I've had a couple of shows, one on Sunday and the other last Tuesday. I am still trying new material and feel like I am getting better at this stand up thing. It's weird though but I wonder why the hell do I do it? What motivates me to get up in front of people and then talk and perform in attempts to make them laugh?
I often wonder why I do what I do but I just don't understand. I don't totally understand myself and I guess I have to accept that. All I know is that I have this urge and these ideas and performing seems to be my only outlet.
I think as well I am too serious and wonder why the hell do I like making people laugh? Aren't comedians supposed to be happy and joking all the time? Cause I know I'm not like that.
I think lots of artists ask themselves why do I do this and it really just leads them nowhere. Who cares? Just do it. Shut up and stop analyzing why you feel this need to perform, or to paint or to make music. Who gives a shit?
I know I shouldn't analyze but isn't that the nature of the mind? Why can't my mind just develop some addiction? Oh no wait it does. It's called analyzing. Minds are addicted to analyzing.
Alright then, who cares about my silly thoughts about being a comedian. I'm going to talk about fear. I've had roommate issues but alongside that I've had my own separate issues and have been feeling like I am in this constant state of fear. It could be that because of my spiritual practice, I am bringing up these issues that I have long suppressed.
I'm just feeling this fear of everything and I am noticing it when I am socializing with people. I meet new people all the time but I can feel that I am scared of them and don't feel relaxed. I know this isn't normal and I guess now I need to consciously relax.
I've realized last night that my major block seems to be that I don't feel worthy in my life. Like not worthy of love or of the good things and so maybe that's partly why I am fearful of people. I try to protect myself and am scared that I will get hurt but I am starting to get some rational insight into this.
So I have been telling myself that I am worthy and it seems to have opened up my heart a little. I seemed to be letting go of something.
I'm very confused about things but I should hope things make more sense eventually.
2 comments:
I feel I understand what you are going through. I often question and second-guess myself, wondering why I write. And yet, I love it, I could not live without it, it is a massive creative outlet. I impatiently wait every day for the moment I can sit down, usually in the evenings, and write. But, if I start analyzing too much, I soon get the feeling it is cutting into my creativity and energy. So, you are right in saying: just do it!
Robin Williams was a very lonely single child of a very wealthy and powerful corporate exec.
I think your getting on stage and trying to make people laugh is courageous.
The number one fear most people have is public speaking. And that involves just talking.
I believe your drive to do stand up is your Being telling your Analytical Mind to shut up and get out of the way!
Life is about Doing, not thinking about Doing...
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