Heart Work Sucks!

Greetings all,

I've been processing alot of stuff emotionally lately (as you can see by the frequent posts...thank goodness for blogs!). I was at a meetup last night for a night of Settlers of Catan and was talking with one of the people whom I was playing with about online dating. I said some guys ask me how my experience has been on the site (I'm using one in particular, which I won't mention here). I was saying to her I don't understand why guys ask me this question. I end up getting a bit defensive and paranoid. But the woman I was talking to says she asks that as well and usually asks out of innocence.

I was thinking how can being asked this make me defensive and paranoid? It really didn't make sense to me but it does make me feel this way.

I can see asking out of curiosity and it just makes me realize that I have some issues to work through because it really doesn't make sense why I would get defensive. I've been doing lots of meditation focusing on all of my chakras but am focusing specifically on opening my heart and I find that it is opening me up emotionally to things I have suppressed and not dealt with. I don't know why I have suppressed so much but I chalk it up to past lives because I don't think I have experience much trauma in this lifetime.

I'm unemployed and I have been using this time to process my suppressed emotions and really getting into myself. People wonder what I do all day and well basically I tell them things like I write comedy or have my anthroposophy you tube project that I am working on or I say I'm taking time for myself at least so that I can justify how I spend my time.

I guess deep down I wonder if anyone actually understands the value of processing your emotions.

I'm opening my heart center, okay that's what I've been doing these past few months.

Leave me the Fuck alone!

I know my Employment Insurance is running out and I have to get back into the real world - which is something I want to do anyways. Believe me I know how the world works. I know you need money and to work to pay the bills.

I've got shit to process. Emotional shit. And it's not easy.

I really don't want to have to do this but I feel like doing this inner work is the only way I am going to honestly move forward in my life and be truly happy.

So I know that I probably get defensive when these guys ask me this question because I don't want to get hurt. But if I try and examine why I am afraid of getting hurt, there is no legitimate reason. How can they hurt me by asking me this question? Most guys probably are asking me innocently.

I guess I'm just like everyone else who is afraid of getting hurt but doing this heart work is making me realize that as long as I take care of myself and love myself, no one can really hurt me.