Back to Ganapati Kriya?

Greetings all,

I am going through some personal challenges again. I think part of it is because my Seasonal Affective Disorder is kicking in but also school related. I had a test in one of my courses this Friday and it brought up a tremendous amount of anxiety. The night before I was massively worried and I did briefly a meditation we regularly did in my Sat Nam Rasayan class and then I decided to just do a meditation I used to do regularly, Ganapati Kriya.

I cried a lot but I still felt lots of anxiety and stress. I had my test Friday morning and then felt massively bad about myself. Our instructor is new to teaching this particular course and he gave us a practice test. My friend said he said it was the hardest of the 3 he wrote but I think the actual test was harder! I also found out it was challenging for other students and a couple of people didn't finish the test on time. The test was 50 minutes and had 5 questions but they all had like 3 sub questions. I don't think he realized it was probably too long. Would have been better to make 3 questions with 3 sub questions.

I don't think he's a bad person but I feel he just isn't that effective as a teacher and probably has to work at it. My friend and I agree that the way he presents the material just doesn't have a focus. A lot of the time, I feel like "where you taking us?". I know with other professors, I feel they are more structured. He's semi structured. I've seen worse professors

Anyways, this bad experience from the test made me feel bad on Saturday as well. I felt like I should just quit university. Why am I studying math and stats? I also felt like if I were to quit, I wouldn't know what to do. I've tried comedy and that didn't work. I don't know what else to study in school that would help me get a good job. I felt stuck and trapped and GP is usually good for these types of feelings. I reread a journal entry from 2 years ago and was going through the same struggles in school. I felt like, am I making a mistake and wasting my time? I did Ganapati again and while I didn't cry on Friday, I cried alot last night. I got the message "Don't give up". I thought afterwards, in what sense? Don't give up on school? Don't give up on finding a loving relationship? Don't give up on both? Don't give up on Life? I've been longing for a relationship. I'm frustrated with my feeling of not feeling successful and feel like I'll never amount to anything in life.

I tried my best in preparing for this test and I felt like I'm not going to get a respectable grade and yet I need one in this course. I felt like all this work for nothing. It felt like a waste! I maybe had one moment where I thought, all that work at least may not have been enough to ace the test but it does help in terms of understanding the material.

The test may be graded on a curve and I hope so. We have a 2nd test in this course and he may make it easier. That happened in one of my courses. The prof made the first test so hard and bumped up the grades and then made the 2nd test easier. I just don't know what's wrong with these people! As a mature student too, I feel like I am making a sacrifice to be there and am paying what I think, good money to be there. These people should be bending over backwards to help us understand the material and learn but it seems like it's just a game and sometimes it doesn't seem like it's about learning.

Maybe I will go back to doing the Ganapati kriya. Since I mentioned that I feel qigong is meditative, I don't feel the need for meditating but maybe I need to go back to GP for a while and do a 40 day discipline. I guess I am feeling frustrated with my life and my life as a student. I've been dabbling in Bound Lotus but not sure about doing a discipline with it.

It's been a while since I've done GP, I think several months at least so maybe I can try it out again. It's always been good for me so I guess I can't go wrong.