Victoria Day Weekend

Greetings all,

I had a great weekend last weekend as I had went to New York city for the first time. This was one of my goals for the year as I was hoping maybe some day I can go down to do open mics in New York so I thought I should do an introductory visit to the city if I was really serious about doing it.

I had stayed in Queens with an older woman who I met on some online forum for women. A few of them came down to Toronto back in March and stayed in a hotel downtown. We spent time together that weekend and I took them down to Niagara Falls.

I decided to take the bus as it was cheaper and I could at least see what the landscape looks like on the way there. I don't think I will ever take it again because the bus was 2 hours late in arriving but on the way home, it was 3 hours late. And with stops included, it should only take 10.5-11 hours.

I had already ordered my tickets on the 16th of May and I was going to take the 10 am bus on Monday, however, when we got on the bus we had learned that the 10 am bus already left because of an issue with another bus company, Trailways. I was on Grey hound so they were helping out this company that probably oversold on their tickets. A lot of people were supposed to get on the 10 am bus so I wasn't the only one screwed over.

We ended up leaving New York and did an express trip and skipped Syracuse. We had arrived in Buffalo but we ended up waiting there for 2 hours. My ticket said we'd leave for Buffalo at 6.30 pm but didn't leave until 9. I waited in the bus terminal for a bit and noticed this girl, probably 13, walking around BAREFOOT and with 5 other guys. Now walking barefoot in such a public space is just inappropriate and unhygienic. I figured she was probably a local. As well, being that she was with 5 other guys, she may have been a redneck and a slut so maybe that's why she was barefoot. It's possible some of them may have been related to her but whenever I see one girl with more then 4 guys, I get a little suspicious! Anyways, I wonder if she is one of those young teenagers who has a mother that doesn't love her child because I would never allow my child to be out barefoot in public, especially a bus terminal of all places!

As well, the bus was idling for the entire time we were waiting in Buffalo, which is not good thing to do, especially for the bus and for the environment. As we were leaving Buffalo, the bus was having problems running so we ended up having to switch buses, which again took some time. I think idling it may have caused problems, but being that I don't know much about cars, I can't really say for sure.

I didn't get into Toronto until 1.15 am and took the street car home. Being it was late and not much people were on it, I got home pretty quickly since we weren't making many stops and there wasn't much traffic. I had work the next day so I ended up with only 4 hours of sleep. Basically this week I took it easy and was slowly catching up on my lost sleep.

On Friday when I left, I was the 3rd last person to get on the bus. I had thought that ordering a ticket online would guarantee you a spot for the same you had selected online but no it doesn't work that way, which I don't think is right. I potentially would have to wait for another bus but at least I got on it on Friday.

When I arrived on Friday, my host was worried that I never called her as I didn't get to her place until 8.30 and I said my ticket says I'll be there at 6, which didn't happen. My cell phone was not able to get a signal so I never bothered calling. I didn't think to bug someone to use their phone because I didn't think it would be a big deal if I was late and I typically do not like asking people for help unless its absolutely necessary. My host is a bit of a worrier, which actually is one of my pet peeves. I understand people worry but if something bad happened to me, worrying isn't going to solve the issue.

On Saturday I took a ferry around Manhattan and got to see the skyline. I saw the Statue of Liberty. This ferry wasn't the ferry that took you to Staten Island where the statue is located but it had stopped in front of it so we could get a good look at it.

I had lunch with someone from the forum, whom came to Toronto. She is closer to my age and has been living in New York for over a year. She had to work for the weekend so we weren't able to hang out much but I appreciate that she took the time to meet up with me.

I then spent the rest of my afternoon walking around Central Park. I didn't know it was so big. I started from the south and worked my way up to the Jackie O pond so I think I did half the park.

I then went to the Guggenheim art museum as my guide book said that its free on Saturdays from 5.45 to 7.45. There was a really long line up and I wasn't sure if I should get in line but it ended up moving quickly so I was able to see everything there.

On Sunday I met up with another woman from the forum. It's too bad that we all couldn't be together but they actually hung out with my host last weekend so it was understandable.

We went to Ground Zero. It was actually smaller then I thought it would be. Then we went to the Memorial site which was a few minutes away.

We went to Wall St as I wanted my picture taken with the Bronze Bull that is supposed to be representing the rising of the stock market. I thought that's not really realistic since they should have a Bear (which symbolizes a fall) next to it and in the middle a panicked investor. That's the reality of the stock market!

I did so much walking on Saturday so my feet were sore. The woman I met up with wasn't able to spend too much time with me so she left in the afternoon and I just went to one shoe store and a t-shirt store. I really hate shopping but at least I could say I went to some stores.

My host lives by the beach (15 minutes) so she took me there and I officially touched the Atlantic ocean for the first time as I went down to the water and put my hands into it. It wasn't that cold.

I like the subway system as well. Toronto only really has 2 major lines so it's easy to navigate but NY has tonnes so it's more like a game to figure out which lines to take. They had a lot of new subways as well. I think I only went on 2 or 3 older subways.

I don't think I'd like to live there though but I don't know if I'll go back again this year or next. It's close enough so that I can go whenever I want to.

I felt different when I came back to Canada. I like the vibe of this country, it seems more relaxed or maybe being in America makes me a little nervous. I did see some New Yorkers be nice. I think I have this idea that they are mean and tough but some of them seemed helpful when asking for directions.

I may like you New York but I think I like Toronto just a little bit more!

Lunch time

Greetings all,

For lunch at work, I usually have lunch with the same coworker and sometimes we have other coworkers join us. Now that it's warmer out, we'll go outside to eat.

On Thursday I believe, a coworker that isn't in my department anymore saw me and said that the coworker I normally have lunch with, is outside and told me which area. I think she wanted to say 'your boyfriend' but didn't. Now how did I know this was what she was probably going to say? Well I think she caught herself in time and there was that hesitant pause and I just had the feeling that's what she was going to say. I think I gave her a brief scowl.

Now just because I have lunch with a coworker on a regular basis, that's male, doesn't mean he's my boyfriend. I'm sure some people in the office wonder but I don't care. I usually have a routine when it comes to eating and I normally like to eat around 12 o'clock and this coworker probably likes the routine we have of eating together.

It's more fun when there is at least a third joining us because he seems to be more chatty when there is a third. I personally do not find him attractive and he is not my type at all. In fact I find him to be a bit boring and sometimes I wonder if I should lunch with other people but most people where I work don't eat lunch at a consistent time, depending on their work load.

I had mentioned that I think this coworker had a thing for me, however, I could be wrong. Sometimes I just can't tell if a guy is into me or not. I think the only way I'll know for sure is if the guy throws me up against a wall and says "Paula, I want you"

I don't think this coworker is interested in me as I may have been incorrect in the first place. I would think if someone wants you, a move would have been made. As well, since I'm aware we wouldn't work out as a couple and don't feel a connection in that way, I would think men are smart about things like that and probably are aware if they have feelings for a woman or not.

Emily

Greetings all,

I will be writing about a very annoying young woman who works in the aisle next to where I sit. I believe she is between 24-26. She is not in my department as she is an Underwriter.

She lives in Oakville so she commutes on the Go train and sometimes works from home. As a born and raised Hamiltonian, Oakville and Burlington were considered the snobby rich kids, especially Oakville, so we didn't really like people from there. She actually is a very snobby person and this is probably why she irritates me so much. She's blonde and talks non-stop. She is a fashion conscious person, however some of the outfits she wears, I just think are ugly. Because I think she is an ugly person on the inside, no amazing outfit she can possibly wear will make me think she is pretty.

Now as an underwriter, they do have to reject people and they can't give insurance to everyone so you need that objectiveness. The department is essentially all women and from what I hear, they all sound like decent enough women but this one sounds like a heartless bitch sometimes. And that's probably because she is!

She has a boyfriend as well and frankly I wonder what her boyfriend is like. She sounds very closed minded and judgemental about things but also speaks with such authority. She's not inquisitive and a thinker like I am. She just acts superior. She is smart to some degree but she is terribly, terribly rude and mean. I wonder if her boyfriend is one of those pussified men who acts weak on the surface and so is drawn to bitches like that.

You know, sometimes I think stupid thoughts but I filter myself. Sometimes she just chats so much, I think she has no filter and is just seems like she's constantly got to spew crap just for the sake of it.

Most days I can tolerate her insensitive nature but there have been a few times where she drives me batty. Today was one of them. Luckily the other time she drove me nuts, I ended up searching for some kundalini yoga mantras and ended up stumbling across one that had some amazing songs so it was easy to tune her out.

It makes me wonder what her parents do for a living and what her parents are like. The sad thing is that some of these kids that come from parents with high class jobs, they act all high and mighty when the job they have isn't high and mighty.

At my last job, we had a smaller department and one of my coworkers was the same way, except she was a lesbian and she wasn't snobby. She would talk endlessly but also complain about her health and just was a general drag. And she was only 26.

I just don't understand these people that speak so mindlessly and unconsciously!

And she's fake on the phone. Because she's such a bitch in person, she has to put on a fake phone manner that she actually cares. She's not on the phone often but she's one of those people that acts all nice as pie to you and then when she hangs up, she'll bad talk the person if she was bothered by it. I can understand when dealing with a difficult person but she just seems to be like that in general.

Tick Tock

Greetings all,

I was searching the other day in my facebook inbox for some email and I came across an old email as I had messaged a friend I had 'dumped' back when I was 20. I have a tendency to save my emails and sometimes do get around to deleting them.

I dumped her mainly because I was going through a weird phase in my life and I just wasn't sure if the friendship was fitting anymore. I had ended my first year of university and decided to not continue. This was shocking I guess, being that I was the nerd and the smart one. I just wasn't feeling school and eventually I was drawn to anthroposophy. I honestly didn't know what I was doing with my life but I felt I needed to get away from the school system.

I had chatted on occasion with a friend from my high school at university and eventually his friend would hang out with us. He went to my high school as well, I just never really talked to him. Eventually my best friend and him started dating. I had felt like she changed when she was with him and I felt she became more immature. I tried talking to her about this but she wasn't listening and eventually I had to end things with her.

The thing is, she is one of those people that always has to be in a relationship. She had a boyfriend for 5 years in high school. The first time I met him, I thought he was gay. And I was right. He didn't come out to her until a few months after the relationship ended. She would always complain about their relationship issues and it makes sense after he officially came out, why he wasn't a good boyfriend. He treated her like crap and I never understood why she stayed with him.

She immediately jumped into another relationship, but this time with a distant cousin (I believe he was her 3rd cousin, not 100% sure) that was visiting from Cyprus and staying at her parents home. She fell in love in him and they had a long distance relationship for several months. Her dad was quite against it and for some reason her mother was supportive of it.

I was a little disgusted by it because it's just wrong to fall for a cousin. It's disgusting! I don't care how distant he is. From a genealogical perspective, he's close enough to be related and that's wrong!

I don't think they ended up having sex but there was definite nudity going on.

I think because she couldn't handle the relationship and was not willing to actually make it work, she ended up getting involved with the guy from my high school. Again, jumping quickly into another relationship without actually taking time to assess what was going on in the previous relationship. I don't think she actually officially ended things with him. Again, I don't think it's right to do that. If you love someone and then decide it's not going to work, you should have the common courtesy to end things with them. As well, I think she should have told the new guy (now her husband) she was dating that she still had a boyfriend but she didn't want to. Again, I didn't think that's right because you're starting the relationship based on lies and deceit. But I guess in this case, I was wrong and since they've been together for 11 years, building a relationship based on lies and deceit can still work out in the end. Stating that disturbs me but it seems to be the truth.

See because I was smart, I knew that you shouldn't jump into a new relationship so quickly after ending one but she did. But when I messaged her a few years ago, she was still married to him. And when I saw the old email a few days ago, I had learned she had a child about a year and a half ago, as her profile pic was her child and I was able to see pics from her profile (some people just need to learn to apply the privacy filter!)

So of course, many women my age are married and having babies. So I feel quite left out and 'falling behind'. I wonder when will it be my turn? My clock has been ticking for the past 5 years and I just wonder sometimes if I'll ever find love and have a family. There are times when I feel that may not ever happen to me and it is quite upsetting.

I don't understand why she can be 'successful' in a relationship but I can't. I don't know but maybe she's one of those women that is easy to please. That's the only logical explanation I can think of. Her husband was a simple beer drinking mechanic and she probably is simple too.

And maybe I'm not simple and being that I am a complex person, I wonder if simple people are the most confusing people to me. How can they not think what I think or question what I do? How can they just be content with the world?

My Karma sucks sometimes.

Getting the Love you Want - Book Review

Greetings all,

I had been reading the following book by Harville Hedrixs and it's geared for couples. I don't like the book too much as basically he is arguing that whatever wounds in childhood we experienced, we are unconsciously seeking it in the partners we choose. So if a man had a critical mother, chances are that's the kind of woman he'd be attracted to.

I can see this to some degree but I think it's too general and I don't particularly care for his style of exploring the unconscious.

The first half was discussing the theory and the second half was the 'practical application'. I didn't find it that practical but yesterday morning I read a section where he basically says that we can not look within for love, for the love and nurturing we desire, but rather have to look externally. As well, the partners we are attracted to, they are the ones that have to change so that we can heal ourselves. Of course, since this book is geared for couples, I can see his point of saying that your partner has to change. For example if you are attracted to critical men, your need for nurturance will be fulfilled once he changes as well, which is something he needs to do. But I don't know why the woman wouldn't go for the nurturing man in the first place and cut out the middle man of the critical man.

I think this contradicts everything I've ever read and have heard from people in happy relationships. I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to change and the only real power we have is to change our thoughts or reactions to things. If I expect people around me to change, I am losing my sense of power.

His exact quote was "in his efforts to heal his partner, he would be recovering an essential part of himself!"
This was applied to an example if the wife had parents who weren't physically affectionate and she was drawn to a man who was the same. He said he saw the unconscious selection process in a new way, namely that what the other partner was least able to give, it happened to be the area they needed their partner to grow. So to meet her needs, the husband would need to step out of his comfort zone and be more physically affectionate but this would help him as well. As well, if the husband becomes more affectionate, logically wouldn't she start losing her attraction to him? That's why I would think it would make sense to go after the nurturing, touchy feely people in the first place.

I think that's all nice and dandy in theory but I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to change. Again, I can see this maybe being useful for couples who have been together for a while but at the same time, they have to ask themselves, is it really worth working hard to save the relationship?

I was a little disturbed by this. I think the more I nurture myself, the more I seek respect and kindness from others. On the flip side, if people are nice to me, and I was not feeling my best, it may have an effect on me, if repeated enough.

I Hate The Unknown

Greetings all,

I can honestly say, I sometimes hate change. I sometimes fear it. I don't like being surprised. I know some people look at life as a journey and an adventure but I don't. At least not all the time. There are just too many unknowns out there and it freaks me out sometimes. I don't always live in a constant state of fear but I have my days where I experience anxiety about my future. I have tools to calm myself down and regain focus so I can manage it for the most part.

Some people just seem so trusting of life and of the world. I just don't know if I'll ever be one of those people. I would like to but sometimes I think I'll be naive and blind to reality.

The Rest of the You Tube Videos... as Promised

Greetings all,

A couple of other missions the Improv in Toronto group did was doing a Subway Dance Party. They have been doing this every year for the past few years and I don't think I'll do it again as I enjoy doing new missions and not ones I've done before.



I stayed to do an interview so you can see me at the end of the video at the 4.08 minute mark. I'm not sure if I'm really in the video much. I think my runners got into the video. I was more a subtle dancer because everyone else in the car was dancing more wilder. We had 10 people or so for each car on the train and we had enough people for 2 trains. So one person would start dancing. At the next stop, 2 people would join in and then at the next 2 more. So we continued this until everyone in the group was dancing.

The other mission I did was the Algorithm March. We had learned from a You Tube video, however, I cannot seem to find it but the night before I had practised the moves. There are only 9 or so moves so it wasn't too bad to learn. We had gone to Kensignton Market and did several times at various locations. The first march, one person is doing it. It's done again but then he is joined by us. It was fun and nerdy!

Coupling Up

Greetings all,

Lately some people around me and my social groups have been coupling up and it's kind of annoying being that I am single.

First of all, there is a couple of people on my floor who sometimes I have lunch with. They are 26 and 24 and have not officially come out to me that they are a couple(I'm probably not in her inner circle) but me and another coworker think there is something going on. Last time we had lunch with her she had said she had a boyfriend and mentioned later on how she was at the coworker who we think is her boyfriend and how she was cleaning his apartment but he didn't want her to.

They are both really nice people so I have nothing against them but it's pretty obvious that something is going on. I've seen how she orders him nicely to get a Tim Horton's tea for her. I see them together alot, just the two of them. It's like, people who are keeping a secret, do they really think that people around them aren't perceptive and can figure out stuff? Really, you're only fooling yourself if you think you can actually keep a secret!

Another couple that formed was a couple of people in my book group. The girl is 26 the guy is 34. I joined the group back in October. I thought the guy was a bit attractive but I wasn't sure if there was anything there that would happen. I don't know if it's my ego but I felt maybe he had a thing for me. But then some people are flirty in personality and that's how they are so it's easy to assume that maybe they are interested in you. If they are happy, then good for them. I am not looking for drama in my life so I feel I have to adjust to them now as a couple. Although I didn't know them too well as individuals, it feels weird because now I feel I have to relate to them in a couple sense.

Sometimes the bond between 2 people gets in the way of other people bonding to them as individuals. I can't be the only one who feels like when socializing with couples, you socialize on some level with them as one unit. Being that I've been single essentially all of my life, I always made my own decisions and didn't have to 'check in' with someone and if you want to go out with one of them, you know that depending on what you talk about, they'll end up telling things to their mate.

Finally I had a meetup (meetup.com, a site for socializing) where we did a heritage walk. I don't know them too well, although I know the guy a bit better. The girl I have seen a couple of times but never really talked to her. My first impression of her was I felt that she was a bitch. I thought maybe she had something going on with some other guy in a karaoke meetup as they had spent the majority of the night talking and then left together. I thought the guy was a bit cute but again, I wasn't sure if it could go anywhere. I was surprised to see that they are together now.

I don't know but usually when I hang out with someone, I try and figure out if it could go anywhere. I mean, I do this on an unconscious level, probably since I am single and wanting a relationship. I can usually tell when talking with someone if there is chemistry and if we are like minded enough. I only met one person whom I thought it could go somewhere (english muffin) but I guess I was wrong so I am as well, not trusting my own intuition. I had been in love before but I couldn't see it going anywhere, whereas with english muffin, I could see. So I can distinguish that sometimes loving someone, doesn't mean it will work out.

And that's what I look for when I am meeting a guy. After a while of getting to know them, I can figure out if we are on the same page. As well, I feel I need to see a future.

I'm still on the dating fence and I know at some point I will have to get back on the horse but I feel confused by my intuition. I need clarity in my life.

Anyways, I must get back to judging these people who are coupling off. For the first couple, who are coworkers. I've dated a coworker once, but I was a temp so I didn't envision my future working for that company. It's risky to date someone from work. You have a 50/50 chance of it succeeding. If it works, it's worth the risk but if it doesn't, it'll be a major pain. It's not always the best thing to mix business and pleasure. Since this couple at work seem like nice people, I don't see it becoming ugly.

As well, I don't know why my coworker would even consider cleaning a man's apartment! She's one of those nice girls and this is just so very wrong to do. Men do not like to have a new girlfriend do those things. It's acting like a mom. When my parents came down to Toronto last Friday, I didn't have a clean apartment for over a month. My bathroom sink was dirty. My mom came in to use the washroom. I should have anticipated she'd come in to pee as she always needs to pee. When I came home I saw that she had cleaned up my sink. I was angry since it was my mess and I didn't want her to clean it up. I planned on cleaning my apartment that weekend and was annoyed.

Anyways, back to never cleaning for a boyfriend. You just don't. I should tell her it's not right. It's emasculating. Luckily the other coworker is not an asshole and I can see that kind of behaviour being taken advantage of. If a man is dating you, you don't have to do a thing. Just be nice and look pretty and get to know him. Not obligated to do a DAMN thing!

I really have not much to say about the 2nd and 3rd couples, except with the girl in the bookgroup, she does the same thing and helps to clean up. We have tea and she'll clean up sometimes. You're not married and not living together. You don't have to clean up. I sometimes will never understand nice girls. I'm nice but not that nice.

I just have to keep focused on my own goals and myself and not let these events around me distract from my focus as sometimes I wonder when will it be my time to find the right person. I've waited long enough but I guess I have to keep waiting. And I hate waiting!

The Perfect Popcorn

Greetings all,

Today I had made stove top popcorn and I managed to make it perfectly. I had no kernel left behind and nothing was burnt. It was a delight to eat and as I was finishing off my snack, I had noticed one particular popcorn that had its own face, with perfect eyes and a gaping mouth.

Enjoy my greasy finger tips!

The angle shot





In the above photo, you can clearly see how well defined the holes are, thus making it look like a pair of real eyes.

At this point in time, I have not yet eaten it. I don't know if I should eat it or not, it is human to me now. I have bonded to it. But alas, at some point I will consume it and me and the popcorn will be One. For now I will let it have a free existence in my popcorn bowl.

What a blessed day!

Some You Tube Videos

Greetings all,

I joined this group last year that does pranks (missions) around the city of Toronto. We recently did one at the ROM (Royal Ontario Museum) where we protested protests. I am the nut job in the yellow t-shirt who yells at the 45 second mark. That's probably the biggest scene I am in.



This one is a dance that we did at the Yonge and Dundas Square. We did this I think in November and learned the dance moves in a few hours. Lot of work but it was fun.



I'll show the rest of videos from our missions another day.

Wedding Time

Greetings all,

I had a wedding to attend last night for a relative. I had wrote a while ago how I went to the Bride's shower, whom is not my relative. She had rubbed me the wrong way as we were leaving at her shower. Not sure exactly what happened but I got this vibe she was some control freak. Since I am a free spirit, people like that sometimes get me riled up.

My mother had told me on the wedding invitation that it said to arrive at 5:00 PM sharp and that actually aggravated me. It's interesting how one little word to me conveys the mentality of the Bride. I can understand saying 'Reception at 5, Dinner promptly at 7' but to tell us to arrive at 5 promptly.

OH
NO
YOU
DIDN'T!!!

I was cleaning up my apartment on Friday night and only did parts of it. I usually clean my apartment once a month and I think I didn't clean for 6 weeks so it was quite messy. I ended up having to finish cleaning it on Saturday and then I had to remove the hair on my legs. I use one of the electric hair removers that pull it from the root so it takes a bit of time. No it doesn't hurt and it's really the best thing for me to do. I used to have laser done but ever since I moved out, I was not able to afford the cost as it can be expensive. I do have bald patches on my legs but I probably could have a few more sessions done to permanently get rid of the rest of my hair. As well, I normally don't remove my hair in the winter unless I have to and this was one of those "I have to" occasions. I had these 2 things that I needed to do and I didn't want to feel rushed to do them. I was in a bad mood too. I felt like I'll show up when I'm ready, not when you tell me!

I didn't get to Hamilton until 5pm and we probably didn't get there until 5:45 because I had to get dressed and slap on some make up. I'm one of those smart women that can get ready quickly. I don't drag out my prep time! Now I don't know if the Bride was saying they start at 5pm prompt but I got the impression they expected us there at 5pm. There was a long line up to greet the bride and groom.

I find these things so boring now, especially since I don't have a date and just chat with relatives. I'd probably have more fun if I had a date that I could have meaningful intellectual discourse because I just end up getting bored. The meal was drawn out until 9.30 or 10 pm. I would rather eat faster and party longer. It was done at 1 and it felt like the dancing portion went by too fast. I at least enjoyed the later part of the evening since I danced with my cousin-in-law.

The Bride had a best friend of over 10 or 20 years and the first thing her best friend described her as was 'what she wants she gets'. This is not the first thing I would want my best friend to describe me. I don't know the bride but this was just another piece that made me think she's some type of control freak. Usually you would describe someone first as they are really nice or are kind and funny or smart. The first thing I wouldn't want to be identified, especially as a woman, as someone 'what she wants she gets'. Certainly there is nothing wrong with setting goals and achieving them. It's not an 'open to life' mentality. More like 'bend to my will bitch' mentality.

Her speech about her new husband (my second cousin) was very practical and logical and dry. His speech was heart warming and sensitive and he was getting emotional. I would think that if I were describing my new husband, I'd show some vulnerability and open up emotionally how I felt about him. I guess not everyone is like that. They were high school sweethearts as well. His older brother got divorced a few years ago from his high school sweetheart because she fell in love with another man while going to school. I should hope the same thing doesn't happen.

I think it's weird that people marry their high school sweetheart. I guess they are lucky in a sense but they don't really get to experience and explore other people. I guess maybe relationships wasn't a karma they had to sort through?

They are 5 years younger then me, so they are 26. Already have a house and have good jobs and seem to have their lives together. So I felt a little down about last night but overall, it didn't drag me down too much. I have had some of my book group friends in Dundas tell me their mom didn't have kids and marry until 40. I know they were trying to cheer me up but I sure hope I don't have to wait that long to find the right man.

It bothers me to think that while I'm still single and doing things on my own, people younger then me or my age have someone they can share and build their life with. That's what I want too and sometimes I wonder when it's going to happen to me. I make the best of my life and keep active but I still don't understand why because I feel I deserve a meaningful relationship. It doesn't bother me as much because I just have to keep focused on my life and what I want. It's the whole concept of keeping up with the Jones. They have a house and a relationship and I want one too and it's not fair that they have one and I don't. Oh well, just gotta keep my eye on the prize!

I had been joking around with my mother as well as to what they would say at my wedding because the Bride's parents talked about the couple. I want my mom to praise me and to say that I have a profound level of compassion for humanity.

I don't have a best friend either so I am wondering who I would get to give my speech. I have some good friends I guess I could ask them to talk about me.

World Economy

Greetings all,

My book group started to read a new book as we had finished a few weeks ago, Steiner's Toward Social Renewal. We are reading the 14 lecture book World Economy. We started it last week and made it through the first lecture. I read the book about 8 years ago but I really enjoyed it and it made sense to me in a way I couldn't explain.

In TSR, Steiner mentioned in the last chapter how Germany needs to change its thinking instead of expecting reality to conform to their ideas. This was pre WWII Germany. Because Germany didn't want to change their ideas, things got really messed up in the first World War. Steiner wasn't around for WWII.

As well in the first lecture of World Economy, he talks about the same idea of Germany needing to change its idea so as to understand reality.

When I was reading these sections, I felt like I am 1850-1920 Germany! I felt last year my whole life fell apart and that if I wanted my life to get better I had to let go of some of my ideas instead of expecting reality to conform to my thinking. Steiner thought at the time Germany needed to change in order to solve their problems and they didn't seem ready at the time and it created alot of chaos and disorder with WWI.

I know it's not easy to realize that maybe you have to be the one to change your ideas but that's what I felt I had to do. It's not easy and it's painful and a blow to the ego. Reality is not easy to escape but we all in some way have these beliefs that don't correspond to reality and we all know in the end, reality will win, not what we ignorantly cling to in our minds.

In the World Economy lecture he compares how Germany turned into an agrarian society into an industrial one versus England. He said Germany was very analytical about this process and there was a lot of public discussion whereas in England, it was an instinctual process for them and they just became industrialized. Their thinking was mobile whereas Germany was not as mobile in their thinking and that was why Germany was so analytical and discussing so thoroughly this process.

I feel I am behaving the same way as Germany and am consciously trying to evolve by over analyzing things. I think it's more of a hindrance than a good thing. I'd rather evolve instinctively and just do it and I feel I am a mobile thinker to some degree but feel I have to work on it more.

Since I'm in a different place in my life now, I wonder what I'll extract again from this book. Steiner started to talk about the concept of Capital and someone in my group said something about things getting wild. This triggered an image of Girls Gone Wild and then I thought of Capital Gone Wild. I am wondering if I could make a joke of this. It was one of these jokes you had to be there to get!