Getting Old

Greetings all,

Being 30 thus far has not been good. I have been going through a lot of inner emotional transformation and frankly I would like for it to just hurry it up! I had a karmic astrology reading done over a month ago and I learned about certain planets in my chart that are in retrograde, which means those are things I have to relearn or redo. So I happen to be retrograde in Saturn, which is the planet of lessons or also known as Father Time or the Lord of Karma (although from an anthroposophical perspective, the new Lord of Karma is Christ).

I am not too much into astrology but I met this woman and she studied and learned about astrology from a karmic point of view and I liked that since I do believe in karma. I also am still going through the Saturn Return, which basically means my Saturn is back to where it started (my Saturn sign is Virgo) and it's going to be there until October.

Here is some info about the Saturn Return (since I am too lazy to explain it) that I copied as an explanation:

"The Saturn Return is a wake-up call, and this is why so many fear it's sobering realities. If you've spent your twenties in a fog, coasting on your youthful charm, it becomes obvious that your foundation is too flimsy for the long haul. When you're young, there seems infinite time to decide what you want to be "when you grow up." Well, Father Time swoops down as you're nearing 30 to say, you're all grown up now, pick a path."

Continuing on:
"The Saturn return brings with it the pressure of time, and often the first awareness of your own mortality. You take stock of what it would take to achieve those big dreams, and often a sense of dread at ever getting there. But happily, it's a time when things like disciplne, focus and clear-sight come in to give you a kind of pragmatic hope. You'll figure out what's still possible, and make the changes necessary to get on track.

It's a crossroads period, when life-altering decisions are made."

And finally:
"The Saturn return often creates a crisis that puts you face-to-face with your fears. And many of these have deep roots in your psyche, but they're also about living up to societal expectations. Saturn causes a mini earthquake to the foundations, and this enables you to shake off what's not really You."

I think I have been going through this and I think I am making progress, although my life is not as together as I would like it to be but I think at least I am on the right path and have made some fairly decent decisions but also made some stupid costly mistakes.

My life feels like a mess. I guess the concept of mess is all relative.

I do feel deep down that I do have to get this life right. This life is my chance for redemption and if I can at least make my goals a reality and gain the spiritual and material wealth that I desire, then I will feel better about whatever royal fuck ups I have done in this life or past lives.

I don't believe in making oneself feel bad about the past. The whole point is to learn, move on and never do it again.

Since I practice mantra, there happens to be mantras that can be used to help alleviate any potential negative planetary alignments. Although I was not really into this idea, I can believe that it is possible. We're all in the same planetary system, why wouldn't planets have some sort of spiritual/energetic effect on us?

I've worked with a Saturn mantra a couple of years ago because I heard about the Saturn Return concept. I thought that I probably didn't need to work on that since I give it a chance but I read that you can chant it each time it changes signs, which is every 2.5 years. I figure since it is retrograde in my chart, then I probably should take this mantra more seriously because I would like to learn the lessons I have set up for myself in this lifetime.

While I have tried to live my life honestly, there are parts of me that have kept me from being my real and authentic self and I have been working on shedding and letting go of that which no longer serves me but it can be too much at times.

* * *
I know I am getting old because I now start to get tired around 9-10 pm whereas before I could stay out later and not yawn.

* * *
I know I am getting old because I now feel like I can no longer engage in random sex (although never really was like that). But now I am insisting on having feelings for the person. It makes me worry that if I do end up getting married, we possibly may get divorced in my 40s (either due to me becoming bored, or my mate not growing or my mate or myself undergoing some weird midlife crisis thing) and then I'll end up being some middle aged sex crazed woman who ends up becoming a cougar.

I haven't sowed too many oats but I think I've sowed enough but you know sometimes you underestimate yourself.

My one fear is to be that person that gets married and in their 40s has some crisis or their partner has a crisis and they end up divorced. I am hoping that I'm not too naive in wanting to actually be with someone until 'death do we part'.

Independence Day

Greetings all,

Today I was talking to my mother. I usually call my parents a few times a week or my mother will phone me. I moved out of my parents back in August 2007 but today I think was the day my mother officially realized something profound, that many empty nesters eventually come to realize.

I was telling her what I was up to and then she said to me that I don't need her anymore. She has come to realize that I am independent and that I can take care of myself.

I think this is a good sign because now we can consciously have an adult relationship with each other, not based on me needing her but as adults.

I told her (I am a bit twisted) that she now should end her life because she has nothing going for her. Plus it will entitle me to some inheritance money and I sure could use some money.

Today shall henceforth be known as Independence Day as it marks the day my mother has acknowledged that I am Independent and no longer need my parents.

Fuck Men!

Greetings and Salutations,

Alright, let's get real. The title of this blog is basically pointing out my frustration with men so this is not going to be a pretty post. Basically I have ranted a bit about relationships but this will involve more ranting and the frequent use of the word Fuck and Fucking.

I went out to a meetup group last night for single ladies. Of course, what usually ends up happening is at some point we have a conversation about men and dating. Some bitterness is expressed and a general feeling of not understanding men occurs.

I've read some relationship books and so I feel I have some knowledge about men. Plus I have socialized with men and have men friends. I think I have some understanding that men are basically alot more simpler then women.

I'm just angry because men are fucking stupid sometimes. Sure we are told women are the emotional ones but really the reality is men are fucking stupid when it comes to emotions and it takes a real men to get this concept of emotional intelligence.

Men run away from a good woman out of fear and then come back after months. Does that make sense? Maybe in a man's world but not for a woman.

I'm angry because being a woman is probably a million times harder then being a man. We have to worry about looking attractive. We have to have babies within a certain time frame and we hear our biological clocks ticking. Men don't fucking have that feeling at all and it creates a real drive within a woman. Men can make babies when they are in their 70s for fuck sakes! Men don't have periods. Men can fucking leave a baby behind and not have the responsibility of raising it (although some women have abandoned their children but percentage wise, it's usually the men in the majority and the women a minority)

Men, here is an important message in case you haven't figured it out:
You have it fucking easy. Grow up already!

I saw there was a meetup group for men to understand women. I messaged the organizer because I think that's a good step for men. How many fucking women make the effort to get to understand men? Plenty, let me say. I wonder why many men actually make the effort to understand women (as people not just as something to sexually take advantage of)?

To me, men just all seem to be busy focusing on work, playing their stupid video games or racing or watching/playing sports to actually take the time to assess women. It really makes me wonder if they actually think about the people that they care about because on the surface it just doesn't really look it since men always seemed more preoccupied with THINGS rather then their interactions with PEOPLE, unless of course it involves the use of a technological gadget like texting on a Blackberry.

Basically men are just boys.

Anyways, I have read and heard about men complaining about how easy it is to be a woman but really it isn't for reasons I have discussed. That is just basically men being childish. Women haven't even been recognized as humans in many countries until the late 1800s or early 1900s. Women still aren't even recognized as humans in many countries and cultures. Men have always been recognized as humans. You've always run the show and caused a lot of trouble resulting in murders, destruction and violence. Some of you have evolved enough to realize that that is wrong.

I try to see things from the male perspective and so I can understand a bit from how they see things. But I basically think men have to put more effort into relationships and understanding women. It's just not about bringing home the bacon anymore since women now can do that and can take care of themselves financially.

But relationships are two way streets. Women can't be expected to do all the work and to learn about men. Men it's time you stepped up to the plate.

And have the fucking balls to admit when you are wrong about something or are not being honest with a woman about your fears. It's childish!

* * *
I understand that as a woman, I have my own biases towards relationships and may have difficulty taking a broader perspective simply because I am on Team Estrogen. I understand that on some level most men and women want the same thing, which is basically love, a supporting partner and sex. Come on you'd be lying if you didn't want to admit you want sex as well!

* * *
I am also tired of the single life and many people probably think it's great to be single. People think I have so much freedom. It's not great because I think for most people it's a basic human desire and need to want a companion and it is very frustrating to be looking and not finding someone who 'fits'. Then all them fucking idiots who are happy in relationships throw out stupid cliches to make you feel better like "you're better off being alone" or "you'll find someone when you stop looking"

FUCK OFF!
Those statements are all total bullshit! A good man isn't just going to come to my apartment.
"Hey I'm Jack, are you Paula, cause I got this message that you were my soulmate and I was also given your address, how convenient and kind of the universe!"

That never FUCKING happens!

It's a lot of work to go out and date people and to search for someone and it's annoying because there are some people who find someone who is right for them so much sooner and it's just doesn't seem fair to me.
It's like always being passed over for a promotion. You know you've got the goods and the skills and you just don't understand why you are not advancing.

Being single is painful, whether people want to admit it.
I am for the most part secure in who I am and have a certain level of self love and respect for myself but you can feel this pain when you are at parties and you are surrounded by couples.

But I feel the pain the most when I go to bed at night and fall asleep in my bed with no one next to me. There is an obvious lack that I feel that many couples take for granted.

Couples take what they have for granted and then trivialize the whole Single experience for us with their trite expressions. Maybe you think you are showing sympathy but you are really showing insensitivity.

This world basically boils down to the Haves and Have Nots.

You couples are in the Haves category whereas the Singles are in the Have Nots. People who have money and good jobs are in the Haves category whereas those who are poor are in the Have Nots. People with great health are in the Haves category. The sick and infirm are in the Have Nots. Doesn't it make more sense to appreciate what you have if you are in the Haves category and to stop patronizing those in the Have Nots category?

Stop complaining about your mates because there is obviously something that drew you to them in the first place. Don't talk about how hard it is to have someone. It's harder to NOT have someone. If you don't like your mate, leave!

Stop having your fucking affairs. Can't you just appreciate what you have instead of going after other single people. Leave the singles for the singles. Don't take more of what you already have. It's selfish.

* * *
I think this is what it boils down to.

We humans are by nature social creatures. Here this topic of singleness gets trivialized because no one really wants to admit that Men need Women and Women need Men. And not need in the sense that they make us happy because that's not true at all. We are all individuals and thus are responsibility for our individual happiness but part of happiness includes having co-operative relationships with people, such as friends or colleagues or a mate.

Purpose vs Lawfulness

Greetings all,

I watched a few weeks ago a movie staring Wayne Dyer entitled "Ambition to Meaning (Finding your Life's Purpose)". I thought it was an interesting movie but Dyer has made one of the many common errors that Rudolf Steiner talks about in Chapter 11 of Philosophy of Freedom. Since I was just completing that chapter for my online You Tube project, I had that concept on my mind. This chapter is about Purpose and in Steiner's day (which it still seems to be alive and well now) people believed that things had a purpose. Like animals served a purpose or things were created for a purpose. Steiner's argument was that Purpose could only be applied to the field of human action. So if I decide to go to school, that is my purpose. Whatever one has for an intention, they create purpose through their actions.

Dyer makes the huge error when in the movie he states that an acorn has a purpose. In Chapter 11, Steiner refers to that as Lawfulness. So what people typically assign as Purpose, in reality it is Lawfulness. The chapter is super short and so I recommend reading it because that is really the whole point in that chapter.

Dyer creates this whole world view based on this idea. Although I like some of what I saw in the movie, I am a firm believer in forming clear and precise concepts and here he uses the word Purpose incorrectly. It is in fact Lawfulness.

The world is not necessarily purposeful. What we perceive in the world is Lawfulness. That things have a certain order and structure and laws. That is not Purpose and much like what Steiner said, Purpose is only applicable to human action.

Steiner also talked about how the scientists in those days felt we had to understand the Purpose of nature and of the things within the world to truly know it but we do not.

Today I came across a podcast that basically used this false concept of Purpose. It can be found at: https://www.sciam.com/podcast/episode.cfm?id=why-people-believe-what-they-do-09-04-10&sc=WR_20090415&posted=1

I listened to half of it and the purpose of these experiments was to understand people's thought processes. The psychologist really did not make sense because she said at one point they conducted experiments where they asked people questions like "Why does it rain?" or "Why do owls have big eyes" to see how they answer it. One of her statements was owls have big eyes to see better, etc but I was quickly reminded of how Steiner talked about how scientists (this bitch was no high quality scientist BTW... what I call an intellectual poser!) would confuse Purpose with Lawfulness.

The first problem with this woman's argument was why even ask people these questions? There really is no answer and it forces people to make up some stupid answer when we all know the real answer is "I don't know" because no one really knows and it really is IRRELEVANT in our search for knowledge. Does it matter why an owl's eye is large? Just study it for god's sake. Why does it rain? It just does, does knowing why it rains help me with understanding the process, Fuck no! Do you think these people will honestly answer that? No they will BS their way because no one likes to be perceived as STUPID. Ms. Lombrozo, you of all people should know that.

Secondly, as a scientist, you do not study the WHY but the HOW, the process. You just study and observe and create experiments. Whether an owl has big eyes and if it helps them to see better is irrelevant of a connection. There are plenty of species out there with small eyes and great vision. Again, no co-relation but because the 'scientist' is insistent that things have a purpose, they make these false leaps in knowledge.

I believe this woman's argument is based on the faulty use of the idea of Purpose and thus is forming poor scientific data and conclusions.

Again this woman's field is psychology which is concerned with the WHY of human behaviour and she has falsely carried that over into the field of science. Science, however, does not care about the Why. It just studies things as they are. It doesn't need to know the purpose of things. The question why is really only used to help understand a process better but sometimes asking the question why just gets in the way and leads to nowhere, especially when trying to figure out the purpose of things that we ourselves did not create.

The whole reason she is confusing Purpose with Lawfulness is because her field is psychology and not science, and psychology deals with human action and it is considered okay to apply Purpose to many things as long as it pertains to human action.

I just have been noticing lately thanks to working on my Steiner project, how people are creating these false world views based on this simple confusion between Purpose and Lawfulness.

Who said a man who lived from 1867-1925 was still irrelevant??!!

Vonage Review/Testimony/Complaint/Warning

Greetings and Salutations,

I am posting about my experience with Vonage, a digital phone company. I recently canceled my service with them and I ended up being charged a disconnect fee of $50 because I was to stay with them for 2 years (I think that is absurd anyways, I've never had a job that lasted for 2 years, how can you expect people to stay with you with the way our economy is?? 2 years is an unrealistic commitment!). I don't ever recall being properly communicated that I was to stay with them for 2 years. I also called them 3 times and initially asked them what their procedure was on disconnection as I had to disconnect my internet service and was notified that I have to give them a 30 days so I assumed there must be some similar process. I was told that I could just disconnect. I was not notified of the disconnect fee and the 2 year commitment.

I wrote them a letter complaining and basically demanding a refund of that fee because it was not properly communicated to me. My letter will discuss the rest of the story. I advise people to not sign up with companies like this, especially if they with hold knowledge about their procedures.

So as you can tell by now, I do not recommend Vonage. Their service may have been okay but they are liars and misleading. If I had known upfront that I was to stay with them for 2 years, I may not have signed up with them in the first place.

Here is my letter:
Hello,

I am requesting a credit because I believe I was inappropriately charged the $50 disconnect fee. I called your company 3 times and it wasn't until my 3rd call that I was notified I had to pay a disconnect fee. I only agreed to it because I was actually moving that day. The first time I called your company, I inquired about the disconnect procedure as I was moving and my internet provider had a policy that you have to give them 30 day notice and I had only given 2 weeks.

I was not told at that point about the disconnect fee and I was just told that I can disconnect whenever I wanted.

I feel I was misled and when I originally signed up with Vonage, I was not told about the 2 year commitment policy.

I also am inquiring about how recent this policy came into effect because it may have occurred after I became a customer and therefore I was improperly charged a disconnect fee.

The 2nd time I called your company to request a cancellation for the following day, I was not notified of the disconnect fee. I was also not properly communicated in my first call that if you disconnect you are calling in the actual day you want disconnected so I ended up having to call a 3rd time.

Communication towards your customer is absolutely key to running a successful company and a successful one is where the customers are given clear directions about the service that they are using.

I believe your company has much work to do to become truly successful and I feel the service I received was inadequate.

I am furious about this situation because I feel lied to and cheated. Therefore I expect a credit for the disconnect fee. I never would have left Vonage if I was properly notified that I had to stay for 2 years but by the time I was told about the disconnect fee, I had already gone with another phone service.

I will not be recommending your service and in fact will be posting on my facebook and blog about how misleading your company is and my experience with this company.

I look forward to receiving my credit.

Thanks
Paula


UPDATE:
June 1 2009
I am here to inform that I did get a refund for the Disconnection Fee, however, I only got it because I complained to the Better Business Bureau. I tried to explain to Vonage via email how I didn't think it was a fair charge for me to receive but they did not acknowledge their mistake and I requested this get dealt with at the management level, which did not happen.

Yes She Was a Bitch

Greetings and Salutations,

As mentioned I had roommate issues earlier on this year. We lived together from October 2007-January 2009. I received a call from her office on March 29. I never answered it because there is really nothing to be said.

I think it has taken a while for me to completely let go of my anger towards her. I was still having nightmares where she would be entering into my apartment and I felt violated.

I thought about taking her to court but I wonder if that would be of any use.

Basically living with her was like living with a clean freak drama queen bitch and it took me a while to realize it. I mean, I could sense something was a bit off with her. I guess mainly because I just considered her a roommate and basically expected that my furniture not get destroyed and that rent is paid on time.

I think if I were ever to live with someone, I'd want someone who was normal and basically who was not like her.

The truth is I was living with a bitch and I wish I was aware of it sooner. She had emotional issues and made the stupidest things bigger then they are but the problem with people like that is sometimes they start deluding you into believing their delusions. I was lucky enough that I was not too affected.

The night I changed the locks, I had taped her as one of my friends suggested I do. This recording she was coming after me and later on I realized I could have charged her with assault. I showed my one friend the video and then went to a show I was performing in. I had some friends show up and was going to show them the tape but it was not working. I was going to tape my set but couldn't as it wouldn't let me see the tape or tape on it.

Today I decided to try again but I could not and so I put in a new tape to record on and luckily it was working again. I somehow think the universe didn't want me to go around showing people that tape. I thought about posting it up on youtube as well but I guess that is not going to happen.

I have a lot of pride in who I am and I think I am still holding on to anger because in some way she has made me look like I am the bad guy, when in reality it was her with the issues.

All I can say is:
Jenn you are a bitch and I hope all the pain and hostility your created comes back to you. I cannot wish you ill will only that what you put out goes back to you. Being a bitch and a bully is no way to live.

Happy Easter

Greetings all,

Hope everyone is enjoying the long weekend. I slept over at my parents as I went over to see friends in Hamilton and thought I'd just stay the night for Easter.

I am bored. My parents are quite boring. I need intellectual discourse or I will go mad!

Feelings

Greetings and Salutations,

Over the years, because of my qigong, mantra and yoga (now doing Kundalini yoga) practices, I have been getting more in touch with my feelings. I think I had suppressed alot and thus tended to be more head oriented and over the years I am now starting to pay attention to my feelings instead of just doing what was rational and logical and I find that really hard.

I don't know if it's our society and education as well but feelings aren't really scientific and I guess for some time now I have been accepting them as legitimate things to acknowledge.

I think the truth is that your feelings give you information about whatever situation you are in as long as you learn how to read them and understand them. I wonder if schools are teaching children to be more conscious on their feelings because I think learning about how to handle and get in touch with one's feelings would have been something I would have liked to learn at a younger age.

Second Life

Greetings and Salutations,

I was watching at my friend's place last night a show by The Fifth Estate on CBC about the internet game Second Life, which is basically a game where people can create an online persona and create whatever life they want and actually have to pay money for various things.

They featured 4 people and they ended up getting married in the online game. One woman was married with 4 children and her husband was getting upset that she spent all this time online. Another was a man who was married as well.

The married woman ended up meeting the man she married online because she wanted to see if she was in love with the real man or if she was just in love with the fantasy. I felt sorry for her family because she ended up neglecting her children and husband and was more interested in her online life.

She spent more then 8 hours a day on it and she was fortunate her husband was able to financially support her.

I found myself annoyed with her because it was obvious that she was just a lonely housewife who had way too much free time on her hands and needed to actually develop a life for herself in the real world instead of escaping into this false world. She bought her online boyfriend an island, which costs $400. How nice it must be to have that kind of money to throw around!

The other person was some man who ended up marrying in real life the woman he married in the game and he left his wife in the real world. They interviewed the new wife and she seemed to me to be a bit emotionally dependent on him. She said that she knows it sounds cliche but she said he completes her. Now I'm sure being in love and finding the right person for you must feel wonderful and comforting but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable using those words 'he completes me'. That just disturbs me. I wonder if people who are happily married for more then 10 years actually feel like that. Have I been naively believing that only I make myself happy and that finding a mate, just adds to my own sense of happiness?

Anyways, she also ended up learning some of his interests, like shooting a pistol and motorcycle riding. I guess when couples get together, if they have different interests, you probably end up learning a bit about their own. She ended up leaving her kids to marry him but they never said how old they were and I think they were older. The man has been married before as well so I think he's one of those men that don't really grasp the concept that marriage is really supposed to be 'til death do you part'.

They should do a follow up show 8 years from now as I would like to see if they are still together, which I highly doubt.

I don't really know what it's like to play the game and how you actually get to know people, but from what I saw, it seemed like people couldn't help but get emotionally involved, whether they were aware of what was going on or not.

I'm sure there has to be some people who play it and don't get so emotionally involved and just see it as a game and have an actual life to worry about. I just think it's such a big waste of time though. Why not actually focus on making your real life better?

I know when Guitar Hero came out I thought it was stupid to play because I think you are better off playing a guitar in real life but I guess playing it in moderation is okay and it can be a fun experience on its own. I guess if you don't get too caught up in Second Life, it might not be such a bad thing but I think people need to realize it's just a game and what goes on in real life is much more important.

I think playing games is good for you but I might be hesitant to try a game like that. I had my phase early on in life where I spent alot of time in chat rooms and wanting to socialize with people but I find it's too time consuming and no friendships ever really stuck. I think you won't have any lasting relationships unless you actually meet in real life and get to talk, whether by phone or in person.

Settling In

Greetings and Salutations,

I am almost settled in to my new place and it is much smaller then my old apartment. My bedroom is probably half the size it used to be but my old bedroom was perhaps a bit too big for my liking.

I am glad that my internet is up and running. I went with some 3rd party company and so got my cable installed but my internet wasn't working and since I also got a digital phone, my phone wasn't working either. So I went down to my friend to use the internet and call up the service provider.

Most of my friends are in Hamilton and my other friend lives in Mississauga. I told her last night that she is my closest friend and she was said she didn't want that responsibility and thought I meant emotionally but I corrected her and said that I meant distance wise, you are the closest person to me. And I have another friend in Erin as well.

My movers were 2 hours late and I was upset about that. They also gave me a false quote over the phone and it ended up costing me then twice as much. I will be blogging about this some more and will go down to complain to them. That was just unacceptable!

It's weird but I didn't think I was one of those people that actually cared about my home and how I live but I found out that my stove doesn't have a clock, which surprised me that I didn't notice and I also can't put my dish towels on the stove handle like in my old place and now I have to put it on the fridge handle. And that disturbs me because it looks better hanging off the stove and not a fridge!

I figure this must be a good sign that I am a woman afterall since how many men would just pissed about that???

I also have to pay for my own hydro so now I am paranoid about how much power am I using. I've been charging my laptop all the time because the battery is pretty much dead but I am not ready to start using a new battery because I bought an extra one and I want to use it after having my computer for 3 years and I don't think I've had my computer that long. I plan on owning this laptop for at least 7 years and I know with my last laptop they ran out of batteries for my laptop so I always had to keep it plugged in so I'm just paranoid that it uses alot of energy. I use my computer alot as well, since I am addicted to Facebook and checking my email fairly regularly.

In my old place since hydro was included, I'd just turn on the lights and leave them on since I have this tendency to wonder in rooms and so I might do something in my bedroom and wonder down to the kitchen, only to decide I want fresh air.

Now I make sure to shut the lights!