What Does it Mean to Act Like a Man?

Greetings all,

I read this newspaper article that talked about what does it mean to act like a man? This was something I talked about with a previous boyfriend I had and I would always comment that men are only allowed to show certain emotions. 1. lust (within reason) and 2. happiness. That's it. I don't want to deal with a man that is fearful, angry and insecure.

I've done a lot of reading about men and their inner lives, mainly because I was wanting to be in a relationship and wanted to get a better understanding of men and have read how many times men's emotional lives get repressed because it's not considered 'manly' to be emotional.

One point from the article that I have heard before in books that men complain about when they do attempt to open up to their wives or girlfriends was as follows:
A friend once remarked, "My wife always says I should open up, but when I do she doesn't want me to have the feelings I have."

Most women I know want a man to be a protector and at least a provider (now-a-days sometimes they are the bread winner so at least they want a man that makes money, not necessarily more than them). Most women want a man to make them feel safe. I know I do. But how can a man make a woman feel safe if he always goes on about how scared he is of stuff? Or if he is always angry?

From this perspective, I totally feel these common responses of women toward men are justified. We want to feel safe and we only want to hear certain things from our men. I don't think hearing other men talk about their fears would bother me as much but if my man is so fearful and insecure, it's just a turn off.

I think there is a fine line between being vulnerable and being insecure. Openly talking about if you feel worried about something would be fine or maybe you have a small fear. But if you all you do is go on about how insecure you are or how you are always worried, it's just not attractive.

If a woman was the same way, I think eventually it would wear a man down. I think women as well need to talk responsibility for their thoughts and feelings and if they are in a state of always insecure, that's not healthy either.

I keep a journal and have done so for over 10 years. I write my most darkest thoughts and insecurities there but I don't go sharing it with everybody. If I do talk about my feelings, I give people the processed feelings for the most part because I want to be able to self reflect. I expect this from my man as well. I do not use men as emotional dumping grounds and if I were to be married or in a relationship, I would expect the same courtesy. Take some time for yourself and do some self reflection and then come open up to me about how you feel. I certainly would be more receptive to that.

Maybe in that quote I quoted earlier, the man was just dumping on the wife. No one wants that.

The only other point I had to make was that sometimes people can only handle the insecurities of others that they are comfortable with and have worked out for themselves. If you are fearful about something and your man or a friend brings up something that triggers this fear or insecurity, you are less likely to be receptive to them.

For example, if you as a woman already have deep fears and insecurity when it comes to money (like me for example), you don't want your man to come talk to you about his own fears about money because you may not have gotten around to being more at peace with your issues so you react and be triggered and just don't want to hear his fears or insecurities. If you were in a more better emotional state and dealt with your stuff, then you wouldn't have that reaction.

So to me if a woman does react to a man bringing up his fears appropriately, it to me signals she may have issues about that particular subject. Either way, we should not be making men and women feel bad about their fears because most people are insecure to some degree. Some more than others.

The other point I wanted to make was since I read a lot about men, I have read how men do not like women baring their full emotions so this article may not totally be accurate and just a whine piece. Men do not like when a woman gets angry and I have read that if you are to approach a man and are angry, you have to do it a certain way. I think in general this applies to everyone. If you are angry, there are ways to deal with it and be approachable.

I think men can tolerate a woman being more insecure because men are still to be the protector and so it's cute if a woman is insecure but after a while, if the woman is always insecure, it turns off the man.

To me everyone needs to work on their emotions and improving their emotional intelligence. Men and women. This isn't a gender issue but a human issue. I have seen many women demonstrate low emotional intelligence by not dealing with problems and running away from things all the time or just ignoring the feelings of others and being passive about what happens. There is really only one way to be and that is to take responsibility for your inner world and how you communicate with others your inner world.  While we may not always communicate gracefully, it should be something we strive for in our relationships and friendships.