Greetings all,
Since I've been doing stand up in Toronto, I am starting to get to know the regular up and coming comics who do the open mics to get their experience. One girl who is probably a few years younger then me is a little weird and her act is quite awful. I don't think she realizes how bad she is. I know I'm not that good and need polishing but I at least have some self awareness of what I am doing on stage. I wonder with this girl.
Since she's a little weird, I asked other comics what they thought of her and we all seem to agree that she is weird. At my show last night, the girl was there and other comics were starting to talk about her. I find that if someone is weird, people seem to chuckle when things from their past come up. Someone was commenting on the photos she did when she was younger as she did some modeling.
I started to wonder if these people would talk about me behind my back. I know I'm weird and I don't care. I accept my quirks.
People weren't being mean when talking about this girl but when they talk to her, they act all nice. It always bothers me to see people being nice to others after having witnessed them talking about them.
When I talked about her to others, I wanted confirmation that she really was weird and it wasn't just my imagination. I guess the people from last night weren't being mean but I always feel weird to witness someone being nice to someone when they were earlier on talking about them.
How else are you to handle weird people anyways? You have to be polite to them anyways. Why be mean to their face when you can be mean behind their backs?
It's not my style to be mean behind someone's back but if I notice things that aren't 'right' or they are acting out of line, I have to say something! I only talked about her to exchange information. I find there is a fine line between gathering information about people and gossiping. I try and get information on people and I am not into gossip and getting off on people's misfortune.
This girl was chatting to me yesterday and I was understanding her to some degree. I am a little sympathetic to weird people so I would listen to her to some degree (she didn't make much sense at least half the time). She did seem like she was trying to fit in and be nice and friendly towards others (she may have been trying too hard and that can work against you if you try too hard to fit in) so it's hard for me to be judgmental towards her. And I am a fairly compassionate person so people who are outcasts, I usually try to understand them.
Depending on the situation, I can be slow to open up to people and I find that I am now starting to open up a bit with the other comics. Maybe they do think I'm weird since I've been pretty quiet.
At least once they start to get to know me, they will realize that I am weird anyways!
Friday, October 17, 2008
Slipping
Greetings all,
I have been feeling for quite some time a sense that I am running out of time. There's so much that I want to do in life and to accomplish and I feel like I have no time to get it done. I've been laid off from my job in August and have managed to do some things but I still feel that time is slipping away. I feel like I've reached my peak and have to start achieving things now or I never will. And I am only 29.
My biological clock is and has been ticking since I was 26 and that adds to my stress levels. My fertility levels are dropping as we speak and sometimes I wonder if my biological clock is responsible for me feeling this intensity.
The more I try to grasp time, the more evasive it seems.
Why is relaxing so hard?
I find that the key to success for anything is to relaxed and alert but this is such a difficult mind state to live in. Especially for me since I've battled anxiety all my life and have made some progress.
Pain sucks!
I have been feeling for quite some time a sense that I am running out of time. There's so much that I want to do in life and to accomplish and I feel like I have no time to get it done. I've been laid off from my job in August and have managed to do some things but I still feel that time is slipping away. I feel like I've reached my peak and have to start achieving things now or I never will. And I am only 29.
My biological clock is and has been ticking since I was 26 and that adds to my stress levels. My fertility levels are dropping as we speak and sometimes I wonder if my biological clock is responsible for me feeling this intensity.
The more I try to grasp time, the more evasive it seems.
Why is relaxing so hard?
I find that the key to success for anything is to relaxed and alert but this is such a difficult mind state to live in. Especially for me since I've battled anxiety all my life and have made some progress.
Pain sucks!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Get Some Perspective
Greetings all,
My grandmother has been in the hospital for the past few weeks and was in intensive care. I'm not sure what exactly was wrong with her but she seems to be doing better. I was thinking about who showed interest into my grandmother's health and it certainly was not a corporation that came to visit her.
I see lots of people who become so attached to their jobs and put so much false hope into them and end up short changing other aspects of their life. I think many people lack perspective about what role work should play in their lives.
I think it's important to have ambition and to put time into the things that make you happy but sometimes people forget that it's also important to invest in your relationships and friendships.
When you are sick and old, is your job going to come and visit you? I doubt it. Perhaps friends that you made while working there.
I just don't understand people's striving for material goods and for this rat race. I always thought there were more important things in life then just buying stuff.
My grandmother has been in the hospital for the past few weeks and was in intensive care. I'm not sure what exactly was wrong with her but she seems to be doing better. I was thinking about who showed interest into my grandmother's health and it certainly was not a corporation that came to visit her.
I see lots of people who become so attached to their jobs and put so much false hope into them and end up short changing other aspects of their life. I think many people lack perspective about what role work should play in their lives.
I think it's important to have ambition and to put time into the things that make you happy but sometimes people forget that it's also important to invest in your relationships and friendships.
When you are sick and old, is your job going to come and visit you? I doubt it. Perhaps friends that you made while working there.
I just don't understand people's striving for material goods and for this rat race. I always thought there were more important things in life then just buying stuff.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Another new video
Greetings and salutations,
I finished another video this week and it is up on You Tube. The link is: here.
Hope you enjoy it!
Also if you have a You Tube account, please rate it 5 stars (just to stroke my ego for me)
I finished another video this week and it is up on You Tube. The link is: here.
Hope you enjoy it!
Also if you have a You Tube account, please rate it 5 stars (just to stroke my ego for me)
Monday, October 06, 2008
My New Video
Greetings all,
I have a new comedy short on you tube. I thought I reached my creative peak with my first video, How I Spend my Time when my Roommate is Away but fortunately I came up with another idea.
You can view it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YX3e5nMpdTo
Enjoy!
I have a new comedy short on you tube. I thought I reached my creative peak with my first video, How I Spend my Time when my Roommate is Away but fortunately I came up with another idea.
You can view it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YX3e5nMpdTo
Enjoy!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Why I feel Ordinary
Greetings and Salutations,
I have been doing online dating for a while and many men will tell me how cool and amazing I am. Some of the time I don't really feel that way. I consider myself fairly confident person, although I can still feel pretty dumb about things as I am not all knowing and that disturbs me to some degree - although I accept my limitations - that I'll never know everything and be that uber smart person I dream of.
Anyways, I do interesting things on my own. I perform stand up. I do qigong. I travel the world and explore many things. I am willing to push past my fears. I am honest. I am an anthroposophist. I make comedy videos for You Tube.
But when I reflect upon myself, I sometimes feel ordinary. I don't feel special. I just try and be authentic in my life and try to be myself and try to grow and take risks. I don't think what I do is amazing because I feel it's a result of me being myself.
Yes I have my moments of feeling grandiose but that comes and goes and I accept that. You can't be grand all the time!
I don't mind feeling ordinary and so I accept it and sometimes it feels nice.
I have been doing online dating for a while and many men will tell me how cool and amazing I am. Some of the time I don't really feel that way. I consider myself fairly confident person, although I can still feel pretty dumb about things as I am not all knowing and that disturbs me to some degree - although I accept my limitations - that I'll never know everything and be that uber smart person I dream of.
Anyways, I do interesting things on my own. I perform stand up. I do qigong. I travel the world and explore many things. I am willing to push past my fears. I am honest. I am an anthroposophist. I make comedy videos for You Tube.
But when I reflect upon myself, I sometimes feel ordinary. I don't feel special. I just try and be authentic in my life and try to be myself and try to grow and take risks. I don't think what I do is amazing because I feel it's a result of me being myself.
Yes I have my moments of feeling grandiose but that comes and goes and I accept that. You can't be grand all the time!
I don't mind feeling ordinary and so I accept it and sometimes it feels nice.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Pass me a Cigarette
Greetings and Salutations,
These past few days I've been getting into the habit of writing comedy jokes and tonight I was actually writing and staying focused on writing for a good chunk of time.
As much as I enjoy improv and the instant gratification it brings, it has made me a bit averse to writing. I have been slowly accepting the fact that I may have to begin writing again if I want to do stand up and other comedy projects as I have been very resistant to comedy writing. I've been learning about how to do stand up and have some work-along dvd that I've been using these past few days and so I've been writing comedy stuff again, which I haven't done since I was 16. I might have dabbled in joke or sketch ideas but I now seem to be taking it seriously.
And it felt good.
Part of what works in comedy is by starting off serious, or in other words, don't try and be funny. Set up things the right way and the funny naturally emerges.
So I've been writing just premises and topics. It's helpful since I'm not stressing out over being funny.
I keep a journal so I'm used to writing and I do get a certain satisfaction in writing that people who aren't writers may not get.
Writing is a means with which I can delve into my thoughts and give them expression. I can talk to my friends about these things but sometimes putting it on paper makes my thoughts seem more concrete.
Writing is so simple and I've neglected my creative writing for so long and I feel I am rediscovering this simple past time. I feel so complete as a human being.
My insanity is being properly channeled!
Somebody just pass me a cigarette!
These past few days I've been getting into the habit of writing comedy jokes and tonight I was actually writing and staying focused on writing for a good chunk of time.
As much as I enjoy improv and the instant gratification it brings, it has made me a bit averse to writing. I have been slowly accepting the fact that I may have to begin writing again if I want to do stand up and other comedy projects as I have been very resistant to comedy writing. I've been learning about how to do stand up and have some work-along dvd that I've been using these past few days and so I've been writing comedy stuff again, which I haven't done since I was 16. I might have dabbled in joke or sketch ideas but I now seem to be taking it seriously.
And it felt good.
Part of what works in comedy is by starting off serious, or in other words, don't try and be funny. Set up things the right way and the funny naturally emerges.
So I've been writing just premises and topics. It's helpful since I'm not stressing out over being funny.
I keep a journal so I'm used to writing and I do get a certain satisfaction in writing that people who aren't writers may not get.
Writing is a means with which I can delve into my thoughts and give them expression. I can talk to my friends about these things but sometimes putting it on paper makes my thoughts seem more concrete.
Writing is so simple and I've neglected my creative writing for so long and I feel I am rediscovering this simple past time. I feel so complete as a human being.
My insanity is being properly channeled!
Somebody just pass me a cigarette!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Go Away!
Greetings and Salutations,
I don't believe I shared this story with my readers so I shall tell it now.
I had a friend who back in the beginning of July decided to terminate our friendship. He was formally a lover of mine and we dated about 5 years ago for a few months. We decided to be Friends with benefits.
I had a couple of boyfriends during this time but I always thought that we were genuine friends. I would still talk to him even though I would be with someone because I enjoyed talking with him and found him to be a good friend and I thought he was intelligent. I respected him as a person and thought he was a very emotionally balanced and rational person and that was what I appreciated in him.
He didn't really date people because I think he was a bit of a loner and he didn't go out much partly because he didn't have many friends or social activities that he participated in. He also was the primary caretaker of his children who are now in grade 9 and 7.
I had always hoped that we both would find someone to settle down with, preferably around the same time so that I wouldn't lose my benefits. I knew we wouldn't work as a couple but I wanted him to find someone eventually because I genuinely felt he shouldn't be alone for the rest of his life.
He started dating a woman that lived on his street back in January. We would still talk but around March he started to act distant. I typically just talk to him on the phone and don't actually hang out with him. Every time I would call he would say he was busy with Deb (the new girlfriend) or that he can't talk because they were watching a movie. Eventually I got fed up with him acting like an asshole and I sent him an email.
I contacted him before leaving for my trip to Europe in May and he was quite callous and when I asked him questions like how he was doing, he was giving me brief answers.
I contacted him about a month later and his daughter said he wasn't home so I tried the next day. I had this feeling that I shouldn't but I proceeded to anyways. His girlfriend picked up. I thought it was his son as the voice was husky. I asked if I could speak to your dad and she asked who it was and I said Paula. My friend answered and said "I want you to stop calling. My fiance and I don't you want you calling the house anymore". I was quite devastated to hear those words coming out of his mouth. I just politely answered ok and hung up.
I was in shock and stunned. I couldn't believe that he would end this friendship of 6 years. And I was also surprised that he got engaged to someone only after dating for about 5 to 6 months.
My coworkers were telling me his girlfriend is probably insecure because she probably threatened him to end this friendship. If he had more friends, she might have had a harder time trying to get rid of me. I can understand why she would feel threatened but if my friend had cared about me as a friend like I thought he did, he probably would explain that I am not a threat.
I am not someone who tries to steal someone's man. I think that's a waste of time. And how can someone be threatened by a phone conversation?
Some people are weird and my 'friend' is a spineless prick.
This almost just makes me not want to trust people anymore. I considered him a best friend and this is what he does to me? Thanks a lot!
What bothers me is that I've had a couple of dreams where he apologizes to me. Today I had a dream where he was telling me he was an idiot for what he did.
I don't want fucking apologies in my dreams. I want real life apologies.
I don't know if this dream was a message showing that perhaps on some level my 'friend' does feel bad about what he did. But you know what? I don't fucking care about getting stupid messages from my subconscious like that. I want real apologies. How is this to make me feel better?
I did move on from this incident but having this dream just reminded me again of this incident. I feel like I've moved on and now my subconscious is being a prick by reminding me of this all over again.
Fuck off already and leave me alone!
I don't believe I shared this story with my readers so I shall tell it now.
I had a friend who back in the beginning of July decided to terminate our friendship. He was formally a lover of mine and we dated about 5 years ago for a few months. We decided to be Friends with benefits.
I had a couple of boyfriends during this time but I always thought that we were genuine friends. I would still talk to him even though I would be with someone because I enjoyed talking with him and found him to be a good friend and I thought he was intelligent. I respected him as a person and thought he was a very emotionally balanced and rational person and that was what I appreciated in him.
He didn't really date people because I think he was a bit of a loner and he didn't go out much partly because he didn't have many friends or social activities that he participated in. He also was the primary caretaker of his children who are now in grade 9 and 7.
I had always hoped that we both would find someone to settle down with, preferably around the same time so that I wouldn't lose my benefits. I knew we wouldn't work as a couple but I wanted him to find someone eventually because I genuinely felt he shouldn't be alone for the rest of his life.
He started dating a woman that lived on his street back in January. We would still talk but around March he started to act distant. I typically just talk to him on the phone and don't actually hang out with him. Every time I would call he would say he was busy with Deb (the new girlfriend) or that he can't talk because they were watching a movie. Eventually I got fed up with him acting like an asshole and I sent him an email.
I contacted him before leaving for my trip to Europe in May and he was quite callous and when I asked him questions like how he was doing, he was giving me brief answers.
I contacted him about a month later and his daughter said he wasn't home so I tried the next day. I had this feeling that I shouldn't but I proceeded to anyways. His girlfriend picked up. I thought it was his son as the voice was husky. I asked if I could speak to your dad and she asked who it was and I said Paula. My friend answered and said "I want you to stop calling. My fiance and I don't you want you calling the house anymore". I was quite devastated to hear those words coming out of his mouth. I just politely answered ok and hung up.
I was in shock and stunned. I couldn't believe that he would end this friendship of 6 years. And I was also surprised that he got engaged to someone only after dating for about 5 to 6 months.
My coworkers were telling me his girlfriend is probably insecure because she probably threatened him to end this friendship. If he had more friends, she might have had a harder time trying to get rid of me. I can understand why she would feel threatened but if my friend had cared about me as a friend like I thought he did, he probably would explain that I am not a threat.
I am not someone who tries to steal someone's man. I think that's a waste of time. And how can someone be threatened by a phone conversation?
Some people are weird and my 'friend' is a spineless prick.
This almost just makes me not want to trust people anymore. I considered him a best friend and this is what he does to me? Thanks a lot!
What bothers me is that I've had a couple of dreams where he apologizes to me. Today I had a dream where he was telling me he was an idiot for what he did.
I don't want fucking apologies in my dreams. I want real life apologies.
I don't know if this dream was a message showing that perhaps on some level my 'friend' does feel bad about what he did. But you know what? I don't fucking care about getting stupid messages from my subconscious like that. I want real apologies. How is this to make me feel better?
I did move on from this incident but having this dream just reminded me again of this incident. I feel like I've moved on and now my subconscious is being a prick by reminding me of this all over again.
Fuck off already and leave me alone!
Monday, September 08, 2008
Faith
Greetings and Salutations,
Yesterday morning I had a dream where a friend of mine was telling me to start thinking that everything will work out in the end. To have faith, if you will.
I've always had to struggle with having faith in things but I guess I do show faith in things. Right now I just feel like I don't know if I'll have all the things I desire in my life. My desires are simple and yet I wonder if I will have them.
Things seem bleak at times but I try to be rational about things but I guess my dream was telling me something I needed to hear.
I am hoping my dream is right because it would be very sad if it were wrong.
Yesterday morning I had a dream where a friend of mine was telling me to start thinking that everything will work out in the end. To have faith, if you will.
I've always had to struggle with having faith in things but I guess I do show faith in things. Right now I just feel like I don't know if I'll have all the things I desire in my life. My desires are simple and yet I wonder if I will have them.
Things seem bleak at times but I try to be rational about things but I guess my dream was telling me something I needed to hear.
I am hoping my dream is right because it would be very sad if it were wrong.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Closing Shop
Greetings and Salutations,
I am making an announcement that will astound my readers.
I have decided that I will refrain from casual sex.
I finished reading a book entitled "Getting to I Do" (the title was lame but I think the book was informative and useful) and it was for women on how to be successful in long term relationships, that can possibly lead to marriage.
One of the sections discussed how not to have sex unless you get a commitment from the man and it makes sense because it discussed how having sex for women makes them fall more in love with someone and that some chemical is produced (oxytocin) that makes a woman bond to a man. It isn't produced as much in men as women and so for women to begin to have sex with a man, it can be addictive.
For men to fall in love with a woman, they need to commit because they do not fall in love the way a woman does, (who fall in love through sex and sharing their body).
Since my main goal is to find a long term relationship that may possibly lead to marriage, I decided that I will follow this. It suggests a dating period of 3 months.
I think it is useful as well since it forces you to be friends with them first, which I always felt was important. It states that friendship is the root and sex is the bloom.
I have had sex early on in the relationhip and I don't think it made me fall in love with the person, although it does tend to distract you from getting to know them to some degree. I don't think it was a problem for me since I always made it a point to get to know someone while dating and not getting caught up with the excitement of sex.
I guess for me since I am dating a bunch of guys, it would make sense to not be sleeping with each guy I date because I do not want to end up like a Jerry Springer guest.
I think I will try this out and see if it works for me.
The book had other useful advice and I recommend reading it.
I am making an announcement that will astound my readers.
I have decided that I will refrain from casual sex.
I finished reading a book entitled "Getting to I Do" (the title was lame but I think the book was informative and useful) and it was for women on how to be successful in long term relationships, that can possibly lead to marriage.
One of the sections discussed how not to have sex unless you get a commitment from the man and it makes sense because it discussed how having sex for women makes them fall more in love with someone and that some chemical is produced (oxytocin) that makes a woman bond to a man. It isn't produced as much in men as women and so for women to begin to have sex with a man, it can be addictive.
For men to fall in love with a woman, they need to commit because they do not fall in love the way a woman does, (who fall in love through sex and sharing their body).
Since my main goal is to find a long term relationship that may possibly lead to marriage, I decided that I will follow this. It suggests a dating period of 3 months.
I think it is useful as well since it forces you to be friends with them first, which I always felt was important. It states that friendship is the root and sex is the bloom.
I have had sex early on in the relationhip and I don't think it made me fall in love with the person, although it does tend to distract you from getting to know them to some degree. I don't think it was a problem for me since I always made it a point to get to know someone while dating and not getting caught up with the excitement of sex.
I guess for me since I am dating a bunch of guys, it would make sense to not be sleeping with each guy I date because I do not want to end up like a Jerry Springer guest.
I think I will try this out and see if it works for me.
The book had other useful advice and I recommend reading it.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
The Joys of Dating
Greetings and Salutations,
I generally hate dating because it is like job hunting. It's a numbers game and you just got to keep plugging away until you get a match. But there is some joy in this process so don't feel sorry for me my dear readers.
One thing I enjoy about dating is that, as a woman, men generally will pay for things in the beginning. I had gone on 4 dates these past 3 weeks and 2 of the guys offered to go out for dinner. I like to eat so how can I pass this opportunity up? I got to pick where we got to eat and I actually had leftovers so I got to take this home for lunch for the following day, so that means one dinner would be equivalent to 2 meals. I figure I need to get me some more dinner dates since I'm not a fan of cooking!
The other nice thing about dating in the beginning is that guys are so nice to you and they like to compliment you as well and I enjoy getting told how beautiful I am.
One guy I recently went on a couple of dates does art and he did a portrait of me. I have never dated a guy who did something like that so he definitely got some brownie points for that.
Another guy I went out with, we went to the mall and I had to buy myself a photo album. We went to Walmart as I went to some other stores on my own and they didn't have what I wanted. The guy I was with bought some small items for himself. I wanted to pay for my own photo album but he was insistent on paying for it. I really didn't want him to pay so instead of arguing with him in line, I let him buy me it. How can I refuse a man who wants to be generous?
So folks, even though being single can be harsh and lonely at times, there are some benefits to it.
I generally hate dating because it is like job hunting. It's a numbers game and you just got to keep plugging away until you get a match. But there is some joy in this process so don't feel sorry for me my dear readers.
One thing I enjoy about dating is that, as a woman, men generally will pay for things in the beginning. I had gone on 4 dates these past 3 weeks and 2 of the guys offered to go out for dinner. I like to eat so how can I pass this opportunity up? I got to pick where we got to eat and I actually had leftovers so I got to take this home for lunch for the following day, so that means one dinner would be equivalent to 2 meals. I figure I need to get me some more dinner dates since I'm not a fan of cooking!
The other nice thing about dating in the beginning is that guys are so nice to you and they like to compliment you as well and I enjoy getting told how beautiful I am.
One guy I recently went on a couple of dates does art and he did a portrait of me. I have never dated a guy who did something like that so he definitely got some brownie points for that.
Another guy I went out with, we went to the mall and I had to buy myself a photo album. We went to Walmart as I went to some other stores on my own and they didn't have what I wanted. The guy I was with bought some small items for himself. I wanted to pay for my own photo album but he was insistent on paying for it. I really didn't want him to pay so instead of arguing with him in line, I let him buy me it. How can I refuse a man who wants to be generous?
So folks, even though being single can be harsh and lonely at times, there are some benefits to it.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thoughts on Work
Greetings and Salutations,
Since I've been laid off, I thought I'd express some thoughts about this very concept of work in our society. My department was notified we'd be laid off about 3 weeks prior to the actual date. I told my parents probably a few days after we were notified and my dad tells me I should start looking as soon as I was notified.
I really didn't appreciate being told how to run my life because I am not stupid. I know that you need money to pay the bills. I understand how things work. I am fortunate enough that I live in a society where we pay into a system that gives us some money if we have been laid off.
I feel like I shouldn't just take a job just for the sake of taking a job. I think sometimes people use work as a distraction so that they don't have to deal with their failures and feelings of inadequacies.
I actually want to enjoy the work that I do in life and I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to take some time to assess my life and the direction I want to take it.
The main reason people work is to buy things. The reality is the more money you have the more you spend. I'm not big on owning lots of stuff because the reality is most stuff that is out there is useless.
I've been in the work force for 9 years (not including working in high school) and I am not lazy and do have some level of ambition. I will figure out my life in my own way and in my time. I don't need to feel like I am scum and lazy because I am taking the time to evaluate my life and address my inner soul and spiritual needs.
* * *
I went out on Tuesday with the 'rents for dinner at the Mandarin and my father was quite grouchy and angry. My mother says he's been like that since they have returned from Italy (they were there for a month). He seems to like being there and chatting with all the relatives.
He said he was angry because he's not happy that I'm unemployed (through no fault of my own) and that he is worried. Now I don't know if he meant that or if he was really just angry because he likes being in Italy as my mom suggested and just wanted to use my being unemployed as an excuse.
It bothers me that they can be so negative and unsupportive. They have little faith in me. I had to remind them that it hurts me that they are so negative and pessimistic. I don't need them to worry about me. How is worrying about me going to land me a job? Honestly I keep my worrying to a minimum because largely worrying is unproductive.
I am tempted to lie to them that I found a job just so that they don't get worried.
Since I've been laid off, I thought I'd express some thoughts about this very concept of work in our society. My department was notified we'd be laid off about 3 weeks prior to the actual date. I told my parents probably a few days after we were notified and my dad tells me I should start looking as soon as I was notified.
I really didn't appreciate being told how to run my life because I am not stupid. I know that you need money to pay the bills. I understand how things work. I am fortunate enough that I live in a society where we pay into a system that gives us some money if we have been laid off.
I feel like I shouldn't just take a job just for the sake of taking a job. I think sometimes people use work as a distraction so that they don't have to deal with their failures and feelings of inadequacies.
I actually want to enjoy the work that I do in life and I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to take some time to assess my life and the direction I want to take it.
The main reason people work is to buy things. The reality is the more money you have the more you spend. I'm not big on owning lots of stuff because the reality is most stuff that is out there is useless.
I've been in the work force for 9 years (not including working in high school) and I am not lazy and do have some level of ambition. I will figure out my life in my own way and in my time. I don't need to feel like I am scum and lazy because I am taking the time to evaluate my life and address my inner soul and spiritual needs.
I went out on Tuesday with the 'rents for dinner at the Mandarin and my father was quite grouchy and angry. My mother says he's been like that since they have returned from Italy (they were there for a month). He seems to like being there and chatting with all the relatives.
He said he was angry because he's not happy that I'm unemployed (through no fault of my own) and that he is worried. Now I don't know if he meant that or if he was really just angry because he likes being in Italy as my mom suggested and just wanted to use my being unemployed as an excuse.
It bothers me that they can be so negative and unsupportive. They have little faith in me. I had to remind them that it hurts me that they are so negative and pessimistic. I don't need them to worry about me. How is worrying about me going to land me a job? Honestly I keep my worrying to a minimum because largely worrying is unproductive.
I am tempted to lie to them that I found a job just so that they don't get worried.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Not Bitchy Enough?
Greetings and Salutations,
I consider myself a fairly nice and considerate person. I am also fairly assertive and generally do not have people taking advantage of me. Sometimes I wonder if I should be more of a bitch.
Some women seem to think that they need to be mean and bitchy to get what they want and they think that it's okay to be pushy and forceful.
Sometimes I've wondered if I should be like that but I feel like that's not my style. I think I've become more laid back as I have gotten older and I have noticed that I don't really need to stress out about things and get dramatic when things aren't going the way I want.
I wasn't born with the best social skills but over the years I have made an effort to understand human behaviour so that I can get along with others but also go after the things I want while still maintaining some sort of peaceful existence with others.
I sometimes think I should be bitchier but I seem to get what I want in a charming manner. I also think as well that these women think they have to be bitchy to get what they want but I think maybe if they had more social skills developed, maybe they'd understand that being forceful and bitchy can be a waste of energy and that there are more efficient techniques for being assertive.
Any comments and thoughts would be appreciated.
I consider myself a fairly nice and considerate person. I am also fairly assertive and generally do not have people taking advantage of me. Sometimes I wonder if I should be more of a bitch.
Some women seem to think that they need to be mean and bitchy to get what they want and they think that it's okay to be pushy and forceful.
Sometimes I've wondered if I should be like that but I feel like that's not my style. I think I've become more laid back as I have gotten older and I have noticed that I don't really need to stress out about things and get dramatic when things aren't going the way I want.
I wasn't born with the best social skills but over the years I have made an effort to understand human behaviour so that I can get along with others but also go after the things I want while still maintaining some sort of peaceful existence with others.
I sometimes think I should be bitchier but I seem to get what I want in a charming manner. I also think as well that these women think they have to be bitchy to get what they want but I think maybe if they had more social skills developed, maybe they'd understand that being forceful and bitchy can be a waste of energy and that there are more efficient techniques for being assertive.
Any comments and thoughts would be appreciated.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Philosophy of Freedom
Greetings and Salutations,
I began this project a couple of months ago and it's on You Tube. It is an anthroposophy project and I am getting an article published in the Canadian Anthroposophical Society's newsletter. I'm just going to post the article (not edited by them so it's the RAW version). Here is what I am submitting:
I am in a book group that meets weekly in Dundas, Ontario. Back in September 2003, our group decided we would study Rudolf Steiner’s challenging and insightful book, Philosophy of Freedom (Intuitive Thinking as a Spiritual Path).
We had Paul Hodkins join us for an evening to give us an outline of how to study this book. I believe he taught a series workshop at the Rudolf Steiner Centre in Thornhill, which a couple of my group members attended.
The method he taught us was to summarize each paragraph. There are 2 versions of this book. One is the English translation and the other is the American translation. It is the American translation that identifies the paragraph in numerical format.
Our group found this method of studying this book very demanding and yet very worthwhile. I feel that it disciplines your thinking in a way that is much needed in today’s world. One member had remarked she found it useful to read and study this book in a group as she may not have the discipline to do this if she were alone.
Our group managed to summarize the first 7 chapters of this book. For the reminder of the book, we decided to read it and have discussions. One of the members and I continued to summarize the paragraphs on our own.
A few months ago I had decided that I would share the work that my group and I have done. I decided to start recording myself and sharing this information on You Tube. I feel that Philosophy of Freedom has a lot to offer to its readers and I recommend reading it through a few times and then trying out this method to get a better understanding of it.
You Tube is a very popular internet site which offers viewers a broad range of topics and content. I felt that putting up a study guide about Philosophy of Freedom would be very helpful to those who may not have access to a book group or who would like additional help in learning and understanding this important book. I think it is useful as well since you can study the material at your own pace and listen to the sessions multiple times.
I encourage everyone who wants to deepen their understanding of this wonderful book by visiting my You Tube page at http://www.youtube.com/user/1funnyanthropop. Please subscribe so that you can be notified when I release a new video. I also encourage viewers to email questions or comments so that I can address them.
I have been deeply enriched by studying this book through this method and I hope to share what I have learned and grasped in this videos series with those who want to deepen their understanding of this great book.
I began this project a couple of months ago and it's on You Tube. It is an anthroposophy project and I am getting an article published in the Canadian Anthroposophical Society's newsletter. I'm just going to post the article (not edited by them so it's the RAW version). Here is what I am submitting:
I am in a book group that meets weekly in Dundas, Ontario. Back in September 2003, our group decided we would study Rudolf Steiner’s challenging and insightful book, Philosophy of Freedom (Intuitive Thinking as a Spiritual Path).
We had Paul Hodkins join us for an evening to give us an outline of how to study this book. I believe he taught a series workshop at the Rudolf Steiner Centre in Thornhill, which a couple of my group members attended.
The method he taught us was to summarize each paragraph. There are 2 versions of this book. One is the English translation and the other is the American translation. It is the American translation that identifies the paragraph in numerical format.
Our group found this method of studying this book very demanding and yet very worthwhile. I feel that it disciplines your thinking in a way that is much needed in today’s world. One member had remarked she found it useful to read and study this book in a group as she may not have the discipline to do this if she were alone.
Our group managed to summarize the first 7 chapters of this book. For the reminder of the book, we decided to read it and have discussions. One of the members and I continued to summarize the paragraphs on our own.
A few months ago I had decided that I would share the work that my group and I have done. I decided to start recording myself and sharing this information on You Tube. I feel that Philosophy of Freedom has a lot to offer to its readers and I recommend reading it through a few times and then trying out this method to get a better understanding of it.
You Tube is a very popular internet site which offers viewers a broad range of topics and content. I felt that putting up a study guide about Philosophy of Freedom would be very helpful to those who may not have access to a book group or who would like additional help in learning and understanding this important book. I think it is useful as well since you can study the material at your own pace and listen to the sessions multiple times.
I encourage everyone who wants to deepen their understanding of this wonderful book by visiting my You Tube page at http://www.youtube.com/user/1funnyanthropop. Please subscribe so that you can be notified when I release a new video. I also encourage viewers to email questions or comments so that I can address them.
I have been deeply enriched by studying this book through this method and I hope to share what I have learned and grasped in this videos series with those who want to deepen their understanding of this great book.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Bored!
Greetings and Salutations,
Well last week marked my first week of being unemployed and as of now I am officially bored. I've made a personal decision that since the government is now my Sugar Daddy for a year, I want to try and take this comedy thing a bit seriously. I know there are people out there who are making a living out of it and that is what I plan to do. I know it will require me to step out of my comfort zone a bit and so that is why I've been hesitant to actually look for a regular job.
I know if I go and get a regular job, I'll keep thinking about comedy. I'll just keep repeating this cycle that I have been on and never be happy with the work that I do. i'm quite tired of this cycle and tired of having my talents go to waste - largely due to my lack of confidence in myself. It's not enough that I can make my co-workers laugh. I need more!
The good thing is that since I've been doing open mic nights since February, my confidence in stand up is increasing and I have 20 minutes worth of decent material.
Part of my strategy also involves producing short videos for youtube, of which I've already done my first. I would like to do at least one a week.
I bet making a living in comedy isn't as hard as I think it is in my head. I can get very emotional about things sometimes but I think if I try and think strategically it would probably help me feel less overwhelmed.
I am going to be doing something that I am not used to so I have to train myself. I have to train myself to take action in ways I am not used it.
I must rise above my feelings of self doubt and lack of confidence!
Huzzah!
Well last week marked my first week of being unemployed and as of now I am officially bored. I've made a personal decision that since the government is now my Sugar Daddy for a year, I want to try and take this comedy thing a bit seriously. I know there are people out there who are making a living out of it and that is what I plan to do. I know it will require me to step out of my comfort zone a bit and so that is why I've been hesitant to actually look for a regular job.
I know if I go and get a regular job, I'll keep thinking about comedy. I'll just keep repeating this cycle that I have been on and never be happy with the work that I do. i'm quite tired of this cycle and tired of having my talents go to waste - largely due to my lack of confidence in myself. It's not enough that I can make my co-workers laugh. I need more!
The good thing is that since I've been doing open mic nights since February, my confidence in stand up is increasing and I have 20 minutes worth of decent material.
Part of my strategy also involves producing short videos for youtube, of which I've already done my first. I would like to do at least one a week.
I bet making a living in comedy isn't as hard as I think it is in my head. I can get very emotional about things sometimes but I think if I try and think strategically it would probably help me feel less overwhelmed.
I am going to be doing something that I am not used to so I have to train myself. I have to train myself to take action in ways I am not used it.
I must rise above my feelings of self doubt and lack of confidence!
Huzzah!
Sunday, August 10, 2008
My New Video
Greetings all,
I produced a video this Thursday entitled How I Spend my Time when my Roommate is Away. I posted it on youtube and would love for my wonderful readers to check it out and give it a 5 star rating!
Hope you enjoy it!
I produced a video this Thursday entitled How I Spend my Time when my Roommate is Away. I posted it on youtube and would love for my wonderful readers to check it out and give it a 5 star rating!
Hope you enjoy it!
Monday, August 04, 2008
Sad Musings
Greetings and Salutations,
Today is a holiday in Canada and today is my official last day at my job (we got holiday pay as we worked Friday).
I'm quite sad as I feel overwhelmed and frustrated by numerous things.
I began this detox program which supposedly helps people to lose weight called the Master Cleanse (aka lemonade diet). I am on Day 3 and to get the most out of it you are to do for 10 days although I read somewhere you can do it for a minimum of 3 days.
I am interested to see if this detoxes my body and see if it helps me to lose some weight. I don't know if I want to do for 10 days. I find it to be a bit more expensive then when I buy my regular groceries because you are supposed to buy organic lemons and they cost $1 each. I've also boughten organic maple syrup and have finished the bottle already and that was expensive as well.
I think I have the discipline to do it but the cheapskate in me doesn't want to spend all this money. I have the time to do it but since I lost my job, I don't want to spend money so quickly.
I think 3 days is good though. I've always been someone that doesn't skip meals and I've broken Italian Law because I have not been eating solid foods for the past 3 days.
I find drinking the lemon drink helps to ease the hunger pains. Today I don't feel as bad as yesterday where I felt a bit stupid and slow to think. I woke up yesterday feeling really angry and I think that was because I was hungry.
* * *
Another thing that I'm going through that is causing me much heartache is I had some argument via email with the English Muffin and now he doesn't want to talk to me at all. I largely think that he misunderstood why I was angry. I made some comment about his friend and he obviously got defensive and protective. I was probably off when I made my initial attack and I was most likely being impulsive (largely due to my anger over what I perceived to be inappropriate behaviour). I think he didn't try to get where I was coming from because he saw my comments as an attack on the person whereas I saw them more as an attack on the behaviour and so I kept arguing my position on this behaviour.
I just don't think it was fair for him to not give this a chance to be verbally discussed because I probably would have apologized sooner or at least stop the argument and talk about it over skype so that it doesn't get too heated.
I've sent him a couple of apologies but have not heard from him. The last time we had some fight like this he didn't talk to me for some time and it really bothers me because if someone is mad at me, I'd rather talk about it and get it out of the way.
I think most people find this relationship with the English Muffin as strange. I'm still making myself open to dating other guys but I'm not really into it. I think because we have seen each other on skype and talked, I at least know that I find him attractive and I find for the most part we are compatible.
I probably should talk to him about these things but haven't gotten the nerve because it is a little strange situation to me to have feelings for someone that you just email and talk on skype with.
I probably should have told him that I think about him alot.
I probably should have told him that when I am out by myself or with friends, I wish he was there along side me.
I probably should have told him that I can see a future with him and that we can make this odd situation work (although he'd have to be the one to do most of the work as he has told me he wants to leave England)
I guess I feel a bit defensive and awkward about opening up about my feelings for someone whom I don't actually get to physically be with. I guess some people probably are skeptical or naive and I guess they can be.
And I find it even more strange that I have these feelings for someone and haven't had a chance to have sex with him!
All I know is that I've pissed off this guy that I really like and I may not get the chance to tell him my feelings because I've pissed him off so much.
Crrkk
The sound of my heart breaking
Today is a holiday in Canada and today is my official last day at my job (we got holiday pay as we worked Friday).
I'm quite sad as I feel overwhelmed and frustrated by numerous things.
I began this detox program which supposedly helps people to lose weight called the Master Cleanse (aka lemonade diet). I am on Day 3 and to get the most out of it you are to do for 10 days although I read somewhere you can do it for a minimum of 3 days.
I am interested to see if this detoxes my body and see if it helps me to lose some weight. I don't know if I want to do for 10 days. I find it to be a bit more expensive then when I buy my regular groceries because you are supposed to buy organic lemons and they cost $1 each. I've also boughten organic maple syrup and have finished the bottle already and that was expensive as well.
I think I have the discipline to do it but the cheapskate in me doesn't want to spend all this money. I have the time to do it but since I lost my job, I don't want to spend money so quickly.
I think 3 days is good though. I've always been someone that doesn't skip meals and I've broken Italian Law because I have not been eating solid foods for the past 3 days.
I find drinking the lemon drink helps to ease the hunger pains. Today I don't feel as bad as yesterday where I felt a bit stupid and slow to think. I woke up yesterday feeling really angry and I think that was because I was hungry.
Another thing that I'm going through that is causing me much heartache is I had some argument via email with the English Muffin and now he doesn't want to talk to me at all. I largely think that he misunderstood why I was angry. I made some comment about his friend and he obviously got defensive and protective. I was probably off when I made my initial attack and I was most likely being impulsive (largely due to my anger over what I perceived to be inappropriate behaviour). I think he didn't try to get where I was coming from because he saw my comments as an attack on the person whereas I saw them more as an attack on the behaviour and so I kept arguing my position on this behaviour.
I just don't think it was fair for him to not give this a chance to be verbally discussed because I probably would have apologized sooner or at least stop the argument and talk about it over skype so that it doesn't get too heated.
I've sent him a couple of apologies but have not heard from him. The last time we had some fight like this he didn't talk to me for some time and it really bothers me because if someone is mad at me, I'd rather talk about it and get it out of the way.
I think most people find this relationship with the English Muffin as strange. I'm still making myself open to dating other guys but I'm not really into it. I think because we have seen each other on skype and talked, I at least know that I find him attractive and I find for the most part we are compatible.
I probably should talk to him about these things but haven't gotten the nerve because it is a little strange situation to me to have feelings for someone that you just email and talk on skype with.
I probably should have told him that I think about him alot.
I probably should have told him that when I am out by myself or with friends, I wish he was there along side me.
I probably should have told him that I can see a future with him and that we can make this odd situation work (although he'd have to be the one to do most of the work as he has told me he wants to leave England)
I guess I feel a bit defensive and awkward about opening up about my feelings for someone whom I don't actually get to physically be with. I guess some people probably are skeptical or naive and I guess they can be.
And I find it even more strange that I have these feelings for someone and haven't had a chance to have sex with him!
All I know is that I've pissed off this guy that I really like and I may not get the chance to tell him my feelings because I've pissed him off so much.
Crrkk
The sound of my heart breaking
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Roughin' It
Greetings and Salutations,
I went to Montreal last Wednesday evening until Sunday for the Just For Laughs festival. I signed up to attend their first Industry conference. I actually never got around to seeing any shows. The conference was from Thursday to Friday and they had various information sessions.
They also had a session where you could have lunch with a person in the industry along with 3 other people. I had lunch with the VP of Content at Fox. I thought she was nice and cool and enjoyed hearing her talk about her experience at Fox and hearing how she has to listen to pitches and what she's looking for.
I also got to meet Colin Mochrie from Whose Line is it Anyways? I am a fan of his and I saw him twice on the Thursday but didn't have the nerve to go up to him. I saw him again on the Friday and again didn't have the nerve. He was a speaker in one of the sessions about improv and I went up to him afterwards. Ryan Stiles was there, another favourite of mine from WLIIA. I went up to Mochrie and told him I was a fan and that watching the show inspired me to do improv. I asked for his picture and I managed to get a picture with Stiles and Mochrie.
On Saturday the conference organized a ball hockey and basketball game so I signed up for the ball hockey game. It was artists verus industry. I was the only female on my team and the other team had one female as well. We ended up winning but was losing in the beginning. We managed to tie it up and then we kicked ass and won (I think) 18-6. I wanted to score a goal but didn't, although I had a few shots on net.
On Sunday I decided to visit the Canadian Centre of Architecture. I visited Montreal 5 years ago so did some sightseeing then. I managed to get the museum for 15 minutes so I was disappointed because I enjoy looking at architecture things and the interesting designs they come up with. It's kinda like geometry shapes to me and I'm a huge fan of geometric shapes (hence my like of platonic solids).
I enjoyed the stuff they had last time but this time it was crap. They showed some stuff about London and Tokyo and I thought the style they were going for in Tokyo were bland and generic and seeing the style of buildings was too cold for me!
They also showed the design process of the Ontario College of Arts (OCAD) and Design that is in Toronto. I thought the building was hideous and ugly and didn't think it was pretty. I saw some nice buildings in Barcelona that had some artistic merit but this building for the OCAD was vile. And it cost well over 30 million to make!
* * *
I've hit a really important point in my qigong practice. For the past week and a half week I've been either crying during my practice or after my practice. I've also been practising twice a day for about 3 times this week. I decided to not do that too often because there is such a thing as crying too much.
I know that the crying is for my own good because it is a sign that my practice is clearing up blockages. I'm experiencing alot of inner pain but I know it is something I have to go through. The tension in my head is improving as well and the tense spots in my head area are relaxing more and I think that's because I've held onto certain emotions and I'm letting them go through crying.
I'm usually someone that doesn't like to cry and I sometimes will try hard not to show that emotion but over the years I have been becoming comfortable with myself that I let myself be vulnerable and open to pain.
I'm not sure why I am doing all this crying and have so much pain. I haven't had a particularly painful life. One of my personal beliefs is that of reincarnation. As an anthroposophist, Steiner has discussed the concept of reincarnation. I was skeptical about the idea but hearing Steiner's ideas about it made sense to me so it is something that I believe to be true. I think perhaps in some life I must have been wrongly accused and probably persecuted because I feel so much anger towards things and feel a certain desire for justice. I'm hoping eventually things become clearer to me and I hope that this period of my life goes by quickly.
I went to Montreal last Wednesday evening until Sunday for the Just For Laughs festival. I signed up to attend their first Industry conference. I actually never got around to seeing any shows. The conference was from Thursday to Friday and they had various information sessions.
They also had a session where you could have lunch with a person in the industry along with 3 other people. I had lunch with the VP of Content at Fox. I thought she was nice and cool and enjoyed hearing her talk about her experience at Fox and hearing how she has to listen to pitches and what she's looking for.
I also got to meet Colin Mochrie from Whose Line is it Anyways? I am a fan of his and I saw him twice on the Thursday but didn't have the nerve to go up to him. I saw him again on the Friday and again didn't have the nerve. He was a speaker in one of the sessions about improv and I went up to him afterwards. Ryan Stiles was there, another favourite of mine from WLIIA. I went up to Mochrie and told him I was a fan and that watching the show inspired me to do improv. I asked for his picture and I managed to get a picture with Stiles and Mochrie.
On Saturday the conference organized a ball hockey and basketball game so I signed up for the ball hockey game. It was artists verus industry. I was the only female on my team and the other team had one female as well. We ended up winning but was losing in the beginning. We managed to tie it up and then we kicked ass and won (I think) 18-6. I wanted to score a goal but didn't, although I had a few shots on net.
On Sunday I decided to visit the Canadian Centre of Architecture. I visited Montreal 5 years ago so did some sightseeing then. I managed to get the museum for 15 minutes so I was disappointed because I enjoy looking at architecture things and the interesting designs they come up with. It's kinda like geometry shapes to me and I'm a huge fan of geometric shapes (hence my like of platonic solids).
I enjoyed the stuff they had last time but this time it was crap. They showed some stuff about London and Tokyo and I thought the style they were going for in Tokyo were bland and generic and seeing the style of buildings was too cold for me!
They also showed the design process of the Ontario College of Arts (OCAD) and Design that is in Toronto. I thought the building was hideous and ugly and didn't think it was pretty. I saw some nice buildings in Barcelona that had some artistic merit but this building for the OCAD was vile. And it cost well over 30 million to make!
I've hit a really important point in my qigong practice. For the past week and a half week I've been either crying during my practice or after my practice. I've also been practising twice a day for about 3 times this week. I decided to not do that too often because there is such a thing as crying too much.
I know that the crying is for my own good because it is a sign that my practice is clearing up blockages. I'm experiencing alot of inner pain but I know it is something I have to go through. The tension in my head is improving as well and the tense spots in my head area are relaxing more and I think that's because I've held onto certain emotions and I'm letting them go through crying.
I'm usually someone that doesn't like to cry and I sometimes will try hard not to show that emotion but over the years I have been becoming comfortable with myself that I let myself be vulnerable and open to pain.
I'm not sure why I am doing all this crying and have so much pain. I haven't had a particularly painful life. One of my personal beliefs is that of reincarnation. As an anthroposophist, Steiner has discussed the concept of reincarnation. I was skeptical about the idea but hearing Steiner's ideas about it made sense to me so it is something that I believe to be true. I think perhaps in some life I must have been wrongly accused and probably persecuted because I feel so much anger towards things and feel a certain desire for justice. I'm hoping eventually things become clearer to me and I hope that this period of my life goes by quickly.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Just For Laughs
Greetings and Salutations,
I've been in Montreal since Wednesday night and am attending the first ever Industry Conference for the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. The conference was for 2 days and it covered a wide range of topics. I found it boring but I think I learned something. I've been thinking for a while about how I have to be an entrepreneur if I'm going to attempt this comedy thing. I basically have to take whatever ideas I have and do them and make work for myself. I think I have a bit of that spirit in me but I think for the most part I repress it because I never understood the value of comedy.
I think for the most part, I am a funny person and can make jokes and what not but at the same time, I don't get how I do it and I don't really see any value for doing it. I think my brain just gravitates towards seeing the funny in things. I struggle with this ability I have of making jokes and seeing the humour in things because at the same time I want to be normal like everyone else and have a normal job. I've wrestled with the idea of going back to school, I've thought of various jobs I could do but I never liked the idea.
I got to have, along with 3 others, a lunch with the VP of Comedy Content at Fox, Suzanna Makkos. It was just a friendly lunch and there were other important type people that others had lunch with. I enjoyed the lunch and found her to be enjoyable as a person. I think I learned a little about her side of the business.
I also got my picture taken with Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie, who I first saw on Whose Line is it Anyways? That show inspired to get into improv and Stiles and Mochrie were my favourite. I saw Mochrie twice yesterday and didn't have the nerve to go up to him to get his picture. He was talking in one of the sessions about improv, along with other people involved in improv and I went up to him afterwards. I only spoke to him for about a minute and I felt rather dorky. I said that I was a fan and that the show inspired me to get into improv. I then asked for a picture.
There was a social cocktail yesterday at the end of the day but I'm not really into that unless I know a few people and I knew no one and I'm usually not comfortable trying to socialize with all those people so I just walked around for a few minutes and left. I can handle meeting new people but when it's a ton of people, I have no idea who to approach and what to start talking about.
* * *
I'm losing interest in the English Muffin. I've been talking to some of my friends about my situation. I really like him but at the same time I don't think he likes me as much as I like him. I feel like lately I'm always bugging him to chat on Skype. I think maybe he really just likes me as a friend. I figure if someone likes you, they make an effort to talk to you and to be with you and I'm just not seeing that in his behaviour.
I in this moment just don't consider him to be a potential boyfriend anymore. I've been on another dating site for a while and have some coffee dates lined up for when I return.
My intention is to find a boyfriend whom I can have a long term relationship that could lead to making babies and getting married (although not in that order). My strategy is to date guys and eventually weed out the ones that I don't think have potential. My old strategy to date one guy at a time just didn't work. It's time guys start convincing me why I should spend my time with them instead of me trying to get the guy to spend time with me.
I'm going to involve myself less (i.e less email, chatting on Skype -which he seems to have helped me with) with the English Muffin. I feel like I'm getting frustrated with things and the best thing for me is to let go and move on. I'll keep him as a friend for now. I can only control myself and since I want a boyfriend, I'll just keep looking until I find one that treats me and give me the attention I deserve.
I don't want to get myself emotionally invested in someone that's not making the same effort as I am.
Another thing that bothers me is that I don't think he's serious about leaving England like he claims. I figure if you are interested in leaving your country, you'd go visit the country that you want to go or make some steps or something.
He said he joined eharmony to make Canadian friends but who the hell makes friends before they move into the country? You should do that when you are actually going to move. It just doesn't make much sense to me.
I don't think I'm that naive but I did genuinely believe he was interested in coming here but I have my doubts now and I am starting to feel like I'm being played, although I don't know what he would get out of playing me.
I've been in Montreal since Wednesday night and am attending the first ever Industry Conference for the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. The conference was for 2 days and it covered a wide range of topics. I found it boring but I think I learned something. I've been thinking for a while about how I have to be an entrepreneur if I'm going to attempt this comedy thing. I basically have to take whatever ideas I have and do them and make work for myself. I think I have a bit of that spirit in me but I think for the most part I repress it because I never understood the value of comedy.
I think for the most part, I am a funny person and can make jokes and what not but at the same time, I don't get how I do it and I don't really see any value for doing it. I think my brain just gravitates towards seeing the funny in things. I struggle with this ability I have of making jokes and seeing the humour in things because at the same time I want to be normal like everyone else and have a normal job. I've wrestled with the idea of going back to school, I've thought of various jobs I could do but I never liked the idea.
I got to have, along with 3 others, a lunch with the VP of Comedy Content at Fox, Suzanna Makkos. It was just a friendly lunch and there were other important type people that others had lunch with. I enjoyed the lunch and found her to be enjoyable as a person. I think I learned a little about her side of the business.
I also got my picture taken with Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie, who I first saw on Whose Line is it Anyways? That show inspired to get into improv and Stiles and Mochrie were my favourite. I saw Mochrie twice yesterday and didn't have the nerve to go up to him to get his picture. He was talking in one of the sessions about improv, along with other people involved in improv and I went up to him afterwards. I only spoke to him for about a minute and I felt rather dorky. I said that I was a fan and that the show inspired me to get into improv. I then asked for a picture.
There was a social cocktail yesterday at the end of the day but I'm not really into that unless I know a few people and I knew no one and I'm usually not comfortable trying to socialize with all those people so I just walked around for a few minutes and left. I can handle meeting new people but when it's a ton of people, I have no idea who to approach and what to start talking about.
I'm losing interest in the English Muffin. I've been talking to some of my friends about my situation. I really like him but at the same time I don't think he likes me as much as I like him. I feel like lately I'm always bugging him to chat on Skype. I think maybe he really just likes me as a friend. I figure if someone likes you, they make an effort to talk to you and to be with you and I'm just not seeing that in his behaviour.
I in this moment just don't consider him to be a potential boyfriend anymore. I've been on another dating site for a while and have some coffee dates lined up for when I return.
My intention is to find a boyfriend whom I can have a long term relationship that could lead to making babies and getting married (although not in that order). My strategy is to date guys and eventually weed out the ones that I don't think have potential. My old strategy to date one guy at a time just didn't work. It's time guys start convincing me why I should spend my time with them instead of me trying to get the guy to spend time with me.
I'm going to involve myself less (i.e less email, chatting on Skype -which he seems to have helped me with) with the English Muffin. I feel like I'm getting frustrated with things and the best thing for me is to let go and move on. I'll keep him as a friend for now. I can only control myself and since I want a boyfriend, I'll just keep looking until I find one that treats me and give me the attention I deserve.
I don't want to get myself emotionally invested in someone that's not making the same effort as I am.
Another thing that bothers me is that I don't think he's serious about leaving England like he claims. I figure if you are interested in leaving your country, you'd go visit the country that you want to go or make some steps or something.
He said he joined eharmony to make Canadian friends but who the hell makes friends before they move into the country? You should do that when you are actually going to move. It just doesn't make much sense to me.
I don't think I'm that naive but I did genuinely believe he was interested in coming here but I have my doubts now and I am starting to feel like I'm being played, although I don't know what he would get out of playing me.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Water Experiment
Greetings and Salutations,
I did this water experiment as outlined to me by my qigong instructor, Sifu Cheung. I took this workshop back in October 2007 but began the experiment on December 28 2007. This experiment involves taking some cooked white rice and putting some in an empty water bottle and put a little bit of water in it. One we treat in a loving manner and the other we treat with hate or just ignore it.
I would probably talk to each bottle for about 1 to 2 minutes. I did this more often in the beginning of the experiment, like 2-3 times a week. I used the exact same type of water bottles and would give both bottles equal time. For example, I wouldn't just be talking to the love bottle, I would talk to one first and then the other.
I was quite abusive to the hate bottle and ended up smacking it on the bottom (not to the point of damage). I said things such as "you are stupid", "nobody likes you", "you're fucking worthless", "you'll never amount to anything", and various other hateful and hurtful common expressions.
With my love bottle, I would speak gently to it and say things like "I love you", "you're beautiful" and I would even caress it gently.
I hadn't been doing the experiment too much lately but this week I noticed a very obvious change. I was expecting the rice in the hate bottle to turn brown faster then the love bottle but I was quite surprised to see how distorted and bent out of shape the hate bottle had become.
See for yourself and maybe even try it out for yourself. I hope that we all realize as a society that being hateful towards others is harmful and I feel this experiment demonstrates the impact of being hateful and negative.
Beginning of Experiment: Photos taken December 28, 2007
love and hate bottles in my closet
love bottle closeup of rice
love bottle
hate bottle
hate bottle rice closeup
Photos taken: July 12, 2008
Left is hate bottle, right is love bottle
I did this water experiment as outlined to me by my qigong instructor, Sifu Cheung. I took this workshop back in October 2007 but began the experiment on December 28 2007. This experiment involves taking some cooked white rice and putting some in an empty water bottle and put a little bit of water in it. One we treat in a loving manner and the other we treat with hate or just ignore it.
I would probably talk to each bottle for about 1 to 2 minutes. I did this more often in the beginning of the experiment, like 2-3 times a week. I used the exact same type of water bottles and would give both bottles equal time. For example, I wouldn't just be talking to the love bottle, I would talk to one first and then the other.
I was quite abusive to the hate bottle and ended up smacking it on the bottom (not to the point of damage). I said things such as "you are stupid", "nobody likes you", "you're fucking worthless", "you'll never amount to anything", and various other hateful and hurtful common expressions.
With my love bottle, I would speak gently to it and say things like "I love you", "you're beautiful" and I would even caress it gently.
I hadn't been doing the experiment too much lately but this week I noticed a very obvious change. I was expecting the rice in the hate bottle to turn brown faster then the love bottle but I was quite surprised to see how distorted and bent out of shape the hate bottle had become.
See for yourself and maybe even try it out for yourself. I hope that we all realize as a society that being hateful towards others is harmful and I feel this experiment demonstrates the impact of being hateful and negative.
Beginning of Experiment: Photos taken December 28, 2007
love and hate bottles in my closet
love bottle closeup of rice
love bottle
hate bottle
hate bottle rice closeupPhotos taken: July 12, 2008
Left is hate bottle, right is love bottle
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Moving Forward by Force
Greetings and salutations,
My small department got notified Monday morning that our company is getting rid of our department. We do outsource work for a cable company and they have decided to not renew the contract they have with us. So our last day is the end of this month.
The company said the only work available was in the call centre and there was only evening work. That wouldn't work for me since I need my evenings free to perform my comedy.
I'm oddly optimistic that things will work out for me. I want to pursue comedy so maybe this will give me the space and time that I need. The only thing is now my mom will worry about me because I am renting out an apartment and not living at home anymore but I think everything will work out.
My small department got notified Monday morning that our company is getting rid of our department. We do outsource work for a cable company and they have decided to not renew the contract they have with us. So our last day is the end of this month.
The company said the only work available was in the call centre and there was only evening work. That wouldn't work for me since I need my evenings free to perform my comedy.
I'm oddly optimistic that things will work out for me. I want to pursue comedy so maybe this will give me the space and time that I need. The only thing is now my mom will worry about me because I am renting out an apartment and not living at home anymore but I think everything will work out.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Happy Canada Day!
Greetings and Salutations,
Today is Canada Day here in... Canada.
I'm enjoying my day off and am glad to be doing some blogging as it's been awhile.
I thought I'd start out by writing about my thoughts on the increasingly popular trend of cohabitation before marriage. I think I must be one of the few people left in this society who doesn't really agree with cohabitation prior to marriage.
The common reason I typically hear why people say they are living together is that they want to test things out. I believe people need to decide how they want to live their lives and as long as they don't hurt people, I generally accept - although I may not agree with - the life choices they make.
I see living together as some half assed commitment. I thought you test things out by using the good old fashioned method of dating, which should be a minimum of 1 year to get to know someone and their values, habits and outlook on life.
I guess in some situations, living together is sometimes the only logical step. My one friend lived in Hamilton and Yellowknife and had a boyfriend in Yellowknife. She would live in each city for a few months because she was working on her Masters and Yellowknife was where her field of study. I don't know if they were engaged but when she permenantly moved up there, they lived together and then eventually got married.
I had a coworker tell me before her man moved in with her that he lived on his own and took care of things and cleaned up after himself but when they moved in together, he became more sloppy. They are not married but it shows that people can change their behaviour whether they are married or are just living common law with you.
People also argue that if the relationship doesn't work out at least it's easier to end if you're just living together then if you are married. I think this is sort of backwards thinking because I think it indicates someone who doesn't take their relationships seriously and it reveals that they lack the ability to struggle through tough times. If 2 people are in a relationship and it's not working out, it will end anyways and whether you are just living together or are married, it will be difficult to end because we humans are emotional creatures and it will hurt no matter what your living situation is. It may be true that technically and financially it will be easier to end a relationship if you're just living together but either way, it will be hard emotionally.
For me personally I think living together is just wrong. It makes no sense to me and that is probably why I highly doubt I will be someone who lives with someone before marriage. I think if you are going to make the commitment of living with someone for an undetermined amount of time, you might as well just take the big leap of marriage. Go big or go home!
Today is Canada Day here in... Canada.
I'm enjoying my day off and am glad to be doing some blogging as it's been awhile.
I thought I'd start out by writing about my thoughts on the increasingly popular trend of cohabitation before marriage. I think I must be one of the few people left in this society who doesn't really agree with cohabitation prior to marriage.
The common reason I typically hear why people say they are living together is that they want to test things out. I believe people need to decide how they want to live their lives and as long as they don't hurt people, I generally accept - although I may not agree with - the life choices they make.
I see living together as some half assed commitment. I thought you test things out by using the good old fashioned method of dating, which should be a minimum of 1 year to get to know someone and their values, habits and outlook on life.
I guess in some situations, living together is sometimes the only logical step. My one friend lived in Hamilton and Yellowknife and had a boyfriend in Yellowknife. She would live in each city for a few months because she was working on her Masters and Yellowknife was where her field of study. I don't know if they were engaged but when she permenantly moved up there, they lived together and then eventually got married.
I had a coworker tell me before her man moved in with her that he lived on his own and took care of things and cleaned up after himself but when they moved in together, he became more sloppy. They are not married but it shows that people can change their behaviour whether they are married or are just living common law with you.
People also argue that if the relationship doesn't work out at least it's easier to end if you're just living together then if you are married. I think this is sort of backwards thinking because I think it indicates someone who doesn't take their relationships seriously and it reveals that they lack the ability to struggle through tough times. If 2 people are in a relationship and it's not working out, it will end anyways and whether you are just living together or are married, it will be difficult to end because we humans are emotional creatures and it will hurt no matter what your living situation is. It may be true that technically and financially it will be easier to end a relationship if you're just living together but either way, it will be hard emotionally.
For me personally I think living together is just wrong. It makes no sense to me and that is probably why I highly doubt I will be someone who lives with someone before marriage. I think if you are going to make the commitment of living with someone for an undetermined amount of time, you might as well just take the big leap of marriage. Go big or go home!
Friday, May 30, 2008
Vacation Update
Greetings and salutations,
Today I am in Paris. I arrived last evening from London. I arrived in London on the 24th and hated my night flight. I couldn't even sleep so I don't know if I will ever take an overnight flight again.
I actually got to meet the English Muffin on Wednesday as he skipped out on work. He took me to Stonehenge and then we went to this town called Bath. We got there late so there wasn't much to do so we wondered around and eventually went to his place.
Where I got none.
Yes that's right folks, the English Muffin didn't want to put out on the first meeting because he wanted to be a 'gentleman' and had some bizarre superstition that if we had sex on the first meeting, the relationship wouldn't work out.
Whatever!
He thinks it's a little weird how direct we Canadian women are about sex. Sex is just like anything else in this world. I don't talk about it all the time but when talking about it, why not just cut to the chase and tell it like it is???
He has some other Canadian female friend who is similar to me about being open to talking about sex but I don't think everyone in Canada is like that.
I liked the subway system better in London and find it more cleaner.
I managed to get hit on on my first night out in London. Usually I go out in the day but this was my first day there and I was so tired from the overnight flight, that I took a nap and decided to hit some bars. I had my nice sexy top that showcased my lovely cleavage. Near the end of my night I had someone approach me and ask me for directions but I said I was lost as well and we started chatting. I think that was just a pick up line. We went to some pub and he bought me a drink. It turns out he is an Italian doctor. A gynecologist specifically. I chuckled when he told me that because that is comedy material right there!!! He says he delivers babies and does examinations. He walked me back to my hostel but not all the way as I didn't want him to know where I was staying.
This of course was all prior to me speaking to the english muffin, who responded to my emails Saturday evening while I was out.
Well I must begin my day of exploring Paris so I will eventually write some more.
Au revoir mon amies!
Today I am in Paris. I arrived last evening from London. I arrived in London on the 24th and hated my night flight. I couldn't even sleep so I don't know if I will ever take an overnight flight again.
I actually got to meet the English Muffin on Wednesday as he skipped out on work. He took me to Stonehenge and then we went to this town called Bath. We got there late so there wasn't much to do so we wondered around and eventually went to his place.
Where I got none.
Yes that's right folks, the English Muffin didn't want to put out on the first meeting because he wanted to be a 'gentleman' and had some bizarre superstition that if we had sex on the first meeting, the relationship wouldn't work out.
Whatever!
He thinks it's a little weird how direct we Canadian women are about sex. Sex is just like anything else in this world. I don't talk about it all the time but when talking about it, why not just cut to the chase and tell it like it is???
He has some other Canadian female friend who is similar to me about being open to talking about sex but I don't think everyone in Canada is like that.
I liked the subway system better in London and find it more cleaner.
I managed to get hit on on my first night out in London. Usually I go out in the day but this was my first day there and I was so tired from the overnight flight, that I took a nap and decided to hit some bars. I had my nice sexy top that showcased my lovely cleavage. Near the end of my night I had someone approach me and ask me for directions but I said I was lost as well and we started chatting. I think that was just a pick up line. We went to some pub and he bought me a drink. It turns out he is an Italian doctor. A gynecologist specifically. I chuckled when he told me that because that is comedy material right there!!! He says he delivers babies and does examinations. He walked me back to my hostel but not all the way as I didn't want him to know where I was staying.
This of course was all prior to me speaking to the english muffin, who responded to my emails Saturday evening while I was out.
Well I must begin my day of exploring Paris so I will eventually write some more.
Au revoir mon amies!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Some Stand-up for you...
Greetings all,
I thought I'd post a set I did about 2 months ago at a show in Toronto. It's available at youtube. You can watch me here.
This was a show my roommate and her friend went to see so my roommate was kind enough to videotape my performance so I can critique and learn from myself.
One of my critiques is that I use the word um too much. I'm a little embarassed to be posting this but this is part of the process when evolving as a performer.
Enjoy!
I thought I'd post a set I did about 2 months ago at a show in Toronto. It's available at youtube. You can watch me here.
This was a show my roommate and her friend went to see so my roommate was kind enough to videotape my performance so I can critique and learn from myself.
One of my critiques is that I use the word um too much. I'm a little embarassed to be posting this but this is part of the process when evolving as a performer.
Enjoy!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Oy Vey!
Greetings and Salutations,
I'm getting excited about my vacation to England, France and Spain. I haven't really planned anything and I would have done so during this long weekend but I have been super busy, which annoys the crap out of me. I'm going to start preparing tomorrow night.
My roommate is going to England as well for a week 2 days before I leave. She's going to some friend's wedding. I look forward to my vacation, although it will be a little bitter-sweet since I was hoping to meet the English Muffin but I don't think that's going to happen. I never really explained to you my beloved audience what happened between us and I will take a moment to do so.
I was getting frustrated that I hadn't chatted with him for 5 days. Normally we talk a bit more frequently. Not using it as an excuse, but my week was a bit stressful and I was hoping to at least have someone whom I felt would understand some of my stress. Low and behold, I send him a break up email(I referred to him as my potential boyfriend so I wanted to end that). I put some thought into it and wanted to at least stay friends. A couple of days later I realized maybe I was being impulsive so I wanted to at least explain to him on the phone (Skype). He was ignoring me and then I sent an email just explaining myself and still no reply. I was hoping to at least meet up with him for coffee but I haven't heard from him, which saddens and confuses me. However life goes on. I have managed to date one person and so now I am back into this ever so interesting dating process.
I'm going to couchsurf as well. My one friend used the site and had a positive experience. It works similar to ebay in that people do leave feedback so at least you can find out if this person is decent. They have an address verification process as well. I might hostel as well but I want to try out this couchsurfing thing.
My parents gave me some Euro dollars and I'll have to get some Pounds as well this week. I hope I can get myself organized soon. I'm not going to plan everything but need a beginning planned. I'm also wondering if I should rent a car for a few days here and there. I plan to stay in London for a couple of days and Paris as well.
I'm nervous and excited!
* * *
I'm starting to refer to myself now as a Tempermental Artist. I think I'm over this being a nerd and then becoming a Diva while still thinking I'm a nerd. I like this idea of being a Tempermental Artist. I used to dislike the term 'artist'. I heard some young woman refer to herself as that and I thought how stupid and wussy it sounds but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I am an artist. I like to write and think of jokes and funny things. I create therefore I am an artist. And I am a perfectionist in certain parts of my life. In fact I don't think the word perfectionist is accurate. I am a precisionist. I like to be precise about things and when it comes to my art, my comedy, I am a precisionist which is why I can be tempermental and fussy about certain things.
I'm getting excited about my vacation to England, France and Spain. I haven't really planned anything and I would have done so during this long weekend but I have been super busy, which annoys the crap out of me. I'm going to start preparing tomorrow night.
My roommate is going to England as well for a week 2 days before I leave. She's going to some friend's wedding. I look forward to my vacation, although it will be a little bitter-sweet since I was hoping to meet the English Muffin but I don't think that's going to happen. I never really explained to you my beloved audience what happened between us and I will take a moment to do so.
I was getting frustrated that I hadn't chatted with him for 5 days. Normally we talk a bit more frequently. Not using it as an excuse, but my week was a bit stressful and I was hoping to at least have someone whom I felt would understand some of my stress. Low and behold, I send him a break up email(I referred to him as my potential boyfriend so I wanted to end that). I put some thought into it and wanted to at least stay friends. A couple of days later I realized maybe I was being impulsive so I wanted to at least explain to him on the phone (Skype). He was ignoring me and then I sent an email just explaining myself and still no reply. I was hoping to at least meet up with him for coffee but I haven't heard from him, which saddens and confuses me. However life goes on. I have managed to date one person and so now I am back into this ever so interesting dating process.
I'm going to couchsurf as well. My one friend used the site and had a positive experience. It works similar to ebay in that people do leave feedback so at least you can find out if this person is decent. They have an address verification process as well. I might hostel as well but I want to try out this couchsurfing thing.
My parents gave me some Euro dollars and I'll have to get some Pounds as well this week. I hope I can get myself organized soon. I'm not going to plan everything but need a beginning planned. I'm also wondering if I should rent a car for a few days here and there. I plan to stay in London for a couple of days and Paris as well.
I'm nervous and excited!
I'm starting to refer to myself now as a Tempermental Artist. I think I'm over this being a nerd and then becoming a Diva while still thinking I'm a nerd. I like this idea of being a Tempermental Artist. I used to dislike the term 'artist'. I heard some young woman refer to herself as that and I thought how stupid and wussy it sounds but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I am an artist. I like to write and think of jokes and funny things. I create therefore I am an artist. And I am a perfectionist in certain parts of my life. In fact I don't think the word perfectionist is accurate. I am a precisionist. I like to be precise about things and when it comes to my art, my comedy, I am a precisionist which is why I can be tempermental and fussy about certain things.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Yucky
Greetings and Salutations,
I am doing some videos for youtube and am forced to hear the sound of my voice. In my head I don't sound so bad but when I hear myself in reality, it saddens me and repulses me that I could have such an awful voice.
What bothers me the most is when my voice gets too high and it sounds whiny. Going over my tape, I don't think I sound whiny when I speak but sometimes it does.
And I hate looking at myself. Sometimes I think I look alright and other times I think I look weird.
Blah its moments like this where I wish I was someone else and looked and sounded better!
I am doing some videos for youtube and am forced to hear the sound of my voice. In my head I don't sound so bad but when I hear myself in reality, it saddens me and repulses me that I could have such an awful voice.
What bothers me the most is when my voice gets too high and it sounds whiny. Going over my tape, I don't think I sound whiny when I speak but sometimes it does.
And I hate looking at myself. Sometimes I think I look alright and other times I think I look weird.
Blah its moments like this where I wish I was someone else and looked and sounded better!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Predictable Sundays
Greetings and Salutations,
Every Sunday my brothers come over to visit my parents and we have a family dinner. Now that I've moved out I don't have to stop by every Sunday. I can tell you, however, that even if I am not showing up for the family dinner on Sunday, I can predict exactly what will happen.
I have 3 brothers, Rob, Tony and Louie. Tony and Louie are twins and they have a mental illness, schizoprenia. Rob is the oldest and he is not the smart one in the family.
Here is what typically happens on a Sunday at my parents. My mom will begin cooking the home cooked meal around 2 or 3 pm. My brothers usually show up at around 1.30. Tony generally arrives first and is around by 1.15. He usually goes to pet the family cat Sally, who will hiss at him because she only grew up with Rob, my parents and myself so she fails to recognize that my other brothers are also part of the family. Then Louie will arrive and then they both go out to Tim Horton's to get a coffee together.
When they return they will talk about the various people in their boarding homes and share stories about how dysfunctional the people in their homes behave.
Meanwhile my dad is either watching tv or sleeping on the sofa. Either way he is lying down on the couch.
Now that my parents bought a new computer, my mother will ask me to take a look at the computer or ask me various questions. I am now the family computer expert simply because I know how to use a computer, although I really have little expertise in computers.
I usually read the newspaper from the week or be on the computer and Tony will come right up to me, place his hand on my shoulder and violate my personal space by putting his face about 2 inches from mine. I will tell him to leave me alone. He apologizes but will do the same thing next week. Several times during his visit, Tony will turn on the radio and leave the room. I usually shut it, only to have him come back and turn it on.
At some point in the afternoon, Tony and Louie will wrestle each other standing up in the hallway. I yell to my mother to tell them to stop. My mother tells them in her typical submissive fashion to "please stop you'll ruin the walls".
My other brother Rob arrives around 4 and usually arrives after going to the gym. We eat at 4.30. Louie laughs during dinner for no reason. I ask what's so funny and I can never get a straight answer. I scowl and wonder why I was brought into this family. Rob is quiet and you can sense the tension between Rob and my dad.
Rob will share some useless facts during dinner in order to prove that he is intelligent although it just reinforces the fact that he isn't that bright. He would appear smarter if he didn't try so hard.
After dinner, my brothers all retreat to the basement, where Rob typically watches tv and my other brothers discuss various things and frequently discuss the behaviour of people and how little sense it makes. Louie will remark at some point "This life is a laugh".
So folks, that's basically what happens at my parent's house every Sunday. I could stop going for months and the behaviours I've just described will occur.
Every Sunday my brothers come over to visit my parents and we have a family dinner. Now that I've moved out I don't have to stop by every Sunday. I can tell you, however, that even if I am not showing up for the family dinner on Sunday, I can predict exactly what will happen.
I have 3 brothers, Rob, Tony and Louie. Tony and Louie are twins and they have a mental illness, schizoprenia. Rob is the oldest and he is not the smart one in the family.
Here is what typically happens on a Sunday at my parents. My mom will begin cooking the home cooked meal around 2 or 3 pm. My brothers usually show up at around 1.30. Tony generally arrives first and is around by 1.15. He usually goes to pet the family cat Sally, who will hiss at him because she only grew up with Rob, my parents and myself so she fails to recognize that my other brothers are also part of the family. Then Louie will arrive and then they both go out to Tim Horton's to get a coffee together.
When they return they will talk about the various people in their boarding homes and share stories about how dysfunctional the people in their homes behave.
Meanwhile my dad is either watching tv or sleeping on the sofa. Either way he is lying down on the couch.
Now that my parents bought a new computer, my mother will ask me to take a look at the computer or ask me various questions. I am now the family computer expert simply because I know how to use a computer, although I really have little expertise in computers.
I usually read the newspaper from the week or be on the computer and Tony will come right up to me, place his hand on my shoulder and violate my personal space by putting his face about 2 inches from mine. I will tell him to leave me alone. He apologizes but will do the same thing next week. Several times during his visit, Tony will turn on the radio and leave the room. I usually shut it, only to have him come back and turn it on.
At some point in the afternoon, Tony and Louie will wrestle each other standing up in the hallway. I yell to my mother to tell them to stop. My mother tells them in her typical submissive fashion to "please stop you'll ruin the walls".
My other brother Rob arrives around 4 and usually arrives after going to the gym. We eat at 4.30. Louie laughs during dinner for no reason. I ask what's so funny and I can never get a straight answer. I scowl and wonder why I was brought into this family. Rob is quiet and you can sense the tension between Rob and my dad.
Rob will share some useless facts during dinner in order to prove that he is intelligent although it just reinforces the fact that he isn't that bright. He would appear smarter if he didn't try so hard.
After dinner, my brothers all retreat to the basement, where Rob typically watches tv and my other brothers discuss various things and frequently discuss the behaviour of people and how little sense it makes. Louie will remark at some point "This life is a laugh".
So folks, that's basically what happens at my parent's house every Sunday. I could stop going for months and the behaviours I've just described will occur.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Evil from an Anthroposophical Perspective - Part 5: My Personal Experiences with Evil
I have had some personal experiences with evil. I have always believed that humans need to explore their dark side and not repress it. I believed that in repressing our dark nature, we would be making the situation worse. I felt that embracing it would allow us to gain something useful.
I had undergone trials of evil. I have checked my journal entries and the dates of my trials of evil are February 17, March 28, August 20 2002 and April 14, 2003. During these trials of evil, I experienced pure evil, a pure egoism in my thinking and in my feeling. It did not affect my will. I am not sure exactly what allowed me to have these experiences. I think I wanted to experience pure evil and I believe it was possible the spiritual world felt I was mature enough to handle these trials. I was able to live in it and let it work through me but at the same time it did not take a hold of me. Having this experience was extremely pleasurable. It felt good and made me feel good having this evil run through me.
I would feel this cruelty and coldness. I felt destructiveness and wanted to torture people. During my last experience, I felt a destructive darkness. It made me feel powerful. When I accepted this feeling, it seemed to go away. I began to realize the superficial power of evil.
I believe that if we deny our capacity for evil, we can never be truly human. I feel that in admitting our capacity for error, we become more human.
Another personal experience I had was in the summer of 2004. I went out with someone for a drink. I would spend time chatting, observing the person and observing my surroundings. When I was observing this person, I suddenly felt this wave of evil coming from his eye region. He was not talking about anything negative; it was just a regular conversation. For a couple of weeks, I first began questioning if that was my own evil reflecting back but I got the feeling that it was not and I realized that it was this person’s evil. I do not feel this person is absolute evil. I do not believe that a human can be pure evil. This person may have been 98% good and I accidentally discovered the 2% evil.
I do not look upon this person with hatred or fear. I feel compassionate for this person. I think this person can transform this evil with some inner effort.
References
Movie
The Corporation
Scott Peck
People of the Lie
Rudolf Steiner
The Ahrimanic Deception - lecture
The Apocalypse of St. John - 12 lectures from June 17 – 30 1908
The Concepts of Original Sin and Grace - lecture
The Deed of Christ and the Opposing Spiritual Powers – lecture
Evil – a collection of lectures
How to Know Higher Worlds
The Reappearance of Christ in the Etheric – a collection of lectures
Peter Tradowsky
Christ and Antichrist: Understanding the events at the end of the century and recognizing our task
I had undergone trials of evil. I have checked my journal entries and the dates of my trials of evil are February 17, March 28, August 20 2002 and April 14, 2003. During these trials of evil, I experienced pure evil, a pure egoism in my thinking and in my feeling. It did not affect my will. I am not sure exactly what allowed me to have these experiences. I think I wanted to experience pure evil and I believe it was possible the spiritual world felt I was mature enough to handle these trials. I was able to live in it and let it work through me but at the same time it did not take a hold of me. Having this experience was extremely pleasurable. It felt good and made me feel good having this evil run through me.
I would feel this cruelty and coldness. I felt destructiveness and wanted to torture people. During my last experience, I felt a destructive darkness. It made me feel powerful. When I accepted this feeling, it seemed to go away. I began to realize the superficial power of evil.
I believe that if we deny our capacity for evil, we can never be truly human. I feel that in admitting our capacity for error, we become more human.
Another personal experience I had was in the summer of 2004. I went out with someone for a drink. I would spend time chatting, observing the person and observing my surroundings. When I was observing this person, I suddenly felt this wave of evil coming from his eye region. He was not talking about anything negative; it was just a regular conversation. For a couple of weeks, I first began questioning if that was my own evil reflecting back but I got the feeling that it was not and I realized that it was this person’s evil. I do not feel this person is absolute evil. I do not believe that a human can be pure evil. This person may have been 98% good and I accidentally discovered the 2% evil.
I do not look upon this person with hatred or fear. I feel compassionate for this person. I think this person can transform this evil with some inner effort.
References
Movie
The Corporation
Scott Peck
People of the Lie
Rudolf Steiner
The Ahrimanic Deception - lecture
The Apocalypse of St. John - 12 lectures from June 17 – 30 1908
The Concepts of Original Sin and Grace - lecture
The Deed of Christ and the Opposing Spiritual Powers – lecture
Evil – a collection of lectures
How to Know Higher Worlds
The Reappearance of Christ in the Etheric – a collection of lectures
Peter Tradowsky
Christ and Antichrist: Understanding the events at the end of the century and recognizing our task
Monday, April 28, 2008
Evil from an Anthroposophical Perspective - Part 4: The Transformation of Evil
I believe half the battle in transforming evil lies in becoming aware of it and to be willing to acknowledge its existence. Sometimes evil works subtly and quietly in individuals and in our social, economical, political and educational institutes. It is important to realize that dealing with evil is an ongoing process.
In our movie and story telling culture, one evil being is presented and then is defeated. In reality we have multiple evil beings to deal with. We are continuously working with them and it is not a question of destroying them but how to use them effectively.
In How to Know Higher Worlds, Steiner informs the spiritual student, “In every evil, we must seek out the elements that allow us to transform it into good. We will then see more and more clearly that the best way to combat wickedness and imperfection is to create what is good and whole. We cannot create something out of nothing, but we can transform what is incomplete into something more perfect. The more we strengthen our creative tendencies, the sooner we will find ourselves capable of the right attitude toward whatever is bad and imperfect.” (pg 104).
I believe the solution to evil can be found within itself. We must not view evil as bad. We must look within it to see how we can transform it. We must not run away from it nor seek to destroy it. We must confront the evil within us first and by accepting and transforming our own evil and egoism, we can meet evil around us with the same love and compassion we created for ourselves.
He continues to inform the spiritual student about 2 Guardians. One of our most important spiritual experiences is with the First Guardian of the Threshold. This guardian is an astral entity and it is the collection of all of our past errors and fears. Because it is such a horrible sight, we must have developed enough inner strength to perceive it. This being reveals to us the corrections we must make in life.
Steiner also discusses the Greater Guardian of the Threshold. This meeting involves choosing the black path or the white path.
“You have freed yourself from the world of the sense. You have earned the right of citizenship in the supersensible world. From now on, you may work from there. For yourself, you no longer need your physical bodily nature in its present form. If all you wanted was to acquire the capacity to dwell in the supersensible world, you would never need to return to the world of the senses. Look at me. See how immeasurably I am raised above all that you have already made of yourself up to now. You have reached your present stage of completion by means of faculties that you were able to develop in the sense world while you were still dependent upon it. Now you are entering a time when the powers you liberated must continue to work upon this sense world. Until now, you have worked only to free yourself, but now that you are free, you can help free all your fellow beings in the sense world. Up to now, you have striven as an individual. Now you must join yourself to the whole, so that you may bring with you into the supersensible realm not only yourself, but also all else that exists in the sensible world.
Some day, you will be able to unite with my form, but I myself cannot find perfect blessedness as long as there are others who are still unfortunate! As a single, liberated individual, you could enter the realm of the supersensible today. But then you would have to look down upon those sentient beings who are not yet freed. You would have separated your destiny from theirs. But you are linked together with all sentient beings. All of you had to descend into the world of the senses to draw from it the powers required for a higher world. Were you to separate yourself from your fellow beings, you would misuse the powers you were able to develop only in consort with them. If they had not descended into the sense world, you would not have been able to descend either. Without them, you would lack the powers you need for supersensible existence. You must share with the others the powers that you achieved with them.
Therefore I refuse to admit you to the highest regions of the supersensible world until you have used all your powers for the deliverance of your fellow world and fellow beings. What you have already achieved entitles you to dwell in the lower regions of the supersensible world. But I will stand at the doorway to the higher regions “like the cherubim with the flaming sword before the gates of Paradise.” I will deny you entry as long as you still have powers that you have not put to use in the sense world.
If you do not use your own powers, others will come who will put them to use. Then a high supersensible world will incorporate all the fruits of the sensible realm, but the ground you will stand on will be pulled out from under your feet. The purified world will develop over and beyond you. You will be excluded from it. If this is your choice, then yours is the black path. But those from whom you separate yourself tread the white path.”
It is in this meeting of the Second Guardian that we experience our greatest temptation. The black path is choosing the path where we are only concerned with our inner salvation. On the black path nothing that our egotism desires is denied us. The fruit of this path is the complete satisfaction of egotism.
The white path is choosing the path where we are concerned with liberating all of humanity and ourselves. This includes people who have hurt us or do not understand us or annoy us. Taking the white path does not appeal to our egoism. When we have this meeting with the Greater Guardian and have chosen the white path we will realize that the black path leads us nowhere. It is the white path that allows us to be creative and loving.
The task of confronting evil will enable us to not only to liberate ourselves but also to contribute to the liberating of the human race. We can offer our gifts and talents to the sacrificial altar of humanity.
In our movie and story telling culture, one evil being is presented and then is defeated. In reality we have multiple evil beings to deal with. We are continuously working with them and it is not a question of destroying them but how to use them effectively.
In How to Know Higher Worlds, Steiner informs the spiritual student, “In every evil, we must seek out the elements that allow us to transform it into good. We will then see more and more clearly that the best way to combat wickedness and imperfection is to create what is good and whole. We cannot create something out of nothing, but we can transform what is incomplete into something more perfect. The more we strengthen our creative tendencies, the sooner we will find ourselves capable of the right attitude toward whatever is bad and imperfect.” (pg 104).
I believe the solution to evil can be found within itself. We must not view evil as bad. We must look within it to see how we can transform it. We must not run away from it nor seek to destroy it. We must confront the evil within us first and by accepting and transforming our own evil and egoism, we can meet evil around us with the same love and compassion we created for ourselves.
He continues to inform the spiritual student about 2 Guardians. One of our most important spiritual experiences is with the First Guardian of the Threshold. This guardian is an astral entity and it is the collection of all of our past errors and fears. Because it is such a horrible sight, we must have developed enough inner strength to perceive it. This being reveals to us the corrections we must make in life.
Steiner also discusses the Greater Guardian of the Threshold. This meeting involves choosing the black path or the white path.
“You have freed yourself from the world of the sense. You have earned the right of citizenship in the supersensible world. From now on, you may work from there. For yourself, you no longer need your physical bodily nature in its present form. If all you wanted was to acquire the capacity to dwell in the supersensible world, you would never need to return to the world of the senses. Look at me. See how immeasurably I am raised above all that you have already made of yourself up to now. You have reached your present stage of completion by means of faculties that you were able to develop in the sense world while you were still dependent upon it. Now you are entering a time when the powers you liberated must continue to work upon this sense world. Until now, you have worked only to free yourself, but now that you are free, you can help free all your fellow beings in the sense world. Up to now, you have striven as an individual. Now you must join yourself to the whole, so that you may bring with you into the supersensible realm not only yourself, but also all else that exists in the sensible world.
Some day, you will be able to unite with my form, but I myself cannot find perfect blessedness as long as there are others who are still unfortunate! As a single, liberated individual, you could enter the realm of the supersensible today. But then you would have to look down upon those sentient beings who are not yet freed. You would have separated your destiny from theirs. But you are linked together with all sentient beings. All of you had to descend into the world of the senses to draw from it the powers required for a higher world. Were you to separate yourself from your fellow beings, you would misuse the powers you were able to develop only in consort with them. If they had not descended into the sense world, you would not have been able to descend either. Without them, you would lack the powers you need for supersensible existence. You must share with the others the powers that you achieved with them.
Therefore I refuse to admit you to the highest regions of the supersensible world until you have used all your powers for the deliverance of your fellow world and fellow beings. What you have already achieved entitles you to dwell in the lower regions of the supersensible world. But I will stand at the doorway to the higher regions “like the cherubim with the flaming sword before the gates of Paradise.” I will deny you entry as long as you still have powers that you have not put to use in the sense world.
If you do not use your own powers, others will come who will put them to use. Then a high supersensible world will incorporate all the fruits of the sensible realm, but the ground you will stand on will be pulled out from under your feet. The purified world will develop over and beyond you. You will be excluded from it. If this is your choice, then yours is the black path. But those from whom you separate yourself tread the white path.”
It is in this meeting of the Second Guardian that we experience our greatest temptation. The black path is choosing the path where we are only concerned with our inner salvation. On the black path nothing that our egotism desires is denied us. The fruit of this path is the complete satisfaction of egotism.
The white path is choosing the path where we are concerned with liberating all of humanity and ourselves. This includes people who have hurt us or do not understand us or annoy us. Taking the white path does not appeal to our egoism. When we have this meeting with the Greater Guardian and have chosen the white path we will realize that the black path leads us nowhere. It is the white path that allows us to be creative and loving.
The task of confronting evil will enable us to not only to liberate ourselves but also to contribute to the liberating of the human race. We can offer our gifts and talents to the sacrificial altar of humanity.
Greetings and Salutations,
I booked my tickets to London last Monday. I am leaving on May 23rd in the evening and arrive in London on May 24 at 10 am (Saturday). I wanted to fly out of Spain but it was a bit more so I decided to journey back to London after I've visted France and Spain.
I bought a backpack from the Rick Steeves web site as he is a travel writer and had some traveling gear. I think I'll have fun.
* * *
Well I'm sure I've frighten some people away with my essay about Evil. It is pretty advanced material that I am covering and it is more geared for those who are anthroposophists and I am not too sure how many out are reading my blog!
If you were more familiar with basic anthroposophical concepts, then my essay might be more interesting.
There's only 2 more sections I cover I believe so bear with me.
I booked my tickets to London last Monday. I am leaving on May 23rd in the evening and arrive in London on May 24 at 10 am (Saturday). I wanted to fly out of Spain but it was a bit more so I decided to journey back to London after I've visted France and Spain.
I bought a backpack from the Rick Steeves web site as he is a travel writer and had some traveling gear. I think I'll have fun.
Well I'm sure I've frighten some people away with my essay about Evil. It is pretty advanced material that I am covering and it is more geared for those who are anthroposophists and I am not too sure how many out are reading my blog!
If you were more familiar with basic anthroposophical concepts, then my essay might be more interesting.
There's only 2 more sections I cover I believe so bear with me.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Evil from an Anthroposophical Perspective - Part 3: Evil Spiritual Beings
According to the Anthroposophical perspective, there are several evil beings that humans have to deal with. This was allowed by a divine wisdom for the sake of freedom. It is necessary to know that it was the beings of light, the divine wisdom that allowed these counterforces to work in humans.
The first tempters for humans are known as Luciferic beings and they affected our astral body during the Moon stage, prior to our receiving an I. This is known as Original Sin or The Fall as we had inherited sin from Lucifer and had fallen into sin. The influence of Lucifer is implanted in our astral body. Luciferic beings are retarded or backward Angels.
Another type of evil beings are the Ahrimanic beings. They are retarded or backward Archangels. They influence our etheric body.
If we imagine a threefold cosmic stream, Lucifer would work from the surconscious and Ahriman from the subconscious.
These two beings are usually compared against each other in order to understand them.
Lucifer
Allows people to form hypothesis, build up imaginative pictures, have ideas
Art is an example where this force is vital
Not interested in people
Allows us to soar above our actual circumstances, looking at the world from an aerial perspective
Works in time
Body: Softening, Rejuvenation
Soul: Fantasy, Dreaming,Mysticism
Spirit: Falling Asleep
Illusion: Spirit arises out of matter
Countermeasure: Illness, Suffering, Pain
Ahriman
Down in the dumps lonely spirit who doesn’t readily make his presence known
Responsible for technology
Wants world power, lusts for power, tries to rule over others by using and manipulating their weaknesses
Works in space
Body: Hardening, Calcification
Soul: Pedantry, Philistinism,Materialism
Spirit: Waking Up
Illusion: Forces of physical world permeate soul or physical world is only reality
Countermeasure: Karma
In 8000 BC people were in danger of being too Luciferic. Education was not important as it is today and school was more for scholars. Aim was to reign people’s powers of fantasy. Education today has taken an Ahrimanic direction. Science is excessively ahrimanic for it takes only the physical world into consideration.
Lucifer incarnated around 3000 BC in Asia. Ahriman will incarnate in the West around 2000 - 3000 AD. These beings prepare a long time for their incarnation. The Ahrimanic influence began in the 15th century. Ahriman wants people to believe in material science and not to realize the limitations that it has. The gifts that we have received from science are truths but are not absolute truths. The materialistic science merely presents one side of reality.
Ahriman will also try to stir up the emotions that will make humans go against each other and divide into smaller groups, groups that attack each other. He does this through the intellect because with our intellect we can prove or disprove any argument based on logic. Our intellect has limitations however Ahriman wants us to believe that our intellect is our source of knowledge. For example, by using our intellect and logic, we can prove spiritualism exists and that materialism exists as well.
In The Fall of the Spirits of Darkness, Steiner talks about the spiritual war that lasted from 1841 to 1879. A spiritual fact is that events that occur on earth are prepared first in the spiritual world. Steiner says the mirror image of this war can be found in World War I. The Ahrimanic beings were cast out of the spiritual realm into the physical. When they are in the spiritual world they are more likely to leave humans alone and so their being cast down allows them to influence humans more. This type of battle has occurred numerous times over various issues.
Ahriman’s field of activity is in our thinking and will impulses. They thrive under our prejudices, ignorance of reality and our fear of spirit. Ahriman basically wants people to deny the reality of the spiritual world and so he works through us in our thinking by making us only believe in the physical world. It is a law of the universe that what science observes is only the past. It is the spiritual world that points to the future. By only observing the past, Ahrimanic beings essentially are denying us our creativity, hope and the ability to find solutions to problems.
Another evil being is known as the Asuras. They are retarded Archai. The Asuras tear out fragments of the I and consciousness soul and bind them with the earth. The fragments they take are lost forever. At this point there is no countermeasure for the lost I fragments. The Asuras also deceive humans into thinking their I is merely a product of the physical world. They want people to live completely in the physical world and to be oblivious to the reality of spiritual beings. They want us to believe that we are merely sophisticated animals and have descended from them. Our morals are only channeled animal impulses. The Asuras will lead humans to live like animals and to only have interest In animalistic type passions and impulses.
One important evil being is called Sorath who is also known as the Antichrist, Sun-Demon or Two-horned Beast. Sorath is directly opposed to the Christ principle. Humans cannot be the adversary of Christ, they can only let the opportunity slip away.
Christ made his appearance in the etheric body of the world between 1930 and 1940. Christ is a being that allows the individuals to lift themselves into the spiritual world so that we are not lost to materialism. Christ has performed many sacrifices for humans enabling us to become more selfless. For example he has worked on our sense organs to make them selfless and concerned with the whole. (See Four Sacrifices of Christ lecture)
Christ brought humanity karma and allowed us to fix the errors we commit. If one chooses to have Christ work within them, this power redeems himself and the Luciferic beings. (See: The Deed of Christ and the Opposing Spiritual Powers)
I believe that all 4 beings can be redeemed when we allow the Christ to work within us.
Sorath is generally not concerned with the earthly realm. He only becomes interested in earth when it becomes possible for him to gain rulership. This occurs in specific conditions, namely when Christ descends to Earth. He wants to lead people into evil and to sink into the abyss. He is the tempter to Black Magic, which is the misuse of spiritual forces for purely egotistical purposes.
Steiner did not live on earth to experience the second appearance of Christ, however other Anthroposophical writers believe that Sorath made his appearance during World War II.
According to Peter Tradowsky who wrote Christ and Antichrist, Hitler was possessed by Sorath. Sorath wants to make himself God and he typically does so by pretending to be the Christ. Tradowsky has done some historical research on Hitler and here are some interesting findings:
Hitler was quoted to say “The work begun by Christ, I will bring to a conclusion.”
During a 1932 election campaign, he used an airplane and flew over Germany creating a Messianic image.
During WWI one of Hitler’s generals did not think he would make a good leader and he seemed quite aloof. Hitler did end up becoming a charismatic leader and had the power to eliminate or paralyze the thinking capacity of others through his eyes. Sorath makes use of both Ahriman and Lucifer. An example of this can be seen in Hitler’s style of speech, which is a mixture of fanaticism and reasonableness.
Other major world events that occurred in the 1930s include The Great Depression from 1929 to 1933. The Great Purge in Russia that involved Joseph Stalin was from 1929 to 1939. World War II was from 1939 to 1945. It is possible that all 4 beings worked together and created conditions that would make it difficult for people to experience the Second Coming of Christ. I believe that attacking humans economically first would make it easier for humans to be influenced politically.
In Apocalypse of St. John, Steiner informs the reader about the War of All against All. We are currently in 5th epoch, in the 5th cultural epoch. This war is set to occur in the 7th cultural epoch, which will occur in approximately 4000 years. The ego has a dual nature. It gives man independence and freedom and also self-centeredness. The ego needs to be independent and free so that out of its own inner volition, it chooses to offer love to God and others. If the ego does not discover love, it hardens within itself and enters the abyss. Because we have been given I-consciousness, we can rise to the highest of ideals or sink to the lowest. This war will involve those who have taken the Christ impulse, the impulse of love against those who have chosen not to, the Sorath impulse. The foundation of this war is the increase of egoism, of the desire to only serve oneself. It will become evident that humanity has split itself into 2 races, the evil and the good. Those who do not take up this impulse will be rescued after this War by the good stream.
This type of war will repeat itself throughout our earthly evolution.
When I mention this concept of evil beings to people, many people believe that in saying there is a devil or evil being is an excuse for immoral behaviour. In my research into these 4 adversarial beings, I never got the impression that they were responsible for the errors and evils humans commit. I think humans are responsible for how they relate to these beings. We are all influenced in ways we may not realize and I believe if we allow these beings to influence us in a negative way, it is our fault. These adversarial forces were introduced by the good cosmic stream so that we can choose between good and evil and act in freedom.
I have no direct experience of these 4 beings, Lucifer, Ahriman, Asuras and Sorath. I still struggle with trying to see how they work in our world. I would like to have a direct experience, as merely understanding them theoretically is not enough. I think the concept of adversarial forces working in the world is challenging for people of today to understand.
The first tempters for humans are known as Luciferic beings and they affected our astral body during the Moon stage, prior to our receiving an I. This is known as Original Sin or The Fall as we had inherited sin from Lucifer and had fallen into sin. The influence of Lucifer is implanted in our astral body. Luciferic beings are retarded or backward Angels.
Another type of evil beings are the Ahrimanic beings. They are retarded or backward Archangels. They influence our etheric body.
If we imagine a threefold cosmic stream, Lucifer would work from the surconscious and Ahriman from the subconscious.
These two beings are usually compared against each other in order to understand them.
Lucifer
Allows people to form hypothesis, build up imaginative pictures, have ideas
Art is an example where this force is vital
Not interested in people
Allows us to soar above our actual circumstances, looking at the world from an aerial perspective
Works in time
Body: Softening, Rejuvenation
Soul: Fantasy, Dreaming,Mysticism
Spirit: Falling Asleep
Illusion: Spirit arises out of matter
Countermeasure: Illness, Suffering, Pain
Ahriman
Down in the dumps lonely spirit who doesn’t readily make his presence known
Responsible for technology
Wants world power, lusts for power, tries to rule over others by using and manipulating their weaknesses
Works in space
Body: Hardening, Calcification
Soul: Pedantry, Philistinism,Materialism
Spirit: Waking Up
Illusion: Forces of physical world permeate soul or physical world is only reality
Countermeasure: Karma
In 8000 BC people were in danger of being too Luciferic. Education was not important as it is today and school was more for scholars. Aim was to reign people’s powers of fantasy. Education today has taken an Ahrimanic direction. Science is excessively ahrimanic for it takes only the physical world into consideration.
Lucifer incarnated around 3000 BC in Asia. Ahriman will incarnate in the West around 2000 - 3000 AD. These beings prepare a long time for their incarnation. The Ahrimanic influence began in the 15th century. Ahriman wants people to believe in material science and not to realize the limitations that it has. The gifts that we have received from science are truths but are not absolute truths. The materialistic science merely presents one side of reality.
Ahriman will also try to stir up the emotions that will make humans go against each other and divide into smaller groups, groups that attack each other. He does this through the intellect because with our intellect we can prove or disprove any argument based on logic. Our intellect has limitations however Ahriman wants us to believe that our intellect is our source of knowledge. For example, by using our intellect and logic, we can prove spiritualism exists and that materialism exists as well.
In The Fall of the Spirits of Darkness, Steiner talks about the spiritual war that lasted from 1841 to 1879. A spiritual fact is that events that occur on earth are prepared first in the spiritual world. Steiner says the mirror image of this war can be found in World War I. The Ahrimanic beings were cast out of the spiritual realm into the physical. When they are in the spiritual world they are more likely to leave humans alone and so their being cast down allows them to influence humans more. This type of battle has occurred numerous times over various issues.
Ahriman’s field of activity is in our thinking and will impulses. They thrive under our prejudices, ignorance of reality and our fear of spirit. Ahriman basically wants people to deny the reality of the spiritual world and so he works through us in our thinking by making us only believe in the physical world. It is a law of the universe that what science observes is only the past. It is the spiritual world that points to the future. By only observing the past, Ahrimanic beings essentially are denying us our creativity, hope and the ability to find solutions to problems.
Another evil being is known as the Asuras. They are retarded Archai. The Asuras tear out fragments of the I and consciousness soul and bind them with the earth. The fragments they take are lost forever. At this point there is no countermeasure for the lost I fragments. The Asuras also deceive humans into thinking their I is merely a product of the physical world. They want people to live completely in the physical world and to be oblivious to the reality of spiritual beings. They want us to believe that we are merely sophisticated animals and have descended from them. Our morals are only channeled animal impulses. The Asuras will lead humans to live like animals and to only have interest In animalistic type passions and impulses.
One important evil being is called Sorath who is also known as the Antichrist, Sun-Demon or Two-horned Beast. Sorath is directly opposed to the Christ principle. Humans cannot be the adversary of Christ, they can only let the opportunity slip away.
Christ made his appearance in the etheric body of the world between 1930 and 1940. Christ is a being that allows the individuals to lift themselves into the spiritual world so that we are not lost to materialism. Christ has performed many sacrifices for humans enabling us to become more selfless. For example he has worked on our sense organs to make them selfless and concerned with the whole. (See Four Sacrifices of Christ lecture)
Christ brought humanity karma and allowed us to fix the errors we commit. If one chooses to have Christ work within them, this power redeems himself and the Luciferic beings. (See: The Deed of Christ and the Opposing Spiritual Powers)
I believe that all 4 beings can be redeemed when we allow the Christ to work within us.
Sorath is generally not concerned with the earthly realm. He only becomes interested in earth when it becomes possible for him to gain rulership. This occurs in specific conditions, namely when Christ descends to Earth. He wants to lead people into evil and to sink into the abyss. He is the tempter to Black Magic, which is the misuse of spiritual forces for purely egotistical purposes.
Steiner did not live on earth to experience the second appearance of Christ, however other Anthroposophical writers believe that Sorath made his appearance during World War II.
According to Peter Tradowsky who wrote Christ and Antichrist, Hitler was possessed by Sorath. Sorath wants to make himself God and he typically does so by pretending to be the Christ. Tradowsky has done some historical research on Hitler and here are some interesting findings:
Hitler was quoted to say “The work begun by Christ, I will bring to a conclusion.”
During a 1932 election campaign, he used an airplane and flew over Germany creating a Messianic image.
During WWI one of Hitler’s generals did not think he would make a good leader and he seemed quite aloof. Hitler did end up becoming a charismatic leader and had the power to eliminate or paralyze the thinking capacity of others through his eyes. Sorath makes use of both Ahriman and Lucifer. An example of this can be seen in Hitler’s style of speech, which is a mixture of fanaticism and reasonableness.
Other major world events that occurred in the 1930s include The Great Depression from 1929 to 1933. The Great Purge in Russia that involved Joseph Stalin was from 1929 to 1939. World War II was from 1939 to 1945. It is possible that all 4 beings worked together and created conditions that would make it difficult for people to experience the Second Coming of Christ. I believe that attacking humans economically first would make it easier for humans to be influenced politically.
In Apocalypse of St. John, Steiner informs the reader about the War of All against All. We are currently in 5th epoch, in the 5th cultural epoch. This war is set to occur in the 7th cultural epoch, which will occur in approximately 4000 years. The ego has a dual nature. It gives man independence and freedom and also self-centeredness. The ego needs to be independent and free so that out of its own inner volition, it chooses to offer love to God and others. If the ego does not discover love, it hardens within itself and enters the abyss. Because we have been given I-consciousness, we can rise to the highest of ideals or sink to the lowest. This war will involve those who have taken the Christ impulse, the impulse of love against those who have chosen not to, the Sorath impulse. The foundation of this war is the increase of egoism, of the desire to only serve oneself. It will become evident that humanity has split itself into 2 races, the evil and the good. Those who do not take up this impulse will be rescued after this War by the good stream.
This type of war will repeat itself throughout our earthly evolution.
When I mention this concept of evil beings to people, many people believe that in saying there is a devil or evil being is an excuse for immoral behaviour. In my research into these 4 adversarial beings, I never got the impression that they were responsible for the errors and evils humans commit. I think humans are responsible for how they relate to these beings. We are all influenced in ways we may not realize and I believe if we allow these beings to influence us in a negative way, it is our fault. These adversarial forces were introduced by the good cosmic stream so that we can choose between good and evil and act in freedom.
I have no direct experience of these 4 beings, Lucifer, Ahriman, Asuras and Sorath. I still struggle with trying to see how they work in our world. I would like to have a direct experience, as merely understanding them theoretically is not enough. I think the concept of adversarial forces working in the world is challenging for people of today to understand.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Evil from an Anthroposophical Perspective - Part 2: Some Insights on the Nature of Evil
Evil manifests itself in an individual and can manifest itself in groups and institutions. Evil that is manifested in groups is known as collective evil. Examples of Group evil can arise in a social group of friends (say of 5 people), the army, schools and the media.
Typically when evil arises in a group, it ends up becoming its own entity and taking a life of its own. The group manifests something that is not of them but is a result of their working together. One movie that illustrates the nature of group evil can be found in The Corporation, which is a documentary that shows how the majority of corporations running today possess sociopathic tendencies because they only care about pleasing the shareholders and making a profit. They do not care about laying people off and that they are destructive to the environment. Corporations become like narcisstic children who can only think of their own interests when they choose to think of only their only needs.
In these types of situations, no one person is to blame, due to specialization. Specialization has allowed for evil to flourish as it allows people to pass responsibility onto another department.
Evil grows because it seeks an environment that is receptive to it. Group evil flourishes when individuals stop thinking for themselves and submit themselves to the will of the group. The group as a result takes on a mind of its own and it allows people to do things they normally would not do on their own.
Typically when evil arises in a group, it ends up becoming its own entity and taking a life of its own. The group manifests something that is not of them but is a result of their working together. One movie that illustrates the nature of group evil can be found in The Corporation, which is a documentary that shows how the majority of corporations running today possess sociopathic tendencies because they only care about pleasing the shareholders and making a profit. They do not care about laying people off and that they are destructive to the environment. Corporations become like narcisstic children who can only think of their own interests when they choose to think of only their only needs.
In these types of situations, no one person is to blame, due to specialization. Specialization has allowed for evil to flourish as it allows people to pass responsibility onto another department.
Evil grows because it seeks an environment that is receptive to it. Group evil flourishes when individuals stop thinking for themselves and submit themselves to the will of the group. The group as a result takes on a mind of its own and it allows people to do things they normally would not do on their own.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Becoming an Anthroposophist: a brief explanation of my journey
My study group has read many anthroposophical books by Rudolf Steiner. One we read a while ago a book called Anthroposophical Leading Thoughts. This book basically is a series of letters Steiner writes for those in the Anthroposophical Society and for more advanced students. My favourite part of the book was the first paragraph as I feel for me, it states to me what anthroposophy means to me. I'll include the paragraph below.
"Anthroposophy is a path of knowledge, to guide the Spiritual in the human being to the Spiritual in the universe. It arises in man as a need of the heart, of the life of feeling; and it can be justified only inasmuch as it can satisfy this inner need. He alone can acknowledge Anthroposophy, who finds in it what he himself in his own inner life feels impelled to seek. Hence only they can be anthroposophists who feel certain questions on the nature of man and the universe as an elemental need of life, just as one feels hunger and thirst."
I'm sure this quote may be misinterpreted but to me this quote really summarizes what draws me to anthroposophy. I felt a great need for spiritual ideas early in my life. By the time I was 20, I was dying spiritually inside. I was experiencing an existential crisis. I was introduced to anthroposphy by my first boyfriend, who actually denied to several people that I was even his girlfriend. My first love, who also tormented my soul, led me to one man's body of work who had such a huge influence in my life. His father was a reader of Steiner and my boyfriend suggested that I look into it. I took out 3 books from the public library and the first 2 books I read of his, I thought were completely stupid and I did not get it. It wasn't until I read the third book, Theosophy, that I understood and enjoyed what he was writing about.
I started reading Steiner around July 1999. I finished my first year of university that year and was quite lost internally. I was working at Stelco (a steel factory) for the summer and I would read Steiner during my shift as I was a tester and there was about 15 minutes in between tests. Some of his ideas may be perceived as unusual but when I read him, I understand many of his ideas and I 'intuitively' understood them. I don't understand how I could understand these ideas but they just made sense to me. I've always questioned why I had this compulsion to read his work. In my early 20s I yearned to just be normal like everyone else my age. I just wanted to be getting drunk every weekend and having mindless sex. I didn't want to be so concerned about life and the deeper questions of life. Why couldn't I be shallow and mindless?
My study group is comprised of people over 40. The only other young person there who is around my age moved out of town a few years ago although he does join us for social activities like when we have a dinner or potluck. I think he has the same experience in reading as I do, in that he intuitively understands the content.
I feel unique because of my intense need for spirituality and I certainly do not want to believe that I am the only one who feels this intense need. It was nice to have him around as it's nice to talk to someone in your age group.
I've looked into other spiritual philosophies and religious ideas but I always find myself finding deep spiritual nourishment in anthroposophy.
Spiritual hunger.
Where does it come from?
I've met some people who I thought were nice people but they didn't believe in a spiritual world. While the people may be kind and compassionate, I just don't understand how such evolved people could deny this. While I myself have questioned the existence of a spiritual world, as any seeker would, I really believe that the material world as we see it, is just one part of reality.
In my study group, we have had discussions about how anthroposophy is a need of one's heart. I can't force someone to study it because it has to be something that comes from within you. We all have needs in our hearts and we can't force our personal agendas onto people's hearts.
"Anthroposophy is a path of knowledge, to guide the Spiritual in the human being to the Spiritual in the universe. It arises in man as a need of the heart, of the life of feeling; and it can be justified only inasmuch as it can satisfy this inner need. He alone can acknowledge Anthroposophy, who finds in it what he himself in his own inner life feels impelled to seek. Hence only they can be anthroposophists who feel certain questions on the nature of man and the universe as an elemental need of life, just as one feels hunger and thirst."
I'm sure this quote may be misinterpreted but to me this quote really summarizes what draws me to anthroposophy. I felt a great need for spiritual ideas early in my life. By the time I was 20, I was dying spiritually inside. I was experiencing an existential crisis. I was introduced to anthroposphy by my first boyfriend, who actually denied to several people that I was even his girlfriend. My first love, who also tormented my soul, led me to one man's body of work who had such a huge influence in my life. His father was a reader of Steiner and my boyfriend suggested that I look into it. I took out 3 books from the public library and the first 2 books I read of his, I thought were completely stupid and I did not get it. It wasn't until I read the third book, Theosophy, that I understood and enjoyed what he was writing about.
I started reading Steiner around July 1999. I finished my first year of university that year and was quite lost internally. I was working at Stelco (a steel factory) for the summer and I would read Steiner during my shift as I was a tester and there was about 15 minutes in between tests. Some of his ideas may be perceived as unusual but when I read him, I understand many of his ideas and I 'intuitively' understood them. I don't understand how I could understand these ideas but they just made sense to me. I've always questioned why I had this compulsion to read his work. In my early 20s I yearned to just be normal like everyone else my age. I just wanted to be getting drunk every weekend and having mindless sex. I didn't want to be so concerned about life and the deeper questions of life. Why couldn't I be shallow and mindless?
My study group is comprised of people over 40. The only other young person there who is around my age moved out of town a few years ago although he does join us for social activities like when we have a dinner or potluck. I think he has the same experience in reading as I do, in that he intuitively understands the content.
I feel unique because of my intense need for spirituality and I certainly do not want to believe that I am the only one who feels this intense need. It was nice to have him around as it's nice to talk to someone in your age group.
I've looked into other spiritual philosophies and religious ideas but I always find myself finding deep spiritual nourishment in anthroposophy.
Spiritual hunger.
Where does it come from?
I've met some people who I thought were nice people but they didn't believe in a spiritual world. While the people may be kind and compassionate, I just don't understand how such evolved people could deny this. While I myself have questioned the existence of a spiritual world, as any seeker would, I really believe that the material world as we see it, is just one part of reality.
In my study group, we have had discussions about how anthroposophy is a need of one's heart. I can't force someone to study it because it has to be something that comes from within you. We all have needs in our hearts and we can't force our personal agendas onto people's hearts.
A Steiner quote
"People go through the world with far more hatred than they think - far more antipathy at least. It is a fact of life: hatred gives satisfaction to the soul, and for this reason, as a rule, it is not at first experienced in consciousness. It is eclipsed by the satisfaction it gives."
Rudolf Steiner Karmic Relationships Volume 1
Rudolf Steiner Karmic Relationships Volume 1
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Evil from an Anthroposophical Perspective - Part 1: The Origins of Evil
Greetings all,
I have decided to publish my essay that I wrote back in 2005 when I took the Foundation Studies course at the Rudolf Steiner Centre.
I decided to research Steiner's works on Evil as I find evil a fascinating topic because if one truly wants to live ethically and morally in this life, we must face evil with courage and we must examine it deeply to understand its true nature.
My entire essay is 11 pages so I will break it down in several pieces. Steiner's philosophy is based on his experiences of being able to perceive spiritual realities and that includes things such as angels or the dead. You may not believe in these things but please read and be open to the possibility. This can be an exercise to train one's thinking.
Enjoy!
The Origins of Evil
Evil has always been an important spiritual and philosophical topic for humans. I will briefly introduce some views on how people try to make sense of evil and its origin.
I will begin with the view of evil by the Stoics, a group of 4th and 3rd century B.C. of Greek philosophers who base their views on the teachings of Socrates and Plato. They tried to figure how one should live in the world and the came up with the Ideal concept of the Wise Man, one who has managed to conquer their emotions and passions. They believed that the ego needed clarity in the world but was clouded by their emotions and passions and so it was necessary to overcome this. They also believed that humans were free to choose this Ideal. They could choose to descend into a lower realm where they would let their emotions and passions run freely.
Saint Augustine believed that evil and wrongdoing did not exist but were negations or absence of good. He believed finite beings had weaknesses and could not continually do good deeds. As a result of this failure, good is limited and whatever is remaining, i.e. the shadow side is simply the absence of good. This view is simplistic because it is like saying coldness is simply the absence of warmth.
A common view on the origin of evil is that because humans live in matter, this creates a hindrance for the human spirit. The source of evil is the immersion of spirit in matter. Neo-Platonist, Plotinus, believed this.
Japanese philosopher Nakae Toju who lived in 17th century had a similar view. He saw the world as duality. Ri, was a realm of spirit and Ki was a realm of physical nature. Humans have both aspects and due to the combination of these two realms, human will and desires emerges. This creates the potential for evil.
Jacob Boehme believed that in order to become self aware, divine beings needed to encounter opposition. For example, when we wake up in the morning we become aware of ourselves by encountering objects in the physical world. He believes other beings cannot give us this opposition and that we have to be our own adversary and set boundaries within ourselves by creating this opposite.
Herman Lotze was a 19th century philosopher. For Lotze, the reality of evil in ourselves and in the world could not be denied. He believed that evil represents a threshold to our powers of perception. He rejected Leibniz’s idea that although much evil exists, this was the best possible world. Lotze argued that we could not claim God to be omnipotent if we attribute evil and wrong doing to a divine source and by doing so we would limit God’s omnipotence. Lotze’s conclusion was that the existence of good and evil must be due to a divine wisdom that we cannot fathom and which we are not capable of perceiving. He transfers our understanding of evil and wrong into an unknown and inaccessible world of wisdom.
For Steiner, the basic characteristic of the evil emanating from humans is egotism (selfishness). From the smallest oversight to the most horrible of crimes, egotism is the fundamental trait. We cannot seek the origin of evil in actions and deeds but must look upon the underlying tendencies.
There is a paradox that arises. When one prepares to enter the spiritual worlds, the forces that lead to egotism must be strengthened. If we only lived in the spirit world, we would only be able to develop inner capacities. It is only in the physical world where we develop morality and altruism. In the physical world we find the conditions to overcome this egotism. Our soul appears as a duality of spirit and matter. When it is the spiritual world, it must focus on itself and develop its inner strength and capacities whereas on earth it must learn to grow out of and beyond itself and unfold the capacities it developed in the spiritual world, so that it can be of significance and worth for the world.
For us this means that we must not transfer something that belongs in one world to another. Essentially everything has its place in the world and evil can arise when we take it out from where it belongs. Something good can become evil if it is being misapplied.
Another paradox is that when ascending into the spiritual world, we must penetrate it without egotism yet we must penetrate it with egotism.
The origin of evil is our higher nature. We have a potential for evil because we are spiritual beings.
Qualities such as cruelty and malice in the physical world, if withdrawn and applied to the spiritual world can become qualities that advance and perfect us.
It is our egotism that is responsible for how we apply these qualities. We can use them for productive and helpful reasons or for more destructive purposes, depending on how much egotism lives in us.
It is for this reason that philosophers like Lotze believe that our understanding of evil is inaccessible. His perceptual faculties are not prepared to perceive the spiritual world and evil cannot be explained in physical terms since is it a misuse of forces that are of the spiritual world. Any philosopher who disregards the world of spirit is unable to trace the origin of evil.
I have decided to publish my essay that I wrote back in 2005 when I took the Foundation Studies course at the Rudolf Steiner Centre.
I decided to research Steiner's works on Evil as I find evil a fascinating topic because if one truly wants to live ethically and morally in this life, we must face evil with courage and we must examine it deeply to understand its true nature.
My entire essay is 11 pages so I will break it down in several pieces. Steiner's philosophy is based on his experiences of being able to perceive spiritual realities and that includes things such as angels or the dead. You may not believe in these things but please read and be open to the possibility. This can be an exercise to train one's thinking.
Enjoy!
The Origins of Evil
Evil has always been an important spiritual and philosophical topic for humans. I will briefly introduce some views on how people try to make sense of evil and its origin.
I will begin with the view of evil by the Stoics, a group of 4th and 3rd century B.C. of Greek philosophers who base their views on the teachings of Socrates and Plato. They tried to figure how one should live in the world and the came up with the Ideal concept of the Wise Man, one who has managed to conquer their emotions and passions. They believed that the ego needed clarity in the world but was clouded by their emotions and passions and so it was necessary to overcome this. They also believed that humans were free to choose this Ideal. They could choose to descend into a lower realm where they would let their emotions and passions run freely.
Saint Augustine believed that evil and wrongdoing did not exist but were negations or absence of good. He believed finite beings had weaknesses and could not continually do good deeds. As a result of this failure, good is limited and whatever is remaining, i.e. the shadow side is simply the absence of good. This view is simplistic because it is like saying coldness is simply the absence of warmth.
A common view on the origin of evil is that because humans live in matter, this creates a hindrance for the human spirit. The source of evil is the immersion of spirit in matter. Neo-Platonist, Plotinus, believed this.
Japanese philosopher Nakae Toju who lived in 17th century had a similar view. He saw the world as duality. Ri, was a realm of spirit and Ki was a realm of physical nature. Humans have both aspects and due to the combination of these two realms, human will and desires emerges. This creates the potential for evil.
Jacob Boehme believed that in order to become self aware, divine beings needed to encounter opposition. For example, when we wake up in the morning we become aware of ourselves by encountering objects in the physical world. He believes other beings cannot give us this opposition and that we have to be our own adversary and set boundaries within ourselves by creating this opposite.
Herman Lotze was a 19th century philosopher. For Lotze, the reality of evil in ourselves and in the world could not be denied. He believed that evil represents a threshold to our powers of perception. He rejected Leibniz’s idea that although much evil exists, this was the best possible world. Lotze argued that we could not claim God to be omnipotent if we attribute evil and wrong doing to a divine source and by doing so we would limit God’s omnipotence. Lotze’s conclusion was that the existence of good and evil must be due to a divine wisdom that we cannot fathom and which we are not capable of perceiving. He transfers our understanding of evil and wrong into an unknown and inaccessible world of wisdom.
For Steiner, the basic characteristic of the evil emanating from humans is egotism (selfishness). From the smallest oversight to the most horrible of crimes, egotism is the fundamental trait. We cannot seek the origin of evil in actions and deeds but must look upon the underlying tendencies.
There is a paradox that arises. When one prepares to enter the spiritual worlds, the forces that lead to egotism must be strengthened. If we only lived in the spirit world, we would only be able to develop inner capacities. It is only in the physical world where we develop morality and altruism. In the physical world we find the conditions to overcome this egotism. Our soul appears as a duality of spirit and matter. When it is the spiritual world, it must focus on itself and develop its inner strength and capacities whereas on earth it must learn to grow out of and beyond itself and unfold the capacities it developed in the spiritual world, so that it can be of significance and worth for the world.
For us this means that we must not transfer something that belongs in one world to another. Essentially everything has its place in the world and evil can arise when we take it out from where it belongs. Something good can become evil if it is being misapplied.
Another paradox is that when ascending into the spiritual world, we must penetrate it without egotism yet we must penetrate it with egotism.
The origin of evil is our higher nature. We have a potential for evil because we are spiritual beings.
Qualities such as cruelty and malice in the physical world, if withdrawn and applied to the spiritual world can become qualities that advance and perfect us.
It is our egotism that is responsible for how we apply these qualities. We can use them for productive and helpful reasons or for more destructive purposes, depending on how much egotism lives in us.
It is for this reason that philosophers like Lotze believe that our understanding of evil is inaccessible. His perceptual faculties are not prepared to perceive the spiritual world and evil cannot be explained in physical terms since is it a misuse of forces that are of the spiritual world. Any philosopher who disregards the world of spirit is unable to trace the origin of evil.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Viva la France!
Greetings and salutations,
I am officially going to England, France and Spain on May 23 or 24. I booked 2 weeks off work. I haven't booked the flight yet but will wait last minute. I am hoping to leave on Friday night so that I can arrive Saturday morning. I will be backpacking across the 3 countries. I will start out in England and leave from Spain. I want to see Stonehedge and visit London. In France, I want to see crypts and catacombs and I think I'll spend lots of time in Paris getting cultured. I also want to check out Normandy. In Spain, I don't have anything that I feel I need to see. I do want to go Barcelona and Madrid.
I have this feeling that I'll probably enjoy being in Paris. I am more interested in experiencing the different culture and atmosphere of these countries.
I think I will also try and get some International Dick as well. As much as I've enjoyed being pleasured by the Canadian stock, it is time to get some international lovin' and to show other nations how wonderful Canadian women are.
I'm also no longer with my English Muffin so my goal now is to bed a man in each country I visit. In theory I can do this, however, since I am super picky, I may have a hard time finding someone who I would be willing to bed.
I'm happy that I get to travel. Going away last year made me realize how much I've denied myself the pleasure of travel and so now I plan to see more of the world.
* * *
I had mentioned that I am no longer with my English Muffin and unfortunately it did not work out for reasons I shall not disclose at this time. Although technically he was not my official boyfriend, we were still allowed to see other people since we never actually met. I did go on a couple of dates with a couple of guys but it didn't work out so now I am back to searching full-time for a new boyfriend.
I'm not really worried because I'm sure I'll find someone whom I can settle down with. I'm surprised I haven't been snatched up because I really think I am a great catch. I'm easy to get along with and am smart, funny and nice. It is true that I am a bit of an eccentric, but that's what makes me more interesting.
* * *
I found out one of my plants has mealy bugs. It looked like there was this white fungus on it and I did see some insects but apparently they secret this honeydew and now my plant seems to be dying. I bought some spray and sprayed the plant last night. The bugs are on the underside of the leaf so it'll be a bit more difficult to get to it. I am hoping I can save it because it is turning brown on some leaves.
I only have 3 other plants but they are spread out in my apartment so they probably won't get infected. The plant only cost me $13 but I want to try to save it. I think it is possible since some leaves still look decent.
Evil mealy bugs, you have met your match!
I am officially going to England, France and Spain on May 23 or 24. I booked 2 weeks off work. I haven't booked the flight yet but will wait last minute. I am hoping to leave on Friday night so that I can arrive Saturday morning. I will be backpacking across the 3 countries. I will start out in England and leave from Spain. I want to see Stonehedge and visit London. In France, I want to see crypts and catacombs and I think I'll spend lots of time in Paris getting cultured. I also want to check out Normandy. In Spain, I don't have anything that I feel I need to see. I do want to go Barcelona and Madrid.
I have this feeling that I'll probably enjoy being in Paris. I am more interested in experiencing the different culture and atmosphere of these countries.
I think I will also try and get some International Dick as well. As much as I've enjoyed being pleasured by the Canadian stock, it is time to get some international lovin' and to show other nations how wonderful Canadian women are.
I'm also no longer with my English Muffin so my goal now is to bed a man in each country I visit. In theory I can do this, however, since I am super picky, I may have a hard time finding someone who I would be willing to bed.
I'm happy that I get to travel. Going away last year made me realize how much I've denied myself the pleasure of travel and so now I plan to see more of the world.
I had mentioned that I am no longer with my English Muffin and unfortunately it did not work out for reasons I shall not disclose at this time. Although technically he was not my official boyfriend, we were still allowed to see other people since we never actually met. I did go on a couple of dates with a couple of guys but it didn't work out so now I am back to searching full-time for a new boyfriend.
I'm not really worried because I'm sure I'll find someone whom I can settle down with. I'm surprised I haven't been snatched up because I really think I am a great catch. I'm easy to get along with and am smart, funny and nice. It is true that I am a bit of an eccentric, but that's what makes me more interesting.
I found out one of my plants has mealy bugs. It looked like there was this white fungus on it and I did see some insects but apparently they secret this honeydew and now my plant seems to be dying. I bought some spray and sprayed the plant last night. The bugs are on the underside of the leaf so it'll be a bit more difficult to get to it. I am hoping I can save it because it is turning brown on some leaves.
I only have 3 other plants but they are spread out in my apartment so they probably won't get infected. The plant only cost me $13 but I want to try to save it. I think it is possible since some leaves still look decent.
Evil mealy bugs, you have met your match!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Intuition
Greetings and Salutations,
Today I had a really intuitive/psychic moment. I have been buying the Tim Horton's medium hot chocolate lately so that I can play their Roll Up the Rim to win game (which I haven't won yet and I am rather bitter about). Normally they cost $1.23 but today when I was originally thinking about just bringing to Tim's (I work in the mall and they have a Tim's) the $1.23 in change, but after some thought, I decided that maybe I should bring my wallet because I had this odd feeling that the price went up.
So when I went down to get my medium hot chocolate, the price actually did go up 5 cents and cost me $1.28.
I didn't win at the Roll up the Rim contest but I was happy that I had this intuitive moment.
I sometimes have trouble listening to my intuition because sometimes my emotions get the better of me. Whether it is my fear or anger or my doubting things, I'll sometimes just not grasp the various intuitions I get.
I admit that I don't listen to things when I should be.
I don't know if it's because I don't trust myself sometimes but I do try and listen to it. Sadly there are many things that get in the way of me hearing things clearly but I do work on keeping my intuitive channel clear through my meditation and qigong practice.
Today I had a really intuitive/psychic moment. I have been buying the Tim Horton's medium hot chocolate lately so that I can play their Roll Up the Rim to win game (which I haven't won yet and I am rather bitter about). Normally they cost $1.23 but today when I was originally thinking about just bringing to Tim's (I work in the mall and they have a Tim's) the $1.23 in change, but after some thought, I decided that maybe I should bring my wallet because I had this odd feeling that the price went up.
So when I went down to get my medium hot chocolate, the price actually did go up 5 cents and cost me $1.28.
I didn't win at the Roll up the Rim contest but I was happy that I had this intuitive moment.
I sometimes have trouble listening to my intuition because sometimes my emotions get the better of me. Whether it is my fear or anger or my doubting things, I'll sometimes just not grasp the various intuitions I get.
I admit that I don't listen to things when I should be.
I don't know if it's because I don't trust myself sometimes but I do try and listen to it. Sadly there are many things that get in the way of me hearing things clearly but I do work on keeping my intuitive channel clear through my meditation and qigong practice.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
I'm Busy
Greetings and Salutations,
One of the common expressions that I loathe to hear from people is the expression "I'm busy" or "I've been busy" or "I'm too busy". I find people will use that as an excuse for their own laziness or the fact that maybe they just don't care about people and can't be bothered to make the effort to communicate with them or because they don't have the courage to admit that they don't want to do various activities or are trying to avoid people and/or things.
I remember my first boyfriend after a while started saying that to me and it always bothered me. He could have just told me that he wasn't interested in me anymore and break up with me but he kept stringing me along. I don't believe anyone can ever be too busy. I believe that you "make time". It doesn't take long to tell someone that you miss them or that you care about them. With the technology we have today, you can send someone a simple email and it will only take a minute.
Are you that important that you can't even spare one minute of your day to tell someone that you care about them or miss them?
I will never use the expression "I'm too busy" because I believe that I make time for things. I am like everyone else in that I only have 24 hours a day but I spend them wisely and I get shit done. I have wasted time in my life but I do try to live my life as efficiently as possible. I also manage to have lots of fun in my life. I manage to exercise and meditate and eat right and maintain a full time job.
I believe people perceive themself as busy because they don't know how to manage stress and stress creates the perception of busyness. People as well make themself feel busy so that they don't actually have to deal with their own personal issues. There really is no excuse for neglecting your friendships and relationships because you are too busy.
I bring up this topic because I am tired of hearing people use it. Life is precious and the people in your life are precious. Why can't you just demonstrate basic common courtesy instead of being so self absorbed and so selfish? Everyone in this life is busy to some degree.
One of the common expressions that I loathe to hear from people is the expression "I'm busy" or "I've been busy" or "I'm too busy". I find people will use that as an excuse for their own laziness or the fact that maybe they just don't care about people and can't be bothered to make the effort to communicate with them or because they don't have the courage to admit that they don't want to do various activities or are trying to avoid people and/or things.
I remember my first boyfriend after a while started saying that to me and it always bothered me. He could have just told me that he wasn't interested in me anymore and break up with me but he kept stringing me along. I don't believe anyone can ever be too busy. I believe that you "make time". It doesn't take long to tell someone that you miss them or that you care about them. With the technology we have today, you can send someone a simple email and it will only take a minute.
Are you that important that you can't even spare one minute of your day to tell someone that you care about them or miss them?
I will never use the expression "I'm too busy" because I believe that I make time for things. I am like everyone else in that I only have 24 hours a day but I spend them wisely and I get shit done. I have wasted time in my life but I do try to live my life as efficiently as possible. I also manage to have lots of fun in my life. I manage to exercise and meditate and eat right and maintain a full time job.
I believe people perceive themself as busy because they don't know how to manage stress and stress creates the perception of busyness. People as well make themself feel busy so that they don't actually have to deal with their own personal issues. There really is no excuse for neglecting your friendships and relationships because you are too busy.
I bring up this topic because I am tired of hearing people use it. Life is precious and the people in your life are precious. Why can't you just demonstrate basic common courtesy instead of being so self absorbed and so selfish? Everyone in this life is busy to some degree.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Somewhat Rational
Greetings and Salutations,
Okay so my previous post was rather melancholic but I'm such a moody person I end up feeling other moods quickly.
I do have a melancholic tendency which has its pros and cons. The main con being is that I'm like totally an emo type personality but due to my somewhat stubborn nature, I will not even admit that I am a bit emo and at least in this blog I am admitting to it.
Yes everything can seem so awful and impossible to overcome.
And hopeless.
The only pro about being a melancholic person is that I am sensitive to things and can feel the pain of others and imagine their suffering.
Anyways, I hate talking about myself so much on a personal level.
* * *
I have managed to do 3 more open mic stand up shows this month and it reminds me how much I am meant to be on stage. I sometimes deny myself pleasure possible due to lack of confidence but I at least feel happier that I am working towards something that I enjoy. That I can believe in. I'm tired of working for 'the man'. I want to be my own boss and be the master of my own destiny.
I feel like such an idiot sometimes. I feel like I've wasted so much time but I try not to think about it too much and just focus on what I need to do.
Feeling like an idiot is a good thing because at least it is making me feel some humbleness and making me realize I may not have been thinking as clearly as I thought I was.
Fuck I have issues.
* * *
I am still talking with my English Muffin and I plan on doing my Europe trip in May (England France and Spain). I've been talking with him for 3 months and I am hopelessly insane. I sometimes feel like I can never be in a happy relationship. I'm insane. I'm eccentric. I'm unpredictable. Who would want me?
I'm needy. I'm high maintenance. I need constant assurance. I need to have sex fairly regularly. I'm demanding.
I can't be in a relationship with someone. I'll drive them away with my unrelenting obsessive nature.
Fuck I have issues.
* * *
I've had a few people tell me that I am brave for trying stand up. I say no fucking way. I get up and I want them to like. It's like being on a first date every fucking show that you do. Oh my god am I too weird, do they like me, do I look too intimidating or ugly, what if they misunderstand what I say.
And then at some point, you get over that.
But then it comes back when you do another show.
Okay so my previous post was rather melancholic but I'm such a moody person I end up feeling other moods quickly.
I do have a melancholic tendency which has its pros and cons. The main con being is that I'm like totally an emo type personality but due to my somewhat stubborn nature, I will not even admit that I am a bit emo and at least in this blog I am admitting to it.
Yes everything can seem so awful and impossible to overcome.
And hopeless.
The only pro about being a melancholic person is that I am sensitive to things and can feel the pain of others and imagine their suffering.
Anyways, I hate talking about myself so much on a personal level.
I have managed to do 3 more open mic stand up shows this month and it reminds me how much I am meant to be on stage. I sometimes deny myself pleasure possible due to lack of confidence but I at least feel happier that I am working towards something that I enjoy. That I can believe in. I'm tired of working for 'the man'. I want to be my own boss and be the master of my own destiny.
I feel like such an idiot sometimes. I feel like I've wasted so much time but I try not to think about it too much and just focus on what I need to do.
Feeling like an idiot is a good thing because at least it is making me feel some humbleness and making me realize I may not have been thinking as clearly as I thought I was.
Fuck I have issues.
I am still talking with my English Muffin and I plan on doing my Europe trip in May (England France and Spain). I've been talking with him for 3 months and I am hopelessly insane. I sometimes feel like I can never be in a happy relationship. I'm insane. I'm eccentric. I'm unpredictable. Who would want me?
I'm needy. I'm high maintenance. I need constant assurance. I need to have sex fairly regularly. I'm demanding.
I can't be in a relationship with someone. I'll drive them away with my unrelenting obsessive nature.
Fuck I have issues.
I've had a few people tell me that I am brave for trying stand up. I say no fucking way. I get up and I want them to like. It's like being on a first date every fucking show that you do. Oh my god am I too weird, do they like me, do I look too intimidating or ugly, what if they misunderstand what I say.
And then at some point, you get over that.
But then it comes back when you do another show.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Melancholic Time
Greetings and Salutations,
Things just don't like they are going well for me. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever find true happiness.
It seems like I'll never find a place to fit in. I just float along in this universe as a lone partical unable to find some semblance of belonging.
I see people who seem happy with their jobs and their partners. I don't have that. I feel like I'll never have that now. I've been searching for so long. Trying hard for so long. I sometimes think I must have been a really bad person in a past life or something.
What is the point of life if I can never attain happiness?
What is the point of it all if I can never attain my simple desires?
I lead a perpetual unfulfilling life.
Things just don't like they are going well for me. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever find true happiness.
It seems like I'll never find a place to fit in. I just float along in this universe as a lone partical unable to find some semblance of belonging.
I see people who seem happy with their jobs and their partners. I don't have that. I feel like I'll never have that now. I've been searching for so long. Trying hard for so long. I sometimes think I must have been a really bad person in a past life or something.
What is the point of life if I can never attain happiness?
What is the point of it all if I can never attain my simple desires?
I lead a perpetual unfulfilling life.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
A New Blog
Greetings and Salutations,
I have decided to keep track of my kettlebell workouts with an online training blog. The address is: Lucid I Kettlebell Training
I have created this as it will be an easy way for me to track my exercise and to make sure that I keep going.
I have decided to keep track of my kettlebell workouts with an online training blog. The address is: Lucid I Kettlebell Training
I have created this as it will be an easy way for me to track my exercise and to make sure that I keep going.
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