Greetings and Salutations,
I have been doing online dating for a while and many men will tell me how cool and amazing I am. Some of the time I don't really feel that way. I consider myself fairly confident person, although I can still feel pretty dumb about things as I am not all knowing and that disturbs me to some degree - although I accept my limitations - that I'll never know everything and be that uber smart person I dream of.
Anyways, I do interesting things on my own. I perform stand up. I do qigong. I travel the world and explore many things. I am willing to push past my fears. I am honest. I am an anthroposophist. I make comedy videos for You Tube.
But when I reflect upon myself, I sometimes feel ordinary. I don't feel special. I just try and be authentic in my life and try to be myself and try to grow and take risks. I don't think what I do is amazing because I feel it's a result of me being myself.
Yes I have my moments of feeling grandiose but that comes and goes and I accept that. You can't be grand all the time!
I don't mind feeling ordinary and so I accept it and sometimes it feels nice.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Pass me a Cigarette
Greetings and Salutations,
These past few days I've been getting into the habit of writing comedy jokes and tonight I was actually writing and staying focused on writing for a good chunk of time.
As much as I enjoy improv and the instant gratification it brings, it has made me a bit averse to writing. I have been slowly accepting the fact that I may have to begin writing again if I want to do stand up and other comedy projects as I have been very resistant to comedy writing. I've been learning about how to do stand up and have some work-along dvd that I've been using these past few days and so I've been writing comedy stuff again, which I haven't done since I was 16. I might have dabbled in joke or sketch ideas but I now seem to be taking it seriously.
And it felt good.
Part of what works in comedy is by starting off serious, or in other words, don't try and be funny. Set up things the right way and the funny naturally emerges.
So I've been writing just premises and topics. It's helpful since I'm not stressing out over being funny.
I keep a journal so I'm used to writing and I do get a certain satisfaction in writing that people who aren't writers may not get.
Writing is a means with which I can delve into my thoughts and give them expression. I can talk to my friends about these things but sometimes putting it on paper makes my thoughts seem more concrete.
Writing is so simple and I've neglected my creative writing for so long and I feel I am rediscovering this simple past time. I feel so complete as a human being.
My insanity is being properly channeled!
Somebody just pass me a cigarette!
These past few days I've been getting into the habit of writing comedy jokes and tonight I was actually writing and staying focused on writing for a good chunk of time.
As much as I enjoy improv and the instant gratification it brings, it has made me a bit averse to writing. I have been slowly accepting the fact that I may have to begin writing again if I want to do stand up and other comedy projects as I have been very resistant to comedy writing. I've been learning about how to do stand up and have some work-along dvd that I've been using these past few days and so I've been writing comedy stuff again, which I haven't done since I was 16. I might have dabbled in joke or sketch ideas but I now seem to be taking it seriously.
And it felt good.
Part of what works in comedy is by starting off serious, or in other words, don't try and be funny. Set up things the right way and the funny naturally emerges.
So I've been writing just premises and topics. It's helpful since I'm not stressing out over being funny.
I keep a journal so I'm used to writing and I do get a certain satisfaction in writing that people who aren't writers may not get.
Writing is a means with which I can delve into my thoughts and give them expression. I can talk to my friends about these things but sometimes putting it on paper makes my thoughts seem more concrete.
Writing is so simple and I've neglected my creative writing for so long and I feel I am rediscovering this simple past time. I feel so complete as a human being.
My insanity is being properly channeled!
Somebody just pass me a cigarette!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Go Away!
Greetings and Salutations,
I don't believe I shared this story with my readers so I shall tell it now.
I had a friend who back in the beginning of July decided to terminate our friendship. He was formally a lover of mine and we dated about 5 years ago for a few months. We decided to be Friends with benefits.
I had a couple of boyfriends during this time but I always thought that we were genuine friends. I would still talk to him even though I would be with someone because I enjoyed talking with him and found him to be a good friend and I thought he was intelligent. I respected him as a person and thought he was a very emotionally balanced and rational person and that was what I appreciated in him.
He didn't really date people because I think he was a bit of a loner and he didn't go out much partly because he didn't have many friends or social activities that he participated in. He also was the primary caretaker of his children who are now in grade 9 and 7.
I had always hoped that we both would find someone to settle down with, preferably around the same time so that I wouldn't lose my benefits. I knew we wouldn't work as a couple but I wanted him to find someone eventually because I genuinely felt he shouldn't be alone for the rest of his life.
He started dating a woman that lived on his street back in January. We would still talk but around March he started to act distant. I typically just talk to him on the phone and don't actually hang out with him. Every time I would call he would say he was busy with Deb (the new girlfriend) or that he can't talk because they were watching a movie. Eventually I got fed up with him acting like an asshole and I sent him an email.
I contacted him before leaving for my trip to Europe in May and he was quite callous and when I asked him questions like how he was doing, he was giving me brief answers.
I contacted him about a month later and his daughter said he wasn't home so I tried the next day. I had this feeling that I shouldn't but I proceeded to anyways. His girlfriend picked up. I thought it was his son as the voice was husky. I asked if I could speak to your dad and she asked who it was and I said Paula. My friend answered and said "I want you to stop calling. My fiance and I don't you want you calling the house anymore". I was quite devastated to hear those words coming out of his mouth. I just politely answered ok and hung up.
I was in shock and stunned. I couldn't believe that he would end this friendship of 6 years. And I was also surprised that he got engaged to someone only after dating for about 5 to 6 months.
My coworkers were telling me his girlfriend is probably insecure because she probably threatened him to end this friendship. If he had more friends, she might have had a harder time trying to get rid of me. I can understand why she would feel threatened but if my friend had cared about me as a friend like I thought he did, he probably would explain that I am not a threat.
I am not someone who tries to steal someone's man. I think that's a waste of time. And how can someone be threatened by a phone conversation?
Some people are weird and my 'friend' is a spineless prick.
This almost just makes me not want to trust people anymore. I considered him a best friend and this is what he does to me? Thanks a lot!
What bothers me is that I've had a couple of dreams where he apologizes to me. Today I had a dream where he was telling me he was an idiot for what he did.
I don't want fucking apologies in my dreams. I want real life apologies.
I don't know if this dream was a message showing that perhaps on some level my 'friend' does feel bad about what he did. But you know what? I don't fucking care about getting stupid messages from my subconscious like that. I want real apologies. How is this to make me feel better?
I did move on from this incident but having this dream just reminded me again of this incident. I feel like I've moved on and now my subconscious is being a prick by reminding me of this all over again.
Fuck off already and leave me alone!
I don't believe I shared this story with my readers so I shall tell it now.
I had a friend who back in the beginning of July decided to terminate our friendship. He was formally a lover of mine and we dated about 5 years ago for a few months. We decided to be Friends with benefits.
I had a couple of boyfriends during this time but I always thought that we were genuine friends. I would still talk to him even though I would be with someone because I enjoyed talking with him and found him to be a good friend and I thought he was intelligent. I respected him as a person and thought he was a very emotionally balanced and rational person and that was what I appreciated in him.
He didn't really date people because I think he was a bit of a loner and he didn't go out much partly because he didn't have many friends or social activities that he participated in. He also was the primary caretaker of his children who are now in grade 9 and 7.
I had always hoped that we both would find someone to settle down with, preferably around the same time so that I wouldn't lose my benefits. I knew we wouldn't work as a couple but I wanted him to find someone eventually because I genuinely felt he shouldn't be alone for the rest of his life.
He started dating a woman that lived on his street back in January. We would still talk but around March he started to act distant. I typically just talk to him on the phone and don't actually hang out with him. Every time I would call he would say he was busy with Deb (the new girlfriend) or that he can't talk because they were watching a movie. Eventually I got fed up with him acting like an asshole and I sent him an email.
I contacted him before leaving for my trip to Europe in May and he was quite callous and when I asked him questions like how he was doing, he was giving me brief answers.
I contacted him about a month later and his daughter said he wasn't home so I tried the next day. I had this feeling that I shouldn't but I proceeded to anyways. His girlfriend picked up. I thought it was his son as the voice was husky. I asked if I could speak to your dad and she asked who it was and I said Paula. My friend answered and said "I want you to stop calling. My fiance and I don't you want you calling the house anymore". I was quite devastated to hear those words coming out of his mouth. I just politely answered ok and hung up.
I was in shock and stunned. I couldn't believe that he would end this friendship of 6 years. And I was also surprised that he got engaged to someone only after dating for about 5 to 6 months.
My coworkers were telling me his girlfriend is probably insecure because she probably threatened him to end this friendship. If he had more friends, she might have had a harder time trying to get rid of me. I can understand why she would feel threatened but if my friend had cared about me as a friend like I thought he did, he probably would explain that I am not a threat.
I am not someone who tries to steal someone's man. I think that's a waste of time. And how can someone be threatened by a phone conversation?
Some people are weird and my 'friend' is a spineless prick.
This almost just makes me not want to trust people anymore. I considered him a best friend and this is what he does to me? Thanks a lot!
What bothers me is that I've had a couple of dreams where he apologizes to me. Today I had a dream where he was telling me he was an idiot for what he did.
I don't want fucking apologies in my dreams. I want real life apologies.
I don't know if this dream was a message showing that perhaps on some level my 'friend' does feel bad about what he did. But you know what? I don't fucking care about getting stupid messages from my subconscious like that. I want real apologies. How is this to make me feel better?
I did move on from this incident but having this dream just reminded me again of this incident. I feel like I've moved on and now my subconscious is being a prick by reminding me of this all over again.
Fuck off already and leave me alone!
Monday, September 08, 2008
Faith
Greetings and Salutations,
Yesterday morning I had a dream where a friend of mine was telling me to start thinking that everything will work out in the end. To have faith, if you will.
I've always had to struggle with having faith in things but I guess I do show faith in things. Right now I just feel like I don't know if I'll have all the things I desire in my life. My desires are simple and yet I wonder if I will have them.
Things seem bleak at times but I try to be rational about things but I guess my dream was telling me something I needed to hear.
I am hoping my dream is right because it would be very sad if it were wrong.
Yesterday morning I had a dream where a friend of mine was telling me to start thinking that everything will work out in the end. To have faith, if you will.
I've always had to struggle with having faith in things but I guess I do show faith in things. Right now I just feel like I don't know if I'll have all the things I desire in my life. My desires are simple and yet I wonder if I will have them.
Things seem bleak at times but I try to be rational about things but I guess my dream was telling me something I needed to hear.
I am hoping my dream is right because it would be very sad if it were wrong.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Closing Shop
Greetings and Salutations,
I am making an announcement that will astound my readers.
I have decided that I will refrain from casual sex.
I finished reading a book entitled "Getting to I Do" (the title was lame but I think the book was informative and useful) and it was for women on how to be successful in long term relationships, that can possibly lead to marriage.
One of the sections discussed how not to have sex unless you get a commitment from the man and it makes sense because it discussed how having sex for women makes them fall more in love with someone and that some chemical is produced (oxytocin) that makes a woman bond to a man. It isn't produced as much in men as women and so for women to begin to have sex with a man, it can be addictive.
For men to fall in love with a woman, they need to commit because they do not fall in love the way a woman does, (who fall in love through sex and sharing their body).
Since my main goal is to find a long term relationship that may possibly lead to marriage, I decided that I will follow this. It suggests a dating period of 3 months.
I think it is useful as well since it forces you to be friends with them first, which I always felt was important. It states that friendship is the root and sex is the bloom.
I have had sex early on in the relationhip and I don't think it made me fall in love with the person, although it does tend to distract you from getting to know them to some degree. I don't think it was a problem for me since I always made it a point to get to know someone while dating and not getting caught up with the excitement of sex.
I guess for me since I am dating a bunch of guys, it would make sense to not be sleeping with each guy I date because I do not want to end up like a Jerry Springer guest.
I think I will try this out and see if it works for me.
The book had other useful advice and I recommend reading it.
I am making an announcement that will astound my readers.
I have decided that I will refrain from casual sex.
I finished reading a book entitled "Getting to I Do" (the title was lame but I think the book was informative and useful) and it was for women on how to be successful in long term relationships, that can possibly lead to marriage.
One of the sections discussed how not to have sex unless you get a commitment from the man and it makes sense because it discussed how having sex for women makes them fall more in love with someone and that some chemical is produced (oxytocin) that makes a woman bond to a man. It isn't produced as much in men as women and so for women to begin to have sex with a man, it can be addictive.
For men to fall in love with a woman, they need to commit because they do not fall in love the way a woman does, (who fall in love through sex and sharing their body).
Since my main goal is to find a long term relationship that may possibly lead to marriage, I decided that I will follow this. It suggests a dating period of 3 months.
I think it is useful as well since it forces you to be friends with them first, which I always felt was important. It states that friendship is the root and sex is the bloom.
I have had sex early on in the relationhip and I don't think it made me fall in love with the person, although it does tend to distract you from getting to know them to some degree. I don't think it was a problem for me since I always made it a point to get to know someone while dating and not getting caught up with the excitement of sex.
I guess for me since I am dating a bunch of guys, it would make sense to not be sleeping with each guy I date because I do not want to end up like a Jerry Springer guest.
I think I will try this out and see if it works for me.
The book had other useful advice and I recommend reading it.
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