Somewhat Rational

Greetings and Salutations,

Okay so my previous post was rather melancholic but I'm such a moody person I end up feeling other moods quickly.

I do have a melancholic tendency which has its pros and cons. The main con being is that I'm like totally an emo type personality but due to my somewhat stubborn nature, I will not even admit that I am a bit emo and at least in this blog I am admitting to it.

Yes everything can seem so awful and impossible to overcome.
And hopeless.

The only pro about being a melancholic person is that I am sensitive to things and can feel the pain of others and imagine their suffering.

Anyways, I hate talking about myself so much on a personal level.

* * *
I have managed to do 3 more open mic stand up shows this month and it reminds me how much I am meant to be on stage. I sometimes deny myself pleasure possible due to lack of confidence but I at least feel happier that I am working towards something that I enjoy. That I can believe in. I'm tired of working for 'the man'. I want to be my own boss and be the master of my own destiny.

I feel like such an idiot sometimes. I feel like I've wasted so much time but I try not to think about it too much and just focus on what I need to do.

Feeling like an idiot is a good thing because at least it is making me feel some humbleness and making me realize I may not have been thinking as clearly as I thought I was.

Fuck I have issues.

* * *
I am still talking with my English Muffin and I plan on doing my Europe trip in May (England France and Spain). I've been talking with him for 3 months and I am hopelessly insane. I sometimes feel like I can never be in a happy relationship. I'm insane. I'm eccentric. I'm unpredictable. Who would want me?

I'm needy. I'm high maintenance. I need constant assurance. I need to have sex fairly regularly. I'm demanding.

I can't be in a relationship with someone. I'll drive them away with my unrelenting obsessive nature.

Fuck I have issues.

* * *
I've had a few people tell me that I am brave for trying stand up. I say no fucking way. I get up and I want them to like. It's like being on a first date every fucking show that you do. Oh my god am I too weird, do they like me, do I look too intimidating or ugly, what if they misunderstand what I say.

And then at some point, you get over that.

But then it comes back when you do another show.