Greetings all,
My Bound Lotus (BL) practice has been going okay. I started it on May 13 and may do a 1000 day discipline. I've done 40 day, 90 day and 120 day disciplines many times but never a 1000 day. There's no intermediary discipline, although I probably could aim for 500. If I do decide to do 1000 days, I'll probably finish it by the time I graduate school so maybe this practice will guide me through my math and stats courses.
I've been purging and clearing a lot of stuff emotionally. The emotional theme that I seem to be constantly going through is that of feeling my heart break. I'm not even sure what it's about, just that I feel so much pain that it breaks my heart.
I'm experiencing deep sadness so I guess it's good that it is being cleared but I am a little frustrated because I do not know the source of my heart break. Is it past life traumas coming up to surface? I've cleared a lot with my Sat Kriya and Gan Pattee practice so wonder why it seems I have so much to purge.
Last night was a bit different because I started to feel anger. So far I haven't really felt anger in this meditation. I felt angry towards god and I felt abandoned by god. Now I'm agnostic so I am not a believer or disbeliever in god. I'm just not sure if a god is real. I don't feel I've had enough experiences to indicate there is a god. Based on my own experiences, I would guess there isn't a god but I choose to be Agnostic, because hey who knows if there is.
I've felt this way before, namely feeling abandoned by god and it is heart breaking. If God was real, shouldn't he be there for you? I felt abandoned because I feel I have been a good person in this life and all that I experience is pain and suffering. I want a normal life. I want a comfortable life, not one always filled with pain. I want good friends, not ones that turn on me and hurt me. I want a good boyfriend who will become my husband in time so that we can have a family. I don't want someone that isn't loyal to me and would rather spend time with other women. I want a good job instead of always being laid off and I want to make more money and have time to travel.
I just don't feel this life has been easy for me whereas for others it seems everything comes easy. They are no better then me. Here I am doing my spiritual practice and trying to be a good person and yet I get no reward for it. It is painful. My life has been very difficult and painful and people just invalidate my pain. You haven't walked in my shoes, you don't feel what I feel. You don't know what I've been through emotionally.
I'm not sure what to make of this feeling abandoned or the constant feeling of my heart breaking but I will just have to continue with my practice. Others on a facebook group has commented on how BL makes them feel strong but I am not at that point. I feel very weak and also very heart broken. Hopefully BL can help me heal things quickly because I would like to feel clear and happy again.
