A Petition to Consider

Greetings and Salutations,

I have a link to a petition that I would appreciate if people would consider looking into. It is in regards to the situation in Uganda where many children are forced to leave their homes at night so that they do not become kidnapped or killed during the night. The Lord's Resistance Army and the Ugandan government have had a 20 year civil war. The children are at risk from being abducted by the LRA to join their ranks. The children are known as night commuters.
Please see below for more information for links.

Petition to UN and its Member States
To learn more about the Uganda situation
Night Commuters in Northern Uganda

Non sequitur girl

I think if I were to be a super hero, I would be non sequitur girl. Disarm and disorient villains by speaking non sequiturs. Excellent mental tactics. At improv, I have a tendency to say non sequiturs all the time. I don't know why. I enjoy it though, because at least for me, it keeps things interesting.

My friend, whom I consider my best friend and we used to date, thinks he's smarter then me. We talk on the phone all the time and I find he is one of the few people who understands me as he is a calm and emotionally mature and honest person. I just don't understand why he thinks he's smarter then me. He's skipped a grade. My mother skipped a grade. I know of an ex boyfriend as well who skipped a grade. Then I realized today... see this is an example of where my brain is slow in processing statements people make... that these 2 people went to public schools where it was considered normal practice to skip or fail a grade. My mother went to a Catholic school and she went in a time when the Catholic system skipped or held back people. My mother was put back a grade when she was 7 as she was an immigrant. But then they made her skip a grade, and she went from 6-8, balancing out things.
I went to a Catholic system, where everyone passed regardless of how poor you did and you didn't advance, no matter how well you did. Maybe if I went to a public system, I'd have skipped a grade as I found school generally too boring. So skipping a grade doesn't mean anything you PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM FUCKERS because us CATHOLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM PEOPLE didn't have that same system of skipping or passing people.
I'm not bitter at all really. Different systems.

Anyways, I'm smarter then he is. I'm a different type of smart. I'm eccentric genius smart. I'm into concepts, ideas, creativity. I'm like some mad witch constantly brewing concepts in my mind, constantly twisting and mixing things about. Cackling away until I discover a nice thought.
I just object to him saying he's smarter then me, but I cannot convince him. I would be content if he said that we're different smart, that neither of us are smarter then the other. Although I believe my intelligence is more better, and like wine my intelligence gets better with age and so I believe that I will become more brilliant as time progresses and the efforst that I make with my anthroposophical studies.
I've asked myself what makes my intelligence more better then his?
I don't know I just think I have some sort of mental gift and I just think he should acknowledge that, rather then insist he is smarter then me.

Phone break!

I just finished talking to him on the phone just now and told him how I am writing about him. Overall he feels that he has an edge in intelligence and he does agree that I am different smart. He believes that if we were to take intelligence tests that he'd fare better.
I think that IQ tests are quite flawed as an intelligence indicator. How do they come up with these things? I seriously see them as limited because they are only as good as those who design them. What if God came up with an IQ test? He/She would have a different perspective on what is considered intelligence, particularly since God is supposedly all knowing.
I'm assuming a team of people design these tests but wouldn't people who were all super intelligent design a better test? Where does creativity come into play?

I believe that as I grow and evolve as a human, I will become a genius. I believe that it possible for me to take my intelligence on a different level. That's why I think I'm smarter then my friend. I expect in time that genius will be my normal state. I have perceived something within myself that marks the sign of genius and greatness and it is unfortunate that my friend has not perceived that.
I think this genius is within everyone but most people lack the motivation to tap into it.

Back to my brew... cackle, cackle, cackle.

Save me from Sudoku!

I've seen Sudoku before and this weekend I started playing online and have found myself addicted. I spent numerous hours playing. I feel like I've wasted time but Seasonal Affective Disorder has seem to have a sudden effect on me this week and I lack the motivation to do anything productive due to feeling incredibly fatigued.
Yeah that's right folks, even pretty girls, such as myself, stay home on a Saturday night to play nerdy games such as Sudoku all weekend long.

I'm wishing all an early Happy Valentine's. It's the holiday kept alive by corporations in order to suck dry the wallets of foolish men who have been forced to believe that you have to buy your woman something to prove that you love her because if you don't, it means you're a jerk.
It's a holiday for women to reinforce the fact that we hold the power in a relationship (some women just don't get that and stay in unhealthy relationships).
A liberated woman may choose to buy something or do something special such as put out via doggy style.
But we all know what an innocent holiday has become. Oh Mr. Valentine look what your mad idea has done. An idea born out of love - to celebrate love - has become an opportunity to make money off of gullible, pussy hungry men.
But what is wrong with making money.
I support making money. It creates jobs and keeps the economy going.
Slaughter away the flowers that give us oxygen and take away our carbon dioxide.
Massacre the cocoa bean.

Thoughts from a bitter single woman?
No I'm not bitter at all.
I will celebrate self-love and narcissism tomorrow.
I will make sweet love to myself.
I will whisper sweet nothings to myself in the mirror declaring my hotness and my undying devotion to myself.
I will take myself to sexual heights unclimbed before.
I will make myself melt.
And I will fall in love with myself.
All.
Over.
Again.

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!"

The Muppet Personality Test

I made my annual trek to Guelph to purchase my Steiner books. There's only a few dealers who have the books on hand. I know that Chapters and Indigo have them, but only available online. So I go to Guelph to get my books. There's a dealer in Toronto but I'd rather go to Guelph.
The drive was crummy and as usual, my worried mother informs me that there's this storm warning or something. Yes mother, thanks for instilling paranoia into my optimistic mind. Like a weather warning is going to keep me from going out and getting my Steiner fix! It was raining here in Hamilton and then on the way there it turned into slush and then snow. And on my way back, it was snow and ice pellets and then turned to slush and then rain.
I need a new book shelf because mine got filled a long time ago. I'm going to move out this year so my books will be more organized. I have a few scattered upstairs.
I had to specially order some lecture pamphlets and I got a whack of them. There were expensive too. Some were just one or two lectures and it would cost $10. I got in total about 15 items. I finally got this one book that I've been wanting for several years but it never felt like the right time to study it. I'm so happy that I'm ready to read it. There's been a few Steiner books in my lifetime where I felt like I wasn't ready for the ideas but was eager to learn about them and eventually I became ready to learn them. So it's nice that now I can read this book. The book is only 4 lectures and it's called Human and Cosmic Thought. The description sounds good so hopefully it's actually an accurate description of the content. He talks about the 12 main philosophical standpoints and that progress in philosophy depends not upon defending one and refusing others but in learning to experience the validity of them all. Learning these different standpoints is supposed to help us overcome narrowmindedness. I've taken philosophy in university so I'm probably familiar with some of them and he does talk about different philosophy views in Philosophy of Freedom.
Other books I bought include Colour, which is to discuss insights into colour, painting and artistic creation based on Goethe's Theory of Colour. Steiner had a lot of experience studying the work of Goethe because he got to work on his archives. Goethe was around approximately the same time as Newton and he had a different theory on colour then Newton but it wasn't really accepted. Goethe was an artist and a scientist and so he incorporated both in his findings.
I bought Broken Vessels which I think I was told had a different name and they changed it. Here he discusses how healing needs to look into the invisible as well as the visible aspects that make up humans. He calls it inner frailty (the invisible). I think he discusses mental illness as well.
Other titles purchased include Education as a Source for Social Change, An Occult Physiology, Secret Brotherhoods and Anthroposophy has Something to Add to Modern Science. Most of my pamphlets discuss the social order and economic ideas.
Mental orgasms begin!

I went to a friend's new place in Toronto last night. Again my mother was concerned about the weather and asked me if it were possible I could stay over night if necessary. Seriously, it was only raining. Rain is not that dangerous!
My friend didn't have curtains and there was an apartment building across from her building because there's basically 2 in the same lot. So I wanted to flash the people across because hey, maybe we're being watched - which is kinda cool. What can I say my inner performer came out and I would dance in front of the curtainless windows. I couldn't see anyone but maybe there was some pervert who was watching and whose heart I was warming. I would only flash my belly because I'm really just a tease and I think my friend exposed her bra or maybe the whole stuff.

An Interview with Paula

One of my most interesting moments in life was being interviewed by the one and only G-D. I had this exclusive interview and keep a transcript of this conversation.

G-d: You are perhaps one of my most unique creations. You didn't really turn out the way I expected but you somehow managed to turn into this highly inspirational human being. I can honestly say, I didn't really put much effort into you. Frankly I had other things on my mind. So Paula, can you tell the Spiritual Hierarchy and the dead how you managed to turn out so fabulous?
By the way, I am so glad that you took time out of your busy schedule to let me interview you.

Paula: Well thanks God. I never really considered myself to be an inspirational person. I've always wanted to be that person whom everyone would speak so fondly of. I wanted to be that person who had a presence to them and who could convey to others, through their mere presence, that they were confident and loving towards others.
Frankly God, I don't know how I did it, but I did it through perservance.

G-d: Those are such honest and simple words Paula. Everytime you speak, it chokes me up. I really want to know how a creation such as you turned out the way you did. I mean, it baffles my mind.

Paula: Well first off I'd like to tell you God, why the hell did you put me into the family that I was born in? Seriously, none of these people are like me at all. Not the sharpest knives in the drawer. Yes I know they have good work ethics... but God so many times, these people would just say things that would make me shake my head.

G-d: Um, yeah I'm really sorry about that.

Paula: (speaks with the most gentlest of voices)
Do you really mean that God?

G-d: No.
No.
Damn it I didn't know where else to put you. I have a rule when I create families. Every family must have one member who is rational, courageous, industrious and compassionate. This person is literally the glue that keeps the family sane, otherwise the entire family would self-destruct. You know I thought your mother was that person but I forgot to add the rational to her. Every family needs that one person who can think independently, who can question the 'establishment', challenges ideas, get people thinking.

Paula: Excuse God, are you insulting my mother? I don't like it when humans or divine beings insult my mother.

G-d: Oh my Paula, no I'm not insulting your mother. She is fabulous. I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?

Paula: Well God, I would be more then happy to forgive you. Listen God, let's just concentrate on getting this interview done. I just don't understand how you claim that I was not properly designed and yet you place me into a family, claiming I was the glue to keep it together.

G-d: That's an excellent question Paula. I just made you rational Paula, I didn't even do a good job in that, I just gave you the passing requirements so that your family does not self destruct. Somehow, you ended up becoming this fabulous compassionate and brilliant person. That was not my intention. Your evolving was quite miraculous. I'm trying to teach my Hierarchy how you succeeded. You are a mystery to me Paula. And I'm supposed to be Omnipotent and Omniscient.

Paula: Come on God you know that's a load of B.S. You cannot be omnipotent if we have free will, which we so obviously do God. You created free will and in doing so you renounced your omniscient and omnipotence.

G-d: You know that's what I like about you Paula. You tell it like it is. Thanks for keeping it real! You are one of the few humans who has the guts to stand up to me, to correct me when I am wrong.
This brings me to my next question Paula. How did a shy, introverted, nerdy little girl evolve into one of the most brilliant minds of the 21st century? How did you evolve into such a friendly, outgoing, confident and amazingly hot woman? I know I wasn't answering your prayers, so how did you do it.

Paula: You know God, you may not pay much attention to your creations or even put much effort into us, but inspite of your flaws, their is a spark of divinity in each and everyone of us. It can be so tiny but it is enough for us to rise up and fight the ignorance and fear, within ourselves and outside of ourselves.
Not everyone has the desire the find it and many choose the path of darkness and evil, believing it to be answer to their problems. The path of evil is a wonderous path of illusion. It is a path that leads no where. It may take people many lifetimes to finally realize this. I have been fortunate enough to realize the futility of this path. I have realized the only reality is that of goodness and love. Everything else is a false reality. An illusory reality.

I give my credit to this realization to Christ, formally known as JC. Like Puff Daddy becoming P Diddy becoming Diddy. Jesus Christ has taken his name from Jesus to Jesus Christ to JC and now he is simply known as The Christ. He works quite subtly in the world and in my own soul. He is basically that force that motivates you to purify your selfish nature into a more loving nature.


G-d: The name sounds familiar...

Paula: (rolling eyes)
He was your only Son and you sent him from heaven to earth to give humans the impetus so that they can choose to rise up from the dark path of materialism and choose love and shit like that... you remember right?

G-d: (in a slightly angry tone)
Look let's just finish the interview. When did you start to learn to play the guitar and when did jazz become an influence in your musical career?

Paula: Listen God, if you have forgotten your son, you need to acknowledge that. It's okay for you to admit your mistake.

G-d: (crying)
Okay I'm sorry. I just had other things to do. Why do I have to put so much effort into saving humans? Come on learn to save yourself sometimes you motherfuckers! That's why I sent Jesus down. It gave me time to think. It gave me time to play golf.
Fuck!
So he's going by the name The Christ? Fucking son of a bitch. He originally wanted that name but I told him it sounds too Hollywoodized. It sounds like some bad religious movie.
(In movie announcer voice)
Coming soon... The Christ.

(lets out a long sigh)

Paula: Okay God how about we recap this conversation. I turned out so brilliant because of divine intervention by Christ. This divine intervention also goes by many other names and is basically the path of love intervening in one's life. This is my secret of brilliance. It is my realization through darkness of the wonderful, creative nature of love.
Are you satisfied now with this fucking mystery God? Have I fully answered your question? Do I need to explain myself further? Have you forgotten about the path of love? Do I need to go into the idea of negative ego and serving only one's own egotistical need and how that is part of the 'black' path.

G-d: No, that's a sufficient explanation Paula. Again I am lucky to have placed the future of humanity into the hands of my son. Unlike some former political leaders.

Paula: Remember God, it too shall pass.

G-d: Fuck didn't I write that? That's some good shit!

Paula: Did you have any other questions to ask me?

G-d: No Paula. You have been so fabulous to interview. I feel so much lighter. I feel so wonderful and... happy. It's so true what the Hierarchy and the dead have been saying. It is a pleasure to work with you and to be around you. My staff and the dead would like to take a moment to thank you for allowing us this opportunity to interview you. It has been both a pleasure and an honour to have spoken with you.

Paula: Thanks. It's been lots of fun.

Why I'm not a skeptic

I've been spending some time researching skeptic James Randi. I've also looked into skeptics in the past and I've always been bothered by some of what these people believe. I was reading this really good article entitled Why I'm not a Skeptic by Michael Prescott. I will be including that link at the end of my entry.
I consider myself a thinker first. Although I've been studying Anthroposophy now for almost 7 years, it feels weird to call myself an anthroposophist. But I know I can call myself a thinker and I don't feel weird in doing so.
I consider myself fairly grounded, practical and logical. I also have an interest in things of a mystical nature. I almost feel embarassed to talk with people about my various spiritual experiences because I don't want to be perceived as a kook. I know lots of people who have this interest in mystical topics tend to be a little... flaky. Mind you not everyone but there is tendency to not formulate clear thoughts and just focus on feeling good.
So with the spiritual experiences I have, I usually keep them to myself for a while and then I might tell a few close trusted friends. I feel most comfortable with sharing these experiences with my study group because we all have an interest in spirituality. I've never had a spiritual experience where I wasn't filled with self doubt. I've never had a spiritual experience where I didn't question what happened. Along my way I get these little pieces of the puzzle that just defy my logical mind.
I think it's unfortunate that many of these so called skeptics believe that anyone who is willing to consider that maybe there is a God and that maybe there is a spiritual reality, are stupid, foolish and naive.
I can go on and on but I'm going to leave you with a link because many of what Mr. Prescott writes about, I agree as well.


Why I'm Not a Skeptic article

Madcapper

My study group finished reading our book just before Christmas and we had a couple of weeks off as we meet on Sundays and this time Christmas and New Year's was on a Sunday. We had a potluck the following week and were discussing which book to read next. We decided to paint for about 2-3 weeks before we jump into our next book. This isn't ordinary painting. This is using water colours and painting on wet paper. I believe the technique is called wet-on-wet painting. We were doing profiles last week and it's a headtrip I tell you. Because you use water colour on wet paper, the painting is very mobile. My profile took on 4 different faces until I settled on some smiling woman with an afro. This painting technique just sucks you right into it and it's a safe way to have your mind messed around with.
Yesterday I got to present to my group my presentation on Evil that I did for my Foundation Studies course last year. We then painted based on my presentation.
(note to my fellow improvisers: insert joke here)
I was only half done so next week I get to finish the rest of my presentation.

Today I got to vote as here in Canada we are holding a federal election. I like to vote because then it means I have the right to complain about my government. If you don't vote, then you really shouldn't be complaining. I am just ensuring my right to hurl insults and provide commentary on the ignorance and stupidity of those who choose to make politics their vocation.
I think this whole process is so stupid. I think the concept of belonging to a party is so high school. Three hundred years from now, people will look back on the decades where people had a party and laugh that such juvenile political practices were in place.
I think the whole political process needs to be reworked and modified. To me being a politician is job. Why do you need a party? When you apply for a job in a corporation, do you have the support of a party?
I think that an objective and unbiased third party should be set up so that it can provide funding to politicians. The money should be a uniform price based on the region and on the position. Screening processes need to be put in place so that legitimate candidates get funding and a penalty to those who abuse funds. Funds can range for local positions $2000 -5000 (this is just some guess for me) which will go towards getting flyers and pamphlets out and canvassing. Also whomever runs for Prime Minister should have previous political experience. This organization will also organize debates and televise the candidates nationally. Candidates who are running nationally will receive more funding and those running locally will have these debates run locally.
This third-party, unbiased organization also has to be accountable to the public. It cannot give people more money or accept bribes, etc. It has to make all of its financial records and funding public.
Now I know that implementing this new procedure will take many years before it actually works. It will take at least one or 2 generations before people let go of this archaic concept of belonging to a party. Many people who currently are politicians, will not let go of their party affiliation. They will still follow party affiliation even once that procedure is eliminated.
My idea is an idea in progress but I think it is something that will need to be implemented.
So many people are disgusted with politicians and about the whole idea of voting for a party. We need independent people. But when these people try to get this job, they are overshadowed by 'parties'. It isn't right frankly. Being a politician is a job like any other. It is time to level the playing field.
Politicians need to be fighting for themselves and coming up with their own ideas. I know that there will always be corruption in this industry but I think people will feel more comfortable knowing that it's an individual they can oust.
I know that parties were created for one reason and at the time it probably was the best solution but now it is not relevant.
Politicians are meant to serve its citizens and not their own private agenda. This is the ideal, but it is never to be forgotten.

All about me

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

I'm such a nerd. Seriously. I have this intense need to be evaluated.
It would be great if some higher being, like God let's say, pulls me aside and just gives me a report card of how I'm doing in life.
That's what I so would love.
To be evaluated.
Grade me.
Report me.
Rate me.
Analyze and deconstruct my existence.
What am I doing right?
What are my developmental areas?
No human can give me the objective feedback I crave.
Only an enlightened or superhuman or divine being can.
Fuck!

He's Not Into You!

I finished reading He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
An interesting book. My ego is having a hard time accepting the idea that guys may not be interested in me. It all makes so much sense now. I have found the keystone piece now.
For some odd reason I've always had this mental picture that guys who date me will fall madly in love with me because I was so irresistable and awesome. Or something like that.
But it's wrong! This mental picture is wrong!
So does this mean I'm unlovable? This can't be true because I know I'm deserving of love. How can someone not be attracted to me?
If I try and reverse the situation, I think of the guys I've rejected. Not that I've rejected tons of guys but I think why I'm not interested in them. And then I come up with the answer, I'm just not into them. I'm sure they are nice, attractive people and would make someone happy but they are not right for me.
So if that's true for me, then it must be true for everyone else. So the reason why guys dump me or become distant from me is because they are just not into me.
Ouch. How can you not take a statement like that personally?
I don't think I'm unique when I try and analyze and disect why a relationship doesn't work out. Everyone does it. But now it all makes sense. One simple answer.
Great now my left brain can relax a bit.

I've been trying to come up with a metaphor so that I can better understand this whole nature of relationships. I came up with the metaphor that we're all like chemicals. For example, let's say I'm H2. As H2, I'm strong and wonderful and capable of interesting things. But H2 wants a partner so that together, we become something different but still ourselves. So H2 decides she wants to be water and is in search for an O. But H2 isn't really conscious of the fact that she's looking for O, she just know she wants a chemical to become a compound.
H2 hooks up with various other chemicals like Na or Au but it just doesn't work. Na becomes distant and then scurries off for Cl, pissing H2. After getting dumped by Na, H2 wonders if there is something wrong with her.
H2 is sending out the signals that she's looking for an O.
H2 needs to realize that all these wonderful chemicals are in the same search for a chemical suited to them. Rejection is not to be taken personally.

Why hasn't our collective consciousness grasped this idea? All these relationship books that get published. All these televions shows and movies that get produced. All the Cosmo articles. And no one ever says this simple observation. Perhaps this is an idea whose time has arrived.

Birthday!

Greetings and Salutations,

Today is my birthday. It is Friday the 13th. I was actually born on a Saturday during a snowstorm. I am now 3 cubed, which for people who are live in a somnolent state, means I'm 27.
My parents were expecting me to be a boy since they already had 3 sons. They wanted a girl. A nice obedient daugher who helps out.
Instead they got Loki.
Since there were expecting a boy, they were going to name me Paul. Instead I came out a girl and they added an 'a'.
How Canadian of these Italian immigrants to do that eh!

Will today be or not to be memorable?
That is the question.

Initiate

I had this really neat dream the other night. I had a dream where I was on the Mountain (well in Hamilton, where I live, it's called a mountain but it's really an escarpment) and I was making my way home. Then I ended up being underwater and trying to get home. I was next to this home and there was some of that sea dust kicking about near the house. I was looking up as I was on the ocean floor and saw some boat and thinking how I have to swim up. I found interesting how the ocean floor was so bright, because in reality, I believe there is no light there. I like being underwater so it wasn't scary. I know this is one giant subconscious metaphor. What does it mean and when will I figure it out?

I think it's unfortunate that we live in a world where people are still afraid to talk about sex, religion, money and politics. My personal belief is that we should be able to accept people even if they have completely wacked views that clash with us. Why do we have to take things so personally? I disagree with people all the time and sometimes I think their lifestyle choices are completely wrong but I believe that people have a right to live their life as they see fit, and as long as they are not endangering people.

I think people should be able to freely discuss their views and opinions on the above topics. We should be comfortable with sharing stuff like this. We're all fucked up to a degree. We've all got our 'soul garbage'. Why do we act like we don't? Do we honestly think every single person we meet will have the same view on life?

Today I was learning Bebop riffs in my Jazz book. I've finished learning the Swing section. I still need to work on them but I want to move forward.

I'm becoming sickenly happy. I don't know what to do. Why am I always so happy when shitty things happen to me? Why can't I be miserable and sulk and cry like everyone else? How have I come to acquire this upbeat disposition?
I think it is the anthroposophy. This July will mark my 7 years studying anthroposophy (a philsophy by Rudolf Steiner). This spiritual philosophy has greatly enriched my spirit. It has strengthened my thinking, it has improved my imagination and my logic. It has risen me up from a dark abyss to a place where clarity is my natural state. I have over 85 of his books and have studied the work of Rudolf Steiner on a consistent basis. I can't go very long without reading him. The most I'll go for not reading is about 2 months and that's in the summer. But that is normal and to be expected. The most days I can go without reading him is about 4 days. Then I start feeling myself getting out of 'spiritual shape'. With all the books I've read, you would think I feel like I've accomplished something, but I really feel like I've done nothing. I think like most people, I look to the future. I think of the things I want to work on. If I actually accomplished something with my anthroposophical studies or with my life, I probably forgot!

This Friday the 13th marks my 27th birthday. When I was 23, I knew that at 27 things would turn around for me. What does my future hold? Will I become the person I've always wanted to be? Will my inner creative impulses have a chance to flourish? Will I meet the right person? Will I have the children I have felt?
I am at a crossroads.
All I have is what is inside of me.
Is that enough?
All I have is my courage, strength and love of truth.

When do I make known who I am?
Should I come out of the spiritual closet?
Are you ready for me world?
Am I ready to take responsibility for the power I am being given?

All I can do is wait.
Reality will give me an answer.

My Review of the Diva Cup

Warning: I will discussing my experience with The Diva Cup, a menstrustration product.
If you do not want to hear descriptions of this product and how it relates to my vagina, please just ignore this post!
You have been warned!


I recently purchased the Diva Cup which is a cup that is used during your period. I've heard of this concept of using a cup several years ago and didn't know it was available on the market. I saw one a few weeks ago at a health food store and did some research online. There are currently 2 major brands and so I decided to go with the Diva Cup. It's also made in Canada. So as a Canadian, it feels good knowing I am buying a product made in the country where I was born.
According to the Diva Cup site, the average monthly flow is around 3-4 ounces (90-120ml). The Diva Cup can hold up to once ounce (30ml). So you can empty your cup 2-3 times in a 24 hour span.
I got my period this Thursday and am nearing the end of my period. I must say that I enjoyed using this product. I have included a link to this site as I think women should start using this product more.
I tend to use pads and tampons. I usually use tampons for the first 2 or 3 days and then pads at night and for the remainder. The cup is good because it doesn't absorb your vagina's natural mucuous, whereas tampons do.

The diameter of the cup is 1.5" and the length is 2" and there is a stem piece about 1 cm. I think it is great and I highly recommend this product for women. If you're comfortable using tampons, then you should be comfortable with this product. My only complaint is that it is a bit bulky to insert into your vagina. A tampon has a smooth applicator but with this, you need to fold it flat and then fold it again so that it forms a 'U' shape. The cup is made out of medical silicone so it is flexible and it is hypoallergenic as well. For me the first few times were ackward getting it in but with enough experience, I was comfortable with this process. Once you get it in you just rotate it a bit to ensure that is fully opens up. Sometimes the cup would unfold as it was partially inside but even then it can easily be inserted. Make sure that you firmly hold the folded cup before you begin the insertion process.

And the cup is to sit at the bottom of the vagina. It does not go as high up as tampons do. It is actually easy to remove. I just don't understand why there is a stem to it because I find it useless. You can cut it to shorten it. To remove it, I just pinch the base of the cup and slowly pull it down. And be relaxed when you remove it. It's just like removing a tampon except you don't have to worry about breaking the string.

I had no leakage problems but it is key to insert it properly. It just needs to be emptied about twice a day and I did so after I woke up and before I went to bed. You can empty it in the toilet or the bathroom sink. Just make sure your hands are clean before you remove it. I emptied it at work because I was paranoid it would start leaking because I had it in for about 7 hours. What was amazing to me was that the cup only had just under 1/4 ounce and still had room for more.

What I found fascinating was just being able to actually measure and quantify how much menstrual fluid I produce during my period. Using the cup made me realize that it's not a lot of blood that gets lost. For some reason, tampons and pads create this illusion that there is a lot of blood being lost but it really isn't. Awesome folks. It's low maintenance, simple to use and you know its reliable and does not require frequent monitoring.

Happy New Year

Greetings and Salutations Fellow Humans,

I wish all a happy new year. I have been working. I worked yesterday and I volunteered to work today. My shift is from 1 pm to 9.30 pm and I normally have Sundays off but we are required to work a certain number of holidays. I will never volunteer on my day off ever again. I appreciate the fact that I live in an affluent country and can have days off but I feel cheated because I am working an extra day. I am not a fan of the 40 hour work week to begin with. I value my free time. I brought a new book along and read that for a bit. So I enjoyed that.

I had planned to attend 2 New Year's Eve parties, only to have one party get cancelled on Friday because many people were sick. The other party, I found out got moved to another location and I was not informed of this. I do not like driving from one end of the city to the other, getting snacks etc, for a party that isn't going on. I luckily had a back-up plan and went to visit a friend. We ended up watching a movie. A romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon. It was so predictable.

One question that I wonder is do people really believe that there is something wrong with you if you are single and over 30, especially if you are a man? Or is this just a myth created by the media?
Jimmy's character was a man over 30 who was seemingly nice and normal. Drew's friend questioned that there must be something wrong with him if he is still single and over 30.
I'll be 3 Cubed soon and I'm single and I don't know when I'll find the right person, but there is nothing wrong with me. I'm a great catch. Dare I even say that I'm too good and that that scares off guys or shall I say the boys that aren't mature enough.

Being single doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Is that something people believe? Or is this a myth created by Hollywood? I think I might believe this idea to a certain degree. I have 3 brothers all over 30 and they are still single. And I know something is wrong with them.

I really want to see movies in the mainstream not end happily. I want to see movies where the couple don't stay together. Hollywood you are so formulaeic and cliched, it's lame!

Rage

There's this interesting web site that features surveys and I'll occasionally amuse myself by taking some of them. They have one that I've taken 4 times and it's related to the chakras. As someone who is interested in spirituality, I am quite familiar with them and what they are. Also referred to as 'power centres' by Caroline Myss, a term more appealing to us crazy Westerners. The web site is http://www.tickle.com.
The first time I took it, I assumed that my 3rd chakra would be the most highest as I tend to have a pretty strong will. If you take the test, they will give you more info on what each chakra is responsible for and what are signs of imbalance. But much to my surprise, I found that my heart chakra was the highest. Only one time was it not the highest and that was because my crown chakra was a 9.8 whereas my heart was 9.0. I'm not a huge fan of these quizzes but I think it had some accuracy to it. They only give you 4 options to choose from but they should give a 5th because for some of the answers, like maybe 2 or 3, I felt more neutral to the question.

I'll copy the description from today's test. I've placed in bold, the text that pissed me off.

This chakra is located in the center of your chest, near the heart. The fourth chakra represents higher emotions, such as love, tenderness, and compassion. In your case, this chakra appears to be clear and unblocked so that positive energy can flow from it freely. Radiating positive energy from your fourth chakra indicates that you've cultivated higher wisdom concerning the important life lessons associated with this energy center. You're apt to possess an emotional maturity and depth that allows you to empathize with others. Whether you're interacting with strangers or the people closest to you, your fourth chakra conveys the kind of true compassion that can set others at ease.So when loved ones have problems, yours is the shoulder that they're likely to cry on. Perhaps they simply know that you'd be a good listener, or they sense your deep appreciation of people and their problems. It's not that you're always drowning in emotion; you have the ability to be self-contained. It also doesn't mean that you're so focused on others that you fail to care for yourself. It just implies that you have a ready knowledge of and connection with other human beings. This is a gift. Another gift that comes from strong fourth chakra energy is that of forgiveness. Being able to look past others' trespasses is a valuable life skill that has surely served you well in your relationships.

Your fourth chakra is a level 9.8 out of 10. This means that right now, you appear to be the epitome of embodied compassion. As a result, you likely feel an unconditional acceptance of most people with whom you come in contact. You're also much more able than most people are to make your heart open and available to others. This is sure to engender not only positivity in your fourth chakra but also positivity in your life.

I feel rage at the above statement. I don't think it's true. But I keep taking this test and keep getting the same answer. Damn it I'm narcisstic and self absorbed. Maybe people who read this entry should take this test and tell me if you find it to be somewhat reputable or accurate.

To take the test you need to create an account, which doesn't cost you anything. (if you want a more detailed report on some of these tests, then there is a fee, but I just take the free information that they gave as it is sufficient. Taking the chakra test below is free unless you want to upgrade. I personally do not upgrade) The link to the test is http://web.tickle.com/tests/chakra/index.jsp.
The tests done on this site claim to be PhD certified premium tests.

I could have scored high simply because I am delusional. Either that or the test isn't really well constructed. See for yourself folks, particularly those who have some knowledge about chakras.
What an insult... to be called the embodiment of compassion...
Fuck
That
Shit

Reality TV

I must admit that I like reality tv. I don't watch much tv but since I've been off the past 3 days, I've allowed myself to vegetate in front of the television. I was watching The Surreal Life. I've also enjoyed watching Big Brother (BB) this season. I watched BB the first time it aired and it was so lame and yet I continued to watch it. Everyone was all nice and saccharine to each other. This was because it was the audience who decided who was going to get evicted. The following season they decided to adapt some show techniques from Survivor and decided to let them vote each other out, making the show somewhat more palatable. I think I just followed the first 2 seasons and maybe caught an episode here and there since, but this year I actually followed along the whole season. I think this year's season was one giant metaphor of what's wrong with America. It was a microcosm of the macrocosm. The people ended up splitting into 2 groups, the self-righteous people who stated they played the game with integrity but in reality all they did was trash talk the other team and the regular intelligent people who knew they were flawed but didn't act all self righteous. And then there was the floater guy who attempted to pit the 2 sides against each other. A Senator if you will.
The winner of this show was one of the people from the self-righteous group. It was eerie because this person really believed she played the game right and that her 'team' were good people. I see this as a representation of what's wrong with America because the intelligent people allowed themselves to be duped by the self righteous people. They believed that when the self righteous people said they were going to follow through with the plan that both groups decided on (i.e. they both agreed at one point in the game to oust the Senator, however when the self righteous people had power, they went against their word and voted against someone from the intelligent group).
The key fact that the intelligent people ignored about these self righteous people is that they are delusional. They will always think they are doing what is right when in reality, they are just out to please themself and only take care of their own self-centered needs. People like this are not trust worthy and yet these intelligent people in their naivety, placed their trust that these people would follow through with the agreed plan.
Again doesn't this sound a little familiar America?
Intelligent people naively and falsely trusting the untrustyworthy?

Other reality shows I have watched and enjoyed, include The Surreal Life and America's Top Model. When I first saw commercials for the Surreal Life, they just paint the participants as such washed up losers but when I watch the show, they seemed like decent humans. Well some of them were weird, but I could see through to their humanity inspite of their highly eccentric or self centeredness behaviour. I don't understand however, Omarosa. She seems highly sociopathic. She says this is her new profession - to be an actress for unscripted television. So it seems like she sometimes plays an evil and villanious person and she sometimes plays a nice person. Omarosa, you got issues. If you think people watch you for your outlandish behaviour and can't stand you if you are being yourself and being 'real', then woman you've just issues and you need to reassess your life.
I also liked America's Top model because models to me are something I personally despise and it was interesting for me to watch, because I could see their humanness, they weren't just pretty faces. Sure many of them were not bright but there was the odd one who was and some of them had a sweetness to them. My feelings of despise had been greatly minimized. Models are people too.

I must confess as well that I enjoy watching the reruns of Pamela Anderson's VIP show. That show has such lame plots and it's so unrealistic but for some reason I find it entertaining. And I like Pamela. She doesn't seem stupid in real life but she plays a ditz in the show and it's funny. Maybe I like it because the show doesn't take itself seriously. I don't watch the show often but if it's on, and I'm in the mood to watch television, I will watch it. It is a mystery as to why I like this show.

Pretty Boys suck!

We had our improv gift exchange. I enjoyed watching what other people got. I got what I wanted which was a capo for my guitar. Again thank you Santa! You rock! I chose to remain anonymous and my victim enjoyed their gift, which I am glad that it was enjoyed.

For several years I've been wanting to come up with my own way of celebrating Christmas, instead of the typical spend lots of money and go frantic for 2 weeks. I've never officially come up with my own Christmas ritual but I guess maybe I have my own unconscious ritual. On my days off of work I like to spend time in my room thinking. I guess I would be considered highly introspective because I enjoy thinking and solitude. I always wonder what other people do. Am I the only one in the world who needs solitude on a regular basis? I reallly don't think so but sometimes it just seems like that to me.
With my new job, I have to be nice and polite to people all the time because it is customer service type work. I really don't think I'm a mean person but I'm not exactly known for being polite. In fact I would rather just be blunt and direct with people and tell them they are stupid. It just saves so much time. But now I am learning how to tell people they are stupid in a non-direct way - in a subtle, polite manner if you will. This goes against my whole nature. It's called 'soft skills'. This seems to be a skill inherent in women but I somehow seemed to be missing that gene.

We got moved to our desks on Thursday and that guy in my training class - the one who I said I flirted with a bit in the beginning - is now sitting behind me. The arrangement of the office is open style cubicles of 4 and they are back to back. So in my little area, there's 8 of us. I don't know why I flirted with this guy but now he just pisses me off. He's just some annoying pretty boy. A social butterfly. A slut.
He's Oakville pussy!
Some of my classmates were teasing me that now we are together, but I really don't want him around me. I don't find him attractive at all. He just looks like he's had an easy life. Never experienced pain. Living a carefree life and getting drunk all the time and fucking many girls with not a care in the world.
Why the hell would a guy like that annoy me? Pretty boys like him are a dime a dozen. He thinks he's great in bed. I've never actually met ANYONE who stated that they were horrible in bed.
Here's a scenario:
Me: So what are you like in bed? Are you good at pleasing the ladies?
Some guy: No. I'm horrible in bed. My dick is small and all I can think of is having my own orgasm.

No one ever admits to people their sexual inadequecies.
I don't know where I'm going with this.

Anyways, maybe he bugs me because my inner nerd just wants to be noticed and is jealous that he doesn't notice me, an attractive and wonderful single person.
Yeah maybe that's it...

I wonder if I try and read into people too much but I just wonder with him if there is anything more to his personality. I can't believe that he is just a pretty boy and that maybe he possesses some substance or has experienced some hardship. But maybe that's all he is. Maybe he is shallow. I find it hard to understand people like that because I really want to believe that people have some substance, even if it is a tiny speck. I can't fathom someone being 100% shallow.
I never grew up with the concept that I was beautiful or pretty (I was like a tomboy) so I tended to rely on my personality and intelligence. Whenever I meet a woman who is considered 'beautiful' by North American standards, I always wonder how much substance she has. Or if she is just superficial, incapable of intelligent thought. I've seen some girls at work who look 'fake' (someone pointed out a chick who looked fake and I agreed. This was one of the many chicks 'pretty boy' is chasing) and there's an automatic assossociation of fake with that of stupid or vacuous. She seems like an okay person. I can't really say.
But an intelligent person can be vacuous, they can choose to be shallow, to be vain and sacrifice their intelligence.
Why does it take so long to get to know people???

Thoughts on Christmas

I have been meaning to write my opinion on Christmas. I went to my friend Karl the bunny's blog (which I list on the right column). He had some interesting points which also are similar to my view of Christmas (see his What is Christmas? post)

I do not agree with buying stuff for people. I've participated in a work secret Santa and this year I'm participating in the improv secret Santa. I don't mind buying one person a present but I think the holidays are for becoming introspective.
December 21st marks the Winter Solstice and the winter is the most ripe time for introspection and deep soul searching. It is a 'yin' season and like the bear, we are meant to 'hibernate'.
Instead the collective consciousness still believes in spending and keeping busy.
And searching in vain for the coveted 'toy of the year'.

I love this time of year but can't stand the Christmas part. I normally don't feel guilt because I try and do my best and if I fall short then I try to learn and move on. And it's hard to manipulate me with guilt. I seem to have been born guilt-resistant as a manipulation tactic.
But I feel like I'm a bad person because I don't believe in buying stuff. I feel like I'm some cold uncaring Scrooge and that who I am and how I treat people isn't good enough, that I have to buy them something. And it can't just be anything, it has to be good.
I've already mentioned that I have this issue with money and spending it so maybe that's part of my issue but I also don't care to receive presents. Obviously if someone wants to give me something, I'm not going to object.

I think this time of the year is designed so that humans can get into a quiet soul state so that they can listen to their heart and what the spirit of the universe has to say to them. It's a season that is ripe for listening and realizing profound spiritual truths. The soltice is like a portal and this portal is most easily accessible during the winter. This portal is particularly ripe until the 6th of January.
But what do people do? Completely ignore the portal and go the other way, the path of materialism. Products and material wealth is meaningless. They have a place in our life because realistically, if I didn't have food, clothes, shelter etc, I would be suffering. But if you don't get the basic idea that without love and without operating from that place, you have nothing. All the presents in the world will never fulfill that vacuum in your soul.

My training class officially graduated yesterday and we got moved to our new desks. My normal hours start Tuesday and I work from 1 to 9.30 pm. I'm sharing my desk with someone on the night shift but I got to see him this morning as he was done at 8.30. It was nice to meet my deskmate. Today was not a good day but it wasn't horrible either.
Humans are fickle!

Drunken Wanton

I've had quite a psychologically demanding week this week.
At my new job we finally began taking live calls on Tuesday. I was quite terrified. I have this fear of people. I'm usually afraid of meeting people who are new. Someone has to break that initial unknowingness and I'm certainly not one who likes to do that. Usually if I'm surrounded by my friends, I am more brave.
So why the hell am I in a field where I have to help people out all day?
It's a fear that I've got to get over. It has been a life long struggle to be comfortable with people. I don't understand where this mistrust of people comes from, because I haven't experienced torture or extreme suffering in this life.
I can't say I believe in reincarnation but of the 3 existential possibilities (1. we just live once and go to heaven, 2. we just live, there is no afterlife or 3. our spirit is eternal and we come back so that we can make up for past errors and to grow), reincarnation is the one that makes most sense to me.
I recall listening to Gary Zukac when I was around 18 and he was talking about past lives and I remember just not agreeing with that and doing all the numbers to not support his statement. I eventually pondered these 3 possibilities and over the years I have found myself gravitating towards the concept of reincarnation.
For me reincarnation doesn't mean you can spend your life slacking because you'll make up for it later. When I was a child, growing up Catholic, I was exposed to the idea that you die and go to heaven. That didn't make much sense to me either. What the hell do you do up there for eternity? It seems boring to me. And what's the standard of goodness for going up to heaven? Not everyone is virtuous. And those who aren't virtous aren't really evil enough to go to hell. Is there a remedial heaven for these people? A heaven for the mediocre?

Anyways, I digress. I read earlier this year a book by Dr. Brian Weiss who is a psychologist and his book is entitled, Many Lives Many Masters. It talks about how he had a client and he was just using regular hypnosis and this person ended up sharing stories from her previous life and because she was able to resolve the pain she experienced, her life began to improve and her highly neurotic personality was becoming more calm, confident and loving. Dr. Weiss was skeptical about this because he considered himself to possess an academic mind and this was not something he learned about. It's an interesting read and I recommend looking into it.
Obviously there is the possibility that people have false ideas planted into their mind through hypnosis, but people need to know that there's good hypnosis sessions and bad ones and the bad ones are where your subconscious is being misguided or manipulated.
I use hypnosis but I think a better term is to call it a guided meditation.
I bought one of his books that included a regression session. I think I tried it for about a month and a half. I don't know what I got out of it but I had one interesting experience as I was getting ready to go to bed. I had this feeling that someone kicked a stool from underneath me and I saw this quick flash of someone being hung.
I don't know what to make of that experience. It would make sense that my mistrust of people comes from an experience like that. For now, I've just made a mental note that I've had this experience. I don't know what to make of it but it is something I will keep in mind and perhaps I will get an answer or maybe realize that it meant nothing.

I had this interesting dream a few weeks ago that I think occured because of my eye mantra discipline. I just finished my 40 days on that one and am continuing another 40 days because I think it is something that needs to be worked on.
Anyways, in this dream I was talking to a healer. This healer happened to be some middle aged black woman. I can't explain how cool she was. She had a no-nonesense sass to her. She had this ability to look into people's bodies and find out what's wrong with them and so I asked her to look into my eyes and tell me what's wrong with my eyes because I want to heal my myopia. So she looks into my eyes and just breaks down and cries. I got this feeling from her that she saw someone who has experienced alot of suffering.

I believe many times my dreams are just based on things I unconsciously noticed in my day and my dream is just a way of processing these things . But somethings I think my dreams are revealing a message to me and that dream was certainly revealing something to me.

I know sometimes my blog seems really personal but since I already keep a personal journal and tend to write my more intimate thoughts there first, my blog is something that I am comfortable sharing with anyone. I just feel like I'm talking to an invisible friend. I don't know who you are but I know that you're there.

Anyways, some of us from work went out for a drink. I had a pizza at this sports bar and it was really good. My training class is also going out after work on our 'graduation' day which is on the 21st.
I ended up missing my study group last Sunday. I think it was because my family went to the Mandarin. We went along with my widowed grandmother (this is our first Christmas without our grandfather) and my aunt and uncle came, along with my 2 cousins and their wives. Whenever we all go out for a family gathering, it's usually to the Mandarin and frankly I get sick of going there. I enjoy eating the food when I'm there but I just don't like how I feel sick afterwards. And I don't eat to excess since it is a buffet and normally at a buffet, people gorge.

My obsession with jazz continues. I've learned a few more. I'm focusing on jazz licks from the Swing era. There's 14 in this book and I'm going to learn 11 of them which is 79%. I decided to focus on a section at a time and just learn the ones I like and/or are challenging. It's actually quite fun and I am getting more of a feel for this music and getting a feel of the speed.
It's fucking hard eh!

Jazzified

Since last night, Jazz has officially taken over my soul. I keep hearing these various jazz riffs in my head and now all I want to do is play jazz on my guitar.

At improv we are doing a Secret Santa. I got my 'victim' their gift already. I put on my wish list that I wanted a capo for my guitar. I asked someone a few months ago how much a capo is and it was within the budget we were given. I don't really care if my Santa gets me a capo, because a surprise would be okay. But really it's not up to me!
I'm a really practical person so I don't like it when people give you things that you can't use. At work last year we had a secret Santa and I said I wanted a Green Day cd and that's what I got and I listened to it a lot. I still listen to it since I love Green Day.

My birthday will be coming up soon. My birthday is January 13th and I will be turning 3 Cubed. My birthday is also on a Friday and the last time my birthday was on a Friday the 13th was when I turned 16 - which is 4 Squared.
Coincidence? I think not!
I was hoping that I'd be getting magical powers.
So when I turn 3 cubed, I am hoping that this time I will be getting magical powers or something. I used to watch Out of this World when I was a kid and the main character Eve, could freeze time by having her index fingers touch each other. So when I was 16, I did that in hopes that I had that gift.
Hey you never know unless you try!
Anyways, we all know that 3 is a magical number and so now I'll be 3x3x3 (3 3s) and so that's got to have some sort of significance. When I was 23, I had this feeling that when I turn 27, things in my life will start to come together.
I am excited to be at an age where I can state my age as a math equation.
The last time I was able to do that was when I was 5 Squared and I thought that my next chance is when I'm 6 Squared, which seemed so far away. I was quite happy when I realized I could cube 27.
I explained this story to a few of my co-workers but they didn't really get it. You have to be into numbers in order to appreciate my story.