Reality

She was beginning to realize that maybe God didn't have plans for her. She was beginning to realize the futility of life. Everyone around her had something going on in their life that was interesting. People had jobs that they liked, children to take care of, friends to socialize with. They lived their life with some sense of purpose.
All she wanted was success and a loving relationship. It was all too elusive for her. The continual search for meaning and purpose for her life left her tired. She tried becoming more compassionate and loving and that seemed to help.
Thoughts of self annihilation would continue to seep into her. She would gradually become more comfortable being herself but she found that the more she became herself, the more people withdrew from her. Her kindness and honesty were too much for some people. For some, cruelty was the norm and being loving and kind was considered violent.
She gradually become more isolated and she only had her own thoughts to entertain her. The people who she thought were her friends only trivialized her feelings and her insights. The gentleness that she was allowing people to see was being trampled upon.
She wanted to make a difference in the world. She wanted to know that her words and actions did create positive change in the world.
She was frozen. She could not carry out the will of her spirit. She did not know what was blocking her and she soon began to realize the frailty of her ambitions.
She did not know what to do with her latent potential. She wanted to bloom but could not. She knew she had to make the right choice. She did not believe in a pre-determined destiny. She believed in free will and choices.
She continued to pursue her ambitions only to have constant rejections. Unable to hold down a job. Unable to move out and become independent. Unable to attract a loving companion. Unable to fit in with her peers whom she so craved for their respect. It was becoming too much for her.
What will be her next step, her next choice?
Confusion was becoming her normal state. Her once clear and direct demeanor soon became riddled with extreme self-doubt.
What should she choose? She was constantly choosing life, choosing growth, choosing love but these paths were failing her.
All it did was leave her poor, lonely and frustrated.
What happens to things that aren't allowed to become what they were meant to do?
What happens to the rose that isn't allowed to become that rose?
What happens to the grass that isn't allowed to become that grass?
What happens to that dove that isn't allowed to become that dove?

She didn't want to choose self annihilation. She decided to continue her efforts in hopes that life will work out.
It had been 7 years and she still had found herself in the same position.
No loving relationship. No job. No independence. No purpose.
She had garnered some wisdom during this time but wisdom does not pay the rent.

She continued to apply for work in fields she wasn't interested in. She continued making meager wages and any attempt to improve her economic position was squashed and she was thrown back down the well of poverty.
She continued to pour her energy into winning the respect of her peers. She was already an outsider of society and now her outsider friends were making her an outsider. Her presence was habitually ignored. No one dared to ask her how her day was.
She maintained a sunny disposition. For in some areas of her life, she truly was happy and at peace.
At night she would search her soul and all she could do was cry.
Her life wasn't working out. She learned at a young age that you cannot plan life.
Life was taking her nowhere. Numerous attempts to take control of her life and to direct her life led her nowhere.
She was trapped and didn't know a way out.
She always believed that the feeling of being trapped was a misperception and that we always could find a way out of our misery.
She was beginning to realize that statement was a lie.
She was beginning to believe that life played favourites and that it didn't matter how positively you thought and if you had faith in the goodness of the universe.
If life played favourites, what good choices could she possibly make?

She chose self annihilation.