Sad Musings

Greetings and Salutations,

Today is a holiday in Canada and today is my official last day at my job (we got holiday pay as we worked Friday).

I'm quite sad as I feel overwhelmed and frustrated by numerous things.

I began this detox program which supposedly helps people to lose weight called the Master Cleanse (aka lemonade diet). I am on Day 3 and to get the most out of it you are to do for 10 days although I read somewhere you can do it for a minimum of 3 days.

I am interested to see if this detoxes my body and see if it helps me to lose some weight. I don't know if I want to do for 10 days. I find it to be a bit more expensive then when I buy my regular groceries because you are supposed to buy organic lemons and they cost $1 each. I've also boughten organic maple syrup and have finished the bottle already and that was expensive as well.

I think I have the discipline to do it but the cheapskate in me doesn't want to spend all this money. I have the time to do it but since I lost my job, I don't want to spend money so quickly.

I think 3 days is good though. I've always been someone that doesn't skip meals and I've broken Italian Law because I have not been eating solid foods for the past 3 days.

I find drinking the lemon drink helps to ease the hunger pains. Today I don't feel as bad as yesterday where I felt a bit stupid and slow to think. I woke up yesterday feeling really angry and I think that was because I was hungry.

* * *
Another thing that I'm going through that is causing me much heartache is I had some argument via email with the English Muffin and now he doesn't want to talk to me at all. I largely think that he misunderstood why I was angry. I made some comment about his friend and he obviously got defensive and protective. I was probably off when I made my initial attack and I was most likely being impulsive (largely due to my anger over what I perceived to be inappropriate behaviour). I think he didn't try to get where I was coming from because he saw my comments as an attack on the person whereas I saw them more as an attack on the behaviour and so I kept arguing my position on this behaviour.

I just don't think it was fair for him to not give this a chance to be verbally discussed because I probably would have apologized sooner or at least stop the argument and talk about it over skype so that it doesn't get too heated.

I've sent him a couple of apologies but have not heard from him. The last time we had some fight like this he didn't talk to me for some time and it really bothers me because if someone is mad at me, I'd rather talk about it and get it out of the way.

I think most people find this relationship with the English Muffin as strange. I'm still making myself open to dating other guys but I'm not really into it. I think because we have seen each other on skype and talked, I at least know that I find him attractive and I find for the most part we are compatible.

I probably should talk to him about these things but haven't gotten the nerve because it is a little strange situation to me to have feelings for someone that you just email and talk on skype with.

I probably should have told him that I think about him alot.
I probably should have told him that when I am out by myself or with friends, I wish he was there along side me.
I probably should have told him that I can see a future with him and that we can make this odd situation work (although he'd have to be the one to do most of the work as he has told me he wants to leave England)

I guess I feel a bit defensive and awkward about opening up about my feelings for someone whom I don't actually get to physically be with. I guess some people probably are skeptical or naive and I guess they can be.

And I find it even more strange that I have these feelings for someone and haven't had a chance to have sex with him!

All I know is that I've pissed off this guy that I really like and I may not get the chance to tell him my feelings because I've pissed him off so much.

Crrkk
The sound of my heart breaking