Initiate

I had this really neat dream the other night. I had a dream where I was on the Mountain (well in Hamilton, where I live, it's called a mountain but it's really an escarpment) and I was making my way home. Then I ended up being underwater and trying to get home. I was next to this home and there was some of that sea dust kicking about near the house. I was looking up as I was on the ocean floor and saw some boat and thinking how I have to swim up. I found interesting how the ocean floor was so bright, because in reality, I believe there is no light there. I like being underwater so it wasn't scary. I know this is one giant subconscious metaphor. What does it mean and when will I figure it out?

I think it's unfortunate that we live in a world where people are still afraid to talk about sex, religion, money and politics. My personal belief is that we should be able to accept people even if they have completely wacked views that clash with us. Why do we have to take things so personally? I disagree with people all the time and sometimes I think their lifestyle choices are completely wrong but I believe that people have a right to live their life as they see fit, and as long as they are not endangering people.

I think people should be able to freely discuss their views and opinions on the above topics. We should be comfortable with sharing stuff like this. We're all fucked up to a degree. We've all got our 'soul garbage'. Why do we act like we don't? Do we honestly think every single person we meet will have the same view on life?

Today I was learning Bebop riffs in my Jazz book. I've finished learning the Swing section. I still need to work on them but I want to move forward.

I'm becoming sickenly happy. I don't know what to do. Why am I always so happy when shitty things happen to me? Why can't I be miserable and sulk and cry like everyone else? How have I come to acquire this upbeat disposition?
I think it is the anthroposophy. This July will mark my 7 years studying anthroposophy (a philsophy by Rudolf Steiner). This spiritual philosophy has greatly enriched my spirit. It has strengthened my thinking, it has improved my imagination and my logic. It has risen me up from a dark abyss to a place where clarity is my natural state. I have over 85 of his books and have studied the work of Rudolf Steiner on a consistent basis. I can't go very long without reading him. The most I'll go for not reading is about 2 months and that's in the summer. But that is normal and to be expected. The most days I can go without reading him is about 4 days. Then I start feeling myself getting out of 'spiritual shape'. With all the books I've read, you would think I feel like I've accomplished something, but I really feel like I've done nothing. I think like most people, I look to the future. I think of the things I want to work on. If I actually accomplished something with my anthroposophical studies or with my life, I probably forgot!

This Friday the 13th marks my 27th birthday. When I was 23, I knew that at 27 things would turn around for me. What does my future hold? Will I become the person I've always wanted to be? Will my inner creative impulses have a chance to flourish? Will I meet the right person? Will I have the children I have felt?
I am at a crossroads.
All I have is what is inside of me.
Is that enough?
All I have is my courage, strength and love of truth.

When do I make known who I am?
Should I come out of the spiritual closet?
Are you ready for me world?
Am I ready to take responsibility for the power I am being given?

All I can do is wait.
Reality will give me an answer.