Victoria Day Weekend

Greetings all,

I had a great weekend last weekend as I had went to New York city for the first time. This was one of my goals for the year as I was hoping maybe some day I can go down to do open mics in New York so I thought I should do an introductory visit to the city if I was really serious about doing it.

I had stayed in Queens with an older woman who I met on some online forum for women. A few of them came down to Toronto back in March and stayed in a hotel downtown. We spent time together that weekend and I took them down to Niagara Falls.

I decided to take the bus as it was cheaper and I could at least see what the landscape looks like on the way there. I don't think I will ever take it again because the bus was 2 hours late in arriving but on the way home, it was 3 hours late. And with stops included, it should only take 10.5-11 hours.

I had already ordered my tickets on the 16th of May and I was going to take the 10 am bus on Monday, however, when we got on the bus we had learned that the 10 am bus already left because of an issue with another bus company, Trailways. I was on Grey hound so they were helping out this company that probably oversold on their tickets. A lot of people were supposed to get on the 10 am bus so I wasn't the only one screwed over.

We ended up leaving New York and did an express trip and skipped Syracuse. We had arrived in Buffalo but we ended up waiting there for 2 hours. My ticket said we'd leave for Buffalo at 6.30 pm but didn't leave until 9. I waited in the bus terminal for a bit and noticed this girl, probably 13, walking around BAREFOOT and with 5 other guys. Now walking barefoot in such a public space is just inappropriate and unhygienic. I figured she was probably a local. As well, being that she was with 5 other guys, she may have been a redneck and a slut so maybe that's why she was barefoot. It's possible some of them may have been related to her but whenever I see one girl with more then 4 guys, I get a little suspicious! Anyways, I wonder if she is one of those young teenagers who has a mother that doesn't love her child because I would never allow my child to be out barefoot in public, especially a bus terminal of all places!

As well, the bus was idling for the entire time we were waiting in Buffalo, which is not good thing to do, especially for the bus and for the environment. As we were leaving Buffalo, the bus was having problems running so we ended up having to switch buses, which again took some time. I think idling it may have caused problems, but being that I don't know much about cars, I can't really say for sure.

I didn't get into Toronto until 1.15 am and took the street car home. Being it was late and not much people were on it, I got home pretty quickly since we weren't making many stops and there wasn't much traffic. I had work the next day so I ended up with only 4 hours of sleep. Basically this week I took it easy and was slowly catching up on my lost sleep.

On Friday when I left, I was the 3rd last person to get on the bus. I had thought that ordering a ticket online would guarantee you a spot for the same you had selected online but no it doesn't work that way, which I don't think is right. I potentially would have to wait for another bus but at least I got on it on Friday.

When I arrived on Friday, my host was worried that I never called her as I didn't get to her place until 8.30 and I said my ticket says I'll be there at 6, which didn't happen. My cell phone was not able to get a signal so I never bothered calling. I didn't think to bug someone to use their phone because I didn't think it would be a big deal if I was late and I typically do not like asking people for help unless its absolutely necessary. My host is a bit of a worrier, which actually is one of my pet peeves. I understand people worry but if something bad happened to me, worrying isn't going to solve the issue.

On Saturday I took a ferry around Manhattan and got to see the skyline. I saw the Statue of Liberty. This ferry wasn't the ferry that took you to Staten Island where the statue is located but it had stopped in front of it so we could get a good look at it.

I had lunch with someone from the forum, whom came to Toronto. She is closer to my age and has been living in New York for over a year. She had to work for the weekend so we weren't able to hang out much but I appreciate that she took the time to meet up with me.

I then spent the rest of my afternoon walking around Central Park. I didn't know it was so big. I started from the south and worked my way up to the Jackie O pond so I think I did half the park.

I then went to the Guggenheim art museum as my guide book said that its free on Saturdays from 5.45 to 7.45. There was a really long line up and I wasn't sure if I should get in line but it ended up moving quickly so I was able to see everything there.

On Sunday I met up with another woman from the forum. It's too bad that we all couldn't be together but they actually hung out with my host last weekend so it was understandable.

We went to Ground Zero. It was actually smaller then I thought it would be. Then we went to the Memorial site which was a few minutes away.

We went to Wall St as I wanted my picture taken with the Bronze Bull that is supposed to be representing the rising of the stock market. I thought that's not really realistic since they should have a Bear (which symbolizes a fall) next to it and in the middle a panicked investor. That's the reality of the stock market!

I did so much walking on Saturday so my feet were sore. The woman I met up with wasn't able to spend too much time with me so she left in the afternoon and I just went to one shoe store and a t-shirt store. I really hate shopping but at least I could say I went to some stores.

My host lives by the beach (15 minutes) so she took me there and I officially touched the Atlantic ocean for the first time as I went down to the water and put my hands into it. It wasn't that cold.

I like the subway system as well. Toronto only really has 2 major lines so it's easy to navigate but NY has tonnes so it's more like a game to figure out which lines to take. They had a lot of new subways as well. I think I only went on 2 or 3 older subways.

I don't think I'd like to live there though but I don't know if I'll go back again this year or next. It's close enough so that I can go whenever I want to.

I felt different when I came back to Canada. I like the vibe of this country, it seems more relaxed or maybe being in America makes me a little nervous. I did see some New Yorkers be nice. I think I have this idea that they are mean and tough but some of them seemed helpful when asking for directions.

I may like you New York but I think I like Toronto just a little bit more!

Lunch time

Greetings all,

For lunch at work, I usually have lunch with the same coworker and sometimes we have other coworkers join us. Now that it's warmer out, we'll go outside to eat.

On Thursday I believe, a coworker that isn't in my department anymore saw me and said that the coworker I normally have lunch with, is outside and told me which area. I think she wanted to say 'your boyfriend' but didn't. Now how did I know this was what she was probably going to say? Well I think she caught herself in time and there was that hesitant pause and I just had the feeling that's what she was going to say. I think I gave her a brief scowl.

Now just because I have lunch with a coworker on a regular basis, that's male, doesn't mean he's my boyfriend. I'm sure some people in the office wonder but I don't care. I usually have a routine when it comes to eating and I normally like to eat around 12 o'clock and this coworker probably likes the routine we have of eating together.

It's more fun when there is at least a third joining us because he seems to be more chatty when there is a third. I personally do not find him attractive and he is not my type at all. In fact I find him to be a bit boring and sometimes I wonder if I should lunch with other people but most people where I work don't eat lunch at a consistent time, depending on their work load.

I had mentioned that I think this coworker had a thing for me, however, I could be wrong. Sometimes I just can't tell if a guy is into me or not. I think the only way I'll know for sure is if the guy throws me up against a wall and says "Paula, I want you"

I don't think this coworker is interested in me as I may have been incorrect in the first place. I would think if someone wants you, a move would have been made. As well, since I'm aware we wouldn't work out as a couple and don't feel a connection in that way, I would think men are smart about things like that and probably are aware if they have feelings for a woman or not.

Emily

Greetings all,

I will be writing about a very annoying young woman who works in the aisle next to where I sit. I believe she is between 24-26. She is not in my department as she is an Underwriter.

She lives in Oakville so she commutes on the Go train and sometimes works from home. As a born and raised Hamiltonian, Oakville and Burlington were considered the snobby rich kids, especially Oakville, so we didn't really like people from there. She actually is a very snobby person and this is probably why she irritates me so much. She's blonde and talks non-stop. She is a fashion conscious person, however some of the outfits she wears, I just think are ugly. Because I think she is an ugly person on the inside, no amazing outfit she can possibly wear will make me think she is pretty.

Now as an underwriter, they do have to reject people and they can't give insurance to everyone so you need that objectiveness. The department is essentially all women and from what I hear, they all sound like decent enough women but this one sounds like a heartless bitch sometimes. And that's probably because she is!

She has a boyfriend as well and frankly I wonder what her boyfriend is like. She sounds very closed minded and judgemental about things but also speaks with such authority. She's not inquisitive and a thinker like I am. She just acts superior. She is smart to some degree but she is terribly, terribly rude and mean. I wonder if her boyfriend is one of those pussified men who acts weak on the surface and so is drawn to bitches like that.

You know, sometimes I think stupid thoughts but I filter myself. Sometimes she just chats so much, I think she has no filter and is just seems like she's constantly got to spew crap just for the sake of it.

Most days I can tolerate her insensitive nature but there have been a few times where she drives me batty. Today was one of them. Luckily the other time she drove me nuts, I ended up searching for some kundalini yoga mantras and ended up stumbling across one that had some amazing songs so it was easy to tune her out.

It makes me wonder what her parents do for a living and what her parents are like. The sad thing is that some of these kids that come from parents with high class jobs, they act all high and mighty when the job they have isn't high and mighty.

At my last job, we had a smaller department and one of my coworkers was the same way, except she was a lesbian and she wasn't snobby. She would talk endlessly but also complain about her health and just was a general drag. And she was only 26.

I just don't understand these people that speak so mindlessly and unconsciously!

And she's fake on the phone. Because she's such a bitch in person, she has to put on a fake phone manner that she actually cares. She's not on the phone often but she's one of those people that acts all nice as pie to you and then when she hangs up, she'll bad talk the person if she was bothered by it. I can understand when dealing with a difficult person but she just seems to be like that in general.

Tick Tock

Greetings all,

I was searching the other day in my facebook inbox for some email and I came across an old email as I had messaged a friend I had 'dumped' back when I was 20. I have a tendency to save my emails and sometimes do get around to deleting them.

I dumped her mainly because I was going through a weird phase in my life and I just wasn't sure if the friendship was fitting anymore. I had ended my first year of university and decided to not continue. This was shocking I guess, being that I was the nerd and the smart one. I just wasn't feeling school and eventually I was drawn to anthroposophy. I honestly didn't know what I was doing with my life but I felt I needed to get away from the school system.

I had chatted on occasion with a friend from my high school at university and eventually his friend would hang out with us. He went to my high school as well, I just never really talked to him. Eventually my best friend and him started dating. I had felt like she changed when she was with him and I felt she became more immature. I tried talking to her about this but she wasn't listening and eventually I had to end things with her.

The thing is, she is one of those people that always has to be in a relationship. She had a boyfriend for 5 years in high school. The first time I met him, I thought he was gay. And I was right. He didn't come out to her until a few months after the relationship ended. She would always complain about their relationship issues and it makes sense after he officially came out, why he wasn't a good boyfriend. He treated her like crap and I never understood why she stayed with him.

She immediately jumped into another relationship, but this time with a distant cousin (I believe he was her 3rd cousin, not 100% sure) that was visiting from Cyprus and staying at her parents home. She fell in love in him and they had a long distance relationship for several months. Her dad was quite against it and for some reason her mother was supportive of it.

I was a little disgusted by it because it's just wrong to fall for a cousin. It's disgusting! I don't care how distant he is. From a genealogical perspective, he's close enough to be related and that's wrong!

I don't think they ended up having sex but there was definite nudity going on.

I think because she couldn't handle the relationship and was not willing to actually make it work, she ended up getting involved with the guy from my high school. Again, jumping quickly into another relationship without actually taking time to assess what was going on in the previous relationship. I don't think she actually officially ended things with him. Again, I don't think it's right to do that. If you love someone and then decide it's not going to work, you should have the common courtesy to end things with them. As well, I think she should have told the new guy (now her husband) she was dating that she still had a boyfriend but she didn't want to. Again, I didn't think that's right because you're starting the relationship based on lies and deceit. But I guess in this case, I was wrong and since they've been together for 11 years, building a relationship based on lies and deceit can still work out in the end. Stating that disturbs me but it seems to be the truth.

See because I was smart, I knew that you shouldn't jump into a new relationship so quickly after ending one but she did. But when I messaged her a few years ago, she was still married to him. And when I saw the old email a few days ago, I had learned she had a child about a year and a half ago, as her profile pic was her child and I was able to see pics from her profile (some people just need to learn to apply the privacy filter!)

So of course, many women my age are married and having babies. So I feel quite left out and 'falling behind'. I wonder when will it be my turn? My clock has been ticking for the past 5 years and I just wonder sometimes if I'll ever find love and have a family. There are times when I feel that may not ever happen to me and it is quite upsetting.

I don't understand why she can be 'successful' in a relationship but I can't. I don't know but maybe she's one of those women that is easy to please. That's the only logical explanation I can think of. Her husband was a simple beer drinking mechanic and she probably is simple too.

And maybe I'm not simple and being that I am a complex person, I wonder if simple people are the most confusing people to me. How can they not think what I think or question what I do? How can they just be content with the world?

My Karma sucks sometimes.

Getting the Love you Want - Book Review

Greetings all,

I had been reading the following book by Harville Hedrixs and it's geared for couples. I don't like the book too much as basically he is arguing that whatever wounds in childhood we experienced, we are unconsciously seeking it in the partners we choose. So if a man had a critical mother, chances are that's the kind of woman he'd be attracted to.

I can see this to some degree but I think it's too general and I don't particularly care for his style of exploring the unconscious.

The first half was discussing the theory and the second half was the 'practical application'. I didn't find it that practical but yesterday morning I read a section where he basically says that we can not look within for love, for the love and nurturing we desire, but rather have to look externally. As well, the partners we are attracted to, they are the ones that have to change so that we can heal ourselves. Of course, since this book is geared for couples, I can see his point of saying that your partner has to change. For example if you are attracted to critical men, your need for nurturance will be fulfilled once he changes as well, which is something he needs to do. But I don't know why the woman wouldn't go for the nurturing man in the first place and cut out the middle man of the critical man.

I think this contradicts everything I've ever read and have heard from people in happy relationships. I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to change and the only real power we have is to change our thoughts or reactions to things. If I expect people around me to change, I am losing my sense of power.

His exact quote was "in his efforts to heal his partner, he would be recovering an essential part of himself!"
This was applied to an example if the wife had parents who weren't physically affectionate and she was drawn to a man who was the same. He said he saw the unconscious selection process in a new way, namely that what the other partner was least able to give, it happened to be the area they needed their partner to grow. So to meet her needs, the husband would need to step out of his comfort zone and be more physically affectionate but this would help him as well. As well, if the husband becomes more affectionate, logically wouldn't she start losing her attraction to him? That's why I would think it would make sense to go after the nurturing, touchy feely people in the first place.

I think that's all nice and dandy in theory but I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to change. Again, I can see this maybe being useful for couples who have been together for a while but at the same time, they have to ask themselves, is it really worth working hard to save the relationship?

I was a little disturbed by this. I think the more I nurture myself, the more I seek respect and kindness from others. On the flip side, if people are nice to me, and I was not feeling my best, it may have an effect on me, if repeated enough.

I Hate The Unknown

Greetings all,

I can honestly say, I sometimes hate change. I sometimes fear it. I don't like being surprised. I know some people look at life as a journey and an adventure but I don't. At least not all the time. There are just too many unknowns out there and it freaks me out sometimes. I don't always live in a constant state of fear but I have my days where I experience anxiety about my future. I have tools to calm myself down and regain focus so I can manage it for the most part.

Some people just seem so trusting of life and of the world. I just don't know if I'll ever be one of those people. I would like to but sometimes I think I'll be naive and blind to reality.

The Rest of the You Tube Videos... as Promised

Greetings all,

A couple of other missions the Improv in Toronto group did was doing a Subway Dance Party. They have been doing this every year for the past few years and I don't think I'll do it again as I enjoy doing new missions and not ones I've done before.



I stayed to do an interview so you can see me at the end of the video at the 4.08 minute mark. I'm not sure if I'm really in the video much. I think my runners got into the video. I was more a subtle dancer because everyone else in the car was dancing more wilder. We had 10 people or so for each car on the train and we had enough people for 2 trains. So one person would start dancing. At the next stop, 2 people would join in and then at the next 2 more. So we continued this until everyone in the group was dancing.

The other mission I did was the Algorithm March. We had learned from a You Tube video, however, I cannot seem to find it but the night before I had practised the moves. There are only 9 or so moves so it wasn't too bad to learn. We had gone to Kensignton Market and did several times at various locations. The first march, one person is doing it. It's done again but then he is joined by us. It was fun and nerdy!

Coupling Up

Greetings all,

Lately some people around me and my social groups have been coupling up and it's kind of annoying being that I am single.

First of all, there is a couple of people on my floor who sometimes I have lunch with. They are 26 and 24 and have not officially come out to me that they are a couple(I'm probably not in her inner circle) but me and another coworker think there is something going on. Last time we had lunch with her she had said she had a boyfriend and mentioned later on how she was at the coworker who we think is her boyfriend and how she was cleaning his apartment but he didn't want her to.

They are both really nice people so I have nothing against them but it's pretty obvious that something is going on. I've seen how she orders him nicely to get a Tim Horton's tea for her. I see them together alot, just the two of them. It's like, people who are keeping a secret, do they really think that people around them aren't perceptive and can figure out stuff? Really, you're only fooling yourself if you think you can actually keep a secret!

Another couple that formed was a couple of people in my book group. The girl is 26 the guy is 34. I joined the group back in October. I thought the guy was a bit attractive but I wasn't sure if there was anything there that would happen. I don't know if it's my ego but I felt maybe he had a thing for me. But then some people are flirty in personality and that's how they are so it's easy to assume that maybe they are interested in you. If they are happy, then good for them. I am not looking for drama in my life so I feel I have to adjust to them now as a couple. Although I didn't know them too well as individuals, it feels weird because now I feel I have to relate to them in a couple sense.

Sometimes the bond between 2 people gets in the way of other people bonding to them as individuals. I can't be the only one who feels like when socializing with couples, you socialize on some level with them as one unit. Being that I've been single essentially all of my life, I always made my own decisions and didn't have to 'check in' with someone and if you want to go out with one of them, you know that depending on what you talk about, they'll end up telling things to their mate.

Finally I had a meetup (meetup.com, a site for socializing) where we did a heritage walk. I don't know them too well, although I know the guy a bit better. The girl I have seen a couple of times but never really talked to her. My first impression of her was I felt that she was a bitch. I thought maybe she had something going on with some other guy in a karaoke meetup as they had spent the majority of the night talking and then left together. I thought the guy was a bit cute but again, I wasn't sure if it could go anywhere. I was surprised to see that they are together now.

I don't know but usually when I hang out with someone, I try and figure out if it could go anywhere. I mean, I do this on an unconscious level, probably since I am single and wanting a relationship. I can usually tell when talking with someone if there is chemistry and if we are like minded enough. I only met one person whom I thought it could go somewhere (english muffin) but I guess I was wrong so I am as well, not trusting my own intuition. I had been in love before but I couldn't see it going anywhere, whereas with english muffin, I could see. So I can distinguish that sometimes loving someone, doesn't mean it will work out.

And that's what I look for when I am meeting a guy. After a while of getting to know them, I can figure out if we are on the same page. As well, I feel I need to see a future.

I'm still on the dating fence and I know at some point I will have to get back on the horse but I feel confused by my intuition. I need clarity in my life.

Anyways, I must get back to judging these people who are coupling off. For the first couple, who are coworkers. I've dated a coworker once, but I was a temp so I didn't envision my future working for that company. It's risky to date someone from work. You have a 50/50 chance of it succeeding. If it works, it's worth the risk but if it doesn't, it'll be a major pain. It's not always the best thing to mix business and pleasure. Since this couple at work seem like nice people, I don't see it becoming ugly.

As well, I don't know why my coworker would even consider cleaning a man's apartment! She's one of those nice girls and this is just so very wrong to do. Men do not like to have a new girlfriend do those things. It's acting like a mom. When my parents came down to Toronto last Friday, I didn't have a clean apartment for over a month. My bathroom sink was dirty. My mom came in to use the washroom. I should have anticipated she'd come in to pee as she always needs to pee. When I came home I saw that she had cleaned up my sink. I was angry since it was my mess and I didn't want her to clean it up. I planned on cleaning my apartment that weekend and was annoyed.

Anyways, back to never cleaning for a boyfriend. You just don't. I should tell her it's not right. It's emasculating. Luckily the other coworker is not an asshole and I can see that kind of behaviour being taken advantage of. If a man is dating you, you don't have to do a thing. Just be nice and look pretty and get to know him. Not obligated to do a DAMN thing!

I really have not much to say about the 2nd and 3rd couples, except with the girl in the bookgroup, she does the same thing and helps to clean up. We have tea and she'll clean up sometimes. You're not married and not living together. You don't have to clean up. I sometimes will never understand nice girls. I'm nice but not that nice.

I just have to keep focused on my own goals and myself and not let these events around me distract from my focus as sometimes I wonder when will it be my time to find the right person. I've waited long enough but I guess I have to keep waiting. And I hate waiting!

The Perfect Popcorn

Greetings all,

Today I had made stove top popcorn and I managed to make it perfectly. I had no kernel left behind and nothing was burnt. It was a delight to eat and as I was finishing off my snack, I had noticed one particular popcorn that had its own face, with perfect eyes and a gaping mouth.

Enjoy my greasy finger tips!

The angle shot





In the above photo, you can clearly see how well defined the holes are, thus making it look like a pair of real eyes.

At this point in time, I have not yet eaten it. I don't know if I should eat it or not, it is human to me now. I have bonded to it. But alas, at some point I will consume it and me and the popcorn will be One. For now I will let it have a free existence in my popcorn bowl.

What a blessed day!

Some You Tube Videos

Greetings all,

I joined this group last year that does pranks (missions) around the city of Toronto. We recently did one at the ROM (Royal Ontario Museum) where we protested protests. I am the nut job in the yellow t-shirt who yells at the 45 second mark. That's probably the biggest scene I am in.



This one is a dance that we did at the Yonge and Dundas Square. We did this I think in November and learned the dance moves in a few hours. Lot of work but it was fun.



I'll show the rest of videos from our missions another day.

Wedding Time

Greetings all,

I had a wedding to attend last night for a relative. I had wrote a while ago how I went to the Bride's shower, whom is not my relative. She had rubbed me the wrong way as we were leaving at her shower. Not sure exactly what happened but I got this vibe she was some control freak. Since I am a free spirit, people like that sometimes get me riled up.

My mother had told me on the wedding invitation that it said to arrive at 5:00 PM sharp and that actually aggravated me. It's interesting how one little word to me conveys the mentality of the Bride. I can understand saying 'Reception at 5, Dinner promptly at 7' but to tell us to arrive at 5 promptly.

OH
NO
YOU
DIDN'T!!!

I was cleaning up my apartment on Friday night and only did parts of it. I usually clean my apartment once a month and I think I didn't clean for 6 weeks so it was quite messy. I ended up having to finish cleaning it on Saturday and then I had to remove the hair on my legs. I use one of the electric hair removers that pull it from the root so it takes a bit of time. No it doesn't hurt and it's really the best thing for me to do. I used to have laser done but ever since I moved out, I was not able to afford the cost as it can be expensive. I do have bald patches on my legs but I probably could have a few more sessions done to permanently get rid of the rest of my hair. As well, I normally don't remove my hair in the winter unless I have to and this was one of those "I have to" occasions. I had these 2 things that I needed to do and I didn't want to feel rushed to do them. I was in a bad mood too. I felt like I'll show up when I'm ready, not when you tell me!

I didn't get to Hamilton until 5pm and we probably didn't get there until 5:45 because I had to get dressed and slap on some make up. I'm one of those smart women that can get ready quickly. I don't drag out my prep time! Now I don't know if the Bride was saying they start at 5pm prompt but I got the impression they expected us there at 5pm. There was a long line up to greet the bride and groom.

I find these things so boring now, especially since I don't have a date and just chat with relatives. I'd probably have more fun if I had a date that I could have meaningful intellectual discourse because I just end up getting bored. The meal was drawn out until 9.30 or 10 pm. I would rather eat faster and party longer. It was done at 1 and it felt like the dancing portion went by too fast. I at least enjoyed the later part of the evening since I danced with my cousin-in-law.

The Bride had a best friend of over 10 or 20 years and the first thing her best friend described her as was 'what she wants she gets'. This is not the first thing I would want my best friend to describe me. I don't know the bride but this was just another piece that made me think she's some type of control freak. Usually you would describe someone first as they are really nice or are kind and funny or smart. The first thing I wouldn't want to be identified, especially as a woman, as someone 'what she wants she gets'. Certainly there is nothing wrong with setting goals and achieving them. It's not an 'open to life' mentality. More like 'bend to my will bitch' mentality.

Her speech about her new husband (my second cousin) was very practical and logical and dry. His speech was heart warming and sensitive and he was getting emotional. I would think that if I were describing my new husband, I'd show some vulnerability and open up emotionally how I felt about him. I guess not everyone is like that. They were high school sweethearts as well. His older brother got divorced a few years ago from his high school sweetheart because she fell in love with another man while going to school. I should hope the same thing doesn't happen.

I think it's weird that people marry their high school sweetheart. I guess they are lucky in a sense but they don't really get to experience and explore other people. I guess maybe relationships wasn't a karma they had to sort through?

They are 5 years younger then me, so they are 26. Already have a house and have good jobs and seem to have their lives together. So I felt a little down about last night but overall, it didn't drag me down too much. I have had some of my book group friends in Dundas tell me their mom didn't have kids and marry until 40. I know they were trying to cheer me up but I sure hope I don't have to wait that long to find the right man.

It bothers me to think that while I'm still single and doing things on my own, people younger then me or my age have someone they can share and build their life with. That's what I want too and sometimes I wonder when it's going to happen to me. I make the best of my life and keep active but I still don't understand why because I feel I deserve a meaningful relationship. It doesn't bother me as much because I just have to keep focused on my life and what I want. It's the whole concept of keeping up with the Jones. They have a house and a relationship and I want one too and it's not fair that they have one and I don't. Oh well, just gotta keep my eye on the prize!

I had been joking around with my mother as well as to what they would say at my wedding because the Bride's parents talked about the couple. I want my mom to praise me and to say that I have a profound level of compassion for humanity.

I don't have a best friend either so I am wondering who I would get to give my speech. I have some good friends I guess I could ask them to talk about me.

World Economy

Greetings all,

My book group started to read a new book as we had finished a few weeks ago, Steiner's Toward Social Renewal. We are reading the 14 lecture book World Economy. We started it last week and made it through the first lecture. I read the book about 8 years ago but I really enjoyed it and it made sense to me in a way I couldn't explain.

In TSR, Steiner mentioned in the last chapter how Germany needs to change its thinking instead of expecting reality to conform to their ideas. This was pre WWII Germany. Because Germany didn't want to change their ideas, things got really messed up in the first World War. Steiner wasn't around for WWII.

As well in the first lecture of World Economy, he talks about the same idea of Germany needing to change its idea so as to understand reality.

When I was reading these sections, I felt like I am 1850-1920 Germany! I felt last year my whole life fell apart and that if I wanted my life to get better I had to let go of some of my ideas instead of expecting reality to conform to my thinking. Steiner thought at the time Germany needed to change in order to solve their problems and they didn't seem ready at the time and it created alot of chaos and disorder with WWI.

I know it's not easy to realize that maybe you have to be the one to change your ideas but that's what I felt I had to do. It's not easy and it's painful and a blow to the ego. Reality is not easy to escape but we all in some way have these beliefs that don't correspond to reality and we all know in the end, reality will win, not what we ignorantly cling to in our minds.

In the World Economy lecture he compares how Germany turned into an agrarian society into an industrial one versus England. He said Germany was very analytical about this process and there was a lot of public discussion whereas in England, it was an instinctual process for them and they just became industrialized. Their thinking was mobile whereas Germany was not as mobile in their thinking and that was why Germany was so analytical and discussing so thoroughly this process.

I feel I am behaving the same way as Germany and am consciously trying to evolve by over analyzing things. I think it's more of a hindrance than a good thing. I'd rather evolve instinctively and just do it and I feel I am a mobile thinker to some degree but feel I have to work on it more.

Since I'm in a different place in my life now, I wonder what I'll extract again from this book. Steiner started to talk about the concept of Capital and someone in my group said something about things getting wild. This triggered an image of Girls Gone Wild and then I thought of Capital Gone Wild. I am wondering if I could make a joke of this. It was one of these jokes you had to be there to get!

Now Available in Stores!

Would you buy me if I were a doll?


How would I market myself? I would be an intellectual and a thinker. Direct and to the point Barbie. Twisted sense of humour Barbie. Keeps a messy apartment Barbie.

I was at some event called Elle Fashion event and this was one of the displays as they had a fashion show and vendors. Some of the fashion designers designed a type of outfit and accessories for Barbie. I can't remember why, maybe it was for charity or to celebrate an anniversary. They had this giant box, which you could pretend you're a Barbie.

But I think this Barbie would be most marketable:



I call this: Casual Wear Gangsta Barbie. She'll bust a cap in your ass, but you would never suspect her because she so don't look gangsta!

Moving On

Greetings all,

I had mentioned about my email I sent to this guy I was interested in last week. I figured I should have heard from him by this weekend but I didn't and that was it for me. I'm officially done with him and am no longer interested. I'm no longer wasting any mental or emotional energy on this situation.

I would think one would get back to someone within a week. If he thinks I will bug him for a response, he is mistaken.

I was a bit upset yesterday and I had thought that at least I did my best. If he chose to delete it or not read it, that's his problem. The situation is out of my control and I see no point in worrying over it. If he hasn't gotten back to me by now, then he's probably not the right man for me.

Relationships are 2-way streets and you can't expect only one person to be open and honest in the relationship. It takes two. For whatever unknown reason, he's not into me and while that hurts my feelings, I have to move on and find someone who will give me the love and care and honestly and all that other stuff when it comes to being in a relationship, that I deserve.

I truly believe with all my being that I will find the right man and that someone better will come along.

Onward and upward for me!

Review of Sinol, nasal spray for Allergies

Greetings all,

I started to have my seasonal allergies start up 2 weeks ago. I went to Hamilton and figured it was from my parent's cat as I stayed overnight. When I came back to Toronto, I was still sneezing and feeling stuffy the next day so I figured my seasonal allergies probably kicked in. It was pretty bad. Last year I only relied on my neti pot and it worked good enough.

Now I used my neti pot a few times and I use it occasionally during the rest of the year but that didn't help out my allergies. I decided to look for Naseleze, which was a product I tried a couple of years ago and liked but haven't needed to use it so I only had it for one year.

I went to a few health food stores in the area and couldn't find it. I wondered if they took it off the market or something because I would have thought I'd have found it. I wanted a naturopathic product and I saw a few at one place but I wanted to at least review them online so I just wrote down the names of them.

I ended up checking Zellers and actually found Sinol. Now I decided to buy it even though I saw a couple of other products at the health food store and wanted to research first before I made the investment. Maybe it was the attractive design of it that prompted me to just buy it.



It's a nice shade of blue isn't it? Baby blue, delicate and soothing.

I don't think the other products had the same design but maybe that's why I bought it. I ended up picking a winner. Hey, I did read the label and examined the product thoroughly before I bought it.

You are to spray each nostril 3-12 times a day. My first day I used it 9 times. I had decided to go to the washroom at work so that my coworkers wouldn't be offended by the snorting sound I would make as you have to inhale deeply into your nasal cavities. I personally wouldn't care what people thought, but you know, I have to be professional.

Each time I went to the bathroom, sometimes there was one person already in the stall so they wouldn't actually see what I was doing. They would just hear what I was doing and sometimes I would wonder if people thought I was doing drugs or something. And technically I was, but they were legal drugs!

One time the director of our department came in and I was snorting up and holding the product in my hand. So I felt a bit awkward about that.

Technically the product I was using is a homeopathic drug, although I think they only labeled that for legal reasons. It contains water, aloe, rosemary extract, sea salt, vitamin c and benzalkonium chloride. The active ingredient however is capsicum or the ingredient commonly found in red peppers.

So when you use it, there is a bit of a zing to it but it goes away quickly and it actually relieves the symptoms quickly. It's supposed to desensitize the mucous membrane and as a result makes them less irritated by stuff.

My headache from the allergies were pretty bad and it ended up taking a full day for the pain in my head to subside. I don't have to use it much and by my second day of using it, I only used 5 sprays and now I just use it twice a day.

I'm not sure how long I'll need to use it since I probably just experience symptoms for a month but the weather has been weird so hopefully by May I won't need to use.

I really enjoy using Sinol and recommend it.

Life Hurts

Greetings all,

This post will be depressing so I thought I'd give a heads up first.

I've mentioned that I've been into kundalini yoga for about a year and a half now. I used to do hatha and qigong and have always made it a point to have some sort of physical activity that is mindful and brings calm in my world.

I am doing a meditation discipline as mentioned called ganapati kriya and I have some dvds by this couple that brand themselves as Raviana. I've also practiced and learned from books so essentially I do my own home study and maybe would like to someday attend a class, although I do attend regular group meditations.

I've decided to do another discipline for a kriya called sat kriya. I've read that it's one of the most potent kriya to work with and it has been said this is one of the 3 Yogi Bhajan says one should do if all the meditations were lost and that should not be lost as a teaching.

It's been pretty intense at times and it's a nice compliment to the ganapati I'm working with. I'm building up my time and have started out with the minimum of 3 minutes. I got up to 11 minutes so now I am building up to 22 minutes. In kundalini yoga, they have certain times to build things up to and they are 3, 11, 22, 31 and 62 minutes. As well, if you decide to undergo a discipline, you have to commit to it for 40 days and cannot skip a day. So with my 2 disciplines, no matter what I do, I have to make sure I do it before I go to bed. I'm pretty disciplined so that's not an issue.

Anyways, it's been intense to work with sat kriya because I might do it for 2 days and feel relaxed and nothing really emotional comes up and then when I try it again, all sorts of emotional stuff comes up and it's just so damn painful and scary. It hurts so bad but I know it's for my own good, because in a sense I am cleaning out my subconscious and am dealing with stuff I've repressed, and possibly traumas from past lives. I'm still on the fence about past lives but I feel there's so much emotional stuff I've had to process, it's the only logical answer. I have had some frustrations in life but my life was not that traumatizing.

I know in the long run I am happier and don't get as angry at things and am less triggered and more secure with myself, however, some days are really depressing for me because sometimes really painful stuff comes up and it's hard to process. There are some days where I just want to slit my wrists and kill myself and just end this miserable experience called life. I know that I shouldn't and I've never attempted suicide but it's just really painful. It runs it's course and then I'm okay and eventually will again repeat this cycle but there are some days where I feel good and optimistic. But sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I normally don't like to tell people how I feel because I don't want to bring people down and I think as well, unless you have an active meditation practice like I do, you probably just wouldn't understand what I'm going through. So I do feel lonely at times about my own suffering.

The last time I felt this type of pain was in my early 20s when I was experiencing an existential crisis and it last for about 3 years and happened around 20-23. I'd experience these bursts of pain and turned to anthroposophy for my spiritual nourishment, which seemed to help. I figure I am going through another intense spiritual phase and I think it started around 28 so I think it will be over soon but I think it's for my own good.

This is why as well I don't believe in the theory of Positive Thinking. Because I think you have to penetrate into the subconscious level to create lasting change in an individual. I think if someone just thinks positive thoughts all day, it will just create superficial change and I would think it's treating the symptom and not the cause. I feel because I am clearing and dealing with these buried issues via meditation, I naturally have an easier time to maintain a positive attitude and it's not something I have to work hard to do, I'm working hard on the level to actually get to the root of the problem.

I Must Be Crazy!

Greetings all,

I had mentioned in a recent post, about my current dry love life and how I had decided I wasn't going to contact the 'english muffin' whom I've been frustrated with over.

I have to admit that I like this guy so much, that I actually did a flow chart about whether I should email him or not. A FLOWCHART!!

I think a week earlier I had mentioned I wrote out an email, which I had no intention of sending, and I tossed it mainly since I was still angry and was not expressing that in an adult manner as it was tinged with some frustration. I decided to write something more dignified, which acknowledged the situation but was not conveying neediness or frustration.

In my flow chart, I basically attributed this status update to be what triggered the ignoringness so I was listing the possible reasons for why it occurred, and I came up with misinterpretation or his own insecurity or a form of passive aggressive. I had thought it would be justified to contact him if it was for the former but I wrote out the risks for the later as if he is insecure, this is going to cause problems down the line.

I can't believe I did a flow chart...

Anyways, I spoke with one of my male coworkers, asking how he would interpret the status and his mind thought it was dirty too.

I had emailed him yesterday afternoon and I don't care if I hear from him or not (I would like to hear from him, but I really have to not be attached).

I have thought that if someone wrote me a note like that, I probably would acknowledge it right away, but being he is a man and he basically ignored me for no legitimate reason and it was merely a misinterpretation issue, I figure he is going to mull this over, since guys don't like to admit too easily when they make a mistake.

I still can't believe I did a flow chart....
the things I do for love!

I figured as well though, if he ignored me and was offended by this status, it probably means he likes me, otherwise it wouldn't have bothered him.

Anyways, he has reasons to be a little mistrustful towards me. He was in the process of 'making the kill' and then I say this and he takes it the wrong way (I am assuming that this update is what triggering the lack of conversation between us). we've been doing this on again/off again nonesense and the last time we stopped talking, because I was getting frustrated with not having him visit or things get clearly labeled (i.e. him calling me his girlfriend). Way back when after we had experienced another period of not talking and we became friends again on facebook, one of my status updates was that I have a hot date, again me wanting to push him to want to label me as his girlfriend and to hurry it up because some other man will claim me. That seemed to work against me!

So yes, I think I have to admit things have not been progressing as smoothly with him as I would have liked. I figured I maybe should extend some sort of olive branch. I think this could work. He is probably one of few people that when I talk to him, I never feel bored and I always smile.

I'm just trying to learn my lessons and do what I think is right.

a flow chart!!!
I am crazy!

Making the Right Decisions

Greetings all,

I had started wondering if making decisions was an issue for me because there are times when I feel I am indecisive and unclear about what to do next. So I had thought that maybe I'll take out a book on Decision theory, which I managed to find.

I am up to Chapter 6 of a book with 13 chapters and I can already tell I probably will not like the rest of this. The book is called "The Right Decision" by James Stein, PhD. He is a math professor.

So he starts out by saying that people who are successful typically make good decisions in life so it makes sense to strengthen this faculty in yourself so that you can make better decisions. He constructs these quizzes and gives you points on which answer you give. Obviously, the best decision is the one with the most points.

He's used some examples from history to create the quizzes from. I liked taking the quizzes because I'm a nerd so taking quizzes makes me feel smart. Some of the questions, I chose the best answer and if you choose the best answer, it's worth 5 points. Second best choice can be worth 1-3 points and the worst choice is worth -1 to 1. Some questions I didn't make the right choice but I didn't agree with his line of thinking and I actually think I made the right decision, inspite of what he thought was the right decision.

He is a critic of Malcolm Gladwell's book The Power of Thinking Without Thinking and he briefly mentions that people don't like thinking because it's hard work so that's probably why the above book was so popular (or maybe he's just jealous of MG?). I totally agree with this since thinking does require effort and it's important to use this thinking muscle and push it. I'm sure most of my readers know that I am into philosophy, particularly the philosophy known as Anthroposophy and I think reading some of these books have really trained my thinking faculty so I think I can probably out think most people. But I have to be in the mood, because sometimes I just can't be bothered to tear apart people's faulty belief structures. Mainly because it would take some time and I'd probably have to care... and frankly I could think of better ways to spend my time.

One of the questions is based on history and is about Christopher Columbus and in this question, you are the queen of Spain and it asks if you should fund him. Logically it would not be a good decision to go with this suggestion of this man who wants to sail to Asia, especially since at that time people thought the world was flat and it was a crazy notion. The correct decision according to the quiz was to turn him down. However the reality of history was that the Queen did say yes and well we all know what happened from there. America was discovered, yada yada yada...

I think his whole book loses credibility because he himself says sometimes the wrong decisions, lead to the right results. So then working on my decision making skills is not really going to help me?

Who knew what the hell the Queen of Spain was thinking and what made her decide to think this whole Columbus voyage could work out.

Since I haven't read the rest of the book, I skimmed through the remaining and it doesn't look like he's going to explain this issue of why sometimes illogical decisions can be good decisions.

I think his book loses all its value because he's just contradicted himself. You can't say successful people make successful decisions because in the above case, success occurred with a bad decision. There are countless other examples in history where people are trying to discover one thing and accidentally discover something else. So making the 'right' decisions, which really are logical decisions, do not necessarily lead to success.

I got this book from the library so I don't actually own it. Which I think was a good decision.

This is Me. Take it or Leave it!

Greetings all,

This entry I will be discussing my romantic life, or really the lack of it. Anyways, I had mentioned back in September how I had decided to stop all communication with the guy I was into who was living in england.

I finished rereading that entry and I did not mention why he was ignoring me. I am pretty sure he was upset at one of my facebook status'. I wrote for an update 'my inner thighs are really sore'.

Okay now my thighs were sore because the night before I was working out with a new kundalini yoga dvd and it was quite challenging and it really worked my inner thighs. They literally were really sore! Being that I have a dirty mind and a twisted sense of humour, I came up with this status in the morning. I didn't think much of it and thought it was funny. I came up with another status the next day saying I drink expired milk. Which was true since I don't use milk often and usually I will keep it for a few days past the expiry date since its still good for the most part and I don't believe in wasting food and the milk that day I was drinking was expired. He commented on this status and not the inner thigh one, which means he most likely read the inner thigh status.

I think it was around this time that he actually starting to ignore me. Eventually I started to think that maybe he took my status the wrong way and assumed my inner thighs were sore from having sex - which was far from the truth since at that time, I didn't have sex in such a long time that I don't even want to mention it! And the truth is that the less sex I have, the more dirtier my updates get! I wasn't sure what to do so then I decided to write the same type of status but to add that my thighs were sore from exercise. I did that and still did not hear from him.

And then back in September I decided that if he's going to ignore me, I just won't deal with him and so I removed him as my youtube friend, facebook friend and I deleted my skype account and all the emails we exchanged that I had kept in a separate folder.

I was hoping maybe things would have worked out between us because I think there may have been something worth pursuing. I have been pining for him on and off but I had some personal issues to sort through and I just decided to focus on my own happiness and peace of mind because dealing with a long distance situation is just too frustrating for me.

I had a wave where I wasn't really thinking much about him but then in March I had been thinking about him again. I made a list of his pros and cons and I thought he had more pros then cons. I started to write an email, I didn't plan to send it to him but just to write my feelings and wanting to clarify that I'm assuming my status about my inner thighs were sore was why he ignored me.

I felt in the email like I was chasing after him and I just saved the email. I deleted it the next day and wrote as my facebook status that 'I bow to no cock, dick or testicle. Feminine power forever!'

I'm not going to chase after a man. I want a mature man who can understand who I am. I am not going to compromise my sense of humour for anyone. I am who I am. I have a dirty mind and if you don't like it, too bad. If you don't like me, get lost because I'm not interested! I'm only going to change because it comes from within me, because I want to, not because some man is overly sensitive. I will not change for anyone and will be true to myself always and put myself first!

I want to be fully accepted for who I am and I'm sure in time I will find the right man who will appreciate me for the wonderful person that I am!

When I had my first boyfriend at 19, at some point he kept saying that the relationship wasn't working out because of me, I had trust issues and didn't listen to him, etc. None of this was true and I was and am a good person to get along with. He was a mind fucker and I vowed to never be in that type of mentally abusive situation ever. And that was really the only time I experienced that. I have dated some guys. Most were decent, although they weren't right for me.

This situation with Daniel was a bit similar because I think being British, maybe he was too uptight and I am not willing to be with someone who I feel I have to walk on eggshells. If he's so insecure with himself and can't take a joke then I don't want him! We've known each other long enough, he should know by now my sense of humour.

I want to be free to be who I am. Weird, funny, brilliant, horny and compassionate!

I deserve better and expect to be accepted for who I am.

This Ain't Art Asshole!

Greetings all,

I had went to the Art Gallery of Ontario (AGO) last Sunday as I had went to see the King Tut exhibit. I went with a friend and we had a chance to see other exhibits. I saw this one piece of 'art' and I was just irritated. We were on the modern artists floor and generally I hate that sort of stuff because what many of these modern 'artists' create is not real art. It's shit. Bullshit. I'm no art connoisseur but I can appreciate art and I know good art when I see it! This was not good art.

This is the piece that really pissed me off:



Here is the description of what the artist intended to do with this creation:



Okay, now I agree with the concept. I totally get it. The sink fascinates you and you want to express that artistically. I get that, I really do. What a great concept!

The 'art' he created is not true art. Art by definition involves being creative. Being creative usually involves imagination and imagination involves taking something that exists and transforming it into something different.

All this lazy asshole did was get some giant board, crazy glued a sink to it and spray painted some black around it. That is not being creative. That's just what we call another day at Home Depot!

If he had say destroyed a sink and then made a mosaic out of the broken pieces, then yeah I'd say, that's some interesting shit. But you can't take an object and glue it on something and claim it's art. It's not!

No transformation had taken place with this piece.

Back to the drawing board Jim!

Don't Touch Me

Greetings all,

I went out on St Patrick's day with some of my coworkers. Most of them are mid 20s. We used to go eat lunch together but they don't really eat with us anymore and only a couple of us have lunch together. These people would actually want to work through their lunch, since they are so busy. This makes no sense to me, because legally we are entitled to breaks and we don't get paid for lunch. I like these coworkers but it's quite naive to work all the time. I think it actually de-enhances your productivity and performance.

Anyways, one of my coworkers who I tend to regularly eat with is 38 and I think he probably has a thing for me. We sometimes meet up with other coworkers from a different floor, but for the most part we just eat by ourselves and sometimes one of the coworkers joins us. At my last job, I would eat lunch on my own in the kitchen but I would go out for breaks with my coworkers. At least where I work, we don't have an actually place to sit and eat so we go either outside or at the food court.

So there are 7 of us who went out and I had to leave and do some research (which I never got around to). The problem with going out with young people is that they are so indecisive and take forever to get going, especially girls.

I had to eat something as well and that took time to prepare. We were supposed to leave at 5 and didn't leave until around 5.15 and then we didn't find a place until 6 since we checked out a few places and waited in line for one place which we actually never went in (they had a long line and there was a cover charge)

I wanted to leave for 7 but I didn't get to leave until just a bit past 8 and as I was leaving, the coworker who I think probably has a thing for me (who is sitting next to me) and the dialogue went as follows:

Me: I'm leaving now
Him: (annoying voice) why? (poke)
Me: I have work to do
Him: (annoying voice) why? (poke)
Me: Because I have to
Him: (annoying voice) why? (poke)

This exchange broke the comedy rule of 3 as I think he did this to me 4 or 5 times, thus being extremely annoying. The whole dialogue aggravated me and I didn't want to be around him the next day and I didn't have lunch with him as I decided to eat outside whereas he and another coworker went to the food court.

I was cool with knowing that he probably had a thing for me, which I am not willing to reciprocate but he took it to the next level - the level of flirting. The poking took me to another level of aggravation because I don't like people touching me and his poking was a physical gesture of interest. Since I didn't like him like that, it pissed me off. I don't like hugging people and I only do it if they are the hugging type because that's how they like to show affection for people. I only like to hug my mother and boyfriends.

Aim Realistically

Greetings all,

I went out for St Patrick's last Saturday. I went out playing pool with a meetup group. The organizer runs a few groups but I was signed up under her travel group. Her other group, which I found out when I arrived, was a group for singles. I knew one guy there from a boardgames meetup and he is probably around my age group. The rest of these people were all over 40. I have no problem socializing with people over 40 but sometimes I'd rather be around people my own age or at least with a mix of people. We were the only young people there so it felt weird.

Anyways, this older man was hitting on me and I really didn't know how to tell him I'm not interested. So he kept bugging me, wanting to dance or to play pool. At some point I did tell him I was not interested. I just don't want to hurt their feelings but I decided that night that if I'm not interested in someone, I will just tell them as soon as possible. I'm sure men are used to this rejection, especially the ugly kind. Why should I feel bad? Why should I date a man two or three times when I know instantly I'm not attracted to him? The problem is you want to give a man a chance, which is what I normally do. One or two dates and usually that's a good enough time frame.

As well, this man was in his 40s and I was clearly out of his league. I was way too hot. One of the men playing pool said to aim high (not sure what he was referencing), however I think men should learn to aim realistically.

This isn't the first time I have unattractive guys try to date me. I recently went on a couple of dates with one guy who befriended me on facebook (friend of a friend). Definitely not pleasing to the eye. Bad teeth, bad hair. I thought I'd give him a chance. You never know, he might have an amazing personality!

But realistically I want a man who I find attractive physically. I just don't think I should give ugly guys a chance anymore. Maybe I need to aim more realistically and not just them. I deserve a man that's as hot as I am!

I just don't understand why these men honestly think they have a chance? I know of one theory where they ask any girl and one is bound to say yes so it's just a numbers game but I think that's equivalent to spamming. So these men are women spammers.

I would think they would be more successful if they targeted specific women, namely the ugly kind.

I prefer having good looking men hit on me rather then the ugly kind. It doesn't boost my ego so you're not doing me a favour.

Assholes are Everywhere!

Greetings all,

I went out last night and had chatted up with someone and we briefly mentioned the topic of people. Being that I've lived in Hamilton most of my life, Burlington for 2 years, Toronto for almost 1 year and a 4 month stint in Yellowknife, he asked me if I noticed a difference between Hamilton/Burlington people and Toronto people.

I'd have to say yes to some degree because I am meeting more creative people here and I find people are more articulate in the city (based on my observations of listening to people talk on the street car).

But I think people are the same everywhere in the world. There are nice people and then there are assholes. I don't care how small a smalltown is, I'm sure there's at least 2-3 people who are assholes and that nobody likes!

I've met some interesting people in Hamilton and Burlington but I've met some crazies and ignorant types. I've worked in a lot of factories in my 20s so I definitely met a lot of these 'redneck' types. They might be ignorant but I think they are harmless and decent for the most part.

I think since the city has a larger population, it probably just seems that there are more assholes but I think there is probably some asshole ratio. Like for every 12 people, there is one asshole. I'm not sure how one can calculate this as assholes tend to stick together.

I remember when I was in Barcelona, there were 3 backpackers from either England or Scotland and they were assholes. They were staying in my room (I was in a co-ed dorm room) and I didn't like their vibe. So maybe my guess should be based on asshole clusters. How many asshole clusters exist in a group of people?

There maybe were a hundred people at the hostel I was staying at so the ratio of assholes would be 3:100 or 3%. That sounds about right doesn't it??!!

So if we look at the present population of approximately 6 billion, 3% of that is 180 000 000 (180 million). So that is how many assholes everyone on this planet is dealing with. It seems to correspond closely to the book by Martha Stout "The Sociopath Next Door" which says 1 in 25 Americans are sociopaths (4% of their population).

I would think though maybe my guess is low since every sociopath must be an asshole but not all assholes are sociopaths. The book mentions in Japan, the sociopath rate is under 2% and it is probably because their society is more socialistic and so sociopathic behaviour is deemed more inappropriate.

An Unaccomplished Genius

Greetings all,

Some of you may not already know or maybe you know and have just forgotten, however, I am I believe a genius. I took the Mensa home prep test last year. Mensa is a society for people with high IQs. To be a true Mensan, you need to have an IQ in the top 2%. To be in the society, they drop it to 4%. I didn't pass and I was crushed but I asked them how close (or how far) was I from passing. I was 1% away, which means my IQ is in the top 5%.

Now this verified what I always felt about myself, that I was a genius. I wanted to take an official IQ test to get my IQ number but I never got around to it. I thought about if I would want to post it on a resume but I didn't think it was appropriate. I googled this topic and one recruiter said it would not be wise since you want to highlight your accomplishments.

When I read that, I was quite offended. I mean, being a genius is an accomplishment in itself! I would think I could handle and figure out many things because of my high intelligence. To just gloss over that being a genius is not an accomplishment is quite foolish!

Anyways, I don't really think I've accomplished much in my life but then maybe I have but don't consider them accomplishments because they are so natural to me, it doesn't seem like much. I'm a good worker and am good at organizing things, catching mistakes, thinking ahead. All of these things though, I just assume everyone can do because I would consider those things all logical things to do.

There's probably more things I do that I'm probably not aware of that makes me accomplished, but because I am more reserved about what I can do, I usually don't think much of it.

Alot of disarray in the world, I could argue is due to stupidity and thoughtlessness and being that I am a genius and insightful, I surely could figure out anything I wanted to if given a chance.

I am beginning a new phase in my life so I would like to have more accomplishments and this shall be my focus for the decade - to be an Accomplished Genius.

I've Finally Found My Knight in Shining Armour!

What's Wrong with Vanilla?

Greetings all,

I was on a second date last week with some guy. Now I've been trying to be a good girl and so am keeping my sexual side out of the picture but at some point in the night, the conversation turned to my date's previous marriage about 10 years ago. He thought his wife was too 'vanilla' and wanted to do more fun stuff. For some reason, that statement irked me. What is wrong with 'vanilla' sex? I frankly think vanilla sex is good enough. Why do we feel that we always need to be sexually adventerous all the time? Why is this pressure put on women to perform and be open to all these grand sexual things?

Bah humbug I say!

I think if a woman is not too into sex, maybe it's because the man isn't doing a good job at turning her on and then seems to think it's her fault and think she's unadventerous.

Let me tell you, if you are good at pleasing a woman and finding the right buttons, you can get her going so that she never wants to stop! And doing that doesn't involve having kinky sex toys or doing really uncomfortable/ackward positions!

Her joy, is largely fueled by good oral and your own enthusiasm for sex and her body. Of course, for some women, they have issues around sex but that is a different subject. I am referencing women who are healthy emotionally and comfortable with their sexuality.

The flip side of it is that, being that I'm 31 I'm no spring sex chicken, I've done my own experimenting and now that I'm older, I'm not so inclined to do new things. My attitude is: been there, done that, let's move forward.

I used to want to have a 3-some (with 2 guys) but ever since I turned 30, I just feel I'm too old for that so I'm not really into that idea anymore.

I think I've done enough experimenting and I think I've tried it all. Well, there is still one more fantasy I have that I haven't done and that is having sex in a confessional booth. When I was a kid, I was always forced to go to church and I thought it would be cool to have sex in a confessional booth since it's the place where you confess your sins and there is a curtain that helps to create some privacy in that room. We'll see who gets to be the lucky man for that one!

The Pristine One

Greetings all,

I went out for karaoke with one of my meetup groups and I was the only female for some reason, which normally does not happen. Four of the guys were already married and divorced and the other 2 I think were not.

So some of them did not have healthy relationships and then it reminded me how I'm still 'pristine' in a sense since I've never been married and don't have children. I don't carry around that kind of baggage so in a sense I'm 'pristine' and in some way more valuable.

Sometimes it feels like, where are the pristine men out there? There's gotta be some normal and healthy ones that have never been married without all that emotional baggage.

I know I really wouldn't want to get involved with a man that has kids already and then I'd have to deal with an ex wife. Some women are crazy and don't train their kids properly. And then where would I fit in? I want to be the ruler of my house and if I live with someone else's kids, they play by my rules and not some other women's! I don't want to feel like i have to 'please her'. I don't bow to the pussy!

I was telling a couple of my male coworkers that if I were to be living and married with a man, my happiness has to be #1 and I get the final say in things. With my last roommate, I felt like I had to bend too much with her and she wasn't really compromising with me about things. I could only take so much of that BS before I snapped and so if I were to live with a man, I don't want someone whom I'm always letting him have things his way. I think though, I can make solutions that both parties are happy with so that is probably more what I am interested in. I am fussy about certain things but that's probably because I'm a female and I guess we can get away with being fussy about certain things. I certainly do not want to live with someone who is selfish like my ex roommate because it's selfish people who don't care about your feelings and create problems.

In a way, I could relate to them because I used to live with a bitch and I could relate to their frustration with women, especially since my crazy ex roommate was female. It always surprises me to hear horror stories about some women because I can't imagine being like that. Yes I have said mean things or lashed out in frustration to people but I try and learn from my mistakes and I genuinely want to be a good person. But some people are just rotten and don't seem to have any self awareness or awareness of how it affects people negatively. You can't be mean to people and think they will like you and do what you ask them to! Relationships are 2-way streets, not one way! You scratch my back, I scratch yours. You can't expect that your back gets the scratching all the time! But it still amazes me that people don't get that concept. I like my ego stroked but I know that's something everyone wants. We all want to feel special and important so I have to 'bow' to other people's egos if I want them to bow to mine.

Anyways, some of these men were saying what were some of their issues in the relationships but we women are not all that dysfunctional. As well, if a relationship dissolves, you have to ask yourself what role did you play in it? Were you not expressing your needs and being assertive? Are you not setting appropriate boundaries?

Some men just bend too much and give too much. You should want to be with a woman that can take care of herself. You can't give and not have her reciprocate. That's too one sided. I think you have to find the lesson with these people. I can say at least with my ex roommate, she was selfish and if you spot someone who is selfish, avoid them as best you can. I probably should have ended things with her sooner. It's hard to assert yourself when dealing with selfish people because they just don't listen but you've got to figure out what works according to the situation. They have to follow rules you set otherwise cut 'em loose!

Shower: Part 2

Greetings all,

I neglected to mention another thought I had while at the shower on Sunday.

One of the games they had us do was guess when the couple will have their first child and what names should they give them. I chose not to play that but in my head I was thinking (is this the comic in me or the intuitive mind reader?) she'll miscarry her first.

(yes that is a cruel thought but you know there are people out there who do miscarry and it can happen!)

I guess maybe it was good that I didn't play that game!

Shower

Greetings all,

I went to a shower for a second cousin's future wife. I don't know her, so really I didn't care to go to this. But being that I am Italian, these people run these things in a traditional manner and it's pretty much all I've been accustomed to. I think I've only been once to a non-Italian wedding and I believe they had a stag and doe, so I don't know how women normally run a shower.

This event was just too much and too long. We got to eat at a nice hall. The food was good for the most part but they draw it out and a 3 course meal got spread out in about 2 and a half hours. Normally they organize these really lame bridal games where they hand out prizes but they didn't really have too many going and there was quite a lull in between the meals.

I got to win a prize, which was a giant candle. I hate candles and offered it to people at my table. No one liked the smell of it so I thought I'd donate it to good will but then I thought, what if I just 'forget' it there? Which is what I did.

As well, it's traditional to give 'bomboniera' which translates in Italian to a wedding gift. The gift was a cup and saucer. I recently did some spring cleaning in my apartment so I got rid of stuff I don't use. I actually got rid of a tea cup set I got at my second cousin's wedding and it was still wrapped up. I have no use for because I don't drink espresso or anything like that at my place. So I had to not accept the gift in the beginning they were giving out.

I feel guilty because these events are so extravagent and all I do is complain about it. But really, I would never organize a shower like this. The structure is horrible and frankly I think these italian women in my family need to get creative and stop following tradition. We have so much in this culture. Why are we giving gifts to people that don't need it and it just creates clutter in their life. Why do we get subjected to these lame games and win these useless, tacky prizes? I'm just saying No to these poor, unconscious celebrations people organize. It's so meaningless. I'd rather eat a quick meal and then socialize with the people instead of being chained to a 3 hour meal.(a la Gilligan's Island) A 3 hour meal.

I go to these things because I want to connect with people and that only seems to happen with the people you are sitting with. And I'm not inclined to go table to table to meet people I don't know.

Anyways, I'm just glad there probably won't be any family weddings for a while.

The thing I am a bit suspicious of is that the relative that is getting married is the youngest of 3 brothers. His middle brother was the first to get married. He married his high school sweetheart and they ended up getting divorced because she went to school and fell in love with one of her classmates. The sad thing was he got married at 24, which is way too young to get married nowadays and his brother who is getting married in May will be 26 and is marrying his highschool sweetheart as well.

I know with the last marriage, I think the girl just wanted to organize a wedding - so many girls fall in love with this fantasy of marriage and don't actually realize what it really means. It's about building a future with someone. I am now wondering the same thing with this wedding. I am always skeptical of people that get married and they are that young and don't have much life experience. They don't really know what they want out of life. They just think they do. Then they get a bit more life experience under their belt and then realize they weren't the person who they thought they were.

Well, I don't know how things will work out so I'm not too concerned. I just think it would be ironic if the same thing happened again.

I think I'm a bit bitter as well since they already have a house and are getting married and are 5 years younger then me. But then I can always rationalize how much more of an exciting life I've lived, but then I can rationalize to myself how that I've been alone for that 'excitement'. Anyways, it's a bit of a drag to go to these things, I guess because I'm insecure about this part of my life.

The Road to Enlightenment

Greetings all,

One of the concepts that has always stuck on my mind was in How to Know Higher Worlds by Rudolf Steiner, was his imagery if we are on a spiritual path, we will hit a fork in the road and we will have to choose between the black path, which is egoism, and the white path, which is the good path and path of creativity and love. I have mentioned before that the root of all evil boils down to egoism or selfishness and in Steiner's lecture book called Evil, he mentions this concept. Frequently people will say money is the root of all evil but it isn't. Saying that hides the truth that it's egoism and selfishness. People can be responsible with their power but there must be proper structures to keep people's egos in check and to keep people accountable. It can happen to us all because part of being human means having an ego. No one is exempt from this.

One of the things as well that I have read about is the Buddhist concept of a Bodhisattva, where a Bodhisattva chooses to attain enlightenment for helping all humans liberate. There are many variations on this concept. For example in Mahayana Buddhism, some groups believe that a Bodhisattva can achieve this through several paths and they are: (this is from wiki. buddhahood means one who has attained full enlightenment)

1. King-like Bodhisattva - one who aspires to become buddha as soon as possible and then help sentient beings in full fledge;
2. Boatman-like Bodhisattva - one who aspires to achieve buddhahood along with other sentient beings and
3. Shepherd-like Bodhisattva - one who aspires to delay buddhahood until all other sentient beings achieve buddhahood.

This Bodhisattva concept relates to Steiner's concept of the choosing the black or white path. In essence, choosing the black path means you are still driven by ego and thus are not ready for enlightenment. The key concept Steiner points out is that due to the way the ego is made up and its nature, if it is allowed to be in charge, then that will lead to its own destruction. So basically when people act egotistically, they are creating karma that will lead to their own fall and will hurt them in the long run.

Being that humans have a dual nature, we need to use our ego for positive things as Steiner has mentioned that ascending in the spiritual world requires ego but at the same time you must forget and 'lose' your ego.

I have been going to a yoga ashram in Toronto as they hold a few monthly meditations. I went to a few and I have been to a full moon meditation a couple of times. I think when I went for a second time, there was a different person running it and I think he was the 'sub' for it, I am not sure.

I'm not sure how hard core yogi he was but usually people will chant in a group and direct it to help their loved ones or for the world in general. I thought he was a bit flaky but it was my first time being around him and sometimes I just don't like people right away because I only see a piece of their personality so it might take a bit to get an overall better sense of their personality.

We wanted to send some positive, healing energy for the earth and he mentioned that because he was a vegetarian and relied on public transportation, he wasn't really contributing to the problem. The way I saw that statement was that he wasn't concerned about this issue and only seemed concerned that since he's not really 'the problem'. I mean, it doesn't matter if you are vegetarian or not. It's great that an individual makes choices that are positive but in the long run, it is short sighted because the environment issue is much more bigger then that and just because you may not be directly involved in this problem, doesn't mean in some indirect way you may not be. In other words, his statement I felt was not enlightened nor compassionate.

It's a political issue. It's an economic issue. We all have to do our part and some of us may make bigger contributions like tackling big business. Some of us may only look at our own consumerism and reduce what garbage we produce. There's just so many things to be done and it will take time but to have some airy fairy idea that well because I don't have a car and eat vegetables, I'm not part of the problem is quite ignorant.

So obviously this relates to what I was mentioning earlier because if we are on a spiritual path then really we need to acknowledge that we are always choosing what path we are on. You are either choosing things that hurt you in the long run or choose things that are good for you in the long run. I just don't think this meditation leader was enlightened enough and needs to revise his mental concepts.

Cleaning

Greetings all,

I used to be really diligent in cleaning my room when I was a child. I would clean it every week and on occasion, I would move my furniture around. I really enjoyed pushing my furniture and how different my room felt when I moved things around.

My mother didn't tell me to clean every week. Or maybe she did. Once. But it was something I think I did out of my own free will.

And then when I became a teenager, it was harder to clean my room and I just didn't care anymore. I was struggling to find my place in the world and figuring out who I was.

Obviously, as you get older you accumulate more stuff and I think by the time I moved out when I was 28, I think my space felt cleaner since it was spread out more. My bedroom now just had my bed, instead of my bookshelf and desk.

But believe me, my place still gets messy. I find though, my desk area tends to get the messiest as well as my dresser. I am so lazy, I don't even bother putting my clothes back in the closet. I put away most of my clothes that were on my dresser today. My dresser is about 1 foot away from my closet. My bedroom is really small and is half the size of my old apartment so when I open my closet door, if I try to open it all the way, I would hit my dresser.

I make it a point to clean my apartment once a month and I think the last time I cleaned it was 2 or 3 weeks ago.

I really need a husband because I think maybe I'd keep my bedroom area neater. At least when I had a roommate, I'd keep the common areas fairly tidy but usually I kept my bedroom a mess and never really bothered cleaning it too often

Damn you cruel world!

Greetings all,

Today is Family Day, which is a holiday for us in Ontario so I am organizing my apartment and cleaning up. I had my show at Yuk's and it was a full crowd, so probably around 200 people. They were running a competition to win $25000. As much as I would like to win that money, I was more interested in getting hired on since it would be a good stepping stone. I know in the long run, to be successful, you will have to break out from a circuit and do your own thing but certainly starting with that company is a good place.

Anyways, 2 comics got to advance to the next round and sadly I didn't get to advance. I was the only female (the host was female) and there were about 9 of us all together. I think I was the best one out of them and I should have gotten a spot, so I was quite mad this morning. I was wondering if I was being discriminated because I was a female and maybe they didn't want to pick me because it would look like they were picking me because I was female. But clearly I had talent as I wanted to tell my last joke but didn't have time and so some of the audience members were sighing since they obviously wanted to hear more.

I think maybe because of that, maybe the judges thought I didn't end well as you should always end on a winning joke. Anyways, I've recovered from my bitter loss and I will have to keep plugging away and figuring out myself because I have too much talent and it isn't right if I slave away at a meaningless job. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this but that's not necessarily a bad thing because I think I do have the strength to persevere and succeed.

I do hate Teachers!

Greetings all,

I was having some discussions with a couple of coworkers at lunch and somehow we got onto the topic of teachers. I can tell you that I have a bias against the teaching profession and basically think the majority of them are spoiled brats.

First of all, I have a godfather who used to be a teacher and had a car accident so had to go on disability. I think if he were a teacher of mine, I'd probably like him. I've probably had a few teachers in my life that I liked.

The reason I have a bias against them is multi-fold. First of all, I know some people try and get into that profession out of unpure motives and not because they genuinely want to teach and educate young people. I can think of a couple of former coworkers of mine who I felt should not be teachers. Mind you, they wanted to be teachers and were in school. They weren't at the stage where they could go into teaching so maybe they would realize teaching is not for them. I felt they were a bit irresponsible and I know one coworker was the type to shirk responsibility.

Again, I guess since they weren't real teachers, that does not count.

Another thing I don't like is that they go on strike and complain about that they don't make enough money. Frankly, I don't know what profession in the world gives you summer off, 2 weeks off of Christmas, March break and all the other holidays every one else gets. As well they get sick days. I think probably the initial year or two of teaching is a challenge but once you know what you are doing and how to properly organize your time. As well, they don't have to work a full day, whereas a student for most of their time in high school, does not get a break until I think grade 11 or 12 (I went to a Catholic school where we had Grade 13, I know they got rid of grade 13 a few years later)

The way I see it, if you don't like your job, don't be in it. Stop complaining and spreading your misery around!

The other thing I don't respect about teachers is that well.. they just teach. They don't really know the demands or reality of the work world today. Most of them are only familiar with the world of education because most teachers go to elementary, high school, university and into teaching. The only experience they have with the real world is if they take a summer job while in school. I think I had a computer teacher that had some real world experience. I think it should be mandatory for teachers!

As well, I feel that the education that gets forced upon us, is mostly useless stuff. We never really learn real stuff and stuff that can help us as human beings. I think I like the school system of Waldorf, but I have not experienced it but since I am into Anthroposophy, I like the philosophy behind the school.

As well, I think some teachers just aren't creative and are just dead inside in the sense they don't teach us how to teach ourselves and to get to the root and concept of what we are learning. We never seem to get the big picture of things.

Anyways, I probably have more hatred to spew towards teachers and the system in general. I really wonder if they do any real work in this world because sometimes I just don't think they are doing much. But then, we can't attribute all social grievances on them.

I do like to point that I am aware of my hatred for them and perhaps in time, I will let go of my disgust towards this profession