Life Hurts

Greetings all,

This post will be depressing so I thought I'd give a heads up first.

I've mentioned that I've been into kundalini yoga for about a year and a half now. I used to do hatha and qigong and have always made it a point to have some sort of physical activity that is mindful and brings calm in my world.

I am doing a meditation discipline as mentioned called ganapati kriya and I have some dvds by this couple that brand themselves as Raviana. I've also practiced and learned from books so essentially I do my own home study and maybe would like to someday attend a class, although I do attend regular group meditations.

I've decided to do another discipline for a kriya called sat kriya. I've read that it's one of the most potent kriya to work with and it has been said this is one of the 3 Yogi Bhajan says one should do if all the meditations were lost and that should not be lost as a teaching.

It's been pretty intense at times and it's a nice compliment to the ganapati I'm working with. I'm building up my time and have started out with the minimum of 3 minutes. I got up to 11 minutes so now I am building up to 22 minutes. In kundalini yoga, they have certain times to build things up to and they are 3, 11, 22, 31 and 62 minutes. As well, if you decide to undergo a discipline, you have to commit to it for 40 days and cannot skip a day. So with my 2 disciplines, no matter what I do, I have to make sure I do it before I go to bed. I'm pretty disciplined so that's not an issue.

Anyways, it's been intense to work with sat kriya because I might do it for 2 days and feel relaxed and nothing really emotional comes up and then when I try it again, all sorts of emotional stuff comes up and it's just so damn painful and scary. It hurts so bad but I know it's for my own good, because in a sense I am cleaning out my subconscious and am dealing with stuff I've repressed, and possibly traumas from past lives. I'm still on the fence about past lives but I feel there's so much emotional stuff I've had to process, it's the only logical answer. I have had some frustrations in life but my life was not that traumatizing.

I know in the long run I am happier and don't get as angry at things and am less triggered and more secure with myself, however, some days are really depressing for me because sometimes really painful stuff comes up and it's hard to process. There are some days where I just want to slit my wrists and kill myself and just end this miserable experience called life. I know that I shouldn't and I've never attempted suicide but it's just really painful. It runs it's course and then I'm okay and eventually will again repeat this cycle but there are some days where I feel good and optimistic. But sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I normally don't like to tell people how I feel because I don't want to bring people down and I think as well, unless you have an active meditation practice like I do, you probably just wouldn't understand what I'm going through. So I do feel lonely at times about my own suffering.

The last time I felt this type of pain was in my early 20s when I was experiencing an existential crisis and it last for about 3 years and happened around 20-23. I'd experience these bursts of pain and turned to anthroposophy for my spiritual nourishment, which seemed to help. I figure I am going through another intense spiritual phase and I think it started around 28 so I think it will be over soon but I think it's for my own good.

This is why as well I don't believe in the theory of Positive Thinking. Because I think you have to penetrate into the subconscious level to create lasting change in an individual. I think if someone just thinks positive thoughts all day, it will just create superficial change and I would think it's treating the symptom and not the cause. I feel because I am clearing and dealing with these buried issues via meditation, I naturally have an easier time to maintain a positive attitude and it's not something I have to work hard to do, I'm working hard on the level to actually get to the root of the problem.