Drunken Wanton

I've had quite a psychologically demanding week this week.
At my new job we finally began taking live calls on Tuesday. I was quite terrified. I have this fear of people. I'm usually afraid of meeting people who are new. Someone has to break that initial unknowingness and I'm certainly not one who likes to do that. Usually if I'm surrounded by my friends, I am more brave.
So why the hell am I in a field where I have to help people out all day?
It's a fear that I've got to get over. It has been a life long struggle to be comfortable with people. I don't understand where this mistrust of people comes from, because I haven't experienced torture or extreme suffering in this life.
I can't say I believe in reincarnation but of the 3 existential possibilities (1. we just live once and go to heaven, 2. we just live, there is no afterlife or 3. our spirit is eternal and we come back so that we can make up for past errors and to grow), reincarnation is the one that makes most sense to me.
I recall listening to Gary Zukac when I was around 18 and he was talking about past lives and I remember just not agreeing with that and doing all the numbers to not support his statement. I eventually pondered these 3 possibilities and over the years I have found myself gravitating towards the concept of reincarnation.
For me reincarnation doesn't mean you can spend your life slacking because you'll make up for it later. When I was a child, growing up Catholic, I was exposed to the idea that you die and go to heaven. That didn't make much sense to me either. What the hell do you do up there for eternity? It seems boring to me. And what's the standard of goodness for going up to heaven? Not everyone is virtuous. And those who aren't virtous aren't really evil enough to go to hell. Is there a remedial heaven for these people? A heaven for the mediocre?

Anyways, I digress. I read earlier this year a book by Dr. Brian Weiss who is a psychologist and his book is entitled, Many Lives Many Masters. It talks about how he had a client and he was just using regular hypnosis and this person ended up sharing stories from her previous life and because she was able to resolve the pain she experienced, her life began to improve and her highly neurotic personality was becoming more calm, confident and loving. Dr. Weiss was skeptical about this because he considered himself to possess an academic mind and this was not something he learned about. It's an interesting read and I recommend looking into it.
Obviously there is the possibility that people have false ideas planted into their mind through hypnosis, but people need to know that there's good hypnosis sessions and bad ones and the bad ones are where your subconscious is being misguided or manipulated.
I use hypnosis but I think a better term is to call it a guided meditation.
I bought one of his books that included a regression session. I think I tried it for about a month and a half. I don't know what I got out of it but I had one interesting experience as I was getting ready to go to bed. I had this feeling that someone kicked a stool from underneath me and I saw this quick flash of someone being hung.
I don't know what to make of that experience. It would make sense that my mistrust of people comes from an experience like that. For now, I've just made a mental note that I've had this experience. I don't know what to make of it but it is something I will keep in mind and perhaps I will get an answer or maybe realize that it meant nothing.

I had this interesting dream a few weeks ago that I think occured because of my eye mantra discipline. I just finished my 40 days on that one and am continuing another 40 days because I think it is something that needs to be worked on.
Anyways, in this dream I was talking to a healer. This healer happened to be some middle aged black woman. I can't explain how cool she was. She had a no-nonesense sass to her. She had this ability to look into people's bodies and find out what's wrong with them and so I asked her to look into my eyes and tell me what's wrong with my eyes because I want to heal my myopia. So she looks into my eyes and just breaks down and cries. I got this feeling from her that she saw someone who has experienced alot of suffering.

I believe many times my dreams are just based on things I unconsciously noticed in my day and my dream is just a way of processing these things . But somethings I think my dreams are revealing a message to me and that dream was certainly revealing something to me.

I know sometimes my blog seems really personal but since I already keep a personal journal and tend to write my more intimate thoughts there first, my blog is something that I am comfortable sharing with anyone. I just feel like I'm talking to an invisible friend. I don't know who you are but I know that you're there.

Anyways, some of us from work went out for a drink. I had a pizza at this sports bar and it was really good. My training class is also going out after work on our 'graduation' day which is on the 21st.
I ended up missing my study group last Sunday. I think it was because my family went to the Mandarin. We went along with my widowed grandmother (this is our first Christmas without our grandfather) and my aunt and uncle came, along with my 2 cousins and their wives. Whenever we all go out for a family gathering, it's usually to the Mandarin and frankly I get sick of going there. I enjoy eating the food when I'm there but I just don't like how I feel sick afterwards. And I don't eat to excess since it is a buffet and normally at a buffet, people gorge.

My obsession with jazz continues. I've learned a few more. I'm focusing on jazz licks from the Swing era. There's 14 in this book and I'm going to learn 11 of them which is 79%. I decided to focus on a section at a time and just learn the ones I like and/or are challenging. It's actually quite fun and I am getting more of a feel for this music and getting a feel of the speed.
It's fucking hard eh!