The Pristine One

Greetings all,

I went out for karaoke with one of my meetup groups and I was the only female for some reason, which normally does not happen. Four of the guys were already married and divorced and the other 2 I think were not.

So some of them did not have healthy relationships and then it reminded me how I'm still 'pristine' in a sense since I've never been married and don't have children. I don't carry around that kind of baggage so in a sense I'm 'pristine' and in some way more valuable.

Sometimes it feels like, where are the pristine men out there? There's gotta be some normal and healthy ones that have never been married without all that emotional baggage.

I know I really wouldn't want to get involved with a man that has kids already and then I'd have to deal with an ex wife. Some women are crazy and don't train their kids properly. And then where would I fit in? I want to be the ruler of my house and if I live with someone else's kids, they play by my rules and not some other women's! I don't want to feel like i have to 'please her'. I don't bow to the pussy!

I was telling a couple of my male coworkers that if I were to be living and married with a man, my happiness has to be #1 and I get the final say in things. With my last roommate, I felt like I had to bend too much with her and she wasn't really compromising with me about things. I could only take so much of that BS before I snapped and so if I were to live with a man, I don't want someone whom I'm always letting him have things his way. I think though, I can make solutions that both parties are happy with so that is probably more what I am interested in. I am fussy about certain things but that's probably because I'm a female and I guess we can get away with being fussy about certain things. I certainly do not want to live with someone who is selfish like my ex roommate because it's selfish people who don't care about your feelings and create problems.

In a way, I could relate to them because I used to live with a bitch and I could relate to their frustration with women, especially since my crazy ex roommate was female. It always surprises me to hear horror stories about some women because I can't imagine being like that. Yes I have said mean things or lashed out in frustration to people but I try and learn from my mistakes and I genuinely want to be a good person. But some people are just rotten and don't seem to have any self awareness or awareness of how it affects people negatively. You can't be mean to people and think they will like you and do what you ask them to! Relationships are 2-way streets, not one way! You scratch my back, I scratch yours. You can't expect that your back gets the scratching all the time! But it still amazes me that people don't get that concept. I like my ego stroked but I know that's something everyone wants. We all want to feel special and important so I have to 'bow' to other people's egos if I want them to bow to mine.

Anyways, some of these men were saying what were some of their issues in the relationships but we women are not all that dysfunctional. As well, if a relationship dissolves, you have to ask yourself what role did you play in it? Were you not expressing your needs and being assertive? Are you not setting appropriate boundaries?

Some men just bend too much and give too much. You should want to be with a woman that can take care of herself. You can't give and not have her reciprocate. That's too one sided. I think you have to find the lesson with these people. I can say at least with my ex roommate, she was selfish and if you spot someone who is selfish, avoid them as best you can. I probably should have ended things with her sooner. It's hard to assert yourself when dealing with selfish people because they just don't listen but you've got to figure out what works according to the situation. They have to follow rules you set otherwise cut 'em loose!

Shower: Part 2

Greetings all,

I neglected to mention another thought I had while at the shower on Sunday.

One of the games they had us do was guess when the couple will have their first child and what names should they give them. I chose not to play that but in my head I was thinking (is this the comic in me or the intuitive mind reader?) she'll miscarry her first.

(yes that is a cruel thought but you know there are people out there who do miscarry and it can happen!)

I guess maybe it was good that I didn't play that game!

Shower

Greetings all,

I went to a shower for a second cousin's future wife. I don't know her, so really I didn't care to go to this. But being that I am Italian, these people run these things in a traditional manner and it's pretty much all I've been accustomed to. I think I've only been once to a non-Italian wedding and I believe they had a stag and doe, so I don't know how women normally run a shower.

This event was just too much and too long. We got to eat at a nice hall. The food was good for the most part but they draw it out and a 3 course meal got spread out in about 2 and a half hours. Normally they organize these really lame bridal games where they hand out prizes but they didn't really have too many going and there was quite a lull in between the meals.

I got to win a prize, which was a giant candle. I hate candles and offered it to people at my table. No one liked the smell of it so I thought I'd donate it to good will but then I thought, what if I just 'forget' it there? Which is what I did.

As well, it's traditional to give 'bomboniera' which translates in Italian to a wedding gift. The gift was a cup and saucer. I recently did some spring cleaning in my apartment so I got rid of stuff I don't use. I actually got rid of a tea cup set I got at my second cousin's wedding and it was still wrapped up. I have no use for because I don't drink espresso or anything like that at my place. So I had to not accept the gift in the beginning they were giving out.

I feel guilty because these events are so extravagent and all I do is complain about it. But really, I would never organize a shower like this. The structure is horrible and frankly I think these italian women in my family need to get creative and stop following tradition. We have so much in this culture. Why are we giving gifts to people that don't need it and it just creates clutter in their life. Why do we get subjected to these lame games and win these useless, tacky prizes? I'm just saying No to these poor, unconscious celebrations people organize. It's so meaningless. I'd rather eat a quick meal and then socialize with the people instead of being chained to a 3 hour meal.(a la Gilligan's Island) A 3 hour meal.

I go to these things because I want to connect with people and that only seems to happen with the people you are sitting with. And I'm not inclined to go table to table to meet people I don't know.

Anyways, I'm just glad there probably won't be any family weddings for a while.

The thing I am a bit suspicious of is that the relative that is getting married is the youngest of 3 brothers. His middle brother was the first to get married. He married his high school sweetheart and they ended up getting divorced because she went to school and fell in love with one of her classmates. The sad thing was he got married at 24, which is way too young to get married nowadays and his brother who is getting married in May will be 26 and is marrying his highschool sweetheart as well.

I know with the last marriage, I think the girl just wanted to organize a wedding - so many girls fall in love with this fantasy of marriage and don't actually realize what it really means. It's about building a future with someone. I am now wondering the same thing with this wedding. I am always skeptical of people that get married and they are that young and don't have much life experience. They don't really know what they want out of life. They just think they do. Then they get a bit more life experience under their belt and then realize they weren't the person who they thought they were.

Well, I don't know how things will work out so I'm not too concerned. I just think it would be ironic if the same thing happened again.

I think I'm a bit bitter as well since they already have a house and are getting married and are 5 years younger then me. But then I can always rationalize how much more of an exciting life I've lived, but then I can rationalize to myself how that I've been alone for that 'excitement'. Anyways, it's a bit of a drag to go to these things, I guess because I'm insecure about this part of my life.

The Road to Enlightenment

Greetings all,

One of the concepts that has always stuck on my mind was in How to Know Higher Worlds by Rudolf Steiner, was his imagery if we are on a spiritual path, we will hit a fork in the road and we will have to choose between the black path, which is egoism, and the white path, which is the good path and path of creativity and love. I have mentioned before that the root of all evil boils down to egoism or selfishness and in Steiner's lecture book called Evil, he mentions this concept. Frequently people will say money is the root of all evil but it isn't. Saying that hides the truth that it's egoism and selfishness. People can be responsible with their power but there must be proper structures to keep people's egos in check and to keep people accountable. It can happen to us all because part of being human means having an ego. No one is exempt from this.

One of the things as well that I have read about is the Buddhist concept of a Bodhisattva, where a Bodhisattva chooses to attain enlightenment for helping all humans liberate. There are many variations on this concept. For example in Mahayana Buddhism, some groups believe that a Bodhisattva can achieve this through several paths and they are: (this is from wiki. buddhahood means one who has attained full enlightenment)

1. King-like Bodhisattva - one who aspires to become buddha as soon as possible and then help sentient beings in full fledge;
2. Boatman-like Bodhisattva - one who aspires to achieve buddhahood along with other sentient beings and
3. Shepherd-like Bodhisattva - one who aspires to delay buddhahood until all other sentient beings achieve buddhahood.

This Bodhisattva concept relates to Steiner's concept of the choosing the black or white path. In essence, choosing the black path means you are still driven by ego and thus are not ready for enlightenment. The key concept Steiner points out is that due to the way the ego is made up and its nature, if it is allowed to be in charge, then that will lead to its own destruction. So basically when people act egotistically, they are creating karma that will lead to their own fall and will hurt them in the long run.

Being that humans have a dual nature, we need to use our ego for positive things as Steiner has mentioned that ascending in the spiritual world requires ego but at the same time you must forget and 'lose' your ego.

I have been going to a yoga ashram in Toronto as they hold a few monthly meditations. I went to a few and I have been to a full moon meditation a couple of times. I think when I went for a second time, there was a different person running it and I think he was the 'sub' for it, I am not sure.

I'm not sure how hard core yogi he was but usually people will chant in a group and direct it to help their loved ones or for the world in general. I thought he was a bit flaky but it was my first time being around him and sometimes I just don't like people right away because I only see a piece of their personality so it might take a bit to get an overall better sense of their personality.

We wanted to send some positive, healing energy for the earth and he mentioned that because he was a vegetarian and relied on public transportation, he wasn't really contributing to the problem. The way I saw that statement was that he wasn't concerned about this issue and only seemed concerned that since he's not really 'the problem'. I mean, it doesn't matter if you are vegetarian or not. It's great that an individual makes choices that are positive but in the long run, it is short sighted because the environment issue is much more bigger then that and just because you may not be directly involved in this problem, doesn't mean in some indirect way you may not be. In other words, his statement I felt was not enlightened nor compassionate.

It's a political issue. It's an economic issue. We all have to do our part and some of us may make bigger contributions like tackling big business. Some of us may only look at our own consumerism and reduce what garbage we produce. There's just so many things to be done and it will take time but to have some airy fairy idea that well because I don't have a car and eat vegetables, I'm not part of the problem is quite ignorant.

So obviously this relates to what I was mentioning earlier because if we are on a spiritual path then really we need to acknowledge that we are always choosing what path we are on. You are either choosing things that hurt you in the long run or choose things that are good for you in the long run. I just don't think this meditation leader was enlightened enough and needs to revise his mental concepts.

Cleaning

Greetings all,

I used to be really diligent in cleaning my room when I was a child. I would clean it every week and on occasion, I would move my furniture around. I really enjoyed pushing my furniture and how different my room felt when I moved things around.

My mother didn't tell me to clean every week. Or maybe she did. Once. But it was something I think I did out of my own free will.

And then when I became a teenager, it was harder to clean my room and I just didn't care anymore. I was struggling to find my place in the world and figuring out who I was.

Obviously, as you get older you accumulate more stuff and I think by the time I moved out when I was 28, I think my space felt cleaner since it was spread out more. My bedroom now just had my bed, instead of my bookshelf and desk.

But believe me, my place still gets messy. I find though, my desk area tends to get the messiest as well as my dresser. I am so lazy, I don't even bother putting my clothes back in the closet. I put away most of my clothes that were on my dresser today. My dresser is about 1 foot away from my closet. My bedroom is really small and is half the size of my old apartment so when I open my closet door, if I try to open it all the way, I would hit my dresser.

I make it a point to clean my apartment once a month and I think the last time I cleaned it was 2 or 3 weeks ago.

I really need a husband because I think maybe I'd keep my bedroom area neater. At least when I had a roommate, I'd keep the common areas fairly tidy but usually I kept my bedroom a mess and never really bothered cleaning it too often

Damn you cruel world!

Greetings all,

Today is Family Day, which is a holiday for us in Ontario so I am organizing my apartment and cleaning up. I had my show at Yuk's and it was a full crowd, so probably around 200 people. They were running a competition to win $25000. As much as I would like to win that money, I was more interested in getting hired on since it would be a good stepping stone. I know in the long run, to be successful, you will have to break out from a circuit and do your own thing but certainly starting with that company is a good place.

Anyways, 2 comics got to advance to the next round and sadly I didn't get to advance. I was the only female (the host was female) and there were about 9 of us all together. I think I was the best one out of them and I should have gotten a spot, so I was quite mad this morning. I was wondering if I was being discriminated because I was a female and maybe they didn't want to pick me because it would look like they were picking me because I was female. But clearly I had talent as I wanted to tell my last joke but didn't have time and so some of the audience members were sighing since they obviously wanted to hear more.

I think maybe because of that, maybe the judges thought I didn't end well as you should always end on a winning joke. Anyways, I've recovered from my bitter loss and I will have to keep plugging away and figuring out myself because I have too much talent and it isn't right if I slave away at a meaningless job. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this but that's not necessarily a bad thing because I think I do have the strength to persevere and succeed.

I do hate Teachers!

Greetings all,

I was having some discussions with a couple of coworkers at lunch and somehow we got onto the topic of teachers. I can tell you that I have a bias against the teaching profession and basically think the majority of them are spoiled brats.

First of all, I have a godfather who used to be a teacher and had a car accident so had to go on disability. I think if he were a teacher of mine, I'd probably like him. I've probably had a few teachers in my life that I liked.

The reason I have a bias against them is multi-fold. First of all, I know some people try and get into that profession out of unpure motives and not because they genuinely want to teach and educate young people. I can think of a couple of former coworkers of mine who I felt should not be teachers. Mind you, they wanted to be teachers and were in school. They weren't at the stage where they could go into teaching so maybe they would realize teaching is not for them. I felt they were a bit irresponsible and I know one coworker was the type to shirk responsibility.

Again, I guess since they weren't real teachers, that does not count.

Another thing I don't like is that they go on strike and complain about that they don't make enough money. Frankly, I don't know what profession in the world gives you summer off, 2 weeks off of Christmas, March break and all the other holidays every one else gets. As well they get sick days. I think probably the initial year or two of teaching is a challenge but once you know what you are doing and how to properly organize your time. As well, they don't have to work a full day, whereas a student for most of their time in high school, does not get a break until I think grade 11 or 12 (I went to a Catholic school where we had Grade 13, I know they got rid of grade 13 a few years later)

The way I see it, if you don't like your job, don't be in it. Stop complaining and spreading your misery around!

The other thing I don't respect about teachers is that well.. they just teach. They don't really know the demands or reality of the work world today. Most of them are only familiar with the world of education because most teachers go to elementary, high school, university and into teaching. The only experience they have with the real world is if they take a summer job while in school. I think I had a computer teacher that had some real world experience. I think it should be mandatory for teachers!

As well, I feel that the education that gets forced upon us, is mostly useless stuff. We never really learn real stuff and stuff that can help us as human beings. I think I like the school system of Waldorf, but I have not experienced it but since I am into Anthroposophy, I like the philosophy behind the school.

As well, I think some teachers just aren't creative and are just dead inside in the sense they don't teach us how to teach ourselves and to get to the root and concept of what we are learning. We never seem to get the big picture of things.

Anyways, I probably have more hatred to spew towards teachers and the system in general. I really wonder if they do any real work in this world because sometimes I just don't think they are doing much. But then, we can't attribute all social grievances on them.

I do like to point that I am aware of my hatred for them and perhaps in time, I will let go of my disgust towards this profession

Youth Initiatives

Greetings all,

One of the things that some people in my new book group are organizing is some sort of initiatives young anthroposophists can do. We had a meeting a couple of weeks ago and today had another one. Being that I am an introvert, the meeting was from noon to 4.30pm and was way too draining for me. I am one of these people that can't stand being with people where we spend long hours talking. I like talking to some degree but any sort of meeting for more then 2 hours is just too much and it starts making me turn sour. I need my time to think!

As well, I don't really consider myself a young anthroposophist. The group is for those 16-35 and I'm 31. I don't consider myself young anymore. I am not too sure if I'll be able to make much of a contribution to this group and I'm not sure what initiatives we potentially can work on. The thing is, I don't want to invest too much of my time. I don't want this to get in my way for my plans of global domination!

I've always wanted to do something practical with anthroposophy. I am doing my you tube videos on Philosophy of Freedom, so that is something. I'm just not sure if this is the right time for me. I need to focus on my career and as a creative performer. I am slow in getting things done and I don't want to spread myself too thin.

As well I'm in my practical phase of life. I don't want to waste too much time trying to change the world, which is a common impulse youth feel. While I think that impulse has it's place, sometimes I think it's easier to change yourself and that is what I am focusing on since I have had an active kundalini yoga and meditation practice.

I know when I was in my early 20s, I wanted to change the world, shake things up. I think as you grow older, you learn how difficult it is to change things and so you learn to adapt more realistic concepts of what can change and what cannot. So I shun lofty ideals to some degree. (I don't know why I still want global domination though, that is some form of a lofty ideal).

I think that's one thing I've struggled with in my 20s is where does the practical side of Anthroposophy fit into my life. I mean, maybe for my karmic purposes, reading it and discussing ideas is enough for me to get the spiritual nourishment that I need.

Anyways, another thing I am thinking about is that I think people don't get this concept of 3-folding. I think maybe they think we have to overhaul current society to follow it but I think it's much more simpler then people envision it. I think because it requires some creative thinking and finding out ways in which we are not keeping these spheres separate is what needs to be done. I think what makes it challenging is for people's own individual impulses can guide them to help create some sort of change.

As well, I think society does have some sense of this concept on an instinctive level.

For me, I am interested probably in human rights and economic issues. That may be something I will be more inclined to tackle in my late 40s or 50s as I do also want to get married and have children in the next few years

Is This Evolving?

Greetings all,

I have noticed, thanks to my daily meditation practice, that I just don't get angry or irritated by things as much. But on some level it freaks me out a bit as I wonder if it means that I'm evolving or becoming more passive. I think becoming a passive individual would freak me out too much but I guess it is a good thing to not have things get you riled up all the time.

I guess meditating makes you accept things but I don't think accepting things means you're being passive. I think it's a good thing to accept things because then you can do something constructive or tune it out altogether. But that's why it can become a freaky experience to relax and let go of thoughts and feelings that don't serve you anymore and to accept them, even though they may be painful and ugly.