally for answers but I know intellectually it's internal. Looking within on an emotional level is different then just understanding it in theory.

I guess I have to self determine and basically I know this. It's just I am working through all this emotionally and this is the challenge. It does boil down to self confidence and this is what I think I am working on.

Madness!

Greetings all,

I had another challenging week. For the past few days I was really feeling down, again I think this was due to my meditation. I had one of my most intense meditation experiences with Sat kriya on Wednesday. I went out during the evening and in the morning had spoken to an employment counsellor. I am 2 points shy of qualifying for Second Career, so It would be difficult for me as according to the labour market, it does not say office administration is a dying field. If it was, I'd have a good chance for my case. So now I am left with what to do with myself. I can still find a job and go to school part time.

Anyways,I had been feeling down and I have been doing my sodarshan for 22 minutes and I did Sat Kriya for 22 minutes and at the 11 minute point, I just had enough of things and felt myself standing up to the bullshit in my life. I was really pushing past some deep seated fears and it was intense. It was weird and emotional at the same time. I felt better the next day but I still feel there is more emotional debris lodged in my head and I just want it out. All out! I just don't know how long it will take, as I have done lots of emotional work on myself. I have made progress.

I find sodarshan hard at times, because I think it is really challenging to my ego and the negativity I hold on to.

I went out Wednesday night and felt really out of it and spacey. I was glad that I cleared out my emotional stuff Wednesday night as I felt better on Thursday.
I don't believe in books like The Secret, because based on my own experience, I find the only way to become more positive is by really feeling the negative feelings and letting them go. A kundalni book mentions this that many techniques just force you to replace one thought with another, but that never gets to the root of the issue. The point is to get to the core belief and really experience the pain behind it.

I feel I am looking for some permanency in life but most of what we experience is only temporary. I know in theory, the only permanent thing is our soul and spirit. Experiencing it is another story. I do feel like my mind is so untrained and that I have over identified myself with my mind. I have experienced this feeling before but I am experiencing it on a deeper level. I do feel like my mind is supposed to serve me, but it has a mind of its own, which is no good for me.

I have felt these past few days that I am looking outside of my self for answers that I know intellectually are inside of me. I feel like I am trying to see what others have done and I think if I do what they did, maybe I can figure out what to do but I have to really accept that I am unique and that my path is unique. Maybe I am afraid of my own light and strength because I don't want to stick out or something. Maybe by being great, I feel that it separates me from people. I am not sure yet how to interpret this. I have a hard time accepting this at times because I want some formula to success that I can copy but it doesn't work like this. I don't know if I'll ever be successful. It's obviously important to me, but success is really something I determine for myself. No one can tell me if I am a success or not. It's up to me to decide.

I feel as well, that I need to be at peace with myself and what happens around me. I think this meditation has brought to my awareness, the thoughts that aren't nice but I have to acknowledge them.

I just want to be free but I see how I am limiting myself and basically imprisoning myself.

Time seems to move so fast. You just want to make it stop. I think on some level, the way time moves, it is scary. I have no control over it and we can't make it stop.

Sodarshan Chakra Kriya

Greetings all,

For the past few weeks I have been working with Sodarshan Chakra Kriya which has been labeled as the highest meditation to do in Kundalini yoga. I tried it last year a few times and noticed nothing. I first tried it for 10 days and then months later for 30 days. I didn't feel very much so I never bothered to finish my 40 day discipline. I am starting it up again and for some reason, it actually seems to be bringing up stuff and has been intense emotionally.

I have been reading some people's experiences with this meditation and other meditations in general and there seems to be a lot of emotional stuff that comes up and gets processed and for some it would cause some depression if they did it too much.

These past 2 weeks have been hard for me, especially since I've been job searching for over 6 months and I am in some sense giving up. You can't put all this effort into something and get no payoff.

This week I have been feeling really heavy and I think it's the meditation. Last night was intense emotionally for me but I still feel some heaviness. I was posting on the forum how doing this can make you feel like you are crazy and sometimes you wonder if you are addicted to the negative emotions. But I think it can be hard to realize there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I know with other meditations I did, it was intense in the beginning and eventually calmness would be experienced and it wasn't always about feeling anger or sadness, etc.

I definitely felt myself resisting something and I just surrendered to it, although with great difficulty and reluctance.

I have to make sure I stay grounded so I do navel sets and might go back to doing nahbi kriya. I was doing various ones and it's important to do navel work so that it keeps you grounded but also helps to maintain the effects of meditation longer. I am cleaning my apartment today so that is good.

Greetings all,

I had a group interview on Friday. I'm tired of job searching and I think if I don't get this job, I'm going to go back to school. Just fed of not finding anything. I have had more interviews and sent out more resumes then back in 2009 and it's just ridiculous. Not sure at this point if I would go to university or college. College might make it easier to get a job and I might potentially qualify for Second Career and get my schooling paid for. My only problem is that I have really nothing that I am drawn to. I would want to go take a program that the graduates are in demand. Too many schools just crank out diplomas to make money, not really paying attention that their students may not find work in their field.

If I go to university, there are many programs I could take. I just know comedy is something I am interested in but I don't see how going to school would be useful so I probably would take something like math or economics. I like psychology or environmental science. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I am not sure where I see myself.

The other option was to just take a crappy job like a waitress and pursue my comedy on the side. I think either way, I will pursue comedy because I think doing that makes me most happiest. I think to be a professional, I have to hustle more and I'm just not at that level and that might take time.

I hate my life sometimes. Damn karma!

Kundalini Teacher

Greetings all,

I had ran into a Kundalini teacher on the street last week. I only took one of her classes. This was a donation class so she was teaching it for free. The class was supposed to be an hour. She was late by about 10 minutes and we ended up only doing a few exercises. There were 4 of us and during one exercise a student challenged her about an exercise. She was saying that she did it another way and the teacher wanted her to do it as she said to do it. I guess the student was being a bit of a brat because it may have been better to speak out about the exercise after class. When you are learning something, usually it is best to just follow the instructions and I didn't see a point in bringing up how you've done it differently.

However, as mentioned, we didn't spend much time doing exercises and I think for about 15-20 minutes, the teacher was lecturing us. She was lecturing about how when she says how to do something, that is how we do it and she lectured on about other things and overall, I felt this class was a waste of time. We could have done a few more exercises and I probably would have felt the class was useful. I basically felt she was being anal and a control freak. She seemed uptight and angry, considering she was a KY teacher. Most teachers that I meet that are yoga teachers, they are fairly laid back and happy. They are not normally angry and so controlling.

I had spoken to someone about her and it looks like she was just this type of person and it just wasn't her having an off day.

So when I ran into her, I got this vibe that was negative. I felt like on some level this 'nazi' vibe. Now I'm not saying she was a nazi but just this vibe of being controlling and angry. She seemed like she had some dark and negative energy in her that was very deeply embedded into her character.

Now for me, I don't understand how someone can be a teacher and not have this work affect them. I would think it helps one to deal with these undesireable qualities like being a control freak and being angry. There was a darkness to her soul and I wonder why.

Is she not serious about working on herself and so just goes through the motions? I wonder how long she has been doing this for and how much she practices.

If you do something good for you, surely it must affect you positively over time. I guess it is possible that kundalini yoga has helped her and maybe without it, she'd be even more angry and controlling.

Greetings all,

Still job searching and generally getting frustrated. I figured I'd have found a job by February. I've applied to more jobs and have had more interviews then when I was job hunting back in 2009 and I have more experience and skills and yet still no job. I really don't know what to make of this and frankly I do not want to go back to school. If I go, I don't want to go because I feel desperate, which is what I am feeling at times. I want to go cause I want to, out of my own free will.

* * *
The family cat Sally apparently has a male suitor after her. A few weeks ago my dad was outside and a cat started to rub himself against him. Apparently my dad had Sally's fur on him so that was what he was attracted to. As well this tom cat tried to come into our house. I am guessing he can sense Sally. This is quite terrible that my cat has more guys after her then me. I'm just in a fictional facebook relationship with a candy dispenser!

I am wondering if I should dump my fictional boyfriend on facebook. My friend sometimes puts him in inappropriate situations like some of his female friends will kiss my Shroom, which makes it look like he is cheating on me. Shroom is supposed to be a good and loving and devoted boyfriend. Not some playboy.

* * *
The dating/relationship forum for women is still up but no one is posting as it was to close on the 18th. Someone took the initiative to start a new one and I got to check it out. I have no motivation to continue with this board but I wanted to see what it looks like. I may check it out on occasion to see how it's doing. Right now it seems like there aren't too many posters posting but I'm sure that will change in time. Not that I care because I've learned all I can about men and I'm done with having discussions about them!