I've been irked these past few days. First of all I will start to say one woman on the relationship forum I am on (where we discuss men and relationships) has been irking me. We'll call her SM. I had started a topic about the difference between work and effort, i.e. basically it's not healthy to be working really hard on a relationship and that it is symptomatic that you are not in the right relationship. I had said that putting effort is required but you're not struggling to make it work. I was inspired to start this discussion because I've seen a few women on the board basically putting too much effort and thinking about the men they were interested in. The creator of the forum has her own ebook. Her basic premise is to focus on your life and make yourself happy and work on your confidence and self esteem. I was good at this since I always did this kind of stuff and didn't give up my hobbies when I started to date a guy.
Now this one woman SM, irks my chain. I've stated to her in another thread that I just don't like her style. She does a bit of story telling but for me I find it hard to follow her train of thought. It's not concise at times. Sometimes she makes good points but I find it's too convoluted for my taste. I have seen the occasional newbie mention her style is confusing. Some people seem to really like her and specifically request her help in threads and I don't think that's right but now that I think about it, they are probably the really fucked up women and maybe that's why they like her so much.
There are some mighty fucked up women that show up here on occasion and I sometimes just can't handle that. I think they need professional help and the board just is not enough for them. There are normal women though who may just have minor issues with men, women like me who have a pretty good head on their shoulder but maybe experience some man glitches. But you know, some women are martyrs and so can sit down and try and dissect their dysfunctions. It's too much for me. I have my own life to worry about. I encourage people but you really have to deal with your own drama and just grow up. It's that simple but it's hard to do. SM tends to focus on these 'meatier' women and so can write alot about their situation. Some of which I think is not necessary. I don't know but as I said, these women have to learn to help themselves. I think it would be wiser for her to advise them on books to read or actions to take. But there's a lot of analyzing that goes on. I'm an action oriented person so I know analyzing your situation can only do so much. Then it's time to turn to action. I mention that I do yoga to help me deal with things and I basically recommend people do that. There are other tools out there and that's what these women need to focus on. Not analyzing men. I think women just need to empower themselves and focus on themselves.
I think with SM in that she can really analyze something. Sometimes she is right about what she says but sometimes I think she is off the mark and sometimes I think she is hypothesizing something that may not be true. But she's very confident and I think a know-it-all and maybe that's what irks me. Know-it-alls are my biggest pet peeve.
There was one thread a few months ago that I commented on. SM and I were giving different advice. The woman was pining for an ex and he happened to be living with a woman who was a girlfriend. At the time it was not verified that he had a girlfriend already but the poster was suspect of him. I have always advised that it was time to let go and move on. However SM advised her to stick it out. That this is just a test. I really felt I was the only one on the thread who know that this woman pining for this man was wrong. It wasn't going to work out. She had to let go of her obsessions. SM said she was running a marathon and had to let him act out whatever was going on with this woman and that he probably still loved her since he would contact her.
It made me cringe because SM is so popular on the board but she was guiding her along the wrong path. Eventually this woman gave up on this man (like I suggested, although I don't think my advice got into her thick skull) and was seeing someone else and seemed happier. In essence I was right. In a case like that, it doesn't matter if the man still loves her. He's with someone else. You have to let go and move on and not talk to him. Some people didn't get that not talking to him, didn't mean you were cutting him out of your life. Sometimes I don't talk to people but that doesn't mean I've burned a bridge.
Some people are codependent on the board and I think SM advocates codependency. This is extremely unhealthy. I don't think she's aware of how she acts sometimes.
So back to my thread that I started. I was inspired to start that thread on the difference between work and effort in a relationship because SM and I were having the same disagreement on another thread that was similar to the thread I just mentioned. Women here think their situation is so unique but they are not. Many people experience similar problems and we really are not that much different from each other.
SM wants her to tough it out and be patient and that this guy she was interested is just confused and figuring out things. But this has been going on for too long and I said to move on. Now when I say to move on, it means to focus on yourself. If the man comes back to you, it's because you were focusing on your own happiness. You are not trying to make him love you or want a relationship. That's impossible.
SM totally disagreed with my thread and used an example of how she used to play a piano and worked really hard to learn it. Her point is that people now-a-days give up too easy when things get tough. I was not against that, but that was not the perspective I was talking about. I think I was carrying some frustration from a previous thread because I may have been hostile but in the end I was trying to be civil. It is hard when you are dealing with someone a bit crazy. But then maybe I should not deal with crazies!
She could not argue my counter argument and did her fancy nonsensical analyzing and ended up saying I was annoying. I was pushing her buttons but that's how it goes sometimes. I had said that a piano does not have free will like a man. A piano can't up and leave. A man can. And that wasn't the kind of work I was against. Her playing the piano gave her a sense of fulfillment. Many of these women are struggling to make something work with these men but there is no sense of happiness or fulfillment. I think I made some good points but she couldn't see my perspective and it irked me. How many times do I have to say my point? Then she says I keep saying the same thing. Hello, I'm just trying to get you to see my perspective.
A good relationship doesn't require work. I've seen many happy couples in my life. One key ingredient is chemistry. It's there or it isn't. The second is compatibility. That covers a lot and basically you have to have some solid compatibility or the relationship will be too rocky. Both are important and obviously there is give and take but both parties are happy and no one compromises to the point of unhappiness. Sure there may be some issues that you struggle with but that's called growth and pushing past your comfort zone. But it's not the struggle that drains you in the end. It's struggle that fulfills you.
I finally said that we will have to agree to disagree, that it's a stalemate. I think she just doesn't understand what I am saying. But I understand what she is saying. Working hard is like fire. It has to be applied appropriately. I think I read Steiner saying this in a lecture about evil. Sometimes hard work is right and appropriate but sometimes in the wrong case, it just causes more trouble.
There have been 11 responses since my post last night so I will have to check that out. I think I'm done with her. There was hostility on both parts but I think she was carrying over stuff from other threads that just aren't appropriate. I feel frustrated that no one now seems to be mediating between us but then maybe they are too afraid? I may have been hostile but it's because I see someone misleading someone and it's not right. I suppose I can cut her some slack, but because she's so insistent she knows better, it's hard. I just need to realize she doesn't have as much power as she acts like. I had said in another thread it's like she's the Wizard of Oz and I'm Toto, and have pulled the curtain away to reveal an ordinary woman. She just acts so great and is not aware of it.
Another thing that has irked me this week is that I posted on my facebook that I was in post-Scranton bliss. I really enjoyed my road trip. I had an idea and made it happen thanks to some friends of mine who were open to the idea.
My improv friend had said anything after Scranton would be bliss. I said he was jealous and then he got upset and said what's there to be jealous of. Then we bantered and he was really being foolish in his comments, making assumptions. He called me a lemming because I went because of the Office. He didn't know how I came up with the idea and was being judgemental. He said I should go on a real vacation. I had said that I was out of work and wanted to go to Peru but have to watch my money. Going to Scranton would fulfill my need for going somewhere but within my budget.
I wish he had some balls to realize how ignorant he was but he was just lashing out. I deleted the comments. He was quite rude. Who are you to judge me and say I'm a lemming? Scranton is like going to Montreal. People take road trips all the time. So I'm an Office fan. Big deal. I don't go on your facebook and be rude.
I really truly feel he was jealous and was just lashing out on me. So not appropriate!
He's good friends with the other improviser whom I unfriended on facebook because he was too hostile towards me and I had enough. This guy is not nearly as mean. Maybe because he's married and so has some sane woman keeping him grounded. But he can be insensitive like the other improviser. I probably won't unfriend him, but I'll certainly keep this in mind. If he needs a favour, probably won't get one from me.... unless he does something to redeem himself.
The final thing that has me irked is that I've had a reoccuring dream that I am getting my old job back and this happened last week, a few weeks ago and last night. I don't know what it means. Does it mean I am still pining for my old job and needing to let go?
I want to find a job. Hopefully I can find a better job. Hopefully I can figure out my life and start doing work I enjoy.
Blah!
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