Time to Say Good Bye!

Greetings all,

I have been mulling this over in my mind for a while now. I have not been doing stand up comedy very often these past few months, mainly because this year I was stressed about not having work and focusing on that. Once I found a job, I wasn't really doing much shows.

I decided officially it's time to say goodbye to stand up and to improv. I have met many interesting and funny people but I just don't think I have what it takes to become professional, which was something I was hoping for.

A few years ago I kept seeing myself on stage, alone and it took me months before I found the courage to try stand up again. I did stand up at my high school talent show and had a hard time with it, even though I did well. I began doing improv and loved it and it helped me to gain confidence as a performer.

For whatever reason, I just feel like I just don't have what it takes. I realize it takes dedication to become at the level I had envisioned myself at and frankly I just don't think I have that dedication. I don't know if I ever will. I thought comedy was a lover I was devoted to but my experience has made me think otherwise. I am very dedicated to my kundalini yoga and meditation practice so I know I have a capacity for commitment and discipline but right now I cannot devote that attention to it as it was quite hard for me. Some days it's hard and I just think it's time to move on. Maybe in a few years time I'll want to try it again but I have lost all motivation to perform and I'm okay with that.

I have always felt conflicted as a stand up person mainly because improv is my background. I liked being spontaneous in improv but liked that in stand up I could express my own ideas and opinions. Stand up obviously requires good writing skills and an ability to stick to some routine, which for me was hard. I could not reconcile within myself these two components of my personality that I have - the spontaneous performer versus the writing stand up performer. Improv gaves me a certain satisfaction that stand up doesn't provide and vice versa, mainly because they are different forms.

I do believe that if something were meant to happen it will and right now my motivation is not there and I'm okay with that. I have other things that I want to focus my attention on. Comedy, whether through improv, humour columns or stand up has always been a part of my life. It will be sad to not have this in my life but that's how it goes.

Stand up seems very individual driven and I do like that to some degree as that's why I wanted to go back to it after many years of improv experience. It also seems like a hostile environment for women, although there has been a movement towards having more women involved as I took a few workshops just for female performers.

I think I as well had challenges connecting with my audience and rejection is difficult to accept on a regular basis. I don't think I was unfunny but at times I felt like people just didn't get it. I guess this is what doing open mics can do to you because the occasional shows that I did that had a more positive audience and not filled with other comics I felt good about.

Maybe I am an open mic burnout or just had enough of stand up? Who knows but I am done with it in my mind and we'll see if I ever feel drawn to perform again. I do tend to follow my intuition so maybe this is a blessing for me and to take a step back and refocus my priorities.