Greetings and Salutations,
I am almost settled in to my new place and it is much smaller then my old apartment. My bedroom is probably half the size it used to be but my old bedroom was perhaps a bit too big for my liking.
I am glad that my internet is up and running. I went with some 3rd party company and so got my cable installed but my internet wasn't working and since I also got a digital phone, my phone wasn't working either. So I went down to my friend to use the internet and call up the service provider.
Most of my friends are in Hamilton and my other friend lives in Mississauga. I told her last night that she is my closest friend and she was said she didn't want that responsibility and thought I meant emotionally but I corrected her and said that I meant distance wise, you are the closest person to me. And I have another friend in Erin as well.
My movers were 2 hours late and I was upset about that. They also gave me a false quote over the phone and it ended up costing me then twice as much. I will be blogging about this some more and will go down to complain to them. That was just unacceptable!
It's weird but I didn't think I was one of those people that actually cared about my home and how I live but I found out that my stove doesn't have a clock, which surprised me that I didn't notice and I also can't put my dish towels on the stove handle like in my old place and now I have to put it on the fridge handle. And that disturbs me because it looks better hanging off the stove and not a fridge!
I figure this must be a good sign that I am a woman afterall since how many men would just pissed about that???
I also have to pay for my own hydro so now I am paranoid about how much power am I using. I've been charging my laptop all the time because the battery is pretty much dead but I am not ready to start using a new battery because I bought an extra one and I want to use it after having my computer for 3 years and I don't think I've had my computer that long. I plan on owning this laptop for at least 7 years and I know with my last laptop they ran out of batteries for my laptop so I always had to keep it plugged in so I'm just paranoid that it uses alot of energy. I use my computer alot as well, since I am addicted to Facebook and checking my email fairly regularly.
In my old place since hydro was included, I'd just turn on the lights and leave them on since I have this tendency to wonder in rooms and so I might do something in my bedroom and wonder down to the kitchen, only to decide I want fresh air.
Now I make sure to shut the lights!
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Atheists
Greetings all,
Okay I am actually tired of hearing the views of Atheists and how they view people who believe in god as all the same, that is, as religious freaks who are uneducated and have a disdain for rationality. I don't have a problem with people who are atheists, just these ones that have this negative view towards those that are religious.
First of all, I grew up in a Catholic school but I had my own beliefs and I now consider myself a spiritual seeker and am thus always willing to learn about spiritual and religious concepts. I am also a rational person and a supporter of Science. I don't practice religion and don't consider myself Catholic. I have some belief that there is some intelligence that runs this show. I don't like to call it god, I like to refer to it as the Universe but I guess some could consider that as god. I'm also a supporter of Anthroposophy, which is a spiritual philosophy that believes in spiritual beings such as angels, elemental beings (aka nature spirits).
Like any rational person, any new concept or idea that I encounter is something I am willing to consider and if it makes sense to me, I may adapt it into my world view. I like to think that I have a spiritual/religious basket and take the ideas that make sense to me and throw out whatever doesn't make sense or feel right to me. Not subscribing to any one philosophy or religion works for me.
But I am getting tired of how these atheists view the world and non-atheists.
I always saw atheists as the exact opposite of religous fanatics and find they defend their positive, usually with the same fervour as these religious fanatics. You know people, there is such a thing as The Middle Ground.
I can't seem to respect these type of atheists because they just seem to believe anyone who believes maybe there is more to this life than the material world as idiots. I believe there is something more, a spiritual world - a world that most humans cannot perceive. I don't believe in a god as well that punishes people. I don't even believe in that concept. I just believe whatever you put out comes back to you so if you go around hating people, that's what your life will be filled with.
I also don't even believe in this concept of hell. I believe we create our own suffering in life because usually suffering is a result in perception. For example, let's say 2 people lose their jobs. One person will perceive it as a blessing while the other as a curse, done to punish them. It's all in their perception of this experience that determines their outlook on life.
The bottom line for me is you are responsible for your own happiness regardless of whether there is a god or not. And just because I may believe in a god, doesn't mean god is responsible for my happiness. I believe in Free Will as well so god is probably going to give you the freedom to live your life as you want and thus allowing you to make all the mistakes you damn want and actually allowing you to suffer and experience pain.
I still have my doubts about the spiritual world but I think having doubts is normal and in fact I believe it is healthy to question things, even your own ideas. But I have had too many spiritual type experiences that as much as I would like to find a scientific explanation or something rational to make sense of them, I just think there is more to life then what appears to the naked eye.
Also I believe in religious freedom so I don't care if you believe in god or do not or do not care to even think of this topic but it's your right to believe in whatever you want. I don't have to agree with people's religious beliefs but as long as no one is getting hurt then believe away!
I can understand to some degree why these atheists attack religious people but the way I see it, they are doing the same thing to them as what has been done to them. Attacking people whose views are different from yours is not acceptable behaviour.
If you feel the need to attack people, for whatever reason, you need to take a look within and deal with whatever emotions you are experiencing.
I heard about that bus campaign where they state "there is no god so enjoy your life anyways" and I find it repulsive. My friend says that there are advertisements on the buses for other religions but I usually find that funny how some of these religious ads try to convert people. It's lame and frankly I wouldn't be persuaded. Much the same with the bus campaign. How do you know there isn't a god? I think it's actually quite ignorant to act like you know something isn't real when this topic of whether there is a god is something that has been debated over thousands of years and without a sufficient argument, these people just dismiss the existence of god???
Also, there are people out there who do believe in a god and actually enjoy life. I do enjoy life and I also happen to have a belief in a higher power. Not everyone who believes in a god or higher power believes this god is a pleasure denying one. My conception of god or a higher power is one that is loving, patient and most of all has a sense of humour.
Also what I find funny about the campaign is they act like this concept of not believing in god is new. Ummmm remember that quote by Nietzsche where he said "god is dead"? Atheism is not a new belief system, it's been around long enough and if you think you are being edgy by declaring your non-belief in god... well let me tell you, you are not edgy!
Whether you believe in god or not, it doesn't matter because we are all entitled to our own opinions and we can all respect each other in spite of different opinions about god.
Okay I am actually tired of hearing the views of Atheists and how they view people who believe in god as all the same, that is, as religious freaks who are uneducated and have a disdain for rationality. I don't have a problem with people who are atheists, just these ones that have this negative view towards those that are religious.
First of all, I grew up in a Catholic school but I had my own beliefs and I now consider myself a spiritual seeker and am thus always willing to learn about spiritual and religious concepts. I am also a rational person and a supporter of Science. I don't practice religion and don't consider myself Catholic. I have some belief that there is some intelligence that runs this show. I don't like to call it god, I like to refer to it as the Universe but I guess some could consider that as god. I'm also a supporter of Anthroposophy, which is a spiritual philosophy that believes in spiritual beings such as angels, elemental beings (aka nature spirits).
Like any rational person, any new concept or idea that I encounter is something I am willing to consider and if it makes sense to me, I may adapt it into my world view. I like to think that I have a spiritual/religious basket and take the ideas that make sense to me and throw out whatever doesn't make sense or feel right to me. Not subscribing to any one philosophy or religion works for me.
But I am getting tired of how these atheists view the world and non-atheists.
I always saw atheists as the exact opposite of religous fanatics and find they defend their positive, usually with the same fervour as these religious fanatics. You know people, there is such a thing as The Middle Ground.
I can't seem to respect these type of atheists because they just seem to believe anyone who believes maybe there is more to this life than the material world as idiots. I believe there is something more, a spiritual world - a world that most humans cannot perceive. I don't believe in a god as well that punishes people. I don't even believe in that concept. I just believe whatever you put out comes back to you so if you go around hating people, that's what your life will be filled with.
I also don't even believe in this concept of hell. I believe we create our own suffering in life because usually suffering is a result in perception. For example, let's say 2 people lose their jobs. One person will perceive it as a blessing while the other as a curse, done to punish them. It's all in their perception of this experience that determines their outlook on life.
The bottom line for me is you are responsible for your own happiness regardless of whether there is a god or not. And just because I may believe in a god, doesn't mean god is responsible for my happiness. I believe in Free Will as well so god is probably going to give you the freedom to live your life as you want and thus allowing you to make all the mistakes you damn want and actually allowing you to suffer and experience pain.
I still have my doubts about the spiritual world but I think having doubts is normal and in fact I believe it is healthy to question things, even your own ideas. But I have had too many spiritual type experiences that as much as I would like to find a scientific explanation or something rational to make sense of them, I just think there is more to life then what appears to the naked eye.
Also I believe in religious freedom so I don't care if you believe in god or do not or do not care to even think of this topic but it's your right to believe in whatever you want. I don't have to agree with people's religious beliefs but as long as no one is getting hurt then believe away!
I can understand to some degree why these atheists attack religious people but the way I see it, they are doing the same thing to them as what has been done to them. Attacking people whose views are different from yours is not acceptable behaviour.
If you feel the need to attack people, for whatever reason, you need to take a look within and deal with whatever emotions you are experiencing.
I heard about that bus campaign where they state "there is no god so enjoy your life anyways" and I find it repulsive. My friend says that there are advertisements on the buses for other religions but I usually find that funny how some of these religious ads try to convert people. It's lame and frankly I wouldn't be persuaded. Much the same with the bus campaign. How do you know there isn't a god? I think it's actually quite ignorant to act like you know something isn't real when this topic of whether there is a god is something that has been debated over thousands of years and without a sufficient argument, these people just dismiss the existence of god???
Also, there are people out there who do believe in a god and actually enjoy life. I do enjoy life and I also happen to have a belief in a higher power. Not everyone who believes in a god or higher power believes this god is a pleasure denying one. My conception of god or a higher power is one that is loving, patient and most of all has a sense of humour.
Also what I find funny about the campaign is they act like this concept of not believing in god is new. Ummmm remember that quote by Nietzsche where he said "god is dead"? Atheism is not a new belief system, it's been around long enough and if you think you are being edgy by declaring your non-belief in god... well let me tell you, you are not edgy!
Whether you believe in god or not, it doesn't matter because we are all entitled to our own opinions and we can all respect each other in spite of different opinions about god.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Spiritual Liberation
Greetings and Salutations,
I have been practising the Gayatri for quite some time now as I have been practising mantras for about 4 years not. I had explored and practised with several different mantras but this past year and last year I have been primarily chanting the Gayatri as I have felt like I don't need to chant other mantras. My favourite is Kali though but I don't work with her energy too often because she is quite potent. I've been chanting the mantra silently at least 50% of the time for several months now and chanting silently is more potent that chanting outloud or whispering but it also is more of a challenge. In the beginning it felt like ploughing through mental sludge.
The Gayatri mantra is a meditation on spiritual light itself. You can learn more at this site as that is where I purchased my mantra CDs from.
I had an interesting dream back in December, actually on Christmas Eve. It is usually required to do a proper discipline of 40 days, although you can do shorter ones for 20 or 21 days but 40 days is the Classical approach. Typically something will occur around the 33rd or 35th day into the meditation.
I copied this from the site and it says:
"Then as you progress, you may find that things start to get in the way of your doing the discipline: You oversleep; there is some minor emergency; you get a cold, whatever. This means that you are beginning to effect the inner 'something' for which you undertook the mantra. You are beginning to encounter inner resistance. That inner resistance manifests as outer obstacles to your discipline. It has almost become a joke in many spiritual circles in which the practice of mantra is common, that something of a very surprising nature happened on day 33 or 35 of a 40 day sadhana."
I think it was significant that I had this dream on Day 33 since it was probably a result of the discipline I was doing. I didn't have any particular focus for the discipline. So back to my dream. I was with my friend and her mom (whom I have never met) and we were on some outdoor patio restaurant. There are some attractive men at my table and the table behind us and I attempted to flirt with these men but then they started turning evil on me and so I got nervous and sent them energy. I think I was sending protective energy so they wouldn't hurt us. I then hear a gentle feminine voice telling me 'not until June'.
I really struggled to make sense of what this dream meant for a few days. What the hell is not going to happen until June? I mean, I have never heard of having the ability to ward off evil. Well except when I read about the Narasimha mantra, which is a mantra to ward off evil in extremely difficult circumstances, but that seemed to be something someone had to consciously do and I wasn't chanting the Gayatri to ward myself from evil. I've heard of spiritual abilities like healing or manifesting and other strange things but is this what I have to wait for until June? I know that Gayatri is a protective mantra and wondered if this is what it is referring to? I also thought maybe it meant I won't find a boyfriend until June but that didn't make sense to me since I was trying to protect myself from them.
I continued to go about my business but trying to understand what this vivid dream meant was always in the back of my mind. I came to the conclusion that it at least must mean something good would happen, like a good shift in my life.
I awoke last night at around 5.30 am and got the feeling that 'not until June' meant for me that Maya or the spiritual veils so to speak, will be lifted for me. To what extent who knows. The link I gave above is a good one to get an overview of the concept in case you are not familiar with it. I have another book by Thomas Ashley Farrand and the Gayatri is used to help you stay in touch with your Dharma (your true purpose) but also it helps one to achieve Moksa, which is Spiritual Liberation.
Since I have had in the back of my mind that dream, I would have liked to have known sooner to what it meant specifically. Isn't the Universe a bitch sometimes? Like thanks for giving me a profound dream like that but to leave me hanging on what it meant for 3 months...
the Universe is a tease!
I know how the Universe can be sometimes and it doesn't seem to give you the answers to the questions when you want them, more in its own time, which sucks. It's cool though that the Universe finally gave me a schedule for when I can attain Spiritual Liberation. Doesn't that sound like a contradiction though, that Spiritual Liberation will occur at a given point in time, namely for June??!!
I went up to my Catholic mother and told her that I have something important to tell her and her eyes lit up but when I began telling her that I will be attaining Spiritual Liberation in June. She asked what it meant and as I explained, she gave me this weird look, like perhaps I was on drugs. This concept was completely foreign to her.
I told my old school dad as well and started to talk about how our perception of the world is an illusion because we believe we are separate from our Universe and create this duality in perception and that I'll be attaining Liberation from this false perception but he didn't really get it either.
I wonder if it was wise for the Universe to awaken me last night with this insight into my dream because now I have announced on my Facebook status that I am scheduled to attain spiritual liberation this June and now I'm blogging about it and perhaps I'll tell all my friends and rub it in their faces how now I'll be liberated and will no longer have to incarnate on planet earth unless I choose to help humanity and that I'll be free from this cycle of Death and Rebirth.
I have been practising the Gayatri for quite some time now as I have been practising mantras for about 4 years not. I had explored and practised with several different mantras but this past year and last year I have been primarily chanting the Gayatri as I have felt like I don't need to chant other mantras. My favourite is Kali though but I don't work with her energy too often because she is quite potent. I've been chanting the mantra silently at least 50% of the time for several months now and chanting silently is more potent that chanting outloud or whispering but it also is more of a challenge. In the beginning it felt like ploughing through mental sludge.
The Gayatri mantra is a meditation on spiritual light itself. You can learn more at this site as that is where I purchased my mantra CDs from.
I had an interesting dream back in December, actually on Christmas Eve. It is usually required to do a proper discipline of 40 days, although you can do shorter ones for 20 or 21 days but 40 days is the Classical approach. Typically something will occur around the 33rd or 35th day into the meditation.
I copied this from the site and it says:
"Then as you progress, you may find that things start to get in the way of your doing the discipline: You oversleep; there is some minor emergency; you get a cold, whatever. This means that you are beginning to effect the inner 'something' for which you undertook the mantra. You are beginning to encounter inner resistance. That inner resistance manifests as outer obstacles to your discipline. It has almost become a joke in many spiritual circles in which the practice of mantra is common, that something of a very surprising nature happened on day 33 or 35 of a 40 day sadhana."
I think it was significant that I had this dream on Day 33 since it was probably a result of the discipline I was doing. I didn't have any particular focus for the discipline. So back to my dream. I was with my friend and her mom (whom I have never met) and we were on some outdoor patio restaurant. There are some attractive men at my table and the table behind us and I attempted to flirt with these men but then they started turning evil on me and so I got nervous and sent them energy. I think I was sending protective energy so they wouldn't hurt us. I then hear a gentle feminine voice telling me 'not until June'.
I really struggled to make sense of what this dream meant for a few days. What the hell is not going to happen until June? I mean, I have never heard of having the ability to ward off evil. Well except when I read about the Narasimha mantra, which is a mantra to ward off evil in extremely difficult circumstances, but that seemed to be something someone had to consciously do and I wasn't chanting the Gayatri to ward myself from evil. I've heard of spiritual abilities like healing or manifesting and other strange things but is this what I have to wait for until June? I know that Gayatri is a protective mantra and wondered if this is what it is referring to? I also thought maybe it meant I won't find a boyfriend until June but that didn't make sense to me since I was trying to protect myself from them.
I continued to go about my business but trying to understand what this vivid dream meant was always in the back of my mind. I came to the conclusion that it at least must mean something good would happen, like a good shift in my life.
I awoke last night at around 5.30 am and got the feeling that 'not until June' meant for me that Maya or the spiritual veils so to speak, will be lifted for me. To what extent who knows. The link I gave above is a good one to get an overview of the concept in case you are not familiar with it. I have another book by Thomas Ashley Farrand and the Gayatri is used to help you stay in touch with your Dharma (your true purpose) but also it helps one to achieve Moksa, which is Spiritual Liberation.
Since I have had in the back of my mind that dream, I would have liked to have known sooner to what it meant specifically. Isn't the Universe a bitch sometimes? Like thanks for giving me a profound dream like that but to leave me hanging on what it meant for 3 months...
the Universe is a tease!
I know how the Universe can be sometimes and it doesn't seem to give you the answers to the questions when you want them, more in its own time, which sucks. It's cool though that the Universe finally gave me a schedule for when I can attain Spiritual Liberation. Doesn't that sound like a contradiction though, that Spiritual Liberation will occur at a given point in time, namely for June??!!
I went up to my Catholic mother and told her that I have something important to tell her and her eyes lit up but when I began telling her that I will be attaining Spiritual Liberation in June. She asked what it meant and as I explained, she gave me this weird look, like perhaps I was on drugs. This concept was completely foreign to her.
I told my old school dad as well and started to talk about how our perception of the world is an illusion because we believe we are separate from our Universe and create this duality in perception and that I'll be attaining Liberation from this false perception but he didn't really get it either.
I wonder if it was wise for the Universe to awaken me last night with this insight into my dream because now I have announced on my Facebook status that I am scheduled to attain spiritual liberation this June and now I'm blogging about it and perhaps I'll tell all my friends and rub it in their faces how now I'll be liberated and will no longer have to incarnate on planet earth unless I choose to help humanity and that I'll be free from this cycle of Death and Rebirth.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Candles
Greetings and Salutations,
I was at the Dollar Store today buying chocolate because that's really the best place to buy them. Anyways, I wandered through the store and saw candles and candle holders. This triggered in me my dislike of candles which made me realize, I need to blog about candles.
I guess since I am female and have a vagina, I therefore must be into candles but I never liked candles and you won't really find candles in my apartment.
First of all, I never understood the point of them. We have electricity and lamps, what purpose do candles serve?
The only time I bought candles was to do a 'magic spell' but that was in my early twenties and it's almost a prerequisite in your twenties or your teens to attempt some form of spell casting. Of course, you are only to do this for good as anything bad you do comes back to you 3 times. So that really is the only reason why I bought candles. And I needed 3 - black, green and white - for symbolic purposes and to burn the spell (basically my objective) that I wrote out earlier. I did that in my bedroom and actually wasn't as prepared as I should have been and it ended up smelling bad and causing a bit of a mess and my parents wondered what was going on.
I never told them of course and made up some lame excuse. My religious Catholic mother just wouldn't understand the concept of casting spells (which I don't do and only did the one time. It is not really my thing)
I actually decided to use a candle when I take a bath on occasion because I found it helped to set a relaxing mood but really that is the only time I would use them.
The only other useful time I would think to use them is during sex but really what is the point of that? Isn't the dark good enough for people? Open your curtain or blinds a touch to get the moonlight glow (or citylight glow depending where you live) if you want some moodlighting. Then you can see the soft glow of light on your lover's (or one night stand fling, depending on your attention span) skin.
Doing that is much easier instead of lighting a bunch of candles because then you don't worry about the smell after you blow them out and you don't have to worry about accidently causing a fire if your sex gets a bit wild. It has been proven that many house fires are due to candles and I am guessing it's because the sex got a bit too wild and people forgot about the candles they lit earlier.
I know for me when I use it in the bathtub, things are pretty calm.
Very unfortunate indeed.
I was at the Dollar Store today buying chocolate because that's really the best place to buy them. Anyways, I wandered through the store and saw candles and candle holders. This triggered in me my dislike of candles which made me realize, I need to blog about candles.
I guess since I am female and have a vagina, I therefore must be into candles but I never liked candles and you won't really find candles in my apartment.
First of all, I never understood the point of them. We have electricity and lamps, what purpose do candles serve?
The only time I bought candles was to do a 'magic spell' but that was in my early twenties and it's almost a prerequisite in your twenties or your teens to attempt some form of spell casting. Of course, you are only to do this for good as anything bad you do comes back to you 3 times. So that really is the only reason why I bought candles. And I needed 3 - black, green and white - for symbolic purposes and to burn the spell (basically my objective) that I wrote out earlier. I did that in my bedroom and actually wasn't as prepared as I should have been and it ended up smelling bad and causing a bit of a mess and my parents wondered what was going on.
I never told them of course and made up some lame excuse. My religious Catholic mother just wouldn't understand the concept of casting spells (which I don't do and only did the one time. It is not really my thing)
I actually decided to use a candle when I take a bath on occasion because I found it helped to set a relaxing mood but really that is the only time I would use them.
The only other useful time I would think to use them is during sex but really what is the point of that? Isn't the dark good enough for people? Open your curtain or blinds a touch to get the moonlight glow (or citylight glow depending where you live) if you want some moodlighting. Then you can see the soft glow of light on your lover's (or one night stand fling, depending on your attention span) skin.
Doing that is much easier instead of lighting a bunch of candles because then you don't worry about the smell after you blow them out and you don't have to worry about accidently causing a fire if your sex gets a bit wild. It has been proven that many house fires are due to candles and I am guessing it's because the sex got a bit too wild and people forgot about the candles they lit earlier.
I know for me when I use it in the bathtub, things are pretty calm.
Very unfortunate indeed.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
News Update
Greetings all,
Today's post is just about news. Nothing exciting to report in Paula World.
I got my letter from Mensa yesterday as I took the Mensa home prep test to see if I actually had a chance to be in Mensa, which is for people who have IQs in the top 2% of the world. Well my letter said I didn't pass and I emailed to see how close or how far I was from passing and it turns out I was really close and was only 1% from passing.
FUCKING BULLSHIT!
I am one angry nerd!
Anyways I will actually go and get an IQ test which means I'd have to get a psychologist who does these tests so that I can get an actual score. I can actually get into Mensa without taking their supervised test but my IQ has to be at a certain number so I figure I'd rather just get an IQ test and if have a high enough IQ, I will just submit my application.
The good thing though is that this means that I probably am a genius so as I was out having dinner with my parents this evening, I was telling them how I will be able to brag about my intelligence and if necessary rub it in people's faces, because really what is the point of being super smart and not being able to rub your intellectual superiority over people.
Use my intelligence for good?
P-shaw!
My mother said I need to be humble but if I am around someone that is a complete idiot and a jerk, I will throw out the genius card. Hey people out there use the race card, as a nerd, I have the genius card.
I don't have a problem with people who aren't as smart as me but I have a problem when people try to act smarter then what they are and try to make it seem they are know-it-alls and are unwilling to admit when they are wrong and unwilling to learn something knew.
* * *
I've been really bored lately and I think moving will be good for me. I need to get working and probably will need a day job for a while until I can start making money in comedy. I am not sure how things will work out but I am committed to my vision for my life.
I have way too much free time at this point. I don't like the idea of working full time either because then I end up with not enough free time.
I did some packing and I have been taking things slow mainly because I think I can get all packed by the 1st.
It'll be weird and now I won't be able to see my friends in Hamilton much either.
And I'll have to change my area code, thus I will feel more estranged from my family and friends in Hamilton.
* * *
I've been going to some spiritual type meetup groups and one of them, which I only went to 3 times and stopped going because I felt we weren't learning too much and it seemed more like a yak session, I recently found out the organizer is part of some magic spells circle and they are actually power hungry and stealing people's energy using hooks (I've heard of stealing energy but never heard of using hooks). These are psychic hooks folks, not literal hooks! I was told there's 3 of them in the group and one of them is not aware that the other 2 are stealing people's energy. They cast spells and I guess don't possess enough of their own juice to make it happen so they steal fresh energy from others.
I don't know if my fellow readers believe in these things but if you are a believer in this concept of energy, then you ought to know there are people out there who pose as spiritual type people who are really power hungry and seek to take what does not belong to them for their own selfish reasons.
I was surprised to learn this because it doesn't make sense to me. You can tap into the universal energy of the world, there is no need to take people's energies for whatever reason.
And what kind of spells are these people trying to cast? I mean really, this life is about learning to love and to grow and to be of service to people. We are really here to make the ego subservient to the higher self and not the other way around where we use spiritual forces to please the power hungry ego.
Another group I was in and have decided to stop going, the same type of stuff was going on although it occurred during a reading I had with the organizer and I don't know if she was doing that during the meetup groups.
I also don't know if she is conscious of what she was doing. I had a reading with her a month and a half ago and she claimed to send energy to me. She said she was 'helping' me with during the session (said I had a curse on me, which I didn't really believe) and I ended up feeling rather tired and napped that day. The following day I felt dazed and the next day I was angry and that lasted about a day and a half.
I didn't know what happened but I went to get another reading done by someone else as someone I knew recommended this person to me. I think I had this reading done about 3 weeks afterwards. I am not someone who is 'reading happy' because I believe you need to learn to trust your own inner guidance instead of always looking outward but I think every once and a while it doesn't hurt to go to one.
This person was telling me that I had a spiritual vampire in one of the groups I was in and instantly I thought of the woman whom I had the reading with. I began to tell her my story and she said she was dumping her negative energy onto me and taking mine.
I think she was right because I never had a good feeling about this person as soon as I met her but I like many people, have a tendency to rationalize my feelings and continued to go to this meetup group. I went though because I liked the other people in the group and felt they were really positive people.
I don't know if she is aware of what she is doing and I think perhaps there is a part of her that wants to do good in the world but she does have an ego and has lots to learn if she is claiming to be part of a spiritual path.
I know that if you are engaging in spiritual pursuits, there will be people, like in anything else, who cannot walk the walk but merely talk the talk. There are what I like to call Spiritual Posers and fortunately for me, I was smart enough to realize what was going on in this group, although I wish I was more aware of it sooner.
Today's post is just about news. Nothing exciting to report in Paula World.
I got my letter from Mensa yesterday as I took the Mensa home prep test to see if I actually had a chance to be in Mensa, which is for people who have IQs in the top 2% of the world. Well my letter said I didn't pass and I emailed to see how close or how far I was from passing and it turns out I was really close and was only 1% from passing.
FUCKING BULLSHIT!
I am one angry nerd!
Anyways I will actually go and get an IQ test which means I'd have to get a psychologist who does these tests so that I can get an actual score. I can actually get into Mensa without taking their supervised test but my IQ has to be at a certain number so I figure I'd rather just get an IQ test and if have a high enough IQ, I will just submit my application.
The good thing though is that this means that I probably am a genius so as I was out having dinner with my parents this evening, I was telling them how I will be able to brag about my intelligence and if necessary rub it in people's faces, because really what is the point of being super smart and not being able to rub your intellectual superiority over people.
Use my intelligence for good?
P-shaw!
My mother said I need to be humble but if I am around someone that is a complete idiot and a jerk, I will throw out the genius card. Hey people out there use the race card, as a nerd, I have the genius card.
I don't have a problem with people who aren't as smart as me but I have a problem when people try to act smarter then what they are and try to make it seem they are know-it-alls and are unwilling to admit when they are wrong and unwilling to learn something knew.
I've been really bored lately and I think moving will be good for me. I need to get working and probably will need a day job for a while until I can start making money in comedy. I am not sure how things will work out but I am committed to my vision for my life.
I have way too much free time at this point. I don't like the idea of working full time either because then I end up with not enough free time.
I did some packing and I have been taking things slow mainly because I think I can get all packed by the 1st.
It'll be weird and now I won't be able to see my friends in Hamilton much either.
And I'll have to change my area code, thus I will feel more estranged from my family and friends in Hamilton.
I've been going to some spiritual type meetup groups and one of them, which I only went to 3 times and stopped going because I felt we weren't learning too much and it seemed more like a yak session, I recently found out the organizer is part of some magic spells circle and they are actually power hungry and stealing people's energy using hooks (I've heard of stealing energy but never heard of using hooks). These are psychic hooks folks, not literal hooks! I was told there's 3 of them in the group and one of them is not aware that the other 2 are stealing people's energy. They cast spells and I guess don't possess enough of their own juice to make it happen so they steal fresh energy from others.
I don't know if my fellow readers believe in these things but if you are a believer in this concept of energy, then you ought to know there are people out there who pose as spiritual type people who are really power hungry and seek to take what does not belong to them for their own selfish reasons.
I was surprised to learn this because it doesn't make sense to me. You can tap into the universal energy of the world, there is no need to take people's energies for whatever reason.
And what kind of spells are these people trying to cast? I mean really, this life is about learning to love and to grow and to be of service to people. We are really here to make the ego subservient to the higher self and not the other way around where we use spiritual forces to please the power hungry ego.
Another group I was in and have decided to stop going, the same type of stuff was going on although it occurred during a reading I had with the organizer and I don't know if she was doing that during the meetup groups.
I also don't know if she is conscious of what she was doing. I had a reading with her a month and a half ago and she claimed to send energy to me. She said she was 'helping' me with during the session (said I had a curse on me, which I didn't really believe) and I ended up feeling rather tired and napped that day. The following day I felt dazed and the next day I was angry and that lasted about a day and a half.
I didn't know what happened but I went to get another reading done by someone else as someone I knew recommended this person to me. I think I had this reading done about 3 weeks afterwards. I am not someone who is 'reading happy' because I believe you need to learn to trust your own inner guidance instead of always looking outward but I think every once and a while it doesn't hurt to go to one.
This person was telling me that I had a spiritual vampire in one of the groups I was in and instantly I thought of the woman whom I had the reading with. I began to tell her my story and she said she was dumping her negative energy onto me and taking mine.
I think she was right because I never had a good feeling about this person as soon as I met her but I like many people, have a tendency to rationalize my feelings and continued to go to this meetup group. I went though because I liked the other people in the group and felt they were really positive people.
I don't know if she is aware of what she is doing and I think perhaps there is a part of her that wants to do good in the world but she does have an ego and has lots to learn if she is claiming to be part of a spiritual path.
I know that if you are engaging in spiritual pursuits, there will be people, like in anything else, who cannot walk the walk but merely talk the talk. There are what I like to call Spiritual Posers and fortunately for me, I was smart enough to realize what was going on in this group, although I wish I was more aware of it sooner.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Stupidest Interview Question Ever!
Greetings all,
I went out on Friday to a meetup and one of the people I met, whom I met before, works in a non profit employment counseling centre. Since I will have to find a day job soon, one of the questions I always hated to have someone ask is "what is your weakness?".
I would always rack my brain over this one because I really thought it was a stupid question. Like it was obviously a trick question and I would wonder what do they really want to know? I mean, if you answer 'wrong' you may not get the job. I know for my last job I believe I was asked this and said that I had a tendency to be late but I was working towards not doing that and have been successful but I have to make the conscious effort to be on time. So my weakness was that I had to make a conscious effort to be on time.
One of the things this woman does for her job is help people do well in interviews so I asked her what are employers looking for. She said to pick something that is not related to the work, like say if you have the tendency to be late. A good answer would be saying that you are shy since it might take you a bit longer to open up to coworkers.
I told her that I would prefer to answer the question as follows:
I don't believe in the concept of weakness as I accept myself the way I am. I believe that I have things to learn and to improve upon but I do not see them as weaknesses. Therefore I cannot answer this question because the concept of weakness doesn't exist in my mind.
I probably would have added as well that this question can be improved by asking the interviewee "What do you think you need to improve within yourself?", as I can honestly answer that question. I cannot honestly answer the question "What weakness do you have?" because as I mention earlier, the way I perceive myself, I do not perceive myself as possessing a weakness. I guess because of my spiritual practises and because I make an effort to stay in touch with my 'higher self', I identify with that rather then the 'lower self', which can improve. My 'higher self' is perfect as it is and since I can get in touch with my 'higher self' or my heart, the whole question makes no sense to me.
The woman said my answer was honest but it wouldn't work.
Isn't that fucked up though? Here employers bitch about wanting employees who can 'think outside the box' and when one actually does, they potentially may not land a job because they aren't giving the 'proper' answers??!!
Fuck off!
Just because I am honest and am not willing to just answer mindlessly a question, doesn't mean I cannot do an effective job and it doesn't mean that I won't fit in with a company. I am not a threat at all and actually enjoy getting along with people but I cannot lie and I cannot not think independently.
I went out on Friday to a meetup and one of the people I met, whom I met before, works in a non profit employment counseling centre. Since I will have to find a day job soon, one of the questions I always hated to have someone ask is "what is your weakness?".
I would always rack my brain over this one because I really thought it was a stupid question. Like it was obviously a trick question and I would wonder what do they really want to know? I mean, if you answer 'wrong' you may not get the job. I know for my last job I believe I was asked this and said that I had a tendency to be late but I was working towards not doing that and have been successful but I have to make the conscious effort to be on time. So my weakness was that I had to make a conscious effort to be on time.
One of the things this woman does for her job is help people do well in interviews so I asked her what are employers looking for. She said to pick something that is not related to the work, like say if you have the tendency to be late. A good answer would be saying that you are shy since it might take you a bit longer to open up to coworkers.
I told her that I would prefer to answer the question as follows:
I don't believe in the concept of weakness as I accept myself the way I am. I believe that I have things to learn and to improve upon but I do not see them as weaknesses. Therefore I cannot answer this question because the concept of weakness doesn't exist in my mind.
I probably would have added as well that this question can be improved by asking the interviewee "What do you think you need to improve within yourself?", as I can honestly answer that question. I cannot honestly answer the question "What weakness do you have?" because as I mention earlier, the way I perceive myself, I do not perceive myself as possessing a weakness. I guess because of my spiritual practises and because I make an effort to stay in touch with my 'higher self', I identify with that rather then the 'lower self', which can improve. My 'higher self' is perfect as it is and since I can get in touch with my 'higher self' or my heart, the whole question makes no sense to me.
The woman said my answer was honest but it wouldn't work.
Isn't that fucked up though? Here employers bitch about wanting employees who can 'think outside the box' and when one actually does, they potentially may not land a job because they aren't giving the 'proper' answers??!!
Fuck off!
Just because I am honest and am not willing to just answer mindlessly a question, doesn't mean I cannot do an effective job and it doesn't mean that I won't fit in with a company. I am not a threat at all and actually enjoy getting along with people but I cannot lie and I cannot not think independently.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
New Place
Greetings all,
I finally found myself a new apartment in Toronto. I was getting frustrated because I have been looking for several weeks and wanted to find a place back in February. I kept seeing this image of a house, actually a house an ex of mine lived in so I thought that maybe I should look for a floor in a house to rent but the few that I saw I liked, but didn't like the location.
I'll be moving to the West end of Toronto, in the Parkdale area. I am a 15 minute walk to the lake which I am happy about. I currently am a 15 minute walk from the lake and do go for a walk there every once and a while.
I had one place that I was interested but since I was unemployed, they said I needed a letter from my bank saying that my account was in good standing. I have President's Choice banking and so I spoke to them over the phone (since they have no actual store fronts) and I told them the situation and they said they would try and get it expedited. Well my letter was ready by Thursday and I found out that the place was taken. I figure it probably would have.
The only thing I don't like about my new place is the view. My current view is kick ass, largely due to the fact that I am on the 16th floor and so when I eat, I find it relaxing to look out the window.
My new place is a low rise and I am on the first floor. There is a building next door so really my view is not interesting and also there is no balcony, so I'd have to chill at the front if I wanted to sit outside.
I had found an area that I liked and it was getting frustrating because some of the buildings were either out of my budget, no vacancy and some I found negative reviews about them online.
I saw one place that was in a house and it was a nice space but some old Portuguese woman owned it and lived in it as well and although I thought she was okay, I think it would be weird to live in that situation. She had this tendency to break into Portuguese I think because sometimes I couldn't understand her and I was pretty sure there were times she wasn't speaking English. Plus I'd have to park my car on the street which I wasn't too keen on. Also since I really wanted to live by the lake, I didn't like the location and I really wanted to feel like I am living in Toronto.
I am a little nervous because although I really want to leave, going somewhere new is a little scary since I don't know what to expect and I'm going to be stuck there for a year. I know when I left my parents, I really wanted to leave but also felt like I would miss the safety and of comfort of where I currently was.
I have lots things to get going this year and hopefully things will flow better in my life. I don't think struggling with things is the way to go.
I finally found myself a new apartment in Toronto. I was getting frustrated because I have been looking for several weeks and wanted to find a place back in February. I kept seeing this image of a house, actually a house an ex of mine lived in so I thought that maybe I should look for a floor in a house to rent but the few that I saw I liked, but didn't like the location.
I'll be moving to the West end of Toronto, in the Parkdale area. I am a 15 minute walk to the lake which I am happy about. I currently am a 15 minute walk from the lake and do go for a walk there every once and a while.
I had one place that I was interested but since I was unemployed, they said I needed a letter from my bank saying that my account was in good standing. I have President's Choice banking and so I spoke to them over the phone (since they have no actual store fronts) and I told them the situation and they said they would try and get it expedited. Well my letter was ready by Thursday and I found out that the place was taken. I figure it probably would have.
The only thing I don't like about my new place is the view. My current view is kick ass, largely due to the fact that I am on the 16th floor and so when I eat, I find it relaxing to look out the window.
My new place is a low rise and I am on the first floor. There is a building next door so really my view is not interesting and also there is no balcony, so I'd have to chill at the front if I wanted to sit outside.
I had found an area that I liked and it was getting frustrating because some of the buildings were either out of my budget, no vacancy and some I found negative reviews about them online.
I saw one place that was in a house and it was a nice space but some old Portuguese woman owned it and lived in it as well and although I thought she was okay, I think it would be weird to live in that situation. She had this tendency to break into Portuguese I think because sometimes I couldn't understand her and I was pretty sure there were times she wasn't speaking English. Plus I'd have to park my car on the street which I wasn't too keen on. Also since I really wanted to live by the lake, I didn't like the location and I really wanted to feel like I am living in Toronto.
I am a little nervous because although I really want to leave, going somewhere new is a little scary since I don't know what to expect and I'm going to be stuck there for a year. I know when I left my parents, I really wanted to leave but also felt like I would miss the safety and of comfort of where I currently was.
I have lots things to get going this year and hopefully things will flow better in my life. I don't think struggling with things is the way to go.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Taking A Break
Greetings all,
I have decided to take myself off the dating site I have been on. I am tired of dating and the effort it takes.
I don't believe in that whole expression where you'll find someone once you stop looking because it's so not true! There have been plenty of times in my life where I wasn't looking for someone and the reality was... I never found someone.
Anyways, I've had enough of dating people so I'm calling it quits and taking a break.
I will now need to buy cats.
Lots of them.
I have decided to take myself off the dating site I have been on. I am tired of dating and the effort it takes.
I don't believe in that whole expression where you'll find someone once you stop looking because it's so not true! There have been plenty of times in my life where I wasn't looking for someone and the reality was... I never found someone.
Anyways, I've had enough of dating people so I'm calling it quits and taking a break.
I will now need to buy cats.
Lots of them.
The Nice Girl
Greetings all,
Yesterday I was not in a good mood. I came to realize something unsettling Friday night during my daily meditation, which I chose not to discuss in a public setting.
Anyways, I started to feel sorry for myself and actually began to feel like, why do nice girls always finish last?
I was on a dating site and checked out their forums, which I found to be depressing and one of the topics I saw a while ago and is a common complaint of many men is they wonder why do nice men finish last?
I always thought this was just how weak people express themselves. I never liked the term nice because really what does it mean? I think for the most part I am considerate towards people and I guess a nice person is someone who isn't majorly selfish and likes to get along with people.
These people that would complain about why nice guys finish last seemed to me to be people who couldn't admit they made a mistake or had some weakness or were blind to something or someone's flaws. This to me all seems like letting yourself be taken advantage of and not setting proper boundaries. Does this mean you have finished last because you are nice? No it just means to me you haven't learned your lesson. Saying that also seemed like a form of pitying, which in reality is not productive.
Never in my life have I thought or felt like why do nice girls finish last. I have thought about why do bad things happen to good people but obviously bad things happen to both mean and good people.
I couldn't believe that I actually felt that way about myself yesterday and it embarrasses me. I know I probably engage in self pity to some degree but saying the phrase 'why do nice girls finish last?' is probably the lowest form of self pity in my eyes.
I do feel I am tired of life at times and life sucks at times and when life sucks it's hard to see what is the point of it all and it seems like good times are elusive.
I get tired of getting knocked down only to get back up again and then get knocked back down. For the most part I try to learn why I get knocked down in the first place so that it doesn't happen again but it seems like in certain parts of my life I just keep getting knocked down and I am getting frustrated I am not learning what I need to learn to move forward.
But what does it even mean to finish last? The whole statement makes no sense. Most people end up in retirement homes and not enjoying life in their last few days of life. It seems only a few die suddenly and in good health, at an old age.
I think that whole expression is just a cop out so that people don't take responsibility for their lives and I am sad to say I had felt that yesterday. Life can be ugly, messy and dirty but it also can be beautiful and fun.
We all have weaknesses and lessons to learn so I and everyone else is better off on dealing with stuff instead of engaging in self pity and being unwilling to learn from life and from our mistakes.
Yesterday I was not in a good mood. I came to realize something unsettling Friday night during my daily meditation, which I chose not to discuss in a public setting.
Anyways, I started to feel sorry for myself and actually began to feel like, why do nice girls always finish last?
I was on a dating site and checked out their forums, which I found to be depressing and one of the topics I saw a while ago and is a common complaint of many men is they wonder why do nice men finish last?
I always thought this was just how weak people express themselves. I never liked the term nice because really what does it mean? I think for the most part I am considerate towards people and I guess a nice person is someone who isn't majorly selfish and likes to get along with people.
These people that would complain about why nice guys finish last seemed to me to be people who couldn't admit they made a mistake or had some weakness or were blind to something or someone's flaws. This to me all seems like letting yourself be taken advantage of and not setting proper boundaries. Does this mean you have finished last because you are nice? No it just means to me you haven't learned your lesson. Saying that also seemed like a form of pitying, which in reality is not productive.
Never in my life have I thought or felt like why do nice girls finish last. I have thought about why do bad things happen to good people but obviously bad things happen to both mean and good people.
I couldn't believe that I actually felt that way about myself yesterday and it embarrasses me. I know I probably engage in self pity to some degree but saying the phrase 'why do nice girls finish last?' is probably the lowest form of self pity in my eyes.
I do feel I am tired of life at times and life sucks at times and when life sucks it's hard to see what is the point of it all and it seems like good times are elusive.
I get tired of getting knocked down only to get back up again and then get knocked back down. For the most part I try to learn why I get knocked down in the first place so that it doesn't happen again but it seems like in certain parts of my life I just keep getting knocked down and I am getting frustrated I am not learning what I need to learn to move forward.
But what does it even mean to finish last? The whole statement makes no sense. Most people end up in retirement homes and not enjoying life in their last few days of life. It seems only a few die suddenly and in good health, at an old age.
I think that whole expression is just a cop out so that people don't take responsibility for their lives and I am sad to say I had felt that yesterday. Life can be ugly, messy and dirty but it also can be beautiful and fun.
We all have weaknesses and lessons to learn so I and everyone else is better off on dealing with stuff instead of engaging in self pity and being unwilling to learn from life and from our mistakes.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Heart Work Sucks!
Greetings all,
I've been processing alot of stuff emotionally lately (as you can see by the frequent posts...thank goodness for blogs!). I was at a meetup last night for a night of Settlers of Catan and was talking with one of the people whom I was playing with about online dating. I said some guys ask me how my experience has been on the site (I'm using one in particular, which I won't mention here). I was saying to her I don't understand why guys ask me this question. I end up getting a bit defensive and paranoid. But the woman I was talking to says she asks that as well and usually asks out of innocence.
I was thinking how can being asked this make me defensive and paranoid? It really didn't make sense to me but it does make me feel this way.
I can see asking out of curiosity and it just makes me realize that I have some issues to work through because it really doesn't make sense why I would get defensive. I've been doing lots of meditation focusing on all of my chakras but am focusing specifically on opening my heart and I find that it is opening me up emotionally to things I have suppressed and not dealt with. I don't know why I have suppressed so much but I chalk it up to past lives because I don't think I have experience much trauma in this lifetime.
I'm unemployed and I have been using this time to process my suppressed emotions and really getting into myself. People wonder what I do all day and well basically I tell them things like I write comedy or have my anthroposophy you tube project that I am working on or I say I'm taking time for myself at least so that I can justify how I spend my time.
I guess deep down I wonder if anyone actually understands the value of processing your emotions.
I'm opening my heart center, okay that's what I've been doing these past few months.
Leave me the Fuck alone!
I know my Employment Insurance is running out and I have to get back into the real world - which is something I want to do anyways. Believe me I know how the world works. I know you need money and to work to pay the bills.
I've got shit to process. Emotional shit. And it's not easy.
I really don't want to have to do this but I feel like doing this inner work is the only way I am going to honestly move forward in my life and be truly happy.
So I know that I probably get defensive when these guys ask me this question because I don't want to get hurt. But if I try and examine why I am afraid of getting hurt, there is no legitimate reason. How can they hurt me by asking me this question? Most guys probably are asking me innocently.
I guess I'm just like everyone else who is afraid of getting hurt but doing this heart work is making me realize that as long as I take care of myself and love myself, no one can really hurt me.
I've been processing alot of stuff emotionally lately (as you can see by the frequent posts...thank goodness for blogs!). I was at a meetup last night for a night of Settlers of Catan and was talking with one of the people whom I was playing with about online dating. I said some guys ask me how my experience has been on the site (I'm using one in particular, which I won't mention here). I was saying to her I don't understand why guys ask me this question. I end up getting a bit defensive and paranoid. But the woman I was talking to says she asks that as well and usually asks out of innocence.
I was thinking how can being asked this make me defensive and paranoid? It really didn't make sense to me but it does make me feel this way.
I can see asking out of curiosity and it just makes me realize that I have some issues to work through because it really doesn't make sense why I would get defensive. I've been doing lots of meditation focusing on all of my chakras but am focusing specifically on opening my heart and I find that it is opening me up emotionally to things I have suppressed and not dealt with. I don't know why I have suppressed so much but I chalk it up to past lives because I don't think I have experience much trauma in this lifetime.
I'm unemployed and I have been using this time to process my suppressed emotions and really getting into myself. People wonder what I do all day and well basically I tell them things like I write comedy or have my anthroposophy you tube project that I am working on or I say I'm taking time for myself at least so that I can justify how I spend my time.
I guess deep down I wonder if anyone actually understands the value of processing your emotions.
I'm opening my heart center, okay that's what I've been doing these past few months.
Leave me the Fuck alone!
I know my Employment Insurance is running out and I have to get back into the real world - which is something I want to do anyways. Believe me I know how the world works. I know you need money and to work to pay the bills.
I've got shit to process. Emotional shit. And it's not easy.
I really don't want to have to do this but I feel like doing this inner work is the only way I am going to honestly move forward in my life and be truly happy.
So I know that I probably get defensive when these guys ask me this question because I don't want to get hurt. But if I try and examine why I am afraid of getting hurt, there is no legitimate reason. How can they hurt me by asking me this question? Most guys probably are asking me innocently.
I guess I'm just like everyone else who is afraid of getting hurt but doing this heart work is making me realize that as long as I take care of myself and love myself, no one can really hurt me.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Cleaning Dishes Theory
Greetings all,
I'm not one of those people that obsesses over cleaning up after myself. I'm not a slob either and so I am in the middle. Not the cleanest but certainly not the messiest.
My friend and former roommate were the type of people that couldn't go to bed if they didn't have their dishes clean. It would bother them. I like my friend. My former roommate... we've established she is crazy.
So these people demonstrate an obsessiveness towards cleaning and my theory on why some people are obsessive over cleaning is because they have some belief that they have where they equate their character with having a clean place. Basically somewhere in their mind, they believe that if things are not clean, they are a bad person.
I don't have that belief about myself, mainly because I know I'm a good person and whether I keep my apartment perfectly clean is not a reflection of my innate goodness. I am still wonderful even if I do the dishes every other day. I can be as messy as I want to be and I am still lovable.
It just makes me an untidy person, not a bad person, or an unworthy or unlovable person.
So for these people who are anal about cleaning, it is time they take a good look at the beliefs they have about being clean because the reality is a good person doesn't have to be perfectly clean.
I'm not one of those people that obsesses over cleaning up after myself. I'm not a slob either and so I am in the middle. Not the cleanest but certainly not the messiest.
My friend and former roommate were the type of people that couldn't go to bed if they didn't have their dishes clean. It would bother them. I like my friend. My former roommate... we've established she is crazy.
So these people demonstrate an obsessiveness towards cleaning and my theory on why some people are obsessive over cleaning is because they have some belief that they have where they equate their character with having a clean place. Basically somewhere in their mind, they believe that if things are not clean, they are a bad person.
I don't have that belief about myself, mainly because I know I'm a good person and whether I keep my apartment perfectly clean is not a reflection of my innate goodness. I am still wonderful even if I do the dishes every other day. I can be as messy as I want to be and I am still lovable.
It just makes me an untidy person, not a bad person, or an unworthy or unlovable person.
So for these people who are anal about cleaning, it is time they take a good look at the beliefs they have about being clean because the reality is a good person doesn't have to be perfectly clean.
Friday, February 27, 2009
The Reality of Life
Greetings all,
I was talking to my former coworker tonight and we talked about how people were getting downsized in my former company. I have learned from life and am observing with this economic situation we are experiencing that it is pointing out the reality of life and that is no one really has control. A company can only prepare itself so much but shit happens and no one is to blame. No one really controls what happens and here we are living these lives where we try to control things and invest the time it takes to maintain these control mechanisms that we have.
It's just easier if we accept that we aren't in control of what happens to our external world and that the only control we have is over our emotions and how we chose to react to the events life throws at us.
I remember telling someone in my book group a few weeks ago that I felt panicked that I didn't have control over things but as I expressed these words, I knew I at least had control over myself but at that time that didn't seem good enough.
I wanted some control over the external world but the reality is, I'll never have that and no human will ever possibly have it.
And it really doesn't seem good enough to have control over our inner world but really when life takes things away from us, that is all we have and maybe we just need to start properly nurturing this inner self.
Our homes can be destroyed by Mother Nature, our lives can be taken away by our fellow humans, our livelihood can be taken away by the sheer lack of demand for it. But all we will ever have is what is inside our hearts.
So doesn't it make sense to take care of our inner needs and take care of our emotional business and make that as the foundation for how we go out into the world?
Let's all accept this reality that no one is in control, despite the illusion that sometimes it seems someone is in control and get down to business of living our lives.
I was talking to my former coworker tonight and we talked about how people were getting downsized in my former company. I have learned from life and am observing with this economic situation we are experiencing that it is pointing out the reality of life and that is no one really has control. A company can only prepare itself so much but shit happens and no one is to blame. No one really controls what happens and here we are living these lives where we try to control things and invest the time it takes to maintain these control mechanisms that we have.
It's just easier if we accept that we aren't in control of what happens to our external world and that the only control we have is over our emotions and how we chose to react to the events life throws at us.
I remember telling someone in my book group a few weeks ago that I felt panicked that I didn't have control over things but as I expressed these words, I knew I at least had control over myself but at that time that didn't seem good enough.
I wanted some control over the external world but the reality is, I'll never have that and no human will ever possibly have it.
And it really doesn't seem good enough to have control over our inner world but really when life takes things away from us, that is all we have and maybe we just need to start properly nurturing this inner self.
Our homes can be destroyed by Mother Nature, our lives can be taken away by our fellow humans, our livelihood can be taken away by the sheer lack of demand for it. But all we will ever have is what is inside our hearts.
So doesn't it make sense to take care of our inner needs and take care of our emotional business and make that as the foundation for how we go out into the world?
Let's all accept this reality that no one is in control, despite the illusion that sometimes it seems someone is in control and get down to business of living our lives.
Greetings and Salutations,
I was over at my friend's on Tuesday and went to pick up subs for us at Subway. It was around 7 pm and dark. I am walking on Lakeshore, a high traffic area with the occasional pedestrian. On my way back, some guy walks by me and says 'hello' and as we pass I hear him say 'you're beautiful'.
I enjoy compliments as much as the next person and occasionally pester people for compliments to stroke my ego. At least I know I want my ego stroked so knowing that I want my ego stroked, seems harmless.
Another incident happened while I was on a date with a guy. We were at this dessert place and this man, probably in his 40s - who also happen to be sporting the homeless man look - kept staring at me. He was with a couple of friends. I wondered why he kept staring over at me and my date said it was because I was attractive.
I guess I am attractive but at the same time, I don't get it. Why did that first guy on the street say I am beautiful? When a stranger says something like that to you, I always wonder if they are crazy and have a sane mind. But really what are you supposed to do when you see someone who is a stranger and whom you find attractive?
The guy sporting the homeless man look... what was he really thinking? I wonder to myself, is there something showing that shouldn't be, do I look funny?
I don't think I am insecure but I usually approach things like that from a different angle. If guys are staring at me, I usually don't think it's because of my looks.
My ex friend was a hottie and I would tell him that but he just didn't think he was and I guess I am the same way although I do look in the mirror and think I am hot but then I forget about it and focus on other things.
So maybe that's why I don't get that whole hot/beautiful concept because I focus on it on certain times and moments and usually when I get compliments I am focused on other things.
Damn it I just want people to fawn over me when I am doing it to myself. Or fawning over me when I tell them to, not out of their own free will! Sheesh...
Synchronize your worshiping of me when I am worshiping myself...
Is that too much to ask??!!
I was over at my friend's on Tuesday and went to pick up subs for us at Subway. It was around 7 pm and dark. I am walking on Lakeshore, a high traffic area with the occasional pedestrian. On my way back, some guy walks by me and says 'hello' and as we pass I hear him say 'you're beautiful'.
I enjoy compliments as much as the next person and occasionally pester people for compliments to stroke my ego. At least I know I want my ego stroked so knowing that I want my ego stroked, seems harmless.
Another incident happened while I was on a date with a guy. We were at this dessert place and this man, probably in his 40s - who also happen to be sporting the homeless man look - kept staring at me. He was with a couple of friends. I wondered why he kept staring over at me and my date said it was because I was attractive.
I guess I am attractive but at the same time, I don't get it. Why did that first guy on the street say I am beautiful? When a stranger says something like that to you, I always wonder if they are crazy and have a sane mind. But really what are you supposed to do when you see someone who is a stranger and whom you find attractive?
The guy sporting the homeless man look... what was he really thinking? I wonder to myself, is there something showing that shouldn't be, do I look funny?
I don't think I am insecure but I usually approach things like that from a different angle. If guys are staring at me, I usually don't think it's because of my looks.
My ex friend was a hottie and I would tell him that but he just didn't think he was and I guess I am the same way although I do look in the mirror and think I am hot but then I forget about it and focus on other things.
So maybe that's why I don't get that whole hot/beautiful concept because I focus on it on certain times and moments and usually when I get compliments I am focused on other things.
Damn it I just want people to fawn over me when I am doing it to myself. Or fawning over me when I tell them to, not out of their own free will! Sheesh...
Synchronize your worshiping of me when I am worshiping myself...
Is that too much to ask??!!
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Politics of Being a Girl
Greetings all,
I was talking with one of my friends on Saturday and we used to go to the same high school for about 2 years but then she moved away. We didn't know each other in high school but my one friend was friends with someone and I became friends with that person who was friends with this girl who I was talking to and who I consider my friend now.
Anyways, these people I knew in high school, when we get together we talk about high school for some odd reason. I normally don't like to talk about the past but it comes up sometimes.
My friend was telling me about this one girl, Nada, who left the high school after a year and I found out it was the same girl that picked on me. I told my friend of the time when I was in grade 9. I was still hanging out with my friends from elementary school and one of them had a boyfriend and they were trying to do the standard 'trying to find Paula a boyfriend' scheme (BTW I was no longer hanging out with them when I was in grade 10. They went weird on me and became mean). They wanted me to go after this one guy named Tom and although he was cute I don't think I was really interested in him. This guy was in the same social circle as my friend's boyfriend. I liked a couple of other guys in that group but I don't recall if I kept that to myself or shared that with my friends.
They had me call up this guy on a Sunday afternoon. I was shy and I really didn't want to but I did just to get my friends off my back about this. I don't know if I actually talked to him but I am pretty sure I hung up on him after he said hello to me. I was really scared and so I panicked.
The next day 2 girls came up to me, in a non-friendly manner, about why I hung up on Tom. The one girl, Kelly who was in grade 10, I found her to be intimidating and she was a bit bigger and taller then me (me being 5'6"). The other girl was Nada. These 2 girls, only confronted me the one time but it deeply frightened me.
I usually kept to myself and so was quite taken aback when they confronted me about this. Me being the introvert, didn't know what to say and frankly I shut down and had little to say. For the rest of my high school years, seeing Kelly made me uncomfortable. She was in one of my classes as well either when I was in grade 10 or 11.
I didn't find Nada intimidating, mainly because she was shorter then me. Since she left the high school, I never had to deal with the uncomfortableness of seeing her.
My friend was telling me that apparently both of these girls had crushes on Tom and so I now understood why they came after me. They perceived me as a threat. The reality was that I wasn't a threat and wasn't even interested in this guy.
I am pretty much over the pain of my high school years and so this story amuses me mildly.
I call this post The Politics of Being a Girl simply because some girls are like this. They just confront you on stupid things like hanging up on a boy. It's really up to the boy to decide if he likes you and there is no point in fighting over a boy.
I never believed in fighting for a man and I never have and never will. No man is ever worth to me to fight over another woman with.
My friend's mother instilled in her to let the boys chase after you and sometime last year she gave me advice (which I honestly probably didn't pay attention to) to date multiple guys and don't give up the sex early and let them pursue you. It took me a few books and much emotional processing to finally come to that understanding. I think she was very lucky to have learned that lesson and I am glad to have learned that as well, even though I didn't learn it as quickly as I would have liked.
I was talking with one of my friends on Saturday and we used to go to the same high school for about 2 years but then she moved away. We didn't know each other in high school but my one friend was friends with someone and I became friends with that person who was friends with this girl who I was talking to and who I consider my friend now.
Anyways, these people I knew in high school, when we get together we talk about high school for some odd reason. I normally don't like to talk about the past but it comes up sometimes.
My friend was telling me about this one girl, Nada, who left the high school after a year and I found out it was the same girl that picked on me. I told my friend of the time when I was in grade 9. I was still hanging out with my friends from elementary school and one of them had a boyfriend and they were trying to do the standard 'trying to find Paula a boyfriend' scheme (BTW I was no longer hanging out with them when I was in grade 10. They went weird on me and became mean). They wanted me to go after this one guy named Tom and although he was cute I don't think I was really interested in him. This guy was in the same social circle as my friend's boyfriend. I liked a couple of other guys in that group but I don't recall if I kept that to myself or shared that with my friends.
They had me call up this guy on a Sunday afternoon. I was shy and I really didn't want to but I did just to get my friends off my back about this. I don't know if I actually talked to him but I am pretty sure I hung up on him after he said hello to me. I was really scared and so I panicked.
The next day 2 girls came up to me, in a non-friendly manner, about why I hung up on Tom. The one girl, Kelly who was in grade 10, I found her to be intimidating and she was a bit bigger and taller then me (me being 5'6"). The other girl was Nada. These 2 girls, only confronted me the one time but it deeply frightened me.
I usually kept to myself and so was quite taken aback when they confronted me about this. Me being the introvert, didn't know what to say and frankly I shut down and had little to say. For the rest of my high school years, seeing Kelly made me uncomfortable. She was in one of my classes as well either when I was in grade 10 or 11.
I didn't find Nada intimidating, mainly because she was shorter then me. Since she left the high school, I never had to deal with the uncomfortableness of seeing her.
My friend was telling me that apparently both of these girls had crushes on Tom and so I now understood why they came after me. They perceived me as a threat. The reality was that I wasn't a threat and wasn't even interested in this guy.
I am pretty much over the pain of my high school years and so this story amuses me mildly.
I call this post The Politics of Being a Girl simply because some girls are like this. They just confront you on stupid things like hanging up on a boy. It's really up to the boy to decide if he likes you and there is no point in fighting over a boy.
I never believed in fighting for a man and I never have and never will. No man is ever worth to me to fight over another woman with.
My friend's mother instilled in her to let the boys chase after you and sometime last year she gave me advice (which I honestly probably didn't pay attention to) to date multiple guys and don't give up the sex early and let them pursue you. It took me a few books and much emotional processing to finally come to that understanding. I think she was very lucky to have learned that lesson and I am glad to have learned that as well, even though I didn't learn it as quickly as I would have liked.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Why I Dislike Know-It-Alls
Greetings all,
I had a coffee date with someone I met online. I could tell he wasn't my type based on the 2 phone conversations we had.
We had decided to meet at Chapters and this one didn't have a Starbucks. He assumed they all have Starbucks so he wasn't anticipating it not having one. I actually never went to that Chapters but I guess maybe intuitively I knew it didn't have a Starbucks so I said on the phone that maybe it doesn't have a Starbucks and he just assumed they all do, which I responded to by saying that not all of them do have a Starbucks.
Well it turns out I was right.
Anyways, we went to a Licks a few stores down and he asked what I did that day so I told him I was working on my You Tube project where I talk about Rudolf Steiner's book Philosophy of Freedom. He asked me what the book was about and so I proceeded to tell him the theories he outlines and how Steiner says Freedom is the highest level of morality achieved. I pointed out his concept of reality being the combination of percept (an object of observation eg something you can see, touch, hear, etc) and concept.
He proceeded to say how wrong this concept of Freedom was and frankly it started to irritate me. First of all, if you haven't read the book, stop acting like an expert. I can see arguing the ideas, based on what I say but to just act like you've poked holes in the book and thus proved it to be inaccurate and just the author's opinion got on my nerves.
I talked about it a bit more and pointed out how you have to have some understanding of history as well to appreciate his ideas and then he points out how he has a degree in Political Science.
So... what?
I've dated a guy who had one as well but that's not history, it may just cover the history of Politics but if you want to know more about history, you get a history degree.
The way I see it, everything is really just one perspective and the whole point is to get things from as many different angles as possible to form a good conception of reality. These know-it-all types just have one point of view and think that's it and they are right.
Get lost I say!
He made a few points I could agree with but I just found him too mentally rigid. You've got to be flexible and creative when it comes to knowledge. Your world view needs to be adaptable because what was true today may not be true tomorrow and what was false today may not be false tomorrow.
He was arguing that people are too lazy to take freedom too seriously, which I can believe to some degree. Sure people don't vote sometimes but it's really because people don't appreciate the rights that they do have. I'm sure if you lived in a country that had a totalitarian government and then one day it was overthrown and became a legitimate democratic government, you'd get off your ass and make sure you vote.
I think many people in these G8 countries take what freedoms we have for granted. We think we know poverty when we don't. We have access to clean water, garbage removal, healthcare, etc and there are places that don't have any of that.
He argued people only want freedom for superficial things like going to Wendys or McDonalds. I likened this to kids growing up rich. They just grew up knowing this reality of having it all so they need to realize how fortunate they are and that not everyone grew up with having whatever they want. Not everyone grows up living in a free country.
I disagree mainly because people go to wars and die so that we all can enjoy the freedoms we have. I may not live in a perfect country but at least it provides my basic freedoms.
It really is up to the individual to decide how politically involved they want to be. Whether it's just knowing what's going on politically, or taking a more active role like participating as a volunteer in a political campaign.
Democracy is not a spectator sport and people need to realize that to have a democratic country took some work and some sacrifice by people who fought and struggled. The least we can do is appreciate the work that went into forming a democracy. It's also going to take some work and effort to maintain a democratic system as well.
Freedom is something worth fighting for and regardless of what anyone says, we all desire to be free and to feel in control of the direction of our lives.
The thing that bothered me throughout the evening was just how he had his opinion and that was it. There was no debating ideas. He had his opinions and seemed firmly attached to them. This was no fun for me. I like to debate as much as anyone but I think they are more fruitful when people are willing to modify and enhance their own perspective, based on hearing the other's point of view.
In improv, someone starts a scene and then another person comes in and adds something to the scene. The one person has their set of ideas and the other their own and the whole point is to accept each other and then make the scene work and create something different. This to me is what debating is all about. You have your ideas and they have theirs. Try to come up with something different and creative, instead of just sticking to your ideas. The scene in improv doesn't move forward unless you are willing to compromise and essentially play with your partner.
This is why I don't like know-it-alls, because they just don't know how to play.
I had a coffee date with someone I met online. I could tell he wasn't my type based on the 2 phone conversations we had.
We had decided to meet at Chapters and this one didn't have a Starbucks. He assumed they all have Starbucks so he wasn't anticipating it not having one. I actually never went to that Chapters but I guess maybe intuitively I knew it didn't have a Starbucks so I said on the phone that maybe it doesn't have a Starbucks and he just assumed they all do, which I responded to by saying that not all of them do have a Starbucks.
Well it turns out I was right.
Anyways, we went to a Licks a few stores down and he asked what I did that day so I told him I was working on my You Tube project where I talk about Rudolf Steiner's book Philosophy of Freedom. He asked me what the book was about and so I proceeded to tell him the theories he outlines and how Steiner says Freedom is the highest level of morality achieved. I pointed out his concept of reality being the combination of percept (an object of observation eg something you can see, touch, hear, etc) and concept.
He proceeded to say how wrong this concept of Freedom was and frankly it started to irritate me. First of all, if you haven't read the book, stop acting like an expert. I can see arguing the ideas, based on what I say but to just act like you've poked holes in the book and thus proved it to be inaccurate and just the author's opinion got on my nerves.
I talked about it a bit more and pointed out how you have to have some understanding of history as well to appreciate his ideas and then he points out how he has a degree in Political Science.
So... what?
I've dated a guy who had one as well but that's not history, it may just cover the history of Politics but if you want to know more about history, you get a history degree.
The way I see it, everything is really just one perspective and the whole point is to get things from as many different angles as possible to form a good conception of reality. These know-it-all types just have one point of view and think that's it and they are right.
Get lost I say!
He made a few points I could agree with but I just found him too mentally rigid. You've got to be flexible and creative when it comes to knowledge. Your world view needs to be adaptable because what was true today may not be true tomorrow and what was false today may not be false tomorrow.
He was arguing that people are too lazy to take freedom too seriously, which I can believe to some degree. Sure people don't vote sometimes but it's really because people don't appreciate the rights that they do have. I'm sure if you lived in a country that had a totalitarian government and then one day it was overthrown and became a legitimate democratic government, you'd get off your ass and make sure you vote.
I think many people in these G8 countries take what freedoms we have for granted. We think we know poverty when we don't. We have access to clean water, garbage removal, healthcare, etc and there are places that don't have any of that.
He argued people only want freedom for superficial things like going to Wendys or McDonalds. I likened this to kids growing up rich. They just grew up knowing this reality of having it all so they need to realize how fortunate they are and that not everyone grew up with having whatever they want. Not everyone grows up living in a free country.
I disagree mainly because people go to wars and die so that we all can enjoy the freedoms we have. I may not live in a perfect country but at least it provides my basic freedoms.
It really is up to the individual to decide how politically involved they want to be. Whether it's just knowing what's going on politically, or taking a more active role like participating as a volunteer in a political campaign.
Democracy is not a spectator sport and people need to realize that to have a democratic country took some work and some sacrifice by people who fought and struggled. The least we can do is appreciate the work that went into forming a democracy. It's also going to take some work and effort to maintain a democratic system as well.
Freedom is something worth fighting for and regardless of what anyone says, we all desire to be free and to feel in control of the direction of our lives.
The thing that bothered me throughout the evening was just how he had his opinion and that was it. There was no debating ideas. He had his opinions and seemed firmly attached to them. This was no fun for me. I like to debate as much as anyone but I think they are more fruitful when people are willing to modify and enhance their own perspective, based on hearing the other's point of view.
In improv, someone starts a scene and then another person comes in and adds something to the scene. The one person has their set of ideas and the other their own and the whole point is to accept each other and then make the scene work and create something different. This to me is what debating is all about. You have your ideas and they have theirs. Try to come up with something different and creative, instead of just sticking to your ideas. The scene in improv doesn't move forward unless you are willing to compromise and essentially play with your partner.
This is why I don't like know-it-alls, because they just don't know how to play.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I Like Being Right
Greetings all,
I have been attending this one meetup group where they discuss various spiritual/emotional type topics and a topic a couple of weeks ago was on would you rather be happy or be right because you can't be both. Okay in all honestly, I am willing to trade some level of happiness to be validated as right. Like maybe 2-5% of my happiness, just to bask in the after glow of being right.
The group leader made an important point of pointing out that when you are right, you are only right for the moment and then you are back to being unhappy, but if you choose to be happy, then you will always be happy.
I don't know for me, but I'm just not ready to be happy all the time. I'm comfortable with having a certain level of unhappiness because I probably don't know any better and I'm okay with that. And I don't think I like the idea of being happy all the time. I can't help sometimes to get a little angry about things or get frustrated. I am human after all and this wanting to be happy all the time non-sense, is just too much pressure for me. I just want to be real and honest with myself all the time or as much as possible. Screw this happiness crap!
I could argue as well that I am happy when I am right but I don't think that is true. Well I think it's true some of the time. I am actually quite pleased when someone who is wrong actually eventually realizes that I was right and then tells me so. It's no fun to pester people about you being right, it's more enjoyable when they come to say that you are right on their own. I delight in seeing people evolve and to me I see it as highly admirable when you can admit you are wrong (and thus proving I am right)
I sometimes think there is a problem with not being willing to stand up to someone who thinks they are right when they are not. I guess I am a bit of a fighter so I don't mind saying something that makes people uncomfortable because I still have this love for the truth. I don't realistically go around always defending what I think is truth (my idea of truth is if I can find it on wikipedia)
I see a whole flaw in this contrast of either be happy or be right. I really don't think it works like that all the time. Maybe some of the time.
I think if you are always willing to back down on being right when you are, then it just opens the door for people to take advantage of you. I think like most things in life, you have to decide which battles to fight and which ones to walk away from. I've walked away from some, but others I just won't. Somebody has to stand up for what's right and speak out when someone is spreading lies or causing harm.
BTW, I can admit to when I am wrong and do so when I realize the error of my thoughts and/or actions.
I have been attending this one meetup group where they discuss various spiritual/emotional type topics and a topic a couple of weeks ago was on would you rather be happy or be right because you can't be both. Okay in all honestly, I am willing to trade some level of happiness to be validated as right. Like maybe 2-5% of my happiness, just to bask in the after glow of being right.
The group leader made an important point of pointing out that when you are right, you are only right for the moment and then you are back to being unhappy, but if you choose to be happy, then you will always be happy.
I don't know for me, but I'm just not ready to be happy all the time. I'm comfortable with having a certain level of unhappiness because I probably don't know any better and I'm okay with that. And I don't think I like the idea of being happy all the time. I can't help sometimes to get a little angry about things or get frustrated. I am human after all and this wanting to be happy all the time non-sense, is just too much pressure for me. I just want to be real and honest with myself all the time or as much as possible. Screw this happiness crap!
I could argue as well that I am happy when I am right but I don't think that is true. Well I think it's true some of the time. I am actually quite pleased when someone who is wrong actually eventually realizes that I was right and then tells me so. It's no fun to pester people about you being right, it's more enjoyable when they come to say that you are right on their own. I delight in seeing people evolve and to me I see it as highly admirable when you can admit you are wrong (and thus proving I am right)
I sometimes think there is a problem with not being willing to stand up to someone who thinks they are right when they are not. I guess I am a bit of a fighter so I don't mind saying something that makes people uncomfortable because I still have this love for the truth. I don't realistically go around always defending what I think is truth (my idea of truth is if I can find it on wikipedia)
I see a whole flaw in this contrast of either be happy or be right. I really don't think it works like that all the time. Maybe some of the time.
I think if you are always willing to back down on being right when you are, then it just opens the door for people to take advantage of you. I think like most things in life, you have to decide which battles to fight and which ones to walk away from. I've walked away from some, but others I just won't. Somebody has to stand up for what's right and speak out when someone is spreading lies or causing harm.
BTW, I can admit to when I am wrong and do so when I realize the error of my thoughts and/or actions.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day
Greetings all,
Happy Valentine's Day. Since I am single, it's just another day for me and I'll be hanging with my female friends and hopefully have a few good laughs.
I'm on facebook and saw that they have a multi-coloured rose gift available for $500. Usually their e-gifts are $1 but they certainly were money hungry today. How insane is that? As a woman, I would never allow a man to buy me that. It's just not sensible! They had another rose for $50. I can't imagine spending that money on something unreal. I'd be happy to get some flowers, dinner and sex. Really the sex and being seduced is what I want. Hell I'd be content with having the man write me a 500 word essay on how wonderful I am.
Screw the flowers, give me the sex and an essay on me!
Happy Valentine's Day. Since I am single, it's just another day for me and I'll be hanging with my female friends and hopefully have a few good laughs.
I'm on facebook and saw that they have a multi-coloured rose gift available for $500. Usually their e-gifts are $1 but they certainly were money hungry today. How insane is that? As a woman, I would never allow a man to buy me that. It's just not sensible! They had another rose for $50. I can't imagine spending that money on something unreal. I'd be happy to get some flowers, dinner and sex. Really the sex and being seduced is what I want. Hell I'd be content with having the man write me a 500 word essay on how wonderful I am.
Screw the flowers, give me the sex and an essay on me!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Thought Swirlings
Greetings all,
I've had a couple of shows, one on Sunday and the other last Tuesday. I am still trying new material and feel like I am getting better at this stand up thing. It's weird though but I wonder why the hell do I do it? What motivates me to get up in front of people and then talk and perform in attempts to make them laugh?
I often wonder why I do what I do but I just don't understand. I don't totally understand myself and I guess I have to accept that. All I know is that I have this urge and these ideas and performing seems to be my only outlet.
I think as well I am too serious and wonder why the hell do I like making people laugh? Aren't comedians supposed to be happy and joking all the time? Cause I know I'm not like that.
I think lots of artists ask themselves why do I do this and it really just leads them nowhere. Who cares? Just do it. Shut up and stop analyzing why you feel this need to perform, or to paint or to make music. Who gives a shit?
I know I shouldn't analyze but isn't that the nature of the mind? Why can't my mind just develop some addiction? Oh no wait it does. It's called analyzing. Minds are addicted to analyzing.
* * *
Alright then, who cares about my silly thoughts about being a comedian. I'm going to talk about fear. I've had roommate issues but alongside that I've had my own separate issues and have been feeling like I am in this constant state of fear. It could be that because of my spiritual practice, I am bringing up these issues that I have long suppressed.
I'm just feeling this fear of everything and I am noticing it when I am socializing with people. I meet new people all the time but I can feel that I am scared of them and don't feel relaxed. I know this isn't normal and I guess now I need to consciously relax.
I've realized last night that my major block seems to be that I don't feel worthy in my life. Like not worthy of love or of the good things and so maybe that's partly why I am fearful of people. I try to protect myself and am scared that I will get hurt but I am starting to get some rational insight into this.
So I have been telling myself that I am worthy and it seems to have opened up my heart a little. I seemed to be letting go of something.
I'm very confused about things but I should hope things make more sense eventually.
I've had a couple of shows, one on Sunday and the other last Tuesday. I am still trying new material and feel like I am getting better at this stand up thing. It's weird though but I wonder why the hell do I do it? What motivates me to get up in front of people and then talk and perform in attempts to make them laugh?
I often wonder why I do what I do but I just don't understand. I don't totally understand myself and I guess I have to accept that. All I know is that I have this urge and these ideas and performing seems to be my only outlet.
I think as well I am too serious and wonder why the hell do I like making people laugh? Aren't comedians supposed to be happy and joking all the time? Cause I know I'm not like that.
I think lots of artists ask themselves why do I do this and it really just leads them nowhere. Who cares? Just do it. Shut up and stop analyzing why you feel this need to perform, or to paint or to make music. Who gives a shit?
I know I shouldn't analyze but isn't that the nature of the mind? Why can't my mind just develop some addiction? Oh no wait it does. It's called analyzing. Minds are addicted to analyzing.
Alright then, who cares about my silly thoughts about being a comedian. I'm going to talk about fear. I've had roommate issues but alongside that I've had my own separate issues and have been feeling like I am in this constant state of fear. It could be that because of my spiritual practice, I am bringing up these issues that I have long suppressed.
I'm just feeling this fear of everything and I am noticing it when I am socializing with people. I meet new people all the time but I can feel that I am scared of them and don't feel relaxed. I know this isn't normal and I guess now I need to consciously relax.
I've realized last night that my major block seems to be that I don't feel worthy in my life. Like not worthy of love or of the good things and so maybe that's partly why I am fearful of people. I try to protect myself and am scared that I will get hurt but I am starting to get some rational insight into this.
So I have been telling myself that I am worthy and it seems to have opened up my heart a little. I seemed to be letting go of something.
I'm very confused about things but I should hope things make more sense eventually.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
A Basic Conclusion
Greetings all,
I have been doing the online dating thing for a while and I met with someone last night who's been advising me on the roommate situation since he's had experience dealing with tenants. He asked how do I screen out the crazy people out there because he seemed to be encountering lots of crazy people in his life.
I said that I have a procedure to meet me and I clearly state so in my profile the procedure to meet me and explain that it is purely for safety purposes. My procedures are as follows:
1. we exchange a few messages (demonstration of basic communication skills a must)
At this stage you can see a lot about a person and their mentality just by asking the right questions. I think it's easier to see people who have negative attitudes based on their thought processes, which I think is easier to spot in text format. You can definitely see when someone writes something and it makes no sense. Negative and unhealthy people usually think distortedly but at the same time, someone who is a good liar always says the right thing. There are signs to be found if someone is basically being genuine.
2. I give out my # if I feel safe and comfortable enough
Again, not everyone I message I give out my #. They also do not pester me for my # right away and usually pester that pester me for my #, don't get it.
One guy I corresponded with was wanting my # but I explained I don't give it out right away and then he got suspicious, like what have you got to hide? I explained my process and he basically didn't respect it and things just ended since he wasn't understanding my position.
3. we talk at least once before arranging to meet in a public place
At this point, talking over the phone as well gives me a better sense of the person and many people I do chat with on the phone, we never meet because perhaps they knew this wasn't a match.
I find that the people who are crazy do not respect the boundaries that I set up for myself. Most people respect these rules because they are reasonable but people with issues usually just want my # right away or want to meet right away and I don't think that is appropriate.
So my basic conclusion in how to watch out for the signs that you may be dealing with a crazy is that they basically are not willing to respect the boundaries that you have set up to protect yourself. They may argue and protest against it.
It is the normal people who respect the boundaries and therefore do not make you skip steps that you clearly outline.
I have been doing the online dating thing for a while and I met with someone last night who's been advising me on the roommate situation since he's had experience dealing with tenants. He asked how do I screen out the crazy people out there because he seemed to be encountering lots of crazy people in his life.
I said that I have a procedure to meet me and I clearly state so in my profile the procedure to meet me and explain that it is purely for safety purposes. My procedures are as follows:
1. we exchange a few messages (demonstration of basic communication skills a must)
At this stage you can see a lot about a person and their mentality just by asking the right questions. I think it's easier to see people who have negative attitudes based on their thought processes, which I think is easier to spot in text format. You can definitely see when someone writes something and it makes no sense. Negative and unhealthy people usually think distortedly but at the same time, someone who is a good liar always says the right thing. There are signs to be found if someone is basically being genuine.
2. I give out my # if I feel safe and comfortable enough
Again, not everyone I message I give out my #. They also do not pester me for my # right away and usually pester that pester me for my #, don't get it.
One guy I corresponded with was wanting my # but I explained I don't give it out right away and then he got suspicious, like what have you got to hide? I explained my process and he basically didn't respect it and things just ended since he wasn't understanding my position.
3. we talk at least once before arranging to meet in a public place
At this point, talking over the phone as well gives me a better sense of the person and many people I do chat with on the phone, we never meet because perhaps they knew this wasn't a match.
I find that the people who are crazy do not respect the boundaries that I set up for myself. Most people respect these rules because they are reasonable but people with issues usually just want my # right away or want to meet right away and I don't think that is appropriate.
So my basic conclusion in how to watch out for the signs that you may be dealing with a crazy is that they basically are not willing to respect the boundaries that you have set up to protect yourself. They may argue and protest against it.
It is the normal people who respect the boundaries and therefore do not make you skip steps that you clearly outline.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Just When You Thought it was Safe
Greetings all,
I had my book group meeting on Sunday night and was feeling a bit relieved and letting out deep sighs of relief due to the roommate moving out by 2pm yesterday.
I began cleaning up her dishes and put the chain lock on my door, just to feel safe from her.
As I was in the middle of my cleaning, around 10pm the ex roommate barges in and breaks through the chain door and insists she still has the right to be there. She tells me she is going to have a party as well.
Honestly when I looked back at this it feels like she is one of those monsters in the movies that you kill but really you never quite killed them and they come back after you.
Like honestly, why are you coming back. Leave me alone, you have a place.
Does she really think she can get away with having another party???
So I ran downstairs to talk to the supers but they said I had to call the cops as she is not on the lease. I did call the cops and as I took the elevator down to see the supers, her dog gets with me in the elevator and eventually the ex roommate comes down to get him and she is yelling at me how I am crazy.
I waited a while for the cops and this time 3 showed up. I told them the situation. I am not happy that these people really can't help me and they didn't even write up a report. I think the female cop was more sympathetic towards me then the one in charge. They say she still has access rights because of her deposit but honestly nothing of hers is left besides her food, which she is taking her sweet ass time picking up.
I have met someone online who's been in my situation so he is giving me the advice that I can take legally. I also have another friend who is a regular reader giving me advice as well on this situation. So it was good that I had people to talk to. I talked to this guy late last night as well so I really appreciate him telling what I can do and to stay calm.
I got my locks changed today, although I am still required to give her access. She came into the apartment 3 times, one of which I wasn't around and when I came back I saw that my shower curtain was closed and I knew I left it open. I knew it was her. It was unbelievably sick and twisted to me. Like from the movie Sleeping With the Enemy.
I told the supers what happened as well and apologized for disturbing them. I really just didn't know what to do because I felt invaded and this person thinks its okay to do what she is doing when it is not.
The guy I was consulting was saying I need to get her to sign a notice but she was demanding that I give her cash, which I explained that I would be willing to give her deposit after inspecting for damages and that I'd give a cheque.
He said that since I've tried negotiating with her, then I can just send a form to get the legal process started to get her evicted. The form is called N4. It states that she is required to give me rent for February or give me a signed notice for when she is terminating her tenancy. He says this should be enough to get her to write a notice and she will lose her rights to the deposit.
He gave me 2 copies and we mailed them out tonight. She should be getting it at her work place by Wednesday.
I barely slept last night and probably had 3 hours sleep. I feel better though that I changed the locks. The guy said though I still have to let her in but she probably doesn't come for too long and seems to focus just on getting her stuff so really it's in her best interest to get more things and leave since she does have access but it's controlled access. Also he said if she calls the cops she'd have to produce a contract that she lives there but she'd only do that if I denied her access which I am not doing at this point since I am allowing her to pick up her things.
She even had the nerve to knock at the door of our neighbor across the hall (whom I mentioned helped her a couple of weeks ago move some of her boxes). It was between 10.30 to 11pm and she kept knocking at her door, wanting her neighbor for support as the cops talked to her. The female cop definitely did some eye roll or at least very subtly so I could tell she thought that was lame and the neighbor as well looked very tired and like she was being forced.
When I spoke to the supers as well I was told the neighbor across the hall recently lost a good friend. I don't know why the ex roommate had to bring this innocent bystander into the process when this issue is between her and I.
So not cool!
I told my parents this situation and had them watch my place as I went to get my lock rekeyed and my dad just thinks I should give her the deposit. At this point I either go big or go home. I tolerated this bitch's abuse and tauntings during January and I am not about to give up now. I will teach this girl a lesson and do it the legal way.
If she thinks she can do what she pleases, she is wrong. There are contracts and procedures to follow. The guy I was talking with says it might be easier to just give her the deposit because of the mental stress it is costing but already in January the stress I had was worth more then $250. I either should have given it first thing but now I will put up a fight because it's not right to me. She's stressed me out already so it doesn't matter if it's prolonged.
I also recorded her tonight as my other friend suggested. She kept telling me to stop taping and she would come after my camera but I told her it was for my lawyers. I think I would like to post it on you tube but would have to blur out her face for legal reasons. It was quite funny and empowering for me to tape her. I brought the chairs for her left behind from the patio table, a stack of papers left in a bag, dog toys and a cup by the door for her and all she took was some small bag of food and I was encouraging her to take the rest of her things which I have on tape that she is saying no to and that she will take what she wants.
I don't think I need more footage as I don't want to antagonize her too much.
I had my book group meeting on Sunday night and was feeling a bit relieved and letting out deep sighs of relief due to the roommate moving out by 2pm yesterday.
I began cleaning up her dishes and put the chain lock on my door, just to feel safe from her.
As I was in the middle of my cleaning, around 10pm the ex roommate barges in and breaks through the chain door and insists she still has the right to be there. She tells me she is going to have a party as well.
Honestly when I looked back at this it feels like she is one of those monsters in the movies that you kill but really you never quite killed them and they come back after you.
Like honestly, why are you coming back. Leave me alone, you have a place.
Does she really think she can get away with having another party???
So I ran downstairs to talk to the supers but they said I had to call the cops as she is not on the lease. I did call the cops and as I took the elevator down to see the supers, her dog gets with me in the elevator and eventually the ex roommate comes down to get him and she is yelling at me how I am crazy.
I waited a while for the cops and this time 3 showed up. I told them the situation. I am not happy that these people really can't help me and they didn't even write up a report. I think the female cop was more sympathetic towards me then the one in charge. They say she still has access rights because of her deposit but honestly nothing of hers is left besides her food, which she is taking her sweet ass time picking up.
I have met someone online who's been in my situation so he is giving me the advice that I can take legally. I also have another friend who is a regular reader giving me advice as well on this situation. So it was good that I had people to talk to. I talked to this guy late last night as well so I really appreciate him telling what I can do and to stay calm.
I got my locks changed today, although I am still required to give her access. She came into the apartment 3 times, one of which I wasn't around and when I came back I saw that my shower curtain was closed and I knew I left it open. I knew it was her. It was unbelievably sick and twisted to me. Like from the movie Sleeping With the Enemy.
I told the supers what happened as well and apologized for disturbing them. I really just didn't know what to do because I felt invaded and this person thinks its okay to do what she is doing when it is not.
The guy I was consulting was saying I need to get her to sign a notice but she was demanding that I give her cash, which I explained that I would be willing to give her deposit after inspecting for damages and that I'd give a cheque.
He said that since I've tried negotiating with her, then I can just send a form to get the legal process started to get her evicted. The form is called N4. It states that she is required to give me rent for February or give me a signed notice for when she is terminating her tenancy. He says this should be enough to get her to write a notice and she will lose her rights to the deposit.
He gave me 2 copies and we mailed them out tonight. She should be getting it at her work place by Wednesday.
I barely slept last night and probably had 3 hours sleep. I feel better though that I changed the locks. The guy said though I still have to let her in but she probably doesn't come for too long and seems to focus just on getting her stuff so really it's in her best interest to get more things and leave since she does have access but it's controlled access. Also he said if she calls the cops she'd have to produce a contract that she lives there but she'd only do that if I denied her access which I am not doing at this point since I am allowing her to pick up her things.
She even had the nerve to knock at the door of our neighbor across the hall (whom I mentioned helped her a couple of weeks ago move some of her boxes). It was between 10.30 to 11pm and she kept knocking at her door, wanting her neighbor for support as the cops talked to her. The female cop definitely did some eye roll or at least very subtly so I could tell she thought that was lame and the neighbor as well looked very tired and like she was being forced.
When I spoke to the supers as well I was told the neighbor across the hall recently lost a good friend. I don't know why the ex roommate had to bring this innocent bystander into the process when this issue is between her and I.
So not cool!
I told my parents this situation and had them watch my place as I went to get my lock rekeyed and my dad just thinks I should give her the deposit. At this point I either go big or go home. I tolerated this bitch's abuse and tauntings during January and I am not about to give up now. I will teach this girl a lesson and do it the legal way.
If she thinks she can do what she pleases, she is wrong. There are contracts and procedures to follow. The guy I was talking with says it might be easier to just give her the deposit because of the mental stress it is costing but already in January the stress I had was worth more then $250. I either should have given it first thing but now I will put up a fight because it's not right to me. She's stressed me out already so it doesn't matter if it's prolonged.
I also recorded her tonight as my other friend suggested. She kept telling me to stop taping and she would come after my camera but I told her it was for my lawyers. I think I would like to post it on you tube but would have to blur out her face for legal reasons. It was quite funny and empowering for me to tape her. I brought the chairs for her left behind from the patio table, a stack of papers left in a bag, dog toys and a cup by the door for her and all she took was some small bag of food and I was encouraging her to take the rest of her things which I have on tape that she is saying no to and that she will take what she wants.
I don't think I need more footage as I don't want to antagonize her too much.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Nah nah nah nah. Nah nah nah nah. Hey hey hey. Goodbye!
Greetings all,
My now ex-roommate is officially out of my apartment!
She was done about 45 minutes ago and I pretty much stayed in my room. She had a bunch of friends help her.
She stole my message board that she liked to write childish messages on. Perhaps it's a security thing for her.
This pisses me off greatly!
She still didn't do the dishes since the 13th and she left a bunch of crap from her party.
I'm glad she's gone. She seems to think I'm the crazy one, but the reality is she is the one with the problem.
Here are some pics left from the mess.
This is how the carpet was from her party, which she never tidied up
Didn't change the toilet paper properly when she had her party
Messy carpet. Insert joke here.
Filler paper left from her packing.
Always have time for Tim Horton's!
The leftover mess from her party
Leftover mess from party
No pics of the leftover dishes, which I've shown in a previous entry.
My now ex-roommate is officially out of my apartment!
She was done about 45 minutes ago and I pretty much stayed in my room. She had a bunch of friends help her.
She stole my message board that she liked to write childish messages on. Perhaps it's a security thing for her.
This pisses me off greatly!
She still didn't do the dishes since the 13th and she left a bunch of crap from her party.
I'm glad she's gone. She seems to think I'm the crazy one, but the reality is she is the one with the problem.
Here are some pics left from the mess.
This is how the carpet was from her party, which she never tidied up
Didn't change the toilet paper properly when she had her party
Messy carpet. Insert joke here.
Filler paper left from her packing.
Always have time for Tim Horton's!
The leftover mess from her party
Leftover mess from partyNo pics of the leftover dishes, which I've shown in a previous entry.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Mensa Wannabe-er
Greetings all,
Today I did the Mensa Home Prep Test to see if I have a chance at passing the real Mensa test. Mensa is an organization for people who possess the top 2% IQs in the world.
Why the hell would I try out for this organization? Well I've been professing for the past 10 years that I am a genius so I figure I probably should actually put it to the test since I've never taken a real IQ test, only online ones. I think if I don't pass this Mensa prep test, at least maybe I'll take a real IQ to see how smart I am intellectually.
If I pass this Home Prep Test, then I can either submit an IQ test that was supervised or take their monthly supervised tests.
I actually took a bit longer to do it and actually was expecting more math type questions, much like a typical IQ test. There were 6 sections in this test categorized as follows: Synonyms, Classification, Opposites, Analogies, Completion (paragraph missing some words, which you choose from a list of possible words) and Inferences.
I found it was too much word selection and it started messing with my head. I think I did okay but I mailed it back today and will have to wait to see my results. As mentioned earlier, I was disappointed that it didn't have more math questions, because I'd probably be done faster.
I read a book a few years ago entitled Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind by Deborah Ruf. It talked about the difficulties these gifted children experience and it also had classifed the various levels of giftedness. I always thought perhaps I was gifted and after reading that book, I concluded that if I am gifted, I am probably on the lowest rung because what some of these kids thought about at a young age was impressive.
I know I am probably smarter then average. I probably seem insecure about my intelligence but the reality is I am. I chose to drop out of my first year university, not because I was doing poorly, in fact I excelled in many of my courses, but because like many people my age, I didn't know what I wanted to major in and I saw little point in investing $4000 to go take something that I was unsure of.
I love learning but I had to say goodbye to the intellectual world because somewhere in my heart I knew what I needed to learn, I could not learn in an academic setting. So I went into the world of work and have struggled to find my place in this world. I long to be a comedian, a performer, an artist.
But I can never get that academic recognition that my nerd heart so desires.
I need to know how smart I am. I know I am not the highest level of genius. Maybe I am not a genius at all. But I need to know how intellectually smart I am.
I think being above average intelligence can have it's drawbacks, which I learned about in Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind. Lots of thoughts and ideas about things go through your mind and learning can become an obsession. There is a loneliness as well because sometimes some people are just not smart enough to get what you are saying or understand your ideas.
Over the years I keep looking for smart people to be my friends because at least I take comfort in that. Being around stupid people is just too painful for me.
Even if you are not intellectually minded, being kind and being open to learning is just as fine.
Today I did the Mensa Home Prep Test to see if I have a chance at passing the real Mensa test. Mensa is an organization for people who possess the top 2% IQs in the world.
Why the hell would I try out for this organization? Well I've been professing for the past 10 years that I am a genius so I figure I probably should actually put it to the test since I've never taken a real IQ test, only online ones. I think if I don't pass this Mensa prep test, at least maybe I'll take a real IQ to see how smart I am intellectually.
If I pass this Home Prep Test, then I can either submit an IQ test that was supervised or take their monthly supervised tests.
I actually took a bit longer to do it and actually was expecting more math type questions, much like a typical IQ test. There were 6 sections in this test categorized as follows: Synonyms, Classification, Opposites, Analogies, Completion (paragraph missing some words, which you choose from a list of possible words) and Inferences.
I found it was too much word selection and it started messing with my head. I think I did okay but I mailed it back today and will have to wait to see my results. As mentioned earlier, I was disappointed that it didn't have more math questions, because I'd probably be done faster.
I read a book a few years ago entitled Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind by Deborah Ruf. It talked about the difficulties these gifted children experience and it also had classifed the various levels of giftedness. I always thought perhaps I was gifted and after reading that book, I concluded that if I am gifted, I am probably on the lowest rung because what some of these kids thought about at a young age was impressive.
I know I am probably smarter then average. I probably seem insecure about my intelligence but the reality is I am. I chose to drop out of my first year university, not because I was doing poorly, in fact I excelled in many of my courses, but because like many people my age, I didn't know what I wanted to major in and I saw little point in investing $4000 to go take something that I was unsure of.
I love learning but I had to say goodbye to the intellectual world because somewhere in my heart I knew what I needed to learn, I could not learn in an academic setting. So I went into the world of work and have struggled to find my place in this world. I long to be a comedian, a performer, an artist.
But I can never get that academic recognition that my nerd heart so desires.
I need to know how smart I am. I know I am not the highest level of genius. Maybe I am not a genius at all. But I need to know how intellectually smart I am.
I think being above average intelligence can have it's drawbacks, which I learned about in Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind. Lots of thoughts and ideas about things go through your mind and learning can become an obsession. There is a loneliness as well because sometimes some people are just not smart enough to get what you are saying or understand your ideas.
Over the years I keep looking for smart people to be my friends because at least I take comfort in that. Being around stupid people is just too painful for me.
Even if you are not intellectually minded, being kind and being open to learning is just as fine.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Modifying my Relationship Strategy
Greetings all,
I have previously informed my wonderful readers that I have been following a book entitled Getting to I Do by Patricia Allen as it is a relationship book to help you use the right strategies to get married.
I recently read Why Men Marry Bitches by Sherri Argov and I personally found this to be a more simple strategy. It, like many other dating books, point out how the woman has to let the man chase her in the beginning but also to live your own life and make yourself happy first. (duh...that's what I've been doing for the past 30 years so I've gotten that covered)
I liked the part where she points out how the woman acts after sex is what is important and that to be cool and calm and move on with your life and not get so attached to the man and basically let him come after you.
I liked that advice since I never have read anywhere or heard anyone talk about how to behave AFTER sex. I am not sure how I act after sex since it's been so long but I don't think I was overly clingy anyways. Although I like to cuddle for a bit after it's over.
In Pat's book she talks about giving the man the exclusive talk after you've been dating for a while and he wants to take things on a physical level. Namely, you ask to be exclusive and monogamous and expect this to be continuous and not a one night stand. Also to state your desire that you are eventually looking to get married, although it may not be with him.
I thought about this and I realized if I were a man and a woman I dated started talking to me like that, I'd probably just say yes to shut her up, even if I wasn't willing to marry and I already knew I wasn't willing to marry her.
Some woman has to be the woman before the Wife. It just might be you!
No worries!
The reality is guys will say anything to get into your pants and you can't be so fixated on getting married, that you forget to screen and scrutinize your suitors. You have to look for someone whose company you enjoy.
Besides if you bug a man for marriage early on, it'll make him less likely to want to do it. Much like in real life, if you nag people or pester people, it makes them not want to do that very thing you want them to do!
I am in an email group for people following the Pat Allen strategies but I am thinking of leaving that group. Some of these women are desperate losers. One of them is still pining for her ex and he is already in a relationship with another woman who is more then 15 years younger then him. She's let him recontact her at least 3 times since she dumped him. The new girlfriend even snooped through his email to contact her and she actually had conversations with the new girlfriend. If that were me being contacted, especially by the new girlfriend I'd say 'get lost!'
It's called moving on. You are now just 'the other woman'.
You never will know how to be a winner unless you know how to accept loss!!
This sad soul is in her early 40s by the way.
There is another woman as well who is 53 and was recently telling us of a married man whom she fell in love with whom she met online but naively didn't know he was married. There is another man whom she rejected back in the day and he married and had kids and has entered her life and I think she maybe thinks they might hook up.
Ummm, does marriage not mean anything to these women?
But isn't it ironic though, these women who so desperately want marriage, think it's okay to interfere with men who are already in monogamous relationships, whether they are married or not.
I don't know but I have never been in a situation like this where I go after exes who have girlfriends or let myself fall in love with a married man. I know better. I'm smart and have self respect but most of all I have this thing called morals and ethics. Ah yes pesky ethics!! I tried telling these women how wrong they were but they do not seem to get it and think I am being harsh.
The truth is if they will do it with you, they will do it to you. (Thanks Dr. Phil for that one)
I find the members in this email group take her work too seriously and focus too much on being Yin (since that is what they have chosen... the concept of the book involves choosing an energy style - yin or yang). I find they try too hard and complain alot about their mistakes. I personally think you need to just accept who you are and not try to be someone you are not. You lose so much of who you are when you try to follow these rules and try and be perfect.
Anyways, I will take some of her advice and use what works for me because I think the book has some useful points. I will also take from the other book as well whatever tips that will help me out.
I don't think I will follow GTID strategies on getting a commitment from a man or how to get them to marry you. In WMMB, the author states you can get a man to propose without even using the M-word.
And isn't that what men really want? Don't they really want to believe marrying a woman was THEIR idea? What kind of person would I be if I insisted on it??!!
I know for me, the best thing I have been doing is dating multiple men and letting them chase after me and pretty much not having sex too early. Following those pieces of advice has helped me out alot and so that's probably why I don't stress as much on what I say to men or how I act since I am overall a good person.
I have previously informed my wonderful readers that I have been following a book entitled Getting to I Do by Patricia Allen as it is a relationship book to help you use the right strategies to get married.
I recently read Why Men Marry Bitches by Sherri Argov and I personally found this to be a more simple strategy. It, like many other dating books, point out how the woman has to let the man chase her in the beginning but also to live your own life and make yourself happy first. (duh...that's what I've been doing for the past 30 years so I've gotten that covered)
I liked the part where she points out how the woman acts after sex is what is important and that to be cool and calm and move on with your life and not get so attached to the man and basically let him come after you.
I liked that advice since I never have read anywhere or heard anyone talk about how to behave AFTER sex. I am not sure how I act after sex since it's been so long but I don't think I was overly clingy anyways. Although I like to cuddle for a bit after it's over.
In Pat's book she talks about giving the man the exclusive talk after you've been dating for a while and he wants to take things on a physical level. Namely, you ask to be exclusive and monogamous and expect this to be continuous and not a one night stand. Also to state your desire that you are eventually looking to get married, although it may not be with him.
I thought about this and I realized if I were a man and a woman I dated started talking to me like that, I'd probably just say yes to shut her up, even if I wasn't willing to marry and I already knew I wasn't willing to marry her.
Some woman has to be the woman before the Wife. It just might be you!
No worries!
The reality is guys will say anything to get into your pants and you can't be so fixated on getting married, that you forget to screen and scrutinize your suitors. You have to look for someone whose company you enjoy.
Besides if you bug a man for marriage early on, it'll make him less likely to want to do it. Much like in real life, if you nag people or pester people, it makes them not want to do that very thing you want them to do!
I am in an email group for people following the Pat Allen strategies but I am thinking of leaving that group. Some of these women are desperate losers. One of them is still pining for her ex and he is already in a relationship with another woman who is more then 15 years younger then him. She's let him recontact her at least 3 times since she dumped him. The new girlfriend even snooped through his email to contact her and she actually had conversations with the new girlfriend. If that were me being contacted, especially by the new girlfriend I'd say 'get lost!'
It's called moving on. You are now just 'the other woman'.
You never will know how to be a winner unless you know how to accept loss!!
This sad soul is in her early 40s by the way.
There is another woman as well who is 53 and was recently telling us of a married man whom she fell in love with whom she met online but naively didn't know he was married. There is another man whom she rejected back in the day and he married and had kids and has entered her life and I think she maybe thinks they might hook up.
Ummm, does marriage not mean anything to these women?
But isn't it ironic though, these women who so desperately want marriage, think it's okay to interfere with men who are already in monogamous relationships, whether they are married or not.
I don't know but I have never been in a situation like this where I go after exes who have girlfriends or let myself fall in love with a married man. I know better. I'm smart and have self respect but most of all I have this thing called morals and ethics. Ah yes pesky ethics!! I tried telling these women how wrong they were but they do not seem to get it and think I am being harsh.
The truth is if they will do it with you, they will do it to you. (Thanks Dr. Phil for that one)
I find the members in this email group take her work too seriously and focus too much on being Yin (since that is what they have chosen... the concept of the book involves choosing an energy style - yin or yang). I find they try too hard and complain alot about their mistakes. I personally think you need to just accept who you are and not try to be someone you are not. You lose so much of who you are when you try to follow these rules and try and be perfect.
Anyways, I will take some of her advice and use what works for me because I think the book has some useful points. I will also take from the other book as well whatever tips that will help me out.
I don't think I will follow GTID strategies on getting a commitment from a man or how to get them to marry you. In WMMB, the author states you can get a man to propose without even using the M-word.
And isn't that what men really want? Don't they really want to believe marrying a woman was THEIR idea? What kind of person would I be if I insisted on it??!!
I know for me, the best thing I have been doing is dating multiple men and letting them chase after me and pretty much not having sex too early. Following those pieces of advice has helped me out alot and so that's probably why I don't stress as much on what I say to men or how I act since I am overall a good person.
Roommate Update
Greetings all,
Well my roommate had her party on Friday and I thought she would do the right thing and finally do the dishes she has stopped doing since january 13th. I arrived home at 2.30 am and thankfully the party was over. Two of her friends slept on her couches.
The roommate did some cleaning up, like took some bottles away and wiped down my glass dining table but the place was still messy.
When I went to have breakfast, I noticed that the large plates that she normally uses were not there. So I wondered, where are my dishes then since they were no longer in her sink and I assumed she did them? I opened the sink cupboard and lo and behold are her dirty dishes!
So yesterday I took away some of the remaining dishes and saw that she used a couple of my small coffee mugs, you know the ones for cappucino? I figured she probably would start cleaning but since she hasn't, I took away pretty much all the dishes and left only what utensils were remaining, like the knives, forks, etc.
I think that's pretty sad and pathetic for a 27 year old woman to be doing that and it's sad that I've had to do this. I feel like I am disciplining a child. It is absurd.
It gets me angry though but I am trying to relax because she wins if I am angry. I am tired of her and look forward to her ugly ass out of my place. I will have to find out from the supers when she booked the elevator.
While I was having breakfast Saturday morning, I was scanning my book shelf as it is in the common area and noticed someone stole my Peach Schnapps. I don't drink often but certainly do not appreciate some punk stealing my alcohol.
Six more days! Counting the days!
Well my roommate had her party on Friday and I thought she would do the right thing and finally do the dishes she has stopped doing since january 13th. I arrived home at 2.30 am and thankfully the party was over. Two of her friends slept on her couches.
The roommate did some cleaning up, like took some bottles away and wiped down my glass dining table but the place was still messy.
When I went to have breakfast, I noticed that the large plates that she normally uses were not there. So I wondered, where are my dishes then since they were no longer in her sink and I assumed she did them? I opened the sink cupboard and lo and behold are her dirty dishes!
So yesterday I took away some of the remaining dishes and saw that she used a couple of my small coffee mugs, you know the ones for cappucino? I figured she probably would start cleaning but since she hasn't, I took away pretty much all the dishes and left only what utensils were remaining, like the knives, forks, etc.
I think that's pretty sad and pathetic for a 27 year old woman to be doing that and it's sad that I've had to do this. I feel like I am disciplining a child. It is absurd.
It gets me angry though but I am trying to relax because she wins if I am angry. I am tired of her and look forward to her ugly ass out of my place. I will have to find out from the supers when she booked the elevator.
While I was having breakfast Saturday morning, I was scanning my book shelf as it is in the common area and noticed someone stole my Peach Schnapps. I don't drink often but certainly do not appreciate some punk stealing my alcohol.
Six more days! Counting the days!
Stomach Flu?
Greetings all,
I think I got a stomach flu on Saturday night. I went over to a friend's and my stomach was starting to ache and we were playing Rockband. My favourite is the drums so I always make sure I get to play that since I always enjoy hitting things.
The night didn't end well since my dinner chose to revisit me. I went home only to see more of my dinner revisiting me.
My stomach hurt for Sunday and Monday. I was better on Monday and now my stomach has mild pain. I had a fever as well on Sunday. I am not sure if this was food poisoning or a stomach flu but I read the symptoms for stomach flu and not food poisoning so that's why I figure it must be the stomach flu.
I am quite tired now but I am going out since I have been cooped up for 2 days.
I have never been sick like this as my stomach has never caused problems for me.
I think I got a stomach flu on Saturday night. I went over to a friend's and my stomach was starting to ache and we were playing Rockband. My favourite is the drums so I always make sure I get to play that since I always enjoy hitting things.
The night didn't end well since my dinner chose to revisit me. I went home only to see more of my dinner revisiting me.
My stomach hurt for Sunday and Monday. I was better on Monday and now my stomach has mild pain. I had a fever as well on Sunday. I am not sure if this was food poisoning or a stomach flu but I read the symptoms for stomach flu and not food poisoning so that's why I figure it must be the stomach flu.
I am quite tired now but I am going out since I have been cooped up for 2 days.
I have never been sick like this as my stomach has never caused problems for me.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Blair Witch Project
Greetings all,
I was actually watching the Blair Witch project at my friend's last night. I never actually watched it when it first came out 10 years. I was in high school and it seemed like everyone was talking about it.
I think the concept of the movie was decent and thought it was put together well enough but the realist in me just gets angry at the choices the characters make in the film. This movie is a mockumentary and so is imitating the style of documentaries.
I don't know how old the characters are supposed to be in the movie but I am assuming they are supposed to be around 25. They all looked like they were people who probably finished high school and bummed around for a few years and then decided to go back to school so they don't seem too naive to me and the Heather chick just looked old so I figured she was a mature student like the rest of her crew mates.
I worked up in Yellowknife back in 2003 for the summer so I know a bit about the reality of being out in the bush and although they are supposed to be film makers, they were not well prepared for life in the bush.
First of all, if you are going into an area where there are no trails, you use trail markers to help you find your way back so that you don't get lost. These idiots probably wouldn't have gotten so lost if they just brought fucking trail markers!!!
Secondly, the crew seemed like a bunch of wimps. Especially that Michael guy.
oooooooo you're lost Michael, now you gotta pull a hissy fit and make a big scene about being lost! What kind of man whines about being lost? You're never lost if you are a man, there is always a way out.
Honestly, if you are lost, what good does it do to yell and freak out? Then eventually Heather yells at him and has her dramatic freak out.
People, what ever happened to team work and to toughing it out!!!
Stick together and shut the fuck up!
They had a compass too and you mean to tell me they couldn't find their way out?
There was a river too and they could have just walked along side the river, either up stream or down stream, depending on where it would go. Everyone knows most rivers don't go in a circle!
So as you can see, I was very angry watching this movie.
I didn't even see them eat and I think that angered me as well. How can you be out on the bush doing all this hiking without eating??? You need to eat! Maybe Michael was so angry about being lost because he was really hungry.
Finally the ending I did not like. What are these idiots doing going into an abandoned house at night? You guys just lost Josh and are asking for trouble! The screaming at the end by Heather was cliched as well. Like okay, we get it you are scared. But nobody made you go into this abandoned house at night eh!
I hated this movie by the way...
I was actually watching the Blair Witch project at my friend's last night. I never actually watched it when it first came out 10 years. I was in high school and it seemed like everyone was talking about it.
I think the concept of the movie was decent and thought it was put together well enough but the realist in me just gets angry at the choices the characters make in the film. This movie is a mockumentary and so is imitating the style of documentaries.
I don't know how old the characters are supposed to be in the movie but I am assuming they are supposed to be around 25. They all looked like they were people who probably finished high school and bummed around for a few years and then decided to go back to school so they don't seem too naive to me and the Heather chick just looked old so I figured she was a mature student like the rest of her crew mates.
I worked up in Yellowknife back in 2003 for the summer so I know a bit about the reality of being out in the bush and although they are supposed to be film makers, they were not well prepared for life in the bush.
First of all, if you are going into an area where there are no trails, you use trail markers to help you find your way back so that you don't get lost. These idiots probably wouldn't have gotten so lost if they just brought fucking trail markers!!!
Secondly, the crew seemed like a bunch of wimps. Especially that Michael guy.
oooooooo you're lost Michael, now you gotta pull a hissy fit and make a big scene about being lost! What kind of man whines about being lost? You're never lost if you are a man, there is always a way out.
Honestly, if you are lost, what good does it do to yell and freak out? Then eventually Heather yells at him and has her dramatic freak out.
People, what ever happened to team work and to toughing it out!!!
Stick together and shut the fuck up!
They had a compass too and you mean to tell me they couldn't find their way out?
There was a river too and they could have just walked along side the river, either up stream or down stream, depending on where it would go. Everyone knows most rivers don't go in a circle!
So as you can see, I was very angry watching this movie.
I didn't even see them eat and I think that angered me as well. How can you be out on the bush doing all this hiking without eating??? You need to eat! Maybe Michael was so angry about being lost because he was really hungry.
Finally the ending I did not like. What are these idiots doing going into an abandoned house at night? You guys just lost Josh and are asking for trouble! The screaming at the end by Heather was cliched as well. Like okay, we get it you are scared. But nobody made you go into this abandoned house at night eh!
I hated this movie by the way...
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Can a Dumbass Outsmart a Self Professed Genius?
Greetings all,
Well last night I went out and the roommate was taping up some boxes and our neighbor across from us was helping her (why... she must have been brainwashed to!). As I put my coat on the roommate, again in an attempt to piss me off, said she is glad to be getting out of here.
You know I'm probably the best roommate one could possibly have because I, 1. am laid back 2. am financially responsible 3. nice and willing to compromise and 4. keep things fairly clean and organized.
It annoys me because I know I have been a good person during her stay here and she just doesn't seem to appreciate me. I am not someone who gives and gives but I think I was respectful enough towards her and here she is continuously disrespecting me. I am aware that is her issue and I do not need to look to her to know that I am a good person.
Anyways, she is having her party on Friday so I am hoping it doesn't get out of hand. It usually doesn't so I will just keep to myself and hopefully go out as well.
When I came back, most of her boxes were gone and she finally took out the garbage. I figure for her party she will do her dishes. At this point I am just keeping to myself and praying to the good Lord to protect my furniture and belongings.
I realized last night as I was making my way out to a meetup that she probably only said that she was staying until the 15th because that's what she's paid for as a trick to get me to give her back the deposit. Since I've lived with her, I know she is one of these people that just can't seem to accept a loss graciously and so I know she has been plotting with her friends and perhaps family to figure out how to get the deposit back.
In my mind, I am entitled to 6 weeks notice and so I am keeping the deposit. She must think I am stupid or something but I am not compromising. I am sure she will be out by the 1st. I think perhaps the worst is over. She may be realizing that I will not give in to her childish ways.
I spoke to a lawyer yesterday and he said I could change the locks on her without notice but I may be at risk to be taken to court since it was not written in the contract. So that is something to keep in mind folks if you have someone move in with you to include a clause for changing the locks without notice.
I think even if I were to change the locks, I just think it would make things worse. This is what is odd for me to accept. All I really have to do is keep staying calm and do nothing and not enforce the rules in the contract. As much as I want to clarify things to her again, she doesn't want to listen and there is no point trying to force someone to listen when they aren't even there emotionally and are just in an unstable emotional state.
Well last night I went out and the roommate was taping up some boxes and our neighbor across from us was helping her (why... she must have been brainwashed to!). As I put my coat on the roommate, again in an attempt to piss me off, said she is glad to be getting out of here.
You know I'm probably the best roommate one could possibly have because I, 1. am laid back 2. am financially responsible 3. nice and willing to compromise and 4. keep things fairly clean and organized.
It annoys me because I know I have been a good person during her stay here and she just doesn't seem to appreciate me. I am not someone who gives and gives but I think I was respectful enough towards her and here she is continuously disrespecting me. I am aware that is her issue and I do not need to look to her to know that I am a good person.
Anyways, she is having her party on Friday so I am hoping it doesn't get out of hand. It usually doesn't so I will just keep to myself and hopefully go out as well.
When I came back, most of her boxes were gone and she finally took out the garbage. I figure for her party she will do her dishes. At this point I am just keeping to myself and praying to the good Lord to protect my furniture and belongings.
I realized last night as I was making my way out to a meetup that she probably only said that she was staying until the 15th because that's what she's paid for as a trick to get me to give her back the deposit. Since I've lived with her, I know she is one of these people that just can't seem to accept a loss graciously and so I know she has been plotting with her friends and perhaps family to figure out how to get the deposit back.
In my mind, I am entitled to 6 weeks notice and so I am keeping the deposit. She must think I am stupid or something but I am not compromising. I am sure she will be out by the 1st. I think perhaps the worst is over. She may be realizing that I will not give in to her childish ways.
I spoke to a lawyer yesterday and he said I could change the locks on her without notice but I may be at risk to be taken to court since it was not written in the contract. So that is something to keep in mind folks if you have someone move in with you to include a clause for changing the locks without notice.
I think even if I were to change the locks, I just think it would make things worse. This is what is odd for me to accept. All I really have to do is keep staying calm and do nothing and not enforce the rules in the contract. As much as I want to clarify things to her again, she doesn't want to listen and there is no point trying to force someone to listen when they aren't even there emotionally and are just in an unstable emotional state.
The Necessity of Rules and Structure
Greetings all,
I have been thinking about this concept of structure and rules. I have always been a bit of a rebellious person and usually despised structure and rules because I always felt they were stifling. As a creative person, rules and order seemed evil.
I have grown up over these past few years and have begun to see that having structure and rules in one's life does not have to lead to stifling of creativity.
I never liked the way this Western society was structured. It was too rigid for me and I always felt like there's more to life then just doing things by the book - doing the whole typical go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, retire and die. I think in my search for meaning in this life I did realize that there is nothing wrong with pursuing those things because pursuing those things can lead to happiness.
I guess it boils down to creating a life that you desire and many of us actually desire the same things. Being fulfilled, love, friendship, etc. All these inner qualities must manifest in the physical world to attain true happiness. You can't have one without the other. You can't just have the inner qualities without the materialized and you can't have some material object or desire without some understanding of your inner world.
I think the simplest example from my own personal life is that of my desire for a companion and love. I have many lovely and supportive friends but there is that feeling of missing something. Some people may be happy to be single but it causes me a certain discomfort. I am still happy for the most part but having that companion would make things happier for me. You can never have too much happiness! This inner desire can only be fulfilled when the corresponding materialization appears.
Anyways, I see structures like governments and businesses as just inevitable. I think I got over my detest over the government early on because I understand why we have governments. They are necessary structures to have to keep humans organized. We have so many people in a country and there has to be a way to organize things to maintain some level of peace and order. There are always going to be people trying to organize ways that are unhealthy and destructive but the ideal is to have these structures that foster healthy human behaviour and the peak of attaining a structure and system is one where people feel freedom and feel in control of their own lives.
I guess if you look at countries in the world where there is a lack of government, there is quite a lot of violence, ignorance and disorder. There's that as well in democratic countries but not to the same degree. There is still that sense of law, order and justice. I see the lack of democratic government in these nations as well as a result of a lack of education but does not the desire for education stem from the realization of needing things to be organized? To have structure?
I probably have more to say on this topic but perhaps another time.
I have been thinking about this concept of structure and rules. I have always been a bit of a rebellious person and usually despised structure and rules because I always felt they were stifling. As a creative person, rules and order seemed evil.
I have grown up over these past few years and have begun to see that having structure and rules in one's life does not have to lead to stifling of creativity.
I never liked the way this Western society was structured. It was too rigid for me and I always felt like there's more to life then just doing things by the book - doing the whole typical go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, retire and die. I think in my search for meaning in this life I did realize that there is nothing wrong with pursuing those things because pursuing those things can lead to happiness.
I guess it boils down to creating a life that you desire and many of us actually desire the same things. Being fulfilled, love, friendship, etc. All these inner qualities must manifest in the physical world to attain true happiness. You can't have one without the other. You can't just have the inner qualities without the materialized and you can't have some material object or desire without some understanding of your inner world.
I think the simplest example from my own personal life is that of my desire for a companion and love. I have many lovely and supportive friends but there is that feeling of missing something. Some people may be happy to be single but it causes me a certain discomfort. I am still happy for the most part but having that companion would make things happier for me. You can never have too much happiness! This inner desire can only be fulfilled when the corresponding materialization appears.
Anyways, I see structures like governments and businesses as just inevitable. I think I got over my detest over the government early on because I understand why we have governments. They are necessary structures to have to keep humans organized. We have so many people in a country and there has to be a way to organize things to maintain some level of peace and order. There are always going to be people trying to organize ways that are unhealthy and destructive but the ideal is to have these structures that foster healthy human behaviour and the peak of attaining a structure and system is one where people feel freedom and feel in control of their own lives.
I guess if you look at countries in the world where there is a lack of government, there is quite a lot of violence, ignorance and disorder. There's that as well in democratic countries but not to the same degree. There is still that sense of law, order and justice. I see the lack of democratic government in these nations as well as a result of a lack of education but does not the desire for education stem from the realization of needing things to be organized? To have structure?
I probably have more to say on this topic but perhaps another time.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Messages from Someone with Issues
I will just let these photos speak for themselves!
Bosley is her dog.
The red cup she wanted me to replace. I just washed it instead. Good as new!
I was using her desk chair since she moved in since she got rid of her desk.
I think she feels this message was worth posting twice to me.
Someone does not want to take out the trash
Someone has been not doing dishes since the cops were called
Smoking is not allowed as stated in contract but someone is retaliating because the cops were called
The roommate says she will stay until the 15th of February unless I give her the deposit back (we were told by the police to not speak to each other anyways). She told me this last night and I politely told her to take out the garbage and dishes. She just had to write this the next day.
Bosley is her dog.
The red cup she wanted me to replace. I just washed it instead. Good as new!
I was using her desk chair since she moved in since she got rid of her desk.
I think she feels this message was worth posting twice to me.
Someone does not want to take out the trash
Someone has been not doing dishes since the cops were called
Smoking is not allowed as stated in contract but someone is retaliating because the cops were called
The roommate says she will stay until the 15th of February unless I give her the deposit back (we were told by the police to not speak to each other anyways). She told me this last night and I politely told her to take out the garbage and dishes. She just had to write this the next day.
Monday, January 19, 2009
One of those Days
Greetings all,
You know there are some days where nothing bothers me and I am highly confident. Well today has not been one of those days. I'm sure I'll get back to being my normal confident self soon but things are looking rough for me.
Everything just seems hopeless and bleak and I feel like I'll never achieve my goals and dreams. I'll just be in this state of endless searching and never acquiring what I desire deep in my heart.
Fear and anxiety are riddling my mind. I must dig deep and keep hope alive.
You know there are some days where nothing bothers me and I am highly confident. Well today has not been one of those days. I'm sure I'll get back to being my normal confident self soon but things are looking rough for me.
Everything just seems hopeless and bleak and I feel like I'll never achieve my goals and dreams. I'll just be in this state of endless searching and never acquiring what I desire deep in my heart.
Fear and anxiety are riddling my mind. I must dig deep and keep hope alive.
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