Greetings all,
I don't have the greatest of relationships with my brothers and I thought I'd discuss it and get my feelings out.
I don't get along mainly with my oldest brother. I have 3 brothers. Two are twins and they are mentally ill with schizophrenia. They are 9 years older then me. The other is 12 years older then me.
My oldest brother is not the nicest of people. We sort of got along when I was younger, however he doesn't handle stress well it seems and he has abusive tendencies. Back when I was in grade 7, we had a family dog. My friend would come over sometimes for lunch and one day we did. Somehow our dog ran away and I told him and he freaked out and went to hit me. I don't remember if he did but I made myself fall to the ground to protect myself because I didn't want to get hit. I was probably 13 and he was 25 and 6 feet tall. I probably was around 5'4 at the time.
When I was in high school, we had issues with the telephone and if I were on it and he wanted to be on it, he would get angry at me. I think he would rudely get on the phone and demand that I get off of it. I was not someone you mistreat and I would give him attitude back. Sometimes when he didn't get his way, he would call me abusive names. He has called me a slut and a whore several times. And in an angry and abusive manner. He was probably 28 at the time and I never had a boyfriend until I was 19.
He pissed me off so much while I was on the phone one time that I snapped and threw the phone in my bedroom. I made some damage to the wall. It's still there.
When I was 23 and came back to my parents from my summer of working in Yellowknife, he ended up getting himself in jail for harassing a woman. He had spent 2 weeks there.
I feel ashamed to have him as a brother at times. He is out of work and on welfare. He finished taking a course on how to be a truck mechanic and hasn't found work and doesn't seem willing to take any job. When I was in high school and he worked at Camco (which is shut down now), he would complain that he always meets these women on welfare and then would complain about how many single mothers are on welfare in Hamilton. I find it ironic that now he is one of them (on welfare). It's not right to be so judgemental towards people.
I am angry at my parents as well since I told them about the incident in grade 7 over the dog and they did nothing about it. They did nothing about how he's been mean to me. I think they have tried to talk to him but nothing improves. My dad and him do not get along too well.
My parents should have kicked him out. Or forced him to go see a psychiatrist, considering the family history of mental illness. I think as parents they have failed because they should have protected me from him and they didn't. They continued to let him misbehave. They needed tougher rules and to actually enforce them.
As a result, I have tendencies to be hostile towards and to be mean back. It's understandable because once someone crosses that line and starts abusing you, it's normal to become defensive towards them.
And then my mother blames me for the fact that we don't get along. We don't get along because he can be an abusive asshole and I won't just sit there and take it.
I keep my distance from him and sometimes he will email me to ask me how I am doing. It's unfortunate but it would be nice to have a nice, caring brother but I find he is too dumb and too selfish and too nervous and dysfunctional. I feel like an only child at times since I don't feel any connection to my other mentally ill brothers. I don't feel like I can turn to them, even though they are supposed to be the older and wiser ones. I'm actually the wiser one in the family.
Three brothers and none of them I feel close to.
I guess it would be nice to end on a positive note. I try to keep working on my happiness and confidence and try not to react to them. I try to stay neutral. Some times it's easier then others. I pray for my family though since I feel there is some dysfunction.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Greetings all,
I have been slowly getting out of my depressed funk. My apartment has been getting really messy as probably since I've lost motivation to maintain it. I've been slowly cleaning it up. I was starting on Friday and emptied out some of the stuff in my freezer. I had gotten rid of a lot of crap in my fridge when my ex roommate left and so haven't actually gone through my freezer to see what needed to be chucked out. I was happy about that.
I have thought about going back to school in January. I am one conflicted individual. I was thinking of going in event planning and I think maybe some of those skills would be useful for an aspiring comedienne. Then I was also thinking I should just become one but I am still on the fence with that. I am hoping to speak to an employment counsellor this week.
The thing is as well is that I consider myself an intellectual and so look down on college. I would rather go to university, however I am not clear on what to take there. At least with college there are certain technical skills that maybe more useful for me.
* * *
I feel like I am being defeated. Is this a good thing? A bad thing? Who knows at this time.
I have been slowly getting out of my depressed funk. My apartment has been getting really messy as probably since I've lost motivation to maintain it. I've been slowly cleaning it up. I was starting on Friday and emptied out some of the stuff in my freezer. I had gotten rid of a lot of crap in my fridge when my ex roommate left and so haven't actually gone through my freezer to see what needed to be chucked out. I was happy about that.
I have thought about going back to school in January. I am one conflicted individual. I was thinking of going in event planning and I think maybe some of those skills would be useful for an aspiring comedienne. Then I was also thinking I should just become one but I am still on the fence with that. I am hoping to speak to an employment counsellor this week.
The thing is as well is that I consider myself an intellectual and so look down on college. I would rather go to university, however I am not clear on what to take there. At least with college there are certain technical skills that maybe more useful for me.
I feel like I am being defeated. Is this a good thing? A bad thing? Who knows at this time.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Rant Time
Greetings all,
I have a couple of things to rant about in this post. First of all, I went out briefly today and I have noticed that when I walk alone on the sidewalk, and two or more people are walking towards me (like a couple or friends), they will not move and I seem to be the one that is always moving. Well I am tired of being the one who always moves and I don't know what is wrong with people. Is it just the people of Toronto who act like this and think they are entitled to hog the sidewalk or is this just how people typically act?
No more Ms. Nice Woman anymore. I am not moving and adapting to people. Wake up people!
* * *
My other rant is hearing people have sex. I have a house that is close to my building. I have no a/c and so I have to keep my windows open to maintain some coolness in my apartment. I hear one neighbor whose baby cries alot. It's annoying. I always wonder what they are doing wrong. Babies usually cry for a few reasons. 1. they are hunger 2. they need their diaper changed 3. they are teething or are sick 4. they want attention and are bored 5. are tired or 6. they are just easily irritable.
So I always wonder if the mother is just being irresponsible as the daily crying makes no sense to me. Anyways, that annoys me, however I understand a baby doesn't know any better.
But what truly annoys me is hearing the neighbors going at it. I don't know if they are the neighbors next door or if they are the neighbors in my building.
Today I was having my dinner at 7pm and I heard the neighbors. This irks me and is my BIGGEST pet peeve. I have really good hearing too and that just makes it more annoying. I just think it's rude. They could have music playing so that people wouldn't hear.
So instead I decided to play some of my mantra meditation music and I was blasting it out the window. I don't know if it made them realize they were behaving inappropriately but I hope so. I hope it annoyed them as much as they annoyed me.
Selfish people suck!
I have a couple of things to rant about in this post. First of all, I went out briefly today and I have noticed that when I walk alone on the sidewalk, and two or more people are walking towards me (like a couple or friends), they will not move and I seem to be the one that is always moving. Well I am tired of being the one who always moves and I don't know what is wrong with people. Is it just the people of Toronto who act like this and think they are entitled to hog the sidewalk or is this just how people typically act?
No more Ms. Nice Woman anymore. I am not moving and adapting to people. Wake up people!
My other rant is hearing people have sex. I have a house that is close to my building. I have no a/c and so I have to keep my windows open to maintain some coolness in my apartment. I hear one neighbor whose baby cries alot. It's annoying. I always wonder what they are doing wrong. Babies usually cry for a few reasons. 1. they are hunger 2. they need their diaper changed 3. they are teething or are sick 4. they want attention and are bored 5. are tired or 6. they are just easily irritable.
So I always wonder if the mother is just being irresponsible as the daily crying makes no sense to me. Anyways, that annoys me, however I understand a baby doesn't know any better.
But what truly annoys me is hearing the neighbors going at it. I don't know if they are the neighbors next door or if they are the neighbors in my building.
Today I was having my dinner at 7pm and I heard the neighbors. This irks me and is my BIGGEST pet peeve. I have really good hearing too and that just makes it more annoying. I just think it's rude. They could have music playing so that people wouldn't hear.
So instead I decided to play some of my mantra meditation music and I was blasting it out the window. I don't know if it made them realize they were behaving inappropriately but I hope so. I hope it annoyed them as much as they annoyed me.
Selfish people suck!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Down down down
Greetings all,
It has been a rough week for me as I have been feeling rather unmotivated and depressed. I had stayed at my parents for a few days and for the rest of the week I stayed at my place and had become depressed about my life and my work situation.
I just don't understand anymore my life and it hurts. I wonder often what is wrong with me?
I am smart, attractive and funny and yet there is something not clicking in my life and I just don't understand.
I've been trying to stay positive but I think I am better off accepting my situation and my pain. I really feel hopeless and I feel maybe I just will not get the things I want (family, job that I enjoy).
I feel beaten down and I don't like it.
I want certain things to materialize in my life and maybe it just won't happen. Why fight it? Why work hard in vain?
Why do others seem to have life so easy and are leading happy and productive lives? Life just doesn't seem fair.
It has been a rough week for me as I have been feeling rather unmotivated and depressed. I had stayed at my parents for a few days and for the rest of the week I stayed at my place and had become depressed about my life and my work situation.
I just don't understand anymore my life and it hurts. I wonder often what is wrong with me?
I am smart, attractive and funny and yet there is something not clicking in my life and I just don't understand.
I've been trying to stay positive but I think I am better off accepting my situation and my pain. I really feel hopeless and I feel maybe I just will not get the things I want (family, job that I enjoy).
I feel beaten down and I don't like it.
I want certain things to materialize in my life and maybe it just won't happen. Why fight it? Why work hard in vain?
Why do others seem to have life so easy and are leading happy and productive lives? Life just doesn't seem fair.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Moving On
Greetings all,
I had written a few years ago about a gumball machine business I had and other confessions about my financial woes. I am getting ready to sell them. I have taken a few out and plan on selling them individually as I think in the long run I will have more success in finding people to buy them, rather then selling the whole route. As well, over the years I have had a few stolen so my original 25 is now some weird number like 21. I have insurance on them and didn't bother to replace them since I had the intention of selling them.
I've had a few machines get stolen as I had picked up a few these past 2 days. They were stolen because the business owners probably went bankrupt and didn't bother to contact me to pick up the machine. This has happened a few times and the problem is that I don't chain them to something sturdy but also these owners are being irresponsible.
One of my machines was at a location of my ex friend Mike whom I talk about back here. I wasn't sure if he would be there as my machine was at his work place, a truck washing place. They have 2 shifts and he was the supervisor. I don't know if he still works there so I was nervous about what to say if I run into him since I didn't want to deal with him since he decided to not be my friend anymore. My mom has been accompanying me these past 2 days and I had told her that Mike was there and I didn't know what to say. We had talked and I realized I can just be polite and say I am taking out the machine. I don't need to be friendly or anything, just be professional.
Well luckily he wasn't there. I spoke to someone there to say I was removing the machine but I never bothered to ask if he still worked there.
I've had some issues with my dad because he didn't really like this idea of me investing in a gumball machine business. At the time, I really felt I could make decent money and maybe quit working so I could have more free time to pursue creative endeavors. He basically pulled an 'I told you so' yesterday and I told him off. At dinner tonight, I calmly told him my feelings about the situation. At the time I was doing what I thought was best. In the long run it didn't work out as I wanted it to but I did learn something from doing this. In that sense I don't think it was a mistake. Lots of successful people try things that don't work out they way they initially planned but they persevered and became successful.
I just want to get these out of my hands and move forward in my life. At least I tried and took a risk. I am upset at myself and do feel bad about it not going as I had thought. Of course I feel a sense of failure but there's no point in continuing to beat myself up. I've done enough of that anyways. Being responsible for these machines has felt like a burden so I will feel much better and lighter when I begin to sell them.
I had written a few years ago about a gumball machine business I had and other confessions about my financial woes. I am getting ready to sell them. I have taken a few out and plan on selling them individually as I think in the long run I will have more success in finding people to buy them, rather then selling the whole route. As well, over the years I have had a few stolen so my original 25 is now some weird number like 21. I have insurance on them and didn't bother to replace them since I had the intention of selling them.
I've had a few machines get stolen as I had picked up a few these past 2 days. They were stolen because the business owners probably went bankrupt and didn't bother to contact me to pick up the machine. This has happened a few times and the problem is that I don't chain them to something sturdy but also these owners are being irresponsible.
One of my machines was at a location of my ex friend Mike whom I talk about back here. I wasn't sure if he would be there as my machine was at his work place, a truck washing place. They have 2 shifts and he was the supervisor. I don't know if he still works there so I was nervous about what to say if I run into him since I didn't want to deal with him since he decided to not be my friend anymore. My mom has been accompanying me these past 2 days and I had told her that Mike was there and I didn't know what to say. We had talked and I realized I can just be polite and say I am taking out the machine. I don't need to be friendly or anything, just be professional.
Well luckily he wasn't there. I spoke to someone there to say I was removing the machine but I never bothered to ask if he still worked there.
I've had some issues with my dad because he didn't really like this idea of me investing in a gumball machine business. At the time, I really felt I could make decent money and maybe quit working so I could have more free time to pursue creative endeavors. He basically pulled an 'I told you so' yesterday and I told him off. At dinner tonight, I calmly told him my feelings about the situation. At the time I was doing what I thought was best. In the long run it didn't work out as I wanted it to but I did learn something from doing this. In that sense I don't think it was a mistake. Lots of successful people try things that don't work out they way they initially planned but they persevered and became successful.
I just want to get these out of my hands and move forward in my life. At least I tried and took a risk. I am upset at myself and do feel bad about it not going as I had thought. Of course I feel a sense of failure but there's no point in continuing to beat myself up. I've done enough of that anyways. Being responsible for these machines has felt like a burden so I will feel much better and lighter when I begin to sell them.
Friday, August 06, 2010
Unemployed Woes
Greetings all,
it's been my first week of not working and it's been weird. I've had a chance to settle down after my yoga retreat. I didn't do much this week and just did some yoga. I will have to start getting myself organized next week.
My mind has been all over the place and today it has settled a bit. I was thinking that at least with a job, I had a routine and my mind was occupied. Now I have too much free time and I end up getting absorbed too much into myself.
I will also miss the social aspect of work. I feel now that I will become too withdrawn. That happened a bit to me last year. I don't know if it's because I'm an introvert and since I don't have much external obligations, I just withdraw because of my introvert nature?
I want to get active again and I feel I've lost some momentum but I think I need to start finding work I enjoy. I know there are people out there who like what they do so it's not unrealistic.
I don't feel this getting laid off again is a blessing but maybe it is
it's been my first week of not working and it's been weird. I've had a chance to settle down after my yoga retreat. I didn't do much this week and just did some yoga. I will have to start getting myself organized next week.
My mind has been all over the place and today it has settled a bit. I was thinking that at least with a job, I had a routine and my mind was occupied. Now I have too much free time and I end up getting absorbed too much into myself.
I will also miss the social aspect of work. I feel now that I will become too withdrawn. That happened a bit to me last year. I don't know if it's because I'm an introvert and since I don't have much external obligations, I just withdraw because of my introvert nature?
I want to get active again and I feel I've lost some momentum but I think I need to start finding work I enjoy. I know there are people out there who like what they do so it's not unrealistic.
I don't feel this getting laid off again is a blessing but maybe it is
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Yoga Retreat
Greetings all,
I had arranged to go to a yoga retreat a few months ago in Dahlogena Georgia, which is about an hour north of Atlanta. The couple that teaches the workshops for the weekend were Ana Brett and Ravi Singh. I have been following their dvds that they produce along with having my own practice.
It was challenging at times and I am still a bit sore. I was disappointed that I was laid off the day before and it almost has an ominous feel to me. I've never been to a retreat before so I was happy to go there.
I decided to fly out of Buffalo since it looked a bit cheaper. My flight was for 6 am and I ended up not sleeping. I tried to rest a bit at the airport. I was feeling some anxiety over my job loss and anxiety over getting there since I really hate flying.
When I boarded the plane, I felt this wave of panic at my throat centre and I just wanted to get off of the plane. I didn't know if I was intuiting something negative on the plane or just having a freak out over flying. I had never experienced this intense feeling of panic. I had felt so confined and trapped and I didn't like it. I was hoping this would be a safe flight but I was starting to feel like maybe this plane would crash.
I think because I didn't get sleep and because of getting laid off, I probably was more stressed then usual. My flight home was easier. I just felt some mild anxiety.
On the flight to Atlanta, I ended up crying a bit and tried to be discreet about it. The guy sitting next to me asked if I was alright and I said I was feeling better. He worked as an airflight simulator and I told him about how I felt confined and trapped and not being in control of the situation and not knowing what's going on. I know intellectually flying is pretty safe. I just think I'd like to know more about flying.
I was the lone Canadian in my group. I had thought there would be more international people. One woman was telling me someone she knew said that Canadians didn't like their health care and she didn't believe that. She asked me for my opinion and I said we all know it's not perfect but we certainly would not want to give it up and pay for it ourselves. I have not met anyone in my life who was against having health care. Complaining about it is one thing, wanting to get rid of it altogether is another story!
Americans honestly frighten me and I think it's largely due to the media portrayal. A gun loving nation with no health care and lots of violence and an addiction to the belief that there's a god.
They all seemed like normal people and I wanted to stay neutral about my feelings towards them. There are stupid people everywhere and I didn't want to automatically dismiss or judge any foolish thing they said based on the fact that they were American. But they mostly all seemed sensible.
I had taken a car ride to the airport with a couple and they had begun talking about the Afghanistan situation. I was hoping they weren't brainwashed that the whole war is just a scam but they seemed to be aware that this was not the right thing to be doing.
The Americans get fed alot of lies by their government and sometimes you wonder if they can discern through the nonesense. It's very scary when people cling to ideas that don't correspond to reality.
I felt out of it and I think it might take a day or two to adjust to the experience. You just end up going to a different place mentally. I didn't get an epiphany about what direction to take my life but I'm hoping that will come soon.
One of the people that was staying an extra night (as the last class was Sunday and I left Monday) let us use her rental car to go see some water falls in the area. We had went into town for lunch and she had scheduled a massage for the afternoon so we went back to the resort to drop her off. I thought that was generous of her since most people may not be comfortable with letting strangers use their rental car. The water falls were about 15 minutes from the resort so they weren't too far.
I had arranged to go to a yoga retreat a few months ago in Dahlogena Georgia, which is about an hour north of Atlanta. The couple that teaches the workshops for the weekend were Ana Brett and Ravi Singh. I have been following their dvds that they produce along with having my own practice.
It was challenging at times and I am still a bit sore. I was disappointed that I was laid off the day before and it almost has an ominous feel to me. I've never been to a retreat before so I was happy to go there.
I decided to fly out of Buffalo since it looked a bit cheaper. My flight was for 6 am and I ended up not sleeping. I tried to rest a bit at the airport. I was feeling some anxiety over my job loss and anxiety over getting there since I really hate flying.
When I boarded the plane, I felt this wave of panic at my throat centre and I just wanted to get off of the plane. I didn't know if I was intuiting something negative on the plane or just having a freak out over flying. I had never experienced this intense feeling of panic. I had felt so confined and trapped and I didn't like it. I was hoping this would be a safe flight but I was starting to feel like maybe this plane would crash.
I think because I didn't get sleep and because of getting laid off, I probably was more stressed then usual. My flight home was easier. I just felt some mild anxiety.
On the flight to Atlanta, I ended up crying a bit and tried to be discreet about it. The guy sitting next to me asked if I was alright and I said I was feeling better. He worked as an airflight simulator and I told him about how I felt confined and trapped and not being in control of the situation and not knowing what's going on. I know intellectually flying is pretty safe. I just think I'd like to know more about flying.
I was the lone Canadian in my group. I had thought there would be more international people. One woman was telling me someone she knew said that Canadians didn't like their health care and she didn't believe that. She asked me for my opinion and I said we all know it's not perfect but we certainly would not want to give it up and pay for it ourselves. I have not met anyone in my life who was against having health care. Complaining about it is one thing, wanting to get rid of it altogether is another story!
Americans honestly frighten me and I think it's largely due to the media portrayal. A gun loving nation with no health care and lots of violence and an addiction to the belief that there's a god.
They all seemed like normal people and I wanted to stay neutral about my feelings towards them. There are stupid people everywhere and I didn't want to automatically dismiss or judge any foolish thing they said based on the fact that they were American. But they mostly all seemed sensible.
I had taken a car ride to the airport with a couple and they had begun talking about the Afghanistan situation. I was hoping they weren't brainwashed that the whole war is just a scam but they seemed to be aware that this was not the right thing to be doing.
The Americans get fed alot of lies by their government and sometimes you wonder if they can discern through the nonesense. It's very scary when people cling to ideas that don't correspond to reality.
I felt out of it and I think it might take a day or two to adjust to the experience. You just end up going to a different place mentally. I didn't get an epiphany about what direction to take my life but I'm hoping that will come soon.
One of the people that was staying an extra night (as the last class was Sunday and I left Monday) let us use her rental car to go see some water falls in the area. We had went into town for lunch and she had scheduled a massage for the afternoon so we went back to the resort to drop her off. I thought that was generous of her since most people may not be comfortable with letting strangers use their rental car. The water falls were about 15 minutes from the resort so they weren't too far.
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