A Look Back Over My 20s

Greetings all,

My birthday will be coming up soon on January 13th this coming Tuesday and I will be turning the big 3-0. I will be saying goodbye to my 20s and I am a little sad. My 20s was a time where I could get away with being arrogant but since I have been nearing the 30s, I am being forced to quickly get rid of some negative habits that I just can't seem to shake.

I've always considered myself a spiritual person and did believe in leading an ethical life at a young age. I also went through much existential angst in my 20s as well. But at the same time I had lots of work to do on myself and I was aware of it and was working on myself since I began yoga at 18. I knew somewhere in me there was a good, compassionate and prosperous person inside but many times anger and arrogance and general confusion and depression would hide it.

I think by the time I hit 27 or 28, I really started to take things more seriously. In my early 20s, I still wanted to take life seriously and get my life in order because it just felt so chaotic but getting close to 30 made me become more intense about the ideas and goals I had when I was younger.

I have been shedding lots of false ideas since I was 18. Looking at people and myself in a different way and learning how to let go of lots of pain I've had.

I don't have any more excuses now that I'll be 30.

The period from 20-23 was by far what I call my spiritual dark age. I turned to the philosophy called Anthroposophy by Rudolf Steiner. I mention this in a post about my journey of becoming an anthropsophist. I was driven to study Steiner's work for about 6-7 years. He isn't so much a central figure in my life now but I hope to return to him in the future, although I am working on my own Anthroposophical project which I mention here.

I had wanted to end my life many times in my 20s but reading Steiner gave me much spiritual nourishment and so that's why it was so hard to stop reading him. If I didn't have someone introduce me to him, I may not have found the strength to live and may have ended my life. It's hard to explain to people that you feel like you are being put through a test and many times in my early 20s I would experience these pangs of intense pain. I had wanted to die and end my suffering but I knew I couldn't.

I quit first year university. I was quite bright but somehow I felt the world of academics was not where I needed to be. I was tired of just being in school. I wanted to get out into the real world for a change. I started to work in factories and I worked in temp jobs. I didn't want to settle down with a regular job and liked that I could work in different places. But I felt like I had 'fallen from grace'. Here I am someone so smart, couldn't figure out life and what direction I wanted to go in as a career. I was stuck doing work that I felt was beneath me. I'm smart, why the hell am I stuck doing menial work? I knew I didn't want to be in school and this seemed like a karmic burden I had to carry because I was not wanting to go to school.

I had wanted to be a comedian at 16 and tried stand up at my high school and at Yuk Yuk's but I felt so awkward so I just stopped. I was fortunate when I was 21 that I was watching a show called Whose Line is it Anyways? and realized that I could do that and so I looked on the internet to see if there was anywhere I could try improv and I found a place called The Staircase and so I began my journey as an improviser. I obsessed over improv because I knew I could be good at it but I held back alot. I was quite afraid and many times sat on the bench. I was in my head too much. Second guessing myself all the time. Over time eventually I overcame this, although I might sometimes have a relapse.

I was a bit of a loner in my teens but my 20s I made the step towards being socialable and interacting with people more. It was hard. It seemed everyone else had an easier time expressing themselves but I was just stuck in my head. I find for me it was easier socializing on a one-on-one basis rather then in a group but eventually I learned how to interact with people more positively. I was probably very angry as well and I'm not sure but I think people probably sensed that in me and probably were uncomfortable with me to some degree. Or maybe they didn't notice, I'm not sure either.

I began exploring sexually by the time I hit 23 and I had lots of unexpressed sexual energy. I had a few boyfriends but many of my relationships were brief, usually ending around 3 months of dating. I was always a little bitter about the fact that I never had my first boyfriend until I was 19. Most people have sex and maybe even a kid by that point. I was almost like a man and I didn't care about being in a loving relationship. I just wanted sex and nothing more. I had a couple of friends with benefits. One that maybe lasted for a few months and then ended. Another was where we started out dating but it didn't work out after 8 months. I didn't want the sex to end and so we agreed to continue having sex. I had dated a few people during that period and would go back to him. I was quite sad when my special friend ended up ending our friendship for the new woman in his life. We were friends for 5 years. I always thought we were genuinely friends since we did have times where we just hung out in a non sexual manner.

I eventually came across a book last summer entitled Getting to I Do by Patricia Allen and had to seriously evaluate what the hell I wanted. I was at the point where I was wanting a relationship and figured I must be doing something wrong because things weren't working out the way I wanted to with a prospect I was interested in (aka English Muffin). The book pointed out how having sex prematurely is not good if you want a long term relationship. I had to sadly realize that if I wanted a serious relationship, I had to put a lid on my libido. I reluctantly did but I had a good reason. I wanted love and when I believe in something, I am willing to do what it takes to get the job done. I had an ideal to follow and I had to maintain a sense of purity with my sexuality. No sex without commitment became and is my current mantra.

I started to experience some moments of happiness when I was around 24. I got to eventually work up in Yellowknife for a summer where my job was to help my friend and we did lots of hiking. I was lazy but because it was part of the job to hike, it got me into the habit of enjoying walking, which I still do today.

I eventually settled down on temp work and was at one job for just over a year. Which for me is quite a long time. After getting laid off I took a few months off and I had a few jobs that didn't work out. I discovered qigong as well when I was 26 and explored many different styles and found myself sticking to the style called Tibetan Solar Qigong. I was no longer attracted to yoga, although recently I have gone back to doing kundalini yoga exercises. I also eventually discovered mantras probably around the same time and since that time I made mantra a part of my spiritual practice. I eventually landed my recent job, where I eventually got laid off again after 2 years.

Around 27 or 28 I kept seeing myself on stage - by myself. I wanted to try stand up again but had so many doubts. I kept improvising regularly but improv was not consistent were I was practising. I eventually got over my intense fears and doubts and finally got to do a stand up show last year after a 10 year hiatus. For me, getting started is the hardest part

It seems like everything in my life happens slower then everyone else and that always bothered me. I haven't achieved the success I desire but now is my time. I desire a life as a comedian, creative performer. I desire a husband, a companion, someone to share my life with. I long for inner and world peace and to be someone that is highly respected. I want to give back to this world, to do some sort of community work or to volunteer.

I have spent my 20s working away on myself and I feel I have set a firm foundation on which to build my life upon. I have worked to plant positive seeds and I know they will bloom soon. I am sad to say goodbye to my 20s but I am looking forward to the fruits that will blossom in my 30s. I long for earthly and spiritual joys and my Golden Age shall begin.