Greetings all,
I decided on Boxing Day to remove Daniel as my friend on Facebook. It was last year on Boxing Day that he finally got the balls to call me after 4 months of messaging me and being my friend on facebook.
He didn't even wish me a Merry Christmas this year and he didn't respond to my message on Facebook as well. I sent him a message a while ago stating that I no longer felt comfortable messaging him as a way to get to know him and asked for him to come up with some other way to get to know me. I didn't want to come out and ask him but I was expecting him to suggest we talk on Skype. I then sent another message about 2 weeks later asking if he's had the chance to think about what I wrote but I heard nothing from him.
I am looking for a relationship so I figure he probably is not ready for one even though maybe he thinks he is. I am just going to forget about him and if he wants me he can find me. I have no time to waste.
Am I just being a woman by expecting a Merry Christmas? Since I am dating others until I get a committment, even these guys have the courtesy to wish me a Merry Christmas. For a British person, he was quite rude!
This is probably my 3rd or 2nd time removing Daniel as my friend and he did it to me twice as well. I know this is juvenile. I've had a couple of guys on the Speedating application or on some other dating site I'm on add me as their friend but I end up removing them if I don't hear from them anymore. I think from now on I won't add guys that are boyfriend prospects. That to me seems the simplest of solutions.
I also used Facebook as a revenge tool against Daniel, which again I know is juvenile. I had a date and wrote as my status update that I "am looking forward to my hot date. Meow". The next day or 2 I see on Daniel's wall that he adds the dating application (I think this is what it's called) So Are You Interested? About 5 days after my date with this guy he asks me to go salsa dancing so I update my status to say that I'm "looking forward to my salsa dancing date" and I check Daniel's wall the next day and see that he was searching profiles on the So Are you Interested? dating application. A few days after that he clears that from him wall.
I know that he was doing that to piss me off, much like how I was using my status updates to piss him off. I know I'm bad. But I was only doing that to let him know that I'm not sitting around waiting for him. I am making myself available and he better snatch me up otherwise I'll find someone local.
But no that doesn't work and so I am just getting rid of him as my friend. If he wants me he can find me because I am done waiting for him!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Psycho Girl
Greetings all,
I actually had my meeting with my roommate on Sunday night and it lasted for an hour and 20 minutes and off I went to my book group.
My roommate is officially psycho. I think I realized that she really is just immature and still has a lot of growing up to do. She just doesn't compromise well and is very much 'her way or the highway'.
She had a chance to speak about things after I was done and was still complaining how I was complaining at her last party about how I wanted the music to be lowered at 2.45 am. She kept harping I was jealous because I went to the other parties and didn't complain about the noise. I didn't go to that party because I was recovering from a cold. I don't know why I was not complaining about the music at the other parties but maybe the music wasn't blaring at 2.45 am. This is just such a stupid thing to argue for because all I ask is for the music to be lowered and here she makes a big drama that I am treating her like a child. I don't want to be the drag in the party so lowering the music to me sounds like a fairly reasonable request.
In her mind she justifies things by saying that she doesn't have parties all the time so having the music blaring so late is okay since she doesn't normally. It's not okay because I don't appreciate it and need to sleep with minimal noise. I pay rent too. It's just as much my space as hers. She just doesn't get it. Since I plan to move out to Toronto, I don't see the point in getting a new roommate, otherwise I would have asked her to leave.
She also has an issue with the way I clean and still insists she is the better cleaner.
Whatever!
She claims to be anal about cleaning which is fine but she doesn't have the right to demand that I clean as well as she claims she cleans. I clean as best as I can and don't appreciate being told that I am inadequate in that department. If she thinks my cleaning sucks and it's so important to her, then she needs to leave and find another place to stay. I cleaned the apartment a few weeks ago and she said she could still see hairs on the sink.
Whatever!
I know how much she doesn't like hair so I know that I clean things properly. I think she is just making that up!
She claims that she wears her heart on her sleeve and that she stands up for herself and doesn't take bullshit from anyone but I think those are fancy code words for "I'm really a drama queen" and "I'm a bully so it's my way or no way"
I began talking about the night where she called at 1.19 am so she apologized for that but then she complained how she didn't like my tone with her. I told her the next day (I was extremely pissed) in a calm tone with anger underlying it that I was not impressed and that we will talk about it another time. She saw that as me talking to her like a child.
Bitch I ain't talking to you like a child, I'm talking to you like an angry woman who rudely got woken up in the middle of the night!
I am still seething with anger and may have a follow up meeting because I had some things to clarify.
I also tried to explain to her that the lights on the Christmas tree are not a fire hazard and I told her that I did research but she wouldn't even acknowledge it and kept insisting like a psycho that she doesn't want her dog at risk and that her dog is her life (which is really sad if you invest yourself so emotionally into something that isn't human. I love my cat but one day she will dead and she can never replicate the love I get from people).
I had no choice but to agree to her stupid fear which really angers me. I am right but again am being forced to accommodate her to maintain the peace.
The other thing I complained about, which largely is because she is always nit-picking me is about the shower curtain. I usually leave it open after my bath and she closes it. She insists that it has to be closed. Here she wouldn't budge on this and insisted it be closed. I don't care and I am not going to close it. One day I caught myself closing but I say fuck it, I am not here to accommodate her. I leave it open and that's my style. She insists people will see it and they shouldn't. I say who cares? I don't even have people over and even if I did, I wouldn't care what they think.
This brings me to another issue. Since she likes having people over and I don't bring my friends over, she seems to think I'm some sort of social charity case. I'm not. I probably go out socializing more then she does but I like GOING OUT as opposed to bringing people to my house.
That's basically the bottom line. I have a certain way of doing things and she just needs to accept it. I'm not going to change the fact that I like to sleep without blaring music or that I like the curtain open. I am willing to compromise but I'm not compromising my opinions or my style. What bothers me is that she thinks it's okay to criticize my habits but I should not even dare to criticize hers. Living with someone is a 2-way street and this is my apartment as well. I felt bad that I had to bring up these petty issues but I was doing it because that's what she does to me and normally I just don't say anything and let her analness slide but Sunday night was a time for me to let her know I'm not to be bullied.
What also disturbs me is that she is so defensive about being treated like a child. Is asserting my needs treating her like a child? No but that's what she thinks and she needs to get over herself and realize that she is wrong.
In my mind as well, I am really the one in charge and I feel that I am pretty laid back and accommodating and do try to smooth over differences so that there is harmony and that we are both happy. I don't tell her how to run her life. I just expect bills to be paid, people to be respected and quiet.
The apartment is in my name and so are the bills. The furniture is all pretty much mine with the exception of her 2 couches.
I actually had my meeting with my roommate on Sunday night and it lasted for an hour and 20 minutes and off I went to my book group.
My roommate is officially psycho. I think I realized that she really is just immature and still has a lot of growing up to do. She just doesn't compromise well and is very much 'her way or the highway'.
She had a chance to speak about things after I was done and was still complaining how I was complaining at her last party about how I wanted the music to be lowered at 2.45 am. She kept harping I was jealous because I went to the other parties and didn't complain about the noise. I didn't go to that party because I was recovering from a cold. I don't know why I was not complaining about the music at the other parties but maybe the music wasn't blaring at 2.45 am. This is just such a stupid thing to argue for because all I ask is for the music to be lowered and here she makes a big drama that I am treating her like a child. I don't want to be the drag in the party so lowering the music to me sounds like a fairly reasonable request.
In her mind she justifies things by saying that she doesn't have parties all the time so having the music blaring so late is okay since she doesn't normally. It's not okay because I don't appreciate it and need to sleep with minimal noise. I pay rent too. It's just as much my space as hers. She just doesn't get it. Since I plan to move out to Toronto, I don't see the point in getting a new roommate, otherwise I would have asked her to leave.
She also has an issue with the way I clean and still insists she is the better cleaner.
Whatever!
She claims to be anal about cleaning which is fine but she doesn't have the right to demand that I clean as well as she claims she cleans. I clean as best as I can and don't appreciate being told that I am inadequate in that department. If she thinks my cleaning sucks and it's so important to her, then she needs to leave and find another place to stay. I cleaned the apartment a few weeks ago and she said she could still see hairs on the sink.
Whatever!
I know how much she doesn't like hair so I know that I clean things properly. I think she is just making that up!
She claims that she wears her heart on her sleeve and that she stands up for herself and doesn't take bullshit from anyone but I think those are fancy code words for "I'm really a drama queen" and "I'm a bully so it's my way or no way"
I began talking about the night where she called at 1.19 am so she apologized for that but then she complained how she didn't like my tone with her. I told her the next day (I was extremely pissed) in a calm tone with anger underlying it that I was not impressed and that we will talk about it another time. She saw that as me talking to her like a child.
Bitch I ain't talking to you like a child, I'm talking to you like an angry woman who rudely got woken up in the middle of the night!
I am still seething with anger and may have a follow up meeting because I had some things to clarify.
I also tried to explain to her that the lights on the Christmas tree are not a fire hazard and I told her that I did research but she wouldn't even acknowledge it and kept insisting like a psycho that she doesn't want her dog at risk and that her dog is her life (which is really sad if you invest yourself so emotionally into something that isn't human. I love my cat but one day she will dead and she can never replicate the love I get from people).
I had no choice but to agree to her stupid fear which really angers me. I am right but again am being forced to accommodate her to maintain the peace.
The other thing I complained about, which largely is because she is always nit-picking me is about the shower curtain. I usually leave it open after my bath and she closes it. She insists that it has to be closed. Here she wouldn't budge on this and insisted it be closed. I don't care and I am not going to close it. One day I caught myself closing but I say fuck it, I am not here to accommodate her. I leave it open and that's my style. She insists people will see it and they shouldn't. I say who cares? I don't even have people over and even if I did, I wouldn't care what they think.
This brings me to another issue. Since she likes having people over and I don't bring my friends over, she seems to think I'm some sort of social charity case. I'm not. I probably go out socializing more then she does but I like GOING OUT as opposed to bringing people to my house.
That's basically the bottom line. I have a certain way of doing things and she just needs to accept it. I'm not going to change the fact that I like to sleep without blaring music or that I like the curtain open. I am willing to compromise but I'm not compromising my opinions or my style. What bothers me is that she thinks it's okay to criticize my habits but I should not even dare to criticize hers. Living with someone is a 2-way street and this is my apartment as well. I felt bad that I had to bring up these petty issues but I was doing it because that's what she does to me and normally I just don't say anything and let her analness slide but Sunday night was a time for me to let her know I'm not to be bullied.
What also disturbs me is that she is so defensive about being treated like a child. Is asserting my needs treating her like a child? No but that's what she thinks and she needs to get over herself and realize that she is wrong.
In my mind as well, I am really the one in charge and I feel that I am pretty laid back and accommodating and do try to smooth over differences so that there is harmony and that we are both happy. I don't tell her how to run her life. I just expect bills to be paid, people to be respected and quiet.
The apartment is in my name and so are the bills. The furniture is all pretty much mine with the exception of her 2 couches.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Hissing Fit
Greetings and Salutations,
I have been visiting my parents for the holidays and ever since I moved out last year in August, my parent's cat hisses at me. We bought her about 12 years ago and she usually just hissed at my twin brothers since they didn't live at my parents when we bought her.
It was love at first sight for me when I met Sally. I was the one that picked her out at the SPCA. She still is the most beautiful cat in the world and no cat comes close to her beauty. But like many cats she doesn't like affection and is quite aloof. It breaks my heart because all I want to do is hold her and love her but she won't let me.
When I lived with my parents she would only hiss at me if my twin brothers were around to visit for dinner, which was usually on a Sunday. She would hiss because she was already stressed by their presence.
But ever since I have moved out she hisses at me. I don't understand where all the hate comes from. Is it because I left her alone with my wacky parents?
Come on Sally they are not that bad!
I love her so much and wish she would stop hissing at me.
I still would pick her up to hug her even though I was allergic to her but that's what I do for love. I don't care how much she causes my eyes to water. And now for over a year and a half I deal with this rejection.
Love hurts.
I have been visiting my parents for the holidays and ever since I moved out last year in August, my parent's cat hisses at me. We bought her about 12 years ago and she usually just hissed at my twin brothers since they didn't live at my parents when we bought her.
It was love at first sight for me when I met Sally. I was the one that picked her out at the SPCA. She still is the most beautiful cat in the world and no cat comes close to her beauty. But like many cats she doesn't like affection and is quite aloof. It breaks my heart because all I want to do is hold her and love her but she won't let me.
When I lived with my parents she would only hiss at me if my twin brothers were around to visit for dinner, which was usually on a Sunday. She would hiss because she was already stressed by their presence.
But ever since I have moved out she hisses at me. I don't understand where all the hate comes from. Is it because I left her alone with my wacky parents?
Come on Sally they are not that bad!
I love her so much and wish she would stop hissing at me.
I still would pick her up to hug her even though I was allergic to her but that's what I do for love. I don't care how much she causes my eyes to water. And now for over a year and a half I deal with this rejection.
Love hurts.
Monday, December 22, 2008
It Doesn't Make Sense!
Greetings and Salutations,
I think I need to accept the fact that Life Doesn't Make Sense!
When I look back over my life and I try to make sense of my life and the events and then I look at other people's lives and contrast to mine, I just realize, it doesn't make sense.
I am friends with this girl on my facebook whom we went to the same school as children. She is butt ugly and dumb but I think she is a decent person with (I shudder that I am using this expression) a good heart. She has half of what I want in life - a husband and children.
Growing up I always assumed I would be successful but much to my surprise, good fortune was difficult for me to come by. Now my life is starting to turn around and good things are starting to happen to me.
I try not to get jealous of this girl who has half of what I want because I have to keep the faith that eventually my man will come. If a butt ugly girl can find love and a husband, surely a pretty girl who is intelligent and compassionate like I am will too. But it sure doesn't make sense!
I chalk it all up to karma!
* * *
It's official!
My roommate is officially stupid!
I put up my Christmas tree a couple of weeks ago and also got an angel light decoration for the front window. My tree is fake. I went out one evening to do some errands and left the lights on leaving her dog home alone.
She wrote a note saying that it's a fire hazard. I did some research on the internet and found that if you plug too many outlets, or have damaged wires, then it is a potential risk. I bought new lights and the box said overheating will occur if you have 300 lights plugged into one outlet. I only have 50 lights.
My parents always left the lights unattended and there was never a problem. I know that overloading an outlet can cause a fire, but that can happen any time of the year.
So of course being the intelligent woman that I am, I ignore her ignorance and end up leaving the lights unattended for a second time as well only to have her write another message on the board about it being a fire hazard - which I didn't bother to read. I explained to her while down the hall but I don't think she cared to listen.
Do stupid people not realize that it's always important to respect and listen to people who are smarter then you? Or does their stupidity blind them to this simple truth?
I finally sent an email request to her about wanting a meeting but she says she is busy tonight and busy this week as it's Christmas. I will have to educate her about the lights. I will also be talking to her about how she is never to phone me at 1.19 in the morning inviting people over. There are other things as well that I have to talk to her about. I created a cleaning schedule because she was complaining how she cleans more but then she ends up not following it. I am starting to feel like she thinks I'm some doormat, which I am not. I may be laid back about things but I want order as well and expect to be treated with respected.
I think I need to accept the fact that Life Doesn't Make Sense!
When I look back over my life and I try to make sense of my life and the events and then I look at other people's lives and contrast to mine, I just realize, it doesn't make sense.
I am friends with this girl on my facebook whom we went to the same school as children. She is butt ugly and dumb but I think she is a decent person with (I shudder that I am using this expression) a good heart. She has half of what I want in life - a husband and children.
Growing up I always assumed I would be successful but much to my surprise, good fortune was difficult for me to come by. Now my life is starting to turn around and good things are starting to happen to me.
I try not to get jealous of this girl who has half of what I want because I have to keep the faith that eventually my man will come. If a butt ugly girl can find love and a husband, surely a pretty girl who is intelligent and compassionate like I am will too. But it sure doesn't make sense!
I chalk it all up to karma!
It's official!
My roommate is officially stupid!
I put up my Christmas tree a couple of weeks ago and also got an angel light decoration for the front window. My tree is fake. I went out one evening to do some errands and left the lights on leaving her dog home alone.
She wrote a note saying that it's a fire hazard. I did some research on the internet and found that if you plug too many outlets, or have damaged wires, then it is a potential risk. I bought new lights and the box said overheating will occur if you have 300 lights plugged into one outlet. I only have 50 lights.
My parents always left the lights unattended and there was never a problem. I know that overloading an outlet can cause a fire, but that can happen any time of the year.
So of course being the intelligent woman that I am, I ignore her ignorance and end up leaving the lights unattended for a second time as well only to have her write another message on the board about it being a fire hazard - which I didn't bother to read. I explained to her while down the hall but I don't think she cared to listen.
Do stupid people not realize that it's always important to respect and listen to people who are smarter then you? Or does their stupidity blind them to this simple truth?
I finally sent an email request to her about wanting a meeting but she says she is busy tonight and busy this week as it's Christmas. I will have to educate her about the lights. I will also be talking to her about how she is never to phone me at 1.19 in the morning inviting people over. There are other things as well that I have to talk to her about. I created a cleaning schedule because she was complaining how she cleans more but then she ends up not following it. I am starting to feel like she thinks I'm some doormat, which I am not. I may be laid back about things but I want order as well and expect to be treated with respected.
Friday, December 19, 2008
My New Video
Greetings all,
We are having a major snow storm here and so decided to create a video since there was nothing better to do.
Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SYQtpSUqaU
I may be going to Hell
We are having a major snow storm here and so decided to create a video since there was nothing better to do.
Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SYQtpSUqaU
I may be going to Hell
Anthroposophy and Angels
Greetings and Salutations,
Since I am interested in the philosophy known as anthroposophy, one of the things Steiner discusses is that of a spiritual hierarchy. He talks about the same hierarchy found in the Christian religion, which includes angels, archangels, archai, etc. I found myself open intellectually to these concepts but on a practical level, I had my doubts.
I joined a meetup group called 'Meet your Spirit Guides and Angels' a few months ago and the woman who runs it had been trained by Doreen Virtue's company (or Virtue herself, I don't know). Virtue has some Angel Practioner course and trains people to do readings for people and communicate with people's guides and angels and giving them messages or help with healing.
The woman who runs the group that I go to can see supersensible things and can talk to angels and Archangel Michael (for anthroposophists, we all know about Michael being promoted to Archai. I have wondered if these New Agers are aware of this or does Michael not really advertise this?)
The woman seems pretty normal and insightful so I don't think she's crazy or delusional but I feel like it is strange to meet people who do have this capacity. After all, Steiner talks about Angels but he talked about how difficult it was to perceive spiritual beings. But maybe now-a-days, it's getting easier to perceive spiritual beings because there are people out there who have these types of experiences.
So I am at this odd point in my spiritual understanding of the world because I theoretically understand the concept of Angels but to actually apply it is another. I have read that we just ask for help and they can. Steiner talks more about visualizing and speaking to them in imagination, although I haven't read if Steiner mentioned communicating verbally to them.
I never really felt like I had spirit guides or angels but maybe I have will to start asking them more for help.
My only problem is that I have also researched the power of the subconscious mind and so I wonder if what manifests as Angels or help, is really just this power of the subconscious mind since what gives the subconscious mind gets strength by just firmly believing in something.
Since I am interested in the philosophy known as anthroposophy, one of the things Steiner discusses is that of a spiritual hierarchy. He talks about the same hierarchy found in the Christian religion, which includes angels, archangels, archai, etc. I found myself open intellectually to these concepts but on a practical level, I had my doubts.
I joined a meetup group called 'Meet your Spirit Guides and Angels' a few months ago and the woman who runs it had been trained by Doreen Virtue's company (or Virtue herself, I don't know). Virtue has some Angel Practioner course and trains people to do readings for people and communicate with people's guides and angels and giving them messages or help with healing.
The woman who runs the group that I go to can see supersensible things and can talk to angels and Archangel Michael (for anthroposophists, we all know about Michael being promoted to Archai. I have wondered if these New Agers are aware of this or does Michael not really advertise this?)
The woman seems pretty normal and insightful so I don't think she's crazy or delusional but I feel like it is strange to meet people who do have this capacity. After all, Steiner talks about Angels but he talked about how difficult it was to perceive spiritual beings. But maybe now-a-days, it's getting easier to perceive spiritual beings because there are people out there who have these types of experiences.
So I am at this odd point in my spiritual understanding of the world because I theoretically understand the concept of Angels but to actually apply it is another. I have read that we just ask for help and they can. Steiner talks more about visualizing and speaking to them in imagination, although I haven't read if Steiner mentioned communicating verbally to them.
I never really felt like I had spirit guides or angels but maybe I have will to start asking them more for help.
My only problem is that I have also researched the power of the subconscious mind and so I wonder if what manifests as Angels or help, is really just this power of the subconscious mind since what gives the subconscious mind gets strength by just firmly believing in something.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Who Says Money Can't Buy Happiness??!!
Greetings and Salutations,
Growing up as a child, I got some decent toys. I enjoyed playing with My Little Ponies and Barbies. I even had a few Transformers. But the toys I always wanted but never got were Lite Brite and a remote controlled car.
I was always a little bit bitter about my childhood because I never got those. Today I decided to buy myself the toys that I never got.
I called up my mother to tell her my purchases and I told her how I always wanted a Lite Bright. She said she didn't even know that. I know that I told her I wanted a Lite Bright one year and so she probably forgot that I asked for it. I think they couldn't afford it or were too lazy to see how much they cost and so probably thought it cost more then what it actually was.
I also bought a Spinning Plate kit from Cirque de Soleil and so my total was $62.74.
I feel good to have boughten myself something I always wanted.
I played with my toys tonight and had some fun, although the Lite Brite uses a black sheet to cover the light and I am not sure if they made it this way back when I was a kid because frankly I think it's poorly designed since I now have to throw out the sheet that I used to make my design and I probably have to buy refill sheets.
My remote car was fun too and it can flip. I haven't figured out how to flip it but it has and I'm not sure if it just does it randomly or if I have to use the remote a certain way. I can only move it forward and backward but when it moves backwards, it rotates in a circle. I might buy myself another one that actually moves left and right.
My inner child is very happy today.
Yes folks, money can and does buy happiness!
This car can flip!!!
And so Jesus proclaimeth on thy remote operated vehicle
Jesus playing on my Lite Brite
Jesus' Lite Brite message
Growing up as a child, I got some decent toys. I enjoyed playing with My Little Ponies and Barbies. I even had a few Transformers. But the toys I always wanted but never got were Lite Brite and a remote controlled car.
I was always a little bit bitter about my childhood because I never got those. Today I decided to buy myself the toys that I never got.
I called up my mother to tell her my purchases and I told her how I always wanted a Lite Bright. She said she didn't even know that. I know that I told her I wanted a Lite Bright one year and so she probably forgot that I asked for it. I think they couldn't afford it or were too lazy to see how much they cost and so probably thought it cost more then what it actually was.
I also bought a Spinning Plate kit from Cirque de Soleil and so my total was $62.74.
I feel good to have boughten myself something I always wanted.
I played with my toys tonight and had some fun, although the Lite Brite uses a black sheet to cover the light and I am not sure if they made it this way back when I was a kid because frankly I think it's poorly designed since I now have to throw out the sheet that I used to make my design and I probably have to buy refill sheets.
My remote car was fun too and it can flip. I haven't figured out how to flip it but it has and I'm not sure if it just does it randomly or if I have to use the remote a certain way. I can only move it forward and backward but when it moves backwards, it rotates in a circle. I might buy myself another one that actually moves left and right.
My inner child is very happy today.
Yes folks, money can and does buy happiness!
This car can flip!!!
And so Jesus proclaimeth on thy remote operated vehicle
Jesus playing on my Lite Brite
Jesus' Lite Brite message
Sunday, December 14, 2008
More Bitching on Relationships
Greetings all,
Thought I'd take a moment to rant about relationships. I haven't had a boyfriend in either 3 or 4 years, although I have been dating people. It's frustrating for me as I want a relationship and have a boyfriend but can't seem to find the right person and I'm not someone who gets a boyfriend just for the sake of having one.
I have one relative who was married for about 5-7 years and they divorced I think either 1.5-2 years ago and he's already been in a relationship and is now living with this person and they have probably been together for over 6 months. I know also of another woman who was divorced and she was probably married for over 7 years and got divorced around 2 years ago and is now on her second relationship.
I guess one could argue that maybe they are jumping in too quickly into a new relationship and haven't learned from their mistakes, or maybe they have learned from their previous relationship and have been lucky.
But who cares?
What about me????
What about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee??? (whiny voice)
I think it's unfair.
You know the expression when God closes the window, another door is opened.
Fuck God, I'm suffocating in here!
Open the god damn window or the door.
Have you forgotten about me???
You closed one window and never opened a door or a window.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Bitch slap God.
I know that it is what it is. So I just have to suck it up and deal with it.
I'm not doing anything wrong so I guess I just have to sit and wait as I am doing all that I can as since I am going out meeting people and making myself available on dating sites but it sucks.
It sucks large!
And whining online is less annoying then whining in real life.
Thought I'd take a moment to rant about relationships. I haven't had a boyfriend in either 3 or 4 years, although I have been dating people. It's frustrating for me as I want a relationship and have a boyfriend but can't seem to find the right person and I'm not someone who gets a boyfriend just for the sake of having one.
I have one relative who was married for about 5-7 years and they divorced I think either 1.5-2 years ago and he's already been in a relationship and is now living with this person and they have probably been together for over 6 months. I know also of another woman who was divorced and she was probably married for over 7 years and got divorced around 2 years ago and is now on her second relationship.
I guess one could argue that maybe they are jumping in too quickly into a new relationship and haven't learned from their mistakes, or maybe they have learned from their previous relationship and have been lucky.
But who cares?
What about me????
What about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee??? (whiny voice)
I think it's unfair.
You know the expression when God closes the window, another door is opened.
Fuck God, I'm suffocating in here!
Open the god damn window or the door.
Have you forgotten about me???
You closed one window and never opened a door or a window.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Bitch slap God.
I know that it is what it is. So I just have to suck it up and deal with it.
I'm not doing anything wrong so I guess I just have to sit and wait as I am doing all that I can as since I am going out meeting people and making myself available on dating sites but it sucks.
It sucks large!
And whining online is less annoying then whining in real life.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Fuck Y'all!
Greetings and Salutations,
Today I felt really weird. Like this morning I felt happy. And I felt happy last night. And then afternoon hits and I want to kill people and am full of anger. I felt irritable but then I would have a moment of feeling happy but that was quickly replaced by my feeling angry and ready to lash out at people.
I had the weirdest dream last night and that was where a gunman was on the loose and I was trying to stay safe. I was hiding out in some underground stairwell with some others then ventured out into some medical building. I figured that I might be safe with these people since they weren't worried about being killed by this crazed gunman.
I researched to see what this dream could mean and this is what I got:
If the gun in the dream is used to hurt or kill you or someone else, please consider your current difficulties, hostile feelings or serious arguments, which you may have within yourself or with others
I think that is true because I was really scared in the dream and trying to avoid getting hurt. I was at a meetup group and we did some intense drumming meditation and since I meditate alot, I figure some more fear issues are coming up to the surface.
I'm just so fucking angry at everything but then I get happy again.
I came home from this meetup only to arrive at home where my roommate leaves a message saying not to leave the lights on while unattended. I finished putting up the tree that afternoon. I was pissed about that. I sometimes wonder how stupid can someone be? I just honestly don't have the patience for stupidity sometimes and just wish I was smart enough to calmly address the stupidity of things.
My parents always had left the lights unattended at my house and we never had a fire. I did some research online and read about how not to overload your outlets or use exposed wiring or leaving them on for a long time. I bought new lights so I didn't think leaving them alone would be a problem. We have a fake tree as well. I checked the packaging and it said an outlet can only handle 300 lights or it will overheat and I bought 50 lights.
My roommate continues to aggravate me. A while ago, I did something silly that greatly upset her and I apologized for it but she does something stupid like bring people over and wake me up from my sleep but doesn't have the maturity to apologize for things.
She's just a damn hypocrite at times. Likes to police people and if someone pisses her off, she demands an apology but can't seem to dish them out either.
She frightens me and something about her always made me feel a little fearful towards her but I try to be rational about things. After all, I'm the one who has the lease in my name. You would think she would be more respectful towards me but I am surprised that she's disrespected me a few times.
Damn it I need more balls to stand up to her. I can't use the excuse that I'm not her mom.
I'm just so full of rage at times. My one friend thought I was laid back. Yes I can be but I try not to lash out at people and so I have lots of repressed anger. I don't want to hurt people just because I'm hurting so I end up keeping it to myself, which isn't healthy. I've been working on it for years now so I am able to express myself calmly but I still have repressed anger that needs to come out.
I keep it in because I know how being angry at people for what seems like no reason can alienate people and I don't want to do that. I sometimes can see that I'm just really trying to protect myself and that deep down I'm just really scared about lots of things
* * *
I get angry that I am still single. I'm fucking awesome. What man in his right man wouldn't want me? I just should not be single. I'm nice enough, smart enough. Damn it I can't use the argument that I'm good looking because I've seen lots of ugly people find someone.
Today I felt really weird. Like this morning I felt happy. And I felt happy last night. And then afternoon hits and I want to kill people and am full of anger. I felt irritable but then I would have a moment of feeling happy but that was quickly replaced by my feeling angry and ready to lash out at people.
I had the weirdest dream last night and that was where a gunman was on the loose and I was trying to stay safe. I was hiding out in some underground stairwell with some others then ventured out into some medical building. I figured that I might be safe with these people since they weren't worried about being killed by this crazed gunman.
I researched to see what this dream could mean and this is what I got:
If the gun in the dream is used to hurt or kill you or someone else, please consider your current difficulties, hostile feelings or serious arguments, which you may have within yourself or with others
I think that is true because I was really scared in the dream and trying to avoid getting hurt. I was at a meetup group and we did some intense drumming meditation and since I meditate alot, I figure some more fear issues are coming up to the surface.
I'm just so fucking angry at everything but then I get happy again.
I came home from this meetup only to arrive at home where my roommate leaves a message saying not to leave the lights on while unattended. I finished putting up the tree that afternoon. I was pissed about that. I sometimes wonder how stupid can someone be? I just honestly don't have the patience for stupidity sometimes and just wish I was smart enough to calmly address the stupidity of things.
My parents always had left the lights unattended at my house and we never had a fire. I did some research online and read about how not to overload your outlets or use exposed wiring or leaving them on for a long time. I bought new lights so I didn't think leaving them alone would be a problem. We have a fake tree as well. I checked the packaging and it said an outlet can only handle 300 lights or it will overheat and I bought 50 lights.
My roommate continues to aggravate me. A while ago, I did something silly that greatly upset her and I apologized for it but she does something stupid like bring people over and wake me up from my sleep but doesn't have the maturity to apologize for things.
She's just a damn hypocrite at times. Likes to police people and if someone pisses her off, she demands an apology but can't seem to dish them out either.
She frightens me and something about her always made me feel a little fearful towards her but I try to be rational about things. After all, I'm the one who has the lease in my name. You would think she would be more respectful towards me but I am surprised that she's disrespected me a few times.
Damn it I need more balls to stand up to her. I can't use the excuse that I'm not her mom.
I'm just so full of rage at times. My one friend thought I was laid back. Yes I can be but I try not to lash out at people and so I have lots of repressed anger. I don't want to hurt people just because I'm hurting so I end up keeping it to myself, which isn't healthy. I've been working on it for years now so I am able to express myself calmly but I still have repressed anger that needs to come out.
I keep it in because I know how being angry at people for what seems like no reason can alienate people and I don't want to do that. I sometimes can see that I'm just really trying to protect myself and that deep down I'm just really scared about lots of things
I get angry that I am still single. I'm fucking awesome. What man in his right man wouldn't want me? I just should not be single. I'm nice enough, smart enough. Damn it I can't use the argument that I'm good looking because I've seen lots of ugly people find someone.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Eminem
Greetings all,
I've been listening to a lot of music by Eminem this past month and a half. I am enjoying the anger as well in his songs and find it entertaining. I also find some of his lyrics intriguing. The funny thing is I dated a guy back when I was 23 and he was 27. He was laid off from his job (parallel 1: like I am right now) and he had ambitions to be a writer (parallel 2: I write and have ambitions to be a comedian) and then on one of our dates he bought an Eminem CD and started listening heavily to him (parallel 3: much like what I am doing now) and then one day he went all weird and distant on me after being totally into me and even having me have dinner with him and his grandma. Then I got dumped. It's too bad I just don't have a boyfriend that I can be all weird and distant towards and then break his heart by abruptly dumping him.
Too many parallels!
I've been listening to a lot of music by Eminem this past month and a half. I am enjoying the anger as well in his songs and find it entertaining. I also find some of his lyrics intriguing. The funny thing is I dated a guy back when I was 23 and he was 27. He was laid off from his job (parallel 1: like I am right now) and he had ambitions to be a writer (parallel 2: I write and have ambitions to be a comedian) and then on one of our dates he bought an Eminem CD and started listening heavily to him (parallel 3: much like what I am doing now) and then one day he went all weird and distant on me after being totally into me and even having me have dinner with him and his grandma. Then I got dumped. It's too bad I just don't have a boyfriend that I can be all weird and distant towards and then break his heart by abruptly dumping him.
Too many parallels!
Sacrifice
Greetings and Salutations,
I was talking the other day with my friend about raising children and she was saying that if you are to be a good parent, you are to make sacrifices and not be selfish. I argued that it's important if you are a parent to also take care of your self and nurture yourself emotionally and mentally, otherwise you will never be a good parent. You will snap. You will get angry. You will not be in control of your children unless you are in control of yourself. I don't believe in putting children first. I think if you always put yourself first, you'll naturally be able to handle the challenges life and your children throws at you.
My friend may think that is selfish but I don't. I know that children pick up lots of behaviours from their parents unconsciously and parents teach (or not teach in many cases) their children things unconsciously as well. Whether you learn to get angry over little things or you choose to calmly deal with things, largely the way a parent handles adversity and their personality and attitude has a direct influence on their children, whether they intend to or not.
So that is why I argue that a good parent always makes sure they take care of themselves and ensure that they eat, sleep, socialize, get mental and emotional stimulation and whatever else that helps to keep them healthy. A parent may not get 100% of their needs met, but I think it's important that they do their best.
Many people argue that parenting also requires sacrifice. I don't believe in that word and therefore do not use it. I think anyone who is thinking about having children should realize that it is a large responsibility. Many people don't even realize that even after they become parents. As far as I am concerned, if you want to raise mentally and emotionally healthy children, there are certain techniques that you need to implement for your children and for yourself as you cannot lead if you yourself are a poor example to your children.
One example I can cite is my friend had new neighbors move in and they happen to sell pot. They are vile people and have one daughter. They all smoke up at home. The daughter is only 13 and they let her 'boyfriend' sleep over and she cusses up quite a storm. Would she get away with this behaviour if her parents were more stable? Probably not.
I don't see raising children as making a sacrifice. I see that as doing what it takes to get the job done - no matter how challenging your children may be to you, as many times the problems your children create may be due to a weakness within the parent. We all have to decide what are our priorities and goals are and focus our minds on achieving those aims. That is why I don't believe in the concept of sacrifice because what I see in reality is doing the work that needs to be done to achieve the aims you desire. You get rid of what doesn't work and keep what works.
Although my friend said I probably wouldn't make a good mother, she has yet to see what I am like with children and so I am confident in my ability to raise children, when the time is right. Mental preparation is the key to achieving anything and being conscious of what kind of parent you want to be and what kind of children you want to raise will help to keep you aligned when things get out of line and tough and when you lose your focus.
I was talking the other day with my friend about raising children and she was saying that if you are to be a good parent, you are to make sacrifices and not be selfish. I argued that it's important if you are a parent to also take care of your self and nurture yourself emotionally and mentally, otherwise you will never be a good parent. You will snap. You will get angry. You will not be in control of your children unless you are in control of yourself. I don't believe in putting children first. I think if you always put yourself first, you'll naturally be able to handle the challenges life and your children throws at you.
My friend may think that is selfish but I don't. I know that children pick up lots of behaviours from their parents unconsciously and parents teach (or not teach in many cases) their children things unconsciously as well. Whether you learn to get angry over little things or you choose to calmly deal with things, largely the way a parent handles adversity and their personality and attitude has a direct influence on their children, whether they intend to or not.
So that is why I argue that a good parent always makes sure they take care of themselves and ensure that they eat, sleep, socialize, get mental and emotional stimulation and whatever else that helps to keep them healthy. A parent may not get 100% of their needs met, but I think it's important that they do their best.
Many people argue that parenting also requires sacrifice. I don't believe in that word and therefore do not use it. I think anyone who is thinking about having children should realize that it is a large responsibility. Many people don't even realize that even after they become parents. As far as I am concerned, if you want to raise mentally and emotionally healthy children, there are certain techniques that you need to implement for your children and for yourself as you cannot lead if you yourself are a poor example to your children.
One example I can cite is my friend had new neighbors move in and they happen to sell pot. They are vile people and have one daughter. They all smoke up at home. The daughter is only 13 and they let her 'boyfriend' sleep over and she cusses up quite a storm. Would she get away with this behaviour if her parents were more stable? Probably not.
I don't see raising children as making a sacrifice. I see that as doing what it takes to get the job done - no matter how challenging your children may be to you, as many times the problems your children create may be due to a weakness within the parent. We all have to decide what are our priorities and goals are and focus our minds on achieving those aims. That is why I don't believe in the concept of sacrifice because what I see in reality is doing the work that needs to be done to achieve the aims you desire. You get rid of what doesn't work and keep what works.
Although my friend said I probably wouldn't make a good mother, she has yet to see what I am like with children and so I am confident in my ability to raise children, when the time is right. Mental preparation is the key to achieving anything and being conscious of what kind of parent you want to be and what kind of children you want to raise will help to keep you aligned when things get out of line and tough and when you lose your focus.
Friday, December 05, 2008
The Heat is On
Greetings all,
I haven't been blogging for a while but there is much to report. I actually sent the English Muffin (aka Daniel) a message back in the middle of October and I actually heard back from him a couple of weeks after I sent it so we are talking again. Although recently I had to tell him that I will be keeping my messaging to a minimum as I find it cold and impersonal to get to know someone that way. I'm also still dating others and I am mostly meeting guys online and so I am keeping the time I spend messaging them to a minimum and this new rule I implemented for myself is going across the board. Besides I would rather talk on the phone and then meet for a date. Some guys I've been messaging for over a month and by that point I feel you should be chatting on the phone. I have no problem taking things slow but the phone is my preferred method of communication. Some guys also want to talk to you right away but I feel there must be a balance as I am looking to see if a guy is normal in the beginning and usually after exchanging a few conversational messages, you can tell and that usually takes around 3-5 messages.
I started reading books on relationships back in July and have modified some of my strategies and behaviours. One idea I've learned about it to wait until you get a commitment to be exclusive before you have sex as having sex early can bond you prematurely and is more harmful to women due to the chemical oxytocin, which increases during sex.
Another thing I learned is to give men space to process things and to not chase after them. I think in our culture, this is a lost art because we women are now expected to be go getters and sometimes I would apply this to the men I was interested and 'hunt' them but this works against women in the long run.
I am also dating around since I am shopping for a boyfriend. Since it is easy for a woman to bond to men and sometimes bond prematurely, she is better off dating multiple men until one decides he wants exclusivity and dating multiple guys keeps her from getting too focused on one prematurely.
I find dating discouraging at times and this process of finding someone is frustrating but I try to make the most of what seems like a bad situation. Some day soon some man will realize how wonderful and awesome I am and will want me all to himself. Until then, my loyalty is to myself and to no man.
I really wish I learned this kind of stuff earlier because I probably would have been smarter about how I behaved towards men I was interested in.
* * *
My roommate has been getting on my nerves again. On Monday she had the nerve to phone me at home while I was sleeping at 1.19 in the morning. She went out to a local hockey game run by some friends and she brought her new co-worker friend with her. She said on the phone that she was bringing a bunch of single guys from the hockey game and she wanted me to come out and socialize. I was not in the mood because I was tired and I didn't want to have to go through the hassle of getting dressed. As much as I enjoy socializing with single men, I do not want to at 1 in the morning.
I was quite upset and the next day I told her I was not impressed. She was getting sick so I never really had the chance to tell her how disrespectful it was to do that. I will be telling her tomorrow hopefully as she's been sick these past few days and I haven't seen her much.
She justified her actions by saying 'well at least I phoned'.
Childish and lame!
Anyways, I have been thinking of moving to Toronto and my friend and I will be looking tomorrow. I haven't told my roommate but probably will tomorrow. She has been starting to behave disrespectfully towards me and not being considerate when inviting people over and frankly I find her behaviour to be rather immature and lame.
I also wanted to mention that at some point she and her co-worker were yelling at these guys and saying how labeling men as dogs is an insult to dogs since dogs are loyal. I don't think the men stayed that long and I think their rudeness towards them was probably why they left early. I don't know if they were drunk but I would be offended if I were a guy.
So there is definitely some motivation to get out of here, although she is not the only reason why I want to move. It saddens me that things have been going downhill with her and that she's been starting to get way too out of control. I can't blame myself for her behaviour as I've always been a fair, accommodating and respectful roommate and things have gotten ugly because she is immature and unable to handle things and treat people like an adult and with respect.
A few weeks ago as well she had a couple of other people over and I went to bed at 11. This was a Friday and I was staying in as I was sick all week and although I was healthy, I didn't want to go out. She had the music on loud in her room and I had a hard time sleeping. I messaged her to lower the music as the last time I told her to keep the music down was at her party and she gave me attitude and I didn't want to be embarrassed like that again in front of her friends.
Honestly she needs to live on her own because she isn't courteous enough towards the people she lives with and she seems difficult to please at times.
I haven't been blogging for a while but there is much to report. I actually sent the English Muffin (aka Daniel) a message back in the middle of October and I actually heard back from him a couple of weeks after I sent it so we are talking again. Although recently I had to tell him that I will be keeping my messaging to a minimum as I find it cold and impersonal to get to know someone that way. I'm also still dating others and I am mostly meeting guys online and so I am keeping the time I spend messaging them to a minimum and this new rule I implemented for myself is going across the board. Besides I would rather talk on the phone and then meet for a date. Some guys I've been messaging for over a month and by that point I feel you should be chatting on the phone. I have no problem taking things slow but the phone is my preferred method of communication. Some guys also want to talk to you right away but I feel there must be a balance as I am looking to see if a guy is normal in the beginning and usually after exchanging a few conversational messages, you can tell and that usually takes around 3-5 messages.
I started reading books on relationships back in July and have modified some of my strategies and behaviours. One idea I've learned about it to wait until you get a commitment to be exclusive before you have sex as having sex early can bond you prematurely and is more harmful to women due to the chemical oxytocin, which increases during sex.
Another thing I learned is to give men space to process things and to not chase after them. I think in our culture, this is a lost art because we women are now expected to be go getters and sometimes I would apply this to the men I was interested and 'hunt' them but this works against women in the long run.
I am also dating around since I am shopping for a boyfriend. Since it is easy for a woman to bond to men and sometimes bond prematurely, she is better off dating multiple men until one decides he wants exclusivity and dating multiple guys keeps her from getting too focused on one prematurely.
I find dating discouraging at times and this process of finding someone is frustrating but I try to make the most of what seems like a bad situation. Some day soon some man will realize how wonderful and awesome I am and will want me all to himself. Until then, my loyalty is to myself and to no man.
I really wish I learned this kind of stuff earlier because I probably would have been smarter about how I behaved towards men I was interested in.
My roommate has been getting on my nerves again. On Monday she had the nerve to phone me at home while I was sleeping at 1.19 in the morning. She went out to a local hockey game run by some friends and she brought her new co-worker friend with her. She said on the phone that she was bringing a bunch of single guys from the hockey game and she wanted me to come out and socialize. I was not in the mood because I was tired and I didn't want to have to go through the hassle of getting dressed. As much as I enjoy socializing with single men, I do not want to at 1 in the morning.
I was quite upset and the next day I told her I was not impressed. She was getting sick so I never really had the chance to tell her how disrespectful it was to do that. I will be telling her tomorrow hopefully as she's been sick these past few days and I haven't seen her much.
She justified her actions by saying 'well at least I phoned'.
Childish and lame!
Anyways, I have been thinking of moving to Toronto and my friend and I will be looking tomorrow. I haven't told my roommate but probably will tomorrow. She has been starting to behave disrespectfully towards me and not being considerate when inviting people over and frankly I find her behaviour to be rather immature and lame.
I also wanted to mention that at some point she and her co-worker were yelling at these guys and saying how labeling men as dogs is an insult to dogs since dogs are loyal. I don't think the men stayed that long and I think their rudeness towards them was probably why they left early. I don't know if they were drunk but I would be offended if I were a guy.
So there is definitely some motivation to get out of here, although she is not the only reason why I want to move. It saddens me that things have been going downhill with her and that she's been starting to get way too out of control. I can't blame myself for her behaviour as I've always been a fair, accommodating and respectful roommate and things have gotten ugly because she is immature and unable to handle things and treat people like an adult and with respect.
A few weeks ago as well she had a couple of other people over and I went to bed at 11. This was a Friday and I was staying in as I was sick all week and although I was healthy, I didn't want to go out. She had the music on loud in her room and I had a hard time sleeping. I messaged her to lower the music as the last time I told her to keep the music down was at her party and she gave me attitude and I didn't want to be embarrassed like that again in front of her friends.
Honestly she needs to live on her own because she isn't courteous enough towards the people she lives with and she seems difficult to please at times.
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