Cops Can Be So Ignorant!

Greetings,

Today I was in my apartment, job hunting in the afternoon. There are 2 door entrances you can exit. I had to run a quick errand and went using the North door in my building to access the parking lot.

There is only one driveway to get out and as I made my way to the exit in my car, I saw a cop car blocking the driveway. If I had exited in the South door, I would have seen them and told them to move. I thought how ignorant of them to be blocking the only driveway we have to get out of here. They could have parked on the street and not have been so ignorant.

Well I honked my horn at them. I am not afraid of cops and frankly find many of them arrogant and many have an entitlement mentality. Like they think you should fear them because they have 'power'.

I do not have fear for people who abuse their power like that. I felt these cops were abusing their power by blocking the driveway. They were just sitting there for no reason.

The one cop comes out and starts giving me attitude because I honked at them. He accused me of having road rage. I didn't appreciate him overreacting to my honking. He expected that I get out of my car and tell them politely.

That is BS!

The cop shouldn't have taken my honking personally but as a common signal from one driver to another, to get out of the way.

I took down his name and he gave me his badge #. His attitude already put me in defensive mode. This is my territory and they were in the way for no legitimate reason only because they were too lazy to park on the street.

I also didn't appreciate him saying I have road rage because I am actually a calm and laid back driver.

He proceeded to tell me that a man fell out of the window (there are only 3 stories and a basement in my building) and that there were ambulances. I didn't hear any sort of that nonesense going on and either that person attempted suicide or he was 'pushed' out because this building has no balconies. He clearly was trying to guilt trip me and make me feel bad but doing that kind of psychological abuse doesn't usually work on me.

If there an ambulance blocking the driveway, I probably would have not honked because ambulances usually don't have this power mentality that I find cops tend to have and usually they are busy working and not taking the easy way like these cops were doing as they clearly could have been parked on the street. Their job did not require that they block this driveway.

I will complain to the police department about the arrogance of this cop because his partner yelled at me as well for honking. Talk about childish! Afraid of a civilian honking their horn? (personally I think cops like this are weak on the inside and only gravitate towards jobs like this so they automatically get this feeling of power and authority... people with real power are humble and do not feel the need to act tough to intimidate people, which I find many cops try to do)

I came back to my apartment after an hour and a half and these lazy jerks were still blocking the driveway. Clearly there was no need for them to be doing so, so it just proves that they were being lazy asses in the first place and they were just giving me attitude because I called them out on their laziness.

Where's the Work?

Greetings all,

I am still looking for a job and managed to have an interview last week. I don't know if I got the job so I am still looking. Where is the work? My Employment Insurance is running out in 2 weeks and I am getting desperate for work!

I hope something comes up soon as I may have to temp until I find a permanent job.

Yes I am in Love with Stewart Griffin

Greetings and Salutations,

I do not have cable and so I don't get to watch The Family Guy too often. I will usually check out an episode on my friend's tv when visiting (no I do go visit my friend because I like her not just to watch her tv).

But let me confess that there is something about Stewart that just makes me want to have his baby. Something about him just turns me on.

I found out that his character is gay, but that doesn't stop the love that I feel for him. He is the first gay person I actually desire romantically. You know how there are chicks out there who are just so darn drawn to gay men. I was never like that.

But now I am.

I think what makes me want him is his desire for World Domination. That is something I desire as well. Me and Stewie think alike and maybe that is why I love him and desire him so.

I know if Stewart and I were to hook up, it would be wrong because he is under age and that would be criminal. The fact that he is animated... well I think we could work around that.

But I would wait for Stewart. Mind you, I'd have something on the side and when he becomes a full adult, I would try to persuade him. I don't know if I'd be successful but I'd at least give it a whirl!

I just want to hold you and love you Stewart. Make love to you and tell you all my secret fears and my desires for World Denomination. And then we can eat ice cream with sprinkles - together.


Wouldn't we make a good couple?

Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

Greetings all,

I have always thought this expression was total bullshit and I still do. For some reason I cannot accept it. Things do happen but sometimes it is just random. I may have experienced a few serendipitous moments in my life but when things don't work out, I don't feel the need to constantly just say, everything happens for a reason.

Why do people always need to find some catchy expression to make sense of what goes on in their life? I mean, I guess for most people, it is a form of delusion. For me, I think I am comfortable accepting things as they are and instead of falsely comforting myself with trite expressions like 'everything happens for a reason', I just think 'whatever' or 'c'est la vie'.

What annoys me too is it gives people the license to just stay passive. I understand in life that we can't always press upon the universe for certain things when we want them - maybe they will occur at another time - but I also believe in being persistent and there is a fine line between being persistent and forcing things.

Sometimes I think people just say that as a way of giving up. Sometimes I find it justified but most of the times I don't.

For example, I had an appointment with someone and I had to cancel it due to a snowstorm. Does it make sense to say that this happened for a reason? It just happened and it was probably best for me to not venture out into the snow unless I had to. It just happened and common sense would dictate not to do anything that was potentially risky (i.e. driving during a snow storm for a non essential task). Why attribute meaning to a meaningless event? Who knows, maybe I missed out on something profound but no one will ever know.

* * *
I keep a blog because I like to express myself through writing. I am actually a little disappointed to learn that someone was reading my blog, not to hear my opinion and to read about what is going on in my life, but was only interested in satisfying their insecurity and was 'spying' on me, so to speak.

All I can say is that this person had a professional relationship to me and crossed the line and thus showed their own unprofessionalism.

If you run a business, then there may be people out there who do not appreciate or respect your services/work and that is their right. It is rather unprofessional to stalk them online and try to convince them otherwise that their business is sound and gets positive reviews.

I have blog patrol for a reason!

Life in the Big City

Greetings all,

Well I have been here in Toronto for just over a month and I think I am settling in well. I am looking for work still and hopefully something will come up soon.

I will be taking a workshop on doing a one person show so maybe that is a possible route for me to go. I just have so many comedy ideas and am trying new stuff that I am not sure which direction to go. It's just so hard being a comic genius!

I have managed to get over my fear of riding the TTC streetcar. For some reason I just was scared to get on it but one day I got over it and took it down to the Eaton Center so that I can indulge myself in Pretzel Maker goodness!

I managed to take my parents to the CN Tower on Monday as my dad has never been there and he has lived in this country for 42 years!

I haven't done too much sight seeing yet and I have 4 months to do touristy type activities. I have to be in a certain mood to do tourist stuff and frankly I am not there yet. There are some museums and other things I would like to see during the summer.

I haven't gone clubbing yet although I think I have been to a dance club here once a while ago.

I still think Barcelona is my favourite Big City. I have been to Vancouver, Toronto, Chicago, Paris, London and Barcelona but I think I liked the vibe of Barcelona the best.

Getting Old

Greetings all,

Being 30 thus far has not been good. I have been going through a lot of inner emotional transformation and frankly I would like for it to just hurry it up! I had a karmic astrology reading done over a month ago and I learned about certain planets in my chart that are in retrograde, which means those are things I have to relearn or redo. So I happen to be retrograde in Saturn, which is the planet of lessons or also known as Father Time or the Lord of Karma (although from an anthroposophical perspective, the new Lord of Karma is Christ).

I am not too much into astrology but I met this woman and she studied and learned about astrology from a karmic point of view and I liked that since I do believe in karma. I also am still going through the Saturn Return, which basically means my Saturn is back to where it started (my Saturn sign is Virgo) and it's going to be there until October.

Here is some info about the Saturn Return (since I am too lazy to explain it) that I copied as an explanation:

"The Saturn Return is a wake-up call, and this is why so many fear it's sobering realities. If you've spent your twenties in a fog, coasting on your youthful charm, it becomes obvious that your foundation is too flimsy for the long haul. When you're young, there seems infinite time to decide what you want to be "when you grow up." Well, Father Time swoops down as you're nearing 30 to say, you're all grown up now, pick a path."

Continuing on:
"The Saturn return brings with it the pressure of time, and often the first awareness of your own mortality. You take stock of what it would take to achieve those big dreams, and often a sense of dread at ever getting there. But happily, it's a time when things like disciplne, focus and clear-sight come in to give you a kind of pragmatic hope. You'll figure out what's still possible, and make the changes necessary to get on track.

It's a crossroads period, when life-altering decisions are made."

And finally:
"The Saturn return often creates a crisis that puts you face-to-face with your fears. And many of these have deep roots in your psyche, but they're also about living up to societal expectations. Saturn causes a mini earthquake to the foundations, and this enables you to shake off what's not really You."

I think I have been going through this and I think I am making progress, although my life is not as together as I would like it to be but I think at least I am on the right path and have made some fairly decent decisions but also made some stupid costly mistakes.

My life feels like a mess. I guess the concept of mess is all relative.

I do feel deep down that I do have to get this life right. This life is my chance for redemption and if I can at least make my goals a reality and gain the spiritual and material wealth that I desire, then I will feel better about whatever royal fuck ups I have done in this life or past lives.

I don't believe in making oneself feel bad about the past. The whole point is to learn, move on and never do it again.

Since I practice mantra, there happens to be mantras that can be used to help alleviate any potential negative planetary alignments. Although I was not really into this idea, I can believe that it is possible. We're all in the same planetary system, why wouldn't planets have some sort of spiritual/energetic effect on us?

I've worked with a Saturn mantra a couple of years ago because I heard about the Saturn Return concept. I thought that I probably didn't need to work on that since I give it a chance but I read that you can chant it each time it changes signs, which is every 2.5 years. I figure since it is retrograde in my chart, then I probably should take this mantra more seriously because I would like to learn the lessons I have set up for myself in this lifetime.

While I have tried to live my life honestly, there are parts of me that have kept me from being my real and authentic self and I have been working on shedding and letting go of that which no longer serves me but it can be too much at times.

* * *
I know I am getting old because I now start to get tired around 9-10 pm whereas before I could stay out later and not yawn.

* * *
I know I am getting old because I now feel like I can no longer engage in random sex (although never really was like that). But now I am insisting on having feelings for the person. It makes me worry that if I do end up getting married, we possibly may get divorced in my 40s (either due to me becoming bored, or my mate not growing or my mate or myself undergoing some weird midlife crisis thing) and then I'll end up being some middle aged sex crazed woman who ends up becoming a cougar.

I haven't sowed too many oats but I think I've sowed enough but you know sometimes you underestimate yourself.

My one fear is to be that person that gets married and in their 40s has some crisis or their partner has a crisis and they end up divorced. I am hoping that I'm not too naive in wanting to actually be with someone until 'death do we part'.

Independence Day

Greetings all,

Today I was talking to my mother. I usually call my parents a few times a week or my mother will phone me. I moved out of my parents back in August 2007 but today I think was the day my mother officially realized something profound, that many empty nesters eventually come to realize.

I was telling her what I was up to and then she said to me that I don't need her anymore. She has come to realize that I am independent and that I can take care of myself.

I think this is a good sign because now we can consciously have an adult relationship with each other, not based on me needing her but as adults.

I told her (I am a bit twisted) that she now should end her life because she has nothing going for her. Plus it will entitle me to some inheritance money and I sure could use some money.

Today shall henceforth be known as Independence Day as it marks the day my mother has acknowledged that I am Independent and no longer need my parents.

Fuck Men!

Greetings and Salutations,

Alright, let's get real. The title of this blog is basically pointing out my frustration with men so this is not going to be a pretty post. Basically I have ranted a bit about relationships but this will involve more ranting and the frequent use of the word Fuck and Fucking.

I went out to a meetup group last night for single ladies. Of course, what usually ends up happening is at some point we have a conversation about men and dating. Some bitterness is expressed and a general feeling of not understanding men occurs.

I've read some relationship books and so I feel I have some knowledge about men. Plus I have socialized with men and have men friends. I think I have some understanding that men are basically alot more simpler then women.

I'm just angry because men are fucking stupid sometimes. Sure we are told women are the emotional ones but really the reality is men are fucking stupid when it comes to emotions and it takes a real men to get this concept of emotional intelligence.

Men run away from a good woman out of fear and then come back after months. Does that make sense? Maybe in a man's world but not for a woman.

I'm angry because being a woman is probably a million times harder then being a man. We have to worry about looking attractive. We have to have babies within a certain time frame and we hear our biological clocks ticking. Men don't fucking have that feeling at all and it creates a real drive within a woman. Men can make babies when they are in their 70s for fuck sakes! Men don't have periods. Men can fucking leave a baby behind and not have the responsibility of raising it (although some women have abandoned their children but percentage wise, it's usually the men in the majority and the women a minority)

Men, here is an important message in case you haven't figured it out:
You have it fucking easy. Grow up already!

I saw there was a meetup group for men to understand women. I messaged the organizer because I think that's a good step for men. How many fucking women make the effort to get to understand men? Plenty, let me say. I wonder why many men actually make the effort to understand women (as people not just as something to sexually take advantage of)?

To me, men just all seem to be busy focusing on work, playing their stupid video games or racing or watching/playing sports to actually take the time to assess women. It really makes me wonder if they actually think about the people that they care about because on the surface it just doesn't really look it since men always seemed more preoccupied with THINGS rather then their interactions with PEOPLE, unless of course it involves the use of a technological gadget like texting on a Blackberry.

Basically men are just boys.

Anyways, I have read and heard about men complaining about how easy it is to be a woman but really it isn't for reasons I have discussed. That is just basically men being childish. Women haven't even been recognized as humans in many countries until the late 1800s or early 1900s. Women still aren't even recognized as humans in many countries and cultures. Men have always been recognized as humans. You've always run the show and caused a lot of trouble resulting in murders, destruction and violence. Some of you have evolved enough to realize that that is wrong.

I try to see things from the male perspective and so I can understand a bit from how they see things. But I basically think men have to put more effort into relationships and understanding women. It's just not about bringing home the bacon anymore since women now can do that and can take care of themselves financially.

But relationships are two way streets. Women can't be expected to do all the work and to learn about men. Men it's time you stepped up to the plate.

And have the fucking balls to admit when you are wrong about something or are not being honest with a woman about your fears. It's childish!

* * *
I understand that as a woman, I have my own biases towards relationships and may have difficulty taking a broader perspective simply because I am on Team Estrogen. I understand that on some level most men and women want the same thing, which is basically love, a supporting partner and sex. Come on you'd be lying if you didn't want to admit you want sex as well!

* * *
I am also tired of the single life and many people probably think it's great to be single. People think I have so much freedom. It's not great because I think for most people it's a basic human desire and need to want a companion and it is very frustrating to be looking and not finding someone who 'fits'. Then all them fucking idiots who are happy in relationships throw out stupid cliches to make you feel better like "you're better off being alone" or "you'll find someone when you stop looking"

FUCK OFF!
Those statements are all total bullshit! A good man isn't just going to come to my apartment.
"Hey I'm Jack, are you Paula, cause I got this message that you were my soulmate and I was also given your address, how convenient and kind of the universe!"

That never FUCKING happens!

It's a lot of work to go out and date people and to search for someone and it's annoying because there are some people who find someone who is right for them so much sooner and it's just doesn't seem fair to me.
It's like always being passed over for a promotion. You know you've got the goods and the skills and you just don't understand why you are not advancing.

Being single is painful, whether people want to admit it.
I am for the most part secure in who I am and have a certain level of self love and respect for myself but you can feel this pain when you are at parties and you are surrounded by couples.

But I feel the pain the most when I go to bed at night and fall asleep in my bed with no one next to me. There is an obvious lack that I feel that many couples take for granted.

Couples take what they have for granted and then trivialize the whole Single experience for us with their trite expressions. Maybe you think you are showing sympathy but you are really showing insensitivity.

This world basically boils down to the Haves and Have Nots.

You couples are in the Haves category whereas the Singles are in the Have Nots. People who have money and good jobs are in the Haves category whereas those who are poor are in the Have Nots. People with great health are in the Haves category. The sick and infirm are in the Have Nots. Doesn't it make more sense to appreciate what you have if you are in the Haves category and to stop patronizing those in the Have Nots category?

Stop complaining about your mates because there is obviously something that drew you to them in the first place. Don't talk about how hard it is to have someone. It's harder to NOT have someone. If you don't like your mate, leave!

Stop having your fucking affairs. Can't you just appreciate what you have instead of going after other single people. Leave the singles for the singles. Don't take more of what you already have. It's selfish.

* * *
I think this is what it boils down to.

We humans are by nature social creatures. Here this topic of singleness gets trivialized because no one really wants to admit that Men need Women and Women need Men. And not need in the sense that they make us happy because that's not true at all. We are all individuals and thus are responsibility for our individual happiness but part of happiness includes having co-operative relationships with people, such as friends or colleagues or a mate.

Purpose vs Lawfulness

Greetings all,

I watched a few weeks ago a movie staring Wayne Dyer entitled "Ambition to Meaning (Finding your Life's Purpose)". I thought it was an interesting movie but Dyer has made one of the many common errors that Rudolf Steiner talks about in Chapter 11 of Philosophy of Freedom. Since I was just completing that chapter for my online You Tube project, I had that concept on my mind. This chapter is about Purpose and in Steiner's day (which it still seems to be alive and well now) people believed that things had a purpose. Like animals served a purpose or things were created for a purpose. Steiner's argument was that Purpose could only be applied to the field of human action. So if I decide to go to school, that is my purpose. Whatever one has for an intention, they create purpose through their actions.

Dyer makes the huge error when in the movie he states that an acorn has a purpose. In Chapter 11, Steiner refers to that as Lawfulness. So what people typically assign as Purpose, in reality it is Lawfulness. The chapter is super short and so I recommend reading it because that is really the whole point in that chapter.

Dyer creates this whole world view based on this idea. Although I like some of what I saw in the movie, I am a firm believer in forming clear and precise concepts and here he uses the word Purpose incorrectly. It is in fact Lawfulness.

The world is not necessarily purposeful. What we perceive in the world is Lawfulness. That things have a certain order and structure and laws. That is not Purpose and much like what Steiner said, Purpose is only applicable to human action.

Steiner also talked about how the scientists in those days felt we had to understand the Purpose of nature and of the things within the world to truly know it but we do not.

Today I came across a podcast that basically used this false concept of Purpose. It can be found at: https://www.sciam.com/podcast/episode.cfm?id=why-people-believe-what-they-do-09-04-10&sc=WR_20090415&posted=1

I listened to half of it and the purpose of these experiments was to understand people's thought processes. The psychologist really did not make sense because she said at one point they conducted experiments where they asked people questions like "Why does it rain?" or "Why do owls have big eyes" to see how they answer it. One of her statements was owls have big eyes to see better, etc but I was quickly reminded of how Steiner talked about how scientists (this bitch was no high quality scientist BTW... what I call an intellectual poser!) would confuse Purpose with Lawfulness.

The first problem with this woman's argument was why even ask people these questions? There really is no answer and it forces people to make up some stupid answer when we all know the real answer is "I don't know" because no one really knows and it really is IRRELEVANT in our search for knowledge. Does it matter why an owl's eye is large? Just study it for god's sake. Why does it rain? It just does, does knowing why it rains help me with understanding the process, Fuck no! Do you think these people will honestly answer that? No they will BS their way because no one likes to be perceived as STUPID. Ms. Lombrozo, you of all people should know that.

Secondly, as a scientist, you do not study the WHY but the HOW, the process. You just study and observe and create experiments. Whether an owl has big eyes and if it helps them to see better is irrelevant of a connection. There are plenty of species out there with small eyes and great vision. Again, no co-relation but because the 'scientist' is insistent that things have a purpose, they make these false leaps in knowledge.

I believe this woman's argument is based on the faulty use of the idea of Purpose and thus is forming poor scientific data and conclusions.

Again this woman's field is psychology which is concerned with the WHY of human behaviour and she has falsely carried that over into the field of science. Science, however, does not care about the Why. It just studies things as they are. It doesn't need to know the purpose of things. The question why is really only used to help understand a process better but sometimes asking the question why just gets in the way and leads to nowhere, especially when trying to figure out the purpose of things that we ourselves did not create.

The whole reason she is confusing Purpose with Lawfulness is because her field is psychology and not science, and psychology deals with human action and it is considered okay to apply Purpose to many things as long as it pertains to human action.

I just have been noticing lately thanks to working on my Steiner project, how people are creating these false world views based on this simple confusion between Purpose and Lawfulness.

Who said a man who lived from 1867-1925 was still irrelevant??!!

Vonage Review/Testimony/Complaint/Warning

Greetings and Salutations,

I am posting about my experience with Vonage, a digital phone company. I recently canceled my service with them and I ended up being charged a disconnect fee of $50 because I was to stay with them for 2 years (I think that is absurd anyways, I've never had a job that lasted for 2 years, how can you expect people to stay with you with the way our economy is?? 2 years is an unrealistic commitment!). I don't ever recall being properly communicated that I was to stay with them for 2 years. I also called them 3 times and initially asked them what their procedure was on disconnection as I had to disconnect my internet service and was notified that I have to give them a 30 days so I assumed there must be some similar process. I was told that I could just disconnect. I was not notified of the disconnect fee and the 2 year commitment.

I wrote them a letter complaining and basically demanding a refund of that fee because it was not properly communicated to me. My letter will discuss the rest of the story. I advise people to not sign up with companies like this, especially if they with hold knowledge about their procedures.

So as you can tell by now, I do not recommend Vonage. Their service may have been okay but they are liars and misleading. If I had known upfront that I was to stay with them for 2 years, I may not have signed up with them in the first place.

Here is my letter:
Hello,

I am requesting a credit because I believe I was inappropriately charged the $50 disconnect fee. I called your company 3 times and it wasn't until my 3rd call that I was notified I had to pay a disconnect fee. I only agreed to it because I was actually moving that day. The first time I called your company, I inquired about the disconnect procedure as I was moving and my internet provider had a policy that you have to give them 30 day notice and I had only given 2 weeks.

I was not told at that point about the disconnect fee and I was just told that I can disconnect whenever I wanted.

I feel I was misled and when I originally signed up with Vonage, I was not told about the 2 year commitment policy.

I also am inquiring about how recent this policy came into effect because it may have occurred after I became a customer and therefore I was improperly charged a disconnect fee.

The 2nd time I called your company to request a cancellation for the following day, I was not notified of the disconnect fee. I was also not properly communicated in my first call that if you disconnect you are calling in the actual day you want disconnected so I ended up having to call a 3rd time.

Communication towards your customer is absolutely key to running a successful company and a successful one is where the customers are given clear directions about the service that they are using.

I believe your company has much work to do to become truly successful and I feel the service I received was inadequate.

I am furious about this situation because I feel lied to and cheated. Therefore I expect a credit for the disconnect fee. I never would have left Vonage if I was properly notified that I had to stay for 2 years but by the time I was told about the disconnect fee, I had already gone with another phone service.

I will not be recommending your service and in fact will be posting on my facebook and blog about how misleading your company is and my experience with this company.

I look forward to receiving my credit.

Thanks
Paula


UPDATE:
June 1 2009
I am here to inform that I did get a refund for the Disconnection Fee, however, I only got it because I complained to the Better Business Bureau. I tried to explain to Vonage via email how I didn't think it was a fair charge for me to receive but they did not acknowledge their mistake and I requested this get dealt with at the management level, which did not happen.

Yes She Was a Bitch

Greetings and Salutations,

As mentioned I had roommate issues earlier on this year. We lived together from October 2007-January 2009. I received a call from her office on March 29. I never answered it because there is really nothing to be said.

I think it has taken a while for me to completely let go of my anger towards her. I was still having nightmares where she would be entering into my apartment and I felt violated.

I thought about taking her to court but I wonder if that would be of any use.

Basically living with her was like living with a clean freak drama queen bitch and it took me a while to realize it. I mean, I could sense something was a bit off with her. I guess mainly because I just considered her a roommate and basically expected that my furniture not get destroyed and that rent is paid on time.

I think if I were ever to live with someone, I'd want someone who was normal and basically who was not like her.

The truth is I was living with a bitch and I wish I was aware of it sooner. She had emotional issues and made the stupidest things bigger then they are but the problem with people like that is sometimes they start deluding you into believing their delusions. I was lucky enough that I was not too affected.

The night I changed the locks, I had taped her as one of my friends suggested I do. This recording she was coming after me and later on I realized I could have charged her with assault. I showed my one friend the video and then went to a show I was performing in. I had some friends show up and was going to show them the tape but it was not working. I was going to tape my set but couldn't as it wouldn't let me see the tape or tape on it.

Today I decided to try again but I could not and so I put in a new tape to record on and luckily it was working again. I somehow think the universe didn't want me to go around showing people that tape. I thought about posting it up on youtube as well but I guess that is not going to happen.

I have a lot of pride in who I am and I think I am still holding on to anger because in some way she has made me look like I am the bad guy, when in reality it was her with the issues.

All I can say is:
Jenn you are a bitch and I hope all the pain and hostility your created comes back to you. I cannot wish you ill will only that what you put out goes back to you. Being a bitch and a bully is no way to live.

Happy Easter

Greetings all,

Hope everyone is enjoying the long weekend. I slept over at my parents as I went over to see friends in Hamilton and thought I'd just stay the night for Easter.

I am bored. My parents are quite boring. I need intellectual discourse or I will go mad!

Feelings

Greetings and Salutations,

Over the years, because of my qigong, mantra and yoga (now doing Kundalini yoga) practices, I have been getting more in touch with my feelings. I think I had suppressed alot and thus tended to be more head oriented and over the years I am now starting to pay attention to my feelings instead of just doing what was rational and logical and I find that really hard.

I don't know if it's our society and education as well but feelings aren't really scientific and I guess for some time now I have been accepting them as legitimate things to acknowledge.

I think the truth is that your feelings give you information about whatever situation you are in as long as you learn how to read them and understand them. I wonder if schools are teaching children to be more conscious on their feelings because I think learning about how to handle and get in touch with one's feelings would have been something I would have liked to learn at a younger age.

Second Life

Greetings and Salutations,

I was watching at my friend's place last night a show by The Fifth Estate on CBC about the internet game Second Life, which is basically a game where people can create an online persona and create whatever life they want and actually have to pay money for various things.

They featured 4 people and they ended up getting married in the online game. One woman was married with 4 children and her husband was getting upset that she spent all this time online. Another was a man who was married as well.

The married woman ended up meeting the man she married online because she wanted to see if she was in love with the real man or if she was just in love with the fantasy. I felt sorry for her family because she ended up neglecting her children and husband and was more interested in her online life.

She spent more then 8 hours a day on it and she was fortunate her husband was able to financially support her.

I found myself annoyed with her because it was obvious that she was just a lonely housewife who had way too much free time on her hands and needed to actually develop a life for herself in the real world instead of escaping into this false world. She bought her online boyfriend an island, which costs $400. How nice it must be to have that kind of money to throw around!

The other person was some man who ended up marrying in real life the woman he married in the game and he left his wife in the real world. They interviewed the new wife and she seemed to me to be a bit emotionally dependent on him. She said that she knows it sounds cliche but she said he completes her. Now I'm sure being in love and finding the right person for you must feel wonderful and comforting but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable using those words 'he completes me'. That just disturbs me. I wonder if people who are happily married for more then 10 years actually feel like that. Have I been naively believing that only I make myself happy and that finding a mate, just adds to my own sense of happiness?

Anyways, she also ended up learning some of his interests, like shooting a pistol and motorcycle riding. I guess when couples get together, if they have different interests, you probably end up learning a bit about their own. She ended up leaving her kids to marry him but they never said how old they were and I think they were older. The man has been married before as well so I think he's one of those men that don't really grasp the concept that marriage is really supposed to be 'til death do you part'.

They should do a follow up show 8 years from now as I would like to see if they are still together, which I highly doubt.

I don't really know what it's like to play the game and how you actually get to know people, but from what I saw, it seemed like people couldn't help but get emotionally involved, whether they were aware of what was going on or not.

I'm sure there has to be some people who play it and don't get so emotionally involved and just see it as a game and have an actual life to worry about. I just think it's such a big waste of time though. Why not actually focus on making your real life better?

I know when Guitar Hero came out I thought it was stupid to play because I think you are better off playing a guitar in real life but I guess playing it in moderation is okay and it can be a fun experience on its own. I guess if you don't get too caught up in Second Life, it might not be such a bad thing but I think people need to realize it's just a game and what goes on in real life is much more important.

I think playing games is good for you but I might be hesitant to try a game like that. I had my phase early on in life where I spent alot of time in chat rooms and wanting to socialize with people but I find it's too time consuming and no friendships ever really stuck. I think you won't have any lasting relationships unless you actually meet in real life and get to talk, whether by phone or in person.

Settling In

Greetings and Salutations,

I am almost settled in to my new place and it is much smaller then my old apartment. My bedroom is probably half the size it used to be but my old bedroom was perhaps a bit too big for my liking.

I am glad that my internet is up and running. I went with some 3rd party company and so got my cable installed but my internet wasn't working and since I also got a digital phone, my phone wasn't working either. So I went down to my friend to use the internet and call up the service provider.

Most of my friends are in Hamilton and my other friend lives in Mississauga. I told her last night that she is my closest friend and she was said she didn't want that responsibility and thought I meant emotionally but I corrected her and said that I meant distance wise, you are the closest person to me. And I have another friend in Erin as well.

My movers were 2 hours late and I was upset about that. They also gave me a false quote over the phone and it ended up costing me then twice as much. I will be blogging about this some more and will go down to complain to them. That was just unacceptable!

It's weird but I didn't think I was one of those people that actually cared about my home and how I live but I found out that my stove doesn't have a clock, which surprised me that I didn't notice and I also can't put my dish towels on the stove handle like in my old place and now I have to put it on the fridge handle. And that disturbs me because it looks better hanging off the stove and not a fridge!

I figure this must be a good sign that I am a woman afterall since how many men would just pissed about that???

I also have to pay for my own hydro so now I am paranoid about how much power am I using. I've been charging my laptop all the time because the battery is pretty much dead but I am not ready to start using a new battery because I bought an extra one and I want to use it after having my computer for 3 years and I don't think I've had my computer that long. I plan on owning this laptop for at least 7 years and I know with my last laptop they ran out of batteries for my laptop so I always had to keep it plugged in so I'm just paranoid that it uses alot of energy. I use my computer alot as well, since I am addicted to Facebook and checking my email fairly regularly.

In my old place since hydro was included, I'd just turn on the lights and leave them on since I have this tendency to wonder in rooms and so I might do something in my bedroom and wonder down to the kitchen, only to decide I want fresh air.

Now I make sure to shut the lights!

Atheists

Greetings all,

Okay I am actually tired of hearing the views of Atheists and how they view people who believe in god as all the same, that is, as religious freaks who are uneducated and have a disdain for rationality. I don't have a problem with people who are atheists, just these ones that have this negative view towards those that are religious.

First of all, I grew up in a Catholic school but I had my own beliefs and I now consider myself a spiritual seeker and am thus always willing to learn about spiritual and religious concepts. I am also a rational person and a supporter of Science. I don't practice religion and don't consider myself Catholic. I have some belief that there is some intelligence that runs this show. I don't like to call it god, I like to refer to it as the Universe but I guess some could consider that as god. I'm also a supporter of Anthroposophy, which is a spiritual philosophy that believes in spiritual beings such as angels, elemental beings (aka nature spirits).

Like any rational person, any new concept or idea that I encounter is something I am willing to consider and if it makes sense to me, I may adapt it into my world view. I like to think that I have a spiritual/religious basket and take the ideas that make sense to me and throw out whatever doesn't make sense or feel right to me. Not subscribing to any one philosophy or religion works for me.

But I am getting tired of how these atheists view the world and non-atheists.

I always saw atheists as the exact opposite of religous fanatics and find they defend their positive, usually with the same fervour as these religious fanatics. You know people, there is such a thing as The Middle Ground.

I can't seem to respect these type of atheists because they just seem to believe anyone who believes maybe there is more to this life than the material world as idiots. I believe there is something more, a spiritual world - a world that most humans cannot perceive. I don't believe in a god as well that punishes people. I don't even believe in that concept. I just believe whatever you put out comes back to you so if you go around hating people, that's what your life will be filled with.

I also don't even believe in this concept of hell. I believe we create our own suffering in life because usually suffering is a result in perception. For example, let's say 2 people lose their jobs. One person will perceive it as a blessing while the other as a curse, done to punish them. It's all in their perception of this experience that determines their outlook on life.

The bottom line for me is you are responsible for your own happiness regardless of whether there is a god or not. And just because I may believe in a god, doesn't mean god is responsible for my happiness. I believe in Free Will as well so god is probably going to give you the freedom to live your life as you want and thus allowing you to make all the mistakes you damn want and actually allowing you to suffer and experience pain.

I still have my doubts about the spiritual world but I think having doubts is normal and in fact I believe it is healthy to question things, even your own ideas. But I have had too many spiritual type experiences that as much as I would like to find a scientific explanation or something rational to make sense of them, I just think there is more to life then what appears to the naked eye.

Also I believe in religious freedom so I don't care if you believe in god or do not or do not care to even think of this topic but it's your right to believe in whatever you want. I don't have to agree with people's religious beliefs but as long as no one is getting hurt then believe away!

I can understand to some degree why these atheists attack religious people but the way I see it, they are doing the same thing to them as what has been done to them. Attacking people whose views are different from yours is not acceptable behaviour.

If you feel the need to attack people, for whatever reason, you need to take a look within and deal with whatever emotions you are experiencing.

I heard about that bus campaign where they state "there is no god so enjoy your life anyways" and I find it repulsive. My friend says that there are advertisements on the buses for other religions but I usually find that funny how some of these religious ads try to convert people. It's lame and frankly I wouldn't be persuaded. Much the same with the bus campaign. How do you know there isn't a god? I think it's actually quite ignorant to act like you know something isn't real when this topic of whether there is a god is something that has been debated over thousands of years and without a sufficient argument, these people just dismiss the existence of god???

Also, there are people out there who do believe in a god and actually enjoy life. I do enjoy life and I also happen to have a belief in a higher power. Not everyone who believes in a god or higher power believes this god is a pleasure denying one. My conception of god or a higher power is one that is loving, patient and most of all has a sense of humour.

Also what I find funny about the campaign is they act like this concept of not believing in god is new. Ummmm remember that quote by Nietzsche where he said "god is dead"? Atheism is not a new belief system, it's been around long enough and if you think you are being edgy by declaring your non-belief in god... well let me tell you, you are not edgy!

Whether you believe in god or not, it doesn't matter because we are all entitled to our own opinions and we can all respect each other in spite of different opinions about god.

Spiritual Liberation

Greetings and Salutations,

I have been practising the Gayatri for quite some time now as I have been practising mantras for about 4 years not. I had explored and practised with several different mantras but this past year and last year I have been primarily chanting the Gayatri as I have felt like I don't need to chant other mantras. My favourite is Kali though but I don't work with her energy too often because she is quite potent. I've been chanting the mantra silently at least 50% of the time for several months now and chanting silently is more potent that chanting outloud or whispering but it also is more of a challenge. In the beginning it felt like ploughing through mental sludge.

The Gayatri mantra is a meditation on spiritual light itself. You can learn more at this site as that is where I purchased my mantra CDs from.

I had an interesting dream back in December, actually on Christmas Eve. It is usually required to do a proper discipline of 40 days, although you can do shorter ones for 20 or 21 days but 40 days is the Classical approach. Typically something will occur around the 33rd or 35th day into the meditation.

I copied this from the site and it says:
"Then as you progress, you may find that things start to get in the way of your doing the discipline: You oversleep; there is some minor emergency; you get a cold, whatever. This means that you are beginning to effect the inner 'something' for which you undertook the mantra. You are beginning to encounter inner resistance. That inner resistance manifests as outer obstacles to your discipline. It has almost become a joke in many spiritual circles in which the practice of mantra is common, that something of a very surprising nature happened on day 33 or 35 of a 40 day sadhana."

I think it was significant that I had this dream on Day 33 since it was probably a result of the discipline I was doing. I didn't have any particular focus for the discipline. So back to my dream. I was with my friend and her mom (whom I have never met) and we were on some outdoor patio restaurant. There are some attractive men at my table and the table behind us and I attempted to flirt with these men but then they started turning evil on me and so I got nervous and sent them energy. I think I was sending protective energy so they wouldn't hurt us. I then hear a gentle feminine voice telling me 'not until June'.

I really struggled to make sense of what this dream meant for a few days. What the hell is not going to happen until June? I mean, I have never heard of having the ability to ward off evil. Well except when I read about the Narasimha mantra, which is a mantra to ward off evil in extremely difficult circumstances, but that seemed to be something someone had to consciously do and I wasn't chanting the Gayatri to ward myself from evil. I've heard of spiritual abilities like healing or manifesting and other strange things but is this what I have to wait for until June? I know that Gayatri is a protective mantra and wondered if this is what it is referring to? I also thought maybe it meant I won't find a boyfriend until June but that didn't make sense to me since I was trying to protect myself from them.

I continued to go about my business but trying to understand what this vivid dream meant was always in the back of my mind. I came to the conclusion that it at least must mean something good would happen, like a good shift in my life.

I awoke last night at around 5.30 am and got the feeling that 'not until June' meant for me that Maya or the spiritual veils so to speak, will be lifted for me. To what extent who knows. The link I gave above is a good one to get an overview of the concept in case you are not familiar with it. I have another book by Thomas Ashley Farrand and the Gayatri is used to help you stay in touch with your Dharma (your true purpose) but also it helps one to achieve Moksa, which is Spiritual Liberation.

Since I have had in the back of my mind that dream, I would have liked to have known sooner to what it meant specifically. Isn't the Universe a bitch sometimes? Like thanks for giving me a profound dream like that but to leave me hanging on what it meant for 3 months...
the Universe is a tease!

I know how the Universe can be sometimes and it doesn't seem to give you the answers to the questions when you want them, more in its own time, which sucks. It's cool though that the Universe finally gave me a schedule for when I can attain Spiritual Liberation. Doesn't that sound like a contradiction though, that Spiritual Liberation will occur at a given point in time, namely for June??!!

I went up to my Catholic mother and told her that I have something important to tell her and her eyes lit up but when I began telling her that I will be attaining Spiritual Liberation in June. She asked what it meant and as I explained, she gave me this weird look, like perhaps I was on drugs. This concept was completely foreign to her.

I told my old school dad as well and started to talk about how our perception of the world is an illusion because we believe we are separate from our Universe and create this duality in perception and that I'll be attaining Liberation from this false perception but he didn't really get it either.

I wonder if it was wise for the Universe to awaken me last night with this insight into my dream because now I have announced on my Facebook status that I am scheduled to attain spiritual liberation this June and now I'm blogging about it and perhaps I'll tell all my friends and rub it in their faces how now I'll be liberated and will no longer have to incarnate on planet earth unless I choose to help humanity and that I'll be free from this cycle of Death and Rebirth.

Candles

Greetings and Salutations,

I was at the Dollar Store today buying chocolate because that's really the best place to buy them. Anyways, I wandered through the store and saw candles and candle holders. This triggered in me my dislike of candles which made me realize, I need to blog about candles.

I guess since I am female and have a vagina, I therefore must be into candles but I never liked candles and you won't really find candles in my apartment.

First of all, I never understood the point of them. We have electricity and lamps, what purpose do candles serve?

The only time I bought candles was to do a 'magic spell' but that was in my early twenties and it's almost a prerequisite in your twenties or your teens to attempt some form of spell casting. Of course, you are only to do this for good as anything bad you do comes back to you 3 times. So that really is the only reason why I bought candles. And I needed 3 - black, green and white - for symbolic purposes and to burn the spell (basically my objective) that I wrote out earlier. I did that in my bedroom and actually wasn't as prepared as I should have been and it ended up smelling bad and causing a bit of a mess and my parents wondered what was going on.

I never told them of course and made up some lame excuse. My religious Catholic mother just wouldn't understand the concept of casting spells (which I don't do and only did the one time. It is not really my thing)

I actually decided to use a candle when I take a bath on occasion because I found it helped to set a relaxing mood but really that is the only time I would use them.

The only other useful time I would think to use them is during sex but really what is the point of that? Isn't the dark good enough for people? Open your curtain or blinds a touch to get the moonlight glow (or citylight glow depending where you live) if you want some moodlighting. Then you can see the soft glow of light on your lover's (or one night stand fling, depending on your attention span) skin.

Doing that is much easier instead of lighting a bunch of candles because then you don't worry about the smell after you blow them out and you don't have to worry about accidently causing a fire if your sex gets a bit wild. It has been proven that many house fires are due to candles and I am guessing it's because the sex got a bit too wild and people forgot about the candles they lit earlier.

I know for me when I use it in the bathtub, things are pretty calm.
Very unfortunate indeed.

News Update

Greetings all,

Today's post is just about news. Nothing exciting to report in Paula World.

I got my letter from Mensa yesterday as I took the Mensa home prep test to see if I actually had a chance to be in Mensa, which is for people who have IQs in the top 2% of the world. Well my letter said I didn't pass and I emailed to see how close or how far I was from passing and it turns out I was really close and was only 1% from passing.

FUCKING BULLSHIT!

I am one angry nerd!

Anyways I will actually go and get an IQ test which means I'd have to get a psychologist who does these tests so that I can get an actual score. I can actually get into Mensa without taking their supervised test but my IQ has to be at a certain number so I figure I'd rather just get an IQ test and if have a high enough IQ, I will just submit my application.

The good thing though is that this means that I probably am a genius so as I was out having dinner with my parents this evening, I was telling them how I will be able to brag about my intelligence and if necessary rub it in people's faces, because really what is the point of being super smart and not being able to rub your intellectual superiority over people.

Use my intelligence for good?
P-shaw!

My mother said I need to be humble but if I am around someone that is a complete idiot and a jerk, I will throw out the genius card. Hey people out there use the race card, as a nerd, I have the genius card.

I don't have a problem with people who aren't as smart as me but I have a problem when people try to act smarter then what they are and try to make it seem they are know-it-alls and are unwilling to admit when they are wrong and unwilling to learn something knew.
* * *

I've been really bored lately and I think moving will be good for me. I need to get working and probably will need a day job for a while until I can start making money in comedy. I am not sure how things will work out but I am committed to my vision for my life.

I have way too much free time at this point. I don't like the idea of working full time either because then I end up with not enough free time.

I did some packing and I have been taking things slow mainly because I think I can get all packed by the 1st.

It'll be weird and now I won't be able to see my friends in Hamilton much either.

And I'll have to change my area code, thus I will feel more estranged from my family and friends in Hamilton.

* * *

I've been going to some spiritual type meetup groups and one of them, which I only went to 3 times and stopped going because I felt we weren't learning too much and it seemed more like a yak session, I recently found out the organizer is part of some magic spells circle and they are actually power hungry and stealing people's energy using hooks (I've heard of stealing energy but never heard of using hooks). These are psychic hooks folks, not literal hooks! I was told there's 3 of them in the group and one of them is not aware that the other 2 are stealing people's energy. They cast spells and I guess don't possess enough of their own juice to make it happen so they steal fresh energy from others.

I don't know if my fellow readers believe in these things but if you are a believer in this concept of energy, then you ought to know there are people out there who pose as spiritual type people who are really power hungry and seek to take what does not belong to them for their own selfish reasons.

I was surprised to learn this because it doesn't make sense to me. You can tap into the universal energy of the world, there is no need to take people's energies for whatever reason.

And what kind of spells are these people trying to cast? I mean really, this life is about learning to love and to grow and to be of service to people. We are really here to make the ego subservient to the higher self and not the other way around where we use spiritual forces to please the power hungry ego.

Another group I was in and have decided to stop going, the same type of stuff was going on although it occurred during a reading I had with the organizer and I don't know if she was doing that during the meetup groups.

I also don't know if she is conscious of what she was doing. I had a reading with her a month and a half ago and she claimed to send energy to me. She said she was 'helping' me with during the session (said I had a curse on me, which I didn't really believe) and I ended up feeling rather tired and napped that day. The following day I felt dazed and the next day I was angry and that lasted about a day and a half.

I didn't know what happened but I went to get another reading done by someone else as someone I knew recommended this person to me. I think I had this reading done about 3 weeks afterwards. I am not someone who is 'reading happy' because I believe you need to learn to trust your own inner guidance instead of always looking outward but I think every once and a while it doesn't hurt to go to one.

This person was telling me that I had a spiritual vampire in one of the groups I was in and instantly I thought of the woman whom I had the reading with. I began to tell her my story and she said she was dumping her negative energy onto me and taking mine.

I think she was right because I never had a good feeling about this person as soon as I met her but I like many people, have a tendency to rationalize my feelings and continued to go to this meetup group. I went though because I liked the other people in the group and felt they were really positive people.

I don't know if she is aware of what she is doing and I think perhaps there is a part of her that wants to do good in the world but she does have an ego and has lots to learn if she is claiming to be part of a spiritual path.

I know that if you are engaging in spiritual pursuits, there will be people, like in anything else, who cannot walk the walk but merely talk the talk. There are what I like to call Spiritual Posers and fortunately for me, I was smart enough to realize what was going on in this group, although I wish I was more aware of it sooner.

Stupidest Interview Question Ever!

Greetings all,

I went out on Friday to a meetup and one of the people I met, whom I met before, works in a non profit employment counseling centre. Since I will have to find a day job soon, one of the questions I always hated to have someone ask is "what is your weakness?".

I would always rack my brain over this one because I really thought it was a stupid question. Like it was obviously a trick question and I would wonder what do they really want to know? I mean, if you answer 'wrong' you may not get the job. I know for my last job I believe I was asked this and said that I had a tendency to be late but I was working towards not doing that and have been successful but I have to make the conscious effort to be on time. So my weakness was that I had to make a conscious effort to be on time.

One of the things this woman does for her job is help people do well in interviews so I asked her what are employers looking for. She said to pick something that is not related to the work, like say if you have the tendency to be late. A good answer would be saying that you are shy since it might take you a bit longer to open up to coworkers.

I told her that I would prefer to answer the question as follows:
I don't believe in the concept of weakness as I accept myself the way I am. I believe that I have things to learn and to improve upon but I do not see them as weaknesses. Therefore I cannot answer this question because the concept of weakness doesn't exist in my mind.

I probably would have added as well that this question can be improved by asking the interviewee "What do you think you need to improve within yourself?", as I can honestly answer that question. I cannot honestly answer the question "What weakness do you have?" because as I mention earlier, the way I perceive myself, I do not perceive myself as possessing a weakness. I guess because of my spiritual practises and because I make an effort to stay in touch with my 'higher self', I identify with that rather then the 'lower self', which can improve. My 'higher self' is perfect as it is and since I can get in touch with my 'higher self' or my heart, the whole question makes no sense to me.

The woman said my answer was honest but it wouldn't work.

Isn't that fucked up though? Here employers bitch about wanting employees who can 'think outside the box' and when one actually does, they potentially may not land a job because they aren't giving the 'proper' answers??!!

Fuck off!

Just because I am honest and am not willing to just answer mindlessly a question, doesn't mean I cannot do an effective job and it doesn't mean that I won't fit in with a company. I am not a threat at all and actually enjoy getting along with people but I cannot lie and I cannot not think independently.

New Place

Greetings all,

I finally found myself a new apartment in Toronto. I was getting frustrated because I have been looking for several weeks and wanted to find a place back in February. I kept seeing this image of a house, actually a house an ex of mine lived in so I thought that maybe I should look for a floor in a house to rent but the few that I saw I liked, but didn't like the location.

I'll be moving to the West end of Toronto, in the Parkdale area. I am a 15 minute walk to the lake which I am happy about. I currently am a 15 minute walk from the lake and do go for a walk there every once and a while.

I had one place that I was interested but since I was unemployed, they said I needed a letter from my bank saying that my account was in good standing. I have President's Choice banking and so I spoke to them over the phone (since they have no actual store fronts) and I told them the situation and they said they would try and get it expedited. Well my letter was ready by Thursday and I found out that the place was taken. I figure it probably would have.

The only thing I don't like about my new place is the view. My current view is kick ass, largely due to the fact that I am on the 16th floor and so when I eat, I find it relaxing to look out the window.





My new place is a low rise and I am on the first floor. There is a building next door so really my view is not interesting and also there is no balcony, so I'd have to chill at the front if I wanted to sit outside.

I had found an area that I liked and it was getting frustrating because some of the buildings were either out of my budget, no vacancy and some I found negative reviews about them online.

I saw one place that was in a house and it was a nice space but some old Portuguese woman owned it and lived in it as well and although I thought she was okay, I think it would be weird to live in that situation. She had this tendency to break into Portuguese I think because sometimes I couldn't understand her and I was pretty sure there were times she wasn't speaking English. Plus I'd have to park my car on the street which I wasn't too keen on. Also since I really wanted to live by the lake, I didn't like the location and I really wanted to feel like I am living in Toronto.

I am a little nervous because although I really want to leave, going somewhere new is a little scary since I don't know what to expect and I'm going to be stuck there for a year. I know when I left my parents, I really wanted to leave but also felt like I would miss the safety and of comfort of where I currently was.

I have lots things to get going this year and hopefully things will flow better in my life. I don't think struggling with things is the way to go.

Taking A Break

Greetings all,

I have decided to take myself off the dating site I have been on. I am tired of dating and the effort it takes.

I don't believe in that whole expression where you'll find someone once you stop looking because it's so not true! There have been plenty of times in my life where I wasn't looking for someone and the reality was... I never found someone.

Anyways, I've had enough of dating people so I'm calling it quits and taking a break.

I will now need to buy cats.
Lots of them.

The Nice Girl

Greetings all,

Yesterday I was not in a good mood. I came to realize something unsettling Friday night during my daily meditation, which I chose not to discuss in a public setting.

Anyways, I started to feel sorry for myself and actually began to feel like, why do nice girls always finish last?

I was on a dating site and checked out their forums, which I found to be depressing and one of the topics I saw a while ago and is a common complaint of many men is they wonder why do nice men finish last?

I always thought this was just how weak people express themselves. I never liked the term nice because really what does it mean? I think for the most part I am considerate towards people and I guess a nice person is someone who isn't majorly selfish and likes to get along with people.

These people that would complain about why nice guys finish last seemed to me to be people who couldn't admit they made a mistake or had some weakness or were blind to something or someone's flaws. This to me all seems like letting yourself be taken advantage of and not setting proper boundaries. Does this mean you have finished last because you are nice? No it just means to me you haven't learned your lesson. Saying that also seemed like a form of pitying, which in reality is not productive.

Never in my life have I thought or felt like why do nice girls finish last. I have thought about why do bad things happen to good people but obviously bad things happen to both mean and good people.

I couldn't believe that I actually felt that way about myself yesterday and it embarrasses me. I know I probably engage in self pity to some degree but saying the phrase 'why do nice girls finish last?' is probably the lowest form of self pity in my eyes.

I do feel I am tired of life at times and life sucks at times and when life sucks it's hard to see what is the point of it all and it seems like good times are elusive.

I get tired of getting knocked down only to get back up again and then get knocked back down. For the most part I try to learn why I get knocked down in the first place so that it doesn't happen again but it seems like in certain parts of my life I just keep getting knocked down and I am getting frustrated I am not learning what I need to learn to move forward.

But what does it even mean to finish last? The whole statement makes no sense. Most people end up in retirement homes and not enjoying life in their last few days of life. It seems only a few die suddenly and in good health, at an old age.

I think that whole expression is just a cop out so that people don't take responsibility for their lives and I am sad to say I had felt that yesterday. Life can be ugly, messy and dirty but it also can be beautiful and fun.

We all have weaknesses and lessons to learn so I and everyone else is better off on dealing with stuff instead of engaging in self pity and being unwilling to learn from life and from our mistakes.

Heart Work Sucks!

Greetings all,

I've been processing alot of stuff emotionally lately (as you can see by the frequent posts...thank goodness for blogs!). I was at a meetup last night for a night of Settlers of Catan and was talking with one of the people whom I was playing with about online dating. I said some guys ask me how my experience has been on the site (I'm using one in particular, which I won't mention here). I was saying to her I don't understand why guys ask me this question. I end up getting a bit defensive and paranoid. But the woman I was talking to says she asks that as well and usually asks out of innocence.

I was thinking how can being asked this make me defensive and paranoid? It really didn't make sense to me but it does make me feel this way.

I can see asking out of curiosity and it just makes me realize that I have some issues to work through because it really doesn't make sense why I would get defensive. I've been doing lots of meditation focusing on all of my chakras but am focusing specifically on opening my heart and I find that it is opening me up emotionally to things I have suppressed and not dealt with. I don't know why I have suppressed so much but I chalk it up to past lives because I don't think I have experience much trauma in this lifetime.

I'm unemployed and I have been using this time to process my suppressed emotions and really getting into myself. People wonder what I do all day and well basically I tell them things like I write comedy or have my anthroposophy you tube project that I am working on or I say I'm taking time for myself at least so that I can justify how I spend my time.

I guess deep down I wonder if anyone actually understands the value of processing your emotions.

I'm opening my heart center, okay that's what I've been doing these past few months.

Leave me the Fuck alone!

I know my Employment Insurance is running out and I have to get back into the real world - which is something I want to do anyways. Believe me I know how the world works. I know you need money and to work to pay the bills.

I've got shit to process. Emotional shit. And it's not easy.

I really don't want to have to do this but I feel like doing this inner work is the only way I am going to honestly move forward in my life and be truly happy.

So I know that I probably get defensive when these guys ask me this question because I don't want to get hurt. But if I try and examine why I am afraid of getting hurt, there is no legitimate reason. How can they hurt me by asking me this question? Most guys probably are asking me innocently.

I guess I'm just like everyone else who is afraid of getting hurt but doing this heart work is making me realize that as long as I take care of myself and love myself, no one can really hurt me.

Cleaning Dishes Theory

Greetings all,

I'm not one of those people that obsesses over cleaning up after myself. I'm not a slob either and so I am in the middle. Not the cleanest but certainly not the messiest.

My friend and former roommate were the type of people that couldn't go to bed if they didn't have their dishes clean. It would bother them. I like my friend. My former roommate... we've established she is crazy.

So these people demonstrate an obsessiveness towards cleaning and my theory on why some people are obsessive over cleaning is because they have some belief that they have where they equate their character with having a clean place. Basically somewhere in their mind, they believe that if things are not clean, they are a bad person.

I don't have that belief about myself, mainly because I know I'm a good person and whether I keep my apartment perfectly clean is not a reflection of my innate goodness. I am still wonderful even if I do the dishes every other day. I can be as messy as I want to be and I am still lovable.

It just makes me an untidy person, not a bad person, or an unworthy or unlovable person.

So for these people who are anal about cleaning, it is time they take a good look at the beliefs they have about being clean because the reality is a good person doesn't have to be perfectly clean.

The Reality of Life

Greetings all,

I was talking to my former coworker tonight and we talked about how people were getting downsized in my former company. I have learned from life and am observing with this economic situation we are experiencing that it is pointing out the reality of life and that is no one really has control. A company can only prepare itself so much but shit happens and no one is to blame. No one really controls what happens and here we are living these lives where we try to control things and invest the time it takes to maintain these control mechanisms that we have.

It's just easier if we accept that we aren't in control of what happens to our external world and that the only control we have is over our emotions and how we chose to react to the events life throws at us.

I remember telling someone in my book group a few weeks ago that I felt panicked that I didn't have control over things but as I expressed these words, I knew I at least had control over myself but at that time that didn't seem good enough.

I wanted some control over the external world but the reality is, I'll never have that and no human will ever possibly have it.

And it really doesn't seem good enough to have control over our inner world but really when life takes things away from us, that is all we have and maybe we just need to start properly nurturing this inner self.

Our homes can be destroyed by Mother Nature, our lives can be taken away by our fellow humans, our livelihood can be taken away by the sheer lack of demand for it. But all we will ever have is what is inside our hearts.

So doesn't it make sense to take care of our inner needs and take care of our emotional business and make that as the foundation for how we go out into the world?

Let's all accept this reality that no one is in control, despite the illusion that sometimes it seems someone is in control and get down to business of living our lives.

Greetings and Salutations,

I was over at my friend's on Tuesday and went to pick up subs for us at Subway. It was around 7 pm and dark. I am walking on Lakeshore, a high traffic area with the occasional pedestrian. On my way back, some guy walks by me and says 'hello' and as we pass I hear him say 'you're beautiful'.

I enjoy compliments as much as the next person and occasionally pester people for compliments to stroke my ego. At least I know I want my ego stroked so knowing that I want my ego stroked, seems harmless.

Another incident happened while I was on a date with a guy. We were at this dessert place and this man, probably in his 40s - who also happen to be sporting the homeless man look - kept staring at me. He was with a couple of friends. I wondered why he kept staring over at me and my date said it was because I was attractive.

I guess I am attractive but at the same time, I don't get it. Why did that first guy on the street say I am beautiful? When a stranger says something like that to you, I always wonder if they are crazy and have a sane mind. But really what are you supposed to do when you see someone who is a stranger and whom you find attractive?

The guy sporting the homeless man look... what was he really thinking? I wonder to myself, is there something showing that shouldn't be, do I look funny?

I don't think I am insecure but I usually approach things like that from a different angle. If guys are staring at me, I usually don't think it's because of my looks.

My ex friend was a hottie and I would tell him that but he just didn't think he was and I guess I am the same way although I do look in the mirror and think I am hot but then I forget about it and focus on other things.

So maybe that's why I don't get that whole hot/beautiful concept because I focus on it on certain times and moments and usually when I get compliments I am focused on other things.

Damn it I just want people to fawn over me when I am doing it to myself. Or fawning over me when I tell them to, not out of their own free will! Sheesh...
Synchronize your worshiping of me when I am worshiping myself...
Is that too much to ask??!!

The Politics of Being a Girl

Greetings all,

I was talking with one of my friends on Saturday and we used to go to the same high school for about 2 years but then she moved away. We didn't know each other in high school but my one friend was friends with someone and I became friends with that person who was friends with this girl who I was talking to and who I consider my friend now.

Anyways, these people I knew in high school, when we get together we talk about high school for some odd reason. I normally don't like to talk about the past but it comes up sometimes.

My friend was telling me about this one girl, Nada, who left the high school after a year and I found out it was the same girl that picked on me. I told my friend of the time when I was in grade 9. I was still hanging out with my friends from elementary school and one of them had a boyfriend and they were trying to do the standard 'trying to find Paula a boyfriend' scheme (BTW I was no longer hanging out with them when I was in grade 10. They went weird on me and became mean). They wanted me to go after this one guy named Tom and although he was cute I don't think I was really interested in him. This guy was in the same social circle as my friend's boyfriend. I liked a couple of other guys in that group but I don't recall if I kept that to myself or shared that with my friends.

They had me call up this guy on a Sunday afternoon. I was shy and I really didn't want to but I did just to get my friends off my back about this. I don't know if I actually talked to him but I am pretty sure I hung up on him after he said hello to me. I was really scared and so I panicked.

The next day 2 girls came up to me, in a non-friendly manner, about why I hung up on Tom. The one girl, Kelly who was in grade 10, I found her to be intimidating and she was a bit bigger and taller then me (me being 5'6"). The other girl was Nada. These 2 girls, only confronted me the one time but it deeply frightened me.

I usually kept to myself and so was quite taken aback when they confronted me about this. Me being the introvert, didn't know what to say and frankly I shut down and had little to say. For the rest of my high school years, seeing Kelly made me uncomfortable. She was in one of my classes as well either when I was in grade 10 or 11.

I didn't find Nada intimidating, mainly because she was shorter then me. Since she left the high school, I never had to deal with the uncomfortableness of seeing her.

My friend was telling me that apparently both of these girls had crushes on Tom and so I now understood why they came after me. They perceived me as a threat. The reality was that I wasn't a threat and wasn't even interested in this guy.

I am pretty much over the pain of my high school years and so this story amuses me mildly.

I call this post The Politics of Being a Girl simply because some girls are like this. They just confront you on stupid things like hanging up on a boy. It's really up to the boy to decide if he likes you and there is no point in fighting over a boy.

I never believed in fighting for a man and I never have and never will. No man is ever worth to me to fight over another woman with.

My friend's mother instilled in her to let the boys chase after you and sometime last year she gave me advice (which I honestly probably didn't pay attention to) to date multiple guys and don't give up the sex early and let them pursue you. It took me a few books and much emotional processing to finally come to that understanding. I think she was very lucky to have learned that lesson and I am glad to have learned that as well, even though I didn't learn it as quickly as I would have liked.

Why I Dislike Know-It-Alls

Greetings all,

I had a coffee date with someone I met online. I could tell he wasn't my type based on the 2 phone conversations we had.

We had decided to meet at Chapters and this one didn't have a Starbucks. He assumed they all have Starbucks so he wasn't anticipating it not having one. I actually never went to that Chapters but I guess maybe intuitively I knew it didn't have a Starbucks so I said on the phone that maybe it doesn't have a Starbucks and he just assumed they all do, which I responded to by saying that not all of them do have a Starbucks.

Well it turns out I was right.

Anyways, we went to a Licks a few stores down and he asked what I did that day so I told him I was working on my You Tube project where I talk about Rudolf Steiner's book Philosophy of Freedom. He asked me what the book was about and so I proceeded to tell him the theories he outlines and how Steiner says Freedom is the highest level of morality achieved. I pointed out his concept of reality being the combination of percept (an object of observation eg something you can see, touch, hear, etc) and concept.

He proceeded to say how wrong this concept of Freedom was and frankly it started to irritate me. First of all, if you haven't read the book, stop acting like an expert. I can see arguing the ideas, based on what I say but to just act like you've poked holes in the book and thus proved it to be inaccurate and just the author's opinion got on my nerves.

I talked about it a bit more and pointed out how you have to have some understanding of history as well to appreciate his ideas and then he points out how he has a degree in Political Science.

So... what?

I've dated a guy who had one as well but that's not history, it may just cover the history of Politics but if you want to know more about history, you get a history degree.

The way I see it, everything is really just one perspective and the whole point is to get things from as many different angles as possible to form a good conception of reality. These know-it-all types just have one point of view and think that's it and they are right.

Get lost I say!

He made a few points I could agree with but I just found him too mentally rigid. You've got to be flexible and creative when it comes to knowledge. Your world view needs to be adaptable because what was true today may not be true tomorrow and what was false today may not be false tomorrow.

He was arguing that people are too lazy to take freedom too seriously, which I can believe to some degree. Sure people don't vote sometimes but it's really because people don't appreciate the rights that they do have. I'm sure if you lived in a country that had a totalitarian government and then one day it was overthrown and became a legitimate democratic government, you'd get off your ass and make sure you vote.

I think many people in these G8 countries take what freedoms we have for granted. We think we know poverty when we don't. We have access to clean water, garbage removal, healthcare, etc and there are places that don't have any of that.

He argued people only want freedom for superficial things like going to Wendys or McDonalds. I likened this to kids growing up rich. They just grew up knowing this reality of having it all so they need to realize how fortunate they are and that not everyone grew up with having whatever they want. Not everyone grows up living in a free country.

I disagree mainly because people go to wars and die so that we all can enjoy the freedoms we have. I may not live in a perfect country but at least it provides my basic freedoms.

It really is up to the individual to decide how politically involved they want to be. Whether it's just knowing what's going on politically, or taking a more active role like participating as a volunteer in a political campaign.

Democracy is not a spectator sport and people need to realize that to have a democratic country took some work and some sacrifice by people who fought and struggled. The least we can do is appreciate the work that went into forming a democracy. It's also going to take some work and effort to maintain a democratic system as well.

Freedom is something worth fighting for and regardless of what anyone says, we all desire to be free and to feel in control of the direction of our lives.

The thing that bothered me throughout the evening was just how he had his opinion and that was it. There was no debating ideas. He had his opinions and seemed firmly attached to them. This was no fun for me. I like to debate as much as anyone but I think they are more fruitful when people are willing to modify and enhance their own perspective, based on hearing the other's point of view.

In improv, someone starts a scene and then another person comes in and adds something to the scene. The one person has their set of ideas and the other their own and the whole point is to accept each other and then make the scene work and create something different. This to me is what debating is all about. You have your ideas and they have theirs. Try to come up with something different and creative, instead of just sticking to your ideas. The scene in improv doesn't move forward unless you are willing to compromise and essentially play with your partner.

This is why I don't like know-it-alls, because they just don't know how to play.

I Like Being Right

Greetings all,

I have been attending this one meetup group where they discuss various spiritual/emotional type topics and a topic a couple of weeks ago was on would you rather be happy or be right because you can't be both. Okay in all honestly, I am willing to trade some level of happiness to be validated as right. Like maybe 2-5% of my happiness, just to bask in the after glow of being right.

The group leader made an important point of pointing out that when you are right, you are only right for the moment and then you are back to being unhappy, but if you choose to be happy, then you will always be happy.

I don't know for me, but I'm just not ready to be happy all the time. I'm comfortable with having a certain level of unhappiness because I probably don't know any better and I'm okay with that. And I don't think I like the idea of being happy all the time. I can't help sometimes to get a little angry about things or get frustrated. I am human after all and this wanting to be happy all the time non-sense, is just too much pressure for me. I just want to be real and honest with myself all the time or as much as possible. Screw this happiness crap!

I could argue as well that I am happy when I am right but I don't think that is true. Well I think it's true some of the time. I am actually quite pleased when someone who is wrong actually eventually realizes that I was right and then tells me so. It's no fun to pester people about you being right, it's more enjoyable when they come to say that you are right on their own. I delight in seeing people evolve and to me I see it as highly admirable when you can admit you are wrong (and thus proving I am right)

I sometimes think there is a problem with not being willing to stand up to someone who thinks they are right when they are not. I guess I am a bit of a fighter so I don't mind saying something that makes people uncomfortable because I still have this love for the truth. I don't realistically go around always defending what I think is truth (my idea of truth is if I can find it on wikipedia)

I see a whole flaw in this contrast of either be happy or be right. I really don't think it works like that all the time. Maybe some of the time.

I think if you are always willing to back down on being right when you are, then it just opens the door for people to take advantage of you. I think like most things in life, you have to decide which battles to fight and which ones to walk away from. I've walked away from some, but others I just won't. Somebody has to stand up for what's right and speak out when someone is spreading lies or causing harm.

BTW, I can admit to when I am wrong and do so when I realize the error of my thoughts and/or actions.

Happy Valentine's Day

Greetings all,

Happy Valentine's Day. Since I am single, it's just another day for me and I'll be hanging with my female friends and hopefully have a few good laughs.

I'm on facebook and saw that they have a multi-coloured rose gift available for $500. Usually their e-gifts are $1 but they certainly were money hungry today. How insane is that? As a woman, I would never allow a man to buy me that. It's just not sensible! They had another rose for $50. I can't imagine spending that money on something unreal. I'd be happy to get some flowers, dinner and sex. Really the sex and being seduced is what I want. Hell I'd be content with having the man write me a 500 word essay on how wonderful I am.

Screw the flowers, give me the sex and an essay on me!

Thought Swirlings

Greetings all,

I've had a couple of shows, one on Sunday and the other last Tuesday. I am still trying new material and feel like I am getting better at this stand up thing. It's weird though but I wonder why the hell do I do it? What motivates me to get up in front of people and then talk and perform in attempts to make them laugh?

I often wonder why I do what I do but I just don't understand. I don't totally understand myself and I guess I have to accept that. All I know is that I have this urge and these ideas and performing seems to be my only outlet.

I think as well I am too serious and wonder why the hell do I like making people laugh? Aren't comedians supposed to be happy and joking all the time? Cause I know I'm not like that.

I think lots of artists ask themselves why do I do this and it really just leads them nowhere. Who cares? Just do it. Shut up and stop analyzing why you feel this need to perform, or to paint or to make music. Who gives a shit?

I know I shouldn't analyze but isn't that the nature of the mind? Why can't my mind just develop some addiction? Oh no wait it does. It's called analyzing. Minds are addicted to analyzing.

* * *
Alright then, who cares about my silly thoughts about being a comedian. I'm going to talk about fear. I've had roommate issues but alongside that I've had my own separate issues and have been feeling like I am in this constant state of fear. It could be that because of my spiritual practice, I am bringing up these issues that I have long suppressed.

I'm just feeling this fear of everything and I am noticing it when I am socializing with people. I meet new people all the time but I can feel that I am scared of them and don't feel relaxed. I know this isn't normal and I guess now I need to consciously relax.

I've realized last night that my major block seems to be that I don't feel worthy in my life. Like not worthy of love or of the good things and so maybe that's partly why I am fearful of people. I try to protect myself and am scared that I will get hurt but I am starting to get some rational insight into this.

So I have been telling myself that I am worthy and it seems to have opened up my heart a little. I seemed to be letting go of something.

I'm very confused about things but I should hope things make more sense eventually.

A Basic Conclusion

Greetings all,

I have been doing the online dating thing for a while and I met with someone last night who's been advising me on the roommate situation since he's had experience dealing with tenants. He asked how do I screen out the crazy people out there because he seemed to be encountering lots of crazy people in his life.

I said that I have a procedure to meet me and I clearly state so in my profile the procedure to meet me and explain that it is purely for safety purposes. My procedures are as follows:
1. we exchange a few messages (demonstration of basic communication skills a must)

At this stage you can see a lot about a person and their mentality just by asking the right questions. I think it's easier to see people who have negative attitudes based on their thought processes, which I think is easier to spot in text format. You can definitely see when someone writes something and it makes no sense. Negative and unhealthy people usually think distortedly but at the same time, someone who is a good liar always says the right thing. There are signs to be found if someone is basically being genuine.

2. I give out my # if I feel safe and comfortable enough

Again, not everyone I message I give out my #. They also do not pester me for my # right away and usually pester that pester me for my #, don't get it.
One guy I corresponded with was wanting my # but I explained I don't give it out right away and then he got suspicious, like what have you got to hide? I explained my process and he basically didn't respect it and things just ended since he wasn't understanding my position.

3. we talk at least once before arranging to meet in a public place

At this point, talking over the phone as well gives me a better sense of the person and many people I do chat with on the phone, we never meet because perhaps they knew this wasn't a match.

I find that the people who are crazy do not respect the boundaries that I set up for myself. Most people respect these rules because they are reasonable but people with issues usually just want my # right away or want to meet right away and I don't think that is appropriate.

So my basic conclusion in how to watch out for the signs that you may be dealing with a crazy is that they basically are not willing to respect the boundaries that you have set up to protect yourself. They may argue and protest against it.

It is the normal people who respect the boundaries and therefore do not make you skip steps that you clearly outline.