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Well I am glad now that this quiz has confirmed what the voice in my head has always been saying... sigh... the pressure...

Baptism

I am going to attend this family dinner this Sunday to celebrate my cousin's new baby getting baptized. My mother - a regular church goer - helped them arrange the baptism at her Catholic church and fill out the required papers and make the appointment for the baptism. My mother did this a few weeks ago and it sparked this huge argument.

First of all, I like my cousin and do not know why they are baptizing their new son. The mother is Anglican and my cousin and his parents (i.e. my aunt and uncle) are not religious, church going people. They all have been baptized and did the Confirmation thing. Confirmation is done at 14 and it is basically like baptism except without all the water. You 'consciously' choose to be Catholic when you do this sacrament.

My mother telling me that she was helping them get a baptism arranged triggered a great deal of anger in me. I didn't know why they would want to get the son baptized. My cousin is the creative artsy type, sort of like me and it didn't make sense that they would want to baptize their son. Creative arsty people usually don't believe in religion, especially one that is archaeic in its views.

I somehow got angry at my mother after she told me this. I started getting angry about why they would want to do this and then this somehow led us to how my mother would force me to go to church when I was younger. She would always force me to go to church even though I didn't want to. Around 13 and 14, I started questioning life and the whole idea of church just didn't make sense. And it was boring. By 14 and 15, I would get angry every Sunday and strongly protest how I didn't want to go. She wouldn't listen to what I had to say and she said I had to go because that's what you are supposed to do. I told my mother during this argument that what she did to me was spiritual rape. They were strong words but that's what she did to me whether she wants to accept it or not. You don't force your spiritual/relgious beliefs onto anyone. You don't make them do spiritual/religious practices that they do not agree with.

My dad was also present and he has the same mentality as my mother. He thinks religion is great but I've heard too many horrible history stories to respect any religious institute. The stupidiest thing he said that night was "Religion gives you freedom". Wow, that quote is dumb enough to be a Bush quote! I could have ranted on about how religion is the complete antithesis of that statement. Religion has never given people freedom. Religion takes away people's freedom. It is people who have to fight for freedom from religion.

Finally I felt that my cousin may potentially be acting like a hypocrite. Religion is something that you practice. Each religion is different. Catholicism has certain requirements and going to church on a regular basis, as far as I understand, is part of being Catholic. I don't know if he plans on going to church because he can start going. If that is the case, then he wouldn't be a hypocrite.

As far as I am concerned, if you plan on making your child join a religion, then you have to be a good role model and practice your religion the way that the religion dictates that it should be practiced. A Catholic isn't a Catholic because they are baptized. It takes time and some effort to practice this religion. A musician isn't a musician just because they have an instrument. They practice. A tennis player isn't one because they've taken a few lessons. They practice.

Although I despise religion, if you are going to have a religion, then you better make sure you are going to give it the proper attention and committment, otherwise there is no point in joining.

My mother also 'counter argued' that I should go to church because I got Confirmed. Frankly, I think the Church sets the age for it too low. I had my doubts about Confirmation and wasn't even sure I wanted to do it. There were only 1 or 2 people who didn't do it because I think they weren't Catholics. Everyone else in my class was doing it and so I just went along with what everyone else was doing. I was 14. How many 14 year olds have enough courage to go against the crowd? If Confirmation was to be done at 16, I probably would have not done it because by that age I had enough courage to go against the crowd and do what I thought was right for myself. It looks like the church knows how to guilt and manipulate people and get them 'in' at the right age.

Dangerously Deprived

Greetings and Salutations Wondering Heathens,

I now have an informant at work who knows about my blog. We have mutually agreed to exchange blog addresses. I'm a bit of an internet exhibitionist but I was selective about whom I would share this information. To my fellow coworker: You are a chosen one! Honor this privilege and humbly go forward.

In a previous entry, I wrote about a guy at work whom I was not sure if I should lust for him. He had some pros and cons. My informant has figured out who this person is. Neither of us know his status (i.e. if he's got a woman). I don't think he has a woman. That would be a pro. A con if one of your hobbies is being a homewrecker.

I was lusting for him sexually last night. I had trouble sleeping last night. Normally I don't like to fantasize about guys. When I was shy and afraid of boys in elementary and high school, I would constantly imagine myself with the guy that I had a crush on. I would have a crush on someone in high school for a whole year and not do anything about it. As I have grown and evolved, I have increased my confidence with the opposite sex. I like to make my thoughts reality instead of just day dreaming about.

Okay so I spent some time thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him. I also wondered about his own sexual history. A lot of people don't seem sexual or sensual. I can understand at work that people aren't going to be sexual/sensual but usually you can tell if someone has that aspect to them. But some people seem a little reserved and I always wonder if they have a sexual/sensual side to them. He seems like he is a little reserved. He's a bit of a geek/nerd and he possibly looks like someone who may have had 1-2 girlfriends in his entire life.

I should hope that he is good in bed. I no longer am taking on any young male prodigies to teach them the way of the vagina and clitoris. Students are in my past and I only seek experienced professionals.

But I must confess. I have regressed. I do wonder if he likes me. I do wonder if should ask him out but I am too chicken. I don't talk to him much and perhaps if I did, it might be easier. You would think being a young and attractive and arrogant woman would make it easier for me to make a move

My one friend thinks I should just ask him out for coffee. I have been known to ask guys out and be successful at getting a yes. But the thought of asking him out seems terrifying. I think the world needs to know that sometimes pretty chicks like me are scared to ask out people too.

* * *
I think I'm going to be buying myself a condo. I've been looking online and I'm thinking in the next 6 months I should find something. I've already worked out a budget and I think I would like a 2 bedroom so I can have a roommate. I am not 100% sure on the roommate idea but I am leaning towards having one since I like people to some degree.

* * *
I went to get laser done on my legs and bikini on Saturday. It was my fourth session and every time I've gone, I've had a different woman. I make sure that I wear this certain underwear that I have. It's appropriate for when you have to just be in your underwear around some woman who will be torching your bikini and leg hairs. The first time I went, I had to think about which one of my underwears is most suitable for this. You can't wear thongs because it's just not socially appropriate for these people who are providing this service, to see your ass. I know I have an awesome and perky ass, but I have enough social grace not to flaunt that in situations such as getting laser done.

I had other sexy underwear that weren't thongs but again I did not feel it would be appropriate to wear. So I have this simple maroon underwear. It's a few years old but still does the job. Because it's a dark colour, it also does not expose my pubes, because we all know that if you wear light colour underwear, your pubes are visible.

I also find being alone with the person who is giving the laser treatment a little ackward. I try and make conversation so that I feel more relaxed. I think however, that they should have been more initiators in conversation. The woman yesterday asked me about my hobbies. With the other ladies I had, I usually was the one asking questions about what were their hobbies, so it was nice that she had some initiative.

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I don't even like Winnie the Pooh. I never watched it. I was just reading someone else's blog and decided to take this quiz.

Tacticidal Maniac

Well my parents have returned from their pilgrimmage in Italy. They came back Thursday at 5 pm. I asked for a top. Last year when they went, my mother brought back a nice top and so I wanted another nice top. I didn't get that. I just got a pack of gum and some necklace. It was fake silver I believe. I prefer having authentic jewelry. So I'm thinking I should print up a shirt that says, "My parents went to Italy and all I got was this pack of gum".

My brother didn't call for the second half of the week. The asshole had the nerve to ask me for money and when I asked why, he gave me some lame ass reason, something about him having trouble accessing his account (I have forgotten his exact words) at the bank machine. I know he's lying. I am usually good at telling when people lie. I wonder if there is any science supporting the science of lying. When I observe people lying, I can usually tell in 2 ways. One way is that if you probe and ask questions, you start realizing that there are holes in their story. It is not logical and the facts don't make logical sense. Another way I can tell when someone is lying is I can hear it in their voice. I don't know if other people have had this same experience and I also don't know if there is some research about this. I know that the inflection in their voice changes slightly and there's this hollow quality to the voice.

I have read there are body language signs but I can mainly tell through their voice. There voice changes from their regular talking voice. This doesn't always work but many times I notice when I spot a lie, the voice sometimes alters.

I think it's unfortunate that my brother manipulates my parents. He has these emotional freakouts and I don't know if it's the result of chemical imbalances or if it's just simply him being immature and not controlling his anger.

**********
I finally finished summarizing the remaining chapters of Philosophy of Freedom last Saturday. There is a revised appendix and a short chapter entitled Ultimate Questions. That's right Mr Steiner ends this book with questions, not answers! I think I will summarize those as well. I also finished reading his Secret Brotherhoods and was a bit disappointed with it. Sometimes I think I should just abandon my whole interest in spirituality and become a pure materialist. I just won't care about whether there is a god or spiritual beings. Maybe I just should believe in what I can perceive with my 5 senses and a microscope.

**********
TO LUST OR NOT TO LUST
**********

I have been eyeing this one guy at work. He's somewhat cute. I got to shadow him doing phone calls as some of us will be trained to do phone calls. When our department was slow, they would send us upstairs to shadow. I've shadowed with several people now and my training was for this week but it has been rescheduled. It's a nice way to meet the various employees. I noticed this guy before and he seemed rather nice. He was helping out some new person in my department to find a ride by asking a few people if they live near her area. He seemed uber nice because he seemed to go above what was needed.

He has some cons. The first being that he is skinny. I do not like skinny guys. I've gone out with a couple of skinny guys and when you are attempting to get it on, it is not nice to have his hip bones digging into yours. I don't know how skinny he is because I can't tell as his clothes are baggy. But let's face it. If I really enjoyed the feeling of bones against my body, I would either dig up corpses and entertain myself or go to some med school and fool around with the skeleton model that they use for teaching purposes.

Another con is that he smokes. I don't smoke. I'm really health conscious and I have only gone out with one person who smoked. He actually didn't smoke too often which was good since that meant that his breath didn't really smell smokey.

Another con is that he has a monotone voice. While shadowing, I noticed that he sounded very boring and monotone. I don't know if I would like to be around someone like that. I'm a bit fiery. I've gotten some spunk. I need someone who's got some spunk, some fire.

I don't really know much about him so if I were to consider asking him out, it would be until I had a better sense of his personality. I did notice that he had these really nice eyes during shadowing. He would explain something and then look directly at me. I don't know how to describe the eyes. Was it the colour that made them striking? I haven't found the right word.

I also noticed that he wore this maroon dress shirt alot. I noticed that he wore it twice this week. There is an unspoken code that you do not wear the same top to work more then once in a week. Many men do not understand this, however, it is common knowledge among women. This is not my rule, this is a fashion rule. At home, it doesn't matter but if at work, you must have a different top each day for the week. I was 85% sure that he was going to be wearing the maroon top this Friday (which is a casual dress day). I was looking out for him and I typically see him around 3.30 as that seems to be when he has his break. He did not have the maroon dress shirt on.

This would be another con of his... that he has proven me wrong.

**********
As you can see I have entitled my post, Tacticidal Maniac. The question is, who is this tacticidal maniac? Me and/or my brother?

EVIL LAUGH
MUU AHHH AHH AHH AHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Green

I have been really feeling drawn to the colour green these past few months. I bought myself a green top and have green runners. Blue was one of my favourite colours but I now am just smitten with green. The green of the trees and of plants and grass. It is so rich and wonderful.

I have been searching on google to see the symbolic meanings for the colour and came across this colour test. I didn't care for it much but I'll post it anyways. My comments are italicized.

Paula's Existing Situation

Active, outgoing, and restless. Feels frustrated by the slowness with which events develop along the desired lines. This leads to irritability, changeability, and lack of persistence when pursuing a given objective.

Irritable? Fuck you I ain't no.... you know you have such lovely eyes. Do you have any chocolate?

Paula's Stress Sources

Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.

Look I just have an unsatisfied need for power and status. I just want to rule and dominate the world and control people. I don't care for having standards for myself, I would rather seek to enforce unattainable standards for the ignorant and the not-absorbed-with-Paula- people.

Paula's Restrained Characteristics

Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Not true. I put out on the second date. And I pretend in a very convincing manner that I am enjoying myself.
Conditions are such that she will not let herself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.


Paula's Desired Objective

Seeks the determination and elasticity of will necessary to establish herself and to make herself independent despite the difficulties of her situation. Wants to overcome opposition and achieve recognition.

It would have been more simpler to say that I seek global domination and the relentless adoration of millions.

Paula's Actual Problem

Afraid that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants and therefore demands that others should recognize her right to them.

That's funny...that I'm afraid of not achieving things I want. I am fabulous. How can I not follow through on my plans for global domination?

Paula's Actual Problem #2

Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards.

I agree whole-cold-heartedly. Respect me people. Value me.

Chi-ified

Greetings and Salutations Fellow Biological Misfits,

I had a good weekend. I took this intensive qigong workshop in Etobicoke. It was 3 days and the total instruction time was about 15 hours. It was a Tibetan Solar qigong. I wasn't sure how to integrate this new qigong into my life. There are 2 levels and the first one should be done for about 3 months before you practice the second one as the second one requires you to build up your energy. I had to think about what my intention would be for this and I did come up with a clear intention so it will make it easier for me to motivate since I have my purpose in mind.

I already am doing enough meditatively and spiritually. I am interested in my mantra work and I don't want anything to take away my focus on that. I think I can devote the proper time and effort to practicing this particular qigong.

I stayed at a hotel on Friday night because the workshop ended at 10 and the Saturday workshop started at 7 am and I thought it would be easier for me to do so. I ended up getting off work an hour extra. I made good use of the whirlpool prior to my workshop and I made an even better use of the whirlpool after the workshop. I had fun with the jets. You know not ordinary fun like using it to destress my tense muscles. I had sexual fun.

My parents have left for Italy today for their pilgrimage. I have 3 brothers and my one brother has his own place. He used to live in a house 2 blocks from us but he sold it and now lives in an apartment that is further away from here. He comes over several nights a week to watch television. He has a small tv but only has basic cable. He would come over several times a week and at one point was experiencing some serious mental/emotional problems that resulted in him not being allowed over. He is better now but has wormed his way back into watching tv.

My brother is stupid and I don't like him very much. He has been diagnosed with depression and has medicine. I don't know if that's even a good diagnosis because he harbours a great deal of anger within and being on medicine I think doesn't really solve his problems. I think it is just a blanket solution, never really getting to the core of the issue. I think he has emotional problems because he simple doesn't want to experience his emotions. I seriously believe that people can make themselves sick and disturbed, particularly if they do not learn how to express their emotions and work with that energy in a positive way.

Now that my parents are gone for 2 weeks, I don't want him here. The last time they went away, he would come over and watch tv. It's just not normal. And I'm not talking about not normal in the sense that he might kill someone, but it's just not normal that he has this dependent relation with my parents. He's 39 years old I might add and is unemployed and has been so since November or December 2004. My parents are typical old fashioned Italians so they want to help their kids out but sometimes they need to be tougher and more assertive.

My mother said he was only allowed to come over for 2 days and tonight he wanted to come over for football. He also planned on coming over Friday and Saturday but I told him she said he's only allowed 2 nights. So now he's disputing this with me. We argue like children and it's ridiculous. He seems to be under the impression that he can come whenever he wants. My mother should be calling tonight and he wants her to straigthen it out.

It doesn't matter what she says because he usually ends up doing whatever he wants. He just doesn't listen.

If my parents had a more extensive social network, then maybe they would realize that how they let my brother come over to watch tv is not normal and maybe they'll realize that they are not heartless if they tell him that they don't want him to just come over and watch tv.

I can go on and on about the dysfunction of my one brother and why I don't like him but the tale might be too depressing.

I want to move out soon. I will but it depends on what happens with my new job. I'm still in that probation stage which is for 3 months so that means for sure next January or February I'll feel more comfortable moving out. I am thinking of getting a condo or a house where I can have roommates. I don't like the idea of giving rent money to someone. It's like making someone else rich and at least if I own my property, I won't feel like I'm throwing my money away. On the other hand I can start out with an apartment, just for the sake of getting out of the house. My parents drive me batty sometimes.

I feel a bit stupid/embarassed because I still live with my parents. But I don't believe in living with someone and most people just end up living with a partner, never really learning how to be self-sufficient. I could be like most young women my age(and younger) who move out of their parents home and move in with a boyfriend. But that's not my style and I want to be on my own for a while or have a roommate before I decide to move in with a boyfriend (I don't have one but I still wouldn't move in with him if I did).

So I found out on google that Hawksley Workman is gay. I thought he was because my gaydar was slightly going off. Well at least I never have to worry about dating a man who is gay and is hiding it, thanks to my trusty gaydar.
My best friend in high school dated a guy for 4 years in high school and he told her he was gay either when they broke up or afterwards. I knew he was gay the first time I met him. He didn't treat her well either but I guess she tolerated it because she was so desperate to be in a relationship.
Gaydar (i.e. the ability to identify homosexuals) should be biologically studied. Maybe gay people emit some pheromone that is different from straight people.

My parents will be going on a pilgrimage to Rome with the church (they are Catholics)at the end of the month for 2 weeks. There is an itenerary and they haven't received more specific details on what they will be doing. We were at Red Lobster for dinner tonight and I asked my parents what they will be doing there. My mother said that 2 bishops and a priest are also going with the group for this pilgrimage tour. They will get to attend a mass at the Vatican. My mother said that they will get to visit churches and stay at a monastary. I asked her if you're allowed to have sex at the monastary. I think I would totatly love to have sex at that sort of environment. It would be kinky. Maybe even a gang-bang if I felt more adventerous! She didn't give me an answer but I think it's an important question. Because we all know ideally the priests that stay there shouldn't but if you are a guest and are married... then I think you would have some sort of obligation to be fruitful and mulitple.

I think it would be fun to be conceived in a monastary. It can be the new trend. Monastary sex.

They'll start making bumper stickers that say "I was conceived in a monastary" or "Conceived in the house of the Lord".

I went to a Catholic school and basically was forced by my mother to attend mass up to the age of 17 or 18. I think around 14 I started questioning everything about the church and I started to see it as an unnecessary stage in my spiritual development. I always liked Jesus and the stories that I learned about him. I thought Jesus was someone I would like to be like because he was not judgmental and was compassionate. Everything else about religion and church didn't seem to matter. I didn't get the whole repetative nature of mass. I liked the homilies somewhat(i.e. when the priest spoke) but I thought it would be more interesting if we all could discuss our issues and struggles. My mother would motivate me to go to church by letting me use the car if I went. I would only go so I could get the car. Every Sunday I had to fight and argue with her about how I didn't want to go. It was awful and I just wish she would understand. She still wishes I would go to church but I don't understand her fixation on going to church.

I always thought Jesus was the type of guy who had a good sense of humour. Even though I might make Jesus jokes or religious jokes that may have not been found 'acceptable' to others, I always thought that at least Jesus would understand because he probably knew that my intention wasn't malicious and he probably would appreciate my mischieveous and twisted sense of humour.

My study of Anthroposophy is a Christ centered philsophy. However, many of Steiner's work do not necessarily discuss Christianity, for example his works on social issues and his Philosophy of Freedom. He does talk about spiritual beings and personalities such as Buddha and the Christ. My study group has decided to read Christianity as Mystical Fact and then we will read the book that I suggested, The Renewal of the Social Organism.

Steiner's ideas on spiritual beings, particularly about the Christ, strike a particular cord in me. I feel a deep and intimate connection about what he has to say about the Christ. It's a little bit different from what is traditionally taught. He discusses the impulse that Christ brings to the earth and for me it makes sense in a way that is hard to describe.

Christianity as Mystical Fact was the second Steiner book I read way back when I first started studying Anthroposophy. I took a bunch of books out from the library as my boyfriend at the time thought I might be interested in Steiner's spiritual philosophy. CMF is considered a basic book but I really don't think it should be. I read through it and thought about how stupid this Steiner guy is. It wasn't until I read Theosophy that I really started to understand where he was coming from. My group read about 8-10 pages on Sunday and I had a much better appreciation of this book.

I got my new laptop on Friday and have finally decided to use it. I had to figure out how to get my internet going because I still use a dial-up service. I'm going to have to transfer my files from my old computer to my new one later on. I have a wide screen which is a little weird for me.

I've been surfing for a hostel to stay near the Toronto airport as I'll be taking this qigong workshop in the Toronto area in a couple of weeks and the schedule is Friday 7.30 to 10 pm, Saturday and Sunday 7.30 - 10 am and I figure I'm better off staying close by for the Friday night since it starts so early. I've been searching for a while since I don't really want to spend much. I was starting to get irritated about my lack of hostel prospects as I was getting sucked into this internet void. I began to think about the tasks that I need to do in the real world and then I realized that I haven't masterbated in a couple of weeks.

That's so unlike me. I usually do so once a week. And to think I can't remember when was the last time I satisfied myself.
Sad really.

I saw one of my favourite performers this Thursday night at The Underground. I saw Hawksley Workman and the Wolves. I saw him in Yellowknife a couple of years ago at a music festival. I wanted to yell out to him on Thursday if he remembered me from Yellowknife. During one of his performances in Yellowknife, some of us got up to dance near the front of the stage. I was pretty close to him and would make eye contact and I think we had a brief moment where we connected. I really felt like we had a moment, brief and fleeting, but a moment nonetheless.

The Underground was a standing room venue with a small seating area at the back. I was in the second row behind some short girls so when it was time for Hawksley to perform, I had a good view. During the middle of his performance some ignorant ho pushed her way through the small crowd and managed to push me aside a bit to my left. I was standing next to some tall guy and there was probably a small gap between us. I didn't appreciate her being so ignorant. I was totally absorbed in the music and performance. She was bouncing around like some drunkin' Slavic bimbo. She was starting to annoy me. I decided to not let this Slavic whore ruin my Hawksley experience and she ended up leaving the area.

I don't find myself attracted to Hawksley. I don't know if he's gay or bi but he is a bit flamboyant as a performer. I'm usually good at spotting homosexuals but somehow my gaydar does not know what to make of him. He was actually cute in Thursday's show. He normally seems pale and white but he was tanned and had a hat on.

Some of my friends and I had a gathering for a friend who was going to be leaving us for Yellowknife soon. A bunch of people from my high school were there and we were going through the yearbooks. I hated highschool. It was ackward and it took a while for me to feel comfortable and to feel some sort of social confidence among my peers. I have met people who say they liked high school. What was there to like?

Grade 9 was awful because I got picked on by these 2 girls who I basically felt bullied by. They made me uncomfortable throughout my whole high school years. I got teased by a couple of other people as well. I had glasses and didn't seem confident making me a prime target. They were a year older then me. One was in my drama class and the other in my english.

There are more stories of my sucky experience in highschool but I've moved on in my life and I don't care to explore my past. I think I've learned what I needed to learn from that time.

I starting reading Steiner's lecture book called Secret Brotherhoods. The lectures are unusally long and I don't know why. My study group will be meeting tonight and we haven't for about 3 weeks. We haven't decided what to read.

I finished another 40 day mantra discipline on September 3. This was the first time that I forced myself to just stick with one mantra. I had so many objectives but it can dilute the process if you do multiple mantras, unless they pertain to the same issue. I achieved my objection around day 34 and so had to continue with it anyways. The discipline lost much of its intensity after I achieved my objective but obviously you have to complete the discipline. I started another one on the 7th. I wrote out my objective. I wanted to use this mantra while I was doing the other one. I learned it while I was doing the other one but I didn't commit myself to a discipline. I enjoy saying it. It's a bit long but I like it.

Online Dating

Ok I will admit it publicly. I've tried those online dating services before. I tried them a few years ago. I've gone out with a couple of people once or twice. It never works out. I have my profile up on a popular one now. I really don't have high expectations. I'm not even really interested in finding someone now anyways. I'm just addicted to checking my account every day to see if anyone is interested in me and in checking out available hotties. All of the guys I send online smiles to don't respond back and all the guys that like me are guys who I don't find attractive. I would rate them a 5.5 out of 10. Why am I not attracting hotties?

I guess the internet doesn't really capture my mojo.

I like checking out the guys. It's hard to tell if you have a chemistry with someone just by looking at their picture and profile but I really think you can have some sense of whether maybe something could evolve.

Today was interesting though. I was scoping out the guys and I believe I came across the profile of a former boss of mine from a job I had about a year ago. I was at this job for just over a year when I got let go. (not my fault this time!) He was my team leader and he was quite the hottie but also an asshole. He was only about 1-2 years older then me. He was a 'let's go out and get drunk at the pub' kinda guy. Also had very little activities to stimulate himself. His hobbies? Work and beer.

Yeah he's one of those guys.

Anyways, I had this huge crush on him for the longest time. Like a schoolgirl crush. Maybe if he weren't a jerk, I'd ask him out.
I found out one day he had a girlfriend.
And then another day that he hadn't.
Then a week later I would hear he had the same girlfriend.

Yes he was one of those guys who always had this on-again off-again thing with his woman. I hate people like that. I really do. I just hate indecisiveness. Or do I? I'm not really sure. Oh no wait... maybe... ma y b e
I DO.

I understand the doubting yourself when you dump someone. Or wanting them back if you've been dumped, thinking that maybe you two were really meant for each other and he's just afraid of his feelings. I get that but I just don't get people who break up and then get back and do it again and again.

You either like the pussy/cock or you don't.
It's real binary people.

Anyways, I sent an email to this person and asked him if he was my former boss. The profile stated he was a non smoker but I know my former boss smoked. And I know my former boss always secretly had a thing for me so perhaps this will be an opportunity for him to profess his undying love for me, because I know somewhere, there must be someone who has some undying love for me that they are too afraid to profess to me.

Yeah for Materialism!

I've been the materialistic whore this weekend. I ended up buying myself a laptop. I was aiming for under $900 but threw caution to the wind when I realized that I would be happier with a 17" monitor versus a 14.1" monitor. My current laptop is a 17" and so I think once you go big, you can never go back.

I also took Friday off and drove to Toronto with my parents and their new Buick Lucerne. Bulky mo-fo, if you ask me. It's 13" longer then the Malibu I drive and I'm not sure exactly how much wider it was but it certainly felt a bit wider. I wanted to check out this store called Zara which I learned about in this book called The Wisdom of Crowds. My parent's new car is also equipped with OnStar for free for one year and this was an excuse for us to test it out.

Let me tell you OnStar sucks ass. There are 4 Zaras in Toronto (there are currently none in Hamilton) and I chose the one on Bloor. Since my parents are sheltered people and generally do not go far or to many places other then the market, the gym or Italy, they can not fully understand how I felt when I was trying to express how horrid the directions were. If they were more familiar with Toronto, such as myself - although I claim no expertise - they would be able to participate with me in complaining about how stupid OnStar is.

Let me say it again.
ONSTAR YOU SUCK ASS.
ONSTAR YOU PROVIDE INEFFICIENT DIRECTIONS

We were on QEW and around the Erin Mills exit, I decided to ask for directions. I figured I'd give myself ample time to contact OnStar. How it works is you speak to a live person and tell them where you are going. I think there are other things they can help you with but we were only interested in directions. You can have them give you all the directions at once or they tell you step by step as you progress towards your destination. The live person programs the system and then when you're done with them an automated voice directs you.

First instruction was to stay on the QEW for X number of miles. As I got closer to Toronto, it told me to take Highway 2 (i.e. Lakeshore). So I did that. This is where it confused me. It said to stay on the right. Then a minute later it tells me to turn left on Jameson. I ended up missing my exit because there was no time to change lanes and then we had to contact them again.

Onstar was better off in telling us to stay on the Gardner and get off on Spadina. Anyways if you are considering OnStar, please don't. You are better off using a map. Poor directions. It's always better to stay on the highway then to drive through the city to get to your destination (in most cases).

I ended up buying a top at Zara. I wasn't feeling the style of clothes there so I'll probably never go again. Maybe I'll consider going to the Yorkdale one. It was uber busy though and I had to wait in line to try my shirt and to pay.

I also won some ebay auction yesterday for a Green Day calendar.

I've just been all spendy mcspender this weekend.
It is unusal for me.

It was also the first time I drove with my dad. I was a bit nervous because my father is critical and somewhat judgemental. I know when I drive with my mother, she'll correct me if I don't signal for a lane change. I'm a good driver but really sometimes I'm not going to signal every single time I move, especially if no one is around. Signalling is to communicate to other drivers what you are doing. If none are around, why signal?

Well after the trip my dad did say I did good.

I will also be starting a new job tomorrow. A real job! A job I found by myself! There is 2 weeks of training. I hope to have a good experience there. I have been temping in between so as not to get so bored. I finished my census job back in July and had some assignment from the agency that would last for the summer. I was still looking for work and had a couple of interviews and so I am glad that this worked out for me.

My future feels like it can take a new direction at any time.
I hope good things start happening to me because I deserve it!

New Release!

This just in!
The Official Membership Card for Bisexuals.
Not available in stores.
Quantities are limited.

Coming soon; the Official Membership Card for Homosexuals.

Rapture

For all of those who don't know my father is a CNN junkie. Attracted to the American propaganda and the US media's grandiose perception that it's the only evolved democratic country in the world. Every day my psyche is exposed to this hogwash and one story really got my attention. It was about the Rapture. They did this commerical asking 'is this the end of the world?'. I was disgusted by this commercial. I am sure somewhere in America there are many uneducated people who really believe whatever they see on their tv. They probably really believe that hey maybe we are reallly in for the apocalypse. So a few days later they actually air this piece discussing the rapture. They interviewed these religious fanatic leaders who really believe that it is the end of the world. This piece aired a few days after this Israel war began. They believed that this war is a sign that was clearly outlined in the bible. They also said that we have had many signs leading up to this rapture. Signs such as floods, tsunamies and earthquakes. The Rapture is discussed in Revelations and these people believe that the Rapture was going to occur soon after this war began and that the apocalypse will take place. The Rapture is where all the good people go to heaven and will return to earth when the apocalypse is over. Then Jesus will come down and they will have peace for 1000 years.
CNN actually interviewed a regular priest who argued that the war going on has nothing to do with the apocalypse but was because humans were responsible for this problem. Yes someone speaking rational thoughts. Mmmmm rational thoughts.

Anyways, don't these Rapture believers realize that you have to be dead in order to go to heaven?

Update

Greetings and Salutations Homosapiens,

As previously mentioned I have planned to shave my hair and donate it for cancer patients for Labour Day weekend. I have to delay this plan as the minimum hair length is 10 inches. My hair is layered so parts of it are 8 inches whereas other parts are 9 inches. Unless my hair can grow 2 inches in 4 weeks, this plan will have to be delayed. I will either wait until next Labour day or just wait a couple of months and get my hairdresser to do it.

It's raining terrorists.
Hallelujah.
It's raining terrorists. Every specimen.
Tall, blonde, dark and lean.
Rough and tough and strong and mean.

Whatever

I'm noticing that I'm saying whatever more then I should. Really how much is too much? I say it several times a day. So many things in life are not worth caring about so... whatever. I consider myself fairly articulate and so because I use the word whatever frequently, it makes me seem less articulate. But I honestly do not care to always be articulate. It's work and damn it I have a right to be linguistically inadequate occasionally.

My whole issue may possibly be a sign of my regression back into the teen years where excessive use of whatever was prevalent. I may unconsciously be yearning to go back to an earlier period of my life where I wasn't faced with the task of being a full adult and therefore my use of whatever is symbolic of my unwillingness to accept my entrance into adulthood.

Whatever.

I'm melting

Damn you bloody heat!
Damn you to bloody hell!

It's hot, bloody hot. There's a heat warning. Great time for economists and politicians to push that whole global warming issue.

Anyways, I'm announcing that I plan on shaving my head bald for Labour Day weekend. What is motivating me you might ask? I've never been bald in my life and probably never will. It will be an experience. My hair grows fast too so it'll probably take 6 months before my head looks presentable. What's 6 months of looking a little weird in comparion to my possible lifespan of 85 years?

In my study group, we finished reading Anthroposophical Leading Thoughts. Usually in the summer we'll do art like paint. Last year we did the Platonic solids using clay. Or we'll read random lectures. I started reading some Steiner again. I haven't really been reading much of his work for several months. I've only sporadically been summarizing the chapters of Philosoophy of Freedom. I've been focused on other things. It's good to get back into my own personal study. I read other books all the time but I always find his work to be more stimulating and challenging.

I went to the library last week and saw one of those women who's wearing that religious outfit where their entire face is covered, except for their eyes. I forget what they are called. I am not threatened by seeing people wearing that but when I see a woman like that, it upsets me. I see that outfit as a symbol of female repression and as anti-female. If you want to wear a head covering, I don't care, go for it. But I just don't see how this extreme behaviour of covering your face has anything to do with being humble. Let's be honest and real. Some religions are sexist and unfortunately there are still countries that see women as sub-humans. Maybe this woman naively believes that she's being humble but maybe she doesn't realize she looks and is treated like a second class citizen. I'd like to have the courage to start a conversation with someone like that to see where they are coming from.

I saw this program about a Muslim community on a local station several months ago. The Mosque must have been in Mississauga but it was discussing how women aren't being treated equally in this Mosque... which is in Canada! You would think here in Canada the Muslims would be more evolved but this group in Mississauga seems to be one big old boys club. The Mosque had built a separate room for the women and they no longer felt part of this community. The documentary also featured some other Mosque I believe in Alberta. No where in the Koran it said women had to be treated like this. I believe it did say the women were to be behind the men during prayer but not that they had to be in a separate room. The men's behaviour was extremely childish. I don't know why these women tolerate this. The men just really wanted to keep the women out. It was ridiculous the sexism that is pervasive in that religion. I find many religions to be sexist anyways. I don't support any organization that doesn't give women the respect they deserve. I don't care if you are Muslim, Catholic, whatever. Most religions teach that being loving and respectful to others is what is important. Human egos create all these other ridiculous rules that end up taking people further away from the 2 simple truths of love yourself and love others.

Less of Me

Greetings and Salutations,

I have been working out with kettlebells since June 29th. It's a unique exercise tool that looks like a cannon ball with a handle. I've been using a 26 lb kettlebell. I got a dvd entitled From Russia With Tough Love for a Femme Fatale along with the kb. I got it at this site where I also purchased a qigong video. I decided to try it because it sounds really efficient for a workout. It combines cardio and strength training. I actually sweat when I do use this tool. I've lost an inch on my hips and for me, losing there has always been difficult. My goals are basically to get more upper body strength and tighten my hips and inner thighs.
The site's products I find are slightly overpriced but there are not many kettlebell resource sites on the internet. I did find one site that sells the kettlebell for much cheaper. I will probably buy a second from that site and hopefully it's good quality.

I have spent about 20 minutes, 2 to 3 times a week exercising. That's what I like about using this. It's efficient and I get a good workout. I hate working out so I like knowing that I don't have to put in alot of time and the workout does require that I concentrate. I've never been of fan of mindless exercise and I find my kb challenging. It also utilizes many of the muscles during an exercise. I definitely feel that it's better to do exercises that demand that all of you is involved rather than isolating certain parts like many exercise machines do. Here are some links to amuse yourself.

Wikipedia Definition
A kettlebell company
Cheaper kettlebells

Oh yeah, I am in no way affiliated with these sites.

Run me over

Greetings and Salutations,

Yesterday was a lovely day. Quite bloody humid. Plus my car broke down on my way home from work. There was a problem with the car on Friday and that battery light came on. My father got a new battery but that light was still on when I went out on Sunday. I'm taking the QEW highway home and suddenly all my gauges go to zero. This is probably around the bridge area. I was on the highway like this for 5 minutes and then my exit comes and by the time the exit comes up, I notice that I can't accelerate anymore. So around the lovely curve I go as I exit off the highway and it was a bitch to turn that steering wheel. My car was slowly decelerating and then it stopped going. I couldn't pull over so I ended up blocking the lane. I was quite pissed because my father let me drive this car. I got out of the car and started walking. I didn't have a cellphone but 5 minutes from my car, I saw someone had pulled over and he let me use his cellphone. I called our lovely CAA and the guy called the police because he was concerned it would get hit. He was kind enough to drive me back around to my car. Karma points for you Mr. I don't know your name. I struck up a conversation with him as well. I also chatted with the tow truck man. I was surprised by my chattiness. The whole situation amused me. The last time I had to pull over my car was during a really bad snow storm. I find it ironic (is this irony?) that I have had to pull my car over during extreme weather days, like it's either bloody hot or freaking snowing a lot. The situation didn't really bother me. Sure it was an annoyance and I was pissed for about 2 minutes but I was cool after that.
Anyways, the problem was with the alternator.

I never understood this whole idea about chicks who enjoy dating the 'bad boy'. Is this true? Do guys know of girls who enjoyed dating bad boys or is this some sort of mythical dating propaganda? I don't really like dating bad boys. I have this low tolerance for jerks. I might have gone out with someone who was 1/4 jerk and insensitive but they had at least enough qualities to redeem them.

Happy Anniversary!

I'm celebrating my 7th year anniversary studying the philosophy known as Anthroposophy. I don't know the exact date that I started but I do know I started around the end of June or July so today I'll celebrate this anniversary. I think 7 years is important and I feel I have ended a cycle of my life. A new cycle will begin for me. Not now of course, after the summer. I'm in chill mode now. I couldn't stress about my future if I tried.

I changed my picture in my profile. I'm not going for the messiahic look or anything. It's a nice picture that I took of myself by myself.

It's hot out and it's humid. I'm choosing to stay indoors.

World Cup and the Italians Rant

Okay. Let me start out by saying my parents are both Italians and so that means it's okay for me to be derogatory towards Italians. (or this is just my own excuse)
Anyways, I decided on Saturday night to use that window paint on my car. Well actually it's not paint it's more like this coloured washable polish. My parents have been busy cleaning up the garage and so they found this box of paint polish I got from this place I uased to work at 3 years ago. I was inspired to paint the car windows since we had 3 colours: white, green and red, which happen to be the Italian flag colours. So I paint on the side windows so as not to obstruct my view. I did the other side and then I was inspired to write (because hey I enjoy writing. I'm not really a graphically inclined individual) and so I did. I wrote Italians do it better and then on the left bottom bumper I write Eh! because hey, I'm a patriotic Canadian. Then I felt like writing on the right bumper Bush U suck ass. My dad saw what I did and got upset at me and he stated that I shouldn't mix politics with sports. I almost felt 'bad' for insulting the US president but that quickly went away. All my happy feelings of self expression disapated due to that comment. Who wouldn't want to be supporting a sports team and criticize a politician at the same time? It's efficient.
I chose to wash the Italian flags the next day because I realized that I actually didn't care about this whole World Cup thing anyways. My writing was gone so my parents probably washed that off.
I know I'm 27 and I'm getting reprimanded for expressing myself?
Loki is untameable!

I actually thought Italy was going to lose. Why? Because Italians can be little pussys. I thought they'd lose and then complain how it was fixed and how there were people who didn't want them to win.

I had to go to my study group and there was traffic and I had to drive around these fans so that I could get to where I needed to go. Not everyone driving was celebrating Italy winning and some of us actually had to use the road to drive. I know crazy isn't it?

I saw people who didn't look Italian celebrating in cars. I should know because I can usually spot Italians from non-Italians. It's like gay-dar, only it would apply for spotting similar nationalities. Like nationality-dar. I think these people really just wanted to drive up and down the city to honk their horn and just needed some excuse. They probably had a France flag in handy just in case France won.

I actually harbour some dislike towards Italians in general. I don't understand this whole celebrating my cultural ethnicity. I was born and raised in Canada and so I can only muster up feelings for Canada and not for Italy. My parents play the Italian music at home (among other music), they speak Italian 35-40% of the time, we eat pasta, my mother uses plastic to cover the furniture. Clearly I've been influenced by the Italian culture but I don't have any interest or romantic feelings towards the country. I'm also a first generation Canadian. I don't romanticize Italy. I've only been there once but I really don't identify with the country.

I like the term paesano (which means country man. Paesana is the feminin). I've called a couple of people my paesano but that's because it sounds good and I like the word as well.

Giving Up Thinking

Greetings and Salutations Earthlings,

I am officially giving up Thinking.
It's the summer and I have decided to abandon all activities related to thinking. That means for me, no more introspection. No more analyzing. No more caring.
It means I'm giving birth to a new me. A more shallower me.

I am pleased with my decision and feel that it is time for me to give up thinking.
I may get back with thinking in the fall but for now we have chosen to go our own separate ways so that we can work on our own separate solo careers.

I bid adieu Thinking.
Fare thee well!

Pessimism and the summer

Well the summer is officially here. I'm generally not a fan of the summer, particularly in this area because it gets so humid and I don't really like humidity.

I started working out last week with kettlebells. Actually I just own one and it's a 26 pounder. I thought I'd use it to complement my qigong practice and gain some strength. I got this dvd called From Russia with Tough Love: Kettlebell exercises for a femme fatale. Kettlebells were apparently popular in Russia. I've only been doing half of the exercises on the dvd because the 26 pounder is heavy. They are not like dumbells but look like a cannonball with a handle. I was sweating quite a bit during my last workout and I usually don't sweat. My legs were quite sore as well.

I'm almost finished summarizing my Philosophy of Freedom and am on Chapter 13. There are 14 chapters in the book. This chapther is quite lengthy but it is worth reading it because it discusses the value of life and deals with the question of optimism versus pessimism. I think for myself, I consider myself fairly optimistic but I wasn't always that way and was more pessimistic. I think many people believe that being pessimistic is more realistic then being optimistic. But I have come to see that the more realistic an individual is, the more optimistic they will be. I have realized that pessimism is a result of irrationalism. Optimism isn't about pretending everything is all skittles and sunshine. I think to truly be optimistic, one has to really struggle internally. I know for myself, the pessimism and negativity I have overcome within myself has been a result of great struggle. I still consider myself pessimistic in certain areas.

I stopped doing my mantra disciplines about 2 weeks ago. I normally like to finish what I start but I just had to take a break and reevaluate what I'm doing. You would think chanting would be easy but it's not. The more I kept doing them, the more impatient I was getting and I kept getting more frustrated and thinking that it's not helping. So I'm going to take a much needed break from mantra meditation.
I got this new cd program that teaches a pranayama breathing technique. It's used for cleaning out the aura and it's some sort of bellow breathing technique. It's actually simple but I find it hard to sustain the breathing style. There's a lot of praise for this cd and it's a cd program from Thomas Ashley-Farrand from sanskritmantra.com and so I generally tend to like his work.

I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith last night. I don't really find Angelina very attractive. It's those lips. They just look too big. My friend seems to like them because he imagines how good they might feel if she were going down on him. I tried to explain to him that a good blow job has nothing to do with a person's lips. Most lips are pursed anyways when going down. Angelina would only have the advantage when going up the shaft. A good blow job is dependent on good hand mouth synchronization and good tongue action. If Angelina is good at blow jobs, it's not because of her lips it's because she would have good technique.

I think if Angelina would meet me, she would fall for me and desire to have sex with me. I would have to turn her down because I'm not attracted to her and generally am not attracted to women. I think Angelina would find me mysterious and would be attracted to me because I'm a thinker and she seems like someone who might be interested in philosophical ideas.

Happy Canada Day

Happy Canada Day. Today we Canadians celebrate our nations birth. Our country is 139 years old.
Bring out the beer!

Paranoia

I've been having to encounter many different personalities due to a new job that I have. Some people I'm noticing are mildly paranoid. It got me thinking about the nature of people whom are paranoid. It's pretty clear to me that the roots of paranoia is egoism. It's some weird combination of fear and ego mixed together. For a paranoid person, everyone is out to get them or someone is out to make their life difficult. They seem to possess this myopic sense of self. What is so special about you and about information that you possess that would make someone go out of their way to get it? Yes there are some people who actually have valuable access to info and probably need to possess a certain amount of discrimination towards whom they are to open up to. But realistically most people are nobody important. There are billions of people on this planet. What makes you so sure that you are the one being targeted?

Google for your soul

My meditation disciplines are going well. Lots of soul searching. Everyone seems to be doing interesting things for the summer like going to Ireland or to the East Coast. But no not me, I am chooseing to explore my inner world and my soul. This is the sucky part of undergoing meditation disciplines. It requires a great deal of introspection and it is a lot of work. So I was thinking that it would be nice if someone invented a search engine for the soul. The world needs an inner google so that we can quickly sift through our inner issues quickly and efficiently.

I got a call today from one of the owners of the agency and he wanted to know about my pay situation. I told him about it and about the letter I wrote and about how my problem was with the manager/owner and not the staffing consultant and how she told me she got pulled aside. I was glad to have them phone me back. I hope this manager gets in shit because that psycho deserves it. I filed a complaint with the government about their violation of the Employment Act so I basically don't care about the situation anymore. I got my money. I filed my complaints. I followed through on my letter that I sent to them.

I was reading my local paper this morning and was reading an article by a regular columnist. He ususally does humour type columns and he mentioned 2 of my passions; Steiner and improv. If I were paranoid and mentally unstable, I would probably think he was directing this article to me and speaking in code. It was a column about raising kids and how there are always these theories that get put out on how to raise your kids.

I finished reading this book on cults by Margaret Thaler Singer entitled Cults in our Midst. It talks about how they operate and some psychological tactics they use to get people involved. They are highly deceptive. Many people wonder how someone would get sucked in but this book explains how it is usually done. Usually cults are very nice to you and at first they do no coerce you. Eventually through their psychological tactics they make people dependent on them. They also recruit people with social status such as doctors and lawyers because if people see that intelligent people are apart of it, then it can't be that bad.

I began contemplating whether my interest in antroposophy could be considered cultish. I've contemplated this before I think it's important to review and critique the activities that you do in life. Many cults tend to register as a church so they can evade taxes. I don't think anthroposophy is recognized as a 'church'. I don't think during Steiner's time, there was that status. I don't think he really profited from all the lecturing he did. I wikkied Steiner and they seemed to have a good description of his work. It's a philosophy and he would state that you have to question and think. Many cults advocate no thinking but he clearly argues and discussing the necessity of thinking and devotes much thought to thinking about thinking, which is what Philosophy of Freedom deals with. He also discusses how an interest in spirituality should not get in the way of doing your earthly tasks. So if you have a job and children and friends, an interest in anthroposophy should not make you slack off in these areas.

There are some critiques mainly from people in the US about the Waldorf system and how they believe anthroposophy is being taught in the schools and is therefore a religion. (this is completely untrue. Anthroposophy is specifically not meant to be discussed to children.)It has to do with how certain schools got public funding. The situation is different up here in Canada so I can't really explain well but there is stuff on the net. This group of people had their own online group and I might have joined for 2 weeks but they were quite full of venom and hatred. They were distorting so much about the Waldorf system. I'm all for challenging and questioning ideas, especially anthroposophy but if you're going to act like your beliefs are so right and you're not willing to rethink some of your ideas and listen to other people's perspective, then we can't have a useful dialogue. I see very little point in discussing things with people like that because whatever their issue is, it is clearly an emotional issue and rational thought will do no good.

For me, I enjoy reading his lectures and books. It's pleasurable for me. I'm interested in spiritual ideas and he's not the only person I've read. In my youth I was interested in other religions. I just have a preference for his work. I will continue to explore my own spiritual nature and I guess that anthroposophy is just one piece of my spiritual toolkit. Anyways, I feel like I have to justify my interest but I really shouldn't. I am what I am, I do what I do and that's that!

Temp News

Greetings and salutations,

I have managed to solve my financial dilemna with the temp agency. I don't really want to go too much into it. I ended up having to call the head office and told them that I didn't get paid. The agency is a franchise so the head office at least has some interest in making sure the offices aren't causing too much trouble. I called the head office after speaking with the owner of the agency and again she just didn't seem to really get the concept that I was wronged and that I should get money in some form. I ended up speaking with a staffing consultant after I called the head office and we had agreed that I would get a certificate. Now I never bothered calling the head office again to let them know that we had agreed on a certificate for the mall but I found out on Monday that this staffing consultant was pulled aside for this problem. I spoke to her and she felt like I went behind her back. Unfortunately I never had a problem with her. She has always been nice. I felt like the head office should know about this incident regardless so I didn't bother calling them back. It's unfortunate that she got in trouble because it was really the owner that should have gotten in trouble. I don't know what happened to the owner and if the owner got in trouble.

I am not sure if I should call the head office again and let them know how much trouble the owner was giving me and how I had to send a letter. This staffing consultant shouldn't have gotten flak but I don't know if I should tell the head office. I also should have told the head office that my pay stubs were missing for quite some time and that they violated section 12 of the Employment Act and how the owner said that I was wrong even though I spoke to 2 people from the Ministry of Labour.

I filed a complaint with the Ministry of Labour about the section 12 violation and it will probably take a while.
I was contacted by someone from the Guelph agency and they notified me I was getting a paycheque. So I'll have to pick that up.

Any advice on whether I should complain about the owner to the Head office and possibly send them a letter? I don't know. How many other people is this woman pissing off with her ignorant way of conducting business? I asked the staffing consultant if she liked the owner, her boss and she said yes and that she's really nice. I just don't understand why the owner didn't just offer me a certicate in the first place.

I like the idea that I can get this owner in trouble but it would take some effort, mind you a phone call or two. I'm always getting into trouble and offending others, it would be fun to get someone else in trouble for a change.

MVEMSJUNP

I've been practicing my mantra meditations again. I started up a few months ago again after taking a month's break. It felt like longer. It's amazing how a week feels like a month for me. I feel like saying very little as I am deep in my meditations and it always feels like you're some miner or something, plumbing the depths of your soul and thoughts will bubble up or things get murky or you realize how stupid a once held previous belief or idea was. I'm at that stage where it's quiet but it's still digging deeper. I'm just waiting for something to come out, whether it is positive or negative. I've been trying to look for research online on the benefits of mantra meditation but I haven't found anything yet that meets my scientific requirements.

I'm practicing just a couple now. I have 2 main issues I am focusing on. My previous meditation attempts may not have gone as well because I was doing several and that can dilute your efforts. I've read that some disciplines may require the chanting of 125000 repititions to attain mantra siddha. In one book, someone had to do 3 of these to solve his dilema. Another person only did it for 2 weeks. It's all dependent on your particalur karma and so that's why I think for me these 2 issues that I am working on are more stubborn so I am making it a goal to do the 125,000 reps. I might do 3 of these if necessary. I'm going to see how it goes.

It doesn't take me long. I'm setting time in the morning and at night. I'm doing about 21 minutes or 7 rounds of 108, twice daily for my one discipline. The other one involves 2 mantras and I am doing 3 rounds of 108 for both, twice daily. That takes me 9 minutes for the one and 12 for the other. So my minimum meditation time is approximately 84 minutes. It's manageable for me, especially since I do it twice. I'm also keeping track of any extra rounds of 108 that I am doing.

I wonder if mantras are effective because there is really something to the sounds that they produce. I'm doing sanskrit mantras and it is based on the chakra system and that certain sounds stimulate certain parts of the chakras. I also wonder if it helps just because you are saying the same thing over and over.

I can't really say for sure. Because I'm under 28, I cannot use swaha as an ending. Many mantras end in swaha or namaha and if you are under 28, any swaha ending must be changed to namaha. It has to do with the energy of someone under 28 isn't ready for swaha. It might be related to that idea of Saturn making a full solar cycle in 28 years and so a human under 28 hasn't made a full solar cycle. Anyways, my point is that I rebelled because I am a spiritual rebel and I would chant my one mantra that normally ends with swaha instead of changing it to namaha. I might have switched the ending a week into it. I did it for a week but I starting to feel like I really shouldn't and I felt a bit off, like using this ending was too intense for me. Things were more normal when I went back to the namaha ending. But then I decided to try it again because I am impatient in my spiritual pursuits and I had that similar experience of where I was starting to feel it was too intense. I found myself more irritable.

I actually have a mantra program for relationships and there is a mantra for finding a spiritual wife and one for finding a spiritual husband. I want to do the discipline for finding a man but I've got other issues to work on and finding a mate isn't my top priority. The mantra for finding a wife has 13 words in it. Guess how many the mantra to find a husband is? It's only 4 words!

It's common for people in these new age groups to believe that they create their own realities but I have found that I don't have enough wisdom to create my own life. I have to submit my will to a higher will, a more all knowing will. I don't always know what's best for me. I may have a certain direction that I want a discipline to take but I can only do my work and let the universe or god sort out the rest. I don't run the show but I do have control over my life.

Sugar

I'm in the mood for sugar. I am craving sweets right now. I bought some sour candy after my study group. I got those sour sticks, they're like licorice but are coated with sour sugar. I bought 3 packs of the blue raspberry ones and one of the strawberry. My study groups meets in someone's house in Dundas on Sundays and I went to the corner store near the Tim Horton's and apparently on a Sunday night that parking lot is filled with young unproductive teenagers and their cars. I also purchased myself a pack of new candy that I've never had called Warheads. They claim to be extremely sour. They even have a warning label on the back of the package stating "Eating multiple pieces within a short time period may cause a temporary irritation to sensitive tongues and mouths."

Let me give you a review on this product. These were not extreme sour like the package claimed. They give me this nice burst of sourness the very first time I had one but it only lasted for 2 seconds and then it just became a regular candy. If candy were living, I would inject some viagra into this because that's what it needs. It just didn't have the staying power. I'm a 'stayin' power' kind of gal. I'm not into sprinters, I'm into long distance runners. When I had another one, I embraced myself for this quick burst but it didn't seem necessary. I had already become desensitized. So I have one left now.

My other complaint has to do with the fact that the cocksucking manufacturers had to individually wrap each candy. These candies did not need to be individually wrapped. I found this product to be environmentally unfriendly. And I only got 8 of these candies in a bag. They are probably a bit smaller then a Werthers. Put more in the bag and get rid of the excess packaging. This product was imported by TOL/GAF Canada. There's no number that I could contact to complain but I will certainly not endorse this candy.
You are no Willy Wonka!

I have a wedding to go to this Saturday. It's my second cousin I believe. He's about 3 years younger then me. In my family there have been many weddings since 2000 since everyone was starting to hit their mid 20s or early 30s. There's probably a few more that will get married in the next few years and then there will be another draught. Weddings seem to be cyclical. My relative who's getting married is a cop and he apparently invited some cop friends to his stag and so maybe some of them will show up at the wedding and possibly be hot and single. My relative and his future wife went to my high school as well so I wonder if there will be people from my high school. I had 2 other second cousins go to the same high school but they never said hi to me but this relative did. He's a pretty nice person. I always had this sense of sadness for their family situation since their dad died when they were young. The father died in 1997, so my relative was around 15. And their mother has MS and she's had that for probably over 10 years. She's bed ridden as well. So his parents won't make it for the wedding. I think they had to grow up a bit faster as well and did not enjoy their youth as much since they had to help their mother.

I had this dream that some people I knew were on the Dr. Phil show. One person there I knew didn't really like Dr. Phil. I was sending them an email saying I saw them on the Dr. Phil show but then I realized that this was a dream and so I didn't need to email them.

This man I know was interested in me going on a date with his son. I don't really like this man to begin with as he's quite paranoid. So if I think he's a loonie toon, why would I want to date his son? He showed me a picture of his son. The son looked quite old for his age. And he's 18. I told this man that I'm not interested in dating an 18 year old. He said his son was mature for his age. 18 year olds are so 2005. If I were to go out with this 18 year old who looks like he's 30, people would think he's the 27 year old and I'm the 18 year old.

I find it disturbing that a father would even attempt to get his son a date. This man asked for my number a long time ago so we could keep in touch but he's old and paranoid and gives me the willies. I thought he had a thing for me so that's why this whole 'date my son' creeps me out. I thought at first maybe he made up this whole idea that he had a son but it appears his son really does exist.

Another thing that disturbs me are arranged marriages. I found out someone I knew is having an arranged marriage in a few weeks. She's Muslim and her father is a priest or whatever the equivalent is for Muslims. I feel incredibly sorry for her. Her father is very strict. She's a nice girl but she has no will of her own. I understand the idea that the parents want what's best and probably 'know' what kind of a person would make a suitable marriage partner. I understand the idea that these people learn to love each other. It's whacked. It's such an archaic concept. I've read in magazine that it worked out for the couples and they were happy. Well many people who've been captured by kidnappers show great love towards their captors eventually and are even reluctant to leave. I don't understand these people. They enjoy having others dictate their life for them. They enjoy being a slave. I don't understand that. It's so beyond me. I consider myself pretty strong willed and I can't imagine having anyone tell me what to do. I'm open to listening to people but in the end it's up to me.

I think a better transition for this community would be that the parents have some sort of contest where suitors vie for their daughter's hand in marriage, like in American Idol. And the parents and their daughter can be judges.

This whole idea just gets me extremely angry. I get angry at religion and angry at these weak willed people who can't stand up for themselves. I get angry that people look to others for approval and can't direct their own lives. I don't like religion because it makes people complacent. I don't like how people just exist and don't have a clue on how to live.

I'm going to have to buy myself a dress for this wedding I have on the 3rd. I need a dress that says I'm classy but I'll put out on the second date. This relative of mine is about 3 or 4 years younger then me and he went to my high school. I wonder if he will invite any of his friends.

Le shower

I went to the bridal shower this afternoon. I'm not really a fan of events like these but it gives me a chance to socialize with my relatives and people watch. They gave us names of famous women or female characters. My mother was Christina Applegate and I was Marge Simpson. They gave out door prizes. Our table won this one contest where we do a scavenger list of the items in our purse. The list was quite long. I'm a minimalist so I keep the basics in my purse. Our table came in second and we might have missed 2 items. We didn't have nail polish. My mother had 4 items on the list and mainly supplied all the religious items that were on the list. She had a rosary in her purse and a picture of a saint. Other items on the list included a nail file, a stamp, American money, hand lotion, zip lock bags and a bunch of other stuff. I contributed nothing. I'm thinking who would carry all this stuff in their purse? Women are strange creatures! All I got in my purse is gum, tissues, my wallet, a mini notebook and pens.

There was this one game where someone from the table had to draw the future bride and they had to wear these silly glasses. I didn't do the drawing as drawing is not a strongpoint for me but I liked the glasses and decided to keep them. They may come in handy in the future. My hair is messy in this picture. Here is a picture of me afterwards with these special glasses.


The doorprizes I got include coasters and a manicure set. We got to pick from a table. There were lots of candles and by the time I got to win something, all the good prizes were taken. Some of these things were ornamental and I am definitely not a fan of candles. I like getting things I can use. I'm not a knicknack person. I know at least in the future I might possibly use coasters. The end was the best part because that was the chance to take home the cookies. These aren't storebought cookies, these are homemade cookies and some of them are deee-licious. Most of the cookies they had were cookies I didn't like but I mainly focused on getting chocolate type cookies.

There was this one type of dessert there that my mother used to always make when I was a child and it was a favourite of mine. I haven't had or seen this dessert for many, many years. They are called peaches and one side contained chocolate creme and the other contained vanilla. Ever since I've been improvising, some objects that I will encounter in my day, I will perceive them as something else. There's an exercise where we take an ordinary object and then pretend it's something else. Because I've done that exercise so many times, it is automatic for me to look at something and then imagine it as something else. So when I saw this peach dessert, it just looked like an ass. You know when you watch a porn and there's that scene where the woman bends over and gets it up the ass? Yeah you know what I'm talking about because every porn has that standard 'fuck her up the ass' shot. Yeah that's what I thought of when I saw this dessert. So here's a picture I took of the dessert. Does it look like porn ass or what?

The Karma of Getting Laid

I actually have 2 prospects that I have been lusting over this past week. It is great. My mind has been continuously looping a tape about a certain ex of mine featuring thoughts as such "I still have feelings for you" and "Will we ever hook up in the future?" and now that tape has been thrown into the garbage and replaced with a wonderful dvd featuring new prospects. Clips include prospects throwing me up against the wall and throwing one into me. Ah yes nothing like new prospects to help you to move forward in your love life.

I haven't had a chance to talk with these prospects and I am slightly nervous to make an approach. My new dating plan that I implemented a few months ago was that if a guy was really interested in me, he would make an effort to ask me out. This was based on the book He's Just Not into You. My days of chasing dick are over. If a man really wants me, then he would do what it takes to ask me out.

So I'm thinking do I abandon this new dating plan and go for the men? I should at least make conversation. That really should be all that I am willing to do. I have already conversed briefly with one but don't see him often. My interaction with the other prospect just involves making eye contact(which he seems to reciprocate) and polite smiles. But someone must speak! This is what I dislike about meeting new people. Some days it's easy for me to take charge and ask who they are and their name and their interests and tell them about myself and other times I am just too filled with fear in taking that first step in connecting with someone socially.

It all seems so much like being in high school. I don't know if these prospects have women. They might. They might assume I have a boyfriend. Maybe they believe that it is now women who make the move in starting a relationship.

I think there's way too much dating 'experts' and people that provide advice on this whole dating experience. I tried reading some stuff by some guy named Christian Carter but I can hardly stomach any dating advice. Some of it is useful but they just complicate things. As a woman I'm told I need to control my emotions and if I'm having feelings for a guy, I have to do it in a certain way otherwise it will frighten the man. He'll perceive me as emotionally out of control if I don't try to establish that we have a serious relationship in a certain way.
I've also read the advice for men and again the same technique is used. Woman are blah blah blah and you have to be act this way and say this to be successful.

It reminds of me of kids on a playground and 2 friends are having some fight and there's one person who is the mediator who is going back and forth between these arguing friends and this mediator is the one that is really perpetuating the fight and confusing both sides and making up all sorts of nonsense just to alienate them from each other even more, for their own selfish amusement.

For years I've been sticking with the plan that I'm going to be myself and be honest to myself about myself and it has been working well for me. I'm sticking with this plan for expressing myself as I see fit and doing what I think is right. I'm sticking with this plan to trust my own inner guidance and instincts.

I don't want to continue my rant with the dating advice industry. I am happy to have new prospects to lust over and think unholy thoughts about.

I have 2 weddings that I will be attending this year. There's actually 3 relatives that are getting married but one of them I didn't get invited to and it's probably because there's so many other relatives for them to invite. Tomorrow I have a bridal shower to attend. I know that there's going to be lots of Italian cookies and other baked goodies. This young lady's brother got married 2 years ago and I attended that bridal shower and there was a plethora of cookies. I had to leave early because I had to attend a baby shower the same day. Italian weddings are really the best. You know Italians are going to do weddings right and have the good food and desert. You know the Italians are going to do it in a nice banquet hall not some cheap unclassy place. Tomorrow I will gorge.

Ben Stiller

I saw the movie Meet the Parents on television a few weeks ago and Ben Stiller was in it. I never found him attractive. I remember seeing him when he had his own tv series and in Zoolander. But for some reason, I found myself oddly attracted to this man while watching this movie. I don't know, it was something in his eyes that I found myself drawn to. I found his eyes to be piercing, to be magnetic. I know he's married, so I'm going to try and keep my lust to a minimum.

Lilipoh

I've been told that I look innocent. I've been told that I'm hot. I'm completely oblivious to certain aspects of my appearance. I know I have a decent figure because I make it a priority to have an active lifestyle. But I have this weird relationship with my face. I never really considered my face to be attractive. I always saw it as having a weirdness to it and maybe on occasion I would use my face in a pretty way. In my youth, I would enjoy declaring my hotness. I didn't really think I was hot or that I wasn't hot but just saying I was hot made me feel good. I noticed one day when someone asked me how I was and I said that I wasn't doing good, it made me feel worse. When asked by someone else another time how I was doing, I said I felt excellent, even though I wasn't. I actually felt better. In a sense I was lying but lying made me feel good and my lie became a truth. Was I really lying?
I'm not a fan of lying. If I feel like crap, then that's how I feel. If I don't like you then that's how I feel. But does my declaring these things make it a truth? Am I just expressing a feeling that has the potential to change? I don't really know where this is going but I find that it's an interesting observation.

I actually started getting laser hair removal done. I'm getting my pits, bikini and full leg done. This place had the best prices for laser so I'm glad about that. I can't use silk epil anymore, which is an electric hair remover, that pulls the hair out by the root. It's not painful. I've also used Nads and then the silk epil to get the miscellaneous hairs. It's too time consuming. I'm the perfect candidate for laser. I'm light skinned with dark hair. It's nice to know that being a hairy Canadian of Italian parents is finally going to pay off for me. I need to go every 5 weeks. In 4 to 6 treatments I should see a significiant reduction.

I've also been having some craniosacral therapy sessions. I've been mocked as it's an alternative therapy. I'm a pragmatist by nature. I like theory to a degree but I'm always willing to try something once for the experience. I read the theory behind cranio and it doesn't make sense so maybe these people need to come up with a different theory. I find it to be enjoyable and have 3 sessions. My next one is next Wednesday. With my yoga and qigong practice, I noticed my body feeling progressively lighter and fluid but for some reason my head always felt tense. My head has always felt a certain disconnected from me and my body. My head has been feeling more open. On my second session, I heard this big pop in my head but the cranio lady wasn't able to hear it. It wasn't that she missed it because it was pretty loud to me but the sound was probably only heard by me. My last one my head felt extremely warm. It didn't feel this warm in previous sessions. I notice a difference. Before I started, I began placing my hands on various areas on my face and head and focusing on releasing tension. I think I need a few more sessions.

After my last craniosacral session, I suddenly felt like working on Steiner's Philosophy of Freedom later on in the day. My study group began studying it in September 2004 and we had a guest come over who has done a course at the Steiner Centre about this book. He suggested we summarize each paragraph as a study method. We did that and it was quite challenging. It was worth it though because it really forces you to try and understand what he is trying to say in each paragraph. It really exercises and disciplines the thinking faculty. I enjoy my group because everyone knows how to get along and there isn't alot of ego there so I found it to be amazing that a handful of adults could gather together and work on creating short paragraph summaries on a book that can be quite hard at times. Anyways, we weren't sure if we could continue with this method so we ended up stoping after the first section, which was about 7 chapters. The remaining 7 chapters we decided to read through. So I saw someone in my group continued to do her own summaries of each paragraph and I decided that I would do the same. I got up to chapter 9. I started working on it again after 1 year. I didn't know that's how long ago it was that I worked on it.

Philosophy of Freedom is the kind of book that takes about 5-10 years to really digest and process the concepts. I first read the book on my own 7 years ago. The first 2 times I read it, it made very little sense to me but after reading it again a couple of more times over the years, I really began to see how wonderful it was. It's quite easy to work with the book now. It's always funny to me when I meet someone who is just beginning to get interested in Steiner and they tell me they've read POF and don't understand it. Of course you're not going to get it right away, it takes practice to get used to what he is trying to say. You'll get it eventually.

I finished knitting the back of my sweater and it isn't large enough for me. My mother made me use a needle that was 2 mm smaller because she thought it would be okay and she didn't have the right size. Now it turns out I'll have to redo all of my work, which is upsetting for me because these last few days I've done doing lots of work on it because I wanted to spend a month for each part (front,back,2 arms). I guess I'll have fun destroying and unwinding it.

I sent out a letter to this temp agency that I've worked for. I've worked with them for several years. They didn't pay me for a shift back on August 30, 2005. I wasn't able to keep proper track of my hours because they misplaced several of my paystubs. I called them in January once I finally got all my stubs. I called a few weeks later to see if it's been resolved and I find out that the person I spoke to about my wage issue no longer works there. I still continued calling the agency and asking if this was resolved but no one got back to me. A few weeks ago the manager offered me to work at this one place and she would offer me Tim Horton gift certificate to make up for the lost wages. I wasn't interested and I'm certainly not going to accept Tim Horton certificates because I don't even go there often! So I spoke to the Ministry of Labour and this company violated Section 12 of the Employment Standard Act which is that they failed to give me my paystubs on time. I also found out that the government investigates on your behalf if you have a wage problem, for up to 6 months. Well the agency gives me this offer after 6 months and so it's too late for me to take it to the government.
So my letter stated that I'd file a complaint against them for violating Section 12, which will result in a fine and that I would take them to civil court if this issue was not done in a swift and timely manner. I was quite disgusted how they avoided my problem and kept putting it off. I hope that this gets resolved because I don't want to take this to court but I will because that's a day's pay and it's just wrong for someone to work and not get paid for it. I'm also going to let their Head Office know. I'm expecting to hear from them this week so what I'll do next is dependent on how they respond to my letter.
If there's one thing I won't tolerate is people committing a crime like this and being so immoral and wrong. I won't stand for injustices like this. They decided to screw over the wrong person.

I have evidence as well. I wrote in my journal that I was scheduled for 3 days and they cancelled my August 30 shift only to call me on August 30 to work for someone in rework. Normally I was in the printing or moulding departments but that day they had me work for someone else. The company said that I didn't work that day so I told the agency in the letter to speak with this person whom I worked for as she is the one who needs to be held accountable.

I know this sounds kinda lame but I'm going to go 'street' on you all.

These people are gonna go down and anyone that fucking messes with me is gonna go down. You don't mess me with me cause I'll fucking take you down. I've been disrespected and I'm going to put these mother fuckers back in their place.
Let that be a lesson to y'all who fucking think your better then me. You screw me over, I'll never forget. I'll write you off like a tax deductible. You mess with me I'll tear your fucking organs out and feed them to orphans.

So hopefully everything works out okay.

Wow, I am so glad now that I can quantify my selfishness. Note the sarcasm.

You Are 27% Selfish

In general, you are a very giving person who treats others very well. But at times, you insist on getting your way - when it matters most to you.

How Selfish Are You?

My Puss-say Cat

Here are some pictures of my cat Sally. We got her 10 years ago at the SPCA. I believe in love at first sight because when I saw Sally, I knew that she was the one I wanted. She is so beautiful. I tell her everyday that I love her and that she is beautiful. I never tire of saying it.
She doesn't feeel the same way I do about her. She is one of those aloof cats and isn't really affectionate. She hates people as well. She hisses at my 2 brothers who come over every Sunday. She hasn't registered the fact that they are apart of the family even though they don't live here.
I find my cat incredibly sexy. If I were a male cat, I would totally want to get it on with her. She just oozes a sexualness when she walks. However, I Paula, the human would never seriously consider getting it on with her. First of all, she's a cat. Secondly she's a female and I'm not into the whole girl-on-girl thing and finally, Sally wouldn't give me that emotional attention and affection that for me is very important to have in a relationship.

Anyways, here's Sally, the love of my life. Gosh, isn't she so fucking beautiful! And hot!