Over and Done With

Greetings all,

As mentioned a few posts earlier, I was talking again with the 'english muffin'. I last spoke to him on Skype near the end of July and haven't heard from him since. I have been online a few times and a couple of times I honestly think he was avoiding me because he would hop off like about 2 or 3 minutes after I made myself visible. I noticed he was online alot and so I thought maybe he wanted to chat with me and congratulate me but the couple of times I would make myself visible, he just never bothered.

I poked him on facebook back in the middle of August and we exchanged a few messages.

I just decided that I don't need someone like that in my life so I officially decided to be over and done with him.

I really don't think he was into me and maybe was to some degree, but not enough to make him come and visit me.

Or make the effort to talk to me.

I really just don't understand him and this on/off friendship has gone on long enough. I gave him a chance and let him lead.

I was upset since he didn't even bother to congratulate me on finding a job as I posted it on facebook and many of my friends congratulated me.

I just don't understand why he would play around with me but I don't need someone like that in my life.

I deleted my skype account last Monday and sent him a quick note this morning that I have enough friends and that removing him was nothing personal. I have known him long enough so I wanted to at least give him a polite goodbye, since I think I have class, although maybe I shouldn't since he lacked courage and balls to end things.

I also don't understand why he would keep me as a friend on facebook but cowardly avoid me on skype. Well it's over and done with and I'm just not into him anymore. He has proved himself to be unworthy of my attention!

A New Holiday

Greetings and Salutations,

I have created a new holiday called "I Think I Am Awesome Day" and this holiday is for those who think they are awesome or for those who are lacking some confidence to focus and look within to discover their own Inner Awesomeness.

We have many holidays that celebrate things such as the birth of a Saviour, or the beginning of a New Year, or even for those in Love. But what we lack is a holiday to acknowledge our own self confidence and self worth and so that is why I have decided to create this holiday. We all need to stop and take the time to look within and acknowledge our own Inner Awesomeness as it is easy to forget.

So if you think you are Awesome, today is the day to celebrate!

Tell your friends!

Happy I Think I Am Awesome Day!

Redirect the Flow

Greetings all,

Because I am interested in spiritual topics, the concept of 'going with the flow' is always brought up. I am currently into kundalini yoga and have done 8 years of regular yoga and 3 years of qigong. I know that it helps to relax, instead of trying to fight and struggle.

But sometimes, I wonder if people misapply this concept of 'going with the flow' because sometimes you can't go with the flow and maybe need to redirect it or put a halt to it.

Sometimes you just have to make a decision in life and make things happen. While I think it's important to realize what you can and cannot control and stay relaxed, sometimes you need to nudge a little, probe a little and push a little.

I understand sometimes life is going to teach us some things so it's just best to 'go with the flow' and learn but life isn't always like that. I think since I am a creative person, I know from experience, I don't just come up with ideas from no where. I put some thought into things and get observations. I am proactive and eventually something comes out of that but it comes out because I put effort into it.

Clearly in life, you need to put effort and other times you don't. I guess it takes wisdom to know when to do what.

Tethering Dogs and it's Relation to Human Behaviour

Greetings all,

I was driving a few days ago and heard John Tesh on the radio and was briefly listening to him. Now I personally hate John Tesh but what he was talking about what interesting. I hate him because he makes what I perceive to be common sense knowledge, into something revolutionary. Like okay, this is good to know, but really this is not going to enhance the quality of my life that much.

He was talking about how tethering dogs is not good and there is research to support this since dogs are social creatures and if they get tied up, it makes them more territorial and thus more aggressive because they are not allowed to roam free.

So it would be better to let them run free so they are happier.

I thought about how this parallels to human behaviours.

We humans are social creatures and we need each other, whether we want to admit or not. But you can see how if people try to control each other, it just fosters aggression in humans.

We can look at political structures where democracy is not allowed and see that eventually it leads to rebellions, civil wars and alot of angry people.

Or in corporations where if people aren't listened to and given freedom to do their work, it can lead to strikes or to people just quitting the jobs.

Or in personal relationships or marriage. Can result in people cheating or people withdrawing emotionally because they do not like being controlled and having their freedom taken away.

I'm sure there are more examples out there but basically we humans have something in common with dogs in that in order for humans to be healthy, they must have freedom and it is a necessity. Denying people freedom is just going to create aggressive behaviour.

So if we want to live in a more peaceful world, it makes sense to give people some freedom instead of trying to control them.

Job Finding

Greetings all,

I had an interview on Tuesday and was notified the next day I got a job. I will be working for an insurance company. I interviewed with them before for a different position at a different location but I saw one day they had an office downtown and so applied again for some other positions. I didn't like the other location because it was a bit too north for me but I decided I wanted to work downtown so I am glad it worked out this way.

I am glad that I have a job to pay my bills but at the same time I realized that I still have more inner work to do. I have to figure out if I want to go back to school or if I want to be a professional comedian. I have to figure out what I want to do with my life and I have to think about it. There are lots of people that have jobs they like and they feel they are putting their intelligence and skills to good use. I would like to feel like that too as I feel like I am just not doing the right work for me.

Getting the call for the job was bitter sweet. I had been unemployed for so long - 1 year - and not by choice and it was starting to get to me. This recession took something from me and I wonder if I will recover. I feel I have lost something important. Maybe it's the whole Saturn Return concept I mentioned in an earlier post, I don't know.

I don't think it's fair that I've had to struggle to find work during a recession. I got laid off just before this recession happened. It is what it is but it certainly was not easy to live with. This whole year has been quite emotionally difficult so maybe the last 4 months of the year, things will pick up. Too many bad things have happened to me and it's got to turn around

Rude Employment Counsellor

Greetings all,

I have been using some government assistance in finding a job and initially went to a counsellor last month who referred me to a centre that does career exploration. I spoke with her again because I need a job and said I would be willing to get job finding help.

I've had 6 interviews (one arranged by an agency), so I am having some luck with my resume. The counsellor referred me to another agency to help specifically with finding a job. I spoke with the counsellor today but I did not like her one bit. I basically thought she was an insensitive bitch and she reminded me of my ex-roommate.

Her name is Shaila Shafique and she questioned my motivation and said I didn't seem motivated and seemed tired. She failed to show empathy for my situation and I felt she wasn't showing warmth and I felt she was disorganized. She didn't even bother asking me about my job search history and maybe if she did, she would have learned that I am experiencing some success. While I am open to feedback, I don't think she knew what she was talking about. She said a resume has to be 1 page. Mine is 2 and I have read online that the 1 page rule is not strictly followed.

I have weeded my resume and it is not my fault I have various job experiences.

I left a message with the other employment counsellor because I want another one. This woman was a bit insensitive. I have been out of work for 1 year, how would she feel if she was job searching for several months and wasn't finding anything? Her spirit would be just as weary as mine, maybe more.

Plus I moved here in April and am still trying to make friends, and I am not someone who opens up easily to just anyone.

I really think there was something wrong with this person. I come here for a service, I am not the one to be expected to be happy and smiling. I don't come either expecting them to do all the work for me so I didn't appreciate her ignorance.

Decisions, decisions

Greetings all,

I spoke to an employment counsellor a few weeks ago and she told me about a program that helps you to explore careers that would suit you. I was taking that this week and we just have one more session and a private meeting with one of the counsellors.

I think being at my age, I feel like I am at a major crossroads and I need to make the right decisions and honest, truthful decisions, other wise I will go through the same bullshit again.

So thankfully I am doing a helpful meditation that is helping me to look at things that I probably didn't want to.

So I am facing alot of ugliness in my soul but I think it is for my own good, which hopefully in the long run will pay off. I am facing my own imperfections that I didn't want to deal with. I feel I am becoming more honest about my own flaws. While I have always strived to live authentically, I am going through another layer.

There seems to be so much to let go of. My existence is muddled but hopefully soon I will get the direction I am searching for and forge my way through this world.

I hope to be at peace with myself.

Crazy Neighbors

Greetings all,

I live in a low rise apartment with 4 floors. So there are 6 units each floor with the basement holding possibly 4 units. So that means there are 22 units, one of which resides the super.

For some reason I have what I think is a lot of crazy neighbors in a small building.

Last night one lady who has a son was yelling at around 10 pm-ish about how she was locked out of her apartment and I think she couldn't get the super as maybe they were out but she kept yelling and freaking out for about 10 minutes. I don't know if she is being evicted but it did sound like she was able to get into her apartment. And I wonder if she forgot her key, which means being locked out was her fault and she really shouldn't be yelling like a lunatic.

Two weeks ago there was some yelling going on and I heard someone running through the hall and then went outside. Did they do something wrong to the yeller or were they running in fear because there was some verbal spat going on?

Finally we have what I call the Crazy Cat Lady. One day she kept calling for her cat. She would say 'kitty, kitty'. Now as you all know most cats are rather independent and do not come when you call them unless you are offering food. This woman did this one day for at least 10 minutes and again did the same thing. She has been good lately or maybe she just keeps the cat indoors. Earlier on this month, some couple was moving out and I think the night before she was yelling at them because the next day they were arguing. The guy was trying to stay calm but the Crazy Cat Lady kept spewing nonesense. The man was trying to rationalize with her but when it comes to crazy people, you just leave them alone and do not antagonize them.

One day in June I believe the CCL was yelling about how the door to get in was locked and that it shouldn't be locked at 9pm. The south doors are open during the day to get into the building since we do not have a buzzer but they usually close around 9 or 10 by the super usually. The north doors are locked all the time so you would need a key. All I could think was 'why don't you have your key since this wouldn't be a problem'. I don't know about you but usually if I go out, I lock my apartment and so would need my key.

I did get to see what she looks like earlier this month. All I could hear was her voice and so I built up this image of her in my mind. She had a husky, red neck voice. When I saw the Crazy Cat Lady she was just as I envisioned her: possessing a roughed, worn out and beaten looking face, confused looking with a hint of blue eyeliner and a cigarette in her left hand.

There is an old lady on my floor with a hunchback. I thought she was crazy the first time I encountered her but I think she is just a harmless old lady with bad hearing so I wouldn't put her in the same category as these people.

The funny thing though is I can relate, which I'm sure we all can, to these people freaking out. Normally I try not to let myself get out of control like that but I'm sure it happens to the best of us. You think you are in control and making a statement but when you freak out like that you just look silly and out of control.

I also neglected to mention that we had an incident where someone fell off the roof. I don't know the details but thought what the hell is someone doing on the roof?

Sick of the Economy

Greetings all,

I am still unemployed and am sick to my stomach about my situation. I had a couple of interviews last week but didn't get the job. I had someone call on Monday so if they want an interview, they said they'd call by the end of the week.

I went to talk to an Employment Counsellor and if I want I can try and go back to school for January as part of the Second Career program, which would subsidize my education and living costs. The thing is I still need a job and have no money coming in.

I've applied to some service jobs and haven't heard from anyone yet.

All I want is to find meaningful employment and some money but things are just getting worse and worse. I hope things turn around soon. I am feeling so much despair and anger. It's hard not to take unemployment personally. I'm more then qualified for the jobs I apply to but there is too many of us out there looking for work.

* * *
I found out a few weeks ago that my 'friend' stole my credit card and used it to buy groceries. She is 34 years old and has a 2 year old daughter. She moved back to her family in PEI on July 1 because she was diagnosed with bone cancer. I knew about it then but I didn't call the cops to charge her with theft and I was too upset to confront her about it and deal with the drama of the situation.

I sent her a message the other day and I'm sure she has responded to me by now but I can't bother to read the email. I was disappointed with her and disgusted because I arrived home back in May after visiting her and realized my wallet was missing. She said her daughter probably stole it. Two days later she found some of the contents in her daughter's back pack. The next month I got a statement from my other credit card that I do not use and it was for groceries at the store by her house and on the day my wallet was missing.

I thought it either was her or someone from her daughter's day care who stole my wallet. I thought she was not the type to do something like that and so brought it up and she said she didn't.

I notified the credit card company that I did not make the purchase and eventually I got a copy of the charge and it looked like her hand writing. I got a sample of her hand writing and it matched.

There really is no excuse for this and she knows I was under stress since I didn't hae a job.

I will end up having to look at my inbox at facebook as that's where I sent her the message but depending on her response I will have to contact the police and press charges. I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone like that.

Maybe she was under a lot of stress but you just don't do that kind of stuff to your friends.

Toronto Fringe Festival

Greetings all,

I am a volunteer this year for the Toronto Fringe Festival. I've been seeing alot of shows these past few days and they have certain free shows for the volunteers as well as comps for the shifts that we do.

There is one play that is about some gay mother getting married. I didn't see it but frankly I am not interested in seeing anything about gays. I don't have a problem with gays but I am just so damn tired of the subject. I know in Canada, homosexuality has been decriminalized 40 years ago, which really isn't a long time. And sure there are still people who aren't comfortable with coming out but I think most people are progressive about this issue.

I'm just tired of some gays thinking it's a big deal to discuss gay issues. I don't know but I feel, like dude I get it your gay, let's move on!

I know in the USA, they are still quite backwards on this issue so maybe they should take the show there where it can generate some controversy.

I don't get the Pride festival either. I'm sure they feel great to declare their sexual orientation considering how repressed they have been but can we just move on already! You've got your civil rights already!

Now I didn't see that show but I'm just basing my opinion on the title and description. Maybe it's funny and interesting. Maybe it's not.

Another show I saw dealt with the topic of women's body issues and talked about plastic surgery, throwing up to maintain weight. This was another subject that I felt was done to death. The performer/writer mentioned at the end that there is a Q & A after the show to talk about this 'sensitive issue'. No offense but this was a sensitive issue back in the 90s (or maybe even earlier) when 90210 did some episode about this.

I just don't understand these writers/performers who take a topic that has been discussed to death and then claim their show is addressing a unique issue, when in reality they are tackling with an issue that has been in the media for decades.

Maybe it could work if things were done in a fresh and innovative way. But in this case, it was not.

Now I saw this show and thought it was super bland. I was glad at least that it was 40 minutes. Maybe the young woman putting on the show thought she was empowering women but I didn't think so. Not all women have body issues. Most people don't like themselves 100% and there is always something one wants to change but most people don't go to the extreme of having surgery, obsessing over diet and exercise and becoming anorexic or bulimic. Those extremes are a sign that the person is sick and has some major issues.

But most of all what was annoying was the show was put on by a skinny bitch. I really wonder what was her experience with this subject because she looks like she is one of those people who are naturally skinny. It's like hearing Paris Hilton talk about the struggles of being poor.

Not Always 'On'

Greetings all,

I'm quite annoyed as I was speaking to someone who posted an ad looking for presenters. Since I have improv and stand up experience, I mention that in my cover letter and I got to speak to the person today.

The person thought I was reserved and was expecting someone more gregarious. This is not the first time I met or talked with someone who expected that someone in comedy to be more outgoing.

The reality is, yes I am reserved but I'm not reserved all the time and sometimes enjoy being on stage and being gregarious. I am not always on and I get angry as well because I know I am funny and a good performer but because I am reserved at times, people will just judge me on that.

First of all, I think these people just go on this stereotype of how funny people should be. We are not always outgoing and many of us can be quiet and pensive. I think if I were to be outgoing and joke all the time, I would feel like I am not being myself and not being authentic. I try to be myself and sometimes I am cautious and sometimes I take risks and do strange things.

I'm not going to change who I am but people need to start changing their perceptions of how they think someone should be.

People are always full of surprises so stop having expectations of how you think people should be.

Karma

Greetings all,

I read on some forum someone asking if you believe in karma. The responses were typical - showing that many people don't even know what the concept is and merely stating that it's about 'what goes around, comes around'.

What the hell does that even mean? I just find people don't get the concept of karma and it's a vast concept. Steiner did over 8 volumes on that topic alone! And it's also a major tenet in some religions such as Buddhism. Why people gloss over it and fail to give the proper respect that it deserves is beyond my comprehension!

First of all, it doesn't matter whether you believe in karma or not. Based on my understanding of the world, there are certain 'rules' and karma is about 'cause and effect'. We all have certain thought and behaviour patterns that we get into the routine of. Eventually these things 'bear fruit' and we may not see the consequences of our thoughts and actions, potentially not even in this lifetime.

It has nothing to do with 'what goes around comes around'. You have the free will to do whatever the hell you want but if you go around screwing and hurting people, people will not like you or help you out. It's about living with the consequences of our actions. A mentality like that can only get you so far.

I find though that people use the word karma as a form of being self righteous towards someone. Usually if that someone is doing something hurtful - usually to them. I think it is inappropriate to have that mentality - that of delighting that someone will suffer because they hurt you - because it just fosters hatred and negativity. The whole point of life is to develop compassion and love and getting off on someone's ignorance is a sign of egoism. We all have egoism but the point is to purify ourselves.

This is where the concept of changing your karma comes into play. I learned through my mantra meditation practice that you can use things like mantra to create change and help ease difficulties. I am sure there are other techniques out as well to help deal with the blockages we ignorantly create in our lives and in past lives. I still believe in free will and we can chose if we want to change our life or not, we can chose to let go of pain and be more compassionate and peaceful. When we do that, we do change our karma and possibly open the gate for positive karma.

The whole reason for having compassion for someone is mainly because we create things and problems out of ignorance. It's like an employee new on the job and who is making mistakes. The person could be making all these mistakes out of ignorance because they weren't properly trained. Is it fair to be judgmental and harsh towards them?

I would like to learn more about Karma from an Anthroposophical perspective because I think there is so much to learn about this concept and I feel I have only scratched the surface. Steiner has some interesting examples where he talks about how karma plays out in personalities over several lifetimes and those were interesting to read and gave karma a more practical approach.

Falling Apart

Greetings all,

I am still actively looking for work and had an interview yesterday, although I do not think I was interested in the company because I couldn't understand the interviewer, who would be the future boss.

I am watching my life spiral out of control. I am doing my best but it's not good enough. I can't even seem to have luck with employment agencies because there is so much competition.

I would like to say that I'm losing my mind but I'm past that point already.

I've lost my mind and am having a hard time staying optimistic. My employment insurance is done and now all I have is my savings, which I had to buy a condo or house.

All of my dreams and hopes are going down the sink.

I'm digging deep but I keep coming up short. I've had enough and all I can say is I hope things work out. I just can't go on living and feeling this way.

I have no one to turn to. My friends can't help me find a job or figure out what direction is best to go. It's either sink or swim and it's all up to me.

Words of encouragement will have little meaning.

Everyone else is moving forward. Having babies. Getting married. Going to school.

I am just stuck and wanting to move forward.

Name Change

Greetings all,

I think I have decided to start spelling my name Pahla. I have not legally changed it to that but will be doing so because I have seen several people with different ways of spelling their name and thought that I might as well.

Purse Snatching

Greetings all,

I experienced my first purse snatching yesterday afternoon. I was not impressed. I was on my way to the bank as I just finished job searching at the library. I like to go to the library to get out of the house and use the wifi internet. I was actually sitting at a different table then where I normally sit.

At the table, a woman said she was going to watch a video and asked if that would be a problem. She wasn't talking to me because I guess the other people were closer and then the people at the table were talking with her. The other 2 people knew each other and apparently this woman was researching organ donation for her husband as he was in need of a donor. Although these people probably couldn't have helped, I thought it was sweet how the man was showing concern for her situation and encouraging her to tell people and get the word out about the situation.

I thought wow what nice people. I don't know if it's because I have introversion tendencies but I usually am quite fearful to initiate conversations with strangers (although I will speak to them if they start a conversation). I would never be like that with someone and be helpful. I'd be a bit nervous.

So I had left the library to go to the bank as I had some cheques to cash. I am maybe a 2 minute walk from the streetcar stop when I feel someone from behind me try to grab my purse. I have a hand bag for a purse. My friend makes fun of me because it has 3 compartments, 2 of which are open and the other is zippered. I like the purse because it makes me feel like a doctor. I bought that purse a couple of years ago and had a hard time finding one I liked.

I turn around and start pulling my purse away from her. I had to yell and I dragged her towards the street in hopes of getting a car involved and I eventually freed myself from her. I also was kicking at her and fought for my purse. If she had a weapon, maybe I would have not fought.

I was quite shaken up and went to the hair salon since it was the closest business and I told them what happened. Since I was still shocked, it didn't occur to me to call the cops but they told me to call the cops which I did.

One guy who was waiting at the streetcar stop gave me some information about her and where she went and I think he might have tried to follow. He had to leave for work but I asked him to give me his number and write out information for when the cops arrive.

The cops came and they were already looking for the person but didn't find her. They took me down the street where the guy told me she went down and we didn't find her.

I eventually got angry about what happened and I felt violated. This is my neighborhood and although this happened about a 10 minute walk from where I live, I don't appreciate it and I want to feel safe when I walk.

I joked to the cops though that she probably should have waited until after I went to the bank if she wanted my money, not before.

I told my friend and she thinks because I have a hand bag, it makes it an easy target to snatch so she gave me a couple of her purses (I paid some money for it) that you wear over your shoulder and hopefully that will make my purse not look so enticing to purse snatchers.

The irony of it all was I was wearing my Threadless (it's the name of an online store) shirt that said "Canada: living the American dream without all the violence since 1867".

I also read online at the site for the local police that it's best to release your purse if someone is trying to steal it to prevent injury. I think that makes sense if they have a weapon but I had fought back and succeeded. This woman was probably an inch or 2 shorter then me so I had a good chance of succeeding.

I was also surprised that my handles could withstand this because there was a lot of tugging going on. There were no damages to it either and my purse was made in China! China apparently can manufacture good products since my purse was not damaged as there were lots of tugging and pulling was going on. Yeah China!

So my day begins with being exposed to kind people showing concern to dealing with some criminal trying to steal my purse. Humans are quite strange!

Kicked out!

Greetings and salutations,

I got kicked out of my second meetup group last week. I emailed the organizer and asked why but she never got back to me. I attended 2 events so I don't know why she'd kick me out. I was thinking of leaving it anyways but I would have preferred to leave then get kicked out!

I showed up later for the last event but that was because we had dinner and I had to watch my money and didn't want to waste $20 on dinner and I am wondering if that's why. The group is for single women to hang out downtown and the organizer writes on the site that we women need to stick together! They spent probably an hour and a bit complaining about men. Maybe she could see I was getting bored and annoyed (or maybe I hide it well) during those conversations.

Most of the women were all bitching about the same thing (not all of them).
Bitching about things like:
How Men can't commit
How Men online lie about who they are
About Men who still live with their parents

This was going on as well during the first meetup and we were at a more fancy restaurant. I was riding home on the streetcar with another woman from the meetup, who was older then me, who I thought was nice. She remarked that it wasn't appropriate for them to be complaining in such an environment since other people were there wanting to enjoy themselves as well. I agreed since I found it pointless. So it seems to be a pattern going on.

I'm all for self expression and ranting because sometimes that can be productive but I don't know if that was what was going on. I felt like they weren't taking responsibility for what was going on. I mean, if a man is lying about who is online, isn't it up to you to figure that out? There obviously are men out there that need to mature and grow up before they are ready for a responsible relationship and all you can do is be aware of the men that you date and get involved with.

Since I've done some reading on relationships and, I think it needs to be acknowledged that because the genders sometimes react differently to things, there maybe some behaviours people are doing that are making it difficult for them to get someone to commit.

Anyways, we're only responsible for ourselves so why complain about the losers that are out there. We don't have to fix them!

I think all women should just accept the fact that all men are stupid and that only the smart ones realize how stupid they are (I think this applies to all humans though)! The faster you realize that, the easier it is to understand them! I just don't understand the endless complaining, it just makes them look bitter and unattractive.

Hating the 'Rents

Greetings all,

Sometimes I just don't like my parents. They are really different from me in many ways and sometimes I just don't connect with them.

Being that I am unemployed and still seriously job hunting, I get frustrated that my dad had it easier then me. He immigrated to this country when he was 23, knocked up my mother when she was 18. He managed to get a good paying job, considering he only had grade 3 education.

By the time he hit my age - 30 - he already had 3 kids and a house and a good paying job.

I don't even have that and I am not even close to having that!

I am a fucking genius who failed Mensa by 1%. I have never had a really good paying job and have had to struggle to find a good job. I want to be a comedian and here I am making nothing at this point.

I don't even have a boyfriend.

All I have is an upset uterus that wants to fuck men and have babies but I keep telling it to wait and relax.

It isn't fair! I have the will to work too so it's not like I can say I am lazy and that is why I am not having a good job.

I think my dad would collapse if he was born in another generation.

It really just boils down to luck.
And anyone that says anything about hard work is probably living in a bubble. Even if you work hard, that guarantees nothing.

I've done more and put more effort in work then he ever has but I am not even remotely ahead. He comes here to make a better life for himself but all 4 of his kids struggle to make it. They probably want us to be happy and successful but it really doesn't matter what a parent does because at the end of the day, we all will fend for ourselves.

I fucking hate you guys sometimes!

And He's Back!

Greetings all,

I had previously mentioned in my last post that there was someone I was interested in and that I would tell y'all another day. Well today is the 'another day' although technically it really is just a few hours. I did a show tonight and was in no mood to write.

Well the person that I was wondering if he was interested in me is none other then the English Muffin. I decided to send him a message back in April and we have been chatting since.

I had last written about him at the end of the year. To quickly recap I was getting all frustrated that we were just emailing each other since we started talking again. I believed I was slightly brainwashed from a relationship book I read and didn't come out directly to say that I wanted to chat on Skype.

Anyways, I figure he wasn't chasing after me because of how I abused my Facebook status updates, letting him subtly know that I was dating others because I didn't want to sit and wait around while he decides if he wants a relationship with me or not. I probably broke his sad little heart so I just messaged him back in April and asked if I upset him but apparently he decided to just ignore me since he thought I was on some mission on how he should and shouldn't talk to me.(which I could see how he would interpret that as such)

I didn't want to come off as demanding because I just find it easier to talk on Skype but like I said earlier, I was slightly brainwashed by a relationship book.

Anyways, I was still not sure if he was interested in me. I mean I know I was interested in him. He left little clues behind in his emails that made me still think he was interested but I'm a big fan of direct communication so I still had some doubts. He'd have to say 'I am still interested in you' and I think I would clearly get that message, so that's why I'd use the relationship forum.

I wonder if guys spend this much time analyzing girls because on that forum, these women spend alot of time. I enjoy analyzing but even I put a stop to it because it can get out of hand. I don't think there is anything wrong with analyzing a situation. A little bit of it can do some good and so I did ask for some opinions online since I guess I needed some feedback/assurance that I think he still was interested.

I admit to stalking him online. I mean I know he has a photo album up and I was hoping that he doesn't have something like Blog Patrol where you can see what countries are following you. I would look at them occasionally and see if he uploaded any new pictures.

It's not really stalking though, it's research!

So the other day he messages me and says he was looking at some of the pictures of when we were in Bath and asked if I wanted to come over again.

I was pleased to see that he was showing he is sappy like I am and probably was lusting at my picture much like how I would lust at his photo.

So now I plan on having 'my revenge' at the relationship forum to let the poster know that she was wrong in saying that he was interested but now he no longer was interested.

Okay I'm not really vengeful but it would be funny to post about it.

I let him know that I would like to meet him again but since I am unemployed and have to watch my money, it would be awhile but I let him know that it's his turn to visit me. I think though that since he has told me he has been thinking for the past few years that he would like to leave England for Canada, he probably should be doing more visiting then me since I know I am not willing to move to England any time soon.

And so the drama unfolds...

I Hate Online Know-it-Alls

Greetings all,

I have written back that I hate Know-it-alls but now I officially hate Online Know-it-alls.

I am guessing KIA are like this because maybe they are insecure about their intelligence or insecure in general but they are still annoying to be around.

I was on some online forum where everyone supports each other about their relationship experiences. The people are all pretty much single women and not married women giving advice.

I had explained my current situation and asked for feedback on various things and I thought most people gave good responses but one woman starts to turn on me and basically says I am not listening to the advice. I of course get angry because I am listening. It was like this person was creating a problem that wasn't there - accusing me of not listening.

And how does one determine someone is not listening? Am I going to get quizzed at the end of this message?

I am taking a few days break from these dumb asses to calm down but another person was agreeing with her. I was listening and I don't understand their problem!

First of all, most of these women desire a long term relationship but none have achieved that so there is going to be some flaw in their advice (a happily married woman probably could give better advice or not but at least one could argue these women haven't achieved their goal therefore what do they know?)

This person on the board was withholding her opinion which was basically she thought this person I was interested in was no longer interested in me (which others already thought he was interested). This person was withholding because she didn't think I was listening so there was no point in saying her opinion.

So as I write out my situation here on my blog, I can see the absurdity of this person.

I call people like that "Spiritual Growth" Nazis but I wonder if it really is applicable. I call them that because they are pushing you to grow but really it's their ego at work.

I will tell you all about this person who I think is interested in me another day (this person showed me that there still was interest just after this forum incident).

I will have to get back on the forum to let this ignoramus know she was wrong.

I think we are all entitled to our opinions even if they are contrary but why would someone act that way?

But what disturbs me more is that I let it get to me. I share my experience and make myself vulnerable, only to have someone act like they have my best interest at heart but they really don't, and only want to be perceived as the relationship expert.

In real life, I'd avoid a KIA but I like going to that board and it's difficult to avoid this KIA but I think as long as I am conscious of what is going on, then maybe this dumbass won't get to me as much.

Cops Can Be So Ignorant!

Greetings,

Today I was in my apartment, job hunting in the afternoon. There are 2 door entrances you can exit. I had to run a quick errand and went using the North door in my building to access the parking lot.

There is only one driveway to get out and as I made my way to the exit in my car, I saw a cop car blocking the driveway. If I had exited in the South door, I would have seen them and told them to move. I thought how ignorant of them to be blocking the only driveway we have to get out of here. They could have parked on the street and not have been so ignorant.

Well I honked my horn at them. I am not afraid of cops and frankly find many of them arrogant and many have an entitlement mentality. Like they think you should fear them because they have 'power'.

I do not have fear for people who abuse their power like that. I felt these cops were abusing their power by blocking the driveway. They were just sitting there for no reason.

The one cop comes out and starts giving me attitude because I honked at them. He accused me of having road rage. I didn't appreciate him overreacting to my honking. He expected that I get out of my car and tell them politely.

That is BS!

The cop shouldn't have taken my honking personally but as a common signal from one driver to another, to get out of the way.

I took down his name and he gave me his badge #. His attitude already put me in defensive mode. This is my territory and they were in the way for no legitimate reason only because they were too lazy to park on the street.

I also didn't appreciate him saying I have road rage because I am actually a calm and laid back driver.

He proceeded to tell me that a man fell out of the window (there are only 3 stories and a basement in my building) and that there were ambulances. I didn't hear any sort of that nonesense going on and either that person attempted suicide or he was 'pushed' out because this building has no balconies. He clearly was trying to guilt trip me and make me feel bad but doing that kind of psychological abuse doesn't usually work on me.

If there an ambulance blocking the driveway, I probably would have not honked because ambulances usually don't have this power mentality that I find cops tend to have and usually they are busy working and not taking the easy way like these cops were doing as they clearly could have been parked on the street. Their job did not require that they block this driveway.

I will complain to the police department about the arrogance of this cop because his partner yelled at me as well for honking. Talk about childish! Afraid of a civilian honking their horn? (personally I think cops like this are weak on the inside and only gravitate towards jobs like this so they automatically get this feeling of power and authority... people with real power are humble and do not feel the need to act tough to intimidate people, which I find many cops try to do)

I came back to my apartment after an hour and a half and these lazy jerks were still blocking the driveway. Clearly there was no need for them to be doing so, so it just proves that they were being lazy asses in the first place and they were just giving me attitude because I called them out on their laziness.

Where's the Work?

Greetings all,

I am still looking for a job and managed to have an interview last week. I don't know if I got the job so I am still looking. Where is the work? My Employment Insurance is running out in 2 weeks and I am getting desperate for work!

I hope something comes up soon as I may have to temp until I find a permanent job.

Yes I am in Love with Stewart Griffin

Greetings and Salutations,

I do not have cable and so I don't get to watch The Family Guy too often. I will usually check out an episode on my friend's tv when visiting (no I do go visit my friend because I like her not just to watch her tv).

But let me confess that there is something about Stewart that just makes me want to have his baby. Something about him just turns me on.

I found out that his character is gay, but that doesn't stop the love that I feel for him. He is the first gay person I actually desire romantically. You know how there are chicks out there who are just so darn drawn to gay men. I was never like that.

But now I am.

I think what makes me want him is his desire for World Domination. That is something I desire as well. Me and Stewie think alike and maybe that is why I love him and desire him so.

I know if Stewart and I were to hook up, it would be wrong because he is under age and that would be criminal. The fact that he is animated... well I think we could work around that.

But I would wait for Stewart. Mind you, I'd have something on the side and when he becomes a full adult, I would try to persuade him. I don't know if I'd be successful but I'd at least give it a whirl!

I just want to hold you and love you Stewart. Make love to you and tell you all my secret fears and my desires for World Denomination. And then we can eat ice cream with sprinkles - together.


Wouldn't we make a good couple?

Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

Greetings all,

I have always thought this expression was total bullshit and I still do. For some reason I cannot accept it. Things do happen but sometimes it is just random. I may have experienced a few serendipitous moments in my life but when things don't work out, I don't feel the need to constantly just say, everything happens for a reason.

Why do people always need to find some catchy expression to make sense of what goes on in their life? I mean, I guess for most people, it is a form of delusion. For me, I think I am comfortable accepting things as they are and instead of falsely comforting myself with trite expressions like 'everything happens for a reason', I just think 'whatever' or 'c'est la vie'.

What annoys me too is it gives people the license to just stay passive. I understand in life that we can't always press upon the universe for certain things when we want them - maybe they will occur at another time - but I also believe in being persistent and there is a fine line between being persistent and forcing things.

Sometimes I think people just say that as a way of giving up. Sometimes I find it justified but most of the times I don't.

For example, I had an appointment with someone and I had to cancel it due to a snowstorm. Does it make sense to say that this happened for a reason? It just happened and it was probably best for me to not venture out into the snow unless I had to. It just happened and common sense would dictate not to do anything that was potentially risky (i.e. driving during a snow storm for a non essential task). Why attribute meaning to a meaningless event? Who knows, maybe I missed out on something profound but no one will ever know.

* * *
I keep a blog because I like to express myself through writing. I am actually a little disappointed to learn that someone was reading my blog, not to hear my opinion and to read about what is going on in my life, but was only interested in satisfying their insecurity and was 'spying' on me, so to speak.

All I can say is that this person had a professional relationship to me and crossed the line and thus showed their own unprofessionalism.

If you run a business, then there may be people out there who do not appreciate or respect your services/work and that is their right. It is rather unprofessional to stalk them online and try to convince them otherwise that their business is sound and gets positive reviews.

I have blog patrol for a reason!

Life in the Big City

Greetings all,

Well I have been here in Toronto for just over a month and I think I am settling in well. I am looking for work still and hopefully something will come up soon.

I will be taking a workshop on doing a one person show so maybe that is a possible route for me to go. I just have so many comedy ideas and am trying new stuff that I am not sure which direction to go. It's just so hard being a comic genius!

I have managed to get over my fear of riding the TTC streetcar. For some reason I just was scared to get on it but one day I got over it and took it down to the Eaton Center so that I can indulge myself in Pretzel Maker goodness!

I managed to take my parents to the CN Tower on Monday as my dad has never been there and he has lived in this country for 42 years!

I haven't done too much sight seeing yet and I have 4 months to do touristy type activities. I have to be in a certain mood to do tourist stuff and frankly I am not there yet. There are some museums and other things I would like to see during the summer.

I haven't gone clubbing yet although I think I have been to a dance club here once a while ago.

I still think Barcelona is my favourite Big City. I have been to Vancouver, Toronto, Chicago, Paris, London and Barcelona but I think I liked the vibe of Barcelona the best.

Getting Old

Greetings all,

Being 30 thus far has not been good. I have been going through a lot of inner emotional transformation and frankly I would like for it to just hurry it up! I had a karmic astrology reading done over a month ago and I learned about certain planets in my chart that are in retrograde, which means those are things I have to relearn or redo. So I happen to be retrograde in Saturn, which is the planet of lessons or also known as Father Time or the Lord of Karma (although from an anthroposophical perspective, the new Lord of Karma is Christ).

I am not too much into astrology but I met this woman and she studied and learned about astrology from a karmic point of view and I liked that since I do believe in karma. I also am still going through the Saturn Return, which basically means my Saturn is back to where it started (my Saturn sign is Virgo) and it's going to be there until October.

Here is some info about the Saturn Return (since I am too lazy to explain it) that I copied as an explanation:

"The Saturn Return is a wake-up call, and this is why so many fear it's sobering realities. If you've spent your twenties in a fog, coasting on your youthful charm, it becomes obvious that your foundation is too flimsy for the long haul. When you're young, there seems infinite time to decide what you want to be "when you grow up." Well, Father Time swoops down as you're nearing 30 to say, you're all grown up now, pick a path."

Continuing on:
"The Saturn return brings with it the pressure of time, and often the first awareness of your own mortality. You take stock of what it would take to achieve those big dreams, and often a sense of dread at ever getting there. But happily, it's a time when things like disciplne, focus and clear-sight come in to give you a kind of pragmatic hope. You'll figure out what's still possible, and make the changes necessary to get on track.

It's a crossroads period, when life-altering decisions are made."

And finally:
"The Saturn return often creates a crisis that puts you face-to-face with your fears. And many of these have deep roots in your psyche, but they're also about living up to societal expectations. Saturn causes a mini earthquake to the foundations, and this enables you to shake off what's not really You."

I think I have been going through this and I think I am making progress, although my life is not as together as I would like it to be but I think at least I am on the right path and have made some fairly decent decisions but also made some stupid costly mistakes.

My life feels like a mess. I guess the concept of mess is all relative.

I do feel deep down that I do have to get this life right. This life is my chance for redemption and if I can at least make my goals a reality and gain the spiritual and material wealth that I desire, then I will feel better about whatever royal fuck ups I have done in this life or past lives.

I don't believe in making oneself feel bad about the past. The whole point is to learn, move on and never do it again.

Since I practice mantra, there happens to be mantras that can be used to help alleviate any potential negative planetary alignments. Although I was not really into this idea, I can believe that it is possible. We're all in the same planetary system, why wouldn't planets have some sort of spiritual/energetic effect on us?

I've worked with a Saturn mantra a couple of years ago because I heard about the Saturn Return concept. I thought that I probably didn't need to work on that since I give it a chance but I read that you can chant it each time it changes signs, which is every 2.5 years. I figure since it is retrograde in my chart, then I probably should take this mantra more seriously because I would like to learn the lessons I have set up for myself in this lifetime.

While I have tried to live my life honestly, there are parts of me that have kept me from being my real and authentic self and I have been working on shedding and letting go of that which no longer serves me but it can be too much at times.

* * *
I know I am getting old because I now start to get tired around 9-10 pm whereas before I could stay out later and not yawn.

* * *
I know I am getting old because I now feel like I can no longer engage in random sex (although never really was like that). But now I am insisting on having feelings for the person. It makes me worry that if I do end up getting married, we possibly may get divorced in my 40s (either due to me becoming bored, or my mate not growing or my mate or myself undergoing some weird midlife crisis thing) and then I'll end up being some middle aged sex crazed woman who ends up becoming a cougar.

I haven't sowed too many oats but I think I've sowed enough but you know sometimes you underestimate yourself.

My one fear is to be that person that gets married and in their 40s has some crisis or their partner has a crisis and they end up divorced. I am hoping that I'm not too naive in wanting to actually be with someone until 'death do we part'.

Independence Day

Greetings all,

Today I was talking to my mother. I usually call my parents a few times a week or my mother will phone me. I moved out of my parents back in August 2007 but today I think was the day my mother officially realized something profound, that many empty nesters eventually come to realize.

I was telling her what I was up to and then she said to me that I don't need her anymore. She has come to realize that I am independent and that I can take care of myself.

I think this is a good sign because now we can consciously have an adult relationship with each other, not based on me needing her but as adults.

I told her (I am a bit twisted) that she now should end her life because she has nothing going for her. Plus it will entitle me to some inheritance money and I sure could use some money.

Today shall henceforth be known as Independence Day as it marks the day my mother has acknowledged that I am Independent and no longer need my parents.

Fuck Men!

Greetings and Salutations,

Alright, let's get real. The title of this blog is basically pointing out my frustration with men so this is not going to be a pretty post. Basically I have ranted a bit about relationships but this will involve more ranting and the frequent use of the word Fuck and Fucking.

I went out to a meetup group last night for single ladies. Of course, what usually ends up happening is at some point we have a conversation about men and dating. Some bitterness is expressed and a general feeling of not understanding men occurs.

I've read some relationship books and so I feel I have some knowledge about men. Plus I have socialized with men and have men friends. I think I have some understanding that men are basically alot more simpler then women.

I'm just angry because men are fucking stupid sometimes. Sure we are told women are the emotional ones but really the reality is men are fucking stupid when it comes to emotions and it takes a real men to get this concept of emotional intelligence.

Men run away from a good woman out of fear and then come back after months. Does that make sense? Maybe in a man's world but not for a woman.

I'm angry because being a woman is probably a million times harder then being a man. We have to worry about looking attractive. We have to have babies within a certain time frame and we hear our biological clocks ticking. Men don't fucking have that feeling at all and it creates a real drive within a woman. Men can make babies when they are in their 70s for fuck sakes! Men don't have periods. Men can fucking leave a baby behind and not have the responsibility of raising it (although some women have abandoned their children but percentage wise, it's usually the men in the majority and the women a minority)

Men, here is an important message in case you haven't figured it out:
You have it fucking easy. Grow up already!

I saw there was a meetup group for men to understand women. I messaged the organizer because I think that's a good step for men. How many fucking women make the effort to get to understand men? Plenty, let me say. I wonder why many men actually make the effort to understand women (as people not just as something to sexually take advantage of)?

To me, men just all seem to be busy focusing on work, playing their stupid video games or racing or watching/playing sports to actually take the time to assess women. It really makes me wonder if they actually think about the people that they care about because on the surface it just doesn't really look it since men always seemed more preoccupied with THINGS rather then their interactions with PEOPLE, unless of course it involves the use of a technological gadget like texting on a Blackberry.

Basically men are just boys.

Anyways, I have read and heard about men complaining about how easy it is to be a woman but really it isn't for reasons I have discussed. That is just basically men being childish. Women haven't even been recognized as humans in many countries until the late 1800s or early 1900s. Women still aren't even recognized as humans in many countries and cultures. Men have always been recognized as humans. You've always run the show and caused a lot of trouble resulting in murders, destruction and violence. Some of you have evolved enough to realize that that is wrong.

I try to see things from the male perspective and so I can understand a bit from how they see things. But I basically think men have to put more effort into relationships and understanding women. It's just not about bringing home the bacon anymore since women now can do that and can take care of themselves financially.

But relationships are two way streets. Women can't be expected to do all the work and to learn about men. Men it's time you stepped up to the plate.

And have the fucking balls to admit when you are wrong about something or are not being honest with a woman about your fears. It's childish!

* * *
I understand that as a woman, I have my own biases towards relationships and may have difficulty taking a broader perspective simply because I am on Team Estrogen. I understand that on some level most men and women want the same thing, which is basically love, a supporting partner and sex. Come on you'd be lying if you didn't want to admit you want sex as well!

* * *
I am also tired of the single life and many people probably think it's great to be single. People think I have so much freedom. It's not great because I think for most people it's a basic human desire and need to want a companion and it is very frustrating to be looking and not finding someone who 'fits'. Then all them fucking idiots who are happy in relationships throw out stupid cliches to make you feel better like "you're better off being alone" or "you'll find someone when you stop looking"

FUCK OFF!
Those statements are all total bullshit! A good man isn't just going to come to my apartment.
"Hey I'm Jack, are you Paula, cause I got this message that you were my soulmate and I was also given your address, how convenient and kind of the universe!"

That never FUCKING happens!

It's a lot of work to go out and date people and to search for someone and it's annoying because there are some people who find someone who is right for them so much sooner and it's just doesn't seem fair to me.
It's like always being passed over for a promotion. You know you've got the goods and the skills and you just don't understand why you are not advancing.

Being single is painful, whether people want to admit it.
I am for the most part secure in who I am and have a certain level of self love and respect for myself but you can feel this pain when you are at parties and you are surrounded by couples.

But I feel the pain the most when I go to bed at night and fall asleep in my bed with no one next to me. There is an obvious lack that I feel that many couples take for granted.

Couples take what they have for granted and then trivialize the whole Single experience for us with their trite expressions. Maybe you think you are showing sympathy but you are really showing insensitivity.

This world basically boils down to the Haves and Have Nots.

You couples are in the Haves category whereas the Singles are in the Have Nots. People who have money and good jobs are in the Haves category whereas those who are poor are in the Have Nots. People with great health are in the Haves category. The sick and infirm are in the Have Nots. Doesn't it make more sense to appreciate what you have if you are in the Haves category and to stop patronizing those in the Have Nots category?

Stop complaining about your mates because there is obviously something that drew you to them in the first place. Don't talk about how hard it is to have someone. It's harder to NOT have someone. If you don't like your mate, leave!

Stop having your fucking affairs. Can't you just appreciate what you have instead of going after other single people. Leave the singles for the singles. Don't take more of what you already have. It's selfish.

* * *
I think this is what it boils down to.

We humans are by nature social creatures. Here this topic of singleness gets trivialized because no one really wants to admit that Men need Women and Women need Men. And not need in the sense that they make us happy because that's not true at all. We are all individuals and thus are responsibility for our individual happiness but part of happiness includes having co-operative relationships with people, such as friends or colleagues or a mate.

Purpose vs Lawfulness

Greetings all,

I watched a few weeks ago a movie staring Wayne Dyer entitled "Ambition to Meaning (Finding your Life's Purpose)". I thought it was an interesting movie but Dyer has made one of the many common errors that Rudolf Steiner talks about in Chapter 11 of Philosophy of Freedom. Since I was just completing that chapter for my online You Tube project, I had that concept on my mind. This chapter is about Purpose and in Steiner's day (which it still seems to be alive and well now) people believed that things had a purpose. Like animals served a purpose or things were created for a purpose. Steiner's argument was that Purpose could only be applied to the field of human action. So if I decide to go to school, that is my purpose. Whatever one has for an intention, they create purpose through their actions.

Dyer makes the huge error when in the movie he states that an acorn has a purpose. In Chapter 11, Steiner refers to that as Lawfulness. So what people typically assign as Purpose, in reality it is Lawfulness. The chapter is super short and so I recommend reading it because that is really the whole point in that chapter.

Dyer creates this whole world view based on this idea. Although I like some of what I saw in the movie, I am a firm believer in forming clear and precise concepts and here he uses the word Purpose incorrectly. It is in fact Lawfulness.

The world is not necessarily purposeful. What we perceive in the world is Lawfulness. That things have a certain order and structure and laws. That is not Purpose and much like what Steiner said, Purpose is only applicable to human action.

Steiner also talked about how the scientists in those days felt we had to understand the Purpose of nature and of the things within the world to truly know it but we do not.

Today I came across a podcast that basically used this false concept of Purpose. It can be found at: https://www.sciam.com/podcast/episode.cfm?id=why-people-believe-what-they-do-09-04-10&sc=WR_20090415&posted=1

I listened to half of it and the purpose of these experiments was to understand people's thought processes. The psychologist really did not make sense because she said at one point they conducted experiments where they asked people questions like "Why does it rain?" or "Why do owls have big eyes" to see how they answer it. One of her statements was owls have big eyes to see better, etc but I was quickly reminded of how Steiner talked about how scientists (this bitch was no high quality scientist BTW... what I call an intellectual poser!) would confuse Purpose with Lawfulness.

The first problem with this woman's argument was why even ask people these questions? There really is no answer and it forces people to make up some stupid answer when we all know the real answer is "I don't know" because no one really knows and it really is IRRELEVANT in our search for knowledge. Does it matter why an owl's eye is large? Just study it for god's sake. Why does it rain? It just does, does knowing why it rains help me with understanding the process, Fuck no! Do you think these people will honestly answer that? No they will BS their way because no one likes to be perceived as STUPID. Ms. Lombrozo, you of all people should know that.

Secondly, as a scientist, you do not study the WHY but the HOW, the process. You just study and observe and create experiments. Whether an owl has big eyes and if it helps them to see better is irrelevant of a connection. There are plenty of species out there with small eyes and great vision. Again, no co-relation but because the 'scientist' is insistent that things have a purpose, they make these false leaps in knowledge.

I believe this woman's argument is based on the faulty use of the idea of Purpose and thus is forming poor scientific data and conclusions.

Again this woman's field is psychology which is concerned with the WHY of human behaviour and she has falsely carried that over into the field of science. Science, however, does not care about the Why. It just studies things as they are. It doesn't need to know the purpose of things. The question why is really only used to help understand a process better but sometimes asking the question why just gets in the way and leads to nowhere, especially when trying to figure out the purpose of things that we ourselves did not create.

The whole reason she is confusing Purpose with Lawfulness is because her field is psychology and not science, and psychology deals with human action and it is considered okay to apply Purpose to many things as long as it pertains to human action.

I just have been noticing lately thanks to working on my Steiner project, how people are creating these false world views based on this simple confusion between Purpose and Lawfulness.

Who said a man who lived from 1867-1925 was still irrelevant??!!

Vonage Review/Testimony/Complaint/Warning

Greetings and Salutations,

I am posting about my experience with Vonage, a digital phone company. I recently canceled my service with them and I ended up being charged a disconnect fee of $50 because I was to stay with them for 2 years (I think that is absurd anyways, I've never had a job that lasted for 2 years, how can you expect people to stay with you with the way our economy is?? 2 years is an unrealistic commitment!). I don't ever recall being properly communicated that I was to stay with them for 2 years. I also called them 3 times and initially asked them what their procedure was on disconnection as I had to disconnect my internet service and was notified that I have to give them a 30 days so I assumed there must be some similar process. I was told that I could just disconnect. I was not notified of the disconnect fee and the 2 year commitment.

I wrote them a letter complaining and basically demanding a refund of that fee because it was not properly communicated to me. My letter will discuss the rest of the story. I advise people to not sign up with companies like this, especially if they with hold knowledge about their procedures.

So as you can tell by now, I do not recommend Vonage. Their service may have been okay but they are liars and misleading. If I had known upfront that I was to stay with them for 2 years, I may not have signed up with them in the first place.

Here is my letter:
Hello,

I am requesting a credit because I believe I was inappropriately charged the $50 disconnect fee. I called your company 3 times and it wasn't until my 3rd call that I was notified I had to pay a disconnect fee. I only agreed to it because I was actually moving that day. The first time I called your company, I inquired about the disconnect procedure as I was moving and my internet provider had a policy that you have to give them 30 day notice and I had only given 2 weeks.

I was not told at that point about the disconnect fee and I was just told that I can disconnect whenever I wanted.

I feel I was misled and when I originally signed up with Vonage, I was not told about the 2 year commitment policy.

I also am inquiring about how recent this policy came into effect because it may have occurred after I became a customer and therefore I was improperly charged a disconnect fee.

The 2nd time I called your company to request a cancellation for the following day, I was not notified of the disconnect fee. I was also not properly communicated in my first call that if you disconnect you are calling in the actual day you want disconnected so I ended up having to call a 3rd time.

Communication towards your customer is absolutely key to running a successful company and a successful one is where the customers are given clear directions about the service that they are using.

I believe your company has much work to do to become truly successful and I feel the service I received was inadequate.

I am furious about this situation because I feel lied to and cheated. Therefore I expect a credit for the disconnect fee. I never would have left Vonage if I was properly notified that I had to stay for 2 years but by the time I was told about the disconnect fee, I had already gone with another phone service.

I will not be recommending your service and in fact will be posting on my facebook and blog about how misleading your company is and my experience with this company.

I look forward to receiving my credit.

Thanks
Paula


UPDATE:
June 1 2009
I am here to inform that I did get a refund for the Disconnection Fee, however, I only got it because I complained to the Better Business Bureau. I tried to explain to Vonage via email how I didn't think it was a fair charge for me to receive but they did not acknowledge their mistake and I requested this get dealt with at the management level, which did not happen.

Yes She Was a Bitch

Greetings and Salutations,

As mentioned I had roommate issues earlier on this year. We lived together from October 2007-January 2009. I received a call from her office on March 29. I never answered it because there is really nothing to be said.

I think it has taken a while for me to completely let go of my anger towards her. I was still having nightmares where she would be entering into my apartment and I felt violated.

I thought about taking her to court but I wonder if that would be of any use.

Basically living with her was like living with a clean freak drama queen bitch and it took me a while to realize it. I mean, I could sense something was a bit off with her. I guess mainly because I just considered her a roommate and basically expected that my furniture not get destroyed and that rent is paid on time.

I think if I were ever to live with someone, I'd want someone who was normal and basically who was not like her.

The truth is I was living with a bitch and I wish I was aware of it sooner. She had emotional issues and made the stupidest things bigger then they are but the problem with people like that is sometimes they start deluding you into believing their delusions. I was lucky enough that I was not too affected.

The night I changed the locks, I had taped her as one of my friends suggested I do. This recording she was coming after me and later on I realized I could have charged her with assault. I showed my one friend the video and then went to a show I was performing in. I had some friends show up and was going to show them the tape but it was not working. I was going to tape my set but couldn't as it wouldn't let me see the tape or tape on it.

Today I decided to try again but I could not and so I put in a new tape to record on and luckily it was working again. I somehow think the universe didn't want me to go around showing people that tape. I thought about posting it up on youtube as well but I guess that is not going to happen.

I have a lot of pride in who I am and I think I am still holding on to anger because in some way she has made me look like I am the bad guy, when in reality it was her with the issues.

All I can say is:
Jenn you are a bitch and I hope all the pain and hostility your created comes back to you. I cannot wish you ill will only that what you put out goes back to you. Being a bitch and a bully is no way to live.

Happy Easter

Greetings all,

Hope everyone is enjoying the long weekend. I slept over at my parents as I went over to see friends in Hamilton and thought I'd just stay the night for Easter.

I am bored. My parents are quite boring. I need intellectual discourse or I will go mad!

Feelings

Greetings and Salutations,

Over the years, because of my qigong, mantra and yoga (now doing Kundalini yoga) practices, I have been getting more in touch with my feelings. I think I had suppressed alot and thus tended to be more head oriented and over the years I am now starting to pay attention to my feelings instead of just doing what was rational and logical and I find that really hard.

I don't know if it's our society and education as well but feelings aren't really scientific and I guess for some time now I have been accepting them as legitimate things to acknowledge.

I think the truth is that your feelings give you information about whatever situation you are in as long as you learn how to read them and understand them. I wonder if schools are teaching children to be more conscious on their feelings because I think learning about how to handle and get in touch with one's feelings would have been something I would have liked to learn at a younger age.

Second Life

Greetings and Salutations,

I was watching at my friend's place last night a show by The Fifth Estate on CBC about the internet game Second Life, which is basically a game where people can create an online persona and create whatever life they want and actually have to pay money for various things.

They featured 4 people and they ended up getting married in the online game. One woman was married with 4 children and her husband was getting upset that she spent all this time online. Another was a man who was married as well.

The married woman ended up meeting the man she married online because she wanted to see if she was in love with the real man or if she was just in love with the fantasy. I felt sorry for her family because she ended up neglecting her children and husband and was more interested in her online life.

She spent more then 8 hours a day on it and she was fortunate her husband was able to financially support her.

I found myself annoyed with her because it was obvious that she was just a lonely housewife who had way too much free time on her hands and needed to actually develop a life for herself in the real world instead of escaping into this false world. She bought her online boyfriend an island, which costs $400. How nice it must be to have that kind of money to throw around!

The other person was some man who ended up marrying in real life the woman he married in the game and he left his wife in the real world. They interviewed the new wife and she seemed to me to be a bit emotionally dependent on him. She said that she knows it sounds cliche but she said he completes her. Now I'm sure being in love and finding the right person for you must feel wonderful and comforting but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable using those words 'he completes me'. That just disturbs me. I wonder if people who are happily married for more then 10 years actually feel like that. Have I been naively believing that only I make myself happy and that finding a mate, just adds to my own sense of happiness?

Anyways, she also ended up learning some of his interests, like shooting a pistol and motorcycle riding. I guess when couples get together, if they have different interests, you probably end up learning a bit about their own. She ended up leaving her kids to marry him but they never said how old they were and I think they were older. The man has been married before as well so I think he's one of those men that don't really grasp the concept that marriage is really supposed to be 'til death do you part'.

They should do a follow up show 8 years from now as I would like to see if they are still together, which I highly doubt.

I don't really know what it's like to play the game and how you actually get to know people, but from what I saw, it seemed like people couldn't help but get emotionally involved, whether they were aware of what was going on or not.

I'm sure there has to be some people who play it and don't get so emotionally involved and just see it as a game and have an actual life to worry about. I just think it's such a big waste of time though. Why not actually focus on making your real life better?

I know when Guitar Hero came out I thought it was stupid to play because I think you are better off playing a guitar in real life but I guess playing it in moderation is okay and it can be a fun experience on its own. I guess if you don't get too caught up in Second Life, it might not be such a bad thing but I think people need to realize it's just a game and what goes on in real life is much more important.

I think playing games is good for you but I might be hesitant to try a game like that. I had my phase early on in life where I spent alot of time in chat rooms and wanting to socialize with people but I find it's too time consuming and no friendships ever really stuck. I think you won't have any lasting relationships unless you actually meet in real life and get to talk, whether by phone or in person.

Settling In

Greetings and Salutations,

I am almost settled in to my new place and it is much smaller then my old apartment. My bedroom is probably half the size it used to be but my old bedroom was perhaps a bit too big for my liking.

I am glad that my internet is up and running. I went with some 3rd party company and so got my cable installed but my internet wasn't working and since I also got a digital phone, my phone wasn't working either. So I went down to my friend to use the internet and call up the service provider.

Most of my friends are in Hamilton and my other friend lives in Mississauga. I told her last night that she is my closest friend and she was said she didn't want that responsibility and thought I meant emotionally but I corrected her and said that I meant distance wise, you are the closest person to me. And I have another friend in Erin as well.

My movers were 2 hours late and I was upset about that. They also gave me a false quote over the phone and it ended up costing me then twice as much. I will be blogging about this some more and will go down to complain to them. That was just unacceptable!

It's weird but I didn't think I was one of those people that actually cared about my home and how I live but I found out that my stove doesn't have a clock, which surprised me that I didn't notice and I also can't put my dish towels on the stove handle like in my old place and now I have to put it on the fridge handle. And that disturbs me because it looks better hanging off the stove and not a fridge!

I figure this must be a good sign that I am a woman afterall since how many men would just pissed about that???

I also have to pay for my own hydro so now I am paranoid about how much power am I using. I've been charging my laptop all the time because the battery is pretty much dead but I am not ready to start using a new battery because I bought an extra one and I want to use it after having my computer for 3 years and I don't think I've had my computer that long. I plan on owning this laptop for at least 7 years and I know with my last laptop they ran out of batteries for my laptop so I always had to keep it plugged in so I'm just paranoid that it uses alot of energy. I use my computer alot as well, since I am addicted to Facebook and checking my email fairly regularly.

In my old place since hydro was included, I'd just turn on the lights and leave them on since I have this tendency to wonder in rooms and so I might do something in my bedroom and wonder down to the kitchen, only to decide I want fresh air.

Now I make sure to shut the lights!

Atheists

Greetings all,

Okay I am actually tired of hearing the views of Atheists and how they view people who believe in god as all the same, that is, as religious freaks who are uneducated and have a disdain for rationality. I don't have a problem with people who are atheists, just these ones that have this negative view towards those that are religious.

First of all, I grew up in a Catholic school but I had my own beliefs and I now consider myself a spiritual seeker and am thus always willing to learn about spiritual and religious concepts. I am also a rational person and a supporter of Science. I don't practice religion and don't consider myself Catholic. I have some belief that there is some intelligence that runs this show. I don't like to call it god, I like to refer to it as the Universe but I guess some could consider that as god. I'm also a supporter of Anthroposophy, which is a spiritual philosophy that believes in spiritual beings such as angels, elemental beings (aka nature spirits).

Like any rational person, any new concept or idea that I encounter is something I am willing to consider and if it makes sense to me, I may adapt it into my world view. I like to think that I have a spiritual/religious basket and take the ideas that make sense to me and throw out whatever doesn't make sense or feel right to me. Not subscribing to any one philosophy or religion works for me.

But I am getting tired of how these atheists view the world and non-atheists.

I always saw atheists as the exact opposite of religous fanatics and find they defend their positive, usually with the same fervour as these religious fanatics. You know people, there is such a thing as The Middle Ground.

I can't seem to respect these type of atheists because they just seem to believe anyone who believes maybe there is more to this life than the material world as idiots. I believe there is something more, a spiritual world - a world that most humans cannot perceive. I don't believe in a god as well that punishes people. I don't even believe in that concept. I just believe whatever you put out comes back to you so if you go around hating people, that's what your life will be filled with.

I also don't even believe in this concept of hell. I believe we create our own suffering in life because usually suffering is a result in perception. For example, let's say 2 people lose their jobs. One person will perceive it as a blessing while the other as a curse, done to punish them. It's all in their perception of this experience that determines their outlook on life.

The bottom line for me is you are responsible for your own happiness regardless of whether there is a god or not. And just because I may believe in a god, doesn't mean god is responsible for my happiness. I believe in Free Will as well so god is probably going to give you the freedom to live your life as you want and thus allowing you to make all the mistakes you damn want and actually allowing you to suffer and experience pain.

I still have my doubts about the spiritual world but I think having doubts is normal and in fact I believe it is healthy to question things, even your own ideas. But I have had too many spiritual type experiences that as much as I would like to find a scientific explanation or something rational to make sense of them, I just think there is more to life then what appears to the naked eye.

Also I believe in religious freedom so I don't care if you believe in god or do not or do not care to even think of this topic but it's your right to believe in whatever you want. I don't have to agree with people's religious beliefs but as long as no one is getting hurt then believe away!

I can understand to some degree why these atheists attack religious people but the way I see it, they are doing the same thing to them as what has been done to them. Attacking people whose views are different from yours is not acceptable behaviour.

If you feel the need to attack people, for whatever reason, you need to take a look within and deal with whatever emotions you are experiencing.

I heard about that bus campaign where they state "there is no god so enjoy your life anyways" and I find it repulsive. My friend says that there are advertisements on the buses for other religions but I usually find that funny how some of these religious ads try to convert people. It's lame and frankly I wouldn't be persuaded. Much the same with the bus campaign. How do you know there isn't a god? I think it's actually quite ignorant to act like you know something isn't real when this topic of whether there is a god is something that has been debated over thousands of years and without a sufficient argument, these people just dismiss the existence of god???

Also, there are people out there who do believe in a god and actually enjoy life. I do enjoy life and I also happen to have a belief in a higher power. Not everyone who believes in a god or higher power believes this god is a pleasure denying one. My conception of god or a higher power is one that is loving, patient and most of all has a sense of humour.

Also what I find funny about the campaign is they act like this concept of not believing in god is new. Ummmm remember that quote by Nietzsche where he said "god is dead"? Atheism is not a new belief system, it's been around long enough and if you think you are being edgy by declaring your non-belief in god... well let me tell you, you are not edgy!

Whether you believe in god or not, it doesn't matter because we are all entitled to our own opinions and we can all respect each other in spite of different opinions about god.

Spiritual Liberation

Greetings and Salutations,

I have been practising the Gayatri for quite some time now as I have been practising mantras for about 4 years not. I had explored and practised with several different mantras but this past year and last year I have been primarily chanting the Gayatri as I have felt like I don't need to chant other mantras. My favourite is Kali though but I don't work with her energy too often because she is quite potent. I've been chanting the mantra silently at least 50% of the time for several months now and chanting silently is more potent that chanting outloud or whispering but it also is more of a challenge. In the beginning it felt like ploughing through mental sludge.

The Gayatri mantra is a meditation on spiritual light itself. You can learn more at this site as that is where I purchased my mantra CDs from.

I had an interesting dream back in December, actually on Christmas Eve. It is usually required to do a proper discipline of 40 days, although you can do shorter ones for 20 or 21 days but 40 days is the Classical approach. Typically something will occur around the 33rd or 35th day into the meditation.

I copied this from the site and it says:
"Then as you progress, you may find that things start to get in the way of your doing the discipline: You oversleep; there is some minor emergency; you get a cold, whatever. This means that you are beginning to effect the inner 'something' for which you undertook the mantra. You are beginning to encounter inner resistance. That inner resistance manifests as outer obstacles to your discipline. It has almost become a joke in many spiritual circles in which the practice of mantra is common, that something of a very surprising nature happened on day 33 or 35 of a 40 day sadhana."

I think it was significant that I had this dream on Day 33 since it was probably a result of the discipline I was doing. I didn't have any particular focus for the discipline. So back to my dream. I was with my friend and her mom (whom I have never met) and we were on some outdoor patio restaurant. There are some attractive men at my table and the table behind us and I attempted to flirt with these men but then they started turning evil on me and so I got nervous and sent them energy. I think I was sending protective energy so they wouldn't hurt us. I then hear a gentle feminine voice telling me 'not until June'.

I really struggled to make sense of what this dream meant for a few days. What the hell is not going to happen until June? I mean, I have never heard of having the ability to ward off evil. Well except when I read about the Narasimha mantra, which is a mantra to ward off evil in extremely difficult circumstances, but that seemed to be something someone had to consciously do and I wasn't chanting the Gayatri to ward myself from evil. I've heard of spiritual abilities like healing or manifesting and other strange things but is this what I have to wait for until June? I know that Gayatri is a protective mantra and wondered if this is what it is referring to? I also thought maybe it meant I won't find a boyfriend until June but that didn't make sense to me since I was trying to protect myself from them.

I continued to go about my business but trying to understand what this vivid dream meant was always in the back of my mind. I came to the conclusion that it at least must mean something good would happen, like a good shift in my life.

I awoke last night at around 5.30 am and got the feeling that 'not until June' meant for me that Maya or the spiritual veils so to speak, will be lifted for me. To what extent who knows. The link I gave above is a good one to get an overview of the concept in case you are not familiar with it. I have another book by Thomas Ashley Farrand and the Gayatri is used to help you stay in touch with your Dharma (your true purpose) but also it helps one to achieve Moksa, which is Spiritual Liberation.

Since I have had in the back of my mind that dream, I would have liked to have known sooner to what it meant specifically. Isn't the Universe a bitch sometimes? Like thanks for giving me a profound dream like that but to leave me hanging on what it meant for 3 months...
the Universe is a tease!

I know how the Universe can be sometimes and it doesn't seem to give you the answers to the questions when you want them, more in its own time, which sucks. It's cool though that the Universe finally gave me a schedule for when I can attain Spiritual Liberation. Doesn't that sound like a contradiction though, that Spiritual Liberation will occur at a given point in time, namely for June??!!

I went up to my Catholic mother and told her that I have something important to tell her and her eyes lit up but when I began telling her that I will be attaining Spiritual Liberation in June. She asked what it meant and as I explained, she gave me this weird look, like perhaps I was on drugs. This concept was completely foreign to her.

I told my old school dad as well and started to talk about how our perception of the world is an illusion because we believe we are separate from our Universe and create this duality in perception and that I'll be attaining Liberation from this false perception but he didn't really get it either.

I wonder if it was wise for the Universe to awaken me last night with this insight into my dream because now I have announced on my Facebook status that I am scheduled to attain spiritual liberation this June and now I'm blogging about it and perhaps I'll tell all my friends and rub it in their faces how now I'll be liberated and will no longer have to incarnate on planet earth unless I choose to help humanity and that I'll be free from this cycle of Death and Rebirth.

Candles

Greetings and Salutations,

I was at the Dollar Store today buying chocolate because that's really the best place to buy them. Anyways, I wandered through the store and saw candles and candle holders. This triggered in me my dislike of candles which made me realize, I need to blog about candles.

I guess since I am female and have a vagina, I therefore must be into candles but I never liked candles and you won't really find candles in my apartment.

First of all, I never understood the point of them. We have electricity and lamps, what purpose do candles serve?

The only time I bought candles was to do a 'magic spell' but that was in my early twenties and it's almost a prerequisite in your twenties or your teens to attempt some form of spell casting. Of course, you are only to do this for good as anything bad you do comes back to you 3 times. So that really is the only reason why I bought candles. And I needed 3 - black, green and white - for symbolic purposes and to burn the spell (basically my objective) that I wrote out earlier. I did that in my bedroom and actually wasn't as prepared as I should have been and it ended up smelling bad and causing a bit of a mess and my parents wondered what was going on.

I never told them of course and made up some lame excuse. My religious Catholic mother just wouldn't understand the concept of casting spells (which I don't do and only did the one time. It is not really my thing)

I actually decided to use a candle when I take a bath on occasion because I found it helped to set a relaxing mood but really that is the only time I would use them.

The only other useful time I would think to use them is during sex but really what is the point of that? Isn't the dark good enough for people? Open your curtain or blinds a touch to get the moonlight glow (or citylight glow depending where you live) if you want some moodlighting. Then you can see the soft glow of light on your lover's (or one night stand fling, depending on your attention span) skin.

Doing that is much easier instead of lighting a bunch of candles because then you don't worry about the smell after you blow them out and you don't have to worry about accidently causing a fire if your sex gets a bit wild. It has been proven that many house fires are due to candles and I am guessing it's because the sex got a bit too wild and people forgot about the candles they lit earlier.

I know for me when I use it in the bathtub, things are pretty calm.
Very unfortunate indeed.