Greetings all,
I'm not one of those people that obsesses over cleaning up after myself. I'm not a slob either and so I am in the middle. Not the cleanest but certainly not the messiest.
My friend and former roommate were the type of people that couldn't go to bed if they didn't have their dishes clean. It would bother them. I like my friend. My former roommate... we've established she is crazy.
So these people demonstrate an obsessiveness towards cleaning and my theory on why some people are obsessive over cleaning is because they have some belief that they have where they equate their character with having a clean place. Basically somewhere in their mind, they believe that if things are not clean, they are a bad person.
I don't have that belief about myself, mainly because I know I'm a good person and whether I keep my apartment perfectly clean is not a reflection of my innate goodness. I am still wonderful even if I do the dishes every other day. I can be as messy as I want to be and I am still lovable.
It just makes me an untidy person, not a bad person, or an unworthy or unlovable person.
So for these people who are anal about cleaning, it is time they take a good look at the beliefs they have about being clean because the reality is a good person doesn't have to be perfectly clean.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
The Reality of Life
Greetings all,
I was talking to my former coworker tonight and we talked about how people were getting downsized in my former company. I have learned from life and am observing with this economic situation we are experiencing that it is pointing out the reality of life and that is no one really has control. A company can only prepare itself so much but shit happens and no one is to blame. No one really controls what happens and here we are living these lives where we try to control things and invest the time it takes to maintain these control mechanisms that we have.
It's just easier if we accept that we aren't in control of what happens to our external world and that the only control we have is over our emotions and how we chose to react to the events life throws at us.
I remember telling someone in my book group a few weeks ago that I felt panicked that I didn't have control over things but as I expressed these words, I knew I at least had control over myself but at that time that didn't seem good enough.
I wanted some control over the external world but the reality is, I'll never have that and no human will ever possibly have it.
And it really doesn't seem good enough to have control over our inner world but really when life takes things away from us, that is all we have and maybe we just need to start properly nurturing this inner self.
Our homes can be destroyed by Mother Nature, our lives can be taken away by our fellow humans, our livelihood can be taken away by the sheer lack of demand for it. But all we will ever have is what is inside our hearts.
So doesn't it make sense to take care of our inner needs and take care of our emotional business and make that as the foundation for how we go out into the world?
Let's all accept this reality that no one is in control, despite the illusion that sometimes it seems someone is in control and get down to business of living our lives.
I was talking to my former coworker tonight and we talked about how people were getting downsized in my former company. I have learned from life and am observing with this economic situation we are experiencing that it is pointing out the reality of life and that is no one really has control. A company can only prepare itself so much but shit happens and no one is to blame. No one really controls what happens and here we are living these lives where we try to control things and invest the time it takes to maintain these control mechanisms that we have.
It's just easier if we accept that we aren't in control of what happens to our external world and that the only control we have is over our emotions and how we chose to react to the events life throws at us.
I remember telling someone in my book group a few weeks ago that I felt panicked that I didn't have control over things but as I expressed these words, I knew I at least had control over myself but at that time that didn't seem good enough.
I wanted some control over the external world but the reality is, I'll never have that and no human will ever possibly have it.
And it really doesn't seem good enough to have control over our inner world but really when life takes things away from us, that is all we have and maybe we just need to start properly nurturing this inner self.
Our homes can be destroyed by Mother Nature, our lives can be taken away by our fellow humans, our livelihood can be taken away by the sheer lack of demand for it. But all we will ever have is what is inside our hearts.
So doesn't it make sense to take care of our inner needs and take care of our emotional business and make that as the foundation for how we go out into the world?
Let's all accept this reality that no one is in control, despite the illusion that sometimes it seems someone is in control and get down to business of living our lives.
Greetings and Salutations,
I was over at my friend's on Tuesday and went to pick up subs for us at Subway. It was around 7 pm and dark. I am walking on Lakeshore, a high traffic area with the occasional pedestrian. On my way back, some guy walks by me and says 'hello' and as we pass I hear him say 'you're beautiful'.
I enjoy compliments as much as the next person and occasionally pester people for compliments to stroke my ego. At least I know I want my ego stroked so knowing that I want my ego stroked, seems harmless.
Another incident happened while I was on a date with a guy. We were at this dessert place and this man, probably in his 40s - who also happen to be sporting the homeless man look - kept staring at me. He was with a couple of friends. I wondered why he kept staring over at me and my date said it was because I was attractive.
I guess I am attractive but at the same time, I don't get it. Why did that first guy on the street say I am beautiful? When a stranger says something like that to you, I always wonder if they are crazy and have a sane mind. But really what are you supposed to do when you see someone who is a stranger and whom you find attractive?
The guy sporting the homeless man look... what was he really thinking? I wonder to myself, is there something showing that shouldn't be, do I look funny?
I don't think I am insecure but I usually approach things like that from a different angle. If guys are staring at me, I usually don't think it's because of my looks.
My ex friend was a hottie and I would tell him that but he just didn't think he was and I guess I am the same way although I do look in the mirror and think I am hot but then I forget about it and focus on other things.
So maybe that's why I don't get that whole hot/beautiful concept because I focus on it on certain times and moments and usually when I get compliments I am focused on other things.
Damn it I just want people to fawn over me when I am doing it to myself. Or fawning over me when I tell them to, not out of their own free will! Sheesh...
Synchronize your worshiping of me when I am worshiping myself...
Is that too much to ask??!!
I was over at my friend's on Tuesday and went to pick up subs for us at Subway. It was around 7 pm and dark. I am walking on Lakeshore, a high traffic area with the occasional pedestrian. On my way back, some guy walks by me and says 'hello' and as we pass I hear him say 'you're beautiful'.
I enjoy compliments as much as the next person and occasionally pester people for compliments to stroke my ego. At least I know I want my ego stroked so knowing that I want my ego stroked, seems harmless.
Another incident happened while I was on a date with a guy. We were at this dessert place and this man, probably in his 40s - who also happen to be sporting the homeless man look - kept staring at me. He was with a couple of friends. I wondered why he kept staring over at me and my date said it was because I was attractive.
I guess I am attractive but at the same time, I don't get it. Why did that first guy on the street say I am beautiful? When a stranger says something like that to you, I always wonder if they are crazy and have a sane mind. But really what are you supposed to do when you see someone who is a stranger and whom you find attractive?
The guy sporting the homeless man look... what was he really thinking? I wonder to myself, is there something showing that shouldn't be, do I look funny?
I don't think I am insecure but I usually approach things like that from a different angle. If guys are staring at me, I usually don't think it's because of my looks.
My ex friend was a hottie and I would tell him that but he just didn't think he was and I guess I am the same way although I do look in the mirror and think I am hot but then I forget about it and focus on other things.
So maybe that's why I don't get that whole hot/beautiful concept because I focus on it on certain times and moments and usually when I get compliments I am focused on other things.
Damn it I just want people to fawn over me when I am doing it to myself. Or fawning over me when I tell them to, not out of their own free will! Sheesh...
Synchronize your worshiping of me when I am worshiping myself...
Is that too much to ask??!!
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Politics of Being a Girl
Greetings all,
I was talking with one of my friends on Saturday and we used to go to the same high school for about 2 years but then she moved away. We didn't know each other in high school but my one friend was friends with someone and I became friends with that person who was friends with this girl who I was talking to and who I consider my friend now.
Anyways, these people I knew in high school, when we get together we talk about high school for some odd reason. I normally don't like to talk about the past but it comes up sometimes.
My friend was telling me about this one girl, Nada, who left the high school after a year and I found out it was the same girl that picked on me. I told my friend of the time when I was in grade 9. I was still hanging out with my friends from elementary school and one of them had a boyfriend and they were trying to do the standard 'trying to find Paula a boyfriend' scheme (BTW I was no longer hanging out with them when I was in grade 10. They went weird on me and became mean). They wanted me to go after this one guy named Tom and although he was cute I don't think I was really interested in him. This guy was in the same social circle as my friend's boyfriend. I liked a couple of other guys in that group but I don't recall if I kept that to myself or shared that with my friends.
They had me call up this guy on a Sunday afternoon. I was shy and I really didn't want to but I did just to get my friends off my back about this. I don't know if I actually talked to him but I am pretty sure I hung up on him after he said hello to me. I was really scared and so I panicked.
The next day 2 girls came up to me, in a non-friendly manner, about why I hung up on Tom. The one girl, Kelly who was in grade 10, I found her to be intimidating and she was a bit bigger and taller then me (me being 5'6"). The other girl was Nada. These 2 girls, only confronted me the one time but it deeply frightened me.
I usually kept to myself and so was quite taken aback when they confronted me about this. Me being the introvert, didn't know what to say and frankly I shut down and had little to say. For the rest of my high school years, seeing Kelly made me uncomfortable. She was in one of my classes as well either when I was in grade 10 or 11.
I didn't find Nada intimidating, mainly because she was shorter then me. Since she left the high school, I never had to deal with the uncomfortableness of seeing her.
My friend was telling me that apparently both of these girls had crushes on Tom and so I now understood why they came after me. They perceived me as a threat. The reality was that I wasn't a threat and wasn't even interested in this guy.
I am pretty much over the pain of my high school years and so this story amuses me mildly.
I call this post The Politics of Being a Girl simply because some girls are like this. They just confront you on stupid things like hanging up on a boy. It's really up to the boy to decide if he likes you and there is no point in fighting over a boy.
I never believed in fighting for a man and I never have and never will. No man is ever worth to me to fight over another woman with.
My friend's mother instilled in her to let the boys chase after you and sometime last year she gave me advice (which I honestly probably didn't pay attention to) to date multiple guys and don't give up the sex early and let them pursue you. It took me a few books and much emotional processing to finally come to that understanding. I think she was very lucky to have learned that lesson and I am glad to have learned that as well, even though I didn't learn it as quickly as I would have liked.
I was talking with one of my friends on Saturday and we used to go to the same high school for about 2 years but then she moved away. We didn't know each other in high school but my one friend was friends with someone and I became friends with that person who was friends with this girl who I was talking to and who I consider my friend now.
Anyways, these people I knew in high school, when we get together we talk about high school for some odd reason. I normally don't like to talk about the past but it comes up sometimes.
My friend was telling me about this one girl, Nada, who left the high school after a year and I found out it was the same girl that picked on me. I told my friend of the time when I was in grade 9. I was still hanging out with my friends from elementary school and one of them had a boyfriend and they were trying to do the standard 'trying to find Paula a boyfriend' scheme (BTW I was no longer hanging out with them when I was in grade 10. They went weird on me and became mean). They wanted me to go after this one guy named Tom and although he was cute I don't think I was really interested in him. This guy was in the same social circle as my friend's boyfriend. I liked a couple of other guys in that group but I don't recall if I kept that to myself or shared that with my friends.
They had me call up this guy on a Sunday afternoon. I was shy and I really didn't want to but I did just to get my friends off my back about this. I don't know if I actually talked to him but I am pretty sure I hung up on him after he said hello to me. I was really scared and so I panicked.
The next day 2 girls came up to me, in a non-friendly manner, about why I hung up on Tom. The one girl, Kelly who was in grade 10, I found her to be intimidating and she was a bit bigger and taller then me (me being 5'6"). The other girl was Nada. These 2 girls, only confronted me the one time but it deeply frightened me.
I usually kept to myself and so was quite taken aback when they confronted me about this. Me being the introvert, didn't know what to say and frankly I shut down and had little to say. For the rest of my high school years, seeing Kelly made me uncomfortable. She was in one of my classes as well either when I was in grade 10 or 11.
I didn't find Nada intimidating, mainly because she was shorter then me. Since she left the high school, I never had to deal with the uncomfortableness of seeing her.
My friend was telling me that apparently both of these girls had crushes on Tom and so I now understood why they came after me. They perceived me as a threat. The reality was that I wasn't a threat and wasn't even interested in this guy.
I am pretty much over the pain of my high school years and so this story amuses me mildly.
I call this post The Politics of Being a Girl simply because some girls are like this. They just confront you on stupid things like hanging up on a boy. It's really up to the boy to decide if he likes you and there is no point in fighting over a boy.
I never believed in fighting for a man and I never have and never will. No man is ever worth to me to fight over another woman with.
My friend's mother instilled in her to let the boys chase after you and sometime last year she gave me advice (which I honestly probably didn't pay attention to) to date multiple guys and don't give up the sex early and let them pursue you. It took me a few books and much emotional processing to finally come to that understanding. I think she was very lucky to have learned that lesson and I am glad to have learned that as well, even though I didn't learn it as quickly as I would have liked.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Why I Dislike Know-It-Alls
Greetings all,
I had a coffee date with someone I met online. I could tell he wasn't my type based on the 2 phone conversations we had.
We had decided to meet at Chapters and this one didn't have a Starbucks. He assumed they all have Starbucks so he wasn't anticipating it not having one. I actually never went to that Chapters but I guess maybe intuitively I knew it didn't have a Starbucks so I said on the phone that maybe it doesn't have a Starbucks and he just assumed they all do, which I responded to by saying that not all of them do have a Starbucks.
Well it turns out I was right.
Anyways, we went to a Licks a few stores down and he asked what I did that day so I told him I was working on my You Tube project where I talk about Rudolf Steiner's book Philosophy of Freedom. He asked me what the book was about and so I proceeded to tell him the theories he outlines and how Steiner says Freedom is the highest level of morality achieved. I pointed out his concept of reality being the combination of percept (an object of observation eg something you can see, touch, hear, etc) and concept.
He proceeded to say how wrong this concept of Freedom was and frankly it started to irritate me. First of all, if you haven't read the book, stop acting like an expert. I can see arguing the ideas, based on what I say but to just act like you've poked holes in the book and thus proved it to be inaccurate and just the author's opinion got on my nerves.
I talked about it a bit more and pointed out how you have to have some understanding of history as well to appreciate his ideas and then he points out how he has a degree in Political Science.
So... what?
I've dated a guy who had one as well but that's not history, it may just cover the history of Politics but if you want to know more about history, you get a history degree.
The way I see it, everything is really just one perspective and the whole point is to get things from as many different angles as possible to form a good conception of reality. These know-it-all types just have one point of view and think that's it and they are right.
Get lost I say!
He made a few points I could agree with but I just found him too mentally rigid. You've got to be flexible and creative when it comes to knowledge. Your world view needs to be adaptable because what was true today may not be true tomorrow and what was false today may not be false tomorrow.
He was arguing that people are too lazy to take freedom too seriously, which I can believe to some degree. Sure people don't vote sometimes but it's really because people don't appreciate the rights that they do have. I'm sure if you lived in a country that had a totalitarian government and then one day it was overthrown and became a legitimate democratic government, you'd get off your ass and make sure you vote.
I think many people in these G8 countries take what freedoms we have for granted. We think we know poverty when we don't. We have access to clean water, garbage removal, healthcare, etc and there are places that don't have any of that.
He argued people only want freedom for superficial things like going to Wendys or McDonalds. I likened this to kids growing up rich. They just grew up knowing this reality of having it all so they need to realize how fortunate they are and that not everyone grew up with having whatever they want. Not everyone grows up living in a free country.
I disagree mainly because people go to wars and die so that we all can enjoy the freedoms we have. I may not live in a perfect country but at least it provides my basic freedoms.
It really is up to the individual to decide how politically involved they want to be. Whether it's just knowing what's going on politically, or taking a more active role like participating as a volunteer in a political campaign.
Democracy is not a spectator sport and people need to realize that to have a democratic country took some work and some sacrifice by people who fought and struggled. The least we can do is appreciate the work that went into forming a democracy. It's also going to take some work and effort to maintain a democratic system as well.
Freedom is something worth fighting for and regardless of what anyone says, we all desire to be free and to feel in control of the direction of our lives.
The thing that bothered me throughout the evening was just how he had his opinion and that was it. There was no debating ideas. He had his opinions and seemed firmly attached to them. This was no fun for me. I like to debate as much as anyone but I think they are more fruitful when people are willing to modify and enhance their own perspective, based on hearing the other's point of view.
In improv, someone starts a scene and then another person comes in and adds something to the scene. The one person has their set of ideas and the other their own and the whole point is to accept each other and then make the scene work and create something different. This to me is what debating is all about. You have your ideas and they have theirs. Try to come up with something different and creative, instead of just sticking to your ideas. The scene in improv doesn't move forward unless you are willing to compromise and essentially play with your partner.
This is why I don't like know-it-alls, because they just don't know how to play.
I had a coffee date with someone I met online. I could tell he wasn't my type based on the 2 phone conversations we had.
We had decided to meet at Chapters and this one didn't have a Starbucks. He assumed they all have Starbucks so he wasn't anticipating it not having one. I actually never went to that Chapters but I guess maybe intuitively I knew it didn't have a Starbucks so I said on the phone that maybe it doesn't have a Starbucks and he just assumed they all do, which I responded to by saying that not all of them do have a Starbucks.
Well it turns out I was right.
Anyways, we went to a Licks a few stores down and he asked what I did that day so I told him I was working on my You Tube project where I talk about Rudolf Steiner's book Philosophy of Freedom. He asked me what the book was about and so I proceeded to tell him the theories he outlines and how Steiner says Freedom is the highest level of morality achieved. I pointed out his concept of reality being the combination of percept (an object of observation eg something you can see, touch, hear, etc) and concept.
He proceeded to say how wrong this concept of Freedom was and frankly it started to irritate me. First of all, if you haven't read the book, stop acting like an expert. I can see arguing the ideas, based on what I say but to just act like you've poked holes in the book and thus proved it to be inaccurate and just the author's opinion got on my nerves.
I talked about it a bit more and pointed out how you have to have some understanding of history as well to appreciate his ideas and then he points out how he has a degree in Political Science.
So... what?
I've dated a guy who had one as well but that's not history, it may just cover the history of Politics but if you want to know more about history, you get a history degree.
The way I see it, everything is really just one perspective and the whole point is to get things from as many different angles as possible to form a good conception of reality. These know-it-all types just have one point of view and think that's it and they are right.
Get lost I say!
He made a few points I could agree with but I just found him too mentally rigid. You've got to be flexible and creative when it comes to knowledge. Your world view needs to be adaptable because what was true today may not be true tomorrow and what was false today may not be false tomorrow.
He was arguing that people are too lazy to take freedom too seriously, which I can believe to some degree. Sure people don't vote sometimes but it's really because people don't appreciate the rights that they do have. I'm sure if you lived in a country that had a totalitarian government and then one day it was overthrown and became a legitimate democratic government, you'd get off your ass and make sure you vote.
I think many people in these G8 countries take what freedoms we have for granted. We think we know poverty when we don't. We have access to clean water, garbage removal, healthcare, etc and there are places that don't have any of that.
He argued people only want freedom for superficial things like going to Wendys or McDonalds. I likened this to kids growing up rich. They just grew up knowing this reality of having it all so they need to realize how fortunate they are and that not everyone grew up with having whatever they want. Not everyone grows up living in a free country.
I disagree mainly because people go to wars and die so that we all can enjoy the freedoms we have. I may not live in a perfect country but at least it provides my basic freedoms.
It really is up to the individual to decide how politically involved they want to be. Whether it's just knowing what's going on politically, or taking a more active role like participating as a volunteer in a political campaign.
Democracy is not a spectator sport and people need to realize that to have a democratic country took some work and some sacrifice by people who fought and struggled. The least we can do is appreciate the work that went into forming a democracy. It's also going to take some work and effort to maintain a democratic system as well.
Freedom is something worth fighting for and regardless of what anyone says, we all desire to be free and to feel in control of the direction of our lives.
The thing that bothered me throughout the evening was just how he had his opinion and that was it. There was no debating ideas. He had his opinions and seemed firmly attached to them. This was no fun for me. I like to debate as much as anyone but I think they are more fruitful when people are willing to modify and enhance their own perspective, based on hearing the other's point of view.
In improv, someone starts a scene and then another person comes in and adds something to the scene. The one person has their set of ideas and the other their own and the whole point is to accept each other and then make the scene work and create something different. This to me is what debating is all about. You have your ideas and they have theirs. Try to come up with something different and creative, instead of just sticking to your ideas. The scene in improv doesn't move forward unless you are willing to compromise and essentially play with your partner.
This is why I don't like know-it-alls, because they just don't know how to play.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I Like Being Right
Greetings all,
I have been attending this one meetup group where they discuss various spiritual/emotional type topics and a topic a couple of weeks ago was on would you rather be happy or be right because you can't be both. Okay in all honestly, I am willing to trade some level of happiness to be validated as right. Like maybe 2-5% of my happiness, just to bask in the after glow of being right.
The group leader made an important point of pointing out that when you are right, you are only right for the moment and then you are back to being unhappy, but if you choose to be happy, then you will always be happy.
I don't know for me, but I'm just not ready to be happy all the time. I'm comfortable with having a certain level of unhappiness because I probably don't know any better and I'm okay with that. And I don't think I like the idea of being happy all the time. I can't help sometimes to get a little angry about things or get frustrated. I am human after all and this wanting to be happy all the time non-sense, is just too much pressure for me. I just want to be real and honest with myself all the time or as much as possible. Screw this happiness crap!
I could argue as well that I am happy when I am right but I don't think that is true. Well I think it's true some of the time. I am actually quite pleased when someone who is wrong actually eventually realizes that I was right and then tells me so. It's no fun to pester people about you being right, it's more enjoyable when they come to say that you are right on their own. I delight in seeing people evolve and to me I see it as highly admirable when you can admit you are wrong (and thus proving I am right)
I sometimes think there is a problem with not being willing to stand up to someone who thinks they are right when they are not. I guess I am a bit of a fighter so I don't mind saying something that makes people uncomfortable because I still have this love for the truth. I don't realistically go around always defending what I think is truth (my idea of truth is if I can find it on wikipedia)
I see a whole flaw in this contrast of either be happy or be right. I really don't think it works like that all the time. Maybe some of the time.
I think if you are always willing to back down on being right when you are, then it just opens the door for people to take advantage of you. I think like most things in life, you have to decide which battles to fight and which ones to walk away from. I've walked away from some, but others I just won't. Somebody has to stand up for what's right and speak out when someone is spreading lies or causing harm.
BTW, I can admit to when I am wrong and do so when I realize the error of my thoughts and/or actions.
I have been attending this one meetup group where they discuss various spiritual/emotional type topics and a topic a couple of weeks ago was on would you rather be happy or be right because you can't be both. Okay in all honestly, I am willing to trade some level of happiness to be validated as right. Like maybe 2-5% of my happiness, just to bask in the after glow of being right.
The group leader made an important point of pointing out that when you are right, you are only right for the moment and then you are back to being unhappy, but if you choose to be happy, then you will always be happy.
I don't know for me, but I'm just not ready to be happy all the time. I'm comfortable with having a certain level of unhappiness because I probably don't know any better and I'm okay with that. And I don't think I like the idea of being happy all the time. I can't help sometimes to get a little angry about things or get frustrated. I am human after all and this wanting to be happy all the time non-sense, is just too much pressure for me. I just want to be real and honest with myself all the time or as much as possible. Screw this happiness crap!
I could argue as well that I am happy when I am right but I don't think that is true. Well I think it's true some of the time. I am actually quite pleased when someone who is wrong actually eventually realizes that I was right and then tells me so. It's no fun to pester people about you being right, it's more enjoyable when they come to say that you are right on their own. I delight in seeing people evolve and to me I see it as highly admirable when you can admit you are wrong (and thus proving I am right)
I sometimes think there is a problem with not being willing to stand up to someone who thinks they are right when they are not. I guess I am a bit of a fighter so I don't mind saying something that makes people uncomfortable because I still have this love for the truth. I don't realistically go around always defending what I think is truth (my idea of truth is if I can find it on wikipedia)
I see a whole flaw in this contrast of either be happy or be right. I really don't think it works like that all the time. Maybe some of the time.
I think if you are always willing to back down on being right when you are, then it just opens the door for people to take advantage of you. I think like most things in life, you have to decide which battles to fight and which ones to walk away from. I've walked away from some, but others I just won't. Somebody has to stand up for what's right and speak out when someone is spreading lies or causing harm.
BTW, I can admit to when I am wrong and do so when I realize the error of my thoughts and/or actions.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day
Greetings all,
Happy Valentine's Day. Since I am single, it's just another day for me and I'll be hanging with my female friends and hopefully have a few good laughs.
I'm on facebook and saw that they have a multi-coloured rose gift available for $500. Usually their e-gifts are $1 but they certainly were money hungry today. How insane is that? As a woman, I would never allow a man to buy me that. It's just not sensible! They had another rose for $50. I can't imagine spending that money on something unreal. I'd be happy to get some flowers, dinner and sex. Really the sex and being seduced is what I want. Hell I'd be content with having the man write me a 500 word essay on how wonderful I am.
Screw the flowers, give me the sex and an essay on me!
Happy Valentine's Day. Since I am single, it's just another day for me and I'll be hanging with my female friends and hopefully have a few good laughs.
I'm on facebook and saw that they have a multi-coloured rose gift available for $500. Usually their e-gifts are $1 but they certainly were money hungry today. How insane is that? As a woman, I would never allow a man to buy me that. It's just not sensible! They had another rose for $50. I can't imagine spending that money on something unreal. I'd be happy to get some flowers, dinner and sex. Really the sex and being seduced is what I want. Hell I'd be content with having the man write me a 500 word essay on how wonderful I am.
Screw the flowers, give me the sex and an essay on me!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Thought Swirlings
Greetings all,
I've had a couple of shows, one on Sunday and the other last Tuesday. I am still trying new material and feel like I am getting better at this stand up thing. It's weird though but I wonder why the hell do I do it? What motivates me to get up in front of people and then talk and perform in attempts to make them laugh?
I often wonder why I do what I do but I just don't understand. I don't totally understand myself and I guess I have to accept that. All I know is that I have this urge and these ideas and performing seems to be my only outlet.
I think as well I am too serious and wonder why the hell do I like making people laugh? Aren't comedians supposed to be happy and joking all the time? Cause I know I'm not like that.
I think lots of artists ask themselves why do I do this and it really just leads them nowhere. Who cares? Just do it. Shut up and stop analyzing why you feel this need to perform, or to paint or to make music. Who gives a shit?
I know I shouldn't analyze but isn't that the nature of the mind? Why can't my mind just develop some addiction? Oh no wait it does. It's called analyzing. Minds are addicted to analyzing.
* * *
Alright then, who cares about my silly thoughts about being a comedian. I'm going to talk about fear. I've had roommate issues but alongside that I've had my own separate issues and have been feeling like I am in this constant state of fear. It could be that because of my spiritual practice, I am bringing up these issues that I have long suppressed.
I'm just feeling this fear of everything and I am noticing it when I am socializing with people. I meet new people all the time but I can feel that I am scared of them and don't feel relaxed. I know this isn't normal and I guess now I need to consciously relax.
I've realized last night that my major block seems to be that I don't feel worthy in my life. Like not worthy of love or of the good things and so maybe that's partly why I am fearful of people. I try to protect myself and am scared that I will get hurt but I am starting to get some rational insight into this.
So I have been telling myself that I am worthy and it seems to have opened up my heart a little. I seemed to be letting go of something.
I'm very confused about things but I should hope things make more sense eventually.
I've had a couple of shows, one on Sunday and the other last Tuesday. I am still trying new material and feel like I am getting better at this stand up thing. It's weird though but I wonder why the hell do I do it? What motivates me to get up in front of people and then talk and perform in attempts to make them laugh?
I often wonder why I do what I do but I just don't understand. I don't totally understand myself and I guess I have to accept that. All I know is that I have this urge and these ideas and performing seems to be my only outlet.
I think as well I am too serious and wonder why the hell do I like making people laugh? Aren't comedians supposed to be happy and joking all the time? Cause I know I'm not like that.
I think lots of artists ask themselves why do I do this and it really just leads them nowhere. Who cares? Just do it. Shut up and stop analyzing why you feel this need to perform, or to paint or to make music. Who gives a shit?
I know I shouldn't analyze but isn't that the nature of the mind? Why can't my mind just develop some addiction? Oh no wait it does. It's called analyzing. Minds are addicted to analyzing.
Alright then, who cares about my silly thoughts about being a comedian. I'm going to talk about fear. I've had roommate issues but alongside that I've had my own separate issues and have been feeling like I am in this constant state of fear. It could be that because of my spiritual practice, I am bringing up these issues that I have long suppressed.
I'm just feeling this fear of everything and I am noticing it when I am socializing with people. I meet new people all the time but I can feel that I am scared of them and don't feel relaxed. I know this isn't normal and I guess now I need to consciously relax.
I've realized last night that my major block seems to be that I don't feel worthy in my life. Like not worthy of love or of the good things and so maybe that's partly why I am fearful of people. I try to protect myself and am scared that I will get hurt but I am starting to get some rational insight into this.
So I have been telling myself that I am worthy and it seems to have opened up my heart a little. I seemed to be letting go of something.
I'm very confused about things but I should hope things make more sense eventually.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
A Basic Conclusion
Greetings all,
I have been doing the online dating thing for a while and I met with someone last night who's been advising me on the roommate situation since he's had experience dealing with tenants. He asked how do I screen out the crazy people out there because he seemed to be encountering lots of crazy people in his life.
I said that I have a procedure to meet me and I clearly state so in my profile the procedure to meet me and explain that it is purely for safety purposes. My procedures are as follows:
1. we exchange a few messages (demonstration of basic communication skills a must)
At this stage you can see a lot about a person and their mentality just by asking the right questions. I think it's easier to see people who have negative attitudes based on their thought processes, which I think is easier to spot in text format. You can definitely see when someone writes something and it makes no sense. Negative and unhealthy people usually think distortedly but at the same time, someone who is a good liar always says the right thing. There are signs to be found if someone is basically being genuine.
2. I give out my # if I feel safe and comfortable enough
Again, not everyone I message I give out my #. They also do not pester me for my # right away and usually pester that pester me for my #, don't get it.
One guy I corresponded with was wanting my # but I explained I don't give it out right away and then he got suspicious, like what have you got to hide? I explained my process and he basically didn't respect it and things just ended since he wasn't understanding my position.
3. we talk at least once before arranging to meet in a public place
At this point, talking over the phone as well gives me a better sense of the person and many people I do chat with on the phone, we never meet because perhaps they knew this wasn't a match.
I find that the people who are crazy do not respect the boundaries that I set up for myself. Most people respect these rules because they are reasonable but people with issues usually just want my # right away or want to meet right away and I don't think that is appropriate.
So my basic conclusion in how to watch out for the signs that you may be dealing with a crazy is that they basically are not willing to respect the boundaries that you have set up to protect yourself. They may argue and protest against it.
It is the normal people who respect the boundaries and therefore do not make you skip steps that you clearly outline.
I have been doing the online dating thing for a while and I met with someone last night who's been advising me on the roommate situation since he's had experience dealing with tenants. He asked how do I screen out the crazy people out there because he seemed to be encountering lots of crazy people in his life.
I said that I have a procedure to meet me and I clearly state so in my profile the procedure to meet me and explain that it is purely for safety purposes. My procedures are as follows:
1. we exchange a few messages (demonstration of basic communication skills a must)
At this stage you can see a lot about a person and their mentality just by asking the right questions. I think it's easier to see people who have negative attitudes based on their thought processes, which I think is easier to spot in text format. You can definitely see when someone writes something and it makes no sense. Negative and unhealthy people usually think distortedly but at the same time, someone who is a good liar always says the right thing. There are signs to be found if someone is basically being genuine.
2. I give out my # if I feel safe and comfortable enough
Again, not everyone I message I give out my #. They also do not pester me for my # right away and usually pester that pester me for my #, don't get it.
One guy I corresponded with was wanting my # but I explained I don't give it out right away and then he got suspicious, like what have you got to hide? I explained my process and he basically didn't respect it and things just ended since he wasn't understanding my position.
3. we talk at least once before arranging to meet in a public place
At this point, talking over the phone as well gives me a better sense of the person and many people I do chat with on the phone, we never meet because perhaps they knew this wasn't a match.
I find that the people who are crazy do not respect the boundaries that I set up for myself. Most people respect these rules because they are reasonable but people with issues usually just want my # right away or want to meet right away and I don't think that is appropriate.
So my basic conclusion in how to watch out for the signs that you may be dealing with a crazy is that they basically are not willing to respect the boundaries that you have set up to protect yourself. They may argue and protest against it.
It is the normal people who respect the boundaries and therefore do not make you skip steps that you clearly outline.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Just When You Thought it was Safe
Greetings all,
I had my book group meeting on Sunday night and was feeling a bit relieved and letting out deep sighs of relief due to the roommate moving out by 2pm yesterday.
I began cleaning up her dishes and put the chain lock on my door, just to feel safe from her.
As I was in the middle of my cleaning, around 10pm the ex roommate barges in and breaks through the chain door and insists she still has the right to be there. She tells me she is going to have a party as well.
Honestly when I looked back at this it feels like she is one of those monsters in the movies that you kill but really you never quite killed them and they come back after you.
Like honestly, why are you coming back. Leave me alone, you have a place.
Does she really think she can get away with having another party???
So I ran downstairs to talk to the supers but they said I had to call the cops as she is not on the lease. I did call the cops and as I took the elevator down to see the supers, her dog gets with me in the elevator and eventually the ex roommate comes down to get him and she is yelling at me how I am crazy.
I waited a while for the cops and this time 3 showed up. I told them the situation. I am not happy that these people really can't help me and they didn't even write up a report. I think the female cop was more sympathetic towards me then the one in charge. They say she still has access rights because of her deposit but honestly nothing of hers is left besides her food, which she is taking her sweet ass time picking up.
I have met someone online who's been in my situation so he is giving me the advice that I can take legally. I also have another friend who is a regular reader giving me advice as well on this situation. So it was good that I had people to talk to. I talked to this guy late last night as well so I really appreciate him telling what I can do and to stay calm.
I got my locks changed today, although I am still required to give her access. She came into the apartment 3 times, one of which I wasn't around and when I came back I saw that my shower curtain was closed and I knew I left it open. I knew it was her. It was unbelievably sick and twisted to me. Like from the movie Sleeping With the Enemy.
I told the supers what happened as well and apologized for disturbing them. I really just didn't know what to do because I felt invaded and this person thinks its okay to do what she is doing when it is not.
The guy I was consulting was saying I need to get her to sign a notice but she was demanding that I give her cash, which I explained that I would be willing to give her deposit after inspecting for damages and that I'd give a cheque.
He said that since I've tried negotiating with her, then I can just send a form to get the legal process started to get her evicted. The form is called N4. It states that she is required to give me rent for February or give me a signed notice for when she is terminating her tenancy. He says this should be enough to get her to write a notice and she will lose her rights to the deposit.
He gave me 2 copies and we mailed them out tonight. She should be getting it at her work place by Wednesday.
I barely slept last night and probably had 3 hours sleep. I feel better though that I changed the locks. The guy said though I still have to let her in but she probably doesn't come for too long and seems to focus just on getting her stuff so really it's in her best interest to get more things and leave since she does have access but it's controlled access. Also he said if she calls the cops she'd have to produce a contract that she lives there but she'd only do that if I denied her access which I am not doing at this point since I am allowing her to pick up her things.
She even had the nerve to knock at the door of our neighbor across the hall (whom I mentioned helped her a couple of weeks ago move some of her boxes). It was between 10.30 to 11pm and she kept knocking at her door, wanting her neighbor for support as the cops talked to her. The female cop definitely did some eye roll or at least very subtly so I could tell she thought that was lame and the neighbor as well looked very tired and like she was being forced.
When I spoke to the supers as well I was told the neighbor across the hall recently lost a good friend. I don't know why the ex roommate had to bring this innocent bystander into the process when this issue is between her and I.
So not cool!
I told my parents this situation and had them watch my place as I went to get my lock rekeyed and my dad just thinks I should give her the deposit. At this point I either go big or go home. I tolerated this bitch's abuse and tauntings during January and I am not about to give up now. I will teach this girl a lesson and do it the legal way.
If she thinks she can do what she pleases, she is wrong. There are contracts and procedures to follow. The guy I was talking with says it might be easier to just give her the deposit because of the mental stress it is costing but already in January the stress I had was worth more then $250. I either should have given it first thing but now I will put up a fight because it's not right to me. She's stressed me out already so it doesn't matter if it's prolonged.
I also recorded her tonight as my other friend suggested. She kept telling me to stop taping and she would come after my camera but I told her it was for my lawyers. I think I would like to post it on you tube but would have to blur out her face for legal reasons. It was quite funny and empowering for me to tape her. I brought the chairs for her left behind from the patio table, a stack of papers left in a bag, dog toys and a cup by the door for her and all she took was some small bag of food and I was encouraging her to take the rest of her things which I have on tape that she is saying no to and that she will take what she wants.
I don't think I need more footage as I don't want to antagonize her too much.
I had my book group meeting on Sunday night and was feeling a bit relieved and letting out deep sighs of relief due to the roommate moving out by 2pm yesterday.
I began cleaning up her dishes and put the chain lock on my door, just to feel safe from her.
As I was in the middle of my cleaning, around 10pm the ex roommate barges in and breaks through the chain door and insists she still has the right to be there. She tells me she is going to have a party as well.
Honestly when I looked back at this it feels like she is one of those monsters in the movies that you kill but really you never quite killed them and they come back after you.
Like honestly, why are you coming back. Leave me alone, you have a place.
Does she really think she can get away with having another party???
So I ran downstairs to talk to the supers but they said I had to call the cops as she is not on the lease. I did call the cops and as I took the elevator down to see the supers, her dog gets with me in the elevator and eventually the ex roommate comes down to get him and she is yelling at me how I am crazy.
I waited a while for the cops and this time 3 showed up. I told them the situation. I am not happy that these people really can't help me and they didn't even write up a report. I think the female cop was more sympathetic towards me then the one in charge. They say she still has access rights because of her deposit but honestly nothing of hers is left besides her food, which she is taking her sweet ass time picking up.
I have met someone online who's been in my situation so he is giving me the advice that I can take legally. I also have another friend who is a regular reader giving me advice as well on this situation. So it was good that I had people to talk to. I talked to this guy late last night as well so I really appreciate him telling what I can do and to stay calm.
I got my locks changed today, although I am still required to give her access. She came into the apartment 3 times, one of which I wasn't around and when I came back I saw that my shower curtain was closed and I knew I left it open. I knew it was her. It was unbelievably sick and twisted to me. Like from the movie Sleeping With the Enemy.
I told the supers what happened as well and apologized for disturbing them. I really just didn't know what to do because I felt invaded and this person thinks its okay to do what she is doing when it is not.
The guy I was consulting was saying I need to get her to sign a notice but she was demanding that I give her cash, which I explained that I would be willing to give her deposit after inspecting for damages and that I'd give a cheque.
He said that since I've tried negotiating with her, then I can just send a form to get the legal process started to get her evicted. The form is called N4. It states that she is required to give me rent for February or give me a signed notice for when she is terminating her tenancy. He says this should be enough to get her to write a notice and she will lose her rights to the deposit.
He gave me 2 copies and we mailed them out tonight. She should be getting it at her work place by Wednesday.
I barely slept last night and probably had 3 hours sleep. I feel better though that I changed the locks. The guy said though I still have to let her in but she probably doesn't come for too long and seems to focus just on getting her stuff so really it's in her best interest to get more things and leave since she does have access but it's controlled access. Also he said if she calls the cops she'd have to produce a contract that she lives there but she'd only do that if I denied her access which I am not doing at this point since I am allowing her to pick up her things.
She even had the nerve to knock at the door of our neighbor across the hall (whom I mentioned helped her a couple of weeks ago move some of her boxes). It was between 10.30 to 11pm and she kept knocking at her door, wanting her neighbor for support as the cops talked to her. The female cop definitely did some eye roll or at least very subtly so I could tell she thought that was lame and the neighbor as well looked very tired and like she was being forced.
When I spoke to the supers as well I was told the neighbor across the hall recently lost a good friend. I don't know why the ex roommate had to bring this innocent bystander into the process when this issue is between her and I.
So not cool!
I told my parents this situation and had them watch my place as I went to get my lock rekeyed and my dad just thinks I should give her the deposit. At this point I either go big or go home. I tolerated this bitch's abuse and tauntings during January and I am not about to give up now. I will teach this girl a lesson and do it the legal way.
If she thinks she can do what she pleases, she is wrong. There are contracts and procedures to follow. The guy I was talking with says it might be easier to just give her the deposit because of the mental stress it is costing but already in January the stress I had was worth more then $250. I either should have given it first thing but now I will put up a fight because it's not right to me. She's stressed me out already so it doesn't matter if it's prolonged.
I also recorded her tonight as my other friend suggested. She kept telling me to stop taping and she would come after my camera but I told her it was for my lawyers. I think I would like to post it on you tube but would have to blur out her face for legal reasons. It was quite funny and empowering for me to tape her. I brought the chairs for her left behind from the patio table, a stack of papers left in a bag, dog toys and a cup by the door for her and all she took was some small bag of food and I was encouraging her to take the rest of her things which I have on tape that she is saying no to and that she will take what she wants.
I don't think I need more footage as I don't want to antagonize her too much.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Nah nah nah nah. Nah nah nah nah. Hey hey hey. Goodbye!
Greetings all,
My now ex-roommate is officially out of my apartment!
She was done about 45 minutes ago and I pretty much stayed in my room. She had a bunch of friends help her.
She stole my message board that she liked to write childish messages on. Perhaps it's a security thing for her.
This pisses me off greatly!
She still didn't do the dishes since the 13th and she left a bunch of crap from her party.
I'm glad she's gone. She seems to think I'm the crazy one, but the reality is she is the one with the problem.
Here are some pics left from the mess.
This is how the carpet was from her party, which she never tidied up
Didn't change the toilet paper properly when she had her party
Messy carpet. Insert joke here.
Filler paper left from her packing.
Always have time for Tim Horton's!
The leftover mess from her party
Leftover mess from party
No pics of the leftover dishes, which I've shown in a previous entry.
My now ex-roommate is officially out of my apartment!
She was done about 45 minutes ago and I pretty much stayed in my room. She had a bunch of friends help her.
She stole my message board that she liked to write childish messages on. Perhaps it's a security thing for her.
This pisses me off greatly!
She still didn't do the dishes since the 13th and she left a bunch of crap from her party.
I'm glad she's gone. She seems to think I'm the crazy one, but the reality is she is the one with the problem.
Here are some pics left from the mess.
This is how the carpet was from her party, which she never tidied up
Didn't change the toilet paper properly when she had her party
Messy carpet. Insert joke here.
Filler paper left from her packing.
Always have time for Tim Horton's!
The leftover mess from her party
Leftover mess from partyNo pics of the leftover dishes, which I've shown in a previous entry.
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