Wow, I am so glad now that I can quantify my selfishness. Note the sarcasm.

You Are 27% Selfish

In general, you are a very giving person who treats others very well. But at times, you insist on getting your way - when it matters most to you.

How Selfish Are You?

My Puss-say Cat

Here are some pictures of my cat Sally. We got her 10 years ago at the SPCA. I believe in love at first sight because when I saw Sally, I knew that she was the one I wanted. She is so beautiful. I tell her everyday that I love her and that she is beautiful. I never tire of saying it.
She doesn't feeel the same way I do about her. She is one of those aloof cats and isn't really affectionate. She hates people as well. She hisses at my 2 brothers who come over every Sunday. She hasn't registered the fact that they are apart of the family even though they don't live here.
I find my cat incredibly sexy. If I were a male cat, I would totally want to get it on with her. She just oozes a sexualness when she walks. However, I Paula, the human would never seriously consider getting it on with her. First of all, she's a cat. Secondly she's a female and I'm not into the whole girl-on-girl thing and finally, Sally wouldn't give me that emotional attention and affection that for me is very important to have in a relationship.

Anyways, here's Sally, the love of my life. Gosh, isn't she so fucking beautiful! And hot!

Happy Easter!

I enjoyed this long weekend. I went for a real hike with a friend of mine on Friday and it also involved climbing steep muddy, rocky hills and going down them. I didn't know we'd do that but I guess we were up for the adventure. We both got quite muddy. We would use the roots of trees to help ourselves up this one really steep hill. We thought we were stuck once we got to the top of this area and we thought that the only way back was to go back down. The best route was this rocky area and my friend went first. She was coaching me down the beginning as it was quite steep and there were minimal secure places to step down. It was quite awkward for me because if I'm going down a hill, I'm more comfortable facing forward. I had to face the rocks and basically have my back face forward. I think if I were to do that again, I'd be more comfortable. It went against all my natural instincts. I was quite appreciative to all the rocks and tree roots that helped to make climbing up and down these steep hills easier.
We had some good conversations. She has a father that's bi-polar manic depressive and I have 2 schizophrenic brothers. We both had a stage when we were in our early 20s where we felt quite depressed. It was interesting to hear her say she was worried in her 20s that she too might become mentally ill like her father because that was something I was always concerned about as well when I was growing. That's no longer a concern for us. Maybe about 4 years ago I really felt like I've passed that risky stage where I could become mentally ill. I'm safe now.
I find it interesting that we both had these similar fears that we could become mentally ill. I'm at this point in my life where I feel like all of my problems and feelings are not unique. Everyone's had the same fears or problems and I'm not alone. It's quite liberating.
We're all more all alike than we want to admit. It really is an illusion that we are separated.

But there are people who probably are not like us. I finished reading a book entitled "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. That's right I actually read non-Steiner books. I think I read more non-Steiner books. I just have always found Steiner more stimulating but I have read the occasion good non-Steiner book and this one was one of them. A sociopath basically has no conscience and so they can do anything without feeling guilty. They are only concerned about dominating others. For them experiencing emotions such as caring and love is something that they are not capable of. Not everyone who is a sociopath is a killer or a criminal. They can be freeloaders or just shit disturbers who aren't interested in people unless it serves their own personal agenda. About 4% of the American population is sociopathic. In Japan it was under 1%. Western culture definitely supports the selfish drive of the sociopath.
An important sign in recognizing a sociopath is that they actually enjoy being pitied. They thrive on people pitying them.
Sociopaths also can be found in positions that we would usually associate with someone who has a conscience such as a doctor or a principal. It's quite necessary to challenge authority and not just assume someone is a good person just because of their job. The book references an experiement showing that 6 times out of 10, people will submit their will to that of a perceived authority even if they are required to do something that they consider immoral. It would cause them great stress but they still obeyed authority.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 4 - Her Bedroom

Happy Good Friday!

Our last stop is my mother's bedroom. Here are a few items that are on her chest of drawers.

The Pieta in Giant Hands

This item my mother purchased of the Pope John Paul II after he died and it contains a rosary. I think she bought it when she was in Italy, but I am not 100% sure.

Pope John Paul II Rosary Container

The following item is a picture that hangs over my parent's bed.

Mary and baby Jesus

The final stop is the dresser. An abundance of religious items can be found here. This item here is an angel paperweight and on the rock it is inscribed, "Each day is God's Master Piece". I think someone gave this to my mother as a gift.

Angel Paperweight

This item is another gift given to my mother for her birthday from someone in her parish. My mother's birthstone is the amethyst. Mine is a garnet if any suitors are interested in purchasing me jewerly.

Crucified Jesus on amethyst with angel

Here is a giant Mary. It has been rumoured she had a growth spurt after Jesus' crucification. After her growth spurt, she was now physically able to hold the cross of the crucified Jesus.

A Sad Mary

Mary poster

Giant Mary statue

And here's the standard Bible.

Holy Bible Container

Holy Bible

St. Anthony

Finally, you can't call yourself a Catholic unless you actually possess Holy Water, which is water blessed by a priest.

Holy Water

This four part series of my mother's religious paraphernalia has been concluded. She has no idea that I keep a blog (as she is technically clueless and probably has never heard of the term, 'blog') and that I have publicly posted these pictures. All pictures have been put up for innocent amusement and no maliciousness was intended.
All jokes made towards Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and any other religious entity has been approved by God.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 3 - The Basement

Greetings and Salutations,

Today we wlll venture into the basement. As you can see we have another religious calendar. This is a St. Anthony calendar. My mother subscribes to St. Anthony Messenger and they included a calendar. I actually like to read this magazine because they do bring up social issues that are going on in the world. I don't agree with certain ideas but I find that it is thought provoking so I can at least respect it because of that.
This calendar doesn't look particularly religious. As you can see this month's picture features a man getting run over by a wagon. In the text box it states that as this man's life is in danger, St. Anthony decides to save his life. If you take a closer look at the picture, you may notice that the wheel is a danger but if you look at that white object next to the wheel - it looks like a bent hoe actually - it looks like it's going to slice his head if the wagon doesn't stop. Heartwarming isn't it? Pray to St. Anthony so that you don't get your head violently sliced off by a run away horse carrying a wagon.
Yes.
Very modern advice.

St. Anthony Calendar

As an avid wagon engineer, this little 'hoe' serves no actual purpose in the design of this wagon. It has been designed simply to slice people's heads off if they get caught under the wagon. Slicing the head off also makes it easier for the wheels to further destroy your body.



On top of the entertainment unit we have this replica of St. Peter's Baslicia. I think my parents bought it last year when they went to Italy. Tacky eh?

St. Peter's Basilica

Our last item is this Franklin Mint Plate of Praying Hands. Of all the religious items my mother owns, this one I actually like. When I used to do yoga downstairs (I do qigong now!), it was nice to focus on the praying hands when I was doing a balacing posture such as The Tree pose. It actually helped me to quickly get into a mode of reverance when I did yoga because the praying hands are a symbol of reverance.

Praying Hands Plate

Our last stop will be my mother's room.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 2 - The Living Room

Greetings and salutations,

Today I will show you the paraphernalia of our living room. Our first stop is this picture of Mary and Jesus. I believe it is a crocheted poster my mother purchased. It is on the left side of the wall as soon as you enter our living room. We were renovating the entranceway these past few days so that ladder that you see is no longer there.

Mary and Jesus

We will now stop and take a look into the entertainment cabinet. This is a picture of the Egg Nativity scene. Why we have something of a Christmas nature displayed all year round is beyond me.

Egg Nativity Scene

Next is this egg of these cherubims or seraphims and they are cooing over our precious baby Jesus. I will just call them uber angels because I don't know exactly what they are, but I think they are above the angels in the spiritual hierarchy. I could be wrong. They might just be angels.

Uber Angels and Baby Jesus

We will now journey to the cabinet on the left. This angel that you see is one of the angels my mother has crafted.

An Angel

Here is another Jesus, Mary and Joseph ceramic. Where's God in all of this? Don't you think God might get a little annoyed that he's never part of the pictures that features this family. After all he did knock up Mary. I know he's supposedly invisible but couldn't they symbolically integrate God into these family portraits?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph

Here we arrive at more angels. My mother also crafted the angel on the right.

Angels

The final stop is this lovely statue by Michaelangelo entitled Pieta. Here Mary is holding the crucified Jesus. She is quite young in this statue and it has been postulated that Mary is holding the baby Jesus but we see the crucified Jesus, which is the future of this baby.

The Pieta

Next entry we will make a trek to our basement.

My Mother's Religious Paraphernalia Part 1 - The Kitchen

Greeting and salutations earthlings,

My mother is a religious woman and active in the church. A religious enthusiast if you will. I think she is a fairly good example of someone who is a churchgoer. She is non-judgmental and has a positive and loving nature. How I evolved from her womb and became the person I am is still largely a mystery for the scientific community.

I will be showing pictures over the next few days of all the various religious paraphernalia my mother has in the house. Today I will be showing the religious items in our kitchen.

Our first stop is the left window ledge near the sink, where we see this cute statue of the late Pope John Paul II. It creeps me out because for me it's like, "dude you got a figurine of someone who died. It's so cartoony. It's like that buddy Christ in that Dogma movie" For my mother however, it is a sign of respect.

Pope John Paul II

Next is the new Pope. We don't want to be showing disrespect to the new Pope by just having pictures of past popes so that is why this picture is next to the John Paul figurine.

Pope Benedict XVI


On the opposite window ledge we come to this figurine of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Notice how there is an Extra Strength bottle of Tylenol and a mini bottle of alcohol next to it. My father keeps these mini alcohol bottles for show in our kitchen.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph

Next we will move along to the fridge. Here are fridge magnets on the front of the fridge.

Front of Fridge

And now we shall explore the magnets on the side of the fridge. The magnet on the left quotes Psalms 3:33 stating; "Sing unto the Lord a new song". The magnet on the right is that of Mary. Did I mention she's a virgin?

Side of Fridge

Here's a magnet of St. Anthony. I believe many people gravitate towards a Saint based on many things such as having a family member that shares the same name or they have a Feast day in common.

St. Anthony holding baby Jesus

A house would be incomplete if it didn't have a Jesus and Joseph thermometer! Yes I know a fucking mini thermometer! What a crazy idea.

The mini Jesus and Joseph Thermometer

Moving right along we come to the religious calendar. Before my parents renovated our kitchen, we had 2 religious calendars but now we just have one.

Religious Calendar

Our last stop in the kitchen we find this plaque that is next to the entranceway of our kitchen. This plaque reads: Immaculate Heart of Mary Pray for Us who have Recourse to Thee. This plaque is above my eye level and I am only 5'6" so if you're 5'10" then it probably would be eye level for you.

Mary Plaque

Next entry we will journey into the living room.

Brotherhood and the Struggle for Existence

In Steiner's lecture Brotherhood and the Struggle for Existence, he briefly mentions about past scientific evidence in relation to struggling for existence. A Russian scientist named Kessler had showed that the animals capable of development and become truly progressive are not the ones that do the most fighting, but those that give mutual support to one another, that help each other. Struggle is present but the question becomes what furthers development more: warfare or mutual assistance? Peter Kropotkin, an anarchist, wrote a book entitled Mutual Help in the Animal Kingdom and Human Life which provides evidence that mutually assistance leads to progress instead of fighting.
The struggle for existence has its place in the world. It takes a certain amount of egoism to develop our talents and to take initiative but if we do not work on ourselves and develop our talents, we will be poor helpers.
Survival of the fittest is a complete myth. Many people are strong in one area and weak in others. Who determines what is strong and what is weak? It is all dependent on perspective. What I may perceive within myself as a weakness may from another more wiser perspective may be my greatest strength.
When I watch these reality shows, like say the Apprentice, it becomes quite evident that the teams that do well are the ones that make an effort to put their ego aside and work together inside of fighting.
I think it's great that we all have egos but it's also important that we can put it aside and forget about ourselves.
Brotherhood and the struggle for existence are 2 distinct streams that work in humans. We must recognize that within individuals there is something that yearns for both individuality and brotherhood/community. Neither must be denied and both must be developed.

Reality

She was beginning to realize that maybe God didn't have plans for her. She was beginning to realize the futility of life. Everyone around her had something going on in their life that was interesting. People had jobs that they liked, children to take care of, friends to socialize with. They lived their life with some sense of purpose.
All she wanted was success and a loving relationship. It was all too elusive for her. The continual search for meaning and purpose for her life left her tired. She tried becoming more compassionate and loving and that seemed to help.
Thoughts of self annihilation would continue to seep into her. She would gradually become more comfortable being herself but she found that the more she became herself, the more people withdrew from her. Her kindness and honesty were too much for some people. For some, cruelty was the norm and being loving and kind was considered violent.
She gradually become more isolated and she only had her own thoughts to entertain her. The people who she thought were her friends only trivialized her feelings and her insights. The gentleness that she was allowing people to see was being trampled upon.
She wanted to make a difference in the world. She wanted to know that her words and actions did create positive change in the world.
She was frozen. She could not carry out the will of her spirit. She did not know what was blocking her and she soon began to realize the frailty of her ambitions.
She did not know what to do with her latent potential. She wanted to bloom but could not. She knew she had to make the right choice. She did not believe in a pre-determined destiny. She believed in free will and choices.
She continued to pursue her ambitions only to have constant rejections. Unable to hold down a job. Unable to move out and become independent. Unable to attract a loving companion. Unable to fit in with her peers whom she so craved for their respect. It was becoming too much for her.
What will be her next step, her next choice?
Confusion was becoming her normal state. Her once clear and direct demeanor soon became riddled with extreme self-doubt.
What should she choose? She was constantly choosing life, choosing growth, choosing love but these paths were failing her.
All it did was leave her poor, lonely and frustrated.
What happens to things that aren't allowed to become what they were meant to do?
What happens to the rose that isn't allowed to become that rose?
What happens to the grass that isn't allowed to become that grass?
What happens to that dove that isn't allowed to become that dove?

She didn't want to choose self annihilation. She decided to continue her efforts in hopes that life will work out.
It had been 7 years and she still had found herself in the same position.
No loving relationship. No job. No independence. No purpose.
She had garnered some wisdom during this time but wisdom does not pay the rent.

She continued to apply for work in fields she wasn't interested in. She continued making meager wages and any attempt to improve her economic position was squashed and she was thrown back down the well of poverty.
She continued to pour her energy into winning the respect of her peers. She was already an outsider of society and now her outsider friends were making her an outsider. Her presence was habitually ignored. No one dared to ask her how her day was.
She maintained a sunny disposition. For in some areas of her life, she truly was happy and at peace.
At night she would search her soul and all she could do was cry.
Her life wasn't working out. She learned at a young age that you cannot plan life.
Life was taking her nowhere. Numerous attempts to take control of her life and to direct her life led her nowhere.
She was trapped and didn't know a way out.
She always believed that the feeling of being trapped was a misperception and that we always could find a way out of our misery.
She was beginning to realize that statement was a lie.
She was beginning to believe that life played favourites and that it didn't matter how positively you thought and if you had faith in the goodness of the universe.
If life played favourites, what good choices could she possibly make?

She chose self annihilation.

Spring Forward

I started to knit a few days ago. My mother is a regular knitter and she always gets the Mary Maxim catalogue and I saw one sweater that I liked and I thought I'd try to make it myself as my mother always knitted things for me. I'm giving myself ample time to finish it and since it's a winter sweater, my goal is to finish it by October. I'm not sure if I want to work on it about 10 minutes a day or maybe pick a few days a week and work on it. I want to work on it consistently though.
I've done 5 rows. My mother told me casting on is the hardest part and it took me about 5 or 6 attempts to actually realize what I was doing wrong. My sweater is simple to do. I'm starting off ribbing and so my stitching is knit 3 and purl 2 and the following row is reversed. I'm better then when I first started out. I still get the 2 stitches mixed up. Also the sweater requires that I use 2 strings instead of the usual single string.

When my mother knits in the living room, our cat Sally will pounce on the shadow of the yarn and needle. Sally was also doing this while I was knitting and she was pouncing on the shadow of my needle.

The Hills Are Alive

I'm at odds with whether I should buy a new computer or not. In between thoughts of why am I on this earth and what's for dinner, I am becoming consumed with my computer dilema. I want a dual core but I read that it would be better to wait 6 months for the technology to be more mainstream. I don't want to spend more then $900 on a laptop and the only Dell dual core near my price range is $1100 but then I have to worry about the operating system. Do I want to continue to support the mediocrity known as Microsoft or do I support Linux? Do I want to support IE or Firefox? More research must be done on my part.
On top of it, my computer has been acting quite shifty lately and I think it's because of some viruses or maybe not.
This is probably one good reason why I wish I had a geek boyfriend. My first geek boyfriend bought my computer for me and loaded it up with various programs. Mind you he was an asshole...

We have a morning dove who is spawning in our evergreen tree. We had robins last year in our tree.

A Message From the Doppelganger of George W. Bush

Hello World and Fellow Americans,

This is the doppelganger of the infamous George Bush. I have important news. I can't go on being his doppelganger anymore. He is too much of an asshole and even for someone as diabolical and sinister as I am, I just can't deal with his shit anymore. I can't believe the lies and the propaganda that he's spewing. Yes I take some responsibility, but he has gone too far. I have to incarnate into a soul that is more virtuous then Mr. Bush.
America, I have to let you on a secret that maybe none of your Presidents haven't shared with you. You're not really the economic powerhouse of the world. You're not really this superpower of the world. You just have great PR. You're really like a teenager who thinks she/he is invincible and has a false sense of bravado. But you're not! You're a country that's got issues and problems just like all the other countries in the world.
The world doesn't need saving. You know at first I thought it was great to try and 'Americanize' all the other countries in the world and force democracy down their throats. I thought it was great to feed the American public this illusion that we're saving people because no one is going to knock someone who wants to help people. It's a great ploy. Being manipulative under the guise of Virtuousness. But then I started having pangs of conscience. Yes I know, fucking unbelievable, a doppelganger of all entitites to have this type of experience. When I made this realization it was like that scene from the Crying Game and all I could do was puke for 4 days.

So I had to leave Mr. Bush. You're on your own now cocksucker. I can't go on being manipulative and so deceiving to the American public. I believe countries need to be sovereign. Democracy is something that results because people have a burning desire to be independent and free. We cannot coerce our ethics and what we think is right onto other nations. We just can't be so deceitful anymore. We can't pretend to be heros when we really have more selfish intentions.

I would like to apologize to the world. I am sorry for what I did. I am sorry.

Yeah Income Tax

I did my income tax and so I am anticipating a return in the next few weeks. I'm thinking of using that money for a new laptop. I've done some research and I read an article about this new duo processor technology. The article suggests to wait to buy a new computer because of this technology. I've had my laptop since September 1999 and the people at Dell were not able to really help solve my problem since I had to call again. My computer is working okay for now but I don't know how much longer this baby will last.
The technicians just seemed so shocked and didn't seem to know how to fix a computer so old. Maybe Dell sucks for tech support when a computer gets so old and maybe I should have someone look into my computer.
Yes I still have Windows 98.

I don't want to spend much money on whatever laptop I buy. I spent way too much for this one. I like laptops because it gives me the freedom to take my computer wherever I want. Even though I tend to keep it in the same spot, I like knowing that I can take it wherever I want.
[cut to scenes of me carrying my laptop with glee down a major New York road.
cut to scenes of me in a wedding dress with me and my laptop on the dancefloor.
cut to scenes of me having kinky sex with some hot guy and me winking and saying to my laptop 'don't I make you proud lappie!']

I don't really use my computer for much. I use it mostly for internet and email. I also use Word and the accounting program and I like minesweeper. What else can I do with this thing anyways?
I know I'm sorry oh mighty computer geeks. I'm not utilizing my computer's full potential. And now I plan on buying a computer with even more power and I will continue to utilize a small amount of its power and potential. Any opinions and advice by computer geeks on what I can use my computer for or what's a good system to buy is welcomed.

I saw Madonna's new video Sorry. Near the end there is some dance off scene and we see Madonna incorporating Yoga moves into her fighting/dancing solo. She's done this before in a prior video. As a former Yoga practioner, I think it's great to be making Yoga hip but when you do that more then once in your vidoes, it looks to me like you are running out of creativity. I enjoy Madonna's music and her work but please, you've done the Yoga thing before in your videos, we know you're superflexible and in shape. Please explore something new.

Why is pee warm?

Obsessive Stalker Part 2

My inner obsessive stalker is doing well today. My inner stalker is relaxed and no one has been obsessively stalked. Let's see how inner obsessive stalker (IOS) is doing today.

Me: How are you feeling after last night?

IOS: I feel better. I don't feel so obsessed to stalk this individual.

Me: Are you concerned that you'll feel this way next week, that you'll have a relapse?

IOS: Right now I don't think I'll relapse. It's possible. I don't want to deny the possibility. I'm just taking it a day at a time so it's pretty hard for me to say what will happen next week.
I think I had an important experience last night so I feel much better and so I don't really think I'll have the same feelings and thoughts.

Me: I think everyone has these moments in life where we are so desperate to be loved and this desperation makes us feel and think and do things we normally don't do. This desire to be loved I think is a fundamental trait in humans. I think being and feeling unloved creates a great many aberrations in the psyches of people. What advice do you have for people who feel this desperation that can lead to stalking or wanting to stalk someone and being possessive?

IOS: I think it's important to acknowledge and listen to what we feel. Don't just take us literally, try and see the good that lies in us. We're just here to be transformed, to be released. All I am is an ignored need. Denying me just gets me more upset and giving me what I want just leaves me feeling empty and just throws me down even further into the abyss of obsession.

Me: Well I applaud your courage my inner obsessive stalker. I hope that my wonderful readers can learn from you. You live in all of us my inner obsessive stalker. You have taught me well. Thank you for your time.

IOS: Thanks. It was a pleasure to be featured on your blog.

Obsessive Stalker Part 1

Okay I'm feeling like stalking someone I ran into by accident last week. Now I normally don't stalk people but I must confess, I have a bit of obsessive stalker lurking in my soul. It normally doesn't come out. I usually have normal relationships with people. I'm on friendly terms with my inner obsessive stalker. I acknowledge it and that usually keeps it in line. My inner obsessive stalker might have gotten upset a few times but nothing hard core.
Today though my inner stalking is really wanting to stalk this person I ran into by accident. I found out this person regularly attends this 'event' and it is actually in what I consider to be 'my end of town' as it is in the end east of Hamilton and is about 5 minutes from my house by car. I knew this person participated in this activity but I thought it was on Wednesdays and in the downtown part of Hamilton. Now I find out it's close to my area.
I'm quite tempted to run into this person, drag them out into the bushes and have my way and make them love me.
Now I know I can't make someone love me but this is what my inner obsessive stalker wants. I know that it's not cool to stalk someone. It just makes you look bad and desperate, however, for the inner obsessive stalker in all of us, it just wants what it wants when it wants. I will begin a dialogue with my inner obsessive stalker.

What do you want inner obsessive stalker? What do you want from this person? What do you need? You can get that from yourself you know.
Is it something you want from this person in particular? What is this person triggering in you inner obsessive stalker?

Inner obsessive stalker is silent.

Inner obsessive stalker begins to speak about the stalkee.

Why do you ignore me?
Don't you want me?
I thought we had something special!
You hurt me and you ignore me.
I want to be your friend.
Why can't you grow up and be mature about the situation.

Thank you for sharing this my inner obsessive stalker.
Inner obsessive stalker has a few moments to cry as she feels her pain and acknowledges the hurt that she has ignored.

Well I think I'm going to let my inner obsessive stalker have a rest. I'm sure this was hard for her. Hopefully we'll hear more from her in the next few days.

Meditation Found to Increase Brain Size: A study by Harvard

Dell Technical Support

I had this problem with my computer on Wednesday night and contacted Dell for tech support last night. My problem was when I restarted Windows, I had an error message come up stating
While initializing device IOS
Error: real mode system memory allocation failed

I'm not into this techno stuff so I don't really understand what goes on. Anyways, I contacted Dell and I was on the phone waiting to speak to someone for 20 minutes and then I was on the phone for an hour trying to 'cure' my computer. This person gave me a few things to do to fix the problem but nothing seemed to work. The person said that if these things don't work, I may have to reinstall Windows.
We had one more thing to try - a technical activity requiring a screwdriver where I had to remove the memory and put it in another slot, or something to that affect. I unfortunately had my guitar lesson so I had to leave.

I call today and had to wait 13 minutes. The technical support person had me restore a registry from a few days ago and this seemed to solve my problem. I probably was on the phone for 10 minutes. I don't know if this was some bandage solution but I'm just happy my computer is up and running.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous? I've had this happen before when I've called Dell's tech support. My first call usually someone gives me a bunch of things to try which don't work and then they throw out the 'you'll have to reinstall windows' bullshit. I then call a second time because I think I'll probably find a better technician since I don't believe in reinstalling windows. I end up having my problem quickly solved with none of this 'reinstall windows' bullshit.

Dell, what is with this inconsistent tech support? Are your technicians receiving adequate training? I appreciate the fact that I can use their technical support but it would be better if the knowledge level was more consistent.
Dell maybe you should change your slogan to: Helping people on the second call.

I've been watching Much Music's VJ Search. I know, I should know better. I'm 27, I'm too old to be watching what has become a station of mindless sloth. I can't help it, I've been sucked in! Most of the contestants are 21 and a few are 23, one was 28 and another 25. The 28 year was kicked off probably because she was 'fat' and 'old', even though the judges didn't directly come out and say she was too old and fat for this position. I have fat and old in quotations because these terms are what I think the judges perceive. I didn't think she was fat or old as these terms have been used in relativity.
Anyways, I wonder what I would have been like if I was 21 and auditioning for this on tv. They are so whiny and emotionally immature. I don't want to be picking on them because it's a challenging situation to be. I've occasionally had moments where my emotions get the better of me. It just looks like they are letting their emotions out of control too much.
I guess I just don't understand how people can let themselves get so emotionally worked up all the time and I don't understand why people don't know how to keep things to themselves because sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut. I've been pissed off and annoyed by people so many times but I didn't go around consistently discussing this because I find that I more I discuss negative people or what annoys me, the more miserable I feel. Oh sure I've had the occasional rant but I think that's normal.
I think when I was around 21, I was striving to be emotionally mature and since I was 18 I have been consciously working on myself spiritually. So I just wonder if these people are aware of how they come off when they complain so much about trivial things. I liked a couple of the contestants because they believed in taking the high road and not being petty.

We had some interesting discussions in my study group on Sunday. We somehow got into the discussion about why don't people realize the spiritual content of The Lord of the Rings? One woman had a couple of books that discuss the philosophies of the book/movie but many people seem to be oblivious to the spiritual nature of the story. Apparently Tolkien knew CS Lewis and Owen Barfield (Barfield was a student of Rudolf Steiner's Anthroposophy) and I believe it was Lewis and Barfield who would engage in spiritual discussions and Tolkien was absorbing the various ideas. So there's probably a bit of anthroposophy in Lord of the Rings.
I think it's pretty simple as to why people are oblivious to the spiritual content. It's because people are afraid of admitting that there's a spiritual world. Even I get afraid of my spiritual experiences and try and look for a logical explanation. I study anthroposophy, a spiritual philsophy and there are many times where I experience this fear of the spiritual world.

I find that the more sex I have, the more I want it.
I find that the less sex I have, the more I want it.
Is there no happy medium?

Happy Birthday Co-Creator

Today it is my mother's birthday and we went to Mandarin for lunch. I'm not a huge fan of Mandarin because I always end up feeling sick afterwards. I didn't have ice cream this time, I just had some ice cream pie dessert. I normally eat large amounts of dessert but today I didn't feel like it. I also have a tip for eating ice cream at the Mandarin. I never eat the ice cream with the ice cream bowls they supply. Instead I use the soup bowls because they are larger.
I ended up having soup and then I noticed that they offered crackers in packs of 2 so I thought I'd take some to eat for later. Every time I went up to eat I would take several packs of crackers. I now have a whole bunch of crackers in my jacket.

I also baked a cake for my mother, which is something I never do. I should become a saint. I've baked before and usually my mother and I do so together. What motivated me to bake my mother a cake? Well when it was my birthday, she tried out some new recipe. I don't remember what went wrong but the top layer of the cake was slipping and the cake was misaligned and although it tasted good, it was architectually unsound. So I complained and my mother said that when it's her birthday I should make her a cake and so I said that I will to prove that I have the skills to make an architectually sound cake unlike the one my mother created.
I'm not motivated to do good out of the goodness of my heart.
I'm motivated to do good because I think I'm vastly superior to the majority of humans and I want to prove that I can do things better.

My one friend and I, along with someone else, went out and my friend was telling me about how someone we met in Yellowknife was talking to her (as they went out last weekend) about her experience at a Biodynamic farm. This girl from Yellowknife who's in Guelph now wants to go into farming and seed making and likes the methodology of Biodynamic farms, which is an initiative of Rudolf Steiner.
My friend knows that I've been studying Steiner for quite some time but when I was in Yellowknife, no one really knew that Steiner was a passion of mine. The girl in Guelph now remembers that I was the comedian (as I do improv) and so when my friend was telling her that I know about Steiner, she was surprised. She's got one of Steiner's books.
My friend and I were discussing how nice this girl is. I didn't really know her much and only hung out with her a few times. I was telling my friend how I felt that this person was probably the kindest person I've ever met. Sure I've met some nice people in my lifetime but you could feel her kind, gentle and accepting nature very strongly. We both agreed that she was an exceptionally loving individual.

I started experiencing allergy symptoms yesterday. I started experiencing allergies 3 years ago but it started around May or the end of April.

Narnia Dreams

I saw Narnia last night and I had this weird dream I was in a bomb shelter. But it wasn't like the regular kind. It was like an open-concept free standing building type of bomb shelter. There were glass windows which were bullet/bomb proof and I saw some bullets hitting the glass and leaving behind some indentations on the glass. Apparently everyone was preparing for the bombs because we were all required to insulate the grounds where we were to sit. And we had to use Legos for insulation to protect us from the bombs.
Thanks Narnia for inspiring that dream.

I dislike that new song by the Pussy Cat Dolls featuring Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas. I saw the video last week and hearing it just gets on my nerves. What is the point of listening to a song where half the chorus is bleeped out? And is filled with taunting laughter!
I don't give a BLEEP if your looking at my BLEEP
ha ha haha hahaha
Fuck you!

I cringe when I listen to lyrics. People write lyrics that aren't grammatically correct and make no sense. Or the sentences don't gel together. What is the song about? What is the point Mr./Mrs./Ms. Artist that you are trying to make in this song?

Off now to guitar lessons.

I find it so difficult to be a healthy human being in this time. So much psychological garbage to deal with. So much negativity and pettiness. So much defenses to break down. It's so difficult dealing with your own and other's insecurities. How the hell is someone to be happy, healthy and productive without killing themselves?
You say things and people misinterpret you or read into you too much and they project their own fears and insecurities onto you. You do the same, unable to see situations clearly.
Your own thoughts and ideas limit you.
You really are your own worst enemy.

Do people really believe in this idea of 'terrorists' that the media propagates? I don't think I'm the only one who believes that it's just bullshit.
Try telling that to the victims of 9-11 Paula.
A terrorist is defined as "the systematic employment of violence and intimidation to coerce a government or community especially into acceding to specific political demands"
Okay so what do these terrorists want? Have they clearly stated what they want? Or has the media stated so on their behalf?
Are these terrorists trying to 'take our freedom'?
How is that even possible? There are so many nations that are democratic, clearly democracy is growing as a political system?
Remember Hitler Paula?
Oh yeah how Hitler totally manipulated a mass of people.

I find it difficult to be social and yet to maintain my own individuality at times. More challenges in the process of becoming a healthy human being.

Is there a political gene in our DNA?
How is a Conservative (aka Republican) encoded in the DNA?
How is a Liberal (aka Democrat) encoded in the DNA?
How is a New Democrat (NDP) encoded in the DNA?
So if I'm Belinda Stronach, does that mean I have the abiility to manipulate my DNA?

How often do you think Bush has sex?
What do you think his favourite position would be?
Do you think he'd be into getting or giving oral?

Wouldn't it be nice if you could pay someone to do your thinking for you?
Or do you prefer doing your own thinking?

Huh?

We had some man, probably in his mid to late 30s knock at our door asking for Heather. There's no Heather here. I wonder if this was some girl he was dating and she gave him the wrong address?
Weird!

Claim it

I bought myself a music stand a few days ago so I could put my sheet music and my jazz book because it's easier to not play with a book on your lap. My guitar instructor gave me some blues chord and the general style in which they are played. Some of the chords I already knew but don't practice. A few are new and challenging. It's not easy to play the guitar especially an accoustic. I didn't think playing would be so physically demanding. My idea of demanding is lifting a tree but it's physically demanding for a small part of your body; the left hand and forearm. Now that I'm more familiar with blues, I find myself immensly enjoying it. My roomate in Yellowknife played blues alot and so that's why I wanted to learn some. I normally don't listen to blues.
I also learned chords for Holiday by Greenday and part of American Idiot. They're just power chords but one of them is challenging for me at this point.

I haven't been actively participating in the 'dating scene' but I have in my dream life, which I find amusing. I met some wealthy and successful young businessman and he had some nice home and he was in love with me and we were engaged. I had to break it off because I wasn't in love with him. I found that strange since why would I get engaged in the first place to someone whom I didn't have feelings for?
Another one I had a few days ago was I was dating someone and then he dumped me. The guys that I'm dating in my dreams don't look like anyone I've ever met.

The bebop and the swing section in my jazz book are the largest section and I'm just concentrating on them for now. I've learned 27 out of 31 licks from that section. There's another section for the bebop but it's about 6 licks. I'm going to skip to the jazz chords section either before or after I finish the bebop.

I was reading this book entitled The Wisdom of the Enneagram (a non-anthroposophical book) by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson and it's a book on personality types. I found it relevant and I seem to relate to the 8th personality which is the Challenger. There is 9 main types. The book lists the basic fear of each type and their desire. I read these type of books because I'm interested in personal inner/spiritual growth. I think inner, emotional and spiritual growth is the most important thing to do in life and it's unfortunate that the education system and our society neglects this. To me it's very practical because once you learn to pay attention and work with your inner world, it makes it easier to get along with others, to get things done effectively. I think it's relevant as well because one can choose to change the way they perceive the world. You can change things about yourself that you don't like.
Anyways, for my type the basic fear is of being harmed or controlled by others and of violation. The basic desire is to protect themselves and to determine their own course in life. For me that seems relevant to me. I'm not sure how to 'achieve' my desire to be protected but for the other aspect I have been meditating on the thought that I am in control of my life and I feel better and less tense. There were other things I felt were relevant for me and so I am working on that as well.

The book doesn't try to typecast people but it does provide a framework.

E Gad

I'm taking some guitar lessons again as I feel I have hit a plateau. Unfortunately it's on Thursday so I'll be unable to participate in improv. I did go out to socialize afterwards with them. My instructor actually lives a few blocks away from me. I wasn't really sure what I needed to work on. He gave me some barre chords and will be giving me some music theory. Next week I'll be learning Hotel California and a Green Day song. Hotel California apparently has a lot of barre chords and changes frequently so it will be a challenge to play. I told him I want to create my own music, which is partly why I don't really learn other songs. I do know a few though. I know some things about barre chords but I don't consistently practice them. I practice them briefly because they are hard to do on an acoustic. He's also going to show me some blues chords.

I started learning the new organ cleansing qigong dvd I got this week. I like it and it's pretty simple to do.

I bought myself just before the Olympics started, an Olympic hat from the Bay and the Bay is a sponsor of the Olympics and I believe that the clothes they made are the official Olympic gear for the athletes. So in the newspaper, I see my hat all the time and I think how my hat is famous. I normally don't care to buy clothes that are popular but it's funny to see what I'm wearing in print. I like my hat. It's patriotic and it keeps my head warm as its one of those hats that covers the ears. It's gay looking and I like it!

Guilty as Sin

Greetings and Salutations,

I would like to get a free ipod, however, I must refer 5 people. I hate doing this sort of stuff but I just need 5 people. I already started this and so I would like to finish this. I can't back out now! (I'm one of those people who, once you start something, I like to finish it)
Anyways, I'll let y'all know when I've hit my limit.

Click here to access this ipods.freepay.com site

I started to organize my Steiner lectures yesterday. He's done over 6000 lectures and many of his books that are published are lectures. So I thought I'd finally organize that so that when I buy more books or single lectures, I won't be getting something I already have. A few of my lectures overlap, but nothing significant.

I got myself a new qigong dvd, but it isn't from the wild goose series. It's for organ cleansing and they claim it's good for detoxing. I saw the video yesterday and it looks pretty simple. I also finished learning a shamanic tiger dvd but I find myself enjoying the wild goose system more. The main wild goose routine and the shamanic tiger routine both take about the same length of time but with the wild goose I start feeling warmth sooner whereas in the tiger one, I might feel trinkles of warmth. Anyone who is a practioner of qigong knows that once you start feeling warm, that is a good sign. I want to look at other dvds and styles because I think it's important to expose yourself to different methods.
I'll try this new qigong and see if I like it.

My parents are renovating the kitchen and last week we had porcelain (I think) tiles put in as the ceramic we had before was cracking. We used to have one wall with wallpaper and my parents decided to stick with that and they had someone do the wallpapering. They also decided to add that border wallpaper. The wallpaper strikes me as very typical Italian. It's grapes on a vine. The border is fruit bowls.
I'm so anti-Italian, except when it comes to the sciences because many great scientists or explorers were Italians and in the early days, it took great courage and balls to stand up against the 'establishment'.
Anyways, the whole design of the wallpaper was so typical Italian. It made me cringe. It looks nice though but still...
I'm just glad we don't have those lion statues in front of our house.
Apparently putting plastic on your furniture is an Italian thing as well or do other cultures do that?
Unfortunately my mother does use plastic on the kitchen and dinning room tables.
I promise when I move out and buy my own furniture, I won't do that!

A Petition to Consider

Greetings and Salutations,

I have a link to a petition that I would appreciate if people would consider looking into. It is in regards to the situation in Uganda where many children are forced to leave their homes at night so that they do not become kidnapped or killed during the night. The Lord's Resistance Army and the Ugandan government have had a 20 year civil war. The children are at risk from being abducted by the LRA to join their ranks. The children are known as night commuters.
Please see below for more information for links.

Petition to UN and its Member States
To learn more about the Uganda situation
Night Commuters in Northern Uganda

Non sequitur girl

I think if I were to be a super hero, I would be non sequitur girl. Disarm and disorient villains by speaking non sequiturs. Excellent mental tactics. At improv, I have a tendency to say non sequiturs all the time. I don't know why. I enjoy it though, because at least for me, it keeps things interesting.

My friend, whom I consider my best friend and we used to date, thinks he's smarter then me. We talk on the phone all the time and I find he is one of the few people who understands me as he is a calm and emotionally mature and honest person. I just don't understand why he thinks he's smarter then me. He's skipped a grade. My mother skipped a grade. I know of an ex boyfriend as well who skipped a grade. Then I realized today... see this is an example of where my brain is slow in processing statements people make... that these 2 people went to public schools where it was considered normal practice to skip or fail a grade. My mother went to a Catholic school and she went in a time when the Catholic system skipped or held back people. My mother was put back a grade when she was 7 as she was an immigrant. But then they made her skip a grade, and she went from 6-8, balancing out things.
I went to a Catholic system, where everyone passed regardless of how poor you did and you didn't advance, no matter how well you did. Maybe if I went to a public system, I'd have skipped a grade as I found school generally too boring. So skipping a grade doesn't mean anything you PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM FUCKERS because us CATHOLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM PEOPLE didn't have that same system of skipping or passing people.
I'm not bitter at all really. Different systems.

Anyways, I'm smarter then he is. I'm a different type of smart. I'm eccentric genius smart. I'm into concepts, ideas, creativity. I'm like some mad witch constantly brewing concepts in my mind, constantly twisting and mixing things about. Cackling away until I discover a nice thought.
I just object to him saying he's smarter then me, but I cannot convince him. I would be content if he said that we're different smart, that neither of us are smarter then the other. Although I believe my intelligence is more better, and like wine my intelligence gets better with age and so I believe that I will become more brilliant as time progresses and the efforst that I make with my anthroposophical studies.
I've asked myself what makes my intelligence more better then his?
I don't know I just think I have some sort of mental gift and I just think he should acknowledge that, rather then insist he is smarter then me.

Phone break!

I just finished talking to him on the phone just now and told him how I am writing about him. Overall he feels that he has an edge in intelligence and he does agree that I am different smart. He believes that if we were to take intelligence tests that he'd fare better.
I think that IQ tests are quite flawed as an intelligence indicator. How do they come up with these things? I seriously see them as limited because they are only as good as those who design them. What if God came up with an IQ test? He/She would have a different perspective on what is considered intelligence, particularly since God is supposedly all knowing.
I'm assuming a team of people design these tests but wouldn't people who were all super intelligent design a better test? Where does creativity come into play?

I believe that as I grow and evolve as a human, I will become a genius. I believe that it possible for me to take my intelligence on a different level. That's why I think I'm smarter then my friend. I expect in time that genius will be my normal state. I have perceived something within myself that marks the sign of genius and greatness and it is unfortunate that my friend has not perceived that.
I think this genius is within everyone but most people lack the motivation to tap into it.

Back to my brew... cackle, cackle, cackle.

Save me from Sudoku!

I've seen Sudoku before and this weekend I started playing online and have found myself addicted. I spent numerous hours playing. I feel like I've wasted time but Seasonal Affective Disorder has seem to have a sudden effect on me this week and I lack the motivation to do anything productive due to feeling incredibly fatigued.
Yeah that's right folks, even pretty girls, such as myself, stay home on a Saturday night to play nerdy games such as Sudoku all weekend long.

I'm wishing all an early Happy Valentine's. It's the holiday kept alive by corporations in order to suck dry the wallets of foolish men who have been forced to believe that you have to buy your woman something to prove that you love her because if you don't, it means you're a jerk.
It's a holiday for women to reinforce the fact that we hold the power in a relationship (some women just don't get that and stay in unhealthy relationships).
A liberated woman may choose to buy something or do something special such as put out via doggy style.
But we all know what an innocent holiday has become. Oh Mr. Valentine look what your mad idea has done. An idea born out of love - to celebrate love - has become an opportunity to make money off of gullible, pussy hungry men.
But what is wrong with making money.
I support making money. It creates jobs and keeps the economy going.
Slaughter away the flowers that give us oxygen and take away our carbon dioxide.
Massacre the cocoa bean.

Thoughts from a bitter single woman?
No I'm not bitter at all.
I will celebrate self-love and narcissism tomorrow.
I will make sweet love to myself.
I will whisper sweet nothings to myself in the mirror declaring my hotness and my undying devotion to myself.
I will take myself to sexual heights unclimbed before.
I will make myself melt.
And I will fall in love with myself.
All.
Over.
Again.

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!"

The Muppet Personality Test

I made my annual trek to Guelph to purchase my Steiner books. There's only a few dealers who have the books on hand. I know that Chapters and Indigo have them, but only available online. So I go to Guelph to get my books. There's a dealer in Toronto but I'd rather go to Guelph.
The drive was crummy and as usual, my worried mother informs me that there's this storm warning or something. Yes mother, thanks for instilling paranoia into my optimistic mind. Like a weather warning is going to keep me from going out and getting my Steiner fix! It was raining here in Hamilton and then on the way there it turned into slush and then snow. And on my way back, it was snow and ice pellets and then turned to slush and then rain.
I need a new book shelf because mine got filled a long time ago. I'm going to move out this year so my books will be more organized. I have a few scattered upstairs.
I had to specially order some lecture pamphlets and I got a whack of them. There were expensive too. Some were just one or two lectures and it would cost $10. I got in total about 15 items. I finally got this one book that I've been wanting for several years but it never felt like the right time to study it. I'm so happy that I'm ready to read it. There's been a few Steiner books in my lifetime where I felt like I wasn't ready for the ideas but was eager to learn about them and eventually I became ready to learn them. So it's nice that now I can read this book. The book is only 4 lectures and it's called Human and Cosmic Thought. The description sounds good so hopefully it's actually an accurate description of the content. He talks about the 12 main philosophical standpoints and that progress in philosophy depends not upon defending one and refusing others but in learning to experience the validity of them all. Learning these different standpoints is supposed to help us overcome narrowmindedness. I've taken philosophy in university so I'm probably familiar with some of them and he does talk about different philosophy views in Philosophy of Freedom.
Other books I bought include Colour, which is to discuss insights into colour, painting and artistic creation based on Goethe's Theory of Colour. Steiner had a lot of experience studying the work of Goethe because he got to work on his archives. Goethe was around approximately the same time as Newton and he had a different theory on colour then Newton but it wasn't really accepted. Goethe was an artist and a scientist and so he incorporated both in his findings.
I bought Broken Vessels which I think I was told had a different name and they changed it. Here he discusses how healing needs to look into the invisible as well as the visible aspects that make up humans. He calls it inner frailty (the invisible). I think he discusses mental illness as well.
Other titles purchased include Education as a Source for Social Change, An Occult Physiology, Secret Brotherhoods and Anthroposophy has Something to Add to Modern Science. Most of my pamphlets discuss the social order and economic ideas.
Mental orgasms begin!

I went to a friend's new place in Toronto last night. Again my mother was concerned about the weather and asked me if it were possible I could stay over night if necessary. Seriously, it was only raining. Rain is not that dangerous!
My friend didn't have curtains and there was an apartment building across from her building because there's basically 2 in the same lot. So I wanted to flash the people across because hey, maybe we're being watched - which is kinda cool. What can I say my inner performer came out and I would dance in front of the curtainless windows. I couldn't see anyone but maybe there was some pervert who was watching and whose heart I was warming. I would only flash my belly because I'm really just a tease and I think my friend exposed her bra or maybe the whole stuff.

An Interview with Paula

One of my most interesting moments in life was being interviewed by the one and only G-D. I had this exclusive interview and keep a transcript of this conversation.

G-d: You are perhaps one of my most unique creations. You didn't really turn out the way I expected but you somehow managed to turn into this highly inspirational human being. I can honestly say, I didn't really put much effort into you. Frankly I had other things on my mind. So Paula, can you tell the Spiritual Hierarchy and the dead how you managed to turn out so fabulous?
By the way, I am so glad that you took time out of your busy schedule to let me interview you.

Paula: Well thanks God. I never really considered myself to be an inspirational person. I've always wanted to be that person whom everyone would speak so fondly of. I wanted to be that person who had a presence to them and who could convey to others, through their mere presence, that they were confident and loving towards others.
Frankly God, I don't know how I did it, but I did it through perservance.

G-d: Those are such honest and simple words Paula. Everytime you speak, it chokes me up. I really want to know how a creation such as you turned out the way you did. I mean, it baffles my mind.

Paula: Well first off I'd like to tell you God, why the hell did you put me into the family that I was born in? Seriously, none of these people are like me at all. Not the sharpest knives in the drawer. Yes I know they have good work ethics... but God so many times, these people would just say things that would make me shake my head.

G-d: Um, yeah I'm really sorry about that.

Paula: (speaks with the most gentlest of voices)
Do you really mean that God?

G-d: No.
No.
Damn it I didn't know where else to put you. I have a rule when I create families. Every family must have one member who is rational, courageous, industrious and compassionate. This person is literally the glue that keeps the family sane, otherwise the entire family would self-destruct. You know I thought your mother was that person but I forgot to add the rational to her. Every family needs that one person who can think independently, who can question the 'establishment', challenges ideas, get people thinking.

Paula: Excuse God, are you insulting my mother? I don't like it when humans or divine beings insult my mother.

G-d: Oh my Paula, no I'm not insulting your mother. She is fabulous. I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?

Paula: Well God, I would be more then happy to forgive you. Listen God, let's just concentrate on getting this interview done. I just don't understand how you claim that I was not properly designed and yet you place me into a family, claiming I was the glue to keep it together.

G-d: That's an excellent question Paula. I just made you rational Paula, I didn't even do a good job in that, I just gave you the passing requirements so that your family does not self destruct. Somehow, you ended up becoming this fabulous compassionate and brilliant person. That was not my intention. Your evolving was quite miraculous. I'm trying to teach my Hierarchy how you succeeded. You are a mystery to me Paula. And I'm supposed to be Omnipotent and Omniscient.

Paula: Come on God you know that's a load of B.S. You cannot be omnipotent if we have free will, which we so obviously do God. You created free will and in doing so you renounced your omniscient and omnipotence.

G-d: You know that's what I like about you Paula. You tell it like it is. Thanks for keeping it real! You are one of the few humans who has the guts to stand up to me, to correct me when I am wrong.
This brings me to my next question Paula. How did a shy, introverted, nerdy little girl evolve into one of the most brilliant minds of the 21st century? How did you evolve into such a friendly, outgoing, confident and amazingly hot woman? I know I wasn't answering your prayers, so how did you do it.

Paula: You know God, you may not pay much attention to your creations or even put much effort into us, but inspite of your flaws, their is a spark of divinity in each and everyone of us. It can be so tiny but it is enough for us to rise up and fight the ignorance and fear, within ourselves and outside of ourselves.
Not everyone has the desire the find it and many choose the path of darkness and evil, believing it to be answer to their problems. The path of evil is a wonderous path of illusion. It is a path that leads no where. It may take people many lifetimes to finally realize this. I have been fortunate enough to realize the futility of this path. I have realized the only reality is that of goodness and love. Everything else is a false reality. An illusory reality.

I give my credit to this realization to Christ, formally known as JC. Like Puff Daddy becoming P Diddy becoming Diddy. Jesus Christ has taken his name from Jesus to Jesus Christ to JC and now he is simply known as The Christ. He works quite subtly in the world and in my own soul. He is basically that force that motivates you to purify your selfish nature into a more loving nature.


G-d: The name sounds familiar...

Paula: (rolling eyes)
He was your only Son and you sent him from heaven to earth to give humans the impetus so that they can choose to rise up from the dark path of materialism and choose love and shit like that... you remember right?

G-d: (in a slightly angry tone)
Look let's just finish the interview. When did you start to learn to play the guitar and when did jazz become an influence in your musical career?

Paula: Listen God, if you have forgotten your son, you need to acknowledge that. It's okay for you to admit your mistake.

G-d: (crying)
Okay I'm sorry. I just had other things to do. Why do I have to put so much effort into saving humans? Come on learn to save yourself sometimes you motherfuckers! That's why I sent Jesus down. It gave me time to think. It gave me time to play golf.
Fuck!
So he's going by the name The Christ? Fucking son of a bitch. He originally wanted that name but I told him it sounds too Hollywoodized. It sounds like some bad religious movie.
(In movie announcer voice)
Coming soon... The Christ.

(lets out a long sigh)

Paula: Okay God how about we recap this conversation. I turned out so brilliant because of divine intervention by Christ. This divine intervention also goes by many other names and is basically the path of love intervening in one's life. This is my secret of brilliance. It is my realization through darkness of the wonderful, creative nature of love.
Are you satisfied now with this fucking mystery God? Have I fully answered your question? Do I need to explain myself further? Have you forgotten about the path of love? Do I need to go into the idea of negative ego and serving only one's own egotistical need and how that is part of the 'black' path.

G-d: No, that's a sufficient explanation Paula. Again I am lucky to have placed the future of humanity into the hands of my son. Unlike some former political leaders.

Paula: Remember God, it too shall pass.

G-d: Fuck didn't I write that? That's some good shit!

Paula: Did you have any other questions to ask me?

G-d: No Paula. You have been so fabulous to interview. I feel so much lighter. I feel so wonderful and... happy. It's so true what the Hierarchy and the dead have been saying. It is a pleasure to work with you and to be around you. My staff and the dead would like to take a moment to thank you for allowing us this opportunity to interview you. It has been both a pleasure and an honour to have spoken with you.

Paula: Thanks. It's been lots of fun.

Why I'm not a skeptic

I've been spending some time researching skeptic James Randi. I've also looked into skeptics in the past and I've always been bothered by some of what these people believe. I was reading this really good article entitled Why I'm not a Skeptic by Michael Prescott. I will be including that link at the end of my entry.
I consider myself a thinker first. Although I've been studying Anthroposophy now for almost 7 years, it feels weird to call myself an anthroposophist. But I know I can call myself a thinker and I don't feel weird in doing so.
I consider myself fairly grounded, practical and logical. I also have an interest in things of a mystical nature. I almost feel embarassed to talk with people about my various spiritual experiences because I don't want to be perceived as a kook. I know lots of people who have this interest in mystical topics tend to be a little... flaky. Mind you not everyone but there is tendency to not formulate clear thoughts and just focus on feeling good.
So with the spiritual experiences I have, I usually keep them to myself for a while and then I might tell a few close trusted friends. I feel most comfortable with sharing these experiences with my study group because we all have an interest in spirituality. I've never had a spiritual experience where I wasn't filled with self doubt. I've never had a spiritual experience where I didn't question what happened. Along my way I get these little pieces of the puzzle that just defy my logical mind.
I think it's unfortunate that many of these so called skeptics believe that anyone who is willing to consider that maybe there is a God and that maybe there is a spiritual reality, are stupid, foolish and naive.
I can go on and on but I'm going to leave you with a link because many of what Mr. Prescott writes about, I agree as well.


Why I'm Not a Skeptic article

Madcapper

My study group finished reading our book just before Christmas and we had a couple of weeks off as we meet on Sundays and this time Christmas and New Year's was on a Sunday. We had a potluck the following week and were discussing which book to read next. We decided to paint for about 2-3 weeks before we jump into our next book. This isn't ordinary painting. This is using water colours and painting on wet paper. I believe the technique is called wet-on-wet painting. We were doing profiles last week and it's a headtrip I tell you. Because you use water colour on wet paper, the painting is very mobile. My profile took on 4 different faces until I settled on some smiling woman with an afro. This painting technique just sucks you right into it and it's a safe way to have your mind messed around with.
Yesterday I got to present to my group my presentation on Evil that I did for my Foundation Studies course last year. We then painted based on my presentation.
(note to my fellow improvisers: insert joke here)
I was only half done so next week I get to finish the rest of my presentation.

Today I got to vote as here in Canada we are holding a federal election. I like to vote because then it means I have the right to complain about my government. If you don't vote, then you really shouldn't be complaining. I am just ensuring my right to hurl insults and provide commentary on the ignorance and stupidity of those who choose to make politics their vocation.
I think this whole process is so stupid. I think the concept of belonging to a party is so high school. Three hundred years from now, people will look back on the decades where people had a party and laugh that such juvenile political practices were in place.
I think the whole political process needs to be reworked and modified. To me being a politician is job. Why do you need a party? When you apply for a job in a corporation, do you have the support of a party?
I think that an objective and unbiased third party should be set up so that it can provide funding to politicians. The money should be a uniform price based on the region and on the position. Screening processes need to be put in place so that legitimate candidates get funding and a penalty to those who abuse funds. Funds can range for local positions $2000 -5000 (this is just some guess for me) which will go towards getting flyers and pamphlets out and canvassing. Also whomever runs for Prime Minister should have previous political experience. This organization will also organize debates and televise the candidates nationally. Candidates who are running nationally will receive more funding and those running locally will have these debates run locally.
This third-party, unbiased organization also has to be accountable to the public. It cannot give people more money or accept bribes, etc. It has to make all of its financial records and funding public.
Now I know that implementing this new procedure will take many years before it actually works. It will take at least one or 2 generations before people let go of this archaic concept of belonging to a party. Many people who currently are politicians, will not let go of their party affiliation. They will still follow party affiliation even once that procedure is eliminated.
My idea is an idea in progress but I think it is something that will need to be implemented.
So many people are disgusted with politicians and about the whole idea of voting for a party. We need independent people. But when these people try to get this job, they are overshadowed by 'parties'. It isn't right frankly. Being a politician is a job like any other. It is time to level the playing field.
Politicians need to be fighting for themselves and coming up with their own ideas. I know that there will always be corruption in this industry but I think people will feel more comfortable knowing that it's an individual they can oust.
I know that parties were created for one reason and at the time it probably was the best solution but now it is not relevant.
Politicians are meant to serve its citizens and not their own private agenda. This is the ideal, but it is never to be forgotten.

All about me

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

I'm such a nerd. Seriously. I have this intense need to be evaluated.
It would be great if some higher being, like God let's say, pulls me aside and just gives me a report card of how I'm doing in life.
That's what I so would love.
To be evaluated.
Grade me.
Report me.
Rate me.
Analyze and deconstruct my existence.
What am I doing right?
What are my developmental areas?
No human can give me the objective feedback I crave.
Only an enlightened or superhuman or divine being can.
Fuck!

He's Not Into You!

I finished reading He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
An interesting book. My ego is having a hard time accepting the idea that guys may not be interested in me. It all makes so much sense now. I have found the keystone piece now.
For some odd reason I've always had this mental picture that guys who date me will fall madly in love with me because I was so irresistable and awesome. Or something like that.
But it's wrong! This mental picture is wrong!
So does this mean I'm unlovable? This can't be true because I know I'm deserving of love. How can someone not be attracted to me?
If I try and reverse the situation, I think of the guys I've rejected. Not that I've rejected tons of guys but I think why I'm not interested in them. And then I come up with the answer, I'm just not into them. I'm sure they are nice, attractive people and would make someone happy but they are not right for me.
So if that's true for me, then it must be true for everyone else. So the reason why guys dump me or become distant from me is because they are just not into me.
Ouch. How can you not take a statement like that personally?
I don't think I'm unique when I try and analyze and disect why a relationship doesn't work out. Everyone does it. But now it all makes sense. One simple answer.
Great now my left brain can relax a bit.

I've been trying to come up with a metaphor so that I can better understand this whole nature of relationships. I came up with the metaphor that we're all like chemicals. For example, let's say I'm H2. As H2, I'm strong and wonderful and capable of interesting things. But H2 wants a partner so that together, we become something different but still ourselves. So H2 decides she wants to be water and is in search for an O. But H2 isn't really conscious of the fact that she's looking for O, she just know she wants a chemical to become a compound.
H2 hooks up with various other chemicals like Na or Au but it just doesn't work. Na becomes distant and then scurries off for Cl, pissing H2. After getting dumped by Na, H2 wonders if there is something wrong with her.
H2 is sending out the signals that she's looking for an O.
H2 needs to realize that all these wonderful chemicals are in the same search for a chemical suited to them. Rejection is not to be taken personally.

Why hasn't our collective consciousness grasped this idea? All these relationship books that get published. All these televions shows and movies that get produced. All the Cosmo articles. And no one ever says this simple observation. Perhaps this is an idea whose time has arrived.

Birthday!

Greetings and Salutations,

Today is my birthday. It is Friday the 13th. I was actually born on a Saturday during a snowstorm. I am now 3 cubed, which for people who are live in a somnolent state, means I'm 27.
My parents were expecting me to be a boy since they already had 3 sons. They wanted a girl. A nice obedient daugher who helps out.
Instead they got Loki.
Since there were expecting a boy, they were going to name me Paul. Instead I came out a girl and they added an 'a'.
How Canadian of these Italian immigrants to do that eh!

Will today be or not to be memorable?
That is the question.

Initiate

I had this really neat dream the other night. I had a dream where I was on the Mountain (well in Hamilton, where I live, it's called a mountain but it's really an escarpment) and I was making my way home. Then I ended up being underwater and trying to get home. I was next to this home and there was some of that sea dust kicking about near the house. I was looking up as I was on the ocean floor and saw some boat and thinking how I have to swim up. I found interesting how the ocean floor was so bright, because in reality, I believe there is no light there. I like being underwater so it wasn't scary. I know this is one giant subconscious metaphor. What does it mean and when will I figure it out?

I think it's unfortunate that we live in a world where people are still afraid to talk about sex, religion, money and politics. My personal belief is that we should be able to accept people even if they have completely wacked views that clash with us. Why do we have to take things so personally? I disagree with people all the time and sometimes I think their lifestyle choices are completely wrong but I believe that people have a right to live their life as they see fit, and as long as they are not endangering people.

I think people should be able to freely discuss their views and opinions on the above topics. We should be comfortable with sharing stuff like this. We're all fucked up to a degree. We've all got our 'soul garbage'. Why do we act like we don't? Do we honestly think every single person we meet will have the same view on life?

Today I was learning Bebop riffs in my Jazz book. I've finished learning the Swing section. I still need to work on them but I want to move forward.

I'm becoming sickenly happy. I don't know what to do. Why am I always so happy when shitty things happen to me? Why can't I be miserable and sulk and cry like everyone else? How have I come to acquire this upbeat disposition?
I think it is the anthroposophy. This July will mark my 7 years studying anthroposophy (a philsophy by Rudolf Steiner). This spiritual philosophy has greatly enriched my spirit. It has strengthened my thinking, it has improved my imagination and my logic. It has risen me up from a dark abyss to a place where clarity is my natural state. I have over 85 of his books and have studied the work of Rudolf Steiner on a consistent basis. I can't go very long without reading him. The most I'll go for not reading is about 2 months and that's in the summer. But that is normal and to be expected. The most days I can go without reading him is about 4 days. Then I start feeling myself getting out of 'spiritual shape'. With all the books I've read, you would think I feel like I've accomplished something, but I really feel like I've done nothing. I think like most people, I look to the future. I think of the things I want to work on. If I actually accomplished something with my anthroposophical studies or with my life, I probably forgot!

This Friday the 13th marks my 27th birthday. When I was 23, I knew that at 27 things would turn around for me. What does my future hold? Will I become the person I've always wanted to be? Will my inner creative impulses have a chance to flourish? Will I meet the right person? Will I have the children I have felt?
I am at a crossroads.
All I have is what is inside of me.
Is that enough?
All I have is my courage, strength and love of truth.

When do I make known who I am?
Should I come out of the spiritual closet?
Are you ready for me world?
Am I ready to take responsibility for the power I am being given?

All I can do is wait.
Reality will give me an answer.

My Review of the Diva Cup

Warning: I will discussing my experience with The Diva Cup, a menstrustration product.
If you do not want to hear descriptions of this product and how it relates to my vagina, please just ignore this post!
You have been warned!


I recently purchased the Diva Cup which is a cup that is used during your period. I've heard of this concept of using a cup several years ago and didn't know it was available on the market. I saw one a few weeks ago at a health food store and did some research online. There are currently 2 major brands and so I decided to go with the Diva Cup. It's also made in Canada. So as a Canadian, it feels good knowing I am buying a product made in the country where I was born.
According to the Diva Cup site, the average monthly flow is around 3-4 ounces (90-120ml). The Diva Cup can hold up to once ounce (30ml). So you can empty your cup 2-3 times in a 24 hour span.
I got my period this Thursday and am nearing the end of my period. I must say that I enjoyed using this product. I have included a link to this site as I think women should start using this product more.
I tend to use pads and tampons. I usually use tampons for the first 2 or 3 days and then pads at night and for the remainder. The cup is good because it doesn't absorb your vagina's natural mucuous, whereas tampons do.

The diameter of the cup is 1.5" and the length is 2" and there is a stem piece about 1 cm. I think it is great and I highly recommend this product for women. If you're comfortable using tampons, then you should be comfortable with this product. My only complaint is that it is a bit bulky to insert into your vagina. A tampon has a smooth applicator but with this, you need to fold it flat and then fold it again so that it forms a 'U' shape. The cup is made out of medical silicone so it is flexible and it is hypoallergenic as well. For me the first few times were ackward getting it in but with enough experience, I was comfortable with this process. Once you get it in you just rotate it a bit to ensure that is fully opens up. Sometimes the cup would unfold as it was partially inside but even then it can easily be inserted. Make sure that you firmly hold the folded cup before you begin the insertion process.

And the cup is to sit at the bottom of the vagina. It does not go as high up as tampons do. It is actually easy to remove. I just don't understand why there is a stem to it because I find it useless. You can cut it to shorten it. To remove it, I just pinch the base of the cup and slowly pull it down. And be relaxed when you remove it. It's just like removing a tampon except you don't have to worry about breaking the string.

I had no leakage problems but it is key to insert it properly. It just needs to be emptied about twice a day and I did so after I woke up and before I went to bed. You can empty it in the toilet or the bathroom sink. Just make sure your hands are clean before you remove it. I emptied it at work because I was paranoid it would start leaking because I had it in for about 7 hours. What was amazing to me was that the cup only had just under 1/4 ounce and still had room for more.

What I found fascinating was just being able to actually measure and quantify how much menstrual fluid I produce during my period. Using the cup made me realize that it's not a lot of blood that gets lost. For some reason, tampons and pads create this illusion that there is a lot of blood being lost but it really isn't. Awesome folks. It's low maintenance, simple to use and you know its reliable and does not require frequent monitoring.

Happy New Year

Greetings and Salutations Fellow Humans,

I wish all a happy new year. I have been working. I worked yesterday and I volunteered to work today. My shift is from 1 pm to 9.30 pm and I normally have Sundays off but we are required to work a certain number of holidays. I will never volunteer on my day off ever again. I appreciate the fact that I live in an affluent country and can have days off but I feel cheated because I am working an extra day. I am not a fan of the 40 hour work week to begin with. I value my free time. I brought a new book along and read that for a bit. So I enjoyed that.

I had planned to attend 2 New Year's Eve parties, only to have one party get cancelled on Friday because many people were sick. The other party, I found out got moved to another location and I was not informed of this. I do not like driving from one end of the city to the other, getting snacks etc, for a party that isn't going on. I luckily had a back-up plan and went to visit a friend. We ended up watching a movie. A romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon. It was so predictable.

One question that I wonder is do people really believe that there is something wrong with you if you are single and over 30, especially if you are a man? Or is this just a myth created by the media?
Jimmy's character was a man over 30 who was seemingly nice and normal. Drew's friend questioned that there must be something wrong with him if he is still single and over 30.
I'll be 3 Cubed soon and I'm single and I don't know when I'll find the right person, but there is nothing wrong with me. I'm a great catch. Dare I even say that I'm too good and that that scares off guys or shall I say the boys that aren't mature enough.

Being single doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Is that something people believe? Or is this a myth created by Hollywood? I think I might believe this idea to a certain degree. I have 3 brothers all over 30 and they are still single. And I know something is wrong with them.

I really want to see movies in the mainstream not end happily. I want to see movies where the couple don't stay together. Hollywood you are so formulaeic and cliched, it's lame!