Greetings all,
The ashram where I used to do my Sat Nam Rasayan (SNR), stopped running our biweekly practice I think in the beginning of the year. The woman who started it a couple of years ago when Hari Nam came to Toronto to start teaching us this got the ball rolling and she was leading regular weekly practice sessions. We then started doing it biweekly because she didn't have time to do it every week and we also probably had other things that we wanted to do as well and doing it every Sunday wasn't easy on our personal schedules. Eventually she had back issues so one of our regulars took over. Our group was a small one. It basically was the 3 of us and when this woman got her back issues, it was 2 of us at times. Sometimes we would have a couple of people show up once or twice but we never really seemed to get a crowd going. We were starting to get one woman as a regular but then it ended up getting cancelled because I think some other woman was taking over for the woman that was substituting.
As well for me, I wasn't able to go as much and my participation in it dwindled this year. I usually try to visit my family every other week or every 3 weeks and sometimes I was too busy with school. At one point, I did feel like it would be nice to have a break but now that it's not running regularly, I miss it and I definitely miss the community, even if it was just a couple of us.
My Sat Nam Rasayan practice was important to me and it really helped me get better at meditation and helped me to become less reactive and more neutral. I was also not able to attend workshops since they would run 3 times a year and have been on Tuesdays. I've been having classes on Tuesdays for the most part so it made it difficult for me.
I was quite happy to go to this workshop because I haven't seen the instructor Hari Nam in over a year or 2. I remarked to one of the regulars at SNR that he has a really strong energy. We were having a conversation about people's energy and I wondered about my own energy impact on others because sometimes I am around people whose energy I do not like and wondered if they had that awareness of their own energy.
It's usually uncommon for me to meet people who have strong energies and he has a nice energy. Although I think personally, having an energy that feels good, doesn't mean the person is good. I liked my ex's energy but he was not a good person. Another woman who ran a meetup group had energy I liked. I didn't know her well but she sent out emails to members about her own sexual abuse and she seemed really like someone with emotional issues. I'm not here to judge someone's personal life but I didn't feel it was appropriate to send out some mass email like that. I didn't know her well enough. I can understand wanting to open up to people whom you were closer to or to people in person.
Anyways, my point is that good energy doesn't mean the person is a good person or emotionally stable like these 2 people I mentioned.
We ended up doing 2 meditations and did lots of partner work. He had us focus on a variety of things but the focus was different from other sessions. He wanted us to focus on our partner's self awareness and inner perception and their insecurity. He also wanted us to say who we were in conflict with and I guess the healer doesn't have to know the person but relates to the feelings associated with that person when the patient thinks about them. We did 2 rounds of this. I first thought of my brother. I seem to be in conflict with him and he is just very difficult to get along with. On the 2nd round, I thought of my ex and said 'ex'. Hari Nam said we can say boss or ex or coworker if we didn't want to give a name. When I said ex, I also thought of aimee. I guess when I think of my conflict with my ex, I can't help but think of aimee. She was definitely part of the problem and enjoyed manipulating him and in a way turning him against me, although I don't know if that's what she was intending. Her intention simply could have been to use him and causing a rift between us was a by-product. But I'll never really know. I don't know if I'll ever get over the feeling of betrayal but I probably will. It's been over a year anyways but when people betray you like those my ex and aimee, it can take a very long time to heal from those wounds. Those wounds were pretty deep.
Overall I found the partner work was interesting and different from previous sessions we've done. A lot of sickness I think can stem from a person having a faulty perception of themself or of being insecure and not feeling good about who they are. I would never thing to feel someone based on that perspective. Basically it seemed like it was about opening up ourselves to how a person feels themself, which I think would be a really powerful thing if one gets good at it.
I can pick up on certain things about people and I do feel I can hone my feeling ability with this practice.
I was pretty tired this morning and I do feel a bit out of it.
The meditations we did were ones he taught us before but I definitely felt like I got something out of this workshop even if the meditations were the same. We also had a lot of new people as well. We didn't have time to do another meditation he mentioned that was good to practice and it was a meditation called Meditation for the Intuitive Intellect. I remember that he taught us this meditation before and I will do a 40 day practice with this meditation. He said yesterday it was a good meditation and a way to know things. I want to know things, so I thought I will try this.
The other strange thing that occurred was about a few days before this workshop, I started feeling weird. I knew my period was coming and I was feeling more irritable and emotional. I ended getting my period as well but was also crying a lot and feeling very emotional. I wasn't sure what was going on because as I mentioned before, I was chanting alot of the mantra, Har Singh Nar Singh and wondered if that was clearing up stuff because I felt so drawn to it. Normally when I get my period, I am not that moody. Sometimes I have been but I wondered if that catharsis was related to my chanting.
My SNR friend said that it was probably related to this workshop. On some level, I was probably preparing for this workshop and clearing up stuff. She said when Hari Nam worked on her, the week leading up to her private session, she felt irritable and he was like 'okay'. I don't know if that's true but it certainly defies a lot of things I have come to believe. Like how is that possible? Who's bringing this stuff up for emotional release? Am I part of the SNR chain because of my past experience practicing so this is how I am energetically connected?
It was odd. I don't know what was going on emotionally with me and it may take me a few days to process this week and what I've been through.
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