I finished knitting the back of my sweater and it isn't large enough for me. My mother made me use a needle that was 2 mm smaller because she thought it would be okay and she didn't have the right size. Now it turns out I'll have to redo all of my work, which is upsetting for me because these last few days I've done doing lots of work on it because I wanted to spend a month for each part (front,back,2 arms). I guess I'll have fun destroying and unwinding it.

I sent out a letter to this temp agency that I've worked for. I've worked with them for several years. They didn't pay me for a shift back on August 30, 2005. I wasn't able to keep proper track of my hours because they misplaced several of my paystubs. I called them in January once I finally got all my stubs. I called a few weeks later to see if it's been resolved and I find out that the person I spoke to about my wage issue no longer works there. I still continued calling the agency and asking if this was resolved but no one got back to me. A few weeks ago the manager offered me to work at this one place and she would offer me Tim Horton gift certificate to make up for the lost wages. I wasn't interested and I'm certainly not going to accept Tim Horton certificates because I don't even go there often! So I spoke to the Ministry of Labour and this company violated Section 12 of the Employment Standard Act which is that they failed to give me my paystubs on time. I also found out that the government investigates on your behalf if you have a wage problem, for up to 6 months. Well the agency gives me this offer after 6 months and so it's too late for me to take it to the government.
So my letter stated that I'd file a complaint against them for violating Section 12, which will result in a fine and that I would take them to civil court if this issue was not done in a swift and timely manner. I was quite disgusted how they avoided my problem and kept putting it off. I hope that this gets resolved because I don't want to take this to court but I will because that's a day's pay and it's just wrong for someone to work and not get paid for it. I'm also going to let their Head Office know. I'm expecting to hear from them this week so what I'll do next is dependent on how they respond to my letter.
If there's one thing I won't tolerate is people committing a crime like this and being so immoral and wrong. I won't stand for injustices like this. They decided to screw over the wrong person.

I have evidence as well. I wrote in my journal that I was scheduled for 3 days and they cancelled my August 30 shift only to call me on August 30 to work for someone in rework. Normally I was in the printing or moulding departments but that day they had me work for someone else. The company said that I didn't work that day so I told the agency in the letter to speak with this person whom I worked for as she is the one who needs to be held accountable.

I know this sounds kinda lame but I'm going to go 'street' on you all.

These people are gonna go down and anyone that fucking messes with me is gonna go down. You don't mess me with me cause I'll fucking take you down. I've been disrespected and I'm going to put these mother fuckers back in their place.
Let that be a lesson to y'all who fucking think your better then me. You screw me over, I'll never forget. I'll write you off like a tax deductible. You mess with me I'll tear your fucking organs out and feed them to orphans.

So hopefully everything works out okay.

Wow, I am so glad now that I can quantify my selfishness. Note the sarcasm.

You Are 27% Selfish

In general, you are a very giving person who treats others very well. But at times, you insist on getting your way - when it matters most to you.

How Selfish Are You?

My Puss-say Cat

Here are some pictures of my cat Sally. We got her 10 years ago at the SPCA. I believe in love at first sight because when I saw Sally, I knew that she was the one I wanted. She is so beautiful. I tell her everyday that I love her and that she is beautiful. I never tire of saying it.
She doesn't feeel the same way I do about her. She is one of those aloof cats and isn't really affectionate. She hates people as well. She hisses at my 2 brothers who come over every Sunday. She hasn't registered the fact that they are apart of the family even though they don't live here.
I find my cat incredibly sexy. If I were a male cat, I would totally want to get it on with her. She just oozes a sexualness when she walks. However, I Paula, the human would never seriously consider getting it on with her. First of all, she's a cat. Secondly she's a female and I'm not into the whole girl-on-girl thing and finally, Sally wouldn't give me that emotional attention and affection that for me is very important to have in a relationship.

Anyways, here's Sally, the love of my life. Gosh, isn't she so fucking beautiful! And hot!

Happy Easter!

I enjoyed this long weekend. I went for a real hike with a friend of mine on Friday and it also involved climbing steep muddy, rocky hills and going down them. I didn't know we'd do that but I guess we were up for the adventure. We both got quite muddy. We would use the roots of trees to help ourselves up this one really steep hill. We thought we were stuck once we got to the top of this area and we thought that the only way back was to go back down. The best route was this rocky area and my friend went first. She was coaching me down the beginning as it was quite steep and there were minimal secure places to step down. It was quite awkward for me because if I'm going down a hill, I'm more comfortable facing forward. I had to face the rocks and basically have my back face forward. I think if I were to do that again, I'd be more comfortable. It went against all my natural instincts. I was quite appreciative to all the rocks and tree roots that helped to make climbing up and down these steep hills easier.
We had some good conversations. She has a father that's bi-polar manic depressive and I have 2 schizophrenic brothers. We both had a stage when we were in our early 20s where we felt quite depressed. It was interesting to hear her say she was worried in her 20s that she too might become mentally ill like her father because that was something I was always concerned about as well when I was growing. That's no longer a concern for us. Maybe about 4 years ago I really felt like I've passed that risky stage where I could become mentally ill. I'm safe now.
I find it interesting that we both had these similar fears that we could become mentally ill. I'm at this point in my life where I feel like all of my problems and feelings are not unique. Everyone's had the same fears or problems and I'm not alone. It's quite liberating.
We're all more all alike than we want to admit. It really is an illusion that we are separated.

But there are people who probably are not like us. I finished reading a book entitled "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. That's right I actually read non-Steiner books. I think I read more non-Steiner books. I just have always found Steiner more stimulating but I have read the occasion good non-Steiner book and this one was one of them. A sociopath basically has no conscience and so they can do anything without feeling guilty. They are only concerned about dominating others. For them experiencing emotions such as caring and love is something that they are not capable of. Not everyone who is a sociopath is a killer or a criminal. They can be freeloaders or just shit disturbers who aren't interested in people unless it serves their own personal agenda. About 4% of the American population is sociopathic. In Japan it was under 1%. Western culture definitely supports the selfish drive of the sociopath.
An important sign in recognizing a sociopath is that they actually enjoy being pitied. They thrive on people pitying them.
Sociopaths also can be found in positions that we would usually associate with someone who has a conscience such as a doctor or a principal. It's quite necessary to challenge authority and not just assume someone is a good person just because of their job. The book references an experiement showing that 6 times out of 10, people will submit their will to that of a perceived authority even if they are required to do something that they consider immoral. It would cause them great stress but they still obeyed authority.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 4 - Her Bedroom

Happy Good Friday!

Our last stop is my mother's bedroom. Here are a few items that are on her chest of drawers.

The Pieta in Giant Hands

This item my mother purchased of the Pope John Paul II after he died and it contains a rosary. I think she bought it when she was in Italy, but I am not 100% sure.

Pope John Paul II Rosary Container

The following item is a picture that hangs over my parent's bed.

Mary and baby Jesus

The final stop is the dresser. An abundance of religious items can be found here. This item here is an angel paperweight and on the rock it is inscribed, "Each day is God's Master Piece". I think someone gave this to my mother as a gift.

Angel Paperweight

This item is another gift given to my mother for her birthday from someone in her parish. My mother's birthstone is the amethyst. Mine is a garnet if any suitors are interested in purchasing me jewerly.

Crucified Jesus on amethyst with angel

Here is a giant Mary. It has been rumoured she had a growth spurt after Jesus' crucification. After her growth spurt, she was now physically able to hold the cross of the crucified Jesus.

A Sad Mary

Mary poster

Giant Mary statue

And here's the standard Bible.

Holy Bible Container

Holy Bible

St. Anthony

Finally, you can't call yourself a Catholic unless you actually possess Holy Water, which is water blessed by a priest.

Holy Water

This four part series of my mother's religious paraphernalia has been concluded. She has no idea that I keep a blog (as she is technically clueless and probably has never heard of the term, 'blog') and that I have publicly posted these pictures. All pictures have been put up for innocent amusement and no maliciousness was intended.
All jokes made towards Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and any other religious entity has been approved by God.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 3 - The Basement

Greetings and Salutations,

Today we wlll venture into the basement. As you can see we have another religious calendar. This is a St. Anthony calendar. My mother subscribes to St. Anthony Messenger and they included a calendar. I actually like to read this magazine because they do bring up social issues that are going on in the world. I don't agree with certain ideas but I find that it is thought provoking so I can at least respect it because of that.
This calendar doesn't look particularly religious. As you can see this month's picture features a man getting run over by a wagon. In the text box it states that as this man's life is in danger, St. Anthony decides to save his life. If you take a closer look at the picture, you may notice that the wheel is a danger but if you look at that white object next to the wheel - it looks like a bent hoe actually - it looks like it's going to slice his head if the wagon doesn't stop. Heartwarming isn't it? Pray to St. Anthony so that you don't get your head violently sliced off by a run away horse carrying a wagon.
Yes.
Very modern advice.

St. Anthony Calendar

As an avid wagon engineer, this little 'hoe' serves no actual purpose in the design of this wagon. It has been designed simply to slice people's heads off if they get caught under the wagon. Slicing the head off also makes it easier for the wheels to further destroy your body.



On top of the entertainment unit we have this replica of St. Peter's Baslicia. I think my parents bought it last year when they went to Italy. Tacky eh?

St. Peter's Basilica

Our last item is this Franklin Mint Plate of Praying Hands. Of all the religious items my mother owns, this one I actually like. When I used to do yoga downstairs (I do qigong now!), it was nice to focus on the praying hands when I was doing a balacing posture such as The Tree pose. It actually helped me to quickly get into a mode of reverance when I did yoga because the praying hands are a symbol of reverance.

Praying Hands Plate

Our last stop will be my mother's room.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 2 - The Living Room

Greetings and salutations,

Today I will show you the paraphernalia of our living room. Our first stop is this picture of Mary and Jesus. I believe it is a crocheted poster my mother purchased. It is on the left side of the wall as soon as you enter our living room. We were renovating the entranceway these past few days so that ladder that you see is no longer there.

Mary and Jesus

We will now stop and take a look into the entertainment cabinet. This is a picture of the Egg Nativity scene. Why we have something of a Christmas nature displayed all year round is beyond me.

Egg Nativity Scene

Next is this egg of these cherubims or seraphims and they are cooing over our precious baby Jesus. I will just call them uber angels because I don't know exactly what they are, but I think they are above the angels in the spiritual hierarchy. I could be wrong. They might just be angels.

Uber Angels and Baby Jesus

We will now journey to the cabinet on the left. This angel that you see is one of the angels my mother has crafted.

An Angel

Here is another Jesus, Mary and Joseph ceramic. Where's God in all of this? Don't you think God might get a little annoyed that he's never part of the pictures that features this family. After all he did knock up Mary. I know he's supposedly invisible but couldn't they symbolically integrate God into these family portraits?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph

Here we arrive at more angels. My mother also crafted the angel on the right.

Angels

The final stop is this lovely statue by Michaelangelo entitled Pieta. Here Mary is holding the crucified Jesus. She is quite young in this statue and it has been postulated that Mary is holding the baby Jesus but we see the crucified Jesus, which is the future of this baby.

The Pieta

Next entry we will make a trek to our basement.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 1 - The Kitchen

Greeting and salutations earthlings,

My mother is a religious woman and active in the church. A religious enthusiast if you will. I think she is a fairly good example of someone who is a churchgoer. She is non-judgmental and has a positive and loving nature. How I evolved from her womb and became the person I am is still largely a mystery for the scientific community.

I will be showing pictures over the next few days of all the various religious paraphernalia my mother has in the house. Today I will be showing the religious items in our kitchen.

Our first stop is the left window ledge near the sink, where we see this cute statue of the late Pope John Paul II. It creeps me out because for me it's like, "dude you got a figurine of someone who died. It's so cartoony. It's like that buddy Christ in that Dogma movie" For my mother however, it is a sign of respect.

Pope John Paul II

Next is the new Pope. We don't want to be showing disrespect to the new Pope by just having pictures of past popes so that is why this picture is next to the John Paul figurine.

Pope Benedict XVI


On the opposite window ledge we come to this figurine of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Notice how there is an Extra Strength bottle of Tylenol and a mini bottle of alcohol next to it. My father keeps these mini alcohol bottles for show in our kitchen.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph

Next we will move along to the fridge. Here are fridge magnets on the front of the fridge.

Front of Fridge

And now we shall explore the magnets on the side of the fridge. The magnet on the left quotes Psalms 3:33 stating; "Sing unto the Lord a new song". The magnet on the right is that of Mary. Did I mention she's a virgin?

Side of Fridge

Here's a magnet of St. Anthony. I believe many people gravitate towards a Saint based on many things such as having a family member that shares the same name or they have a Feast day in common.

St. Anthony holding baby Jesus

A house would be incomplete if it didn't have a Jesus and Joseph thermometer! Yes I know a fucking mini thermometer! What a crazy idea.

The mini Jesus and Joseph Thermometer

Moving right along we come to the religious calendar. Before my parents renovated our kitchen, we had 2 religious calendars but now we just have one.

Religious Calendar

Our last stop in the kitchen we find this plaque that is next to the entranceway of our kitchen. This plaque reads: Immaculate Heart of Mary Pray for Us who have Recourse to Thee. This plaque is above my eye level and I am only 5'6" so if you're 5'10" then it probably would be eye level for you.

Mary Plaque

Next entry we will journey into the living room.

Brotherhood and the Struggle for Existence

In Steiner's lecture Brotherhood and the Struggle for Existence, he briefly mentions about past scientific evidence in relation to struggling for existence. A Russian scientist named Kessler had showed that the animals capable of development and become truly progressive are not the ones that do the most fighting, but those that give mutual support to one another, that help each other. Struggle is present but the question becomes what furthers development more: warfare or mutual assistance? Peter Kropotkin, an anarchist, wrote a book entitled Mutual Help in the Animal Kingdom and Human Life which provides evidence that mutually assistance leads to progress instead of fighting.
The struggle for existence has its place in the world. It takes a certain amount of egoism to develop our talents and to take initiative but if we do not work on ourselves and develop our talents, we will be poor helpers.
Survival of the fittest is a complete myth. Many people are strong in one area and weak in others. Who determines what is strong and what is weak? It is all dependent on perspective. What I may perceive within myself as a weakness may from another more wiser perspective may be my greatest strength.
When I watch these reality shows, like say the Apprentice, it becomes quite evident that the teams that do well are the ones that make an effort to put their ego aside and work together inside of fighting.
I think it's great that we all have egos but it's also important that we can put it aside and forget about ourselves.
Brotherhood and the struggle for existence are 2 distinct streams that work in humans. We must recognize that within individuals there is something that yearns for both individuality and brotherhood/community. Neither must be denied and both must be developed.

Reality

She was beginning to realize that maybe God didn't have plans for her. She was beginning to realize the futility of life. Everyone around her had something going on in their life that was interesting. People had jobs that they liked, children to take care of, friends to socialize with. They lived their life with some sense of purpose.
All she wanted was success and a loving relationship. It was all too elusive for her. The continual search for meaning and purpose for her life left her tired. She tried becoming more compassionate and loving and that seemed to help.
Thoughts of self annihilation would continue to seep into her. She would gradually become more comfortable being herself but she found that the more she became herself, the more people withdrew from her. Her kindness and honesty were too much for some people. For some, cruelty was the norm and being loving and kind was considered violent.
She gradually become more isolated and she only had her own thoughts to entertain her. The people who she thought were her friends only trivialized her feelings and her insights. The gentleness that she was allowing people to see was being trampled upon.
She wanted to make a difference in the world. She wanted to know that her words and actions did create positive change in the world.
She was frozen. She could not carry out the will of her spirit. She did not know what was blocking her and she soon began to realize the frailty of her ambitions.
She did not know what to do with her latent potential. She wanted to bloom but could not. She knew she had to make the right choice. She did not believe in a pre-determined destiny. She believed in free will and choices.
She continued to pursue her ambitions only to have constant rejections. Unable to hold down a job. Unable to move out and become independent. Unable to attract a loving companion. Unable to fit in with her peers whom she so craved for their respect. It was becoming too much for her.
What will be her next step, her next choice?
Confusion was becoming her normal state. Her once clear and direct demeanor soon became riddled with extreme self-doubt.
What should she choose? She was constantly choosing life, choosing growth, choosing love but these paths were failing her.
All it did was leave her poor, lonely and frustrated.
What happens to things that aren't allowed to become what they were meant to do?
What happens to the rose that isn't allowed to become that rose?
What happens to the grass that isn't allowed to become that grass?
What happens to that dove that isn't allowed to become that dove?

She didn't want to choose self annihilation. She decided to continue her efforts in hopes that life will work out.
It had been 7 years and she still had found herself in the same position.
No loving relationship. No job. No independence. No purpose.
She had garnered some wisdom during this time but wisdom does not pay the rent.

She continued to apply for work in fields she wasn't interested in. She continued making meager wages and any attempt to improve her economic position was squashed and she was thrown back down the well of poverty.
She continued to pour her energy into winning the respect of her peers. She was already an outsider of society and now her outsider friends were making her an outsider. Her presence was habitually ignored. No one dared to ask her how her day was.
She maintained a sunny disposition. For in some areas of her life, she truly was happy and at peace.
At night she would search her soul and all she could do was cry.
Her life wasn't working out. She learned at a young age that you cannot plan life.
Life was taking her nowhere. Numerous attempts to take control of her life and to direct her life led her nowhere.
She was trapped and didn't know a way out.
She always believed that the feeling of being trapped was a misperception and that we always could find a way out of our misery.
She was beginning to realize that statement was a lie.
She was beginning to believe that life played favourites and that it didn't matter how positively you thought and if you had faith in the goodness of the universe.
If life played favourites, what good choices could she possibly make?

She chose self annihilation.

Spring Forward

I started to knit a few days ago. My mother is a regular knitter and she always gets the Mary Maxim catalogue and I saw one sweater that I liked and I thought I'd try to make it myself as my mother always knitted things for me. I'm giving myself ample time to finish it and since it's a winter sweater, my goal is to finish it by October. I'm not sure if I want to work on it about 10 minutes a day or maybe pick a few days a week and work on it. I want to work on it consistently though.
I've done 5 rows. My mother told me casting on is the hardest part and it took me about 5 or 6 attempts to actually realize what I was doing wrong. My sweater is simple to do. I'm starting off ribbing and so my stitching is knit 3 and purl 2 and the following row is reversed. I'm better then when I first started out. I still get the 2 stitches mixed up. Also the sweater requires that I use 2 strings instead of the usual single string.

When my mother knits in the living room, our cat Sally will pounce on the shadow of the yarn and needle. Sally was also doing this while I was knitting and she was pouncing on the shadow of my needle.