Temp News

Greetings and salutations,

I have managed to solve my financial dilemna with the temp agency. I don't really want to go too much into it. I ended up having to call the head office and told them that I didn't get paid. The agency is a franchise so the head office at least has some interest in making sure the offices aren't causing too much trouble. I called the head office after speaking with the owner of the agency and again she just didn't seem to really get the concept that I was wronged and that I should get money in some form. I ended up speaking with a staffing consultant after I called the head office and we had agreed that I would get a certificate. Now I never bothered calling the head office again to let them know that we had agreed on a certificate for the mall but I found out on Monday that this staffing consultant was pulled aside for this problem. I spoke to her and she felt like I went behind her back. Unfortunately I never had a problem with her. She has always been nice. I felt like the head office should know about this incident regardless so I didn't bother calling them back. It's unfortunate that she got in trouble because it was really the owner that should have gotten in trouble. I don't know what happened to the owner and if the owner got in trouble.

I am not sure if I should call the head office again and let them know how much trouble the owner was giving me and how I had to send a letter. This staffing consultant shouldn't have gotten flak but I don't know if I should tell the head office. I also should have told the head office that my pay stubs were missing for quite some time and that they violated section 12 of the Employment Act and how the owner said that I was wrong even though I spoke to 2 people from the Ministry of Labour.

I filed a complaint with the Ministry of Labour about the section 12 violation and it will probably take a while.
I was contacted by someone from the Guelph agency and they notified me I was getting a paycheque. So I'll have to pick that up.

Any advice on whether I should complain about the owner to the Head office and possibly send them a letter? I don't know. How many other people is this woman pissing off with her ignorant way of conducting business? I asked the staffing consultant if she liked the owner, her boss and she said yes and that she's really nice. I just don't understand why the owner didn't just offer me a certicate in the first place.

I like the idea that I can get this owner in trouble but it would take some effort, mind you a phone call or two. I'm always getting into trouble and offending others, it would be fun to get someone else in trouble for a change.

MVEMSJUNP

I've been practicing my mantra meditations again. I started up a few months ago again after taking a month's break. It felt like longer. It's amazing how a week feels like a month for me. I feel like saying very little as I am deep in my meditations and it always feels like you're some miner or something, plumbing the depths of your soul and thoughts will bubble up or things get murky or you realize how stupid a once held previous belief or idea was. I'm at that stage where it's quiet but it's still digging deeper. I'm just waiting for something to come out, whether it is positive or negative. I've been trying to look for research online on the benefits of mantra meditation but I haven't found anything yet that meets my scientific requirements.

I'm practicing just a couple now. I have 2 main issues I am focusing on. My previous meditation attempts may not have gone as well because I was doing several and that can dilute your efforts. I've read that some disciplines may require the chanting of 125000 repititions to attain mantra siddha. In one book, someone had to do 3 of these to solve his dilema. Another person only did it for 2 weeks. It's all dependent on your particalur karma and so that's why I think for me these 2 issues that I am working on are more stubborn so I am making it a goal to do the 125,000 reps. I might do 3 of these if necessary. I'm going to see how it goes.

It doesn't take me long. I'm setting time in the morning and at night. I'm doing about 21 minutes or 7 rounds of 108, twice daily for my one discipline. The other one involves 2 mantras and I am doing 3 rounds of 108 for both, twice daily. That takes me 9 minutes for the one and 12 for the other. So my minimum meditation time is approximately 84 minutes. It's manageable for me, especially since I do it twice. I'm also keeping track of any extra rounds of 108 that I am doing.

I wonder if mantras are effective because there is really something to the sounds that they produce. I'm doing sanskrit mantras and it is based on the chakra system and that certain sounds stimulate certain parts of the chakras. I also wonder if it helps just because you are saying the same thing over and over.

I can't really say for sure. Because I'm under 28, I cannot use swaha as an ending. Many mantras end in swaha or namaha and if you are under 28, any swaha ending must be changed to namaha. It has to do with the energy of someone under 28 isn't ready for swaha. It might be related to that idea of Saturn making a full solar cycle in 28 years and so a human under 28 hasn't made a full solar cycle. Anyways, my point is that I rebelled because I am a spiritual rebel and I would chant my one mantra that normally ends with swaha instead of changing it to namaha. I might have switched the ending a week into it. I did it for a week but I starting to feel like I really shouldn't and I felt a bit off, like using this ending was too intense for me. Things were more normal when I went back to the namaha ending. But then I decided to try it again because I am impatient in my spiritual pursuits and I had that similar experience of where I was starting to feel it was too intense. I found myself more irritable.

I actually have a mantra program for relationships and there is a mantra for finding a spiritual wife and one for finding a spiritual husband. I want to do the discipline for finding a man but I've got other issues to work on and finding a mate isn't my top priority. The mantra for finding a wife has 13 words in it. Guess how many the mantra to find a husband is? It's only 4 words!

It's common for people in these new age groups to believe that they create their own realities but I have found that I don't have enough wisdom to create my own life. I have to submit my will to a higher will, a more all knowing will. I don't always know what's best for me. I may have a certain direction that I want a discipline to take but I can only do my work and let the universe or god sort out the rest. I don't run the show but I do have control over my life.

Sugar

I'm in the mood for sugar. I am craving sweets right now. I bought some sour candy after my study group. I got those sour sticks, they're like licorice but are coated with sour sugar. I bought 3 packs of the blue raspberry ones and one of the strawberry. My study groups meets in someone's house in Dundas on Sundays and I went to the corner store near the Tim Horton's and apparently on a Sunday night that parking lot is filled with young unproductive teenagers and their cars. I also purchased myself a pack of new candy that I've never had called Warheads. They claim to be extremely sour. They even have a warning label on the back of the package stating "Eating multiple pieces within a short time period may cause a temporary irritation to sensitive tongues and mouths."

Let me give you a review on this product. These were not extreme sour like the package claimed. They give me this nice burst of sourness the very first time I had one but it only lasted for 2 seconds and then it just became a regular candy. If candy were living, I would inject some viagra into this because that's what it needs. It just didn't have the staying power. I'm a 'stayin' power' kind of gal. I'm not into sprinters, I'm into long distance runners. When I had another one, I embraced myself for this quick burst but it didn't seem necessary. I had already become desensitized. So I have one left now.

My other complaint has to do with the fact that the cocksucking manufacturers had to individually wrap each candy. These candies did not need to be individually wrapped. I found this product to be environmentally unfriendly. And I only got 8 of these candies in a bag. They are probably a bit smaller then a Werthers. Put more in the bag and get rid of the excess packaging. This product was imported by TOL/GAF Canada. There's no number that I could contact to complain but I will certainly not endorse this candy.
You are no Willy Wonka!

I have a wedding to go to this Saturday. It's my second cousin I believe. He's about 3 years younger then me. In my family there have been many weddings since 2000 since everyone was starting to hit their mid 20s or early 30s. There's probably a few more that will get married in the next few years and then there will be another draught. Weddings seem to be cyclical. My relative who's getting married is a cop and he apparently invited some cop friends to his stag and so maybe some of them will show up at the wedding and possibly be hot and single. My relative and his future wife went to my high school as well so I wonder if there will be people from my high school. I had 2 other second cousins go to the same high school but they never said hi to me but this relative did. He's a pretty nice person. I always had this sense of sadness for their family situation since their dad died when they were young. The father died in 1997, so my relative was around 15. And their mother has MS and she's had that for probably over 10 years. She's bed ridden as well. So his parents won't make it for the wedding. I think they had to grow up a bit faster as well and did not enjoy their youth as much since they had to help their mother.

I had this dream that some people I knew were on the Dr. Phil show. One person there I knew didn't really like Dr. Phil. I was sending them an email saying I saw them on the Dr. Phil show but then I realized that this was a dream and so I didn't need to email them.

This man I know was interested in me going on a date with his son. I don't really like this man to begin with as he's quite paranoid. So if I think he's a loonie toon, why would I want to date his son? He showed me a picture of his son. The son looked quite old for his age. And he's 18. I told this man that I'm not interested in dating an 18 year old. He said his son was mature for his age. 18 year olds are so 2005. If I were to go out with this 18 year old who looks like he's 30, people would think he's the 27 year old and I'm the 18 year old.

I find it disturbing that a father would even attempt to get his son a date. This man asked for my number a long time ago so we could keep in touch but he's old and paranoid and gives me the willies. I thought he had a thing for me so that's why this whole 'date my son' creeps me out. I thought at first maybe he made up this whole idea that he had a son but it appears his son really does exist.

Another thing that disturbs me are arranged marriages. I found out someone I knew is having an arranged marriage in a few weeks. She's Muslim and her father is a priest or whatever the equivalent is for Muslims. I feel incredibly sorry for her. Her father is very strict. She's a nice girl but she has no will of her own. I understand the idea that the parents want what's best and probably 'know' what kind of a person would make a suitable marriage partner. I understand the idea that these people learn to love each other. It's whacked. It's such an archaic concept. I've read in magazine that it worked out for the couples and they were happy. Well many people who've been captured by kidnappers show great love towards their captors eventually and are even reluctant to leave. I don't understand these people. They enjoy having others dictate their life for them. They enjoy being a slave. I don't understand that. It's so beyond me. I consider myself pretty strong willed and I can't imagine having anyone tell me what to do. I'm open to listening to people but in the end it's up to me.

I think a better transition for this community would be that the parents have some sort of contest where suitors vie for their daughter's hand in marriage, like in American Idol. And the parents and their daughter can be judges.

This whole idea just gets me extremely angry. I get angry at religion and angry at these weak willed people who can't stand up for themselves. I get angry that people look to others for approval and can't direct their own lives. I don't like religion because it makes people complacent. I don't like how people just exist and don't have a clue on how to live.

I'm going to have to buy myself a dress for this wedding I have on the 3rd. I need a dress that says I'm classy but I'll put out on the second date. This relative of mine is about 3 or 4 years younger then me and he went to my high school. I wonder if he will invite any of his friends.

Le shower

I went to the bridal shower this afternoon. I'm not really a fan of events like these but it gives me a chance to socialize with my relatives and people watch. They gave us names of famous women or female characters. My mother was Christina Applegate and I was Marge Simpson. They gave out door prizes. Our table won this one contest where we do a scavenger list of the items in our purse. The list was quite long. I'm a minimalist so I keep the basics in my purse. Our table came in second and we might have missed 2 items. We didn't have nail polish. My mother had 4 items on the list and mainly supplied all the religious items that were on the list. She had a rosary in her purse and a picture of a saint. Other items on the list included a nail file, a stamp, American money, hand lotion, zip lock bags and a bunch of other stuff. I contributed nothing. I'm thinking who would carry all this stuff in their purse? Women are strange creatures! All I got in my purse is gum, tissues, my wallet, a mini notebook and pens.

There was this one game where someone from the table had to draw the future bride and they had to wear these silly glasses. I didn't do the drawing as drawing is not a strongpoint for me but I liked the glasses and decided to keep them. They may come in handy in the future. My hair is messy in this picture. Here is a picture of me afterwards with these special glasses.


The doorprizes I got include coasters and a manicure set. We got to pick from a table. There were lots of candles and by the time I got to win something, all the good prizes were taken. Some of these things were ornamental and I am definitely not a fan of candles. I like getting things I can use. I'm not a knicknack person. I know at least in the future I might possibly use coasters. The end was the best part because that was the chance to take home the cookies. These aren't storebought cookies, these are homemade cookies and some of them are deee-licious. Most of the cookies they had were cookies I didn't like but I mainly focused on getting chocolate type cookies.

There was this one type of dessert there that my mother used to always make when I was a child and it was a favourite of mine. I haven't had or seen this dessert for many, many years. They are called peaches and one side contained chocolate creme and the other contained vanilla. Ever since I've been improvising, some objects that I will encounter in my day, I will perceive them as something else. There's an exercise where we take an ordinary object and then pretend it's something else. Because I've done that exercise so many times, it is automatic for me to look at something and then imagine it as something else. So when I saw this peach dessert, it just looked like an ass. You know when you watch a porn and there's that scene where the woman bends over and gets it up the ass? Yeah you know what I'm talking about because every porn has that standard 'fuck her up the ass' shot. Yeah that's what I thought of when I saw this dessert. So here's a picture I took of the dessert. Does it look like porn ass or what?

The Karma of Getting Laid

I actually have 2 prospects that I have been lusting over this past week. It is great. My mind has been continuously looping a tape about a certain ex of mine featuring thoughts as such "I still have feelings for you" and "Will we ever hook up in the future?" and now that tape has been thrown into the garbage and replaced with a wonderful dvd featuring new prospects. Clips include prospects throwing me up against the wall and throwing one into me. Ah yes nothing like new prospects to help you to move forward in your love life.

I haven't had a chance to talk with these prospects and I am slightly nervous to make an approach. My new dating plan that I implemented a few months ago was that if a guy was really interested in me, he would make an effort to ask me out. This was based on the book He's Just Not into You. My days of chasing dick are over. If a man really wants me, then he would do what it takes to ask me out.

So I'm thinking do I abandon this new dating plan and go for the men? I should at least make conversation. That really should be all that I am willing to do. I have already conversed briefly with one but don't see him often. My interaction with the other prospect just involves making eye contact(which he seems to reciprocate) and polite smiles. But someone must speak! This is what I dislike about meeting new people. Some days it's easy for me to take charge and ask who they are and their name and their interests and tell them about myself and other times I am just too filled with fear in taking that first step in connecting with someone socially.

It all seems so much like being in high school. I don't know if these prospects have women. They might. They might assume I have a boyfriend. Maybe they believe that it is now women who make the move in starting a relationship.

I think there's way too much dating 'experts' and people that provide advice on this whole dating experience. I tried reading some stuff by some guy named Christian Carter but I can hardly stomach any dating advice. Some of it is useful but they just complicate things. As a woman I'm told I need to control my emotions and if I'm having feelings for a guy, I have to do it in a certain way otherwise it will frighten the man. He'll perceive me as emotionally out of control if I don't try to establish that we have a serious relationship in a certain way.
I've also read the advice for men and again the same technique is used. Woman are blah blah blah and you have to be act this way and say this to be successful.

It reminds of me of kids on a playground and 2 friends are having some fight and there's one person who is the mediator who is going back and forth between these arguing friends and this mediator is the one that is really perpetuating the fight and confusing both sides and making up all sorts of nonsense just to alienate them from each other even more, for their own selfish amusement.

For years I've been sticking with the plan that I'm going to be myself and be honest to myself about myself and it has been working well for me. I'm sticking with this plan for expressing myself as I see fit and doing what I think is right. I'm sticking with this plan to trust my own inner guidance and instincts.

I don't want to continue my rant with the dating advice industry. I am happy to have new prospects to lust over and think unholy thoughts about.

I have 2 weddings that I will be attending this year. There's actually 3 relatives that are getting married but one of them I didn't get invited to and it's probably because there's so many other relatives for them to invite. Tomorrow I have a bridal shower to attend. I know that there's going to be lots of Italian cookies and other baked goodies. This young lady's brother got married 2 years ago and I attended that bridal shower and there was a plethora of cookies. I had to leave early because I had to attend a baby shower the same day. Italian weddings are really the best. You know Italians are going to do weddings right and have the good food and desert. You know the Italians are going to do it in a nice banquet hall not some cheap unclassy place. Tomorrow I will gorge.

Ben Stiller

I saw the movie Meet the Parents on television a few weeks ago and Ben Stiller was in it. I never found him attractive. I remember seeing him when he had his own tv series and in Zoolander. But for some reason, I found myself oddly attracted to this man while watching this movie. I don't know, it was something in his eyes that I found myself drawn to. I found his eyes to be piercing, to be magnetic. I know he's married, so I'm going to try and keep my lust to a minimum.

Lilipoh

I've been told that I look innocent. I've been told that I'm hot. I'm completely oblivious to certain aspects of my appearance. I know I have a decent figure because I make it a priority to have an active lifestyle. But I have this weird relationship with my face. I never really considered my face to be attractive. I always saw it as having a weirdness to it and maybe on occasion I would use my face in a pretty way. In my youth, I would enjoy declaring my hotness. I didn't really think I was hot or that I wasn't hot but just saying I was hot made me feel good. I noticed one day when someone asked me how I was and I said that I wasn't doing good, it made me feel worse. When asked by someone else another time how I was doing, I said I felt excellent, even though I wasn't. I actually felt better. In a sense I was lying but lying made me feel good and my lie became a truth. Was I really lying?
I'm not a fan of lying. If I feel like crap, then that's how I feel. If I don't like you then that's how I feel. But does my declaring these things make it a truth? Am I just expressing a feeling that has the potential to change? I don't really know where this is going but I find that it's an interesting observation.

I actually started getting laser hair removal done. I'm getting my pits, bikini and full leg done. This place had the best prices for laser so I'm glad about that. I can't use silk epil anymore, which is an electric hair remover, that pulls the hair out by the root. It's not painful. I've also used Nads and then the silk epil to get the miscellaneous hairs. It's too time consuming. I'm the perfect candidate for laser. I'm light skinned with dark hair. It's nice to know that being a hairy Canadian of Italian parents is finally going to pay off for me. I need to go every 5 weeks. In 4 to 6 treatments I should see a significiant reduction.

I've also been having some craniosacral therapy sessions. I've been mocked as it's an alternative therapy. I'm a pragmatist by nature. I like theory to a degree but I'm always willing to try something once for the experience. I read the theory behind cranio and it doesn't make sense so maybe these people need to come up with a different theory. I find it to be enjoyable and have 3 sessions. My next one is next Wednesday. With my yoga and qigong practice, I noticed my body feeling progressively lighter and fluid but for some reason my head always felt tense. My head has always felt a certain disconnected from me and my body. My head has been feeling more open. On my second session, I heard this big pop in my head but the cranio lady wasn't able to hear it. It wasn't that she missed it because it was pretty loud to me but the sound was probably only heard by me. My last one my head felt extremely warm. It didn't feel this warm in previous sessions. I notice a difference. Before I started, I began placing my hands on various areas on my face and head and focusing on releasing tension. I think I need a few more sessions.

After my last craniosacral session, I suddenly felt like working on Steiner's Philosophy of Freedom later on in the day. My study group began studying it in September 2004 and we had a guest come over who has done a course at the Steiner Centre about this book. He suggested we summarize each paragraph as a study method. We did that and it was quite challenging. It was worth it though because it really forces you to try and understand what he is trying to say in each paragraph. It really exercises and disciplines the thinking faculty. I enjoy my group because everyone knows how to get along and there isn't alot of ego there so I found it to be amazing that a handful of adults could gather together and work on creating short paragraph summaries on a book that can be quite hard at times. Anyways, we weren't sure if we could continue with this method so we ended up stoping after the first section, which was about 7 chapters. The remaining 7 chapters we decided to read through. So I saw someone in my group continued to do her own summaries of each paragraph and I decided that I would do the same. I got up to chapter 9. I started working on it again after 1 year. I didn't know that's how long ago it was that I worked on it.

Philosophy of Freedom is the kind of book that takes about 5-10 years to really digest and process the concepts. I first read the book on my own 7 years ago. The first 2 times I read it, it made very little sense to me but after reading it again a couple of more times over the years, I really began to see how wonderful it was. It's quite easy to work with the book now. It's always funny to me when I meet someone who is just beginning to get interested in Steiner and they tell me they've read POF and don't understand it. Of course you're not going to get it right away, it takes practice to get used to what he is trying to say. You'll get it eventually.

I finished knitting the back of my sweater and it isn't large enough for me. My mother made me use a needle that was 2 mm smaller because she thought it would be okay and she didn't have the right size. Now it turns out I'll have to redo all of my work, which is upsetting for me because these last few days I've done doing lots of work on it because I wanted to spend a month for each part (front,back,2 arms). I guess I'll have fun destroying and unwinding it.

I sent out a letter to this temp agency that I've worked for. I've worked with them for several years. They didn't pay me for a shift back on August 30, 2005. I wasn't able to keep proper track of my hours because they misplaced several of my paystubs. I called them in January once I finally got all my stubs. I called a few weeks later to see if it's been resolved and I find out that the person I spoke to about my wage issue no longer works there. I still continued calling the agency and asking if this was resolved but no one got back to me. A few weeks ago the manager offered me to work at this one place and she would offer me Tim Horton gift certificate to make up for the lost wages. I wasn't interested and I'm certainly not going to accept Tim Horton certificates because I don't even go there often! So I spoke to the Ministry of Labour and this company violated Section 12 of the Employment Standard Act which is that they failed to give me my paystubs on time. I also found out that the government investigates on your behalf if you have a wage problem, for up to 6 months. Well the agency gives me this offer after 6 months and so it's too late for me to take it to the government.
So my letter stated that I'd file a complaint against them for violating Section 12, which will result in a fine and that I would take them to civil court if this issue was not done in a swift and timely manner. I was quite disgusted how they avoided my problem and kept putting it off. I hope that this gets resolved because I don't want to take this to court but I will because that's a day's pay and it's just wrong for someone to work and not get paid for it. I'm also going to let their Head Office know. I'm expecting to hear from them this week so what I'll do next is dependent on how they respond to my letter.
If there's one thing I won't tolerate is people committing a crime like this and being so immoral and wrong. I won't stand for injustices like this. They decided to screw over the wrong person.

I have evidence as well. I wrote in my journal that I was scheduled for 3 days and they cancelled my August 30 shift only to call me on August 30 to work for someone in rework. Normally I was in the printing or moulding departments but that day they had me work for someone else. The company said that I didn't work that day so I told the agency in the letter to speak with this person whom I worked for as she is the one who needs to be held accountable.

I know this sounds kinda lame but I'm going to go 'street' on you all.

These people are gonna go down and anyone that fucking messes with me is gonna go down. You don't mess me with me cause I'll fucking take you down. I've been disrespected and I'm going to put these mother fuckers back in their place.
Let that be a lesson to y'all who fucking think your better then me. You screw me over, I'll never forget. I'll write you off like a tax deductible. You mess with me I'll tear your fucking organs out and feed them to orphans.

So hopefully everything works out okay.

Wow, I am so glad now that I can quantify my selfishness. Note the sarcasm.

You Are 27% Selfish

In general, you are a very giving person who treats others very well. But at times, you insist on getting your way - when it matters most to you.

How Selfish Are You?

My Puss-say Cat

Here are some pictures of my cat Sally. We got her 10 years ago at the SPCA. I believe in love at first sight because when I saw Sally, I knew that she was the one I wanted. She is so beautiful. I tell her everyday that I love her and that she is beautiful. I never tire of saying it.
She doesn't feeel the same way I do about her. She is one of those aloof cats and isn't really affectionate. She hates people as well. She hisses at my 2 brothers who come over every Sunday. She hasn't registered the fact that they are apart of the family even though they don't live here.
I find my cat incredibly sexy. If I were a male cat, I would totally want to get it on with her. She just oozes a sexualness when she walks. However, I Paula, the human would never seriously consider getting it on with her. First of all, she's a cat. Secondly she's a female and I'm not into the whole girl-on-girl thing and finally, Sally wouldn't give me that emotional attention and affection that for me is very important to have in a relationship.

Anyways, here's Sally, the love of my life. Gosh, isn't she so fucking beautiful! And hot!

Happy Easter!

I enjoyed this long weekend. I went for a real hike with a friend of mine on Friday and it also involved climbing steep muddy, rocky hills and going down them. I didn't know we'd do that but I guess we were up for the adventure. We both got quite muddy. We would use the roots of trees to help ourselves up this one really steep hill. We thought we were stuck once we got to the top of this area and we thought that the only way back was to go back down. The best route was this rocky area and my friend went first. She was coaching me down the beginning as it was quite steep and there were minimal secure places to step down. It was quite awkward for me because if I'm going down a hill, I'm more comfortable facing forward. I had to face the rocks and basically have my back face forward. I think if I were to do that again, I'd be more comfortable. It went against all my natural instincts. I was quite appreciative to all the rocks and tree roots that helped to make climbing up and down these steep hills easier.
We had some good conversations. She has a father that's bi-polar manic depressive and I have 2 schizophrenic brothers. We both had a stage when we were in our early 20s where we felt quite depressed. It was interesting to hear her say she was worried in her 20s that she too might become mentally ill like her father because that was something I was always concerned about as well when I was growing. That's no longer a concern for us. Maybe about 4 years ago I really felt like I've passed that risky stage where I could become mentally ill. I'm safe now.
I find it interesting that we both had these similar fears that we could become mentally ill. I'm at this point in my life where I feel like all of my problems and feelings are not unique. Everyone's had the same fears or problems and I'm not alone. It's quite liberating.
We're all more all alike than we want to admit. It really is an illusion that we are separated.

But there are people who probably are not like us. I finished reading a book entitled "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. That's right I actually read non-Steiner books. I think I read more non-Steiner books. I just have always found Steiner more stimulating but I have read the occasion good non-Steiner book and this one was one of them. A sociopath basically has no conscience and so they can do anything without feeling guilty. They are only concerned about dominating others. For them experiencing emotions such as caring and love is something that they are not capable of. Not everyone who is a sociopath is a killer or a criminal. They can be freeloaders or just shit disturbers who aren't interested in people unless it serves their own personal agenda. About 4% of the American population is sociopathic. In Japan it was under 1%. Western culture definitely supports the selfish drive of the sociopath.
An important sign in recognizing a sociopath is that they actually enjoy being pitied. They thrive on people pitying them.
Sociopaths also can be found in positions that we would usually associate with someone who has a conscience such as a doctor or a principal. It's quite necessary to challenge authority and not just assume someone is a good person just because of their job. The book references an experiement showing that 6 times out of 10, people will submit their will to that of a perceived authority even if they are required to do something that they consider immoral. It would cause them great stress but they still obeyed authority.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 4 - Her Bedroom

Happy Good Friday!

Our last stop is my mother's bedroom. Here are a few items that are on her chest of drawers.

The Pieta in Giant Hands

This item my mother purchased of the Pope John Paul II after he died and it contains a rosary. I think she bought it when she was in Italy, but I am not 100% sure.

Pope John Paul II Rosary Container

The following item is a picture that hangs over my parent's bed.

Mary and baby Jesus

The final stop is the dresser. An abundance of religious items can be found here. This item here is an angel paperweight and on the rock it is inscribed, "Each day is God's Master Piece". I think someone gave this to my mother as a gift.

Angel Paperweight

This item is another gift given to my mother for her birthday from someone in her parish. My mother's birthstone is the amethyst. Mine is a garnet if any suitors are interested in purchasing me jewerly.

Crucified Jesus on amethyst with angel

Here is a giant Mary. It has been rumoured she had a growth spurt after Jesus' crucification. After her growth spurt, she was now physically able to hold the cross of the crucified Jesus.

A Sad Mary

Mary poster

Giant Mary statue

And here's the standard Bible.

Holy Bible Container

Holy Bible

St. Anthony

Finally, you can't call yourself a Catholic unless you actually possess Holy Water, which is water blessed by a priest.

Holy Water

This four part series of my mother's religious paraphernalia has been concluded. She has no idea that I keep a blog (as she is technically clueless and probably has never heard of the term, 'blog') and that I have publicly posted these pictures. All pictures have been put up for innocent amusement and no maliciousness was intended.
All jokes made towards Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and any other religious entity has been approved by God.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 3 - The Basement

Greetings and Salutations,

Today we wlll venture into the basement. As you can see we have another religious calendar. This is a St. Anthony calendar. My mother subscribes to St. Anthony Messenger and they included a calendar. I actually like to read this magazine because they do bring up social issues that are going on in the world. I don't agree with certain ideas but I find that it is thought provoking so I can at least respect it because of that.
This calendar doesn't look particularly religious. As you can see this month's picture features a man getting run over by a wagon. In the text box it states that as this man's life is in danger, St. Anthony decides to save his life. If you take a closer look at the picture, you may notice that the wheel is a danger but if you look at that white object next to the wheel - it looks like a bent hoe actually - it looks like it's going to slice his head if the wagon doesn't stop. Heartwarming isn't it? Pray to St. Anthony so that you don't get your head violently sliced off by a run away horse carrying a wagon.
Yes.
Very modern advice.

St. Anthony Calendar

As an avid wagon engineer, this little 'hoe' serves no actual purpose in the design of this wagon. It has been designed simply to slice people's heads off if they get caught under the wagon. Slicing the head off also makes it easier for the wheels to further destroy your body.



On top of the entertainment unit we have this replica of St. Peter's Baslicia. I think my parents bought it last year when they went to Italy. Tacky eh?

St. Peter's Basilica

Our last item is this Franklin Mint Plate of Praying Hands. Of all the religious items my mother owns, this one I actually like. When I used to do yoga downstairs (I do qigong now!), it was nice to focus on the praying hands when I was doing a balacing posture such as The Tree pose. It actually helped me to quickly get into a mode of reverance when I did yoga because the praying hands are a symbol of reverance.

Praying Hands Plate

Our last stop will be my mother's room.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 2 - The Living Room

Greetings and salutations,

Today I will show you the paraphernalia of our living room. Our first stop is this picture of Mary and Jesus. I believe it is a crocheted poster my mother purchased. It is on the left side of the wall as soon as you enter our living room. We were renovating the entranceway these past few days so that ladder that you see is no longer there.

Mary and Jesus

We will now stop and take a look into the entertainment cabinet. This is a picture of the Egg Nativity scene. Why we have something of a Christmas nature displayed all year round is beyond me.

Egg Nativity Scene

Next is this egg of these cherubims or seraphims and they are cooing over our precious baby Jesus. I will just call them uber angels because I don't know exactly what they are, but I think they are above the angels in the spiritual hierarchy. I could be wrong. They might just be angels.

Uber Angels and Baby Jesus

We will now journey to the cabinet on the left. This angel that you see is one of the angels my mother has crafted.

An Angel

Here is another Jesus, Mary and Joseph ceramic. Where's God in all of this? Don't you think God might get a little annoyed that he's never part of the pictures that features this family. After all he did knock up Mary. I know he's supposedly invisible but couldn't they symbolically integrate God into these family portraits?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph

Here we arrive at more angels. My mother also crafted the angel on the right.

Angels

The final stop is this lovely statue by Michaelangelo entitled Pieta. Here Mary is holding the crucified Jesus. She is quite young in this statue and it has been postulated that Mary is holding the baby Jesus but we see the crucified Jesus, which is the future of this baby.

The Pieta

Next entry we will make a trek to our basement.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 1 - The Kitchen

Greeting and salutations earthlings,

My mother is a religious woman and active in the church. A religious enthusiast if you will. I think she is a fairly good example of someone who is a churchgoer. She is non-judgmental and has a positive and loving nature. How I evolved from her womb and became the person I am is still largely a mystery for the scientific community.

I will be showing pictures over the next few days of all the various religious paraphernalia my mother has in the house. Today I will be showing the religious items in our kitchen.

Our first stop is the left window ledge near the sink, where we see this cute statue of the late Pope John Paul II. It creeps me out because for me it's like, "dude you got a figurine of someone who died. It's so cartoony. It's like that buddy Christ in that Dogma movie" For my mother however, it is a sign of respect.

Pope John Paul II

Next is the new Pope. We don't want to be showing disrespect to the new Pope by just having pictures of past popes so that is why this picture is next to the John Paul figurine.

Pope Benedict XVI


On the opposite window ledge we come to this figurine of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Notice how there is an Extra Strength bottle of Tylenol and a mini bottle of alcohol next to it. My father keeps these mini alcohol bottles for show in our kitchen.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph

Next we will move along to the fridge. Here are fridge magnets on the front of the fridge.

Front of Fridge

And now we shall explore the magnets on the side of the fridge. The magnet on the left quotes Psalms 3:33 stating; "Sing unto the Lord a new song". The magnet on the right is that of Mary. Did I mention she's a virgin?

Side of Fridge

Here's a magnet of St. Anthony. I believe many people gravitate towards a Saint based on many things such as having a family member that shares the same name or they have a Feast day in common.

St. Anthony holding baby Jesus

A house would be incomplete if it didn't have a Jesus and Joseph thermometer! Yes I know a fucking mini thermometer! What a crazy idea.

The mini Jesus and Joseph Thermometer

Moving right along we come to the religious calendar. Before my parents renovated our kitchen, we had 2 religious calendars but now we just have one.

Religious Calendar

Our last stop in the kitchen we find this plaque that is next to the entranceway of our kitchen. This plaque reads: Immaculate Heart of Mary Pray for Us who have Recourse to Thee. This plaque is above my eye level and I am only 5'6" so if you're 5'10" then it probably would be eye level for you.

Mary Plaque

Next entry we will journey into the living room.

Brotherhood and the Struggle for Existence

In Steiner's lecture Brotherhood and the Struggle for Existence, he briefly mentions about past scientific evidence in relation to struggling for existence. A Russian scientist named Kessler had showed that the animals capable of development and become truly progressive are not the ones that do the most fighting, but those that give mutual support to one another, that help each other. Struggle is present but the question becomes what furthers development more: warfare or mutual assistance? Peter Kropotkin, an anarchist, wrote a book entitled Mutual Help in the Animal Kingdom and Human Life which provides evidence that mutually assistance leads to progress instead of fighting.
The struggle for existence has its place in the world. It takes a certain amount of egoism to develop our talents and to take initiative but if we do not work on ourselves and develop our talents, we will be poor helpers.
Survival of the fittest is a complete myth. Many people are strong in one area and weak in others. Who determines what is strong and what is weak? It is all dependent on perspective. What I may perceive within myself as a weakness may from another more wiser perspective may be my greatest strength.
When I watch these reality shows, like say the Apprentice, it becomes quite evident that the teams that do well are the ones that make an effort to put their ego aside and work together inside of fighting.
I think it's great that we all have egos but it's also important that we can put it aside and forget about ourselves.
Brotherhood and the struggle for existence are 2 distinct streams that work in humans. We must recognize that within individuals there is something that yearns for both individuality and brotherhood/community. Neither must be denied and both must be developed.

Reality

She was beginning to realize that maybe God didn't have plans for her. She was beginning to realize the futility of life. Everyone around her had something going on in their life that was interesting. People had jobs that they liked, children to take care of, friends to socialize with. They lived their life with some sense of purpose.
All she wanted was success and a loving relationship. It was all too elusive for her. The continual search for meaning and purpose for her life left her tired. She tried becoming more compassionate and loving and that seemed to help.
Thoughts of self annihilation would continue to seep into her. She would gradually become more comfortable being herself but she found that the more she became herself, the more people withdrew from her. Her kindness and honesty were too much for some people. For some, cruelty was the norm and being loving and kind was considered violent.
She gradually become more isolated and she only had her own thoughts to entertain her. The people who she thought were her friends only trivialized her feelings and her insights. The gentleness that she was allowing people to see was being trampled upon.
She wanted to make a difference in the world. She wanted to know that her words and actions did create positive change in the world.
She was frozen. She could not carry out the will of her spirit. She did not know what was blocking her and she soon began to realize the frailty of her ambitions.
She did not know what to do with her latent potential. She wanted to bloom but could not. She knew she had to make the right choice. She did not believe in a pre-determined destiny. She believed in free will and choices.
She continued to pursue her ambitions only to have constant rejections. Unable to hold down a job. Unable to move out and become independent. Unable to attract a loving companion. Unable to fit in with her peers whom she so craved for their respect. It was becoming too much for her.
What will be her next step, her next choice?
Confusion was becoming her normal state. Her once clear and direct demeanor soon became riddled with extreme self-doubt.
What should she choose? She was constantly choosing life, choosing growth, choosing love but these paths were failing her.
All it did was leave her poor, lonely and frustrated.
What happens to things that aren't allowed to become what they were meant to do?
What happens to the rose that isn't allowed to become that rose?
What happens to the grass that isn't allowed to become that grass?
What happens to that dove that isn't allowed to become that dove?

She didn't want to choose self annihilation. She decided to continue her efforts in hopes that life will work out.
It had been 7 years and she still had found herself in the same position.
No loving relationship. No job. No independence. No purpose.
She had garnered some wisdom during this time but wisdom does not pay the rent.

She continued to apply for work in fields she wasn't interested in. She continued making meager wages and any attempt to improve her economic position was squashed and she was thrown back down the well of poverty.
She continued to pour her energy into winning the respect of her peers. She was already an outsider of society and now her outsider friends were making her an outsider. Her presence was habitually ignored. No one dared to ask her how her day was.
She maintained a sunny disposition. For in some areas of her life, she truly was happy and at peace.
At night she would search her soul and all she could do was cry.
Her life wasn't working out. She learned at a young age that you cannot plan life.
Life was taking her nowhere. Numerous attempts to take control of her life and to direct her life led her nowhere.
She was trapped and didn't know a way out.
She always believed that the feeling of being trapped was a misperception and that we always could find a way out of our misery.
She was beginning to realize that statement was a lie.
She was beginning to believe that life played favourites and that it didn't matter how positively you thought and if you had faith in the goodness of the universe.
If life played favourites, what good choices could she possibly make?

She chose self annihilation.

Spring Forward

I started to knit a few days ago. My mother is a regular knitter and she always gets the Mary Maxim catalogue and I saw one sweater that I liked and I thought I'd try to make it myself as my mother always knitted things for me. I'm giving myself ample time to finish it and since it's a winter sweater, my goal is to finish it by October. I'm not sure if I want to work on it about 10 minutes a day or maybe pick a few days a week and work on it. I want to work on it consistently though.
I've done 5 rows. My mother told me casting on is the hardest part and it took me about 5 or 6 attempts to actually realize what I was doing wrong. My sweater is simple to do. I'm starting off ribbing and so my stitching is knit 3 and purl 2 and the following row is reversed. I'm better then when I first started out. I still get the 2 stitches mixed up. Also the sweater requires that I use 2 strings instead of the usual single string.

When my mother knits in the living room, our cat Sally will pounce on the shadow of the yarn and needle. Sally was also doing this while I was knitting and she was pouncing on the shadow of my needle.

The Hills Are Alive

I'm at odds with whether I should buy a new computer or not. In between thoughts of why am I on this earth and what's for dinner, I am becoming consumed with my computer dilema. I want a dual core but I read that it would be better to wait 6 months for the technology to be more mainstream. I don't want to spend more then $900 on a laptop and the only Dell dual core near my price range is $1100 but then I have to worry about the operating system. Do I want to continue to support the mediocrity known as Microsoft or do I support Linux? Do I want to support IE or Firefox? More research must be done on my part.
On top of it, my computer has been acting quite shifty lately and I think it's because of some viruses or maybe not.
This is probably one good reason why I wish I had a geek boyfriend. My first geek boyfriend bought my computer for me and loaded it up with various programs. Mind you he was an asshole...

We have a morning dove who is spawning in our evergreen tree. We had robins last year in our tree.

A Message From the Doppelganger of George W. Bush

Hello World and Fellow Americans,

This is the doppelganger of the infamous George Bush. I have important news. I can't go on being his doppelganger anymore. He is too much of an asshole and even for someone as diabolical and sinister as I am, I just can't deal with his shit anymore. I can't believe the lies and the propaganda that he's spewing. Yes I take some responsibility, but he has gone too far. I have to incarnate into a soul that is more virtuous then Mr. Bush.
America, I have to let you on a secret that maybe none of your Presidents haven't shared with you. You're not really the economic powerhouse of the world. You're not really this superpower of the world. You just have great PR. You're really like a teenager who thinks she/he is invincible and has a false sense of bravado. But you're not! You're a country that's got issues and problems just like all the other countries in the world.
The world doesn't need saving. You know at first I thought it was great to try and 'Americanize' all the other countries in the world and force democracy down their throats. I thought it was great to feed the American public this illusion that we're saving people because no one is going to knock someone who wants to help people. It's a great ploy. Being manipulative under the guise of Virtuousness. But then I started having pangs of conscience. Yes I know, fucking unbelievable, a doppelganger of all entitites to have this type of experience. When I made this realization it was like that scene from the Crying Game and all I could do was puke for 4 days.

So I had to leave Mr. Bush. You're on your own now cocksucker. I can't go on being manipulative and so deceiving to the American public. I believe countries need to be sovereign. Democracy is something that results because people have a burning desire to be independent and free. We cannot coerce our ethics and what we think is right onto other nations. We just can't be so deceitful anymore. We can't pretend to be heros when we really have more selfish intentions.

I would like to apologize to the world. I am sorry for what I did. I am sorry.

Yeah Income Tax

I did my income tax and so I am anticipating a return in the next few weeks. I'm thinking of using that money for a new laptop. I've done some research and I read an article about this new duo processor technology. The article suggests to wait to buy a new computer because of this technology. I've had my laptop since September 1999 and the people at Dell were not able to really help solve my problem since I had to call again. My computer is working okay for now but I don't know how much longer this baby will last.
The technicians just seemed so shocked and didn't seem to know how to fix a computer so old. Maybe Dell sucks for tech support when a computer gets so old and maybe I should have someone look into my computer.
Yes I still have Windows 98.

I don't want to spend much money on whatever laptop I buy. I spent way too much for this one. I like laptops because it gives me the freedom to take my computer wherever I want. Even though I tend to keep it in the same spot, I like knowing that I can take it wherever I want.
[cut to scenes of me carrying my laptop with glee down a major New York road.
cut to scenes of me in a wedding dress with me and my laptop on the dancefloor.
cut to scenes of me having kinky sex with some hot guy and me winking and saying to my laptop 'don't I make you proud lappie!']

I don't really use my computer for much. I use it mostly for internet and email. I also use Word and the accounting program and I like minesweeper. What else can I do with this thing anyways?
I know I'm sorry oh mighty computer geeks. I'm not utilizing my computer's full potential. And now I plan on buying a computer with even more power and I will continue to utilize a small amount of its power and potential. Any opinions and advice by computer geeks on what I can use my computer for or what's a good system to buy is welcomed.

I saw Madonna's new video Sorry. Near the end there is some dance off scene and we see Madonna incorporating Yoga moves into her fighting/dancing solo. She's done this before in a prior video. As a former Yoga practioner, I think it's great to be making Yoga hip but when you do that more then once in your vidoes, it looks to me like you are running out of creativity. I enjoy Madonna's music and her work but please, you've done the Yoga thing before in your videos, we know you're superflexible and in shape. Please explore something new.

Why is pee warm?

Obsessive Stalker Part 2

My inner obsessive stalker is doing well today. My inner stalker is relaxed and no one has been obsessively stalked. Let's see how inner obsessive stalker (IOS) is doing today.

Me: How are you feeling after last night?

IOS: I feel better. I don't feel so obsessed to stalk this individual.

Me: Are you concerned that you'll feel this way next week, that you'll have a relapse?

IOS: Right now I don't think I'll relapse. It's possible. I don't want to deny the possibility. I'm just taking it a day at a time so it's pretty hard for me to say what will happen next week.
I think I had an important experience last night so I feel much better and so I don't really think I'll have the same feelings and thoughts.

Me: I think everyone has these moments in life where we are so desperate to be loved and this desperation makes us feel and think and do things we normally don't do. This desire to be loved I think is a fundamental trait in humans. I think being and feeling unloved creates a great many aberrations in the psyches of people. What advice do you have for people who feel this desperation that can lead to stalking or wanting to stalk someone and being possessive?

IOS: I think it's important to acknowledge and listen to what we feel. Don't just take us literally, try and see the good that lies in us. We're just here to be transformed, to be released. All I am is an ignored need. Denying me just gets me more upset and giving me what I want just leaves me feeling empty and just throws me down even further into the abyss of obsession.

Me: Well I applaud your courage my inner obsessive stalker. I hope that my wonderful readers can learn from you. You live in all of us my inner obsessive stalker. You have taught me well. Thank you for your time.

IOS: Thanks. It was a pleasure to be featured on your blog.

Obsessive Stalker Part 1

Okay I'm feeling like stalking someone I ran into by accident last week. Now I normally don't stalk people but I must confess, I have a bit of obsessive stalker lurking in my soul. It normally doesn't come out. I usually have normal relationships with people. I'm on friendly terms with my inner obsessive stalker. I acknowledge it and that usually keeps it in line. My inner obsessive stalker might have gotten upset a few times but nothing hard core.
Today though my inner stalking is really wanting to stalk this person I ran into by accident. I found out this person regularly attends this 'event' and it is actually in what I consider to be 'my end of town' as it is in the end east of Hamilton and is about 5 minutes from my house by car. I knew this person participated in this activity but I thought it was on Wednesdays and in the downtown part of Hamilton. Now I find out it's close to my area.
I'm quite tempted to run into this person, drag them out into the bushes and have my way and make them love me.
Now I know I can't make someone love me but this is what my inner obsessive stalker wants. I know that it's not cool to stalk someone. It just makes you look bad and desperate, however, for the inner obsessive stalker in all of us, it just wants what it wants when it wants. I will begin a dialogue with my inner obsessive stalker.

What do you want inner obsessive stalker? What do you want from this person? What do you need? You can get that from yourself you know.
Is it something you want from this person in particular? What is this person triggering in you inner obsessive stalker?

Inner obsessive stalker is silent.

Inner obsessive stalker begins to speak about the stalkee.

Why do you ignore me?
Don't you want me?
I thought we had something special!
You hurt me and you ignore me.
I want to be your friend.
Why can't you grow up and be mature about the situation.

Thank you for sharing this my inner obsessive stalker.
Inner obsessive stalker has a few moments to cry as she feels her pain and acknowledges the hurt that she has ignored.

Well I think I'm going to let my inner obsessive stalker have a rest. I'm sure this was hard for her. Hopefully we'll hear more from her in the next few days.

Meditation Found to Increase Brain Size: A study by Harvard

Dell Technical Support

I had this problem with my computer on Wednesday night and contacted Dell for tech support last night. My problem was when I restarted Windows, I had an error message come up stating
While initializing device IOS
Error: real mode system memory allocation failed

I'm not into this techno stuff so I don't really understand what goes on. Anyways, I contacted Dell and I was on the phone waiting to speak to someone for 20 minutes and then I was on the phone for an hour trying to 'cure' my computer. This person gave me a few things to do to fix the problem but nothing seemed to work. The person said that if these things don't work, I may have to reinstall Windows.
We had one more thing to try - a technical activity requiring a screwdriver where I had to remove the memory and put it in another slot, or something to that affect. I unfortunately had my guitar lesson so I had to leave.

I call today and had to wait 13 minutes. The technical support person had me restore a registry from a few days ago and this seemed to solve my problem. I probably was on the phone for 10 minutes. I don't know if this was some bandage solution but I'm just happy my computer is up and running.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous? I've had this happen before when I've called Dell's tech support. My first call usually someone gives me a bunch of things to try which don't work and then they throw out the 'you'll have to reinstall windows' bullshit. I then call a second time because I think I'll probably find a better technician since I don't believe in reinstalling windows. I end up having my problem quickly solved with none of this 'reinstall windows' bullshit.

Dell, what is with this inconsistent tech support? Are your technicians receiving adequate training? I appreciate the fact that I can use their technical support but it would be better if the knowledge level was more consistent.
Dell maybe you should change your slogan to: Helping people on the second call.

I've been watching Much Music's VJ Search. I know, I should know better. I'm 27, I'm too old to be watching what has become a station of mindless sloth. I can't help it, I've been sucked in! Most of the contestants are 21 and a few are 23, one was 28 and another 25. The 28 year was kicked off probably because she was 'fat' and 'old', even though the judges didn't directly come out and say she was too old and fat for this position. I have fat and old in quotations because these terms are what I think the judges perceive. I didn't think she was fat or old as these terms have been used in relativity.
Anyways, I wonder what I would have been like if I was 21 and auditioning for this on tv. They are so whiny and emotionally immature. I don't want to be picking on them because it's a challenging situation to be. I've occasionally had moments where my emotions get the better of me. It just looks like they are letting their emotions out of control too much.
I guess I just don't understand how people can let themselves get so emotionally worked up all the time and I don't understand why people don't know how to keep things to themselves because sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut. I've been pissed off and annoyed by people so many times but I didn't go around consistently discussing this because I find that I more I discuss negative people or what annoys me, the more miserable I feel. Oh sure I've had the occasional rant but I think that's normal.
I think when I was around 21, I was striving to be emotionally mature and since I was 18 I have been consciously working on myself spiritually. So I just wonder if these people are aware of how they come off when they complain so much about trivial things. I liked a couple of the contestants because they believed in taking the high road and not being petty.

We had some interesting discussions in my study group on Sunday. We somehow got into the discussion about why don't people realize the spiritual content of The Lord of the Rings? One woman had a couple of books that discuss the philosophies of the book/movie but many people seem to be oblivious to the spiritual nature of the story. Apparently Tolkien knew CS Lewis and Owen Barfield (Barfield was a student of Rudolf Steiner's Anthroposophy) and I believe it was Lewis and Barfield who would engage in spiritual discussions and Tolkien was absorbing the various ideas. So there's probably a bit of anthroposophy in Lord of the Rings.
I think it's pretty simple as to why people are oblivious to the spiritual content. It's because people are afraid of admitting that there's a spiritual world. Even I get afraid of my spiritual experiences and try and look for a logical explanation. I study anthroposophy, a spiritual philsophy and there are many times where I experience this fear of the spiritual world.

I find that the more sex I have, the more I want it.
I find that the less sex I have, the more I want it.
Is there no happy medium?

Happy Birthday Co-Creator

Today it is my mother's birthday and we went to Mandarin for lunch. I'm not a huge fan of Mandarin because I always end up feeling sick afterwards. I didn't have ice cream this time, I just had some ice cream pie dessert. I normally eat large amounts of dessert but today I didn't feel like it. I also have a tip for eating ice cream at the Mandarin. I never eat the ice cream with the ice cream bowls they supply. Instead I use the soup bowls because they are larger.
I ended up having soup and then I noticed that they offered crackers in packs of 2 so I thought I'd take some to eat for later. Every time I went up to eat I would take several packs of crackers. I now have a whole bunch of crackers in my jacket.

I also baked a cake for my mother, which is something I never do. I should become a saint. I've baked before and usually my mother and I do so together. What motivated me to bake my mother a cake? Well when it was my birthday, she tried out some new recipe. I don't remember what went wrong but the top layer of the cake was slipping and the cake was misaligned and although it tasted good, it was architectually unsound. So I complained and my mother said that when it's her birthday I should make her a cake and so I said that I will to prove that I have the skills to make an architectually sound cake unlike the one my mother created.
I'm not motivated to do good out of the goodness of my heart.
I'm motivated to do good because I think I'm vastly superior to the majority of humans and I want to prove that I can do things better.

My one friend and I, along with someone else, went out and my friend was telling me about how someone we met in Yellowknife was talking to her (as they went out last weekend) about her experience at a Biodynamic farm. This girl from Yellowknife who's in Guelph now wants to go into farming and seed making and likes the methodology of Biodynamic farms, which is an initiative of Rudolf Steiner.
My friend knows that I've been studying Steiner for quite some time but when I was in Yellowknife, no one really knew that Steiner was a passion of mine. The girl in Guelph now remembers that I was the comedian (as I do improv) and so when my friend was telling her that I know about Steiner, she was surprised. She's got one of Steiner's books.
My friend and I were discussing how nice this girl is. I didn't really know her much and only hung out with her a few times. I was telling my friend how I felt that this person was probably the kindest person I've ever met. Sure I've met some nice people in my lifetime but you could feel her kind, gentle and accepting nature very strongly. We both agreed that she was an exceptionally loving individual.

I started experiencing allergy symptoms yesterday. I started experiencing allergies 3 years ago but it started around May or the end of April.

Narnia Dreams

I saw Narnia last night and I had this weird dream I was in a bomb shelter. But it wasn't like the regular kind. It was like an open-concept free standing building type of bomb shelter. There were glass windows which were bullet/bomb proof and I saw some bullets hitting the glass and leaving behind some indentations on the glass. Apparently everyone was preparing for the bombs because we were all required to insulate the grounds where we were to sit. And we had to use Legos for insulation to protect us from the bombs.
Thanks Narnia for inspiring that dream.

I dislike that new song by the Pussy Cat Dolls featuring Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas. I saw the video last week and hearing it just gets on my nerves. What is the point of listening to a song where half the chorus is bleeped out? And is filled with taunting laughter!
I don't give a BLEEP if your looking at my BLEEP
ha ha haha hahaha
Fuck you!

I cringe when I listen to lyrics. People write lyrics that aren't grammatically correct and make no sense. Or the sentences don't gel together. What is the song about? What is the point Mr./Mrs./Ms. Artist that you are trying to make in this song?

Off now to guitar lessons.

I find it so difficult to be a healthy human being in this time. So much psychological garbage to deal with. So much negativity and pettiness. So much defenses to break down. It's so difficult dealing with your own and other's insecurities. How the hell is someone to be happy, healthy and productive without killing themselves?
You say things and people misinterpret you or read into you too much and they project their own fears and insecurities onto you. You do the same, unable to see situations clearly.
Your own thoughts and ideas limit you.
You really are your own worst enemy.

Do people really believe in this idea of 'terrorists' that the media propagates? I don't think I'm the only one who believes that it's just bullshit.
Try telling that to the victims of 9-11 Paula.
A terrorist is defined as "the systematic employment of violence and intimidation to coerce a government or community especially into acceding to specific political demands"
Okay so what do these terrorists want? Have they clearly stated what they want? Or has the media stated so on their behalf?
Are these terrorists trying to 'take our freedom'?
How is that even possible? There are so many nations that are democratic, clearly democracy is growing as a political system?
Remember Hitler Paula?
Oh yeah how Hitler totally manipulated a mass of people.

I find it difficult to be social and yet to maintain my own individuality at times. More challenges in the process of becoming a healthy human being.

Is there a political gene in our DNA?
How is a Conservative (aka Republican) encoded in the DNA?
How is a Liberal (aka Democrat) encoded in the DNA?
How is a New Democrat (NDP) encoded in the DNA?
So if I'm Belinda Stronach, does that mean I have the abiility to manipulate my DNA?

How often do you think Bush has sex?
What do you think his favourite position would be?
Do you think he'd be into getting or giving oral?

Wouldn't it be nice if you could pay someone to do your thinking for you?
Or do you prefer doing your own thinking?

Huh?

We had some man, probably in his mid to late 30s knock at our door asking for Heather. There's no Heather here. I wonder if this was some girl he was dating and she gave him the wrong address?
Weird!

Claim it

I bought myself a music stand a few days ago so I could put my sheet music and my jazz book because it's easier to not play with a book on your lap. My guitar instructor gave me some blues chord and the general style in which they are played. Some of the chords I already knew but don't practice. A few are new and challenging. It's not easy to play the guitar especially an accoustic. I didn't think playing would be so physically demanding. My idea of demanding is lifting a tree but it's physically demanding for a small part of your body; the left hand and forearm. Now that I'm more familiar with blues, I find myself immensly enjoying it. My roomate in Yellowknife played blues alot and so that's why I wanted to learn some. I normally don't listen to blues.
I also learned chords for Holiday by Greenday and part of American Idiot. They're just power chords but one of them is challenging for me at this point.

I haven't been actively participating in the 'dating scene' but I have in my dream life, which I find amusing. I met some wealthy and successful young businessman and he had some nice home and he was in love with me and we were engaged. I had to break it off because I wasn't in love with him. I found that strange since why would I get engaged in the first place to someone whom I didn't have feelings for?
Another one I had a few days ago was I was dating someone and then he dumped me. The guys that I'm dating in my dreams don't look like anyone I've ever met.

The bebop and the swing section in my jazz book are the largest section and I'm just concentrating on them for now. I've learned 27 out of 31 licks from that section. There's another section for the bebop but it's about 6 licks. I'm going to skip to the jazz chords section either before or after I finish the bebop.

I was reading this book entitled The Wisdom of the Enneagram (a non-anthroposophical book) by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson and it's a book on personality types. I found it relevant and I seem to relate to the 8th personality which is the Challenger. There is 9 main types. The book lists the basic fear of each type and their desire. I read these type of books because I'm interested in personal inner/spiritual growth. I think inner, emotional and spiritual growth is the most important thing to do in life and it's unfortunate that the education system and our society neglects this. To me it's very practical because once you learn to pay attention and work with your inner world, it makes it easier to get along with others, to get things done effectively. I think it's relevant as well because one can choose to change the way they perceive the world. You can change things about yourself that you don't like.
Anyways, for my type the basic fear is of being harmed or controlled by others and of violation. The basic desire is to protect themselves and to determine their own course in life. For me that seems relevant to me. I'm not sure how to 'achieve' my desire to be protected but for the other aspect I have been meditating on the thought that I am in control of my life and I feel better and less tense. There were other things I felt were relevant for me and so I am working on that as well.

The book doesn't try to typecast people but it does provide a framework.

E Gad

I'm taking some guitar lessons again as I feel I have hit a plateau. Unfortunately it's on Thursday so I'll be unable to participate in improv. I did go out to socialize afterwards with them. My instructor actually lives a few blocks away from me. I wasn't really sure what I needed to work on. He gave me some barre chords and will be giving me some music theory. Next week I'll be learning Hotel California and a Green Day song. Hotel California apparently has a lot of barre chords and changes frequently so it will be a challenge to play. I told him I want to create my own music, which is partly why I don't really learn other songs. I do know a few though. I know some things about barre chords but I don't consistently practice them. I practice them briefly because they are hard to do on an acoustic. He's also going to show me some blues chords.

I started learning the new organ cleansing qigong dvd I got this week. I like it and it's pretty simple to do.

I bought myself just before the Olympics started, an Olympic hat from the Bay and the Bay is a sponsor of the Olympics and I believe that the clothes they made are the official Olympic gear for the athletes. So in the newspaper, I see my hat all the time and I think how my hat is famous. I normally don't care to buy clothes that are popular but it's funny to see what I'm wearing in print. I like my hat. It's patriotic and it keeps my head warm as its one of those hats that covers the ears. It's gay looking and I like it!

Guilty as Sin

Greetings and Salutations,

I would like to get a free ipod, however, I must refer 5 people. I hate doing this sort of stuff but I just need 5 people. I already started this and so I would like to finish this. I can't back out now! (I'm one of those people who, once you start something, I like to finish it)
Anyways, I'll let y'all know when I've hit my limit.

Click here to access this ipods.freepay.com site

I started to organize my Steiner lectures yesterday. He's done over 6000 lectures and many of his books that are published are lectures. So I thought I'd finally organize that so that when I buy more books or single lectures, I won't be getting something I already have. A few of my lectures overlap, but nothing significant.

I got myself a new qigong dvd, but it isn't from the wild goose series. It's for organ cleansing and they claim it's good for detoxing. I saw the video yesterday and it looks pretty simple. I also finished learning a shamanic tiger dvd but I find myself enjoying the wild goose system more. The main wild goose routine and the shamanic tiger routine both take about the same length of time but with the wild goose I start feeling warmth sooner whereas in the tiger one, I might feel trinkles of warmth. Anyone who is a practioner of qigong knows that once you start feeling warm, that is a good sign. I want to look at other dvds and styles because I think it's important to expose yourself to different methods.
I'll try this new qigong and see if I like it.

My parents are renovating the kitchen and last week we had porcelain (I think) tiles put in as the ceramic we had before was cracking. We used to have one wall with wallpaper and my parents decided to stick with that and they had someone do the wallpapering. They also decided to add that border wallpaper. The wallpaper strikes me as very typical Italian. It's grapes on a vine. The border is fruit bowls.
I'm so anti-Italian, except when it comes to the sciences because many great scientists or explorers were Italians and in the early days, it took great courage and balls to stand up against the 'establishment'.
Anyways, the whole design of the wallpaper was so typical Italian. It made me cringe. It looks nice though but still...
I'm just glad we don't have those lion statues in front of our house.
Apparently putting plastic on your furniture is an Italian thing as well or do other cultures do that?
Unfortunately my mother does use plastic on the kitchen and dinning room tables.
I promise when I move out and buy my own furniture, I won't do that!

A Petition to Consider

Greetings and Salutations,

I have a link to a petition that I would appreciate if people would consider looking into. It is in regards to the situation in Uganda where many children are forced to leave their homes at night so that they do not become kidnapped or killed during the night. The Lord's Resistance Army and the Ugandan government have had a 20 year civil war. The children are at risk from being abducted by the LRA to join their ranks. The children are known as night commuters.
Please see below for more information for links.

Petition to UN and its Member States
To learn more about the Uganda situation
Night Commuters in Northern Uganda

Non sequitur girl

I think if I were to be a super hero, I would be non sequitur girl. Disarm and disorient villains by speaking non sequiturs. Excellent mental tactics. At improv, I have a tendency to say non sequiturs all the time. I don't know why. I enjoy it though, because at least for me, it keeps things interesting.

My friend, whom I consider my best friend and we used to date, thinks he's smarter then me. We talk on the phone all the time and I find he is one of the few people who understands me as he is a calm and emotionally mature and honest person. I just don't understand why he thinks he's smarter then me. He's skipped a grade. My mother skipped a grade. I know of an ex boyfriend as well who skipped a grade. Then I realized today... see this is an example of where my brain is slow in processing statements people make... that these 2 people went to public schools where it was considered normal practice to skip or fail a grade. My mother went to a Catholic school and she went in a time when the Catholic system skipped or held back people. My mother was put back a grade when she was 7 as she was an immigrant. But then they made her skip a grade, and she went from 6-8, balancing out things.
I went to a Catholic system, where everyone passed regardless of how poor you did and you didn't advance, no matter how well you did. Maybe if I went to a public system, I'd have skipped a grade as I found school generally too boring. So skipping a grade doesn't mean anything you PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM FUCKERS because us CATHOLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM PEOPLE didn't have that same system of skipping or passing people.
I'm not bitter at all really. Different systems.

Anyways, I'm smarter then he is. I'm a different type of smart. I'm eccentric genius smart. I'm into concepts, ideas, creativity. I'm like some mad witch constantly brewing concepts in my mind, constantly twisting and mixing things about. Cackling away until I discover a nice thought.
I just object to him saying he's smarter then me, but I cannot convince him. I would be content if he said that we're different smart, that neither of us are smarter then the other. Although I believe my intelligence is more better, and like wine my intelligence gets better with age and so I believe that I will become more brilliant as time progresses and the efforst that I make with my anthroposophical studies.
I've asked myself what makes my intelligence more better then his?
I don't know I just think I have some sort of mental gift and I just think he should acknowledge that, rather then insist he is smarter then me.

Phone break!

I just finished talking to him on the phone just now and told him how I am writing about him. Overall he feels that he has an edge in intelligence and he does agree that I am different smart. He believes that if we were to take intelligence tests that he'd fare better.
I think that IQ tests are quite flawed as an intelligence indicator. How do they come up with these things? I seriously see them as limited because they are only as good as those who design them. What if God came up with an IQ test? He/She would have a different perspective on what is considered intelligence, particularly since God is supposedly all knowing.
I'm assuming a team of people design these tests but wouldn't people who were all super intelligent design a better test? Where does creativity come into play?

I believe that as I grow and evolve as a human, I will become a genius. I believe that it possible for me to take my intelligence on a different level. That's why I think I'm smarter then my friend. I expect in time that genius will be my normal state. I have perceived something within myself that marks the sign of genius and greatness and it is unfortunate that my friend has not perceived that.
I think this genius is within everyone but most people lack the motivation to tap into it.

Back to my brew... cackle, cackle, cackle.

Save me from Sudoku!

I've seen Sudoku before and this weekend I started playing online and have found myself addicted. I spent numerous hours playing. I feel like I've wasted time but Seasonal Affective Disorder has seem to have a sudden effect on me this week and I lack the motivation to do anything productive due to feeling incredibly fatigued.
Yeah that's right folks, even pretty girls, such as myself, stay home on a Saturday night to play nerdy games such as Sudoku all weekend long.

I'm wishing all an early Happy Valentine's. It's the holiday kept alive by corporations in order to suck dry the wallets of foolish men who have been forced to believe that you have to buy your woman something to prove that you love her because if you don't, it means you're a jerk.
It's a holiday for women to reinforce the fact that we hold the power in a relationship (some women just don't get that and stay in unhealthy relationships).
A liberated woman may choose to buy something or do something special such as put out via doggy style.
But we all know what an innocent holiday has become. Oh Mr. Valentine look what your mad idea has done. An idea born out of love - to celebrate love - has become an opportunity to make money off of gullible, pussy hungry men.
But what is wrong with making money.
I support making money. It creates jobs and keeps the economy going.
Slaughter away the flowers that give us oxygen and take away our carbon dioxide.
Massacre the cocoa bean.

Thoughts from a bitter single woman?
No I'm not bitter at all.
I will celebrate self-love and narcissism tomorrow.
I will make sweet love to myself.
I will whisper sweet nothings to myself in the mirror declaring my hotness and my undying devotion to myself.
I will take myself to sexual heights unclimbed before.
I will make myself melt.
And I will fall in love with myself.
All.
Over.
Again.

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!"

The Muppet Personality Test

I made my annual trek to Guelph to purchase my Steiner books. There's only a few dealers who have the books on hand. I know that Chapters and Indigo have them, but only available online. So I go to Guelph to get my books. There's a dealer in Toronto but I'd rather go to Guelph.
The drive was crummy and as usual, my worried mother informs me that there's this storm warning or something. Yes mother, thanks for instilling paranoia into my optimistic mind. Like a weather warning is going to keep me from going out and getting my Steiner fix! It was raining here in Hamilton and then on the way there it turned into slush and then snow. And on my way back, it was snow and ice pellets and then turned to slush and then rain.
I need a new book shelf because mine got filled a long time ago. I'm going to move out this year so my books will be more organized. I have a few scattered upstairs.
I had to specially order some lecture pamphlets and I got a whack of them. There were expensive too. Some were just one or two lectures and it would cost $10. I got in total about 15 items. I finally got this one book that I've been wanting for several years but it never felt like the right time to study it. I'm so happy that I'm ready to read it. There's been a few Steiner books in my lifetime where I felt like I wasn't ready for the ideas but was eager to learn about them and eventually I became ready to learn them. So it's nice that now I can read this book. The book is only 4 lectures and it's called Human and Cosmic Thought. The description sounds good so hopefully it's actually an accurate description of the content. He talks about the 12 main philosophical standpoints and that progress in philosophy depends not upon defending one and refusing others but in learning to experience the validity of them all. Learning these different standpoints is supposed to help us overcome narrowmindedness. I've taken philosophy in university so I'm probably familiar with some of them and he does talk about different philosophy views in Philosophy of Freedom.
Other books I bought include Colour, which is to discuss insights into colour, painting and artistic creation based on Goethe's Theory of Colour. Steiner had a lot of experience studying the work of Goethe because he got to work on his archives. Goethe was around approximately the same time as Newton and he had a different theory on colour then Newton but it wasn't really accepted. Goethe was an artist and a scientist and so he incorporated both in his findings.
I bought Broken Vessels which I think I was told had a different name and they changed it. Here he discusses how healing needs to look into the invisible as well as the visible aspects that make up humans. He calls it inner frailty (the invisible). I think he discusses mental illness as well.
Other titles purchased include Education as a Source for Social Change, An Occult Physiology, Secret Brotherhoods and Anthroposophy has Something to Add to Modern Science. Most of my pamphlets discuss the social order and economic ideas.
Mental orgasms begin!

I went to a friend's new place in Toronto last night. Again my mother was concerned about the weather and asked me if it were possible I could stay over night if necessary. Seriously, it was only raining. Rain is not that dangerous!
My friend didn't have curtains and there was an apartment building across from her building because there's basically 2 in the same lot. So I wanted to flash the people across because hey, maybe we're being watched - which is kinda cool. What can I say my inner performer came out and I would dance in front of the curtainless windows. I couldn't see anyone but maybe there was some pervert who was watching and whose heart I was warming. I would only flash my belly because I'm really just a tease and I think my friend exposed her bra or maybe the whole stuff.