Need vs Want

Greetings all,

I was trying to have this discussion with my male friend about needing a relationship and wanting a relationship. We have a mutual friend, which I have mentioned in a previous post, that I think always has a need to be with a man as I think she is desperate on an emotional level. He seems to think what she is doing is okay because she is lonely. I probably know this person more then the male friend I was having this discussion. I know that she's not doing her inner work, she's done some but obviously there is more to do. I just know from a few conversations that she is looking for happiness in a man and the reality is, that will never happen because it's not the way reality works.

I know I obviously can't make someone wake up to the mistakes they are making and it's something they can change when they are ready and willing to change. I'm optimistic that she can learn her lessons when it comes to relationships. She might learn the lessons this year or 5 years. Who knows but if one is wanting a meaningful relationship, they are going to have to do some real inner work and soul searching to get to that place.

My friend whom I was talking about this female friend, just doesn't get the concept. He seems to think her needing a man is okay. I want a boyfriend. I don't need a boyfriend. I feel fine emotionally and don't seek a man to fill an emotional void. There's nothing wrong with wanting a man. The difference between the two is that needing a man is coming from an emotionally unhealthy place, where you unconsciously believe it's someone else's job to make you emotionally fulfilled and happy. Wanting a man is coming from the place where you realize you can and do fulfill your own emotional needs. Your wanting a man comes from a secure place.

Wanting a man, means I have something to share. Wanting a man makes me more discerning because I don't waste my time with men who I am not interested in or don't think would be good matches. If I need a man, I will take whatever comes my way. I may display some discernment but because I don't know myself or invest enough time in myself, I tend to 'settle' and use men as emotional fillers. Needing a man means you are not bringing anything to the relationship. In fact you are arriving at it at a deficit, which to me is doomed to failure and doomed to cause drama for the participants

I think my male friend probably is a touch emotionally needy himself and maybe this is why he doesn't get what my point is and why I think she is needy, which is not healthy. All the healthy relationships I know of that work are ones where people want a relationship and are not emotionally needy. Looking outside of yourself for your own peace and happiness are just recipes for disaster. We all know it intellectually but it has to be something learned on an emotional level.