Today I felt really weird. Like this morning I felt happy. And I felt happy last night. And then afternoon hits and I want to kill people and am full of anger. I felt irritable but then I would have a moment of feeling happy but that was quickly replaced by my feeling angry and ready to lash out at people.
I had the weirdest dream last night and that was where a gunman was on the loose and I was trying to stay safe. I was hiding out in some underground stairwell with some others then ventured out into some medical building. I figured that I might be safe with these people since they weren't worried about being killed by this crazed gunman.
I researched to see what this dream could mean and this is what I got:
If the gun in the dream is used to hurt or kill you or someone else, please consider your current difficulties, hostile feelings or serious arguments, which you may have within yourself or with others
I think that is true because I was really scared in the dream and trying to avoid getting hurt. I was at a meetup group and we did some intense drumming meditation and since I meditate alot, I figure some more fear issues are coming up to the surface.
I'm just so fucking angry at everything but then I get happy again.
I came home from this meetup only to arrive at home where my roommate leaves a message saying not to leave the lights on while unattended. I finished putting up the tree that afternoon. I was pissed about that. I sometimes wonder how stupid can someone be? I just honestly don't have the patience for stupidity sometimes and just wish I was smart enough to calmly address the stupidity of things.
My parents always had left the lights unattended at my house and we never had a fire. I did some research online and read about how not to overload your outlets or use exposed wiring or leaving them on for a long time. I bought new lights so I didn't think leaving them alone would be a problem. We have a fake tree as well. I checked the packaging and it said an outlet can only handle 300 lights or it will overheat and I bought 50 lights.
My roommate continues to aggravate me. A while ago, I did something silly that greatly upset her and I apologized for it but she does something stupid like bring people over and wake me up from my sleep but doesn't have the maturity to apologize for things.
She's just a damn hypocrite at times. Likes to police people and if someone pisses her off, she demands an apology but can't seem to dish them out either.
She frightens me and something about her always made me feel a little fearful towards her but I try to be rational about things. After all, I'm the one who has the lease in my name. You would think she would be more respectful towards me but I am surprised that she's disrespected me a few times.
Damn it I need more balls to stand up to her. I can't use the excuse that I'm not her mom.
I'm just so full of rage at times. My one friend thought I was laid back. Yes I can be but I try not to lash out at people and so I have lots of repressed anger. I don't want to hurt people just because I'm hurting so I end up keeping it to myself, which isn't healthy. I've been working on it for years now so I am able to express myself calmly but I still have repressed anger that needs to come out.
I keep it in because I know how being angry at people for what seems like no reason can alienate people and I don't want to do that. I sometimes can see that I'm just really trying to protect myself and that deep down I'm just really scared about lots of things
I get angry that I am still single. I'm fucking awesome. What man in his right man wouldn't want me? I just should not be single. I'm nice enough, smart enough. Damn it I can't use the argument that I'm good looking because I've seen lots of ugly people find someone.
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